#I dont want to write it id make myself cry too hard but also i need to get it out of my head | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elix8r · 2 months

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never thought id do this but heres an essay on my thoughts on monkey bars 😭😭🤍🤍🤍

let me preface this by saying you did such an amazing job with this truly, you wrote so so well and i feel like you encapsulated every perfect emotion in the best way possible, and somehow it just gets better and better? i forgot how pt 1 went so i reread it before i read pt 2 and i was blown away again but youve even improved somehow ?!!? youre like the gift that keeps on giving 💋 also, thank you so so much for pushing through and writing this, i know it couldnt have been easy struggling with writers block but i hope u know we all think the world of this fic so please see the worth of your work 💗

ok now MY THOUGHTS!!! oh my lord, where to begin… first of all, same as before: from part one, i was already irked with jake when he pulled the beomgyu shit (albeit i moved on pretty damn fast surprisingly) but the cliffhanger you left us on was a game changer like he crossed the line so bad. i was conviced i would never forgive him. if someone did that to me i would have the exact same reaction as y/n tbh. anger later sad confusion panic first. and seeing the aftermath in part 2??? first of all, so glad she had such a good support system around her and people who actually put their morals first aka 02z bc u already know men irl would defend their “boys” first or whatever 🙄 hearing other girls gossip about her actually broke my heart cos if it was me i wouldve cried n had a panic attack there and then … and knowing my PARENTS know about it 😭😭😭

you wrote so well i was actually about to insert myself in NO JOKE!!!! like ok lets stray for a while but me personally i dont like “dumping” my emotions on anybody bc it makes me feel like im burdening them but when i read the scene when she went back home,, oh lord i wanted to cry in the dads arms there n then, u have a talent with words fr 🫣🫣

SORRY BACK TO OUR SCHEDULED ANNOUNCEMENT, nowhere in this fic was my heart set in stone. ok i lied. for the first 80% i was like FUCK THAT MAN HE DESERVES TO DIE IM NEVER FORGIVING YOU but then i started feeling pity too DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY YOURE AMAZING AT WRITING??? like am i throwing away my morals or am i just understanding that people are multidimensional,, woah lord,, like tbh i wouldnt have forgiven jake bc something of that scale is just not in my books, was way too extreme, but the way you wrote his character, his guilt, the actual situation??? couldnt even blame y/n for feeling sympathetic cos damn me too… i know a lot of people might not agree (especially irl. DEF NOT) but the way you wrote everything… how do you not feel bad for the poor boy 😭 in no way is y/n to blame for ANYTHING but at some point i started to be worried for jake too so i was like u know what. fine. get together with the boy. NO WAIT. idk. dont. IDK?!!!?

i think me personally, i wouldnt have been able to forgive him but i wouldve tried to move past it, despite how hard it would be. whether or not we get together would be a different question because rebuilding trust would take a lot, but,, yeah. overall i am soooo fucking satisfied with this, and the ending was so refreshing tbh!!! at first i was hoping they wouldn’t get together (literally when they kissed again i was like NOOO GIRLLLL WHYYYYY have more self respect!!!!) but after your slayful writing i was like nah u know what give them a happy ending,, n u did not disappoint,,,, i loved how it ended and that fresh start at the end was really like a breath of fresh air i have no idea how to explain it but it just genuinely did feel like a fresh start. i loved it. i will be rereading. thank you

OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE LONGEST MESSAGE I'VE EVER GOTTEN AND IM LITERALLY SCREAMING IN JOY BECAUSE OF IT!!

this was insane praise like omfg thank you so much! i always have such a hard time wondering if what i wrote is good enough to put out for you guys and to hear you say that is so meaningful to me 😭 the writer's block def was a bitch but hearing you say that you could see that I've improved makes everything worth it like i'd go through it again if it'll help me get better at writing im crying literally 🥹

so the whole time i was writing this last part i had a hard time deciding if oc should forgive him or not because personally i would never be able to but i just felt that the only way for this story to wrap up well and in a satisfying way would be if it was a happy? ending so i ended up just going with that and yes one of the main things i wanted to show was that everyone was rooting for y/n so i made sure no one excused jake's behavior

the scene where she went back home was kind of tough to write like i totally get you i get really emotionally invested even when im writing and jfc just imagining how my parents would react literally had me going through it like her dad was devastated and i think it really shows to what extent one person's actions/mistakes can effect cause this shit not only broke her down but also most of those around her so those scenes were def tough to write

but i am so so so glad to hear how much you enjoyed the ending and overall this story! you seriously just relieved me of so many of my worries regarding this story and i always feel like the best compliment is when people tell me they'll reread my stuff so thank you so so much for sending me this ginormous message and hope I'll continue to produce stuff you like! love you loads 🫶 🫶 🫶

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divorcingjimmatthews · 11 months

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season 2 episode 5 reactions as i watch

huge spoilers obviously

(this is mostly for myself to have somewhere to scream as i go, its LONG AF youve been warned)

RANDALL IS SCARING ME SO MUCH LIKE PLEASE DONT BANG ON STUFF WHAT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY MAKE THE TALISMAN FALL I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK WITH THIS SCENE. RANDALL STOP STOP STOP YOURE GOING TO DIE DUDE

(straight up cant watch the rest of the episode because i paused it and cant bring myself to unpause lmaooo. from ends here for me i guess)

ok its over thank god

JADE STOP DRINKING SOMEONE HELP THIS MAN. hes even sleeping with the fucking journal like please he needs 20 interventions

also dammit he actually moved to the bar i accidentally manifested it LMAO

can the show please stop torturing this man with the hallucinations please and thank you

TABITHA IS IN MAMA WOLF MODE LETS GO

boyd defending sara... knowing what happened to his wife and what she did... oh man. this hurts. knowing tabitha also lost a child before turns the intensity of all this to eleven millions

LMAO ok someone calling tabitha out for her basement hole and its consequences at long last. i love tabitha but like it has to be acknowledged

"That part i cant help you with" dang Good Line

honestly cant even imagine how sara is feeling i dont know what id be doing in her situation like just watching it stresses me so much.

ETHAN BABY :'(((( im sobbing

KRISTI IS SO PRETTY oh my god i am so bisexual right now. she cant just do this. the shirtttt. i think im seeing the sweetest and most beautiful woman in the world

dhsjfhsh marielle doing the same thing with the shirt that i had the reader do in my fic i cant even

"For a long time it smelled like you. Now it just smells" i laughed so hard

"Youre still you" 🥺

SARA GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU TRYING TO GET K oh yeah wait she probably is

oh its her house ok god i thought she'd gone to the matthews'

NEW HOUSE WHO DIS

cant belive an extra got one of the few houses this is so funny to me for no reason

this scene gosh. ouch. ouch. im taking 2 damage per second watching this episode

JADE. the bottles. jade my beloved this is point of no return level stuff. mrs Liu please come get him home

VICTOR

victoooor

"You dont look good" im losing it

thank you victor

victor 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love him. the sweetest

JADE IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU DONT BE LIKE THISSS

"WAIT" i fucking cant i love this man

"This took me all fucking night" jade never stop being the funniest mf on the planet please

jim calling tabitha tabby is so sweet it got me

"Faith. In you" oh boy. Oh man. Oh boy oh man. This scene. How is this show hitting every singe fucking note.

donna brought up abby omgomg

OK BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM FOR WANTING TO FIND AN ALTERNATIVE THIS TIME

(maybe)

(arghhhh this is so hard)

"only monsters live in the woods" ethan i love everything you say. go my boy

(sara voice) okay

"The trees theyre changing" i love how victor is 100% harmless but could NOT be any more ominous lmaooo

CAR GRAVEYARD

"When i was alone i moved the cars because i didnt want to see them. Theres a lot more behind the rocks but those were already here" GODDAMMIT

no but victor is literally the sweetest man on earth. you were rightfully angry victor !! jade now you apologise.

"okay" ill kill him

victor sitting on the car 🥺🥺🥺🥺 im going to cry

what a scene. my god.

SARA HAS ONLY BEEN THERE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS?

"Do you live here in town" ELGIN i love you

poor julie if she knew her crush is out there flirting with the local murderer

"I like what i like and i like owls" based. thats me writing 300 jade posts per day

oh boy this scene (me about every scene)

"THAT PART ALWAYS SEEMED A BIT LIKE WISHFUL THINKING TO ME" im. ill be processing for 3 years

"Did you do something that needs forgiving?" elgin my sweet boy

jim rightly proud of his badass kid

"you put hate inside me" :'(

is she gonna give her her stuff damn shes too nice

a part of me is feeling like shes gonna smash it tho lmao

SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU MRS LIU

i am starting to assume that everyone forgot about tobey so jade is never even gonna know that it was sara lmao

KENNY

oh my god kenny

im hurt seeing him so hurt

TOWNSPEOPLE CAN WE GIVE KENNY A BREAK OVER HERE PLEASE WHAT R U STARING AT HES VERY RIGTHFULLY MAD HE HAS EVERY RIGHT

oh elgin

elgin youre too sweet

elginnnnn

everyones gonna hate you elgin 😭😭😭 i am suffering for you

KRISTI BECAME EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THIS IS NOT A DRILL

now please do jade

"KRISTI WHERE ARE YOU GOING BABY STOP"

KRISTI NO NO NOOOOOO

i love her so much

"People liked him, then he changed" dont do this to me

"I am at the end of my rope" oh god

TABITHA??????

holy fucking shit im going to die of heart attack

this doesnt have captions i dont know what the creepy ghost children are saying

I WAS LITERALLY THINKING I WISHED TABITHA AND JADE WOULD INTERACT AND LOOK AT THIS NOW

i knew jim would not vote box lets goo

BOYD WHY

Randall ????

OKAY that tabitha and marielle scene from last episode was bothering me so much i cant believe i didnt think of this

what an episode my god

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yanderepuck · 5 months

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KAAAAAAAAAAAAAT *hug*

No you do not see me here procrastinating my Culminative assignment worth some large percentage! XD

Hihi! Can't write my academic stuff rn and got pretty vampires on the brain so I was hoping you'd let me talk about it until my academic mind comes back from whatever vacation it took!

What's a quality of a character that immediately bonds you with them? Like...what makes you love them? If you don't mind me asking!

I'm just thinking about how I fell so hard for Arthur...XD

Like for me it was kinda like "Arthur has a heart of gold he's my husband now this is happening"

What's something that bonded you with your guys? If you're cool with me asking that!

and what's something you'd want to do around town if you were in ikevamp?

And what do you think makes a good pureblood?

Do you have favorite tropes in fanfics? I'm curious, sorry if you answered that already I have the memory of a goldfish rn...

If Will and Charles proposed to you, how would you imagine thoes rings to look? I actually bought a ring from walmart of all places (I don't have the luxury of going to a jewelry shop to get one made!) that just had a very Arthur feel in my opinion! I wear it when I need some support throughout the day!

What things do Will and Charles do to cheer you up when you're sad?

I'll stop bothering you! Sorry :)

I just needed a bit of joy

I'm procrastinating on so much too ._.

For some reason I really love a clingy character. Idk if it's bc I'm clingy myself. Which is probably why I LOVE Charles. He's so clingy and I want to be clingy back. And we'd just constantly hold hands and cry when we have to let go for even a moment.

Something about them being a lil crazy is hot too. I can't really explain that one....

If I was there I'd mainly want to go sight seeing. The thing is.. idk ANY French so I'd be struggling the whole time. But I'd also be really excited about the fashion bc I love wearing corsets. And I'd 100% let Comte buy me anything I wanted.

I don't really have any favorite tropes???? I really only write and read smut???? But I do love silly little aus. With ikevamp I really love modern aus.

As for a ring...uhhhh...I'm not really a jewelry person...I've never worn rings...so I've never thought about it.. I hate diamonds..they actually aren't worth anything and I'd rather have something with color...maybe an opal..but I would rather have a necklace over anything.

HONESTLY ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS CUDDLE ME AND LET ME SLEEP ON THEM AND ID BE SO HAPPY. IM SO CLINGY. I NEED PHYSICAL TOUCH. PLAY WITH MY HAIR AND RUB MY BACK. THATS ALL I WANT

Also....DONT THINK YOU ARE EVER BOTHERING ME. I LOVE YOU DUMMY

Also forgot the pureblood one. Uhhhhh not Vlad

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umi-journal · 7 months

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#010

hi journal, double-post! sorry my heart feels a little heavy. its nothing serious but i would like to write it out so i hopefully feel lighter. i worked very hard on some contributions on a wiki, but im afraid it ended up making more work for others than that it helped out. it makes me feel bad. two people commented that my work had errors in it and someone else that they had to rework it quite a bit (reordering). i worked a lot of hours on it so i felt really bad. i put in all those hours and i still did a bad job apparently. i feel kind of ashamed.

im glad they told me bc i dont want to repeat mistakes, and i know they dont do it to embarrass me. but i still feel a little sad and embarrassed. maybe ill go cry it out a little later. its also a bit embarrassing when someone else comes on my page and sees how i messed up. i mean theres nothing really to be ashamed about, everyone makes mistakes. but yknow. being human just makes you worry about pointless things.

aahhh im embarrassed im embarrassed i feel bad. i shouldnt have put myself out there. but no i shouldve, bc i care deeply about the franchise and im grateful for the wiki maintainers. id love to help as much as i can. but being in public is scary. i know this is a little silly. i hope i can later go back to this post and think, cmon umi was it really that bad? and laugh at it. but for now i feel a little heavy.

its good that im putting myself out there.... to be around people. and i think these are steps into overcoming social anxiety. maybe i say sorry too much. some people find that annoying.... ive always said sorry too much. but maybe i want to say sorry, and maybe it makes me feel better! thats some kind of rebellion!! no i wont stop saying sorry! ha! take that!!!!

im rambling at this point hehe... sorry!! end of entry!

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the1975attheirverybest · 8 months

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im a bit of a mixed bag ngl i had my birthday which was very good then results which ehhhhh lowkey failed chemistry but i got into my top uni despite not meeting entry requirements !! but i now have horrendous period cramps and spent most of the morning wanting to murder anyone/thing that made noise until i was like ohhhhhh its here

as for favourite lyrics:

self titled: maybe basic but me and "i was thinking bout killing myself dont you mind?" because of the idea of if i did it would anyone care and its so obviously yes, people would mind A LOT but you still kinda dont think that. but also "id be your anchor but im scared you'd drown" from talk, the line from heart out which escapes me but is about turning into a tv, and "i know your looking for salvation in the secular age but girl im not your savour" because holy shit it did not have to go that hard. though it is very entertaining going through genius and finding out just how many drug references are snuck in that album

iliwys: i like cant actually explain it/don't understand it exactly but "im the greek economy of cashing intellectual cheques" just because of that idea of not feeling smart enough sometimes and like youre gonna hit a wall intellectually. but i also fucking love "for you are not beside me but within me" and the idea that you can love something so much it becomes a part of you and also how it links into what matty always says about tye transformative power of art and especially the feeling of listening to an album and feeling like it has become a part of you. also the "ive not been doing too well" at the end of nana makes me want to rip my hair out and like throw myself at a wall because its so incredibly sincere after a song that almost dances around his emotions and then its so incredibly direct and gut wrentching

abiior: in mine the "i fight crime online sometimes" is very good just because its a bit humourous in quite a sincere song and it juxtaposes the quite timeless instrumentation without being cringe. "what if you died with all of the cameras on" from petrichor stands out but i dont know why like i guess it could be to do with the idea of reaching a level if fame that even your death can be viewed by the world? theres probably a lot of better ones that are not coming to mind i was scrapping the bottom of the mental barrel a little

noacf: ittsysk speaks to me on a visceral level "see saw back and forth" and "oh please ignore me im just feeling sorry for myself" and undermining oneself despite having just outlined your mental turmoil.

bfiafl: "making an aesthetic out of not doing well and mining all the bits of you, you think you can sell" because i think we have all taken the selfie while crying for the funny later and ill very occasionally go through my notes app which no one else has read in an attempt to find something to put on tumblr or scrounging for photos i can put on tumblr to seem cool or edgy and even how because of small business tiktok people are monetising their hobbies that they do for fun because it could sell and people need money. also just "tell me you love me because thats all i need to hear" and "do you think that I've forgotten about you" are both so straight to the point yet so incredibly relatable and heartbreaking. "i would go blind just to see you" is quite fun because its a bit oedipus adjacent with the whole idea of prophecy and that oedipus only sees the truth when he is physically blind alike to tiresias.

sorry if this is a bit much. these are also all off the top of my head so there are probably a few better and more interesting ones im forgetting - 🐸

OKAY OKAY OKAY!!! So many unique highlights here. The line from Heart Out Is “you created a television of your mouth.” Which is such a specific and brilliant line in the way that only matty can write. In fact, only young matty. The more skilled he gets, the more concise he’s become. Which is definitely a strength but sometimes I miss his verbose and overly complex imagery. Like you can still see hun wrestle with it and try to work it out and circle round the idea but not quite get it. It’s so beautiful.

AND PETRICHOR?!!! HELLLOOOO!!!! Genius.

One thing about “Happiness” though…..I feel like it’s….purposefully…what’s the word….not quite cliche. More like tropey? Not that either. I don’t quite know how to to describe it. The whole “id go blind just to see ya.” “I’d go far just to have you near.” “Never gonna love again.” They’re very common ways of talking about love (and matty knows how to make the common uncommon but he does choose not to in this one) which helps to convey the energy in the song. In much the same way that the delicate imagery of JC2005 and the weirdly formal writing does the same there. Idk what the right words for this technique is. But I find it super interesting.

#🐸anon

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elio-monroe · 10 months

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im so incredibly depressed. this post is bad and contains a lot of content warnings that i can't even get myself to type out. i have a hard time seeing any of the stuff ive gone through as real or actually mattering. through most of my life if i tried to use the proper words or phrases i was told i was lying and those things dont count.

so im sorry i cant make content warnings for the read more. just take this as a big general one i guess. im not writing this for an audience im writing this for me.

this is also like a novel. so maybe don't read it because you could be doing anything better with your life. i am not exaggerating. this is so long.

i always feel like a huge bother. like im making peoples lives miserable by being around them if i am not doing everything they want to do. lately i haven't been able to make many decisions by myself, i freeze up and i just cant do it. i have to wait to be told and its frustrating, i hate it. i feel so stupid but i also feel so deeply that anything i think to do will be wrong, that ill be stepping on someone's toes.

i know my friends think i should stop making myself smaller and smaller, they encourage me to take up space. which is nice, i think, but i feel nothing but disgust for everything ive ever chosen to do.

i wish i actually didn't know why im like this. but like... i grew up every summer going to east side michigan, my grandma's house. where my cousins were, my mom's side of the family. my cousin's demanded i spend my time equally amongst them. every night i would swap what house i slept over at, if they got into a fight and didn't want to spend days playing with each other id have to make sure i evenly split my time between them and acted like i was equally on both of their sides.

if they got mad at me, even if one got mad at me, they both would ahhh you know theyd do stuff that wasnt great. a... small and lesser example would be the time they chased me and get me into a corner to terrorize me with a mechanical toy hopper (bugs life). i was very scared of that character when i was young because he was the bad guy and i was like 5 or 6. theyd do a lot of stuff like that, that would elevate as we got older. sometimes even doing more... physical stuff. i tried to tell on them when i was younger, get any adult to help me but none would really believe me. i had a reputation for being a cry baby so to them i was making stuff up. my mom would be too drunk to care at the time (she is better mother now), and my dad wasn't present in my early life (navy).

eventually i stopped being a snitch, it only ever made things worse. i guess that was a good lesson to learn early on... maybe... idk. anyways, anything theyd do to me id just keep it bottled up. i still do. and its extended past my cousins.

in late elementary my friend, who was a few years older then me and in middle school and knew a lot more about sexual education ah, well i dont think she ever meant anything bad by it im still like friends with her though we don't talk really. but i think she is a good person who just, i mean i didn't know what was happening other then being confused because i hadnt had any sexual education.... haha aaah ive just been so stupid and behind my entire life...

when we had sleep overs at her place she would usually have me sleep on a single pillow because i was pretty small when i was younger and she thought it was cute and i wanted to please her so bad. i didnt have a cell phone but she did (these were flip phone times) and she use to take a lot of photos of me... kinda non-consensually, not like sexual ones or anything so i just let it happen because there wasnt any real harm other then my mild discomfort.

eventually she moved away. and then i moved away. we kept in contact though. like i said im still her friend.

middle school was catholic and rough. i was the poorest kid going to a private school. i had hit puberty right before entering 7th grade (my first year of middle school) and my boobs had already grown to be nearly double d. catholic school uniforms are not very friendly to more curvy body types. most of the girls called me fat, i really only had one friend (and one kinda weird stalker-like girl) who had much bigger breasts then me and was a little chubby. i tried my best to not be offended at the fat comments because my friend would get them a lot more and i thought that was fucked up. i never liked when fat people where the punchline to jokes, i didn't know the word fatphobia but i was against all the shit they went through.

anyways i joined the co-ed soccer team and all girl basketball team. i had three years of soccer (on an all girls soccer team, aka real soccer) and i was a fucking killer mid-fielder. my thighs were giant and powerful, i could run for and sprint for hours without slowing down. i was a jock and i didn't even know it. i outclassed pretty much everyone on that team and i was benched pretty often because of this. the coach hated me, like literally told me how i shouldn't be as good at soccer as i am because i was making the boys feel bad. he told me it wasnt my place as a girl to do that. he'd make me run lap after lap after everyone else was allowed to stop i had to keep going.

a bit of a back up here. but i am physically disabled... i don't usually like to say that because its... minor i guess and there are so many people who have it worse. so please don't think ill of me if you are reading this, i know it doesn't count but im just getting it out there i guess. anyways my ankles (and do some extent my wrist as well) are very weak. my ankles actually hurt every single day because i am a very active person and must be on my feet a lot for my job too. but basically my ankles never really fully developed despite how much i worked out as a kid. i droll my ankles probably like 3 times a day when i was younger, im a bit more careful now, only about like once or twice a week and i rebound from it very quickly.

anways after my first year of soccer we had a new coach (this was on the all girls team) bc our first couch had to retire due to... being... not a very great person lets say. the new coach noticed i walked and ran a bit funny and one day asked me if i would allow him or my parents to wrap my ankles in bandages. i agreed and let my dad do it since he was a (navy) doctor. and lo and behold i could play soccer so much better. the pain was pretty much gone and i could fully concentrate on playing the game. and i was so fucking good.

back to middle school (in an entirely different state too) the co-ed soccer coach found out about my bandages, because one of my teammates saw me wrapping them in the bathroom and told him, and he made me stop. i got worse but i still kept trying, i wanted to spite him so bad. i wanted to spite all of them. i especially wanted to spite the girl that disclosed this information.

i hated her so much. she commented on my body so often. she bullied me every single day of middle school (thankfully i only went to middle school for two years). she was fat but called me fat, i never retaliated because it was pretty fucking clear she was insecure. sure the comments hurt because they were mean, but god i much preferred her fat comments to what she would end up sticking with after she saw me naked.

we were both on the soccer team (and basketball team), this was a very small school and i was in the largest class, at 18 people. usually we would have a good amount of time for everyone to change in the bathroom stalls individually, but it was going to rain in the late afternoon and because ppl in ct can't handle the rain like ppl in wa our game had been moved up so we all needed to get changed fast. whatever, i did not care, and i began to take off my uniform. it became very apparent to every girl on that team right then that i was not fat. so much so that bully girl had to give her thoughts on my body which was "wow, deadname! you really aren't fat." she said more but i refuse to quote her directly as it was horribly degrading and very rude to sex workers. but the gist was i had a body type perfect for men. i was 13 and appalled by this comment.

i know that probably seems like a pretty mediocre thing to be upset about in the grand scheme of things. but at 13 i had some... unfortunate sexual time on the school bus with another kid. over the fact that i couldn't be ace because of.... being a tease i suppose. before 13 my cousins often commented about how id dress like a slut from time to time. and i guess they had a point, i have a pretty more sense of what my body looks like and what it is doing at any moment in time. through out my life and still to this day i accidentally show more "private" areas of skin. my ass is fat and short skirts look better on me then long ones (and i honestly do not care that much if strangers get a glimpse, its not hurting anyone and you can just fucking look away). as a kid i often had plenty of "outfit malfunctions" that'd show off my boobs, they really don't make little girl clothing that fits around double ds. and once again i was small as kid, i could not fit adult shirts or bras or underwear (despite how fat my ass is i still wear teen/little girl underwear if im not wearing boxer breifs bc most woman's underwear will sag on me unless i go to an asian run store. mass produced clothing is fucking awful and a scam).

one time, with my first soccer team, the first coach had invited us all over for a halloween party. my mom didn't allow me to dress goth (she was and might still be scared i'll turn out to be a serial killer) but on halloween she allowed me to wear anything i wanted. and i wanted to be a skull fairy because i liked skulls and i loved being able to wear mostly black whenever i could. the top was strapless, the breast size a good amount too small for my honkers but that didn't stop me. mini skirt and thigh highs. i added a black feather boa because i loved boa's but being surrounded by other children meant i could hardly live my true camp-self day to day, but on halloween i could wear the biggest sparkly black boa i wanted. i also had some cool black fairy wings.

at the party she had us play some games, typical things like dunking for apples (i didn't participate in that one because im very bad at not breathing in water when its on my face), and pin the tail on the donkey, like super regular kid games. but there was one game where we were split into three teams, where one person on the team was tied up and chained to a chair while the other teammates took turns trying to find the right key to release the various padlocks along the captives body out of a large bowl of keys. first team to get their captive free wins. as you might imagine this game went on for a long time because there was a lot of fucking keys and if the key didn't work you had to return it to the bowl bc it might work for the other teams and all the keys looked extremely similar to each other. i was voted to be the captive (i wasn't really liked on my soccer team but i was fairly good at it for my first year and the coach saw promise in me and the team wasn't about friendship, it was about winning (we won 90% of our games that year)), which i was fine with because i didn't like the idea of running back and forth and getting frustrated. and in all honesty i was a little freak and for reasons unknown to me at the time, i really liked the idea of being tied up so i let it happen.

and oh boy how i had greatly misjudged how disliked i was! i was the first of the captives to get tied up, and i honestly don't know if there was a sorta mistake on the amount of supplies that were needed but after me, the two other captives were tied a lot less strictly to their chairs. they only had their wrists, ankles, and waists tied and padlocked to the chair, where as i also had my thighs and chest and tied up (no padlock on those two areas though). it quickly explained to me those were for like setting the scene or something. i accepted it but i was starting to panic a little because my chest was tied pretty tight and if i moved even a little bit my top would start to slip down. i tried to stay as still as possible and not bring any attention to my gradual double nip slip. but ya know, its hard to not wiggle a little when you've got various girls hands brushing against you as they try key after key.

the horror of it really came after one of the other teams won, the other team finishing seconds behind them, and my team had yet to find a single successful key. my boobs were fully out at this point and my skirt had rode up so my kim possible themed underwear was on full display. i was pretty embarrassed about the kim possible thing, and i suppose i was right to because my teammates absolutely thought it was lesbian behavior to have shego's smug face beaming from crotch. and to make everything worse, there was no skeleton key to this game. i was stuck there until the actual fucking keys were found. the teasing was pretty relentless, even after the mom came back into the room to see how things were going she didn't help. i asked her to help, i was on the verge of crying because i was very humiliated and wanted to go home (plus i was battling the very alien feeling of arousal), but she figured it would toughen me up to... sit through everything. eventually i was freed and i cried in the bathroom and asked to have my mom pick me up. she did, she asked me how the party was and i said it was fun but i was tired. (as a side note i'd be totally down to recreate this in a far more consensual way hahaha. being tied up and played with by some actual friends sounds so lovely)

so yeah, the comment about my body being great for men, for sex, was a bit to raw for me. i didn't say anything back though. i didn't know how to respond because all the other girls agreed. i got into the next stall as soon as possible and never changed in front of girls again.

i also never wore that skull fairy custom again unless it was with a long sleeved black turtle neck.

i became so much more conscious to cover my body up. but that never worked. i'd continue to be touched and groped until i eventually chopped those puppies off in my third year of college.

but even throwing my boobs away, even after starting t, cutting my hair short, wearing the most conservative outfits, people still touch me. i've grown fine with being touched by friends, i know they mean no harm. or... i guess i hope they don't mean any harm. i think overall people are good and have good intentions and sometimes just do things on accident and we don't have to over analyze everything.

i dont like strangers touching me. but... i'm very very awful. im no good at anything and i just, i just let it happen. every time. i let it happen. i guess i try to softly push their hands away, but i get so scared if i try any harder things will go worse. i dont speak up or say no. at most i maybe shake my head. god i wish i wasn't so fucking stupid.

but then maybe im not. the overwhelming majority of people i try to tell about these things don't believe me. or don't think its really bad that it happened. when i was in college i tried to use the woman's resource center for... ah well for like rape related stuff. but they told me i wasn't welcomed in the center and that whatever happened to me was not rape and does not warrant support. i know its wrong to use resources and support for something you've never actually for real gone through, but i was... and i guess still am desperate for something. i don't know what that is. i don't know how to define what i've gone through. i just have been told its not rape, its not really sexual assault, and its so minor that i can't even call it sexual harassment. but... i've seen people with similar stories to mine get those resources and be welcomed, embraced.

i hate to say this... but sometimes i wonder if its because i wore a tie and dress pants everywhere in college. i've never dyed my hair, and i don't really... idk i guess i don't look queer enough or feminine enough. maybe i scared people because i looked like the people who did bad things to them. i hadn't started t yet when i was rejected from the center, i hadn't even had my boobs removed. but no matter where i went there was this overall feeling that i was 100% a man and men don't go through those things very often. and it made it worse that i was a trans man, if i talked about those things i was invalidating my own gender and it made others uncomfortable. i had friends that hated to think of me before i was chosenname, that would tell me i was misgendering myself if i talked about specific things i went through. so i stopped.

i understood then that anyone who claimed themselves to be a safe person to talk to about things, to come to when you needed help, where not for me. i did not count.

i didn't mention my time in high school. i had one good year, 9th grade, at a tech school in ct. i moved to mi a year later. but i was loved, i was popular, i was just me. i still cry thinking about how much better my life could have been if i could have stayed at that school and not moved away. yeah i was being used because i was the smartest kid in the school and i was actively improving the test grades so much that i became a literal bargaining chip at a big conference for the district panel on fund allocation amongst the public schools. i was very happy with this by the way, and i had actively and enthusiastically given consent for the board members to use my grades as a means to afford more for the school, we all pretended that i wasn't moving come the next year. a few teachers joked about kidnapping me so i could keep attending the school (another thing i told them to do but this time they didn't :c). anyways, worked out well, the whole school got funded, more kids with higher test scores started attentending after me, and now the schools been completely remolded (it was originally designed as a cold war bunker turned tech school hahaha. we had a boiler room still that would constantly blow up and we'd just get random days off of school. it ruled).

then i moved to mi. everything went downhill. i become the obsession of one kid in my grade who i unfortunately had a locker right next to. again i wore a lot of short skirts, but at this point i was wearing leggings underneath as opposed to thigh highs, and i wore my blouses all the way buttoned up with a scarf acting as a diy tie. it was a killer look, id still wear it. but this guy decided i was his anime waifu. he'd try to get me alone. he'd push me up against walls to tell me how beautiful i am and how he would do anything for me. it was pretty bad because i didn't know how to make boundaries. i was scared of him getting violent with me (though he never showed any tendancies to do so... i was... well we've established im stupid). so for three years id occasionally just have to deal with some guy with a huge asian festish trying desperately to date me. i avoided my locker as much as i could.

then there was the pathetic guy. he was a year ahead of me and not interested in my at first. i was on the quiz bowl team with him and he had a bit of a reputation of going after woman who continually turned him down, and he often tried to go for the more.... aaa mentally ill girlies. he went after my friend who was a senior (also not a girl anymore) and i hated him forever after being told about it. i tried to be rude to him, though i don't know if he ever understood that or maybe i wasn't good at being rude (though i'm pretty damn good at it i think!). but after my friend graduated he suddenly started to push himself on me. at quizbowl matches, id sometimes get a little overwhelmed by all the buzzer sounds so id occasionally sit at the back of the room to get a bit of distance from the noise (which everyone was pretty cool with!), and well he'd follow me right on back. he didn't want me to be lonely he told me. i never felt lonely, but i did begin to worry that maybe i looked lonely or maybe he was lonely. but i also didn't like him, but also i was at a sporting event and he was my teammate so i can't be rude to him. so id let him sit near me. then he'd get nearer and nearer and nearer until he had his arms wrapped around me. he'd whisper in my ear and dig his fingers into my thighs, sometimes he'd pull them apart. but i never tried too hard to stop him. i don't know why.

eventually a girl in his grade and on my team noticed this, and she started sitting by me too. he stopped. i never told her thank you, but i thought it, i tried to convey it with my eyes. she didn't care much for me but she always kept her gaze on me when he was around. sometimes.... i find it hard to believe she was the first person to ever help me out of something like that.

occasionally at school the guy would get me alone and he'd be rather violent. he'd make me feel bad that i never told her to stop staring. didn't i like him? didn't i trust him? he was so alone and i was too and he was just trying to make me feel better. he threatened to sue me when i told his younger brother i didn't much care for his big brother as he pushed himself on my friend years ago. i did laugh in his face because that was such an empty threat, even someone as gullible and stupid as me could put that together.

god id never want to relive middle or high school, or even elementary school... or college... wild because i was really good at school and i've never been good at anything ever again.

now these days... ah my adult years have been a bit better. i get groped a little less now that i don't have boobs. but i don't wear as much conservative clothing as i use to. i've started wearing feminine outfits again, which are nice. i try not to let the... weird things people say to me get me down. i try not to believe i deserve those words.

i tried to get use to taking the bus again. i live an hours walk away from my job but i live on a direct bus line to it. though over a year ago... when i was trying out the buses again by myself a man came up to me. i was sitting down at the bus stop and he stood right in front me of, very close, as close as he could be. he was very clearly homeless and most definitely mentally ill so i didn't want to be mean about personal space right away. so he started talking and i slowly pushed myself to the end of the bench se we had more distance while talking. but that did not work as he just followed. his questions got weirder. he had commented about how he thinks boys look nice in skirts and stockings and my stupid fucking ass was like "oh well thats great! he seems really supportive! i guess i don't have anything to worry about!" then his hands came down on my thighs. i placed my hands on top of his hand gave them a slight push downwards, i was trying to say "please don't" but that wasn't clear enough. he instead started rubbing my legs up and down.

at this point i was like "ah fuck! again! again with something happening at a bus!" but i could not summon up enough of a fight in myself and i just kept answering his questions like a dumbass.

then he asked "where are your parents", that was an odd question. "not here, at home probably." "are you heading to school?" "no... no." i was so lost at this question. it seemed so fucking bizarre to me "what school do you go to? what school around here? where are you going?" "i graduated!" "from where? when?" "grand valley! a few years ago!" then i watched his eyes grow cold. he stopped smiling. and he turned and left me. no further questions. the bus arrived and i got on. i just stared out the window and cried silently as i slowly realized what had just happened. i was suppose to then take the bus back, but i couldn't. i called my boyfriend and cried to him and asked if he could pick me up instead and he did. he promised me he would if i ended up getting to uncomfortable.

i try so hard to get use to the bus. i think public transportation is great. but i keep getting scared. my looks get me in trouble more then they give me any benefit. he isn't the first guy to think im a kid and try stuff with me. even in college well meaning people told me their attraction to me felt incredibly illegal. i still don't really know how to process that. personally i think i'm rather ugly and unapealing. but i've had plenty of people tell me they are attracted to me but feel bad about it. and i don't know what that means.

i know i can't have an onlyfans. no matter how much i prove my age it just gets reported for being csem, same with instagram. i had to stop posting pictures of my fully clothed body on insta because even those were getting reported! i can't show my face for my works socmed bc it'll get taken down. even when there was just the back of my head people thought i was a child (and were freaked out by the content of the reel due to my perceived age).

i feel like im just trapped forever in this weird... bubble. nothing ive been through is considered to be enough. but all of it slows me down. all of it scares me. all of it continues to ruin my life. i get anxious. i get so scared. i have to be told what to do. i need people to not see me as human because when people care about me at a deeper level, when they don't just see me as some fun toy to play with and throw out in a year, i get scared.

god this has gone on for so long. i did not mean it. but i gotta get in the shower. i have to go to work. im scared and anxious and depressed but i gotta go to work. i wish i could just do art. but i've just started self harming again instead. im so stupid. but i guess writing all this out was better then cutting myself.

now if you somehow read through all this. do not call the cops for a wellness check. i will try my hardest to do suicide by cop.

also never call the cops for a wellness check on anyone ever you fucking moron. do you know what they do? do you? do you fucking know? would you believe me if i told you even a single fucking thing they've done to me? or are you just going to ignore that and call because "youre so scared for me" and you think because im white ill be safe. shut up and unfollow me. never talk to me again. block me. you are a fucking idiot and only view the world in black and white. i do not need that in my life. educate yourself on the history of cops and disabled folks, trans folks, and gay men. seriously. fucking go and learn and be a better person.

#this is probably the most information ive shared about myself in regards to these events #they are still very very vague #bc i know none of it matters or counts #doesnt matter how graphic i tell it or what details i include or dont include #none of this will ever mean anything #and thats just life

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fraener · 1 year

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4/15/23

this week has been hard on me. ive been very anxious and even stayed home from school thursday because i was too scared to leave the house until the evening i went with hans and we worked in the garden. its nice to be touching the dirt again. i cant remember if i wrote in here that i joined the experimental music ensemble or not, but were meeting for the second time tonight. it felt good to do something new and be kind of bad at it. i realized in that moment that i really miss trying things and being bad at them. its been strange, i feel really scared in the mornings and then i feel ok by the evening usually, a little scared again when im going to bed. my anxiety and ocd are evolving in new and interesting ways. it sort of feels like when a zit is surfacing or something, everything feels like its coming to a head and everything thats building up pressure under the surface is going to come flowing out and then ill be ok again. im looking at my healing and hurting cycles like breathing....a big inhale of horrible painful scary events and then i hold my breath for a little bit and then a biiiiiig exhale every few years. my lower and middle back have been hurting, and i think im having some dampness/spleen stagnation thats making it overact on my kindeys. ive definitely been stressing out and have had a really hard time getting out of the cycles and into the ifs lobby/core self. but other than my anxiety things have been really good. i fall a little more in love with hans every day which is really nice, and even though we had some conflict recently we both handled it so reasonably that it didnt even make a bump in the road for more than a couple of hours. its still been hard to eat but no so much because im scared of getting sick as its just hard to find fresh food in the grocery store. the produce is really bad right now and so im really looking forward to the coming weeks where ill be able to eat things that arent canned or bread or dairy anymore. i finally got some eggs so im really happy with that. i kinda think i might have to just move back to seattle after all when school ends. the artist trust is really promising for grants and such and i really really really miss home. im going to be penpals with stefan i think, they said yes so im excited about it. i started crying really hard because it felt like an avenue back into feeling like myself and feeling like home. theres this shimmering warm light like from one of those big windows in the animation room that i keep feeling when i feel like i can return....i get the same feeling from that first spring in this apartment. like the world is so big and warm and bright. like theres something right outside of my little stormcloud i cant seem to get out from underneath. i think i want to travel lots and go to grad school somewhere really interesting but i also really want to come home, germs and loud noises and high prices and all. but today i feel ok. today stefan said yes to being penpals with me, today i stumbled across the blog of someone who loves food and loves to cook beautiful things who lives right across the street in the martin in one of the apartments facing the olympian. today im going to call my grandma and karen and go do some more earth prepping and go to the herb store and go to my choir practice. today i might clean or meditate or go for a walk, i might try and make something out of clay, i might write a letter, i might cry some more. today is full of just as much good possibility as bad possibility. actually i think more good than bad. my outlook has been so damaged and changed in so many ways i just want everything to get flipped right side up again. i think if i could see the world a little different like i used to id feel so much better. i dont need to make a beautiful life up, i need to see how good life is right now and lean into it as hard as possible. what max said about life being a competition for who is having the most fun is right. i should be trying to win.

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aphrorite · 2 years

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-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #6 !! 💫🧸📔

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ june 5th 2022 📝💛🍰 ⊹ɞ

oh diairy i m not feleing too well ): i am very sad and tbis is one day aff ter i snuck out bcos i feel sad ,, )):

tw vent // vent regression

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

im rewrite this morning later bcos i was 2 sad to write last night n couldn finish sentence...

idk i jus. super sad diary,, im hug bear as i write this bos he comfor but he also kinda col so i hope i warm him up w blankie

i jus really sad. i am. i hate m ocd and i feel totally homebound. it make me concerned for finances, even necessity like buying food, watar, or rshampoo, i cant make decisions bcos my mind love to destroy it... and it hard to cope w my ocd bcos i used to handle it for 5 years but now that i kno i really hav it an im diagnose... grade drop n everything TT

they say med start work 3 month but idk if i can suffer tht long w this silly thing. the medicine was good for 2 week then back 2 normal which is inconsistent n unstabl.

so m guess i shoul apply 2 some jobs to see where it take me. i appli to one shoe place already but they enver call back, same go for grocery store. maybe something wron with my resume ? or mayb the opportunity jus not for me, im guess. i told myself id apply to som more so mayb i should do that.

im also jus.. really sad bcos unrequited feeling. last stranger thing hangout w guy i sorta like,, he kept saying stuff i didn like cos i got jealou of the chars and i hate dat bc its rocd tellin me im gonna lose him when its. a. fictional char!!! no one really understand ocd either )): i cant just 'stop overthinking' or 'relax' whch in the moment it helped but it always come back.

so that night (friday night) after he elft call i went out n snuck out. i wore my plaid skirt, my long adidas sweater n stocking so socks = quiet footstep, and was out for an hour ish,,,. i wasnt suppos to but i really didn know hwho to talk to so i .. call my ex, and he listened. he listened even though ir eall y hate him but also dont.

jus walking on the road at 3 am, freezing cos it was 8c in summer, n staring up at the sky at the million of star. i hav never seen them so bright before and it was mesmerizing, but i felt so alone. i like going outside at night alone bcos no one there but this time? i felt alone w my pain.

so i fcalled him, start cryin, end up at the park, laid down on the field and.. stared at the stars. curled up,, talked about my pain,, cried,, and cried,, bcos it was painful 2 say it cos i nevert old anyon before, and then he had 2 go, so then i ran home crying,,, got in bed around 5 am,, did some astronomy sites becos i took some photo and wanted to see wht constellation they were, and went asleep around 7 am.

im sad diary. whenev i go on walk alone outside, it like a relapse to me. idk if it a compulsion becaus, i DO wanna go outside walk alone bcos its nice and i can breathe and restore my energy, but also not good becaus i fee l like i betray god and my family, which is the obsessive intrusive thought. i mean when i go outside ther eis nothing forcing me to except for my mind syain, ''cmon, youw anted to, heres your chance'', etc. so im not sure.

but its over now i guess... i am not very content. because i dont like my ex despit venting, its just bcos he'll listen. idk i am very conflicted when it comes to him, and then i looked him up and saw his new ex,, and it made me laugh becbaus it look like just his type, no wonder.. no. wonder. seeing her sort of made me inadequate, but u cannot compare apples to bananas. we r not the same.

it wa hard.. tryignt o make myself feel bettter. i mnage to try and organize my seagate file ,, tried playing sims 2 before realizin all my data was deleted ,, ): ,,, but reinstalled sims 4 and let it install over night while i sleep.

m gonna write how my past week was n then do to do list.

sory diary ): bear luv u lots. so do unicorn.

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

#sfw agere #sfw agere blog #aphrorite.diary #tw vent #🌸#vent regression

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stimmingandstruggling · 2 years

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HEY EVERYONE GO LISTEN TO EVERYBODYS WORRIED ABOUT OWEN THEYRE A QUEER MIDWEST EMO FOLK PUNK ARTIST WHO ONLY WRITES BANGERS!!!!

have you heard the mawce song on tiktok? the trans mood? ill give myself a name, something stupid and pretentious? YEAH, THAT SONG ALSO FEATURES LINES LIKE “WHERE COMPLACENCY RULES AND KIDS ONLY DIE” “ILL HOPE ALL THE COOL KIDS WHO GRADUATED BUT STAYED JUDGEMENTSL WILL FINALLY ACCEPT ME” “I RETURN TO THE HOUSE NOT A KID NOT A MAN”

other BANGERS include:

To Myself In Colorado: WHY does “i know I should focus on my health but health has never been the plan” HIT SO HARD

The Soccer Journals: FUCK FUCK SHIT OUCH OUCH ITS A FELONY IN FLORIDA TO OWN A FAKE ID SO TELL ME AM I GUILTY IF I CHANGE WHEN NO ONE IS NEAR ME

There Are Leeches In Denton Lake: SIR????? YOU EXPECT ME TO HEAR “and there’s no point in screaming if you never wanted to ask for help” AND N O T FUCKING COLLAPSE FROM SHEER SHOCK AND EMOTION??????

Screwing In A Lightbulb: FCUKING. CONSEQUENCES ONLY MATTER IF YOU HAVE A PLAN TO GET FAR. THAT WAS MY DUCKIGN WORLDVIEW FOR SO LONG. A LOT OF PEOPLE RECOVERING FROM DEPRESSION GET THAT FEEL OF “I THOUGHT ID BE DEAD BY 18 WHAT NOW” F U CK

Solitary Confinement: YOU CANNOT ISOLARW ME PAST THE WALLS THAT I HAVE BUILT. OWEN I CANR FUNCTION LIKE THIS ITS NOT FAIR STOP MAKING ME CRY

Sleepwalking: ok this is personally less of my vibe, BUT HOLY SHIT “IVE BEEN SLEEPWALKING WITH A SWISS ARMY KNIFE” IS SURE A LINE TO CRY TO

and let’s not forget this little TEASER they posted on tiktok making me fuckign ASCEND with THE SISTINE CHAPEL OF YOUR COLLARBONE??? DONT GET ME STARTED ON FUCKING. I NEEDED SOMEONE TO GROW OLD WITH ‘CAUSE I STILL FELT TOO YOUNG. EVEN VAGUELY MENTION AT THE GALLOWS YOU SAID DONT LEAVE ME HERE I CRIED I TURNED AND RUN AND I WILL BE SOBBING LIKE. I DONT KNOW LIKE ANYONE LISTENING TO THIS??!!

#everybody’s worried about Owen #fucking. DUDE #THEYRE AMAZING #HIS VOICE???????#tw depression #everybodys worried about owen #Midwest Emo #folk punk

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tastyykpop · 3 years

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ᴀɪɴ'ᴛ ɪᴛ ғᴜɴ

Pairings: winwin x reader

Genre: smut

Warnings: dom!winwin, brat!reader, some face slapping, spanking, hair grabbing, degradation, some praising at the end, rough sex, unprotected sex, crying, my sad attempt at writing subspace, aftercare

Synopsis: you try to dom sicheng, until you take it too far and the roles are switched back to normal

"Stay still, sicheng." You growled, gripping the mans chin to make him took at you, "And you call me needy." The eyes staring into his rolled making him scoff.

"You're lucky im even letting you do this." Sicheng placed his hands on your hips that were seated on top of his and toyed with the fabric of your pants.

You swatted his hands away, "Dont touch~" you mocked, just like he always does whenever you aren't on your best behavior. It always made you angry but doing it back gave you a sense of power for once.

"Dont be a brat." With bitterness laced in his voice, he decided to give up and place his hands behind his head to rest against the headboard. "Well," he started, "Are you gonna fuck me or not?" Sicheng raised a simple brow at you before you glared in return.

"Patience. That's what you taught me anyway."

"I also taught you to be good, but looks like you still haven't learned." He clenched his jaw.

Meanwhile you were ignoring him and started unbuckling his pants, easily taking his hard dick out. You smirked as he let out a hiss once the cool air in the room came in contact with it, "So sensitive. Isnt that cute."

Slowly, you moved your hand up and down his cock, purposely making him whine and whimper under you as you teased his slit for your own enjoyment. Sicheng slowly made his way down to where your hand was, grabbing your wrists but not pulling them off. He then threw his head back in pleasure, moaning your name out and saying how good you made him feel. Of course, he had to make your ego grow.

"Theres no way you're a dom," You smiled in a way that made his brows furrow before you spat in your hand and placed it back on his achingly hard cock. Sichengs hips lifted into your hands,, wanting more friction, but you pushed his hips down making him whine, "You're just a whiny little slut."

"Y-you did n-not just call me a whiny s-slut..." he tried his best sounding intimidating, but his voice failed him, creating an almost whimpering sound. "F-fuck, go faster."

"Dont tell me what to do." You stopped and squeezed his cock tightly, just enough to make him tighten his grasp on your wrists and groan from what sounded like pleasure and pain.

"Are you forgetting that I can easily put your ass back in its place?" Sicheng stared into your fiery eyes, anger written all over his face. It was stupid of him to even let you try and top him tonight, but he thought it would be something fun to try. But since you're you, you have to 'act' the part too. This made it way more fun.

"Id like to see you try." You stopped squeezing his cock, letting go of it as well and started taking the rest of your clothes off. Sichengs eyes wondered all around your body, taking in the curves and imperfection that made you look so beautiful and perfect in his eyes.

After removing your clothes, you took a seat back on his lap. Closer to his dick than before so he could feel your hot, dripping cunt.

"Hurry or ill fuck you myself." The man under you was holding himself back, all for your pleasure. You could call that sweet of him, but he did have a low patience level which you tested way too much.

"Maybe if you were a good boy."

Sicheng had to laugh, "Good boy? Why don't you be a good girl and ride me, that would be a start."

What was least expected from you, was a slap to sichengs face. He had to admit, it did startle him but it also unlocked a new level of anger that burned inside him.

"I told you to be patient." You smirked, "Impatient slut."

Sicheng had enough. In an instant, he grabbed a fistful of your hair and pushed you off him. Now, your face was shoved into the bed as your ass was in the air against his hips.

"Didn't I just say I could put you back in your place?" He landed a smack to your ass, causing you to whimper and arch your back, "Answer me before you can't sit for a month."

"Y-you did..." Your hand grabbed sichengs, trying to take them out of your hair. It was stupid, but you tried fighting back for your lost dominance. "Get off me!"

He spanked you again, "You're so fucking annoying, thinking you can tell me what to do. I never should have allowed you to dom me tonight."

It was quick the way sicheng didn't waste time sliding into your wet pussy. You knew he was desperate, but you didn't think he was this desperate to be inside you.

"You-youre still a-..fuck- a fu-fucking s-slut, sicheng." You pushed back, sichengs hand letting your hair fall around your face as he pushed on your lower back.

"Keep talking and I won't hesitate to edge you the rest of the night while I cum in your filthy cunt over and over again."

It was painful the way sicheng pounded into you. In fact, you were about to speak but his hips pistoned so hard that you couldn't dare open your mouth without a moan slipping out.

"Silent now?" He let out a breathy laugh, "Good, thats the way I like my little brat."

Everything felt so perfect, your eyes rolled into your head and you could see stars of pure bliss. Every vein and curve of his thick and long cock, you could feel too. You didn't want him to stop and you were so close yet so far with your orgasm.

"Si-sicheng..i-"

"No, don't even think about it."

But you couldn't not think about cumming. Especially when you felt him twitch inside you, knowing he was was on the edge.

That was when he released and painted your cunt white, but did he stop? Hell no. Sicheng continued pounding into you, tightening his grip on your hip and pushing harder on your back.

"Please i cant.." you cried into the sheets, your small fists balling up. This was so difficult, you couldn't hold it anymore.

The word 'please' spilled from your mouth over and over again like a chant, hoping your boyfriend could hear you begging.

"Fine. Cum."

Right after he spoke, your body shook violently as you came, crying loudly as the feeling washed over you. And almost instantly, after fucking you through your intense orgasm, sicheng slipped out of you letting his and your cum drip on the bed as he took you in his arms.

"Shh baby it's okay, I'm right here." He whispered in your ear, softly brushing against it with his lips. But you were too far gone, still not over the orgasm. "I'm gonna clean you up, okay?" You nodded slowly with tears still rolling down your cheeks, watching with big doe eyes as sicheng left to get a cloth so he could clean everything up.

You came back to your senses when sicheng came back. He was quick, cleaning everything like it was nothing and once he finished, he held you in his arms.

"You did so well, baby." He kissed you cheek, "Did I hurt you though? Did I go too rough?"

Shaking your head with a giggle you spoke, "No, it was fine, but...did I hit you too hard?"

He chuckled, "No, but you did shock me. It was pretty bold of you actually." His hand ruffled your already messy hair before saying, "Now get some sleep." His soft lips kissed yours delicately, "I know you're tired."

It was like he casted a spell, your eyes fluttered closed and soon you saw nothing but black.

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honestlyandrogynousnightmare · 3 years

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magic reveal

So ive been thinking about the magic reveal we did get and also the different magic reveals we COULD have gotten so i thought id project all my thoughts into another massive tumblr rant:

personally, i dont think the magic reveal was bad at all. yes, i wouldve done it slightly differently, i think it was done way too late in the show and left little time to explore how that reveal affected merlin and arthurs relationship, and obviously we never actually ended up seeing if magic was legalised and all. but i dont hate the magic reveal we got. the key part i really love is that it was done on Merlins own terms, he could have just lied, but instead he finally told Arthur the truth and i think that there were many reasons for that decision being made.

firstly, Merlin definitely felt guilty and blamed himself for Arthur being stabbed, he must have at least partly blamed himself because everything he did directly led to Mordred turning into a little shit. Part of him might have just felt as if he owes Arthur that explanation yknow. secondly, i feel like by that point he was tired of lying in general, he needed to get that secret off his chest. those two things combined with the fact that Arthur was dying may have pushed him to telling the truth, because deep down he did know that it was probably the last chance to tell Arthur the truth.

i liked how they presented Arthurs reaction too, the clear message there was that Athur was angry at the lying, thats the part he saw as betrayal, not the magic itself. he didnt want to believe that Merlin was a liar, when he always saw him as the one person that was entirely honest with him. hell, he still trusted him enough to send him back to Camelot and Gwen so he knew Merlin wasnt evil. If the writers actually did a good job at developing Arthurs character, i feel like itd be more obvious that Arthurs stance on magic was different from his fathers, but yknow bbc and their shoddy writing. I love that moment of acceptance as well, when he tells Merlin that he doesnt want him to change. He doesnt even now about all the things Merlin sacrificed and lost in order to protect Arthur and Camelot but he still accepts him. I think that when he first fund out it was all like “holy crap i dont even know him” but after spending a few hours with Merlin he realises that its still the exact same person he knew the week before.

anddddd as much as i like the way they did that magic reveal, the ending of the show left me with no closure and a lot of tears. my ideal magic reveal wouldve happened earlier, either at the start of season 5 or near the end of season 4. It would give us a chance to see them talk it out, and god we know that there would be arguing, and if arthur wasnt dying he would probbaly be shouting but the key part here is that arthur wouldnt hurt merlin. i think he culd consider sending him away if his father was still king just to protect him but we all know merlin would reply with “no <3″. but since i cant see the reveal happening when uther is king, i will be ignoring that scenario. and again, theres many ways this could play out.

the one way that ive always found interesting was arthur figuring it out on his own, because he may be an idiot, but hes not stupid. *if you like this sort of thing read “so close and im halfway to it on ao3, its a merthur fic and the magic reveal in that one makes me cry so much and the fic is so well written* I feel like at one point, he would just put the pieces together, and it would all make so much sense to him? Merlins random disappearances and scars would make sense, the luck he had when it came to fights, Merlins weird reactions when someone mentioned magic, how on earth merlin of all people managed to survive every battle and fight arthur was in when some of his best knights didnt.

then theres the very cliche “merlin using magic mid battle to save everyone” reveal. because its mid battle, i really cant picture them talking it out there lol, i picture a lot of ignoring but also if other people saw him using magic, we all know the first thing arthur would do is give the knights a good old “if you kill him i will kill you and then myself”, it wouldnt be until later that they would actually talk.

and then like the canon magic reveal, theres Merlin doing it on his own terms. i personally really like thhis one because it gives him so much more control over the situation and over his words. *another fic rec here if you like this sorta thing, its called “to the world that let you by” and its really beautiful and made me cry at 1am so there you go, and as you guessed it, its another merthur*. i love this reveal because it gives merlin a chance to explain, and arthur a chance to listen and try to understand.

now there are loads of different sub categories that could go into those, like Arthur finding merlin creating butterflies out of thin air lol, but i wont go into those. whatever reveal would happen, i feel like “the talk” after would usually end up in a similar way. Arthurs reaction would be similar to what we got in the canon reveal, because the actual magic isnt what would hurt most. it would be the lies. Arthur has been lied to and betrayed by so many people you cant really expect him not to react badly to being lied to. the magic sure would confuse him and put him in a difficult position, because you have to keep in mind that his entire life he has been told that magic is pure evil, and to him, merlin is the polar opposite of that. i think it would just make him question everything, like does he even know this man? has he won any of his battles or has it always been merlin? why is he in camelot? why would a sorcerer be serving him? but he wouldnt hurt him. he wouldnt even consider that imo, sure, he will demand an explanation, but he wouldnt actually thin about hurting him.

and merlin would understand why hes angry about the lying, that much is obvious. and he would be reluctant to tell arthur about the things that were happening behind his back all those years, but he would be honest. and go that conversation would be hard for both of them, i cant really imagine them having it without a lot of crying, shouting and even more wine tbh. arthur isnt good at listening which is why this would be so hard for him too, but merlin has to be honest, completely honest with arthur for the first time in his life and thatd be difficult.

and i think merlin would handle arthurs reactions well, even if arthur decided to lose his temper lol. but i can still imagine him being a bit bitter if arthur judged his choices and stuff when it came to poisoning morgana and freeing the dragon, asking what on earth HE would do in that situation. where the only choices he sees are bad ones, and he has to pick the one thats least evil.

arthur would probably be most pissed off at the thing about his mother tbh, because merlin outright lied there, usually its just deflecting but he made that deliberate choice to lie. but i really do think he would understand all of this, while not every choice merlin did was good, he did it with good intention.

and then arthur would remove the ban on magic and they would kiss and get married amd live happily ever aft-

thanks bbc.

anyway if you want any more magic reveal fics (or links to the ones i mentioned, ao3 can be bloody annoying sometimes) feel free to comment or message me or anything, i have a couple more in my bookmarks.

thanks for reading this rant, scuse the bad grammar, id love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this and magic reveals in general so feel free to comment! have a great day<3

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pridewhatpride · 3 years

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ok so I read your view on GX rivalshipping and how things would get messy when johan shows up because I was curious about another GX rivalshippers opinion, and holy you and I have the EXACT same thoughts.

Ive went on and on about how manjoume as a rival (and as someone who could have had the ability to support judai) was tossed aside as soon as johan shows up + turned into the comedic relief chara and nobody ever really knows what the hell im talking about LOL. a big thing for me is just how DIFFERENT that would be for manjoume as well? in the seasons before johan shows up judai is so clingy towards him, always busting into his room and being in his personal space...

then mr. buff arms big smile shows up with his frilly lilac blouse and homo dragon and suddenly judai is like. smitten. which like youve pointed- out who could blame judai? johan is hard to hate and hes kind of perfect in every way. I always imagine what that would do to manjoumes self esteem in particular, because as we all know it IS a bit fragile at times, especially when it comes to being the best he can be.

I think having johan around would make him feel absolutely insignificant not only as someone who LIKES judai, but even just as judais friend. is he really so horrible at being a support that judai needs a stranger to lean on? even though he never asked for judais help much, is he really such a burden when he needs to be saved? why is judai acting like hes never been able to connect with manjoume, who can also see duel spirits, before? whoever said opposites attract obviously havent seen judai and johan! thoughts like that.

I could go on and on but I dont want you to have to read my 2746373 word long ask about them. id love to hear any thought or analysis you have on GX rivalshipping because its my favourite and the shippers are so rare, so I encourage you to post them whenever you feel like it!

Dear anon.

You can't ever know just how happy receiving this in my inbox made me. I can't fully express how grateful I am at the simple fact that you read my long rambles and reached out to me. I respect your anonimity if you want to keep it, but honestly, DM me whenever, if you want to. I think I'd like to talk to you if you're comfortable with it? I really do want to read your "2746373 word" essay on them. For the rest of my life.

I might get a little personal in terms of my view on this, so just... be aware.

The thing is that the way Manjoume is cast aside is just... a big fear of mine. "Sure, we might be friends now, but I'm not all that good and you know it. You won't mean any harm by it, but you'll find someone you like better and I'll be alone again." That kind of line of thought is probably something that goes through Manjoume's mind? He doesn't really... have friends outside of Judai. Maybe Fubuki. And Daichi? Except he disappears into nothingness very quickly. But that's it. And he certainly had none before that: just lackeys who pretended to like him because he was rich and perceived as promising. He lost that and suddenly found himself isolated.

It's nice to think that he bonded with the other members of the gang, but... he didn't. Shou certainly never really stops disliking/making fun of him. You could say it's meant as like... friendly teasing. But it doesn't read that way because there is nothing to indicate actual affection. Kenzan, Aster and the transfer students just... barely interact with him? Like have they actually ever spoken to eachother? I doubt it. Ryo is just the admirable upperclassman. Again, barely any interaction. Asuka is... a mess I don't want to get into, but again, she would probably file a restraining order if she could.

So yeah. Manjoume has one friend and the taller and cooler guy just kind of takes that away. Of course Johan is not aware of this! He wouldn't have been able to do much to change it, either way. It was Judai's own choice and that's what hurts the most, to me.

If shifting the focus and making minor changes to canon is something you like to do, here's a thing I think about a lot. "Teardrop", the Season 3 opening, except it's what Manjoume feels when seeing Judai's suffering and desperation. You know.

As you hang your head and smile, a single tear lands on your cheeks

You pretend to be strong, but underneath You’re hiding sighs; your smile is cloudy It sticks into me Like shattered glass

It’s OK to talk about the pain in your heart

Your smile Has always saved me You can cry now I’ll stay here with you

I can't bring myself to blame Judai or Johan for it, but I think Manjoume- if he'd been written like an actual character past a certain point- would have been quite devastated by this.

As you said, it's not just being abandoned, it's also being indirectly told that he was never truly someone worthwhile, that he is little more than extra weight. What of his supposed status of equal rival and all that? Nothing. Judai is just... on a different level than him. So Manjoume is simply left to stagger behind in a desperate attempt to chase after greatness. He wasn't good enough for his brothers and Judai stood up for him. But in the end he wasn't good enough for Judai either.

I like to think that Manjoume made an effort to get along with the others. He just didn't quite know how and couldn't just... switch off his more prideful persona. And he ended up paying quite the steep price.

I know I'm extra melodramatic when it comes to my favourites, but it's something that bugs me. I understand why the manga decided to approach Manjoume's character in a completely different way and it's the reason why I like to read Manjoume's personality as a mix of manga and anime canon. I really have to mention this- how can one even pretend that the writers gave a shit about Manjoume when they joked about how stinky he was in a scene that could have been... emotional in some way. Judai frees Manjoume from the influence of the Society of Light by reminding him who he really is (I don't want to talk about Kenzan being too strong to be manipulated because that is fucking stupid and besically the equivalent of saying "ahah, the light got you because you're not strong willed enough @ Asuka @ Manjoume. Get rekt"). And like... great! They are actually showing off how much they care for eachother as friends despite the rivalry! But no. Judai ends up basically saying: "You smell and your coat has stains on it!" and Manjoume's just: "Oh yeah, I'm goth I hate wearing white, nvm."

... I swear someone on the writing team looked at Manjoume and went: "Let's bully him!" Ugh ;; Can you tell I'm hyper biased towards Manjoume yet?

This was hilarious to read, by the way: "mr. buff arms big smile shows up with his frilly lilac blouse and homo dragon"

But yes, this mess is now officially over. I will be spouting gx rivalshipping nonsense left and right because we were robbed of their dynamic and I'll never get over that. Also I really want to draw them, so that helps.

Ending this post by saying that this ask made me feel like I didn't waste time writing all that, that someone can get something out of it. I'm really glad.

#ygo #yugioh #ygo gx #yugioh gx #manjoume jun #jun manjoume #chazz princeton #judai yuki #yuki judai #jaden yuki #gx rivalshipping #marry me platonically anon #i will kill for your happiness

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