#I cant wait to get a long break

[ybetzarts]

Ahh yes, these two <33....I had to at least, make a single decent fanart of the two of them for this month lol

#sonic the hedgehog #sonic fanart #knuckles the echidna #rouge the bat #knuxouge #ybetzarts #back to my usual schedule #hngg #I cant wait to get a long break

[introspectivememories]

god i know i said i was tired of making eveerything sad but just imagine timber those first few months of reconnecting and they're both drunk on tim's boat, laying on the deck staring up at the stars and bear turns over to look at tim, his eyes are sad and wet, and he reaches out to touch tim's face as if to make sure tim is really there and not an illusion and tim whispers, "bear?" and bernard smiles a little brokenly and goes, "so how long do i have you for this time?"

#tim fully sober now: what do you mean? i'm right here bear #bear still drunk: i got you for almost a whole year last time. how long before you leave this time? #bear: 2 years? 6 months? #tim sadly: you can have me forever bear #bear laughing: i don't even get you that long in my dreams #bear smiles reaching out to poke tim's face: don't worry tim! anytime you want to come back‚ i'll be right here. #god tim who's constantly leaving and bear who knows but cant help letting him comeback into his life again and again #you cannot tell me that bear went to that first date in urban legends expecting tim to stay #he went to that date expecting to get his heart broken again but he loves this boy so he goes anyway #tim who always leaves and bear who waits patiently everytime #sorry im like sobbing in the library #bear is so 'right where you left me' coded #bear who loves tim so much he'll let tim break his heart again and again #head in hands head in hands #dc #tim drake #bernard dowd #timbern #timber

[chaotic-toby]

I've thought about my whole "Asa having abandonment issues" post more and came up with something.

It's less Asa scared of Arkin leaving and more like he's waiting for it. I suppose? Like, Asa wouldn't blame Arkin for leaving him. Everyone around him tends to leave eventually, and the common denominator is Asa himself.

He has such an awful self image at times and doesn't think he deserves the love that Arkin shows him. Asa doesn't exactly push him away, but if he gets the feeling that Arkin is upset with him or is spending less time with him or is interested in someone else (platonically or romantically) he'll think, "Welp, it is what it is". Asa kinda distances himself from Arkin so he can give him some space, all while also trying to get closer? Idk it's confusing. At one moment, Asa refuses to leave Arkin's side, and then the next, he'll ignore Arkin and busy himself in his work.

Asa feels like he isn't a person that can be loved for a long time </3

#the last line I stole from another tumblr post #i related to it a lot #this is just hardcore projection #like cmon his family got killed and his father killed them #and personally i believe that any relationship-- platonic or romantic doesnt last long for him #either his friends will become closer to other people #making him the third wheel #or his romantic partners break it off for whatever reason #asa isnt sure why he cant maintain any sort of relationship but he does know that its bc of him #so when he gets into a relationship with arkin hes excited but also just waiting for the shoe to drop #“hmm arkin is sure nice to me... itll be a shame if i did something to sabotage this amazing relationship” #asa emory #arkin o'brien #collectkin #abandonment issues #projection #slashers #the collector (2009)

[codecicle]

Ash how is the fated watching going rn?? You’re braver than most

godd wampus im fucking THRIVING right now. this campaign sucks so bad it's genuinely unwatchable at times and I think that's the appeal to me <3 they spent like 10 minutes just describing and figuring out how the money system works and literally none of them sound like they've ever played dnd before and i don't think it will ever pass the bechdel test once the entire campaign even with velrissa trying her hardest but it goes crazy anyway

br'aad is my favorite character by a lot right now,, he's my FREAKK i love him and his idiot swagger so much. he's supposed to be charismatic but he sucks so bad at it everyone hates him but sticks around with him anyway. he's a warlock and his patron stops time and gives him insight on things/danger to come and kicked off the main plot in the sickest sequence I've ever seen. also his gayboy ass really did walk so every other gayboy slimecicle character could run !! they were so right !! and the party spent the first and second session hating everything he said and did . Took them sooooo long to be normal about him but they got it eventually when mountain (MY MAANNNNNN) defended him. Also he says everything with ^_^ . Just outloud you can hear it in his voice

for the rest I think the only other character that's talking enough to form an opinion on is taxi. and that opinion is STRONGLY a good one o(-( ! his banter with br'aad is so fun they're the only characters that feel Real and In The World so far and I love it so much. the names bit where br'aad kept getting his name wrong and calling him "saxi" and whenever he corrected him br'aad would just go "I know saxi. Nice to meet you im br'aad!" actually had me in tears at a certain point they're the only ones that have gotten me to laugh fr fr so far

sadly velrissa mountain and sylnan just Don't Fucking Talk so i don't have any real concrete opinions on them yet other than "hmm. Interesting ^_^" velrissa and her necromancy stuff is so neat so far I hope we get to see it in action soon instead of just small mentions here and there. same with the dynamic between sylnan and br'aad I NEEED to see more snockers scenes like their sibling scamming bullshit seems so cool I can't wait for them to emotionally rip my heart out through my throat. I can feel it coming

honestly the main appeal of it all is the characters and the characters alone. them slowly becoming friends and trusting each other will fuck with my brain permanently. I already cheered out loud when they so much as INSINUATED that they could stand br'aad and his charisma and they don't actually hate being around each other like that made me so happy. their meeting makes no sense but that's okay the Shenanigans with the solid snake box and br'aad trying and failing to stealth was so fun and "nice forearms, and a nicer staff!" and the little weirdo gremlin goblin following them around they're all very scared of and creeped out by (except for br'aad. he is strongly sexually attracted to goblins. this is canon and brought up over and over again) all make up for it. the story really doesn't matter to me here at all ^_^ all i care about are the characters being happy and traveling together and that's what makes the campaign enjoyable for me

#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍 #we have mail :] #if this makes no sense sorry its 2:30 am #cayden's dms are getting the brunt of my liveblogs otherwise inwould just be transcribing whole episodes on here #every time a character talks my ears perk up like a dog and i get excited. i feeeeeel the fixation forming #why cant i stay hyperfixated on good campaigns and media man why is it always shit that ended a long time ago #and sucks soooososo bad #as im writing this im finishing episode 2 so ill take a break for the night i think then start again tomorrow morning ^_^ #WHICH I AM SETTING AN ALARM FOR SO I WAKE UP AT A NORMAL HOUR. I FORGOT TO DO THAT THIS MORNING LMAO #anyway thank you for letting me just Talk because this fucking campaign has me FUCKEDDDD UP #i love them so much... i am deeply invested in br'aaxi and i Get It Now #currently taxi has a whole girlfriend but its okay shes said like 2 lines and thats it because again. Never passing the bechdel test #wait okay episode 3 started they are doing a real and proper intro where they explain what characters they play #for the First Time #this is so cool woag

[toaster-selfships]

Send me good wishes yall. I'm going to try and work on some late work when I get home but I'm chronically bad at doing that without an energy drink but I'm not ready for the impending doom of selling my soul to energy drinks so I can function

Uuhhhhhhhhh I accidentally went on a tangent and there's a whole vent in the tags oopsies

#i already get an energy drink every time on my lunch break at work. but thats partly cause im not too fond of my current job anyways #i dont need perfect grades just. as long as theyre passing i dont care #and are still passing grades after whatverr the finals do to it #im going to a trade school anyways gpa doesnt matter. ive just. QUITE LITERALLY. spent my whole life smacking my head into a desk- #-cause of school. and im so desperate to get my ass outta here. It'll be so much easier cause i will be free from family too #once i get my own place that is. I honest to God would rather sell my soul to two jobs and come home to peace and breathe #than this hell now. being at school is tourment and being at home is tourment. cant wait till im actually HOME. and not some. house. #home is where the dodge challenger that i will sleep in is. home is where the heart is. and my heart isnt anywhere here. #just. one more year. i can get my license at my brithday which is all the way in decemeber but. one more year from now #and I can scrape by and graduate and say adios. #i refuse to acknowledge the scenerio of not making it cause. fuck it we ball or something. am i using that saying right #i already did my time in prison(summer school) #i dont know about yall but summer school was honestly one of the WORST expereinces ive ever been in. horrible.

[toastsnaffler]

ALSOOO thinking abt this bit in ntn... the obvious revulsion ianthe has for the realisation that palamedes was right + she IS irreversibly part naberius + her immediate abandonment of naberius' body in response.... the whole thing reeks of denial like rest in peace to the sandy foundations she built her performative sense of self on but this wave is inevitable girl!! you can't uneat what you've already digested

#maybe the real unwanted guest was the cavalier we ate along the way #ianthe is soooo fascinating bc everything she says or does hinges on this persona shes cultivated to present to the world #like i dont think we've EVER seen her with her guard down or 'unscripted'. or had any real sense of whats going through her mind #shes never getting out of the labyrinth #but the way she reacts to palamedes' suggestion..... it feels VERY defensive. i bet something in there is shattering #very curious abt where her character will go in alecto.. i imagine she'll revert to propping herself on corona who she sees as perfectly- #predictable/controllable in order to reassert her crumbling identity. would LOVE if corona broke out of the mould ianthe forces her into #i think it would fully break ianthe to realise that not only does she not know herself but her perception of corona is an illusion too #like she does have her own ambitions and desires outside of ianthe!! theyve just never been separated long enough for her to realise them #god can u imagine if corona rejects whatever grand plan ianthe is piecing together for her. everything shes done for nothing #it smells lyctorish bc i cant imagine ianthe wanting to be a lyctor if corona wouldnt be forever at her side. but she wouldnt want- #corona's soul to be 'spoiled' by consuming anyone else and she also wouldnt want corona to become capable of necromancy #bc that would upset their power dynamic.. can u IMAGINE if corona convinced judith to eat her. itd be so over we're talking murder suicide #SOO MANY THOUGHTS i cant wait this long for alecto #.diaries #tlt #the unwanted guest spoilers

[strawbubbysugar]

Mega pain:

Read though some of the chapters of betrothed during the beginning, took a break from reading fics, came back with like- 53 fucking chapters.

Me: "WHAT THE F-"

Sugar if I dont write I die

#ask #bethroned #every time I try to take a break from writing I just get antsy #Im just waiting on the final edits for so(u)l and I can feel my interest waning with b(o)dy #since I cant keep on one subject for too long #so Im shelving body while I finish bethroned :) #then ill hop back on it

[weenhands]

just finished one of my take home exams a whole week early:) yayaya

#this is ehat i mesn when i say. im getting better Yes i am wait no im not i cant seem to wake up early anymore #i cant control whator how little i eat i dont think im real pr anyone else is real feelings are so humiliating i cant feel anything #And im also doing so goo d i think im breaking a three year long cycle ive been smiling more often ive been more inclined to write and do #some hobbies ive been more comfortable taking pictures of myslf

[transpat]

uh so jaewon's last therapy session his therapist told him to not act rashly w this new relationship and jaewon did just that he made a rash decision to go the beach w jihyun and stay there for the weekend and the rash written on their surfing suits along w the jihyun driving incident I think ik where this is going.

#the eighth sense #kdrama break up era #kdramas never let ur main couple stay together long enough after getting together thag #the same problem that causes them so much heartache and grief in the last arc would be a less significant thing if theyd been together #for just a few weeks longer even #anyway i think its obv where this is going #jaewon still blames himself for his brother’s death bc he was older he was responsible he should have been careful #and this situation w jihyun is literally the same but jihyun will be alright #jaewon wont #i wonder if hes really dreaming thou #a nightmare or jihyun playing a prank on him not realizing it would hurt him so much #which could explain the last shot where hes sitting alone #idk idk #anyway these eps made me like 90% sure we'll have a happy ending #i cant wait to see how the next eps play out #next week's eps might be rough #thoughts.txt

[steampunk-ghostxx]

I don't really want to be alive anymore, tbh

#all i want is a break #or for something good to work out #“things will get better” YEAH IK BUT FUCKING WHEN #been waiting for fucking years #2020 was hell bc my mom was killed and pandemic #and things just havent really got better since then #2023 was so fucking bad #and now that its trauma month (march) i cant even catch a breath here either #im tired of exisiting im tired of waiting for shit to get better #ive beeen fighting for so long when is it soft

[lightfulonion]

hii @pierogish-side!!! thank you for tagging me!! <3

Last song: This could be us by Rae Sremmurd

Favorite color: mmm really feeling brown rn

Currently watching: OUR FLAG MEANS DEATH WOOHOO!! its so fun (everyone is going through it)

Last movie: The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar dir. Wes Anderson

Currently reading: im currently studying for uni so im stuck at Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett and The Course of Love by Alain de Botton :(

Sweet/spicy/savory: sweet forever and always

Relationship status: uhhh im dying and rebirthing from my ashes 👍

Current obsession: .....kiribaku..... im back at it again OTZ

Last things I googled: wes anderson (so i could find out what the above movie was called lmao), werewolf (singular), boku no hero academia wiki episodes (this is a call for help)

Currently working on: im in my last year of uni (lmao pierogish... 😭) and i need to finish it so im studying really hard!!! (and trying to not give up) but itll probably be a while until i get my degree. also i bought an old polaroid from a thrift shop and im thinking of making it work

tagging: @skijjiki, @livingonyoghurtandspite,@peachybeesplease, @horson, @mars-matrix

#guys im gonna go back to my bnha era..... this was almost 5 or 6 (??) years ago and i was so happy but like......... #its been so long......... #i miss kiribaku so much and i hadnt had the mood for bnha since season 3 aired #i know whats going on in the manga (bc im noisy) and my interest is piqued and i probably will start reading the manga from the beginning #(im not kidding when i say this is a call for help) #if uni wasnt killing me softly (without a song or anything nice) and life was a little less uh 'much' i would have been reading so much #fanfic and (hopefully) drawing ;-; #i miss drawing #cant wait to reread chonideno's krbk fanfics!! they sure wont break my heart in tiny little pieces!! again!! (big faves please give them #a read if you want) #also i accidentaly (fate?) saw what 'mouthful' means in the 'you said a mouthful' sense and it has a positive meaning #specifically it means 'you are right' #'tasteful' has also positive meaning and 'touchful' doesnt exist (yet?) so thats how far ive come to my research #also completely irrelevant with anything ive said before but please if you can check out duolingo's insta profile and tell #me im not hallucinating #specifically the last and third to last posts. its one photo and one video #does it look like im stalling from my studies? (please say no) #get tagged #onion talks #i hope this whole thing didnt brought you a headache like it did to me...... theres a mismatch of so many different things......... #if you made it this far im gonna share with you one of my favorite songs im listening rn: brutus (Instrumental) by the buttress

[theoldaeroplane]

While certainly a portion of my exhaustion after work has to do with needing to build up the endurance to be on my feet all day, having to learn lots of new things, and not getting quite enough sleep, these things on their own don't fully explain the sheer distress I find myself in during the evening upon coming home.

That's rooted in a recognition of how there is just no part of me left over after making myself be out and around people and noise for the better part of my day. Not only do I not have the energy to tackle the myriad little chores one has to handle to simply keep up with life, there is just no fuel in me to draw or write or even hang out with friends, or do any of the things I consider crucial for making my life feel worth getting through. I recognize it because it's the same thing I went through at both my old jobs, which were less physically demanding. Here be dragons: the meltdown might be far off, but it is coming.

Knowing this about myself is hopeful, because it means I can try to head it off. Knowing I can't both work a "normal" job and be satisfied with my life in the long term is a really important discovery, even if it kind of sucks to learn. And I even know why it happens; my brain is simply not built to handle stimuli the same way most people's are. Autism, baybee!

The interviews I've managed to land for jobs that would not do this to me have gone very well and I'm hopeful I'll make it to the next phase for each. I'm a little worried if I don't get either simply because it's so hard to marshal myself to do anything after work, much less things I don't want to do, like send out job applications. Case in point: my taxes still aren't done and they are due tomorrow. Whoops!

In the meantime I guess I just have to strugglebus best I can. Once the paychecks start properly rolling in I'm sure that will help to some degree, as I can offload a few things more easily that would otherwise take a lot of spoons, like preparing food. And I'll eventually build up a physical endurance for the (pretty light) demands of this job. It's a pity I can't build up a similar mental endurance.

#mostly just barfing all these thoughts out to get them to stop circling in my head #i have to step by step myself through things like this or the demon that lives in my brain tries to kill me #im very tired and having to put a lot of effort into not letting myself get discouraged #it feels like im SO close to like. just. getting a fucking break already. but i have to wait on other people and decisions i cant control #if i can get a wfh job #if i can get a real full time job with good benefits and solid pay #like. i can actually start looking more than a month into the future #things have been hand to mouth both financially and mentally for so long #whoof #i need to put on sweatpants and see if the government owes me any money

[ozlices]

i’ve made like. attempts to explain this before, but it was prior to fully catching up with vnc, so i think i didn’t understand enough to really explain it.

but, i think my favorite part of the parallels between ozlice & vanoe is that they start on totally opposite ends of the romance spectrum.

ozlice falls under the romance trope of pretty much instantaneously getting attached to each other & acting upon it. of course, that’s mostly due to them being drawn to each other through their unremembered past together, but it still very cute, & especially soft, the way they just instantly set into openly having affection for each other.

vanoe is the exact opposite. but, with an interesting edge.

since vanitas is quite open about his affections for noe from the jump, but then he tones down his expression of it once noe interprets his own immediate interest/attachment towards vanitas as dislike.

so, then, that kinda leads to them having this dynamic of a hesitant partnership, but it’s clearly not entirely that. they clearly both got attached to each other from the jump, noe just didn’t know how to process that. but then, that leads to them having a dynamic where they’ve settled into that “disliking each other” reputation, & it becomes a way of expressing their affection.

(chapter 45)

and yet, in spite of that, both couples share having such an intricate understanding of each other. and, they both develop that understanding pretty much immediately.

multiple times throughout the first few arcs of pandora hearts, oz is scrutinized about why he’s bothering to stuck with alice, with the people scrutinizing him about it usually putting her down in some manner. he never tolerates it. even when he barely knows her, he defends the little he does know with such passionate conviction.

(chapter 4)

(chapter 5)

(chapter 8)

(chapter 18)

it builds up to his affirmation of her existence at the end of the cheshire arc in chapter 20.

and, from them on, that remains a moment alice constantly refers back to. bc it was so pivotal for her to hear the things oz said.

and then, with vanoe, you have again, some people trying to call noe & vanitas’ relationship into question. however, it’s done on both ends.

noe goes towards the oz route of kinda trying his best to defend the little he does know of vanitas. it’s not much, but it’s enough to know he’s more than people accuse him of being. (also the way his speech in ch 53 specifically parallels oz’s speech to alice in chapter 20 with near identical wording goodbye)

(chapter 19)

(chapter 53)

vanitas usually takes the just. total deflection route, but his passionate affection/attachment for noe is very apparent.

(chapter 24)

anyway point being,, god ozlice loves each other so much, vanoe loves each other so much. they invented love right in front of my eyes and i love them so much for it they’re so fucking good i love them so MUCH

#vnc #vanoe #pandora hearts #ozlice #mine #my meta #mochiverse #not a full meta rly at all just jumbled thoughts but the seeds of a meta being planted. but rly mostly just. #i am brainrotting abt them so strongly rn i love them sm i love watching mochijun invent love right before my eyes i love THEY #btw. btfw. btafw. when we get the inevitable parallel where vanitas compares noe to the sun. & noe probably compares vani to the moon #it will break me. i will be SO passionately unhinged on purpose i cannot wait for it. #that is one of my absolute FAVORITE ozlice moments it makes me so soft & vanoe literally already has the sun/moon symbolism #oh i cant wait until they say it out loud to hand me my own ass #long post

[dirt-str1der]

I dont care about majima x sagawa btw but i care a lot about their relationship regardless because i want them to have the most toxic dealings and skewed power dynamics with each other as possible and i them both to have increasingly warped perceptions of each other (worlds most incorrect uncle-nephew relationship)

#Listen to my problems #sagawas like majima chan i bought pudding for you since chewing is hard right now and majimas like (muffled) can you kill yourself . and #sagawa is like (laughs) keep up that tone and ill break your jaw again #like obviously sagawa isnt doing charity work putting majima back on his feet because majima has to pull his own weight too but over time #majima became less of an ‘investment’ and more like his hotheaded young apprentice / nephew who is really smart (sagawas very proud of him) #but also doesnt know anything good for himself because hes an idiot and sagawa needs to do everything for him sometimes or he’ll pull the #most ASININE stunts imaginable. like kid i do Good by you and you do the same for me as long as you keep your head down and run the grand. #he cannot fathom why majima wants to claw his way back into the tojo because sagawa Knows shimano and he Knows that shimano is bad news and #will definitely send majima into the jaws of death over and over and seriously what a WASTE of good talent !!! unfortunately majima is the #same type of stupid as his oath brother but it doesnt mean he wants to see the kid get himself killed (wise words from a man who got himself #killed) | and majima ... it was not difficult to start going crazy about sagawa at first sight because he just came out of a very violent #place where every touch meant more torture and pain then suddenly hes being put in the capable hands of a man whos like a fucking angel #sagawa feeds clothes and bathes him and majima cant help but act like being cared for is the worst thing thats ever happened to him theres #too much touching and hes completely dependent on sagawa who checks his weight daily and changes his bandages and cleans his leaky infected #eye and he wants nothing more than to be left alone but he cant do anything by himself and hes too devastated to be grateful. its gross !! #and whenever he inevitably breaks the hell down sagawa is always there to hold and comfort him and what the hell else can he do but seek #comfort in the only person that ‘cares’ about him when sagawa is so good at pretending ... is he pretending ? who gives a fuck anymore man #sagawas punishment and comfort all in one ... hes a means to an end .. hes majimas caretaker and his gaoler. the guy who knows everything #about him and the one who’ll use every last bit of it against him oh god wait #this is just isabelle and emma damnit damnit im gonna go read purromised neverland again

[skrunksthatwunk]

not rascal's deadbeat owner coming around when im not home and telling my roommate she's taking him for a week (our break is 4 weeks or so, implying he's gonna be back here even though That's Her Cat Not Ours) and then just picking up the new toys i bought for him and taking them with her without even asking. hey. hi. those are mine

#like yes i want rascal to use them so he can be happy and fulfilled but also i dont fucking trust you #she didnt even ask. i wasnt even AROUND and she just yoinked them #she also took the new litter box my roomie got for him bc the old one was so caked in shit that 20 mins in a powerful sink didnt even #change it. like bedrock-hard cat shit. who fucking knows how old that was bc they never clean or empty it. fucks sake #and obv he needs a litter box and my roomie threw the old one away bc again it was Unsalvageably And Hazardously Filthy #like we could get sick he could get sick. get a grip #but like i dont wanna be feeding her replacements for her stuff she doesn't take care of over and over #just burning money trying to make rascal's life a Little better bc again our control over his situation is limited bc hes literally her cat #it's so frustrating. like i waited a full month to get him new toys bc i didn't know how long this situation was gonna last and i dont have #cats and cant have them for a while (not that this is stopping me oops) so it's not like the toys'll be used w me #like if she decided to up and drop him at a shelter like she'd planned less than a couple months ago I'd be sittjng in a pile of cat stuff #but he needs more stuff yknow. theyre not providing for him and i have the means to atm. and just when i bite the bullet and surprise him #with a bunch of new things he was SO excited about she swoops in without warning and takes him #god. my roommate told me he just froze up when his owner came in..and he looked so pissed about it #having to go back and leave us and leave all his fun new stuff to go back to the room where they cant even bother to feed him regularly #much less play with him or take care of him #it's heartbreaking. it's such a delicate situation im trying to move carefully so we don't lose him completely but it's so frustrating going #slow. ughhghhgh AND THEYRE ALWAYS LIKE man he's so much nicer to y'all. MAYBE IT'S BC WE TREAT HIM WELL. CRAZY THOUGHT I KNOW #fucking. i love that little man this sucks for him so bad. trying to get him back for a couple days while im here but no response yet #and my roommate's staying on campus over break so she's gonna show up as soon as that week's over like I'm Here For Rascal. Your Time Is Up. #rauguhhhhh sorry if these rascal vent posts are a downer guys. it's just. god dude. fucking hell #i know this is a stupid situation i have gotten myself into i know it's stupid to try and finagle someone's pet from them BUT SHES ABUSIVE #AND SUPER LIKE. INDIFFERENT?? AND APATHETIC ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE PPL SHE DUMPS HIM ON CARE FOR HIM WELL OR NOT. AGH #sighhhh. whatever. gotta focus on tmr's exam and then i can complain about rascal some more. #i get she prolly thinks it's a team effort but the only reason we take her stuff is bc we didn't have a cat and werent planning on it #ggggghhzgzzjzjkkzkzkkzkk. grinding my teeth

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ya kno those days where its like. nothings wrong but if anything changes unexpectedly i will lose #my fucking mind. the threads holding me back from having a total freakout meltdown are old and frayed #my brain needs to shut thr fuck up is what im saying #ive got thr hysteria wah >:-[ #i swear to christ. if i have to fucking drive to the other uni tomorrow #me via emails should i pick things up tomorrow? should i dedicate my fucking weekend to making sure things work right and then roll that #straight into 2weeks of watering schedule hell? is that i thing i should do? #i mean at least there wouldnt b ppl there bc spring break but ay the bitterness. im full of black bile #i hate it here. and i cant stop #im being so dramatic. jesus christ. i fucked up my timesheet from like a month ago and have to fill out a sheet to fix it. it just makes #me want to lay on the floor and wail like a toddler. its fucking hard enough to get my brain to fill out my timesheets. and i just streight #up dont fill out reimbursement sheets bc idk money stuff is so upsetting for me to think abt i would rather just take the loss #just so i dont have to think abt it. how much money have i lost in that way? best not to think abt it #my fucking time sheets r a lie anyway. i used to do like 10hr days 6days a week while a part time employee after i got my masters #bc it took them like 6months to hire me and itd like wtf else am i gonna do with my time #and that is how u build resentment. no one makes me do these things. its just how it has to be according to the fucking annoying rules in #my brain. terrible and irrational and annoying. i just wanna leave #and i do have to fucking drive tomorrow. cool cool cool #and i have to wait for my boss to approve comments so i can submit this paper and idk how long yhstll take or when itll happen #bc she was doing field work until apparently 9pm yesterday idk whats happening but im supposed to meet with her tomorrow #but i dont wanna. like whats the point. i can find things to do and meeting just makes me feel bad bc im just tired and sick of this #and shes so nice and enthusiastic and i just cant match thst energy anymore. she texted me last week at like 8pm to ask how i was #and i was like ??? what do u want from me? what did i fuck up that made it obvious im not ok? #and she said she was just interested in how i was so i was like ok im fine. no elaborate bc like what do u want from me? i dont understand #but idk shes got a lot to deal with bc she moved schools this semester so her life is probably infinitly more stressful than mine rn #im just laying in a field of burnout and i wanna leave but i have to wait at least 4-5 months #whatever i need to get a bunch of materials together for an undergrad bc i said id give her advice abt reaching out for a masters #bleh im tired and sad. its probably in part hormones bc my body hates me rip #whatever. itll b fine. one more project to check off the list #unrelated