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#I’m just so lost and scared and in pain and lonely
urdepressedslut · 8 months
Note
Hello lovely,
I saw your post that your requests are open, so I will give it a try =)
Imagine Bucky and reader are best friends but they have a huge argument and now they don't talk to each other for days. She's feeling really bad, missing him. He is her most important person and now without interacting with him for days, she's feeling lost and lonely and heartbroken. Maybe she has not a super power and is only a normal human, helping the Avengers with IT or something. Due to the argument with her best friend and not talking to Bucky (Bucky ignores her completely) she begins to feel it not only mental but also physically. She can't eat probably and at the end falls deathly sick.... With a fluffy happy ending and a worried and protective Bucky
Please. That would be nice.
Take care honey
oh my goodness— my heart 😭❤️ the angst is gonna hurt, but i’m such a sucker for it. i had so much fun writing this one, thank you for requesting and i hope you like it🥰
Love Hurts
♡ Pairing: Beefy!Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader
♡ Summary: You and Bucky get into a heated argument, things are said and done and now he won’t speak to you. You don’t think you can handle him ignoring your existence.
♡ Warnings: language, mentions of bucky’s trauma, heavy angst, malnourishment, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, minor injuries, hospitalization, suicidal ideation, self hate, literally hurt just writing this
main masterlist
MINORS DO NOT INTERACT | MATURE CONTENT 18+
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Your nails bit into your palm, denting the flesh— threatening to pierce the delicate skin. It was all to hold yourself back, distract you from the words that wanted to burst out.
It was becoming a sickening routine, Bucky was reckless and had yet another near death experience on his recent mission. The anxiety and the nerves stopping your body from functioning— the dreaded wait for his jet to arrive back at the compound. You shouldn’t have to be used of receiving the call that he had yet again made a reckless move— but you were starting to discover a pattern.
It did nothing to ease the panic that swirled in your chest every time he left for missions. You’d sob, throwing up everything you had eaten that day— unable to stomach anything with the idea that Bucky was on a mission. You never found your anxiety to be so severe— but when Bucky was even mentioned about going on a mission… it spiked.
That’s where you found yourself in his room, watching him pace the space— avoiding your frustrated stare. You weren’t angry at him per say— you were angry that he didn’t value his life.
“Seriously (Y/n)— you get so worked up over nothing. I’m here and alive— isn’t that enough?” He exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration.
You pressed your nails tighter to your palm, yet the pain couldn’t stop your thundering thoughts.
“You’re here and alive now, until you do some stupid shit like this again and are dead!” You hissed, trying to keep your voice low but you didn’t know how much longer you could control yourself.
He glared at you, squinting his eyes in anger and then rolling his eyes.
“Oh for fucks sake— can you stop fucking babying me? I can handle myself!” He raised his voice, his metal arm whirring.
“I’m not babying you— I’m just scared you’re gonna get yourself killed. Do you care about your life at all?” You asked him aggressively, your voice raising just a tad.
He took a long pause, staring at you with his face void of emotion— only annoyance.
“Not really.” He admitted.
You were taken back, although you had these conversations with him a time or twenty. It was an ongoing process to get him to slowly love himself— his past as The Winter Soldier torturing his soul. He was so convinced he wasn’t deserving of anything, not even a roof over his head. It was a struggle to help him, but you weren’t going to give up on him.
“You realize if anything ever happened to you I—” Your voice broke, needing a breath, “Buck I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”
You thought you saw his eyes flash with guilt, but before you could linger on the look for too long— his face was hardening again.
“That doesn’t sound like my problem.” He mumbled out, making your eyes widen.
You were extremely taken back from those words, your chest aching painfully— him not knowing what effect those words had on you.
“Are you fucking serious?” You asked him, your face morphing into a hurt expression, mixed with anger. “Can you just do your job without trying to kill yourself?”
His face grew red with rage and he was stomping up towards you— his face inches from yours.
“I am doing my job— very well in fact. Unlike you who just fucking sits here doing nothing!” He defended himself, his breath hitting your face in warm pants.
“Doing nothing? Buck— why are you like this?” You puffed your chest, not backing down from his towering form.
But your words seemed to have hit a nerve, as he shrunk back slightly, narrowing his gaze at you.
“Like what?”
You furrowed your brows, slowing your racing heart from the shouting— you weren’t sure you had said anything bad. Did you?
“What?” You squeaked out, nervous now.
“You said, why am I like this… like what?” He pushed, stepping closer to you now, his face still red with anger but you could see the hurt in his eyes.
You swallowed and wondered how to convince him you didn’t mean anything bad by what you said. But you were almost positive it would be an impossible task to get Bucky to listen.
“Buck, I didn’t mean anythin—”
“What— you think I’m not capable of doing my job? You think I’m still the monster hydra made me?” He spat, his chest rising and falling quicker.
“No, no Buck listen—”
That was definitely not what you meant, you could tell he was spiraling and you were still confused as to why. You would never make him think that.
“After 70 fucking years I finally have a job that I like— that I enjoy doing— I fucking help people! I’m finally doing some good and now you’re telling me I’m not capable of doing it?” He boomed, his chest puffing into yours and your stumbled back slightly. “You think I’m only capable of being a monster? Huh? Is that what you fucking think?”
You were growing scared now, the look in his eyes wild with something and you didn’t like how close he was to you— you knew he’d never hurt you but your fear overwhelmed your senses.
“Friday— call Steve and Sam in here now!” You shouted into the room, and Bucky’s eyes squinted painfully— his metal arm whirring again.
Bucky only saw one thing— you didn’t reassure him that he was thinking irrationally. You didn’t correct him that he wasn’t the monster. Instead you called for help, that you were clearly scared— because you thought he was a monster.
He was at a loss for words and just stared at you, almost through you— as his breathing was only getting heavier at the sight of your fearful eyes.
Not even minutes later, Steve and Sam were busting through the door, taking in the scene and separated you and Bucky.
“Hey— what’s going on?” Steve asked in between the two of you. “Buck, what’s wrong man?”
You couldn’t seem to find the words and just stood speechless as well— the fight startling you. This was one of the worst ones, and it was also one that still left you confused. You cursed yourself for not being careful enough with your words— but it was almost impossible to get through to him when he was on the brink of having an episode.
Sam walked closer to you, his facing morphing into concern as he took in your shocked expression.
“(Y/n)? You okay? Did he hurt you?” Sam whispered, keeping his words only between you two.
You slowly shook your head but still didn’t respond verbally.
“Okay, okay that’s good. You wanna go get a drink from downstairs? Why don’t we take a breather okay?” Sam suggested softly, big brother mode kicking in at the sight of your frazzled state.
Without another word, you left the room with Sam— missing the devastated look from Bucky.
Steve waited until the door shut, then his attention was back on Bucky.
“Buck, you gotta talk to me man— what happened?” He asked softly, watching his friend slowly relax, but it wasn’t from being in a relaxing mood— his body and mind were just exhausted from the argument.
“I fucked everything up. That’s what happened.” He mumbled, turning away from Steve to sit on the edge of his bed.
Steve followed behind but stood in front of him, shaking his head— ready to argue.
“You didn’t mess anything up, arguments happen. You guys will work it out. I know how much you mean to each other.” Steve pointed out, watching Bucky’s face unchanging.
“You didn’t see the way she looked at me— she’s scared of me I—” He shuttered, his breath shaky as he remembered your look, “I fucking scared her.”
Steve’s chest ached, the state of his friend breaking his heart. He knew Bucky meant no harm, and he almost for a fact knew that you knew that too. But Bucky for sure didn’t believe that himself.
“I didn’t see what you saw, but I can guarantee you that she’s not afraid of you. This is (Y/n) we are talking about. You are her world Buck.” Steve tried to convince him.
Bucky shook his head, running his flesh hand through his hair.
“I think I just need to stay away from her for awhile.” Bucky came up with instead.
Steve immediately started shaking his head, knowing that was the last thing he needed.
“Bucky I—”
“Please Steve… I just need some space.” Bucky pleaded, his body sagging in exhaustion.
Steve couldn’t find it in himself to argue with him anymore about this. Maybe he did need some time to himself, to cool down and gather his thoughts. Also Steve wasn’t going to force him to anything ever. After the years his pal went through— he would never make him do anything. He had enough things decided for him, and Steve wasn’t about to stoop to hydra’s level.
Meanwhile down in the kitchen, Sam was getting you a glass of water— standing across from your seated form at the island. He slid the cup across, sending a worried glance at you.
“(Y/n)?” Sam snapped his fingers getting your attention.
You were shaken from your state of staring, but even snapped out of the trance— the anxieties still swirled within you.
“Yeah sorry… I’m here.” You whispered, grabbing the glass and taking a tiny sip.
Sam gave you a quizzical expression, watching you start to slip back into a mindless stare— so he spoke up.
“You wanna tell me what happened?” He asked, genuinely curious what had went down.
He knew— hell everyone knew you and Bucky were extremely close. Best of friends, always there for one another— dancing on the line of strictly friends to lovers. Truthfully, Sam found it completely obnoxious and just wanted you two together already.
“I don’t really know… I think I said the wrong thing— I didn’t mean to make him upset.” You confessed, keeping your eyes on the countertop, not risking a glance to Sam.
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up— mistakes happen. I’m sure he’ll forgive you.” Sam told you.
You shook your head, gripping the cup tighter.
“God I hope so… I don’t know what I’d do without him.” You whispered pathetically, tears welling in your eyes.
Sam reached out to rub your arm comfortingly, trying to relax you so you didn’t start crying. He hated to see you cry— made his heart hurt.
“It’s been a long day for everyone, why don’t you go head upstairs and get some sleep. I’m sure things will have blown over by tomorrow.” He suggested and you finally met his gaze, smiling weakly and nodding.
Without saying goodbye, you stood up and headed to your room. Taking Sam’s words and playing them on repeat in your head.
Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow would be better.
God had you hoped that was the case— it only was the beginning on the torment.
You had slept in longer than usual, but overall felt refreshed. The first thing that came to mind when fully waking up was Bucky. Immediately you headed downstairs to find him— needing to talk with him— apologize.
Making it down to the kitchen, you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding in at the sight of him sitting at the island— sipping at his coffee. You furrowed your brows, thinking he'd be done with his coffee by now, since you had slept in. Your chest ached with guilt with the possibility that he didn't sleep well.
You took a deep breath before making yourself known, although you were sure be could sense you in the room— considering he was a super soldier.
"Morning Buck." You announced, walking around the island so you could face him.
He kept his gaze down at his coffee, finding the cup more interesting than you.
Okay, that’s fair. You thought, you most probably deserved that reaction.
“You sleep okay?” You asked again, picking at the skin on your nails nervously.
Again— he didn’t even lift his head. In fact, he wasn’t even acknowledging you. You waited several minutes for a response, the silence becoming thick with tension and you couldn’t stand it.
“Bucky?” You tried, and this time he lifted his head.
Your heart twinged in your chest at his bloodshot eyes, clear evidence that he hadn’t gotten good sleep. You hated yourself for causing him the stress, especially knowing he was just starting to actually get hours of sleep. It was huge progress compared to his nights either screaming awake or just staring at the walls. But now you had to go and ruin all that progress. You felt sick to your stomach— disgusted with yourself.
“I’m really sorry about last night… I didn’t like how ugly it got and I’m sorry if I said something to upset you— you know I’d never intentionally hurt you.” You told him, picking more aggressively at your nails, causing to nail beds to bleed.
You swallowed nervously when he didn’t answer right away, instead staring at you with… what was that? Disgust? You didn’t know, but you hated the look altogether.
“Bucky, please say something.” You pleaded.
Bucky lowered his gaze to his coffee again, taking a minute before he stood up and looked your way.
“I just need some space.” He told you quietly.
You were relived to have him finally talk to you, but to hear him suggest space between you two— you could almost feel the knife digging into your chest. You tried to keep a neutral expression but otherwise felt your bottom lip quiver.
Without giving you time to respond, Bucky was walking out of the room— leaving you standing there speechless, lungs begging for air. You didn’t want your mind to go immediately to that thought, but you couldn’t ignore it either— he hated you.
“Hey babe, I need you to help me out in the lab tod—” Tony came busting into the room, but immediately shut up once he saw your broken expression. “Honey, what’s wrong? You alright?”
You nodded your head, lying to him and yourself and started waving him off with the fakest smile.
“Yeah— yeah I’m good. Just need to uh— need to get some things done.” You told him, your eyes darting all around the room, the familiar feeling of panic seeping into your being.
Tony gave you a ‘really?’ look and stepped closer to you.
“(Y/n) I’m not blind— I can see you’re upset. Talk to m—”
“Seriously Tony— I’m fine! Just leave it alone!” You told him a little too aggressively.
His face was taken back and you felt guilty immediately, cursing yourself for hurting everyone.
Why are you such a fucking issue? Your mind screamed at you.
You didn’t waste another second and sped walked out of the room, needing to calm yourself down before you ran into any one else. You were spiraling and you needed to just relax— take a deep breath. Maybe you just needed one more day and things would be back to normal.
Yeah… just one more day.
You had hoped that was the case as well… but as always— things only got worse.
Bucky refused to talk to you or even look at you. He’d given you the cold shoulder for almost two weeks now. He would get up and leave the second you entered the room. He couldn’t stand you it seemed.
You couldn’t keep hiding your hurt. At first, you had done a good job at hiding how you were really feeling. Saving the sobbing and attacks for when you were alone in your room. As the days lingered on, you found yourself weak and drained— you didn’t have enough energy to put up a charade anymore.
The whole team were sending you worried looks, and attempted to talk with you. But the second they’d try— you’d bolt. The subject was too sensitive, too raw. You didn’t want to talk to anyone but Bucky— and he hated you.
You had missed so many meals, forgetting to eat with your mental struggles throughout the days. You had been getting no more than two hours of sleep. You were so stressed, so stuck in your own mind that you couldn’t function. Even when you had managed to remember to eat, your stomach would knot up to the point that you were throwing everything up. You were gaunt, basically a real life zombie. You needed help— but you needed Bucky more.
You were laying in bed staring unknowingly into space, it had been hard to focus with no food or sleep in your system— so you had only managed to lay here. Even that was exhausting, no matter how much you laid around— your mind wouldn’t stop the assault. Your anxiety had never been this bad, you were a prisoner to it.
Knocking at your door had you jumping, your heart racing— and for a moment you forgot where you were.
You’re in the compound… yeah that’s right.
You slowed your breathing and swung your legs sluggishly over the edge of the bed to answer it. You weren’t prepared for the sudden dizzy spell, your vision spotting with black and white specks. You tried to blink it off, but suddenly you were toppling to the ground.
You fell to the floor with a loud thump, luckily landing on your front, your hands somehow catching most of your fall— you could already feel the throbbing in your palms.
You didn’t hear the persistent knocking, or the door open. You didn’t even hear the voice speaking from the doorway. It was when a hand landed on your shoulder that you were gasping, forgetting your surroundings once again.
Your eyes met Steve’s and you swore your heart was about to beat out of your chest.
“(Y/n) are you alright?” He asked you, hovering his hands over you— not sure what you had hurt.
You furrowed your brows, looking him over.
“Steve what are… what are you doing here?” You asked genuinely confused.
You watched Steve’s eyes widen and he swallowed nervously— his expression growing more concerned.
“(Y/n) it’s okay… I’ve got you.” Steve hushed, and he was pulling you into his chest, hugging you protectively.
You were still confused but then you tasted one of your stray tears, and you immediately came to your senses. You were crying in Steve’s arms… but why? You were having gaps of time missing from you, this wasn’t the first time this had happened— you just didn’t seem to care.
“Steve… my head hurts.” You slurred into his chest, sagging against him.
You were grateful that he was here, you desperately needed someone around. You were just hoping that someone would’ve been Bucky.
“Okay, let’s get you to Helen. She’s gonna take care of you, okay?” Steve asked you, and you could only give a weak nod.
He knew there was no way you were walking there, so he hoisted you up into his arms, and cradled your head as he started to the med bay.
You just stared blankly at his chest, not really caring if Steve were to throw you off the roof of the building. You just didn’t care.
Steve had gotten you down to her, and she checked you out. Alerting Steve that you were extremely malnourished, dehydrated— an insomniac. She kept listing off all the things Steve was afraid to hear. The whole time he was sure you didn’t hear a thing, although you were in the room— you were just checked out.
Helen eventually left, and Steve took his opportunity to speak with you. He pulled up a chair next to the hospital bed and grabbed your hand.
“(Y/n), what’s going on? You can talk to me— you can’t keep doing this to yourself. Please… just talk to me.” Steve whispered, pleading with you that you would stop torturing yourself.
“He hates me.” You mumbled.
Steve’s eyes widened and he frowned, knowing what you meant. He knew he let this go on for too long.
“(Y/n) he doesn’t hate you. He just needed time to himself, so he co—”
“I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, I don’t even know what I said to hurt him but I—” You rushed out, the heart monitor beeping frantically, “I’m a horrible person, I didn’t mean to— I didn’t mean to!”
You wheezed out, clutching your chest as you couldn’t catch your breath. Your cheeks glistened with a steady stream of tears, your wheezing only growing by the second.
“Okay, okay (Y/n)— I need you to slow your breathing. You’re okay, he doesn’t hate you. Just take deep breaths okay— even if you can’t just try. I’m here.” He tried to coach you, but this wasn’t his thing.
Now he was starting to get mad at his friend, Bucky shouldn’t of let this go on for this long.
You followed his chest rising and falling, staring at him as he tried to calm you down. Your breaths were heavy and painful sounding. Steve was about to say something but stopped himself when he saw your eyes look behind him.
He turned and saw Bucky standing in the doorway— his face paled. Truthfully, he looked like he was going to be sick.
“(Y/n)?” He whispered, his heart breaking at your state.
He had ran into Helen in the kitchen and was informed of your condition— he didn’t believe it and had to see for himself. He was shocked to find you like this.
Your tears only edged on from his appearance and you shook your head in shame.
“I’m sorry Bucky! Whatever I did, I’m sorry!” You sobbed and Bucky ran to the bed, kneeling down and taking your hands into his.
“Doll it’s okay, you’re okay. I’m here— I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you… I’m sorry.” He rushed out, shushing your cries, watching you slow your breathing at his words. “There we go, just keep breathing with me. I’m here, you’re okay.”
He kept repeating himself, making sure you knew he wasn’t going anywhere.
Steve knew you were in good hands and slowly snuck out of the room— knowing you two needed to talk.
Bucky tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear, letting his fingers trail down your cheek to your jaw. You couldn’t help the way your face leaned into his touch, it felt like it had been forever since the last one.
Your breathing had slowed down, and now you just stared up at him— eyes glossy with more tears. You felt so many emotions. You felt relived, but also angry and hurt. Above all— you needed to know what you did to upset him. The guilt still ate away at your heart, and even just the memory of the argument had your chest aching.
“What did I do?” You whispered, making his eyes shoot up to yours, concern painting his face.
“You didn’t do anything.” He told you, and you furrowed your brows.
You were still anxious— he hadn’t answered your question. Even more so— if you didn’t do anything then why did he ignore you?
“Then why?”
“Why what (Y/n)?” He dared to ask, and you scoffed— ripping your hands out of his.
The anger was approaching.
“Why did you shut me out?” You wondered, and he only let his eyes cast down to the bed— making you angrier. “You ignored me for two weeks! Two fucking weeks you just acted as if I didn’t exist! Do you know how much that fucking hurts?”
You were breathing heavy again, but this time it wasn’t from panic— it was the full force of all your anger bursting out.
He lifted his eyes to you, and you saw how broken he looked. How your state had affected him.
“I could never do that to you Buck— I would never do that to you! You’re my everything! I don’t trust anyone as much as I trust you!” You raised your voice, while he stayed silent. “If I didn’t do anything then why would you— why—”
You broke out into a sob, covering your face with your hands. You felt good getting all the built up anger out— but now you felt extremely guilty. The pitiful face of Bucky staring at you, causing your heart to hurt all over again. It didn’t matter what happened, you always ended up hurting others.
“(Y/n) I’m so sorry I— god I fucked up. I didn’t ever mean to hurt you, please know that. You’re my other half, and no one has ever been there for me like you have.” He spoke through a tight throat, swelling with emotion.
You uncovered your face and just stared at him a little longer, still incredibly hurt from his actions— but you knew you couldn’t stay mad at him. You so badly wanted to forgive and forget— and just wrap him in your arms like you both needed.
“It’s hard to explain what’s wrong with me to someone when I don’t even understand what’s wrong with me— I just know I’m fucked up. I’m broken beyond repair.” His voice broke, his own eyes welling with tears.
You didn’t have it in you to keep up an angry facade, and so you reached out and took his hand in yours. His face almost immediately lit up, his breathing slowing at your touch.
“Try me.” You whispered, watching Bucky take a deep breath before he spoke again.
“The night of our fight…” He started, and you swallowed in having to remember that night. “I had never seen you look at me like that.”
You stayed silent, afraid to open your mouth and have a sob escape. You could feel it bubbling up— the memory playing back through your mind.
“You looked at me like you were scared. You looked at me like I was a monster.” He confessed and it all made sense to you now.
It wasn’t about what you said, it was your reaction that disturbed him to no ends. Even if you couldn’t control your reaction in the moment— you still felt guilty for causing him pain of remembering the hydra days.
“Oh Buck…” You whimpered, trying to pull him close— but he pulled away before he could reach your embrace.
“No— you don’t get to be nice to me after what I did. I promised I would never hurt you and I did— you’re in here because of me! I don’t deserve your forgiveness!” He raised his voice, and you weren’t scared of him— just concerned.
“I wasn’t scared of you Bucky, you just caught me off guard. Things were heated— I’m not afraid of you and I most definitely don’t think you’re a monster.” You tried to convince him.
“I really hope you’re not lying because if you were afraid of me… god I don’t know what I’d do. If you never wanted to see me again— that’s fine. Whatever you want, but I can’t live knowing you’re afraid of me.” He whimpered out.
“I wouldn’t lie to you.”
He nodded his head, knowing damn well you’d never lie. That was one thing he loved about you— you were so honest. Keeping it real with him, even if he didn’t wanna hear it. He could count on you for the truth.
“I still don’t deserve your forgiveness.” He argued.
“Well too bad, I’m forgiving you anyway.” You finally told him and he felt his chest expand.
Like he could finally breath.
“Why?” He wondered.
You knew it was the line you two had been dancing on forever— but you knew if there was ever a time to say it. It was now.
“Because I love you.” You admitted quietly.
His eyes widened just slightly, and his breath stuttered. He had always had a feeling what you two had was more than friends, he just never spoke up about it. Of course he loves you too— god he loves you so much. That’s why the thought of you being scared of him was enough to pull him away. He couldn’t bear being around you if you were frightened by him. He couldn’t live with himself. More importantly he now discovered, he really couldn’t live without you.
“I love you so much.” He confessed back as your tears leaked down your cheeks.
You pulled his arm, and he let you pull him to the bed— close enough where you could cup both his cheeks.
“Don’t ever do that to me again, please. I need you Bucky— life is not livable without you.” You cried, kissing his forehead to which he leaned into your lips.
“Never again— I promise.”
This time, he wouldn’t break it.
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firlionemoontav · 2 months
Text
WARNING: PAIN
RAPHAEL X GN TAV
Enjoy
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Forgive Me, Little Mouse
He saw them there, sitting alone in the darkness.
Eyes closed, arms tight around their folded legs, his little mouse looked so lost, so lonely.
So, so sad.
He slowly and carefully approached them, not wanting to make any move or noise that would frighten them. But, then again, they were both in a dark place.
And it was because of him that they ended up here .
One step, three steps, six…
He was now standing before them and could easily reach them, but the moment he tried, he felt the very tip of his fingers freeze.
They felt cold, so cold…
And he can’t even touch them…
Eyes still shut, the little mouse lowered their head on their arms, as if the action would protect them from the biting coldness.
“Little mouse,” he whispered, too afraid to scare them. “I’m here.”
For a split second, his heart leaped the moment they raised their head and opened their eyes.
Eyes full of tears.
It made him feel even more anguished
Curse these feelings! I am a Devil, I should not be -  
“Who are you?”
What? How could it be -?
“It’s me. I’m here to take you back.”
“Take me? Where?”
The Devil felt a lump grow in his throat. Deep within his corrupted heart, he knew they were safer anywhere but his house…
After all, that’s where he…
Where they - 
“I will take you back with me. I will take you away from here.”
“But, I… have nowhere else to go.” They answered. Still, they could not remember him. And he knew why. “I… was pushed away. I can’t remember how…”
Once again, the little mouse buried their head in their arms, seeking refuge from it all—from the darkness, the coldness...
From him …
“What can you remember, little mouse?” The Devil asked, kneeling beside them, his voice laced with hurt and sadness.
“I remember… nothing . Just… darkness. It feels… so cold. I was…
“I felt pain in my chest.” They raised their head, and this time they looked directly into his fiery ones.
Cruel, eyes of flame that now mourn the loss of the one thing that made him not him …
“My heart hurts. I was… hurt … then, I’m here. I’m… all alone…”
Bag in hand, they leave home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch them go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while…
The feeling that I'm losing them forever
And without really entering their world
I'm glad whenever I can share their laughter
That funny little mouse…
“You’re not alone. I’m here.” He took their hand in his and brought it close to his lips.
The familiar warmth was all but gone…
“I’m here for you. I will take you away from this world.”
The little mouse removed their hand from his trembling grasp, and he could feel their cold, disembodied fingers slipping through his own.
It hurt . It hurt so much when they removed their hand from his, and the pain was nothing compared to the fires of Avernus.
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in their mind?
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
They keep on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
“I’m scared. I don’t want to go.” The little mouse cowered against him. “What if… what if they hurt me again?”
“I won’t let them! I -” The Devil pleaded. Ridiculous and preposterous as he looked, groveling on some mortal’s feet, he didn’t care.
He only cared about them, about their safety, their happiness…
They didn’t deserve to be in this place.
And he was, once again, reminded why they were here in the first place.
And once again, the pain almost tore his heart in two.
It feels so unbearable.
But what felt even more unbearable was seeing them in this state.
And being unable to make them forget all the pain and sadness.
Sleep in our eyes, us at the table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when they’re gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
“I won’t let them -” The Devil spoke, hot tears flowing down his cheeks. It was the first time he ever wept, and it felt strange and devastating at the same time. “I won’t let anything hurt you ever again.
“Will you come with me, please?” He held out his hand, wanting them to take it. “I beg you, my little mouse.”
“Your voice,” they answered. “I know you. I’ve heard your voice. I’ve seen your face. I can’t remember where . I can’t remember when …
“But, it feels warm … when I listen to your voice.
“Who are you?”
“I am…”
The Devil paused. What would he tell them? He didn’t know. After all, he was nothing to them but the one who -
“I am your protector. I will stay by your side for as long as I can. I’ll be…
“ Whoever you want me to be.” He said, choking on those last words. “Please, come with me.”
The little mouse looked at his eyes once more, searching for something that wasn’t there.
Wanting to make sure they could put their trust in a creature as corrupted and as evil as he.
They raised their hand, reaching for his. Reaching for the warmth he longed to share.
He took their hand, never wanting to let go…
***
Upon stepping into the House of Hope, an unfamiliar melody reached his ears from the Archives.
He was not able to get his hands on the Crown of Karsus, and that damned mortal broke their contract. They did not give the crown to him after defeating the brain, and he felt furious.
He wanted to crush their bones beneath his heels. He desired to make them bleed, to hear them scream until their throat was hoarse and wounded. He sought to erase their soul from existence, denying them the reprieve of the Fugue Plane. He had trusted them. He trusted them too much, and it was the biggest mistake he ever made.
Perhaps, he even…
But, no! For a Devil to harbor such tender emotions for a mortal. Look where it got him! Look!
This was the last straw. He would no longer trust mortals.
He should have learned from Hope. He should have learned that love has no place for Devils such as he.
He will get his hands on that crown no matter what, and without the help of anyone.
What would he do once he find the crown? Shall he kill their friends one by one? Shall he save them for last? What tortures would he inflict upon them? Perhaps he should peel off their skin first, like what he did to that damn Dwarf.Oh, he would savor every moment of their torment…
But, he would deal with the one making that awful noise first. And then, Inferna Victoria .
There they were, looking joyful and comfortable, playing that god-forsaken melody, if one could even call it that, on his piano.
That mortal who stole his crown.
The Devil smiled, thinking his work had already begun by them showing up here on their own.
Ah, another breach of the contract. Another reason for him to punish them.
This would be blissful.
“Little mouse,” he called, his voice deceivingly playful. He felt his Warlock Korrilla tremble next to him. She knew he was beyond furious. She knew the mortal would not survive his wrath.
The mortal raised their head in anticipation, their eyes twinkling with…
Was that… happiness ?
No, Raphael, soon to be the Archdevil Supreme, shall no longer be swayed.
Raphael shall no longer bear the weakness of his mortal flesh.
He shall purge it tonight, deny it, banish it to the Hells and oblivion, and embrace what he truly is…
A Devil.
And he shall start with them, the little mouse.
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go?
Well, some of that we did but most we didn't
And why? I just don't know
“Raphael! I’ve been waiting for you. I,” their cheeks became red in embarrassment as they realized the Devil must have heard their awful performance. “Sorry about that, I was going to surprise you -”
“How nice and thoughtful of you, my dear.” He sneered through his fake smile.
“Master! Please, they -” Korrilla whispered in an attempt to stop him, which was futile.
“I - I’m sorry for entering your house. I can explain.”
“Come here, my little mouse. You’ve labored enough, I will pamper you.” The Devil’s deceit reared its ugly head like a deadly serpent waiting to sink its teeth into its prey.
What a stupid mortal. They simply took the bait, smiling from ear to ear as they took an ugly bag from the floor and made their way towards him.
They haven’t realized what fate awaited them.
Korrilla closed her eyes.
An awful sound came from the Devil. The Warlock heard the pained voice of the mortal gasping for air.
The sound of broken flesh made an impact against the marble floor.
Korrilla opened her eyes and noticed the bag of the adventurer on the floor next to her feet. It must have fallen when the Devil attacked her. She knelt, took the bag, and opened it…
The Devil reveled in the sight of the mortal’s broken and bloody body on the floor. The spell he cast, although the simplest of the most Hellish ones he knew, was enough to break most of their bones, but it didn’t matter. He can bring them back and repeat the torture over and over again. Perhaps he would increase the intensity of the spell and modify it how he wants. How foolish of them to venture here in the House of Hope without their armor on - 
“Sir,” his Warlock pleaded once more. He looked down at her and…
… saw her holding the mortal’s bag, a small crown in it, along with a few clothes and some pieces of paper.
That crown…
It can’t be…
No.
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
No no no no no…
“It’s the Crown of Karsus.” The Warlock confirmed. “It must have adjusted to fit their hand. They… brought it here.”
And save it from the funny tricks of time…
“Give me that.”
No, this must be a mistake. This is not the crown! This is -
The Devil felt a massive amount of power when he touched the crown. He felt it tremble and adjust to the size of his hands.
With shaking hands, he took the pieces of paper from the bag. Except that they weren’t just pieces of paper. It turned out that the mortal had been composing a piece of music all on their own. Judging from the notes and the many revisions the mortal had made on the battered piece of sheet music, it was, indeed, the melody they had been playing the moment he arrived. He also noticed that the mortal titled the melody, To My Archdevil Supreme .
And finally, he took a folded note that was sticking out of the mortal’s few pieces of pitiful clothing. He opened it, and read, feeling his heart rip slowly in pain,
Good luck, Istik. I will never forget what you’ve done for all the Gith. We shall bring down Vlaakith in your honor.
Are you sure you won’t change your mind, darling? I’ll miss you and the taste of your blood.
Please ignore Astarion. He’s just devastated you chose Raphael over him. We must take a swim in that lake I showed you the other day. All of us. It will be fun.
Don’t worry about Karlach. She’s got my back. I wish you all the happiness in the world. And as always, you can call on the Blade of Avernus whenever you need it.
Hey, soldier! Wyll’s coming with me to Avernus. At least that I can endure. Zariel won’t know what’s coming! Ha! Love you, see you soon.
I hope you find our collective thoughts well. I have finally decided to follow my dreams and be a professor in the most prestigious school for the young Wizards of Waterdeep. I assure you I will make a way for us to travel to Avernus and visit you without us losing our souls if that’s even possible. There is nothing the Weave can’t do, as it showed me the way to you. Make sure you’ll eat well, and don’t forget to write to me and Tara. I’ll miss you.
The Wizard already took much of the space. I know you’re happy to deliver the crown to Raphael. Good for you. You’re always free to consult me when you can.
Minsc and Boo wish you and your puny Devil all the happiness in the world. Oh, and Boo wishes the Devil will love your little big surprise.
We will miss you, my friend. Come and visit the Grove when you can.
I still don’t trust that Devil, but I know you will be happy with him because you love him. The Harpers and I give you all the blessings.
The Devil dropped the crown on the floor, along with the mortal’s other belongings, feeling its metal sear his flesh like hot iron. Turning around, his blurry vision making him sick, he flew as fast as he could to where the little mouse lay.
He carefully held their battered body in his arms, feeling the life fade from their mortal flesh. He took their hands in his, noticing the ink stains on their fingers.
And with an anguished heart, he looked at their eyes.
Those eyes filled with tears of heartbreak…
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go?
Well, some of that we did but most we didn't
And why? I just don't know
“W-why? Raph -ael, w-why?” The mortal spoke in a broken voice, their tears running down their eyes, their sight already losing the brightness it once held
“Forgive me, little mouse. Please, forgive me. Please.” The Devil begged over and over again, doing his very best to keep his beloved’s fragile body as close to him as he could. “I can make it go away, hold on, please.”
“I never be-trayed y-you. W-why?”
“I know, I know. You did nothing wrong. Please, stay with me, please…”
With a broken and trembling arm, the mouse raised an arm and held the Devil’s tear-stained cheek.
“I f-forgive you.” They whispered, their voice becoming weaker and weaker as they started breathing their last breaths. “I l-l… ve y-you…”
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in their mind?
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
They keep on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Bag in hand, they leave home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
***
211 notes · View notes
forggywrites · 8 months
Note
I been thinking about make this request,basically platonic headcanons of Miguel with a gn reader that is very young(14-15) and have a symbiote, reader meets miguel due to him as spiderman rescues reader from some bastards that were experimenting with reader for the perfect symbiosis they had, the reader is very skinny and easily scared and the symbiote is very protective over reader, miguel is also very protective over reader and theach them how to control their power,basically miguel being a mentor/father figure for the reader Who admires him and want to protect the multiverse like him(like a sidekick).
If this is so Long youre Free to ignore
I LOVE this idea!
PLATONIC Miguel x GN teen reader w/venom symbiote.
I’m trying to make this as general as possible so anyone can read it, but sorry if I make any mistakes.
CW: use of y/n, Miguel might be slightly ooc, talk of human experimentation, kidnapping, abuse, violence, medical settings, venom needs his own warning.
—————————
It was cold.
So fucking cold.
The only color on your skin was dark blotches from struggling against your captors.
You were unsure of how long you’ve been locked in this dank room.
You had barely eaten or drank anything since ending up here, so you were multiple pounds lighter than you normally were.
Your muscles had lost a significant amount of definition from only moving when they moved you.
You didn’t know who they were or what they wanted, but you did gather they didn’t target you specifically.
The experiments were painful.
No matter how much you screamed or cried they never stopped.
After one of the first experiments you started hearing a voice.
The voice was deep and grainy, it told you that it was known as Venom and it came from space.
”These people took me as well… I can help you escape.”
You had ignored the voice, telling yourself it was just the trauma and isolation.
Until a particularly painful test.
Your entire body felt like it was burning, your screams were deafening.
Suddenly the restraints that held you down snapped, and you felt something ooze all over your body.
You were unable to control your actions. The lab was destroyed and your captors were all dead. Heads had been ripped off and digested by the thing controlling your body.
You watched as your much taller body escaped from the hellhole you had been kept in.
As soon as you got out the black goo dissipated, leaving your much smaller, frail body in its wake.
”You’re welcome” the voice rasped.
Your legs started to move, you ran as far and fast as you could, tears streamed down your face as you were finally free.
Before you knew it, you had ended up in a crowded city. You were unaware your tattered clothes were covered in blood.
Your tired feet tracked down the sidewalk, many avoided you, uncaring of your beaten and bloody form.
”Hey, kid-“ a hand landed on your shoulder.
Venom did not like that.
Suddenly your body was taken over once again, wreaking havoc on anything and everything.
People screamed as your monstrous form throws a tantrum.
Then you hear a thwip and your once again muscular arm gets pulled.
A man in a dark blue and red suit starts to face off with you.
His attacks were deliberate and calculated, quickly taking your exhausted form down.
You feel your head smash against the concrete and loose consciousness once more
—————————
There you were, in another lonely room. Trapped yet again.
But this time it was warmer, you were lying in a comfortable bed with tubes and wires running from your body to various machines.
The high pitched beeping was annoying you, so off came the wires as you tried to stop the noise.
But it only got worse.
A high pitched scream came out of the machine next to you, your body felt like it was on fire once again. You covered your ears as you screamed in pain.
With the noise a group of doctors and the man from before rushed into the room, attempting to reattach the monitors and calm you down.
Your arm reached out, wrapped in the familiar black goo, and shattered the machine. Stopping the noise and actions of the oddly dressed people in the room.
Venom’s goo retreated back into you, soaking back into your skin.
Everyone in the room was frozen. Not knowing what to do or how to respond to the outburst.
”Where am I?” You rasped out, your throat was dry and scratchy from dehydration and screaming.
One of the people left the room and quickly returned with a bottle of water. You gulped it down in no time, panting from the lack of oxygen.
”You’re in a secure location.” The man from before piped up, he was still wearing the odd mask and outfit.
The doctors and nurses attempted to restore what you had ripped out, but you flinched as a hand touched you.
They stopped again, not wanting more destruction.
”Please let them help you, you’ve been injured.” The man says.
You looked at the tall man in front of you.
”Why am I here?” You question him.
”You attempted to destroy the city.” He grunts
”No I didn’t! It was that thing those “scientists” gave me!” You shout, trying to defend yourself.
“I AM NOT A THING, CHILD. I AM VENOM. AND I HELPED YOU!” Venom screamed, though only you could hear him.
“What thing, and what scientists?” The tall man inquired.
”The black gooey thing, Venom. It appeared after one of the experiments the guys who took me did…” you trailed off, struggling to explain exactly what had happened to you.
The man stands for a moment, thinking. “Were you kidnapped?” He asked.
”I- I don’t really remember…” you look down, uncomfortable with all the eyes on you.
The tall man sighs and approaches you slowly, his mask suddenly dissipated before he started talking.
”I’m Miguel, what’s your name?” He had a small smile on his face, trying not to intimidate you more than he already has.
”it’s Y/n.”
“Well Y/n, I want to help you. Can you tell me what happened?”
—————————
After a long explanation Miguel told you that he needed to work some things out, so he left you under close watch by the nurses.
While he was gone you were given a small meal consisting of a sandwich, some carrots, and a cup of chocolate pudding. The doctors didn’t want you to eat too much as to not cause your malnourished body any harm, but you were still hungry.
Until you got to the chocolate pudding.
”That is amazing, I love it.” Venom says.
”it’s chocolate pudding.” You respond.
”I need more. I don’t feel as hungry anymore.”
—————————
When Miguel returned there was a pile of empty chocolate pudding cups on the bedside table and you were asking for more.
A nurse was trying to reason with you. ”Why don’t I get you some more carrots? You shouldn’t be eating so much sugar-“
”I need chocolate, that’s what he wants.” You argued.
”Hey kid. What do you mean by “it’s what he wants”?” Miguel questions you.
”Venom. He said chocolate makes him less hungry, and I was hoping if I kept eating it he’d finally shut up.” You avoided making eye contact with the tall male.
”Interesting… I did a little research and it seems that you’ve become a host for some sort of extra terrestrial being.”
“Well duh, Venom told me that already.” You give Miguel a deadpan look.
”It would have been nice to know that…” Miguel sighs. “We can start looking into removing the…”
”Symbiote”
”Right, Symbiote. We can look into removing the symbiote if you’d like.”
Suddenly the black goo emerges once again, taking over your face.
”I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE YOU SPIDER SHIT!” Venom roars and then sinks back into your skin. Leaving you back to normal.
“I don’t think he wants to leave…”
”Well that was kind of obvious.” Miguel sighs.
—————————
It had been a few days since your arrival at the “secure location”, which after enough bugging of Miguel, you found out was the spider society. A place where spider folk like him from hundreds of different universes came together to protect the multiverse.
You had started trusting Miguel, and he the same with you. It was odd to others to see such a cold man being so caring and protective of a child who had “tried to kill him”.
He wasn’t the biggest fan of Venom, but when he realized you had a certain knack with the alien he stopped trying to convince you to separate from him.
Soon enough you started to train with Venom, Miguel helping you along the way. Miguel taught you hand to hand combat, self defense, and so much more.
Once Miguel believed you were ready, you started to go on missions with him. You met many other Spider folk and even made some good friends along the way.
Miguel knew that Venom needed phenylethylamine (or PEA for short) to survive. And since the only places you could get that was from brains or chocolate, he made sure there was always a large stock of chocolate around for you and venom, at least until he could develop something to give you the PEA you needed in a different way.
Miguel was glad that he had gone out on patrol that day, knowing that if he didn’t, he might not have met the kid who changed his life for the better.
—————————
Thanks for reading y’all! This was WAY longer than I was expecting, but hey, I got into it. I might make some separate or more headcanons with this reader/scenario.
(Also I got my first dose of testosterone done this morning, so your boy is finally on T!!!)
372 notes · View notes
petite-polonaise · 6 months
Text
Ursae
He always got lost. And she - she was a navigator. / Zoro, Nami . He’d always watch her, like a hawk.
Everything about that person screamed “suspicious”, and Zoro always relied on his warrior’s gut. There was another layer to all of her actions, he was sure of it, so it was just a matter of time before he’d discover who Cat Burglar Nami truly was.
The thing is, he didn’t trust her, not one bit. She was their navigator, but in his mind she was just a thief.
So he kept watching her.
.
The events of the Arlong Park shed another light on her character. She wasn’t that cold-hearted, self-centered, gold-digging bitch he took her for. There was no monster under the layers. Just a girl with a sad past and scars that ran deeper than chain marks or discoloured skin from wounds that never got to heal properly.
One thing he got right, though. She was hiding something. That soft and kind heart she guarded heavily with an armour designed for the sole purpose of keeping other people away. An armour that got her through all the hatred and pain, the nights spent clawing her way toward the almost-impossible goal. Traitor. Thief. Witch. Minx. For the sake of her beloved people she endured it all, a lone fighter in the vipers’ nest.
She might’ve been hiding, but she gained his respect.
And he kept on watching.
.
Two years have gone by in a blink of an eye, and there they were, reunited at last. He noticed some changes in her, not only on the surface. Nami looked more confident, more determined, a bit more transparent.
He liked that.
And then came the day she approached him with a proposition, that doomed proposition that turned his world upside down - though much, much later.
He was dozing off, as usual, when a shadow loomed over him. “Hey, Zoro”, she kicked his shin gently. “I know you’re awake, you fraud. Listen, could you teach me how to wield a sword?”
His eye shot open instantly and he looked at her as if she suddenly declared she’ll work for the Marines.
“…What?” He muttered, startled.
“Don’t look at me like that, I have a point. See, I’m more of a long-distance fighter, and I’d like to learn how to handle a close-ranged weapon so that I can defend myself without the risk of frying all of my allies. Or you lot having to save my ass every time.”
There it was again. Worrying about others first, never herself. She tried to cover that with cowardice before - pretending to be too scared to fight and running away or hiding, but after years of watching her he saw right through her act. She was doing it so that she wouldn’t be in their way, so that her friends wouldn’t get distracted. But once she got more proficient with the Clima-Tact, saving the day quite a few times already, it could no longer be the case.
He opened his mouth to answer, but she cut in:
“And I want to propose a barter deal. You’ll teach me the sword, and I’ll teach you about stars.”
His brow went higher.
“Stars?”
Nami shot him a pitiful glance.
“Everyone knows your sense of direction is absolutely nonexistent. But we can overcome that.” Seeing that this got his attention, she put a hand on her hip and continued: “I can teach you how to tell your position based on the sun and shadows during the day. And stars at night. So, what say you, Swordsman?”
He leaned back on his elbows.
“Alright. Tell me more.”
.
Thus, their lessons started. During the day they’d spent an hour or two practicing sword fighting and discussing shadows' angles, and at night Nami would tell him about the skies. They set up a meeting point on the upper deck and she’d always bring some booze to keep him motivated. She explained to him how to locate different constellations, talked about the origins of their names as well as mythology. He was surprised at how much she knew and found the lessons both informative and entertaining (though booze might’ve had something to do with that).
Time passed. They got better. They grew closer.
Sanji was losing it, constantly picking up a fight with him for “stealing his beloved Nami-san away”.
Nami and he would always laugh about it on the upper deck afterwards. She was doing a wonderfully accurate impression of Sanji, even lifting her eyebrow in a manner that resembled the characteristic Vinesmokes’ twist, and Zoro would always laugh his ass off. But he could tell she was fond of the cook, and it was all in good faith. There was an uneasy feeling in his chest when he thought about it, but he brushed it off.
He began to look forward to their sessions. She was a good student, diligent and determined, although too short-tempered. She knew she’ll never be an expert and would have a hard time going against someone proficient in the art, but what she lacked in skills, she made up for in creativity and agility. Hell, she even tricked him once or twice, and damn if he wasn’t impressed.
Best of all, she didn’t remind him of Kuina.
She was a good teacher, too, demanding yet effective. He already knew at least half of the northern and western skies, and the shadows trick helped him more than once.
Then something changed.
He noticed how he was more eager to show Nami new moves or a correct stance if it required physical contact. Suddenly he became aware of how close their bodies were in certain positions. Of how her hair felt against his skin when they clashed, or the fleeing touches she left on his arm whenever she wanted to catch his attention.
Sanji irritated him more than ever.
Zoro’s senses were tingling; there was this strange feeling in his chest again, not entirely unpleasant. He was surprisingly peaceful about it. Not enough to lift the lid, though.
The night skies were bright and full of stars. He could name every one of them now, because they all bore the same name.
.
He started to look out for Nami more on a battlefield; she always had to be in the corner of his vision. He wanted to believe it was because he was monitoring her progress, or making sure she doesn’t do anything stupid, but the truth was he started to care way more than he bargained for.
And he was right to do so, because after she jumped at the enemy and a particularly nasty counterblow sent her flying towards a rocky cliff, he was there to catch her in an instance.
He intercepted her mid-air, barking: “What the hell do you think you’re doing, you troublesome woman!” , while releasing the breath he didn’t know he was holding.
Set safe in his arms, with blood flowing from an ugly gush on her temple, she laughed at him. “They were going for your blind spot, silly. I had to do something.”
He looked at her incredulously - did she just try to protect him?
“Shit, I’m getting dizzy”, she breathed, leaning her head heavily on his shoulder. “Besides, I know you’ll always have my back, right?”
He shuddered (was it relief? Was it the way her breath fanned his neck?), and murmured with an unexpected softness: “Yeah. Just don’t overdo it.” .
Winter turned to spring, and spring to summer. They laughed and drank and fought side by side, and his dreams were now full of tangerines and cats.
And then, the skies became overcast.
.
The feast was grand, befitting the rise of the new pirate king. Hundreds of people from all over the world gathered to celebrate the fulfilment of their captain’s lifelong goal.
The table was likely to give way due to the sheer amount of dishes and cups. Luffy sat at the top, silly wide grin never leaving his face, the surrounding buzz and bursts of laughter only fuelling his great mood.
Zoro was taking long and steady sips of Arabasta’s best ale. Right next to him, Nami nipped happily on a piece of sashimi. He tuned out the merry ruckus, content and peaceful at last, until his keen ears caught Jinbe’s deep chuckle:
“So, Luffy-kun, now that you’re the king, you’ll have to find yourself a proper queen, right?”
Luffy stopped chewing on what must’ve been his fiftieth piece of meat that evening and furrowed his brows. “You’re right, I guess”, he mumbled thoughtfully. It made Zoro smile under his breath - Luffy never was the type to think of such matters anyway - until their captain leaned forward, turned his face towards them and yelled: “Oi, Nami, wanna be a queen?”
Zoro choked on his beer. She dropped her food. For a second, their eyes met. Everything went silent.
And then, all hell broke loose.
The guests screamed and cheered. Chopper and Usopp downright fainted, Sanji was calling out all known profanities, Brook started to cry, and Franky was bellowing, patting their captain on the back. Only Robin was silent, her gaze never leaving stunned Jinbe’s face.
Luffy jumped on the table, grinning widely. He crouched in front of Nami, taking her hands in his. “Why, it makes perfect sense!” he cried out, excited. "You’re smart and know everything about the world, you’ll help me out with all this boring political stuff and whatnot. You care about people, and, like, we could do something about all those orphaned kids, just the way you’ve always wanted! And you’re not afraid to stand up to me! I know you’ll keep me grounded and support me like you always do!”
Nami was stupefied. All colour seemed to drain from her face, just to come back with almost blinding intensity of a blush. The crowd’s roaring was getting louder and louder, encouraging her to answer. Only after a few seconds she seemed to get her voice back, just to stutter: “Oh, Luffy, I-, I’m, what?”
Jinbe was first to recover from the initial shock, quickly cutting in:
“Umm, Luffy-kun, that’s all rather… sudden. Give Nami-chan some time to think it through. It wouldn’t be right to push her into making a decision right now”.
Luffy shrugged and patted her hands affectionately. He let them go, stating: “Yeah, sure, it’s no biggie! Let’s talk about it later!”, then proceeded to turn around shouting “MEEEAAAAT” , and jumped right in the middle of the elated mob.
Zoro’s mind couldn’t stop from reeling. Suddenly everything was noise, high-pitched and drilling, and he felt nausea creeping up his stomach. Trying to get the focus back, he looked at his hands and found them clenched into fists, knuckles turning white. Every muscle in his body hurt and only then he realised how tense he was, all the energy focused on one goal: not to burst out.
Slowly, he turned his head towards Nami. She was looking at her hands, now dropped loosely on her lap. Her face was obscured by the locks of her copper hair.
Her voice was small and he couldn’t figure out the emotion behind it: “I’ll go talk to him after the feast.”
Zoro just grabbed the jug of ale and downed it, wordlessly. And then another one. And another. And another. And then, finally, oh finally, he blacked out.
.
The dawn was getting near. He was standing on the upper deck, still half drunk, watching the ocean. Nearly empty bottle of ale was dangling between his fingers, and he swayed it to the rythm of the waves.
He half-dreaded, half-hoped for her to come here. So when the soft sounds of footsteps finally reached his ears, he simply braced himself.
For a moment, neither of them spoke.
She leaned on the railing and placed her chin over the crossed arms, breathing in soundly. The smell of the ocean always calmed her down, he knew. Did that mean she was nervous? What did she come here to say?
The air between them was heavy with anticipation. He couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand not knowing what she knew. Not being ready. For he was always, always ready, and now look what happened. She had something of his and he desperately wanted it back.
“So, what’s up, Thief?” he finally croaked, even though it wasn’t any of the questions he really wanted to ask. (“Did you talk to him? Did you accept? Is this goodbye? How do I carry on?”)
She gave him a crooked smile and huffed, still not meeting his eyes. “You haven’t called me that in ages. Are we not friends anymore?”
“You tell me”, he replied, taking a swing from the bottle. The beverage tasted like piss. An adequate drink for cowards.
“You know that it doesn’t change anything”, she murmured.
Cold sweat covered his forehead. He struggled hard not to take her by the arms and shake the truth out, or just to take her by the arms, or to touch her, just for the sake of it, maybe for the last time.
“So you said yes?”
There, finally, he said it, the cat was out of the bag, the Cat was right here - so close, and yet he couldn’t, shouldn’t…
There was silence, first, and his body tensed, bracing for the impact.
“…Yeah. We talked about it right after the feast. Took us over two hours, and to be honest I’ve never seen Luffy so level-headed about anything. He really seemed to have thought it through, and he got to me with that orphans thing, you know how I am with children…”
He tuned out after the first word. There it was again, the ringing and nausea, and boy, he must be really drunk, and he needed to get out of here, right now, or he’ll puke all over the deck.
“Yeah, cool, congrats on your” - he almost choked on the word - “wedding, engagement or whatever, I’m going to hit the hay now.”
He spun on his heel faster than his intoxicated body allowed him to, swayed lightly, made one step, stopped as if he wanted to turn around and say something, then waved it off. He was running away, a shameful thing to do, but everything hurt too much now for him to care.
“Zoro, wait!”
He stopped dead in his tracks. There it was again, that damned conqueror's haki (who are you trying to fool Roronoa, it’s just her voice that makes you helpless like a sick puppy, waiting for their master’s orders).
A small, delicate hand grabbed his rough one, and she added a soft “…Please”.
And all of his defenses crumbled, and there he stood, naked, vulnerable, under a thousand stars.
He didn’t bother turning around. He couldn’t trust his face now.
“There won’t be any wedding," she said, and something bubbled in his chest, like a smallest ray of light in this endless, pitch black tunnel.
“…What.” His voice came out hoarse, and he prayed it was the alcohol making his throat suddenly this tight, this dry.
“We won’t be getting married. It’s settled.” Her voice was stiff, but calm.
“How would you become a queen if you… if he…” oh, he was so lost, he wanted a drink so badly now it physically hurt.
She chuckled weakly.
“Hey, it’s Luffy, remember? He does things his own way. He said we don’t have to be married, was astonished by the idea, by the way. I should feel offended”, she chuckled again. “But he really had no clue how these things work, and said he wanted me there as his nakama, not wife.”
The grip on his throat loosened, but still he didn’t turn around, waiting for her to go on.
“I wouldn’t say yes if that wasn’t the case, anyway. It wouldn’t be fair. Not to him, not to myself, and not to a certain person I hold dear to my heart. A person I feel about differently than I do about Luffy, or Sanji, or Robin, or anyone else in our crew.”
“Who.” The word has slipped his mouth before he could think better of it, and he almost bit his tongue.
The soft hand squeezed his, ever so slightly.
“Oh, I think you know him. Thick-headed, strong, likes to drink as much as I do, or maybe more. Knows his way around swords. Could be a great material for a queen’s knight, now that I think about it.”
Only then he dared to turn around, his heart fluttering madly in his chest, because he must be imagining it, it has to be some kind of alcohol delirium, or death has finally, mercifully claimed him. Because, she couldn’t possibly mean…
A pair of arms wrapped around his torso, and his breathing stopped.
“It’s you, you silly moss-head.” He winced slightly at the nickname, but she carried on. “It’s been you for a while, now. And I know…” she hesitated, and then corrected herself: “no, I hope, it’s not one-sided”. Her words came out a bit muffled, she was talking to his chest now. But then she lifted her head, eyes glistening yet determined. She looked at him and whispered: “So, what say you, Swordsman?”
Truthfully, there wasn’t anything he could say. There were thousands of thoughts running through his head at the moment, so he did the only thing he could: he ignored them all, lowered his head and placed his lips over hers.
It was as if heavens split up and a beam of light, warm and bright, engulfed him. Dozens of fireworks blew out in his body, or was it a wildfire - its flames licking his very insides. He grabbed her face, hungry, desperate, and pushed calloused fingers through her luscious hair. She smelled like salt and honey and adventures. Her mouth opened up, soft tongue brushed his, and he shivered. His earrings jingled with every move as he slowly discovered the map of her lips. And they tasted sweeter than any victory he ever claimed.
In the end, it all came down to this: Roronoa Zoro did the one thing he swore never to do again.
He gave in.
.
There was a single star guiding him now, and for once in his life he knew exactly what direction to take.
_____ Live-action made me do it, your honor. Please excuse any grammar mistakes, it actually is my first rodeo. 🥲
Thanks for reading. 🧡💚
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blissfulbarbie · 7 months
Text
My Nightmares Are Calling / Joel Miller x Reader
Description: You wake up from a recurring nightmare. Joel is no stranger to those. In the quiet of the dark, he eases you back to sleep.
Word count: 900
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It was the same dream again. You were running from the clickers and your parents were right behind you. Helpless and praying to whatever God who wished this cruelty on humanity that their feet would carry them fast enough. You scream, trying to divert the clicker away from your parents and to yourself but your voice just wouldn’t come out. You scream again and again and again - until you woke yourself up. 
You wake up gasping, bolt upright in bed. You clutch your hand to your heart and try to take deep breaths to get yourself to calm down. Joel is sleeping peacefully beside you - on his belly with his shirt exposing a sliver of his back - and you don’t want to wake him up. It’s rare enough that he gets a good night’s sleep. 
You had never gotten over your parents’ death. In a way you and Joel fit together like a sick twisted puzzle. You, having lost the people who gave you life, and Joel, having lost the girl whom he gave life. Your shared grief was one of the things that brought you together and Joel had found himself taking up the role of guardian to you. That meant protecting you, loving you, and giving you something to believe in in a world that was already broken. And you gave Joel purpose too. You satisfied his primal instincts to protect, nurture and care but above all else, you gave him a reason to keep going. 
“Sweetheart, you alright?” he mumbles, eyes still bleary from sleep but already moving into a sitting position next to you. 
“I’m fine, go back to sleep. Just a dream. I’ll go back to sleep in a minute. Need.. need to catch my breath a bit.” You’re still out of breath from the panic and shaking a little. Of course he notices. 
“Ok you do that.” He says, but moves his arms around you to hug you close to him. 
“Joel, you don’t have to. You have to wake up early for patrol, get some sleep. I’ll join you in a sec.” 
“Mmhm.” He tucks your head into his neck and you breathe in the scent of him. Earthy and calming. Home. 
This is one of the things you love about Joel. He never asks you what your dreams are about. He knows that if you wanted to, you would tell him. But he’s always there nevertheless. Just holding you, keeping you safe. 
After a few silent minutes cuddled up in the dark against Joel, your breathing matches his and you calm down. 
“I know a thing or two about nightmares, darling. Hell, I get them more often than I get a good night’s sleep.” His voice catches a bit as he says, “I know what it’s like.. to dream about the only thing in your life you wish you never had to relive. Over and over again.” His hand strokes your hair gently. “I just wish I could take it away for you.” 
You smile with tears in your eyes. You kiss his neck gently and say, “You already do.” 
“Do you think.. being with me makes it worse for you?” Joel’s voice is almost a whisper now. You know what he’s implying. He’s insinuated this before in the past. He thinks that being with someone like him - broken, grieving, angry - amplifies the pain that you feel from your own loss. He couldn’t be more wrong. 
You sit up a little so you can look him in the eyes. “Joel, do you know what I was like before I met you? I was.. so over this. So over being scared and lonely and hurting all the time that I probably would have said thank you to one of the bastards if they had come after me.” At the mention of your potential death, Joel’s arms tighten around you. 
“But then I met you and.. I remembered what it was like to want to wake up in the morning. To laugh. To find joy in someone else. To be able to feel my loss so deeply and yet want to live? That’s a gift that you’ve given me, so don’t ever say things like that.” 
He stares at you for a moment, with his eyes glassy and vulnerable, and he gives a small nod. Then he pulls you back down so your face is tucked into his neck again. You can feel him gulp and you know he's holding back tears himself. 
“Was just a question.” He grumbles and you laugh at the way he tries to diffuse the emotional weight that has taken over your little shared bedroom. 
You shift your body so you're laying back down on the bed, and eventually Joel moves to lay back down too. He wraps his arms around you, holding you tight. You turn around to smile at him. “I love you. Don't ever forget that.” 
He strokes your face and kisses you gently. You turn back to face the other side, ready to go back to sleep. “Love you. Gonna keep you safe. From everything. Gonna learn how to get into your dreams and fight the fuckers. Maybe like in that movie where the guy can go into dreams and–” he mumbles incoherently as he finally drifts back off to sleep.
-
Tags: @just-some-random-blogger @joeldjarin
A/N: Can anyone guess what movie Joel is referencing?
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pinkypromisepascal · 1 year
Text
𝙰𝚜 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 (𝚃𝚑𝚘𝚖𝚊𝚜 𝚂𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚋𝚢 𝚡 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛)
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Summary: Tommy finds your diaries after you passed away
content warnings: angst, emotional Tommy, mention of character’s death
word count: 2.2k
/// this piece has only been proofread by myself, so forgive me for possible mistakes ///
It had been one month since Thomas Shelby had lost you, his beloved partner. Killed by one of Major Campbell’s minions during the Epsom races which you had accompanied him to to make sure the assassination of the Field Marshal went according to plan.
Although the plan had worked out like Thomas had imagined it with Lizzie luring the Field Marshal to a secret place, away from the busy race tracks, Thomas had been kidnapped by The Red Right Hand, leaving you on your own. While he had been busy fearing his own death, he would have never thought his significant other could be another target on Campbell’s list, he wasn’t even sure if The Red Right Hand had known about the sniper that had been hiding in the bushes near the wide and lonely field.
You had watched Tommy being dragged away by the three men. You had found a way to follow those men, unnoticed by them, and had hidden behind their car to listen to them.
After taking deep breaths, you had reached for the gun Tommy had given you and tucked behind your pants on that day. “Only for when you’re in danger, eh?”
Thomas had been ready to let go of his life right then and there, as he was taking the last drag of his supposedly last cigarette in his life. He had gotten pushed to his knees and had just sat there, eyes closed, taking a final deep breath. “In the bleak midwinter…”, he had mumbled.
At that point, his memories got foggy and confusing, and definitely one of the most haunting memories he had ever collected in his life. He only remembered being pushed into the grave that had been dug out for him, guns firing, but none of the bullets hitting him. And he remembered one very distinct sound. Despite his state in that moment, he had heard someone run across the field, the dirt scattering away beneath their shoes, and two final shots, more silent than the others.
Tommy had needed a few seconds before finally pushing himself up, taking in the scene in front of him. All three men that had kidnapped him were laying dead around the grave. A few steps behind, the other body had caught his eye. A wave of shock had run through him, his heart immediately sinking at the sight of you. He had slowly walked up to your corpse, as if he could have scared you if he was too loud.
He had knelt down next to you and pulled you onto his lap. The bullet had went straight through your forehead, just a few inches over your beautiful eyes that were still open. “I’m so sorry, love. I’m so sorry I took you with me.”, he had mumbled as he pressed your against his chest, tears streaming down his face.
It still pained Thomas to think of that day. Most of the days he felt like he was alright, but on some days your face flashed in front of his eyes, blood dripping down from the bullet’s exit wound and staining his clothes as he had held you against him. He still blamed himself for what happened, despite Pol telling him several times that it had been your own decision to risk your life and that you been aware it could go wrong.
Since your death, Thomas had avoided your room in Arrow House, the desire to find you there, sitting at your desk or on your bed and reading was too strong to be confronted with the harsh truth again.
But today, he felt like he needed to take in everything that was left of you. He wanted to feel as if you were still around, felt like it could clear his mind.
As soon as he entered your room, his heart started beating faster, a feeling of nausea started spreading. He could usually keep his emotions under control, but this time was different.
When Tommy had decided he wanted to have you around at his house to spend as much time as possible with you, you had talked him into turning one of the many bedrooms into your very own, where you could keep more personal things and where you could go to when Tommy was too much to handle. It had taken some convincing, but Tommy felt like he was falling for you all over again as he had watched you decorate your room, happily sorting your books into the shelves. “Should I order them by genre or by author, what do you think, Tommy?”
Standing in your room now, it still felt so alive to him. A scarf he had gotten you as a birthday present hung over the bed frame. He ran his hand over the soft, silky material. He knew it would still smell like you, but that didn’t stop him from grabbing and wrapping it around his neck. He took in your scent that immediately hung in the air.
Memories flooded his mind again and flashed in front of his eyes, your voices nothing more than just an echo bouncing of the walls of his mind. The first conversation with you at the garrison, your first time making him laugh after blurting out a nasty joke, your first kiss in your apartment where you had taken care of a wound on his chest. “It’s just a cut, you don’t have to-”
“Shut up, Tommy, I just don’t want to hear you whining when this gets infected”, you had insisted with a smirk.
Thomas smiled at the memories and thought about how your laugh would fill the room if you saw him wearing your scarf. He liked the idea of carrying something from you on him. “God, I miss the sound of your laugh so much…”, he breathed into the silence and ran a hand over his face as his feelings started to be too much again. He kept looking through your room, his eyes falling on the numerous bookshelves. He had never really been into reading, he always said he was too busy for that. Yet, he had adored the look on your face when he had bought you another pile of books.
Regret filled him now, realizing he should’ve taken the chance to read with you together and just enjoy a peaceful day. He regretted so much. He regretted taking you to Epsom with him, he regretted thinking you would be safe. And he abhorred the ugly truth that he didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, you had died right after impact.
Thomas’ whole body tightened, a pressure built in his throat that made him want to scream. He clenched his fists at his side, his nostrils flared and his emotions cut off his air to breathe. He closed his eyes and focused on taking deep breaths. He turned his face towards the sun falling through the big window and let the warmth run through his body, giving him a sense of safety for now.
When he opened his eyes again, he noticed the big desk standing in front of the window. It always looked like you had just gotten up from it. You had never really had the urge to keep that desk neat and tidy, it was meant for getting lost in your own thoughts anyway, and not for work.
Tommy stepped closer and saw the notebooks scattered on the desk. He grabbed the nearest one and sat down on the floor, his back resting against the bed frame.
“Hope there’s nothing too private in here… If I find a dirty little secret of yours I can’t even confront you about it.”, he joked to make himself feel a little better. As he opened the book, several loose sheets of folded paper slipped out and fell into his lap.
He picked up one paper and unfolded it, discovering a drawing of himself, looking to the side and smiling with a cigarette in his hand. He couldn’t exactly make out the background of the drawing, but he assumed it was his private booth at the garrison. Thomas grabbed the other sheets of paper, finding another drawing of him and less detailed sketches of Aunt Pol, Arthur and Ada. “It’s a shame none of us were talented enough to draw you, love”
Another sheet happened to be a letter Thomas had written to you. He chuckled in disbelief. He remembered writing the letter after you told him that you loved his handwriting and suggested he’d try to put his feelings into written words instead of spoken ones, as he had always had trouble with that.
Tommy didn’t need to read the letter, he knew every word on that piece of paper by heart, he knew the feelings he had expressed on it. Instead, he turned to the journal again and started reading.
You had written about Tommy’s family and how they treated you. Arthur and John hadn’t been sure about you at first, Aunt Pol on the other hand didn’t need much time to accept you as part of the Shelby family, as well as Ada as soon as she saw how well you were taking care of her son Karl one night. Tommy was the last one to trust you. He had liked you from the beginning, he couldn’t deny that, but it had taken a lot of time to open up to you.
Another entry was just about him, and Tommy almost felt overwhelmed at the love that shined through your words. He read about how you thought he was one of the most interesting persons you had ever met and how you adored his soft, caring side he barely showed. Tommy remembered seeing your adoration for him in your eyes. Of course there had been times where you were mad at him for overworking or getting his family into trouble, but when he had a day off and took some time to relax, he was the best company you could wish for.
At the end of that entry, Thomas’ eyes widened and his heartbeat increased again.
𝐼 𝒹ℴ𝓃’𝓉 𝓀𝓃ℴ𝓌 𝒾𝒻 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 ℯ𝓋ℯ𝓇 𝓇ℯ𝒶𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈, 𝒯ℴ𝓂𝓂𝓎, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒾𝒻 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝒹ℴ:
𝐼 𝓁ℴ𝓋ℯ 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓈ℴ 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽, 𝒯𝒽ℴ𝓂𝒶𝓈 𝒮𝒽ℯ𝓁𝒷𝓎, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝐼 𝒽ℴ𝓅ℯ 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓀𝓃ℴ𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉. 𝒴ℴ𝓊 𝒽𝒶𝓋ℯ 𝒷ℯℯ𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝓇ℴ𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝒶 𝓁ℴ𝓉, 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝒽𝒶𝓋ℯ ℯ𝓍𝓅ℯ𝓇𝒾ℯ𝓃𝒸ℯ𝒹 𝓈ℴ 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝓅𝒶𝒾𝓃 𝒾𝓃 𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝓁𝒾𝒻ℯ, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓎ℯ𝓉, 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓉𝓇𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓂ℯ ℯ𝓃ℴ𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝓉ℴ 𝓁ℯ𝓉 𝓂ℯ 𝓈ℯℯ 𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝓋𝓊𝓁𝓃ℯ𝓇𝒶𝒷𝓁ℯ 𝓈𝒾𝒹ℯ.
𝐼 𝒶𝓂 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀𝒻𝓊𝓁 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓁ℯ𝓉 𝓂ℯ 𝒷ℯ𝒸ℴ𝓂ℯ 𝒶 𝓅𝒶𝓇𝓉 ℴ𝒻 𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝓁𝒾𝒻ℯ 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝒻𝒶𝓂𝒾𝓁𝓎. 𝐼 𝓅𝓇ℴ𝓂𝒾𝓈ℯ 𝐼 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒽ℯ𝓁𝓅 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 ℯ𝓋ℯ𝓇𝓎𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝓈 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝒶𝓈 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝑔𝒾𝓋ℯ 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝓈𝓊𝓅𝓅ℴ𝓇𝓉 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓃ℯℯ𝒹. 𝐼𝒻 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓃ℯℯ𝒹 𝓂ℯ 𝒶𝓈 𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝓅𝒶𝓇𝓉𝓃ℯ𝓇 𝒾𝓃 𝒸𝓇𝒾𝓂ℯ, 𝐼 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒷ℯ 𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓇ℯ. 𝐼𝒻 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓃ℯℯ𝒹 𝓂ℯ 𝒶𝓈 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝓅𝒶𝓇𝓉𝓃ℯ𝓇, 𝐼 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒷ℯ 𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓇ℯ. 𝐼𝒻 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓃ℯℯ𝒹 𝓂ℯ 𝒶𝓈 𝒶 𝓈𝒽ℴ𝓊𝓁𝒹ℯ𝓇 𝓉ℴ 𝒸𝓇𝓎 ℴ𝓃, 𝐼 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒹ℯ𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒾𝓉ℯ𝓁𝓎 𝒷ℯ 𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓇ℯ. 𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝒻ℴ𝓇 𝓉𝓇𝓊𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂ℯ, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝒻ℴ𝓇 𝓁ℴ𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂ℯ.
That little note was what broke Tommy. He felt his throat close up, his eyes starting to burn. His breath hitched and he decided to just let it happen, to let the tears stream down his face. He covered his mouth with one hand to muffle his sobbing.
His emotions were rushing through his body like flashes, paralyzing him and stopping him from exiting this state. All the bottled up guilt suddenly pressed against his skin from the insides, making his limbs ache and burn.
How could he let this happen to you? Why had he been so naive? Thinking you would be safe from Campbell?
Tommy’s head started throbbing, his throat still closed up and his stomach turned. He wanted to scream, to cry out loud and exhaust his body until he’d fall unconscious. Sorrow slowly turned into panic and fear, his stomach turned and Tommy felt like throwing up.
Tommy pushed the diary away and laid down on the floor, trying to get as much sun shining on his frame as possible. His eyes closed, he took deep breaths and stretched his arms to the side. “You’re gonna be ok, Thomas. Deep, controlled breaths.”, he whispered to himself.
A few breaths later, Tommy slowly calmed down, and acceptance started to set in. He knew he had to accept your death one day instead of internally denying it the whole time. He needed to accept that all that was left of you was this room, his memories of you, and of course the scarf around his neck that he would never take off again. He needed to cherish those things before his sadness kicked him off the edge for good. You were gone, and there was no way of bringing you back.
Thomas knew he wouldn’t be alone in this, he knew that his family would help him wherever they could, that they would help him clear his mind of the heavy fog that kept him from moving on.
After a few more minutes, Thomas felt like he could feel you laying on top him, your fingers softly caressing his face. He imagined you humming the melody of your favorite song to him and he slowly drifted into a much needed sleep.
__________________________________________________________
author’s note: as promised in my previous post, my first story on here! I originally wrote this about a year ago, but I did rewrite it today in one go and my god, the time it took me to finish this, but I’m happy with how it turned out. I do kinda have a second part planned for this with kinda supernatural elements, but I haven’t really figured out how to put it into a good story yet, but I do like writing a very emotional and torn Thomas Shelby, so I might as well write that damn second part. 
Anyhow, I hope you liked reading this piece, feel free to give me some feedback, criticism is welcome, as long as it’s constructive lol. 
Have a great day!
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inuiiwonderland · 4 months
Note
Saw that requests were open… can I have some angst with Idia (twst) with a fem!reader were they are in an established relationship, he tries to push her away because he is scared of losing her the way he lost Ortho? With happy ending please! (I like angst with fluff at the end 🥺🖤)
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Idia shroud x fem!reader
A/n:Thank you so much for requesting! I hope you like it!
-
You looked out the window as rain started pouring down from the sky. Tapping your fingers on the table as you waited for a certain someone’s call.
But nothing
Idia has been acting weird for the past few weeks. He didn’t answer any of your calls or texts and it worried you. You tried to go to the ignihyde dorm to check on him but every time you do he never opens his door.
He has been locked in his room for weeks. Even his brother doesn’t know what’s going on as he to is being ignored by idia.
Class just ended and you hurriedly packed your stuff before rushing out the classroom. A big smile decorated your face as you couldn’t wait to hang out with your boyfriend this evening. Exam week was finally over and all you wanted to do was cuddle and play games with your boyfriend for the rest of the day.
Finally arriving to ignihyde, you made your way to idia room. With a hum and a skip on your step you finally made it to his room. You knocked on the door before announcing to him that it was you.
“Idia! I’m here” You say. You waited patiently for him to open the door. But, as a few minutes passed by you frowned before knocking again.
He probably didn’t hear me
You knocked and knocked but nothing. You decided to call him and as you did you could hear his phone ring inside his room.
“Idia?”
You hear some rustling in the room before it goes silent again.
Weird
“Idia are-“
“Please”
“Huh?”
“Please go”
“Go?”
“…”
“Idia are you okay? Are you not feeling well? Open the door I can-“
“Can you please leave me alone?! I don’t want to talk to anyone right now!”
Your eyes widened as you didn’t expect your boyfriend to yell. You stayed silent before speaking up.
“O-okay, I’ll leave but if you need anything…just call me”
He didn’t say anything after that and you walked away.
After that interaction with idia, he started growing distant. You didn’t let it get to you though. Something must’ve happened to make idia act like this.
You wouldn’t lie but you missed idia. Weeks of no contact and him being distant made you feel sad and lonely.
But enough is enough and you’ll finally do something about it.
You got up before quickly grabbing a coat and walking out of your dorm.
You shiver as the cold air and rain hit your skin. You quickly ran to ignihyde as you didn’t want to waste time.
Finally making it to ignihyde, you started walking to idia room. As you rounded a corner, you saw him.
You could see Ortho who looked mad as he dragged a distressed idia. You quickly walked up to the two, forgetting about the mess you're making after walking in the cold rain.
“Idia!” You can see your boyfriend tense up as you make your way to him. He tried to go back to his room but ortho stopped him.
“Idia please! Just talk to me”
“Big brother, stop running away! You’ve ignored me and y/n for weeks! If you're not going to tell me what’s wrong then at least tell y/n!”
“Idia…please just talk to me. I’m worried about you”
He could see the pain and concern in your eyes.
Shit. He fucked up. He really fucked up
“I-I-“
���Let’s talk in your room” You grabbed his hand before pulling him into his room. Ortho gladly gave the two of you privacy as he left.
“So, what’s going on? You've been ignoring me and ortho for weeks! Did something happen? If so, please tell me what’s wrong! I’m worried idia” By now tears were already flowing down your cheeks as you looked at him.
Seeing you cry broke him further as he suddenly broke down in tears.
“I'm sorry I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you cry! Please…please don’t leave me!” You were shocked to say the least. You cupped his cheeks with your hands as you wiped away his tears. He pulled you close as more tears rolled down his cheeks.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to yell at you that day! I didn’t mean to hurt you that day! It’s just…it’s just that I can’t bear the thought of losing you….losing you like how I lost ortho”
“Losing me?” He stayed quiet for a moment. You ran your fingers through his hair as you tried to get him to calm down. Taking deep breaths idia begins to talk.
“I had a dream…” You stayed quiet and listened.
“I had a dream that….you were gone…I-you were dead…in my arms and there was so much blood” You could feel his hold on you tightened as he continued.
“I didn’t know what to do. I was scared and you weren’t waking up and it reminded me so so much about ortho” You held him close as he quietly sobbed in your arms.
“It’s okay idia…I’m here and I’ll always will be”
You kiss his head as you let him cry in your arms.
Hours later after calming down idia he quickly got you a spare of clothes and you changed before the two of you cuddled for the rest of the day.
You’ll definitely be sick tomorrow morning….
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neowinestainedress · 1 year
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INFERNO
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INFERNO | Halloween event
“Through me you go into a city of weeping; through me you go into eternal pain; through me you go amongst the lost people.” ― Dante Alighieri, La Divina Commedia, L’Inferno
SUMMARY: Hell seems so far away from us, but be careful, the most monstrous creatures lurk closer than you might think. And on Halloween, when anything is fair, they are not afraid to show themselves for what they are. The gates of the underworld are open, the damned souls are free.
PAIRINGS: various nct members x fem!oc/reader (as usual no name, no descriptions, written in third person)
GENRE: smut, halloween themed, monsters, (light) angst
WARNINGS: smut, monsterfucking, light dubcon (mostly because of the power imbalance that comes from monster x human relationship, minor corruption in some, or aphrodisiac fluids usage, but the mc is more than willing in all of them), some angst, blasphemy, slight yandere behaviours
A/N: the stories are NOT related to each other. Read each fic warning before proceeding and if you don’t like it just skip it. It’s fiction, monsters don’t exist, and these stories don’t represent nct in any way. I should be regular with the release dates, following the ones written here, but keep in mind that I’m also writing my thesis and not all of these are completed/started so they might be slightly delayed. If you want to be added to the taglist, comment under this post so I have all your usernames in one place. Enjoy!!
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⸺ INTO THE WOODS
PAIRING: werewolf!johnny x werewolf!yangyang x werewolf!jeno x werewolf!jaehyun x werewolf!kun x fem!human!oc/reader
SUMMARY: ‘don’t go in the woods, past the first two rows of trees.’ It’s a simple rule, planted in every kid’s mind in the village since they are born. Nobody knows why, but nobody dares to question why. But pride leads to do dangerous things and what’s supposed to be a silly bet to prove something, gets you lost a bit too far into the scary forest. And those who seem to be polite strangers turn out to be something they’re not.
DATE: OCT 8
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⸺ FALL FROM GRACE
PAIRING: seraphim!taeyong x succubus!oc/reader
SUMMARY: after consuming many human souls, there’s one thing you want to do. Corrupt an angel. But not any angel, God’s favorite angel.
DATE: OCT 14
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⸺ SWEET LIES
PAIRING: ghost!jeno x fem!human!oc/reader
SUMMARY: you find out what’s the weird sensation that’s been torturing you for years, but just when you think things start to make sense, he confuses you even more. Are you really who he thinks you are?
DATE: OCT 16
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⸺ ABANDONED
PAIRING: vampire!jaehyun x fem!human!oc/reader
SUMMARY: an abandoned castle, one quick walk upstairs and then you were going back to your friend. But the castle is not abandoned at all, and after many lonely years, somebody’s happy to finally have some company.
DATE: OCT 21 ON HOLD
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⸺ DEEP WATERS
PAIRING: tentacle monster!haechan x fem!human!oc/reader
SUMMARY: all your life you heard stories about the monster that lives in the lake, but they never scared you. You were looking for him, hoping fate was going to lead you to him to prove yourself you’re not crazy for believing in his existence. And when it happens, he seems to be afraid of you.
DATE: OCT 23
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⸺ SINFUL PERDITION
PAIRING: priest!kun x fem!human!oc/reader
SUMMARY: you get close to your town church again in the hope of finding your faith again, but the new priest seems to lead you closer to perdition than salvation. And when you get closer to him, you start to wonder if he really is who he seems to be.
DATE: OCT 28 ON HOLD
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⸺ SWEET DECEPTION
PAIRING: pick the members here
SUMMARY: on Halloween, nothing is as it seems. You end up in a room with six guys thinking they have amazing costumes only to be struck by reality when it’s too late; those are not costumes at all. But remember, on October 31, nothing is as it seems.
DATE: OCT 31
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evilkaeya · 11 months
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Hi! I’m not sure how long ago you posted the ADA Chuuya head canon post, or if you’ve lost interest, but in the tags you mentioned you have more to say but felt it was too long! I’d love to hear more if you want
Help I'm only seeing this now I'm sorry 😭 anyways more ada Chuuya hcs you say?? Hold my beer
> First time Chuuya uses corruption in front of the agency a part of his mind thinks, "That's it. They're going to be terrified of me now," only to be proven very wrong when he wakes up. The first person he sees is Dazai, which isn't new, Dazai has always been there after he woke up. Holding a mirror most of the time and saying, "Look what I drew on your face while you slept."
Then he blinks awake fully and he's surrounded by worried faces. Not scared, not curious but worried and when he sits up, they change to relief. Chuuya isn't sure what to do with the sudden burst of warmth spreading in his chest.
Atsushi is the first to leap at him. He hugs him, telling him how worried he has been. Kunikida pulls him away (you're crushing his ribs Atsushi) and sits next to Chuuya on the bed, patting his shoulder. Fukuzawa simply puts a hand on his head and Chuuya almost breaks down. He takes a pillow from behind him and buries his face into it. (This is how he manages his emotions. Everyone is used to it)
Ranpo, his partner, remains silently glaring at Chuuya until their eyes meet and Ranpo pinches his cheek. Hard. "Don't do that again!" He yells and says how he knew Chuuya had a bigger weapon up his sleeve that could cost his life but he didn't know it would be like this. Chuuya promises that he'd never use corruption unless Dazai is around.
For those who don't know why Ranpo is Chuuya's partner, here.
> For the 2-3 days he stays at the hospital, Kyouka leaves her bunny plushie with him so that he won't feel lonely. Yosano comes to check up on him the most, asking him if he feels okay. Chuuya tells her that he's used to it. He didn't get treatment like this in pm and he survived just fine. Sad eyes stare at him. "You shouldn't be used to it. You were a kid." Chuuya is once again filled with painful emotions he doesn't know what to do with.
> Moving on from corruption, Yosano and Chuuya are best friends !! If you go to the beauty salon Sunday morning you'll see them getting manicure and pedicure together, face masks on their face as they gossip about the latest rumors.
> Tanizaki oftens offers Chuuya his hairclips when he sees him struggling with his hair while working.
> Friday night is agency movie night !! They all gather at Chuuya's place to watch a movie together. They never let Dazai pick the movie despite how much he whines and cries.
> The movie nights always end in a cuddle pile. No matter how hard he tries, Chuuya can't hide the smile on his face when he wakes up to everyone's sleeping face the morning after. He carefully gets out of bed and goes to make breakfast for everyone. Dazai joins him minutes later. He hugs him from behind, and they share a little moment together in comforting silence.
> Basically Chuuya is surrounded by the love of his family all day every day and he's happier than he's ever been.
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strniohoeee · 5 months
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Revenant pt.2
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Pairings: Matt Sturniolo X female reader, friends to lovers, feelings are admitted some more
Synopsis: Y/N has been suffering from her accident 7 months ago, but she’s not normal, and Matt notices. When they find out what happens will they help her be healed again???
Warnings⚠️: supernatural, ghosts, mentions of death, actual death, mentions of suicide. A single kiss….and that should be all it’s a spooky imagine😋
“I think we’ll have to try and get y/n back” Matt said looking at everyone
“Matt have you lost your fucking mind we are NOT about to idk “kill” y/n and hope her real soul comes back, do you know how fucking crazy that sounds!” Nick screeches at Matt
“I have to agree with Nick we have way too much on the line to attempt this, if y/n soul doesn’t come back we’re stuck with some random spirit who doesn’t know us” Chris said shaking his head and letting out a deep sigh
“Do you realize how insane this looks WE ARE ATTEMPTING TO GET A SPIRIT BACK TO THE RIGHT BODY?!?! WE’RE NOT FUCKING GHOST BUSTERS HOW IS THIS SHIT FUCKING REAL” Nick yelled at Matt with wide eyes and a shocked face
“Might I also add there’s no way this is real? Like no fucking way we sound fucking crazy” Chris said laughing a little
Y/N was completely silent watching the boys banter back and forth. She was contemplating if she wanted to do this or not; because this was in fact INSANE. They had to kill her physical body in order for her soul to come back. Was this a fucking movie?? She wasn’t too sure if she wanted to believe this. One part of her wanted to be back and enjoy her life like she was supposed to, but another part of her felt bad for the other spirit that most likely had no real body to go back to. She would be forgotten forever and feel lost and cold like Y/N had felt for those 7 months trying to figure out who *scratch that* WHAT she was. Y/N felt horrible just thinking about this poor soul having to truly die.
“Guys I’m not so sure how I feel about this” Y/N finally opened up while looking that the three boys
“What do you mean? Don’t you want to come back, and not be a ghost in our lives?” Chris said almost dumbfounded
“Of course I want to come back to you guys. I love and miss you, and these past 7 months have been dark and cold and lonely, but this other soul in me will soon feel that, and I don’t want her to feel how I felt. It’s a scary dark feeling” she says as she wipes tears from her eyes
“Y/N we can’t live without you, what are you going to do just take over this random spirit everyday, and leave her confused when she comes back to your body?” Matt asks, almost annoyed that Y/N would even think of not trying this.
“You know maybe I’m meant to die. Maybe I’m meant to just be a memory of yours, a ghost that follows you around. Maybe that’s what my fate has been all along” Y/N says to them, immediately their faces drop
“Have you lost your fucking mind? You are not meant to die! You are meant to be here with us can’t you see this? You’re meant to be here with me? You’re my Y/N” Matt said getting emotional
“You know y/n Matt’s right! If you weren’t meant to be alive your soul wouldn’t be here for as long as it did, after a while you’re supposed to come to terms and move on into the actual after life and not be a ghost searching” Padi said looking over at the boys
“But I’m scared. What if this doesn’t work out I’ll be gone forever then” y/n said avoiding eye contact out of heartbreak
“I’m very confident this will work. If I wasn’t sure I would’ve never brought it up” Padi responds walking over to Y/N and giving her a comforting hug
“Lets do it” Y/N says after Padi released her from the hug
“YES OMG YES” Chris jumps up dancing around like a child, and to this everyone laughed at his excitement
“Well how do we do this? How do we kill me without causing me pain” Y/N said cringing a little bit at this absurd situation
“I mean you could drown, or take too much medicine, suffocate” Padi said all nonchalant
“Jesus, Padi that’s intense” Nick said very shocked
“So either get killed or kill myself” Y/N said very perplexed, and to this Padi nodded with an apologetic look on her face
“But you’ll have to do while still in the body, and as your life is fading away you have to leave the body, and wait till the physical body is dead before you take over the body, this allows time for the old soul to leave, and that’s when you have to get in the body. But you have to time it right or both souls will be dead and you’ll be left with a physical dead body which will not be good for you guys” Padi said looking over at the boys. Their expressions changed, and they started to look worried and stressed
“GUYS! This will work. I will get back to my body!” Y/N said giving them a reassuring smile
“Although you could technically kill yourself I recommend that you be killed so one of them has complete control over the situation” Padi said and everyone nodded to this
“Alright, who wants to kill me?” Y/N asks getting up from her chair all excited
“The fact that you’re excited is very concerning to me. We don’t want to do this” Chris said rubbing his eyes
“Don’t be a pussy Chris” Y/N said laughing at him, Chris lifts his head up and points at Y/N “this bullying I don’t miss” he said laughing a little bit
“Are we doing this now?” Matt asks looking over at Y/N. She nods and gives him a weak smile
They all head upstairs to Matt’s room. Y/N lays down on the bed and gives them a reassuring smile
“This will work guys I promise you I’m coming back! I can not leave you guys” she said as puts her head down on the bed
“Okay so as the body is dying you need to leave the body, and wait for the body to die. As a spirit you will know when the body is dead, and then you need to enter the body, and CPR will have to be done and if you entered correctly you Y/N should be back in your correct body.” Padi said like it was the easiest thing ever
“Easier said than done” Nick says shaking his head and pacing around the room
“Calm down Nick! Alright, who's killing me?” Y/N said almost laughing at her words
To this question all the boys just froze now wanting to be responsible for the possible death of their best friend.
“Matt you should do it” Chris blurts out pushing Matt forward and backing away
“ME?!?! Are you fucking crazy kid?” Matt turns around looking at Chris
“Holy shit someone just kill me already I want to be back in my body” Y/N groans getting annoyed that we didn’t want to kill her
Matt nods his head and walks over to the bed. He grabs a pillow and looks down at Y/N with tears welling in his eyes
“I’m so fucking sorry if this doesn’t work out. I love you so much” Matt says, and with this Y/N nods her head and whispers" I love you back "before nodding at him to go on.
Matt lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and places the pillow over Y/N's face pushing down with as much weight as he could. It took a few seconds for her to start thrashing around. “FUCK IM SORRY IM SORRY” Matt yells while crying and continuing to put pressure on her thrashing body. Behind him stood a sad Padi, and Chris and Nick clinging onto each other crying a little bit as well. After 4 minutes of this agonizing torture to Matt. Y/N’s body stopped moving and she went completely limp. Matt removes the pillow and frantically looks at Padi
“WHAT DO I DO NOW” he says wide eyed, Padi runs over and checks Y/N’s pulse, realizing she doesn’t have one she has the boys help her get Y/N onto the floor so she can perform CPR
Padi immediately starts giving Y/N CPR and mouth to mouth. The boys are starting to worry that this crazy plan was actually a very stupid and reckless plan, and that y/n fate might be over.
Padi is pumping down on Y/N’s chest like she was a lifeless ragdoll, and to Matt that’s exactly what she looked like. Matt was starting to have a panic attack as he started to realize the love of his life may never come back.
Flash Back
Matt never really believed in love, and of course he loved his friends and family, and as him and his brothers grew famous on social media he began to love his fans. But real love? The love you see in movies, and read in books? Yeah that love had Matt laughing, and calling anyone who believed in love and soulmates an absolute fool.
He can't really remember when he started loving you, because he never believed in love. Oftentimes he was annoyed with how much of a hopeless romantic you were. Always looking for love, and to give love, but he found it pointless, and childish. He always tried to tell you to stop looking because it wasn't real, and no matter how many heartbreaks, nights of you being stood up or flat out rejected you never stopped loving. Although he was getting tired of having to pick up the broken pieces, and always being his shoulder to cry on, he would never say I told you so, and you always knew thats what he wanted to say. He admired the fact that even after all the heartbreak you still got up, and found the good in people, and would continue many more of these painful experiences.
He wasn't sure if he fell in love with you because you showed him how easy it is to love and be loved, or because you were always there wanting to be a part of his life, or maybe it was when he would be holding you after another asshole treated you terribly. And he would always tell himself “I would never hurt her shes all I ever wanted.” But he always told himself no because Matt Sturniolo doesn’t fall in love.
Flashback over
But why is it now as he watches your body slip away, hes feeling the weight of 1,000 pounds on his chest constricting his airway. Why is it that right now he wants to shake you awake and tell you how much he has always loved you, but was too scared to accept that he himself, in all his flaws and imperfections, can too feel true love.
Matt slowly calms himself down as Padi is still performing CPR. It’s been two minutes, but in Matt's mind it felt like all of eternity.
Suddenly he hears Y/N jump up and take a sharp inhale as she comes to her senses,
“Y/N?” Matt says looking over at her
“It’s me Matt, it's me” she says giving me a smile
Matt runs over to her on the floor and scoops her up
“You showed me love! You showed me that no matter how imperfect I am I can still be loved. I'm such an idiot for not realizing it sooner. I have loved you since the day you drunkenly told me that any woman was lucky to have me, and that in another lifetime I was yours to keep.” Matt said looking into Y/N’s eyes. She blushed at this statement and looked down.
“Matt I have loved you since the day I saw your eyes shimmer a different hue when I broke things off with that one guy. That day I truly felt like we would be each other's everything one day, or nothing at all. I held onto that hope, and as each day went on I slowly started to believe this was all made up, and you were not mine to have.” Y/N said looking at Matt reading his face to see how he felt
“Y/N I love you, and I need you in my life forever and always whether it's in this lifetime or another. You will always be mine, and I feel horrible for only truly realizing this as you lay dying, and fighting to come back to your real body.” Matt said, grabbing Y/N’s face and looking her in the eyes.
“Matt you’re my everything, and I need you here with me for the rest of my life” she responded looking down at Matt’s lips
They both looked into each others eyes, and down to each other's lips, both leaning in, and sharing a kiss that could stop time, and cure every problem within themselves.
After pulling away they were interrupted by Chris
“That was the cutest shit I have ever seen now stop before you make me sick” he said as he wiped a tear from his eye and went over to hug Matt and Y/N, Nick walks over as well to join the group hug. “Yall are so fucking cute” he said also wiping his tears.
“ I suppose I’m no longer needed” Padi said with the biggest smile on her face, they broke the group hug and smiled at her thanking her.
“Padi I don’t know what I would have done without you, you literally saved me in all aspects” Y/N said giving her a hug
“Its what I do, but you need to take care of yourself, and make sure you allow yourself to properly heal. You just transferred from a soul back to a human” Padi said laughing a little bit.
“This is fucking insane, I still can’t believe this is real” Chris said acting mind blown
“This is probably the craziest unbelievable shit to have ever happened, and this stays between all of us” Nick said rubbing his eyes. We all agreed and let Padi pack up so she can head out.
Before she left she turned around to us
“The girl says thank you for setting her soul free. She’s able to go watch over her family before she completely moves on” Padi said, we all smiled at this, and allowed Padi to leave.
“Guys im so fucking happy to be back I missed you all, and I really missed Matt” Y/N said giving Matt a kiss on the cheek.
“Were so fucking happy to have you back! What do you say? movie night in my room??” Nick asked, all excited, and we agreed. Nick and Chris ran up the stairs then Matt, and the me, but before I could make it to the second step I felt a shiver down my spine and my neck hairs stand up.
This caused me to straighten up, and let go of Matt’s hand, this caused him to turn and look at me.
“Hey you okay?” He asked raising an eyebrow
“Yeah I'm good! Thought I felt something, but I think its just after shock of everything.” She responded back to the worried boy. He nodded his head, and they all went back to running up to Nick’s room.
The end.
Or was it……
Thank you sooo much for reading part 2. I’m not sure if I’ll do a part 3 I don’t want this story to drag on, so it depends maybe I will, or maybe you’ll end it how you want in your mind.
-J💅🏽
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princessb4mbi · 1 year
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MESSAGES I CAN’T SEND
꩜ tags black!reader, therapist!eren, college setting, age gap (reader in 20s, eren in 30s), power dynamic, not so protective sex? mentions of death [not proofread]
꩜ synopsis isn’t it obvious to hide your private life better? or was it not obvious when a video of you dry-humping a pillow was sent to your therapist.
@ word count 3.6k
story below the cut !!
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ever since you’ve lost your mother to old age, your mental health has spiraled downwards a little bit. you’ve had the privilege of knowing when she WOULD die and at-least died in a proper place rather than somewhere shitty, so that’s cheered your spirits up a little bit. she was your best friend though, and losing your best friend is painful. you went to her whenever you could, talked on the phone for hours, and slept in her bed every night as if you were still five years old. 
you weren’t the only one suffering though, your childhood friend sasha couldn’t stand watching you wither away. even though she did everything she could, she knew she was capable of oh so much. 
you weren’t the only one suffering though, your childhood friend sasha couldn’t stand watching you wither away. even though she did everything she could, she knew she was capable of oh so much. 
“do you want me to hook you up with my therapist? he’ll seriously help you clear all cloudy thoughts away y/n,” sasha says caressing your cheeks
you move your face away from her hand, “they aren’t cloudy thoughts sas, im just grieving my mother..” 
“i know baby, i know.. but i don’t want to grieve YOU if you die of a heartbreak. i want you to get better, physically and mentally.” sasha looks at me emphatically.
she pulls out her phone and scrolls through her contacts until stopping at a card called “dr.jaeger”. “listen, give him a call please. his prices are cheap and his place is nice. it’s not like those dull white offices with an ugly long chair and a monotone person.” 
you sighed, reluctantly agreeing to her copying and pasting the number to your phone. “okey, i gotta go now babe, but PROMISE me you’ll give him a call, he’ll help you, and if he doesn’t i’ll play for any of your bills ok?” sasha says packing up her stuff. she kisses your cheek before leaving the quiet study area, leaving you alone to your own thoughts. 
you stare at the contact card, pulling dr. jaeger’s name up on your laptop and scrolling through his website. sasha was right about one thing, his prices WERE cheap. about $65 an hour and he also had packages where two weeks of therapy would be about $350 in total.   
the prices however, weren’t enough to convince you fully, as your scroll down to see the reviews.  
“dr. jaeger saved me. after the loss of my wife, i never felt like so lonely, but my daughter told me about him and he’s helped me heal properly and not turn to anything crazy. he’s an amazing person with amazing talents as such a young age. 5 stars” 
ok.. that was something. not that you were going to invalidate them, but that seemed just.. fake. you decided to read another one.
“oh my gosh. no one would believe how amazing someone is at listening and understanding a person’s thoughts. dr. jaeger was nothing like those terrible therapists who make you pay $100 for an shitty hour call. oh how i wished i can say more, but the character limit is fu” 
you giggled at that one. maybe i should give him a call. with a deep breath, you called the number. 
“hello? my name is y/n, i’d like to speak to dr. jaeger please.” 
— 
it’s been about a month since you’ve scheduled a session with dr. jaeger, only having to wait that long due to “heavy traffic”. sasha is currently driving you to the building. 
“you know, i’m really proud of you for calling. i was scared you were going to stay depressed forever.” sasha says over her 80s radio playing. 
“let’s not get too happy yet, he could still be shit at his job..” you say cutting down any happy thoughts. 
“you’re STILL doubting him y/n? i get that some people are money hungry, but i promise you he’s not. if he was, do you think ME of all people would be recommending you to him? i mean c’mon, have some faith please.” 
“i’m sorry, i just nervous ok. my stomach is doing backflips at the moment.” 
“hey man, if you feel like farting, ill park somewhere and you can walk the rest of the way.”
you two pull up to the parking lot, fancy with a modern style front. the office itself if very modern and 2 floored. 
“k, i’m gonna drop you off here, call me when you’re done ok?” 
you walk out of sasha’s car, waving her goodbye while she drives away. you walk into the sleek office, with painting from what you the assume were from the last two centuries. 
the receptionist greets you with a nice smile “welcome, how may i help you today?” you give her your name. “ah i see, you right on time then, ill have this guard guide you to dr. jaeger’s office.” just then, a semi tall man with a black uniform from comes in-front of me. “right this way.” 
he leads me into the elevator, where he then leads me into a hallway with lots of rooms. there’s multiple therapists in this building, all with different ways. as i look through the glass windows, i see pet therapy, group therapy and even massage therapy. the guard finally stops at a door, with a name tag having “DR. JAEGER” on it. “here’s your room, have a nice day.” he says as he’s walking away. you give him a quick thank you and knock on the door. 
a deep “come in.” follows shortly after, and you enter the room. first impression of when you enter the room was that sasha was right. the room was anything from boring, and didn’t have white walls but instead had a mix of brown and auburn. there was lots of old-style decor too. a record player, cd’s and even the tv was kinda old. 
however you were greeted with the most shocking thing of all, dr. jaeger himself. he looked away from his papers, to look at you and gave you a warm smile. his visuals was… something you didn’t expect. most therapist are middle-aged men and women, that are sort-of not the most attractive. but that was ok, because they wanted to help you, not seduce you. dr. jaeger on the other hand was extremely beautiful. he has dark brown hair, put up in a semi-messy bun, the most luscious green eyes, and very kissable pink lips. 
i guess you were admiring his facial features for too long to notice dr. jaeger looking at you weirdly. “maybe un-responsive.” he mutters to himself, typing down on his laptop. upon hearing his words, you apologize and scurried to the seat in-front of him. 
“or not. . . my name is dr. jaeger, if you’ve haven’t gotten a chance to see on the door.” 
“i did, sorry for not responding earlier.” 
“it’s ok, its common for most genders to be shocked at how i look.” dr. jaeger said in a non-concerned voice. you were took aback a little by his comment, most genders to be shocked at how he looked? you were wondering if he was just annoyed at the common occurrence or just knew that he was an attractive man. “pushing that aside,” he sighed “sasha has told me a lot about you.” he says looking up at you. 
“she did?” you question.
“mhm, she cares for you ms….” he looks at the paper look for your last name. 
“y/l/n.” 
“ah, thank you. sasha cares for you ms. y/l/n. she talks about your recovery, and wants you to best happy for her.” he says maintaining eye contact. you can’t respond to such kindness. all you can do is nod your head and smile. 
“but as a therapist view-point, the death of a loved one is one of the hardest battle we have to overcome as a human being. no matter how emotionless a person may be, the death of anything else to them will always cause someone to break. that’s just how we are, we humans . . . after all.” he says empathically. 
“my job isn’t to make you forget your mother, or forget the pain you feel about her. you always feel pain lingering about her, and that’s ok. i’m just here to help you reduce that pain.” 
you were shocked. cheap prices, handsome therapist AND a good one at that? maybe it’s good to stay faithful after all. 
— 
it’s been about 3 weeks since you’ve had daily therapy sessions with mr. jaeger and he’s honestly been helping you a lot. you had different kinds of sessions, like walking around and even some pet therapy. today was for a usual one-on-one walk around the building beautiful outside landscape.
as you and dr. jaeger walk around, you wave to the other clients with their own therapists. “see how social you’ve gotten? when we first came here, you were begging to stay back inside due to all the people,” he jokes around. “now, you’re friendly with them. it’s good progress.” he smiles to himself. 
“it was only because of you, dr. jaeger. i don’t think i’d be the way i am without your help.” 
“ah. . . don’t flatter me too much. let’s sit right here yea?” he says pointing towards the swinging wood benches. “it’s beautiful outside, isn’t it ms. y/l/n?” he turns to look at you. 
“yea, it really is.” you turn back to stare at him. god, you can stare into his eyes for hours. it’s something that about that were so addicting, that you couldn’t look away if you wanted to. to break the silence, you decided to follow up with a cheeky comment. “say dr. jaeger, you really know how to keep a client.” he moves his head to the side, confused. “i like to believe that my clients stay with my due to how i help them and not my looks.” ah fuck. it was not received well at all, and you just profusely apologized to him. 
“but, if my looks did make people stay, that wouldn’t be all too bad huh,” he says giving a hearty laugh. “but tell me now, ms y/l/n. does my looks make you stay?” you were at a loss for words. one part of you wanted to say “fuck yes” while another part of you wanted to say “absolutely not”. and you of course went with the latter. 
“whatever your answer is, it doesn’t bother me either way. . . but it looks like our time is up ms. y/l/n.” you look down at your phone for the time. it was up after he exclaimed. the two of you head back to his office to pick you up your stuff. 
that night later, you were chilling in your bed, getting ready to dose off. you however, couldn’t sleep without thinking about a fantasy. it didn’t matter what type, other than it having to be something interesting. you close your eyes, your mind shifting to dr. jaeger, and the moments between you two that drove you insane. like that one time he wore a turtle neck, showing off his clothed six-pack abs. you imagined yourself touching them, feeling the rock-hardness of them. you open your eyes again, looking around the room. to be honest, you haven’t.. you know what, in a while and you thought it might be time to do it again. 
you move your bedsheets closer to the edge to give you more space. and moved all your pillows away except for one. you pulled your phone out and started to record. it might seem weird to other people, but you like to record yourself, in the time that you couldn’t find anything good on twitter or reddit. 
you start to rock your hips back n forth on the pillow, assuming it the body of a male. maybe it was dr. jaeger body you could’ve been assuming it off. either way, it turned you on, seeing how you started to move faster on your pillow. one of your hands grip the pillow, as the other hand massages your boob. you move faster, enjoying the friction your clit is getting between the pillow and your soaked panties. you close your eyes, imagining dr. jaeger guiding your body with his big, veiny hands. as you’re about to climax, you can’t help but subtly whimper his name. 
once you’ve finished, you end the video. while you’re cleaning up, sasha enters the room. “hey girlie, i was thinking of getting some drinks tomorrow night? wanna come?” she says exciting. “i would but i have a session with dr. jaeger tomorrow.” 
“boo, you’re boring.” 
“whatever, i’m going to the shower, so let me know if anything happens ok?” 
“yea yea boring y/n.” 
you go to the bathroom and take off your clothes, hopping inside the shower. you turn on the water, letting the lukewarm water hit your skin. you are alone with your thoughts until sasha comes inside the bathroom. 
“not to be nosey, but dr. jaeger texted you.” she says. 
“mhm really? what did he say?” 
“i didn’t look at it properly, but something about a daily wellness video?” you knew right away. dr. jaeger usual makes his clients make videos of themselves with positive affirmations, then with their consent, he’ll use it on his website for future clientele. 
“ahh ok! just send him the most recent video.” you photo gallery takes forever to update, so there’s a chance it’ll take forever to show the video of your “naughty time”. 
“ok, sending right now… and it’s sent. if he wants a further conversation, i’ll let you know.” 
“thanks sash.” 
as you walk out the steamy bathroom, and get ready for bed, you check your notifications for any new ones. you go into the chat between you and dr. jaeger, seeing if theres anything new. you took a look at the video of your affirmation, seeing the shirt you wore today as the thumbnail. you clicked on it, expecting your face to zoom out, as you were testing the camera quality always. to your shock, you camera didn’t zoom out. but instead was your body moving back and forth on something. your heart dropped. it couldn’t be. you’re praying it wasn’t. you skip some of the video to see if it was truly what you think it was, but the video suddenly changed to a more in-depth shot of you humping the pillow with your panties being in view. 
your heart start to beat faster than usual. you click off the video to delete it right away. dr. jaeger didn’t respond to it, and it said it was ‘delivered.’ you wanted to tell yourself that he hasn’t seen it, and probably watches those videos early in the morning. you weren’t going to stress yourself out though, you were just gonna go to his office per usual, and get counseling per usual.
— 
you take a deep breath and knock at his door, hoping it all ends well. you hear his “come in” but it sounds different from before. his voice went an octave lower. you walk into the room, seeing a more “messy” side of dr. jaeger. at-least he didn’t look at cleaned up as he usually does. his bun was a lot more frizzy from before and he had two buttons undone on his button up shirt. 
maybe he had a rough morning. you think to yourself. “good morning ms. y/l/n. how was your night?” you stopped for a second. such a simple question was something so dangerous to you. “it was fine, dr. jaeger. how about yours?” 
“oh. one of the best i’ve had in a while.” 
“ah. mine was the worst i’ve had in a while.” you mumbled. 
“really? i would’ve assumed you’ve had a very nice night ms. y/l/n.” 
you stare at him confused. what could he mean by that? yea, you fixed your hair a little better than usual, and your eye bags have gone away overtime, but you truly did have a sleepless night yesterday. dr. jaeger gets up from his chair, to lean on his desk, standing in-front of you. he stared down at you with his usually lighter colored eyes now displayed a dark-green. and his pupils were more extended. 
“i don’t know what gives you the impression that i’ve had a nice night dr. jaeger.” 
he bends to to match the height of the chair, and put both of his hands on the rest, restricting me from mounting off of it easily. “let’s cut the crap, y/n. i saw what you sent me.” at this moment, it felt like 100 daggers were suddenly lodged into your chest. 
“i wondered why you asked what you did yesterday. i thought to myself ‘maybe she thought i was attractive’, but i see it was more than that i see,” he says not breaking eye contact. “you see, as a human, we see something we like, and have many kinds of thoughts about it. and i see the thoughts you have towards me are stronger than what i expected.” 
“i’m truly sorry dr. jaeg-“ 
“call me eren, seeing as that is what you called me in the video.” 
“i’m sorry eren, truly. i don’t want to do anything to make you uncomfortable or hurt this relationship between us.” i say holding back my tears. 
“hurt? uncomfortable? those words are out of the park right now,” he says standing up. “to be honest, tell me why you came today y/n.” 
“to have a therapy session with you.” you meekly say.
“is my looks standing in the way of you healing with the death of your mother?” he says standing behind me. 
“not at all, dr. jae- eren.” 
“so then what provoked you to send me a five minute long video of you fucking yourself to a pillow in the imagination that it’s me?” you were at a loss for words. he was right. your heart sank as his word dug deeper into you. and you couldn’t hold back your tears anymore. you started to quietly sob, feeling large hands down your shoulders. you feel a hot breath near your eyes chill down your spine. “don’t cry, not in this manner at least,” he says in your ear. 
“cry because you can’t handle it, y/n.” 
you stopped and turned to look at him. he had a devilish grin on his face. “handle what?” you say, not catching his gist. 
“you’ll find out soon enough.”
eren lifts you up by the arm and spins you around to face him completely. you didn’t know what was going on, but you didn’t want to push away. your faces was a mere 4 inches away from each other. “can i? y/n. . . can i give you what you want?” 
you look at his eyes then his lips then his eyes again. fuck it, you nod your head and eren kisses you passionately. he stops kissing you for a moment to push the chairs aside. you look at his desk to see his usually messy papers cleaned up to the side. he planned this probably . . . eren picks you up and places you on his desk. 
he places a hand on your chin, rubbing it gently. “open it baby,” he says as his kisses you again, but placing his tongue all over the inside of your mouth. his hands tug on the bottom of your shirt, signaling for it to be removed. in between each kiss, you both take off a piece of clothing until you up to your undergarments. eren slips his large hand under your breast, fondling with it while he leaves wet hickeys on your neck. with the other hand he unclasps the bra, throwing it the ground. he kisses you again, muttering “nice tits”.
you pull at the band of his underwear, “want you in me ren’.” you whine. “patience baby.” eren says sliding your panties off to the floor. 
“are you on any pills by any chance?”, he says rubbing ur slick all over your cunt. “m-mhm ren.’”
“good. so i don’t have to hold back.” 
eren slips his underwear off, revealing his long, veiny and girthy dick. you want to guess it’s around 6-7 inches, but it was gonna tear you up regardless. he strokes his dick, ‘lubing’ it up with his pre-cum. he inches closer to you, having his dick and your hole just one insert away from each other. you open your legs wider and lay down on his desk, giving him more access to yourself. “didn’t even have to ask.” eren said.
he teases the tip of his dick on your clit. your whole body tingles in response, arching your back off the cold desk. “please ren’…” you beg, desperately wanting his dick buried into you. “please fuck me eren.” 
“as you wish.” with that, eren aligns himself with your entrance, slowly pushing himself in. the both of you moan simultaneously from the pleasure you both felt. eren starts to push his hips back and forth into you, keeping a firm grip on your waist. eren keeps a nice pace, making sure to satisfy both sides. suddenly, eren lifts your legs, wrapping them around his waist. you jolted from the tingle he gave you. you were trying to conceal your moans, but every time it was getting louder than usual, eren made sure put his hand over your mouth.
eren’s pace starts to unstable, moving fast at times and then slowing down to grind himself on you. you can tell he was close to his climax, seeing how desperate and shaky thrusts were. 
“‘m so close baby. . .” he grunts. 
“‘ren please! mhm.” you whine, begging him to release. 
“at the same time? what a good girl..” he barely breathes out. 
eren picks you up by the waist to pull you closer to him. there wasn’t enough space between you too, but he didn’t care. eren grinds his dick into you, feeling his dick throb in your walls. then, you feel a warm liquid pour inside of you, while at the same time cry out from your orgasm. 
267 notes · View notes
astonishment · 1 year
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Darling, Dearest Dead 7/8
“I thought you said Divination was a load of shit” Sirius says, looking over at his friend.
“You don’t have to come in if you don’t want to.” James tells him as he knocks on Madam Trelawney’s door.
“No, no. I’ll go.” Sirius assures. “I just want to be sure this is what you really want.”
“What I want is answers, and if anybody has them, it’s gonna be her.” James says as they make their way into the room.
“Gentleman, what can I do for you?” Madam Trelawney asks, standing from her seat by the fireplace.
“Um, well you see...I was hoping you could help me..” James starts off nervously, “There’s this girl—“
“The corpse.” Madam Trelawney finishes.
“Yes. Her.” James confirms with a nod.
Madam Trelawney brings the boys to a round table she has set up in the back and they all have a seat before continuing.
“What about her?” she asks.
“I...well I keep dreaming of her. In my dreams, she seems...troubled? Almost conflicted. I try to make my way towards her but no matter how much I run, I can never get to her. She’s always just out of reach. I call out her name and she hears me! She turns to face me and her lips are moving, but I can’t hear what she’s saying. She stands there, and it’s as if she’s staring into my soul. She’s waiting for something, that I know. I think she’s waiting for me to respond to whatever it was she said. When she doesn’t get an answer she turns around and disappears...and then I wake up.” James finishes.
Sirius’ heart breaks for his best friend. This whole thing sounds crazy, but seeing how much it’s tearing up his friend, he hopes Madam Trelawney can help him.
“I see...and what are you wishing to get here?” she asks the pair sitting in front of her.
“Answers.” James responds immediately, “I just...I just want to know if she’s okay.”
“And did you bring something of hers? It’s not necessary but the bond with the spirit is stronger if you have something tied to them directly.” she tells them.
James scrambles to his feet, checking all his pockets before presenting her with a simple gold band.
“It was hers. For a short time, but hers nonetheless.”
“Spirits from beyond this realm, we are searching for a friend of ours who we’ve lost. Y/N Y/L/N, if you’re there, if you can hear me, please come forward. This is a safe place and we wish you no ill intent. We just want to talk. Please.” Madam Trelawney calls.
They sit in silence for a few moments, waiting for something, anything to happen. James’ leg keeps bouncing up and down anxiously. A curtain billows slightly, as if a breeze passed through it, even though all the windows are shut. Madam Trelawney suddenly gasps, startling Sirius in the process.
“Someone’s here.”
Sirius and James look at each other before sitting up straighter at the table.
“Y/N?” She starts gently, not wanting to scare the spirit off, “Is that you?” she asks before chuckling softly.
“What’s so funny?” James asks, confused.
“She said ‘who wants to know’” she responds with a bit of a smile.
“That’s her! That’s Y/N!” James all but shouts. “Can you see her?”
“No, I’m afraid not. She hasn’t presented herself to me.”
“What? Why not?” James asks worriedly.
“Some spirits simply don’t want to be seen, we have to respect that.” She answers.
James sighs before asking the question that’s been on his mind for the longest time, “Is she okay?”
“Mm, that’s a tricky question. She says yes but it doesn’t feel like it.”
“What do you mean? What does it feel like?”
“The room feels empty, cold...lonely. There’s a heaviness here, filled with..dread? Pain..a lot of it.”
James’ heart aches, knowing that this is the way she’s feeling and he can’t stop himself from speaking.
“Y/N? Dearest, are you still there? Look, you don’t have to say anything, darling; just listen for a minute okay? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. I was an idiot who didn’t know what he wanted until it was too late but it’s you. I want you. Only you. Forever. If you’ll have me. Just...just let me know that there’s still a chance for us? Let me know that you still want me, and I’ll never let you go again. I’ll find a way to get to you, wherever you are. I just gotta know that you’ll be right there waiting for me.”
There’s silence for a few seconds before the candles lit on the table flicker and then go off.
“She’s gone.” Madam Trelawney says quietly.
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
James is walking through the forest yet again when his foot accidentally kicks something. He looks down and sees a small glass vial. Curious, James picks it up and reads the label. He doesn’t recognize any of the ingredients, yet it appears oddly familiar. It almost reminds him of the potions and concoctions that Balthasar had in his study. Shrugging, James pops the cork off. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Without a second thought, he brings the bottle to his lips and takes a long sip.
When he opens his eyes again he sees he’s no longer standing in the forest, but now in front of the Ball and Socket, the pub you brought him to when he first arrived. He bursts in through the doors and is immediately embraced by several people, all of which are conflicted about seeing him again.
“Oh James. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we’re so sorry that you’ve passed but are so excited that you’re back.” Mae tells him.
“Thank you! Glad to be back.” James says with a boyish grin. With a quick glance of the room, he sees that Y/N isn’t there and turns to Mae.
“Where’s my fiancée?” he asks.
All the chatter stops at that and everyone turns to listen in on the conversation.
“Don’t know” she answers honestly, “we hardly see her since you left.”
“She mostly just wanders around moping,” one says.
“I always see her at that bench by the old weirwood tree” says another.
“Right. Thanks!” James says before turning around and rushing out of the bar.
James runs all the way through town, bumping into several people along the way. But he doesn’t let that stop him, shouting an apology over his shoulder instead as he continues to run.
By the time he sees the weirwood tree in the distance he’s out of breath, but he keeps on running, desperate to see the woman he loves. He makes it there in record time and comes to a stop only a few feet away.
There you stand, looking as beautiful as the day you left him. Your back is turned to him as you stand admiring the view of the town below. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself before stepping forward, calling your name.
“Y/N?”
You turn around slowly before gasping.
“James? What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you.”
“James you absolute fool! What were you thinking?! We have to get to Balthasar immediately. It hasn’t been that long has it? Maybe there’s a way to fix this.”
“Fix what?” James asks, confused.
“This James. This is all wrong. You don’t belong here. Not yet at least. You’re too young to be dead. We need to fix this. We need to send you back. Let’s go see Balthasar? Please?” you beg.
“Afraid not.” James says, causing you to sigh. “Because there’s nothing to fix.”
At your confusion, he walks forward and cups your face gently, forcing you to look at him.
“I am right where I’m supposed to be. With you. I would die a thousand times over if it meant I could be with you. I..I love you.” he confesses softly.
You smile at that, all the anger melting away instantly.
“Oh James, I love you too.”
James leans forward slowly and you do the same. Right when your lips are about to meet, he wakes up.
James sits up in bed and takes in his surroundings. When he realizes he’s in his bedroom and not in the land of the dead, he sighs in disappointment.
Of course, he thinks to himself. Of course it was just a dream.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, James puts on his glasses and jumps out of bed.
“I know what I have to do.” he tells himself, hurrying down the stairs. “Wait for me Y/N. I’m coming.”
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wandafiction · 1 month
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Heart Like Yours
Warnings: Description of Terminal illness, talks of death, Sad and Angsty
(Unknown PoV)
I watch carefully, hidden behind the door looking through the small glass window, my body mostly hidden behind the wall so only part of my face is visible. The smiles on their faces are enough to light up the room, talking animatedly the light of the room dancing orbs in their eyes. Their hands tightly holding onto one another's, thumbs rubbing over knuckles, fingers tracing around the side of their hands; never not touching in some way as their fingers lace together. 
Palms pressing together, laughing slightly at the size difference in their hands; one considerably smaller than the other, their fingertips ever so carefully touching as if scared that their hands will pass right through one another and none of it will be real. I watch as one of them leans down slightly resting their forehead against the other, soft words being spoken between themselves; lips brushing together but neither closing the distance. 
The rings on their fingers almost seem to be glowing in the warmth light of the sun that has pushed its way through the clouds to light up the moment, my heart constricting at the pain I see in their eyes as their lips finally meet. Hands shaking, eyes closing lips never parting as they relish in the moment, in the warmth. The two of them are trapped in a bubble, to which the only escape is the door I’m standing in front of. A small giggle manages to make its way to my ears; a lone tear falling down my cheek as I see them smiling back at one another. A hand weaving through the dark locks, pushing it behind their ears as they brush their noses together. 
I don’t have enough courage to enter the room, or maybe it’s because I don’t want to interrupt whatever moments - whatever time - they have left with one another. My hand still reaches for the handle of the door, my other wiping at my cheek to hide the fact that I may or may not have been crying all the way over here. My eyes follow the movement as my one friend sits in her seat, having become a bed for many nights over many months, its rightful place next to the bed in which my other friend has not left in too long. Short walks permitted, showers permitted, going onto the zen garden permitted, going home not permitted. So many times have I listened to the knocks at my front door and even with it being a thin possibility I always hope it's them that have come to surprise me. 
The click of the door handle brings me out of my thoughts, not even realising my body was ready to enter the room while my mind was going crazy with a million thoughts going too fast to even process. The small noise seems to bring my two friends out of their moment and I’m afraid I might have popped the bubble they were living in, but instead of allowing it to dissipate completely they seem to just make it bigger with their smiles and small waves inviting me into it. Allowing me to become part of something they have been fighting together, allowing someone else into the ring with the towel and water, to give them a much needed break. I swallow the lump in my throat along with every pained emotion as they both smile at me, my one friend standing from her chair making her way over to me and pulling me into a tight hug. My arms immediately wrap around her body and I feel my own walls break, the lump in my throat is back and the emotions come back along with it and I feel tears start falling one after the next.
“Hey no tears, new rule. No tears allowed when in this room.” I can’t help but chuckle pulling myself away from the embrace looking at my friend in the bed as I wipe at my tears. 
“What rule number is that? There are so many I've lost count.” I feel something soft hit my face with some force, laughing when I see the pillow on the floor and my friend flipping me off.
“Oh, I’m sorry, are you the one in the bed? I think not, so I make the rules you live by them.” They say playfully with so much sass it's like they haven’t changed at all. 
“Well I did come here to see you, pass on the love from the family but your wife seems like much better company.” I smugly reply, wrapping my arm around the woman who is still standing next to me pulling her into my side as she throws her head back laughing at the look on her wife’s face.
“Hey, Nat play nice. I’m dying here and you’re already trying to get with my girl. Damn at least wait until after my funeral. Yes! Rule number 172. Nat and Wanda must not get with each other until Wanda’s wife, aka me, aka the greatest baddest bitch in the world, aka Y/n has passed on in this world to whatever lay beyond. Which I really hope is like a land made of candy and instead of horses its unicorns, and the rainbows would be made out of jellybeans and there would be like giant candy creatures or food creatures. Damn I love food. I dream about it most nights, no offense Wands you make a great second place.”
Wanda scoffs picking the pillow that was thrown at me earlier and throws it so it hits Y/n square in the face. All three of us burst out laughing as I let go of my hold on Wanda, letting her take her seat in her rightful place as I stand at the end of the bed, my hands resting on Y/n’s calves giving them a light squeeze. 
“So what’s the news?” I ask with dread as I see them both look at each other with sad eyes then back to me and I bow my head already knowing the news.
“I don’t qualify for the treatment, it's spread too much and I’m too far gone for them to do anything.”
“So, what? We just stand here and watch you die?! No, I’m not having that. There has to be something they can do, that we can do. You can’t just die! You can’t just give up now, you’ve been fighting this for so long. Why would you give up now?” I spit angry at the situation and using my friends as the verbal punching bag.
“Natasha.” Wanda’s scolding voice makes me cower, lifting my head slightly so I can look at her.
“It’s okay Wanda, she is just angry as were you. Just let her process it, let her deal with it.” Y/n says softly and Wanda nods her head, her body deflating as she leans down resting her head on Y/n’s thigh, her finger tracing around her knee.
“You can’t just quit Y/n. You’re not a quitter.” 
“I’ve been fighting this battle for too long Natasha, far too long and I have been losing for some time. I’m not calling it quits because the battle ended a long time ago and we were all just kidding ourselves when we continued on with it. There are no winners in this one, we just have to accept that we cannot beat what we are fighting, what I am fighting. I’m tired, my body is frail and exhausted, I have no hair left and my lips are so chapped that it hurts to kiss my own wife but I will never stop kissing her. So I kiss her through the pain, I wake up everyday to see her gorgeous smile, hear her gorgeous laugh, look at that cute little nose that scrunches in the most adorable way. She has been my lifeline in this battle, but I can't keep up with it all now. I just want my last few weeks to be as peaceful as possible. I wanted to see the world when I was younger, and I have. My world is in front of me. Wanda, you and our family. I will die happy knowing that I have everything I ever needed in life. So yes Nat this is where the battle ends, and I’m sorry if it's not something you wanted to hear but it's my choice and its final.”
“There’s really nothing that can be done?” I bite my bottom lip, Wanda’s hand moving to rest on top of mine giving it a gentle squeeze.
“No, this is it.” I nod looking up to the ceiling blinking my eyes quickly to will the tears away looking back down at the two of them letting out a harsh breath.
“Well we better make these moments worth it.”
♤♡◇♧
I watch carefully, hidden behind the door looking through the small glass window, my body mostly hidden behind the wall so only part of my face is visible. The smiles on their faces are enough to light up the room, the light of the room dancing orbs in their eyes. Y/n’s body leaning against Wanda's, their arms wrapped around her neck as her head rests on her shoulders, her pale complexion and the way her feet drag across the floor telling me everything I need to know.
The sound of the music is muffled but I can take a guess at what they are listening to as Wanda’s hands are set firmly on Y/n’s waist helping to keep her standing. Wanda’s head resting on top of Y/n’s every few seconds her mouth moves, assuming the words being spoken are soft and meaningful as instead of reply Y/n will turn her head to kiss Wanda wherever her lips can reach; which from their position is the top of her shoulder. 
The click of the door does not alert them to my presence, and even once I have entered the room they seem to be back in that protective bubble they created all that time ago. Both their eyes closed as they let the room fill with the song, gently entrapping them and keeping them safe from the outside world. I lean my back against the door gently closing it, this time the click of the door bringing Wanda back into this world. Her eyes are brimming with tears but with a smile on her face. She knows what is coming in the next few days, maybe hours, but when you are dancing to the song that played at your wedding no one can help when they are remaining over their best memories. 
Y/n doesn’t seem to be aware of my presence as Wanda wraps her arm around Y/n’s back as her other arm reaches out for me, her hand waving me over. I shuffle over to them, grabbing a hold of her hand and wrapping my arm around Y/n who lightly jumps at the contact, her eyes lazily open and a tired smile making its way onto her face when she sees me. 
“Hi Tasha.” She mumbles letting her eyes close again as Wanda’s hands move back to her waist and my arms wrap around the both of them resting my head against Y/n’s back. “Rule 171, no crying. Remember.”
“This is your wedding song.” I state into the room as the song starts again, obviously having it play on repeat. “Screw the rules, rules were made for breaking anyway.”
“It is, and they are.” Y/n allows her body to slump against mine more, taking more pressure off of her feet that are still dragging softly around the floor as me and Wanda gently sway all of us side to side and her soft voice fills the room as she lets the tears start to fall again.
Breathe deep, breathe clear
Know that I'm here, know that I'm here
Waiting
Stay strong, stay gold
You don't have to fear, you don't have to fear
Waiting
I'll see you soon, I'll see you soon
I hear Y/n gently humming along, a smile on her face as her hand moves to the side of Wanda’s neck, their thumb brushing against her jaw as we continue to sway.
How could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?
How could I live before?
How could I have been so blind?
You opened up my eyes
You opened up my eyes
Sleep sound, sleep tight
Here in my mind, here in my mind
Waiting
Come close, my dear
You don't have to fear, you don't have to fear
Waiting
I'll see you soon, I'll see you soon
How could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?
I move my head to look at Y/n her chest gently rising and falling as a light snore passes her lips and I can't help but let out a small chuckle. Wanda notices as well, bending down and easily lifting Y/n bridal style - too easily - and places her gently back in the bed pulling the covers over her. The song continues to play softly in the background as Wanda decides to climb in bed with Y/n, and I take a seat where Wanda would normally sit. I move my hands to hold one of theirs each in mine as Wanda’s eyes never leave Y/n continuing to sing softly to her.
How could I live before?
How could I have been so blind?
You opened up my eyes
You opened up my eyes
Hold fast hope
All your love is all I've ever known
Wanda presses a soft kiss to the top of Y/n’s head before resting hers on their chest and wrapping her arm around their waist. Her hand comes to rest on mine that is holding Y/n’s giving it a small squeeze and my eyes meet hers, both of us with tears in our eyes as Y/n’s breaths become a little more shallow with everyone she takes; slowly falling into a proper sleep. Through the years I never thought that I would have to say goodbye to my friend, or Wanda say goodbye to her wife and no one can truly prepare you for when you say goodbye. But as I watch Wanda singing softly to her wife, a small smile painted on their face even in their sleep I know that even though it was a short life it most definitely has been a good life.
Hold fast hope
All your love is all I've ever known
How could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?
How could I live before?
How could I have been so blind?
You opened up my eyes
You opened up my eyes
You opened up my eyes
You opened up my eyes
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sashi-ya · 1 year
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𝕰𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖙𝖞 𝖑𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖘 𝖔𝖓𝖑𝖞 𝖋𝖔𝖗 𝖆 𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖚𝖙𝖊 +18. Aizen Sōsuke x F! Reader
✦ requested by Anonymous for the free requests ➜ heyyy sashi^^ maybe some stuff about aizen, especially muken version? ➜ Of course! he is such an amazing character to me, the way he is written is pure poetry. I hope you enjoy this fic ♡ ✦ tw: playing with your mind. mouth restriction. bondage. suspension. violence (aizen pushes reader to the ground). fingering. vaginal penetration. deep mind fuck and feelings exposed. ✦ wc: 2.9k
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“(Name)-san… I have to ask you to keep this in between you and I” Kyoraku Shunsui, General Captain of the Gotei 13 requests you with a serious tone.
“I’m not telling this to anyone, Kyoraku Soo Taicho. I’m extremely grateful for what you are allowing us to do, and I will never betray your trust” you say, bowing before the laid-back captain.
“Heh…betrayal is not a proper word to use in this particular case. But what’s fair is fair. However, kid, I must warn you… and forgive me for repeating this to you, but please be careful… Sosuke Aizen is the spawn of Hell”
The mustiness and the darkness of Muken hits you once the ten thousand locks let the doors open. They say this is worse than hell, and they are right. It’s endless. It’s dark, cold, humid, lonely. The sadness creeps through your bones. It whispers the inevitable destiny of going against the rules some have stated as fair.
But, you were a revolutionary. And so it was him. You always saw that man like the one who dared to break the pattern, the endless inhibitions, and the path of those he called losers. Aizen didn’t want to be mediocre… winners don’t ask how the world is, but how it should be…
Yet, he forgot that even gods have weaknesses. Solitude and love. There is, still, no higher being able to scape the unstoppable force of their own human nature, the heart that he thought he lost and the need for your skin… oh so sacred velvety flesh that once felt so soft on his palm, against his body melting with yours.
“Aizen-sama…” you whisper, in pure darkness. Kyoraku Taicho has already left -or perhaps it’s what you wish he did-.
Lights turn on, like the stelas that guide even the blindest person, on each side of an immeasurable scaffold. He is there, hanging, vertically. As if he had been crucified, like the God of some humans in the world of the living.
You can’t see his face; it’s covered in black ties. His arms, his wrists. There is no single showing of that skin you miss so much. Where have the sweet captain of squared glasses gone? Was that just a total façade, or maybe, in all that innocent play was at least a hint of his inner self?
“(Name)… why are you here?” he asks. You are sure he isn’t talking with his mouth. That’s most probably Kyoka Suigetsu helping him do it.
You gasp. Why is he asking? Isn’t he intelligent enough to understand the reason why you are here?
“Sosuke… I was allowed to visit you for what you have done for the Soul Society” you whisper, it’s enough for him to hear. “I couldn’t help it… I’m sorry”
You mourn in the silence he explicitly chooses to surround you with. The purple gaze of the lights that barely kisses his restricted face feels not enough to avoid you from shivering. You aren’t scared of him, you are scared of the immensity and wilderness this place has. Is this really necessary? He betrayed them, sure but… He helped them, right?
“You are thinking of how unfair this place is, right (Name)-san? You are mad because you believe I shouldn’t be in here… but, it’s just twenty thousand years… I’m immortal, you know that” he calmly informs you, as if you didn’t know… As if it wasn’t exactly the infinite pain that that brings you daily.
You fall down your knees. Your mind can only focus on that number. Stop repeating it, Aizen!
“Stand up. I can’t tolerate to see you kneeling that way” he scolds you.
“Aren’t you a God, Aizen-sama? Shouldn’t I pay you entirely and exclusively respect to such a higher being?” you ask. Was it really what you thought? Yes. Indeed, it was.
Your mind goes blank for some seconds. You don’t know exactly when it happened, but, you see Aizen breaking with his strong hands the seals that prevent him from scaping.
You gasp, in awe.
“Why are you here, exactly? Did I ever ask you to become some kind of devotee? Which God stands on top of the rests while being restricted and stopped from changing this unfair world?”
Was that Aizen just mourning about his current state?
He comes closer to you, so close that you can see the tip of his boots with clarity. They told you being even near him without at least one of the seals will make your soul body explode in a million pieces… but you aren’t exploding, much less can feel any reiatsu around.
Aizen’s gloved hand reaches for your chin, and with his index he delicately makes you look up at him. “Tell me, (Name)-san… are you that in love with the death?” he asks… Is he the Death?
Your pupils dilate, as big as the hollow that hold the hogyoku in the middle of his chest. “I adore you, Aizen-sama. I’d wait for you and even die for you” you tell him. You know, better than anyone that your life means nothing to him. He has never asked you to die for him.
Aizen caresses your cheek. His eyes look at you like an inferior creature, feeling pity for such an ignorant being driven by love… Oh, but how hypocritical he can be. Him, who had fused his existence with something that expresses the true desires of the heart. Didn’t he know that?
“Let me ask you again, why you waste your time in here? Waiting for me? I’m immortal, you aren’t. Are you that dumb?” Aizen inquires, helping you stand up.
You scoff. You have never laughed at him. You wouldn’t dare… but, this time… “Aizen-sama… you are still so naïve… you, a genius still can’t understand the most basic and yet beautiful feeling in this and all the worlds… Love”
It’s clear that you have offended him. How dare you call him naïve? How dare you doubt of his intelligence?
He pushes you back to the floor. His right eyebrow lifted; his chocolate brown eyes infused with desperation. He is not mad, he is just scared, like a little animal that’s been caged… you have exposed the only trait that still makes him human, the one he tries to reject, to deny from his own self… the one the who can’t recant of.
“Love? Do you think I am capable of loving? That’s the lowest form of humanity, and I’m not a human. Stop your daydream, (Name). You should get away, and never come back. Go live your live with someone. Experience what you call love with someone capable of” Aizen orders, but in reality cries.
You, who are now sitting on that cold floor, with your hands scrapped and your body like floating, smile kindly. “If you are incapable of love… why, then, are you asking me to leave? To live my life with someone else?”
He takes some time to think. Looking up and down at you, with his chin lifted and his head slightly tilted to the side. “Because you wanna be happy, there is no happiness in here…” he whispers.
This time your beam grows bigger. It’s all you needed to listen. He is, indeed, capable of loving you. “You want me to be happy, because you… care about me, Aizen-sama… and that’s called love”
How much he would have loved to contradict you. To go on a deepest raid of logical thinking, to debunk the basic thought that lead you to believe it’s that simple… but, indeed, even for him… it was so simple.
Aizen took the patch that covered up until now his right eye. The white cape over his shoulders ripped in a violent swing. The black, heavy coverings sealing him ended up in the floor and it seems to evaporate with the darkness around. There is nothing but pure infinite around a little spot of light that cover you two with its cold mantle.
His skin, oh… his skin pale and with the eternal marks of strong devices carved to stop his limitless power presented right before your eyes. Those same eyes that got flooded endless nights with tears, remembering the way it felt to watch him sleep right next to you...
His hair, dishevelled that has grown a little longer and now covers his nape. His lips, semi open, letting haste breathe come out of his mouth. His eyes, injected in fear and need, and pain and regret and pride, and every human passion…
“Come here, (Name)” he calls you, with his hand stretched to you. Those fingers that were once coated with your arousal are now calling you to touch them.
The god of death luring you to his grave. Oh, the deadly lust that could kill you. Oh, the deadly need that could destroy you.
Don’t touch Aizen. Don’t get any closer, they said. He could kill you if you dared to take a further step more than what it’s needed, they warned you.
But he needs me. Me. Only me. But he is so alone… he begs, he yearns, he cries for my touch. For mine, just mine.
“Come (Name)” “Yes, Aizen-sama…”
The grazing touch, the bare caress of your fingertips against his. Everything becoming dark again. A blink of an eye, and you are a few centimetres off the ground. Red seals have been carved on your chest and are holding you against a wall where he was. You can’t speak. There are black strands of heavy material covering your mouth, sealing your lips. A single tear runs through your cheek. Is this it? How is he even capable of doing this to you…
“Take my place and tell me… do you still think this is love?” he asks, knowing well that you can’t speak and barely emit any sound. But eyes speak louder than words.
You fix your orbs into his. This is love… Accepting my faith, for you. Taking your place, for you. Go walk free, go make them your devotees. Make them bow, crush their bones, their souls, pulverize them. You are free if I’m allowed to take your place. Yet, loneliness will ever, never go away.
Aizen swallows. His smirk has faded away. His eyes, that reminds you of a lamb walking into the slaughter, remain.
You close your eyes. You really don’t have the resources to comprehend this, but you understand him. After all, he has always ran away from the things he wanted the most… being alone pained him, and yet, he did everything to make his solitude even bigger.
A sudden touch that makes you jolt, or barely as you are immobilized, scares you. But there is no doubt, his scent and the delicate graze of his fingers cannot be mistaken for anyone else’s. Aizen hasn’t ran away this time, he has stayed for you.
You open your eyes, slowly, watching with blurriness the chocolate eyes you love the most. “You didn’t leave me here…” you think.
“Why would I?” he answers back, as if he could listen to your thoughts… of course he can.
He peels the coverings on your mouth, leaving just one over your lips. It’s the string that creates more pressure, separating your lips, carving marks on your cheeks. You let your hasty breath slip through it, caressing Sosuke’s lips that are so close, so near.
“You have come here. You wanted me so bad, and here I am” he murmurs, with that deep voice that’s both sexy and dominating and also intimidating and scary.
You nod, with whimpering noises that are ripped by Aizen’s hand crawling through your leg. You haven’t noticed up until now, the way your body was presented to him… you were completely naked, like a painting for him to enjoy like in a museum. You, his muse, and work of art, for him to appreciate while hanging on a wall.
“I missed your legs… I missed your smell. I missed your skin… have you missed me, (Name)?” he asks, with pleading tone that makes you shiver, that makes your skin turn bumpy and overly sensitive.
Tears run through the commissure of your eyes. It’s beautiful to hear him say that he missed your body, even if maybe it’s not true.
His lips reach for your collar bones, placing those sweet butterfly kisses that are probably as dangerous as a double-edged sword. It’s so tiring to submit to a man like him, who smiles and kills, who hugs you just to stab your heart… that is what it takes to love him… A big heart that you will need to lose a thousand times.
The tip of his tongue taste your nipples, getting hard, expectant for him to devour them. With a hand he squeezes one of your breasts; they are turgently presented to him as your arms are opened, stretched, and pinned to that wall.
You can barely focus your eye sight down to where he is. His caramel hair, absolutely dishevelled, the warmth of his mouth surrounding one of your nipples… He inhales your scent as he sucks, he nurtures from your moans and body spasms.
His free hand reaches for your core. Folds that drip, folds that can’t be ignored no more. You plead with your eyes for him to touch you, to at least graze you with his fingertips.
Aizen ignores your needs, or perhaps he plays with them, pushing you to the extreme where it’s even painful to your body. He enjoys the way your wetness create a tiny pool right under where you are. It is for him pure art, the way your arousal honeys submits to gravity, in litmus strings that reflect the poor lighting of Muken.
“You haven’t changed a bit, (Name)… which version of me do you prefer? The gentle one, the soft and loving captain, right?” he asks, so sure you have fallen for his lies.
You deny with your head. With the pressure of the seal on your mouth, you try to speak. “Thef realf you ~ ”
He smirks. He understands what you want. You want more of this torture, you want the real treacherous menace that both put the skies on their knees and then helped them stand back again.
A sexy scoff over your lips, a kiss that you cannot reciprocate. And a kiss that he places either way. The sudden intrusion of his fingers into you, hitting the deepest place where they can reach.
You moan, muffled by that tight seal. He inhales, he sucks the pleasure noises with his mouth open in an O shape. His chin against yours, the tip of your nose pressed against his fine one.
Beckoning motions, making you tremble, making you even wetter. His forearm also covers by a thin runny layer of your body’s orgasmic responses, pleasing the masculine side of his inner self.
“Come from me, come…” he commands, as if you were made to choose. You nod, desperately, panting. You plead, you wish you could say all the things you wish to say, but you can’t. Aizen, perhaps, also controls your ability to speak, to communicate. You have been turned to a simple being whose mind went blank and a body is a slave of his hands.
Hands, fingers, brutally burying in and out, back, and forth. It hurts how much you squirm, the ties around your body pull and carve deep into your skin. You can’t escape; you don’t want to either way.  
And without a single warning, without something that could let you know … or maybe yes, but you couldn’t hear, you couldn’t process- he impales you. The warm contact of his hardness with the velvet surface of your entrance, sliding inside of spasming walls. Lubricated by dripping honeys that pool in the base of his sex, he begins to pump in and out of you. It goes up and down, violently, brutally, pushing hard, making you jump.
“I’ve waited for this for so long… the tight embrace of your femineity. The way you mourn as I go so deep inside you. Are you mine, (Name)? Are you completely mine, (Name)?” he asks, in between the gasps and grunts coming from his throat.
“Mghhj… yes” you whine, feeling how your body gets freed from any seal, any material keeping you trapped. Your arms fall on top of his shoulders, like dead weight. You can touch him, every bump of his back, that soft manly muscular frame that you remember oh so very well.
Carved your nails into his flesh, your legs trap his waist as he holds you from yours. Aizen keeps fucking you until you feel like passing out, until you drool just a little from a brain killer pleasure on his neck.
His scent, the perfume of his skin. The warmth of his body against yours. The way his reiatsu is only perceived when his guard has been let down enough as his mind turns off and becomes a total slave of lust. The solitude of his eyes, that maybe there, in such short moments of connection, fades away…
“Don’t you ever go away, eternity won’t be ever enough” “I know, Aizen-sama… I’ll wait you forever…”
A sudden heavy touch on your shoulder wakes you up. “(Name)… were you able to speak to him? Are you ok?” Kyoraku Shunsui’s voice breaks the enchantment.
You open your eyes. The doors of Muken, right were you were the moment you step inside, appear open. The blinding lights from the outside hit your eyes.
“It’s only been a minute… but I was worried I couldn’t sense your spiritual pressure… Did he speak to you, after all?”
“He did, Kyoraku Taicho. Aizen Sosuke spoke to me”.
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and in part 2 of my delirium audio journey - i've finished my first song for her! being a singer/songwriter is a pretty big part of my offline life, and i've been wanting for a while to turn those skills in a more fandom direction, so here's the first of what might hopefully be a full sandman fan album! (at the very least i have too many ideas to fit into a single song, so others are in the works - this one is inspired by the first page of comic lore we get about her; that her real tragedy is being one of the oldest beings in the universe and yet never seen as more than the baby of the family)
lyrics under the cut:
A long long time ago, there was a girl, who was a child, who thought the world would keep on turning every day at the same time
She was joy and she was bright, she was a beacon in the night, and everywhere she went she left the people merry
But time is broken, don't you know? It broke that long long time ago, and so did she, that girl of cheer and youth and fancy
And so they built a shield
So she'd not see
The world she left in misery
And never asked what she was now
Or if she'd become new somehow
I am every thought in you that says to lose yourself or break instead, so why do you think I need protecting?
And from what, it’s all me, but when you look at me you see a helpless little girl
I'm not your little girl
And so that girl went on and on, her pieces came together wrong, she grew in spirals and the world began to fear her
A foolish child lost and alone with nothing there to guide her home, and all she touched, they said, turned broken with no purpose
But see I don't think that's true, ‘cause Brother, I know more than you
I've seen our truth, I've seen our pain, I've seen our future
And so what happens now
I've found the cracks
We’re all a slave to what we lack
Each choice you make, you come undone
And still you laugh as if you've won
I am every storm cloud in the sky, I’m every fish that’s floating by, older than stars, older than skies, a child of Night, a child of Time
But all I’ve learned’s never worth anything at all
They just see little girl
Their endless little girl
Brother think he's scared of me
Sister always busy
Brother talks and talks but rarely sees
Brother never coming back
Sibling thinks it's all an act
Sister sitting, feeling lonely, think she’s fine, no think she’s only waiting for the day it all caves in
And I don’t know where I fit in
And then I break
And then I fall
And I know nothing
Nothing at all
Scared and defenseless 
Maybe they’re right
I’m just a little girl
But I’m the one who put the pieces back
The one who sealed up all the cracks
I’m not as sane
I’m not the same
But then I never needed that
And though I’ve changed I’m all I’ve ever been and more
Come see your little girl
No longer brittle girl
Became a bigger girl
Endlessly
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kimbappykidding · 6 months
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Other Parts: Part One and Part Three
The next morning Soobin wasn't speaking to Yeonjun or any of the members really. He shut himself off from them entirely and was with Grace every second he could be. At lunch, he went to a separate room where he could call her. He stopped coming home after work and went to her place instead. He even stopped taking the same car as his members and drove himself everywhere. The management team were getting frustrated and nothing Yeonjun would say would get Soobin to change his behaviour. So Yeonjun came to you. When Yeonjun showed up at your work you knew it must be bad. So you went to the cafe together on your lunch break and he explained everything to you. "So what do you want me to do?" you asked and Yeonjun frowned "talk to him, I think you're the only one who he will listen to". "Are you kidding? I'm the last person he'd speak to". Yeonjun shook his head "y/n I think he pushed you away because you're the person most capable of getting him away from Grace and he's scared of that. Not to be dramatic but you're our last hope". You sighed but of course, agreed to help. You arrived at the company building and watched Soobin from a distance. You could instantly see the bags under his eyes and the weight he'd lost. He didn't look happy and it pained you to see him this way after everything. It took Soobin a few minutes to notice you and when he looked at you he did a double-take. You waved offering him a small smile, your heart hammering in your chest in case he walked away and rejected you...but he didn't. Soobin waved back and smiled. Your heart soared and you hated how happy such a small gesture made you feel.
"I heard you were recording here so thought I'd stop by...you know to wish you a happy birthday for next week". Soobin paused and then smiled "you remembered?". "Of course I did!" you replied "are you doing anything nice for it?". Soobin shrugged "I'm not sure yet but I bet Grace has something special planned". You nodded "yeah totally...how have you been anyway?". Soobin smiled but it didn't meet his eyes "I'm fine, just been super busy with work but things have been great. How are you?". You nodded "I've been okay". Soobin frowned "just okay?". You shrugged "yeah you know just with the season it can feel kind of lonely sometimes". You saw guilt pass over Soobin's face as he realised he was probably a big reason for you feeling lonely. "Y/n I...I want to thank you for being so respectful and listening to what I said". You nodded "of course, I listen to you Soobin and if you tell me you want something then I'm not going to ignore that even if I don't understand!". Soobin froze and you wondered if you'd said the wrong thing when he replied "would you like to grab a coffee with me?". You and Soobin ended up talking for nearly 3 hours in a cafe around the corner. You had so much to catch each other up on but it also felt like no time had passed at all. You'd missed him so much and the feeling was apparently mutual. "I missed this" Soobin said and you nodded looking down "me too". Soobin was quiet before he spoke "well I think you've proven you have no ill will towards me and Grace so I don't see a reason why we can't start hanging out again" Soobin said and your head snapped up "really?". Soobin nodded "yeah, maybe not every day like we used to but I don't see why we can't once a week or so". You smiled "that sounds great" and Soobin nodded "yeah it does". You worried when you told Yeonjun what had happened he'd be disappointed but he was thrilled. "Y/n this is brilliant!" he told you on the phone and you laughed "it is? I thought you'd want more". Yeonjun shook his head "Y/n I know Soobin is stuck pretty deep so things aren't going to be fixed overnight but him talking to you again is a major step in the right direction. You have way more influence over him than you realise". You didn't agree but thanked Yeonjun for contacting you and promised to keep him updated. You felt bad for not telling Soobin but agreed that this was for his own good. So you and Soobin started hanging out again and despite his once-a-week rule you meet up on his lunch breaks or after work often. You quickly realised he hadn't told Grace you were friends again. You knew you should've pushed him to tell her but honestly, you didn't want to lose him again so you stayed out of it. Soobin's birthday rolled around and the second he said Grace was pretending to forget to surprise him you got a bad feeling. Soobin was not the type to leave hints so it was very likely she had just forgotten and had nothing planned. Yeonjun thought the same thing as you and you were willing Grace to remember but she didn't. You texted Soobin on the morning of his birthday wishing him a happy birthday and he replied back thanking you. You left him alone during the day figuring he might have things planned and texted him again in the evening asking how he was. He didn't reply and Yeonjun said he was out of the dorm which made you wonder if Grace had come through. Then just as you were heading to bed there was a familiar knock at the door. You opened it to see Soobin standing there with red eyes "she forgot Y/n, she forgot my birthday" he said and you quickly pulled him inside. "She said she was going out with her friends which I figured was a front but then as she started getting ready I was less and less sure until she actually left. Then she called me asking me to bring her purse which she'd forgotten and I figured that was it! So I got dressed up and came to the place only for her to yell at me for taking so long and snatch the purse from me without saying goodbye. She forgot Y/n" and he began to cry again. You hugged him and patted his back while he cried it out. Once he'd stopped crying he went quiet and that worried you "Soobin, you doing okay?" you asked. He looked at you "is something wrong with me? Why doesn't she like me back?". You shook your head "nothing's wrong with you Soobin!". "So why isn't this working? I've put everything into this relationship but I just keep feeling her drifting further and further away from me". You frowned "sometimes things just don't work out no matter how much you try. You of course have to put effort into any relationship but it should feel natural and receptive too". Soobin sniffled "I just don't know if there's even any point in trying with Grace anymore". You had no idea what to say. You knew Yeonjun would want you to encourage this but you didn't want to hurt Soobin any more than he already was. "Y/n what do you think?" Soobin asked and you decided to be honest. "I think Grace doesn't deserve you. I don't think she treats you as nicely as you treat her and that's not right. You're one of the kindest most giving people I know and you deserve to be loved. Relationships should be equal and built on respect and trust, not power and hurt...but I know you care for her and I'd never want you to do something you didn't want to do. So that's my opinion as an outsider looking in but I'm here for you no matter what". Soobin was quiet for a while and you worried you'd offended him when he nodded "thanks y/n, I don't know what I'd do without you and no matter what I'm not avoiding you again". You smiled "that's such a relief to hear" and Soobin smiled at you. The two of you stayed up watching Soobin's favourite movie before going to bed. You called in sick the next day to spend more time with Soobin celebrating his belated birthday and parted in the afternoon when Soobin had work. "Thanks Y/n" he smiled "you really made this a good birthday". "What are best friends for?" you asked and Soobin nodded. You told Yeonjun what had happened and he was convinced Soobin was going to break up with Grace. He apparently showed up and greeted them all cheerfully and was back talking to them all again. At dinner, he ate with them and didn't look at his phone once. After work, he went home with them and seemed a lot more relaxed. You began to hope too that this was a good sign but the next week when you met Soobin at the cinema he was still with her. You couldn't help a little digging and asked how things were with Grace. "They're okay" Soobin admitted "I did what you said and I've stopped trying as hard. I'm letting things come to me instead of trying to force them". You smiled "I'm really pleased for you, that sounds so healthy". Soobin nodded but didn't say anything so you changed the subject. Things definitely felt different but you knew better than to hold out hope so you ignored Yeonjun when he said the breakup was imminent. Then out of all the things wrong with their relationship, you were the reason they did break up. You were at the guys' house for a movie night when Grace showed up. Soobin invited her (much to the members’ dismay) and she agreed. Then she walked in and saw you. She actually stopped in her tracks and stared. "Hi Grace" you said feeling awkward and she just smiled at you looking pained. You could tell she was pissed by how she wouldn't speak to Soobin the entire night. She was watching you constantly and wouldn't really reply to any question you or the guys asked her. After about half an hour, she asked Soobin if they could hang out in his room instead. When he said no she stormed away and after waiting a few seconds he went after her. You heard the argument that followed and your name came up quickly. "Yes I've been hanging out with Y/n but you know what I'm not going to apologise for that. She's my best friend and I will see her when I want to". The guys had to stop themselves from cheering when Soobin said that and you were so nervous to hear Grace's reply. Things went quiet and then you heard yelling. "You can't pick he'd over me I'm your girlfriend! You will never get anyone like me" followed by smashing. Yeonjun jumped up "Beomgyu get the front door" and swept into Soobin's room. "Grace I think you should leave" he said and she stopped mid-smashing Soobin's stuff. "You'll have to drag me out kicking and screaming!" she yelled and Beomgyu nodded "we can do that". They actually did have to carry her out and lay her gently down on the floor outside. She banged on the door for a while before leaving. Yeonjun told Soobin to turn his phone off and he did. Soobin was understandably out of it for the rest of the night but you all looked after him. The guys all assured him he'd done the perfect thing and you tried to make him feel better. "Y/n I think you should stay over" Yeonjun said "I just don't feel good about you walking to your car". You went to disagree when Soobin nodded "stay over". You relented and then argued with Yeonjun for 10 minutes about who should take the sofa. Again Soobin ended it by asking if you stay with him. "I just don't want to be left alone" he said and so of course, you agreed. When everyone decided it was time for bed you followed Soobin into his room. He let you use his bathroom first and there was an awkward air between you. Neither of you mentioned what had happened but you knew you'd have to eventually. When Soobin came back from the bathroom and sunk into the other side of the bed you looked at him. "I just wanted to say thank you...for standing up for me back there with Grace". Soobin looked down "you're welcome but you don't need to thank me. I never should've let her decide who I can be friends with anyway". You nodded "how are you feeling about the breakup? We don't have to talk about it if you don't want but we can if you want". Soobin sighed "I just feel embarrassed". "Embarrassed?" you asked and he nodded "yeah...that I couldn't make it work". You shook your head "that's nothing to be embarrassed about. You tried your best that's all that matters. It's better to try and fail than to not try at all". Soobin shrugged "it doesn't feel like it right now". You placed a hand on his arm "it will don't worry. You won't feel like this forever and things will get better". Soobin watched you for a few seconds before nodding "okay Y/n". You smiled "so do you want to watch something for a bit?". Soobin nodded and put on a tv show he knew you liked. You settled down together to watch it and Soobin kept glancing at you. Everything you had said and even what Grace had said was on his mind and he wondered if they'd all been right. Should he have been with you all along? "Y/n I was wondering..." he started when he realised you were asleep. You looked so cute asleep he smiled. He turned the tv off and made sure you were covered by the blanket. "Night Y/n" he whispered. He'd leave that discussion for another day...maybe.
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