#I also never used MySpace so that’s maybe just a kill issue

[fishyartist]

Ui idea tests, thrown together bc im eepy. Was planning on doing more but I spent all my days energy on the second one oops

#Danny phantom #I need to draw more or I’ll die <- guy who’s meds exhaust them #writing is so hard how do u not make everyone sound like you through a bad filter #Ik that’s unavoidable in some ways (like how art style will always look like u did it+not someone else) #but ugh. I’ll figure it out eventually takes practice+learning+all that #was planning on writing today but then I though ‘huh it might b fun to make some fake ‘’screenshot’’ concepts #also the portal basement has a more complex design but again #eepy #I think the gimmicky MySpace-inspired boxes r fun but idk how well I could keep that theme going w/ some characters #I also never used MySpace so that’s maybe just a kill issue #*skill lol #the command prompt one would basically just be for the portal #I keep saying that this project isn’t feasible buy my hyperfixated ass keeps trying anyways

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #356

“i’m just a painting that’s still wet: if you touch me, i’ll be smeared, you’ll be stained, stained for the rest of your life”

Have you ever used emotional blackmail to get your own way? WOW, no. What a starter. Has anybody ever used emotional blackmail on you? Not to my memory. Who did you last worry about and why? Honestly? Myself. My physical health just isn't very good right now. When are you next at work? Do you enjoy your work? N/A When was the last time you ate/drank something gross just to be polite? I'm not sure; I'm honestly very, very bad at this. I struggle big time hiding if I don't like something. Last time you heard a growl, who or what did it come from? My stomach. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? Never. Do you have a mouse for your laptop? (Assuming you have a laptop) I use a mouse. I'm not a big trackpad fan. Do you have the right time set on your microwave? Yeah. What is your most expensive bill? I don't have any bills that I pay myself, because I can't. Do you have a big yard? No. Is there someone you would love to punch right now? Myself lol. Does the water in your shower take a long time to get warm? Yeah, it does. Song playing? I have "Leave A Scar" by Marilyn Manson on. Are you tired? I'm always tired. If you had the power to instantly transform someone’s life (for the better), who would you choose to use this on? My mom. Her entire life has been so fucking unfair, and she doesn't deserve it whatsoever. Just one day of her being perfectly happy would make my entire life. You wake up to a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. Your family is safe, but most of your city is zombified. You need weapons and various other supplies. What is your first general course of action? I seriously cannot even begin to imagine what I would do besides panic and be one of the first to die, honestly. If a family member (or boyfriend/girlfriend, if you have one) happened to be infected by one of these undead creatures, how would you go about dealing with that situation? It would tear me to shreds, but shoot them in the head to hopefully prevent them from turning. I couldn't let them suffer. Does someone’s view on homosexuality affect how you feel about them in any way? Sure as hell does. How about someone’s view on religion? This one depends on what their beliefs entail and to what intensity. If you were paralyzed from the neck down, would you still want to continue living? Why or why not? NO. NO. NO. This is seriously one of my biggest fears. Just fucking kill me. That sounds like very legitimate torture to me. Has any medication you’ve taken ever made you sick? How so? Three, to my memory. When I started Latuda, it made me throw up semi-frequently, BUT its effectiveness made me stay on it. My body eventually adjusted. The same thing happened with my current mood stabilizer, Vraylar. I was also on another, Trintellix I think, and that one did nothing but consistently make me puke, so I stopped it. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? No. Would you rather drink alone or with friends? With friends. Do you have too much time on your hands? WAY too much time. And yet I do nothing productive with it. Have you ever thought about hurting someone? Not seriously, no. Do you thank people for helping you? Always. Have you ever seen a zebra up close? Yeah, a few. Do you freak out if you see blood? Nah, it doesn't bother me. Have you ever complained to a manager about anything? What was it? No. Are there any songs that make you feel angry inside when you hear them? "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White makes me feel that, among a thousand other emotions that are way too strong for me to handle, so I just don't listen to it. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? YIKES, no. Are you in an argument with anyone right now? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Numerous times. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? I think only my grandmother has done that. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. (: Have you friended your parents on FB? I have my mom on there, but Dad doesn't have a FB. Where do you go out to eat for a special occasion? It depends on what we're in the mood for and what the occasion is. When someone sneezes, do you say “Bless you,” or “God Bless you?” Just "bless you." Have you ever seen the movie A Walk to Remember? Cliche or worth watching? Yeah, it's a wonderful movie. Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? House. Are you one of those people who like to spell out numbers? Grammatically speaking, any number below ten should be spelled out. I obviously spell out "ten," but w/e. Did you or do you still have a Furby? Was/is it annoying? I did as a kid. It didn't annoy me then, but as an adult I know they're creepy as shit lol. What's one event your town has that you don’t like to participate in? I don’t participate in any town events. Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouse’s names? Yeah. There's Nick, Josh, and Franky. Do you know how to sew? What's your favorite thing to sew? No. Have you ever owned a turtle? Did it ever bite you when you owned it? It's so awful looking back on, but my sisters and I kept a box turtle that wondered into our yard once as kids. No proper husbandry or anything; it was just in the kiddie pool. Thankfully, we were smart enough to not actually keep it forever (or rather, until it probably died from improper care); we wound up releasing it into the pond near our house, from which we assume it came from. Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I do; it comes with the Adobe photography bundle I have. I definitely don't use it daily, or even weekly. Has your school ever had a lockdown? If so, for what reason exactly? No, only drills. Do you enjoy it when your school has drills? (ex/fire or tornado drill?) I didn't, no, because I didn't like imagining the real situation. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? I'm an adult, for one. But anyway, I've never watched shows they'd have a problem with. If you have any pets, how would you describe their personalities? The cat, Roman: very, very affectionate, boisterous, demanding, playful, smart as fuck, and shy when it comes to strangers. The snake, Venus: curious, chill, and a bit timid. Do you have any friends that own a private lake? Not to my knowledge. Do you have a drone? No. Who is your favorite comedian? It was John Pinette, but following his death, probably Gabriel Iglesias. Where were you the last time you stayed in a hotel? I think at a dance competition? Do you know anyone with Crohn’s disease? Yeah. Out of all of the shows, movies, and books you love, who is your OTP (one true pairing)? Probably Spyro and Cynder from The Legend of Spyro trilogy. I love them. But I honestly don't have like, intense OTP feelings for any fictional characters? No real reasons, I just don't. Rhett and Link are my *true* OTP haha, but I didn't know if they counted since they're obviously real. Have you ever written a fanfiction? Did people actually like it? Nah. Have you ever liked playing dollmakers or online dress-up games? OH MY GOD my little sister and I would do that together ALL the time. Have you ever sent any celeb fan mail? No. Have you ever gotten a serious injury at school? What happened? No. Do your pets follow you when you walk around the house? Oh yes, he's my shadow. What was the very first social media site you signed up for? Myspace. Are you the type of person who knows exactly what they want in life? I mean, I know what I want, I just don't know if it's achievable for me. Do you have commitment issues? Nope. If you were to start a business, what kind would it be? I'd love to have like my own facility for boudoir photography. I've only shot boudoir once, but it immediately became a passion because of how empowering it was for my then-friend. I could go on a real ramble as to why I love it. What’s something you’ve done that sounds too crazy to be true? Been to psychiatric hospitals like six times. I honestly did lose count. Are there any flowers planted outside your house? No. What was the last thing you drank? Water. Truly incredible, I know. What’s the weirdest decoration you’ve seen in someone else’s home? *shrug* Did you have your own bathroom when you were growing up? No. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad and his wife. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? That dinosaurs never existed. What was the very first election you voted in? This past one, actually. Do you feel positive and optimistic about your future? I don't want to think about this. What exes do you still associate with? Just Sara and Girt. Who told you they loved you last? My mom. Your worst enemy? I don't say I have any enemies. People who don't like me or I don't like them, but "enemy" isn't the proper word. What was your last dream about? Ugh. What a fucking question to ask, considering what I dreamt last night. I had both a nightmare and a normal dream; in the nightmare, I was sucked up into a tornado and carried away, and it felt so, so real. I was terrified. The dream is more vague in my memory, but I know I was at Jason's house (which wasn't actually his house) and his mom was still alive. I was hanging out with her and just chatting. It made me wake up in a really somber mood. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Psych hospitals, yes. Have you ever built a snowman? Yeah. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Chocolate. Do you have any scars? I have a lot, but most are from negligible instances that just won't go away for some reason. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? Putting all impossibilities aside as well as any potential health repercussions, maybe a meerkat and an opossum? Just in general a meerkat with a marsupial tail would be SO cute. Plus imagine the pattern. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? Oh I don't know. Can you do any accents other than your own? I can pull off a really convincing British one. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. No. I just get clean, get out. I've always hated showering (the process anyway, I obviously enjoy feeling clean), so I get my business done adequately and then I'm done. Do you believe in aliens? Eh, maybe. It does seem pretty questionable to believe NOTHING else can exist in an infinite space. I doubt they're little green men, though. What do you think about babies? WAY too much work and WAY too much responsibility. Keeping another life safe, healthy, happy... the idea alone is terrifying. No thanks.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''leave a scar'' by marilyn manson

[leakedinlondon]

i cannot agree about CA being innocent. she literally had deleted Google searches like “fool proof suffocation” and extensive searches for chloroform on the day of the death. told the cops she had talked to Caylee the day she was reported missing, even though she was long dead, said she worked at Universal studios, and didn't admit the truth until she had failed to show them her desk. she told them Caylee had a nanny (whose name was literally Zanny, after Casey's drug of choice) that had taken and killed her. even if the cause of death was drowning like some people say, then why the duct tape? that for me cements the idea that this was not just negligence turned into a cover up. there was a lot of evidence kept out of the trial (like the Google searches) that I think really hurt the chances of her being convicted.

Aokay imma break this down point by point i’m not trying to be mean this is just my opinion and i find this case v interesting so pls don't take this as me attacking u or anything💖 this ended up very long so here’s a read more

The google searches

So basically I’m not under the impression the chloroform searches happened the same day Caylee died if I’m remembering correctly, what they did correlate with was a post her boyfriend made on Myspace (facebook maybe????) which was basically a meme that said ‘win her over with chloroform’. she sees the post, googles chloroform, then the immediate search she makes after this is ‘self defence’

the foolproof suffocation one is dodgy af and hard to defend, but if you look at the phone and online history of that day there are a few interesting points if we’re building a timeline.

Cindy leaves for work at 7am. We can assume at this point Caylee is alive.

Casey leaves her parents house by 4.11pm. we can assume by this point Caylee has died and her body has been dumped in the park.

but a lot happens between this

between 7.45am and 2.21pm there is constant activity on both Casey’s computer and phone, the most noteworthy of this activity being a phone call. It is important to note that one thing that is consistent through Casey’s browsing and phone history is that she was always using one or the other. She is on the phone with her best friend Amy from 1.44pm- 2.21pm, and after this, there is a gap in browsing history until 2.51pm when she makes the foolproof suffocation search (with suffocation being misspelled), and clicks on a website that deals with ways to commit suicide via suffocation. After this, there is no further gap in her browsing and phone history. She talks to a friend at 2.22pm (one minute after the suffocation google search) who describes the conversation as abnormal, and she is talking about having to find a new place to live. After this she talks to her dad on the phone, then proceeds to try and call a number of people, including her mother multiple time, her boyfriend and her ex boyfriend, all of which go unanswered. 

Based on the timeline we can assume that whatever occured happened prior to the 2.22pm phone call to her friend, and therefore also prior to the foolproof suffocation search. It is likely that this was in response to Caylee's death, and was more suicidal inclination than homicidal.  

Duct tape

So the thing with the duct tape isn't very nice but uhhh...... the Anthony family had a tradition that when burying pets they would wrap them in their favourite blanket, then a garbage bag, duct tape the garbage bag and dispose of the body. That’s how Caylee’s body was disposed of, and that’s why the duct tape was there. There’s also some spicy stuff surrounding the dude that found the body potentially moving it but that’s a whole other Thing that i won’t get into but he is DODGY.

Casey partying (the Xanex thing)  and the lying

Okay so like...... here’s the thing...... based on literally ALL of the character witness testimony Casey did. not. like clubbing. like at all. They described her as a homebody who did not like going out and an excellent mother who loved spending time with her kid, and when they did stuff together she would try and make them do things she could bring Caylee to. The only person who seemed to think she liked clubbing was her friend Amy who Casey had a history of saying shit too just to make her happy. an example is an instance where Amy wanted to move in with Casey, Casey said yes and acted like she was 100% down for despite the fact that she literally had no way to pay for it and just made excuses until Amy eventually gave up on it. This kind of things happened all the time with Amy. Amy said that Casey could never go out with her because either she couldn't find a babysitter (Cindy probably would have watched Caylee if asked lbr) or that she had to work. We know for a fact that Casey didn’t have a job. She literally just didn’t like going out and didn’t want to let Amy down so she lied to her. Which is was Casey did because she was a compulsive liar, and being a compulsive liar doesn’t make you a murder. I have a friend who’s a compulsive liar and when I catch her in lies she just keeps digging herself deeper and deeper until either she confesses to lying or I let it go, and this is EXACTLY what Casey does. 

Anyway so now we’ve established that Casey does not like partying we’re gonna have to address the partying she was doing while Caylee was missing. Now this entire point is kind of misleading. Casey did not party nearly as much as you think she did. Her time away from her parent's house until Caylee was reported missing is split into two sections, when she was living with her boyfriend, and when she was living with Amy.

 Her boyfriend worked at a nightclub (I cannot remember his exact position but it was high up enough that Casey used to help out a lot). The times she ’went clubbing’ while she was living with him she was essentially working. The infamous hot body contest? at her boyfriend's club. They didn’t have enough woman so she was asked to do it and she did. Most of the time there she spent managing the drink girls. She was not exactly partying.

The times she did go out clubbing was when she was living with Amy, she can’t say she can’t find a babysitter when she’s living with the girl and she knows full well her kids not there, and she can only use work as an excuse to many times, and we know she has issues saying no to Amy, so she goes clubbing. I could have missed it but i have no memory of Casey ever admitting to using Xanax recreationally, and that’s just speculation based on the name. 

Additionally, it should be noted that whenever Caylee was ‘at the nanny’ while Casey was at work, she was literally just hanging out with her kid all day. like we know she wasn’t at work because she didn’t have a job.

Proof of drowning

Honestly, I think we can agree that the most reliable family member is Cindy. George has some fkn issues that I'm not going to get into in this and Casey is Casey so yeah, Cindy’s the best there is.

And Cindy says some interesting shit that illudes to the fact that maybe Caylee did drown.

Firstly, it’s an established thing that when talking on the phone Casey would leave Caylee unattended (the phone call with Amy from 1.44pm- 2.21pm. This is likely when Caylee drowned based on the timeline.

We know that when Cindy got home from work that day she found the pool ladder down and she was not happy. She called George to berate him about it and commented on it to her coworkers the next day. 

Right after Caylee was reported missing and way before any growing had been mentioned Cindy called one of the detectives and expressed again how concerned she was about the pool ladder being left down, fearing that Caylee had drowned

Literally everyone involved in the case, including those outside of the Anthony family expressed that the pool was a major safety hazard that Caylee repetitively was trying to get into. she was obsessed with swimming. Casey’s boyfriend said on one occasion Caylee had attempted to run straight into the pool at his apartment upon arriving and Casey had to run after had and stop her from jumping in.

We know based on photos shown at the trial that Caylee was both able to open the sliding door to get outside, and that she was able to climb the pool ladder independently, which is why Cindy was so upset upon finding the pool ladder down.

#dogmomdeluxe

[eleanor-writes-stuff]

i miss the thought of a forever you and me [one-shot]

Kylo Ren has spent what seems to be the entirety of his adult life working towards a partnership in Snoke's firm. Now that future is finally within reach, and only one thing stands in his way.

So maybe he hasn't spoken to Rey in eight years. And maybe he's still not quite over her. But getting in touch with his ex-girlfriend to have her take down their old webcam videos shouldn't be an issue... right?

This is far from my best work, but I haven’t posted anything in nearly a month so here, have a two-tropes-in-one fic: exes getting back together and ‘we were young and broke and webcam porn seemed like a good idea’. Is that last one even a trope? Who knows. I wrote it anyway. If a bunch of fluff and pining sounds like a good idea, this might be the fic for you.

Also available on AO3.

Kylo Ren has been working towards this moment for the entirety of his adult life.

“If all goes as planned,” Snoke finally says after a long, roundabout conversation about legacies and partnerships and apprentices becoming equals, “the announcement will be made this Monday.”

The announcement – the one that will cement his place as a partner of the firm, the one that will ensure his name lives on forever, the one that will overshadow anything and everything that has come before. “Sir, this is–”

Snoke holds up a hand, all paper-thin skin and arthritis-curled fingers; it’s a wonder, really, that the man is still alive at all, let alone sharp enough to continue running his firm. Some will see this announcement as a sign of weakness, as the beginning of a transition of power – and perhaps they’ll be right. Two years ago, Kylo would have entertained the thought in the back of his mind, might even have come up with the outline of a plan to begin the process of supplanting Snoke entirely.

As it is, he can barely even muster the energy to fake excitement at the news.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself just yet, boy,” Snoke warns him. “Once the announcement goes out, it won’t take long for everyone to start looking you up. While I trust that Kylo Ren has been nothing but professional, I cannot say the same of Ben Solo – and I refuse to have another Hux situation.”

Just last week, Hux had been his sole competitor for this very partnership – until a quick Google search by Snoke’s assistant had yielded pictures of Hux in a Nazi costume plastered all over the Internet. The idiot had worn the costume not one, not two, but five Halloweens in a row, and any effort on his part to contain the damage would have been hopeless.

He was fired that very day.

“I assure you, sir,” Kylo speaks firmly, with all the confidence of someone who was born into the spotlight and has almost never done anything stupid, “that will not happen.”

Snoke pins him with a look that might have been intimidating once, back when he still cared about the man’s opinion and approval. “See that it doesn’t. Take the rest of the week to get your affairs in order.”

He’s dismissed with a limp wave of Snoke’s hand – has he really grown that frail in just a handful of years, or was Kylo simply too blinded by his promises of greatness to notice before?

Kylo thinks he sees that same blind loyalty in Mitaka as he walks past the assistant’s desk. The man is terrified of him and had been just as scared of Hux, but that hadn’t stopped Mitaka from bringing his findings to Snoke anyway, even at the cost of making a lifelong enemy out of Hux.

Maybe someday, Kylo thinks as he returns Mitaka’s curious gaze with a curt nod, you’ll wake up too. You’ll realize that the voice whispering in the darkness is filling you with empty promises, that greatness and power mean nothing without all the other things he’ll make you sacrifice first.

But then what? Kylo himself came to that realization years ago, and here he is anyway because what else is there? Maybe that’s the truly frightful thing about Snoke – even if he can’t deceive you forever, he’ll make sure that there’s nothing else left for you, that there’s no reason to break free of his trap.

Maybe once there would have been a reason, a person–

But that was years ago. Now there’s no one else, and nowhere else, so he might as well just stay and keep going down this path strewn with material comfort and little else.

Kylo returns to his office and settles in to retrace every single step he’s ever taken online. There’s nothing left of pre-college Ben Solo – he’d made sure of that the summer after high school in a foolish attempt to present himself with a clean slate for college, as if his last name and his parentage didn’t cast a longer shadow than anything his idiot fourteen-year-old self could have said on Myspace. After college there was no more Ben Solo, only Kylo Ren, and an intensive Google search (he’s on the seventh page of search results by the time he clicks away) reveals nothing but a handful of professional profiles used for networking and the occasional write-up about him or his cases.

Which leaves him with one last concern: college Ben Solo.

College Ben Solo has a Facebook account that he never posted on, one he used only to interact with his classmates and lecturers. He has a Twitter account with zero tweets, and an Instagram account with zero posts but a hundred or so tagged photos.

That was the only reason he’d signed up for Instagram in the first place: to see what kind of pictures his friends were posting of him, to see (and like) everything Rey tagged him in.

He would have deleted his Facebook account years ago, but he’s a sentimental fool and that was where he and Rey first got to know each other, really, when she chose to write to him instead of the literal dozens of others in their class for help. (It’s Rey from poli sci. I wasn’t in class today. Did I miss anything?)

He should have deleted his Twitter account the day he graduated, but sometimes he scrolls through all of his Favorites and their relationship plays like a movie in his head, each milestone – no matter how tiny – recorded for posterity in 140 characters. (The summer before their third year, a picture of her rolling her eyes at the camera and him talking to a realtor in the background: house-hunting with the pickiest guy in the world. I swear to god, @Ben_Solo, if you don’t pick an apartment by today I will kill you.)

And Instagram… Instagram is an exercise in masochism. Pictures of them in class, when Holdo was running late and she was bored. Pictures of them hanging out at parties Hux dragged him to and Finn dragged her to. Pictures of her tucked into his side on movie night, of him turning his face away from her camera while he made them breakfast, of the two of them building an entire life together. (A caption to accompany the last picture of them she ever posted, her head on his shoulder and his arm around her waist: Who needs a space heater when you’ve got this guy? #lifehacks #savingafortuneonheatingthiswinter #agirlcouldgetusedtothis)

It’s painful to look back on, every single bit of it, but there’s nothing here that would actually have a negative impact on his reputation. His Twitter account is already private and his Facebook reveals nothing but a string of perfunctory, impersonal birthday messages from former classmates. He double-checks that his Instagram account is locked, and then he looks up her account too – just to be safe.

Rey Niima | Cali Full-time software engineer, part-time app developer, occasionally an actual human with a social life.

The bio’s changed since he last saw it a year ago – I almost never post but don’t worry, I’m (probably) not dead – but the account’s still locked, which should mean no one can see her pictures of him. He’ll have to check with someone who’s more familiar with social media – maybe Phasma, who’s gotten surprisingly good at this stuff since she started developing a social media presence for her gym – but Kylo’s pretty sure this means he can keep all of his shrines to the past without exposing himself as a lovesick fool to the public.

All except one, that is.

Kylo exits Instagram, sets his phone aside, and reluctantly turns to his laptop. He types a URL into the box – one he visits far more than he’d like to admit – and watches as a few dozen thumbnails for corresponding videos begin to appear.

Because while college Ben Solo had maintained a minimal, barely-there presence on social media, there’s one particular corner of the web where he had been very, very active.

There’s a reason he waited until he was safely locked away in his own house to conduct this online purge, and the revealing thumbnails make him glad he did – limbs splayed wide open and miles upon miles of bare skin but no faces, never any faces, they were always so careful about that. It’s probably the only reason no one’s ever found out about this.

He’s never forgotten about it – having sex with your girlfriend in front of a live online audience isn’t exactly something you can just forget about – but Kylo’s felt fairly confident in their anonymity for the past few years. No names, no faces, shitty audio that completely distorted their voices – they’d thought of everything, discussed it all at length when she first approached him with the idea. But now… now he can’t risk it any longer. So as much as he’s going to miss being able to watch these whenever he really, really misses her–

It’s time to call Rey up and ask her to take down all of their videos.

“Hello,” she says distractedly – he can picture her pressing the phone between her ear and shoulder, her hands busy at work and her mind half-focused on a dozen different things. The image is so vivid it hurts, and her voice – the voice he used to wake up to a lifetime ago – isn’t helping.

He takes a deep breath. “Um, hey. It’s…” Not Ben, not for a long time now, but would she even remember Kylo Ren? The name he only adopted towards the end of their time together, the name she laughed at once or twice before telling him to stop being an idiot, Ben Solo is a perfectly good name–

Over the phone, Rey makes an almost imperceptible sound – a gasp, maybe, or a sharp inhale. “Ben,” she breathes, not even the slightest hint of a question in her voice after all these years.

He was always Ben to her, even right up until the end. It doesn’t feel right to change that now. “Yeah, it’s me. Sorry to just call you up like this–”

“It’s okay,” Rey cuts him off, her words tumbling out in a rush. Maybe he should’ve asked if this is a good time to talk. “Really, it’s fine. What’s… what’s up?”

“I’m… this is going to sound weird, but I’m in town and I need to talk to you about something… private,” he grimaces as it finally hits him how ridiculous this all is, how pathetic and see-through his excuse is. They could’ve had this phone call even on opposite ends of the world; he could’ve checked the website after to make sure she’d gone through with it. There’s absolutely no reason for him to have flown across the country just for this.

But here he is anyway.

Rey is quiet for the longest while. “Oh,” she finally says. “I… um. Okay, I guess. Do you want to tell me what this is about or would you rather–”

“I’d rather tell you in person,” Kylo says quickly, before he can lose his nerve and fly back without ever laying eyes on her. “Can I- are you free now?”

“Now?” she echoes questioningly. “I’m kinda at work right now, Ben.”

Because of course she’s at work, of course she has a routine and a life and none of it is going to stop just because he’s unceremoniously dropped himself back into her existence. His life in New York feels so distant now, almost like a dream, but it’s unfair of him to expect her to drop everything and rush to him the way he’s rushed to her.

“Of course,” he mutters. “I’m sorry, I forgot that–”

“But my lunch break is in two hours, if you’d like to drop by then,” Rey offers haltingly, her tone somewhere between a suggestion and a question.

“Yes,” the word tumbles past his lips without a moment’s thought. “Yes. Great. That’d be great.” He clears his throat to shut himself up and stop rambling at Rey.

“Great!” she agrees brightly, her cheery tone the slightest bit hysteria-tinged. “So I’ll just text you the address?”

He could easily look it up himself, of course, but he’ll take any form of contact with her – Kylo’s not above admitting that to himself. “Yeah, sure. Thanks. See you in a bit, Rey,” he makes himself say, because who knows how long he’ll keep her on the phone otherwise, keep her voice in his ear and her presence in his life.

When Rey speaks, he likes to think he can hear a smile in her voice. “See you, Ben,” she says quietly, and a moment later her voice is gone and his phone is buzzing with a message containing directions to Resistance Tech.

The company sounds vaguely familiar – he must’ve read about her getting a job there at some point, maybe gleaned it from one of her bios or a congratulatory post on Finn’s Facebook account. There’s so little about her that he actually knows, but the bits and pieces stored in the back of his mind are still more than he should have, more than he’s entitled to, given that they haven’t spoken in eight years.

He wonders when she stopped working with Skywalker, and why; wonders if she still hates coffee and chugs way too much Coke in the mornings to get her caffeine hit instead; wonders if she ever reaches out across the bed at night only to remember there’s no one there anymore, the way he still does.

Thirty minutes later he hops into an Uber and stares out the window at the bright sun and the swaying trees, thinks of how much Rey must love this place, all her favorite parts about her desert home and their rainy college town rolled into one city.

The car pulls up to Resistance Tech more than an hour later, and his Uber driver tells him that’s considered good time given that it’s the middle of the day and they made their way here all the way from the airport. He thanks the guy, shoulders his weekend bag, and opens the door to a beautiful, sprawling, horribly familiar sight.

Rey never stopped working with Skywalker, Kylo realizes belatedly. Resistance Tech is just the new name his mother had chosen for the company when she decided to quit politics and partner up with her brother.

The receptionist calls for someone to escort him upstairs when she recognizes his name, and Kylo finds himself deposited in an empty conference room on the seventeenth floor shortly after.

The hallway outside is barely lit, and the entire floor seems abandoned for now. He sits down for a bit, re-reads Rey’s message a couple of times before he takes to restlessly pacing the length of the conference room and then parting the blinds to look at the courtyard below.

Benches and picnic tables dot the open space, and food carts begin to appear seemingly out of nowhere as lunch hour draws near. He thinks he spots Finn amongst the throng of employees spilling out of the building, accompanied by a man and a woman, and idly wonders if maybe he’ll catch a glimpse of Rey rushing to get a bite before she comes up to meet him.

An achingly familiar voice draws him away from the window.

“Hello, Ben.”

She’s eight years older but somehow still exactly as he remembers her, all thin sweater slipping off one shoulder and loose hair framing her face and a soft little smile on her lips. He’s seen her like this a thousand times, in memories and dreams that always leave him wanting.

“Rey,” he whispers, curling his hands around the back of a chair to anchor himself. The urge to wrap his arms around her, to sweep her off her feet and pick her up the way he used to, the way that never failed to make her laugh in delight, is overwhelming. “You look… the same. Beautiful, I mean,” he adds in a hurry before she can wonder whether that’s a good thing. “You look beautiful. That’s all.”

“Um, thanks. I like your hair,” Rey replies in kind as she steps into the room and shuts the door behind her. He resists the urge to run a hand through his hair self-consciously; he hasn’t worn it short-short since he was a teenager, grew it out to hide his ears even when they were together, but now it’s shorter than it ever was in college, only half of his ears hidden underneath black waves.

She used to run her hands through it absent-mindedly, coo at how soft it was and lament that there wasn’t more of it for her to braid. He wants nothing more than to feel her blunt nails scratching down his scalp again, her fingers tangled in his hair to hold him close.

“Sorry to make you come all the way up here,” Rey says as she takes a seat and motions for him to do the same. “It’s just… I know you and Leia still aren’t talking that much, and you never know where she’ll be during lunch hour. I thought this would be the safest option.”

Leia. Back in college she used to call his mom Mrs. Organa, and they’d met all of two times when Leia dropped by campus unannounced to confront him about the growing rift between them. Now she knows his mom well enough to be on a first-name basis, has probably spent more time with her in the past year than he has in the past decade.

Kylo slowly takes a seat opposite her. “Thanks. That’s… very considerate of you.”

Rey simply nods in acknowledgement, and they stare at each other across the wide conference table until–

“Why are you here, Ben?” she asks softly, no hint of hostility or frustration in her voice. Maybe the years have mellowed her out, maybe more than a decade of not having to fight for survival on a daily basis has drained her of the hardened, confrontational nature he remembers from their earliest interactions and allowed her true personality to emerge - the one he’d begun to see glimpses of during their last year together, the one he used to think he’d have the rest of his life to get to know.

“I…” he can’t help but drop his eyes down to the table, finds himself focusing on the way she fidgets with a bracelet around her wrist as he speaks. “I’m being promoted, next week. Snoke’s making me a partner.”

Her hand stops moving at the mention of his boss. “Oh. Um, congratulations,” Rey offers weakly.

Kylo forces himself to look at her. “Thanks. But… that’s why I’m here, basically. Snoke demands that all of us carry ourselves in a manner befitting of the firm’s reputation, which means no hidden skeletons or potential scandals. And now that he’s about to announce me as a partner…”

“You’re worried people out there might do some digging,” she fills in, nodding in comprehension.

There’s no need to talk about what exactly people might find, what kind of scandal they’d have on their hands. There’s only that one thing.

“Do you still have the login information?” he asks bluntly.

“I…” Rey pauses, and the slightest furrow emerges between her brows; he wants to lean across the table and smooth it out, wants to tuck her hair behind her ear and– “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I still remember everything. But um,” she gives him an apologetic smile, one marred by a wince. “I’m not that comfortable logging in here at work, so maybe…?”

Kylo nods. “Right, of course. I completely understand.”

“I’ll do it as soon as I get home, I promise,” she assures him. “Really, I should’ve done it years ago. It just… slipped my mind, I guess.” The casual shrug, the light tone – none of it is the least bit convincing. This isn’t the kind of thing that just slips your mind.

He plays along anyway, just as guilty as her of… whatever this is. Keeping a shrine to the past? Getting off to your own homemade porn? Holding on to memories of the happiest time in your life? “Yeah, same.”

Rey moves as if to get out of the chair, as if to leave, and he panics, grasps desperately at straws for something to say–

“How long are you in town for, by the way?” she asks, getting to her feet but making no move to leave.

“I… I don’t know,” Kylo realizes out loud. “I just packed a bag and hopped on a plane. Fuck, I haven’t even gotten a hotel.”

She studies him, head the slightest bit tilted to one side in suspicion. “Ben, did you fly all the way here just for this?”

He can’t exactly admit that his brain had short-circuited at even the slightest possibility of seeing her again, that he’d fly halfway across the damn world if it meant getting to be in the same room with her for five minutes. “No,” Kylo croaks, clears his throat and aims for nonchalance. “No, definitely not. That’d be… that’d be ridiculous. I just. Work’s about to change in a big way and I needed some time to myself, you know?”

Rey simply stares at him for the longest while. “Right,” she finally says. “Of course.” After a moment’s consideration, she adds, “This might be weird but we did part on good terms and all, and you just said you haven’t found a hotel yet so… I mean. I have a spare room. That you can stay in, if you’d like.”

It takes him a second too long to process what’s happening here, to understand that Rey is inviting him into her home for the night. “Yes!” he blurts out when it looks like she’s starting to regret the offer. “I mean, yes. I’d love to. If it’s okay with you.”

“I wouldn’t have offered otherwise,” Rey smiles. “So I’ll just send you the address and let you know when I’m home?”

“That sounds good,” Kylo nods, following her lead as she moves out of the room. “Thanks, by the way. I know this is all really unexpected and–”

She turns in the doorway, places a hand on his arm. “It’s no problem, Ben. Really, I don’t mind.”

It burns where she touches him, in the best way possible.

But Rey drops her hand as if she’s been singed, and quickly leads him out of the room and down the darkened hallway. “I’d walk you out, but then people might stop us to talk to me and who knows if they’ll recognize you.”

“It’s okay,” he says as they wait for the elevator. “I know my way around.” After all, he used to spend entire summers exploring this place as a child. “Hey, what happened to Skywalker, anyway? Why the name change?”

They get into the elevator and Rey presses two buttons – twelfth floor for her office, he can’t help but note. “Luke disappeared on some kind of soul-searching mission shortly after Leia retired from politics and came here to join him,” she explains. “So your m- so Leia said that if he was going to make her do all the work of running the company, she might as well make the company her own. Gave it a total overhaul, rebranded and everything.”

Twelfth floor, an automated voice chimes before he can voice the thought that that sounds entirely like something Leia would do.

“Well, this is me,” Rey says as the doors begin to slide open. “I’ll see you at home?”

It feels like a dream to hear her say that again after all these years. Rey realizes her slip-up the second she steps off the elevator, and her eyes grow wide as she frantically shakes her head. “I mean, at my home. Which you don’t share. Because you’ve never been there. Because we–”

Kylo smiles, braces one hand against the door while the other reaches out to finally, finally tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “See you later, Rey.”

Her eyes close when his fingers graze her jaw, and he thinks she even leans into his touch. But then there’s a voice from down the hall, an awfully familiar one, and their eyes meet in a moment of total panic.

“Rey, is that you? I was wondering where you’d gone! Would you like to have lunch together?”

Leia’s voice grows dangerously close.

“Go,” Rey urges, and Kylo turns his back on her to conceal himself while he frantically jabs at the button to close the doors.

He finds himself in a café five minutes away from Rey’s office for the rest of the afternoon, scrolling through Instagram and Twitter despite his better judgement.

But the way she said see you at home, the way she sighed and leaned into his hand–

At five, his walk down memory lane is abruptly cut short when his phone lights up with a text.

Leaving work now, home in twenty. Come over whenever.

Kylo makes himself sit still for another ten minutes, even if it’s the hardest thing he’s done in recent memory. And then he calls for an Uber and promptly gets stuck in traffic.

Rey opens the door nearly an hour later and laughs at the sight of his disgruntled face. “You called for a car, didn’t you?”

“Mistakes were made,” he acknowledges, stepping into her apartment. For a moment there it’s almost like he’s stepped back in time, like he’s walked into their old home again.

But her plants are in proper pots now, not chipped mugs and emptied-out jars of food with the labels still on them. And the furniture is significantly nicer, not a single piece rescued from the curb and given a total makeover. It still screams Rey though, at the very heart of it, and he instantly feels more comfortable here than he has anywhere else since they moved out.

“That’s why I bike everywhere,” Rey says as she closes the door behind them, oblivious to his reaction to her home. “Have you eaten? I was thinking of calling for Thai. There’s this great place–” her voice carries as she heads for the kitchen, and he follows her once he’s successfully snapped himself out of it.

“Thai sounds great,” he tells her, watching her retrieve the menu from a drawer stuffed to the brim with brightly colored flyers. The genie drawer, Rey used to call it back in their kitchen, even put up a nice little chalkboard label proclaiming it as such. Like so many other things about her, it had been both endearing and heartbreaking to see how excited she would get about something as mundane as being able to simply place a call and know for sure that your next meal was taken care of, that you wouldn’t have to starve that day.

They settle on their orders, and Rey heads into the living room to get her phone and make the call. He looks out her kitchen window while waiting for her, pictures her standing in this very spot every morning, quietly cradling a mug of tea in a stolen moment of peace before the day ahead. It’s what she used to do, at least, back when their kitchen was barely functional and the view from their window was just a dirty alley.

“Hey,” Rey says as she returns to the kitchen, and when he turns around she has her laptop in hand. “I thought we might as well get it done with, while we’re waiting for food to arrive,” she explains, her smile too tight and close-lipped to be anything but nervous.

“Good idea,” he nods, and moves away from the window to join Rey at the kitchen island. There are two small barstools tucked under one end, and he follows her lead when she slides into one and logs into her laptop.

Rey types in the URL. “So,” she says a little too loudly as they wait for the page to load. “Excited about your promotion?”

“Not really,” Kylo mumbles as thumbnails begin to pop up.

They’re… well, as explicit as you’d expect them to be. But nestled amidst all of that is the occasional image of them just wrapped up in each other, Rey’s arms around his neck and his hair falling forward to obscure them from view as they kiss.

And always, always the slightest hint of a smile on her barely-visible face. He’s beginning to forget what it felt like, to have Rey smile into a kiss. Because for all the tiny details that furnish his longing dreams, there are just as many that have started to slip through his fingers – and he hates it, hates the way each missing detail feels like a fresh cut over a barely-healed wound, hates that time is chipping away at his most precious memories, hates that they’ve been apart for so long, that they’ve been apart at all.

Kylo sighs. “What happened to us?” he murmurs unthinkingly, and from the corner of his eye he catches movement – a flinch?

“Life,” Rey says easily, suddenly fascinated by her own hands. “We went down different paths, grew apart… it happens. People change. You changed,” she shrugs.

She’s never said so before, ended their relationship with a casual looks like we’ll be going to opposite ends of the country, let’s keep in touch rather than any complaints about him changing. He inhales sharply, snaps his head up to look at her. “What do you mean I changed?” His voice is too sharp, too demanding and accusatory, but it’s too late to take it back now.

Rey looks him in the eye, doesn’t falter or hesitate as she confronts him. “When I met you, you said you’d never go into politics because you wanted to actually make a difference, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to do that from within the government,” she reminds him. “And then the next thing I knew, you were working with Snoke and defending the very people you used to rail against, the ones who stood in the way of the change you used to want.”

Kylo takes a deep breath, counts to ten and pays close attention to his tone before he speaks. “I grew up, Rey,” he tells her stiffly, evenly. “That boy – he was naïve and idealistic and he would’ve starved to death working pro bono for every sob story he came across,” or so Snoke has said a hundred times, whenever he feels Kylo is in need of a reminder and some gratitude. “Snoke saw my potential and rescued me from that.” It feels wrong to parrot his mentor’s words back at Rey, especially when he himself stopped believing in them a long time ago. But what else is there to say?

“He didn’t rescue you,” Rey spits bitterly. “He hollowed you out and destroyed everything that made you you! He stripped away your morals and your beliefs and filled the void with a fuckton of money to hide it from you.”

“I’m not– Rey, I’m still me!” He gets to his feet so abruptly that the force of it sends his stool skittering across the floor. “I’m still the same person you knew, I’m still the man who took a job he couldn’t care less about because I wanted a roof over our heads, because I wanted to give you everything–”

Rey shakes her head at him. “I never asked you for everything, Ben. I was happy with what we had, I was happy with you.”

What they had? What they had was a tiny apartment and a mountain of overdue bills and a barely-defined thing between them because Rey never asked for anything but she never let him ask for anything either, never agreed to a proper date or labels or anything real, anything that would have given him the power to hurt her.

“I wasn’t!” Kylo snaps, running a rough hand through his hair, tugging at a tangle in frustration. “God, how do you think I felt, Rey, knowing that other people were getting off to my girlfriend just so that we could pay rent? The things they said about you–”

“Hold on,” Rey stands up, raises a hand in protest. “I was never your girlfriend, we were just–”

“Just what, Rey?” he snarls. “Just living together? Sleeping together? Talking about our future together? I don’t know about you, sweetheart, but that sounds like a relationship to me.”

Rey’s breathing hard and glaring at him and out of nowhere it occurs to him that this is their first fight, that they dated for three years and have been broken up for eight but somehow this is the first time he’s ever raised his voice at her.

“The only reason,” she says slowly, deliberately, bites off each word with thinly-veiled anger and coats it in false calm, “we were living together was because neither of us could afford to pay rent separately. You said so yourself, when you suggested it.”

“For fuck’s sake, Rey,” he sighs, brings a hand up to pinch at the bridge of his nose where he can already feel a headache coming on. “Did you really think that was… I mean, come on. If all I wanted was a roommate, I would’ve just asked fucking Hux. He would’ve had a bigger budget. He would’ve had his share of the rent on time every month.”

And this cannot be news to Rey, but still uncertainty casts a shadow over her features as she asks, “Then why…?”

Kylo shakes his head, closes his eyes and runs a heavy hand down his face. “Because I wanted to be with you,” he whispers, something so obvious he’s always just assumed Rey – and the whole wide world, really – must’ve seen it from the very start. “Because I loved you.”

Rey makes a tiny sound – he can’t tell if she’s choking or gasping, not with the doorbell drowning her out so that all he can see is the way her lips part infinitesimally in shock.

“I’ll get it,” Kylo sighs when the bell rings again, reaching for the wallet in his back pocket. The fact that Rey doesn’t even react when normally she’d be fighting to split the bill makes him wonder if he’s broken her.

Did she really not know? How? God, the way he’d look at her, the way he’d hold her close and sigh her name – wasn’t any of it obvious enough? Wasn’t it written in big red letters across his forehead that he had been a fucking goner for her from the very start?

When he comes back into the kitchen, Rey is still standing in the exact same spot. He leaves her be, busies himself with taking plastic containers of food out of the bags and setting them out on her countertop.

“Ben?”

He turns around to find her hugging herself, arms wrapped around her waist and shoulders hunched in on herself so that she looks even tinier than usual, lost and scared and–

“Did you mean it? That you loved me back then?”

Kylo brings his hands behind his back, wedges them between his body and the kitchen counter to subdue the urge to cross the room and hold her. Rey stares at him unblinkingly, even as her arms grows tighter and she grows smaller, even as she sinks her nails into the soft flesh of her waist.

It hurts, to see her like this. Eight years and still all he wants is to always be there for her, to make her feel happy and safe all the time.

“I think I still do,” he admits quietly.

Rey makes that sound again – it’s a sob, he can hear it clearly now – and runs into his arms.

The food grows cold, forgotten on the countertop as they stumble into the living room.

After, snuggled up together on her tiny couch that’s so small she has to sprawl out on top of him rather than beside him, he gives voice to a dream he buried long ago.

“I thought I was going to marry you.”

Rey lifts her head from his chest, props herself up with her palms braced just above his shoulders. “What?”

“Back in college,” he explains, one hand drawing circles into her hip while the other brushes her hair out of her face. “Back when we… I’d look at you, sometimes, and out of nowhere I’d think, I’m going to marry her someday.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Rey asks gently, leaning in to brush the lightest of kisses against his lips.

“Didn’t want to scare you off, at first,” Kylo shrugs. “And then everything else happened so fast and we’d already made plans to move to opposite ends of the country. You know what’s crazy?” he asks, exhaling a short, bitter laugh. “Even then I thought we’d make it. I thought maybe I'd work with Snoke for a couple of years, save up enough for us to be okay while I looked for a better job where you were. Or maybe you'd hate it with my uncle and decide to fly out and find something closer to me. But then…”

But then there was talk of keeping in touch, a request to just text me once in a while, Ben, it won’t kill you to stay social, and with it came the heartbreaking realization that they weren’t anything worth holding on to, not to Rey.

He tears himself away from the memory. Just minutes ago she had hidden an endless string of I love yous in the crook of his neck, and that’s enough for him now. That has be to enough, because it’s already more than he’s ever dared to so much as daydream of.

“You never said anything,” Rey murmurs now, dropping her head back onto his chest. “I thought…”

“I wish I had,” he whispers into the silence, shifts slightly to nuzzle her temple.

Rey pushes against his chest, moves until they’re both sitting on the couch facing each other. “But…” she pauses, takes a deep breath as if to brace herself. “But things are different now, right? I mean, you’ve got everything you wanted now, what with the promotion and–”

He laughs bitterly, anguished enough for Rey to fall silent and stare at him wide-eyed. “Rey, you are everything I wanted. The rest was just… I don’t even know anymore,” he admits in defeat, can’t think of a single reason he left her behind for such a hollow life. “I hate it, all of it. I hate my job, I hate my apartment, I hate my life.”

She stares at him thoughtfully, nibbling on her bottom lip as she considers the situation at hand. The shirt he’d scooped up from the ground to drape around her shoulders is dangerously close to falling off as she shrugs and says, “Then quit.”

Oh, how he wants to. But – “And then what?”

Rey shuffles closer on her knees, climbs into his lap and plays with the hair at the nape of his neck. “Then come here,” she suggests easily. “Look for a job.” And then, after the slightest pause– “Marry me.”

His ears are ringing. He can’t possibly have heard that right, because Rey is still giving him that nonchalant look, still absentmindedly playing with his hair. “What?”

“That was your original plan, right?” Rey reminds him. “Quit after a few years with Snoke, move here to find a job, marry me someday,” she says it so softly, so lovingly, and in her eyes he sees all of it, sees that life he gave up on years ago. “I know it’s been a while, Ben, but… it’s not too late, if you still want it. If you still want us.”

“I– of course I still–” The idea that he might not is impossible to even wrap his head around. “But… Rey, are you serious? I know what I said, and I meant it, but you don’t have to… I mean, we can take it slow, if you want.” They’ve already wasted eight years, after all. What’s a few more so long as it means he gets to be with her, wife or not?

Rey shakes her head, surges up to kiss him all desperate and needy and so, so sure in her actions, her suggestions. “I’ve spent every single day of the last eight years,” she confesses against his lips, “trying to pretend that there isn’t a giant you-shaped hole in my life. So yes,” Rey gives him one last peck before she pulls away, “yes, I’m serious. Come back to me, Ben. It’ll be different this time, I promise.”

Her eyes are wide and earnest, and of course he knows exactly what she’s talking about, feels his heart get stuck in his throat at such a promise. “I feel like I should be the one asking to come back,” Kylo mumbles, thinking of how he left her behind all those years ago, of how much Rey has always hated being left behind and sure, this time it was different, it was just a day before she left for a new life of her own, but still. Maybe if he’d fought harder then, if he’d been willing to make sacrifices… “Feel like I should’ve been the one to ask you to marry me, too.”

“And you will,” Rey smiles, taking his words as a yes. “This isn’t a real proposal, Ben Solo,” she warns him playfully, jabs one finger at his chest. “You’re still going to have to gather up the nerve to ask me properly, some day. But for now... for now it’s a plan.”

She looks at him expectantly, as if there’s any world out there where he would say no to this. “It’s a good plan,” he tells her, pulls her in for a lingering kiss and rests his forehead against hers. “I like it.”

“Good,” Rey murmurs against his lips, and they don’t talk again for a good long while.

“We should probably still take those videos down though, right?” she asks the next morning, right after he hangs up on a puzzled Mitaka who’s still struggling to process his resignation.

Ben chucks his phone far, far away before Snoke can start to bombard him with calls and angry emails, pulls Rey into his arms and drags her back down under the covers. “I guess,” he sighs mournfully, dotting kisses along her bare shoulder.

“Babe,” Rey laughs, squirms in his arms when he focuses on a particularly ticklish spot under her ear and turns to face him. “You do realize that I have backup copies, right?”

He had not, in fact, realized that.

“God, I love you.”

Anything Reylo is usually soothing to my soul so I'm posting this in the hopes that at least some of you will enjoy this silly, tame take on the 'we were young and broke and needed the money, plus we were already having sex anyway so why not?' trope. (Seriously though, is that a trope? I don't know anymore.)

As always, I hope you guys enjoyed this even the tiniest bit. If you did, please don’t hesitate to like/reblog/leave a comment/scream at me in the tags.

I'm planning to participate in the Reylo AU Week happening later this month, so... see you guys then. In the meantime, thanks for reading!

#reylo #rey/ben solo #rey/kylo ren #kylo ren/rey #ben solo/rey #modern au #star wars #rey #ben solo #kylo ren #fic: a forever you and me #fic archive #my fics

[eldritchsurveys]

o47.

How is the day so far? >> The day was fine, I had a good time.

What about your sex life? >> My sex life is fine too, Can Calah keeps me pretty satisfied in that regard. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have sex with people again (between unresolved past trauma -- and none of that is from anyone I’m currently with, I promise -- body issues, sensory issues, increasingly stranger paraphilias, and low confidence in my ability to be a pleasing and overall good partner, I’m not a good candidate for anyone right now), but I also won’t discount it as a possibility.

What did you do when you woke up this morning? >> I don’t remember, actually. lmao...

How many sisters/brothers do you have? >> Five. One of them just found me on facebook and is like “can we exchange phone numbers” and internally I’m like “OH MY GOD WHAT YEAR IS IT can’t we just do this shit on Messenger wtfffff” ... she’s like 60 though, it can’t be helped. Old folks like phones. Unfortunately, I absolutely do not.

What was the last thing you consumed? >> Water.

When was the last time you wore high heels? >> I don’t remember.

Do you like myspace or facebook better? >> I liked MySpace a lot back in the day. Facebook is really dull-looking, pushy with its alerts and shit, and people argue too much.

What\'s your bf/gf doing? If you have one? >> Sparrow is asleep, Can Calah is just chillin in the cockpit, and Hallie’s talkin shit about astrological signs on his blog LMAOOOO :’D

Is there really no place like home? >> I don’t know. I guess?

What did you do yesterday? >> I went to Sparrow’s parents’ house with her for Father’s Day. Ate dinner, drank some fizzy cherry wine that had an unexpectedly high ABV for a damn wine, and mostly played Persona 3 Portable while everyone did their... family thing, or whatever. It was nice to sit outside and eat, though. I don’t get to do that much.

What are you doing right now? >> This. And also replying to Hallie’s posts every so often. Or posting crazy heart-emoji bitmoji for him lol.

Do you like Dairy Queen or Wendy\'s better? >> I like Wendy’s, but I also don’t really know what DQ’s food tastes like, so.

Have you ever held a tarantula? >> No, but I’d love to!

Do any of your friends have a birthday soon? >> I don’t know... maybe?

Can you remember the worst injury you\'ve had so far? >> Just cutting my face open.

Have you ever found the perfect solution to boredom? >> There is no perfect solution, because all boredom isn’t the same.

Are you bothered at the moment? >> No. But I just realised what time it is, so I’m going to have to finish this in the morning lmao omg -- AND I’M BACK

What's the last thing you drank? >> Water.

Who did you last speak to on the phone? >> I don’t remember.

Do you watch Boomerang? >> Nope.

Can you remember your favorite cartoon as a kid? What? >> The only cartoon I remember really enjoying was Johnny Bravo. That was also one of the very few I was allowed to watch in the first place.

Have you ever been to crazyshit.com? >> No.

Where are you right now? >> In my room.

Is your bf/gf taller than you? >> Sparrow is, Hallie isn’t, and Can Calah isn’t. Although he could be if he wanted to, but I think he’s just fine where he is.

When was the last time you were extremely upset? >> Extremely? Honestly the first thing I thought of was during and after Avengers: Infinity War. Anthony tried to make us leave the theater mid-movie multiple times and I had to fight him to stay in my seat (I can’t just leave the theater and leave Sparrow in there!!! that’s rude). We were just so fucking upset at that whole movie, it was a disaster and I hope to never feel that way in a theater again lmao I wanted to kill somebody. ... It’s weird the things I get extremely upset about, but also I think part of it was bleedover from Anthony, so it’s not entirely my fault.

Does your phone have a camera on it? >> Yeah.

Who all out of your immediate family smokes? >> I don’t know.

Do you google alot? >> Yeah.

Do you like incense or candles better? >> Incense.

Have you ever died your hair? >> Yeah.

Do you respect your parents? >> I mean, more or less? I respect the one that actually raised me, anyway.

What color are the bottoms your wearing? >> Grey.

Who's in the room with you? >> No one.

What's your bf/gf's name? >> Sparrow, Hallie, Can Calah.

Do you wear glasses? >> No.

What are some piercings you want? >> I don’t know, really. I think I’m okay with the ones I have.

Do you work well under pressure? >> It depends. Some pressure is productive, but most of the time I just get fed up and drop the whole thing. I’m very rebellious by nature, sometimes to my chagrin.

Do you like the beatles? >> Not really.

When did you last use the restroom? >> A couple hours ago.

Do you think too many people are obsessed with Twilight? >> No. Who cares? Let them live.

How long is your hair? Do you like it? >> Short. And yeah, it’s easier to maintain this way.

What do you miss most about last summer? >> I don’t miss anything about last summer.

Do you wear your up more often or down? >> My hair? It’s just the way it is.

What was the last reason you got excited? >> I remembered I’m going to see Rebirth Brass Band tomorrow night.

Have you ever had a favorite video game? >> I used to, when I played less of them. Now I play so many that it’s impossible to choose between them.

What is your last name? >> Deschain, for all intents and purposes.

Do you think you'll ever get married? >> Next year, apparently.

Do you know anyone who drinks the pickle juice from the jar? >> No.

Have you ever been to Mammoth Cave? >> No.

Do you have a best friend? >> No.

Have you ever stayed up more than 24 hours? >> I’ve stayed up over 4 days before.

What time is it right now? >> 2.38p EST.

What color are your best friends eyes? >> ---

Have you ever played any sports? >> I’ve tried to, but failed miserably.

Have you graduated high school yet? >> Yeah.

Do you have your own car? >> No.

Have you ever been in "true" love? >> Sure.

Who do you live with? >> Sparrow and her cat.

Do you wear foundation? >> No.

What's your favorite alcoholic drink? >> Absinthe.

Do you feel masturbation is a normal part of human nature? >> Yes.

Do you believe in God? >> Yes.

What color is your house? >> The apartment building is some shade of, like... beige or something.

Earrings or none? >> I wear them.

What's your favorite music genre(s)? >> I guess judging by the contents of my library, rock/metal.

What's do you like most about winter? Summer? >> I like snow and I like sun.

If you smoke, how much do you smoke a day? >> ---

Dogs or Cats? Why? >> I’m a dog person because I was raised with dogs. (My father hates cats.)

Do you use a vanity to get ready? >> No.

Name something crazy that's happened recently? >> Sparrow had a dream about Wednesday, lmfao. Folie à deux, man.

What kind of tooth paste do you use? >> Tom’s of Maine.

What KIND of shoes do you like best? >> I like combat boots and that kinda thing.

If you had to choose, would you have a snake or tarantula? >> That’s a really hard choice, considering I love both...

Do you have a trampoline? How long have you had it? >> I fuckin wish.

Do you like nature? >> Well, certainly.

#surveys #survey #random survey

[miasswier]

miasswier’s ultimate glee ranking: no 88

88: Pilot

Written by: Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuck, Ian Brennan Directed by: Ryan Murphy

Overall Thoughts: I have a love-hate relationship with this episode. Before it was announced that Darren would be on Glee, I was told by several family friends that they thought I would really like Glee. So, I gave it a try. The first time I watched the pilot I think I got… ten minutes in? I had to stop. I was so bored. A few months later I was recommended Glee again, and I though, well, that’s like four people now that have told me to watch this show – I should try again. So, I did. I got maybe fifteen minutes in. I just could. not. do it.

I only managed to finally watch this episode the whole way through after watching several other episodes that gave me more of a feel for what the show was actually like, and made me curious enough to actually stick the pilot out. Plus, my favourite actor was going to be on the show, and I needed to catch up. I think I’ve watched this episode all the way through a grand total of three times.

That being said, I didn’t actually mind it this time around. It does feel draggy at parts, but what pilot doesn’t? I felt very nostalgic watching it, especially since we got “2009”, which filled in a bunch of this episodes gaps. Finn’s stuff, especially, was fun to watch, albeit heart-wrenching. Honestly, I think nostalgia is part of why this episode is where it is on this list. If it weren’t for the nostalgia, it would probably be a lot lower. Plus, there’s some pretty funny parts.

What I Like:

They do a good job of introducing Rachel as an obnoxious character, but also creating sympathy for her. The MySpace scene in particular tugged at my heartstrings. The words she’s speaking are so annoying, but when you watch her read the mean comments it really makes you want to root for her. Lea Michele does an amazing job at saying so much with just a little frown.

“I’ll pee in a cup. I’ll pee.”

Finn <3 As much as it frustrates me that they had him start out by being a passive bully, they do a pretty good job of showing some good character development, even just within these 50 minutes. You can tell that Finn wants to be more than what he is. Also, I’ve always found it sweet how much he obviously cares for his mom. Even though the whole “Finn finds a father figure in Will” storyline pisses me off, at least they never tried to act like Finn’s mom wasn’t enough. It’s clear he loves her, respects her, and wants to do right by her.

Great foreshadowing on the Kurt/Finn crush storyline! This is the first time I’ve noticed, but when Finn first starts singing in “You’re the One That I Want” and Rachel looks over at him and smiles in interest, Kurt is doing the exact same thing. It’s cool that they obviously already knew where they were going with that story.

The introduction to Emma’s OCD. I like that this was introduced in the first episode, and wasn’t just dropped as the show continued.

Howard Bamboo. I really wish he’d been a bigger character on the show. He’s hilarious, and adorable.

This isn’t really something the show did on purpose, but I find it really funny that Sue says that Will is “blurring the lines” while “When I Get You Alone” plays in the background.

“There’s nothing ironic about show choir.”

“Being a part of something special makes you special.” Oh, right in the nostalgic feels.

What I Don’t Like:

Quite a bit actually.

First things first: it’s too long. It’s only about 5 minutes longer than a regular episode, but it feels eternal. So much of it just drags on, and on, and on. Ugh.

There is way too much focus on Will. You can obviously tell that Finn and Rachel are going to be the main teenage characters, but they really paint Will as the protagonist in this episode. Having seen the whole show, it’s clear that Rachel is the main protagonist of the show, and that starts to come out relatively early on. I wish that they’d made that more clear in the pilot. Also, I hate Will.

The way Terri was characterized always pissed me off. She’s almost more cartoony than Sue in how absolutely horrible she is. The dichotomy presented in this episode of “Terri – Bad; Emma – Good” is annoying. I get that she’s a terrible person, but did she have to be that terrible? I mean, aside from Will saying that “she used to be so full of joy” there’s no indication as to why he would be married to someone like Terri. Plus, the way that the show always tried to push the “Will needs to get away from Terri because she emasculates him” narrative has always bothered me, and that comes across from minute fucking one. Basically just the beginning of this shows weird obsession with masculinity and “what it means to be a man” or whatever.

Emma’s creepy crush on Will, and Ken’s creepy crush on Emma. Like, I get having a crush on someone, but the way both of them act around the people they’re crushing on is really weird. They’re adults, not teenagers. Yet, the way that Emma acts around Will is dangerously similar to the way that Rachel acts around Finn (even just in this episode). I don’t know if they were purposefully trying to parallel the Finn/Rachel and Will/Emma relationships, but it definitely comes across that way, and it’s pretty weird. As for Ken, he’s just pushy and licking Emma’s door handle was just gross and immature.

Sue’s characterization. You would not know from this episode that she’s being set up as the show’s main antagonist. Yeah, she’s not that nice about the Glee club, but neither is Ken. In fact, Ken comes across as more of an antagonist here than Sue does. I mean, come on, she’s got like two scenes in the whole episode. I feel like they didn’t really know what to do with her yet.

Puck and Quinn. I find the mean popular kids character so annoying, and Puck and Quinn are just ridiculously exaggerated. Puck especially is not characterized as someone who interests me, or who I want to root for. Watching this episode, I don’t care if he has character development. It’s kind of the same with Quinn. Unlike Rachel, the show doesn’t juxtapose their obnoxious behaviour with something that makes you want to cheer for them. They’re just straight up mean.

There’s actually a lot of offensive stuff in this episode – ableism, homophobia, transphobia, to name a few. I mean, it’s cool to see this and contrast it with the end of the show when these issues had been dealt with, but it’s still shocking to see Quinn calling Rachel “RuPaul”, or listen to Figgins refer to Artie as “a cripple”. Yikes.

Will instantly making it clear to the audience and to Rachel that she’s his favourite student. He literally tells her that she’s the best singer in there. I feel like this would be more acceptable if the show hadn’t become such an ensemble show. Within the episode it doesn’t seem too out of place, but when looked at in the context of the whole show it’s a pretty shitty move. Also, he goes out of his way to blackmail Finn just so that Rachel will stay in the club. That’s pretty ugly.

Will’s Spanish. “Que hace en tu verano pasado” literally translates to “What it did in your previous summer”. It should be “Que hiciste el verano pasado”. I know a lot of people might not catch this, but it’s kind of frustrating that they didn’t try and make sure he was using the correct verb tense. I mean, it foreshadows the Will being a bad Spanish teacher stuff in season 3, but at this point they want us to cheer for Will. The audience is supposed to want him to stay at McKinley. We’re supposed to think he’s a good teacher. Instead they show him butchering the language he teaches, purposefully showing favouritism towards a student, and blackmailing someone and giving him false hopes about a scholarship. Considering Will is the “hero” of the story, he really, really doesn’t come across very well.

Songs:

Respect: I wish we’d gotten this full song. Mercedes absolutely kills it. Also, it’s interesting watching this having watched “2009” – Mercedes is (rightfully) upset in “2009” about how Rachel gets the first solo, but hers is the first solo of the show. Sure, it’s not a complete solo, and “On My Own” is more fleshed out, but it’s still technically the first solo. It’s just cool how that turned out.

Mr. Cellophane: Same as above, I wish we’d gotten this full song. Not just because I like this song in and of itself, but because Kurt sounds really good singing it. Plus, the way he fixes his hair as he holds that note always makes me giggle.

I Kissed a Girl: I don’t like this song. I briefly did, when it was popular, but the first time I heard it after realizing I was bisexual made me very angry. That being said, I think the context for it is better here than in “I Kissed a Girl” (which I have a lot of issues with, but if you’ve read my review of that episode you already know that), and it does a good job of introducing Tina’s voice.

On My Own: Very emotional, and an amazing introduction to Rachel as a character. She sounds fantastic, and the montage, as mentioned above, really makes you want to cheer for her. I don’t particularly like the song in and of itself, but it still works really well as a character piece.

Sit Down You’re Rocking the Boat: Again, another song I’m not a particularly big fan of, but it’s still a pretty humorous sequence. I don’t think they sound as terrible as they seem to think they do. Artie sounds good, it displays his voice really well. It’s actually always confused me how Rachel insists on needing a male who can keep up with her vocally when Artie shows he’s a very powerful vocalist in this number.

I Can’t Fight This Feeling: While Finn sounds good in this song, it’s definitely not his strongest, and the fact that Will is listening to him in the shower (and doesn’t seem to realize how creepy that is) really puts a damper on the number as a whole.

You’re the One That I Want: Funny, and a pretty interesting way of introducing the love plot for Finn and Rachel. There’s not a lot of shows where the main couple start off with one half being blatantly, ridiculously obvious about their feelings, and the other half being totally terrified of how out there the first person is. While they basically ruined this by having them kiss in literally the next episode, it’s still a pretty original way of introducing Finchel, as a couple. Also, nostalgia.

Rehab: Watching this number, I don’t really understand why they’re all so freaked out. Yeah, VA is good, but a lot of that comes from the fact that they’re big. If you actually watch the choreography, it’s really not that complex. There’s a few cool moves, but nothing like some of their later stuff (I mean, let’s compare “Bohemian Rhapsody” to this number). There’s just a lot of them on stage. That’s it.

Leaving on a Jet Plane: Ugh. Not only is it boring, but we’re forced to watch Emma creepily draw a heart around Will’s picture in the yearbook like she’s some lovesick freshman in love with the senior football captain. Again, there’s a real high school feel to the way they portray Emma’s crush on Will. I know she’s inexperienced, but the audience doesn’t know that yet, and honestly, I know people just as inexperienced as Emma, and a lot younger than her too, that don’t act like smitten twelve year olds around their crush. It’s infantilizing, and kind of gross.

Don’t Stop Believing: This song and this scene is the highlight of the episode. I mean, DSB is what made Glee, Glee. It’s emotional, and it’s strong. Plus, after all these years, it has the nostalgia aspect. Definitely the strongest number of the episode.

Final Thoughts: Considering that the first season of Glee was so well received and liked, it has a really lukewarm start. It has some good, funny moments, but overall it’s draggy, and there’s way too much Will. Usually when I do Glee re-watches, I skip this one. It’s nice for the nostalgia of it all, and for a couple of funny lines, but that’s basically it.

#ultimate glee ranking

[bakugou-ou]

Ik I'm anon and all, but I don't wanna get off it because the embarrassment would probably make it worse. I'm just tired of life… mines is pretty useless if you ask me, and according to everyone else who if ever met, I'm ugly too, I wouldn't kill myself because I'm too much of a coward to do that, but I don't know what I wanna do with my life and I can never be happy without someone ruining it That's why you and other creators' story helps me, it makes me think about my dram life I'll never get

Listen, friendo, whoever you are, you’re not ugly, and not useless. You don’t need to come off anon if you don’t want to, I get it. This is gonna get v personal here in a sec, so I’m putting the rest of this down under a cut in case no one gives a shit about my personal life and doesn’t wanna see my tragic anime backstory, but I’m sharing it with you because you said that you like my writing. This is the story of how I ended up running this blog, it’s got lots of talk about suicide, mentions of rape. It’s not pretty, so read at your own risk. Also, it’s long.

When I was four years old, I tried to jump off the balcony of my apartment, I wanted to die. It wasn’t a kid doing a stupid thing, I literally thought if I fall from this height and hit my head on the ground, I will die and then went for it. I fell onto a 7ft tall cinder block mailbox on the way down, four feet below my balcony, crawled off of it, and walked back upstairs to my parents like nothing had happened. 

What was wrong that someone barely past toddlerhood wanted to kill themselves over? I don’t know, maybe it was just that my parents were fighting all the time and hated each other, maybe it was because I have the genes for it. More on that last bit later.

When I was six, I tried to throw myself in front of a car, thinking that if a small child like myself got hit by a car going 25+ mph, I’d die. The driver hit the brakes, I played it off like I’d tripped into the road, no one knew how I really felt. When I’d told my parents I wanted to die, they thought I was being dramatic, they didn’t think a kid my age even knew what that meant, the finality of it. But I knew, and I craved it.

When I was eight, I tried to hang myself in my older sister’s bedroom with her sheets. She found me, took me down before I blacked out, and we never spoke about it again after that night. I was pissed with my sister for saving me, I cried and punched her as she held onto me.

When I was twelve, I tried to eat a bottle of Xanax, thinking it would kill me. It didn’t, it just made me really, really fucking sick. Not sick enough to go to the hospital, but very sick. I had no lasting organ damage, but I still wanted to die.

When I was fourteen, my boyfriend dumped me over the phone on a day he was supposed to come to my house, and ignored me while I cried. He had me on speaker phone, actually, and his friends were laughing about it and I could hear them. I could hear him laughing along with them. So, I decided to eat a bottle of asprin for dinner a couple of weeks later. I was stupid, it didn’t work, and I was hospitalized in the mental ward for 2 weeks.

When I was seventeen, I had just left an abusive relationship, graduated high school, and my mom told me that my ex raping me repeatedly for 9 months was my fault and that I was asking for it by continuing to date him the whole time. I was too scared to leave, I had been told by a counselor at school that no one would believe me. I tried to eat all of my antidepressants. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks in the mental ward.

When I was eighteen, I tried to do that same thing again, in conjunction to another thing my mom said about my abuser. My cousin had been raped while studying abroad, and she was talking about poor cousin, your poor cousin, it’s so traumatic, but when I mentioned that I’d been abused for three quarters of a year and no one batted an eye, she told me I was being selfish, and that my time for being the victim was over. How dare I detract from my cousin. So, again, I tried to eat a bottle of pills. I was hospitalized for one week in the psych ward.

Earlier this year, at the age of twenty, I was hospitalized because I felt like I was going to slit my wrists if I stayed home. So I checked myself into the hospital. I was there for a week while my doctor tried to find better meds for me because clearly mine weren’t working. My mom had told me that she was ashamed of my sexuality and my gender identity, and the rape issue came up again, with her saying I wanted it, that I let it happen.

I have bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, OCD, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and selective eating disorder. A lot is messed up with me. I get the anxiety from my mother, and the bipolar II from my father. The PTSD was a gift from my ex boyfriend, and the rest I just ended up with.

When I was a little kid, I loved books; my father read all sorts of books to me, all the time. Artemis Fowl was the first series we read, then Harry Potter, then my mother read me the Chronicles of Narnia, then my father read me A Series of Unfortunate Events. We also read other books, things that weren’t series. I loved reading, and I wanted to write things that made people feel the way I felt about the stuff I read. 

Both of my parents are naturally talented writers. At the age of six, I began to write fan fiction for Harry Potter. I was way too young to be on the internet, but I was online writing fanfics on snitchseeker. Some of the only validation I found in my life was from random strangers on the internet, encouraging me to continue writing and complimenting my plot lines, even if my grammar and spelling were atrocious; on the internet, no one knows you’re a little kid writing Drarry fanfic.

I was a really athletic kid, so I didn’t spend all my time writing, but a good chunk of my free time was spent writing if I wasn’t surfing, playing soccer, or skateboarding. I didn’t have a lot of friends, I wasn’t likable, apparently, and I had a really hard time in school. I got into a lot of fights because people picked on me, but I was always the one who got in trouble for defending myself. It pissed me off. I developed issues with authority. I wrote in composition books to escape all the crap around me.

By the time I turned 11, writing was my life. I had just moved to California from Hawaii, my life was basically turned upside down, and I was miserable. So, I made a myspace account, wrote fanfic on there, and threw myself headlong into it. I have a fanfiction.net account I’ve long since forgotten my username and password for, but it’s out there with dramione fanfic, sasusaku, things that I liked at the time. I need to escape everything happening around me. My dad, my best friend, wasn’t anywhere near me, my mom was a bitch, and my demented grandmother moved in with us. It was miserable.

By the time I was 15, the only hobby I had outside of practicing for orchestra, was writing. I laid in bed on days off and just sat on my laptop, writing. I stopped publishing things after I got a mean comment once, my first one ever. It bruised the ego I didn’t even have so badly that I refused to publish anything for three years.

When I was 18, I published my first fanfic in 4 years. It was a Criminal Minds fanfic, featuring an OC and Spencer Reid. I was so fucking proud of it, and while lots of people loved it, a lot of people said mean shit. So, I posted Loki fanfic, which got infinitely more love, and then I did an alternate version of my Criminal Minds fic, that one got even more hate than the original. Then I published a Wallander fanfic. I haven’t touched them in 3 years, despite people asking me for more.

Up until this time last month, I never showed my writing to anyone. I kept everything to myself, hidden, I was ashamed of it. It is my only coping mechanism, but I couldn’t share it with anyone. My parents had my computer passwords up until I was about 16, sometimes they’d look through my text files and come to me later and tell me how amazing my writing was, and encourage me to publish it. But I never believed them.

On a whim, I started this blog; I love Boku no Hero Academia, it has given me something to look forward to every week. I live Chapter to Chapter, episode to episode, I track my time with it, it’s a coping mechanism. I saw that there was a decently active fandom on here, and I wanted to be a part of it. I hesitated on making the blog for a few weeks, thinking that no one would want to read my writing.

A month later, there are nearly 600 people here, constantly asking me to write scenarios and headcanons for them, telling me they love my writing, and think I’m a nice person, and that they’re glad I’m here. Every time I get a message like that, I cry. I never thought anyone would ever care about my writing, let alone write it. When I got a single follower that wasn’t a friend I know in real life, I cried. I was so excited. When I got my first request, I was so, so excited. When people began sending more stuff in, when people started talking to me and wanting to be friends, I cried. I’ve made a dozen friends on here as a direct result of their writing, and my writing.

I love running this blog, and I love writing for everyone. I have felt useless and like a waste of space my entire life, I’ve been told that my entire life, I’m made to feel like that every day of my life even now by the people around me, save for my friends, but when I log on here, I’m reminded that hey, maybe I’m not useless. If I manage to make even one person happy with what I do, that’s all I want.

So, you saying that my writing helps you, helps me. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to make other people happy, to please them, and my writing is apparently doing that. I’m really, really lucky to be in this position.

Even if you don’t have something like this, you’re not useless. You should be here. I know you said you’d never kill yourself because you’re too cowardly, but I’ve never seen suicide as cowardly, but that’s probably because I’ve tried to do it so many times. I’ve made a total of 8 attempts in 21 years. I don’t think I’ll be trying it again, though. It’s taken me 21 years to find something that I’m kind of maybe a little good at, that makes me even a tiny bit happy, and that does some good for other people, too.

Shit sucks, life is really awful, and I completely understand the plethora of reasons any given person would feel like wanting to die. I’ve never thought it unreasonable or dramatic to feel that way, it’s just how some people feel. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until 3 years ago, and even now I’m unsure if it’s really what I want to do with my life. I’ve got a lot going on behind the scenes that makes me feel like shite, and a lot of the time, the people around me try to ruin what little I have that I enjoy and that makes me happy…

Even with all that happening, somehow, I’m still here, and I’m writing this. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I get your feelings, I hear you, they’re valid, and I love you, stranger. Because I feel the same way as you all the time. This blog is my escape from that. It’s really the only thing I have keeping me from my intrusive thoughts.

If you never come off anon, that’s fine, but if you need to talk about things, I’m here for you, or anyone else who needs it. Really, if I can even try to help, I’ll do my damnedest to help. I hate seeing other people feeling as junk as I do on a daily basis, I want to try and make it better. If being a friend, even if I don’t know who you are, helps, I want to help. If writing things helps, I want to do it. But, for me, it’s not just helping other people, it’s helping myself. You coming into the box helped me. So, you’re not useless. You’re keeping me here, too.

#anon #not a request #chiichat #admin post #tw suicide #tw rape #read at your own risk

[antepenultimatefantasy]

FFXII Zodiac Age Playthrough Part 7

Local Viera discovers one weird trick to stop aging! Doctors hate her! 

-On the way to Mt. Bur-Omisace, Ashe and Basch reflect on how they would really rather not ally with the empire for the shame of it all, but saving their people from war and death far outweighs their pride.

-Basch has hope for the future and looks on as Vaan, Penelo, and Larsa playfully bicker.

-Does everyone like adopt these kids in their head when they meet them?

-In the empire, two judges talk of how Vayne would be harder to topple than the senate thinks.

-Another judge joins the conversation reminding them that Vayne took two of his brothers lives, and that maybe he's not the best person to look up to.

-Apparently, Gramis found these two guilty as traitors, so Vayne's killing of them was justified, one maintains.

-The judges are summoned to meet with Vayne, who has just arrived in Archades

-The judge who is wary of Vayne, Drace, talks with her colleague about how Larsa is headed to But-Omisace and how that will give the empire time to shore up their defenses against a Rozarrian invasion.

-Even though the senate thinks so, Larsa is no puppet, she says, and Gabranth (the other judge she's talking to) says that that will make the senate turn against him. They agree to protect him.

-Somehow, Gabranth manages not to mention that he would totally kill Basch in this conversation.

-Back with the 99% (and Larsa), the team arrives in a deep jungle.

-Unforch, there are barriers everywhere. Fran says that the jungle is denying them passage and it's her fault.

-She and Balthier head in a different direction, where she casts a cool spell that creates a path into the distance. It's to a Viera village.

-Fran's not exactly welcome there though.

-Fran tells Vaan to look for Mjrn and bring her to her.

-She also tells him to lend her one of the vowels in his name, because Mjrn really needs one.

-The Eruyt Village is basically like Rivendell.

-Its inhabitants want exactly zero things to do with Vaan.

-This includes their leader, Jote, who is very evasive about Vaan seeing Mjrn.

-Fran appears saying that the voice of the woods has told her that Mjrn's not at the village.

-Jote says that the voice of the woods is also saying where she is, but Fran can't hear it because she left the village.

-Viera who leave are no longer Viera.

-That's...not how biology works.

-Jote tells them that Mjrn headed west and walks among iron-clad men.

-It's like a Tinder bio.

-Fran says that staying in the village isn't the only choice Viera have.

-Jote says that she heard those same words 50 years ago.

-Hmmm....

-As the team leaves the village, Balthier congratulates Vaan on some good negotiating and wonders where Mjrn could be.

-Larsa says that it's probably the Henne Mines.

-Then, the most legendary FFXII moment happens.

-Vaan brings up how Jote said that Fran told her that same thing 50 years ago, then asks how old she is.

-Silence.

-Penelo facepalms.

-Ashe pretends to text.

-Basch is wondering if protecting Dalmasca is really worth this.

-Larsa becomes very interested in his sleeve ruffles.

-Balthier's soul momentarily leaves his body.

-Fran has, in these five seconds, imagined 47 unique ways to make sure Vaan's twinky ass never sees the light of day again, but ever graceful, she turns heel and leaves.

-The rest of the party does as well, very unimpressed.

-This is like, Tidus fake laughing in FFX level of embarrassment.  

-I love it.

-Back in the Ozmone Plain, the group comes across a wounded imperial and gives him a potion.

-He lets us use his chocobo and tells the team to stay away from the Henne Mines.

-Being good listeners, they head directly there.

-Outside the mines, corpses of imperials and Draklor Laboratories researcher lie strewn about.

-The corpse of Vaan's self-esteem is there too, after what he said to Fran.

-Deep within the mines, Larsa comments on how Henne is much like Lhusu, and the imperials will need the magicite if the #resistance blocks them from Bhujerba.

-There's another dead imperial and Mjrn comes wandering out.

-Girl's drunk.

-Then she calls Ashe a "power-needy Hume" and stumbles away.

-Wig. Snatched.

-The team follows after her and runs into a giant dragon that totally ignores her, but does not like anyone else.

-Aw, she just wanted to get tipsy alone with her dragon friend, but stupid power-needy Humes keep on getting in the way.

-It was self care.

-After the team defeats the dragon, Mjrn reappears holding a nethicite stone. She drops it and it breaks, showing a creepy shadow demon thing behind her that evaporates in the air.

-She's all better.

-Later, she explains that she wanted to investigate the Hume soldiers going through the woods, so she came to the mines but was caught. They placed the stone next to her so that the mist would be drawn within her, and the last thing she remembers is the light of the stone.

-Also, she's Fran's sister. Aw.

-Fran says that she experienced the same thing on the Leviathan before it blew up because Viera are particularly sensitive to mist.

-Larsa never realized how dangerous nethicite was and takes the stone he gave Penelo.

-Ashe says that dangerous things have a place too.

-Ashe is basically Daenerys.

-Back in the Eruyt Village, Jote gives Vaan a means to pass through the barrier.

-Mjrn tells Jote that Ivalice is changing and the Viera shouldn't just hide in the trees while it does. She intends to leave the village.

-Fran dissuades her because the freedom comes at the high price of solitude and exile.

-She tells Mjrn to forget she ever existed.

-Geez, this is really heavy.

-Mrjn runs away and Jote apologizes to Fran for making her do that.

-Fran asks Jote to listen to the Wood's voice to see if she hates.

-Jote says that the Wood misses her, but Fran calls that a "pleasant lie."

-Also, they're sisters too.

-Deeper in the jungle, the team comes across a nice lush mound.

-Nope. Mound dragon.

-When the team defeats it, it turns into an actual mound.

-The team finally exits the jungle, to enter...a snowy mountain?

-Geography?

-Ivalice explain!

-Also, this is where refugees go?

-That's pretty metal.

-Balthier says that while the empire parades around, refugees are walking barefoot through the snow.

-Larsa responds saying that's why he's getting his father to choose peace.

-Or...they could move the refuge to, like, the beach.  

-Balthier says that you can never know anyone, not even your father.

-Okay, first of all? Daddy issuesTM.

-Second? That's a myspace tagline, B.

-In Archades, Vayne and Gramis talk about silencing the senate.

-Like, killing them?

-They banter about the difference between vengeance and necessity, but conclude by saying if they don't do anything their house will fall.

-Plus Vayne's already murdered tons of people, so might as well keep to it so Larsa doesn't have to.

-I'm not sure that's sound logic...

-Back at Bur-Omisace, the team comes up to the Gran Kiltias.

-He is not moving and his eyes are closed.

-Is this Weekend at Bernie's?

-Vaan asks if he's sleeping, and without actually talking, he answers that he's dreaming.

-He dreams because reality and illusion are two parts of a whole, and dreaming helps him find the truth.

-Whatever, we get it. You're vegan and do yoga.

-He says that he has seen Ashe's dream of restoring Dalmasca.

-Larsa asks him to give her his blessing then.

-Just then, a cool guy with sunglasses strolls in and asks her to reconsider. He also condescendingly pats Larsa on the head.

-Watch out, Balthier. You have coolest-guy-in-the-room competition.

-He is the frenemy Larsa wanted to introduce to Ashe. His name is Al-Cid Margrace, of the Margrace family that rules the Rozarrian empire.

-Anastasis says that both Larsa and Al-Cid dream of no war.

-Ashe says that she came all this way to make peace and she does not want to reconsider.

-Al-Cid reminds her that she is still reported dead, and her reappearance would complicate things, not because she's powerless because other circumstances have changes.

-Larsa says that he could convince his father for peace if Ashe extends her hand.

-Unfortunately, Gramis is rather recently dead.

-In Archades, two senators are being taken away protesting that there is no reason they could have killed the Emperor.

-Inside the Emperor's chambers, the leader of the senate is dead along with the Emperor. Vayne says that the senate was conspiring against him, and now he has taken autocratic rule.

-Or, as Palpatine says, "I am the senate!"

-Drace is not here for this. It's obvious to her that Vayne is lying and created the whole situation.

-You and me both, Drace.

-She draws her sword to place her under arrest, but another Judge, Bergan, says that it was the law itself which made Vayne Emperor.

-Then he just fucking one handed picks her up by the face and tosses her aside.

-Okay, she's wearing a huge suit of armor. Bergan's got gunz.

-Obviously steroids, says Drace.

-Vayne tells Zargabaath to collect Larsa, but Gabranth says that Larsa was under his charge.

-Vayne says that he shouldn't have been and then asks Gabranth to execute Drace to prove his loyalty, because she has been tried and found guilty.

-She tells him to do it and to protect Larsa. He asks her to forgive him.

-Well, damn. Drace was the best one. Now we're left with Fratricidal Gabranth and Frat Bro Bergan.

-Though Gabranth is getting better, I guess.

-Back at Bur-Omisace, Al-Cid explains that now that Vayne is the Emperor, he's basically just going to blow everything up. His fleet's pretty much ready to go.

-Ashe then returns to the Gran Kiltias and is like, "forget being Queen. How can I too blow everything up?"

-At this, Anastasis opens his eyes and actually talks, saying that seeking such power is something only Humes would do.

-I don't know, have you seen Moogles?

-He tells her to go to the Stilshrine of Miriam to seek a sword that can cut nethicite, which also belonged to the Dynast-King.

-Off the team goes (except a shocked Larsa), and Anastasis cryptically says that his dream is also fading to day.

-That's it for this section!

The only exchange that matters:

Vaan: "I was wondering - what Jote said, you know? About how you said the same thing 50 years ago? Fran: "Your point?" Vaan: "How old were you again?" *longest silence* *Fran leaves* Balthier: "Nice, Vaan." Larsa: "Surprisingly rude." Penelo: "Try to grow up, please."

#ffxii the zodiac age #final fantasy #vaan #penelo #ashe #balthier #basch #fran #playthrough

[hayleybaaaby-blog]

because I really haven't taken a survey in years - I miss MySpace bulletin board or whatever, lmao.

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
• I'm not sure, honestly. I was in a severely abusive relationship for well over 4 years, ending in January when he was incarcerated for brutally beating me, raping me, & attacking me, all with our two children present. Our 5 year anniversary would be in a few days, the 28th. 😐 Truthfully, I don't know if I'm stronger, but I definitely know that I'll never tolerate anything like that again. Never. 2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?
• being abused over & over again, physically, emotionally, sexually. All in front of my children. I feel pathetic, weak, & disgusted with myself to have kept taking him back.. 3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?
• uh, well. I don't know. I feel trapped in the house I live in with my parents & 2 kids, but that's because of what Luis did to me in my very bedroom - on my bed - and in my kitchen + living room. I feel HAPPIEST at the park or library with the kiddos. Or outside in general. 4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?
• outside with my kids, walking up the dirt driveway. 🌞 5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?
• my kids' father. He's made me the MESS I am today.. 6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
• I can't just name one thing. I hate my mental health issues (severe anxiety, depression, & ADHD), dealing with constant migraines, the fact that I don't have a car, & the way I'm constantly beating myself up about everything. 7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?
• hmm. Take my kiddos to an amusement park or somewhere fun for kiddos. 🌸 8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?
• none. 😂 they're all awful tbh. The only one I kinda like is the 1980's. 9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?
• my children, of course 👩‍👧‍👦 I birthed them, ya know 🤰🏼 But aside from my kiddos, I guess my mother. We butt heads a lot, but she's a very strong & motivated person. My sis & I used to be close.... it hurts. 10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?
• no one, shit I hardly know myself. 🙅🏼 11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?
• how they grew inside of me, came from my body, love me unconditionally, & NEVER want to leave my side. 💘 if y'all can't tell who I'm talking about, that'd be my 2 darling babies. 💜💙💗 12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?
• as a youngin', I wanted to be a teacher. Then as I got a lil older, I desired to be a Psychologist. But then I fell pregnant with Miranda & only took one semester in college.. 13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?
• honestly not sure. 14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?
• oh, who doesn't love compliments. They're brighten your spirit. Especially seeing as I suffered years of being told that I'm bad looking 🙄 but I'm also extremely self-conscious & awkward when I receive a compliment, so 🙈 tis the anxiety. 15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?
• I guess non-physical? I like how understanding and caring I am. I tend to care too much, tho. 16. What is your favorite attribute about yourself?
• I'm caring. 17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?
• I've literally just said that 😂😂 18. Do you believe in love at first sight?
• I used to believe that anything was possible, until I met a monster who destroyed all my positivity. 19. Do you believe in soul mates?
• don't think so. 20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?
• I don't really check them lol. 21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?
• true, blindly, awful love: once. Puppy love: twice. 22. What makes you fall in love with someone?
• everything.... 💔 23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?
• vulnerability just perfectly describe me currently. I'm fairly low in my emotions, so yeah. My kids' dad is who always made me feel that way. Also heartbreak, being betrayed, & embarrassment make me feel like that. 24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?
• ain't nothing to scary to ask a man 🤔😬 25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?
• nothing lol I have no desire to be a man. 😳 26. What do you find most attractive about each sex? * men would be probably their eyes, smile, hands, arms, build. women would be their hair, eyes, smile, passion, body. 27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?
• psychology. 28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?
• take my kids to the beach. 🌊☀️🏊🏼‍♀️🚣🏽‍♀️ I've been before, a handful of times in my childhood & teenager years, but not since I was 17 with my mother, my ex (their dad), & a few other people. I would be so incredibly happy to take my babies to the beach, lie out in the sand & tan while we build sand castles & then take off running to the water to swim 💙🙌🖤 Another thing I'd love to do is go on a cruise. I want to travel the world someday, also. I want to rock climb. Attempt to surf or ski. 🏄🏼‍♀️⛸⛷ Even like to try to ride a horse. 🏇🏼 I want to take self-defense classes 🥋🥊🤼‍♀️ that'll protect me & my kids once my ex does get released. I ALWAYS wanted to learn how to play the piano or keyboard 🎹 I wanted to learn to ACTUALLY dance, take dance lessons & also I'm OBSESSED with gymnastics. But since I'm in my twenties, I'll settle for asking my babygirl to join gymnastics 🤸🏽‍♀️ & just maybe, she'll become an Olympian 🥇🎖🏅 hehe. I played softball for 7 years. I hope so much that my kiddos are athletic 😄😅 29. Why haven’t you done it yet?
• because that's A LOT of stuff, & I don't have the 💵💰💸 for all that. Kids are expensive lil creatures, ya know. 🤑 but so worth it. 🙌💕 30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?
• I definitely would love to go into Photography. 🖤📸🎥📱 honestly, I want to be a Psychologist & earn my PhD, but that's so many years in school. With two kids, that's going to be fairly difficult when my main focus & top priority is them. I dunno. I have even considered nursing because it's only 2 years in school, fair pair, good insurance, & different hours. 31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?
• I don't have a job currently. Just a stay-at-home mama. It's 7:35am. I've done nothing but stay up all night, lying on the couch, playing on my phone or tablet. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ I'll regret it later 🤦🏼‍♀️😅 32. What was the last thing that made you cry?
• some dude. Talking about how I need to get over what Luis did to me because it's "in the past" && how I'm not a perfect mother basically. Here's this: Eff You 🤔🖕 33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
• my son. 💙 his smile & laughter are contagious 👶🏽 34. What is your favorite memory?
• the first time I held each of my child, most definitely. 💓 also, the first time I ever breastfed them, kissed them, & pretty much all of the good memories with them. 😍😭 35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?
• I'm VERY easily embarrassed, like it's terrible. So, there's no telling. Everything literally bothers or embarrasses me. #anxietyproblems 36. What is your biggest fear?
• losing my children. death. my ex. 37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?
• yes, I have 2 very big ones. The first regret I have is taking Luis back AFTER I left him for around 2.5 months. I was newly pregnant with Leonardo, like maybe 3 months pregnant but had only just found out a few weeks before. He attacked me, and I called my dad. Left him & only took Miranda to see him during daytime in broad daylight, never was alone with him for too long, & did not spend the night. The second regret I have is letting him come in my window the morning he intended on killing me.. 38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?
• of course I have. I've been arrested before 🤦🏼‍♀️🙅🏼 All to protect my piece of shit ex because HE ditched my car while drunk. It taught me a valuable lesson, though. I didn't drink after that & still don't. He, on the other hand, didn't learn anything. I ended up with obstruction of justice charges & underaged possession 🙎🏼 I had 100 hours of fucking community service!!! Had to even take an AA class & driving class EVEN after they found out I wasn't driving. Oh, & the magistrate wanted to lock me up for 10 days to "teach" me a lesson about lying to authority 😭 39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done? * stay with my ex. 40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?
• sure would. would give me anxiety, but some people need their day brightened. 41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)? * yup sure would. 42. What’s your favorite joke? * I'm not sure . 43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
• can I be both & neither 😂 I love animals, but all of my babies have passed away. I used to have a ferret, who passed in December. She was my girl 🌝🌚 miss my Loca Luna. 🐾 44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
• a cat 🐱 45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?
• Jerry Springer & Maury 🙈🙊 46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?
• like Angelica from the Rugrats 👧🏼 47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?
• when I was like 18 & pregnant. Everything was so new & exciting. I loved my ex with all of my heart, too. So blind. 48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?
• that women have the right to their own bodies. & that borders are imaginary lines that were only created after this country was stolen from the indigenous people.. 49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?
• I'm a single mommy who's been through hell & back but am surviving && thriving 💋 50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?
• a vehicle ..

#survey

[crilbyte]

Confession time

1. Who hurt you the most? My first boyfriend. I've never recovered from that relationship. 2. Who have you hurt the most? Probably my husband. 3. Who do you miss the most? I really miss my grandmother. I never really knew her, her having died while changing my diaper over 20 years ago, but I have felt her absence my whole life. She's the only other writer in my family and from stories I know that she and I are very similar minded... And I miss her for it. 4. Who do you want out of your life the most? Honestly... I don't think there is someone. 5. Who had the biggest positive impact on you? Two people, my best friend and my kelpie. They saved me from myself. (and what everyone else had told me to think of myself) 6. Who had the biggest negative impact on you? My first boyfriend. 7. Who do you wish you could be honest with? I'm a pretty open book, but I guess I wish I could be honest with my mother about my religious practices. 8. Who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings towards? Oh man. I have a lot of this. I am a lustful person. Mostly friends. 9. Who would the world be better off without? Hmm.... Dunno 10. Who do you wish you’d treated differently? Uhhhhh... Maybe my husband. It would have helped a lot of our issues. 11. What was the worst day of your life? Probably when I learned my grandpa died. 12. What’s your greatest fear? Aging. Death and dying. The absence of existence. 13. What’s your biggest insecurity? I wish I was more in shape. Maybe? I'm pretty happy with myself. 14. What’s your biggest regret? I don't regret DOING things. The past stays in the past. I regret NOT doing things. Missed opportunities. 15. Describe your ideal world. A world where I can be as hedonistic as I please. 16. Describe your personal hell. Im living it #emo #myspace. No but uh I dunno? Working a job I hate…leading a life I hate…ending up alone…lmao 17. What’s a hopeless dream you’re still holding on to? One day living my Kelpie and Calypso life. 18. What’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been? I'm not exactly sure. I get embarrassed a lot but nothing super memorable comes to mind. 19. What’s the angriest you’ve ever been? I got so angry when I was young that I had to start doing to anger management. I would hold in anger until it burst forth. I remember being so angry once that I wanted to hold the flat iron I was using to my mother's face, and it scared me so much I immediately lost all my anger and just cried. 20. What’s the saddest you’ve ever been? Well, I have Dysthymia and anxiety so... It's an ever-changing fact. 21. What’s the most scared you’ve ever been? Probably the time I almost suffocated. (I've almost drowned like 3 times but I've never felt panic like that before the strangulation) 22. What’s the most hopeless you’ve ever felt? About a two years ago, before my Dysthymia was diagnosed. I remember feeling so disconnected that I didn't feel like existing, but wasn't suicidal. 23. What’s the most frantic you’ve ever felt? Probably after trying to clean up traces of my past mistakes. 24. What’s the bravest you’ve ever felt? Probably when I performed a solo song in high school. 25. What’s the best case scenario for your future? Have a few kids. I'm actually really worried that I'll have trouble with it, bit seriously, babies. I want babies. 26. What’s the worst case scenario for you future? Divorced and not self sufficient. 27. What’s the most physical pain you’ve ever felt? Combo of my Endometriosis and my Migraines. worst pain ever. 28. What’s the most emotional pain you’ve ever felt? Realizing I was in love with someone I couldn't have. 29. Describe a time you felt like a hypocrite. I am both not jealous at all and also extremely possessive. 30. Describe a time you felt like a traitor. I definitely have betrayed people but I've never felt like a traitor. 31. Describe a time you felt like a hero. Once after saving my brother from choking. 32. Describe a time you felt inhuman. I have a hard time with disassociation and also wonder about possibly having BPD for my lack of guilt. 33. Describe a time you felt like a failure. I feel like a failure when it covers to a lot of adult things. 34. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? It's a secret. (｡> ω･｡) 35. What are you proudest of? I'm quite proud of my writing and photography. 36. What’s your relationship with your family like? Pretty damn good, actually. 37. What’s your relationship with religion like? I was raised Christan and then went atheist, then agnostic, then what my friend called "Minaism" at time which was a kind of Schrodingers cat of religion. Now I am some kind of pagan. 38. Talk about someone you’ve lost. I've lost a lot of people to death, but they don't bother me as much. I understand that they are gone and there's nothing that I can do about that. It's the ones that are still out there that get me the most. 39. Talk about someone who abandoned you. I could only really say that I've been abandoned once, a friend who just decided that they were going to cut all contact with me without telling me why. 40. Talk about a desire you have that scares you. I have a strong desire to just wholeheartedly embrace my hedonistic side. It's very self destructive and dangerous. I've walked that path before and while it is a LOT of fun, it's also very bad. 41. What’s something you wish you were capable of? I really wish I wasn't so paranoid and anxious. Every little thing makes me scared that I'm going to lose everything, that my husband will be mad at me, or the like. It's all in my head and I don't know how to help get over it. 42. What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of? I'm scared that I'm capable of being wholeheartedly the darker persona I know I harbor inside myself. The cold, selfish, self indulging hedonist. 43. Describe the kind of life you wish you’d been born into. I just wish my parents hadn't been so poor. It would have helped them and my, and maybe saved their marriage. 44. Describe your worst heartbreak. The last drive home from my midnight trips to the beach. 45. Describe your worst disappointment. I'd say it's probably that I never really learned Japanese. 46. Have you ever taken a fall for someone? I try not to. 47. Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you? Oh, I'm sure 48. Have you ever done serious physical harm to someone? I've hit my share of nuts 49. Have you ever done serious emotional harm to someone? Not intentionally, but that doesn't mean I haven't. I most certainly have. 50. Have you ever self-harmed? Not due to emotional stress. I do have Dermatillomania, so I scratch at myself constantly and tend to cut myself with scissors when I scrape at my skin. 51. Have you ever attempted suicide? I plead the 5th 52. Have you ever stolen something? Lol, oh yes. I was a bit of a klepto when I younger. I stole books mostly. 53. Have you ever cheated on someone? Uh... Yeah. 54. Have you ever been cheated on? Not to my knowledge. 55. Have you ever taken revenge on someone? Yeah. 56. Have you ever seriously considered killing somone? A long time ago. 57. Have you ever betrayed someone who trusted you? Yes. By a close friend. 58. Have you ever experienced something supernatural or unexplainable? Yes. The most supernatural experience is probably when I was very young. It was the first time I almost drowned. I was at a local pond with the daycare I was in and had gone out past the buoys and couldn't keep above water. I remember jumping up and down only to get barely high enough for little gulps of air. I waved at the ladies who was watching us but they just laughed. A little after that I remember someone pulling me from the water, but my eyes were too blurry to see who it was. When I finally caught my breath and cleared my eyes there was no one there. The place didn't have a lifeguard or anything of the sort, and the only adults there were the women from the daycare. I never found out who or what it was. But they saved my life that day.

#mine #rant #conversations #confessions

[blessingsareallaround-blog]

My High School Story

High school. Everyone’s high school experience is different. For some people it is the time of their lives and they want to relive it over and over, for others they pass by, having friends, attending classes and enjoying their daily lives but not loving not hating just cursing in the middle, then there a few that their daily struggle is to attend school knowing that torment is awaiting, the day after day grind wanting every moment to be finished, ready to start a new adventure. At this point some people leave, gets jobs or apprentices, start studying something different, or they spiral.

For me I was in the last category, the first year’s, maybe grade 8 and 9 weren't too bad. I had some friends and yea was dealing with the normal issues of teenage girl drama. Low self-esteem, skins issue, and certainly no confidence, but all in all school was not terrible.

This changed in year 10, social media was on a rise, not quiet the technology that we have in today’s society our addiction at the time was msn messenger and myspace, two social media platforms that no longer exist or are used very little.

It started when I fell out with a few friends, the game of torment began. I actually think they enjoyed just being mean, but you know the strange part is looking back I don’t think they even thought they were. I legitimately think that, they thought they were just being funny and instead made my life absolutely horrible.

It started with snide remarks, pushing the hall you know all the general stuff and then it got worse. Year 10 and 11 were all the simple just annoying and chipping down remarks day after day. Enough to make you cry after each day of school but only because during the day they had broken my wall down to rubble. I would rebuild my wall over night and go back attend the next day. I started to studying a childcare course at TAFE just so I could get away from them for a afternoon each week and this was my relief. The time I longer for, I enjoyed learning but at school everything was I touched, every room I entered was this dark cloud.

I didn’t realize how much I was affected but I changed OP classes so that I wouldn’t be with them. Subjects that I really wanted to do like law I didn’t do as with only one subject I didn’t dare to put myself in harm’s way anymore and instead I signed up for classes like OP PE-physical education- I know this probably doesn’t sound terrible, but if you knew me back then. Running 50 meters was like death, I actually thought I was going to die, and I decided to do both physical education subjects because there was no way they would be in it.

I started university in year 12 and dropped TAFE it wasn’t because I knew what I wanted to do when I left school, but it was because it gave me more time away from it. With the excuse of university, I left school 3 out of 5 days and found this my new sanctuary.

Like most high school students struggling with anything I didn’t tell my parents, didn’t ask for help, didn’t reach out. My parents found out I was having trouble when a petition went not only around my school but other local schools in the area, saying that I was slut. People who I had never met, never spoken with, never had any contact with at all were signing to say that I was some sort of huge whore. I had no friends at school, no boyfriend and certainly not sleeping around, I wasn’t getting good grades for the little school that I was actually attending, I was chubby and full of acne and now I was a slut in the eyes of students all over Brisbane.

I went home that night and it was the first time I seriously tried to hurt myself. I had been doing little self-harm for a while but that night I tired hanging, cutting and did a lot of googling and then when I couldn’t bring myself to do anything really bad all the words I had been called for years, useless, waste of space, pathetic, coward, why don’t you just kill yourself came flowing back. I started for the first time really believing all the things that they had said. I went back and looked at all the messages on social media that I had been sent and have never felt worse.

The next few months were horrible. Hated each and everyday cried in the toilets more times in a day then the words that I spoke. I was lucky in a way though. I had a friend that I use to catch the bus with home. He was a not in my grade and I don’t think he had any idea what was happening at school which was how I liked it. I can honestly say without him giving me some hope on a daily basis I don’t think I would be here today. He had save my life more times than I can count by simply cheering me up on the way home. My biggest mistake and regret to this day is letting that friendship go.

I focused on work and I somehow graduated school. I didn’t go formal and it is still something that I slightly regret, I would have hated the people that would have been there but the experience of dressing up, feeling amazing and having the rights of passage taken away is somewhere that I will never be able to get back.

It’s amazing looking back at how much that time in high school, taught me, made me grow and really sculptured the person that I am today. It sounds weird to say it out loud and I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone, but I also wouldn’t change it. If I didn’t go through what I had, would I be the person I am today? Would I stop on the side of the road to help someone broken down? Give blankets to the homeless in winter? Work with children to make sure their confidence is sky rocking so if they ever go through anything like this in their lives that they will be able to come out of it? I don’t know.

If you are ever going though anything like this, at school in your work place, speak up, you don’t deserve it and anything that someone else says about you is only true if you believe it. I don’t know you, but I know that everyone has the ability to, be kind, to make different choices even if they don’t have a good track record of them. Believe in yourself and never give up!

#bullying

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #217

“roses are red, and my heart is black. we creep about the floor to indulge like rats.”

Do you know anyone who works in a laboratory? No. What was the very first social media site you signed up for? MySpace. Can you see yourself marrying your current partner? (if you have a partner) Easily. If you were in a coma, who would be making healthcare decisions for you? My mom. Are you the type of person who knows exactly what they want in life? Not entirely, but mostly. Do you have commitment issues? Not at all. What was the last thing you had an allergic reaction to? Silver. Have you gone out to dinner in the past week? No. What’s something you’ve done that sounds too crazy to be true? The only thing I think someone would actually find "crazy" would be I've been in a psychiatric hospital five or six times (I seriously can't remember). Are there any flowers planted outside your house? No. Well, not by us. There's a camellia tree by our back door that we didn't plant. What’s the weirdest decoration you’ve seen in someone else’s home? I'unno. I generally don't find decorations strange. Spice up your house with what you like. Did you have your own bathroom when you were growing up? No. Do you know anyone who never disciplines their children? I know of people. What’s the longest you’ve gone without leaving the house? Weeks. Are you more of a practical thinker, or more of an imaginative thinker? I think I can be on either end depending on the situation. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does. How well do you know your neighbors? I've never interacted with the ones to the right of us, but Mom knows the woman to the left, and she's apparently very nice. Mom was talking about her just the other day about how she always brings our trash can back to the fence, actually. How far are you into the book you’re currently reading? N/A Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? I don't believe so, at least not permanently. Do any of your exes know each other? Jason and Juan did. Girt and Jason know each other because of me; we all hung out a few times. It's both funny and sad now to know how friendzoned Girt was... ha ha. Sorry man. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? "Dinosaurs didn't exist." What the fuck are fossils then, bitch. What was the very first election you voted in? I haven't voted in any yet. Do you know how to make omelettes? No. I could probably figure it out, but I don't know for sure. What is your favorite summer month? Fuck summer. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? One of the witches from Hocus Pocus would be super cool, but yeah, I don't have the money to even try to make a costume. Do you have a desk in your room? If so, do you use it as a desk that you sit and work at? No. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? Yes. I love my Metallica one. It's got a really cool design. Would you ever want to live in a home with all-white walls and furniture? "Not white furniture, no. That seems like it’d be a pain to keep clean." <<< Definitely. Do you have pajama days often? I'm literally always in pjs unless I have to leave the house and get out of the car. There's no point in changing otherwise; I'd just be creating more laundry. What is one thing you’re behind on? Instead of the usual "life in general" answer, I'll make it more interesting. RP. Jesus fucking holy Christ, I am over a year behind in SO MUCH because I just haven't had motivation, all the while plots have grown like mad. Thank god my partners are really damn patient, lol. And/or have other business, too. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. I HATE moving/changing shit. Do you share a room with anyone? No. Who was your first roommate? Jason, Jacob, and Amanda. What season do you want to get married in? AUTUMN!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frosting: chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate. Ice cream: chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla. Milkshake: chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate, more often. Do you drink protein shakes? EW that shit mad gross. What was the last type of candy you ate? Uhhhh what was it. I don't have candy a lot now, so uh... I think Airheads? What was the last craft project you completed? It was VERY weakly a "craft," but Sara's first Valentine's Day present. Which is better: starting things or finishing them? Finishing. I start things all the damn time and never finish them. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Good question. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Hm. I liked a lot. We had a whole case of different ones. I suppose maybe the Spyro one I could never get far into. But I liked it anyway because yeah. Spyro. What was your favorite Backstreet Boys song? "The Call" probably tops the list, but also you're full of shit if you thought "Larger Than Life" wasn't a fuckin BANGER. Damn, "The Shape of My Heart" was great, too. BSB were/are just great, man. Did you ever wonder what it felt like to get slimed? Ha ha you mean like on Nickelodeon? Yup. Did you ever name a pet after an imaginary friend? I never had one. Do you believe in angels and demons? I don't know. I believe in spirits, but I don't know about actual angels and demons. Do you have a PayPal account? No. What race do you consider yourself? ... You can "consider" yourself a race? You don't get to pick that. Whatever, I'm Caucasian. Should unwanted animals in shelters be killed to make room? Fuck that shit. Should cows be killed for human food? See, this is why I want to return to vegetarianism. TECHNICALLY, no. It's murder upon a conscious, feeling, living being. But at the same time, humans are designed as omnivores, and surviving off of a plant-based diet is, sadly, extremely difficult. It's difficult to obtain the proper nutrients and their advised amounts to be healthy. Therefore, I can't confidently answer this question. I wish they didn't have to be, but human civilization would have an incredibly more difficult time continuing with all meat products removed for consumption. Does the technique used to kill an animal matter to you? I mean if I KNEW, yes, but at least from the research I've done, there's no real "humane" method used to kill livestock. Most live in awful conditions/are already unhealthy, too, and that should matter . Should farmers be allowed to cause suffering in animals to save money? Fuck off. Should production of medicines be justification to cause animals to suffer? No. We neeeeeeed to find other ways. Use pedophiles or some shit. Should violence against animals; such as rodeos/ bullfights be legal? Fuck to the hell no. I get some kind of dark pleasure out of hearing about shitheads being gored and stuff for it, honestly. Should homosexuals be allowed to work with children? This shit pisses me the fuck off. Of course they should be. Like I'm sorry, but your children aren't going to be hidden from them forever. Do you believe homosexuality is caused by genetics? Well yeah. You don't get to choose your sexuality; something has to be responsible. Are Americans are truly free, or suffering from controlled freedom? CONTROLLED FREEDOM JFC TRY TO DENY IT. Are there other countries that offer more personal freedoms? Not that I KNOW of. Like yeah, my above answer clearly states I think America could be better, but I don't know I place where it's actually better. Do you trust your government? Fuck no. They hide a lot of shit. Should religious beliefs outweigh science in the making of laws? Lolololololol no, hunny. Separation of church and state. What is one moment that you missed out on that you wished you didn’t? Hm. OH, that solar eclipse that happened I think last year? We saw nothing here. :< Do you or have you ever had braces? For a long time. Got them on, then didn't have the money to take them off for a while. Can you text? Yeah, but not quickly. I am - usually - very thankful for autocorrect. Have you ever had a nervous breakdown? OH BOY HAVE I!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you scared to death of? My mom dying, for one. I DO NOT know what would happen to me. Are you good at art? I'm told so at least; I'm aware I'm at least decent. It also depends on the art form. Are you afraid of needles? Nah. What TV show is the stupidest to you? I honestly had a really big problem (and have, if it's still even on) with the Teen Mom series. Yes, I do in fact believe it made looking like one cooler and more normal than it is. Do you hate being ignored? Yes; I start to think I'm not cared about, badly. Especially if it's family or "friends." Like no, I don't at all expect attention constantly, or even a lot of it, but I think it's only natural people who claim they love you should not pretend they don't know you, particularly when you actually reach out. THEN it hurts. Where do you currently live? North Carolina, please get me out. Do you like marijuana? I wouldn't know. Do you donate to charity? I can't. I seriously don't have money. Where is your favorite place to go out to eat? Olive Garden. What is your favorite TV station? Discovery. Do you think you’re clever? No. Did you wear socks today? No. I avoid wearing socks as much as I can. Know any magic tricks? I don't remember the ones I learned as a kid. Do you sleep well most nights? No. When’s the last time you baked a cake? Never. What’s your preferred frozen snack? Ice cream, yum. Do you work better in a clean or messy environment? CLEAN. It inspires me to do well and with an organized strategy. Do you know any vegans? I don't believe so. Earphones or headphones? I personally prefer earphones since they go into the ear and are just more comfortable than a weight on your head that can move easier. Do you like bananas? Yeah, but the timespan in which I enjoy them is short. They have to be "perfect." What’s a film you’ve seen that confused you? I know there are some, but none are coming to me curr- WAIT NO okay so I saw Warcraft when it came out into theaters, and I barely understood a single thing because the orcs' voices were way too deep. I need to rewatch it with subtitles. Do you ever wear black lipstick? I pretty much always do if I wear lipstick. What would you change about yourself appearance-wise? HEY can I Please fix my fucking weight??? Because I do like everything I can do already & nothing works??? :') How long do you normally spend in the shower? Just short of ten minutes, I think. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it say or what would the graphic be? *opens novel of ideas* Don't make me pick just one. When trick-or-treating as a kid, was there any kind of candy that you didn’t like to get? Tootsie rolls, ew. What is your favorite memory of Christmases past? The time my mom, sisters, and I went to a Christmas light show one night, and we got back to the car only to realize Mom left the keys in there. Sooo while we waited for my drunk dad and brother to come help us, we all chilled on the car's hood with chocolate covered peanuts and THE best hot chocolate. That place is no longer around, and I'll forever be mad tilted about it. What is the most outrageous thing you’ve done for God? Lmfao remember the days I denied evolution and gay rights? Them were the wild times. When you were in grade school, what did you want to be when you grew up? Why? First, paleontologist because I adored (and still adore) dinosaurs, then a vet as I wanted to help animals. In high school, it changed from movie director to game designer. Name the most famous person you’ve had a face to face encounter with. No one. If you could spend 15 minutes with any living person, who would it be and why? Um like have y'all ever heard of this guy named Mark Edward Fischbach because I have time to enlighten you of all the reasons- What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? Pj pants, lmao. Who was your hero when you were a child, and what did you do to be like them? Steve Irwin. I adore animals in general, push very firmly for conservation, and madly support proper education of wildlife, especially your local kinds. How did you learn to ride a bicycle? I had a bike with training wheels at first, then my dad took them off and would jog alongside me, holding the bars and then releasing them after a few moments for me to go on my own. Repeated 'til I got it! Based on something you’ve already done, how might you make it into the Guinness Book of World Records? This is going to be VERY embarrassing to share, but fuck it. I have so little reason to leave my bed that my legs have actually experienced muscle atrophy. My knees especially are extremely prone to awful pain when standing or walking. I don't really have a way to exercise in this tiny house, my road is too sketchy to walk along, and at least this time of year, I physically can't handle the heat if I was to walk in the back yard. I'm dying to go somewhere where I can swim to fix this shit. I could ramble on forever about how painful it is to be on my feet. I'd be happy enough with even just a treadmill. When was the last time you did something for the first time? What was it? Hm. I guess foreplay with a girl. I don't exactly experience new things much. What is your concept of a fruitful day? Actually doing productive shit. If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be? Violence. What is your best personal characteristic? I am like, incredibly passionate. If I believe in something, you'll know. If I love something, it's to an insane degree. If you had to enter a competition for the “Most Uselessly Unique Talent,” what would your talent be? Being able to hide my thumb under my palm to where it looks like it's entirely non-existent lmao. What is your worst personality characteristic? I am VERY sensitive. I also have a hard time taking criticism without beating my ass up because I feel like I did something "bad." I don't get defensive, I just get hurt. Man, I could go on. There's a lot I don't like about myself. If you had to be a teacher of something, what would you teach? I'd be most interested in teaching science. How would you like to be remembered? I loved ferociously and spoke strong of peace. What is one thing that you constantly think about (other than material things)? The future. Does your country have free healthcare? *points at top five list of things America needs to fucking fix* Does your job allow visible tattoos? N/A How is your road rage? I drive so timidly and rarely that I don't think I really even have a clue. Who are your closest friends and how did you meet them? I'll exclude Sara as she's more than "a close friend." I don't have many close friends otherwise tho, so really... I think only Girt applies. We met in high school band. Well, then there's Alex, but considering she now acts like I don't exist as well, I don't know how close we really are. But anyway, we met in WoW because we were both camping the time-lost protodrake and talking w/ others in the general chat... but she and I really clicked. That was an awesome day. Started some damn adventures with her lmao. Are you still cool with any of your exes? The only two who may still have a problem with me are Jason and Tyler, but I have no bad feelings towards them. What Hogwarts House are you in? I took quizzes once for a survey because I was curious, but I couldn't answer most of the ones I found bc they had HP references I didn't get. But anyway, I think Hufflepuff and Gryffindor were pretty much tied. What’s the next special event in your life? Returning to school. :') Whose birthday is coming up soon? My nephew's. :''''') Do you delete people from Facebook if their views are vastly different than yours? It depends on the views and their severity. Usually I can handle averse opinions if you're actually a friendly person and composed and mature about what you believe and how you express that. What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? Cream cheese. What’s the most important key on your key ring? I only have one, and that's to my house. What was the last argument you got in about and who was it with? AHAHAHAAHAHA okay so. There was a video on FB of a pet meerkat having its belly rubbed, and it was chirping happily. It was very cute, but especially because this video was on a big page, I commented how awful and unhealthy of an idea it is to have a pet meerkat for both it and yourself. It's illegal in a lot of places for good reason. I got a lot of agreement, but of course there was one imbecile who disagreed enough to tell me to shut the fuck up. Now I am normally very, very terrified of confrontation or even the HINT of it, but for once in my life I couldn't have been more unfazed. At what age did you start picking out your own outfits? I don't know. I've come to find via surveys that I can't really remember events by ages. How spicy do you like your food? Pretty spicy. Spicier than most like, but I don't enjoy it when it's just pure pain. What was the last really intense pain you felt? You know that awwwfuuuulll pinch of pain you sometimes get in your ribs when your lungs expand to a certain, small amount? That. I couldn't take deep breaths for anything. What is the best thing that’s ever happened to you? Recovery from the breakup. What are three things you have been a victim of? Uhhhh. Idk, nothing major. What is your passion? Wildlife conservation, probably more than anything. When was the last time you truly felt alive? Ha, good question. How many siblings do you have? Technically six, but I don't know one at all. Are you married? No. Are you dating someone? Yeah. If not, do you wish you were dating someone? N/A Do you want an indoor or outdoor wedding? I'm not sure. What states (or countries) have you lived in? Just one. Does your first crush know you liked them? No. Do you wish on stars? Nope. Are you happier now than you were 10 years ago? I don't know. I can't really remember exactly what I was like at 13. I think I'm maybe happier now? Are you happier now than you were 5 years ago? Yes. ^If not, why not? N/A ^If yes, why? My depression is under control. Do you live in your dream house? Definitely not. What was your first job? Sales clerk at GameStop. ^Did you like it? No, thanks to feral social anxiety. Have you been bullied? No, very thankfully. What do you wish people knew about you? I sincerely care about my loved ones, a lot, even though I have trouble being the one to reach out first. What health issues do you have? A lot. Don't even feel like putting them all together. Do you still cross paths with your first crush ever? No. What is your favorite Bible verse, and why? None. Do you have a secret nobody knows? Yes. It's nothing major, just little things I don't want to share. Who are some of the most selfish people you have ever met? I don't know. Is there anyone you want back in your life? Yes. What color was the house you grew up in? True shit, I somehow don't remember for sure. I think it was brick? What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Charcoal, a cat, was the first pet I had a serious, deep bond with. Do you receive more insults or compliments? Compliments, I guess. Do you meditate? No. Do you pray? No. Have you ever seen a spirit/ghost/shadowy figure, etc.? I've sure as hell seen something. What would you ask a genie for, if you had three wishes? World peace, end of disease, and the end of poverty. When someone messages you and you know it’s going to be rude, do you ignore it and not read it, or do you read it and reply? Honestly, most of the time, I ignore it. I am so, SO sensitive, so my feelings are super easily hurt by what others have to say. Do you find online drama stressful? Yes. Even more than irl drama because you have to wait painstakingly for them to reply, and you can't hear their tone of voice. How stressful is your life? I'm pretty damn stressed for someone who's trapped inside their house lmao. Was any of your home decor inspired by Pinterest? No. Do you do yoga? No. What is something you have tried and hated? Oral is NOT my jazz. Do you have regrets? Yeah. Are you mad at someone? No. What is this month’s calendar picture? I don't have a calendar. What is your last ex-boyfriend’s or ex-girlfriend’s name? Technically Donald. Do you have an ex-friend that you miss? Yep. What color do you want your wedding dress to be? Most likely black. Would you rather go out for pancakes or steak? Pancakes. I like them more in general, and I'm also suuuper picky with steak. What’s your favorite Ramen noodle flavor? The only kind I've ever liked is the Yakisoba brand of spicy chicken. How do you feel when you read the Bible, if you read it? Encouraged? Angry? I don’t read it. Have you ever suffered from anxiety? I had some anxieties as a little kid, and I was officially diagnosed with it in the 6th grade. Have you ever suffered from depression? Since the 7th grade. What is something a lot of people like but you don’t? Pie is what came to mind first. What’s an uplifting song you like to listen to? "High Hopes" by P!ATD. Think about the person you fell hardest for. Why do you think your feelings for this person were so strong? How is he/she different compared to everyone else you’ve had feelings for? Well, he was my first real love. They're always special. I was fucking crazy for him, and it grew to an unhealthy degree. Trust me, you can love too much. He made me happy when so few could back then, and we had a connection unprecedented in my whole life. He himself felt like my home. I could write you a goddamn novel on why I felt so strongly. Have you ever caught your friend cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend? If you have, what did you do about it? If you haven’t, what do you think you would do? No. Quite honestly, I'd tell them. I could NOT keep that a secret. Whether they believe me or not, I'm not withholding that from them. When your last relationship ended, how long was it before you felt ready to think about being with someone else? I know this technically sounds bad, but Sara and I started dating the day after I broke up with him. One of the reasons we split is because I realized I liked her. It was so quick because I never had to "move on;" I never came to be truly interested in him romantically. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to sleep last night? Do you remember what you talked about? Sara and I were texting, but I don't remember about what. When are you at your happiest? When I'm with Sara. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. I don't really remember if I ever kissed Girt. How many of those people are you still friends with? Two. Where did you go, the last time you left your house? Mom and I went to multiple places. She had errands to run. Do you like your singing voice? Rarely. I think it fits only a few songs. Are most silences awkward for you? UH-HUH UH-HUH. Name someone you wish you had never met. Why? Jabari. He was scary and almost assaulted someone in my family. Who has the nicest singing voice, that you know personally? Probably Sara. Say something nice about someone you really don’t care for: He loves his kids to death. Ever won school awards? Yes. Do you drink more soda than anything else? Not anymore, thankfully. Do you curse a lot? I curse possibly more than anyone you know. Have you ever been in a courtroom? Yes. Do you eat a lot around Thanksgiving? No. I actually don't like 99% of Thanksgiving food. Were you a chubby child? No. Are you afraid to sing in front of people? Yes. Do you enjoy your family? Yeah. When did you last dance with someone? I forced Sara to last June lmao. Do you feel awkward watching sex scenes? VERY. Did you ever have senior photos done? No. Are your parents protective of you? Mom is for sure. I don't see my father much, and he's changed a LOT since the divorce, so I can't really answer for him. I know he is to some degree, I just don't know how much. Have you ever been bullied? I've had some mean shit said to me, but I don't believe I've ever really been consistently "bullied." Do you ever help decorate during the holidays? No. I just don't have the motivation and don't really care enough to put things up that're only coming down in two months. Do you have carpeted floors? Only my room and my sis's old one. Can you count to ten in another language? German, yeah. Have you ever been arrested? No. Do you always lock your door at night? Yeah. Do you get allowance? No, never did. Do you have a Facebook? Yes. Do you enjoy the presence of children? In most cases, no.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

[sending-the-message]

About Two Psychopaths by skyebluescars

You might think it’s silly, but I knew in third grade that Amanda was going to be my best friend for life. We were inseparable. I was standing in line waiting to play a game at Showbiz Pizza and Amanda let me cut in front of her. Afterward, we spent the rest of the afternoon laughing and playing in the ball pit. I was excited to find out that we went to the same school. Every day we’d eat lunch together and she seemed content to talk about whatever I wanted to talk about. You know, as I sit here and write this out, I can’t help but miss those days.

For almost seven years we had never had so much as a single argument. That all changed when I asked a boy in my math class if he’d like to join me for coffee after school. I don’t know if it was jealousy or maybe just that she didn’t like the guy, but from that day on it was all but impossible to go longer than a few days at a time without Amanda criticizing me for being with Kevin. In retrospect, I wish I had never talked to the guy, but hindsight is 20/20 ya know?

One thing was clear to me from the beginning; Kevin hated Amanda and Amanda hated Kevin. I felt like I was this object on a pedestal that each of them seemed to be fighting for. This all came to a head when Kevin thought it was be a good idea to prank Amanda and it resulted in a trip to the hospital. The final tally left me with a fractured skull, a rather disfiguring scar that stretched from my brow to my hairline, and minor brain damage. Also, I have to take seizure meds for the rest of my life. Mistake or not, that basically killed any feelings I might have had for Kevin.

I was more than just angry, I was devastated. I was going to be a model and an actress. All of that crushed by a boy who had seen one too many movies and thought school pranks were a good idea. Amanda was ready to kill him. Every day she’d offer some new and exciting way in which she’d destroy him. At first I told her to drop it, but as the wounds healed and the scar became more prominent, I finally told her to do whatever she wanted as long as she stopped talking about it. That was a mistake.

Not going to lie, when Kevin paid some kid to bring me a note, I almost thought it was sweet. I might have read two sentences before Amanda ripped it out of my hands and said, “Does that little shit think he’s gonna get away with this?” I should have spoken up but honestly I was conflicted about how to proceed and honestly the thought of Amanda going off on him made me smile. I suppose that’s why I said yes when she invited me to the Fall Formal. I knew something was going to go down, but I wasn’t sure what.

I’ve read both of their accounts of what happened. If you haven’t guess by now, both of them are full of it. Kevin sold Ketamine, pot, and pills. When we were dating, it wasn’t uncommon for him to gift me a joint every now and then. I watched Kevin put the powder in the punch bowl. That’s why I told Amanda to go get the school security officer. I even opted to dance with him while she waited. I could tell it upset Amanda that I sent her away while dancing with Kevin, but someone needed to keep him busy. I don’t know who he was going to try and leave with that night, but there’s only one reason you’d put that much Ketamine in someone else’s drink.

Amanda came back with drinks and I watched Kevin nervously drink from the cup. He was guilty and he knew it. Amanda had brought me water, I don’t wanna think about what might have happened if I hadn’t seen him dose the punch bowl. I took Amanda’s hand and led her out of the gym just as the school security officer came to grab Kevin. A chaperone was already emptying the punch bowl. Three kids ended up in the hospital. That wasn’t a prank, Kevin was going to end up hurting someone. I suppose that’s when it first clicked in my head that there was something very wrong with Kevin. On the surface he was very articulate and charismatic, but underneath that was a darkness than scared me.

The next three years were a dream. Amanda went back to being happy and cheerful all the time. We got into the same college and she even snagged us jobs at a local used book store. There’s something to be said for spending four to five hours a day with your best friend and getting paid for it. Each night I’d empty the register and tally up sales before putting all but a hundred dollars in the deposit bag and running it to the bank two blocks away.

One night I headed out to drop off the deposit bag when Kevin came out from behind me. He was drunk or high or something. I don’t know. What I do know is that he was shouting at me and he said something about me setting him up with the cops. I tried to hand him the deposit bag hoping he’d go away and the creep tried to hold my hand. I had never been happier to see Amanda than when she ran up and kicked him in the junk before emptying a can of pepper spray into his eyes. She led me by my hand back into the store and we let the cops deal with him. I would have been content never to see Kevin again, but Amanda had other plans.

I don’t like social media. I mean, I had a Myspace but it was all drama all the time. With the exception of Twitter, I don’t do the whole social networking thing. Apparently, Amanda had made a Facebook account in my name and even added most of our friends from high school. She had even set her main account and my account as being in a relationship. I thought it was weird, but in almost fifteen years of being friend she’d never so much as made a pass at me so I figured it was probably harmless.

Little did I know that she was catfishing Kevin using my pictures and pretending to be me via instant message. One day I was feeling particularly down and she invited me to join her for a walk through the city park. I wasn’t in the mood for it, but she assured me that it was just what I needed to feel great again. Turns out Amanda had set it up so that Kevin would be there waiting for me. It wasn’t enough that I never wanted to see the guy again. Amanda made it to where I never wanted to see her again. Kevin was convinced that he had been in an online relationship with me. Instead, I started having a panic attack and he got into a shouting match with Amanda that ended with a bystander jumping in and tackling him to the ground.

Amanda stood there laughing and I said, “Did you have anything to do with this.”

She got that same sheepish look on her face she’d get when I caught her stealing my shoes or dresses and I just knew. I knew she had set this whole thing up to punish Kevin and that she didn’t really care how I felt about it. I had a long time to think about our friendship after that and over the next few days I came to realize that there really wasn’t much of a difference between Kevin and Amanda. Both were obsessed with me. Both seemed intent on hurting the other. Neither of them seemed to actually care about my feelings. For Kevin I was some prize to be attained at the end of some quest. For Amanda I was at best a love interest and at worst an emotional dumping ground. I grew tired of all of the manipulation and lies. I packed my bags and moved in with my friend Aunt Susan.

The next few years were nice. I made friends at work. I even helped a girl named Charlotte work up the nerve to talk to this guy in her math class she kept gushing about. I regret that. Charlotte and I became fast friends, and then I met her new boyfriend, Kevin. I didn’t have many friends and frankly I didn’t want to be alone. Kevin sold me a good line and I bought it. He told me about his mental issues and his medication. He told me about how he’d been going to college and working. He even apologized for the things he had done while delusional. Like I’ve said before, he’s incredibly charming when he wants to be.

I started dating a guy from work and Kevin didn’t even bat an eye. James was a great guy, but when I told him about my past with Kevin, he instantly hated the guy. Still, he made it a point to pull Kevin off to the side and hang out with him when we went over to see Charlotte. Again, for almost six months Kevin never so much as said anything cross to me and never so much as flirted with me. By all outward appearances, he seemed completely and totally absorbed with Charlotte. I let my guard down. That was a mistake.

It all comes down to that fateful night. James went out of town for a military thing and I opted to stay with Charlotte and Kevin. I was sitting on their couch watching Netflix when someone used a key on the front door and walked in like they owned the place. It was Amanda. She was wearing a gun on her hip and dressed in all black. I looked up and said, “Amanda, what are you doing here?” There was a look of contempt in her eyes that I had never seen before. She reached for her gun and I screamed.

Charlotte came running out and Amanda shot her point blank in the head. Amanda turned to me and said, “What, you won’t be my friend anymore but you’re besties with the skank that’s fucking Kevin?” That’s when Kevin ran out holding a knife I stood up and said, “I’m just gonna go in the back room and let you two sort it out. That’s when Kevin grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me into a headlock with the knife at my throat. He said to Amanda, “You took mine, it’s only right that I take yours.” Deep searing pain that burned white hot became all I could think about as he plunged the knife in and let me fall to the floor. I watched as he darted out the back door. I tried frantically to keep pressure on the wound my blood escaped onto the floor.

Amanda didn’t even stay behind to check on me. She ran after Kevin and left me bleeding on the floor next to my dead friend. Those paramedics saved my life, but those cops are idiots. I heard they let Kevin go and kept Amanda. Even now I have James sitting by my bed as I try to rest up. This is the second disfiguring scar that psychopath has given me. I won’t let him close enough to leave a third.

#reddit #nosleep #scary #story

[toomanysurveys9]

Can you remember the first survey that you ever took?

no. just that it was on myspace when that was a thing.

What did you spend the majority of the last night doing?

went to kayla’s for dinner, then came back and just hung out at home.

Have you ever had a particularly disturbing dream? About?

i’ve been having a lot of weird, upsetting dreams lately.

What goes through your mind when someone threatens suicide?

i want to help them feel better. all i think about is how can i fix things and keep them living.

Have you ever expressed that you wanted to kill yourself?

yeah.

Should gay marriage be legalized? What are your reasons?

it is legal, which is good. it should be.

Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances?

maybe if the baby would suffer and not make it.. i don’t know though. that’d be so hard..

What do you think of people who get abortions?

it’s not my business.

What was the last bug you killed?

spider i think.

Do you ever argue or debate with people about your beliefs?

not usually.

If yes, when was the last time?

i just got in a debate the other day though because people were saying it is wrong of me to call wyatt a boy, and that putting his gender as such on his birth certificate is confining him to his gender..

When was the last time you felt turned on?

couple days ago.

When was the last time you felt disgusted with someone/something?

last night.

Do you typically finish all the food you put on your plate?

depends.

Do you continue eating even when you are full?

sometimes, especially if we’re eating out.

What is the most wasteful thing that you do on a regular basis?

these.

What is one weird eating habit that you have?

i’m weird about which fries i’ll eat.

What is something other people tease you about?

^^ and wyatt being a momma’s boy. but he’s only almost nine months old, and i am the one who primarily cares for and interacts with him sooo...

Does it bother you to be teased about this?

it’s kind of annoying sometimes.

Would you rather suffer from anorexia or bulimia?

neither. this is officially the stupidest question i think i’ve read on a survey.

What is the worst question a survey could ask you?

well, the one that was just asked i think takes that cake. but i also just read the next question. so...

Do you think it’s okay for a survey to ask if you’ve been raped? Why?

i feel like that’s not a question that needs to be asked. if someone wants to talk about their personal life in different questions, that’s fine. but that seems insensitive and like it’s no one’s business.

Would you answer such a question honestly, if faced with it?

i might. i might not. more likely not if it’s worded like that.

If you are a vegetarian, do you look down on people that eat meat?

i’m not a vegetarian.

Why do you think some vegetarians behave that way?

i don’t know.

If you eat meat, what do you tend to think of vegetarians/vegans?

i don’t care what other people do.

If you paint your nails, what color do you generally choose?

red. black. pink.

If you could spend a day as the opposite gender, what would you do?

i have no idea, to be honest.

What are some good things about your gender?

pregnancy. having babies. i don’t know. haha.

What are some of the downsides?

^^^

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to start life over?

kind of i guess.

What might you do differently?

go to school for something different. take my name off of the lease at the trailer park.

If you could spend a year living in a foreign country, which would it be?

i thought about china.. but i think i’d prefer somewhere like italy.

Why did you make this particular choice?

it’s pretty. food. :p

What is the next big event you have planned, if any?

it’s not planned yet, but wyatt’s first birthday.

What do you do to entertain yourself on long car rides?

sing. talk. car games. read. dance crazy. sleep.

What do you say to someone who is annoying you?

usually i just ignore them.

How do you let someone know you don’t like them?

i guess my body language.

When was the last time you felt insecure? What happened?

i don’t remember.

How did/do you feel about learning to drive? Who taught you?

i was excited and scared. my dad mostly taught me.

What do you think of people that like the Twilight series?

i don’t care. i used to.

What do you think of using lyrics to express how you feel?

i don’t see anything wrong with it.

Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else?

either. i’m not picky.

When’s the last time you had Sunny D?

it has been years.

Is there anything hot pink within five feet of you?

yeah. some toys and whatnot.

Have you ever told someone you hated them and meant it?

yup.

Do you and your friends ever make up ‘code names’ for people?

not so much, no.

Would you rather go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner?

probably dinner.

Do you know how to work a barbecue?

not really, no.

Do you find it rude when people text when they’re talking to you?

depends how much and whether all of their attention is on that.

What would you do if the last person you spoke to on the phone asked you to marry them?

that’s my mom, so that’d be weird.

What’s the longest you’ve ever been out of your state/province?

a week.

Do you know anyone who has written a book?

not published.

Would you rather have eggs or waffles for breakfast?

eggs. i’m not much of a waffle eater.

How many people could you fit (standing up) in your kitchen?

you can barely fit one person.

How long would it take to walk to the nearest McDonald’s?

maybe 15 minutes.

Does your best friend have any pets?

she has a dog named spencer, and a rabbit named abigail.

Is there something that happened to you ages ago but seems like only yesterday?

i guess so.

Where would you go if you wanted a fake ID?

i wouldn’t have a clue.

What would you do if the last person you laughed with dated your best friend?

since she’s my sister and she’s five. i would have some issues.

Who’s the last person you shot a dirty look to?

i don’t remember.

What was your second to last conversation about?

wyatt opening his mouth so cocoa could lick his mouth... it’s so gross.

Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around?

no i don’t. i used to occasionally because my mom but i stopped.

Do you know anyone who broke a limb from being in a car accident?

not that i know of.

Have you ever burned a photo of you and a person you were angry with?

nope. i’m not that dramatic.

Would you prefer working at a grocery store or an ice cream parlor? Why?

i think i’d prefer the ice cream parlor, as long as it’s not like dairy queen.

Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way?

not really, no.

Is there any ice cream in your house right now? What kind?

jacob has some snicker ice cream or something. and i think there is a dilly bar.

What’s the best part of sleepovers?

friends.

What’s the most comfy thing to sleep in?

nothing. or just a big tshirt.

Does the last person who sent you a message online wear makeup?

no.

Would you rather have an overly cheerful cashier,or a completely silent one?

eh. i’d be fine with a silent one..

Do you cry at weddings?

sometimes. depends who.

Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night frequently?

for wyatt, yes.

Do you bring pillows on road trips?

of course.

What’s the most important thing for a road trip?

snacks and drinks.

Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewelry?

yup. jacob has numerous times.

Do you like camping, or would you rather stay home?

i’d like to try actual camping.

Do you know anyone who’s name is your middle name?

yeah.

Do you think Super Bad was as funny as everyone said?

never seen it.

If you wanted a hamburger right now, where would you go?

steak n shake.

What about a new pair of shoes?

walmart. they’re cheap.

Do you find sleeping in cars easy?

not usually.

How long would your hair be if you cut off eight inches?

really freaking short.

Would you do that?

noooo.

Have you ever woke up with someone you didn’t know next to you?

nope.

Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why?

yeah. i don’t remember why.

Have you ever been friends with a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s siblings?

not really, no.

Who’s the last person you told to shut up?

i don’t remember.

Do you know who Blair Waldorf is?

no..

Do you own any hot pink clothes?

underwear.

#survey #surveys #personal #question #questions #random

[sorryforthephilosophy]

Phoenix Jones Fights Wolfie Blackheart

To mangle a quote from 1984: “If you want a vision of the future, imagine Phoenix Jones fighting Wolfie Blackheart - forever.”

In 2010, San Antonio police searched the house of Wolfie Blackheart.  Wolfie believed that he* was a wolf, spiritually if not biologically.  He was a member of a growing subculture (therians or otherkin) of animal-identified people. Wolfie was the alpha of the Crimson Blood Wolf Pack and an amateur taxidermist.  It has also been reported that Wolfie was a high school dropout and had Tourette’s.  Members of Anonymous had alerted the police after seeing a photo of a severed dog’s head that has been posted to MySpace and feared that Wolfie may have killed and decapitated a missing dog from the neighborhood.  Wolfie proclaimed innocence, saying that he would never kill a dog, that he found the dog dead in the woods and wanted to preserve its skull.  News stories about the issue abounded, and Wolfie was subject to harassment, threats and doxing (personal information being revealed online, such as phone number and address).  Even today, cultural conservatives use Wolfie as an example of the slippery slope of allowing people to identify as categories that don’t match their biology.

In 2011, Phoenix Jones, a real life superhero and the leader of the “Rain City Superhero Movement” was arrested under investigation of assault for using pepper spray to break up a fight.  In court, Phoenix was forced to remove his mask and reveal his true identity.  Phoenix is an accomplished mixed martial artist who wore a super-suit that included bullet-proof material.  Phoenix has stopped several crimes, prevented criminals from fleeing the scenes of multiple crimes and has been shot and stabbed (or so it has been reported by Phoenix and others).

Wolfie and Phoenix have never, to my knowledge, met nor come into conflict.  However, their stories are emblematic of the effects that the internet is having on our society and are instructive on what we can expect the future to be like.

The internet makes new subcultures and new identities possible.  Cases in point: the real-life superhero movement, where people put on superhero outfits and patrol the streets of their cities trying to stop crime, and the otherkin/therian movement, where people identify as being (non-human) animals or as being spiritually or psychologically connected with animals.

Our cultures tell us the choices that we have for our identities.  Modern western culture had, until very recently, only two gender choices: male and female.  Other cultures have had more than two concepts of gender, and thus more than two choices.

Before the internet, people in western culture had a relatively small number of things they could identify as: gay or straight, nerd or jock, criminal or law-abiding, republican or democrat, urban or country, Catholic or Protestant, etc.  There were some minority choices (rather than Democrat or Republican, you could be a socialist or a fascist, rather than Catholic or Protestant you could be an Atheist or a Buddhist or Wiccan), but most of these minority choices made a person subject to ridicule and prejudice.  If you identified as a wolf in a human body, or wanted to fight crime as a costumed superhero, or thought lizard people secretly rule the Earth or were a heterosexual male who wanted to give up on women and go-your-own-way, it was unlikely you could ever meet another person who felt the same way as you, and attempts to do so would most likely result in ridicule and shunning.  Today, anyone with any of these beliefs or desires can go on the internet and find a community and a culture.  You might even find people in your city who share your beliefs who you can hang out with in person.

These internet-generated sub-cultures normalize identity choices that would have previously not seemed like choices.  There have been superhero and werewolf stories around for quite a while, and doubtless many people fantasized about being a superhero or a wolf, but before the internet the number of people who chose being a superhero or a wolf as a lifestyle were small or non-existent.  The lifestyle choices you believe you have change radically when you find find a community of people who are patrolling the streets in superhero costumes or who go to the mall in a pack wearing wolf tails.

Some people who have written about Wolfie Blackheart have described him as non-neurotypical.  I do not know if that’s true, but let’s say for a moment that it is.  It might mean that wolfie was born with a brain that would never have let him do any of mainstream culture’s standard identity choices very well.  Maybe being a therian is closer to what his brain does well.  Maybe all the different subcultures cater to certain psychological and neurological types (just as mainstream culture does).  If clothes all came in medium but no small or large, and someone who could never find clothes that fit them found a weird subculture that had small or large clothes, they might feel they finally found a place they belonged.

However, the internet puts these various subcultures on view for people from the outside to view.  And thus we see culture clashes, because what seems to be a valid choice within the subculture doesn’t always seem like a valid choice outside.  To Wolfie, it may have seemed normal to take the body of a neighborhood dog who was a friend of his and who had been run over, and cut its head off so as to preserve its skull as a memorial to the creature.  To Phoenix, it may have seemed normal to pepper spray a group of people engaging in a fight.  To the people who saw the dog’s head on MySpace, it was evidence of animal cruelty and occult animal sacrifice.  To Seattle law enforcement, trying to break up a fight with pepper spray is evidence of being what a Seattle City Attorney called a “deeply misguided individual.”

In China, Human Flesh Search Engine is when people use the internet to find criminals and people who break societal norms, stripping these offenders of their anonymity so they can face legal action or social sanctions.  When a video was posted to the internet showing the feet of a woman in high heels stomping on a kitten, the Human Flesh Search Engine tracked down the woman and revealed her name, causing her to lose her job.  When a woman posted on Chinese internet forums about her husband’s infidelity and then committed suicide, the Search Engine made the husband famous around the Chinese internet, forcing him to quit his job and subjecting him to harassment on the street.  In the West, groups like Anonymous use similar tactics and for similar reasons. It was Anonymous members that first got involved in the Wolfie Blackheart case when a picture of the dog’s severed head was posted to 4chan.

Yet it’s not just members of our nation’s default culture who take vigilante action against others on the internet. When feminists tried to post their opinions on video games to the internet, and proved they had an audience willing to view and even pay for these opinions, anti-feminist gamers (a cultural minority, no matter how much their constant loud whining on the internet makes them appear to be a majority) resorted to the same tactics: campaigns of harassment and doxing.

So what will the future look like?  The internet will continue to create new subcultures, and these subcultures will grow larger, older, deeper, will grow even more different from the mainstream culture.  People who were raised in these cultures will come of age.  There will be second-generation real life superheroes and therians. There will be splintering of existing sub-cultures into sub-sub-cultures. Therians and otherkin and furries will all think of each other as weird and wrong.  

More of us will be in one or more of these subcultures.  The mainstream culture, to the extent that it exists at all, will be a sort of lingua-franca, like the pidgin languages that allow people to communicate and trade in areas of dense lingual diversity.  Mainstream culture will mean that while you are in the office you won’t wear your tail or your mask, and you won’t say your theories about lizard people or the earth being flat, but this is just a shallow code of conduct you adopt only until you can leave work and be around your own people again.

On the whole, this may make the human race happier.  Perhaps we are almost all neurodiverse, some of us are just better at hiding it than others, and when given a choice most of us will abandon mainstream culture for something that suits us better.

Yet for all the potential joys of fitting in, culture clashes are going to increase dramatically.  Actions that seem normal and sane from within the confines of subcultures will be viewed from outside by people who don’t understand the cultural context. Many subcultures will seem, to outsiders, to be strange and sinister and possibly dangerous.  We will fear that therians will kill our pets, that real-life superheroes will pepper spray us for no reason, that feminists will ruin our video games.  The same internet communities that help people connect with each other also make concerted vigilante action not only possible but easy.  Subcultures will fight subcultures, each attempting to wield social systems (e.g. the police, the school system, the mainstream news media) as weapons against each other.  It won’t be a war, it will be a lot of little skirmishes, weirdos versus weirdos.  It will be Wolfie Blackheart with a set of surgically implanted fangs fighting Phoenix Jones with a kevlar super-suit, forever.

Sources: Mostly Wikipedia.  Also: https://encyclopediadramatica.rs/Shadow https://www.forbes.com/2008/11/21/human-flesh-search-tech-identity08-cx_cb_1121obrien.html https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aN7lBDxWhvs http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1792621/?ref_=nv_sr_8 http://horrorfanzine.com/wolfie-blackheart-and-the-severed-dog-head/

*In 2011, reports listed Wolfie’s gender as female. Wolfie, to my understanding, currently identifies as male.

A note on quote marks: In this article I resisted the urge to use quote marks around the terms people use to describe themselves.  Quote marks, like the terms “so called” or “self-proclaimed,” carry with them the implication that someone uses that term, but I as the author normally wouldn’t.  There’s a huge difference between saying “Sam, who is a trans-man….” and “Sam, who is a ‘trans-man’...”  No quotes implies that this is a real or legitimate category.  And since this post is about that tension between what one person considers a legit category and what another doesn’t, I thought it would be hypocritical for me to include those quote marks.