whythewords

[whythewords]

I think you better wise up, boy

And just as quickly as it began, another dating adventure comes to a close.

As things around me started to get dodgier and more upsetting, I took a little solace in the fact that the one thing that never works for me was working. Three dates we went on, a fucking record for me since the divorce. Also the first woman I've kissed since splitting up with my wife. All seemed well...until it wasn't. I got a text citing the usual story of the last few dating experiences, she felt like the compatibility wasn't there. And just like that, the proverbial saddle that I put myself back in is now being packed up and put away for the umpteenth time.

I should not be relying on these things for my happiness, but fuck does it ever hurt more when everything else is also coming apart at the seams.

We exchanged the texts yesterday to end things off. Then I fell into a funk. Today, my only work-from-home day of the week, was full of inane requests and painful training sessions, each time through I remember how very specific this stuff is meaning it is absolutely useless to me in the rest of my career. The pangs of working for a marketing company, knowing full well that I have never meshed well with sales and marketing and advertising and the people in those worlds. Again, it's been only a year and it's my first job in IT so I can't be too upset...but I think I'm warranted to point out how fucked up it is that what was sold to me an IT job is about 30% actual IT and technology and 70% busywork that they could train any ol' John Doe to do.

There was work being done on the apartment so drills and power tools rang in my head all day causing it to ache. My throat was sore and dry after another useless 2 hours of droning training sessions about an application I will never use again in my entire fucking life after this job. Then I made dinner for my folks. Then those contractors tripped the fire alarm in the building. There's that headache again! Did I mention our washer blew up and we've been doing laundry at the coin laundromat, which I also have to do tonight rather than a much needed workout?

With everything going on: my disenfranchisement with the job, another dating thing crashing and burning, the constant reminder that I am still stuck here in this apartment with my folks, I feel so defeated.

Wanna know the fucked up thing? I almost didn't disable/delete the dating apps after all that. Part of me was willing to think things through: "now wait a minute here...perhaps I am ready to get hurt again!" I don't know what that is. At this point I think it falls somewhere between desperation and psychopathy.

Maybe it's time I go back to therapy.

Then again, therapy's expensive...and I desperately need to find a new place to live....

#online dating #life of joe #not so d

[whythewords]

Only Almost

Even if all the plates seem to be spinning, if everything seems on balance, it is still a certainty that a fall or a break is inevitable. The job is going okay if a little shitty at times. This shit is revealing itself a lot more as of late, revealing the clunkilly run nature of a bunch of marketing people's facsimile of what an IT department is supposed to look like. But for now it's serviceable. But what if I don't want serviceable?

My life as it stands right now is serviceable. But this isn't the end goal and it's far from it. I don't want a "serviceable" life. I want a good life. You figure when the dating thing is going well (or at least better than it has gone in the past), and when work is okay, that the rest will fall into place. You figure "maybe I'm just overly dramatic, just looking for something to complain about."

I woke up in a haze this morning (surely due in no small part to springing forward an hour). I was demanded to the table to have breakfast with my folks. Something struck in my mind in just the right way reminding me that as it still stands, I am at the mercy of other people's schedule and not my own. And I lost it. As has happened luckily only once or twice since moving in here, I had a full emotional breakdown centred around one phrase that's been resonating for me since mid-way through 2021: "It wasn't supposed to be like this." I was never supposed to be pulled into a foreign, non-creative part of a video production job that I would eventually grow to hate. I was certainly never supposed to get divorced, and have to move back in with my parents. I wasn't supposed to struggle my way through and take the first IT job that came along so that I could make enough money to move out again, only to find that if I want to continue living in the GTA, the deck is now financially stacked against a single income person just looking for a basic place to live. I wasn't supposed to have to pivot to looking for jobs hours out of the way, far from my friends and my family because those locales are cheaper to live in, but realize that jobs also pay less out there.

It wasn't supposed to go this way. And all of that hit me like a fucking train this morning. But there's a simple fact that runs counter to that: it wasn't supposed to, but it did. It fucking did. And that's a part of life sometimes. I never expected it to be a part of mine but this is the hand I was dealt. Just because it's been almost three years since separating from my wife and starting this grand reset, doesn't really mean shit unless I keep up the pace and keep working.

But I'm tired man. I'm just so fucking tired.

#life of joe

[whythewords]

Saddle up

In the vain of the last post, is there a point in updating this anymore? I think I do it more for my own benefit because realistically the application of this whole thing is to get these thoughts onto a (digital) page. I've oftentimes in the last little while thought that I didn't have much to say, until I started saying it. Then it flowed out like water breaking through a dam.

Things are where they were, they're where I left them. I'm still trying to make moves to...well..move. I SAY I'm trying harder to make it happen this year, but realistically I've done a lot planning for the steps I should be taking and not actually taking said steps. I feel like I said something to that effect last time too...or maybe it was the time before that. It's all starting to run together.

Work has been kicking my ass the last few weeks. Again, something I feel like I've already asked but I guess it bares repeating: is it too early to be bitter? And maybe bitter is too strong a word. I contend in other discussions about this gig that my worst day is here is still better than my best day at the old job. I haven't had full-on panic attacks. I haven't had a day so shitty that all I wanted was the warmth of my home and for it still to be at least an hour out of my grasp...and be kinda shitty there too anyway. Well...I guess things are shitty at home now as well but for different reasons. But at least I'm close by.

That's the other thing. I know my folks mean well, but it's been increasingly tough lately. I went to see an old friend in Toronto and was riddled with texts and phone calls because I hadn't come home yet and it was late. 37 years old and being checked in on, helicopter parented by my 80 and almost 80 year old folks. I lost my damn mind and got into a huge blowout with my dad over it..and fuck even that...even that is some teenager bullshit. I just don't want any of it. I've been spending far less time with them and it's not too hard for them to notice when someone is avoiding them in their own home. My mom seems more understanding of my plight...my dad is the one who makes comments. Just moments ago he brought me a plate of fruit, admittedly a very sweet and homey gesture and something I would SURELY miss if I was off living on my own...and as he set it down he said "here, since you don't want to spend time with us anymore." The implication being that they were having fruit earlier while watching Jeopardy! which I used to watch with them pretty frequently, but I opted not to tonight. I bowed out of the tradition.

And you know what? He's fucking right. I DON'T want to spend time with them anymore. At least not right now. Not after spending almost 3 years with them beginning during one of the most truly shitty times in my life, and trying to claw my way back to some sense of normalcy and claim SOME semblance of the independence that one would think ought to be allotted to an employed, fairly intelligent 37 year old man. If I move far, mom already said they're gonna go where I go so I am going to keep seeing them frequently, but on my own terms and with the ability to retreat to my own space. And if they stay out here in Mississauga, I'm gonna be back out here visiting friends and family constantly anyway...and friends in Toronto, and friends in Guelph, and friends in Burlington....

And maybe a girl in Burlington? But let's not get our hopes up. Let's not do the same thing we do every single god damn time we get a little deep into these dating apps. So yeah, that happened again (against my better judgment.) I was seeing some old friends this past Friday night (those ones in Toronto, in fact) that I hadn't seen in a while. We were talking about dating and it came to light that couples in healthy (or I suppose unhealthy) relationships oftentimes have a weird FOMO about the dating apps and like to live vicariously through their single friends. I don't know if it's necessarily just FOMO or more of an "oh wow look at the freak show" mentality, but either way I said "fuck it" and decided to download the two apps I had profiles on so we could marvel at the state of dating right now all together. This is after I had pledged to myself and others that I would stay off that shit until I figure out this next chapter of my life. Now, in my defence...the alcohol was flowing...(one full beer on a half empty stomach, because that's all it takes for my old ass these days...I didn't say it was the best defence.) So I got out the phone and casted to their TV and we swiped and we laughed and we drank. One of the friends posited that we should get together again but go out to a bar instead and she would be my "wingwoman" and all that, and it all was very fun and light-hearted. But by the end of it, I did tell them both that there was a good chance these apps would be off my phone again in a couple of weeks.

Cut to the next day. Saturday morning. No big plans. A few matches. And now I'm in it. Halfway true to my word, I very quickly deleted one of the apps as there was absolutely no traction there, but there were a few light conversations happening on the other one. A couple of new matches over the course of the week, some conversations, and one in particular that quickly resulted in a date after just a few days of chatting. What's more, she was the one to ask me out which was a surprising and welcome change from the flakiness I'd experienced from the last couple of women I had "successful" meetups with on the apps. The date was fine. Simple. We had drinks and chatted and got to know each other a little better. We already have another one scheduled for next Tuesday. These should be good things...but I'm worried.

I'm worried about the hole I dug myself into after the last couple of connections I made on these apps. I'm worried that I felt so committed to NOT being on the apps while I figured the rest of my life out, that maybe that mentality is still lingering. I still have walls up. I had to really actually try to tell myself during the date to drop my guard a little bit. I told my friend this and he expressed concern that I shouldn't jump in if I don't feel ready...but I've BEEN doing this...I've BEEN ready. I think I'm ready just not nearly as...I don't know...hopeful? And that's sad. But I am willing, SO fucking willing to have my mind changed. So we'll see. Rolling with the punches is sort of the name of the game here. Don't wanna over-invest...don't wanna be aloof and dismissive. Just need to meet in the middle.

Maybe that improv class I've been taking will help with the dating thing and allow me some more unguarded spontaneity? Maybe I just needed a smooth transition into talking about the improv class. It has been a fucking blast, actually. I have looked forward to it every Tuesday and it's been a nice consistent routine and activity to get outta the house with. And tomorrow is the last session...(technically today because it is well past midnight and fuck I should be sleeping). I can't believe 8 weeks already passed. It fucking flew by. And I definitely think I wanna take the next class in the series or do an acting class at the theatre centre closer to me or just...something. I need another fun thing I can do for a little while to just get out of my same-ass routine.

This is all sort of reminiscent of my brief time in Toronto that I previously mentioned being nostalgic for. It was a rediscovery: Getting more involved in music, going out mid-week to just "check out the scene" as it was. Hell, that was my first experience on the dating apps as well. And that first part was fun...it was always fun until it wasn't. But I'm here now, and I'm trying again because I just might as fucking well right?

So here we go.

Back in the saddle.

#life of joe #online dating

[whythewords]

It's a living

I've had a weird thing where I felt as if I had a lot to say about what's been going on with me for the last few days but I kept hitting this invisible wall. I came back here to put in an entry on the ol' personal journal/public Tumblr blog available for all to see (that only like three people know I still post to), and I'm paralyzed by thinking about the monotony of the last month or so.

More and more I feel as if I need to get outta my parents' place and to my own space, and I'm making a more concentrated go at it, but that's also right on theme. I still crave the solitude that comes with that whole ordeal, but I also still get sad occasionally when I think about the lack of romantic connections. That said, I'm making a consorted effort to stay off the apps for now while I continue to figure my shit out. I've also opted to embrace the finality of the end of the defining romantic relationship of my life so far and allow myself to drift further and further out of the sphere of communication with that person, that world, that part of myself. I feel like that's going to be overall better for my mental health.

These are all things I thought to say, but these are right up there with the rest of those "greatest hits" of my life over the last little while. This is my reality, and it will be until it changes. Knowing it can change and believing that it will soon makes up the cloud of hope that I'm trying to stay in. But there are also occasional moments of doubt. It's all the positive/negative push/pull I've described so far on a somewhat more macro level. But that's just what it is: a set of Russian nesting dolls of conflicting emotions.

That's why maybe it's good to focus on the micro: I started my certification class for more tech stuff, that's a step in the right direction, a step to getting outta here. Oh, I also started taking improv classes a couple of weeks ago and they have been very fun. I figure it's way to meet people, get to know them, get outta my comfort zone a little bit. That's super fun because you have to be in the moment, but the content can be whatever you want. It's a little chance to play pretend when everything outside of the class sometimes gets a little too real, at least in terms of what I'm feeling during those lonely or anxious moments.

Little by little I keep making my way up the path. This coming March will be one year at the new job. I was hoping to be out and gone to another locale before then but perhaps that's unrealistic. I feel like I'm better equipped these days to handle that fact. But I do keep telling myself that this is the year. This is when it'll all finally happen. And all I can do is keep living in the meantime. There's an abundance of things to look forward to. That's good because as further as I make it on this quest to get where I'm going, I'm gonna need something to focus on.

Speaking of focus, I barley can right now thanks to another "greatest hit" of the last little while: a shitty sleep schedule!! I've read and re-read what I've typed here several times while unwittingly drifting off to dreamland so I think it's time to do that for real. But the sleepiness does mean that most of what I just wrote here could be a hot mess of disjointed non-sequiturs and run-on sentences.

But hey, life goes on and so must I, right?

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

Thirty-Seven Special

Twelve minutes ago, December 17th ended and a new day began, meaning my birthday has officially come and gone. I took Thursday and Friday off leading up to this weekend, I had some very low-key hangouts with one or two friends over the last couple of days. Today my folks insisted upon a dinner together, I repeatedly stated that I wanted nothing which became a point of contention for some reason.

It all sort of hit different this year, and it hit hard and sudden. I wasn't in the mood to celebrate. It's not about "feeling old," it's not thirty-seven in particular, it's the weight of the last few years and knowing the journey is still happening. It's not so much "thirty-seven" as it is "thirty-seven and living with my folks." Or perhaps it's "thirty-seven and just now beginning to figure out my career." Or, more likely it's a combo of those two things, a few others, and "thirty-seven and single." And boy was I reminded of that last one. My dad has always laid it on thick with the "bring us a grandchild" shtick but he's been consistently aggressive with it this week, up to and including my birthday. Three separate times in the day he made some sort of comment asking me why I was single, what was taking me so long, how long am I going to wait, etc. It was fucking jarring, considering the fact that the girl I had been speaking to for over 5 months, with whom I was FINALLY going to have a second date this past Thursday...just pulled out of the whole engagement.

A couple of days before we were set to meet, she messaged me saying she wanted to be upfront and honest and not waste my time, but she was feeling no romantic connection. No connection. After some texting, a handful of phone conversations and one date (which I thought went exceedingly well and got very strong signals from her indicating the same). Five months is a long time to only go on one date, so I get that aspect of it...but then why hang on for that long? I assumed she was still interested in following it where it went, seeing as she was still actively speaking with me and making plans. And the postponing/rescheduling/waiting fell on her side of the court, at least over the last few weeks. We had talked on the phone just a couple of days before she ended things. Again, that was a seemingly nice conversation where we shared some laughs, all seemed well. But apparently it wasn't. It's perplexing, and frustrating and ultimately...fine. It has to be fine because there is nothing I can do about it. I really felt like I was doing things right. But who knows.

She did float the idea of remaining friends since we had clearly developed a nice rapport. I politely declined. It would have been nice to hang out and remain friends, she was sweet and funny and I thought we had a great deal in common...but I know me, and I would likely get hung up and wait for the next opportunity where "more than friends" was back on the table. If we had met through friends (which is a lost art I fucking WISH would be my reality as opposed to these awful god damn apps), then I feel like a friendship would have developed naturally first and we could have remained as such. But we didn't. We met on a dating app, where one typically goes to find someone to date. A romantic connection....which is what I want...at least I think that's what I've determined.

All this to say, I've found myself very suddenly coming down with a bad case of the end-of-the-yearsies. And any time not spent with friends these last few days was spent alone in my room, paralyzed with anxiety about all of the things I should be doing but aren't. But I do think that after this last full week of work I'll be able to relax for real. Take a deep breath. Enjoy the company of friends and family. And then I can plan. Recalibrate. Try to look ahead with determination rather than doubt. There's not just career moves and living situation moves to make. I'm looking to find some new opportunities to get out of my comfort zone, some activities/routines to get me outta the house and meeting people (without the use of awful dating apps). There's also a few music-related things on the horizon that I am excited for.

There's a logical conclusion to the story of the last few years for me, a happy ending I'm working towards after the divorce, and the career change and the move. I see it in my mind almost every god damn day. I know what I want it to look like, and I know that there is actually potential that it CAN look like that, it's just a matter of when.

New year's comin'...

Maybe this will be the year?

Maybe.

#life of joe #dating #not so daily journal #music

[whythewords]

Caught Sleepin'

The post-lunch slump hit me like a freight train today. I'm tired but I don't wanna sleep. It's 5:30pm, I should at least hold off for a few more hours...just not too long as I have been doing.

My sleep has devolved back into a maddening, inconsistent mess. I feel as though my general health has suffered a fair bit in the last while. I'm not sure how much of it I can blame on stress and lack of general mental well-being. I've realized that I desperately need to re-evaluate my fitness goals. I feel like I overindulged on that Mexico trip, I'm as heavy as I've ever been and looking to put a pin in it. Great timing discovering this right before the holidays, the time of the year designed for marathon eating.

The trip to Mexico was an interesting one. It was mostly fun, a little somber. My friends' father passed away while we were there (on Día de los Muertos/the Day of the Dead no less). They knew it was coming and had spent plenty of time with him and said their goodbyes but it doesn't make it suck any less. I'll be playing music at his celebration of life this Friday. In fact I had a regular gig this past Friday, and spent some time with those same friends on Saturday. It was supposed to the weekend of date # 2, but would you look at that? Postponed again. I start to worry again if this one is gonna fizzle like the one last year. You know, that one other half-decent connection I had through these apps in over 365 days. Apparently there will be more time in December. One can hope. That's all one can do.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the fact that I'll be 37 next month. Mostly because I'm still here in this apartment. I'm starting to make moves to get out sooner rather than later but with real estate being what it is right now I don't like my chances.

This post is a disjointed mess because of how god damn tired I am, basically falling into several microsleeps between paragraphs.

Even still, it's all the greatest hits of what this journal has perpetually been for the last couple of years. "I'm sad! I'm lonely! Dating is hard! I don't wanna live here anymoooooore!"

I suppose that will make it that much better when it does finally change. A big career break. An opportunity to move out and reclaim my independence. A real shot at a real romantic relationship.

I mean, I'm due for at least one of 'em right?

So what'll it be?

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

Ebbs and flows (Shot, Reverse Shot)

Sometimes it feels like an entire lifetime has transpired between posts. Thinking about the time that has transpired is bittersweet. On one hand it's like "oh shit, time is really getting away from me" and on the other hand it's like "oh shit, look how far I've come!" And that remains the state of this whole journal thang. Duality. The shitty times and the good. Ebbs and flows. Reading through that last post, I vividly remember the feelings of hopelessness around dating, around feeling stuck.

It's always ebbs and flows, it seems. My outlook is still kinda gloomy. I didn't sleep well at all last night and I was in bed almost all day today feeling like absolute death. It's hard not to contemplate how I would deal with situations like this differently if I had my own space. Or maybe I wouldn't even be in this predicament because I would have a more consistent healthy routine and get the things I want to do done during the day and actually sleep at night. We're in that weird transitional period between seasons where al the winter clothes need to be dug out and summer clothes put away. Three people in a two bedroom place means there's not a lot of room for everything and so a lot our clothes are in storage. Even the minor inconvenience of digging everything out brought on those thoughts of 'what if?' "In my own place I wouldn't have to deal with this shit. It would all just be there in one spot."

I do my best get over these humps and resume some form of mental stability and normalcy. I try to think about positive strides. Work is still just okay, but 'just okay' is a lot better than awful and I have to keep that in mind. I'm starting the process of doing some certification courses, making moves, to hopefully make more money, to hopefully make some LITERAL moves sooner rather than later. Talked to the folks at my bank about saving more over the next little while, started the conversation about mortgage pre-approvals and what it would ACTUALLY take to move out. Baby steps. Wish they weren't so baby, but they're steps. Seems to be a theme doesn't it? "Just okay" is better than "awful." "Baby steps" are better than no steps at all. And a date is better than no date.

That one girl who I told myself not to freak out about when the date didn't happen...the one prospect left after all of the seemingly "great luck" I was having on the apps for a while...the one girl I had been talking to since all the way back in July when I was visiting my friend on the East Coast...the "last remaining light" as it were (if I can invoke a little Audioslave)...the date didn't happen that day but it did eventually happen. And it went well. And I'm seeing her again in a couple of weeks. And she's cool and she's nice and all I can really do is hope it goes well.

I have a bad habit of getting too invested. It happened almost a year ago to the day, with the one other girl from these apps that I seemed to have a decent connection with. It fizzled early, after two dates. All I can really hope for is to make it to three this time. Just let it rock. Don't get my hopes up too high. I suppose I have to remember that if it doesn't work out, there are still so many other things to focus on. And the year is almost over. That part is fucking wild. But it means I made it another year.

There's another trip coming. In a week I'm going to Mexico with a small group and if I'm being honest, for the longest time I was kind of mad at myself I ever let them convince me to go. I was dreading it. A fucking trip to a tropical destination RIGHT as it's starting to get shit cold around here...and my spoiled ass was sulking about it. As it approaches now I'm coming to my senses and getting a bit more excited. It's another break from everything. Another opportunity to reset. Those don't really come as often as I want them so I should count my fucking blessings. AND my folks might take a little trip as well after I get back, meaning yet another nice stint of time where I've got the place to myself, when I can imagine what it'll be like when I'm back out on my own, when I've finally reclaimed the last of that independence I have been so fixated on.

It's ebbs and flows right? Sad, lonely, and sick of the same routine. Hopeful, open, and changing it up. I gotta grasp at those straws as they whizz past me as I fall super fucking fast toward my destination, not realizing the speed in which I'm moving.

There was a bit of an ant problem in my apartment the last few weeks. Got a few traps, seems to have cleared 'em right up. I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere. There's always a solution I guess? Even if the solution is just knowing that a REAL solution will get here eventually.

Ebbs and flows. The flows are good, and demand to be gone with. So I'm going to try to go with the flow.

Until next time.

#life of joe #dating #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

Don't freak out

The date that was supposed to happen on the 26th of August did not happen. It was agreed upon, and then I just ceased to hear from the girl for the rest of the week. I messaged her to follow up. No response.

I'm used to the ghosting by now, it's an unfortunate reality of these apps that you're going to have to deal with it from time to time. I've had plenty of seemingly nice conversations fizzle out after a while, but agreeing to a planned date on a specific day and then disappearing? That stings a bit more.

Today is not a great day. It's Labour Day, holiday Monday, I should be enjoying a nice day off, but I'm not. I'm kinda spiralling. I'm having a harder time than usual being here in this apartment, which I know is something that has happened before and will likely keep happening until I find a way out, but it doesn't make it suck any less. The despair and feeling of hopelessness when I look at the monthly expense on even a one bedroom apartment sends me into a dark fucking hole of depression.

I went and got the rest of my stuff from my brother's place so I can cart it off to my uncle's storage locker in London. So yet again my car is filled with big ol' chunks of my life that, like me, are sort of in limbo, just wanting to get to the next destination. And I'm currently in limbo waiting for my dad to get back from the mall since he insisted on helping me move that stuff to his car so he can bring it up tomorrow while I'm at work, and I am just waiting for the inevitable "this is too much stuff" and "why do you need all this?" which is certainly true of a lot of it, but people seem to often forget that when you take a whole-ass house's worth of stuff and try to squeeze it into one little room, it's gonna look like a lot more than it actually is. I definitely don't need all of it and I definitely plan to get rid of a big chunk of it, but I want to make those decisions based on where I'm headed and not where I am now.

Making decisions based on where my head is at now feels like it would be detrimental. But that's because I'm just in a slightly more aggressive than usual "bummer" state...but I also can't tell if this is my norm and the occasional times I'm doing things I enjoy are just temporary joy highs.

The last Friday before this long weekend was the last day of our summer hours, and seeing as I did the full shift last week, I would have the wonderful luxury of leaving at noon this past Friday...except I didn't have that luxury, my manager called me and informed me of this on Thursday of this last week. Bummer. But he cut a deal with me that if I take this shift, he would just give me the full day off next Friday. I'm trading four hours for eight. Good deal! Joy! Had my first physical last week where she confirmed that I was mostly healthy (joy!) even though I've been feeling sick for several days (bummer.) and she all but confirmed what I already knew which was that I need to eat better and lose some weight. Bummer again. Ran some tabletop gaming and took a day trip with some close friends over the weekend. Joy! Woke up with the crippling sense of dread that I would never get out of this apartment and dug myself deeper into that hole by looking at nearby one bedroom apartments, even the cheapest of which were grossly out of my budget. Bummer. Remembered that I've only got a three day work week this week since Friday is going to be my bonus day off! Joy! Remembered that Friday was also supposed to be my first date with the one girl seemingly left after that dating blitz, the one I vibed with the most, the one I should have paid more attention to from the very beginning...but that after several first dates already being postponed it seems like that one is fizzling too, and there's a good chance that if it doesn't happen on Friday, it's not going to happen at all...

Bummer. Bummer, but don't freak out. That's what I'm telling myself now, don't freak out. I literally went into my Google calendar and added a few question marks to the event reminder. Then I made a new event and set it for that morning and I called it "Don't freak out." And in the notes I wrote this:

"Don't freak out if you haven't heard from her yet. Don't freak out if the date doesn't happen. Don't freak out if it looks like you're never going to meet her. There will be others, but only when you want there to be. Take a break from it. You have today off. Relax. Enjoy it. Watch some TV, play some guitar. Wake up early and have some tea and enjoy the quiet of the apartment before mom and dad start their routine. Play some Switch, read a little, catch up on your podcasts. Just take the day to not think about any of the things that are making you sad. Just take the day."

I don't want to get to a place where I have to remind myself to be happy. I just want to BE happy. And I'm trying.

I'm trying not to freak out.

#life of joe #not so daily journal #dating

[whythewords]

Sure, You Can Love Me (But Can You Please Take Me Home?)

On and on we go through this messy, sometimes great, sometimes fucking exhausting life, right? Again, I don't know how to summarize the goings-on since the last post, I only know about a few landmarks of the last month and how they made me feel.

I went on that vacation to Nova Scotia....it was breathtaking. My pal Damion and his wife Katie put us up in their absolute unit of a home, it was gorgeous and new and in a quaint, sparsely populated area of the province. A dream. And he planned quite the itinerary for us. We did a night at a fancy, cottagey AirBNB right on the water. We went tidal bore rafting which I agreed to before knowing fully what it was, but look it up, it's wild. We did a winery/cidery tour. We bummed around Halifax, I bought a travel guitar, and we also hit the Halifax waterfront. I ate my fill of lobster and just great seafood in general. I finally got to meet his adorable two year old daughter and experienced the great pleasure of my heart melting each and every time she called me "uncle Joe."

The trip was everything. But it was also what it was supposed to be: a vacation. There was no networking and looking for jobs and opportunities while I was out there. There was none of the "research" I convinced myself I was gonna do. It was, more than anything, a chance to catch up with an old friend, which is exactly what it needed to be.

Over the course of that week and into the intervening weeks...I decided to do another dating app blitz and stunningly, it paid off. I have gotten more traction on these apps than I have ever gotten. I'm up to four different woman I'm talking to and I haven't met a single one of them yet but the conversations are seemingly staying afloat, and I may have a date this coming Saturday. All of this happened to fall on a month that's already wall-to-wall loaded with other plans and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps me distracted, keeps me happy. Another open mic on Wednesday, my friend's hockey game on Thursday, a night at the drive-in on Friday.

And yesterday I was in Fort Erie, an old friend who lives in New Jersey now was out there visiting his parents, and they all used to live in our old neighbourhood in Mississauga. It was nice catching up, and I had forgotten how much his mom "gets it." Without having seen each other in several years, she knew inherently after a brief catch-up session exactly where I was at. The predicament with my folks and wanting to move out...and how that may be effected by where we all are in our lives. "I worry you may have been prematurely thrown into a caretaking scenario." She said that and it was as if she was staring into my soul. A wise oracle assessing my situation with a glance.

My mom had gotten a little sick while I was on my trip. She's much better now, thank goodness, but the whole "moving out East to find a new life" thing sort of flashed before my eyes. My dad is 80. My mom is not too far behind. Their health is okay but they're not without their issues. If I'm not taking them with me I gotta stay close, and that fucking stings. Not because I don't love and appreciate them and want what's best for them, but because it seems like I'm now at the point where it's been decided for me. I have no choice in the matter.

My brother is not up to the task of taking care of my folks if I go away, he can barely take care of himself. To draw at least some inspiration from Nova Scotia, Damion had brought his mom out east to live with him after his dad passed. She's got a walkout basement apartment while he, his wife and his daughter have free reign of the top two levels. Maybe that's solution for me too. Maybe this is just my lot in life now. We have to go in on something together. My dad floated the idea by me before and it's not a bad one really, but it feels in many ways like true independence is always going to elude me. And it's STILL really fucking expensive. Maybe part of me was influenced by the sudden influx of dating prospects that sticking around here wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Unfortunately that doesn't change its price, both emotionally and financially.

There's these two parts of myself that have constantly been at odds these last few weeks: the lonely and longing romantic, looking for love and companionship, and the low-key, introspective recluse, just waiting for the opportunity to seize his independence and finally have a place he can truly call his own. Those came together to form a song as part of my monthly songwriting challenge, late as always but one of my favourite things I've written maybe of the last two or three years. Must be because it's so painfully fucking true.

But writing it, and playing it, and singing it they all make it sting a little less. They calm me down and remind me that while this is a shitty hand I've been dealt, it is not an impossible task. I can and WILL figure this out eventually.

Fuck, thank goodness for music, huh?

Here's a very rough and scratchy demo of the song I mentioned, it inspired the title of this post:

#life of joe #not so daily journal #music #songwriting #dating #SoundCloud

[whythewords]

I live in the grey

Been a while, but when has it not? I don't even fully know what's all transpired in the time since my last post or particularly how I feel about it. These things are beginning to be less of a recap of all of the time since the last one and more "here's some shit that happened last week, and this occurred to me while it was happening so here's a semi-stream-of-consciousness combination of thoughts ranging from beaming optimism to anxious dread. Enjoy."

The event that sparked my mind in this particular case was actually a nice one, I went to a concert with a good friend, Tina. She's one of a few people I think I've gotten more close with since post-COVID, and even more so since moving back to Mississauga. In a group setting we've always just peppered the conversation with with goofy inside jokes or references from our shared pool of favourite media. In a one-on-one setting though we tend to have more thoughtful conversations on things ranging from relationships and dating, to life and career trajectories, to the benefits of therapy.

She had hit up one of our group chats with a laundry list of upcoming shows with reasonably priced tickets, and local boys Sloan caught my eye. In truth I've only ever been a passive fan of their music, enjoying all of the singles and radio hits as they come but rarely diving deeper. Tina was more or less in the same boat, and we had both been clamouring to go to more shows since the COVID-caused concert drought. So yeah, Sloan show, cool venue (History on Queen Street East in Toronto), reasonably priced tickets...off we went!

We met at Kipling Station and hopped on the subway, chatting along the way. Between the subway ride, the walk from the station, the dinner at the cool, hipster-y restaurant/microbrewery we found along the way, we hit the conversation topics I highlighted above and a common theme kept coming up: it's not always black and white. We drew comparisons between her falling out with an old mutual friend of ours and my divorce and where those relationships stand now: not black and white. We talked about the dating apps and our pursuits and intentions in that world, what we wanted out of relationships we were seeking: not black and white. Exploring grey areas came up so much that I eventually made a quip that "I live in the grey." "That's a song!" she said. And hell, it definitely sounded like one. "It's a Sloan song!" I replied, and proceeded to sing it doing my best Chris Murphy impression. But I also keyed it into a notes app on my phone, because hey, it's something. And the show was great. Sloan didn't disappoint, and between their songwriting prowess and this new seed of a line floating around in my head, I left feeling inspired.

In my monthly songwriting group, I hit a wall. It's July 10th and I have nothing for June. I finally had a seed of an idea and started writing "I Live In The Grey" in the style of Sloan (or at least my best approximation of a band that, up until recently, I was only passively familiar with). I might try to write something else entirely for June and push this new one to the end of the month to give myself more time to work on it, give it more a of a "full band" approach. I even have a standing offer from a cousin in Lebanon to pop into his studio and lay down some drums on something I write. Could be fun.

And that's all I really wanna report. The general day-to-day and the bulk of most of these posts have been what the month-and-a-bit since the last post has been: Dating is hard. My relationship with the apps goes in ebbs and flows. Work is alright. I wanna move out. Doing stuff with friends helps immensely. It's all there, all the hits.

As long as I continue to feel like I'm working toward something, I think I'll be okay. Sometimes I'm happy and I'm sometimes I'm sad. I'm seemingly happy more than I'm sad and as long as that continues, I'm on the right path, I think. But you need both. It's not always black or white. The grey ain't so bad once you get used to it.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

Expedition

Goodness me, it's been a weird few weeks. But it actually hasn't. I think I'm using that as a turn of phrase to identify that in the intervening weeks since that last post, I've had a few deeply sad and lonely days amidst an otherwise "normal" time. Maybe pepper in a few revelations about what I want out of life and how soon I want it. But technically this is all "normal" ain't it? We go about living our lives in between the milestones of total befuddlement as to how in the hell we got where we are, for better or for worse.

I went to check out a concert last Friday. It was a mostly acoustic show in a tiny little venue, a little tavern/restaurant in Toronto. I remember a time when I was so staunchly anti-city, and that sentiment returned when I was only working out there and still living in Mississauga, but at some point in between then and when I was actually living there (or much closer to it) I romanticized the hell out of it. It was also for the two years that I was single between my first and second stints dating my now ex-wife. I'm starting to think it wasn't the city I was romanticizing, it was the concept of discovering it on my own. Going out mid-week, doing more open mics, getting drunk on a Tuesday and stumbling onto the subway to get home. In a weird way, I romanticized my single-hood at the time, but I also recall it took me so long to get to that place. I remember those times vividly, and for most of them I was miserable.

Part of me feels as if I'm clawing my way back to that sense of wonder and self-discovery, but that misery hits at the exact same time. This show on Friday was the second solo concert I'd been to in the last couple of months, and the feelings were the same each time... Realizing now that I didn't even talk about the first one though it was in March: It was a John Mayer solo acoustic show at ScotiaBank Arena. As I sat alone in my seat with strangers on either side of me waiting for the show to start, I felt that profound loneliness that I thought was reserved for the darkened room in my folks' apartment, in the wee hours of the morning with my face lit up by the glow of my phone. It was there in full force and it was all I could do not to think about how I was the "weird guy all alone at the concert." It's moments like these I feel fortunate that I'm a music guy. The show started, the music took a hold and I settled into it and forgot about those feelings and enjoyed the show. Ironically, my ex happened to be at that show too and I met with her briefly after to "say hi." And it was fine, we were good and amiable but I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel weird. Concerts were an activity we enjoyed together a fair bit when we were, well, together.

So that was the arena show. Flash forward to this past Friday at a tiny little venue, Eric Hutchinson at the Dakota Tavern. I was sitting at some tables with strangers and there's that same familiar feeling, now with the added bonus of this weird pressure I've put on myself to be more outgoing and chatty because "maybe I'll meet someone." The lonely feelings lingered into the opening few numbers of the set and it was a little while before I settled into the distraction, and I don't even know that I fully settled in. It took until after the entire set was over and I was milling around the bar waiting to meet the Eric (he came out afterward to take pictures and chat with fans) that I actually made an attempt to strike up a conversation with a stranger. It was fine, friendly, and I kicked myself for not saying something sooner, but by this point many of us (myself included) were looking to get our photo and chat with Eric and then head out.

I got on the subway home and reflected on the lonely feeling and thought about what I could have done differently....all of these thoughts swirled around instead of me reflecting on the show and that I got to chat with an artist I admired and get a photo with him. I meandered from Kipling to one of my new favourite shawarma joints that was in the area for a late night pick-me-up, still got home early enough to properly wind down for the night. I mean, fuck, it was a pretty great night all in all, both of those shows were...but that feeling man, it's been chasing me. And I'm not even all about the dating thing right now. I threw the apps back on my phone and I can barely stand to look at them, don't even know why they're there.

To get deeper into the thought process, my plan for battling these feelings was to keep my head down and keep working on myself until I get to that inevitable "reinvnention." "It'll be different man. When I have my own place, and a new job in a new town...like Halifax perhaps." Yep, that idea is still on my mind. And It's getting harder and harder to contend with the fact that I'm not there yet now that pretty much everything else has fallen into place. I have all of my independence except for that one key, very important part of it...that accounts for like 98% of it. All of the rare moments when my folks have left the apartment for a night, hell even for an afternoon, are the most joyful and peaceful moments of my entire week or month. I need that feeling. I need to get out. I need to exact and execute the plan of working for a year or a year and a half and then trekking out east to (overdramatic as it fucking sounds): "build a new life." But even that job man...I mean it's going fine, but a year? Year and a half? I don't think I can wait that long anymore. I don't know how much better real estate prices are going to get over here, or how much shittier they're going to get over there over the course of a year.

I'm thinking a lot. Not the first time I've pointed it out, but I know this desire for solitude as well as this profound loneliness are completely at odds...but solitude fucking wins out. I need to get there, to get my head right and be with myself for a while so that I can be ready and willing to be with someone else. I think that's what the hesitance and timidness boil down to, a lack of readiness. But the last piece of the puzzle to get where I need to go emotionally and mentally, is to get the fuck away from everything else physically. The moving away thing. Just like the Japan trip, it started out as kind of a pipe dream, and as time went on it seemed like more and more of a potential reality...or a necessity. I think I gotta do it. I think that I NEED it. And I think I gotta expedite the process. I'm heading out there on vacation in July. Maybe that ought to be more than a vacation. Maybe I ought to start scouting things out, looking for a plot of land to finally finish rebuilding this fucking machine.

It's almost fully operational...almost.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

Resurfacing

Sometimes I feel like these journal entries are just me wandering into dark building and standing at a desk quickly scribbling something in a notepad under low light, before I forget it. At times it feels like a form of bargain bin therapy. "I haven't fully organized my intrusive thoughts in such a manner that I'm ready to present them to someone yet, so instead I'll post them on the internet on a page read by maybe three people." I SHOULD go back and do an actual therapy session again, especially since my benefits should be kicking in soon...

Yes, that brings me to the actual first point of this, I've been at the new job for about a month. Once again, it feels simultaneously like it's both slower than molasses and flying by like a jet plane. It's a good job. I can't say that I love it but I certainly don't hate it. It's kind of silly that that's the benchmark for employment now but I'm fairly certain the few jobs that would skip over that feeling are a little harder to come by (famous musician, captain of industry, professional cookie tester, etc.) But at this current job, the culture is good, the people seem nice, there are occasional fun activities within the team, stuff like that. I do maintain my stance on "the job is a means to end, and if, at the end, there's no means to get my own place then....OFF I fucking go to Nova Scotia." Then I get a place, put down new roots etc. It's all very easy. It's not as if anything can actually change in a year's time right? I'm being facetious, of course it can change, it can all change. But still, it's good to have a game plan.

So that's the long term sorted out...at least in broad strokes. What about here and now? Well, I finally signed up for my first open mic in a while. A milestone that should not be, but as things stand now, it is. I'm slowly trying to get back out there. More open mics will hopefully follow, and I'm signing up for more work events...which is odd for me. I'm so very much about my "own time" these days, especially since living with my folks means there's precious little of it to myself...but I'm opting to spend a Saturday to go and do a walk/run for charity with a bunch of people I haven't known for very long. I'm sure that'll be good for me in some way...and I hope I don't regret it.

And part of me can't help wondering if this is a viable alternative to online dating? Going to do an escape room or a charity walk with new work people who you don't quite feel comfortable with yet, is that a way to meet other people? Well, it shouldn't be, and isn't the end goal. The end goal is just, once again, to step outside of my comfort zone and be a little less precious about how I choose to spend my time (read: fight the urge to want to spend every other waking moment on my own). And this is how you do that apparently. Ya get out. Ya go to an open mic, on a Tuesday night...

"A Tuesday, really? I mean it's mid week...I'm probably gonna miss Jeopardy! I dunno man..."

I have to put those thoughts out of my head. Getting out of one's comfort zone begets positive change. Being social, being open. And being open means leaving your house on a Tuesday night.

Oddly, (and I'm certain I've mentioned this before) a time I can recall these kind of moment-to-moment decisions, trying new things, doing a whole slew of open mics, having drinks on the town in the middle of the week...these things all started happening not too long after...my first break up with the woman who eventually became my (now ex) wife.

Perhaps that's all this really is, or all it really ought to be: A re-rediscovery.

History actually does have a way of repeating itself, huh?

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

Grinding for life EXP

I mentioned something in the last post about how I jump on here and complain when things are bad but occasionally celebrate the wins. Well, I got a fucking job! Decent-sized win there.

It's only been two weeks at it, just starting my third but it's going well. I'm feeling good about things so far. It's another step in the master plan, "the big reset" as I have been wont to call it. Did get a bit of a gut punch after looking at house prices in the area and realizing I had zero chance of affording anything, even on the pretty decent salary I was able to snag as someone new to this line of work....but I did my best to shake it off and resume the plan.

I'm gonna put in a year at this new gig, see where I'm at, see if there's any opportunity for growth. I'm going to check back in with the housing market, will it have gotten better or worse? Can I stay here and still attain the ultimate goal of reclaiming my independence after what has already been over a two year slog that somehow simultaneously felt like an eternity and the blink of an eye? And if the answer is no, we move to Plan B...

At some other point in this journal over the last couple of years I've made mention of the idea of moving out east, something I have romanticized for a little while. I've since wavered a little bit on my absolute commitment to that plan, citing the profoundly sad side-effect of being hundreds of miles away from my family and many of my friends...but the way things are now, it almost seems as if I'd need to do that out of necessity...

Nova Scotia has been calling to me for a while. I have great memories of visiting there as a kid in 2000 on a big road trip with my folks, but the real eastern bug bit me when I visited much later as an adult, visiting a friend who had moved out there. Something just felt right. The following year I was there again and just appreciated the slow pace of living even more. As it stands now, housing prices are a lot more reasonable out there...but naturally that could change in a year. In fact, this whole deal has several factors that need to be taken into account: I would be leaving my family and most of my friends, I would need to secure a job out there, things could be very different there in a year in terms of real estate and cost of living. But is it a bad plan? No, not at all. And the idea of ACTUALLY resetting and finding my place in an entirely new locale is once again equal parts scary and very exciting.

But what about sticking around? Is it doable? Perhaps on two incomes. Meaning I would have to find someone my age (many of which I'm finding are already living on their own) and somehow translate that situation into a long-term "let's live together" thing. That would kill off the whole part of the dream where I finally experience what it's like to live TRULY on my own. Not with a roommate, not with a partner, just me. Is it unrealistic to want to do that first? Kinda seems like it is in this economy, and hey guess what? I fucking hate that. I should be able to live that dream. In fact that SHOULDN'T BE a dream. It should just be a normal, societal thing that is easy to do if you have a decent job and a good head on your shoulders. but alas, it seems the last time anyone my age was able to afford to buy a place of their own, was....when I bought half of a place of my own...with my ex-wife. Fuck man.

But let me claw out of this depressing bullshit and back into the "win celebrating" part of this reflection. I AM through a lot of the tough stuff. I did feel myself slipping back into a lonely oblivion for a second there and the online dating thing is seemingly back to a place where it provides a somewhat healthy distraction from that. It is still a LITTLE bit exhausting though. I got to a point with it where, as per usual, I'm ready to call it quits again for a while. So, as always, I figured I'd try one last blitz where I actually USE the apps for a few weeks and fire off messages and likes and whatever other bullshit is available to me, just to play the numbers game and see what sticks. Actually got a couple of matches, started some conversations, they're attractive, they seem cool...the conversations could fizzle out and die at any moment like they often do....ya know, the usual! I think the important part is being prepare for it and being okay with it. Part of me obviously gets bummed out, but another part of me thinks "I dodged the bullet of having to tell these women I live with my parents, and THEN getting the rejection after that. I did drop the ex bomb on one of them already, so she knows I was previously married and it hasn't scared her away...yet.

That's the other thing man, I never know what the conduct is. Should I just put it in my fucking profile that I'm divorced and living with my folks? It shouldn't be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, it may not even be if they actually took the time to get to know me and understand why and how I got to this place...but it IS. It IS a dealbreaker for a lot of folks. And I just want to get the information out before even asking them on a date because I'd feel guilty about blindsiding them with that info...but should I feel guilty about that? I dunno. Each time I do a run of a few months on these apps I feel like I inch even closer to the acceptance that I just ought not bother even trying until I'm living on my own again. Yet another school of thought on this whole situation, and who's to say whether or not its right?

I do know one thing: Loneliness and hurt is a motherfucker. But it does fade. I am still fighting. The desperation demon does still poke at me every so often and has to catch these damn hands. But despite all this, I am levelling. I mean like...like balanced. Like levelling off, not levelling up....

Wait....

Yeah, you know what? Fuck it.

I'n levelling up.

Like a fucking video game character, I am levelling up. And once I've gathered enough EXPERIENCE points...I'll be stronger than ever.

I'll get there. It's like any game. It takes time to get good.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

The better option...

There's a bunch I want to say...and should say because for the past year or so this tumblr blog has functioned as something of a journal, not just of what's been going on in my life day-to-day, but also to get my bad and sad thoughts out (and occasionally celebrate the wins). I might do good to exorcise a few mild mental demons by sitting here and typing furiously, but the smarter part of my brain is telling me to leave it for another time.

Yeah, I've been lonely again, pining for something lost, thinking about what and who I shouldn't be thinking about. But it's a passing thing, as in...it fucking passes. And one day it will pass permanently. And even though it hasn't yet fully left my mind, I'm still fine. I'm still standing.

Job hunt's going okay, I've been playing a lot of music, writing new stuff and that's going pretty well. Got a friend visiting from out east this week. Sure, I have things to complain about, things that are troubling me...but what I also have is a severe lack of sleep over the last few days. And it's past midnight and I feel the headache coming on, so rather than fire off eight more paragraphs, I'm gonna cool it...for now...and go to sleep. Tomorrow's a new day. Some things feel kinda shitty but others are actually pretty good. Just gotta focus on shifting that ratio more toward the positive.

I'll come back later to complain. But right now I'm alive and I'm okay. Really fucking tired, but okay.

And okay is a hell of a lot better than I've been before.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

Moving Target

I'm doing well.

I seriously just wanted to start one of these god damn posts like that for once, throw everyone off their game.

Realized it mid-conversation with someone recently about how, yeah, the romantic stuff is eluding me but other than that...everything is kinda going according to plan. I finished school which is the thing I set out to do as the first major ball in motion to do this big 'ol reset. I went on my solo trip to Japan and had an incredible time. I'm back in a more steady routine of healthy eating and exercise. The job hunt is going pretty well...

I got an offer to be an IT Support Tech from one company and I'm kinda cool on the offer because of the location, amount of commuting and potential on-call stuff happening real early on in the role...and I'm thinking about turning it down and it seems like I can absolute afford to. The concept of actually being selective is foreign to me. I am definitely nervous about saying no to something but I feel like future Joe will appreciate the forethought.

Fortunately, it seems like a lot of prospects are popping up: pre-interviews, recommendations, the city job where I did my co-op is still on the table in the near future. This is one of the things I was most worried and stressed about going into this stage of things but ultimately I don't want to start out in a job that I know will make me unhappy. But the beauty is I am free to make these choices and I'm feeling more confident about them and about myself. It's a good spot to be in.

I did my first open mic in a while, an event for my brother at his shop and it was a nice opportunity to step back into performing in front of people. I got a better sense of what my brother was doing down there and got to meet the people he worked with. One of them was another musician, older Spanish fellow who made KILLER empanadas that were on the menu for the function that night. He was also a killer guitar player and actually had convinced my brother the night before to pick up his guitar and start playing again. At the end of night this gentlemen and i were trading off songs and playing lead/jamming and I got to jam with my brother which was a nice bit of nostalgia going all the way back to the basement of my parents' old house.

So all is well aside from dating. It's there though, and unavoidable, it hasn't really left my mind. I did get into a good rhythm with it, not letting the apps be too distracting, but I am struggling a little bit with my need for companionship and intimacy, which caused me to start paying a bit more attention to them. I think I've already a mentioned a couple of times that for all the pining and romanticism, I'm still not sure what it is I want or if I'm ready. More and more I start to feel as if I should get the job situation squared away and move out (for the thirds time) before I can even think about properly re-entering the dating world. But if that's the case, not taking a job I don't feel good about may prolong the time it takes to be gainfully employed, in order to start saving money, in order to move out, in order to be more desirable in order to start seriously dating again and etc. etc.

These are the kinds of spirally thoughts I'm working to avoid, and doing a mostly good job I think. As long as I can stay busy and motivated. What's that saying about idle hands? Something something devil's something? I'm gonna try to keep these hands moving at a pretty quick and consistent clip. This is how I'm defying sadness and longing. Keeping busy. Moving. It's a lot harder to hit a moving target.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

Where I am

So I did end up taking the "scheduled time" approach. Its essentially just making sure that I wake up at a reasonable hour and devote a good amount of time (at least an hour each) to working out, applying for jobs and playing guitar. I've ended up putting more than an hour into the jobs and the guitar stuff each day which is good. My sleep was getting better but last night I had another bout of fighting my sleep and then not falling asleep until close to 4am. This can't stand. I don't want to keep getting "regular" and then undoing all of my progress in a single night.

There are certainly still some kinks to work out, but...it's getting better. Doing the all-important and productive tasks of exercising, job-searching and practicing music stuff have certainly helped to take away the guilt of unproductiveness that was a dull fog over the last couple of weeks since my return. Knocking them out in the mornings is especially nice as I'll tend to close out with some guitar and end up noodling for a few hours more just because I have the time, or even throw on a movie or show or a video game. All of that stuff tends to fill me with guilt if I haven't done anything I perceive as "productive" that day. So far this little routine is doing well to eliminate that.

I'm happy to say I'm getting a little traction from the job search already. A few pokes from some recruiters and I already have an interview set up for a gig this week. Those little things do a lot for my confidence and give me the drive to keep at it. I knew it was important to keep applying for jobs as if there were no fish on the line whatsoever, if anything to constantly make sure that if one thing doesn't go well, a new thing isn't far behind. It also instills confidence that this inevitable chain reaction I'm trying to set off can potentially be done much sooner that I thought: Get the job, save the money, look at places, get a place, finally move out. And I'm just now looking at that sentence and thinking about that sentiment as a whole and how dead set I've been on it for the last little while...and how it has absolutely zero trace of the pursuit or preparedness for a romantic relationship. Makes me wonder where I'm at with that and of course I revisit the idea of dismissing those thoughts altogether until I've actually moved out and moved on from my folks' place. At the same time, as much as I hate to say it, I am beginning to feel like browsing through the dating apps every so often these days is proving to be a somewhat healthy distraction to keep me hopeful and keep my gaze away from the past. I've adjusted my profiles slightly to make it clear that my dating goals are, well, unclear. Probably not gonna do much for me in the matching department but, that doesn't really seem to be the main purpose of keeping these apps around anymore. Right now they're seemingly better at an arm's length, and if something happens, it happens. That's the sort of relationship I always strived to have with the apps anyway.

The other thing I'm using this time for is going on what I'm calling a "friendship tour." There are a handful of people I've gotten to see relatively frequently over the last few months, but other friends I have not been fortunate enough to catch up with in quite some time, some pre-pandemic. So I've been making a bunch of plans and getting to spend some much needed time with some people I've missed dearly. Had a nice catch-up sesh with my friends Scott and Mel just this past weekend which was really nice. It reaffirmed the whole thing about friends you haven't seen in a while and being able to pick up right where you left off. That, to me, is a pretty clear mark of a strong bond and I always try to remember to count myself lucky that I have those kinds of people in my life.

Tomorrow I'll be seeing my pal Matt and I'm happy to say we've nailed down an unspoken yet semi-regular schedule of catching up every couple of months. We've had grand plans to collaborate again on some more music projects for what seems like forever, and those haven't really come to fruition yet, but I'll take the opportunity just to catch up with him and his fiancee because ultimately that's the most important thing.

And this coming Saturday I'll be seeing yet another couple that I used to work with over 10 years ago. They hosted a killer halloween party that I used to go to every year. As of now, we haven't seen each other face-to-face since before the pandemic. I always knew these types of relationships were important but I still feel like I may have been taking them for granted for a number of reasons. Just being sort of blind to the folks outside of my own relationships, pandemic isolation, all of this stuff has mentally boosted the importance of these different friendships and also just social interaction in general. Speaking of which, the following weekend I'll be playing at an open mic event hosted at my brother's store in Scarborough. I've been looking more into open mics and other gigs and just general ways to get out of the apartment and out of my comfort zone again. I feel like I've mentioned this before, but there was a sort of magic to when I first moved out to the city about a decade ago and I was on my own just finding places to play and talking to strangers a hell of a lot more often. I feel like it would be good to bring that energy with me to my own locale as there's still a lot of places I haven't been even though I grew up here. That mentality also feels like a little bit of the thrill of Japan rubbing off on me.

Told you it made me a better person. Yet another reason to go back some day.

In the meantime, I'm gonna keep trying to make the most of where I am, literally, figuratively, emotionally, spiritually....

...yeah.

All that shit.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

[whythewords]

Just plain hitting the ground.

My sleep has been all fucked up. I don't know if it's still jet-lag recovery, I think I'm well past that stage. I think this is just general sleep shittiness. Sleep shttiness of my own making, really. For the past few nights I've been falling asleep watching a show or playing a game or editing a travel journal video from my trip and each time I realize I'm falling asleep, I get angry with myself, slap myself awake and then press on. Literally did it moments ago while watching TV, and now I think my body is probably pretty pissed off at me.

The trip was incredible. Truly everything I hoped it would be and more. All that shit in my last post about being "reborn" though...yeah sure, maybe when I got there. Maybe it was a different version of me exploring the streets of Osaka and shakily testing out my limited Japanese on the locals at an open mic. Maybe a different Joe was out there tossing back whiskey sodas with some local folks and some fellow travellers in Tokyo's entertainment district, and drunkenly walking an hour back to the hotel in the middle of the night with a big, goofy smile on my face. But I did not return a changed man, aside from the fact that I am now a man who went to, fell in love with, and vows to someday return to Japan.

Being back home has been kinda rough. I'm usually the first to get homesick on a long trip, and while I thought I was feeling it a little bit on my last day in Tokyo, all of it dissipated shortly after leaving the airport in Toronto and knowing I was resuming a work very much in progress. With school done, there's no more structure to keep my habits in check. Since returning, I've tried to resume a proper workout schedule, to eat better, to sleep better, to use my time better. I haven't been successful in all of those endeavours. I've found myself resuming that familiar zombie state of scrolling endlessly through social media on my phone, and doing that way too much. The mild thrill of the dating apps has become considerably less thrilling and hell of a lot more mild. "Who's going to want an incomplete person?" I keep telling myself.

The solution to this, of course, is to finish the project I've been working on. This long-standing upgraded version of "Joe 2.0, now with new career and a healthier lifestyle!" is still very much a work in progress. I started applying for jobs again. I think part of me was hoping I could skate by on the promise of the city job after speaking to my manager from my co-op terms and getting a promise that he would reach out soon. He hasn't. And truthfully I don't even think I want that role. Something different may be in fact the kick in the ass I deserve, and the challenge I need.

It hasn't been all bad. I've made some headway. But I'm still hung up on old shit. Old habits, old relationships. I don't know if I can pinpoint one thing that's setting off the chain reaction to cause the absolute worst culprit of this weird, dark funk I've found myself in: the poor use of time. It's despicable. Now I have too much of it and I'm using a lot of it to veg. I was meant to hit the ground running when school was over. "I'll finish up, I'll head to Japan, and I'll hit the ground running as soon as I get back." That's what I kept telling myself. That's what I kept telling other people! I was meant to hit the ground running but ended up just plain hitting the ground. There's probably a lyric in there somewhere.

Anyway, something that I have often resolved to do at times like these (but never actually followed through with) is to fire up Excel and plan out my days. A little schedule to devote x amount of hours to this, y amount of hours to that. Maybe I'll try that. Maybe it'll help. Maybe another therapy session. Maybe there's something more wrong with me. I thought about that one quite a bit today...how extremely, incredibly privileged I am to have been able to go on the trip of a lifetime that I planned almost every single part of...and to come back and have the audacity to be fucking sad. Is that normal?

Well, if anything it's a sign that I'm going to have to try a different approach to this whole self-improvement thing. The end goal is the same as it's always been. Find a job, save some money, move the fuck out of this apartment, find love. Those are some lofty fucking goals. But they're all doable, I think. They're all I really should be focused on.

Time to hit the ground again but actually fucking run this time.

Wish me luck.

#life of joe #not so daily journal