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otomes-and-tears · 7 months

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thoughts on shiloh and jb,,,, theyre so fun to think abt as a dynamic no matter how u choose to slice it

THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT THIS, ANON!! I want to smooch your forehead. I'm so happy rn.

Okay so-- I like to think that Shiloh initially only agreed to date JB out of self-interest, but eventually developed genuine feelings for her that he's in denial about.

We all know that he chooses to closely associate with people who will offer him something in return, and being with JB is DEFINITELY beneficial for him in the beginning:

First, by going out with her he's setting himself apart from the other jerks. He already acts differently from them, being nice, cheerful and helpful, and dating someone who others would consider desirable would do good for his social standing (and we know that shiloh has a bit of a reputation for being a manwhore, so actually settling down with someone for once would make him appear better) and it would solidify the idea that he's in the jerksquad by mistake and that he's "totally normal you guys" for people who still didn't catch on to him being a snake.

We also know that part of the reason is literally just that JB is the one thing that all the jerks have in common. They're all attracted to her in some capacity, and Shiloh can rub it in their faces in his own way that he "won" by being with her.

I think that JB being physically attractive and fitting his type are just minor points for him. If it was down to just physical attraction he wouldn't have bothered with a romantic relationship. He did, canonically, have a bunch of flings, so we know that for him accept a serious, exclusive relationship meant that there was a lot of incentive for him to do so.

So by all accounts, this is literally the perfect scenario for him: He's with someone attractive and fun, he pisses Pran off, people will see him in a better light and, the best part of all, JB is aware that he has ulterior motives and doesn't care about what they are, just as long he's praising her and being amusing.

There doesn't need to be any actual feelings involved. It's a mutually beneficial relationship that hinges on both parts fulfilling their pre-assigned roles. It's straightforward and uncomplicated, even if their dynamic is kind of fucked up if you think too hard about it.

But... And maybe this is just the hopeless romantic in me, but I do think that Shiloh eventually starts developing actual feelings for JB, and it would be fucking terrible for him.

There's this one post where GB lady talks about Shiloh's loneliness, and I think about it way too much. Even if you choose to see him as someone who just discards and replaces people in his life as soon as they're not of use anymore, he still feels isolated and lonely, because of course he does! Shiloh spent his entire life not letting people in and just following whoever established themselves as a leader, he even admits to it himself in Our life.

Shiloh doesn't have any actual, meaningful relationships because he can't have them and still maintain that same pattern of behaviour that he's used to, and letting go of these old habits would be incredibly difficult for someone whose entire childhood socialization was built onto this foundation.

Like-- I know that is a clichê for people to trace back everything to someone's childhood, but I cannot stress enough how CRUCIAL childhood socialization is for human development. Of course, people can grow and change even if they had difficult childhoods, but you need a good foundation in order to build healthy habits, and while Shiloh did have loving parents who wanted to do good by him, the behaviours and thought patterns he picked up during his childhood are still things we can see he struggles with throughout his life.

Building long-lasting connections with people means that he needs to allow himself to be vulnerable and genuine, It means that Shiloh needs to let go of the safety of the "boss and sidekick" dynamic that he's used to, and that especially, he would need to let go of his habit of entering relationships with the expectation of leaving them eventually.

I don't think these are things he's incapable of doing, if you choose to believe that he was being genuine with Liz during their conversation in OLBA, but these are things that he has resistance to trying because they have outcomes that are difficult to predict, and Shiloh is as his most comfortable when he's able to read someone and be what they need him to be or manipulate them into giving to him what he wants. He thrives on predictability and control.

I believe that actually falling in love with JB would be something he'd be in denial about for a long time. I think it would be hard for him to rationalise having actual, genuine feelings for someone after he spent an entire life avoiding them, and it would be even harder for him to deal with the very real possibility of this relationship having an expiration date, or, even worse, him wanting to be with her past her usefulness.

And it's not like he has anyone to talk to about these things, or that JB would even believe him if he admitted to actually liking her. I do think that Shiloh is the kind of person who would try to bury these feelings inside as much as possible to try and regain some sense of normalcy and you'd never be able to tell, bc he's just acting like normal.

By the prom scene, I think he actually likes her. I think he purposefully takes advantage of the fact that she doesn't take anything he says seriously to say things he actually means. I think him opening up about his manipulation tactics goes beyond him just wanting to manipulate her further (though I do think that keeping her interested enough she doesn't want to break up is a good motivator for him to keep on manipulating her too) and is also Shiloh's way of testing her boundaries and just how much she's willing to put up with if he starts being honest with her.

I don't think he knows whether or not to break up with her by graduation. She's asking him, but he doesn't know what to answer. Being with her beyond high school and putting effort into staying with JB long-distance doesn't really benefit Shiloh like it did when they were both in high school, and staying with JB long-term would mean that at some point he'd have to look deep inside and ask himself if he's willing to change.

And yeah, he's lonely, and he loves JB, but is that worth giving up everything you know?

Buuut if you want my honest opinion, which I'm guessing you do because you read through this mountain of text, I like to think that him allowing Liz back into his life is a good sign. It, at the very least, means that he is willing to maintain one relationship and that he's willing to be at least somewhat honest with someone. That's already miles better from where he was when Xoxo Droplets started.

By the way-- if you agree or disagree with anything I said here I'd LOVE to hear people's takes on this topic! I love talking about them!

#Shiloh makes me INSANE #I'm supposed to be studying for my organizational and industrial psychology test tomorrow but I'M HERE WRITING ABOUT SHILOH FIELDS #bee's writing #our life #xoxo droplets #shiloh fields #gb patch

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dalt20 · 5 months

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Tooning in 6. Greg Bailey part 1 of 7

DL : So who are you and what are you best known for?

GB : I am Greg Bailey and known best as the director of the PBS series, Arthur.

DL : So growing up, how was your childhood?

GB : I had a pretty average north American suburban middle class upbringing and grew up in a family

of 5 kids. I lived most of my childhood years in Windsor Ontario under the Detroit skyline.

DL : When did you discover that you wanted to work in cartoons?

GB : I do remember being about 8 or 9 years old and discussing with a friend about what we wanted

to be when we grew up and I mentioned "cartoonist" since no one new the word animator

back then. My friend was shocked and pointed out that you had to draw like a million

drawings just to make the character blink. But I didn't really know it was that bad but it

made me think that it might be a pretty cool thing to do. I think more practically it wasn't

until late high school that I learned that some schools were teaching it and Sheridan

College in Oakville was pretty close to home and sounded like a possibility.

DL : So what were your favorite cartoons growing up?

GB : Popeye, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Beanie and Cecil, George of the Jungle, and any of those old

shorts they used to run early on Saturday like from Fleischer Bros or Merry Melodies.

DL : So no "canadian cartoons" like Spider Man or Rocket Robin Hood?

GB : I never thought of Spider Man being Canadian. I remember Rocket Robin Hood and would watch

it ,but either I was a bit old for it or just the quality didn't interest me. It was like

Hercules, I would watch it but it seemed like animation had gone down hill a lot in that

Time.

DL : Well, these cartoons were from american producers but made in canada for cost and laws there.

GB : I think another reason not to have followed them much was that they weren't funny. I really

prefer comedy animation and there were some pretty good funny cartoons at the

time. I wasn't much into superhero animation or realistic style characters.

DL : Ah makes sense, not really an action guy myself. So how was Sheridan College?

GB : Sheridan was quite small when I started the course and it was quite a risky course to take at the

time since there weren't really many studios in Canada. My graduating class in third

year had only 14 students. The school increased enrollment a lot even in the 2 years

after I was there. I was very hands on. you had your own desk that no

one else used and we basically just went back and forth from the animation room to the

life drawing studio. All the instructors were from outside of Canada from the US or the

UK and I guess Kaj Pindall was from Denmark. He came in the final year I was there. But

it was a very small compact group of students and teachers in the class I graduated

With.

DL : So you attended in 1976 right?

GB : Yes my first year was 76 I believe. I think I graduated in 79.

DL : So you knew John Kricfaculsci or Lynne naylor? They were in the same class as you.

GB : John was always a real character for sure. At school I remember is that he was a Sunshine Boy

in the Toronto Sun one time and I remember overhearing a big fight he was having with

the instructors when they were reviewing or grading the group project he was doing at

Sheridan. He left after that. I didn't see him much after that except at DIC when he

was fired. He was doing Beanie and Cecil. I was supposed to meet him for dinner but

he got fired that day and I remember him taking his belongings out of the studio

including a big moose head that was on a little dolly that he was pulling. It was just

kind of a nice image that stuck in my head.

DL : That was something. So anything on Lynne?

GB : I don't remember her much except she was with John. They went to LA together and she worked

at Filmation but I was at Hanna Barbera so I didn't see them in that period.

DL : Ah ok. so at sheridan, did you have an assignment where you drew your favorite cartoon

character? Because John said for the assignment where he drew Merlin from Sword

in the Stone and Lynne also drew Merlin.

GB : Yeah probably I did the same, Merlin. I guess we didn't have much to draw from in those days.

DL : Wow you all like Sword in the Stone, huh?

GB : I guess. I don't really remember it much. The course was very focused on Disney Style classical

animation. I don't remember anyone doing anything that was Disney now that I think

about it. Maybe they made it a requirement otherwise I would have done Olive Oil or

something more interesting and comedic character.I meant no one did anything

that wasn't Disney.

DL : Also was Glen Kennedy in the same class?

GB : I know Glen but he was a year later than me.

DL : So when did you leave for the states for the only time?

GB : I went to Hanna Barberra directly after Sheridan so that was 1979 and was there for a year. In

1984 I worked for the LA company DIC but I was working in Tokyo. I did that for

about 4 years. I was returning home from that when I was working at DIC LA and

saw John with his moose head. Last year I was working for Bento Box in LA but

I am working from here remotely. Other than that, I have been in Canada.

DL : So how was Los Angeles when you got there?

GB : I loved it. I still like LA a lot though it is really crowded now compared to when I was there. It was

a very interesting place to start working in animation. It was a very unionized kind

of workplace. It's the only place I ever worked that had a firm lunch hour break and

15 minute coffee breaks at the same time twice every day. It was a huge studio with

about 500 people so it was very interesting and lots of fun for a young person just

venturing out into the world. I found the people friendly and it was easy to strike up

a conversation with strangers. It was also very smokey in September because they

had fires all around Hollywood and the smog was incredible. I was trying to get by

with only having a moped for transportation and everyone there thought that was

crazy because you had to have a car. The shows we worked on were quite bad

when I look back at them now. It was Scoobie Doo and Casper and the Space

Angels and Flinstone remakes. It was a real factory kind of environment but I

figured that was how things were in animation since I was just starting. I had a lot

to learn so I look back on it fondly and was able to learn a lot in that first year.

DL : So how was Hanna Barbera? Did you like it? How was Joe barbera?

GB : Joe I never met. Bill Hanna was more the guy who looked after the animation studio. Joe's daughter Jane Barbera was a producer that kept tabs on the studio. I don't know her title but it would be something like a line producer. I bumped into Bill Hanna in the hallway a few times but mostly I just remember him assembling all the Canadians and other foreigners on visas and said they would not be able to renew our visas next season. I remember he suggested getting married to someone if you wanted to stay in the US. More interestingly though was that Tex Avery worked there as a designer and he was very old but he would also be standing in line with us at the coffee truck at break time. I think I was always too star-struck to say anything more than hi how are you to him.

DL : wow! John said he left the country illegally in a documentary. So he was an alien.

GB : We were all aliens but I was there with a work visa. I think he always was illegal down there. He went down on his own without a job offer or a work visa when I went there. He is more of a risk taker than I am I guess. John was not at Hanna Barbera.

DL : Yeah, he still doesn't have dual citizenship after he left Filmation and Hanna Barbera. And John

isn't deported yet puzzles me.

GB : I don't think he ever worked at Hanna Barbera unless it was after I was there. I do remember on

the day he left DIC with his moose that someone said he was upset because he

couldn't find the visa application papers that he had in his office when he left. I

think by that point he could have even applied under the amnesty that they had

down there in the early 80's. He should have been there long enough to get that

if he had tried.

DL : Oh ok. So how was Casper and the Angels?

GB : I just used that as an example. There were about 10 series that I must have worked on in that one season at HB. One was Casper and the Space Angels, another was The Harlem GlobeTrotters, along with Scooby Doo and Flintstones. All Saturday morning was made up of either Filmation or HB shows. Both companies' shows looked exactly the same. The shows like Casper were completely generic and forgettable and the characters and props and even the stories were exactly the same on each series. So I guess Casper was very generic except it had the character Casper the ghost in it. But everything then was really stiff and they all had the same blinks, the same mouth charts for lip sync . It made it so animators and ink and painters could easily move from one production to the another without learning to draw a new style. You could even hop from studio to studio without any significant drawing learning curve. The characters didn't move or walk forward in perspective and things were very flat. The big actions all happened off screen and they reused as much animation as possible using a xerox machine. All this got destroyed when DIC came along and started making shows with more perspective and effects because they were making the animation in Japan. It destroyed HB and Filmation quickly because their shows were too dull.

DL :

yeah, one person reviewed casper and summed it up perfectly "what is popular? uh charlie's angels. What's a character we haven't used in a long time? uh casper the friendly ghost? What are the kids into now? outer space!"

GB : Everything was a space something or other that year. Sales run by marketing people never makes a memorable show.

DL : like Buck Rogers or the Star Wars hype train? Or Battlestar Galactica?

GB : There was something with the Shmoo from L'il Abner as well. The Harlem GlobeTrotters all had some super hero power. Like one guy would pull objects out of his afro like bulldozers or ray guns. They all had some bizarre and ugly super power.

DL : the Harlem GlobeTotters! One of them had a basketball for a head!

GB : Another one was rubbery or could get really tall or something. I've tried to block out the memory of all that. I only remember drawing someone that turned in a big plate of spaghetti noodles for some reason. I only remember because it's a nightmare to draw all those lines of spaghetti.

DL : It's hard to draw lines in general!

GB : One thing about HB was that I learned how to draw perfectly clean lines through. It is still a struggle through. They were really fussy about perfect lines especially in the facial features and hands. So it was necessary at least for me to learn that still after Sheridan.

DL : So, did you drew anything off model at Hanna Barbera?

GB : Not after I handed in my initial scene to the supervisor. They sat you down pretty quickly and showed how they keep it in model. I am surprised now when people say HB shows were badly drawn and off model. I don't remember anyone getting away with that or maybe I was just not aware of others.

DL : Oh well, I guess some must slipup or it just smear frames or inbetweens.

GB : Maybe they were done at outside studios. Sometimes they sent extra work out to places like Ruby and Spears and they would handle surplus. At one point I picked up some extra freelance work there. I remember fixing a scene that was very fully animated scene of a character flying and rolling in and turning in perspective. It was ok but it just needed to be put on model on all the inbetweens. It was a lot of drawing like 200 full figure drawings. It was something from Filmation but I got it from Ruby and Spears.

DL : How was The New Shmoo?

GB : Same as everything else. Maybe they did it because it kind of looked like Casper. Round and white. It was probably a space something I don't remember it much , although I did a scene that kept some model sheets for a long time that had a waitress but she had some Jetsons type of features in her costume.

DL : Ah ok. Was Scooby Doo and Flintstones more happier and familiar?

GB : Scooby and Flintsones were more the high end show for them . They ran more than a season and they had lots of designs from previous years. Scoobie had been running for a long time when I got there. Remember they had the voice from Casey Cassum(?) doing Shaggy. We used to see him around the coffee truck sometimes and people would point him out. But I think they were more fussy about those 2 shows though and it was really the bulk of the work that I saw. Perhaps they kept those shows more in house and we would only see the other shows when they didn't have enough work for us on Scoobie for the short term. All the other shows I can only remember working really briefly on them like a few weeks at most. After the season at HB a studio Canimage opened in Toronto and we did work on Scooby and the Flintstones. By that point the HB LA studio was not doing animation anymore. It was done in Toronto and Taipei.

DL : Wait, what was canimage? Was that a new Canadian studio Hanna Barbera opened like Wang Film in Taiwan?

GB : An animation company in Toronto that was around for a few years. 3 guys from a few years before me at Sheridan had been working at HB and when we got sent home they opened a studio in Toronto. They did HB for one season and then they did some overload work on Heavy Metal and I think that was all they did before it closed.

DL : Did you work on Heavy Metal? That film’s production was spread across Toronto, Montreal ,London and Los Angeles!

GB : Yes I did. In Montreal at Mike Mills and some freelance from Potterton Studio. The main production was centered in the main studio in Montreal. It was also in Ottawa besides the ones you mentioned. There were 3 studios in Montreal plus Ryan Larkin in his own studio.

DL : Oh ok. What segment did you animate on?

GB : I was at Mike Mills and there was a legal dispute that arose so our parts got redone at Halas and Bachelor really fast right before the delivery. We were animating the opening sequence where the car comes to earth and goes to the farm. And then there were parts that connected the different stories with Grimaldi. We were animating a carousel that was turning and had characters from each of the segments in the film. The carousel was growing and growing each time we saw it. Anyway this was all locked away and they made it really simplified with a green ball instead of the carousel and they made the car falling from the space station a really simplified-looking car. I animated a scene that I kept that was used for a publicity still in the Heavy Metal magazine. It was a guy in a space suit putting his helmet in the trunk of the car.

DL : Very interesting! So I can find anything from 1980-1983. Why is that? From IMDb credits.

GB : You mean I don't have Heavy Metal and Canimage listed in my profile. I should update that.

DL : Yeah or on imdb!

GB : I should go on IMDB and fix it.

DL : Do it! So what did you do in those years after Heavy Metal?

GB : I did commercials at Mike Mills which was really why I wanted to go there. It used to be an interesting job in animation because there was a good variety and the quality of the animation was often good and you got to work on the entire film including shooting it on the Oxberry. You would do everything from design and storyboarding and editing unlike working at a studio like HB where you only ever did one job like animation or in-betweening. For one year I went back to school to study in a technical engineering program because animation really fell apart in the early 80's. I started a film with a grant that I never finished, before I went to Tokyo.

DL : Well, wasn't Nelvana a thing?

GB : They were but not so much in the early 80's. That would have been when they pretty well lost it all on Rock and Rule . At least my timing was never good for going there.

DL : Oh yeah, I almost forgot. At least they were working on Inspector Gadget and Care Bears for DiC and American Greetings. So how did you get to Tokyo?

GB : Since I had worked in an American studio I knew how the lip sync system worked. And a company Aces in Toronto was doing some track breakdown and voice recording for DIC. When DIC in LA couldn't find animators willing to go to Tokyo they asked Aces if they knew anyone and I found out through a friend of a friend. About the only requirement they cared about was if I knew how to do lip sync in the US system of Saturday morning shows. I worked over there in the same little space with the creator of Gadget in fact. Bruno Bianchi.

DL : How was Bruno Bianchi?

GB : A nice person and very funny. He would spend a lot of his time drawing caricatures of people he worked with. He was really talented and had a great track record of creating new shows. He had started long ago with Jean Charlopin when he started DIC in Paris. So Bruno was a real old timer at DIC. DIC was an American company when I started there and it was partnered with DIC Tokyo.

DL : So how was Tokyo? Did you learn to speak japanese?

GB : Very interesting place. It was in the 80's as it was really the center of the universe and it looked like things would never slow down for them. It was definitely the hot spot in the world for animation. They were so far ahead of the west or anywhere else for that matter. The economy did collapse really shortly after I left because of the real estate bubble. I did learn to speak and I would take courses during the off-season or slow time. I forget almost everything now though. I could probably pick it up quickly again if I had a use.

#animation #animation interview #tooning in.#Greg Bailey #Arthur #pbs #DiC #hanna barbera

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ashesbreadandbutter · 2 months

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A Vent - Why This?

(1)

Tbh, this might become a series or something like that. I can't argue and lie I have anyone else to share my angst with so I thought that maybe just venting about it here for now would be nice.

I'll put a warning under this but in 2023 I had feeling very ill only to later get diagnosed with GBS.

Talk about one of the worst experiences of my life outside of hardcore trauma and shitty friends I had to forcefully deal with or get rid of. To be honest, with how my life has been I can't help but feel that my life is nothing but a waste of time at times.

Why am I here? And if things are going to be like this why stick around? If good and bad things happen all the time where are my 'good' things and why can I only remember the bad? How long do I have to wait for good things? And even when I get them will they later be taken away from me thanks to jealousy, or some sort of hostility?

Honestly I fear making friends again because they can look you right in your eyes and tell you that they love you though if you were on fire they wouldn't even dare to spit on you to help put you out.

How supposed to live this life peacefully after everything I've already been through? Why am I seen as the one with issues just because I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time again? Yes my trust issues are horribly bad, so bad that you could tell me the sky was blue and I wouldn't believe it till I seen it myself. I'm scared to say the least.

I'm both scared of dying and living because what am I to really expect? It seems like anyone could could in, practically beg to be in your life before shitting on you and it as if neither ever meant a thing a that's why I can't allow myself to get as close as I had before. I can't allow myself to do stupidly fall into the hands of another though I'm tired knowing that it's either I move on and potentially get hurt again or wallow in my darkness.

And I know what to do, I know I should keep going but I'm so tired.

So constantly tired of my old childhood trauma, of those moments where my body doesn't feel like my own, of never feeling like I have enough of anything, of not having the money and resources to take care of the few people I have left in my life, if trying so hard just for it all to blow up in my face like one big shit.

What else am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to fix this? And why do I feel like the only one fixing anything?

Or maybe I'm not fixing anything at all and as much as it hurts it just reminds me of all the nights I cried and sobbed, asking the gods why I of all people had to go through the things I did and why I still have to go through these other things I never asked for.

Where is the rest?

Where is my peace?

How long do I have to suffer before I get to rest or is no such thing as rest at all? Am I, and many others, damned to living a life knowing that no matter how much they try to be happy with it they simply can't?

I can only imagine how my life would if the things that happened to me didn't and yet here I am, faced with the reality which is my practically begging for help...

And though I can understand no one responding to the call, as has always been a recurring issue with me and the people I've decided to trust I desperately need someone... Something... To ease this pain that I've been cursed with dealing with.

- Vent Over for now.

#vent post #tw vent #vent #mental health #mental illness #actually mentally ill #mentally fucked #please help me #why #why am i like this #why am i doing this #why am i here #depressing shit #tw depressing thoughts #sorry for being depressing #im losing my mind #its literally 12 am #gotta let ot out i guess

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benefits1986 · 7 months

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Bad Genes + Bad Vibes = Best Life?

Hello, hello! It's been a while. The past months have been really crazy. I guess that while Q4 2023 will be crazier, I've grounded myself and kind of pumped to finish the year strong. You see, H1 tested my vulnerability. I actually found myself in a tabula rasa and then poof, here I am.

Forget manifestations. Forget Mercury and Pluto retrograde. I think, this year one of the most curious ones. I've been talking about my Brene Brown era (aka Brownism); and it really hit home and hit hard. Been back to writing and creating, which I am learning more and more about in line with algorithms, AI and prompt engineering. Yes, babe! We're in Black Mirror SZN 7: Dystopian Era IRL, finally. I often joke around that we're off to being our own versions of cyborgs, mutants and marionettes. And honestly, this is my childhood dream. Thank you, X-Men! I guess this is where my Venn Diagram comes in. I guess this is where my next chapter is heading. Anyhow, why on earth are we talking about these stuff? This curious content appeared in my feed as I've been consuming both Steven's and Gabor's independent content bits and pieces. This time around, it's layered with Prince Harry and his nepo battle in the new era.

Bad genes and bad nature come together. These two may be the modern world's deadliest weapons. Why so? Even when there's so much argument in the stances of Gabor regarding how you're wired based on your conception until your first days on earth, truth is that a good number of health risks are rooted on your traumas as well as your trauma responses and your coping mechanisms.

Mother Dragon loved Princess Di but she never mentioned Prince Charles during her fangirl days and nights. Princess Di is a complex main character and maybe a villain to some, too. But mom saw her as some sort of peg. She didn't dress like her because she's the jeans/shorts with plain shirt and sneakers kind of woman. She didn't talk and walk like her. However, I saw her cut her hair short. Probably, this is her own way of mimicking her goddess. Mom loved her even more when she saw the Princess of Wales held hands with no less than Mother Teresa. Mom is a devout Catholic so this is much like the pinnacle of her fangirl chapter.

The refreshing bit about this interview is that it brings the important discussion about how one's being and nothingness is defined by his/her earliest childhood memories. Another topic is about how suppressing anger and emotions, especially among women, increases the chances of having auto immune diseases. I grew up in the universe of battling mom's GBS which for me is worse than a deadly case of COVID. Why so? GBS slowly kills you. While at it, GBS extinguishes your personhood as it comes without any warning, and without an antidote. While IVig or Intravenous Immunoglobulin is the main character in curing GBS, the truth is, GBS patients may recover but its long term effects may include numbing all over, muscle weakness and probable loss plus fatigue. Back in 2004, there was no mention of working on GBS patients' mental health. There was no support group accessible to me and mom because cases back then were 1 out 700,000 in the US.

NOTE: GBS is not passed on to the children HOWEVER, studies show that those who contract it are the kids and grandkids of war veterans. TING! TING! TING! My lolo joined HUKBALAHAP and is indeed a war veteran.

One of the main reasons why I don't like to have kids is that I fear that I may pass on bad genes to my theoretical child. But, it does not stop there. I would not risk the chances of having that child take care of an almost lifeless mother who's supposed to take care of her kids until they are able to stand on their own and land on their feet. These reasons may be crazy and yes, I'm overthinking yet again, but, the stress levels, the cortisol and the trauma I've gotten from this life-altering chapter with mom is not something I'd want my theoretical kids to inherit. While some may argue that all people carry a bad gene whether it be recessive or dominant, the pain that goes with being a caregiver is something that's rarely one's cup of tea. I do not regret taking care of mom for eight long year even when I know so well that she's but a dead end and a case study. BUT, I have the choice to stop the shit, the drama, the chances of having to see my children go through it. I know they may power through, but I categorize this probability as very unfair.

More importantly, I really believe that childbirth may be anti-feminist. A number of close mom friends shared that there is shame in having the mom bod. You see, I'm already a plus sized girl and that alone is still an issue to a good number of narrow-minded people in this third world country. LOL. Kidding aside, childbirth is no joke. I really cringe when I imagine pushing out a baby out of my body instead of seeing it as a miracle. Again, I have full respect to moms especially those who are brought to motherhood to fulfill the so-called circle of life. It's not easy. It's not a walk in the park. It's a life-long choice, a gift and a curse. As Lualhati Bautista puts it in her book Dekada '70, mahirap maging ina kasi malimit, kahit ibigay mo na lahat, kulang pa rin.

Hence, I joke around that I don't like kids; but I've taken care of kids at a young age. I looked after mom who was pretty much a toddler trapped in a 50-ish body. I can actually provide decent care, but, I'm done. I'm over that. LOL. I'm at the point of my life where my body, my rules is at the core. I'm making up for the lost years and the running after dreams that I placed in the back burner. Those dreams were almost non-existent as I felt that I've burnt them to the ground.

Most importantly, call me crazy but as I was listening to this podcast, I can't help but see how my devoted mom's immune system worked against her because she went all out as a mother, a wife, a daughter and a friend. She did not stop. She abused her headspace and her physical body. Her stress tolerance and bullshit tolerance were off the roof. During her lifetime, she always reminded and forced me not to follow her path. HAHAHAHAHA. While she won't trade her life as a stay-at-home mom because of me and my brother, she made sure that I don't make the same mistake of giving too much of myself to the point that the ashes of the phoenix she raised won't be able to rise again.

I know these arguments are wobbly, clunky and too creative (LOL), but yes, let this be out in the open. I'm praying to the universe that I don't get to battle an auto-immune disease. Mom, paki na lang please. Hahaha. My overactive imagination is doing parkour the past weeks to be honest. If I die, I'd want it quick. I want it to be out of any hospital or no help of any form of medication. I want to die a natural death. Ganun lang. Simple lang. Fuck the system. LOL.

But for now, let's waste time wisely and beautifully because it's weekend, shall we? Still super thankful that even when the days and nights at work are longer than usual, weekends are sacred. PS: Our WiFi has been gone for almost a week so this is a late post. :D

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rosealine-bishop · 3 years

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Greaseball Headcanons

Okay so, @marastriker and I were talking last night about some GB headcanons. Not all were happy. But Im of the strong belief that no one starts out being the way they are and that their circumstances change and make them the way they are. So, playing off of that, here are some headcanons I've got about GB. (Some HCs may be familiar because they're also on this post here since they and I also were talking about other things and got to talking about potential kids and how GB & Dinah + Electra & CB would be as parents)

Anywho, I've talked about the background long enough, let's get to the main post.

(Might make this a two parter because it genuinely gets so so long)

(also @sweet-dining-car this is the post I mentioned)

TW: abuse, alcoholism, death, violence

So, for starters, GB wasn't always the way he is now. (Even now he actually deflects and has created this persona of a meathead who can be a total dick, but genuinely he's just a soft and nice guy at heart) Back when he was a kid, he actually was the cutest and sweetest kid out there. He was always so nice to all the other trains, and acting as a protector for all of the other trainlets (even if he was the runt of the litter. He just wanted to be like his favorite super hero: Captain America)

He would always be seen trailing Poppa or getting the most upset and doing his best to cheer up Poppa whenever he was having a bad day or looked even the slightest bit upset.

On that same note, Momma to him was like a second mother and both her and Poppa were the perfect relationship. (yes in my HCs Momma and Poppa exist together and same for the Hip Hoppers and the Rockies)

Unfortunately, at home, it wasn't as good as he could imagine it was in the train yard. At home, his dad was the biggest homophobic and toxic masculine guy you can image. A raging alcoholic with gigantic anger issues. He would constantly beat GBs mom and sometimes GB too.

His dad believed that BECAUSE he was the runt, that constant abuse would make him stronger. GB used to be the biggest cry baby but through years and years of abuse, would learn to hide it and "be a man"

His mother would sneak in some vinyls she managed to get for GB of Elvis or Frank Sinatra or anyone else she could find and she would help him hide everything when his dad would get home from work.

GB has always had a soft spot for dining cars because his mom worked close by them and he would sometimes visit her at work when he was way younger.

GB isnt actually straight. He's bi but represses it and hides behind the toxic masculinity because he made the mistake of telling his dad when his dad had a good week and he was almost beaten within the edge of his life. (and since that day, the abuse towards him was actually way worse)

GB would hide any of the abuse behind clothing and sunglasses and a cool guy persona. He would use it to deflect and pretend that nothing was wrong at home.

Eventually when GBs parents split (which was close to him turning 18), his dad managed to convince the court that his mom was unfit to be a parent. (Him and his mom talked about it before and agreed that in the end if the court asks GB his opinion on where he wants to live, he would choose his dad and then go find her when he turns 18. Because that way it would be best for the two of them)

So, at 18 he left without telling anyone and went to go find his mom. However, he never did and in fact found out about the fate of his mom from a phone call, telling him that she was found beaten to death. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what had happened.

GB actually blames himself for his mother's death, but like a good son, uses whatever money he had earned to give his mom a proper burial.

When he has to go back to get her personal belongings, he takes all the photos and rips his dad out of all of them and hangs them around his small one bedroom apartment. He even managed to find some old recordings of his mom singing and some old home videos. (he cherishes those and will play them when he's sad so that he never forgets his mom. and in a way he always has a part of her with him)

He actually is really good at metal working (thank you mara for this headcanon) so he uses his skills to make his necklace from one of his mom's old earrings so she's always with him and in a way that necklace becomes his lucky necklace in all his early races.

Speaking of races, his first race outfit wasn't the best quality at all. He didn't have much so he created the whole outfit from scratch and he actually used to hide his face no matter what, behind a poorly made train helmet, to hide from the risk of his dad finding him.

The longer he was away from that situation, the more he actually would hide behind the early version of the persona that he has now. He's always idolized Elvis and he holds a spot close to his heart for the singer, that he started slowly changing his appearance to look more like Elvis.

He started working out so he would never be seen as weak ever again.

Eventually, he made a big enough name for himself that he would get interviews on TV every now and then and that's how his dad found out about him still being alive. At first it didn't really click in his dad's head but the moment GB started speaking, his dad knew exactly that that was his son. (Yes he sounded more like Elvis but a father never forgets his son's voice)

So, his dad, as an anonymous donor, asked a young CB to crash GB in the next race. CB, not one down to turn down money did just that. And yes, that whole interaction had put GB out of many races and caused him to pawn off any and all belongings to pay for his hospital bills because any small sponsor he had managed to get dropped him.

(No one wants damaged goods)

and while GB is back to normal, he every now and then when he's super stressed, will feel his bones aching, like a phantom injury and he will start limping slightly because he never fully healed from that.

But now that he knew about CB would go to him and ask him to throw races in his favor, sometimes paying in sexual favors, sometimes in actual money. Because otherwise, he felt like he could never be at 100% and would always lose any race after his accident.

He needed the sponsors and money so he would do anything to get back into the top contenders.

He has major daddy issues that he and Dinah have discussed before. She's probably the only one who knows about GBs true past (aside from Pearl and Poppa and Momma)

Because of his trauma, he actually hates hearing even the word "daddy" so one night when CB accidentally lets it slip during one of their sexual encounters, GB slaps him. Thats the only time GB would actually hit anyone.

On that note, GB actually wont ever truly hurt anyone. For all he knew, Rusty actually did crash and all the damage was from that crash. He had no idea the Diesels roughed him up.

But one night when him and Rusty talk and he finds out about what actually happens, Electra has to get his components (namely Krupp and Killerwatt) to hold him back as GB unleashes hell and yells at the diesels. Like there is pure murder in his eyes.

Yes, sometimes GB hurts other trains during races but after every race they get an anonymous donor paying for all the repairs and a letter along with it with a long apology and flowers. (Dinah helps him spell check it)

GB has only cried twice since he was a child. Once when he found out his mother died (and thats the only time he would turn to alcohol. Otherwise he swears off of it completely) and second when he found out Dinah was pregnant.

GB is 100% terrified of thunderstorms because it reminds himself of his old living situation. Often times you can find him hiding in the closet or under the bed, pillows over his ears and under many layers of blankets.

He would actually be one to collect Squishmallows and other stuffed animals because he never got to as a kid. But whenever he gets any stuffed animal, Dinah names them. However, when his kids are born, he gets matching squishmallows with Norma Jean and Presely and names them after his kids. (Thats probably the only time he gets to name any stuffed animal)

GB actually really really loves Dinah. On the yard he may be this dick towards her but the moment he gets home he apologizes to Dinah profusely and will do anything she wants to make up for it.

He would NEVER do anything to hurt her and when she's pregnant will go above and beyond to be there for her. He even went to Dustin to ask for advice and tried to ask him to keep the fact that Dinah was pregnant under wraps (unfortunately, Dustin, being the sweetie that he is, cannot keep it under wraps and eventually the whole yard knows. Poppa actually gives him some of the best fatherly advice.)

When he finds out that Dinah is pregnant, however, he has multiple night terrors about his childhood. He becomes extremely scared that he'd be like his dad and both Dinah and Poppa reassure him that he's nothing like his dad. That in fact, he has more of his mom in him than he realizes. (Dinah even says he looks more like his mom than his dad, even though GB doesnt see it. She's also not one to admit that she actually knows that its true. She's seen a few ripped up pictures in the trash of his dad back when GB and her first started dating.)

Dinah is actually the one who helps GB compile all of the pictures of GB and his mom into a photo album. This photo album eventually has pictures of Dinah and GB and then Dinah, Norma Jean and GB and then Dinah, Norma Jean, GB and Presely. So its just one big happy book about everything right in his life.

One day, he even finds Norma Jean decorating it and Norma Jean, being the little kid she is is worried that her dad was going to be mad because it looks like he had a bad day at the yard and she just touched something that he cherished, even if she was trying to make it pretty, but GB actually tears up at it because its the cutest thing he's seen and now that book is just that much more special to him. He actually gets the whole family to do hand prints on the back and then sign their name underneath (with an addition of him writing "One Big Happy Family" underneath it all)

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Okay okay this has to be it for this post because there are just so many more headcanons and I wanted to end it on a happier note. So if anyone wants to know more I'll create a part two but for now this is what we've got because good god is it long.

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