#Definitely not giving my favorite characters the stims that I have with my ADD

[kalocklyle]

Neurodivergency Coding in Disney and Nick Shows

Okay this was requested by @gstone97. I'd like to talk about neurodivergency coding in Disney Channel and Nickelodeon shows. Disney and Nick shows have A LOT of neurodivergent coding, and whether they give neurodivergent traits to characters unintentionally or intentionally to mock neurodivergency is something I've considered but have not come to an answer on. Personally, I believe the neurodivergency coding is unintentional, but I'd have to research it more. Seeing as I'm autistic and have ADHD, most of these characters will be characters I believe to have Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) or ADHD, but if you'd like to add any characters that have any other neurodivergency I'd love that.

Let's start this post off by talking about Cat Valentine from Victorious.

Although many have said that Cat may just have trauma (and I'm not arguing with that, she definitely has trauma), I'd like to argue that Cat also has Autism Spectrum Disorder. She says inappropriate things during inappropriate times. https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=246172576497297 If you watch this video you can see multiple times where she says inappropriate things. This could lend to my next point which is that Cat doesn't understand social cues. I can't find the exact example, but I believe there's a scene where Cat doesn't understand an expression. Cat also frequently uses self stimulatory behavior, also known as stimming. Additionally, Cat collects stuffed animals, which could be considered a hyperfixation.

The next character I want to talk about is Max Russo from Wizards of Waverly Place.

I'd argue that Max has ADHD. He struggles with his grades, as we see through most of the show. However, he is smart, he just needs a different learning style. One of my favorite episodes with Max in the show is the episode where the school gets a new principal and he starts doing really well in school. Despite common beliefs, Max is NOT stupid. Additionally, Max has a hard time picking up sarcasm. There are a lot of episodes where he takes things literally, which could be a symptom of autism but can also be a symptom of ADHD. He seems to go through brief phases where he's obsessed with things, such as when he gets obsessed with the idea of being Family Wizard.

Another character I believe to be autistic coded is Spencer Shay from iCarly.

Spencer's Wiki page even refers to him as "weird, eccentric." A lot of autistic people can come across as weird. Plus, Spencer's interest in art could easily be considered a hyperfixation or special interest. Plus, Spencer doesn't understand social cues. He brings home an ostrich and doesn't seem to understand why it's a problem. I definitely view him as autistic.

Another character I headcanon as autistic is Skylar Storm from "Mighty Med."

Although I could write a whole other post about the autistic coding of alien or other-worldly characters, this isn't that post. Skylar shows a lack of understanding of social cues, likely because she's from another planet, but even as time goes on Earth she fails to grasp them. She frequently says inappropriate things. She often fails to understand that Oliver is flirting with her. I would definitely argue that many of these could be due to not being from Earth, but I would definitely say she's autistic-coded regardless. Many alien characters that find their way to Earth are autistic-coded, and she definitely fits in there.

Finally, I'll talk about what to me is the most obvious autistic-coding of a character on Disney Channel: Dez Wade from Austin & Ally.

Dez fails to understand common phrases, a reoccurring joke in the show. He also fails to understand tone and doesn't seem to comprehend when people are mad at him. He seems to have a special interest in film and has a very almost obsessive relationship with Austin. He struggles socially and has difficulty making friends. I could go on and on about why he's autistic, but I won't.

Overall, I don't know why so many Disney and Nickelodeon characters are neurodivergent coded. It could be an attempt to mock neurodivergency, or it could be a completely innocent accident. I'd like to believe it's not on purpose or if it is it's not an attempt to mock autism or neurodivergency, but it's definitely possible. Also, if you're a Disney or Nickelodeon fan who's neurodivergent please watch "The Proud Family." They have a character who gets diagnosed with autism.

#disney channel #nickelodeon #cat valentine #dez wade #victorious #austin and ally #wizards of waverly place #max russo #icarly #spencer shay #skylar storm #personal essay

[gothamslostboy]

Hey there! Can I please get a matchup for both The Lost Boys and Scream please? (If not no worries!)

Im a 5'2" female with a very pear shaped body. I have neck length pink hair and blue eyes. Despite my pink hair I usually wear a lot of black and gray with a small hint of pastels. A lot of my outfits actually consists of boots, fishnets, or chains. However I also wear a lot of Hello Kitty and early 2000's cartoon shirts!

I am pansexual, but have a male lean, so I'm fine with whatever character you want to match me with! As for my hobbies I'm very big on writing and reading, dancing, and collecting dolls. My favorite animal is 100% a raccoon though! I actually used to feed and name the ones outside!

I have a hard time deciding if I like comedy or horror movies more, but I do enjoy both feelings. Despite looking edgy and coming off as cold (I'm just really awkward and shy) I'm very bubbly and can definitely be a people pleaser. I love making people laugh but I constantly worry if I'm being too annoying when doing so.

I suppose I should add in that I'm neurodivergent as well and have some slightly annoying stims. I actually got yelled at at work for one of them last week 🙃 They're usually just me air punching people, rocking, or repeating different phrases but they do annoy others sometimes. However I am also extremely forgetful and a bit ditzy, I won't lie.

I hope I'm not missing anything! Thank you:)

Hey anon, I just wanted to say really quickly that I’m sorry you feel like you annoy ppl. From this little description I think you’d be really cool:] I’m also neurodivergent and funnily enough, we share some of the same stims! Don’t worry, you’ll find the ppl who you can be yourself around eventually. hope you’re having a great day🫶

I ship you with…..

SCREAM:

Stu Macher! I hc him with autism so he understands and emphasizes with having “annoying” stims. He won’t judge you, hell he’s probably gonna develop them as his own stims.

You guys are both bubbly people, although he expresses it very obviously, and will probably spend most your time making eachother laugh. He’s also a very blunt person and will tell you straight up how he feels about anything, and prefers if you’d do the same. This makes people believe he doesn’t care about others or their feelings, but he actually cares very much for those close to him. He just needs directness to understand and problem solve.

He’s gonna fidget with your chains and fishnets when cuddling or sitting close to eachother, unless you ask him to stop. You might have to remind him again if he does it subconsciously. He adores ppl with colored hair, and will definitely match with you at some point. He loves your style and will let beg you give him a makeover at least once.

He tries to sit with you to feed raccoons, but he has to much trouble staying still and quiet enough to get close. So instead he just watches from the window smiling and making lil comments to himself like “ooo that’s a big guy”

He’s not a big reader or writer but loves to lay his head in your lap and let you read aloud to him. Any time any song comes on, he’s dragging you to the dance floor, or just on your feet to move. If you don’t want to dance with him, he just dances next to you. He looks at all your dolls and lets you rant about them, but he’s watch Child’s Play one too many times to actual hold or touch them.

You’re in luck bc Stu’s favorite genre is Horror Comedy! Any movie involving either genre is enough for him to watch it at least once or twice.

THE LOST BOYS:

Dwayne! I had a harder time picking one for TLB, but I figured it out in the end. Dwayne is an extremely patient person, especially if he cares about you. The reason Paul and Marko target David for jokes is bc it’s impossible to get a decent reaction out of Dwayne.

He loves how your styles kinda match and buys two matching chains, with little charms representing you two.

He also comes off as cold at first, but once he warms up to you he’s just a protective, sweet guy who wants his loved ones to be happy.

If anyone says anything about your stims, they’re getting hit, and an ass beating if they’re not close to him.

He likes to compare your thoughts on books together, followed by recommendations for eachother. He’s anxiously awaiting for when you finish writing, want to read it as soon as possible.

He won’t initiate dancing, but is more than willing to if you ask. He also buys accessories for your dolls, and ends up loving them almost as much as you do

#glb match making #the lost boys #scream

[rainbowroadonsteroids]

Some headcanons I have for my bestie Val's/Comet's characters!! Some of this stuff is things they've said being true about their characters too but I'd like to say it too cuz I'm not sure if they'd be stared in canon or not 🥺 also! Some of these go from @cupid-daze to @sweet-tooth-bats (tagging both of these just for convenience sake) so I'll break it up between the two stories! 🥺

Cupid Daze

Valentina 💘

I did ask about this and do imagine too Tina's mansion is pretty big; I also like to imagine it looks similar to Cupid's mansion from Fairly Odd Parents (will add a pic!) where it's very centered around a heart theme and the color pink, and the inside would have a lot of rooms, usually a duplicate of each room so that Tina can have appliances that fit their needs and appliances that can fit their kids' needs. (Given Tina is around 7'4 or taller she definitely needs appliances that she can use so she doesn't hunch a lot.)

Tina has a room connecting to hers that is a large wardrobe room, where she does her makeup and such. The room has many shelves and clothing hooks for their dresses and outfits, various shoe shelves and various places to store makeup. Also in that room you tend to find her borzoi Serena who likes to try and eat lipstick, so she has to keep the door locked.

Tina has one Sinstagram (Penstagram also exists but they duel; functions like if Instagram and TikTok has a Satanic baby, hence the name) account called MadamValentina which is mostly just her posting clips from performances and/or pictures of outfits. However they also have another account called sexynonbinarybitch which functions more as their talking point account. It's a healthy mix of her talking about issues present in the Monster Realm as well as Brittany Broski type content where you could swear Tina is stoned or drunk. (Or a bit of both.)

Tina used to have pen pals in the Human Realm, and had a pen pal named April whom she tried talking to whenever she could. Years later the two would reunite only for April to feel microscopic next to her friend 💀

The one video genre that will always get Tina giggling is Spy saying "your mother!", and she will not stop giggling about it if she watches it.

Samson 🧭

Sam has a little stim he does where he'll wave his hands around when getting overly excited, though he tries not to do it as he thinks it'll make him look weird.

After he is cursed by the Mysterious Illusionist, he starts to do things to help try to jog his memory/make sure he doesn't lose all his memories or anything like that. This leads to an issue as Sam ends up buying a crossword puzzle that is very sexual, and asks Tina "what is a seven letter word for oral sex on a man?", which causes her to start wheezing and trying not to cry from laughter.

His absolute favorite cereal is Grape Nuts and nobody knows if he truly likes this or if he's constipated.

Samson tried to twerk once and was punted across the house by Sylv. Like actually punted. This stocky little guy went flying.

Samson's phone case is a collage of black and white photos, typically of cityscapes and trains as he thinks those types of aesthetics are cool. (He also has a little skyscraper keychain on his phone 🥺)

Cedric 🧍

Just Jerma if he wasn't a human. Honestly.

Similarly to Jerma he can go from very goofy to extremely threatening in the blink of an eye. Like you do anything bad to anyone he cares about and he'll snap.

His favorite food is radishes and cheese slices, and he will just eat radishes he finds and not give two shits. Sometimes he even eats radishes with coffee.

Has a strange ability to go from a very romantic demeanor to saying shit that kills the mood. Like he will go from complimenting you and being flirty to saying shit like "the human anus can technically fit two raccoons in it" just out of nowhere.

Cedric moves in a very crunchy way like I have no idea how to explain it. He looks like his bones are cracking when he's walking. (He sometimes also does the trex walk™)

He talks about New York and how cool it is despite not knowing what it is. When given the chance to go to New York he quickly states "I have decided that New York does not pass the Bechdel Test." Nobody knows what he meant by that.

Cedric hates microwaves. Mainly because everytime he makes popcorn it burns. Like it blackens. He thinks the microwaves are the reason why the popcorn burns.

The Valentine Kids 🍒💐🦋🪡

Cherry and Tabi share a single braincell. Like. It is like the Xbox mom said they could play on they have to take turns.

Naira loves insects! He loves insects and always takes care of them like he takes care of his flowers 🥺 he's the one in the house to run over and scoop up any spiders and put them outside. (Gets extremely horrified when Indigo straight up eats spiders because they're a delicacy where he's from.)

Sylvester, despite being considered the edgy one of the family, is still a sweetie, and will help patch up any clothes that are torn, and even helps to sew up plushies and such.

Cherry is very unnerved by the idea that Griffins can give milk, meat, and eggs, as something about it doesn't sit right with her.

Tabi loves fruits, specifically melons. As a result Tina has to have cut up melon and fruit slices in the fridge so Tabi will eat something, as fruits are one of few foods they touch. (Though they love sweets as a whole.)

Naira and Sylv are not allowed to play Mario Kart together anymore. One of them slammed the other into a bookshelf, so now if they want to play it they either have to play by themselves, or with one of their other siblings, but they cannot play together whatsoever.

Arty/Arthur 🎸

Has ties to the Human Realm, and uses those ties to be able to help out those who may need the help in the realm, and also helps to organize protests in the realm.

Does a lot of volunteer work! He ranges from doing food kitchen work to handing out care packs, to even just working with animals.

Gets his sound from a mix of 70s and 80s rock, as well as heavy metal sounds.

Does costuming during performances and one of his favorites to do is one that's an homage to David Bowie, specifically a Ziggy Stardust costume!

Guitar is customized, mainly with different stickers he's collected, with concert tickets, and even little drawings old fans made.

Has a bit of a secret hobby! He goes out a lot to paint landscapes, and so he uses some of these paintings for his album covers. (One time he even gave Sylv one of the original paintings 🥺 got confused when he started crying and only realized it was because they were happy 🥺)

Miscellaneous!

The Mysterious Illusionist sounds like Peridot from Steven Universe!

Viktor and Rosie met prior to either of them transitioning, and stayed with each other through their transitions. They joke around and say they went from thinking the other was attractive, realizing they were jealous of the others features, transitioned, and thought the other was even more beautiful after they let their true self be 🥺

Illusionist wears a special sigil on their cloak, one which can be broken by a Master Illusionist.

Serena the Borzoi looks like a DreamWorks furry villain when wearing dog clothes. (Does that even make sense??)

Jazzy the Angel Pup will get extreme zoomies at times, and this leads to her actually flying around. (Sam calls her a little Helicopter Dog 🥺)

Sweet Tooth Bats

Kevin/Kirby 🎭

Sleep deprived one of the bunch and probably hasn't seen a full night's sleep since he was a young lad.

Tends to stay up doing anything but sleeping, and also tends to fall down the satisfying video rabbithole until he's half asleep and decides to go to bed.

For the most part he's the mature one of the group and is also the one who orders stuff on the other two's behalf.

Has one specific pillow he sleeps with because it's very soft and very comfortable for him.

His bed is like 99% plushies at this point.

Has over 1000+ hours in any Animal Crossing game.

Is stressed out by his merchant job and at times just wanders off and hopes nobody notices he went missing.

When they begin to date Salem and Ripley they get a bat and shark plushie 🥺

Ripley 🦈

The second half of the "fuck yeah concrete 👹" meme. So. "Fuck yeah concrete 👹"

The most likely to get into a fight for no real reason. It can be a street market, a Wendy's, somewhere in the middle of an ocean. They will fight someone.

Sometimes when they can't sleep they'll crawl into Kirby or Salem's bed to cuddle 🥺

Has a little Shark pup whom they refer to as Lil Buddy.

Thinks Merfolk are hella cool and a lot of times has the urge to go swimming with them/collect shiny rocks with them.

Has somehow found out about Jerma on Twitch. Has gotten at least three Jerma approved bans.

Has a very large obsession with the Lupin the III series and nobody has been able to figure this out, but it's most likely just because it makes them giggle.

Shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks shiny rocks

Salem 🦇

Though it is a Vampyre they don't always drink blood, usually substituting it out for apple juice or tomatoes.

When he smiles sometimes it looks like the :3 emoticon with lil fangs 🥺

Has a special witches staff that was a gift to it from his parents 🥺 he even has a little bat familiar of his own!

Very wary of humans due to their own experiences of trauma, and also wary of some other monsters due to the same reasons unfortunately.

Does have the ability to plunge into deep sleeps however does so seldomly, and only does so when he feels the need or when they just want to rest from stress.

Gives Kirby and Ripley good morning and good night hugs 🥺

Just because they seem like a pushover doesn't mean they are one. Don't test him.

Possibly lives in an abandoned castle he had revamped. (Ah? Vampire joke?) Very old appearing castle as well as a moat/lake outside he has tended to.

Dislikes garlic but not for vampire reasons! It's very strong to him and makes him feel kind of icky after consuming it :/

#for val/comet #i know you probably wont get back to this for a bit but hopefully if you feel sad/drained thisll make you feel better :} #cupid daze #sweet tooth bats #valentina valentine #samson valentine #cedric the salesman #(salesman andy 🗿) #cherry and naira heartfelt #sylvester anges #tabi the moth cupid #viktor valentine #rosalina valentine #mysterious illusionist #salem cynfael #kevin/kirby the jester #ripley the shark tamer #besties ocs!! #please check their stuff out 🥺 #cupid daze headcanons #sweet tooth bats headcanons #queuing for later #bc its almost 4am 🗿 #i also worry i might accidentally spam val/comet's stuff #and i know they are taking a mental health break #sorry if this ends up spamming you btw dearie :')

[merlilica]

For the ask game you reblogged I’m going for ivy, taro, orchid and edelweiss (you don’t have to do all of them if you don’t want to). Besides that, I hope life has been kind to you and that you are doing well! 💖

Ooo these are tough and under a cut because I like to talk a lot

Ivy: what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

When I talk i use my hands a lot so I know that when I’m excited I like. just go EVERYWHERE. I have hit multiple people and I feel so bad about it. when I’m happy about something I have caught myself hand stimming a few times/jumping up and down.

Usually when I’m tired/done in a conversation I just completely tune out and space so far I reach the andromeda galaxy lol. If it’s way too much I’ll put in earbuds because a solid consistent bass/beat gives me a kind of undertone to focus on.

Taro: if someone called you right now to catch up, what’re the things you’d tell them about?

I really hate to say this but I probably wouldn’t respond. I am uh. Very Not Social. Phone calls/texting/emails kinda freak me out because I can’t read the conversation as well.

If someone came up to me in person though, I’d definitely respond. Probably just say like hi, how’s it going, still working at [place], how’s [university] is it fun, etc.

Orchid: what’s a song you consider to be perfect?

Bear with me because I’m about to show my whole soul here. Ik it’s like cringe or whatever but I’m cringe and I am free. Imagine dragons Amsterdam. I listened to it when I was like 15 and cried. Very personal song to me.

I’ve also gotta say some weathers songs of course. Rehab, Umbrella company, sucker, casual mondays, shallow water. Not in any particular order but I did make about 36 gifs from the rehab music video so I think you’ll know which one if my favorite. I wish wish wish I could add carsick because I SCREAM it whenever it comes on my playlist but there’s one. single. line. That I just don’t like. Yes it’s the words cut like a knife line.

Everything else about that song is stunning though. 10/10 would destroy my vocal chords

Edelweiss: how’d you think of your url/username? what’s it associated with to you?

So uh. Bear with me again here. As a kid my username for EVERYTHING was preppycat. It is still saved somehow in my phone’s autocorrect (even though I didn’t have a phone at the time) and I think my early early days roblox account still exists. It was taken from this. I’m so sorry that you had to listen to that.

We travel a few years after that and holy shit the original marvel avengers is everywhere. My friends and I decide to draw each other that cat avengers. Catvengers if you will. We made fun little portmanteaus of our names with avengers characters and/or words related to cats. (I.e. Lokitty. Adorable.)

All that to say it’s like 3 generations of changes from my name with an avenger and a cat, now completely unrecognizable to what it once was. I love it.

Now it’s definitely associated with the semi-persona that goes with it for me. I think “lica” And I don’t think of me watching avengers, I think of some funky little [gender] with a mask and some suspenders.

Thanks for asking because I had a great time completely exposing myself to the world lmao. Hope you’re doing well also and be sure to drink water and have some snacks!!

✿ ask game here ✿

#ask game

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

#autism #asperger's #adhd #special interests #sensory traits #autistic traits #sorry for how long this is

[hiccanna-tidbits]

Autistic Hiccup x ADHD Anna Headcanons

SO I’ve been really into the whole Autistic x ADHD ship dynamic and Hiccanna...highkey fits??? Like y’all know I will die on my “Anna has ADHD” hill, but after reading this post by @hobie-brown I’m like wait, the autistic Hiccup headcanon is wonderful too??? And blends SO WELL with ADHD Anna??? And I absolutely HAD to explore it more so BOOM headcanon time! Another special thanks to @hobie-brown for writing the super lovely autistic Hiccup headcanon masterpost that inspired me to do this!

Disclaimer: I myself am not on the spectrum (part of the reason I’ve always felt a little weird about definitively HCing characters as autistic unless I see actual autistic people HC them that way too), so most of the stuff here is stuff I know secondhand from my autistic friends! I do have ADHD, so I can always promise that ADHD Anna will be 100% authentic XD

~Anna absolutely gets into Hiccup’s special interests to try and impress him. The most obvious one being, of course, dragons, but also dinosaurs (extinct dragons), lizards (tiny dragons), and Dungeons and Dragons (An RPG game that does, in fact, include dragons). Hiccup absolutely had that dragonology book as a kid and got obsessed with it beyond all reasonability. Hilariously, Anna’s wooing strategy of indulging his special interests works like a charm--mainly because a) he’s pretty flattered that someone takes THAT much of an interest in what he likes and b) half the time, ANNA finds that she genuinely gets into whatever said special interest is and finds them easy to hyperfixate on. It helps that the more she obsesses over it herself, the more she has to talk to Hiccup about XD

~Specifically, Anna definitely joins a DnD campaign at some point so that Hiccup will think she’s a “cool gamer girl”--and then gets unironically obsessed with it and starts writing 10-page backstories for all of her characters. She later tells Hiccup it started out as a ruse to win his heart via nerdiness, and he absolutely loses his shit laughing.

~One of their overlapping special interests/hyperfixations is high fantasy. Hiccup is, unsurprisingly, all about the mythical creatures while Anna is more into the magic and the zesty political drama, but you dun best believe they catch every CGI-ridden fantasy movie that ever comes out. They’ve both spent a literal fortune on fantasy movie tickets, even moreso on watching them in 3D or Imax. How embarrassing for both of them.

~Another less-obvious overlapping interest is history. Hiccup gets into it while looking into the cultural mythos of dragons (he’s pretty fascinated by the fact that so many cultures around the world thought up similar creatures independently), while Anna gets into it because she grew up cooped up bored and lonely in a big house, and entertained herself by looking into the history behind some of the family paintings. They don’t seem it at first, but they’re actually both huge medieval and ancient civilization history buffs.

~Hiccup is THE most touch-repulsed person you will ever meet. This is unfortunate, as he is also SUPER touch-starved and absolutely does not realize it (I mean, I’ve never gotten the vibe Stoic was the super huggy type, considering his and Hicc’s relationship in HTTYD 1). This means he has absolutely no fucking clue what to make of Anna when they first meet meet. Anna’s the sort of person to give physical affection pretty freely, especially if she likes you--usually in the form of hugs, arm pats or playful swats, putting her elbow on your shoulder, etc etc. Hiccup is kinda just like “this is way too much touching but like??? I kinda like having her this close to me??? What do???”

~Anna, meanwhile, notices that Hiccup kinda stiffens up whenever she touches him and seems to not be crazy about it and she’s just immediately like “yo what’s wrong???” And as SOON as he admits he’s not all that crazy about being touched randomly she’s like “OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY” and never touches him without asking again.

~As soon as she finds out touch a kind of A Whole Thing for him, Anna is like...AGGRESSIVELY respectful of Hiccup’s boundaries when it comes to physical affection. Almost annoyingly so. She gets in the habit of basically never initiating any kind of physical touch without asking first--even long after they’ve started dating, and he’s told her it’s okay to initiate touching as long as she’s not smothery about it. She still refuses out of principle.

~They come up with a kind of “consent language” so Anna can pretty quickly determine when it’s all right to touch Hiccup--because Anna still really likes being physically affectionate with him, and he does actually like receiving physical affection a lot of the time (because, again, touch-starved), he’s just choosy about who does it. They work out a system based off of small, light touches that Hiccup doesn’t mind where it’s basically 2 taps on his shoulder for “can I hug you around the neck,” 2 taps on his side for “can I hug you around the waist,” 2 taps on his arm for “can I grab/lightly slap/punch your arm,” and 1 tap on is shoulder for “can I put my arm/elbow on your shoulder.” If he’s cool with it he’ll either nod or just say “yeah go ahead.” It works a lot quicker than asking “can I do such-and-such specific touch” every single time, and allows Anna to keep some of her spontaneity. They develop this during their friendship and it ends up rolling over into their relationship, even after Hiccup has basically told her she doesn’t need to ask permission for a lot of these anymore. She adds a new one after they start dating--she taps him a couple times wherever she wants to kiss him to ask if it’s cool to give him a smooch! It usually is.

~INFODUMPING. Literally SO. MUCH. INFODUMPING. Hiccup absolutely WILL NOT SHUT UP when he gets to talking about one of his special interests. Anna just will not shut up in general, but when the topic changes to one of her hyperfixations, it’s even worse. If you try to have a conversation with these two while they’re infodumping, you WILL get talked over. Honestly, left to their own devices, they could probably infodump to each other for literal days on end.

~Despite how much they both like to infodump, they’re both pretty good about being patient and indulging the other when it’s their partner’s turn to infodump in the conversation XD They are, however, notorious about accidentally triggering a barely-related infodump in the other person. It’s not uncommon for one of them to finish a rant and then the other goes “OH THAT REMINDS ME” and sets off on a completely different, barely-related rant.

~Hiccup actually really appreciates how overexpressive--and occasionally overdramatic--Anna tends to be. He never has to try and figure out what she’s thinking because she just says everything in her brain, and her body language basically always matches how she’s feeling to a ridiculous extent, so he never has to give himself a headache trying to read her. The fact that she’s the opposite of subtle and has no filter whatsoever works great for him, because he doesn’t have to drive himself insane trying to understand her. He gets her better than he gets most people because she’s an open goddamn book. The boy’s never been the best with social cues at all, never mind the nuanced, obscure ones, so Anna’s general straightforwardness and utter inability to hide her true feelings at literally any time is a breath of fresh air. What you see is basically what you get, and Hiccup wouldn’t have it any other way.

~People think when Anna and Hiccup start dating it’s gonna be a disaster, mainly because he’s so blunt and she can be...”oversensitive” (i.e. has a REALLY bad case of RSD). Turns out they’re dead wrong--because Hiccup has RSD too! (I mean, come ON--look how BADLY he wants to get his village’s approval! And how hard he takes it when his dad or someone else is mad at him--even if he tries to hide it with snark) He’s actually one of the few people who can be blunt enough with Anna that she realizes when she’s being a dumbass but tactful enough not to hurt her feelings or set off her RSD--because god, has he been there. When Anna is being especially difficult and has worked herself into a real bad funk, Hiccup (and sometimes Elsa) is the only people who can talk to her and get through to her without getting blown up at.

~They stim in similar ways!!! They both tend to fidget or kinda bounce up in down in place as a way to comfort themselves and calm themselves down (I see them both having a lot of anxiety and generally being kind of paranoid, although Anna is MUCH better at hiding this via putting on a cheerful face). They both do the leg bounce!!! Also if they get SUPER excited they’ll do a little awkward happy dance!!! They both also tend to stim by rubbing things in small, repetitive motions--with Hiccup, it’s usually his sketching pens, his ear, his head, or the back of his neck, while with Anna, it’s usually her other hand, her arm, her clothes, or really anything with kind of a comforting, consistent texture (some favorites are rubber, felt, and velvet). After they start dating, they actually will stim with each other’s hands while holding hands--usually by squeezing the other person’s hand in kind of a repetitive pattern or doing the thumb-rub thing on the back of the other person’s hand. It’s not uncommon for them to each be doing something completely unrelated while holding hands and just stimming on each other’s hands the entire time. Anna especially really loves when she feels Hiccup stimming on her, because it’s her little indicator that he’s happy and feels at peace and content in her presence and she LOVES being able to do that for him!

~They both stim by playing with hair too! Anna likes to play with her own to stim--mainly by figeting with the end of her braids or tucking hair behind her ear. She DOES love to ruffle Hiccup’s hair too (and she LOVES how fluffy it is!), but it’s usually not a stim thing. After they start dating, Anna does occasionally stim by massaging Hiccup’s hair/scalp, but she doesn’t usually do it for very long. Hiccup really loves braiding Anna’s hair, or just playing with it when it’s down. it helps him relax and clear his mind to have something fairly repetitive and/or mindless to do.

~Even after gaining some confidence, Hiccup still has a fair bit of social anxiety, so he and Anna basically always go to parties and social events together and stick with each other the whole time to make it less intimidating for him. Hiccup generally prefers to let Anna do the talking when they chat with people, and sometimes if he’s REALLY nervous he’ll sometimes even let her kinda talk for him (not in a condescending “speaking over” kinda way, but more in like a “I can sense you’re not comfortable speaking here so I’ll help you out as best I can” kinda way). She always makes sure to leave space in the conversation for him to take over talking if he wants. She’s also incredibly prone to bragging about his accomplishments to basically everyone they know. Hiccup is both embarrassed and flattered by this.

~When Anna finds out about meltdowns (probably through Hiccup mentioning it kind of offhandedly--“Eh, sorry I went AWOL last night, I was having a bit of a meltdown. Don’t worry about it, I’m fine now.”) she lowkey gets super anxious and frustrated because she REALLY wants to help, but has no idea how. Cue literal HOURS of research on the internet and AGGRESSIVE memorizing of any and all tips that she reads that she thinks would help. Which, of course, means several MORE hours spent going over flashcards like she’s studying for a goddamn test, because Anna has never been known for her sharp, expansive memory.

~The first time Hiccup ever has a meltdown in front of her (maybe after a really bad phone fight with his dad or something? Just general sensory overload?), she takes him to a secluded room and IMMEDIATELY gets rid of anything that could be agitating sensory-wise. She dims the lights! She closes the blinds! She throws a nearby clock, an alarm, a timer, and several other objects with only the slightest potential of making an annoying noise out of a nearby window in a fit of passion! She goes on a frenzied quest to find Hiccup’s noise-cancelling headphones--and finishes it in record time! Even in a state of emotional turmoil, Hiccup realizes that Anna’s being just a little too methodical in how she goes about all this--these are the kind of things that wouldn’t ever occur naturally to her to do. So as soon as he calms down a bit and has screamed into a pillow for a while, he’s like “...did you go on the internet to look up how to help with meltdowns?” and Anna’s like “...yes?” And Hiccup is lowkey so touched he starts crying all over again...and then, naturally, makes a long string of snarky comments to try and distract from it XD

~For their anniversary Anna saves up a bunch and buys Hiccup a lizard and a terrarium!!! She gets him a crocodile skink because, I quote, “Well, they always look annoyed, they’re kinda shy, they don’t like to be touched, and they look like tiny dragons, so they reminded me of you!!!” Hiccup screams like a goddamn fangirl, he’s SO excited. As luck would have it, Hiccup’s crocodile skink is a lot less skittish and prone to hiding than they usually are, and he actually lets Hiccup pick him up and pet him without much issue. Which is honestly great, because repeatedly touching something smooth and even like lizard scales helps calm Hiccup down when he’s agitated and helps with some of his sensory issues.

~Probably goes without saying, but Hiccup basically NEVER genuinely gives Anna a hard time about her memory problems or how she’s not always the quickest on the uptake, and if anyone tries to call her annoying, dumb, or immature he will absolutely roast them into oblivion. He does sometimes like...lightly tease her about jumping into things without thinking or never shutting up, but he never pushes it if he can tell she’s genuinely bothered by it (and, again, Anna is very easy to read, so it’s not hard to tell XD)

~I’ve seen other people in the fandom HC either Hiccup, Anna, or both of them as BOTH autistic and ADHD, and honestly...fuck yes!!! I’m down for this too! I love the idea of these two disaster ND kids just vibing with each other on so many damn levels that it’s like...incomprehensible to the average human XD Like man, they fuckin GET each other!!! I’m pretty happy with most combinations of ADHD + Autistic headcanons for Anna and Hiccup, so long as they end up vibing!!!

~THEY JUST. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. SO MUCH. THEY LITERALLY WOULD DIE FOR EACH OTHER. I AM SURE OF IT. I’M CRYING. 

#hiccanna #hiccup x anna #anna x hiccup #hiccup #anna #hiccupxanna #annaxhiccup #autistic hiccup #adhd anna #headcanons #hcs #httyd #frozen #crossover #rotbtd #rotbtfd #hiccup haddock #princess anna

[lost-caticorn]

Izuku Midoriya (Deku) is autistic - HC

Hi hi ~ so I am autistic and I strongly headcanon most of BNHA's characters as neurodiverse (and gay but that’s another story). I think that Deku is definitely autistic and here are the main reasons why. For this “analysis” I’ve used both the anime (until s4 which is currently airing) and bits of the manga.

(I’ve had comments on my previous autistic headcanons pointing out that I was projecting myself onto the characters and YES I am very much doing this. No but seriously, I am writing about why I think certain characters have the same neurodivergence as me so yes of course I’m going to use my own life as a reference and as a material to explain why I think the way I do. If it bothers you it’s fine but don’t spread negativity is all I ask for.)

All autistics are welcomed to add to this post btw I’d love to have more perspectives <3

1. Stimming

I feel like this one is extremely obvious so I'll start with it: Deku is one stimmy boi omg. Just look at the way he swings on his chair before watching that one All Might video:

“Stimming” also known as “self regulatory behaviour” is basically the repetition of movements, sounds, visual stimulation. It’s a way for autistic people to calm and reassure themselves, concentrate and express their feelings.

I’m also putting his mumbling in here because it’s very common for autistics to talk to themselves, it’s a form of vocal stimming:

2. Special interest

"special interest" is a term used by autistic people to refer to the topics that interest them. When we're invested in something it's not just a hobby. For us it becomes an obsession, we think about it 24/7 thus why we have a word for it. A special interest is not only an obsession, it's a safe place, an escape route if the reality becomes overwhelming, something that gives us a joy and fulfilment.

All Might and generally Heroes are Deku's special interest. He spent years to research and gather all informations in books. He's so obsessed he goes back into 'fanboy mode' super fast and forgets the time and place at times. He knows everything by heart AND well enough to use it directly in battles.

Also like his mumbling could be due to him being in hyperfocus: an intense form of mental concentration that focuses consciousness on a subject, topic, or task. Hyperfocusing on special interests is something quite common for autistics. He’s so focused that he forgets that it's not really “appropriate” (by society’s standards) to do that when other people are around.

AND he does that quite a bit huh.

3. Blunt, honest and infodumping

Deku is very honest and isn't afraid of being vulnerable. This is something I tend to observe with the autistic community because we simply don't see why some things are considered shameful or embarrassing. We say what we think and we don't see the wrong in that.

He has a tendency to infodump: Infodumping is the practice, common amongst autistic people, of giving intricately detailed summaries of their topic of interest in single heaps. This can occur in conversation both online and offline. "Speaking in paragraphs" is another way to describe this. It happens multiple times in the manga but this one is my favorite example:

First of all, he was SO stressed at the beginning of the interview. Again, this is interesting in itself because Deku is not shy, he’s usually more on the spontaneous side. It reminds me of when he had to be funny with Sir Nighteye to gain his approval because he was surprisingly very stiff. This makes me think that maybe he feels uncomfortable in any social situation he’s not already familiar with. That’s... Very relatable as an autistic person because most of us also have social anxiety.

Anyway, about the infodumping. This example perfectly shows the switch that occurs in his behaviour before and after a special interest is brought up. When being asked about himself he doesn’t know what to say at all but he gets loud the moment he’s asked about All Might and start literally speaking in paragraphs. When can clearly see that he’s not stiff anymore. Talking about All Might was both a relief and something that got him suddenly excited.

4. Bullied

I find it so interesting that the series begins with Deku's perspective and within the first pages we are already introduced to the concept of inequality in this world. People are not born equal. Deku learns it very early at age 4 because he's quirkless and I can't help but draw a parallel with neurodiversity. 

He's bullied for being different, for not having a capacity that others have, for not meeting expectations.... This reminds me of almost every autistic person ever unless they become very good at masking (hiding autistic traits) very fast. Also he points out a few times that he’s probably not only bullied for not having a quirk. This makes me think that even if he had one he would have been ostracised anyway. Maybe being quirkless drew attention on him but he was different from the start. As an autistic person I relate so much to this and I think the discrimination he faces is very relatable to a lot of neurodiverse folks. This is my interpretation of this aspect of Deku.

5. Strong sense of justice

No I'm not saying that us autistics are better people BUT I think we have a strong sense of justice that we aren't afraid to show no matter the circumstances. A lot of people don't express when the feel like something is unfair mostly because of social rules but because we're quite blind to these we often blur out things without even thinking or considering time and place. I think we see that in Deku's childhood especially when he stands up for his beliefs while being quirkless and powerless.

6. He comes up with unique ways

Something very interesting with deku is how he always manage to come up with a unique plan. I think this is something most autistic people relate with because we often perceive things a bit differently than most and as a result we have unique ways to achieve our goals.

Ok and that’s all for me ~

Honestly there is not one single moment of him that makes me think he’s not on the autism spectrum lol. I could understand people disagreeing with other headcanons but this one?

I’ve seen posts talking about hyper empathy as an autistic trait Deku has and I didn’t put it in here because I don’t feel knowledgeable enough on the subject to touch it. That being said I think it’s a very interesting point to make! 

Anyway if you’re still here, thanks for reading I hope it was enjoyable!

#bnha #deku #midoriya izuku #bnha hc #my hero academia #autistic headcanon #autism #neurodiversity #actuallyneurodiverse #autistic culture #aspergers #aspie #stimming #bullying #special interest

[words-writ-in-starlight]

Can I just say oh my god please yes read spinning silver!!! It’s so good and so thought provoking and the bits that unflinching examine the Jewish experience of always side-eyeing a non-Jewish neighbour when they’re looking for a scapegoat were stunning and really informative (I’m not Jewish and it was such a learning experience actually). Also!! What’s your favourite bit of astolats Witcher fics? You mentioned them and no one I know has read them ☹️ so pardon my excitement) anyway

That sounds EXTREMELY GOOD and also my beautiful, amazing, wonderful partners bought me nothing but books for Christmas, I have all of the Lotus War books and Akata Witch and the first and second Children of Blood and Bone AND they also got me Kindle Unlimited which means that.  I am about to make some very questionable decisions about how to use my time.  

(I’m going to try and get the entire Witcher series.  That’s what I’m doing.  But I’ll add Spinning Silver to my list once I’ve made that initial sally.)

AND MY FAVORITE PARTS OF ASTOLAT’S WITCHER FIC ARE ALL OF THE PARTS.

In all seriousness, the conversation between Geralt and Emhyr at the end of Cursed is the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my life (“Would you like to be imperial consort?” “WHAT?” “Would you like me to take you to bed immediately?” “….yes??????”).  And I was on a bus full of people during the siege planning/battle scene in Misethere and l almost vibrated out of my skin with Thwarted ADHD Stim Energy.

I just live for good battle scenes, holy shit, the calm measured assessment of “Of course they believe this is the entire Nilfgaardian army, because as far as they know, it’s impossible for anyone to be here, so since we’re doing the impossible we might as well have brought everyone” was so amazing.  I have read entire books for the promise of a good battle scene and Misethere delivered in spades (obviously, I mean, I’ve read Temeraire).  I live for a good cavalry charge, especially when combined with the trope of “this character renowned for their cold heart and tactical brilliance is doing something kind of stupid for someone they love” and getting to see both Emhyr and Ciri go full throttle on that was a reverent joy.

Also my secret favorite trope in any universe with magic is “love potions but make it complicated” (the affected person doesn’t change their behavior because they’re in love/they actually for real fall in love during the potion’s effect/they did it to their own self because they were eyeball deep in their schemes and forgot that feelings exist) so Misethere also really treated me right on that.

Honestly if I had to pick a favorite romantic dynamic, “gruff loyalty-driven secretly brilliant lionheart/cold merciless Machiavellian king” would be an incredibly strong contender (other things that can fit at least part of that definition: Hawkeye/Mustang, Vasya/Morozko, Sarah/Jareth, Damen/Laurent, etc).  And (spoilers for the show) Emhyr and Geralt are both Ciri’s dad but in wildly different contexts, a father who can give her an empire but hasn’t been there, a father who can’t give her anything except protection but who’s been right there when she needed him, and I’m hysterically invested in Geralt and Ciri’s relationship, so……

Yeah, I’d have gotten to Emhyr/Geralt on my own free time but goddamn do I appreciate being spiked down the line to “actually this is THE ship I care about” so quickly.

#the witcher #spinning silver #witcher #i love it? i love it #it is not without flaw but i love it desperately anyway #i'm going to write some fic #probably something hideously tender and familial like 'five times someone else called geralt ciri's dad and one time he said it' #found family but make it angst and tenderness #the books are really swinging for the fences with trying to make me care about geralt/yennefer #but mmmmmm hey listen #if this was five entire novels of geralt teaching ciri to hunt monsters and her holding his hand after a nightmare #i would be ecstatic #she HOLDS his HAND after she has NIGHTMARES #this BABY #i have some au ideas including 'the law of surprise interacts strangely with pavetta's magic and ciri is born a witcher with geralt's eyes' #'and calanthe S T I L L does not make the right judgement call when the chips are down' #i just really like the idea of ciri being visibly and obviously marked as Not Quite Right for the royal line #a l s o #soulmate au where geralt and ciri have each other's handprints on their palms where geralt led her out of the forst #ciri grows up strictly banned from asking about the handprint that wraps all the way around her fingers and palm #geralt doesn't have a mark until ciri is born and then he has a tiny delicate-fingered bruise on his palm for twelve years #he knows fucking EXACTLY whose mark that is and he wears gloves thank you #and then in the forest after he releases her and asks her quietly if she's all right he holds out his hand without thinking #and ciri sees the mark on his palm and pulls off her glove to fit her hand into it exactly #ciri's hand is wrapped with gold for the rest of her life--as gold as a witcher's eyes #a queue we will keep and our honor someday avenge #nebulae-unravelling #asked and answered

[meggtheegg]

Hey! I've noticed that you do these "actor interpretations" for the actors of Dear Evan Hansen. They are all really good interpretations and I wanted to ask if you could possibly do one for all of the Evan actors that you have seen up to this point. I know that I am asking a lot out of you, but I would be very appreciative! Your reviews are so in-depth and I love reading them all!

Just want to say, this ask absolutely made my day! Thank you! I’d be more than happy to do more of these. They’re a lot of fun for me :D This one is going to be more specifically about the different actors’ techniques to convey Evan’s personality, but if you want one that’s more about Evan as a character, feel free to ask! 

Michael Lee Brown - So MLB was the first Evan I ever saw, and he will probably always be my favorite. The biggest thing that stands out with his interpretation vs most of the others is that MLB’s Evan is unquestionably autistic. All the Evans seem to have a nervous tic, but with him, it very clearly crosses into stimming. Constantly moving his hands, toying with his backpack strings or his tie or the cast. Seeking sensory input all the time. Very obviously making his worst decisions when people are yelling, ie. sensory overload. Those are just a few examples out of many, but I think you get the point. I’ve made lots of posts before breaking down why Evan is a better character if he’s on the spectrum, and I truly believe making that canon is the best way to go. What’s also really nice about MLB is that he has faith in people liking him. Some other actors try way too hard to be likable, in fear that Evan’s choices will make the audience hate him. MLB knows that if he clearly establishes Evan as a good but flawed person early on, then by Act 2, he can kind of be a jerk and not lose the audience’s support. And he is a jerk, especially towards Jared, and that makes for a very interesting show. If Evan is always a victim, then it’s just two and a half hours of the world beating up on a kid with anxiety. If Evan is clearly the cause of most of his own problems, especially in Act 2, it becomes so much more compelling, because there’s suddenly much more depth to both Evan and the people around him. Also, his chemistry with Mallory Bechtel is beyond anything I’ve ever witnessed in an onstage pair. I actually think the Evan/Zoe romance is pretty badly written, but they make it work. They look at each other with this powerful, innocent adoration. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

Colton Ryan - I was lucky enough to see the show almost exactly a week after the first time I saw it. Ben Platt was out for those two weeks, and MLB and Colton went on alternating days. So, the second time, I got Colton, and he made for an entirely different show. Much like Michael, a lot of his Evan comes from the physicality, but in a very different way. MLB’s Evan, up until the orchard scene, always looks like he’s not quite sure how to hold himself, and he usually takes up a lot of space. Colton starts out very intentionally making himself as small as possible. Hunched over, eyes on the floor, arms pulled in or wrapped around himself. He also speaks more timidly and quickly, like he wants to get talking to people over with. Sometimes, he even stutters. His Evan is definitely not on the spectrum, but is the best representation of crippling social anxiety I’ve seen. As the show goes on, he grows more confident and his posture gets better, he becomes more expressive, and he radiates this energy that always comes with newfound confidence. When the truth comes out, though, you physically see him wither, right back to how he was in the beginning, and it’s only then that you realize just how much he’d changed. Another interesting element to his Evan that is entirely out of his control is his appearance. An argument could be made pretty easily that Colton is the most “conventionally attractive” of the Evans. He looks like the kind of kid who’d be really popular in high school, and the fact that he’s not gives a pretty clear indication of just how scared and withdrawn he is. And, it makes his sudden popularity and relationship with Zoe feel a little more empty, but (unfortunately) much more realistic.

Taylor Trensch - Poor Taylor was wildly miscast in this role. It’s not his fault, at all. He just wasn’t a good choice. His voice didn’t fit the music style, and it’s painful listening to the vocal damage between his first and last show. He’s also been out of high school for a long time. Where the others were recent college graduates, Taylor has been out of college and living adult life for so long that he seemed to struggle to convey what it’s like to be a teenager. He always acted either too young or too old, and like I mentioned with MLB, he tried way too hard to make the audience like him. Even if it made the other characters’ reactions make no sense, he constantly made Evan the oblivious good guy who smiled his way through every poor decision and genuinely adored his mom and saw Jared as his best friend and put all his energy into the Connor Project. Everyone’s sudden anger at him in Good For You seems out of left field, and there is no satisfaction when his mom apologizes, because it feels like it doesn’t fit. He clearly tried his best, and he seems like an incredibly kind person, but Evan Hansen just wasn’t the right role for him.

Roman Banks - God, I love Roman, and I love everything that comes with his Evan. There’s something so powerful about the Connor Project being entirely made up of black kids, after the original version of the show was so overpoweringly white. As for his performance, he seems to have taken a lot of cues from Ben and MLB, in his physicality and his line delivery, but he did definitely add his own spin on things. His Evan is so sweet and you just want to hug him, always. He’s quiet and shy, but super friendly. That’s the biggest change between MLB and him. He’s a lot nicer and has far less of an edge. But why does it work with him, but not with Taylor?  Well, instead of being cheerful and friendly because that’s just how he is, Roman’s Evan is clearly terrified of not being perceived as nice. It’s essentially a coping mechanism. If he’s nice to everyone, he won’t get hurt. So he feels like he has to be sweet all the time, and when it becomes impossible, he gets frustrated. When he fights with his mom, he’s upset because she’s not getting it, but he’s also not trying to help her get it. I think he works very hard to be so kind to people and feels put-out when it seems like others aren’t putting that effort in. He’s naïve and definitely doesn’t understand others as well as he thinks he does. Something about him, more than any of the others I’ve seen, genuinely feels like a teenager. And this was his debut performance. I would love to see him become the full-time Evan or the alternate after MLB is gone, so he could have a chance to really grow and evolve, because if he was already that good, I can’t even imagine how amazing he could become.

[scriptautistic]

I didn't think I saw anything about this topic, so I was wondering if you had any resources on echolalic speech patterns for characters. I have one character who I intend on writing with these patterns but have no idea how to write them (especially since she has delayed echolalia, but nothing really to replicate except what her colleagues say to her).

Hi! First of all, I’m intending on writing up a complete post on echolalia some day, but in the meanwhile, for our readers who are not familiar with it, I’ll leave you with this excellent video by Amythest Schaber which explains the different types of echolalia and why an autistic person might use them. There also are tons of resources in the description so you can check these out.

If using delayed echolalia, your character will basically quote things which she has heard before. They can be complete sentences or fragments of sentences or even disjointed words. They can come from what has been said to her by people, from what she has heard (for example on TV/ on the radio/ in a song…), or even from what she has said herself. She may have heard these words only a few minutes ago, or more than 10 years ago if they have particularly marked her.

Here are some common patterns:

Using pop culture references. This is so common it’s almost become stereotypical. I don’t know your story, but if it takes place in our universe, your character could definitely quote her favorite movies or famous songs, or TV ads. And if the story is taking place in another universe, this is a great occasion for some worldbuilding! What are iconic pieces of media in your world? In historical fiction in a European setting, this would probably translate into quoting the bible when relevant. In a futuristic sci-fi setting, it’s up to you to invent hundreds of years of pop culture!

Using common idioms, phrases and sayings. Even if your universe doesn’t have a pop culture per se, they will probably have proverbs. These are phrases which are commonly heard and repeated, so using them as echolalia makes sense.

Speech mannerisms. These are phrases they use all the time, which will often be their go-to response. Most people have these, but they’re often more commonly used by autistic people. Speech mannerisms can mean using short filler words such as “like”, which is not really what I’m talking about here. Let me give you a few examples of what I mean. Here’s a personal one: When someone says something along the lines of “what do you want to do?” or “what are we going to do?”, my first response is almost always “pancakes”, even if it’s usually completely nonsensical in the context. This is not my actual answer, just something I say automatically and which gives me time to think. I even say that a an answer to “what do you want to eat” when I don’t want to eat pancakes at all. Another example could be immediatly replying “You’re the X” when someone says a sentence which contains the word X, even when it makes no sense whatsoever. And these mannerisms are very easy to “catch” from other people.

Using sentences they have heard a lot in their life, for instance words their parents would say to them as a child.

But really, they could quote about anything as long as they’ve heard it before. For your character, this could include what her colleagues say to her, but also everything she’s ever heard and she remembers. You don’t have to pull dialogue from your own story for her echolalia, it could be words she’s heard a stranger say in the bus as she was making her way to the office, or something she’s heard on TV, or something she remembers her sibling saying as a kid. You can get as creative as you want here. Keep in mind why she is using echolalia. Is it stimming ? If so, she’ll probably be repeating words which sound nice to her (bubbles!). Is she communicating? There will be a connection between the echolalia she uses and the meaning she’s trying to get across (eg : “Do you want juice?” to mean “I am thirsty”.)

I hope I’ve answered your question. If I haven’t, please shoot us another ask with more détails!

-Mod Cat

I just want to add that although the word “echolalia” is usually used in terms of aural things the person has heard, there is a very similar (in my mind, identical) thing that uses things someone reads, especially if they are hyperlexic (learned to read at a very young age - before 5, often as young as 2 - with little to know instruction). I am hyperlexic and learned to read at 3, and I personally thank books for many of the social skills I seemed to possess at a young age. I consumed books at an incredible rate and on a wide range of topics, mostly fiction. Most of the time, when I was having a conversation with someone, I was pulling some or all of my side of the conversation from various conversations and prose I’d read in books, though no one ever suspected that. Because I “hear” what I read in my head, I remembered it the same way I would remember a spoken conversation, and was able to echo it later. Rather than seeing my odd speech patterns as a sign of autism, I was frequently praised for being so eloquent and having such a big vocabulary for my age, and for speaking like someone much older than me (because I was generally echoing adults). I still have a plethora of favorite phrases and sentences which are pulled from books I read as a child. Sometimes I hope that someone will catch on and get the reference, but so far, no one ever does.

The character doesn’t have to be hyperlexic to use something they’ve read in this way, though. Any level of reading can work. Even something they saw in an advertisement on the side of a bus can be added to their internal library.

The internet is also a big source these days. I have a lot of phrases in my library which come from Homestar Runner cartoons I watched in high school, or articles I read on Cracked, for example. This could potentially include grammatically incorrect writing that people use online. 

Also, be aware that words learned by reading are often pronounced wrong. If your character prefers communicating in writing rather than speech, they might mispronounce many words when speaking. People tend to laugh at someone who does this, especially if it’s someone who’s usually eloquent and uses a lot of big words. (I really need to do a masterpost on hyperlexia someday!)

Basically, yes, people who are mostly nonverbal or not very verbal might use a lot of echolalia. However, even those who seem to speak very well might use a lot more of this type of scripting than you think. If people knew how much of my speech is directly quoted from another source or from scripts I’ve compiled in my head over the years, they would be very surprised indeed.

Happy writing!

-Mod Aira

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