Angstpril: 30. LOST HOPE - evil au - second (successfull) escape
@whumpril - Day 30."Don't let go."
My breath raced as I followed Rema throughout the corridors. I felt floaty, disconnected. Our steps rang in my ears, and Rema's warmth in my hand didn’t feel quite real. This was stupid, I knew. We’d get caught, and everything would be for naught.
What worse could happen?
My feathers itched where they had been amputated, and I longed to feel the high altitude breeze tease my cheek again. How long has it been since I last flew? How long would it be, before I could again?
I never would.
I had not been made to stay grounded.
I guessed it didn’t matter in the end, whether I went with Rema, or whoever yanked my leash. In both cases, my life was in someone else's hands, caring or not, the responsibility of keeping my heart beating far away from my twisted mind. In both cases, I would never fly again.
Something in me was gone, dead, an empty hole replacing the once bright light pulsing in my chest, and I couldn’t muster the energy to bring it back. Was it not for the strict anchor Aheka had placed in my mental space, I would have been gone already, stomping away from the wasteland of a galaxy that I had burned to ashes.
Everywhere was the same.
“Master, where are you going?”
I froze, guilt and instinctual terror battling for the front seat of my consciousness.
Pat.
I darted a glance at him.
The Togorian stood in the hall, darkness spinning around him. Darkness spun around all of us, these last few days. My heart tightened, longing for the free days we had together, and I slowed down. Perhaps if I stayed… If I stopped disappointing Aheka, stopped being such an ungrateful Padawan… Would everything go back to normal?
(It wouldn't.)
Rema tightened her hold around my hand, pulling me ahead.
“Don’t let go,” she hissed.
I followed, too hungry for the smell of freedom to care for the Padawan I left behind. Something angry shifted in me, whispered that I abandoned him, that I was undeserving of the freedom I chased. I laughed at it. This was far from the worst selfish act I did while soaking in the Dark.
Furthermore, it had never been a matter of deserving. If it was, then the Force had a funny way to show it: I never deserved my place as a Jedi, never deserved the luxury I got in slavery, never deserved to have a fallen Master so kind… I had seen the marks on Kedrick’s Apprentices. Compared to those scars, temporary clipped wings had been nothing.
But it was so much worse now, wasn’t it?
The crackle of a comm being turned on echoed behind us.
“Bring reinforcement to the section 1.3. They are here.”
I tripped at the coldness in Pat’s voice, but Rema’s hold pushed me forward. She ran further, each step dragging us closer to the exit. My head spun from the effort. My muscles had weakened from the months of inaction, as I was kept in the palace like a pretty bird in a golden cage, then even more as I layed near-catatonic on the floor for days to end, and I was now paying the price. I let Rema pull me, limbs awkwardly tripping behind her, uncaring of the outcome.
Soon enough, we reached a nursery. Rema dropped my hand, and I stopped, confused. Vaguely, I remembered something about Rema being pregnant, and meeting her child. The toddler’s name was lost amidst the fog weighing down my mind, however, teasing memories I couldn’t care to recall. I felt like a droid on autopilot- unable to move except if given the command.
An instant later, or an eternity (both felt the same), Rema reappeared, a toddler in her hands.
Solana.
The name finally came to me, ringing loudly in my head now that it had been heard. The child was pressed tightly against Rema’s chest, and I could sense her distress in the Force. In another time, I would have been able to interpret it, and move to fix whatever bothered her. Today, all I could focus on was the inescapable pain pulsing through my wingtips, and the black spots dancing over my vision.
Guards’ stomps and shouts echoed in the hallway, spurring Rema into action.
“Let’s go,” she whispered, taking my hand again.
This time, she took us through shortcuts. We climbed in large vents, hid in tight closets, and passed through invisible wall doors.
We arrived in front of a small hangar door. Rema stopped, and I collided with her back. Recognition wormed its way throughout my dazzled mind. This was Kedrick’s private hangar- where we had stopped last time, and been captured. Already, I could hear guards from the other side of the door. There was no way we would pass and reach the shuttle.
Uncontrollable shivers wracked my body. We’d be caught, I was certain. What would they do this time? Kill me?
But no, they had never been so merciful. Aheka wouldn’t let them be.
A comforting hand settled on my shoulder.
“It’s alright, Sin. I’ll get you out of this.” She looked fondly at Solana as the word ‘you’ escaped her mouth.
She led me slightly to the side, towards a condemned vent entrance. The vent I had climbed in last time, I realized. Her red blade lit the corridor, and soon after, the airway was open. She motioned for me to climb up, but I didn’t react, paralyzed.
“I feel like I’m helping some loth-kitten take its first step, rather than a full-grown Siegrind." She pushed me forward until I was half in the vent, and had to climb in for balance.
“Go through there. I’ll see you on the other side.” She hesitated an instant, before adding more softly. “If anything happens… Take care of Solana for me, will you?”
Before I could react, she was far away, opening the hangar door.
There was a floating moment, during which the troopers inside faltered, their brains taking a bit of time to compute what was happening. The silence only lasted an instant, however, before Rema’s powerful voice echoed.
“I’m here!”
Blaster shots fired through the hangar. A strange tightness settled in my chest, pushing beyond the numbness, pushing beyond the disconnection that paralysed me, and I pushed Solana forwards.
Was Rema alright?
Intellectually, I could feel, in the Force, that she was alive. But there were so many ways to be alive yet dead, to exist in an in-between state only filled with suffering… I crawled through the vent, focusing on guiding the toddler before me rather than the chaotic thoughts filling my head.
Rema's calm face met us on the other side, and my shoulders sagged in relief. I slipped away again now that I had visual proof she was fine, not wanting to stay here a moment more than necessary. My flockmate was strong. She would take care of everything.
Rema helped us out of the vent, then took Solana in her arms and walked inside a shuttle. I followed her like a lost duckling, uncaring of where we went as long as it was away.
But never far enough to escape the truth that my wings were—
I blinked, and found myself strapped to the pilot chair, Solana secured in my lap.
“Sin. I need you to wake up for a bit, okay?" Rema coaxed, her tone gentle but determined. "It’s important.”
I looked at a vague point on the horizon, uninterested. We were on the ship. Beneath me, I could feel the structure vibrate, engines ready to go.
Space was pretty.
“I know you hear me," Rema pressed. "Listen, please.”
The intonation. I turned towards her, gathering what focus I could. Blaster-calloused hands met my cheeks. Rema guided my head forward, until I could do nothing but stare at her cool blue gaze.
“You need to live," She said, weighing each of her words with a Force inflection. "To protect Solana… You need to live." She stepped back, and I almost followed, hypnotized. "Promise me you will.”
I nodded, and she left.
I stared, confused, at the empty space where Rema stood. I had heard the ship ramp retract, seen Rema walk towards the hangar door, yet I just stared on, expecting her to come back. To gather back Solana from my lap, turn back the ship autopilot to manual, and crack a joke about how I truly had fallen for her prank, of course she would never abandon her child. By the time reality finally pierced the fog enveloping my brain, the ship had long taken off and jumped into hyperspace.
Rema had left.
I was alone.
Next to me, the toddler began to cry. Automatically, my wings evelopped her, an engrained instinct trying to stop the child’s whimpers.
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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed
my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.
and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.
anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,
I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me
im going by metro which is quite safe
im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18
she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)
anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm
so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?
anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".
and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.
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30 // amity
Breath slow. Eyes open. Hands steady, for once. It was nice not to feel how much of her strength she’d lost and still be able to aim straight.
When was the last time she did this?
When was the last time she did this and felt something good?
She squared her posture, pulled her arm back tight, and stared down the first bottle she’d perched on a rock. She took her time. She felt through herself, the wind, the savory calm. And when she was ready, it wasn't a matter of letting go in the way she was used to. Instead, she gripped tight.
She squeezed the trigger.
Her arms jerked, but she held herself steady. It wasn’t as loud as she remembered, though the shot rang through the desert and scared the nearby birds into flight or silence. And her target? Sif’s heart nearly burst into flames in her chest when all she could see of it were glittering shards of brown glass littering the dirt. But she pulled a deep breath. Then another. Measured. Composed.
For a beat.
Her boot came down hard into the gravel and her arms went up in the air, barking a laugh at herself as she pulled the weapon—this hard-won trophy, a symbol that she wasn’t a failure but merely changed—close to her chest to feel the heat off of it.
“Gods, damn it. Finally,” she sighed, an irrepressible smile on her lips.
If only she had more than a precious few bullets, she might have fired off another round or two, become more familiar with the weapon, built her confidence and learned her limits. But this? This small, long-sought victory was enough for now. Enough to assure her that she could still be good for something. That he alone wouldn't have to bear the responsibility of protecting them both.
Spinner would have Her way of turning her fortunes tomorrow, Sif wagered, but today? Today was hers.
She settled down in the shade of the ironwood under which they’d made camp and set the weapon aside in favor of a flask, lifting it to the heavens in thanks before bringing it to her lips. As a bitter taste flooded her tongue, she was given pause, then huffed to herself.
A battle-in-progress that she was fighting on a quieter front. Tea.
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