#I am weird in many ways. All related to traumas I had and I can't relate to most people

[morningmask27]

I do sometimes find it really annoying that most of the things I do right now are At Least tangentially related to a trauma I lived through.

I am living in a university dorm right now, it's a very typical thing to do, but most people return to their family home during the weekends and only really stay in the dorms because they have classes in the week and having to go from their home to the classes, especially the 9 am classes, can be heavy if they live somewhat further away. I stay in my dorm the entire week. For Reasons I don't want to go back to my old home for longer than half a day to drop my laundry and leave with clean clothes, some food and a chat with my mother. I wouldn't feel good doing so anymore, but mentioning that is weird because most people (except internationals because going to a full on other country just for the weekend, every weekend, would be a bit dumb) return to their home (My dorm feels more like home to me right now than my old house did btw).

When I say I stay in my dorm people are somewhat confused, as it on its own already implies that something must not be that good at the familial home for me to not go there for the weekends. By the simple fact I don't go back it's already implied there is something wrong, and it's true, there Is something wrong, but I can't just start explaining the whole thing, it's not really appropriate for most conversations, and I simply don't want to open up about this part of my traumas. So I just have to quickly and very blatantly brush off that fact and the unpleasant implications to continue the conversation without making it awkward and it's so annoying.

Most of my weird trauma responses at least have the added thing that if I don't verbalize them nobody will really notice. I am good at hiding them, I kinda had to, but this dorm situation is such a blatant sign of something Weird (and not the good kind) that I cannot hide since my actions on their own imply a situation already.

I am somewhat good at dealing with all of these issues, brushing off The Problems is a typical part of normal conversations, but it does get frustrating sometimes when I get severely affected by something traumatic, and it's The Only reason that my problem happened, but I cannot talk about it in casual conversations because of how heavy and intense it is. I have to vaguely mention The Horrors (They Are Complex) and move on before I make my conversation partner uncomfortable. It happened when I had to miss a class because of a severe relapse in my mental health, it happens every time I mention I stay in my dorm the weekends, it happens whenever I get too jittery and weird because of stress (I don't even always know Why I am stressed) and I just cannot explain anything about the cause because it's too heavy for most people to hear. (I do understand that fact, it makes sense you're not going to tell classmates casually about the horrific stuff you went through in your personal life, but it fucking gets annoying when it is fully related to a situation and I have to Shut The Fuck Up anyway.)

It's just frustrating to me that I have to deal with all these Weird Things because of trauma, and everyone sees them, but I cannot explain where they come from truthfully because of how much they are. It's in this weird middle state where people See I am weird hurt, but they don't Know why. I do things differently for reasons they can assume are unpleasant, but I cannot ever truly explain everything to them.

#morningcries #yeah late night frustrations as I just thing about all my friends and such going back to their homes and the occasional somewhat awkward #Lull in a conversation whenever I say I don't return to my kot (so Every time I say that) #Honestly having such a shit childhood really set me apart. But not in a good way #I am weird in many ways. All related to traumas I had and I can't relate to most people #I don't want to return to my home. I don't know what I feel about my sister but it sure as hell isn't a normal sibling relationship. #I have severe attachment issues and fucking cut myself when I was 14 #This mutilation fucked up my brain in the long term too as I now just crassly mention them Like That. They don't mean anything to me anymor #School left me a lonely hurt mess filled with anger and resentment. I had no friends left during my last year there. I had no friends when #I began university. My childhood was horrible and I now have to build something new from the shattered pieces I have left #Some people do help me but in a way my childhood is and always will be lost. I can't relate to what most people got to enjoy #Yes some small moments I do. I went on vacation and stuff and it was fun But somehow something always showed up to make the memory taste ba #When I talk about my past I always have to choose very specific small stories and shave off every negative detail and the grander (bad) #Context

[autistichalsin]

I have very complicated feelings about Halsin's Drow brothel dialogue that I want to share. I want to say, immediately, that I am not telling any other survivor how to feel about this, because we all have our own experiences that affect how we feel about this, and I will ask that you show me the same courtesy. I have had past posts of mine met with rudeness- from questioning whether I really had seen the scene in question to someone accusing me of having a "fetish" for rape recovery- telling me "go do Astarion's storyline instead"- to someone saying "the entire concept" (of trauma recovery, I guess?) is "western nonsense". Do not do that on this post.

The most common statements made as criticisms against Halsin's scene, post patch 5* are the following:

*Pre-patch 5, most of the criticism was about how out of left field it is and how there was no ability to follow up with Halsin about it/ask if he's okay.

It's OOC (or at least just nonsensical) for Halsin; he's a big, strong, wise Archdruid, so it makes no sense that he was raped.

Halsin obviously healed completely from his Drow-related trauma offscreen, and any statements from the player questioning this are condescension and/or infantilization and/or the same as demanding Halsin go through therapy onscreen- demanding all survivors have the exact same cookie-cutter reaction to be "valid".

The presence of the one rude "sounds traumatic, you may need to reflect on that" line means the entire scene is condescension as well.

Halsin's trauma isn't actually trauma/Halsin doesn't count as representation because it was not put in the story in good faith/was a joke, and it's insulting to change the scene to be more serious.

By changing these lines, the creators have prioritized one group of fans (those who wanted to see Halsin discuss what happened to him as an assault, not as a "fond memory") over another (those who felt this conversation was an indication Halsin had already had a complete recovery).

Gently and respectfully, I don't agree with any of these arguments. My feelings on these, point by point, are:

Rape can and does happen to anyone. Quite the opposite of being OOC for Halsin, it's important to have Halsin as representation alongside Astarion, to show that big, strong men can be victimized too, by any gender. Victimization can happen to a wide range of people, be committed by a wide range of people, and can have a wide range of effects on the survivor.

I love healed survivors, and I would love to see more in fiction. However, Halsin never once came across like a healed survivor to me, in this scene or otherwise. He came off like someone deep in denial (or perhaps just crisis mode) who was victim-blaming himself to downplay it. He called his rapists "hosts", himself a "guest, prisoner, and consort", himself a "foolhardy young Druid". Those are worrying ways to describe being made a sex slave for three years. I personally can't imagine how we were supposed to hear that repeated denial/downplaying/use of euphemism and infer healing from that. If that was truly what the writers intended, I think an exchange to the effect of "are you okay?" "Yes, it was a long time ago, and the wounds have healed" would have been acceptable- it's weird to think that wanting to be able to talk to Halsin after that and ask if he's okay is the same as "demanding he go through therapy for us" to some folks.

That one line isn't the best or most sensitively phrased, but it is HARDLY unique in that respect; there are many moments where your responses to delicate situations are awfully callous instead, even your "nice" ones. (See: immediately after Wyll gets his horns, where your nicest option is "The Blade of Frontiers has some explaining to do." No "oh my gods, are you okay? Are you in pain?") The lines following the nasty option include some wonderful choices (and a few callous ones, as per usual); "It's not for me to say- I wasn't there. But I'm here now, if you wish to talk," for example, which leads to Halsin thanking you and explaining that he hasn't had anyone to confide in for a very long time. Also, the offputting "you may need to reflect on that" option isn't the only way to get to the following lines; a Seldarine Drow, for example, can offer empathy by telling him he threaded the needle by surviving Lolth's pitiless followers at all. Sometimes, a writer's abstraction of situations like these can be really hard, and sometimes writers for dialogue trees fail to anticipate the responses players will want to give. (I.E. not foreseeing that players might want to sound less judgmental to Halsin's recovery, or that players' first concern will be with Wyll's wellbeing in the aftermath of him growing horns, not anger at his "dishonesty".) I would like alternatives to those callous responses, sure, but I don't think they imply bad intentions. Occam's razor and all that.

The truth is that we will never conclusively know what the intentions were behind the original version of that scene. However, in following with Occam's Razor, the simplest explanation is the best one, and it is almost always simpler to assume good intentions than to assume malice. With the care this game showed to rape, slavery, and other issues in the rest of the game, I find it much easier to believe that there was just bad conveyance of Halsin's past than I do that it was intended as a meanspirited joke against sexual assault survivors. Even if it was intended as a meanspirited joke, quite a lot of people had already found comfort in Halsin's character. There is no un-ringing the bell, so the best alternative was to improve the writing to address fan concerns.

Truthfully, any decision made could be argued to be prioritizing one group of fans over the other; if they had kept the status quo, they would have been prioritizing the group of fans who liked Halsin's downplaying of his trauma. Ultimately, Larian has shown that they enjoy making changes to the game over time (sometimes over the objections of fans, I.E. Gortash's letter); if they truly felt the true vision of their story was the original version and they felt it important to stick with it, they would have had no problem ignoring those fan complaints. Hell, one of THE most common complaints about Halsin is regarding his polyamory (especially from Early Access fans on the forums, who are quite vocal about feeling betrayed that Halsin isn't monogamous), and Larian has kept him poly because it is how they intended him to be. Larian didn't change Halsin's post-Drow scene solely because of fan outcry- they changed it because they wanted to. They have no problem keeping unpopular characterization beats and scenes in the game. If it were really a matter of "fan outcry = changed scenes" there would be an evil ending epilogue by now too.

Those are just my thoughts on the issue. I am leaving this untagged out of respect for other survivors who may not agree, but please feel free to reblog or comment- as long as discussion stays respectful.

[impunkster-syndrome]

I keep trying and failing to write about this over and over because I do have something to say about it but it is hard to put into words.

I'm pretty against "transRAMCOA" in use, as someone finding the evidence of RAMCOA in their system. But, it's more complex than that.

RAMCOA is notably very different than something like organic DID. There's even less information on it and more disinformation than reliable sources publicly available. It is genuinely very difficult to find sources on this. There have been decades-long and very effective disinformation campaigns to discredit RAMCOA victims since the 70s/80s. It's ableism that is so normalized that many people don't even know it is ableism.

When I was in tenth grade, I got a cult hyperfixation. I still check on that on and off for short periods, but has drifted to more deconverting from christianity, which takes years to unpack. It's not something you can just take off like a jacket- it infects you, especially with my upbringing being very abnormal compared to people who didn't experience this. Something felt like I had experienced that but I couldn't place why. At the time, I figured it was the school I was going to, which was a private school that had fundamentalist doctrine and abuse I experienced through the school year.

I believe that what you relate to can tell you about yourself in a deeper way than you yourself might to someone else. My identity as a Junko Enoshima was born from this. I related to the chronic feelings of emptiness and intense attachment to specific people. More, too, but it didn't just turn out to be "I feel this way because I am Junko" but something deeper like "Junko is a pretty good representation of how I feel most of the time and my symptoms of BPD in her make me feel seen."

A "good faith" identifying as transRAMCOA that I have seen talked about in non-tumblr radqueer spaces is when people are not sure of their RAMCOA history. For those people, I can understand the reasoning behind that but do not support the use of the term or framework of "transitioning," instead please talk to a cult or trauma specialist and other victims. People largely don't understand RAMCOA or cults as it is, from both misconceptions and disinformation, so this just adds to that. There's also the fact that denial programs are a thing and this may be the closest someone can get to acknowledging RAMCOA due to the effect of the program.

But, "bad faith" identities like seeing it as a kink, cults as fictional, just a wanting to have that trauma if you know for sure you did not experience it, etc, poison the above reasonings. You can have kink fantasies about cults that would be related to sadomasochism or control (You ever hear of master/slave dynamics? Not my kind of thing but if people are into it of legal age and have the ability to consent, set limits, and negotiate before play, go for it), but the principle of informed consent and safety measures like aftercare and safewords (Yes, even for nonsexual kink) set it apart from actual abuse like RAMCOA. It's very telling how you see RAMCOA and kink itself if you think these are the same thing or even can be.

RAMCOA has infected every part of my life. It's not something I can put away. It's likely what gave me paraphilias in the first place. I have gaps in my memory and I can't exactly recall what little I do have easily, but have to do so through triggers/questions. For years I have never gotten a complete night of sleep possibly because of it. There's people here who automatically tell me that my dreams mean nothing and my suspicions of RAMCOA are unfounded because they are programmed to. All the complex and "weird" things about my system are very indicative of RAMCOA to the point it would hinder more than help to deny it.

I guess having complex feelings on this sucks but you do not want this to happen to you as an experience. The number of times I have seen my own organs and those of others in headspace as well as one guy getting dismembered should be disturbing, but it does nothing to me now. I'm desensitized to most gore at this point. Someone always dies with headspace parties, usually with poison.

If you find yourself relating to RAMCOA survivors, do a deep dive as to why. It could be for a lot of reasons, or it might actually be because you are a RAMCOA survivor.

#ramcoa #anti radqueer

[chronicbeans]

Omg I really want to talk about something! (Especially because my blog is probably going to be flooded with odd content because of it)

So like... Childhood Memory Unlocked! Want to see if anybody else can relate!

TW: Unrestricted Internet Access as a Kid, Violent/NSFW Parodies of Children's Content

So, I feel like the people who grew up with the early days of the internet, specifically with like... unrestricted access all have some sort of weird childhood trauma because of it, right? I just had the most like... TRANSCENDENTAL experience reliving some of it.

So, don't judge me too hard... but I do listen to Friday Night Funkin' mod songs. It kinda helps me drown out irritating noise in a way that helps me focus. If I listen to songs that have lyrics, it will make me want to write something or whatever, because I focus on the lyrics. Anyway, that isn't the important part. I was listening to a random playlist of songs, when I came across a really good one called "Stomach Flu". If any of you know the mod that it is from you probably already know where this is going.

I decided to look up the specific song on YouTube and find out which mod it is from so I can see if it had any more good songs. Turns out it's from a SpongeBob Parody mod, and was for freaking SPONGEBOB SICKPANTS. I took one look at that little gremlin and was like "I KNOW you from somewhere, but where"? Then like... I found a reupload and was like "I saw you when I was a kid? Wtf?" I believe I found him from YouTube, but he was also on Newgrounds, I believe. I'm just going to put the Newgrounds tag on this in case any of the other parodies were on there.

Needless to say, it led me down the rabbit hole of remembering the oddest and most gruesome parodies from my childhood, like SpongeBob plays SAW and some other one where SpongeBob was like... A killer or something (I know, real descriptive. There were a million of those probably)? Then I started remembering my MLP phase with all that horror, and how I found YouTube through those Sonic Sprite Videos that were definitely NOT child friendly! Lol but right now I am mainly obsessed with trying to find all of those SpongeBob parodies, because of COURSE I can't be obsessed with a children's show without it specifically being the not child friendly parts of it. 😁

So like... Two main things:

If you see the most random, obscure, and unnerving things being posted on here about parodies from kids shows, don't worry, I will be putting them under read more's. Also, just know that you can blame Friday Night Funkin' music for reviving those memories, as well as unrestricted Internet Access. So like... Don't be concerned if you see me making some sort of SpongeBob Parody Multiverse on my account. That is a perfectly normal thing for a wild ChronicBeans to do! (Or do be, I am pretty sure it isn't considered normal behavior but I can't stop-)

Also, I am just kinda curious if anybody else has had the same experience. Like, seeing the most cursed things on the internet as a kid, then suddenly having those memories unlocked from a random piece of media later in life. Also, if you remember any of those weird SpongeBob parodies and know where to find them, I would be very thankful if you let me know! There are so many I can remember, but like, not remember the names. I really want to find them.

#Unrestricted Internet Access shenanigans #parodies #SpongeBob parodies #childhood memory unlocked #childhood memories #unsupervised internet access #newgrounds

[mommypieck]

Hello! I've been here for a while and seeing how much you've been through so far makes me sad that you've experienced so much sad shit. I recently came back to your blog since I wasn't on Tumblr for a while(I've been following you for sometime now) and decided to snoop around for a bit to see what I missed, congratulations on 10k followers btw🥺. Also I'm sorry in advance this will probably be long knowing how I can go on for a while.

Some things you've been through I can relate to, my family isn't a step family but it's definitely incredibly dysfunctional and can be shitty. It's almost 4am here so excuse any mistakes I make in writing this, I literally told myself if I didn't send this to you now I'm not gonna be able to later so I'm fighting sleep. Also your friendships I'm sorry you're stuck with people who don't deserve you in just about every aspect ☹️.

You seem like such a genuine sweetheart. I had an experience with a friendship I wanted to end before and I remember being the same as you were, wanting to stay in that friendship but couldn't leave because I was so attached to that person. I thought the end of the world was gonna happen when I left because I was so codependent on them. But I realized that the feelings I had when it came to them shouldn't be taken lightly, the bad feelings, every single one should never be taken lightly. I'm not gonna sit here and make any promises towards you that certain things are gonna be perfect but I can at least say that it's gonna be okay. Not just when but comes to friendships but living apart from your family. I know you've probably heard this shit a million times but you're not gonna be stuck in the same situation forever. If you have decided to leave that friendship I hope you felt the relief I did when I left mine, if you haven't decided to yet, you most likely will feel relieved even if there's always gonna be a longing for the good moments you might have had before, don't let the good distract you from all the bad.

When we all are teenagers or were teenagers, we are constantly told how grown up we have to act that we forget how young we really are. You are 19, you are so incredibly young and you have so much time to become whoever or whatever you want to become. I remember Jane Fonda saying that if you can't do something in your 20s,30s,40s or even 50s, you can still do it in your 60s. I DON'T mean that you won't accomplish all you desire now, because I'm sure you'll definitely get there, but you have a lot of time to get there, to think, to breathe, to exist, to have fun, to have new experiences.

Please remember that you haven't even met all the people who are gonna love you yet. You have so many people who will enter your life later on, as long as you allow them to enter and stay, that can and will love you so much.

If your family is shitty or weird, then you can have your own family, family is not defined to me by blood but by love. So I'm not telling you become pregnant or anything, but your friends can be your family, people you meet along the way can always become family, maybe even family members you'll eventually meet again will rekindle your family relationship.

I'm a bit forgetful (ADHD and trauma not a good combo)so I'm trying to remember what else I was gonna add omg.

You're a sweet girl, you're incredibly talented, if your desire is to become a writer then you're perfect for it already. Honestly I live by, "if Colleen Hoover and Anna Todd can write and publish those damn books, you damn well can too." And I know your books won't suck like theirs do. Full offense to Colleen Hoover fans btw🙃 I expect if you're reading stuff by mommypieck then your taste isn't bad.

Anyway this has been so long and I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll end it for now, stay safe, and I hope you have a beautiful forever because just wishing you one day isn't enough💖🥺💖.

i am at loss of words.i seriously don't know what to say. thanku so much for this message. it means a world to me really. i am so happy that i have people here who stick with me and actually care what i have to say.i kinda feel bad that you spend so much time, typing all of this. but you seriously gave me hope for better life. thanku so so so so so much. i love u and i appreciate you. thank you again.

[changbinslovelylegs]

It gets worse before it gets better - Wooyoung part 3

Pairing: no specific pairing right now

WC: will always be between 2k-4k words

Warnings: Language, talk of past trauma, mention of death and death related things, panic attack/ptsd episode

Preview, description, characters here

The incident is finally revealed...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 weeks prior

"There is no way I'm signing up for that!" Wooyoung gaged at the thought, actually putting a finger in his mouth.

"Why not? it won't kill you" Hyunjin exclaimed as if hadn't just asked Wooyoung to sign up for grindr.

GRINDR FOR FUCKS SAKE.

"I don't want my phone "dinging" me dick pics all day or weird Alphas messaging me because they have a thing for smaller Omegas" Wooyoung groaned and smashed his head into his pillow again. Wooyoung had always been on the smaller side, and it usually never bothered him, it only did when alphas made jokes about his size or they had a weird fetish for it and tried coming onto him.

It had been way too long since Wooyoung had been with someone, so he had asked Hyunjin and Yoongi over for some advice, Felix joined as well since he was his roommate but he was also trying to tidy the living room.

The last person Wooyoung was with, was before the incident and that was over 5 months ago. Yes it still plagued his mind and gave him nightmares and actually medically diagnosed ptsd, but he thought he was now ready to try to see other people.

"I don't get sent them all day..." Hyunjin tried to defend himself, but in the end he knew it was pointless. He was often sent dick pics by randos without permission. He was also sent weird messages from weird Alphas and Hyunjin wasn't even small!

"Jinnie don't force him" Felix butted in, while picking up empty coke cans from the coffee table.

"I am not forcing him!"

"Why does it have to be online?" Yoongi mused, and he smiled when Wooyoung perked his head up. "Let's go out this weekend and you can just try to meet someone there? Can't be that hard!"

"says the one with the most muscle" Hyunjin stated annoyingly. It was well known that Yoongi was a gym junkie, often finding himself there for releasing stress or his 4 times a week weekly workout.

"That's actually a good idea!" Felix agreed, pinching Hyunjin's arm and grinning when he whines.

"I'll message the group chat"

Beautiful sluts bunch

Hyunjin: Were going out this weekend and we have a mission: get Wooyoung laid!

Yoongi: Ok chill

Wooyoung: Maybe not laid, but I would like to meet someone

Seungmin: But if you got laid you wouldn't be complaining

Wooyoung: ...

Jimin: Aw yas go get that D

Hyunjin: Thats what I said earlier!

Jisung: You'll know I'll be there

Jimin: Ditto, been craving a night out all week

Seungmin: Fuck it, i'm in

Felix: Taehyung?

Taehyung: Sorry guys I started pre-heat today I think ima sit this one out. My insides feel like their at war!

Felix: Aw baby that sucks, do you have a partner for it?

Taehyung: HA I wish, it's just me and my many dildos

Wooyoung: Awwwww sad

Jimin: Honestly R.I.P for those dildos

Jisung: ahahah

Taehyung: Fuck you sung, u try being an omega for one day I promise you'll take that laugh back!

Hyunjin: Seonghwa?

Jimin: You better be coming bitch

Jisung: It won't be the same

Felix: It's going to be so fun

Wooyoung: Please Hyungie?

Seonghwa: Fuck me FINE, but only because Woo asked nicely

The weekend could not have come soon enough, everyone was stressed with their last week of finals that a night out was defiantly needed to celebrate.

No one even spoke in the group chat for a whole week because they were all too bust studying, which by the end of that week freaked everyone out.

By the time Saturday rolled around, the whole group just couldn't wait any longer, they needed this.

"I don't think I can do this" Wooyoung had somehow managed to work himself up, considering this wasn't going to be a regular night out.

"Hey it's going to be ok, you don't have to meet someone" Felix tried his best to console, while he was putting the finishing touches on his makeup.

"But what if they don't understand my ptsd and think I'm weird for being weak and-"

"Shhhhh" Felix put down his brush before walking over to Wooyoung and pressing a light yet lingering kiss on his lips. "Don't forget to breathe, and just have fun don't pressure yourself to meet someone. Like if you do that's great but if you don't then that's ok too yeah?"

"Yeah your right, I'm just a little anxious" Wooyoung admitted with a frown.

"It's ok to be anxious, and besides, if you don't wanna mention you have ptsd then you don't have to. I don't go around telling people about my omega business how I smell too much or I leak like a fucking faucet do I?"

"No you don't, but fuck you and your weird wisdom"

"YA! you brat!"

The club was banging right when they got inside, loud music filling the room. Most of the group headed straight for the bar to get drinks whereas Jisung and Seungmin were dying for a piss so they said they would meet everyone on the dance floor.

"Lets do shots!" Jimin tried his best to shout over the music.

"Not that wet pussy shit again" Yoongi whined, remembering how those shots didn't agree with him last time.

"Nah lets just get tequila ones, they get you drunk faster"

"You know I'm down to get drunk" Hyunjin chimed in, but then asked who's paying for them.

"I'll get this round, we can take turns" Jimin orders the shots while the others just wait.

Out of the corner of Wooyoung's eye, he spotted a man dancing with a few friends, a mixed drink in one hand. He was the most beautiful man that Wooyoung had ever seen.

It seemed as if the man noticed too because he was motioning for Woo to come over, he was too much in a trance until Felix nudged him and said "he's cute you should say hi" but not before he took that shot.

Wooyoung walked up to the man and was greeted with a smile. He happily returned one back as the man leaned in.

"Hi, I'm San, you're really cute" he yelled, considering the music was so loud.

"I'm Wooyoung, and thank you" he replied, a small blush appearing on his face.

"Do you come here often?" San started to dance again, Wooyoung joined him.

"Sometimes, depends on what happens in the group chat. What about you?"

"Yeah I come often, one of my friends brothers is the bouncer so we get in for free" San pointed out his friends, 4 of them dancing in a group.

"Thats Hongjoong with the red hair, his brother is the bouncer. That's Yeosang, Minho, Changbin, and HEY WHERES CHAN?"

"GETTING DRINKS, HE SAID HIS FRIEND JISUNG IS HERE AND WANTED TO SAY HI" Changbin yelled back. Just as the song ended and another one started, one of those ones that like to use gun shots as instruments, and his face drained of colour.

"Sungie? He's in my friend group, wait, you're from Jongsung aren't you?" Wooyoung suddenly felt scared, his bones going all cold. If he was from Jongsung then he may have been friends with them and known about the incident before it happened. People from Jongsung could not be trusted. Plus gun shots were another huge trigger for him and just Wooyoung's luck there playing a song with many of them!

"Yeah, does that matter?" San asked, all he wanted was to dance with a cute guy maybe get a blowie in the bathroom but he wasn't so sure anymore. "Hey are you ok?"

Wooyoung couldn't breathe, ever since the incident he and Felix made a pact to never interact with anyone from Jongsung again. He knew it was a little harsh, but he thought he was keeping himself safe. The gunshots just kept getting louder even though the song was over, he just wanted all the noise to stop, his put his hands over his ears.

There was a ringing in his ears, the music becoming too much. San kept asking if he was ok but Wooyoung couldn't hear him. Chan walked over and asked San what was wrong.

"You know Jisung, Wooyoung knows Jisung, do you possibly know who's the closest too Wooyoung?" San ranted, trying his best to help but also not really knowing how.

"Lemme ask Sungie" Chan ran away, and a few moments Later Felix came rushing over.

"YOUNGIE" Felix rushed Wooyoung to the bathroom not even caring to thank San as he was too concerned with his friend.

"Hey Youngie, hey..." Wooyoung didn't even notice he was crying until the ringing stopped and the music got quieter, Felix brought him into his arms making sure to place his ear over his heart.

"Can you hear my heartbeat baby?" Felix knew that his own heartbeat always calmed Wooyoung down, but he wasn't sure it could be heard over the music.

"Lixie" Woo managed to croak despite hie tears.

"Just listen to my heartbeat, I've got you baby"

"I'm so sorry, I was just so scared-"

"Shh, theres no need to apologise, Let's take some deep breaths together hmm?"

Felix slowly rocked them back and forth, taking over exaggerated breaths that he hoped Wooyoung would follow.

They stayed like that for a little while until Wooyoung detached himself and asked for a tissue.

"Will toilet paper suffice? I don't think they have tissues here" Which made Wooyoung laugh, because of course they don't have tissues here.

"I really want some ice-cream, can we go somewhere and get some ice-cream?" Wooyoung asked after he cleaned himself up, all he wanted to do was leave this club but he wasn't tired either.

They found the others who were all worried for their friend yet knew Felix had it under control, they asked him if he was ok to which he replied yes, he was feeling better now. Then Felix explained that he was going to take Wooyoung home because he no longer wanted to be in the place he last had an attack. Everyone else offered to leave as well but Wooyoung said it was fine he didn't want to ruin everyone's night.

Once they arrived at the ice-cream parlour (Wooyoung getting cookies and cream with smashed oreos on top and Felix getting double fudge brownie as they always did) Wooyoung sighed, slumping into their favourite corner booth.

"So what happened back at the club? I thought you and that guy were getting along?" Felix was concerned for his friend, as any friend would be after seeing a friend go through that.

"I don't even fully know! That guy- sorry San said he was from Jongsung and they had this song on with gunshots and I just got so scared I thought I was back on that field I just wanted all the noise to stop!" Wooyoung explained, trying to stay as calm as possible but his hands were shaking a little.

"You just gotta remember that San wasn't one of them so he can't be that bad, honestly it was Jisung who made me realise that" Felix explained, trying to shed a little light.

"How so?"

"When Chan and I met I was completely against it because he was from Jongsung. I liked him until I found out then I wanted nothing to do with him. I got annoyed at Sungie for letting him attend a Yeontan party but then he explained to me that the incident wasn't organised by the whole Jongsung student body, it was just unfortunate that the incident took place on school grounds. I do also think he was trying to defend his friend though cause I found out that he and Chan went to high school together."

"Oh..." Wooyoung had never thought of it that way before.

"I'm not trying to diminish your feelings or anything it just made me ask myself why was I mad at Chan? and now we're really close."

"Hmm, ok then, do you think I should give San another chance?"

"Only if you want to, but he didn't seem like a bad guy so I say go for it!"

Felix's phoned dinged, so he put down his ice-cream to check who it was from, relaxing when it was only Leedo confirming their appointment for tomorrow.

"All good?" Wooyoung asked mid chew.

"Ahaha yeah just Leedo confirming our appointment for tomorrow, my monthly visit n all" Felix went back to eating, because he didn't want it to melt.

"It sucks you have to go through that, I couldn't imagine what your always going through"

"Yeah it does suck sometimes cause I have to wear a pad everyday it's just one of my cons I guess"

"Yeah I feel you, like when I found out that my heats were more painful because I'm on the smaller side. Sucks to be an Omega am I right"

"Fucking oath, let's be real Beta's have it GOOD" which made the both of them burst out laughing.

When the next morning came Wooyoung awoke to 2 surprises.

Number one being because he left the club early and hardly had anything to drink for once in his life he actually woke up hangover free, and that made him so happy.

Number two being a message from the one and only San! Wooyoung had decided to give San another chance and was going to ask somewhere for his number but it seems that San had beat him to it.

Unknown: Hi, it's San, I got your number from Jisung I hope you don't mind. I just wanted to check in and see how your doing?"

Wooyoung saved his contact before replying.

Wooyoung: No it's fine, and I'm also fine thank you for asking though it was cute

San: are you sure? you seemed pretty out of it and afraid?

Wooyoung: I'm sure I'm ok, I actually suffer from PTSD and I had an episode, gunshots are a huge trigger for me

San: Oh I'm so sorry

Wooyoung: It's ok, you didn't know

San: May I ask how you got PTSD? only if your ok with it ofc

Wooyoung: You don't know? everybody knows!

San: But I didn't even know you had PTSD so how would I know what it's from?

Wooyoung: When I tell people I have it they instantly put 2 n 2 together, because of what happened last year.

San: What happened last year?

Wooyoung: Oh please tell me your joking, otherwise this is some sick joke and in that case you can just fuck off

San: I promise I'm not joking

Wooyoung: Whatever

San: No I'm serious! I'm a transfer all the way from Namhae I only started at Jongsung a month ago!

Wooyoung: Oh so you really don't know? fuck I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions-

San: It's fine baby just tell me so that I can know

Baby, Wooyoung most certainly blushed at that, and he even heart reacted.

Wooyoung: Ok, I don't usually like to re-live it so please bare with me

San: ofc Baby just take your time

Wooyoung: There was this guy named Jongho who last year was apart of my friend group and we all really thought he was a great guy, he was a great guy! he made youtube videos and really wanted to someday star in a k-drama. He was also openly gay which I'm fine with cause I'm also gay anyway he went on a date with this jongsung guy. He seemed nice in the beginning I'm guessing thats why Jongho said yes to the date, Jongho had apparently asked to go home but the guy refused to take him home and took him to the jongsung football field instead. I knew about this because Jongho asked me to follow him and come pick him up, because he felt scared. I was too late though because when I arrived I saw 2 men, one was restraining Jongho and the other shot him in the chest just because he was gay! I screamed and those men ran away, I held a bleeding Jongho in my arms crying and screaming until help came but they were also too late because he was already dead.

San: Oh no...

San: Shit, I'm so sorry. Jongho sounded like a really nice guy he didn't deserve that

Wooyoung: no one does! it just sucks Jongho was chosen because he was kinda known on youtube. and now I have PTSD because of it

San: I don't know what to say

Wooyoung: No please it's ok, I was actually planning on messaging you first because I wanted to know if your free for coffee sometime?

San: Oh thats sweet, I'm free today after 2 if you wanna meet?

The next 2 weeks were the loveliest weeks of Wooyoung's life, he and San grew a lot closer almost hanging out everyday or at least stealing a few moments to kiss. He was the perfect man in Wooyoung's eyes.

They never wanted to be apart, and lucky for them they never really had to except for when San started his rut and Wooyoung wasn't ready for sex yet.

"Wooyoung you ready? Felix yelled from down the hall, they had a lunch planned with both Seonghwa and Hyunjin.

"YA! calm your tits I'm coming, just grabbing a jacket cause it's cold!" Wooyoung walked back to the front door, grinning with his choice of jacket.

"Ooh is it Sannies?"

"Yeah, I just love smelling his scent on me"

"I bet you love smelling a whole lot more than just scent"

"YA! we haven't even slept together, he was in rut last week and I just wasn't ready for that yet" Felix just laughed and ruffled Wooyoung's hair, ushering him along.

Once they were seated, and after they had ordered what they wanted, they saw Seonghwa and Hyunjin walk inside.

"Hey! over here" Felix called them over, because the cafe was packed.

"Geez, how did you two find a park? We had to park across the road at the total tools!" Seonghwa sat down with a sigh, opening his menu and looking through it, "What did you guys get?" he added.

"I got a chai laté and an avocado smash with a hash brown, Felix got an americano and just the eggs on toast with bacon and roast tomatoes" Wooyoung explained, sipping on his chai laté fondly.

"Ohh the smashed avo does look good" Hyunjin exclaimed, calling a waiter over so they could order.

"So, how are things with San?" Seonghwa asked, just as his drink came.

"He is so lovely, and such a gentlemen, he just makes me so happy!" Wooyoung smiled.

"Well I guess that went well then" Hyunjin claimed, a grin plastered on his face.

"What went well?" Wooyoung asked, confused.

"Didn't Yoongi tell you?"

"No..."

"Oh fuck me, Yoongi said he was gonna tell you.. look don't get mad ok?" Hyunjin was slightly panicking, both Seonghwa and Felix were looking at him almost frightened.

"After you said you wanted to meet someone, Yoongi and I got lunch and then we started talking, he said his friend Yunho the one who sells weed also sells to this guy San and apparently San told him once that he felt lonely and he wanted to meet someone that's what Yunho told Yoongi and then Yoongi was talking to Jisung about it, not the whole thing Sungie doesn't know just like have you ever heard of a guy named San? and Sungie goes oh yeah he's friends with Chan and when Yoongi told me about it he asked Sungie for his number and kinda set you two up, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea but he said he would tell you about it, obviously he didn't judging by your face." Hyunjin hung his head low, too afraid to see Wooyoung's reactions.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Wooyoung spat, standing up.

"Babe sit down-" Felix tried to pull on his arm but Wooyoung pushed it away.

"WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!"

"Youngie, people are staring, just take a breath" Seonghwa tried to avoid being kicked out, it wouldn't look good for them.

"I know fuck I know, I told him not to" Hyunjin defended, but it was no use.

Wooyoung took a few breaths, because Seonghwa was right. Once he was calm he sat back down.

"I never wanted to be set up, this isn't what I wanted..." Wooyoung started to cry a little, feeling so betrayed. Felix cooed at him and brought him into his arms, shushing him gently.

[ffearlesscowardd]

Who am I ? (Indian, but North or South..??)

Well weird title huh....! I know and my apologies for that.

I am a mere introvert boy of 18 who is sitting right now in a bus stop and writing my first blog, I guess!.

Well I truly don't know how many audience I will grasp but right now from anywhere in the world's corner you are reading this I will like to say that this blog and the future blogs will be purely my life experiences and traumas which you might also relate in many ways. Well I was kind of frustrated so all of a sudden I got the idea to write my feelings and here I am.

Yeah!! Indian but north or south; many people (mostly readers from India) could have pieced the content of the blog from the title. I still can't digest the fact that why an Indian try to classify other Indian for where they are from, what race they are, what colour they are, what beliefs they have, what culture they have inherited, what type of linguistic features differentiate the other person from them, and mostly WHAT RELIGION THEY ARE.

I still remember an incident where one of my friend back in the days when I was around 15 called me "sala madrasi" (means a person from so called south India in not so friendly and polite way).

So yeah basically for the people who like to classify whether north or south. I am from South. But there ain't a big deal whether you classify or not but it does make a deal when you classify to shame or humiliate a person for how different they are from you.

From my kindergarten school days till my high school days there never went a single day when I was not bullied by classmates for how different I looked or how different I spoke, and that used to upset me a lot. Honestly speaking I used to hide my tears from my parents, and used to cry real hard during night and just asked to god that why you punished me and made me so different, mostly my colour. Honestly speaking I hardly used to have any friends and I hardly have any friends. Well now I am just grateful for what I am!, no complains to god at all.

Looks like my colour was not the only thing they had problem with. They also used to mock the way I used to speak. Well you develop your language skill from your mother, so how good she trains you the good you become. My mom used to teach me my mother tongue so that will not cut of from my own culture and my own people; so even before I spoke hindi i used to speak my own mother tongue, and because of that my tongue in the initial days was developed to speak my mother tongue which lead a really strong accent in my hindi. And also a child grasp how they are taught and my mom used to teach me hindi as well so i learend hindi accordingly. So from my kindergarten till my primary school I used to get bullied for my speaking also.

There were several more things i used to get bullied for and will write about it in the future blogs.

Believe it or not when I say this but 7-12 years are the time when you are so sensitive and get hurt really easily. Once in my primary school time I had a friend and for privacy let's call him wagonR. So wagonR and I were really good friends and have pretty good memories as well (the funniest one being we after dismissal checking the classrooms to find some good loots and while doing he searching a trash can and getting a branded watch.). We were really good of friends and had a lot of fun time together in school. But one day for my night mare wagonR comes to me and was like bro I will not talk to you anymore because my father told me that you should not go and make friends with the wrong sort. I was in standard 3 back then and just imagine how bad a 8 year old would have been hurt by those lines. Well afterwards we never spoke to each other much and I changed the school next year for xyz reasons.

The thing is, wagonR had no problems with me but his father had some problem after he heard that his son had friendship with a weirdo like me. Well I always thought that India is one country but nahhh somewhere or the other the people in India have problem with each other.

Well this all is lead by lack of knowledge and which in fact leads into prejudice. Well for me knowledge is good but half knowledge is dangerous.

But it doesn't mean that all my experiences was bad, and all the time people used to bully me. Their were a few friends who were always fascinated with me and always were eager to learn more about my place and teach me more about their tradition and beliefs. Also there is an incident when my parents needed money and were in crisis, the landlord (a kind and humble man) without even asking, helped financially not even without thinking a second thought. My mother also says that when I was young there used to be bachelor boy in our apartment then, who used to take care of me sometimes when my mother and father both were in work and there was no one to take care of me. She also says that once we had a land lady who treated our whole family has her own and I was like a grandson for her.

There are many cases vice versa where racism and discrimination happens to migrant workers and there family who come to south India also. Just to give you an example there are more than 5 lakh migrant workers in just Kerala from different parts of India like Bihar, Jharkhand, Bengal, UP etc; but all are referred as "Bengalis". Dosen't matter whether you are from Bhaktiyarpur or Assam or Kanpur or Bhubaneshwar. If you are a migrant you will be referred as "bengali".

You will be thinking what is so much in calling someone a Bengali. it might be because majority of migrants come from west Bengal so they might have started calling migrants as Bengali to ease the speaking. But trust me my fellow folk if you made it till here ; they aren't. For many Malayalis (not all) the term Bengali has become a term equivalent to "dome, chamar or musahar" . Well if you don't know what they are then they are the name of some socially backward classes. (Trust me fellow if you are loving this writing then my next writing will be in the topic of sc st's).

In Kerala a stereotypical mentality has struck in many peoples head that the migrant labourers coming to kerala come from very low profile houses or they in past might have committed crimes for which they flee and came as a labour. Some also suggest that their are many who have fleed from Bangladesh and work as an illegal migrant. and because of all these things many labourers are treated not so politely and also sometimes are offered less wages.

Well all the above things I have in past heard from many different people and it's not like every people treat them badly or believe in such things about them. I have mostly heard these from unemployed or local political leaders in different occasions, mostly in tea stalls early in the morning. I have never heard a well educated muttering these things, in fact most of the well educates try to ease their life by donating them and showing love and respect. Also once my heart melted when one of my friend's family was treating a migrant who in their house was working as servant as one of their own. He had a lot of freedom in their house. Similarly the Kerala government also helped lots of migrants during the tough times of covid by providing temporary shelters, food and other accommodations.

SO WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE????

Well its all just because wherever people go their will be people who will have some superiority complex and will try to bully people who are from different places. Their naive minds will always think that they are the king in their motherland, and a person from different place will never come equal to him. Again its just mostly because of lack of knowledge or half knowledge or half education.

And sadly in the recent times the judgmental nature of Indians are boosting daily and because of that, many dirty political leaders (I won't blame any party cause every party has good and bad leaders, and does good and terrible jobs) who take this in account and spread hatred openly amongst the poor and mostly illiterate people making their brain washed for just few votes. The political leaders are feeding on hatred and instead being wise and try to put stop which they should do are instead promoting these ideas.

I was bullied a lot because of race and colour in the past, but I should admit the fact that it was mostly children, we were kids at that time so that might not have been that intentional from their side. And even if adults have bullied me it were mostly the unemployed or the over judgmental so called superior people.

It always weakens my heart when I think that how over judgement of a person towards a race or a community can spread hate like forest fire. And believe it or not India is going through lot of hate because of RELIGION. Because people had started developing a frame of mind that

THEIR RELIGION IS SUPERIOR AND IT SHOULD BE "PROTECTED"

-----------------x---------x--------x----------------

Note: I am not targeting any particular community, religion, region, political party, leaders or agendas or belief, so please don't hate because of it. And please don't hurt your sentiments, if i did please email me.

And you can also suggest me or support me by simply mailing me. i will be relying to every single email possible.

Thank you for your valuable 5 mins.

Share if you like and relate to it.

Email: [email protected]

~~~Fearless Coward

#my writing

[yoyomamaboyo-blog]

I'm so goddamn tired of being under the ace umbrella

nobody talks about how fucking lonely it truly is

I just want to feel normal

I thought I could just ignore it for a long time

I thought just maybe I would grow out of it or grow into it

but that honestly made everything worse

trying to pretend it wasn't there and just not telling anyone how I felt cuz they never understood

they called me weird

and said there was something wrong with me

that I was lying

or worse some said they were jealous of me

or that I was too young

and "you just haven't found the right person"

deep down I wanted them to be right

I hoped I at some point I would just get over it

or get used to it

wishing that maybe I was just too young

but those excuses can only go on for so long

and I can't handle it

I can't stand feeling violated just by people being attracted to me

I just want to feel that feeling that everyone talks about

this "beautiful" experience that apparently makes life "worthwhile"

the one thing that connects people

the one thing they can all relate to but me

I thought i was asexual for the longest time but not even they understood me

I still crave that intimacy at the same time as not needing it or being okay with it

i just want to feel that kind of love without contingencies

I've had many opportunities but I was just too uncomfortable

I always felt like if I met the right person I wouldn't hate it

but recently I've realized that ive never been that attracted to someone much less comfortable with them

ive ruined so many things that could have been good for me

every time I've had the thing I thought i always wanted

it wasn't what I was told it would be

it wasn't how people described it

no matter how many times I do this to myself nothing ever changes

and maybe I could blame it on trauma

or my insecurities

and I wish I could just blame media

maybe then I wouldn't feel so different

but I just can't

because the longer it goes on the more clear it becomes

that I am different and don't want to be

I wish that wasn't a problem for me

but it just simply is

it is a problem

and nobody else wants me to be this way either

I thought it wasn't that big of a deal

but the older I get the more I realize it is

and even if this is trauma related it pisses me off that I can't even fucking remember where its coming from

of all the bullshit I wish could forget

this is the thing i cant remember

the one fucking thing that I can't dig into

the only thing I can't analyze because it's just not there

its just blank

I don't want to be this way

it fucking hurts

it sucks that i want to relate but probably never will

I'll put all of myself into a relationship until I reach the point I thought I wanted

but I always just end up feeling disconnected and scared

terrified of something I can't even understand.

#cupiosexual

[stormingthebeach]

GOTG 3 made me cry

I just watched Guardians of the Galaxy three, cried my eyes out, smoked a bowl, and now I'm feeling naaaaaustalgiiiicccccc. 

The lockdown allowed me to improve my writing a ton. The better I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized just how bad I was when I first moved to LA. I came here thinking “I know I’m a good writer, I just have no idea how to get my stuff read.” And I solved that issue in four months when I landed a job at a fucking a-list development company. Those were the days.....

Just a little over a year in LA and I had an executive producer -on TV shows like The Rookie, Designated Survivor, Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders, and a handful more- read one of my first ever pilots. It's crazy that I had access to him so quickly. Ah yes, more of the good ol' days... 

The first guardians of the galaxy movie came out in 2014. I started working at that a-list company in November of 2013. Maybe that’s part of the reason this movie hit me so hard. But also, Rocket’s emotional trauma is way too relatable. The most good of the good ol' days... Anywho!

Here I am, nine years later, and some of my absolute best friends are legit-ass executives and writers. My network is insane. And it’s filled with people I love. Although it took this many years to finally just win a screenwriting contest, I have zero regrets. I’ve been fucking grinding. This pursuit gives me life.

I thrive off of feedback. I honestly enjoy getting notes. I often can't see the forest through the trees. So, a new perspective, even if I disagree with it, always gets me thinking about my stories differently. But I’d be lying if I didn’t secretly hope that every time I sent off a script, the feedback would be “Oh my god, stop everything! Here’s a billion dollars this needs to be made now!” 

Although I haven’t received any praise that high (yet), I did receive this--  

“VESSEL has all the essential elements found in a successful supernatural thriller! It is a smart, fresh approach to demons, possessions and exorcisms, as well as priests and heavenly angels.”

“This high concept idea has many solid story elements to recommend it to studios and production companies.”

“Overall, the story is well-conceived, expertly written and the characters are layered and engaging; while you can’t second guess Hollywood, this script may well secure the interest of multiple venues.” 

“NOTE: I very much enjoyed reading your script and will watch impatiently for its premier in whatever venue it appears! Well done!”

Not too shabby :)

But listen, I’m not out shopping for a Bentley because some random reader (who's bio says has been a reader for 15 + years, reading thousands of scripts of all genres and budgets from shorts to full-length features and novels. Past clients include the major studios, production companies of every size, and European sales agents. No big deal). Besides, compliments feel good. Clapping and cheering, as I run this marathon, is very much appreciated. 

Even though I'm not making room in my garage for that Bentley just yet. ( I don't even own a parking spot) What I am doing is getting the confidence to finally show a script to my friends who could actually do something with it. 

There was a post years ago where I referred to this one guy as Scoobie. I still don’t know why I did that, but Scoobie is my dear friend Eric. Eric was the weird assistant who sat behind me at the A-List company I first worked at. Nine years later, Eric is a VP at a major studio. And we sit around and make boner jokes. I love him with my whole heart. 

Just yesterday, we were on his balcony, and I asked him what kinds of movies he wants to make. And this man looked me in the eye and unknowingly described Vessel. Am I over exaggerating? Of course. But his description did fit my genre. It got me excited about the possibilities of my little story. 

I officially asked him to read my script. But he’s one of my best friends, so I already knew the answer. 

Wait, weren’t we talking about Guardians? Ugh, I loved it so much. The ending hit me square in the chest. Seeing the characters going their separate ways and starting new chapters. Tears.

It’s always sad when chapters end, but what really made me emotional was thinking about how badly I want my next chapter to finally begin. 

And then “Dog Days Are Over” started playing. I balled. That song has been one of my anthems. Ten years in this city and I’m still trying to break in. It sounds insane. And although this pursuit does give me life, I’m so fucking ready for these dog days to be over.  Sing it Florence!

As Eric and I were sitting on his balcony, talking about Vessel, he asked me “You want this script to get you repped, right?” 

Do I want to get repped...? Here I am, sitting in front of a studio executive who happens to be one of my best friends, and all I dream about is selling scripts for seven-fucking-figures. I want to be in rooms with other creatives. I want to collaborate. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to entertain. I want to put butts in seats. I want to make them all laugh and cry. I want to make them all think and feel. All of them. Even you! I want you to laugh and cry! Do it now! lol

My current chapter is begging to be finished. I want it all. And I want it now. But of course I responded with, “Yeah, I want get repped.” 

[jamzandbamz]

Part 2/2

I wonder if Jeff's previous youtube title choice meant anything in any significant way lol. Just a personal thought but as soon as I saw it I was like, "wait you have to be comfortable with that sentiment to claim it, right?" I know the algorithm is king lmao but would he have done that while pursuing the other G? It's not something to read into that much but it feels like something a more unattached Jeff would say. 🤔

If he's not unattached and he's still interested, maybe there have been some unavoidable barriers between them. It's interesting how G was traveling first, then he was, then he got sick... 😮 if anything else happens between them it would have to happen right around now, I guess, once he's caught up on work.

I can't remember when G deleted her tweet, but my guess is that she either wanted some privacy or is feeling some mortification after saying too much on their dates, especially since things may have gone silent on his end.

It's worth mentioning that she's very candid. This week she said she overshared on the V-day date, last week she said something vague about saying or doing too much and wanting to run away from LA and hide, so I'm assuming it's mostly related to the date. Idk if it's trauma dumping or maybe anxiety or if she's been through it recently, but it's interesting that she regrets it bc it means she's aware of it.

In one of the first vids of hers I clicked on, she opened up a lot about her family situation. It was interesting. She said that her mom has been an addict (alcohol +) for many years, since her childhood. She implied that they are on bad terms and said that she doesn't even speak to her anymore. She also opened up about historically having many friendship problems that repeat in various ways. She also said that her number one problem with herself is that she "hates herself." That's so tough, I feel for her but I also am curious about how she's approaching things now. I feel hopeful for her bc in her recent vids it sounds like she is all about making an effort to transcend her limitations rather than live out her programming, so I hope it all comes through for her 💗

But again, and this is just my opinion, Jeff, in contrast, who has rebelled, gone to jail, etc., still seems to have had a stable, well-meaning set of parents, a seemingly normal dynamic with them, and overall a relatively good upbringing with healthy bonding. I think he is able to form healthy romantic relationships and maintain them for a long time. This is the main reason why I can't realistically see Jeff going all in permanently unless she has experienced healing. I'm not here to judge and she seems very self aware and conscious of her patterns, so I think she'll find her way, but what she said did draw my attention.

Jeff has such a compassionate side, and I think he is calming and wanted to listen to her on the date when she opened up, and does like her, but I think he can sense if a new person can bond similarly in whatever budding dynamic he has with someone. Again, just my two cents.

I'll share this quickly, but I met with an amazing therapist and author a few years ago who shared that we form our subconscious concept of companionship through our relationships with our same gender parent (weird but interesting, there is more of a sibling vibe), and that we replicate it in our partnerships because companionship is at the foundation of romantic love. It's a major predictor of marital difficulty/success.

As far as personality/chemistry....I do think there is a lot of chemistry between them. She's a more confident version of Cierra to me. But I kinda do also feel a power clash. Do you feel that? Remember that psychic friend of his who said "don't marry your mother" LOL. It's just coming to mind.

This is kinda old news now BUT I'm happy to hear that the date went well and that Jeff makes her feel comfortable. My consistent impression is that he is not weird and doesn't make things unpleasant one-on-one, I remember the Godfather members saying he was always so friendly and easy to talk to. Still, it's sort of bizarre and ironic that SHE may have been the one to risk things and scare him off by being so candid, but I hope she feels better about it. I wonder what Jeff was really thinking.

So bottom line I think she likes him but is worrying about having fumbled things. And I think Jeff will decide eventually that she is not for him, unless she changes her mind first. She *has* followed him for a while, met three times, said she gets attached quickly...and doesn't seem to be deterred so far, so if they did start dating it wouldn't be surprising. She wants Jeff (unlike the prior sitch). But realistically, while I could see them possibly dating for a little bit... I can practically hear Jeff saying "it just didn't work out." I do kinda want to see him in a relationship tho. But I might take that back. 🤣🤣

I wrote a lot more than I expected!! I do think she's sweet and seems kindhearted so I hope she's doing well and the everything winds up working out for the best Xx

[zephyr-mew]

📱💕👻🐷

- @nsfwitchy

📱 Show your phone lock screen and/or home screen

The thing with this is that I have a wallpaper changer that pulls from a few image folders - mainly fandom, animals, and aesthetic photos.

Here's the current one. I have an absurd amount of Arcana screenshots in rotation, to no one's surprise.

My lockscreen's just an ad app thing to get $, so not much point in showing that, lol.

💕 Your two top fave fictional characters

Oh my god you can't do this to me. There's so many amazing boys, how am I supposed to choose

I'm trying to think of ones I've been most attached to in a variety of ways, and also ones that I don't have some level of vague uncomfortable feelings with - but I'm realizing that I'm always a bit uncomfortable with my attachments, lol. So that doesn't narrow things down.

Ah, I'm overthinking things. Honestly, it's Muriel and Julian from Arcana. These two are the first ones that've inspired me to write actual fic in... god, over 10 years? (Literally the last time I remember writing fic was in 2010 after playing Hotel Dusk and Last Window and getting a weird burst of inspiration for a few stories.) It's kind of embarrassing to admit how much of an effect they've had on my life.

I know this might sound weird, but... I've never really personally related to characters in more than one or two small ways before. I love the hell out of so many characters, but I've never really seen myself in them. And playing Muriel's route... well, I saw myself in him. His quirks and interests, the way he moves through life, how trauma has affected him (though it feels kind of weird saying that when my trauma's not nearly as bad as anything he went through).

But hey, we're both anxious, depressed, traumatized softies. And seeing him grow and heal bit by bit, step by step - it gave me hope that maybe... maybe I could heal. That I wasn't trapped in my trauma responses permanently. That things could get easier. Maybe even - better?

That I could learn to be more comfortable with opening up, I could get more comfortable with someone and build something good with them, that there could be depth and lightness and joy and understanding. That I didn't need to be perfect to be loved - that I could be loved just how I am, mental scars and all.

And Julian, ahh. How he was so loving and affectionate, so clearly, genuinely interested in me - it's something I would hardly even let myself imagine before with anyone (yes, even fictional characters). Having self hatred run so deep that I just couldn't imagine anyone feeling anything even remotely that positive towards me. But something about his scenes clicked something in my head, something finally got through to me - maybe, just maybe, it is possible for someone to be interested in me.

He's helped me get more comfortable with a lot of aspects of myself, of interests and desires and just being imperfect and enjoying life anyways. Taking chances and trying new things and learning that I can be comfortable around people, that I can find joy in being open and letting go. That I can find freedom in another person.

It's a small thing, but - I've always wanted to sing, but I'm scared as fuck to for so many reasons, and the thought of him singing along with me helps (especially because he can't sing well - doing things badly in front of other people is one of my biggest fears).

Also he's helped me feel more comfortable with a lot of aspects of my sexuality so that's cool ✌️

Looking through this, it seems like they've brought a lot of the same lessons in different ways. Showing that being imperfect and utterly human isn't a death sentence. That there's joy to be found in connection and vulnerability and not just pain. That I can heal and grow. That there are people who can love me as I am and meet me where I'm at, and I don't have to shove parts of myself away to be worthwhile.

Honestly, thank you for asking this one. It's nice to have the opportunity to reflect like this.

👻 Do you believe in ghosts

Vaguely, but also not really? Like, I'm open to the possibility bc who knows, but they've never really felt like an actual real thing. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ tbh I hope not bc I'm enough of a scaredy cat as it is, I freak out over horror games knowing full well it's not real, I don't need more actual scary shit to worry about lol

>is guro fucker >can't handle horror

🐷 Junk food you can never get enough of

Probably sour cream and onion chips ✌️

Tysm for the ask~! @nsfwitchy

#ask #long post #mew speaks #yes it's like 4 am here #ask game #nsfwitchy

[jettman1970]

I want to clarify some things. This blog is going to be used primarily for my healing journey. The ultimate goal is to eventually stop posting here. I feel better when I write. It eases the ruminating thoughts in my head. The pain I feel. That's why I seem so long winded and just drone on. It's not really intended for anyone else but me. On that note, I am making it public in the off chance someone else in a similar situation might be helped.

Having said all that I want to talk about her for a minute and clear any possible misconceptions. Some of my writing may come across as hating her. Quite the contrary. I still love her deeply. I still care about her and worry about her. I suppose I always will. I'm not doing this to smear her or make her look bad. I recognize it for what it is and nothing more. I do believe that she loves me. At least in the sense that narcs can feel love. I don't believe she intentionally meant to abuse me the way she did. As I understand, coverts for the most part do this subconsciously. They are not aware of what they do. I don't hold any bad feelings for her or grudges. When I look back and think about some things I do get angry sometimes. It's only natural.

But even knowing all that, my heart still hurts and longs to be with her. It tells me to just go to her and grab her and wrap her up in my arms and kiss her to the moon and back. You'll figure it out when you get there.

I used to do that. But now I am aware of what is truly going on. My mind is able to win that battle now. I realize just how toxic we were. And I emphasize "we". I'm no angel here, but most of our issues stemmed from her narcissist behavior. And unless we both get therapy for our separate issues and she would also need to become self aware of her narcissism, we won't be able to have a normal relationship. But I'm afraid that at this point, it's far too late even with therapy. There's just too much damage. Too many questions. Too many doubts.

There's a thing called a trauma bond that the narc sets up. It's one of the most powerful mind traps. I had never heard of it before.

It caused me to become addicted to her. When we would break up, I would be okay. It's over. Good. Move on. Then some time passes and she's all I can think of. I'm literally jonesing for her. It's an intense feeling and unless you experience you can't relate.

To literally be addicted to a person. It sounds weird. At least to me. But that's exactly what happened to me.

[plan-d-to-i]

Hi Plan,

Probably You might've answered this already. Is so, Please Link it.

I would like to know, Where did this "WWX, LWJ was suffering from PTSD or any other mental illness" take comes from???

I admit I started out with CQL and then I read the novel but I've never found at any page where the Author mentioned anything about Trauma or mental illness. I always see ppl portraying them as victims... Whereas I see them as two Heroic Figures with strong moral conviction....

Is this something common in this fandom??? Because I am fairly new and it's just annoying to see these amazing characters getting reduced into some Drama Queens🙄🙄🙄

I think that's just fandom in general. People are always trying to make characters more relatable for themselves. These days that means frequently giving them x identity. In terms of characterization it's probably some cql leaching into things as well. And ofc "trauma" is always thrown around a lot. If the character doesn't show any symptoms of it, it must be just because they don't know it yet! Or ~no symptoms must be a symptom >:0~! WWX in particular seems to suffer a lot from this treatment in fandom. Which is odd because he only really has one thing he can't get over, that fandom is far less understanding of, and that's dogs! (Both in the case of jc stans who use it to try to make their fav into a victim, or bc many ppl like dogs and want their fav to like them too.) As for everything else, WWX has a pretty healthy way of processing things for himself in the end.

After staring at this face for a long while, Wei Wuxian rubbed it again a few more times, massaged his eyes, and thudded back onto the shore. 

It wasn’t that he couldn’t endure others’ harsh tongues and nasty words. After all, when he had first made his decision, he had understood perfectly clearly the kind of road that lay ahead. His mind had long reminded him: remember the motto of the Yunmeng Jiang Clan—“attempt the impossible.”

Only, he had believed his heart to be an unmovable stone. Yet, in the end, humans were not rocks or vegetation.

The little donkey seemed to recognise his low mood and, for once, didn’t impatiently moan and bray."

This only comes right after he overhears the cultivators discussing Jin Ling and YanLi (and his own encounter with Jin Ling). And again about his core in a very similar vein:

"It wasn’t something he liked to reminisce about. He didn’t want to be reminded again and again of what it felt like when his core was cut out or what price he had to pay. If this were exposed in the past, he’d most likely laugh and comfort Jiang Cheng, ‘It’s not that big of a deal anyways. Look at me all these years. Without the core, I still managed to come through, didn’t I? Beating everyone I wanted to beat, killing everyone I wanted to kill.’ But now, he indeed didn’t have the strength left to put up such a confident, nonchalant pretense.

From the bottom of his heart, he knew he wasn’t so indifferent about it after all.

Was it really that easy to move on from such a thing?

Of course not."

He's not dwelling on it. He's not blaming himself. He's not struggling with resentment. He's not spiraling in grief. So it's not like we need to make up WWX's feelings as we go along and just decide he must always be secretly traumatized. A lot of those type of posts also have this weird 'he's too oblivious to know if he were traumatized' flavor to them... Which leads to- there's also a significant difference between WWX allowing himself to acknowledge that he's faced hardships, and it wasn't a lark now that he has the space and time to do it, and the woe is I, everyone owes me, victim mentality so much of fandom imposes on him. That just erases a really significant aspect of his character, in the interest of making him more understandable and palatable to people who seemingly can't wrap their minds around someone going through trying things without making those things their entire personality.

#deeply apologetic for the delayed responses. have been away from my computer the past few days :) x #mdzs #answers #Wei Wuxian #Lan Wangji

[dreamifics]

Steve Harrington x Reader

Casuality

Just some fluff, angst and smut

Warning: mentions of alcohol, mentions of sexual activity, a little cursing

How did me and Y/N ended making out in my pool? Bad decisions and booze, that's the answer. I wanted it to stop, but it was good.. Too damn good. I can taste in her mouth the bitterness of the alcohol we drank a while ago. The mix of beer and vodka was still lingering in her mouth.

My hands run in her legs, as her hands tug my hair. There were fire igniting inside us, it was burning with lust and adrenaline. A low moan escapes her mouth, this added fuel to the fire inside us. We both knew that we'd regret this in the morning, but we didn't stop.

Y/N Henderson..

I'm close to her brother, but not to her. We fought monster beside each other, she was close to Robin, Nancy and Jonathan. But not to me, that's why I'm surprised when she arrived in my doorsteps, alcohol in her hands.

"Hey, Steviee!Wanna run around town and get smashed?"

She caught me off guard but I agreed, I was always intrigued by her. I never noticed her in high school but she seems to know everything about me.

"Oh, come on!Steve!I'm not stupid!I know you use that shitty shampoo and conditioner!"

"It's not shitty!It's the real deal!"

"Whatever, let's go back to your house and take a dip in your fancy pool!"

My mind snapped back as we moved to my bed, Y/N's heavy breaths and low moans was all I could hear from her. We drop in my bed, we knew were going to spend all night here. The sheets wrapped around our naked bodies, legs entangled with each others. Moans filling the room, sweats dripping from our hot naked body. We were drunk and stupid. Sobriety and rational thinking was out the window. This night was filled with bad decisions and bad decisions only.

Days have passed since that night, we decided to continue the relationship but we're keeping it casual. We're now sitting in my car, music blasting on the stereo on a low volume. She was looking blankly on the window as I drive her to campus.

"What are you thinking about?" I questioned, snapping her out of her trance. She smiled at me as she relaxed into the passenger seat.

"Whatever your thinking about.."

"Dustin moaning really weird last night?" I joked causing her to glare at me.

"No, but now that's what I'm thinking.." I chuckled at her response as I paid attention to the road.

"Hey, do you want to have a sleep over tonight?"

"Sleepover?What are you ten?Do you also want to braid each other's hair and have a pillow fight?" Her witty remarks always get me laughing, that's one thing I like about you Y/N..

"Come on, we're not gonna be sleeping anyway.." I pleaded.

"Ooh, Stevie gonnna give me the lovey dovey!" She said in a baby voice. Gotta admit, that was weird as hell.

"Oh dear god.." I mumbled under my breath.

"What's that Harrington?" Her glares could literally kill someone, I just gave her an innocent smile, she just rolled her eyes.

"Nothing.."

"I'll see you tonight, then.."

A comfortable silence filled the ambiance of the car, if I know Y/N and I think I do, she'll try to rummage her brain for something to talk to--.

"What was Dustin moaning about?" There it is..

"Oh dear god.." I just shake my head in amusement.

The first time I had ever seen you cry was the day we got home from campus, snots and tears were everywhere. I never saw you cry, even when we almost died twice while trying to save the world. Not a one single tear, but now your here infront of me. Tears in your eyes, as you sobbed into my chest. I don't know what to do, should I comfort you?

"What happend?" I finally asked the lingering thought in my head.

"I saw Dad with his brand new family.."

Y/N's father..

I never really met him but to what I gather from Y/N and Dustin is that he's a coward. He left his family to be with another woman.. Putting the three of you to emotional trauma and abuse.

"I'm sorry.." That's all I could say..

"After all what he did to Mom and Dustin, he have the audacity to be happy while Mom cover up the pain with cats.."

"I hate my dad, I swear if he ever comes back, I'll feed him to the demogorgons.. Why does this always happen to me? Can everything be just fine again?"

I hate seeing her like this.. What should I say? I can't really relate to her, my parents still stood by me.

"I'd do whatever I could do, if you want to get wasted, I'll do it with you, If you want to burn your dad's house, I'll be down with that. Just don't cry, I can't stand seeing you like this."

A small laugh erupted from her, moving beside me, she lay her head into my shoulders.

"Thanks for the reassurance Harrington.."

"That's what I'm here for.."

"Come on Steve, let's make out in your pool.." Y/N stands up, and gave me her hand, I gladly accepted it.

"Why do you have to ruin the mood?"

"How's that ruining the mood?If anything, I'm building the mood." She said in a sultry and teasing voice. I rolled my eyes, does she think I'll get turned on by that. She was crying just a moment ago, she was releasing snots.

"I think you have daddy issues, love.." It was her turn to roll her eyes.

"We all have daddy issues.." I grab her cheeks and peck her lips.

"We both have daddy issues, then." She just gave me the most precious smile that ever existed.. Oh, God. How I love you.

The first fight we had was also our last, it was your birthday. We were hanging out in your room, laying in her bed as the television played Star Wars. The pale moon was dancing all throughout the room, I knew there was something bothering me, we've been doing this for months, keeping everything casual. I'm growing tired of the constant thought that someone will take her away from me.. Don't get me wrong, I love Y/N, I'm not sure how she feel about me though. Y/N's like a close book, hard to read. So many things that I wish I knew, but there's so many walls that I can't break through. ( Where the swifties at? )

"Are you okay?" Y/N soft voice pulled me out of my head.

Am I really okay?No, why? I want us to be in a committed relationship, where someone can't take you away from me. That's how much I love you..

"Nothing, just thinking about us.." A small smile tugged in her lips as she scoot closer.

"What about us?" She asked, her brows wiggling.

"Being casual and all.." The smile she had falter, she moved away from me, running her hands through her hair.

"You know I'm not ready yet.."

"You always say that."

"Steve!I can't have this exact same conversation with you over and over again!" And here we are, fighting.. The anger inside me flicked open, I know it won't do good but I still went ahead and got mad.

"Why can't you say it once?!" Our shouts echoed through the whole house, her Mom is probably worried about her.

"What can't I say?!" She asked confused and angry at the samw time.

"That you love me!" The whole room suddenly got quiet, the look in Y/N's face was hard to read. Are you shocked? Scared? Angry? What? Do you love me like I love you? Please, say the words that I want--no, what I need to hear.

"Steve, we both know that we agreed to keep things casual.." She finally spoke, but not the words that came out was not what I needed.

"Casual?We've been together for almost a year now, how much more casual do you want it to get?"

"I--Steve, I can't do this now.." She backs away from me, opening her door wide open for me to leave.

"Why?" That's all that exited my mouth..

"Because I need space!" She snaps, a involuntary scoff left my lips.

"Space from what?!We barely have a relationship!"

"Just get away!I can't believe your pressuring me!" She shouts, but I stayed to say the words I'll regret..

"Let's just end whatever the fuck this is!"

"Fine!" She screamed as she walks up to me and pushed me out of her room.. Reaching the end of her door, she pushed me. I stumbled but managed to bounce back, before I can even say another word she slammed the door. And there's that..

"Steve?" Dustin came out of his room, a worried expression painted in his face.

"Are you and Y/N okay?"

"Yeah, it's just a--" I stopped at the middle of the sentence, my mouth refused to let the words escape.

"A what?" He questioned.

A break up..

"Nothing, it's nothing.." I lied..

I didn't know why I couldn't say the words. I clearly never wanted this to happen, I didn't know what happend. And I can't take it back, what's done is done..

Life with Y/N was hard, but life without her is much harder. Was I in the wrong? I shouldn't have pressure her, all I wanted is to go up at her house. But Dustin told me, she was really busy with a lot of schoolworks. Where did it get so complicated?

I was walking home when I saw Y/N, just standing in my porch front step. She seems fidgety and nervous, those sweet eyes seem to notice me. Y/N was wearing one of my Van Halen shirts, with a short and just some sneakers. You always looked beautiful in my shirts..

"Steve.." I love how she says my name, but I love it more if she screams my name. Flashes of her naked body grinding on me suddenly appeared on my head. This was not the time but I couldn't help it. I miss her..

"Hey.." I greet..

"I just wanted to--"

"I should be the one apologizing, I shouldn't pressure you like that.." I cut her off, I'm right. There's no need to apologize, I was in the wrong. I pressured her when I agreed to keep it casual.

"Still, I'm sorry too.." Y/N was always nice, never letting her pride get in the way of her life.. An eerie silence once filled our conversation, I never wanted this but maybe..

"Maybe it's best if I give you the space you nee--"

"I love you.." She cuts me off..

"Huh?" My mind went blank, my eyes blink rapidly as I try to sink in the three words you just dropped.

"I don't need space, I love you Steve Harrington.." She confessed cheekily, a small smile appeared on our face.

"I love you too.." She just smiles at me, but she was waiting for something. What is it? A ring, maybe? But this is not a proposal..

"What are you waiting for?Kiss me."

Ohh, right.. The way I moved was slow, I think she grew impatient because you pulled me and our lips collided into one. The way your lips was covered in the strawberry chapstick I gave you, this was my favorite thing in the world. I slid my tongue, it danced with yours. I pushed you in my door, opening it in the process.

When it burst open, we celebrated by going into my bed. Pushing Y/N into the bed was pretty arousing. We didn't need words or foreplay, we're pretty straightforward. Our lips once connected again, heavy breaths and low moans was all I could hear.

We slowly undressed each other, our lips was still intact, rushing into things was never really your motto. I felt your skin made contact with mine, I felt the heat from your body. My hands were making their way to her tender breasts, I slowly massaged it until the nipples turned like tiny stones. A loud moan came out from her mouth, I couldn't resist and licked them, biting them playfully. Another moan came out from her sweet lips, I stopped as I took out my hard and mounting manhood, I rest it unto her thighs. Y/N sits up, looking at me with questions in those eyes.

"What happend?You got tired?" Y/N whisper in her sultry voice.

"Taunting me?Really?"

Before she can even respond I got on top of bed and smirked, your naked body was softly laying in my bed. This made me harder, you're so perfect in every way. My hands are already in your legs, spreading it wide and open. I can see you closing your eyes at my touch, I drove my two fingers inside her. She moans with the contact it made, eyes rolled in the back of her head. I ravish her breast with my mouth as my fingers interact inside her.

"Fuck, Steve!"

I was hitting the right places, she was twisting left and right, her hands were gripping my sheets, I pulled my fingers out and replaced it with my organ. A loud piercing moan escapes her lips as I pump into her, every thrust was in sync with her breathing. I slowly grunt as I pump harder and deeper into her, I yank her legs back, as my other hand gripped her ass. I dug myself further into her, setting off another shattering moan.

"Steve, faster."

I increasing the speed, she wrapped her arms around my back, her nails digging into my skin. Pain and Pleasure was a great mixture for me. I hit every possible spot inside her, the nails dug deeper as I thrust harder and much more deeper. The speed increased once again, as I feel both of our climax building up inside, it can explode any second now. Every thrust I make, every moan she screams, and every sweat that drips was a cherry on top.

"Fuck, I'm coming!"

With that we both exploded into each other, I felt a warm liquid flows between her legs and mine. A small smile appeared on her lips as we were both out of breath, her hair was all disheveled.

"Well, that was fun.." She whisper, her voice hoarsed from all the moaning she did.

"I can see.." I joked causing her cheeks to blush..

"Shut up!"

I pulled out, she shivered at that action. I laid next to her, she looks at me with love and compassion. She pecked a kiss in my lips, cuddling besides me as the moon peaked through my windows. Y/N deserves every love and adoration in the world, I'm going to marry you someday..

This is my first smut ever, I hope it was..nice? If there's anything wrong I did in the smut, you can tell me, I'll do anything to improve it! I also accept request, any characters! Marvels, DC, B99, FRIENDS, Criminal Minds, TBBT, Community, basically anything! I accept anything! You can leave a comment or give me an ask!

Taglist

@sydneekomspacekru

#steve harrington x you #imagines #steve harrington x reader #stranger things #smut #steve harrington smut #oneshot

[mcrmadness]

ngjenekwngwe I'm again so pissed by the fact I got diagnosed with Asperger's despite not even being autistic :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Like, I haven't even been ACTUALLY TESTED FOR AUTISM EVER. I'm pretty sure my doctor from when I was 12 just decided it can't be anything else but Asperger's and then diagnosed me with it when I was 23, after meeting with me ONCE (or twice?), after not meeting with her at all since I was what, 15. It's so ridiculous!

I wish some sort of a reverse autism test existed cos I would pass that with perfect score. Because I don't have even the core symptoms of autism, I only have the ones that overlap with ADHD (which I believe I have), and the rest of the "symptoms" are just me being an introvert and aroace which in this society and in my country's psychiatric system are still very alarming signs of autism, and it's so wrong on so many levels.

For example, one of the core symptoms for autism is the inability to read people, their facial expressions and recognize emotions from that. I do not have this, I have never experienced this. In fact, I dare to say I am better at that than what even a regular NT would be.

The fact why my doctor maybe thought that I don't is because she somehow never took into account that I was heavily bullied in school and of course that fucks up with ANYONE'S brain, and I was having severe social anxiety which also caused me to see people through the social anxiety lense. Of course I saw other people's actions in a distorted way because I a) had been bullied so I lost my trust in other people and b) I was often betrayed by friends so I became very sensitive to abandonment and was seeing hatred even there where it was not.

I am 30 now. I have gotten over the worst social anxiety. I have been wondering and pondering my teenage traumas so, so many times during all these years that my self-esteem is not that horrible anymore. I don't believe everyone hates me as a standard anymore. I don't think someone randomly talking angrily to me is my fault, I am able to tell myself "well maybe they just had a bad day" or simply: "maybe they're just hungry". Whatever the reason, it is not that they hate me without knowing me. It's literally impossible to hate someone you don't know. And before I believed I'm rivals with everyone who doesn't know me and we need to get to the neutral zone first, when in reality you usually start from the neutral or even from the positive zone.

So I was just thinking: if my doctors showed me a folder of people with different facial expressions, I would be able to recognize each of them. I would be able to even give a deep dive into what I see in those faces and not just some common emotions. I'd come up with a story for why they maybe are having that emotion, or emotions, I see in the picture.

It's literally insane to me that my doctor literally does not even consider listening to me when I ask if that Asperger's diagnose could go. There never was any reason for it even existing. I have never had any of the childhood Asperger's/Autism traits either. I simply have never had any symptoms that exist in autism only.

I do have selective mutism, which is tied to social anxiety, tho. I got these two diagnosed when I was 12. So any weird behaviour the doctors probably have seen, has usually been either due to my shyness, or to my selective mutism, or both. As mutism can sometimes cause a child (or teen) behave ways that are very very similar to autism, but still the CORE of that behaviour is different. It looks the same maybe, but it does not feel the same.

On Tumblr, I also often see posts where autistic people talk about their experiences and sometimes I can relate because ND stuff can overlap a lot; but I still don't relate to the major traits nor experiences of autistic people. Like I said, I literally lack most of the criteria that you have to have in order to even be diagnosed with it.

#mcrmadness' deep thoughts

[ravenwritesstuff]

So we've got Kristanna now, and I TOTALLY agree but could you also share what's bothering you in Elsa in F2, please? I suppose you like her, and I feel like something's off with her, just can't figure out what exactly (except this Christ-like persona she becomes at the end). Even though I liked her creation better than A and K's... I still think characterization was a total disaster in this movie, and so was portrayal of A/K and E/A relations...

Okay. I have a fucking bone to pick with this one.

I have no idea if this will resonate with you or what your cognitive dissonance is with Elsa as a character BUT this is what squicks me.

I say all of this also admitting that Elsa is one of my favorite characters in Frozen because of the potential she had, but not because of how she actually turned out.

The biggest issue I personally have with Elsa is that they mishandle her trauma and anxiety on so many levels.

It seems the writers were never sure if they want her to be a confident queen or a cowering child or intrepid adventurer.

I understand better than most that when it comes to being a chronic over thinker with over bearing/semi-abusive parents and generalized anxiety disorder on top of PTSD - sometimes you have good days. Sometimes you have good minutes. Sometimes you fall into a wasteland that makes suicide seem like a logical choice, but the way they handle it with her was so inconsistent and all over the place.

Even in an irregular mind there are set patterns and triggers.

Which leads me to my next point in that I am not sure if they realized they were writing a character with PTSD and anxiety.

In many ways her reactions are written more like she just lacks confidence in her abilities.

I do not think this is a fair portrayal since we are also shown her panic, her fear, and her intense desire to please authority figures/save face/pressure to not kill someone with the powers she never wanted.

She saw her sister, her favorite human in the world, almost DIE from her abilities and was told by a weird rock creature that people were going to kill her because of her powers.

Hell. If that wasn’t enough to screw her up for life then:

Her parents died (They fucking DIED).

And they were the ones that completely controlled her existence and told her what to do and isolated her form the rest of the world.

Even with their death she cannot even break free of those rules and just be honest with her only other living relative that would support her 2,000% because #PTSD and #EmotionalAbuse.

Elsa is a fucking mess and they show that she is a fucking mess but then they fix it with... I am not exactly sure?

Just like the end of Frozen, Frozen II falls into the same trap of having Elsa experience some revelatory platitude that makes very little sense and then she is just... okay?

She just suddenly rewires every single synapse and behavioral trigger from DECADES of ingrained thinking and mental mapping because you sing a song (Show Yourself)? Or a nebulous concept (Anna mentioning love)?

Yeah.

It’s bull shit.

They have a chance to really show what it is like to have a character struggle with trauma and anxiety in a real way that could be helpful to young people but instead they alienate them further by making it even less approachable by making it seem like if they just found that one simple phrase, that silver bullet, they will suddenly be mentally stable.

That is a fucking nasty worm to plant in the head of a kid that struggles with any form of mental issues.

So instead of being a potential champion of and instructive/conversational aid for people who live with trauma, anxiety, et al. Elsa instead becomes the cultural cancer that keeps most of us silent.

Why can’t we just fix ourselves?

Why can’t we just realize we are loved?

Why can’t we just be fucking normal and stop freaking out about every fucking thing?

BeCauSe ThAt iS nOt HoW tHiS WorKs okAY?

The shit she went through stays for life and takes HUNDREDS of intentional hours with a professional to work through.

Anyway I am so over that noise.

Elsa is a FUCKING TRAINWRECK and not just because of her trauma, but because of how she is written.

She is inconsistent and not because of her underlying emotional state but because writers had to force a plot onto her that did not fit with her mental state and gave her zero opportunity for actually growth.

All of Elsa’s growth in Frozen and Frozen II is synthesized. It has no substance, no backing, no work, no actual effort. It just... happens.

We have no investment in her actually developing or improving as a character.

She has fucking ice powers. Okay?!

What else do we need?

Uhhhh...

A lot?

Maybe her actually working through her massive issues in a productive, effort filled way instead of just have 3 songs and then being 100% normal?

Basically Elsa had potential to be such an amazing avenue for discussion about abuse and mental health and instead that gave her sparkly dresses (the dresses aren’t the issue) and the ability to create sentient life out of snow that has more self-perceptive abilities that she does.

(((ALSO the way the portray her as a ‘loving’ sister is the biggest pile of shit I have ever seen. She is fucking abusive towards Anna from start to finish and it is disgusting)))

But that is another 1,000 word rant so imma sign off now