#I don't even think I'm excited about the weekend anymore because it means I'll have to eat again

[murobrown]

.

#it's that time of the month when I just want to sell my uterus on black market with human organs #the week leading up to my period is far more worse than the actual period #it made me gain 2 kg and I can't stop freaking out about it...i know i lose them every month but my brain won't leave me alone #it's making me want to starve myself or just work out until i collapse #tmi sorry...how is your Friday evening? #I'm bored and I'm deciding between going to bed before 11 pm or let my brain torture me a little bit more #I don't even think I'm excited about the weekend anymore because it means I'll have to eat again #you just eat and work out and eat and work out and try not think about the calories because we're not doing thay anymore #but deep down my brain still knows the numbers and won't let me go over 900 calories #i perfected my body but destroyed my head even more #i shouldn't say thay but maybe it's worth it #feeling happy in my own skin is the best feeling in the world #and I know I'm shallow because of that but for the first time in my life i like my body #i actually like all parts of my body #and knowing that i did it with all that hard work feels even better #but on the other hand now I'm just too scared I'm going to lose it all if I eat a cookie after lunch #i think I'm too deep into this #is it bad that I like the feeling of bones under my skin? #am I becoming delusional? #that's what a menstrual cycle does to a emotionally unstable woman #it makes me feel angry that out of four weeks in a month i get like max two weeks when I feel good and normal #all of that for nothing #anyway maybe it's time to stop myself..

[fictional-magic]

by the glue,

coquette!singer!reader x actor!sirius black

summary: after a long parting, he's finally stuck to you after a year.

you stand on the stage, adrenaline rushing, but not too much because it's habitual to you now. you're still happy about how many people stand and singalong to your feelings poured out as songs. you decided to wear a long white skirt with mid-ruffles, and a bubblegum pink top which had the name of your latest album (the one you will be singing in a few minutes) with bold dark pink letters. you have satin pink ribbons braided in your hair, tied like small bows near the ends of your hair.

your mic goes on and you start talking first, the princess-y smile comes naturally with your playful conversations with the fans. the first track is a sweet one, with light flirting and about being attached to someone like glue in love. you sit on the edge of the stage for this one, dangling your legs and occasionally pointing your mic at the fans who probably know the lyrics better than you.

don't forget to kiss me, or else you'll have to miss me i guess i'm stuck forever by the glue, aren't you?'

words flow out like sweetness from you, pouring until you're painted in smiles and rainbows. as you sing, you remember him. the one you wrote this song about. you both were practically inseparable in uni, and the high school sweethearts too. it feels wrong to reminisce like you're 50 when it's really only been two years since college, but it feels like a really long time since then. it's not a good feeling to have to be mature and all grown up suddenly. and he helped you through that transition.

you remember and miss a very very handsome, beautiful, cute, and every-word-under-that-umbrella man. you haven't met him since a year, and it's neither of your fault. he's busy, and you're busy. you text almost 3 times a week, and call each other on the weekends, but seeing his face and being able to touch and feel him was a long-lost dream of yours.

if he were here, maybe your smile would be more realistic and happier, maybe your days would be brighter, and nights more sleep-providing. but he's not, so you toss and turn in your bed, and panic the next morning about what to wear.

he's almost never done with his shootings, and your recording sessions seem endless to the both of you. when he's doing interviews, you're at home. when you're doing concerts, he's at home. it's exhausting and almost impossible to find timings where the both of you are unoccupied.

no, silly, focus on singing!

you come back to the matearilistic worls and start genuinely thinking about the soft notes you hit while you're humming. your earpiece tickles your ear a bit just then, while you're walking on the stage like frolicking through a huge field with daisies and peonies around. your manager's voice pops in through the small device, "black's here. he's standing backstage!" and even your manager sounds excited to know you won't be so sad anymore. the song ends with a last hum, and with an apologetic voice, you murmur into the mic,

"i'm so sorry everyone, i have to leave for just a moment, i'll be back in a few minutes, i promise!" and you do manage to hear a few groans and chants of your name while you run backstage after keeping the mic on a random stand.

you shout, "sirius? are you here?" you're still quite unsure if you're manager's saying the truth. she has been known to play a few mean pranks every now and then. "sirius?" you say again, hope laced around your voice.

"hi!" he whispers as he warps his arms around you from behind in the dark, dimly lit backstage. you can still figure out from his clothes' feel, that he's wearing something leather.

"sirius!" your voice hold a giddyness, and you smile bright enough to light up the entire place for sirius. you hug him tightly as tears run down your face, happy or sad you aren't sure.

"missed you so much siri, you have no idea."

"hey, you should really go back onstage." he says, with a light kiss on your forehead.

"we'll catch up after a while yeah? fuck, wanted to see you so bad, doll." he kisses you on the lips now, and you wrap your hands around his neck instinctively as he reaches for your waist. it feels oh so wonderful to explore the lips and mouth of the man you've been thinking about for a whole year. and, just like that, you're stuck together lke glue again, rest of the world be damned.

#sirius black x you #sirius black x reader #sirius black fluff #sirius black #sirius orion black #sirius x reader #sirius black angst #sirius black x y/n #the marauders #mauraders #maurauders era #the marauders era #sirius black x fem!reader #sirius black smut #sirius black imagine

[haileyp4l]

Summary: Drew was on Vacation with his family. But now he is home earlier than expected.

Warnings: None just Fluff

A/n: That's my first post but I hope you like it. Please don't mind the mistakes, english isn't my mother-language

It is weekend. You are alone in your apartment. You listen to Lana Del Rey ~ Yes to heaven. You dance infront of your large window. While you dance you enjoy the beautiful view. It's dark outside. It's been about half an hour since the sun went down behind the houses. You kind of miss Drew (like always when he's not around). The last time you spoke on the phone was two days ago. He is in Rome with his family at the moment. You couldn't come with him because of your job. At first you were sad that you couldn't come but now you're just looking forward to see him again. He should come in one week. And you are very excited. You've planned to go on a date with him as soon as he's back. You have planned a nice picnic with a spot where you can see the stars perfectly. Usually he's always planning dates (which are always great of course) but now you wanted to surprise him! So you're dancing infront of the window... you feeling hungry but you want to listen to the song first. "Say yes to heaven... say yes to me" you sing along loudly. You spin and just enjoy the moment. "Beautiful like always" you hear a voice behind you...but before you can scream you recognize the voice. "Drew" you yell happily as you turn around and run into his arms. "Hey darling" he says and laughs. He's holding you tight and you're just so happy to be in his arms again. Then you let go of him and look into his eyes. You are confused. "Why are you back again you shouldn't be back until next week"?! you ask. "Tbh...I couldn't take it anymore without you, not even another week! You smile. "Whatever I'm so happy to have you back" he said. "And guess what" he continues talking while raising his hand, holding a bag that's little too familiar to you. "Really???" you ask excited "you drove halfway across town for my favorite meal?" you continue. "I would Do anything for you" he answer. you ask: "Anything?".... "Anything!" he answer. You start blushing. He smiles and gives you a gentle kiss. _You hear the phone ringing_ "You answer the phone and I'll get the table ready for dinner" Drew says. "Ok, Love" you answer. You go to the phone and answer the call. "Hello?" you ask. "Oh hello dear this is Drew's mom". "Ah hello Jodi, what's up? Is everything Okay?" you ask. "Yes everythings good I just wanted to ask if Drew got home safely" "Yeah he is here and everything is fine" you answer. "Is he better now?" Jodi ask. "What do you mean was anything going on while on vacation?". "Didn't he tell you why he came home?"she sounds like she's surprised. "Uhm...he just said that he came because he couldn't stand being without me any longer. But it sounded like he was joking" you answer confused. "Oh he was a pretty much understated!" she said. "What do you mean?" now you're really curious. "Well, he was so quiet and absent the whole time from the beginning of the holiday. He didn't really leave the room and when he did he hardly said a word! One day his brother Logan asked him what he was thinking about all the time. He only replied that he has to think about you all the time and what you are probably doing now so alone. He also replied that he wished you were with him. We just noticed that he is not happy. But we knew exactly how he would be happy again. So we told him yesterday that we booked him a flight back home to you. When we told him that, it was the first time we'd seen him laugh so genuinely since the holiday started". "Woah" is the only thing you answer because you are speechless. "Well I have to hang up now but believe me Drew has never loved anyone like you".

_she hangs up_ You are shocked. But somehow you're happy too. You rush into the kitchen, where Drew is just putting the food on the plates. You go to him and hug him from behind. You hold him tight and don't let him go. "What is the hug for? I don't want to take notice, but..." he asks laughing. "Oh... I just realized how much I missed you!" you answer. "Ah that's a good reason" he said while smiling. "And..." You continue. "Yes?" he asks. "I love you so much Drew Starkey. I love you so so so much!" You see him blush."I love you even more, Y/N Starkey."You have to smile because he called you Starkey. You're not married yet but you already love it! " yk what?" you ask "Next time I'll come with you on vacation" you continue. "Really?" he starts smiling "Yep, everything for you Love" you say. Suddenly he goes to his cell phone and turns on "Yes to heaven." He takes your hand and pulls you close. He puts his hand on your hip and starts dancing to the song with you. " Y/N?" he asks quietly "Yes babe?" you ask. "You are the Love of my Life" you don't know what to say and just lean on him. "I can only tell you the same thing, my Love". You can feel him smile. There you are, dancing together again in your apartment. You could dance forever with Drew, the man of your dreams!

#obx fanfic #obx s3 #rafe x reader #obx imagine #outer banks #drew starkey #drew starkey x reader #drew starkey fic #drew starkey fanfiction #drew starkey fluff #Rafe cameron #outerbanks imagine #outerbanks rafe #outerbanks x reader #outerbanks fic #obx cast #obx netflix #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron fluff #rafe obx #drew starkey x y/n #first post #long time no see #yes to heaven #You x Drew

[nian-7]

HI NIANNNNN I got your matchup and I am very excited to write it!!!!! I am here to submit mine as well <:3 no rush at all ok !!! Take your time or else (said lovingly)

Cancer sun / ISFP !!! Generally I'm an outgoing and talkative person and I've got lots of energy, I'm not shy at all and I enjoy talking to people !! I'm super emotional and sensitive and I either tear up or full on cry over something silly once a day SDFGSDFGFSD….. I have a really hard time opening up to people though </3 you will not perceive me

I'm a huge worrier T_T I try to make sure everyone around me has eaten and is taking care of themselves properly and I suppose I do have strong motherly instincts. I just like taking care of people!!! Especially buying gifts or getting them treats <:)

I have 2 college degrees and I work in the medical field so I like to think I am smart….. I'm kinda airheaded though I'll be real and things tend to fly over my head. I run into walls in my own house :( I'm like if a smart person was also very dumb. You see my vision…… I'm also easily embarrassed and own mom told me I'm easy to bully and pick on . Mean to me

In terms of hobbies ofc I enjoy writing but I like to cook and bake also. I've been really into nail art recently and buying candles because I'm 21 going on 60 I guess @#$#@%@$%@@$# ANYWAYS to be honest I mostly just work all day, go home, and do nothing productive the rest of the day DFGFDGFS I just chill……

If I could pick some traits in a partner….. someone who can handle my emotions LOL I like reassurance . . . I'm also very affectionate so it would be nice to receive some back !! I'm not super picky though like number one rule to dating me: please like me. This is all. Smiles

SORRY THIS WENT ON FOREVER I appreciate you so much!!!!!!!! Like I said take your time ok!!! Spins you around HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND NIAN

HI!! i literally had a list of options and then i said ykw no and then this is what happened. I HOPE YOU ENJOY!! i gave you the runners up as well under the matchup too!!

I match you with...

Hokusai Masaki!

-Hokusai just seems like he'd mesh really well with you. He's not the emotional or energetic type but! He likes those types of people seeing as how much he cares about Satsuki and Reo!

-The fact that he wouldn't judge you for being emotional over silly things is just something perfect honestly. He's always there for you to say the least! No matter what it is!

-He's a very patient person so if you don't open up to him right away in your relationship, he truly doesn't mind. He wants you to take your time and be comfortable with him rather than rushing you into telling him things.

-He cherishes any gifts or treats you may give him and feels very comforted by your motherly personality. Even though you may worry about him and his safety a lot, it makes him feel loved.

-Hokusai is a gentle giant of course. He doesn't blame you for your airheadedness or your clumsiness at all and just finds himself smiling whenever you are a bit airheaded...

-Being easy to pick on or bully is not a problem anymore when you're around him though! As someone who doesn't take lightly to bullying, I don't think you'll have to worry much about it.

-Ohh.. I can so see Hokusai letting you do his nails though. That'd be so cute honestly!!

-In terms of what you were looking for in a partner, Hokusai checks the boxes honestly. He can handle your emotions and reassure you without seeming annoyed because just the tone of his voice is so genuine...

-He doesn't mind physical affection either though! It might be very small little things like a hug or a kiss to your temple because he's not a physically affectionate person but he still tries to be to make you happy!

Runner Up No. 1...

Zen Gaho!

-So he's the first runner up cause I actually was going to match you with Zen and then I thought about it and went with Hokusai instead. He'd be a great partner for you too but!! I just felt like Hokusai and you would be a better match than you and Zen if you get me.

Runner Up No. 2...

Yuto Inukai!

-Main reason he didn't last till the 'finals' so to speak was cause of his age.. and Hancho. I didn't know if he was like too old BUT I KNOW YOU LIKE HIM SO I FEEL BAD...

-And then Hancho... it's Hancho I don't think I have to explain that as much because you probably see my vision here...

Runner Up No. 3...

Anne Faulkner!

-Okay so the main reason I decided to scrap Anne was because although I feel like you both would get along really well, I felt like it'd be more of a friend-like relationship rather than romantic if that makes sense???

-They were a good option and all but I just was like hmmm.. Hokusai fits better as a romantic match because Anne is more of a friend-like relationship.

a/n: don't rush my matchup, robyn!! take as long as you need i know i did yours really fast.. BUT TAKE YOUR TIME DW!!

#nian-mutuals #x reader #gender neutral reader #paradox live x reader #paradox live #hokusai masaki x reader #hokusai x reader #hokusai masaki

[richmondsims]

Melissa had just put the kids to bed when Cory and Rose came back. She changed into long trousers and a few layers of tops, and went for a walk as darkness fell.

She liked the beach at this time of day - it was somehow both peaceful, and mysterious, all at the same time.

It was also warm, far more warm than it was supposed to be after dark. Most of the layers were gone before she even got as far as the beach.

When she got back to the campsite, Cory was sitting by the firepit. 

"Rose is having a shower," he said, gesturing to the washrooms behind him. "There's no lock on the outside door, and its safer after dark if I sit out here."  

Melissa dropped into a chair. "I'm so tired," she said. "The kids are fun but they're a lot."

Cory laughed. "They are a lot," he said. "Thanks for spending the day with them. It was good to just have some time out with Rose. We don't do that often enough."

"You know, if I stayed at your place instead of living in the dorm, I could watch the kids all the time. You and Rose could go out every evening if you wanted..."

"Ok, enough." he said. "That's about the 10th time you've come up with an excuse to not move to the dorm, and - "

"It's not an excuse, it's a reason."

"Maybe, but it's not a good reason. None of them are. You want to tell me what's really going on?"

Silence.

"Melissa, come on. We need to talk about this. I'm not letting it go this time."

"Ok, ok then... I don't want to leave, ok?" 

"I kind of got that," he said. "But why? You were so excited about getting out on your own, living in the city, living in the dorm with your friends... Now you're not. What happened?"

 "I - I still want to do that, just not yet. It's too soon, I'm not ready. I mean, I get that you want me out of your house now I'm old enough, but I kind of - I just got used to living with you guys, and now I have to go."

"It's your house too," Cory said, " and I don't want you out of it. You know that the whole time you were growing up I wanted to be a part of your life. You're here now and I'd love it if that didn't have to change"

"Well they why - "

"Because it does have to change. You're not a child anymore and I don't think staying like a child in our home is the best thing for you. There's a kind of growing up that you can only do when you're out on your own and whether you believe it or not, you are ready. There's a whole world out there for you to discover. It wouldn't be right for me to hold you back." 

"It won't hold me back," she said. "I'm still going to college. Heaps of people commute to the city from Richmond. I've got my whole life to do other stuff, but I'll never be able to live with you guys again."

"Commuting isn't the same as living on campus. You need to at least try the dorm. Look, if you give it a reasonable length of time and really hate it, then of course you can move back in, but - "

"But... I won't have a bedroom any more."

"Why do you say that?"

"When Sam went to college you gave her bedroom to Noah. Then he had to move in with Corinne when Emily needed a nursery. Corinne and Noah are getting too old to share a room now, so you need my bedroom back."

"We gave Sam's room to Noah because she told us to. She thought at the time that she'd stay next door with Matthew when she came home. Your bedroom is yours for as long as you want it. It's got nothing to do with how old you are or whether you have another place to live."

"But the kids - "

"We've already worked it out. Emily is almost old enough to share a room with Corrine now, and Noah can have Sam's old room again. It's your bedroom, its your home."

"But - "

"Look, if you really want to stay living with us, then of course you can, but I want you to think really hard about it.... you can come home between semesters, and I hope you do. Hell, you can come home every weekend if you want...  although I hope you won't do that every weekend, because there's usually a lot going on in the city and - " He stopped and laughed.

"What?"

"Just... when I think about how much you used to want to go into the city at night... climbing out the window, getting yourself and Sam into trouble with fake IDs... "

"I don't think I really knew what I wanted then."

They sat in silence until Rose called out softly to Cory, as she made her way back to their tent. 

He got up to leave. "Do you really know what you want now?" he asked.

He had already gone when she answered.

She stayed by the firepit for a long time, watching the flames die down.

From "Melissa"

#richmondsims #the sims 3 #sims 3 story #ts3

[decolonize-the-left]

People are hating on me for my tumblr-greed posts like I'm the actual grinch who's just here to steal your Great Mental Health or something so lemme clarify some things. Firstly, I wanna be very clear that good mental health is a human need.

I don't mean that in a "you need to be happy 24/7" kinda way either. I mean that in a "taking care of yourself is a need". Like yes you need to feed yourself to stay alive, but sometimes you'll also need to smell the roses or watch a movie with friends to stay alive.

Being generally content does wonders for your will stay alive and as such taking steps to keep yourself in good spirits is a Need. Buying things you like, having hobbies, going out, having friends, etc.

A lot of you who take my posts personally fall into the category of people who are generally content.

As in you are people that are defending their check marks like your lives depend on it but... It doesn't. You're not going to fall into a depression cuz you can't have a blue checkmark by your name. In 2 weeks none of you will even care about this anymore. And you aren't developing PTSD from people being judgy about it Tumblr dot com either.

Because you're content. Your needs are met. You're safe, sheltered, belly full, got some extra cash in your account, a secure income, and contently scrolling on Tumblr, maybe you even have plans this weekend that you're excited about.

So why are you acting like someone asking you for $8 would put your entire being at risk?

A lot of you seem to think "I must take care of my mental health" means "if you make me feel anything but good then you must be bad for my mental health" and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

No.

Sometimes you will feel bad. And that's okay. What matters is that you have enough good experiences, have enough of your needs met, and have a support circle that can help you cope and bounce back.

And a lot of you will be able to bounce back

Like I'm not hating on people for having fun or making themselves happy. I very much believe people deserve to be happy.

I am hating on y'all who have both money and decent lives that expect people at risk of homelessness to respect your mental health (again, a thing that's not even actually at risk) and not ask you for money at the cost of their lives meanwhile you're literally writing essays about how you shouldn't have to give them the change in your pocket because you'll have FOMO.

We owe it to each other take care of each other. You take care of me then I'll take care of you. And if you're not gonna give a shit about me then why should I give one about you? See how that line of thinking leads us nowhere and just ensures everyone is more miserable?

Yeah.

We all live in a society and none of us are here by choice, the least we can do is help one another when we can.

Some of y'all don't want to do that and that's fine, but you don't want to feel guilty for it either. I'm here to tell you that you cant have your cake and eat it too. Cake is meant to be divided & shared.

[lenteur]

HIIIII OMG OMG OMG YOUR REBLOG WAS THE CUTEST THING EVER ❤️ i saw it this morning when i woke up to feed the cats and it made me smile SO WIDE <3 CAT PHOTO IS AT THE BOTTOM 🖤

please whenever you feel the need, just sleep <3 even if it's the middle of the day. try not to stay awake just to sleep at night 💔 i really hope you feel better ❤️

i honestly think idols can pull off the colour pink so well, wish i could dye mine pink but i only suit darker colours of....colours 😂

ikr <3 though i started watching 911 again and i was up til 4am watching it 👀 i know one of the main actresses of glee was revealed to be a bully behind scenes which idk didn't surprise me tbh. i used to love her as an actress but her interviews felt so off to me </3 i really hate bullies 😡😡😡

IM SO SO HAPPY YOU LOVED IT <3 i was actually really struggling with your gift because i was seeing other peoples and i felt like mine wasn't great but then i remembered you saying how the gift was us getting to know each other and that you'd be happy with anything 🖤 i'm really happy you like it <3

BESTIES 4 LYF ❤️ also!!!! tea and biscuits. my favourite snack <3 i'm gonna hopefully start watching a kdrama on friday, bc from then to tuesday, i'm off work so i'll have some time to relax 🥰

i was waiting for you to reply before i posted the gift, i didn't want to post it and then i had to let you reply to an anon. 🖤 you've been so so so kind to me and i just love you already ❤️ i'm so EXCITED to talk more!! 💎

Toffee on the left! Luna on the right ❤️

hey hey hey 💖 of course! it was a great surprise to finally know who you are 💗 now that i've looked at your blog, i can see all the little clues you left during our conversations. especially the wednesday and criminal minds stuff haha

tysm for thinking of me 💕 i am trying my best at taking care of myself but thankfully my mom is with me and she's such a huge help 💝

ah staying up until 4am to watch something reminds me of my teenage years 👀 even if i wanted to i wouldn't be able to do so now </3 which is a good thing hehe oh really? 😡 i mean i'm not surprised either but i'm getting tired of all these celebrities thinking they're better than others. it happens everywhere but, when in a group (ie a show, a group of singers, etc.), there always seems to be one who wants the spotlight to themselves. it's getting repetitive 💔 i already have a hard time getting into a show, but seeing stuff like that, it's no wonder i don't want to watch new shows anymore. i don't have time for drama. i just want to enjoy what i watch in peace, but this makes it hard sigh

i know i wrote a novel in the tags but it's really really pretty 💟 the fact that you took time out of your day to make something for me means a lot. you'll never have to worry about something like that with me 💖 and let me reiterate: our friendship is the true gift 💘

oh if you start the kdrama (or is it a jdrama? cdrama? tdrama?) please let me know which one it is 💓 i'm hoping i can start watching summer strike either tomorrow or this weekend because the premise (and all the gifs i've seen) is really interesting and i think i'll like it 💞

i had a feeling you were waiting for me to answer. i also wanted to answer the last anon message before you revealed yourself or else it would've stayed in my inbox forever hehe💕

OK. okok! i was waiting to answer the rest of your ask before talking more in depth about my new cats toffee and luna (yes, by revealing your cats to me, you are now contractually obligated to share custody of your pets i'm not kidding! jk) UM EXCUSE ME? YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME YOU HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CATS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! like they're so pretty they could be on the cover of vogue, elle, harper's bazaar, any other magazines (my fashion knowledge is limited lmao) 😻 if your friendship wasn't enough (which it is), seeing toffee and luna made this event 124877523368751222222565457426545214852485x better (won't bother deciphering this number but just know it's a lot!) wowowowooooooooooooooooooooooooooowowowowowowowowow! user lenteur is currently disfunctioning </3 cause? (Y)OUR CATS 😻😻😻

#lettre #lovely mutuals #if you want your own emoji please lmk or i can choose one for you? #anyway i'm so thankful for this event because i got to know you (and your cats hehe)

[dybalassunshine]

Written All Over Your Face - Leandro Paredes

Leandro's POV

Something is wrong. I've had this feeling since the morning when I woke up alone in bed. At first, I thought she had gone to the washroom but after 20 minutes passed, I couldn't help but get up and knock at the washroom's door to check if she was alright. No response. I knocked again and again but no one replied. Panicked, I pushed the door hard and it was open. I'm an idiot...

Thank God she's not in there though. I put my shirt on and went downstairs to see if she was there. The kitchen was empty and so was the living room. Then I heard it, a slow hum from the porch. And indeed she was there, sitting on a chair, reading a book and whispering the melody to some song. I tiptoed to her and hugged her from behind.

"You're up early. Any special reason?"

Instead of responding to me, she shrugged my arms off. Yikes.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to read this book in peace."

"No problem. I'll make coffee for us."

"I'm not in the mood right now."

Something is definitely wrong. She loves coffee! Her day doesn't start without having a cup of coffee. I took a long glance at her face and sure enough, she wasn't her usual cheery self. Her face was cold as if there was a snowstorm on the other side of it. She must've sensed I was still there because the look she gave me could wither a forest down. I hurried back to the kitchen to make myself some coffee.

Breakfast felt tasteless. Everything becomes much less enjoyable when she's not there with me. I quickly ate the rest of the waffles and washed the dishes. There's no need to anger her anymore. She's definitely mad about something. But what? I tried to think of anything wrong I had done but nothing came to mind. Maybe she's having issues with her novel? But she shares everything about that with me. She wouldn't cold-shoulder me because of it. Then what is it? Time to find out.

An hour had passed since the coffee thing. I was in my room, changing my clothes. After changing, I went to see if she was still sitting there on the porch but she wasn't there anymore. I heard noises from the kitchen and there she was, making coffee for herself. Oh, she's definitely mad at something I did or said.

"Hey babe, what are you doing?"

"Making coffee."

"Yeah. So, I was thinking since I have a few days off, we should go on a vacation or something."

"I'm busy these days."

"Oh, with the novel? You can write there as well."

"Thanks but I'd rather stay here and complete it."

With that, she left me standing in the doorway and went back to the porch.

sigh

And that was the last thing she said to me. She has been ignoring me ever since. I tried to ask her if she was mad at me but she didn't reply at all. I was losing patience. All I wanted was to talk to her and resolve any issues but she wouldn't even look at me. It was almost 10 PM now and we were sitting at the dinner table, quietly eating.

"Are you mad at me?"

She looked at me, shrugged, and went back to eating.

"Look, I'm trying to understand why you're angry at me. If it's something I've said or done, just tell me. This silent treatment isn't going to resolve anything."

For a moment, there was silence. And then she finally spoke.

"Lea, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. But the truth is I'm upset with you. Last week, I told you my brothers want to come to see me this Sunday and you invited your friends on the same day. My brothers didn't want to impose so they canceled their visit. I miss my family so much. I travel everywhere with you, and I love it, but I do want to see my family sometimes. I had a good chance for a family get-together this weekend but no, you had to invite your friends the same day!"

I took a deep breath. So, that's what this is all about.

"I'm so sorry Sweetheart. I was too excited to see Rodri and Leo again. We hadn't seen each other in months and luckily they were both here in Argentina so I called them over. I didn't realize your brothers were coming the same day. It's completely my fault. I'm so so sorry."

She sighed and got up from the table, with her plate in her hand.

"Look, I understand you didn't do that on purpose but I'm really upset right now and my novel isn't helping either. So, I'll appreciate it if you give me some alone time."

"Of course. Take all the time you need. I'll sleep in the spare room tonight. Just know that I'm sorry. And whenever you're ready, we'll talk."

She walked over and kissed me on the cheek.

"Thank you, and goodnight."

I hope her anger will subside by tomorrow morning.

It's safe to say I couldn't sleep at all. Not because I'm a man-child who needs his girlfriend to fall asleep but because there was a huge spider on the wall opposite to the bed. It didn't move but my paranoid ass couldn't sleep knowing it was there. I was so terrified, I didn't even leave my bed in the morning. I just sat there, praying it would go away. And it did, scared by the door that opened suddenly. I held my scream at its sudden movement but sighed with relief when it went out the door.

I looked over to see her at the door, confused and holding a tray.

She glanced over her shoulder to see the spider crawling out and then looked back at me, terrified in the bed. Realizing what had happened, she laughed loudly.

"Oh Lea, you big baby! Don't tell me you didn't sleep because of that poor spider!"

"Easy for you to say! That thing was huge!"

She laughed all the way to the bed and slowly put the tray on the side table. There was breakfast and two cups of coffee, which made me smile.

"Good morning. I made breakfast."

Her smile was warm as the sun and I made a mental note to never upset her ever again.

#i dont know why i wrote this #i'm obsessed with this song though #leandro paredes #i'm bad at fanfics i know i know #Spotify

[kinetic-elaboration]

May 25: Poly Fic + General Writing Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about the Poly Fic recently, a story I've been planning off and on since, like, June 2021 (and rolling over in my head in an even vaguer way since before then), and have increasingly thought I might actually want to write.

It's... intimidating in a lot of ways. It would be very personal. It's a Message Story in a sense--the Message is 'I'm working out some thoughts'--which makes me worry it'll be stilted or preachy. It has some potentially glaring pacing issues and, though I've been imagining various scenes, I haven't really settled on a style, especially for the first parts: is it more montage with bits of scenes described in more detail or rather something along the lines of various short scenes describing discrete moments in time? It might (definitely) be too early to worry about that but it does tickle at me. If I can't turn it into words-on-page, it's not a story. It's just a daydream.

On the other hand, I also think it could be fun. It excites me.

I hate that all the ideas that excite me most are the longest and most complex. Maybe it's because they're the most hypothetical. I'm always jumping at the chance to do anything I can't do right this minute and as soon as I can do it, I'll start making up every excuse not to. I mean there's really no reason I can't go back to writing during the work week. I'm no longer taking constant naps like I was even a few months ago. I know I'll never get to any of these great ideas if I continue to treat writing as a Big Special Thing instead of just something fun I do when I have time but it's hard to... actually put that knowledge into practice. I don't know how to write most things without build up anymore, or how to just be purely and happily excited to tell the story instead of, I don't know, weighted down by expectations and the conviction that whatever the project of the day is, is Just Too Complex.

But, this is a common complaint I make of myself. I'm very aware of it. Nothing new here. I need to go to sleep and get through one more work day and then figure out where this weekend I can fit some writing work, and on what.

#the year 2023 #2023: writing thoughts

[milkybonya]

Hi Milky!! I hope you had a nice day today 🥰 I'm graduating in just a few hours! I can't believe it 😭😭 me?? A college graduate?? Sounds fake 😭 but it sounds extra fake because I'm taking an extra year to pursue a certificate so I'll be at the same school taking undergraduate classes with kids 2-3 years younger than me 😭 But idk I'm really excited because my mom is coming to see me today for graduation 🥰 I missed her a lot! I've been making origami for her as stress relief and I'm going to be giving it to her today! I'm not the artistic child in the family so I'm sure it'll mean a lot that I tried for her.

Things have been going really well recently by the way! Finishing up classes and resting for the last few days has been nice. I still have to do work for my internship/second job idk what to call it lol but it's been low maintenance and I can do the work when I want (it's remote!). I'm sure things will pick up on Monday when I start classes but I've been practicing a lot of self care that I hope will carry forward into the summer! Even though I've had a lot going on, my mood has been fantastic. Writing to Kingdom I think has helped a lot. They are all so nice 🥺 Seeing them cheer my posts on Weverse occasionally really goes a long way. Even tho not much has changed since March when I was really going through it, I'm doing much better so idk we love that 🥰

I hope things are going well for you in Korea! Astro on the 28th ahhh have fun!! I don't follow Astro but they seem like very sweet and talented boys so I'm sure it'll be a great experience 🥰🤩 and studying at the YG Cafe?? Hello that sounds so cool! I can't believe you saw a flash of Yoshi 🥺 I can't imagine just hanging out where idols might be coming and going! If you're willing to share, I'd love to hear your favorite part about being in Korea! I'm sure it's hard to choose just one, but if you wanna tell me about a couple, I'd love to hear 🥰

And I just saw your post about writing a blurb for moots' birthdays. You're so sweet 😭🥺 My ult is Baekhyun but idk I feel like I'd rather read for Arthur 🥺 He's climbing up my ult chart very quickly. My birthday is March 21 :) so it's just a little far away lol I haven't been on Tumblr a lot recently (but I have your post notifs on so I always come check when I see you're posting) but I need to continue reading your Treasure drabbles. The ones I read were so cute 🥺🥺 You have such a sweet writing style. It always makes me so happy.

And I'm glad you laughed at my delulu edit LOL everytime I would look at it I started dying laughing. Like I'm so embarrassed I actually made that but I actually did such a good job?? Considering I have like no experience with photo ending I'm happy lol I actually sent it to Arthur on the fancafe a couple days ago 😭 They aren't active on there anymore but they still check the posts so he didn't comment on it but I can only imagine he is laughing at me. As he should tho, it was so silly lol

I hope you have a nice weekend! 💙

omg graduating in a few hours?! you must be graduated by now then, congratulations my love!!! ♡ i'm so proud of you, you did so well... ♡ and hey, even if you're going back to school after and with kids younger than you, that's okay! age is not important, but doing things you love is !

i hope you had a lovely time and with your mom too 💟 i hope she loved the origami!! i didn't know you can do origami :O that's so cool! what kinds of things do you make ?!

i'm so happy you've been getting rest ^^ i hope you're able to keep up the self care ! and that your internship and new classes go well :O you're doing so much omg i'm insanely proud! and so glad to hear things are well :") to be doing better despite things remaining the same is honestly so powerful ❣️

yes omg astro this weekend.. they dropped their new album too and i love it a lot >_< especially my bias, Jinjin, his solo !

i actually... fully saw ikon coming out of their cars and going into the building it was so insane ! seriously being there near where treasure and other yg artists are gives me so much energy T-T

omg my favourite part of korea?? it definitely is hard to choose but i think it's in the small things?? like how good the public transit is, how well-mannered and polite everyone is, the fact that cute cafés are everywhere, the food!! i don't really enjoy cooking so being able to eat out healthily for cheap is such a blessing T-T and omg the convenience stores !!! i love that there's a river near my house, too.. i go for runs there a lot ! oops i listed so many things T-T

i'll be adding your birthday--!!

i can't believe you have my post notifs on aHH you're so sweet i'll cry,,, 😭

seriously your edit made me die for a good 5 minutes hehe so i can only imagine Arthur must've died too!! i'm so glad you sent it to him but it's a shame they aren't so active :( it would be funny to see what he says !

i hope you have a lovely week up ahead 💟

#yutopiada talks #baekhyuns lipchain ;3; #beloved kelsey ♡ #milky's moots

[star-mum]

Kinda Crazy to be not in the wrong ig (friends can be fun to hang with AND be terrible to you)

Actually shared with my sister what happened and when she said "I have a controversial opinion" I thought she'd say I was overreacting and not that I "should've stopped talking to that girl ages ago" huh maybe it's not a silly reason to be upset after all

like hey remember that time she invited me over to her house and not 2 hours later asked me to leave cause she had to go out with other friends

or when she said she "had" to go somewhere when we set up to call/watch smth together and then let slip in class to our other friend that she went to play volleyball with those same friends from the other time

or when I shared with her I had tried an at home workout and the warm up was very difficult and she shared that to our (male) friend in a jabbing tone (making even him a bit uncomfortable, to the point where he tried to softly defend me)

OR !!! when she insisted I went to a coffee shop with her and her boyfriend and went quiet and got an attitude in the middle of the outing (even when we kept trying to engage her in the conversation)

OR in that same outing when she shared a video of the move we tried at muay thai that week and laughed to her bf about how I barely got it done, even though when we were at the gym I was self conscious about it and she reassured me that it was an advanced move and I was doing very good for a beginner because me getting along with her boyfriend "made her jealous" (girl i don't want you bf) (i don't even know how YOU want him) (im here cause you asked me to and im making an effort to be nice)

OR when even tho we had made plans to go see a movie together on the weekend, she said yes to an invite to go to a bar on the same day and overall time of the movie IN FRONT OF ME

OR !! when we made plans to watch Spider Verse together and she texted me before we could go and said her bf "bought different tickets" without her seeing and so they saw ATSV instead

OR when her boyfriend was very rude to me for no reason in front of our entire class and SHE came to me later to apologize FOR HIM cause "he lashed out cause he's going through a lot"

OR when I was crying (which I don't really do often, specially not in public) one that same day and she felt conflicted in staying with (when I ALWAYS make sure she's okay on the hundreds of times she left class or called me crying) or staying with her bf who was "a little bit upset" (he had to tell her to go talk to me)

or when she does something that bothers or annoys me and I communicate it to her (like we agreed we'd do, so neither of us get that uneasy anxious feeling) and she says stuff like "you dont hate me now right?" or "im sorry im such an awful friend" or "I'll understand if you dont wanna be my friend anymore" making me compartmentalize my own bad feelings to reassure her (even tho she's in the wrong)

OR !! For completely disregarding the plans we made to watch this show (that i was very excited to see your reactions to) together, only to watch almost half of it with ur boyfriend literally the night before AND keep me waiting all day for a reply the next day, only to be very nonchalant about the mean thing you did

OR !! always making me bend over backwards to fit into her "busy schedule" but not making the effort of CREATING time for me in her schedule

I'm gonna be enjoying the end of this lovely Carnaval week (god bless national holidays) with a clean conscience and will be amicable when returning to class on monday (at best)

is so weird to actually get older sister advice cause i have a "old wise character" syndrome where I think I know everything (I failed to do what past me did at 16 without even flinching) (it'll be weird to cut this person out of my life) (but I will not stay where I'm clearly not wanted) (well... maybe wanted but not treated with care and love)

#like I hadn't realized how much I actually share about the Happenings of my friendship with Her #my sister (who's a chronic “not listener” and is v forgetful) said She's an awful friend #yeah maybe !! but how do YOU know that #writing this out was both a bit hurtful and therapeutic #vent #but nothing too serious #holy shit did I get love bombed ???? #like do i love my friends ?? yes but I felt weird saying it #yet she always kept saying it to me and would have a reaction if i didn't say it back even tho I literally had to wrestle the words out #maybe this is english as a second language thing but saying ily in portuguese is SO DIFFICULT to me #i barely say to my immediate family #(im pretty sure that's love bombing ??) (she did start saying it in like weeks/months of beibg friends) #idk it's weird (it made me uncomfortable and I clearly had trouble saying it back why keep saying it)

[kingmojomonkey]

ignore: dumb shit personal rant below

i'm in a dumb situation that i brought on by myself but it's not really a situation at all...when i was visiting my friend abroad we went out to a club with her friends, and one of her friends was cute and got me insta, then at the end of the night we "danced" together and then made out and that was pretty much it and they put their arms around me at the bus station then they went home, me and my friend went back to hers and that was it and i spent my last day hanging out and doing cool things with my friend i was staying with and went home on the monday....but heres the dumb situation her friend that i made out with started texting me from the morning after the club, not much just a couple of texts here and there but it's so dumb that we did text we don't live in the same country, they don't really speak english and i don't speak any dutch and i dont really know anything about them because we barely spoke....but now if we text i will start to learn about them like i now know what they work as...and we will likely never ever see each other again in real life and its not like we dated or anything i spent like 4 hours with them and made out with them and that was it....but they were really nice and they seem sweet and like someone that would be good and anyone that ive tried texting on apps has been shit, but it's delusional thinking and acting to continue to text, not only do we not live in the same country but i barely live in my country right now i go abroad again in less than 2 months and i dont know how long it will be until i return home...but i don't want to be a bitch because they are nice, but i don't want to catch feelings for them either because of this which i feel like i might if i were to keep texting...like i get a tiny bit excited thinking i might have a text off them already so i know I'll be disappointed when the fun of the weekend fizzles out and we won't text anymore....i had been kind of giving dry replies so they could just you know not reply so i wouldnt have to been the one to not reply, but the way their last text was means i have to choose to agree to their statement (dry af), extend the convo or just give a heart and ignore it.

I also, until this summer, was never really in these situations, so i know i come across like a schoolgirl drama but all of this is new to me and i don't know if this is normal over thinking or my anxiety/panic disorder, but i feel dumb that i cant figure out what to do because i literally only knew this person for a short space of time and barely spoke irl to them and its funny because they arent the first person i made out with in a club in recent months, in october in a spanish club i spent like 3 hours dirty dancing and making out with someone and they would say some words to me in spanish and i knew enough spanish to make conversation but i didnt particulary want to talk that night so even when they spoke to me in english i just smiled and didnt reply i never learned their name but when we were all leaving the club i spoke then to let them know i wasnt going home with them and then we talked to their friends and my friends and shit, i never learned their name even though my friend later tried to find out who it was because apparently they worked in their hotel (not mine lucky enough) but even though i had fun and made out with that person for a much longer time i didnt care about not texting or knowing them again or for example the person i had sex with in summer (my first) i had been texting them for a bit before but i really didnt care that much about them at all and i didnt particularly care if i met up or text them again, though i went their house twice, and i still have them on insta but i know ill never text them and when they give my story the odd like every now and then im just like ah thats that person but i never thought anything more about them then im going to sleep with this person and that was that....which is what is worrying me more about this dumb situation because in my head im like i can potentially see if the fucking world aligned that we might be a good match but it is not and therefore the situation is dumb and me writing this is me procrastinating what my reply is and i feel like a fucking tit

#ignore this #nicoletxt #personal #catching feelings #late night thoughts

[blissfullybloomed]

Living In Full Bloom

You know , I was going to start this blog with a “ Happy Weekend” vibe .but, I'm feeling something a little deeper today. Something a little more personal. Let's chat about not being scared in relationships.

This actually has been on my mind for a few days, so why not just dive right in. 

If you don't know by now, I am in a relationship. Like an actual adult relationship. A relationship that is loving, caring, respectful, and most important worthy. Worth in a relationship means a lot to me. I have worked on myself, hard, for the last year. I, myself, actually have self worth…it took a long time to get here.

I know what and who I want. I know what qualities I do and don't want. I also know what things I will and won't tolerate. I also knew I wanted a partner that had done the hard work too, and it makes it that much sweeter- when both parties have “bloomed.” 

Oh, and before you think I have too many “rules”- they are called boundaries my people. Boundaries are the healthiest thing any relationship can have in my opinion. They keep you and your partner safe. Safe in your own self worth. Safe in trust. Safe in communications. Safe in intimacy. All of it. I definitely feel safe in my current relationship. It's one of the best feelings when you can just be who you are and not have to act or fake anything. You don't have to do things out of obligation or to appease anyone…you just genuinely enjoy spending time together, and hate when it has to end. 

My boundaries are known by myself because I did the work. I figured out what those were, stuck to them, and then waited for the right one. I waited two years to find someone that understands what a boundary actually is and how to just be accepting through it.  I don't think I tell him enough how great it is ...I'll work on that.

Thank you for accepting my boundaries. 

I won't get too gushy on here, just yet…but I will tell you this, I can finally breathe. 

I trust him. Yup, I do. 

Yeah, we have rough days at work, or family throws us a curveball, or we have anxiety about a certain event ... .WE make it through that- It's a WE thing, not just a me or just a him thing. We do it together. I don't think I've had that in a very very very long time. Someone that walks beside me, and not in front or behind. It's not a competition with him. It’s just us. It's simple. I enjoy and need something simple in my life. No more chaos.

So, now that we have all this good…how long does it stay? Does it stay through the bad days? Does it join forces to overcome small battles? Yeah. It does. It totally does. I wouldn't have it any other way- it's worth the battle to overcome. 

He is worth that to me. I am worth that to me. 

It's worth it to work at the relationship when it’s  hard…really dig(thanks survivor), and figure out a plan together. 

I'm not running. That's the old me. I don't even feel the need to run. Unless it would be to run to him. 

Feels great to not be scared anymore. 

Accepting him for who, and what he is right now…doesn't scare me. It actually makes me excited to learn more…and ya know BLOOM more with him. 

Life is good yall, really good. 

When the bad days come, I got you, and I know without a doubt he has me too.  If you don't have 100% to give, I'll pick up the slack. When I don't have 100% to give, he picks up the slack. When we both don't have it…we talk about it, and we will make a plan. I feel like I have been looking for him for a very long time, and he just happened to show up one day. He continues to show up…every day. I love it. 

Thank you Universe, for bringing me someone who truly gets me.

This is life in full bloom.

[stonewallsposts]

16 personalities questions: 34-36

I forgot to post the second set yesterday, so here's a makeup post to catch up.

34. You usually postpone finalizing decisions for as long as possible 

Not really, I like figuring some things out in advance. For example, I'll think about vacations probably a year in advance. I'll map out more or less where I'll go and even what days would probably work. Then around 4-6 months in advance, I'll buy the flight, hotels, car, etc. needed for the trip. Sometimes I've done it so far in advance that by the time the trip is actually here, I have to refresh my memory on what exactly I bought. My son spoke about going to Europe this year, probably around September. I've been bugging him ever since because I kind of want to know. I think we're going to Rome. Though to be fair, this year is a tough one for vacations. My wife just quit her 33 year career at a large company, where she had gobs of PTO built up, and is now at the small law firm where I work. So she doesn't have a ton of PTO saved like before. It would probably be best to skip a vacation this year, but I won't get a lot of opportunities to go with my oldest son, so we'll do our best to make it happen. But he makes more money than both of us combined, so it's not a problem for him to travel. 

But in general, I'll try to make decisions pretty quickly.  

35. You rarely second guess the choices that you have made 

This is true. I think I used to second guess my choices more often, but not so much anymore. I've just come to recognize that I can't go back and change anything, so make the best of where I am. A big part of making the best is not wasting my time wishing I could change what I can't. 

I mean there are a bunch of little things where sometimes I think; oh, poo. I should have ordered that instead, it looks better than mine, or maybe I shouldn't have bought the shirt.... but to be honest, there's not much second-guessing even in these things.  

As far as the big things, I do the best I can to make a good decision and then make the best of it when I'm there. To be honest, most of the big decisions I've made, I don’t regret. Even some things that I probably should regret, I just chalk them up to learning experiences, rather than spending time wishing I could undo them.  

Somewhere back around 2007-8, I decided that I should learn to dress myself better. So I underwent a period of trying to learn about style and dressing myself in clothes that would flatter me. I bought some books on men's style and learned about colors and fit and what shapes looked good and why. I found a tailor, Rose, a Vietnamese lady at Zip Tailoring, on La Palma across from the Buena Park Mall, that I started taking clothes to regularly. Even though I rarely go there anymore, she still remembers my name. But in my zest for buying clothes, I probably made some purchases that were.... unwise. In my defense, I'm an artist and I love color, and have no problem wearing bolder patterns... but I bought a white suit for summer one year and paired it with a bright pink shirt. Wore it while I was leading worship even. A little kid came up to me at church, and I swear this is true, told me I looked like Brad Pitt! I mean, that's for sure not the worst thing anyone's said to me... but would I wear that ever again? Probably not. Ok, for sure I wouldn't.  

36. After a long and exhausting week, a lively social event is just what you need 

No. My ideal weekend is having nothing planned. I love staying at home and doing some reading, and watching some shows. But I'll break it up with trips out too. However, I have to mindful of my wife, who does thrive on doing things. So if she wants to go places, I usually get ready to go even if I don't want to.  

Even though I do like social events and usually enjoy myself when I'm there, I often consider it ideal when I don't have anything to do. One of my lines these days is: I'm not looking for excitement anymore, I'm just hoping nothing goes wrong! Which, alright, sounds a little curmudgeonly, but it's closer to the truth than not. I do however reallllllllly look forward to vacations and little outings. So I'm not a total homebody.  

[whythewords]

Days 327 - 339: Patterns

Where to begin? I went to a wedding this past weekend and admittedly had a great time, but I'm starting to get really concerned that it was a small glimmer of joy in an otherwise really bleak couple of weeks.

I thought the end of the term would be joyful (albeit a bit difficult) but I'm being hit hard with a lot of not great feelings. There's some bad energy that's not necessarily a result of the stress from the last few assignments and exams (though that certainly doesn't help) but seems to be more likely a culmination of all the bad feelings I've spoken about here over the course of this year, coupled with my worries for the future. The whole "what will I do after this?" conversation is a little scary. There's some excitement in there too for sure, but it's still scary.

I can't quite explain it, but all the bad feelings I've struggled with over the course of this year seem to be all of a sudden just fucking amplified over these last few days. The loneliness and desire for companionship is hitting really fucking hard, and that fact is betrayed by my own behaviour over the last little while. I deleted the dating apps after the last unsuccessful stint and I feel both afraid of them and exhausted by them. And of that unsuccessful stint: the girl I was talking to popped back up after almost two weeks, apologizing for being absent saying things had just gotten a little busy/intense. My first instinct/reaction was excitement. "Another chance at this! Let's see what happens."

I realized not too much later that my excitement about the very prospect of it was gone. I had spent the time resolving myself to the fact that this little back and forth we had was over and it was time to move on. That feeling of finality never quite went away. Now we're back in a weird limbo where we haven't spoken in a few days (once again with me sending the last volley of messages) and the only thing that I really care about now to some extent is closure. She even made it clear she was hanging out with someone else quite a bit...so like what the fuck am I doing? Hindsight being 20/20, I wish that as soon as I had learned that I had just said "hey, that's great, let's just call a spade a spade and move on for now, best of luck, hope you find what you were looking for, etc." But I didn't, and now I feel like I'm still a small part of something I maybe wasn't even fucking ready for in the first place. And all this has done is make the loneliness that much more fucking apparent. Ugh.

And in the least sense-making counterpoint to that whole thing, the other big emotion that has been smacking me around these last few days is this insatiable desire for independence. It's just seemingly getting worse and worse. I fucking hate being here in this apartment, and I have never hated it more. My relationship with my dad feels more strained than ever. Also, with it being wintertime and us all still sharing one car since my folks' accident, there is nary a single moment of privacy to be had anymore. Cold weather means everyone goes into hermit mode. The couple of hours that I do occasionally get to myself are still mostly being spent on homework and studying. I haven't booked the Japan trip yet and I even briefly considered cancelling it completely because I stupidly looked at houses and apartments thinking that might cheer me up a little.

Every place worth a damn has an average estimated monthly mortgage payment that looks daunting as fuck. It sends me into a panic of punching in numbers on a calculator and looking at how much I would realistically be able to save, and invariably ends with me silently screaming about the fact that it seems like I'm going to be living with my folks for another year, two years, longer....and I don't think I'll be ready to fully jump back into dating until I get back out on my own.

...and the cycle continues.

I've alluded to this already but, man it feels bad to feel like I'm back where I started. But I know I'm not.

I KNOW how ridiculous that sounds. I'm in a different place. I'm smarter. I'm more in tune with what it is I want. Not as in tune as I want to be but definitely a bit moreso than I was before.

I dunno man. It's just hard. It's really fucking hard. And I know it'll get easier but...I want it to be easy now. And I know it doesn't work like that and I know I have to keep fighting but FUCK man...I'm tired.

In a couple of weeks I'll be done school. And it'll be my birthday. My folks are graciously heading out for the evening to allow me to have a VERY small version of my annual house-bound acoustic show for a few friends who live in the area, because the condo can only fit so many people.

It'll be a pared down, somehow even more intimate version of an already tiny little show that I've been doing since 2009 (only missing 2020 when COVID was in full effect).

These little events like parties, gatherings, occasionally seeing friends or hanging with my brother, they've been nice....but for the last little bit they've only really felt like temporary breaks from the otherwise constant hum of ennui and despair that I've been experiencing. I'm hoping that the next break is a break in the pattern...because right now the pattern is fucking awful.

Said it once, I'll say it again: Somehow I made it this far. May as well try to keep going.

'Til next time.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[kinetic-elaboration]

October 4: Lot of Worrying

I took a nap. Woke up hungry and with a headache. Took a painkiller and am eating a lot of soup. I don't really feel better. A little better, but not enough. Feeling kind of worried...I presume I'll feel better tomorrow morning but what if I don't? I mean I guess I'll just call in sick to work? I don't know. I also really, really need to go shopping. If I don't go shopping tomorrow I won't until Monday and I really need to. But. Right now I just feel so unwell I don't know how that will be possible. And I know I might feel better tomorrow, I should after I've slept but... What if I've just broken myself?

And ugh this weekend. This is such a bad weekend for AOFTA. I really want to go; I haven't gone since 2019. There are going to be some amazing artists there. It's possible my favorite painting of all time will be exhibited again. But if I went I'd have to go Sunday, which means going early in the day. And on Saturday is SC Preview, which, like, same issue except at least it doesn't involve going out. But is it worth it? Do I... even want to think about the Supreme Court right now? I've been kind of checked out for a bit, which I know is bad but like also the least of my issues right now

I don't know. I don't know. I'm so overwhelmed by everything. I need to stop treating myself as if I can do anything and then just expect myself to, if not bounce back, at least like, shuffle through long enough to get to a point where I can make some sort of quick fix to myself and undo the damage. I absolutely know better.

AAAAAHHHHH. Okay. I need to prepare to go shopping tomorrow because I might feel better, I might be able to do it. But I also need o prepare to take off work tomorrow if I feel sick. It is not morally bad to take sick days. And if I can't go to work or can but can't go grocery shopping... I won't even lie, I've been order in gin more than my normal amount of food but I can just order in one more time. Desperate times. Of course I'm always living in desperate times through every fault of my own*. (*And capitalism.)

Ugh. I'm obviously feeling a little bit better than I did at first. Headache is gone I think. My stomach is a little weird still and I'm tired. I'm going to assume I can go to work and go shopping tomorrow. I'll just live with that assumption and if something happens to upend it, I'll deal with it. I really want to do no NEITHER of my weekend plans. I want to rest (lol sleep too much), clean (uhhh), and write (lmao) but I also feel like it would be good for me to do one or both of the other things. I hate that they're both the same weekend. I hate that they're both the same weekend and that I am such a mess, personally. But I also can't make decisions about these things while I feel like this. Like there's a non-zero chance I am sick lol.

I think... I need to be excited to do things. The reason I've been hiding out in time-wasting activities is I just dread everything else I could be doing. But like... see the art! hear the analysis! write the stuff you've been planning in you head and feel the flow of creativity! make the food that will taste good to eat! clean and enjoy your nice apartment!

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just never know where to start anymore.

Well, we'll see. I do need to get back to sleep. I wasn't going to write this particular post today but now that I have, might as well just use it. It is a lot of text.

#the year 2023 #2023: rl