extra fatigue and deeper depression episode (10); writing this due to the need to remember that body positivity exists, and also writing this for my need for grounding in the present, the need for venting and for seeing the beautiful stuff with today.
- first off:
reminder to self: i am doing what i can. in every respect. it's been difficult weeks, and to feel a little better, both mentally and physically, is a godsent. so: i am doing what i can. <3
- woke up late;
i slept ok, during the day (reminder to self: i am doing what i can. in every respect. it's been difficult weeks, and to feel a little better, both mentally and physically, is a godsent.
so: i am doing what i can.
i feel asleep in the morning, after seeing both a hare and a squirrel jumping around on the ground vs the trees in the forrest just outside my house. beautiful.
(especially with the squirrel, it feels like a true summer sign to me <3 - and aaaaaaaah that makes me think about that soon it's gonna be summer and then AUTUMN. lovely. 6 months or more of the best seasons - which is kind of surprising to me to say, but i have started to really enjoy the summers due to the fact that bathing in the ocean is a thing during that time.
perhaps i will be one of those people who is bathing all year around; i do sometimes think about this. maybe that can be something to look forward too. <3)
- so, i woke up late and was having a dream lingering, so i wrote that and some other stuff out on paper. i rested in bed with my computer and tea and an apple, and it was just fine. kind of a relief to allow myself to get back to bed after waking up, and just rest,
so i am grateful i could do that. i did a lot of activity stuff yesterday too, to i always need a more serene day the day after that.
i ate and chilled some more,
and my hamster seems really thrilled to be bak in his usual bedding after the cleaning of his aquarium yesterday night. he has been enjoying being able to build tunnels again in this bedding, and it makes me so happy seeing him show signs of clearly liking it. <3
- now, just recently, i just got in.
i wanted to get myself outside for a bit, even tho it was late. i really wanted some fresh air, and i thought of taking a midnight bike ride. so,
i have been riding my fucking bike along the street, and gosh. it was too much tonight to do so. the bike is beautiful,
but i don't really know how stable it is. i am still unsure about the whole only breaks at the handle-thing, the breaks that i have dosen't really work either, and i get frustrated with the way the tires are never fully ok even though i am trying to fucking tend to them, and i get so damn self critical because of this fucking issue. tonight i really got a WAVE of weigh related insecurity over me; is it because of my weight gain that the bike seems so unsteady and the tires seem flat etc?? i thought, and a fucking SWARM of fat shaming memories rushed over me.
i no longer keep in touch with those who shamed me, and that's somethings that's good for my general mental health. but FUCK. THAT. SHIT. do. not. FUCKING. FAT SHAME. ?!?!?!
elderly people really are the fucking worst -
and to know younger generations get SO MUCH SHIT, for basically just existing??!??! fuck. you. FUCK THEM ALL;
- and i also was overpowered by the hatred i have towards men. men have been the ones to abuse me sexually as a child. men has been the ones to mistreat me in therapy. men are THE FUCKING RESON I CAN'T FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO GO OUT ON A FUCKING BIKE RIDE WITHOUT MY LEGAL PEPPARSPRAY:ISH ALARM ON ME.
I. HATE. YOU. ALL.
i hate them. all those fucking people mentioned above; two specific men and the rest of the male population.
for instance, it made my heart race when i saw two of them (two men i mean) in the parking garage next to my home, and even though i was on this shit of a bike.
(which basically makes me protected due to technically i am faster than them in that scenario -
and: reminder to self:
i would have been safe if i had been walking too; i have my fucking pepparspray:ish thing! it SUCKS to feel the MERE NEED to protect oneself, but if it is a protection that feels ok - then take it.
i am fucking worthy of fucking feeling the safest i fucking can.
saying that, from me, an abuse victim who is used to always thought think of it as an achievement to not feel things, and that "just keep striving forward" has been the most important thing
- it means a fucking great deal to be able to say that the most important thing is for me to remember that i EARN to feel safe.
so; if that helps, let's remind myself of that <3),
my heart started racing,
my stress levels immediately went up while seeing them,
and when their car door slammed shut hard, i RACED past that fucking garage.
i hate them i hate them i hate them.
both of the abusive fuckers mentioned above; and men in general;
i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them.
- and then of course also the fat shaming rained over me mentally,
flashbacks of sorts i guess.
i biked down the street in mere stubborness; a combination of wanting to have a decent bike ride which is something i love so much, and getting the fucking bike to work better,
i tried to adjust the saddle to make it more comfy, and it worked a bit, so that was a fucking heroic thing of me to do in the middle of a fucking panic attack; i am bloody grateful of myself. i am a fucking heroine.
i then forced the piece of shit of a bike forward, feeling exhausted but too anxious to stop, and i dragged it inside of the bike basement where all my neighbors bikes waited for my piece of shit bike
(i am sorry for the displayed ungreatfulness concerning this bloody bike right now, but i am so frustrated.
i try and i try with this bike, and i try and i try at life, but sometimes i am just fucking done and breaking down).
it's common, i know, to break down over a practical item when it's just not working; and that's what i did tonight.
- i got inside and kicked the fucking walls of the bike basement/bike shred, and i just broke down crying for a bit. it's hard. shit's difficult.
to comfort and support myself i, by pure instinct, grabbed my phone and searched of body positivity pages on instagram,
and that actually helped.
i then search for my favorite tiktok as well, and that was comforting too.
only other women can sopprot me and bring me some kind of comfort when i am down like that.
- i also wrote to my therapist about this and another, more clinical, matter that i have been thinking about for a bit, and it felt ok to do so. it actually was a bit supportive to make it "public";
cos in that action, i see that i am aware about the source of the fucking self criticism regarding my weight,
and i can therefore work with it.
and by work, i don't mean more than that:
I CAN COMFORT MYSELF WHEN THESE TYPES OF ANXIETIES COMES, BECAUSE SOMEWHERE I KNOW, I AM WORTHY. I CAN SEEK UP THOSE INSTAGRAM BODY POSITIVITY ACCOUNTS, AND REMIND ME OF WHAT I WAS THINKING THERE BY MY FUCKING ASSHOLE OF A BIKE; I AM WORTY.
i was thinking those words; i am worthy, there in the kind of unwashed by kind of safe bike shred,
and that felt like hope.
- something else i thought to myself was that: i am worthy of feeling ok about my body. i am worthy of respecting myself the why i am. and i am worthy of clothes that makes me feel ok (cos the leggings an jeans that i tried to wear today when everything i own is in the laundry baskets, was so uncomfortable). i deserve to feel comfortable and ok and confident in what i wear. that really is something that has helped me tackle my weight gain actually; wearing stuff that makes me feel fucking beautiful and "at home"; what goes along with my personal style etc (and if anyone might be reading this; this goes for ANYTHING wearable that might feel good to YOU <3). that was a bit comforting to remind myself of.
when i looked at those body positivity accounts, i was like:
"gosh she i beautiful",
about the woman posting i mean.
and then it hit me;
"why would it be any different for me? why wouldn't i be beautiful and fucking worthy, if i instinctively think that she is?"
- so that was a fucking whirlwind.
i went out to gaze up towards the night sky,
and the stars and the dark, dark blue night sky with its still visible clouds, which was slightly showing off their daytime white color although past midnight.
i went into the laundry room after some hesitation regarding if i had the energy to - and i book a fucking apoitment for sunday to be able to have my favorite clothes back.
i watched myself in my black hat and jeans jacket in the reflection of the glass in the door in said laundry room, and i felt a little better.
i also gave the reflection a fuck you and silently cursed the people who has been invading my mind in flashbacks, and that felt a bit empowering too.
i am always worthy.
no matter what self critisims and the fat shaming that elderly people have said.
and; reminder to self; the elder generations view on weight and diets are truly REPULSING. remember society has progressed into more awareness about mental health that what they fucking can understand.
and, i am so sorry people have hurt you in that aspect. i have more and more the recent years realized that perhaps i am not relieved of experiencing body image difficulties, and i have comes to somewhat terms with that now. but it does hit you, in moments like theese, and fuck. that. shit. it's ok that it feels difficult.
- also the people in that said elderly generation with their fucking shaming; they are complex figures to me due to the childhood FUCKING trauma. i am sorry you were so affected by that tonight.
take some time to just sit, perhaps. i think that can feel ok.
you are here and now, i promise.
i can have my music on,
and with time i can clean and cook some food if that feels like the things you need; no need to clean tho, know this.
i am sorry that this day became kind of heavy.
i was also experiencing some difficulties with the issue that was really bad a couple of weeks ago, regarding living here, and th city and the friend thing and everything. my brain went into moosh tonight with several anxieties.
perhaps the things i can say to sooth myself in that right in this instance; is that: - no rush. - feelings move back and forth, and it's not strange that this fear; fear of losing safety of sorts i think i can label it as, that was certainly the fear that i felt some weeks ago regarding this. so, it's not weird, but i am sorry about you feeling down due to it. - you have a plan, everything can be just fine. <3 - and with the friendthing; there is also comfort in that.
- and, once again; for comfort/how to handle the anxieties;
you can once more try to put the worries beside one another and they can just be - knowing that there is comfort and solace to be found and i have that, regarding all of the worries.
the worries and the comfort can just exist, and be.
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DinoFic (chapter 1: birbs by night)
The sun was setting, slowly, behind the hills of the city of Djadochta. Red like embers falling over the horizon and letting the sun shift from the white-grayish of the afternoon to the dirty dark blue of the evening, stained by the red remains of the dying sun and the thick sand lifted by the winds from the arid soil.
Dusk was the time or the day when Djadochta started to fill with life. The afternoon was too hot and arid for a comfortable life and the sun shone so bright on the desert sand that made it boiling, and impossible for the dinosaurs living in the City to walk on.
Djadochta, being a city in the middle of the Gobi desert, was often subject to sandstorms, that shoved sand all over the city street, making it even less inhabited in the daylight.
But evening and night were perfect, especially for the smaller, faster theropods, covered in their colorful and warm feathers that kept them warm and active even in the coldest nights, shielding them from the icy breezes that sometimes the rivers that run through the city.
Two therizinosauridae brothers were bickering in front of the café of the youngest of the two, the feathers on his head- now raised in annoyance- were bright pink, and more and more auburn on the wings, that under those soft feathers hid terrible, giant claws.
A huge deinocheirus was strolling by the riverside, slowly to let his tiny parvicursor companion to catch up with his speed, and they were gently chatting- truly, the tiny parvicursor with reddish feathers all puffed on his chest was the one talking all the time, with his high pitched voice so high that arrived easily to the ears of the deinocheirus meters above him.
"Good evening, prof!" chirped at him two boys, trotting in the other direction. The velociraptor that almost screamed that greeting at him was fairly small even for his race, his feathers of a soft delicate peachy colour that made a poor job to hide his black snout and claws and his very dangerous smile.
On his side, taller than him but not any stronger, with a mane of black and orange feathers and an old-looking leather jacket to cover his thin body, a citipati that didn't look half as aggressive as his punk outfit.
"Lloyd, Earl." answered the parvicursor, the man that was their history professor at high school.
"Hi Fitz" peeped Earl to the giant deinocheirus, his voice cracked by embarrassment and barely audible. Fitz smiled, something like 4 meters above him.
"Fucking around in the city, are we?" croaked Lloyd, laughing at the face of sheer offense of his former professor, that puffed even more his feathers and even the ones on his silvery head, now almost looking like a ball of rage.
"No, we are not fucking around!"
Fitz decided it was time for him to enter the discussion, lowering on the ground to look better in the eye of all the small theropods around him. "Calm down Artie, the boys are right to some degree! We are… taking a small, relaxing break in Djadochta city. Nemegt, where we live, it's kind of boring."
Nemegt was a town not too far away from Djadochta, linked to the city by the river that flooded from the Nemegt artificial lake.
Of the three tiny inhabited centers there- Nemegt, Barun Goyot and Djadochta, only the latter could be really considered a city, and the most important of the three. In Nemegt there was a dam and in Barun Goyot a small-sized airport, always completely empty. It was logic- who could have wanted to spend voluntarily their time in the middle of the desert?
Many left from that airport- like Earl's older brother or Fitz's entire family or Lloyd's uncle many years before, and many of Arthur's students at the school in Djadochta where he teached for almost twenty years.
Earl and Lloyd, however, stayed, and so did Arthur and Fitz.
Both of them were Arthur's students, but in different years- Lloyd was almost 23, and Earl was 28. Arthur remembered them clearly from their school years, and none of them in a good way, even if for very different reasons.
"And you two, why are you here?" asked back Arthur, looking at them behind the thick lenses of his old glasses with a great sense of superiority- incredible for a creature that size, not even half of both the boys.
Earl just scrolled his shoulder, lost for words: he had no explanation, really. It wasn't unusual for him and Lloyd, childhood friends, to spend an evening together, visiting some pub and walking by the lakeside, enjoying the cool breeze of the night.
But Lloyd had an answer. "Oh, I have some news for Earl."
The citipati was astonished, his gaze fixed on Lloyd and his eyes wide open. News?! What kind of news? What did he mean?!
Arthur nodded to him, understanding but also in a hurry to end the conversation as soon as he could.
"I see. Good news to you two, then."
"And good romantic stroll to you two!" chirped Lloyd, making the professor's feathers puff in embarrassment once more.
Fitz cupped his giant clawed hands around Arthur and, as gently as he could, put him on his shoulder. They- but mostly Fitz's legs- resumed their romantic walks across the city.
"What news, Lloyd?" asked then Earl, all nervous, but Lloyd just nodded to him, telling the citipati to follow him.
The lamp posts were barely lit at the edge of the sidewalk, pale light on the asphalt of the street vaguely coloured of red and gold of the desert sand, taken there by the unceasing winds.
The lamp posts, however, didn't need to light too much the night, since the great majority of the inhabitants of the city were nocturnal or crepuscular beings, as also Lloyd and Earl were.
The two sat on a bench, only a few meters from the lakeside and its gentle waves against the gravel beach. The temperatures were still low for that time of the year, so Earl buried his shivering neck in the fluff of feathers on his chest, and his face was protected from the harsh night desert winds by the collar of the leather jacket.
Lloyd, however, seemed to never be cold. He was only wearing his usual, worn out Planet Hollywood baseball cap and a thin t-shirt with the same round logo on the chest, and his thick mane of peach-coloured feathers coming out of the collar of that shirt that was blatantly too large for him, made for a theropod of a much larger size of one of a tiny velociraptor.
“You know my grandpa’s dead, right?”
“Yep.” peeped Earl. He remembered him. The old, rich and gruff grandfather of Lloyd: a saurornithoides mangy and curved by his age, his eyes still sparkling with hatred and his teeth (or at least, the ones remaining) yellowish and gritted, and the claw on his feet always sharp and huge. He was a scary man, even in his very old age, and Earl remembers clearly being scared of him since he was nothing but a tiny downy chick, hiding behind the fan-like tail of his mom with his big brother Brandan.
“I'm sorry for your loss” lied Earl at the dromaeosauridae sitting at his side. But Lloyd scrolled his shoulder. “I don’t fucking care about that old cunt. I hope he died in agony, fuck him. He was nothing but a stingy arsehole, interested in nothing but his damn money. He was a real wanker. He always tried to hit me and my cousin.”
“So why are you telling me-”
Lloyd showed his white, shiny white teeth to Earl. “His inheritance will be divided between nephews and not sons. It looks weird but it isn’t. He used to have two sons, my dad and my uncle, but they had a fight or something like that, probably about money, I don’t fucking know i wasn’t even born yet, and my uncle moved to Laramidia and made a family there, and then he died. But my cousin, his daughter, she’s still living there, and she’s still an heiress as I am.”
Lloyd’s family was the richest family of Djadochta, all his members being proud deinonychosaurids with their dangerous claws on their feet. That family always used to be the real engine of the city, wealthy patrons that made possible, with their money, the construction of the schools of the town, the Barun Goyot airport and the Nemegt dam. They weren’t only rich, they were unimaginably so, and incredibly powerful too.
Earl, poor oviraptorid of humble origins, always feared and respected Lloyd, even knowing the boy considered him, if not a friend, a valid ally.
Earl kept his beak wide open, still processing all the informations the velociraptor dumped onto him in one of his usual long monologues, while Lloyd was chewing nervously on a chewing-gum, as pink as the feathers on his slender body.
His icy blue eyes fixed on Earl. He looked dissatisfacted and especially annoyed. “My cousin lives in Hell Creek, that big fucking city. You told me your big brother works there, don’t you?”
Earl jumped on the bench, as if he was just woken up by a trumpet. “Brendan! He does! You remembered!”
Hell Creek was one of the biggest city in the entire world, and surely the most crowded of Laramidia, renewed as a wealthy and luxurious metropolis, full of skyscrapers as tall as the clouds- so Brendan told Earl in those years, so Earl saw in television, dreaming of reaching his older brother, one day or the other.
On Lloyd’s horrid snout, the citipati saw a dear smile. “How could i forget? You always tell me about Brendan. And i fucking remember him when he used to live there, you know, that blue and brown too-big chicken.”
Nah, thought Earl, happy again. You remember because you listened to me, and you care for me, even if you’ll never accept it.
Lloyd reached for a pack of cigarettes to Earl, who accepted one of them and took it between his long, slender claws of the hand. Yes, Earl had his own pack of cigs, but they were cheap and the tobacco tastes like mould. Lloyd’s cigs were extremely expensive and almost sweet in their rich aroma, and Earl loved them.
The citipati held the cig in his beak, and lighted it while the velociraptor at his side was doing the same with his dangerous teeth.
“I have to go to Hell Creek, to make sure my cousin Cynthia is worthy of the inheritance. So was written in that fucking will. That cunt of our grandpa never liked her. So uh… Yeah, I don’t really want to go to Laramidia all alone. How boring. In two it’d be funnier. And your brother surely knows Hell Creek well enough, he could be our guide to the city.”
The silence fell between the two theropods. Earl was astonished, pale under his puffed feathers, and all the words left his long neck.
His short, fan-like tail started to wiggle on its own, while Earl slowly realised what was happening.
Lloyd said us?
“You mean… You want… you want me to go to Hell Creek with you!?”
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