#I love it I love teru being in agony

[minamotosousuke]

I cannot wait to for Teru to formally meet Mitsuba, but this time knowing that this isn’t No.3 but Kou’s boyfriend…

#the barely contained disgust #the shock #the horror #the sting that Kou’s growing up/someone is making him happy/he’s distancing himself from teru and tiara #I love it I love teru being in agony

[luciferstit]

I see so many people contextualizing ???’s lines as a sort of villain monologue, but as a ??? apologist, I have to assert that ??? is nowhere close to a villain. That’s why this part of their conversation is so important to me.

He’s desperately trying to communicate to Mob that no one can save him from this, not because he likes to see himself suffer, but because this is Mob’s problem and it can only be solved by Mob. He can’t keep repressing and avoiding and running away from it. Reigen can’t swoop in at the last minute and shoulder his burden this time.

He’s saying “no one will save me” not because he relishes in it, but because he needs Mob to understand the gravity of what he’s done to himself and to be spurred into fixing it.

And ??? isn’t wrong about all this. Mob has always been the one who’s saved himself. HIS POWERS—???—have always been the one to save him, always the one to carry him home, whether from the clutches of murderous terrorists, Mogami’s mental hellscape, or a city-leveling explosion. He practically held the blood in Mob’s head when it was cracked open on the asphalt.

Without this part of Mob, Reigen would’ve sat there and held Mob’s empty body in the Asagiri estate until the paramedics forced it away from him. He would’ve never come home. He would’ve been incinerated in that explosion, and Teru, Ritsu, and Reigen would’ve searched for hours (they already found him like 4-5 hours after the explosion—imagine the agony already there, and they found him) and would’ve never seen him again. Ritsu would get a call in his student council meeting telling him that paramedics found his brother dead on the street from extensive head trauma and blood loss and he would never see his brother laugh and smile again, were it not for this side of Mob who loves him and wants to be him again but sees no other way out. Who has been alone and ignored and destroyed through Mob’s heavy guilt.

He loves Mob because he is Mob and Mob is he, but he cannot keep living like this. He almost died like this, and it cannot continue. Imagine saving yourself—restarting your own heart, guarding your body, and then being looked at by yourself and told that you are unwanted and that you should disappear.

No one will save him because he should not be saved from himself.

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #mp100 spoilers #mob psycho season 3 spoilers #mob psycho 100 season 3 spoilers #mp100 manga spoilers #???% #shigeyo kageyama #long post #i’m not even sure if this makes any sense #i just kinda ranted and rambled #i just really love ??? #I experienced trauma as a kid and my experiences align so much with mob

[2n2n]

ch. 111

the plot thickens and I am thrown all around the room as if in a hurricane... I really cannot predict Iro-sensei's plots!!!!!!

oh Amane, all of your efforts, your gestures.... what a desperate, helpless feeling

its the most predictable response Tsukasa would have, but it still hurts very very much.

he's reaaaally strange isn't he... he's like that....

oh Amane.... you're so reactive to perceived rejection and failure. You'll say the worst things, you'll think the worst things... you're sooo unstable, Amane!

What, you simply don't accept that your otouto would 'try to leave you'? I bet it's something like that. You "know he's fake" now because he "wouldn't do something like this to you"... that's my guess at your dumb little brain. Don't take him too seriously, okay, Tsutsu? Your brother just can't handle the sense of rejection of you choosing to die & leave him behind, or he can't handle that all his gestures and attempts to show his love fell so flat that you have no idea at all of his desperate love of you. Nooooo you have to be fake~~~ my real otouto would understand and he'd never leave me~~!!! I don't think you, Amane, understand how suicidal your real otouto was, and is, to this day! Would you believe it has less to do with disregarding you, and more to do with not believing in his own life's worth? No, you won't believe that, right... it's about you, instead! hahaha....

I'm glad I played AidaIro's Snow White game because... Estelio is THIS HURTFUL to Rasphard, and it's just out of a sense of being rejected!!! Estelio would kick his twin's goddamn corpse on the ground, let him wriggle and DIE in pain and AGONY if Estelio has the impression Rasphard wants nothing to do with him or isn't considering him ... LOL. Iro likes this kind of ... troubled, insecure, desperate, spiteful, needy person... you want the perfect brother, who loves you. You have that, but you can't understand the idea of someone choosing to leave you through death....

I wonder if Tsukasa started grabbing your jacket to move you to protect you.... meanwhile, Amane impulsively moved to protect his ~~~fake otouto, haha!

I wonder ... if Nene-chan has her memories because, she is magical etc, or if Akane actively made Teru do something to her to enable her to... stay as an aware asset, since he isn't completely sided with the Clockkeepers... maybe Akane is waiting to see what 'new future' comes to be, and seeding a few tricks to utilize if he doesn't agree or wishes to pull out? (I mean, if the Severance never happened, Aoi definitely would not be his girlfriend haha)...

The clockeeper's circumstance is interesting enough. Its very Aidairo-core. But not enough for me to talk about haha.

swag, I have been right the whole time! cool. yep!! of course. logical haha!! I can't be too proud of myself, it's been spelled out ...

that same old God~~ our Tsutsu!

the year before the murder, when the boys were 12... fuckin scary place to go to. What on Earth are you changing... the circumstances of the shinjuu?

if we're 'fixing' the 'problem', I wonder if that means we'll be going into the original timeline, where Amane would likely still be alive-- he'd just be an old man, and Nene-chan's teacher at Kamome. Wouldn't that be so funny and interesting? Lol. What would we all do if Amane was "Yugi-sensei" and like, old! It would be very AidaIro core AHAHAH ahhh the agegap fetish--! It's not enough to have Sumire x Hakubo and Yako x Misaki and Kako x Mirai and the entire Monstery Nursery AUs LOL you know, we need more ahahahaah (HanaNene is already technically biiig agegap! I would laugh if actually making Amane like 60 woke some people up flfjdklfdjk)

I'm just not sure... Amane could just be dead, I guess, and Tsukasa. Or he could be alive, and old. I have a vague theory that he must be a kaii because of, whatever he or Tsukasa had done together during the shinjuu... (maybe Amane was impulsed to eat some part of Tsukasa, maybe the God blessed Amane at the last second, etc etc)... it's hard to imagine Amane would be a school mystery-- Tsukasa is his yorishiro after all... and we don't quite know what circumstances make Sumire and Tsukasa into objects, if being sacrificed to the God had something essential to do with that...

Well, so interesting, I wonder if Nene-chan will have to go even further than she did in Picture Perfect-- in that arc, she had to choose to reject a seemingly perfect, but ultimately fabricated, world; even if it was 'nicer' than the 'real world'. Now, she might be shown a world fixed of its cracks-- it could even possibly be a world Amane never had to murder his brother, like she wanted before. Nene-chan is so often getting "what she asked for" in the wrong way, at the wrong time. She fell in love with "Hanako". Is the boy she fell in love with "here"? Is he in a form she can confess to?

Furthermore, she just bonded with Tsukasa, and has knowledge of the Red House... must be essential, to write that happening before this-- just before, even. Tsukasa even inspired her to need to free herself, even if Amane isn't there to save her.

Poor Nene-chan though-- so scary!!! What an awful situation to be in HAHAHA, flung around...

I have no idea what Mitsuba's situation will be, but Tsukasa is responsible for our "Mitsuba" to even be around. He wouldn't have even managed to become the ghost about the entryway without Tsukasa kaii-ifying him through his first, vague wish.

Well, it would be funny if these things were all true now:

-Amane is alive, but he's old lol -Aoi is not Akane's gf, and maybe that other timeline was the only goddamn way you could ever get her within reach lol -No Mitsuba To Speak Of lol

MUCH POSSIBLE, MUCH TO THINK ABOUT-- MAYBE I'M WRONG ABOUT IT ALL!!! Iro-sensei writes such interesting plot twists WOO ahahaha! I WONDER IF WE WILL INTERACT WITH 12 YEAR OLD TSUKASA AGAAAIN~~ pleaaase ~~

feeling more certain than ever that Tsukasa is The single most tragic member of this cast hahaha

#avvy's JSHK

[the-moon-and-stars]

Hello, sweetheart!! Please please take your time with this! But, I’m getting some shots this week, and I’m,,, hm, panicking. Not because I’m scared of what’s in the shot- no no, I want to get the stuff in the shot, but I’m terrified of the pain. Just looking at videos to try and get used to it, I feel lightheaded and like my throat is closing. THAT BEING S A I D , could I please get Kou Minamoto with a reader similar to that;; Thank you thank youuuuuu and I love youuu <3333 /p

A/N: Savvi! I'm so sorry I was never able to get to this! My motivation towards everything has been utter bullocks, I'm sorry I didn't prioritize this like I should've.. I hope all went well with the shot! Enjoy these head-canons and a mini-shot - (not a pun) as an apology! Warnings: Nothing much unless you don't like the talk of shots

I feel like Kou was definitely afraid of shots himself when he was a kid, every time taken to the doctors he was terrified but would try to mask it for the sake of looking strong for Teru

He'd cry with a big smile on his face and afterwards go up to his older brother and say; "Nii-chan, did you see it? Did I do good??" 

Once hearing about your fear, he'd want to know if there's a specific cause, a rational, or irrational fear.. once he realizes it's just the shot itself you're afraid of, he'll give you pep talks everyday as it gets close to your appointment

"Y/n, it's okay to be afraid, but you're brave, the bravest girl I know!"

If you think about backing down and switching up the dates or forgetting about it all together, he just won't let you, he'll even try to bribe you with snacks and food, anything to get you through it

If that doesn't work, be expected to get taken to the place by him

When the day rolls around and you're preparing for the shot, he seems just as panicked as you, of course he'd try to appear calm but he's worried for you, and right now every worse scenario is playing in his head in that waiting room

It's funny because he would try and calm you down and himself at the same time, he'd tell you that it'd be over before you know it and there's truly nothing to be afraid of

Kou would not hesitate in sitting next to you when it's time for your shot, even if he's not allowed he'd beg the nurse to let him in and try to explain why this was so important to him and you

He'd hold your hand and give you a reassuring squeeze, he'd say something like; "You're okay, just look at me" ,, "Take deeeep breaths, you got this"

When it's done, he'd try to take you out, a little celebration, anywhere you want to go, and he'd pay for everything - (Or beg Teru for some money if he's a little short) - If you guys can't go out, he'd take you to his place and cook you a favorite meal of yours, even if you insist you're fine, he won't let go so easy.

He'd try to be all smooth and give a shy kiss on where the band-aid is placed, a kiss for your boo-boo.. but he might chicken out at the last second and mask it by giving you a hug.

He would constantly tell you how strong you were, how amazing you are, and how he's just so proud of you, none-stop praising i'm telling you ╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

Waiting outside the door was pure agony, the nurse told you to wait outside while she set everything up and that's when you felt the pounding of your chest heighten. You were sitting next to Kou, your leg going up and down as nerves shot through your body, it was a terrible feeling you had right now, you didn't even realize your boyfriend was calling your name until he grabbed your hand and interlaced it into his.

"Hey, you're gonna be fine." He said softly, tilting his head to get more into your front view. He smiled and gave your hand a small squeeze, bringing you back down from your anxious thoughts. "I know.. I'm just.." You let out a small sigh, thinking about what's to come in the next minute. "..Terrified."

Kou gave a small frown, glancing to the floor while contemplating the words he should say next. He sat up straight and looked down at your hand in his before turning to look back at you. "I know, but you got this, I promise you." You couldn't help but smile at his words as you leaned against his shoulder. "And I'm gonna be in there with you, you have nothing to worry about when you're with me" He continued on, wanting you to feel better, to feel some sort of safety with him.

The door in front of you two opened and a nurse popped out, holding the door open. "You may come in now."

You inhaled and let out a deep breath, you stood up and Kou stood with you, never letting go of your hand. "You ready?" Kou gave your hand another gentle squeeze. You turned to look back at him, squeezing it back gently as you tried your best to not have your nerves get the best of you. "Ready."

#kou x y/n #kou x reader #kou minamoto #kou #anime x reader #tbhk #jshk #jibaku shounen hanako kun #toilet bound hanako kun #tbhk kou #x reader #tbhk x reader #tbhk headcanons #x reader oneshot #x reader headcanons

[7ban-sama]

Heyy ;) JSHK is heartbreaking isn’t it? As for me I cried 4 times over the manga (which is a miracle because I NEVER CRY THAT MUCH IN A SERIES), sooo have you cried over some chapters?

Oh I've cried soo many times for this series, it's kind of hard to count. Though I can't say it's a rare or uncommon thing for me... I'm honestly quick to cry over the littlest things. 9.9; So it's not surprising for me, that I've cried multiple times. I get choked up easily too... ah, I'm very emotional, and just tend to respond to 'emotional cues' easily. If the movie is playing sad music, and wants me to be sad, I will be sad... I can't really resist that.

But while it's not hard to get me to cry, I will say that JSHK is unique in that, I think it makes me feel a very deep sense of agony... Since making me cry is very easy to do, I don't think of it as an actual testament to whether or not the scene was good, or well written, and I can shake it off and just move on easily enough. It's different when the sadness feels like it sinks into my bones... makes me writhe and twist... And ah, sometimes it just flat out stings more, instead of just making me weepy — hurting my jaw, throat, palms...

I'll list some specific chapters... I think I'll also break it up between things that made me cry on first read vs. rereads.

yosh... ikimashou!

FIRST READ

Vol 1 / Ch 1: Hanako-san of the Bathroom

This is actually more of an 'honorable mention', since I wasn't full blown weeping or anything. But I had a lump in my throat and got wet-eyed over it, which feels notable, just starting off.

I remember being really surprised that we get into Nene's head like this... I wasn't expecting it-? It feels very brutal, honestly, to watch her reflect on her shallowness like this. Having to realize this 'crush' was more of a self-serving fantasy, than anything, and she wasn't really thinking about who Teru was as a person... This is a foible I think many people go through, more than they're willing to admit. More than they can even recognize...? So it was pretty surprising to see it laid out like this, at the start of the manga. A premonition of what was to come... (this manga surprising me again and again!)

Vol 2 / Ch 7: The Misaki Stairs (Part 4)

Now this... is a testament to how 'contained' a narrative can be, yet how much I can be enveloped in the feelings of it. I think Yako isn't a very central character, and I don't especially favor her or anything, but I like her introduction. I like her circumstance...

The childish writing of young Yako, who seems very new to the world, and unused to deep interaction with humans. I honestly love this sort of 'interspecies' relationship... along with age gap (lol) ; it provides a contrast I enjoy. I like that Yako is being taught how to read and write by Misaki... simply tasteful. Praise to Iro-sensei.

I feel my heart sink, alongside Nene's, once we get to these entries...

And by the time we get to the yorishiro memory itself, I can't help crying. I cry a little almost every time I really immerse into reading these chapters... The Yako who is hunched over, saying, I want Misaki to yell at me again really gives me chills... I understand what she is feeling here. Wanting your love back at all costs... ahhh. :'I

Vol 4 / Ch 4: The Little Mermaid (Part 2)

a small, choked up feeling, a small cry. but a cry nonetheless... the visual of their pinkie promise gets to me. Nene's sparkly eyes... for this whole scene, her horns are droopy because of being wet, and it gives her an innocent quality. like a dumbo rat... baby girl

Vol 12 / Ch 58: The End of a Dream (Part 3)

the closing chapter of the PP arc... an arc lasting several volumes, sending one through a roller-coaster of emotions-!! my first read of PP made my heart race, doki doki. I was actually mostly psyched up by it, very excited by the events. Not so weepy. Buut, it's only appropriate that the closing chapter is what gets to me.

this panel honestly shakes me to my core. knowing that Tsukasa is metaphorically the moon... and that Nene is the one saying this... something about it feels like an omen. I think it's a good omen, and yet, it frightens me deeply anyways. I feel like I have great reason to be afraid lol... like, oh, god, the moon IS closer than it's ever been, isn't it... (dread)

ugh, trying to not post every panel from this scene... but Nene is so pristine and angelic and well meaning in this all. her end of it is SO SINCERE... up here, in the clouds together, whirling all about... declaring her dreams... sigh. It's not fair it's like this all loads into a gun to hurt her for the Severance...

(I feel like it's around here that I really am falling for her, as a character... *sigh* *touches screen...*)

Vol 17 / Ch 81: The Red House (Part 6)

I'm sure this isn't a surprise by now, but, yeah... this one really tore me apart. by this point, my feefees for Tsukasa had incubated long enough that it was really devastating to learn so much about his child psyche. (it's getting so real for my crushes on the girlies by now.)

it's devastating that Tsukasa is capable of feeling this. meanwhile, earlier... this scene.

it always hurts to get to the confrontation... it never stops hurting. it'll hurt forever, I'm sure.

I've also struggled with chronic illness and disability as well. so... ah, I understand what Amane is going through here, profoundly. At your gd limit... just, can't keep doing this... yeah

would you believe that my wife would lick my tears, early in our relationship...? I was once a very miserable, depressed, lonely person. I used to think no one would ever love me, and that I cried so often it was annoying. At times, when overwhelmed by our early interactions (they were so amazing, and I felt so lowly and undeserving) I would just break down. she'd just kiss and lick my tears and eyes...

In general I just have a lot of personal reasons to be sentimental about the gestures / dialogue throughout this chapter.

a panel for the ages... cementing Tsukasa's role as an angelic, wish-granter. I LOVE YOU BAYBEEEE-!! love you forever.

Vol 18 / Ch 89: Oni (Part 2)

Now, let it be known... I love.... LOVE-!! Everything about Hakubo and Sumire's story... I feel so much for each of them, their circumstance, it's soo painful! I pretty much always feel the 'drop' as I read these chapters, but this is the one that got me upon first seeing it.

it's the helplessness of Hakubo... the way he just doesn't know what to do, the way his inhumane treatment by humans has made him never consider that he can love, the way he can't make decisions on his own. He wishes to be commanded... it's all he knows. Why won't she just tell me to save her...?

The way he describes not feeling anger, sadness, or hatred / alongside the panels of him getting hunted down by humans… Only left with the sense of regret that he should have done something for her, that night. Ahh... it's incredibly beautiful and painful... thank you AidaIro for this perfect blend of beautiful visuals and painful prose </3...

Vol 20 / Ch 101: Omen (Part 1)

For our final entry in this category, it's a record breaker. the mere sight of this living Tsukasa made tears well up in my eyes.

it's too much for me… this specific age of Tsukasa, in canon, has been so elusive and rare. We've only had a peek at him through a Hell of Mirrors illust. and that is still his corpse... the LIVING, breathing, pre-shinjuu boy, is divine to be met with. I really couldn't believe we could see him now.

now that I know he is singing 'Over the Rainbow', there's no saving meeee...

REREADS

Vol 2 / Ch 8: The Confession Tree

ok. this is one of those things where, I know I'm not gonna make a lot of sense as I explain... since this is a raw, kinnie-brain thing, but my disclaimer is that i'm self aware about how unreasonable this is-!! ok.

when I first read through this chapter, I was still in my 'getting to know her' phase, with Nene... thus, I was endeared by her romantic heart, but wasn't (for lack of a better term) in love with her. I think I experienced this chapter more like 'an audience member'.

after coming to terms with Being Amane... this chapter is very difficult for me. It's gone from me feeling like an audience member, to feeling like an active participant — like, responsible for hurting her.

I failed such an innocent girlie. it is hard to cope with. sometimes I feel like she should never forgive me for this...

metatextually, it's like, when I was first reading this manga, I didn't think I would care so much about her / much like, I think Amane is not aware at all how much he is going to be heaving and crying over his feelings for Nene, so many volumes later... We don't know how special this girl is, yet.

I've cried over this scene and have fallen into a terrible depression for like, weeks, over it, LOL.. these things, you just have to take my word for it, that it's part of being Amane. It's hard to forgive your own carelessness.

Vol 9 / Ch 45: Picture Perfect (Part 5)

oooh. what can be said... it both makes me emotional that Tsukasa looks so lovely here / and that Tsukasa is allowed to have full page spreads, as the focal point...

having just dropped the telescope. stiff-legged, shirt billowing... she is a captivating specimen.

dazzling... gorgeous... and so earnestly experiencing the pretty sky, the shooting stars — eagerly turning to amane to announce this! ahh... that after all these years, tsukasa can have a moment like this with amane... hurts me so.

Vol 10 / Ch 50: Picture Perfect (Part 10)

my first reads of PP felt thrilling... I was so excited to see how far this manga could go. and for an arc to last so long, it was very captivating. I suppose though, this is another one of those things that has steadily weighed heavier on me as I connected more and more with Amane.

The expression here... it's the weight of everything coming crashing down on him, in real time, I think. Again, he was not... prepared for how much Nene was going to mean to him. He's spent so long not caring about who lives, dies. He's becoming unraveled by this all...

and this framing of Nene... it twists a knife in my heart. combined with how it echoes the way Amane is starstruck from Tsukasa in the earlier chapter... sighhhh!

Vol 11 / Ch 51: Perfect Empty Ideals

It just hurts so mmmbad-!!! man I can't be deep about it all, this just makes me SAD-!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GIRL!!! SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Vol 14 / Ch 66: Sumire (Part 1)

After learning everything about Hakubo and Sumire's lives, this vignette is very heart-wrenching. This is the cave they took refuge from the rain, once, that their final moments are then in.

Such a beautiful ship... such beautiful drawings... again thank you AidaIro-sensei...

Vol 16 / Ch 78: The Red House (Part 3)

This chapter was of course VERY PAINFUL!! when I first read it, but I think by now it's settled into my gut heavier than ever before. And basically all of the Red House arc scenes related to the Yugi rend me apart... I can't push the image limit any more in this post though, so I'll just represent it with this. But just know all of it makes me roll around in my grave...

What could Tsukasa have felt in this moment, learning about Amane's imminent death... Knowing how much Tsukasa loves Amane, I think a future without him was just pointless. I get the impression he was spending all his time running off and procuring Amane presents, now that Amane has become too sick to play with him.

Sometimes I'm in such awe, still, that we learned Tsukasa would come to Amane's bedside and provide him little gifts. As much as his little 3 year old self was capable of... and, he's capable of feeling lowly/worthless, and like Amane hates him… urgh-!! *commits seppuku*

Anyways I hope this list... well, conveys that I'm emotional and unstable LOL... (nah, but really, I hope it was interesting!) Here's to more crying over this manga, again and again!

#☀️ #💬

[anubis-005]

I really adore your AU, and all you TBHK art, and I’ve been wanting to send an ask with a question about your AU like everyone else but I’m actually a dumbass and can’t think of any good questions shbdbdb I’m slightly curious to know if you’ve thought about how Yako would interact with Hanako and/or Yashiro though maybe? Anyway just basically wanted to let you know I love your content and learning more about your AU 👌🏻

🥺 Thank you so much. It surprises me every time that people like it, seriously. I’m so grateful for you 🙏 

Yako or Pride the Adversary, is not as close with Hanako. Their relationship is mostly a working one (and occasionally it slips into intimidation and quid pro quo from Hanako 😂 ). She’s as beautiful and charming as she is narcissistic and cruel. She demands unflinchingly loyalty from her horde and her palace is kept immaculate. She’ll never admit to her mistakes. And she delights in the humiliation of others. I modeled her after Joan Crawford from Mommie Dearest:

She presents herself like this.

But that’s really hiding this.

Yako is not immune to flattery, but it’s hard to know what might set her off. She’s a VERY sore loser. which doesn’t bode well for Nene. 👀 

Also because it’s relevant I’ll answer 2 more here (and I may have gotten carried away 😂):

Nene’s journey will officially start at the origin of sin, Pride. 👌 What I affectionately call the ‘Diva Dungeon’

Getting inside Pride’s palace is a bit of a hassle. Broken and twisted mannequins are discarded just outside of her estate (they pitifully cry out to passersby and urge them to turn back). There is a deep pit FILLED with molten gold surrounding her palace. There’s only one way to walk in. A narrow and thin bridge made of ivory and held up by beams of mannequins inhabited by damned souls (They scream in agony as you walk across). There are a few of these hell dolls holding lamps and lighting the way across the bridge. If you get too close they’ll throw you over the side into the pit. 

Eventually, Hanako and Nene will make it inside and face Pride herself. It’s a glided pristine palace filled with glamour shots of Yako and various other tributes crafted in her image think Hollywood starlet haha. Pride’s horde makes themselves scarce, until she snaps her fingers and they fall over themselves to attend to her (some even acting as her furniture). There is only ONE mirror inside Yako’s Palace. Her personal vanity, which Nene must look into to face the trial.

The trial itself is an illusion created by Yako, designed to tempt Nene with all the praise and glory she could ever want, including the adoration of Teru. If Nene can find enough humility within herself to resist, she will have essentially defeated Pride. However, Pride won’t let her leave out of spite (the trial won’t end until Pride says so).

It depends on the lord. They decide on the rules and the nature of the trial. Greed for example, will be far more accommodating than Pride. And Envy will be much more mischievous and petty I like the idea of it being a circus/fun house haha. Demons aren’t exactly known for playing fair, so she’ll have to stay true to herself and be clever. 👍

#goat-s0n #miss-sternennacht #anon #asks #Nene's Inferno AU #tbhk #toilet kun

[eriisaam]

Something something Tarot Card Project something.

---

Context under the cut, in order of appearance:

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Kyo - The Fool (  Hear me out.)

Symbolizing new beginning, adventure, opportunities, pleasure, etc. It reflects how when Lifonse and Kamui first met him (from his perspective), he suddenly took a drastic turn in his life with opening new opportunities (becoming a summoner, stabilizing his power to go from a ditto to a ditto-mew, getting his first legendary in Zacian and encountering others, finding his ex and making amends to be on surprisingly good terms with him, having lovers who immediately love him, etc), of which his stinkiness nearly self-sabotaged in his apprehension, his guardedness, and (more sympathetically) him managing his past experiences and traumas, of which had Lifonse and Kamui not been so patient, supportive and loving as they had, there were so many opportunities he could've ruined for himself. This incarnation of him even gained more lovers than his past self (in Eclair and then Kaze), and in a moment of humbling himself and realizing in full of the weight of his failings and foolishness, it had a profound effect in Zacian for her to knight him, proclaiming herself as his to officially train.

For the reverse, this also winds up heavily symbolizing his past-self, who became present-Kyo's fallen alt, who did wind up self-sabotaging things by causing a lot of trauma that lingered in Kamui and Lifonse, who went a completely different direction in life from the present Kyo, and was woefully apathetic and uncaring to Lifonse and Kamui as a whole compared to present-Kyo not only opening up and genuinely loving them more, but making strides to change himself for the better for their sake, too. There were many scars he left behind in Lifonse and Kamui that negatively impacted even present-Kyo’s relationship with them, and the only moment he had a saving grace was just before his death, and ruined just as quickly when Hel claimed him as one of her new cohorts. Worth also noting that unlike the present Kyo, whose power stabilized his ditto genes to be mew-like, past-Kyo didn’t develop nearly as pronounced a bond to do the same, and thus, lacked their connection to a mew.

---

Ephrel - The Chariot

In reverse, the feeling of defeat, being vanquished, lost, etc. Were all feelings that reflected how Ephrel was in the eyes of Sparrow's Order of Heroes prior to Sparrow's official status as summoner (of which Chrom's was unofficial before her). They were completely forgotten to the point they didn't even have a name attached other than "former summoner/previous summoner", the circumstances of why they were gone were almost entirely unheard of or guesswork, and there seemed far too much haste to try to forget them as much as possible in favor of moving on with Sparrow, satisfied to keep their fate unknown with very few to give a fuck otherwise (like Chrom, then Sparrow based on Chrom's own unwavering hope to find out what happened once learning Ephrel had a life after their robinsona).

The process of finding Spectabilis, then deciding to redeem them rather than kill them (which would be far easier and inconsequential), was what flips The Chariot upright: Reflecting the long, rocky road Chrom persevered to press forward to, and meet up to free Ephrel from a fate of stagnancy, rather than just leave it at accepting his replacement Robins and moving on without them like everyone else. This action was what allowed Ephrel's live to continue forward, and to reveal more of themself they didn't flesh out even in their robinsona days.

Initially, I debated on whether or not Chrom and Ephrel fit to be literally riding something, but I find it even more fitting that Chrom himself served as “the chariot”, having carried the toils and burdens from the point he lost Ephrel, to the long, exhausting journey to retrieve them again. 

---

Erin - The Hanged Man

As her supports (but especially Lif, Ryoma, and to some degree Camilla from the start) knew too well (and Hrid eventually caught up on and was rightfully horrified of and clingy afterwards about), Erin came from a very harsh life prior to being a summoner, where she was suffocated, controlled, manipulated, and worked to the ground, to the point she nearly made a very costly, risky mistake of her own self prior to her Breidablik summoning her (of which I'll remain brief and vague here as it's not the biggest point this time). The damage was still done, as she still was left a broken shell, fully welcoming anyone to pull her strings as she was heavily conditioned to expect, all with a weak will, self-worth and agency. All of which line up with the reversed Hang Man's meaning of useless sacrifice, unwillingness to change, and knowingly heading on to bad decision after bad outcome. The arms of her past try greedily to drag her back to the life she had once escaped from.

The upright version of this reflected readjustment, improvement, and rebirth: All of which carried the same elements to how her supports could see she was a completely different person underneath the broken mess she was initially left as, and needed support, love, and gentle coaxing to come out in her own accord. This then led to a very massive shift to what she later turned into presently from where she started off before: As someone bold, brash, more willing to show herself, and more engaged as her own self with her own decisions. Even in free-fall, she gained her freedom, and more, thanks to her supports, gained her wings figuratively and literally (as a manakete) to take flight by her own will.

---

Teru - Death

In reverse, Teru had indeed followed a lot of relationships that couldn't fully serve him or be as realized as he needed them to be at the time he needed it most (Kyo, before The Incident nearly ruined even their friendship, and definitely ruined their relationship. Then Ryoma, before Garon took that away from him as well.). His Order of Heroes failed him, his initial Askr was doomed, and he had to be a pillar of strength and protection to his pokemon and them in a time he himself desperately needed someone to rely on and protect him instead in his ailing strength and health. In the form he took prior to decimating his former connected World of Fates, one prominent feature in the missingno form he took at the time was carrying the fragmented headgear of his fallen past lover.

Upright, even in the point where Teru changed his life for the better, it took massive sacrifices and struggles on his part to get there. He has a chronic illness that can make him incredibly godly in power in the best of times, but also worryingly and critically frail and weak in most other times, all through his missingno powers he's still not able to entirely control. He had done the impossible in cheating death so many times from being a missingno, to surviving Conquest, to taking the Heart's Rite head on and living to tell the tale, but such bragging rights rang hallow for the sacrifices he made and the unspeakable levels of agony and pain he endured while subjected to them. He cheated death, yet at what cost? But even when he reached his lowest, his life did start anew as he grew past his traumas just enough to learn to grow and feel again, and for the better. After all, "third time's the charm".

---

Sparrow - The Star

Where she started, she was homeless, abandoned by the world, and left to die. Forgotten. Uncared for. Unconcerned. Just another number and another sad life wasted. Like the reverse, she started in a point she was made acutely aware how little her skills mattered (it certainly didn't spare her the life of poverty), how bad her luck was (despite her best efforts, she still failed), and her only future was one that was coming to an end (crushed dreams unrealized in favor of being left to starve to death to the harsh elements outdoors). In her hands were the concept of a Crest of Fate bestowed to her, marking her as a digidestined. But even this “blessing” was in actuality a fake crest of the Grimeal, and what led to long-term damage to her and her digimon when the ruse was up.

It was Chrom who summoned her, and it was because of his patience to help save her and get her on her feet again did her hopes turn around, and her card meaning with it. Upright, she had a second chance in a new life, a new environment, and with opportunities she only barely touched the surface of that were fully realized in looking to it again in Askr (her digimon, who she didn't physically interact with until Chrom upset her digimon partners upon realizing why Sparrow didn't check up on them (of which she downplayed her life cuz, well, she thought it was a game), revealing themselves in full). She found love, she found insight, and she found a new power she learned to harness to make a better use of her skills when she thought a more direct approach was lacking (a healer, when she wasn't physically strong enough to take up another weapon yet). She stayed calm, positive, hopeful, and tried to extend the same hope Chrom shared to her to others she found along the way, which led to Robin, Lyon, and then Ephrel finding their own hopes as well. In her hands was a digi-egg of Destiny (sometimes alternatively known as the digimental of fate), which manifested itself when Breidablik resonated with both Sparrow and Ephrel. As a united force, they finally gained the hard-earned role of digidestined as a duo legendary-mythic unit.

---

Eclair - Judgement

A lot of Eclair's point of major growth in power and character all fell back on Thorr's most powerful ability: Judgement. This power was the power that could completely and utterly decimate entire countries with the single swing of her hammer, and she isn't afraid to flex, and in ways Eclair saw for himself are fickle and self-righteous (particularly as she and Teru declared war on one another for the sake of protecting Nohr or wiping it off the face of Fates, but did nothing to interfere with the Nohr Teru himself destroyed in his own world). This fickle nature, this self-serving attitude and logic path Thorr decides when to enact her judgement or not, struck the biggest fear in Eclair and caused untold amounts of stress, worries, and panic attacks of being his greatest failure of seeing everyone wiped away from his life (like the fate he himself escaped as a forma) if he couldn't successfully stop his own mother. All of which are fears of the reverse Judgement. Even when she left her mark in other timelines and what-could’ve-beens, she struck fear in Eclair’s supports making such outcomes prominently known for them to stew on. Including an alternative outcome of her taking hold of some manner of Alfonse and overloading him into a temporal threat.

But upright, it also reflects awakening, renewal, a better health and mind fully realized. The point Eclair began fearing his mother and aunt most was also the point his powers started manifesting the most when his family, friends and supports made their own will clear of wanting to protect him. It was also the point he fully realized that form of will that comes from love and the power it held that heavily contrasted the will Thorr took interest in that comes from despair. This eventually was fully realized in his fully powered form, Magni, and his power as the Divine Shield to completely cancel out Thorr's Judgement attack, and thus, force her to bring herself down to the same even footing as the mortals when she can't simply delete them off the earth with a swing anymore. This resolve is also what resonated with why Zamazenta similarly trusts him, and thus, fully established Eclair's mythic alt.

#Zacian #Zamazenta #Thorr #Hel #Chrom #Alfonse #Summoner OC #FEH OC #Summoner OC Kyo #Summoner OC Ephrel #Summoner OC Erin #Summoner OC Teru #Summoner OC Sparrow #Summoner OC Eclair #mew gijinka #Pokemon #Fire Emblem Awakening #Fire Emblem Heroes #FEH #My kiransona things #my art #Yes I've been rather busy and bit more than I can chew

[turning-the-kaleidoscope]

“Crash” (One-Shot)

Shigeo’s legs can’t hold him for much longer. 

The weight of the buildings sinks into his being, suspended in the air over his head but as heavy as they’d be if slammed onto his shoulders. His heart pounds with the throb in his temples and he grinds his teeth against it, arms held high, trembling. 

The psychic’s face contorts, stretching with a smile far wider than any smile has business being. White teeth, pale skin, an aura as bright as snow beneath the sun. 

“Well, I’ll be damned,” he says, taking a step forward with long strides of longer legs. “And to think, here I was believing I’d beaten you at your own game.” 

“You were wrong,” Shigeo chokes, and hates how feeble his voice is, how violently he’s shaking, how hard it is to breathe. “The only person losing here is you.” 

The psychic’s smile doesn’t change, though he does halt his approach. “Really? We aren’t even knee-deep in this and you’ve already declared yourself the winner? How immature.” 

Shigeo bites back a cry when another building is slammed onto the stack he’s already holding. The weight redoubles and almost crushes him. Him, and Reigen, unconscious and bleeding on the ground behind him. 

“You really care for him, don’t you? You do know what kind of person he is, right?”

“I do,” Shigeo manages, strangled. “And that’s why I’m not going to leave him.” 

The psychic grins again, and his aura comes to surround him like blades shining in the moonlight. 

“If that’s how you want it. Let’s see how far you’re willing to go.”

The buildings come crashing down, harder and heavier than ever, and it brings Shigeo to his knees. 

He slams into the ground but keeps his arms above him, keeps his shaking hands splayed, keeps his teeth gritted to the point of breaking. His head hangs like a broken marionette’s and his legs prick like needles. They don’t respond when he tries to stand again. 

“I can’t believe this. It’s almost sad. Are you that deluded? Or maybe you’re just stupid.” 

Another building, like the weight of the world, and it’s all Shigeo can do to keep his aura wrapped around them, to keep the buildings pinned and suspended, to keep his eyes open.

“You’re stronger than this, I know you are. He can’t teach you anything you don’t already know. Why do you care so much about him? All he’s ever done is use you. You know that.” 

The weight crushes him harder. Fireworks explode behind his eyelids. Something in his shoulder twists and snaps but he doesn’t have the energy with which to scream. 

“I don’t get you, I really don’t.” 

He can’t see even when his eyes are open. He tastes blood. His legs feel like nothing. His arms feel like too much. 

“He’s holding you back. You’ll never reach your full potential as long as he has you on a leash. He doesn’t care about you, you know that, right? He’s never cared about you.” 

Shigeo doesn’t care about anything else. All that matters is that he keeps this up. All that matters is Reigen. The psychic can come later. The rest of the world can come later. He can come later. 

In the creak of his bones, in the burn of his being, he knows it. He can feel it like a ticking bomb with a single digit left on the countdown. Like the blare of a horn moments before impact. 

He can’t. 

The psychic’s words reach him as befuddled nothings as he forces himself to draw a breath, to make sure his timing is perfect. He blinks until his sight comes back, until he can see Reigen behind him through blurred vision, until he can see how much distance there is between the two. There isn’t much. Barely half a foot. 

Shigeo squeezes his eyes shut again, counts to three, and releases the buildings. 

They come crashing down on them like waves in a tumultuous sea, and bury them until there’s no trace left. 

“... Here--! Hurry up!”

“Nii-san!”

“Kageyama, you--what the hell?” 

“Shigeo-kun, you can lower the barrier, it’s alright, nothing will harm you now--” 

“I’ll get a medic!”

Shigeo’s eyes flutter open slowly, around the same time his barrier dissipates. Ritsu is sliding down the side of a collapsed building, leaping near the bottom and hitting the ground running. Serizawa and Teru are already here, eyes weary with concern and hands outstretched. 

Reigen lies beside him, so close that Shigeo feels his breath, but still somehow not close enough. 

“Nii-san!” Ritsu comes skidding on his knees before he can think, and then his hands are on his cheeks, turning his head to force their gazes together. “Are you okay? Ca-Can you hear me?” 

“Ritsu...” His voice doesn’t sound like his own. Breathing doesn’t come naturally. “I... where...” 

“There’s a team of medics waiting outside,” Teru is saying to Serizawa, in a tone that’s intended to be too quiet for him to hear. “I’ll take him up, you stay with Kageyama. Don’t let him move.”

It doesn’t click, at first. 

And then--

“N-No, wait, I-I--” 

He tries sitting up, but his vision bursts into stars and sparks and colors and his head implodes with ribbons and rivets of something, but he’s too blinded by it to feel anything but vicious, white-hot agony. The scream grates against his throat, but he can’t hear it. 

“--y down, stay down, stay down--” 

There are hands on him, drawing him close. The smell of herbal tea and library books fill his nose, and usually it’s comforting, but not right now. Now it’s too much. He still can’t breathe. 

“R-Reigen--” 

“He’ll be fine, alright? Hanazawa is taking him to the medics. He’ll be alright.” 

The relief hits him in a way that both takes his already scant breath away and lifts the crushing weights from his shoulders. The fact that he can’t breathe doesn’t matter as much as it did, and neither does the aching burn in his limbs and the throbbing pulse in his temples. His lungs feel splintered, and that somehow doesn’t matter either. 

Serizawa’s aura moves through him like icy water on desert sands. He didn’t realize just how much pain he’d been in until he feels it begin to ease. His lungs and throat clear. He breathes. 

“Is... Is he--?” 

“He’ll be alright. But he really overdid it. Right now, I think the best thing for him is--” 

He passes out. 

“... Serizawa told me what you did.” 

Shigeo doesn’t look at him. “What did I do?” 

They’re sitting side-by-side on the couch of the office, with Shigeo leaning into Reigen’s shoulder and Reigen resting his elbow on the arm of the couch and his chin on his knuckles. His other arm drapes loosely around Shigeo’s shoulders. The bandages around his head look more orange than white in the light of the setting sun streaming through the blinds of the office window.  

“You know what you did.” 

“I do know what I did,” Shigeo answers, “but I don’t know what I did that’s worth making a big deal over.” 

“You--” Reigen swallows hard, brings his hand up to his face. “Serizawa said you overdid it. When he tried to look at the damage in your aura, he said--he said he couldn’t even find your aura right away. That’s how far you overdid it. That’s how bad it got.” 

Shigeo looks down at his hands, fingers threaded loosely in his lap. “I... I had to do it.” 

“It could have killed you, Mob.” 

“It was going to kill you, too.” 

“It’s different.” 

“I don’t think it’s diff--” 

“You’re a kid, Mob, a kid. I’ve lived twice the life you have.” 

“That doesn’t mean you weren’t worth saving.” 

“Shigeo--”

“You’ve always told me I should make my own decisions,” Shigeo cuts in. He isn’t an argumentative person, but this isn’t a fight he’s going to lose. “And I made the decision to save you. Even though I knew what it’d mean.” 

Reigen’s arm around his shoulders tightens. “But--why?” 

Shigeo pauses for a long while, mulling things over. He shouldn’t have to explain it. He shouldn’t have to tell Reigen why his life is worth saving. But...

“Because you mean a lot to me,” Shigeo answers quietly. “And you mean a lot to Serizawa, and to the people you’ve helped, and--and to all of us. I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for you, and... I don’t know what I’d do without you, really. I just...” He bites his lip, averts his gaze. “I wanted you to live, that’s it. I don’t want to lose you.” 

Reigen is quiet. The sun dips further, and the ribbons of light streaming through the blinds move with it, stretching stripes across the office. 

“I don’t want to lose you, either, Shigeo,” Reigen finally says, in a voice so thick that it barely sounds like him at all. “I just--please. Please. Be--be more careful in the future. That’s all I ask. Please.” 

That... That’s something he can do. He can’t promise he won’t do it again, he can’t promise he won’t push himself, he can’t promise he won’t do it for as many times as the people he loves needs saving, 

But he can promise to be careful. And he can promise to look after himself better. And he can promsie to do his best. 

He nods, Reigen pulls him closer, and they watch the sunset until the moon replaces it, and the night eases them, moment by moment, towards tomorrow.

#Cloud Writes #mob psycho 100 #mp100 #fanfic #drabble and a half #kageyama shigeo #reigen arataka #dadreigen #ya'll can just expect that from me now huh #but anyway #NOT a deathfic #just some good old fashioned hurt/comfort

[supersquiddy]

Mob Psycho 100 Spoilers (Addressing division and Animation Analyst)

l suppose I have to read the manga (which I will) to truly understand but I really did feel emotionally moved by this episode. Every little moment hit me.

 It was because of the presentation. Yes it did feel pretty rushed and I wouldn’t have mind to have this whole bit be two episodes like what they did with Mob’s fight with Teru. Those two episodes had, what I would call, build up action and pay off action.

Build up action would be the first clash between Mob and Teru, where everything was established. In the newest episode’s case, it would be the first half of it. Pay off action is when Teru encounter ??? Mob and the emotions that the scenes leading up to it had. In the newest episode’s case, that would be the epic fight in the 2nd half. 

Which, sadly, both of these “actions” had to be crammed into one episode. And many leave it feeling disappointed.

I, after some reflection of the episode, would have loved it to be more. Like the Teru and Mob fight. But this episode still.....hurt. Which was because of the presentation I mentioned earlier.

Loooong animation analysis,by someone who really want to tell their own stories and takes note of all these little things, under the cut.

The animation was amazing and I think it conveyed a lot. The letterboxing (the proper name for the two black bars at the top and bottom) frames the whole show in a different mood. Along with the world’s muted colors. Those two details alone already gave me a feeling of seriousness and foreboding.

How Mob looked when people were talking about how unnoticeable he is. Basically a walking punching bag.

Him getting slapped in front of the whole class and his peers whispering about him and throwing paper at him really got to me. I jumped and gasped when I first saw it, shocked.

The two guys trying to rob him and Ritsu’s icy cold stare was another moment that was a punch in the gut. Just a few episodes ago, Ritsu was ready to kill for his brother.

The lingering looks he has. (They are all sprinkled throughout the setup, I’m just using the next pic as an example)

The milk scene which serves as more public humiliation. The teacher(who I assumes was the same one who slapped him) didn’t attempt to intervene. It reminds me of passive teachers who do nothing to help a student of theirs who clearly needs help. And, before the girl pours milk on him, you can already see that Mob is going through a lot. (Also, make a note of the kanji that Bones chose to highlight. I think it also symbolizes a lot of what’s going on in a subtle way. Nature, Dream, Friendship, Darkness, are all things that are touched on in this ep.)

Mob’s room, which is usually relatively neat is disheveled. And it could be seen as alluding to Mob falling into depression. Some people with depression struggle to keep a clean room and often try to hid away. You can get a real sense of isolation even when Mogami is in the shot. While Mob sits with a vacant or stunned stare.

His room even mirrors Mogami’s when he starts talking about his life taking a turn for the worst. He’s trying to solidify the idea that he thinks that he and Mob is the same. Which I'll address Mogami’s role in all of this later on.

And one of the scenes that conveys the feeling of being pushed down and squashed by other people. How some people are just plain ugly and take everything out on people they see is beneath them is this scene right here. Screenshots can’t do it justice.

(I got this gif from @mobpsycho100 )

The fluidity and bouncyness of the animation fits the feeling of something is unhuaman. I think those who have been bullied and abused and you see the people who hurt you take delight in your pain can really feel this part. The way Minori is laughing, the way the other boys stretch and smile, all feels so sinister. The figures with all their agony adds to the disturbing atmosphere. Along with Mogami at the end. Offering to show Mob an escape. So I guess it’s time to talk about Mogami’s role.

He serves as the narrator for most of the episode. Constantly trying to draw out Mob’s emotions and powers to show that they are the same. He criticizes not only society but Mob too. He shows up as something that usually people pay no mind until they get in the way: bugs.

Always following Mob around. The VA for Mogami does a wonderful job at having this deadpan with a hint of spite or nonchalantness at certain points that really adds to the atmosphere. And that soon bleeds over to Mob after he decides to use his powers.His voice was never the most energetic but during that time it seems lifeless. It’s not really something that I can show but if you have a chance, rewatch the episode with all that in mind. (Which I recommend to do once you get done with this post. Maybe you might see this episode in a new light?)

And this part right here, the part during Mob’s breaking point, got me too.

(Gif by @jetstream-mat )

Her cruel smile says it all...

Anyways, I’m going to end it here because I only wanted to talk about the emotions of this episode leading up to Mob’s big change. I know a lot of manga readers have said that Bones didn’t do a good job of portraying the emotional impact of Mob’s 6 months in hell but I beg to differ. No, no cats died or Mob didn’t get stabbed, but I truly believe that Bones delivered in the emotions department. As someone who used to be bullied, not nearly on the level as this, this still shook me. Because I could feel how Mob would feel going through all of it. The half of the episode really did hurt. But I can understand why, even after you read all of this, Manga Readers, you still were let down. You had expectations. I just wanted to put down in words why I fount this moving and show why some might like this episode. And I don’t think the show had to be as heavy hitting as the manga to get the message across.

#mob psycho 100 #mob100 #mogami arc #minori asagiri #kageyama shigeo #squiddy speaks #i would write more but ooof i spent too much time on this #mob psycho 100 spoilers #i just love this a lot #thank you for reading

[samjunanto]

The Passionate Psychiatrist (wannabe)

Seluruh umat manusia yang mengenal saya (or at least sejak SMA sampai saat ini), pasti tahu bahwa saya sangat mengagumi ilmu psikiatri dan bercita-cita untuk menjadi psikiater. Sejak awal kuliah pun, bila ditanya “memang niatnya jadi spesialis apa?” akan selalu terlontar jawaban yang sama. Dan tak ayal, pertanyaan berikutnya akan segera muncul: “seriously? Kenapa mau jadi psikiater?”. Senyum tersimpul pada bibirku dan akan kukatakan dengan lantang: “Passion”. Dengan satu kata tersebut, pastilah menyusul pusaran pertanyaan berikutnya: “kok bisa?”, “lo yakin?”, “ga salah?”, “gimana ceritanya?”. Tapi yah mau bagaimana lagi? Namanya juga “Passion”. Sejatinya, satu kata tersebut merangkum sejumlah cerita dari belasan hidup yang telah saya alami. So be ready and let’s start unboxing THE word: “Passion”.

Tapi sebelumnya, mari kita bahas kebutuhan psikiater secara general yang mungkin akan terdengar cliche. Gangguan jiwa mungkin tidak letal bila dibandingkan dengan beberapa penyakit lain. Tapi, gangguan jiwa mampu menimbulkan hendaya yang luar biasa, tidak hanya pada sang penderita tapi juga pada orang-orang di sekitarnya yang mencintainya. Dan bila memperhitungkan stigma yang berkeliaran terkait gangguan jiwa, gangguan jiwa juga mampu membentuk dekandensi moral di masyarakat. You might not be dead by these disorders (well, actually you COULD, by having suicidal thought), but you could have been in agony for your eternity, what could’ve been worse? Tidak cuma itu, prevalensi gangguan jiwa itu cukup luas bila dibandingkan penyakit-penyakit kronis lain yang lebih umum menyerang orang tua. Sebagai orang yang bekerja di RSJ, bukan sekali dua saya menemukan pasien yang sudah mengidap gejala-gejala psikosis sejak belia. Untuk membuat hal ini menjadi lebih miris, psikiater di Indonesia hanya berjumlah sekitar 1000an. Mereka hadir untuk mengatasi masalah jiwa dari 260 juta penduduk Indonesia.  Soooooo saaaad. Apakah kini kalian terbayang betapa dibutuhkannya kehadiran lebih banyak psikiater di negeri ini?

Itulah alasan yang selalu jadi pembuka bila saya melakukan wawancara atau menulis essai formal/ semi formal. Now let’s move on to something more personal.

[WARNING FOR AN ULTRA LONG POST, I HAVE NO POTATOES]

[ALSO WARNING FOR BILINGUAL LANGUAGES]

Since long time ago, I am always into a math; not a prodigy, though. But I’ve dwelled in that world of logic and counting for straight six years since I’m 13. I could stand its complexity because it is beautiful and honest. It is intriguing because the math is both tangible and intangible at the same time. And you cannot lie or be lied by the math. It’s so pure and sincere, you cannot deny it. Notwithstanding, I was still no genius in math, and my parents and I knew that I might not be able to depend my life on it (no offense to all the math geniuses). In that moment, I learnt something new, something fascinating, and that was psychology. I found the similarity between psychology and math: both are abstract albeit well patterned. Moreover, although human mind is well patterned, each individual still has their distinctiveness. In addition, I was still a naive and reckless teen back then, I thought it would be cool, should I be able to know what is going on in someone’s mind ( the very first thing I would deny nowadays, and NO, psychiatrists is not clairvoyants) . Nevertheless, I failed to get myself into Psychology Department in Universitas Indonesia. I also failed at my second option: Medicine, in Universitas Indonesia (Putting the Psychology before the Medicine is obviously foolish. what a naive teen I was)

Begitulah sampai pada akhirnya diriku ‘terdampar’ di Kedokteran UNPAD. Awalnya tentu berat menjalani hidup sebagai mahasiswa yang mungkin tidak terlalu eager dengan pelajarannya. Tapi untungnya saya masih mencintai ilmu pengetahuan, hal ini membuat belajar kedokteran menjadi tidak se-melelahkan itu. Dan saya dulu juga sempat membaca novel Doctors karya Erich Segal. Novel itu memberi insight baru bahwa dunia kedokteran juga bisa seru, terlebih lagi tokoh utamanya juga seorang yang tidak terlalu senang di dunia kedokteran dan berakhir jadi psikiater. Honest confession: beberapa bulan lalu juga merasa relate kembali dengan novel ini karena dekat dengan mbak-mbak yang mau jadi pediatrician. Persis seperti pasangan si tokoh utama novel tersebut, LOL.

Sejak saat itulah diriku cukup menetapkan hati untuk terus berjuang sebagai seorang dokter agar bisa segera menjadi seorang psikiater. Terus kok bisa seorang Samjunanto bisa bertahan tanpa berganti-ganti pendirian? Well, no. The Samjunanto is never known for having a faithful trait. Tentunya banyak banget keraguan sampai saat ini, salah satu keraguan yang saya hadapi saat itu adalah apakah saya akan sanggup bila harus berhadapan dengan “calon klien”. Real patient, not a paper. Namun kehidupan koas jiwa yang hanya beberapa pekan memberikan jawaban yang lebih dari cukup. Memang benar, ada saja temen saya  (inisialnya R) yang ditampar oleh pasien, tapi saya tetap dapat menikmati apa yang saat itu saya jalani. Saat menjalani koas jiwa, pasien psikiatri tidak tampak menakutkan sama sekali, mereka kadang justru jujur atau terlalu jujur mengutarakan apa yang dirasakan, walau memang seringkali pasien menjadi tertutup atau manipulatif bila mereka tidak percaya dengan pemeriksa.

One of my biggest doubts came as I was struggling for National Exam for Medical Student in Indonesia. In that moment, I learnt a lot of stuff from every existing medical department and I love to be in that moment; a moment of having an astronomical amount of knowledge in my head. I am afraid, were I a psychiatrist, I should’ve let all those knowledge gone, especially Internal Medicine. Because as one could see, psychiatrist might not need that knowledge anymore: they are dealing with the Mind, not the Body. Or so I thought. Very fortunately, there came a moment of revelation, recent research found the correlations among psychiatry, neurology, endocrinology and immunology. Not to mention, there is a sub-field in psychiatry called CLP (Consultation Liaison Psychiatry), a bridge between the Body and the Mind per se. Ergo, I could still apply my knowledge as a general practitioner into my future practice.

Another doubt came regarding its development. Human mind and behavior is rather vague, it seems not feasible to have a scientific research in this field. How could one improve the diagnostic and therapeutic method regarding mental disorder since no one could “see” the disorder per se? But miracles are real, and they did come in the right moment to enlighten my naive mind. Nowadays, technology is very advanced, especially technology regarding psychiatric research. PET-Scan, fMRI, qEEG and all those sophisticated methods to “look” into someone’s mind is stunning. And I do believe that in the next hundreds years, human mind will become so tangible, one could even palpate it, or even more, modified it.

All those previously mentioned story I told you probably made you think that my intimacy to the psychiatry is all about the scientific infatuation. But no, as I stroll along the pathway toward a great psychiatrist, it also taught me something beyond understanding, it taught me to feel.  Erstwhile, I might be a pompous narcissistic person (probably i still am), yet psychiatry help me learn to be more humble, to listen more, to be more grateful, to realize that mankind is so diverse and one could earn experiences from each differences. Psychiatry is a teaching about humanity. Hence, it makes me love human-beings more, it lets me gain more insight from every human I met, and it drives me to preserve the harmony among the offspring of Sapiens. All in all, psychiatry is one of many things that help me to be a better Samjunanto. That is why my fondness toward the psychiatry grows from merely admiring it cognitively, into loving it emotionally.

Dengan dorongan itulah, pemuda ini mencoba terus dan selalu berusaha untuk menjadi psikiater yang handal. Perjuangan menjadi residen sama sekali tidak mudah, terlebih diri ini baru saja mengalami kegagalan dalam menggapai beasiswa LPDP (kalau berhasil niatnya buat tulisan tentang LPDP, tapi apa daya, lol). The abyss of despair of having a fiasco is never and would never be easy. Tapi kegagalan di LPDP ini berhasil menjadi salah satu milestone saya untuk terus berusaha. Pada akhirnya, kegagalan itu justru menjadi pelajaran bahwa ketika kita mempersiapkan diri untuk menggapai sesuatu, kita tidak hanya mempersiapkan diri untuk menang, tapi juga untuk kalah. Dan ketika saya sudah berlapang dada akan apapun hasil yang akan saya terima, justru saat itulah saya merasakan kegembiraan yang syahdu kala mendapat kabar bahwa saya diterima untuk menjadi salah satu residen psikiatri di FKUI. Thank God/Deities/Supreme Being(s)/ whomever up there my prayer always goes to.

Sungguh kisah yang jenaka. Beberapa tahun yang lalu saya gagal untuk menjadi mahasiswa psikologi maupun kedokteran di universitas jaket kuning. Kini, saya justru mampu belajar psikiatri (amalgamasi dari keduanya) di bawah panji universitas yang sama.

It, however, felt a little bit awkward. When I am usually the only one in the house who has the most passion towards psychiatry; for the next four years and many years ahead, I will be surrounded by the passionate psychiatrists, even more passionate than me.

Tentunya, ini hanya langkah kecil yang tidak bermakna mengingat masih banyak relung dan bukit perjuangan yang harus saya hadapi kelak.  Akan tetapi, tulisan ini dibuat bukan sebagai simbol kemenangan karena semuanya telah berakhir. Tetapi untuk mempersiapkan diri dan sebagai pengingat bahwa apabila di masa mendatang saya tersungkur tak berdaya, diri ini pernah sampai di tahap ini, di langkah awal ini: Ketika seorang pemuda tengah memanjatkan syukur dengan khidmat karena apa yang dicita-citakannya sedari dulu akhirnya tercapai.

#samjunanto #slice of life

[2n2n]

I've seen spoilers for the new chapter and honestly that makes me a little irritated about Hanako-kun in the last few chapters, he's been so pathetic, despite being funny, he's the seventh wonder of the school. Teru and Aoi don't even seem to be afraid of him 😢, do you think Aida Iro will, at least for some chapter with Hanako-kun, be serious with them or at least arm herself a little as a leader? It's just that I would love to see others be impressed by him instead of calling him a pervert 😅

I know it's been months in our human earth reading manga time but, it's been, like 2 minutes of feeling sad for Hanako! He can take it I promise!!! We've seen plenty of Hanako being very cool and sexy. I think he could be pathetic for a while.

PLENTY of past chapters for you to reread and enjoy, for impressive Hanako! We got that for a good while! A little humiliation is good for him, and the story. What has he personally done to make Teru or Akane afraid of him? He really bungled that train stuff ... his girlie came and ran him away.... but then, his joudai is the only reason Akane and Teru made it out of there fine, after Hakubo, lol.... it's complicated! It's interesting enough that they don't have destructive animosity towards him... Teru saw into Hanako's sensitive motivations, how he seeks to be the one to carry burdens to save who he loves (not unlike Teru)!

I don't personally really need Hanako to hulk out more and swing his knife around, though he COUUULD do that ... I wish he'd just get on his knees for Nene-chan, lol... I wish he could feel like.. YASHIROOOOOO!!!! WAAAIIT!!!! You don't have to clean bathrooms anymore I promiiiiiise!!!!! maybe with some belittling circumstances, we can get that stubborn guy to be a boyfriend.... light a fire under him....

the way Hanako's agonies have only been depicted humorously right now, I don't think there's a very respectable or reasonable reason he is so upset heehe..... perhaps it is petty... perhaps even, it is dumb. Perhaps he is having stupid feelings. Maybe he doesn't deserve to look cool, right now, lol.....

Everyone is a little too quick to see him as noble in his emotions towards this circumstance... I'm not so sure lol... his funny little brother ran off with his girlfriend to go play.... maybe it is time for not only Hanako, but also, the people who personify him as cool and impressive, to learn the same lesson... he should have to live it and you should have to spectate it.....

#avvy's JSHK