#Find your identity and worth in Jesus

[eddiesguitarskills]

When We Were Young

Part 5

Ex bf Eddie Munson X fem reader

Other parts 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Intro: 5 years have past since you packed up and left behind Hawkins. Well not all of it, as the people you met there are still a huge part of your life. But it's been 5 years since you had set a foot in the small town, 5 years since you left him.And now after all that time you were back.

Warning: angst, language, mentions of suicide, miscarriages, self harm, mental health.Arguments. Mentions of break ups. Female identity reader. Use of y/n

Bold parts are flashbacks

Word Count: 4.3 k

A/n: please only read if you are in a good place, I wouldn't want this story to trigger or hurt anyone. This took a while to write again, I just don’t want to rush it. Sorry for the wait hope you enjoy. Buckle in for this rollercoaster of a chapter

Not prove read

The first week of school had been hectic, to say the least, you had expected that. But it genuinely felt like you haven't been able to sit down once, you thought by having all your lesson prepared there wouldn't be too much work other than classes. However, you wanted to make good connections at your new place of work. Especially since a lot of the teachers at the school were there when you were a teenager, you felt like they still saw you as a kid not ready for this responsibility.

Steve fit in so well, he was always better with older people. It was easier for him he was a charmer. You on the other hand were better with kids/teenagers they were easier to read. Your wanting to fit in had led you to have multiple jobs, you felt like this was a test from the other teachers, like a form of hazing so you just said yes and went along with it. You helped organise books in the library. Ran after-school detention. Had to watch the canteen at lunchtime. You were on a permanent coffee run. You had even fallen into the trap of helping to repaint a wall with the school janitor. You were honestly surprised you had any time to teach in between everything you were doing.

Steve had told you “you don't need to do that to fit in. You'll find your place you always do”. But you didn't know how long that might take so you went along with it. It felt worth it when you were invited to drink after school at the local bar on Friday. You knew Steve didn't go to these things which made you nervous, but you knew you would have to start to exist in this town without your crutch.

Which is why you were now standing arm-to-arm with your new colleagues in a packed Hideout. It had improved since the last time you had been there. However despite its new paint, new artwork on the walls. Even with a new sign with a new name, Waterdeep, It still felt the same. The exact same as the night you and Eddie properly met. Nothing had changed. While listening to your colleagues share memories, ignoring your existence, you look around to see what was still there since you last came. You wonder if your’s and Eddie’s initials would still be carved on the table near the toilets. Most people avoided that table so as a teenager in love you thought this would be the best spot to leave the mark of your love.

Sweat dripping from every inch of his body, Eddie jumps from the small stage guitar still strapped to him, over to you. He grabs your cheeks and kisses you deeply. You were glad to be held because you think you would have fallen if not. You had already gone weak at the knees tonight when you heard Eddie’s new song dedicated to you, singing about you being the one. “Did you like it?” You nod your head. “Better than anything I’ve ever heard. Did you mean it?”. Eddie smiles “as I said in the song I don’t care if people think I’m young, and dumb. I know one thing, you are the one I will love for the rest of time”. Heat starts to rise to your cheeks. “When did you get so soft?” He grabs your ass from under your skirts. “Maybe it’s when I saw your rocking body” he joked because he loved you for more than that. But Jesus he would happily worship your body every day. That would be the only religion he would need.

You smacked his chest playfully, then dragged him to where you were sitting. He placed you on his lap in the booth at the table, kissing your ear and your neck. He couldn’t keep his hands off you. You giggled but could also feel more than butterflies starting to rise in your body. You took his hand from your waist and pulled it under the table “eager” he said not understanding that you weren’t trying to ‘play’ in the bar. He put his hand on your leg running up and down it. “Eddie, I didn’t mean that”. He looked glum but quickly removed his hand not wanting to make you uncomfortable. “At least not here at least”. You spoke so only he could hear you. You pulled his hand under the table again and let him feel it. He felt the outline of both your initials carved into the wood. He smiled. “So no matter where we go our mark will always be on the first place we met”. He pulled you in for another kiss, then moved you off his lap. Reaching into his pocket. “In that case, it has to be someone less hidden than under the table. I think our love at least deserves the top of it”. It was silly but I’m that moment it felt like the most romantic thing. At that time everything Eddie did felt like the most romantic thing to ever happen.

You couldn't stop staring at the table, wondering if it was still there. That might be the only proof you have that your love was real. That you were happy together, that at one point he loved you. “What world have you travelled off to now?” You spun around to the sound of the low gravelly voice. You should have put two and two together and realised if Eddie was to own any bar of course it would be this one. It held so many memories for him. It was of his safe places where he could completely be himself. Maybe it wasn't the original dream for him but it made so much sense. It was like this job was always meant for him. You were happy for him.

Eddie had not expected to see you here. Despite how he was acting he was nervous but strangely happy to see you. This could be his only chance to talk to you. He thought you might avoid him for the rest of his life for how he treated you last time you had spoke. Sure you had said some things and you had still hurt him, but hearing about the breakdown made him feel guilty. He felt like the guilt was eating him alive or maybe it was the wondering that was doing that, (if he saw the signs he could have helped?). The problem is when he had these internal battles in his head he always stubbornly ended up with the same thought, that you left him before he had a chance to fix it. Part of him wanted to apologize but he didn't know 100% what for and he was sure he wasn't supposed to know about what happened. Dustin said it wasn't public knowledge, only Steve was allowed to know. It was always Steve. Even now he felt jealous that you always completely let Steve into your world and he had only got a chance to dip his foot in. Even worse now he was out of it altogether.

He was so nervous that he thought about not talking to you, and hiding in the back until you left. That would be pathetic he thought, but he was tempted. That was until he watched you more intensively and noticed how the people you were with were ignoring you completely but then again you weren't trying with them. It looked like you had given up on interacting, he couldn't blame you he recognize many of the faces of his old teacher and he wouldn't want to talk to them either. But this was your new job, you need to try with them. You couldn't shut down. It wasn’t his responsibility to make you feel less lonely or at ease but he didn’t want have something else to feel guilty about. Maybe he couldn't trust you with his heart but he could give you an olive branch.

He noticed you still hadn't said anything and had gone back to daydreaming, he used to think you had the cutest face when you went into a trance. You still did. He almost didn't want to break you from it again, but the longer you were there the more he panicked. He remembers what you said about this place at the Harrington’s, saying it wasn't his dream like he was a failure. Were you judging him? He wanted to put on a front like he didn't care what you thought, but he couldn't stop thinking about it.

“Welcome to my almost dream” you both cringed at his words. “It looks good”. You didn't know what to say. You wanted to tell him you were proud, but it wasn't your place anymore. He hoped you meant that. Those few words were something he didn't know he needed until he heard them from your mouth. “The usual?” he smiled. You were a creature of habit, but maybe you had changed he thought. Maybe this was a small test to find out what was the Same and what was new about you. Every time he remembered you drinking, you would have a vodka and coke. Only half a shot of vodka though. It always felt like the safest drink. “Just a coke. I can't drink anymore”. Why did you tell him that? Can't. The word made him thinking you not drinking wasn’t by choice. He wanted to ask. The word don't and can't are very different but it wasn't his place anymore. “Coming right up”.

He pours a coke from the tap and slides it over to you. “How much?” he shakes his head. “Call it mates rates” he uses a stupid British accent to impersonate you. He regrets it instantly when you don't laugh or smile. How could you smile when you were face to face with the fact that the old Eddie was still in there? The one you loved. Did he flirt with all the customers? Was he just being nice? Was there more to it? Did he notice you looking glum and was trying to cheer you up? Why would he care?

It made sense if you were being rational about it, there was nothing more to it then the fact that he couldn't be cruel like usual in front of the customers. He had to be pretend to be nice but that didn’t stop your heart from stupidly beating slight faster. You knew the old Eddie would unfortunately for you never be real again. A glimpse was all it would ever be, he would slip back to the Eddie who hated you on your next meeting. The thought hurt more than you would like to admit. “I didn't know we were friends” you mutter. It sounded like a dig, you didn't exactly mean it to, but it was a fact.

Silence followed after your statement, you assumed with how busy the bar was, Eddie would use this as his excuse to leave. He had been civil enough for the evening he could go, but he stayed. Thinking about what to say next. Sure you were right, you weren't exactly friends, but you weren't strangers, and given the new information he knew about you, he couldn't bring himself to hate you. So where did that leave you two? The silence was killing you, it felt like all the noise from the bar had disappeared and the only sound you could hear was the gears turning in his head.

You look around the room for anything to mention to stop whatever this was. You see the stage, with a drum set at the back and a microphone. “Do you still play?” He was very thankful for your change of topic and even more thankful you were still talking to him. He wanted to enjoy these few moments with you. He shakes his head. Your stomach sank. You hated that, he was good. Maybe he wasn't amazing enough to break out of the state, but he was still good. You used to love singing with him in his trailer while he played the guitar. You could have never imagined he would have given up something that made him so happy. You wondered what other happiness he had deprived himself of. “Why?” He shrugs his shoulders and mutters “because it made me think of you”. You shouldn't have been able to hear him with how low he spoke, especially with how loud the atmosphere was but he was all you were focused on right now and his words felt like another knife being twisted in you.

It showed you that no matter how hard he pretends to be nice or civil with you, he still looks down on you and blames all his down comings on you. “Oh, so it's my fault”. God he hoped you hadn't even heard it and now you thought he was insulting you. Eddie Munson could not win with you, he ran his hand through his hair. Keep calm, you are doing so well. She is just trying to get a raise out of you he told himself. “That’s not what I meant sweetheart,” he says walking off to the other end of the bar to help the other bartenders. Your heart was beating so fast you were sure you were having a heart attack. You guessed it could be a panic attack but it didn't feel like that. Could it be... No, you shake your head of course not.

“ I see some things never change” you turn around to see Mrs O’donald your old teacher giggling into her chardonnay. “You two were always joined at the hip, I hope he doesn't get you into trouble anymore. I always thought you could do better than him” she slurred her words. It was weird seeing someone who used to be your teacher and who was now your colleague drunk. She always had an issue with Eddie, you always thought it was people like her that was at fault for his failures. Sure he could have put more effort in but it's hard to do that when the people who are supposed to teach you don't even have your back. That's part of the reason you wanted to be a teacher to help kids like Eddie, show they can do it and are worth it. But to hear her still look down on him, pissed you off. You smiled the fakest smile and grabbed your coke off the bar downing it. “Looks like he's doing pretty good to me. I guess you and everyone else were wrong about him. In fact he did all this without your help” with that you left.

The next morning you woke up glad for it to be a Saturday, it had dawned on you what you had said. You were better than that, you could usually bite your tongue. You had worked so hard to fit in and now you had gone against one of the top dogs at school, you hoped it was just your anxiety making you worry and school would be fine. You should have kept your mouth shut. After everything he had done to you, you were still defending him. You felt like a fool. So like a fool, you spend the rest of the weekend in bed hardly eating, walling in self-pity. Ignoring the phone.

As soon as Monday came around you knew you couldn't avoid the world anymore. Maybe it wasn't as big of a deal as you were making it. You hoped it had been forgotten about. Whatever the case you needed to sort out your thoughts, you couldn't teach like this. You were thankful for the first period being free. You sat at the desk eating a cereal bar making sure the scripts from Romeo and Juliet were ready for your next lesson with the juniors. You heard a tap on the door, “come in”.

Steve looked at you and shook his head. “So you are alive then” you want to roll your eyes at him, but you hate to think he was worrying about you all weekend. After what happened you knew better than to just shut out the world or at least better than to shut out Steve. “I'm sorry it was a weird weekend”. He gulped worried that something bad had happened, he knew he should have just come around to your house to check on you. “Weird like how everyone is saying you and Eddie are dating or did something else happen?” He decides to mix a joke in about the rumours in the staff room to disguise his worry. He knows you and Eddie had been seen talking on Friday. He hoped it was better than the last time you were in a room together. He hoped Eddie wasn’t to blame for you shutting Steve out all weekend.

You groan and slam your head on the desk. You didn't think that's the gossip that would be spread. You didn't want to have your name linked to Eddie anymore. “Jesus I should have kept my mouth shut, you can't talk to anyone in this town without it being news. All I did was defend him one time”. Steve looked at you confused “wait so you spoke to him, didn’t kill each other. Then defended him. Are you okay?”. You fake laugh. “seriously though I don't know if it's a good idea for you two to be friends, I don't want you to get hurt again”. The school bell rang “I get it, dad, now you better go I have class”.

Eddie had also had a weird weekend but he didn't have the chance to stay inside all weekend like you. He had to go to work. He wishes he hadn’t overheard you standing up for him. It played over and over in his head. Your being back in town had caused more questions. Nothing made sense. He assumed you hated him or didn't like him anymore so you left but why would you stand up for someone you didn't care about? He guessed you were just being nice but it felt like more than that. Before he even had a chance to ask you or thank you, you had left.

He had Monday off work, so he decided this would be his day to go wallow and figure out what this all meant. As soon as one pm hit, he got a call from Dustin so he had to postpone his wallowing. He was thankful for his friend's constant chatter it was a nice distraction from thinking about you. About two hours after that the doorbell rang to signal someone was at his door. Maybe it was you. He had gone a full two hours without thinking about you and now as soon as his brain had a chance to drift to you, it did. It made no sense either why you would be at the door, you didn’t even know where he lived anymore. Even if it was you, what you be here for? What would you even talk about? It made no sense to want you here, but he couldn’t control his thoughts. All rationality had him left since you came back.

He opened the door to reveal Sarah with food from his favourite diner in her hand. With the tight white dress she was wearing that left nothing to imagination he knew exactly what she was after and it wasn’t the food. So he pushed the weird thoughts he was having about you to the back of his mind and took Sarah up on her offer. He didn’t feel like he was using her, he was always upfront about their relationship. He had told her he couldn’t date anybody, and she agreed, saying she only wanted fun. So as long as it didn’t affect work and both knew they could stop this whenever. It felt nice to have an outlet to forget without strings attracted.

Eddie had help Sarah get off a few times but when she tried to return the favour, they were having issues. Eddie was so stressed and thoughts were still consumed with you that he could only get a semi at most. This had never happened before, Sarah felt embarrassed and Eddie felt mortified. Especially since you had already ruined the hope of him ever being in a relationship, now he couldn’t even have sex because of the thought of you. He got out a pre-rolled joint from his bedside table and began to smoke it. He hardly smoked weed anymore. At most once a month but he knew it would help him relax so hopefully he could sort his problem and try again with Sarah.

Halfway through the joint, the house phone started ringing again. He assumed it must be Dustin to finish the conversation they were having before Sarah came. He hoped talking to his friend would help him forget again, so he raced out of the room to the phone. He was about to pick up when he realised he still had the blunt in his mouth. He stubbed it out remembering his promise to Dustin to try and quit. He didn’t want to disappoint him. He then picked up the phone, “sorry I had to hang up before, but I’m free now if you wanna talk again”.

“Sorry to disappoint but I’m definitely not who you were expecting”. Eddie stopped himself from sighing, he hadn’t spoken to Steve in a few weeks. He and Steve being friends, Eddie would have never expected it, in fact, he thought when you left, him and Steve would hate each other forever. However, that’s the thing about this group they had shared trauma and would never leave a man behind. Steve followed this most out of everyone he checked in with the group at least once a week, and with Eddie being around the same age they talked a lot. They in fact grew to be good friends, even if Steve was always a little hesitant to let Eddie fully in. Not hearing from Steve for weeks was weird, but right now it felt weirder to be hearing from him.

“So I heard you and y/n spoke”. Eddie pulls the cord as far as it could stretch so he could sit down at the kitchen table. It felt like a conversation he would have to sit for, otherwise, he would pace back and forth. “Hello to you too, how was work? Great thanks for asking. Been up to much? Not really- ” Steve fake laughs. “Yeah I get it sorry, it’s just y/n is important to me”. Well, that felt like a slap to in face, he knew that. Everyone knew that. He didn’t appreciate being treated like he was dumb by someone he would have called a close friend only a few weeks ago. He hadn’t done anything wrong so why was he getting ambushed? “You two have a history, and I don’t know if it’s a good idea for you two to be friends”. Eddie's leg uncomfortable shaked under the table, “I can't win with you either I'm too mean or I'm too friendly. What do you want me to do?”

Steve tried to stutter out a response, not sure of what he was asking of Eddie. “I get that… it’s just… it’s just…she’s been through a lot”. Eddie's leg shakes more “I know which is why I’m trying to be nicer” he wished he still had the joint right now. “You didn’t care before, why do you care now? Is this some stupid plan to get revenge?”. Whenever it came to you, Steve would get over-protective, and say the most ridiculous things. Eddie had done nothing wrong this time and yet he was still getting told off. He slammed his fists on the table and stood up unable to control his legs. “Jesus if I’m such a bad guy why have you let me around your daughter? If I’m so bad why are we friends?” The insecure side of Eddie wanted a response, wanted to be told he was being dramatic that of course they were friends. Steve wanted to say that but was too stunned to speak. “Fuck I was just a placeholder. You know I wondered when she came back if I would get replaced but I should have known. Me and you were never gonna be friends. I was just a stand in. I didn’t even make you choose but you always chose her. I think you forget she didn’t just leave me, she left you too. I wonder how long until she gets sick of us again and leaves”. Eddie knew he had hit a nerve when he was met with silence. He didn’t need to say anything else but he couldn’t help himself, why not put an extra nail in the coffin of Steve and his relationship? “You act like you are her protector but you didn’t protect her from that breakdown did you?” A low blow from Eddie he knew that, but he said words that he knew would hurt Steve most.

A bang followed by mumblings of Nancy could be heard through the receiver. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Steve had punched a hole through a wall. “Maybe you’re right maybe we could never be friends because I would never be friends with someone responsible for my best friend trying to kil” the phone hung up. Kil- what did that mean? Surely not kill? Kill what? Kill who? Yourself? No. You wouldn’t? He guessed a breakdown could lead to that. But not you. Never you. Steve was just trying to get to him. The men knew each other well, he was just using his weakness like Eddie had used Steve’s. The words meant nothing surely. Rage started filling his body, along with fear and anxiety. He needed to get it out. To curse out the world. Steve. You. Himself. He flipped the table in front of him but it wasn’t enough. So he destroyed everything in his sight but none of it was enough. None of it helped. None of it answered his questions.

A/n: I hope you enjoyed this. Yikes Steve and Eddie’s relationship has really gone sour :( I liked that I didn’t just have to write y/n and Eddie arguing/hating each-other for once.

Taglists

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#Spotify #eddie munson angst #eddie munson fic #eddie munson x reader #stranger things angst #eddie munson fan fiction #eddie munson x yn #older eddie munson #stranger things imagines #stranger things

[zuffer-weird-girl]

I was so excited for your requests opening my brain short circuited

Okok so can I get a fic of Overhaul/Dabi/Chrono with a s/o who pulls hard candy so they are very stronk?

Stares at you with a look you swear he is about to puke but at the same time judging you so hard everything you show to him working on those candies.

Doesn't matter if you do use gloves, he thinks is disgusting.

He doesn't know it either, really. Is just the way that thing stretching that gives him shivers... really, he just feels triggered about it.

The fact you're strong like that to pull hard candy on a daily basis gives a tiny lil bit of relief since he worries about you being a target to heroes or rivals of him and Yada Yada you know the deal.

Pls don't offer to teach him how to do your own job, he is the disgust masked as a person.

If you somehow make a image on the candy of his liking he still won't eat it, but he will have that rare soft look on his amber eyes and thank you with a slight nod.

He will somehow use his intelligence to make the package or just the tiny candy impossible to go spoiled and just keep as a ornament.

Won't eat hard candy. Not after how you explained to him how it works.

Now this mf you will be screwed.

Dabi is all bad boy fuck the world vibes but he has such a sweet tooth you're afraid the dude developing diabetes.

He is although picky about, but still, once the cremation user finds a type of sugary treat he likes is game over.

And to your dismay he does like hard candy.

Is a bit smug and shows you off to who he can about how strong you are and that you can pull this off.

Just had that tiny smirk on his face when he saw this for the first time and was just like "look at my doll, they can break anyone noses easily if they can pull this shit, isn't it cute?"

I mean, he watched you do it once or twice and saw videos of it so he just mentally clap his hands in appreciation to you because holy shit-

When you brought a lil package of a bunch of hard candy to him with a image of a black kitty with blue eyes this boy just melts.

Is gone in less than five minutes....

"Dabi you're gonna give yourself a stomach ache!"

"Worth it."

"DABI-!"

Actually offered to help you.

Different than the two from above, he does have a interest on how to make and can go to the store where you work and offer help since well, his identity is safe and all. He isn't disgusted by it.

I headcanon that Hari is the type of guy who likes sour candy... for some reason. I don't know it's just fits.

Proud boi. He, much like Dabi, prides himself of your strength and what you can do.

Mimic and Chisaki are sick of hearing your name by the way. From how much Kurono speaks.

Man actually widened his eyes so hard the first time he saw you working on these stuff he just looked at you like 0_0 "Jesus babe you're STRONG-"

He likes the part where you guys chip the candy so he can see the details of it. So he actually asked you to show him so he could pull it off.

Man is actually good at it.

Actually carries a bit of the candy you make along with him, not because he is addicted but he just likes to remember of you while eating it.

Ah, his are sour type of btw

Rappa stole one.

Rappa cursed him to no ends from how sore that fucking thing was as Hari just stood there with a murderous look because "THAT WAS MINE-"

#overhaul x reader #chisaki kai x reader #dabi x reader #touya todoroki x reader #chrono x reader #kurono hari x reader #bnha villains #bnha villains x reader #zuffer writings

[sharri-byfaith]

Overcoming Spiritual Warfare: Finding Victory in Christ

In the journey of faith, there are times when our spirit wrestles with our flesh, and the enemy seeks to sow seeds of doubt and discouragement in our hearts. It's during these challenging moments that we must stand firm in the truth of God's word and wield the weapons of our spiritual warfare. Here's how to combat the lies of the enemy and find victory in Christ:

Identify the Enemy's Tactics: The devil is described as the "father of lies" (John 8:44), and his primary strategy is to deceive and discourage God's people. When negative thoughts and doubts assail your mind, recognize them as the enemy's attempts to undermine your faith and steal your peace.

Speak Truth in Jesus' Name: "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." - James 4:7. When the enemy tries to convince you that God has forgotten you or that you're unworthy of His love, boldly declare the truth of God's word. Command those thoughts to flee in the name of Jesus, for His authority is greater than any lie of the enemy.

Remember Your Identity in Christ: "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." - 1 Peter 2:9. When the enemy seeks to attack your identity and worth, remind yourself of who you are in Christ. You are chosen, redeemed, and dearly loved by God, and nothing can separate you from His love (Romans 8:38-39).

Put on the Armor of God: "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." - Ephesians 6:11. Equip yourself with the spiritual armor described in Ephesians 6:10-18, including the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. By putting on this armor, you will be able to withstand the enemy's attacks and stand firm in your faith.

Seek Support and Prayer: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2. Don't face spiritual battles alone. Reach out to fellow believers who can pray for you, offer encouragement, and speak truth into your life. Together, you can find strength and victory in Christ.

Abide in God's Presence: "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you." - Isaiah 26:3. Spend time in prayer, worship, and meditation on God's word. As you abide in His presence, He will fill you with His peace and strength, enabling you to overcome every trial and temptation.

In conclusion, when your spirit is at war with your flesh, and the enemy seeks to sow doubt and discouragement in your heart, stand firm in the truth of God's word. Command the lies of the enemy to flee in Jesus' name, remember your identity in Christ, and put on the armor of God. By seeking support from fellow believers and abiding in God's presence, you can experience victory over spiritual warfare and walk in the freedom and power of Christ.

Sharri Van Zyl

05-03-2024

#belief in jesus #bible #byfaith #byfaithchurch #christianity #follow jesus #god #jesus is the only way #jesus loves us #jesusisking #faith in jesus #christian faith #faith in god #faith #faithoverfear #keep the faith #jesussaves

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: March

this month I am keeping it QUICK and I am keeping it DIRTY. mostly the former, because I've only managed to finish four (four!!!!) books this month so I Do Not have a lot to say. please pray for a more fruitful April.

what have I been reading?

Babel, or the Necessity of Violence: An Arcane History of the Oxford Translators' Revolution (R.F. Kuang, 2022) - first of all I must once again thank the unfathomably generous @fabledshadow for sending me a copy of this gorgeous book FOR KEEPSIES at absolutely no charge. I genuinely feel so lucky to have a copy on my shelf now, because Babel is a book that's 100% worth the hype. it's an absolutely brilliant alternate magic history, where the British empire is chugging along consuming the world with one small change: magic, powered by the power of the translated word. from this relatively simple premise Kuang launches into a relentless interrogation of colonialism, power, and assimilation. our protagonist Robin and his friends in the translation department - Ramy, an Indian Muslim; Victoire, a Black Haitian; and Letty, a white Englishwoman - all grapple with the allure of achievement within the white patriarchy of Oxford, as well as the question of what to do when you realize the system you gave your life was never going to love you back. after countless stories of milquetoast centrist both-sideism Babel was a thundering read, and I relished its rage slowly building up in little outrages to a bloody dynamite ending.

Hijab Butch Blues (Lamya H, 2023) - a really heartfelt and thought-provoking memoir that I could not put down. Lamya (a pen name the author uses; her identity is unknown) makes fascinating connections between stories from the Quran and her own experiences growing up Muslim, closeted, queer, and Othered anywhere she went. I especially loved an early chapter in which Lamya lays out her reasons for resonating with a young Maryam, mother of Jesus, as a despondently depressed teen, and describes her sense that Maryam must also be a dyke. Lamya really excels here, empathizing with all the most long-suffering religious figures and finding interpretations that make that suffering make sense, finding ways out and through the pain into a better ending. as with any essay collection that draws on saying x is sort of like y, the connections sometimes feel a little tenuous, but through a lot of thorny, complicated feelings this memoir manages to feel like a little bubble of meditative calm that was an absolute balm to read.

Get A Life, Chloe Brown (Talia Hibbert, 2019) - this month's romance novel was also my first foray into heterosexualty, and I have to say: not impressed! the titular Chloe Brown is, I'm going to be real with you, kind of the worst; I can obviously excuse the trust issues that stem from being abandoned by her fiance and friends after becoming chronically ill, and taking no shit from nosy neighbors performing the classic microaggression of touching Chloe's hair, but it's also casually noted that after an elderly neighbor in her apartment complex mistakenly took Chloe's mail Chloe retaliated by dumping hot tea into the neighbor's mailbox? unhinged. her love interest, Red, is also a mess; he's presented as a "bad boy" per the back cover blurb, but all that ever really amounts to is him having a motorcycle, many tattoos, and a lower class upbringing. class is a recurring point of tension between Chloe, who comes from a fabulously wealthy family, and Red, who's got some #trauma from a previous wealthy girlfriend who once stabbed him with a fork, but it plays out in remarkably silly ways. during one memorable (in a bad way) scene the pair enter an art gallery where the wealthy patrons all immediately turn and glare at Red for the crime of [checks notes] wearing a flannel, acting physically afraid of him as if they can smell the poverty wafting off. the sex scenes are mid (points for Red jacking off, though I wish the narration hadn't made a point of noting his hefty sac) and the romance plotline just isn't hefty enough to carry an entire novel, since there's no REAL conflict except for Chloe and Red's refusal to get along with each other. when the third act misunderstanding arrives it's gnarly, with Red screaming vile accusations at Chloe before immediately changing his mind and bombarding her with gifts until she takes him back. there are stories where I can overlook that kind of thing, but a book where I was bored for the first 95% and have no investment in the characters ain't it.

How Far the Light Reaches: A Life in Ten Sea Creatures (Sabrina Imbler, 2023) - if you guys know anything about me you know that 1.) I love the sea and all her creatures and 2.) I'm a big ol' homo, so this queer memoir-in-essays had me extremely excited. Imbler is a tremendous essayist, drawing connections between their life and cuttlefish, whales, and salps with a striking mix of appreciation and exactitude. Imbler marvels without getting maudlin, always shying away at the tasteful point well before their speculation becomes full anthropomorphization. I was particularly taken with "My Mother and the Starving Octopus," a painfully familiar reflection upon the uncomfortable relationship with food and weight that's so often passed from mother to daughter, and "Beware the Sand Striker," a thoughtful pontification on sexual violence and the murky places where consent is unclear. Imbler thrives in ambiguity: the ongoing question of their own biracial identity and what it means to them, the metamorphosis of their own gender, the beauty to be found even in aggressively invasive goldfish species. it's fitting that a life represented through the ocean - deep and dark, ever-changing and largely unexplored - is comfortable not having rock solid answers to everything, and I loved joining Imbler in that gentle, shifting space.

what am I reading now?

Necropolitics (Achille Mbembe, 2011) - this book is so smart and I am so dumb :/

The Priory of the Orange Tree (Samantha Shannon, 2019) - I finally started this stupid fucking behemoth of a book and I'm enraged to report that I'll probably really like it. unfortunately I almost immediately to put it on pause while I try to finish 869000 other books :/

White Noise (Don DeLillo, 1985) - every once in a while I venture away from my safe TBR list; this one crossed my path thanks to a coworker who's reading it for a class and lent me her copy. I have no idea how to explain this without making it sound awful but it's a fascinating read.

Cursed Bunny (Bora Chung, trans. Anton Hur, 2022) - my interest in this short story collection was piqued when I saw a writer describe it as some of the grossest shit they've ever read, and I'll be honest: the story I've gotten around to is some of the grossest shit I've ever read. dead dove, do not eat.

#bookblr #reading updates

[yayroos]

got this notif on my sideblog. a little while ago as you can see.

I've let the blog go dormant but it still gets notes every once in a while on a couple of posts that got popular over the years.

Do that math. Late 2023 - 8 years makes late 2015.

Gotta say, not the best possible time to be a kid with a brand new ace pride blog and no idea how fucking vile the internet could be

(it was asexual-and-proud for several years before i came to terms with and eventually came to prioritise my aromanticism over my asexuality)

I still don't know completely how i feel about everything that went down on that blog. I'm proud it's still up, with record of at least some of the last 8 years worth of ace and aro community on this website.

There's things on there you'd struggle to find anywhere else, with how many blogs were deleted or privated. For that reason if nothing else I'm unlikely to ever get rid of that sideblog, and I hope it can be some kind of artefact in future of that era.

But i can barely bring myself to look at it anymore. The handful of times i have i've been drawn to the delete button, so i can erase the risk of all that shit coming back down on me and on us.

I'm not gonna rehash shit that happened because I'm tired but fucking jesus it was bad.

i don't really have a point here, other than to say

a) fuck you if you were an exclusionist, and especially if you've never apologised

b) double extra bonus fuck you if you're still discoursing about whatever queer identity is cool to hate now

and c) up yours, I'm still here and so is my blog.

#discourse tw

[frmartinshomiliesandreflections]

21st March >> Fr. Martin's Reflections / Homilies on Today's Mass Readings (Inc. John 8:51-59) for Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent: ‘Before Abraham ever was, I am’.

Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

Gospel (Except USA) John 8:51-59 Your father Abraham saw my Day and was glad.

Jesus said to the Jews:

‘I tell you most solemnly, whoever keeps my word will never see death.’

The Jews said, ‘Now we know for certain that you are possessed. Abraham is dead, and the prophets are dead, and yet you say, “Whoever keeps my word will never know the taste of death.” Are you greater than our father Abraham, who is dead? The prophets are dead too. Who are you claiming to be?’ Jesus answered:

‘If I were to seek my own glory that would be no glory at all; my glory is conferred by the Father, by the one of whom you say, “He is our God” although you do not know him. But I know him, and if I were to say: I do not know him, I should be a liar, as you are liars yourselves. But I do know him, and I faithfully keep his word. Your father Abraham rejoiced to think that he would see my Day; he saw it and was glad.’

The Jews then said, ‘You are not fifty yet, and you have seen Abraham!’ Jesus replied:

‘I tell you most solemnly, before Abraham ever was, I Am.’

At this they picked up stones to throw at him; but Jesus hid himself and left the Temple.

Gospel (USA) John 8:51-59 Your father, Abraham, rejoiced because he saw my day.

Jesus said to the Jews: “Amen, amen, I say to you, whoever keeps my word will never see death.” So the Jews said to him, “Now we are sure that you are possessed. Abraham died, as did the prophets, yet you say, ‘Whoever keeps my word will never taste death.’ Are you greater than our father Abraham, who died? Or the prophets, who died? Who do you make yourself out to be?” Jesus answered, “If I glorify myself, my glory is worth nothing; but it is my Father who glorifies me, of whom you say, ‘He is our God.’ You do not know him, but I know him. And if I should say that I do not know him, I would be like you a liar. But I do know him and I keep his word. Abraham your father rejoiced to see my day; he saw it and was glad.” So the Jews said to him, “You are not yet fifty years old and you have seen Abraham?” Jesus said to them, “Amen, amen, I say to you, before Abraham came to be, I AM.” So they picked up stones to throw at him; but Jesus hid and went out of the temple area.

Reflections (10)

(i) Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

It is often worth reflecting on the questions that people ask Jesus in the gospels. We have one such question in today’s gospel reading. The religious leaders of the time ask Jesus, ‘Who are you claiming to be?’ It is a question we could all ask, ‘Who does Jesus claim to be?’ In response to this question Jesus claims to have a special relationship with God as his Father, ‘my glory is conferred by the Father… I know him and I faithfully keep his word’. He goes on to say that he existed before Abraham, the ancestor of the Jewish people, ‘I tell you most solemnly, before Abraham ever was, I Am’. Indeed, according to the opening verse of this fourth gospel, Jesus existed before creation. ‘In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God’, and the gospel immediately goes on to state, ‘All things came into being through him’. This is who Jesus claims to be and people struggled to grasp the richness, the fullness, of his identity. That is true of all of us today. There is always so much more to Jesus than we realize. We spend our lives seeking him, trying to come to know him better, growing in our relationship with him, so that, in the words of today’s gospel reading, we can keep his word, live according to his word, and, thereby, find life. That call to keep seeking the Lord is well expressed in today’s psalm, ‘Constantly seek his face’. One of the ways we do that is in prayer. In prayer we seek the Lord who is constantly seeking us. Through our prayer we come to know more fully who the Lord claims to be, who he really is.

And/Or

(ii) Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

Jesus makes many great promises in the gospel of John and we find one of them in this morning’s gospel reading, ‘whoever keeps my word will never know the taste of death’. Jesus declares that his words are the source of life, and if we listen to his word and try to live by it then we will share in God’s own life, here and now and, more fully, beyond the moment of our physical death. Elsewhere in John’s gospel, Peter says to Jesus, ‘you have the words of eternal life’. In this morning’s gospel reading, Jesus declares that he faithful keeps his Father’s word. Our calling is to faithfully keep Jesus’ word. Our relationship with Jesus is to be modelled on his relationship with the Father. If we faithfully keep Jesus’ word, as he faithfully kept his Father’s word, then we will know its life-giving power in our lives. We greatly value the gift of the Eucharist, because it is the bread of life. We equally value the Lord’s word, because it is the word of life.

And/Or

(iii) Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

In this morning’s gospel reading the Jews ask Jesus the question, ‘Are you greater than our father, Abraham?’ It was inconceivable to them that anyone could be greater than Abraham, or greater than Moses for that matter. In the course of his reply to that question Jesus says, ‘I tell you solemnly, before Abraham ever was, I am’. Jesus claims to have existed before Abraham. That saying of Jesus brings us back to the opening sentence of John’s gospel, ‘In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God’. The evangelist was aware that such an extraordinary claim could not be made of anyone else, not even Abraham. We look to Jesus as the one who was with God before the creation of the world, who was God, and who became flesh for our sakes, and in becoming flesh, became obedient unto death, even death on a cross, in the words of Saint Paul. That is the extraordinary paradox at the heart of our faith, that the crucified one is none other than the Word who was with God in the beginning, before Abraham was. Next week is Holy Week when we reflect on this paradox and bow before its mystery.

And/Or

(iv) Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

The passion and death of Jesus was the climax of the hostility that some people directed at Jesus. That hostility is very evident in this morning’s gospel reading. The Jewish leaders were ready to stone Jesus for what he had been saying. It is a paradox that Jesus who was put to death came for one purpose only, to give life, to draw people into the life of God. He declares to his hostile audience in this morning’s gospel reading, ‘whoever keeps my word will never see death... will never know the taste of death’. It is an extraordinary promise. If we hear the Lord’s word and live by it we will never lose the life that his word gives us. We will of course experience physical death, but if we give ourselves over to the Lord’s word we will begin to live with a life which even physical death will not destroy. The life Jesus speaks about is the fruit of our relationship with him, and that relationship is not broken by death but, on the contrary, deepens beyond death.

And/Or

(v) Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

In this morning’s gospel reading Jesus says that he does not seek his own glory but that his glory is conferred by his Father. In that culture, seeking glory, honour, renown for oneself was a very important value. In this regard, as in so many other ways, Jesus stood against the culture. He did not seek glory for himself but he trusted in God to give him glory in God’s own time. He was critical of those who sought glory from others, who looked for earthly honours. In this morning’s gospel reading Jesus says, ‘I faithfully keep his word (God’s word)’. This was the driving force of Jesus’ life, not seeking glory for himself from others. He knew that if he faithfully kept God’s word, he would receive glory from God. The driving force of Jesus’ life is to be the driving force of all of our lives. Our primary desire as Jesus’ followers is to faithfully keep God’s word, as he did. If we keep trying to be faithful to God’s word, as spoken and lived by Jesus, then we are assured that we will receive glory from God; we will be honoured by God, and this is the only glory and honour worth having.

And/Or

(vi) Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

In last Monday’s gospel reading, the religious leaders were ready to stone a woman whom they had brought to Jesus. In this morning’s gospel reading, the same group pick up stones in order to stone Jesus. They wanted to stone the woman because she had sinned by committing adultery; they wanted to stone Jesus because of the claims that he was making for himself, such as his claim that he existed before Abraham was born. This would have been considered by them as the sin of blasphemy. A certain kind of religious conviction can express itself in violence towards others who are perceived to be sinners for one reason or another. We are very aware of that phenomenon today. The worshippers of a certain kind of God feel obliged to kill those who are perceived as worshipping a very different God to their own. In contrast, genuine religion drives people to seek communion with those who are very different from them. Jesus was not stoned on this occasion, but as we know he would eventually be crucified. Yet, God would raise Jesus from the dead and send him back into the world where he had been crucified to continue proclaiming his message of God’s love for the world, including for those who crucified God’s Son. This is the God whom we are called to reveal in our lives. We are to bear witness to God the Life-Giver. In the power of the Spirit, we are to be live-givers, even to those who wish us harm.

And/Or

(vii) Thursday, Fifth week of Lent

In the gospel reading Jesus makes an extraordinary claim that leads the Jewish leaders to want to stone him, ‘Before Abraham was, I am’. This claim of Jesus in the fourth gospel is in keeping with the opening line of that gospel, ‘In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God’. Jesus existed with God in the beginning, before the creation of the world. He was before Abraham was, indeed, before anything had come into being. Yet, the Word who was with God in the beginning became flesh. He became like us in all things, except sin. While on earth, he remained with God. Having returned to God through his death and resurrection, he remains with us. He is now both with God and with us. He is uniquely placed to bring us the life of God, a life without end. That is why he can make the promise he makes in today’s gospel reading, ‘whoever keeps my word will never know the taste of death’. It is an extraordinary promise. Surely, we will all know the taste of death. Yes, we will all know physical death, as Jesus did, but Jesus is speaking about spiritual or ultimate death. He is promising us that those who keep his word will never know this kind of death. They will begin to share in God’s life here and now, a life that endures beyond physical death. If we entrust ourselves to the Lord, if we allow his word to shape our lives, then, according to the gospel reading today, we will begin to live with a life which will not be interrupted by physical death. This life, which begins now, is a life of communion with the Lord, and that communion will not be broken by death but, rather, deepened beyond it.

And/Or

(viii) Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

In today’s gospel reading, from the fourth gospel, Jesus is portrayed as making an extraordinary claim for himself, ‘I tell you most solemnly, before Abraham ever was, I Am’. Jesus’ statement can be understood against the background of the opening verse of this fourth gospel, ‘In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God’. The evangelist is claiming that Jesus, the Word of God, was with God in that mysterious moment before the beginning of creation. If that is true, then Jesus is obviously before Abraham ever was. We have been reading from the fourth gospel for nearly two weeks now, and this gospel makes claims for Jesus that go beyond the claims of any of the other three gospels. It is the latest gospel to be written and it represents the fruit of much reflection over many years as to the identity of Jesus. It is perhaps not surprising that this gospel ends with the statement that if everything Jesus did were written down, ‘the world itself could not contain the books that would be written’. In other words, there is more to Jesus than a world full of books could express. We might be tempted to think that there is less to Jesus than the gospels give us. Perhaps, they have exaggerated who Jesus is. However, it is certainly the conviction of the fourth evangelist and, probably of the other three evangelists, that their written gospel is only a small window onto a mystery that cannot be fully expressed in words. Jesus is even more attractive, more mysterious, than the gospels present him. We will only come to know the Lord in all his fullness when we encounter him in eternity. In the meantime, we are thankful to God for the gospels which give us such wonderful access to the Lord, God’s Word in human form.

And/Or

(ix) Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

The notion of someone being stoned to death is abhorrent to us. It still happens in those few places where Sharia Law is operative. Yet, thankfully, we consider such behaviour to belong to a past age. It wasn’t uncommon in the time of Jesus. You may recall that Stephen, the first Christian martyr, was stoned to death. In today’s gospel reading, Jesus’ opponents wanted to inflict the same fate on him, ‘at this they picked up stones to throw at him’, presumably with a view to killing him. It was a precursor of Jesus’ crucifixion. What aroused such deadly anger from some people towards Jesus were the claims he was making for himself. There are two powerful claims Jesus makes for himself in today’s gospel, one at the beginning and the other at the end of the reading, ‘whoever keeps my word will never see death’, and ‘before Abraham ever was, I am’. Jesus was claiming to pre-exist Abraham and declaring that whoever believed in him would exist beyond this earthly life. They would never experience ultimate death. These claims, for believers, rather than arousing anger bring great consolation. According to John’s gospel, Jesus pre-existed the universe. ‘In the beginning was the Word’. He came from another world, the world above, into this world. The Word became flesh. He offered the life of this other world, eternal life, to all who believed in him, to all who opened their lives to his coming. His journey from this world back to his heavenly Father was a journey that all who believe in him would also travel. This is good news which brings meaning and joy to our lives.

And/Or

(x) Thursday, Fifth Week of Lent

The prophet Isaiah speaks of Abraham as the rock from which the people of Israel were hewn. No one in the whole story of the people of Israel was greater than Abraham. The question that the Jewish leaders put to Jesus was almost in disbelief, ‘Are you greater than our Father, Abraham?’ It was as if they were saying to Jesus, ‘You can’t seriously be claiming to be greater than our Father, Abraham?’ Jesus replied as one whose Father was God, ‘my glory is conferred by the Father’. As Son of God, Jesus is indeed greater than Abraham. As the Son who was with God in the beginning, before anything or anyone was created, Jesus was certainly greater than Abraham. ‘Before Abraham ever was, I am’. There was so much more to Jesus than to Abraham. It comes as no surprise to hear that on hearing such talk, the Jewish authorities picked up stones to stone him. The claims that Jesus was making for himself were experienced as a threat to the religious tradition of the time. The claims that Jesus makes for himself in the gospels, especially in the gospel of John, can never be fully contained by any religious tradition, including our own Christian tradition. There is always more to Jesus than we can give expression to in our own religious tradition. That ‘more’ need not be experienced as threatening in any way, but rather as a source of consolation. The Lord is more loving, more merciful, more just, more powerful, than we could ever imagine. Because the Lord is more than we could ever imagine him to be, we can entrust ourselves to his care and guidance with total confidence. If we do that, especially in these dark times, we will discover that the Lord will not disappoint us or let us down.

Fr. Martin Hogan.

[ebexplore]

Finding Worth in Christ

One of humanity's deepest pursuits is finding our identity–we want to know who we are! It’s often tempting to seek definition and significance in a world that offers a myriad of labels. But when we chase validation in temporary sources, hoping they'll define us, we only find fleeting satisfaction.

In 2 Corinthians 5:21, Paul describes an eternal identity gifted to us by Christ: "For our sake, he made him to be sin who knew no sin so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

Jesus took on the weight of all sin—absorbing its penalty—without ever sinning Himself. He did this so that we might be reconciled to God with a new identity defined by Christ's righteousness, not our own and not this world. Christ has sacrificially given us a new identity and purpose.

Our yearning for identity can only find its fulfillment in Christ. We are recipients of His righteousness. And in Him, our identity is forever secure.

Consider today how this truth shapes your sense of worth. Are you seeking worldly validation, or are you resting in Jesus’ righteousness? How might recognizing your identity in Christ transform how you view yourself and interact with the world?

[feedingtheflockministry]

Living and Dying

By Danny Saavedra

What an interesting dichotomy of thoughts the apostle Paul presents in Philippians 1! First, we’re told that Paul is in prison, but he’s joyful about it because his chains have served to advance the gospel. Then, in verses 18–26, Paul breaks down his thought process concerning his own life. He says that all of this has worked out for his deliverance, giving him “sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”

Translation? Paul knew his deliverance would either come in freedom from prison to continue to do the work God had for him or in freedom from this fallen world into the presence of Christ forever! In light of this, Paul makes one of the most powerful statements ever recorded: “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

Jesus Christ is our life. He’s everything good, beautiful, and wonderful. In Him, we find our identity, belonging, and purpose. Our chief end and divine design are to know Jesus, enjoy a relationship with Him, and make Him known. Apart from Christ, life cannot exist and is not worth anything. To live in this world is to live fully in Christ and for Christ.

Paul didn’t desire to advance himself, live his best life, or seize the day. He desired to be with Jesus, grow in Jesus, know Jesus as intimately as possible, and glorify Jesus. And if it was God’s will for Paul to best glorify Jesus by laying down his life, then Paul would be well pleased by the opportunity. Because for the Christian, death is not a defeat but graduation to glory! It’s of infinite and ultimate gain (kerdos: profit, advantage, a winning trade). How so? Because then we will have true, eternal union with Christ without our sinful human nature standing in the way. We’ll be free from distractions, sin, perils, pain, decay, and death. Christ will be right before us to behold with our eyes and worship at His feet. As 2 Corinthians 5:8 (NKJV) says, "To be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.”

Paul’s experience in prison—seeing how Jesus had used his chains to advance the gospel, embolden believers, and grow the kingdom in a way he hadn’t previously considered—had cemented for him the understanding that Christ would be exalted whether by his life or death, giving him the “sufficient courage” to face possible death without hesitation, reservation, or regret.

Friends, I pray Paul’s statement would be on every Christian’s heart and mind as they wake up and go to sleep! In the morning, may we pray, “Thank You for this new day, Lord. May everything I do today be for Your glory. And through it, I pray I grow deeper into a loving and close relationship with You.” And in the evening, may we pray, “Lord, I pray for Your will. If I’m granted a new day tomorrow, may it be to Your glory. If You choose to call me home tonight, I will enter eternity with joy to be in Your presence!”

Pause: As you consider the rest of your life, what do you feel God would want to accomplish through you? What would you like to do in the name of Jesus with the time you have left?

Practice: Begin the simple practice of praying something similar to what’s stated above in the morning and evening. Pray this with gratitude and humility, surrendered to His will and out of loving devotion.

YouVersion Bible plan Philippians Whatever happen

#scriptures #bible teaching

[stopscammingartists]

It’s taking me a lot of courage to go out and say this but… I am a minor that’s been being dog-piled by Glip and Pengo over having an alter of Andre… (If this is confusing, I’m someone with the potential of having Dissociative Identity Disorder, and having multiple people in one body is a fundamental part of this disorder. I didn’t chose for an introject of Andre to appear, here we are.) this happened way back in September before the whole crazy cult shit started happening but, jesus, I can tell how much this one event scarred us. I used to look up to Pengosolvent and I used to adore and be comforted by his music during time of abuse and I’m honestly heartbroken by what’s been happening. I remember Glip telling me how much they felt like a piece was “divorced” from them and pengo joined in to dig into me about how I needed to consider glip’s feelings and how I shouldn’t “kin” Andre— they fucking called my involuntary alter a KIN. And strangely enough, he even tried to comfort me after the whole mess… I guess the fawning that I did made the situation a lot less batshit than the other events I’ve heard of. Nevertheless, it was only after the whole event that I realized how batshit insane their behavior was… it was their usual shenanigans.

The degradation we went through still has its effects now, after months! We’ve left the server and never intend to join back. That encounter has been debilitating to my alter’s sense of self, self-worth, and identity to the point where we’re planning to rewrite the entirety of Floraverse just to spite Glip.. and to find my alter better comfort, something to separate from the hellhole that is Floraverse, both narratively and community-wise. I hate to admit it, but Floraverse is a special interest of mine.. so It’s very hard to have it escape my mind.

Overall, we just wanna be a warning to everyone, a warning to literally anybody, man, even people with mental disorders like mine aren’t safe from Glip at all.

This is horrible.

Thank you for talking about this, it's incredibly brave. What happened to you was completely unacceptable and should have never happened.

I was able to actually find what happened to you in our records, and Pengo + Glip were extremely ableist towards you.

Pengo telling you to change something that he acknowledges is involuntary and out of your control because it "hurts" Glip is dead fucking ass ridiclous.

Then to try to comfort you after the ordeal he helped put you through? Insulting.

#floraverse #glitchedpuppet #cw ableism

[soworthloving]

An Apology and Charge

Over the last decade I have watched a war erupt around understanding our worth. Two sides have emerged: “You are worthy of love” and “You are not worthy of love.” “You are enough" versus "You are not enough”. It could be seen as “theological truth” versus “love in action.”   I’m grieved. We've lost the art to get to know the inner wrestlings of someone who struggles to believe that they are worthy of love. That they are in fact, enough to be loved just as they are.

We watch their decisions from afar and instead of understanding, is it possible that we judge the decisions our neighbors make out of their lack of believing they are enough?  

So I just want to say to anyone who has been wounded by this outbreak. I am sorry if someone told you that you were not enough. Maybe you were told that you needed to be more of this or do less of that. I am sorry if that person represented God. I am sorry if that person represented a potential spouse, friend or parent.   I am sorry.

This next part is for my fellow believers….  

We live in a world that is on a constant search for how to degrade, to pervert and diminish who we are and how we are made. So when we want to connect to others and discuss our faith and what Jesus has done, the starting sentence should never be… “you are not enough”, or “you are not worthy”. 

After reading thousands of stories over the last 12 years I can guarantee that with this “you are not enough to be loved" message you will lose the attention of those that probably need to hear the truth more than ever that they are in fact enough and loved. They are the same individuals as you and me who are VERY aware of the torment and pain inside their hearts and minds. We all are on a pursuit of fighting our flesh for instant gratification and desiring a deeper intimacy than this world could ever give us. 

On a daily basis, we carry lies around that tell us that we are disqualified from being loved.  When people who may be weary to believe in God intersect with the message that “you are not enough”, we can interpret this to mean… you are not enough to be loved. You need to clean up. Change the way the past looks… all those thoughts swarm and feel overwhelming. 

So, what happens? 

We turn to other resources to help us cope with the rejection. Resources that can’t provide what we really need: an unconditional love that only God can provide. God is bigger than our past mistakes. God is not scared of our anger. As my mentor Alicia Britt Chole says – God is quite secure that no feelings we have would ever shake him.  

It is not our place to judge. It's our job to reflect truth and the truth is: we are loved and we are enough right now as we are to come to Him.  If we want to point back to the truth of reminding people of their worth, may we start off by vulnerably sharing our own story.

Relating by admitting life is so heavy and exhausting isn’t it?  

Sharing: I face heartache daily that erodes my confidence and my identity and along that way as the weight gets heavier… I’ve learned to cry out to the One person that can help take the heavy weight off. I’ve come to find out, it's not a matter of me not being enough, for God will receive me just as I am. I am enough to be loved by Him. I don’t need to look, be, or perform a certain way for me to begin talking to Him. I’ve learned I can’t carry depression, anxiety, death of a loved one, addiction, or the big and small insecurities I face by myself. We need each other. We need each other to reflect back what faith looks like and what it could develop into. May we have conversations that honor each other.  So if the weight is heavy and life is hard, YOU ARE LOVED and you are ENOUGH right now to surrender and release all your fears and worries to the One who is stronger and worthy of our trust when we feel we have nowhere else to go and our own strength has run out. While He may be our last resort, we are always His first choice.   WITH MUCH LOVE, eryn

#so worth loving #self worth #identity #community #apology #church hurt #you are worthy #worthy #you are enough #enough #loved

[overculturedswine]

I was at work again, and today was harder to focus (my pressure hose blew three times, wear your safety glasses kids).

There seemed to be a lot of talks about disregarding prejudice, and at first I was being a bit skeptical, as one of the repeated identities we were told to respect is political affiliation, or yknow, the people who do want me dead. I mean sure, I do think we should be careful if that, but they kinda got me in the end lol. That was the main vibe I got from conference, and at least it leaves me hopeful.

I loved the idea of looking at the hearts of people, instead of what we physically see. I remember on my mission reading “pray always” and trying to run with it. I’d walk down the street thinking “I hope that person has a great day, and I hope we can find people to teach” and I stopped after a little bit cuz I felt guilty whenever I wouldn’t talk to someone. And I think that by reminding ourselves of who we as people are, we can accomplish a similar end. Forcing ourselves into that frame of mind will necessarily change how we act for the better.

Hymns were absolute bangers today: I’m trying to be like Jesus, Consider the Lilies, Come Thou Fount, Teach Me to Walk.

I enjoyed most of the talk on temples. I really enjoyed the temple, it is such a nice place to think and feel, but unfortunately they wouldn’t let me in anymore. <Deadname> could get me in, but I’m trying not to rely on him too much anymore.

Isn’t it cool how we all get resurrected, and we all get a degree of glory? Why are we still inspiring the fear of being separated from your family? Like, isn’t the point of having the three kingdoms that we don’t have to do that?

I find it interesting trying to operate by a strict procedure and guidelines is not the same as what I was taught faith is. Whenever we ask about faith, I go straight to Alma 32, it’s a seed we plant, and as we water, it grows. We choose to plant and we choose to water, but we can also see the results of what actions we take. We’re commanded to live the law of chastity or word of wisdom or whatever, but I have agency, and I can choose to experiment. I can compare what my testimony is like before keeping or breaking a commandment, and then from the results that I observe, I can determine if it’s worth living. I’ve started drinking tea recently, mostly just to see what the fuss was about, but having that little bit of extra structure and ritual in the mornings and/or nights had made dedicating time to pray and read the scriptures so much easier.

So really, we do know what’s best for us, because God gave us the tools to know, that was sorta the whole point. And living Celestially really should be about that, coming to a knowledge of how we work and how we can do God’s work within our personal parameters.

#tumblrstake #ldsconf

[sharri-byfaith]

Discovering Your Identity in Christ: Embracing Your Unique Spiritual Journey

In the tumultuous journey of life, one of the most profound quests we embark upon is the search for our identity. Amidst the chaos and clamor of the world, finding a sense of self-worth and purpose becomes a vital pursuit. As Christians, our identity is deeply intertwined with our faith in Christ, guiding us to a profound understanding of who we are in Him.

Understanding Your Identity in Christ

Scripture provides us with a rich tapestry of verses that illuminate our identity in Christ. In Ephesians 2:10 (NIV), we are reminded, "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." This verse underscores the inherent value and purpose bestowed upon us by our Creator. As children of God, we are fearfully and wonderfully made, uniquely designed to fulfill His divine purposes.

Furthermore, Romans 8:37 (NIV) declares, "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." This powerful affirmation assures us that, through Christ's love, we have the strength to overcome any obstacle or challenge that may come our way. Our identity is rooted in victory, not in defeat, as we navigate life's trials with unwavering faith.

Embracing Your Spiritual Journey

It's essential to recognize that each believer's spiritual journey is unique and deeply personal. While some may possess certain spiritual gifts or talents, others may excel in different areas of service. Romans 12:6-8 (NIV) reminds us, "We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully."

This passage underscores the importance of embracing diversity within the body of Christ. We are all integral parts of the same body, each contributing our unique gifts and talents for the edification of the Church. It's crucial not to compare ourselves to others or measure our worth based on external standards. Instead, we should celebrate our individuality and the diverse ways in which God works through us.

Being Kind to Yourself

In our pursuit of spiritual growth, it's easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism and comparison. However, it's essential to remember that God's grace is sufficient for us, even in our weaknesses. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) reminds us, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Rather than striving for perfection, we should strive for authenticity and humility, recognizing that God works most powerfully through our weaknesses. By extending grace to ourselves and embracing our imperfections, we open ourselves up to the transformative power of God's love.

Discovering your identity in Christ is a lifelong journey filled with twists, turns, and moments of profound revelation. As you navigate this journey, remember to cling to the promises of Scripture, embracing the unique gifts and talents that God has bestowed upon you. Be kind to yourself, knowing that God's grace is more than sufficient to sustain you in every season of life.

Above all, rest in the assurance that you are deeply loved and cherished by your Heavenly Father. Your identity is secure in Christ, and nothing in this world can separate you from His unfailing love. Embrace your uniqueness, celebrate your journey, and continue to walk in the abundant life that Christ has promised to all who believe.

Sharri Van Zyl

08-03-2024

#belief in jesus #bible #byfaith #byfaithchurch #christianity #follow jesus #god #jesus is the only way #jesus loves us #jesusisking #faith #faith in god #faith in jesus #faithoverfear #christian faith

[apenitentialprayer]

Hi, I just came to the realization that I'm a lesbian. I've also just recently started attending church again. I believe God made me feel this way about other women for a reason even if I don't know what it is yet, do you have any advice?

Hey! First, congratulations on making the decision to go back to church. And congratulations on learning something and coming to a greater awareness of yourself. Regardless of what happens moving forward, I will be praying for you.

Second, I'm not sure if I'm really the best person to ask about this. I have a bunch of LGBT+ Christian followers/mutuals who have a variety of opinions on what it means to be an LGBT+ Christian. If you want, if you contact me again, I can ask around to see if anyone is willing to talk to you.

That being said.

Choosing to be an LGBT+ Christian is going to be a cross. I'm not going to sugar-coat it. There are Christians who will hate and revile you for that. And even among those who don't balk at an LGBT+ identity (even those who celebrate it!) will... expect certain things of you. And I guess that's true about lots of things, but I imagine it would be especially hard for someone who is now trying to navigate between two new potential identities as well.

So, first piece of advice; you don't need to have all the answers now. It's okay to live in tension and ambiguity for a while. There are LGBT Christians who adhere to the more or less unanimous and unchallenged teaching of the Christian community for the last 1750 years; there are also those who use various reasonings and justifications to argue for the permissibility of same-sex relationships. I would seriously consider both sides, taking as much time as you need. And go with the one that's more convincing.

That being said, second piece of advice closely related to the first; however you eventually choose to proceed, it's not like your path is set in stone. It's okay to be wrong; it's okay to not be sure of where you stand on the issue. And it's okay to eventually change your position. You don't have to be an expert, and you don't have to feel like you're locking yourself into something forever. Be open to further developments on your perspective and worldview.

My third piece of advice is probably the most important one, in my eyes at least. Because, regardless of which way you lean, there will be people who not only disagree with you, but be hostile in that disagreement. People who will judge you for 'not taking your faith seriously', or being 'self-hating,' or being 'not a real Christian,' or for 'making life harder for other LGBT+ Christians.'

My advice is to find people who respect you and your ability to make your choices, even if they disagree with them. You are not a pawn in a culture war. You are a living image of your Heavenly Father, a human being with complexities and unique perspectives with the ability to use your reason and the ability to respond to God's grace. Do not let fear and the judgment of people rule you - keep yourself open and on the lookout for truth.

I am hoping that I didn't just scare you off. I do not envy your position. But Jesus warns us to be ready for the road ahead. So sell your cloak and buy a sword; you are called to greatness in Christ, and that calling brings forth opposition. But it also brings love. And I hope that this love is worth it.

#asks

[manthrochap-blog]

well well well. look who finally figured out what email he used for his old blog....

so, hi. the last post on this blog was from december 2016, so... i’d expect most of my followers are inactive and the few people i follow who are still active probably unfollowed ages ago, unless they never cleared out their accounts... but i thought i’d make a little post here as a sort of update and finally offer a means of contact

so. i’m freshly 23 years old now (jesus CHRIST). i’m not using this blog anymore, so i won’t be updating my bio/about/whatever to reflect that, but i’ll note i exclusively use he/him now. while homestuck is still constantly in my periphery (more literal than that sentence should be, there’s a dave strider vinyl figure in a bin almost within eyesight of my desk chair...) i haven’t really engaged with it in... years... other than a recent look at its unfinished japanese translation, seeing as i started learning the language a few years ago and got curious. i still stan aradia hardcore, btw, nothing in life will Ever change that

as you can probably (hopefully) predict from the fact that i was 17 when i last used this blog (and 13-16 when i used it actively) and i am now 23, this blog, uh... would not be a great reference point for determining what kind of person i am now. i won’t write it off as completely detached from my present identity, and i’m not saying this because there’s some sort of “dirt” you could dig up from looking through my posts (there... really isn’t, just a whole lot of cringe), i’d just like to make it clear that judging the present me by whatever the hell was wrong with me when i was a teenager would leave you with a lot of inaccuracies about me. being a teenager sucks and you’ve got way more things wrong with you mentally than any other stage of your life and i’m happy to report many of those things wrong with me have resolved themselves with time, but also, the cringe. the cringe. my god the cringe, please for the love of god know that while i am still cringe i am not as bad as i once was

anyways, what i am trying to communicate is that while the person who ran this blog and myself may technically inhabit the same body, we’re not quite the same person; and yet, this is still my body, my face, my words, my thoughts, all contained here, even if i no longer understand those thoughts and feelings and words, no longer feel like the face depicted is my face. going through and making every single one of my old posts unrebloggable would be not only tedious but a ridiculous, gargantuan task, considering my post count is just short of 50,000 and no matter how many of those are reblogs that i wouldn’t need to alter, it took long enough just deleting a bunch of old selfies that i truly don’t think it would be worth it

thus, my request is this: my art is all fair game, but any (old) personal posts or selfies i'd like left alone. no likes, no reblogs, just let them be, please. while i've left a good portion of the latter up for posterity, i'd prefer you not even look for them. likewise, i've gone through and deleted all instances of my deadname; do not try to seek it out. or i may smite you in real life

other than all of that, i'm willfully leaving this blog up as an archive. please don't abuse that, please respect my requests regarding what i am and am not okay with being interacted with, and please keep a healthy barrier in your mind between who i was as a teenager and my new, adult self, because even i don't know what i was going on about back then

with all of that finally out of the way, if you're looking to contact me for whatever reason, you'll find my new blog in my next (and probably final, ever, for this blog) reblog. that post is a plea for a friend of mine who i miss and have completely lost contact with to come and talk with me again, if they'd like, so i'm hoping that posting this here and giving them a way of contacting me might help if they ever come back and look at this blog, which was the impetus for me hunting down my own log-in info to begin with, though not the sole reason (i really did want to purge this fucking thing of its evils even if only a little i've been meaning to do that for ages)

i don't intend to ever deactivate that blog just as i won't be deactivating this one, but as a failsafe, you can also email nisutitja @ gmail, because i don't really wanna just... put my discord where everyone can see it. that is not my main email, but i do own that address. might be a little late on the response but it should be reliable enough

#veeeery long post huh... and probably repetitive #but i was swapping between writing this and cleaning out my blog so my train of thought. was not completely on the rails the whole time #anyways. time to rb that post real quick

[conservativetradlife]

Porn Bloggers? 

Ya need Jesus. 

If you want to just delete this WHOLE rant and keep the above, be my guest, but only if you subscribe to the ideas listed below... Its kind of important. Jesus accepted whores and sinners, we should to. At least thats how I feel.

MOVING ON.

I see you following me. I see all of you, and I know you are thinking about the lifestyle that I promote. A single partnership bound by love and faith, a bound close knit family and a homey lifestyle relying on God’s bounty to provide. 

I have a high influx of BDSM/Porn Blogs following me, and I don’t condone that kind of blogs following me, as I don’t agree with porn on a visceral level - however, it’s surprising to me how many women, appealing to the male fantasy ‘sex kitten’, and men seeking ‘slutty’ submissive women follow me.

Like genuinely, I don’t promote anything that is agreeable to that kind of lifestyle and I have spoken at length with members of both sides of this community on the ‘why’ the Traditional Lifestyle is so appealing. I can’t say that either side has bad points to make - but when I see the kind of content shared by these blogs I really just feel sorry for you all. It’s by no means condescending for me to say that I feel sorry for you, and where you are at, to want to live the kind of lifestyle you are promoting on your blog... It might seem appealing in the short term? But when I think about it, I don’t think that these lifestyles are sustainable in any way, and its sad that the only way you feel you can get the love you need, is to degrade yourself in one way or another to suit the sexual needs of your partner.

I think there is inherent value in being alone - in feeling your feelings, both good, bad and uncomfortable. Being alone in all senses, but most importantly in your romantic life. If you don’t spend time learning who you are, what YOU want, while not being steeped in the desires and interests of another, you never learn about what makes you happy, nor find the value you have in yourself.

I am by no means a saint. I want to be clear about the fact that my life is very much a rocky story to tell, and one that I have graduated from with time. I can understand those who feel as though becoming a sex object is the only way to feel like you are getting what you deserve. A rotten, deep self loathing that reeks in the pit of your gut and poisons you from the inside out. I can see those who prey on the vulnerable, people looking for purpose who are wounded in many different ways seeking validation and love in the only way they can control.

Its the fact that despite that, I still have people following my content, which I hope is showing a different life. One that is hopeful and different - not just aesthetic to the eye, but to the soul and mind. I hope the content I share inspires you to seek validation and worth outside of your body or own primal urges. I am by no means judging you - as a Christian, someone who believes wholly in Jesus Christ himself. How could I rightfully sit there and judge someone for the way they lived. We are supposed to aspire to live how Jesus lived, right? Last time I checked, he consorted with a lot of people that others considered dregs of society, the broken and downtrodden were the ones he supported the most. If I am a Christian, truly, then I am not going to point my finger and say that you are a person unworthy of recognition nor understanding. I may not agree with your content, the values you have or the morals you stand for, but I respect the fact you are different than me, and your life experiences have lead you where you’ve landed in life - which is not identical to my own.

I just feel like the Trad Community is followed by a lot of BDSM/Porn blogs because we offer a glimpse into the hopeful? I refuse to believe it all has to do with kink and play - particularly as my blog is pretty much devoid of any content that would even hint at that kind of dynamic behind closed doors. I don’t see how a BDSM Blogger is getting anything from my reblogged post of an autumn forest than what I am - the comforting nostalgia of a liminal space.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe its all degenerate. Maybe we’re followed because we have pretty pictures that give a small moment to rehydrate after an hour long goon stream of increasingly graphic gifs. Maybe there are always people who will fetishize Traditionalism - bastardizing the principles presented to suit a sexual narrative... But sex isn’t really that long lasting - and eventually, everything that can be done, will eventually be done, and then what? You cast away your person for someone else, never mind the emotional ties now bound from what you went through in a dynamic, but also as a couple? It all just sounds so messy and unnecessary to me. You don’t have to live like that, honestly.

I’m choosing from now on, to believe that my blog is used as one for hope? It might sound a little uppity and full of myself, but who am I really to negate someone’s right from looking at the content I post? Nothing is explicit, nor worth putting behind a barrier. I’m really sick of seeing these names pop up, but at the same time as people choosing to take my sending asks on Sims blogs I like being reacted to like ‘m doing something racy and scandalous, maybe its one in the same. Maybe this blog is a dirty little secret, because its a fantasy that they desire to have, outside of the life they are projecting with their content. 

Maybe it is them who are the anomaly.

Maybe we have what they want? Who really knows, its all conjecture.

Not judging... So sick of being in the community and pretending that sex doesn’t exist at all. So sick of this stigma hanging over the heads of the aspiring trads to entirely flip themselves under the guise of a narrative that is ages old and entirely new every generation. You can be trad and be unladylike, you can be trad and interested in BDSM with your partner, you can be LGBTQA+ and still be trad. We are projecting these ideals onto ourselves that don’t need to be there. 

Maybe, these porn blogs are just other Trads letting their freak flags fly. Who knows? I am absolutely a different person than the one I want to be online. One who is more patient, more Godly, more agreeable... I know I have hard edges, but I don’t think they can or should be softened by the Traditional Community.

What I’m doing here, is promoting a lifestyle that integrates one partner (a monogamous pair) and leads to having children - as many as God permits. I want to promote motherhood - femininity in its purest form, I want to inspire women to promote their natural beauty and value themselves enough to wait for a partner worth having who values you as much as you deserve. I want to promote a devotion to God, one that is powerful - but personal. Shared when you wish you share and celebrated as you wish to celebrate it.

It seems a little silly to me, really, that the Trad community is so opposed to the concept of sex (even in private polite company) but are dedicated to the ideas of having large families with their spouse. Do NOT @ me about adoption or IVF. We all know the diatribe. WE KNOW. I shouldn’t have to preface it with that. For those natural families to happen, you’re gonna have sex - and being sex positive to some degree, in my opinion, is super important to the success of a marriage. Finding someone who is willing to explore, be a little crazy and keep things fresh is important, sex is a love language for a lot of people. We can’t forget that.

Ugh... This whole rant has given me a headache. Uugh. You porn blogs are too much some times, I can’t. I have to say at this point, I am a sex positive blog. I don’t agree with porn, I am not a fan of you porn bloggers and I would much rather you don’t follow me, because you’re never subtle about what you’re about and yuck guys, honestly... Yuck. But at this point, I’m done pretending that sex shocks or appalls me. If you’re not okay with that, please feel free to unfollow. I will not be reblogging anything of the sexual variety on this blog - period. But my opinions might be a bit more stand forward from now on in regards to this.

Ya’ll are seriously exhausting. Go outside and touch some grass... 

#rant #trad #traditional #traditional feminine #traditional woman

[onewaytherightway]

Finding Worth in Christ One of humanity's deepest pursuits is finding our identity–we want to know who we are! It’s often tempting to seek definition and significance in a world that offers a myriad of labels. But when we chase validation in temporary sources, hoping they'll define us, we only find fleeting satisfaction. In 2 Corinthians 5:21, Paul describes an eternal identity gifted to us by Christ: "For our sake, he made him to be sin who knew no sin so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." Jesus took on the weight of all sin—absorbing its penalty—without ever sinning Himself. He did this so that we might be reconciled to God with a new identity defined by Christ's righteousness, not our own and not this world. Christ has sacrificially given us a new identity and purpose. Our yearning for identity can only find its fulfillment in Christ. We are recipients of His righteousness. And in Him, our identity is forever secure. Consider today how this truth shapes your sense of worth. Are you seeking worldly validation, or are you resting in Jesus’ righteousness? How might recognizing your identity in Christ transform how you view yourself and interact with the world?