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#I don’t want to be lonely or ugly or unloveable or a lesbian or have my personality
delete-xsoondude · 2 years
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I hate how lonely I am. I hate how detached from other people I am. I hate how mentally ill and useless I am.
I hate being a lesbian. I hate what being a lesbian has done to me and the path it has paved for me.
I hate so much about who I am but I’m stuck here in this world with the way it is and with the people in it who will forever hate me for being a lesbian
I’m going to die ugly and alone and unloved and there isn’t anything I can do to change it because I’m an idiot that is picky while also being unappealing. I just wish I could sleep forever and never wake up because I don’t want to deal with any of this anymore. I’m tired. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of breathing. I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of having to go on.
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MAJOR SELF HARM TW
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kevinstansanonymous · 3 years
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High School but Gayer and Worse
Aka the tma/wtnv high school au crossover you didn’t want but I still provided
WTNV Cast: Cecil: runs the morning announcements, is the assembly narrator and does sports commentary
Carlos: resident mad scientist, blew up the chem lab freshman year, his scientists are other freshman who live in awe and terror of his shitty chem skills
Old Woman Josie: the nice librarian lady
The Angels: weird library kids who follow Josie around
Earl Harland: that one kid in every culinary class, you swear he’s been a junior for as long as you’ve been there
Tamika Flinn: freshman girl who feels really strongly about banned books in high school
Leann Hart: rival underground school newspaper, is suspected of causing the “mysterious accident” that put the online social media team in the hospital
City Council: principal & vice principal
Station Management: the office
The Interns: freshman who help Cecil out, they keep getting in accidents/getting sick so none ever last more than two days (except for the lesbian freshman of course)
Michelle: first chair cellist in the school orchestra, plays percussion in school band, one of the school's top trend setters
Maureen: sophomore who survived being a freshman intern, she keeps getting in what look like fatal car accidents but miraculously surviving with no harm
Kevin: was raised atheist but sophomore year created an entire religion, managed to convert half the school before faculty could get involved
Charles: new Mormon kid really interested in Kevin’s cult and also Kevin
TMA Cast: Jon: runs the school newspaper, that one kid who always asks really uncomfortable personal questions
Martin: sunshine boy, has a giant crush on Jon, went through his edgy phase sophomore year when he became friends with Peter
Elias: that shitty rich prep kid
Peter: the even richer shitty prep kid, family owns a yacht which he never shuts up about
Melanie: volleyball lesbian (she’s the spiker), her slaughter record is her deliberately aiming the ball so it hits other girls’ faces
Basira: runs one of sports team, is top of her class
Gerry: weird library kid who came up with the high school fears, caused a school wide supersitution about it
Georgie: class president and also gsa leader, once stood up to the principal which is where she got her no fear rep
Jude: no one’s sure how she got in here, everyone’s pretty sure she’s been expelled five times but she’s always there in the locker rooms offering freshman cigarettes
Agnes: prep kid that every lesbian in school has a crush on, may or may not be under police investigation for arson
Daisy: runs the chess club, school rumors about her previous anger issues but no one has any proof, had an accident and was in a coma for sophomore year
Tim: high school sweetheart, had to move away after junior year
The High School Romance™ Drama: Elias and Peter are the shitty high school couple that dramatically breaks up and gets back together every two weeks. Their drama shamelessly gets involved with everyone else's drama
Cecil and Carlos are the school’s It Couple™, they won homecoming king and king (which is this au’s version of their marriage)
Martin has a giant crush on Jon and Cecil tries to help him out using the morning announcements, cue horrible shenanigans and mishaps
Jude still has a Massive Crush on Agnes
Maureen and Maurice are still a power hipster couple, rumor has it they once single handedly crushed a freshman beneath their power
The principal, vice principal, and the entire office are all in a giant polycule
Kevin and Charles aren’t subtle at all and people keep walking into them making out in very obvious places
Steve and Abby are the brave out straight couple, they adopted freshman Janice
General Fackts™: Kevin’s broadcasts are when he locks Cecil out of the broadcasting room and takes over for the day
Cecil and Kevin are twins but their parents divorced and raised them separately (cue parent trap)
Martin performs poetry at the talent contest to confess to Jon, Jon doesn’t get it, (cue shenanigans)
Martin ends up becoming friends with Peter sophomore year, it goes terribly, (cue depressing shenanigans)
Jon and Cecil have a bitter rivalry because Jon thinks Cecil isn’t professional enough as a reporter and Cecil thinks Jon’s sweater looks dumb
There is at one point a school fashion show, the school never recovered from the damage
(Fears under the cut since this is getting long)
The Fears but in puberty this time
Vast:  fear of the largeness of the world, "Where will I go after this?"
Buried: fear of being trapped into a career path, or alternatively just normal claustrophobia, "what if I don't actually want to do this?"
Web: fear of being used, "what if they don't actually care about me?", "what if i'm being manipulated?"
Slaughter:  fear of disapproval from authority figures, "is my mom going to be mad at me?"
Lonely: fear of being unlovable, "what if no one ever likes me?"
Hunt: fear of being targeted or bullied, "will people come after me for who i am?"
Flesh: fear of being ugly or unattractive, or judged based on your body, "do people think i'm pretty?", "will they hate me for how i look?", "is my body good enough?"
End: fear of the unknown that comes after graduation, "what comes after?", "will i survive the real world?"
Corruption: well... fear of bugs, or fear of changing for the worse, "will things ever get better instead?" “Is that a fucking cockroach infestation in the locker room???” (god i hate public school)
Dark: fear of the dark, fear of the occult, "are ghosts real?", "can these superstitions hurt me?"
Desolation: fear of it all crashing down, fear of failing school or your grades being ruined, "are things this good really sustainable?"
Eye: fear of being known, of having your secrets exposed, "does anyone know?"
Spiral: fear of dwindling mental health due to school, “can i really go through another year?”
Stranger: fear of the people around you becoming strangers, fear of not knowing things, "My friends are acting different then they were before” “I don’t recognize anyone in this classroom”
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recoversuggestions · 6 years
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hi. ive been struggling with depression, body dysmorphia, & anxiety (general & social) for about 5 years, and disassociation for about 3. im 18, a lesbian who's still trying to accept herself, and im extremely lonely and hate my job. my best friend & 2 other friends moved away for college, and i only have 1 friend left here but we never hang out. i hate my job bc of my mental stuff. it makes it extremely hard for me. on top of that, i don't have my driver license (again bc of my mental stuff)...
…i’m not really a good driver, and my parents are sick of it and keep telling me to find a job near my house bc they’re not going to drive me to work anymore, they always bitch at me and call me lazy. i never eat healthy anymore, i usually eat one meal a day and its usually junk food. i rarely drink water and i never exercise. i want to be healthy, but with my mental illnesses i just cant. even when i get 8-10 hours of sleep, i’m still exhausted. idk what to do. ive thought of suicide…
…but i just cant bring myself to actually do it even though i want to so badly. i hate my life and i feel like nothing matters. i always feel ugly, worthless, lazy, unhealthy, tired, lonely, and unloveable.
Hi anon. First of all, I just want to thank you for sending this message. It was extremely brave and I am so proud of you for asking for help. 
Do you take any medications? Have you seen a psychiatrist or a therapist?  If your insurance will cover it (and most do) you could try scheduling an appointment with them. That being said those appointments are sometimes scheduled so far out in advance and you’d have to wait awhile. I understand how it is to feel paralyzed and stuck by your mental illness even if you want to get better. It’s tough and I wish I could give you a big hug and help you in person. My advice if you are feeling suicidal daily and you are suffering is to go to the ER and go to the inpatient unit. It is scary and I have been there before but going inpatient helped me so much. You’ll get daily meals, drink plenty of water and have plenty of time to think and focus on yourself. You’ll also see a psychiatrist and a therapist and meet so many amazing people in your area. We are just a tumblr account and there is only so much advice and support we can give online. With you having friends so far away it sounds like you need to build that support up. If going inpatient is to scary for you (which for some it can be) visit the NAMI website and see if they have a local support group in your area. Are there any hospitals where you could enroll in a partial hospitalization? That is intensive therapy very similar to Inpatient where you don’t stay overnight. 
Please please stay strong, anon and message us again if you need anything. The fact that you messaged us shows me that you do want to get better. I believe in you. Don’t hesitate to reach out. Lots of love, Laila. - @lmisterk
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spacemuffinz · 6 years
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The problem with the world today is everyone is too afraid to punch a bitch. Everyone just wants to be a bystander.
I was physically and mentally abused from age 2. Which literally broke me. I was brainwashed. Gaslighted. Scared to sleep. Scared to be alone. Scared of adults. Scared of kids. Untrustful. Unsocialized. I was basically afraid of everything and everyone. I never learned how to make friends. I was never allowed to have any. I was never allowed to talk to anyone. Felt like no one wanted to talk to me. I would just exist in my own head and draw a lot and listen to music. I shut everything out forever. Behind a wall of bitter anger and bitter comedy and shitty bitterness.
I had one friend who was a few years younger than me cuz she lived next door and we went to different schools but she always got along with my little sister better cuz they're closer in age.
and then I was bullied so fucking hard in school. Since day one in kindergarten. A boy put paint in my butt-length hair. And then i got punished for it when i got home.
I was suicidal by 4th grade. Chronically depressed. Bad grades. No self esteem. No will to live. Just fucking broken. I didn't know who to ask for help or how. Everyone thought it was just adhd. And i got beat for being "obnoxious". No one helped me with my homework. "I wouldnt need help if I'd pay attention in class". I have a comprehension disability. Knowledge doesnt stick for long. And i told my parents about my school bullies and they were basically nonplussed. Didnt give a single fuck. Its just school. Its just 30 hours a week of soul flaying torment. Its just your whole tiny world against you. but kids in africa only eat ricewater once a week so youre not allowed to have feelings pertaining to your own shitty life cuz everyone has it worse than you.
The abuse never stopped. The kids made fun of me for being abused and unloved. The kids at my babysitters would shove me and lock me in the small toybox all the time. And it was me vs 4 people. And when I'd tell on them They'd say i was lying and colaborate their stories. So i just gave up and let them do whatever they wanted to me. School kids would fake being my friend just to squeeze my horror stories out of me for their own amusement. They'd call me a freak and dumptruck and dumb stupid shit and it fucked me up so hard. Especially cuz i was also the fattest girl in my grade. And poor. And all my clothes were trashy. I was the weird lone emo goth kid in my whole school. So then kids started calling me a lesbian. I didnt want to go to school. But i didnt want to be at home. Ever.
And then i was forced to go to church even tho i hated it and made friends with the way older choir teacher cuz i love music and then he took _serious_advantage_ of me. But no one believed me even tho he went to prison cuz i was fat and ugly and a lesbian and i obv just wanted to ruin the poor guy's life for no reason.
And the whole time all that was happening, i was conditioned into never fighting back. Ever. My mom never even stood up for me. Or herself. So why should i. And all my stuff was taken away. Including my bedroom door. And tv and radio and bedframe. And my windows were nailed shut so i couldnt run away. My 2nd story bedroom. and i was grounded to my room for the whole summer without any ac or fan. Because of an F in math. Basically solitary confinement other than food and toilet. When i was 12..
So I rolled over and took it all. Like ur supposed to do. Right? If u fight back then ur just like the bully D: and what's a smol fat girl going to do to a grown man. Sometimes he'd beat me so hard i would just pray for death. I'd tell him to just finally kill me like he'd threatened to my whole life.
But no.
I realize now at fucking 30 that most if not all of my problems would have either been solved or at least a lot different if i learned how to punch a bitch out. But i have no spine. Or nerve.
The reprimand is easier to deal with than the ptsd and bpd that resulted.
If it was just shitty kids or just shitty parents it'd been fine. But it was both. I had no solace. Or safe space. I was just everyone's prey. And it permanently damaged me. They were all just sadistic narcissistic sociopathic pieces of shit. I was just a sad and lonely girl.
Please. Don't be like me. Fight for yourself. Fight for your rights. Fight for those smaller and more defensless than yourself. Be a good human.
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