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127-mile · 3 years

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Une seconde avant noël.

Pairing: Lee Ten x reader.

Genre: Christmas, exes, fake dating, feelings realization / Fluff, angst.

Warnings: Vulgar language, alcohol consumption.

Word count: +5.2k.

Prompt chosen: It’s Christmas Eve. It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.

Plot: What an idea to break up before Christmas, Ten thinks, as he announces to his mother that yes, you will indeed be present at the annual party organized for Christmas Eve.

A/N: This is part of the Walking in a winter wonderland collab hosted by @suh-insane and @neocitybynight.

"Do you always have to be in my way? Fuck Ten, be careful where you are going!" you growl, looking at the content of the box strewn on the floor. You have a ton of work to finish if you want to have a meal break, and Ten really is not making it easy for you. "You piss me off." you mumble as you kneel to retrieve the glitter bloxes, and sigh in exasperation when you notice of them opened. You'll find glitter everywhere for a month at this point. Who is stupid enough to think of glitter as a passable Christmas present for a child, you think, rolling your eyes.

"Can't you be polite? We have customers, damn it!" you turn your face to Ten who looks at you as if you caused the accident yourself when this idiot was hunched over his phone at the time of the impact. "And you, can't you at least pretend to work instead of checking how many sluts you'll be able to bring in your dingy apartment this weekend?" you stuff the glitters into the box while huffing, you can't take any more. If you didn't need the money so much, you would quit your job this instant.

Ten's chuckle is enough to make you angry once again. You can not stand hearing him and his stupid laugh anymore, and if you looked up at him, you would see his annoying little smile. "Are you jealous?" he asks, and you bite your lip so as not to laugh. They are causing enough commotion in the middle of the store, you do not need your boss to come and see what's going on. "Jealous? But why would I be jealous, Ten. You really need to take the time to think and calm your fucking ego, it's not good for you."

"I'm not saying you are jealous, I'm just saying that worrying about who I can bring back to my apartment is suspicious." you look at him, shaking your head. God damn his face would be beautiful with your fist pressed against. "You're so full of yourself Ten. I don't care what garbage you take home, all I want is for you to get down to work, before if you haven't noticed yet, it is almost Christmas and the store is full of customers."

"Garbage?" he asks, tilting his head, and you turn on your heels. "As far as I know, I took you back to my apartment at one point." it is too much for you. You leave the arts and crafts section, and you put the box at the feet of one of your colleagues who looks at you, incredulous. "I'm going to be sick, can you take care of it." you are not sick, but if you stay with Ten for a minute longer, you will eventually be.

You ignore a client who ask you about an interactive teddy bear they sac on TV, and you know it's wrong, but you have no choice, or you'll end up spitting your venom on a poor innocent person who wants nothing more than to please someone for Christmas. You push the door to the break room, and you walk to the bathroom. As you thought, it's empty. The boss doesn't allow anyone to go while they are working.

You push the door open, and you sit on the closed toilet. It is not the cleanest place, but it is the only place where you'll have time to think, and where you can calm your sudden urges for murder. It's sad to see where the relationship between you and Ten is. It was not always like that. There was a time when you weren't insulting each other at any opportunity, when you could smile at each other without wanting to throw up. There was a time when you were in love, and convinced that you would spend the rest of your life together.

You tense when you hear the door open, and you remain silent, pressing your hand against your mouth, as if it would help you go unnoticed when your feet are visible under the door gap. "Y/n?" of course, there is only Ten to follow you to the toilet. He approaches the door and you see by his movements that he sits on the floor. You grimace, because you do not know how long the cleaning person has stopped washing the once white tiles.

"Ten, it's disgusting on the floor." you mumble, and hear him sigh. "What do you want? What's important enough for you to follow me into the bathroom?" you ask in a voice barely above a whisper. "I am sorry." he says, and you shake your head. This is not the first time you've found yourselves apologizing to each other after a little quarrel in the middle of the store, and you know it won't be the last time either.

"We only have one week left before Christmas, after that we won't have to see each other as much anymore. Can't we make an effort to ignore each other?" your voice is so weak, Ten feels his heart skip a beat. He never wanted the situation between the two of you to become so chaotic. He wanted nothing more than to be happy. Be happy with you.

"But- but I don't want to ignore you." Ten answers, and you get up to open the door. The boy almost rocks forward, since his forehead was pressed against the door. "Ten, you need to learn about the existence of germs on the bathrooms." he smiles weakly, and he stands up too, dusting his uniform pants. "What do you propose?" you ask, cocking your head.

"We're burying the hatchet." Ten crosses his arms against his chest, and you sigh. "Ten, we've already tried dozens of times since we broke up, and it always comes back to the same scenario. It's useless."

For the first time since they broke up, you do not pull back when he puts his hand on your arm. "But we can try. For real this time. We were friends before we were a couple, maybe we can be again?" there is so much hope in his voice, and in his eyes, that you can't afford to deny him anything. "We can try." you finally say, and Ten's smile is so bright that you could almost be blinded.

"Perfect! So will you come with me to the party my parents are hosting for Christmas Eve?" he asks, and this time, you pull back at his touch, and you clench your fist to punch him in the shoulder. He whines loudly and you refrain from not doing it again. "You asshole! Why are you doing this to me?" Every year, the Lee family host a Christmas Eve party. It's always lavish, with beautiful decorations, and exquisite food. You loved spending Christmas Eve with Ten's family. So reminding you that you will not be attending this year hurts.

"But I'm serious!" he explains by rubbing his shoulder. He takes a step back to make sure he doesn't get another hit, he knows you all too well. "You are invited." you frown as you dig your hands into the pockets of your pants. "We are not together anymore, why would you parents invite me?" for a moment Ten looks embarrassed, and he is unable to meet your gaze. "Ten, what are you hiding from me?" he hops from one foot to the other, and you are ready to ask him if he feels like pissing when he opens his mouth to explain. "It may well be that I didn't tell my parents we broke up."

"But why Ten? You told me you did! It's been months now." the fact that he is embarrassed is at least a good thing, he is still human. "I was going to do it, I promise, but my mom started talking about the party, and hse said she missed you and really can't wait to see you. You know how much my mom adores you, I didn't want to break her heart!"

It's really mean to include his mother and her love for you in the story, because he knows you considered Ten's mother like your own when you first met her. "I'll tell them everything after the holidays, I promise! If you come, I'll never ask you anything again, and I'll disappear if that's what you want."

"I hate you, Ten." even though it's a phrase he doesn't like to hear, he knows you do not mean it. At least that's what he hopes, because he doesn't know what he would do if you really hated him. "So?" he asks in a whisper, and you roll your eyes. "I'll come, but this will be the last time I do anything for you. Anything, do you hear me?"

He nods, and he smiles once more. "Good, very good! We'll take my car, and I won't carge you for your share of the gasoline, don't worry." he is so excited that you start to feel the excitement too, but you do not show him, no. You walk to the bathroom door, it's time for you to get back to work, but before you leave, you turn to Ten. "I need my day tomorrow, so I'll let you tell the boss you're going to use your day off to replace me."

The following week is the calmest week you've had since breaking up with Ten. You meet in the store, but you ignore each other. Well, you ignore him every time he tries to talk to you, it's much better than insulting him until he resigns himself to being silent. And when Christmas Eve comes, you wonder if you really made the right decision by agreeing to follow Ten. And pretend to be his partner again.

You wait outside your apartment for Ten to arrive, your hands in the pockets of your coat, and your face niched in your scarf. The cold wind is whipping your face, and the snow have started to fall on the city which is festive with the fairy lights, the decorated trees in the streets, and the laughter of the locas who are eager to come home and celebrate Christmas Eve.

Thanks to Ten, you were able to get out of work early, and also, you won't be spending Christmas on your own. That's the only positive things you can find in this strange situation. Even your friends have told you to text Ten and cancel, they all think it's bad, and they think it will do them more harm than good. And you understand them, you too wonder what will happen after the party is over, once you have to go back to your routine without each other.

But that's life, and sometimes you have to make sacrifices to avoid hurting the people you love, you think with a sigh.

When you feel ready to freeze in place, Ten's car pulls up in front of you, and you huff. Finally. He gets out of the car, and he opens the door. Seeing him do that make you roll your eyes. "I can open a door." you mumble, and when he lifts his big shining eyes, you sigh. "You'll catch a cold, Tennie." he shakes his head, and you get in the car.

You feel a weight being lifted from your shoulder as your warm up, and Ten watches you, smiling when you take off your gloves. "You want a photo, it'll last longer." you say, and he shrugs. "I'm just glad to see you." yeah, you don't believe that lie, he must already be playing his part not to be caught off guard in front of his parents.

Ten starts the engine, and begins to drive out of town. "I had my mom on the phone earlier, she is excited to see you, and so is my dad." you hum. "Me too, I really missed them." Ten's lower lip juts out, and you avoid looking at him, he knows you are weak when he acts like that. But not tonight, no. "Ten, don't forget your promise. We can't do this at every family reunion, you know that, it'll only hurt more every time.

"Yes I know, and I will, I promised, didn't I?" you nod, and you turn your head towards the window. You watch the landscape gently getting cover by a thin layer of white snow as you approach the countryside. You love the city, yes, but you would love to be able to land in the countryside, and have a simple life, far from the hustle and bustle of the city.

The rest of the road is silent, and you slowly fall asleep, you head against the window, rocked by the vibrations. It's Ten's hand on your shoulder that wakes you up. He is out in the car, and you notice that it is now dark outside. You stand up, yawning. "We're here." he says. The Lee family house is impressive, and decorated with lights. It is really beautiful, and you expected no less from Mrs. Lee whose favorite holiday is Christmas.

You get your bag and get out of the car. Your legs are numb, so you take Ten's arm to avoid tripping in the snow. Yeah, that would be fun, but you do not really want to soil your clothes now. Maybe later. You stop in front of the door, and Ten turns to you. "Ready?" and when you nod, he knocks on the door.

It only takes a minute for the door to open on Ten's mother. She looks at the both of you, and she smiles with a sweetness all her own. "My loves, how happy I am to see you! Come in or you'll get sick." Ten lets you pass, and when you enter, you are immediately engulfed in a hug. You melt, you can't help it. You feel like coming home, and god damn your heart hurt at the realization.

Ten clears his throat, and you refrain from laughing. When Mrs. Lee lets you take a step back, you both turn to the boy who frowns. "Impatient." his mother says before taking him in her arms in turn, for a shorter moment. You are pretty proud of it. "Come into the living room, the guests have already arrived."

You follow her into the living room, and you greet the guests. You and Ten have been together for a few years, so you know all of the family and friends who are used to being invited every year. "Ah, the lovers have arrived!" his father says, and you nod. You put the gifts you brought in your bag at the foot of the three, and you smile. You had a great time looking for the perfect gifts.

Immediately, you are taken aside by Ten's sister who is surprised to see you here. She is the only one in this room, besides Ten himself, who knows about your situation. Because yes, maybe you were drunk one night and called her, crying to complain about the ordeal your life had been like since breaking up with Ten. Tern is younger, but she is quite scary, so you hardly swallow your saliva when she comes face to face with you.

"What is this mess?" she asks in a whisper. "Did you get back together?" you worry your lower lip, giving Ten a furtive glance, he seems to be in the middle of a heated discussion with his father, and you shake your head. "Ten didn't say anything to your parents, so he asked me to come over, so as not to break the holiday spirit." you mumble, and if the Lee family was not there, you know Tern would go and slap her brother right away.

"You both are idiots." Tern says, and you shoulders slup. "Are you masochistic or what? Do you like hurting yourself?" you do not know what to say, you are just here to help Ten. "I know it's not the right thing to do, but it's Christmas Eve, so I'm going to pretend it's okay, smile, laugh, and be happy beofre I go back everyday life without Ten."

Tern sighs, tilting her head. "Is that what you want?" she asks before resuming. "Go back to a life without Ten? Because a person who has no more feelings would never agree to help their ex." That's the question, you don't know how you feel, your head is empty and your heart is a mess, it's been like this since Ten left. So you shrug. "I don't know Tern."

As you are about to speak, you are called out by Ten's mother who beckons you to approach. "Come help me in the kitchen for a minute, please." you nod, apologizing to Tern before joining her. There's nothing more to do, so you frown. "It's the only way to have some time with you without Ten jumping on you." she explains, and you can't help but laugh. "He learned to behave in public, don't worry."

"Is everything okay?" Ten's mother asks, and you nod. She looks worried, and for a second, you feel ready to tell her everything, but you can't, you promised Ten, and as he said himself, he doesn't want to hurt her, and neither do you. Not tonight anyway. "I'm asking because it's been a while since we've last seen you."

You nod. It's true that before, you used to visit the Lee family a couple of times each month, even though Ten was busy at work, and even more during the month of December, used to help Mrs. Lee prepare Christmas Eve. But being convinced that Ten had warned his parents, you did not do it anymore, you found it inappropriate.

"I was overwhelmed with work, I'm so sorry. But it's true that I should at least give given you a call." you explain in a weak voice, and the older woman shakes her head, placing a hand on your shoulder. "You have a job, you have a life, you have you own family, so you don't have to apologize for not having time. I get it, I was your age once."

You blame yourself more and more for the pain you are going to cause her, but you bite the inside of your cheek. Sometimes things don't go as planned, and you have to adapt. "And with Ten, is everything going well?" the question you would have liked to avoid. But you smile. "Everything is not perfect every day, but we both make an effort, because our relationship deserves it." Ten's mother smiles, she is proud to hear that her son has matured enough to do whatever it takes to keep his relationship healthy, and going.

"Don't hesitate to tell me if he crosses the line, then I'll give him a piece of my mind, believe me!" you laugh softly. You know that Mrs. Lee is, and will always be, there to help you. At least for now. But you need to stop thinking about the future, and focus on the present. You need to enjoy this last night you have with your surrogate family. "Thank you Ms. Lee, I appreciate that."

When she offers to return to the living room so as not to worry the guests, you follow her. Ten is still talking with his father, but the conversation seems to have calmed down, and you are happy. You know that the two men are used to arguing, and you have witnessed some rather disturbing scenes already, and you do not want that to happen again. You do not want to have to pick up Ten again.

"Everything okay?" you jump when Ten comes up behind you, and you turn to him. His cheeks are flushed, and you pursue your lips to stifle a laugh. "Don't tell me, your grandmother's friend?" he shakes his head with a poud, he doesn't like it when old little ladies pull his cheeks, it hurts. "My poor child. Maybe she'll stop someday."

"When she is in a coffin, yeah." Ten mumbles, and you put your hand over your mouth. "Don't say such things, Tennie!" you giggle and he smiles. He likes to be the reason for your laughter. "But to answer your question, yes, everything is fine. Your sister was a little surprised to see me here, but outside of that, like clockwork!"

Ten nods, and takes a sip from his glass of wine. He looks around him. The three, the decorations, his family, their friends, and you, and for a minute, he completely forgets that things are not the same as last year. Nothing is as before, everything is only an act. And when he turns his head towards you, and sees the lights of the tree reflected in your eyes, he thinks to himself that maybe, it was not a good idea.

See, you and Ten had a long relationship. You are his first love, and he always hoped that you would be his last. And to be honest, he still hopes so. But he knows that despite everything that has happened, all the insults you have exchanged, it would take very little time for him to fall in love again. No, he wouldn't need time at all, he is still in love, he always will be, he knows it deep down inside of him. And seeing you here, acting as your girlfriend, knowing that you'll probably never will be again, hurts like a bitch.

You think the same, and it hurts you too, but you both have too much pride to say it.

You then meet around the table, enjoying a fabulous feast prepared by Mrs. Lee. That's what you'll missed the most, the food. Ten is next to you, and every now and then, he leans in to whisper a joke in your ear. It's a tradition that you have, you try to make the other laugh, and get all eyes on yourself, knowing that it will be too inappropriate for you to say the joke out loud. At least some things are not changing.

You honestly can't remember the last time you had such a good time with Ten without it ending in an argument. What you do not notice is Tern's gaze. She watches you both, frowning. She can read between the lines. She knows that you still love each other, but are also too stupid to admit it.

The meal stretches over two hours, and when you finish, a full stomach, and ready to explode, it's time to open the presents. You get up from your chair and collect the packages. You give one to Ten's parents, one to Tern, and the last one, you hand it to Ten who titls his head. "You didn't have to, you know." he says in a whisper, and you shrug. "I know, but I got it before.. well before you know what."

Ten also gives you a present, and you arch an eyebrow at him. "I didn't want to see you pout thinking I forgot about you." he mumbles, and you smile. You open the present, and sigh. Inside is your favorite book, but not just any, the very first edition. It's old, rare, and probably extremely expensive. "Ten.." you whisper, and the boy smiles. "I know you've always dreamed of it."

What makes your heart beat a little faster is not that he gave you the book, but that he remembered it, because you only mentioned it once almost two years ago. Perhaps accusing him of never paying attention was wrong, now that you think about it. "Thank you so much Ten, you have no idea how happy this makes me." you lean over, and place a tender kiss on his cheek. And when you take a step back, you notice the rosy tint on Ten's cheeks. Cute.

"Come on, open yours!" Ten nods a minute later, the poor man needs to recover from the sudden physical contact first, then, he unwraps his present. If there is ont think Ten loves more than himself, and you, it's his watch. His father gave him his own watch for his 18th birthday, and it quickly became his most precious item, and unfortunately, he broke it a few months ago.

He thought it was irreparable, but nothing is ever irreparable, so you grabbed it one morning, and sent it over to have it fixed. It's not much for you, but when you see the tears in Ten's eyes, you knows that it was a perfect idea. "I thought I lost it." he says under his breath, and you shake your head. "I took it from you, wanted to surprise you, but I didn't expect it to take that long. I'm really sorry if I worried you."

Ten shakes his head, and he wipes his tears with his free hand, before a smile spreads over his beautiful face. "This deserves a kiss!" Ten's mother exclaims, and you hear Tern sigh loudly. "Mom, don't embarrass them." you are grateful for Ten, but you have to do it. So once more you take a step forward, and you cup Ten's face, and your face meet in the middle for a long, and soft kiss. Yeah, maybe you wanted to kiss him too. And for a while now.

"How beautiful young love is!" one person comments, and you smile weakly. Ten does the same, and you help him put the watch around his wrist. "Thank you, thank you. I don't think I will ever have enough words to thank you. It's the most perfect present." he says in a long sigh, and you smile. "I knew how much you cared about this watch." you run your fingers through Ten's hair to pull it out of his face, and realize how easy it is for you to fall back on your old habits.

The rest of the evening goes well.

You sit on the couch with Ten, and you listen to the stories the family members are telling, laughing every now and then, but you can't really focus with the heat radiating from Ten's body. Proximity in your hands. It would be so easy to take his hand, or rest your head on his shoulder.

Why the hell not, you think, it's Christmas, and you are supposed to be acting, so might as well make the most of it. You rest your head on Ten's shoulder, and if he is suprised, he doesn't show it, he lands a kiss on the top of your head. You feel his shoulders relax and you smile. You always have the same calming effect on each other. True love, but you refuse to think about it.

It's getting late, and you can't seem to suppress a long yawn, Ten notices. He stands up and you pout at the sudden lack of contact, and you sit up. "We're going to go mom, we still have a way to go, and it's snowing again." she nods, albeit a little sad, but she knows it would be too dangerous for Ten to drive if he is tired, of if there is too much snow.

"Thank you for coming, my loves, it made me very happy." once again, you find yourself engulfed in a long her that you give back with pleasure. And you thank her and Ten's father again and again for the invitation. And in a few minutes, you find yourself in front of the car. Tern follows closely behind you, and before Ten gets into the car, she puts her hand on his shoulder to take him aside. "Take care of yourself, and your heart, okay?"

Ten nods. "Don't worry, I know what to do to keep my heart safe." he looks at you to see if you heard him, but no, you are half asleep on the seat, and you would not even hear if a bomb were to explode near your ear. "Really, don't worry." he places a kiss on his sister's cheek, and he gets into the car after making sur the passenger door is closed. You collapsed into the seat, your new book clutched to your chest.

"It was a very good evening. You family is amazing." you say, and Ten can only agree. "You are right. Thank you for coming." you smile and lean your head against the window. You do not want to fall asleep, you want to enjoy your last moments with Ten, but unfortunately, fatigue quickly gets the better of you, and when you open your eyes, the car is already parked in front of your apartment complex.

"Thanks for taking me home, and thanks again for the book." you lean in to kiss the corner of his lips, but before Ten can say anything, you get out of the car. He opens the window, and you turns to him. "Have a good night, Ten." his fingers tighten around the steering wheel, and you see that he wants to say something, but he holds back. "Good night Y/n, and merry Christmas."

You walk towards the door that leads to the lobby, but the sound of the door opening and closing catches your attention. You turn around and find Ten in front of the car. You embrace your body with your arms to fight against the cold. "What are you doing, Ten?" you ask, and the boy finally approaches. He's so close you can feel his breath against your lips. "Would you like to go have coffee tomorrow? And maybe we can go check out the Christmas lights."

You smile, and you nod. "I would love this, Ten." his smile is as bright as the moon, and you chuckle softly when he places a small kiss on your lips before heading back to his car, not without a victory move that almost makes him trip in the snow.

It’s Christmas Eve. It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.

And maybe sometimes, you can decide to stay that kind of people.

#cznnet #nct #wayv #nct imagines #wayv imagines #nct scenarios #wayv scenarios

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societybabylon · 4 years

Text

Across from her, Harry’s eyes glittered dangerously. He looked tired but wild, like there was something lurking under his skin that only revealed itself in the dark.

It was at that moment that she realized how little she knew him.

“I remember waking up on that day, the day of your birthday,” Harry said, still cast in darkness. “I remember seeing the tattoo for the first time. I was terrified and angry, but I wondered…what if? What if we didn’t deny the bond?”

Lifelong enemies Allie and Harry are devastated when they learn they are soulmates, so they form a pact to never act on their bond. Unfortunately, fate has other plans for them.

[read on ao3 here]

“Do you want to know your fate?”

Allie watched the old man place a crystal ball on the table in front of him. The bauble was unassuming and slightly dirty. Honestly, Allie wouldn’t have been surprised if it were made of plastic. It, like everything else in the cluttered store, looked cheap and fake. But then again, what did she know about the world of psychics? That’s why she was here, after all: she wanted answers about her future.

It was the day before Allie’s thirteenth birthday, and she was at a fortuneteller’s shop. Her friend Becca had insisted they come here to celebrate her impending soulmate reveal. Perhaps, Becca said, they could get a little insight into who she would be paired with.

Allie’s world revolved around soulmates. When two people were ideally matched, an unbreakable soul bond tied the pair together. And two rules applied to all soulmates:

First, the bond was manifested in a tattoo. Everybody had their partner’s name written on their body somewhere. These tattoos didn’t require needles or ink; they showed up on their own, as if by magic.

Second, the tattooed names didn’t appear until the thirteenth birthday of the younger person in each couple. On that day, both soulmates would wake up to find themselves marked with their other half’s name.

Assuming Allie’s soulmate was older than she was, there was only one day left until she learned who she was bonded to.

Allie gazed at the crystal ball. Behind the fortuneteller, a pink neon sign buzzed an electric tune. The lights cast a dim glow throughout the small store.

The psychic seemed over-the-top to her, not that she would ever tell Becca that. The man sitting across from her seemed more like a crackpot than a sage. His greasy hair hung in his face, so long that it nearly obscured his eyes. He reeked of licorice and burnt lavender. But they had already paid the man his fee, so they might as well hear what predictions he could conjure up for them.

“Do you want to know your fate?” he repeated. “Once you learn it, you can’t go back.”

“Yes,” Allie said. “I’m ready.”

The fortuneteller muttered a few unintelligible words and stared deeply into the crystal ball. “Hmm...it’s foggy, but some images are starting to come into focus. Ah, yes. I can see it now.”

To Allie, the crystal ball looked exactly as it did before.

“I see money stained with blood. Tears and white bedsheets. Two bodies, submerged in water. A cellphone is ringing, but no one is picking up.”

“Okay,” Allie tried to figure out how to respond to this prophecy. She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting, but she certainly hadn’t thought he would list such unpleasant images. “But what does that mean?”

“These images foretell rejection and denial. You will learn who your soulmate is tomorrow, but you will be unhappy when you learn who you have been paired with. This bond will confuse you and bring you unhappiness. Yes, I definitely sense rejection and denial.”

Allie was stunned. “Do you see anything else? Like, happiness and love, maybe?”

“I cannot see specifics,” he responded with contempt. “That is not how my gift works.”

Of course the fraud fortuneteller wouldn’t be able to see specifics. She had shelled out good money for him to ruin her day. She protested, “But—”

The man cut her off with a dismissive wave. “Do not disrespect my craft. Just because you demand answers of me doesn’t mean that I’ll give them to you. I only see what the universe shows me.”

Allie glanced back at the crystal ball, which was still maddeningly clear. There were no bloodied dollar bills, no ringing cellphones. The fortuneteller could have invented any story he wanted. He could have reported that he had seen her in a happy relationship and with a successful career. And yet he deliberately chose to give her a bad fortune.

“You must see something good in the crystal ball, right?” Becca murmured. She had been quietly listening in on the conversation between Allie and the psychic for the last fifteen minutes, mostly content to observe. “I mean, it can’t all be bad.”

“Actually, it can,” the man snapped. “I do not control your future. I merely pass on the messages that the universe sends me.”

“So you’re saying that rejection is my fate, and there’s nothing I can do to change that?” Allie said.

The man nodded eagerly, as if glad that she was finally catching on. “Precisely.”

“And why should I believe that?” Allie usually wasn’t so confrontational, especially with adults, but this fortuneteller was an exception. What did he know about her soulmate? Nothing.

The man scrutinized her frowning face. His lips went thin with irritation. “I think we are done here. I’ve told you what I saw. It’s not my problem if you don’t like the truth.”

Allie nearly scoffed. He read tea leaves and tarot cards for a living. He probably got pleasure out of ruining his customers’ days. Staring into a crystal ball and mumbling about dark visions wasn’t the truth, it was a cruel joke.

At least, she hoped it was a joke. There was a part of her (a part she tried to ignore) that worried that his predictions might come to pass. She pictured the images the man had mentioned—blood, tears, bodies in water—and she saw death. She shivered at the thought.

“Thanks for the crystal ball reading,” Becca cut in before Allie could offend the fortuneteller even more. “Well, we should probably go. My mom’s waiting for us outside.”

The fortuneteller wasn’t even listening. His attention had strayed to a stained, crumpled box of cigarettes that sat by his side. He picked one cigarette from the pack and sparked it with a pink lighter from his pocket.

Allie felt anger on her tongue, ready to be sharpened into spiteful words, but she could see that Becca was anxious to leave. She smothered her fury for her friend’s sake. “Yeah, thanks for the fortune.”

She stood up and walked out of the store with Becca. As the wooden door swung shut behind her, she turned around to give the fortuneteller one last glance. Thick smoke swirled around his head. His eyes were closed as if he had already forgotten that they were there.

What did a man like that know about her fate?

The next day, Allie woke up at five in the morning. She was too giddy to go back to sleep. Despite how horribly the visit to the fortuneteller had gone, she was still excited by the potential of finding out who she was bonded to. She’d been waiting her entire life to see her soulmate’s name tattooed on her.

She checked her wrists, a common spot for soulmate marks. They were blank. Her arms and legs, too, were bare. In fact, every visible inch of skin was unmarked.

Don’t worry, she reminded herself. It’s probably just hidden under some clothing.

She lifted the edge of her pajama shirt and walked to her mirror to get a closer look at herself. As she scanned over the planes of her stomach and saw more blank skin, she felt growing disappointment. It seemed that she hadn’t gotten her tattoo after all. Her soulmate was probably younger than she was, which meant she would have to wait until his thirteenth birthday to find out who he was.

But then she spotted a scribble of black near her waist. The writing was scrawled across her left hipbone in messy, boyish letters. She bent down to get a closer look at the words.

Harry Bingham.

She gasped.

Harry Bingham? No, it wasn’t possible. Harry had been her sister’s sworn enemy since preschool, which meant that by default, she and Harry were also enemies. Almost every time they had a conversation (a misfortune she did her best to avoid), he was arrogant and entitled and cruel.

“No, no, no,” Allie said to herself. “This can’t be real.”

She paced her room, trying to rationalize why she was paired with Harry. She and Harry were nothing alike. It should have been impossible for them to be soulmates.

Maybe this was some sort of cosmic joke, or the universe’s revenge for the times she’d been a bad person. Or maybe, while she had been sleeping, her sister decided to write Harry’s name on her as a prank. All those explanations were more logical than the thought that she might actually soulmates with Harry Bingham.

“This can’t be real,” she repeated.

But the ink was underneath her skin. As much as she wished that she could blink and watch the tattoo vanish before her eyes, she knew the mark was permanent. It would stay on her body forever, reminding her of the boy she’d been chained to.

When she took her shower later that morning, Allie tried, in a half-crazed stupor, to wash the name from her body. She scrubbed with her loofa until her skin was raw and red. But Harry’s name was still printed on her hipbone.

After the shower, Allie dressed hastily, as if covering the mark would mean that it no longer existed. She even considered stealing a bottle of concealer from her sister’s room and smearing the makeup over her hip, but she feared that Cassandra would catch her in the act. Her mind was racing for solutions, and yet she was paralyzed by inaction.

She curled up on her covers, her hair still damp. She was too stunned to cry. Instead, she just stared at the walls, trying to decode the mess she had landed in.

By ten, Allie knew she could not hide in her room any longer. She crept downstairs to the kitchen, where her dad was flipping pancakes and humming along to a pop song. Cassandra and her mom were setting the table for breakfast. They had even put out a vase filled with her favorite peonies.

“Morning, birthday girl,” her mom said.

“Morning,” Allie replied, faking a grin. Her lower lip trembled from her anxiety.

“I’m surprised you woke up late,” her dad said. “I remember waking up at the crack of dawn on my thirteenth birthday. I was so anxious I almost got sick. And then it turned out that there wasn’t even a tattoo on me!”

“Sorry, dad, but even my birthday isn’t enough to get me to wake up early.” Lie.

“You ready for breakfast?”

“Of course.” Another lie. Truthfully, she was terrified. She knew her family would use breakfast as an opportunity to spring the dreaded question: do you know who your soulmate is?

Her dad plated the golden pancakes and coated them with pats of butter and gooey, sugary syrup. He brought the food to the table, and they all sat down to eat.

Allie shoved pieces of pancake into her mouth as if she were Joey Chestnut on steroids. She hoped that if her cheeks were stuffed with food, her family would let her eat her breakfast in peace instead of poking her for information.

Across from Allie, Cassandra was only on her second bite of breakfast. She had cut her pancakes into delicate, precise slices and had taken care to ensure the syrup was evenly distributed. Even when taking sips from her orange juice, she was polished.

Perfect Cassandra, Allie thought. She would never be bound to someone as awful as Harry.

“I remember my thirteenth birthday,” Allie’s mom said in between bites of pancake, seemingly clueless to the turmoil tearing her daughter apart. “I woke up and saw your dad’s name on the inside of my arm. But I had no clue who he was! Your generation is lucky to have the internet. You can Google your soulmate’s name and immediately find out who they are. We were in the dark about our soulmates until we met them in person.”

“Unless you knew your soulmate before you turned thirteen,” Cassandra pointed out. “Like, if you were paired up with someone that went to elementary school with you. Then you wouldn’t need the internet to help find them.”

Allie almost choked on her juice. That comment was uncomfortably close to her reality.

“I suppose that’s true,” her mom said. “That’s very rare, though. Your dad and I met when we were twenty-two, and we met earlier than most.”

“Well, I think it’s better not to use the internet to find your soulmate,” Cassandra declared. She said this frequently, especially when she was asked why she didn’t have social media. “I think you should meet your soulmate naturally, as you were supposed to.”

“So, Allie,” her mom turned to look at her. “Do you have any news for us yet?”

Allie went red. This conversation felt intensely wrong. Worse than the “sex talk” her parents had given her when she was eight. Although she had never considered it before, she wondered why her family felt like they were entitled to this information about her body and her future. Their society had bought into the idea that everyone should wear their soulmate tattoos like a badge of honor—but shouldn’t people be allowed to keep this information private?

Allie was ashamed of her mark. She didn’t want to admit that she had been paired with West Ham’s most obnoxious idiot.

“I don’t have a tattoo yet,” Allie lied, desperately hoping that her family would buy her act. “Guess he must be younger than me.”

“Oh,” her mom said, clearly a little surprised. Her mom and her dad shared a look. “Well, that’s okay, honey. I’m sure you’ll find out who he is soon enough. Your thirteenth birthday doesn’t have to be all about finding your soulmate. You’re so young! You can worry about that later. Today’s still going to be a great day. ”

Allie almost laughed. Her parents thought she would be upset because she hadn’t gotten her tattoo. If they knew the truth...

“Yeah,” Allie said, grateful that her family didn’t prod further. And then she told her greatest lie of the morning. “I don’t really care about soulmates, anyway.”

After breakfast, while her parents washed the dishes, Allie went back to hiding in her bedroom. She buried her head in the covers of her bed and let her emotions swallow her.

Harry Bingham, she thought again. How on Earth could I have been paired with Harry Bingham? We’re nothing alike.

She startled at the sound of her door swinging open. It was her sister. Cassandra wore a small, close-lipped smile that set Allie’s nerves on fire. Allie realized immediately that despite escaping the breakfast interrogation, she hadn’t escaped her sister.

Cassandra sat down on the bed.

“You know you can knock, right?” Allie asked sharply.

“Sorry,” Cassandra said, entirely unapologetic. “So, who is it?”

It was unlike Cassandra to be so upfront. Usually, she was the more reserved one, always telling Allie to calm down or be more patient.

“It’s nobody. I told you, I didn’t find a tattoo on my body.”

“I know you’re lying,” Cassandra said. “I can hear it in your voice. You can fool mom and dad, but you can’t fool me.”

Anxiety shot through Allie. She thought that her performance at breakfast was Oscar-worthy, but as always, Cassandra saw through her lies. “I don’t want to tell you, okay? It’s none of your business.”

“I told you the second I found out who mine was.” Cassandra emphasized her point by sticking her wrist, which was encircled with blank ink, in Allie’s face.

Allie could feel her panic growing. Her sister had a point, but Allie couldn’t possibly tell her the truth. How could she?

Allie imagined speaking Harry’s name aloud. She pictured her sister’s reaction, her mouth gaping wide and her eyebrows raised in shock. Cassandra would stutter out a kind response. She would try to make her congratulations sound convincing. Yet no matter what was said, they would both know the truth: Cassandra hated Harry, truly hated him. And that would never change.

No, Allie could not tell the truth.

“Just tell me.” Cassandra pushed. “I’m your sister. You can trust me.”

Allie’s eyes filled with stinging tears. “I do trust you, I promise. But I can’t tell you. Please, Cassandra, please just take my word for it. Please.”

Her sister looked bewildered. Allie knew Cassandra had never seen her beg like this before.

“Fine.” Allie could hear the hurt in her sister’s voice. “You have to tell me one day, though. A soulmate’s not the kind of secret you can hide forever.”

Maybe not, Allie thought. But I can try.

When Allie arrived at school the next day, she was determined to corner Harry and confront him about the tattoo.

As it turned out, she didn’t need to search for him. While she was walking down the hallway, a hand grabbed her arm and pulled her behind the lockers into a tight nook. It was Harry. Anger blazed in his eyes. He held up a cautious finger to his lips, shushing her. “Don’t say a word.”

Allie nodded. He stared at her suspiciously, as if he was worried that she would start screaming.

“I think you probably know why I wanted to talk. I’m guessing it was your thirteenth birthday yesterday, Pressman. I don’t know what else could explain the tattoo I woke up with. And to think that I thought I would have a soulmate I liked.” The bitterness in his voice was unmistakable. “You probably prayed every night that you would end up with someone like me, huh?”

He was infuriating. She couldn’t believe that he had the audacity to think that she would ever be interested in him.

“You think you’re so special, don’t you?” Allie said. “Harry, you’re pretty much the last person I’d want to be bonded to.”

“Believe me, the feeling is mutual. You think I want to be part of your shitty family?”

That was one step too far. She was half considering throwing a punch at him. She could do it if she wanted; in this nook, they were hidden from the eyes of their teachers and classmates.

“You’re an asshole,” she spat.

“Bitch.”

Allie wished she could vaporize him on the spot. How could she have been chained to such a callous jerk?

She thought of clever retorts she could say to him, insults that would permanently puncture his inflated pride. Though Cassandra was usually in the spotlight for her intelligence, no one could beat Allie’s wit. She could trade barbs with the best.

Allie considered those rumors that she had overheard about his parents’ loveless marriage. Yes, that would be a fertile site for insults.

She opened her mouth, prepared to escalate the argument. But she stopped herself before she could say anything.

What good would fighting with Harry do? At the end of the day, she would still have his name written on her hip.

Looking at him, she found that he, too, appeared to be at a loss for words. Though he still wore an angry sneer, his eyes were sad. It seemed that they both came to the same realization: they could hurl nasty words at each other for hours, but it wouldn’t fix their situation. If they wanted to overcome their bond, they’d have to work together.

“We’re stuck with each other until we die, aren’t we?” Harry let out a deep sigh. His furious mask cracked, and Allie glimpsed genuine misery and anxiety on his face.

For a moment, neither of them said anything.

Then, a brilliant thought struck Allie. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought of it before. “We don’t have to be stuck with each other. There are plenty of soulmates who reject the bond.”

“I guess.” Harry scrutinized her. She could tell he was considering her suggestion. “But how would we make sure that we’ve rejected it permanently? I wouldn’t want you falling in love with me five years from now, Pressman.”

Allie rolled her eyes. “Harry, it’s us. There’s literally no way we’re ever going to be friends, much less…well, you know.”

He nodded. “Okay. So what are you thinking?”

In her mind, a plan started to fall into place. A simple, perfect plan. “We both have to promise that we’ll never speak of this…this bond to anyone else. Ever. We have to keep it a secret until the day we die.”

“Like a pact?” Harry asked.

“Yes, a pact. Except a pact isn’t enough. We have to do more than that. Before we turn twenty, we both have to agree to get our marks covered up.”

Harry seemed much less certain about this suggestion. Covering up soulmate tattoos was technically illegal. Most tattoo artists outright refused to do it, and those who were caught in the act could face up to a year in jail time. Eventually, however, he conceded, “Okay, fine. I can agree to that. But you need to swear on your life that you’re going to get yours covered up, too. This is a two-way street, Pressman. If I’m going to jail, so are you.”

“I swear on my life I’ll...,” Allie paused, considering her words. “You know, I feel like we should have some official pledge or something. For example, I, Allie Pressman, swear on my life that I will never mention that my soulmate is Harry Bingham. I will do everything in my power to keep my tattoo hidden.”

Harry snorted. “Who do you think you are? The queen? Let’s just shake on it and call it a day.”

Allie glared at him. “Just say the damn words, will you?”

“Fine. I, Harry Bingham, swear on my life that I will never mention my soulmate is Allie Pressman. I will do everything I can to keep my tattoo hidden. Yada yada yada, you get the gist. Can I go now?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you were the one who pulled me behind these lockers in the first place.”

“Touché.”

Just like that, it was settled. Their soulmate marks were a secret that they alone would keep. And they would never, ever act on their bond.

For two years after that, neither Harry nor Allie spoke about the curse they shared. They didn’t interact in the hallway or the classroom. They both pretended that the other didn’t exist, and they were both happy with this arrangement.

While her classmates celebrated their budding relationships or dreamed of the day they met their other half, Allie fantasized about getting a new, large tattoo to cover up the one on her hip. She was fifteen now; there were only a few more years until she could write Harry off as a memory.

Sometimes, she heard murmurs about him in the hallway. Sometimes, it seemed all of West Ham High School wanted to know his soulmate’s identity. Between his looks and his wealth, Harry was considered an ideal match. But no one was ever able to discover whose name was on his body.

Harry was hardly a factor in her life, much less her soulmate. He was a problem that she had solved, and she was content to let him stay that way.

Mid-October during her sophomore year of high school, Allie planned a trip to Manhattan. Her aunt, who lived in Virginia, was having a weekend getaway to the city, and she had invited both Allie and Cassandra to join for the last day of her vacation.

A week before the trip, Allie reminded Cassandra (who was swamped with homework as always) about their aunt’s visit. “Do you want to come?”

“What day are you going?” her sister replied.

“This Sunday.”

Cassandra frowned. “I can’t. I have to study for a math test that day. My grade is on the edge right now, and if I do poorly on the exam, I’ll get a B+ in the class. I can’t risk it. Trust me, I would go if I could.”

Allie understood. She knew her sister wanted to go to Yale, and she had seen the statistics. The admissions rate was around six percent. Even for the best of students, Yale was a reach. Allie was a bit sad—the city was always more fun with Cassandra by her side—but she wasn’t a child anymore, and she didn’t need her sister to accompany her everywhere.

“It’s no problem,” Allie reassured. “Just let me know if there’s anything that you want me to buy for you while I’m down there.”

Allie went to the city alone, bringing only her black purse and her cell phone with her. She arrived at Penn Station in the early morning. Aunt Carly, decked out in her characteristic prints and bold colors, was waiting for her.

“Allie!” her aunt hollered. Her obnoxiously bright orange-red lip gloss matched the color of her handbag perfectly. “It’s been so long since I last saw you. You look taller—have you grown?”

Allie gave her aunt a tight hug and laughed. “Since August? No, I don’t think so. Same height as always.”

“Any boys?” Her aunt asked with a wink.

Allie’s chest tightened. She hated that question, truly hated it. “Nope, no one yet. But I’m happy being single.”

Luckily, Aunt Carly dropped the subject, and moved on to talking about a list of all the clothes and books and trinkets the two of them would be splurging on throughout the day. There was no budget, it seemed; Aunt Carly acted as though her pockets were bottomless.

They spent the first part of the day shopping on Fifth Avenue and hopping into trendy boutiques. Aunt Carly bought dozens of clothes with dizzyingly high prices. By the time they went to eat lunch, her aunt had seven large shopping bags in her arms. Allie was more frugal; she had bought one bag’s worth of clothes.

After lunch, they spent their time exploring Manhattan. They meandered through the streets, grabbing snacks in between people watching. Allie loved the vibrancy and anonymity of urban life. Here, she shed the labels that followed her in West Ham.

After ending the day with burgers and fries at the Shake Shack in Grand Central Station, her aunt prepared to board her train back to Virginia. Her tiny frame was dwarfed by the assortment of large bags and suitcases she carried with her.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay walking back to Penn Station?” Aunt Carly asked. “I wish we had arranged a train for you from here. The walk is so far.”

“I’ll be fine,” Allie promised. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Actually, you know what?” Aunt Carly pulled her green wallet out of her purse and grabbed a couple of twenty-dollar bills from its folds. “I just don’t feel comfortable with you walking all that way. Take this money and take a cab. Please, do it for my peace of mind. I would feel much safer if you did.”

“Okay, I will,” Allie said, knowing full well that she was lying. “Have a safe trip home!”

Allie watched as her aunt took her bags and boarded the train. As soon as Carly was out of sight, she pocketed the money for herself. That money could be useful for another day. And, she thought, there was something kind of peaceful about a solitary night walk.

She left Grand Central and pulled up the directions to Penn Station on her phone. It was dark outside, but the way was straightforward enough, so she put away the phone and let herself fully absorb the city. She was mesmerized by the myriad of people who surrounded her. It was truly electric.

Allie peered into clubs where the night was only beginning, and where men and women knocked back liquor like it was water. She walked by a row of cramped food trucks, where the heavy scent of spices soaked in through her lungs and warmed her to the core. Compared to West Ham, New York City might as well have been another planet—a wondrous, delightful alien world.

She must have taken a wrong turn, because she realized she had walked halfway down an alleyway she didn’t recognize. The near-omnipresent city crowd had disappeared. The only sounds were the quiet hum of cars on busy streets and the plinking sound of water dripping from a drainpipe onto the street.

Allie suddenly felt very, very small.

She couldn’t have gone too far from a main street. So she told herself that she shouldn’t be worrying, really. All she had to do was walk through to the other end of the alley. Once she was back on a major road, she could pull out her phone again and check for directions.

Allie walked down the narrow street, thinking, for the first time, that maybe she should have taken that cab after all. In polluted Manhattan, there were no stars to light her way. The drainpipe’s dripping water drummed an eerie rhythm—plink, plink, plink.

Behind her, slow footsteps made squishing sounds on the wet pavement. She glanced over her shoulder quickly. It was a man, tall and blonde, strolling nonchalantly toward her. He seemed to have emerged fully formed from shadow. His eyes traced over her with feigned disinterest, only to light up when he set his sights on her purse and shopping bag.

She picked up her pace. The footsteps behind her sped up to match her strides.

That couldn’t be a coincidence. A host of horrible nightmares burst into her head. Assault, murder, robbery...

She needed to walk faster.

Allie started scurrying down the street.

So did he.

When Allie glanced over her shoulder again, she could see the man closing in on her. Terrified, she broke into a sprint. But just as before, he mirrored her actions, and from the sound of it, he was a faster runner than she.

A cold hand wrapped around her wrist and yanked her back mid-run. Allie tripped and went tumbling to the ground. The palm of her left hand scraped across gritty gravel, tearing her skin open. Blood oozed out from the cut and dribbled onto the street.

Allie stared up at the man with wide, stunned eyes. He whipped out a black glock from the pocket of his oversized jacket. His hands shook as if he had never pointed a killing weapon at another person before. Up close, he looked young, perhaps only one or two years older than her.

Adrenaline jolted through her body, waking her up from her dreamy wandering. The pain of her injury receded as she focused on the weapon in front of her. This could be life or death, she realized. She had taken one wrong turn and ended up against the barrel of a gun.

“Give me your bags,” the man demanded.

“What?”

“Did I fucking stutter?” And indeed, though his hands shook, his voice was calm.

The man jerked his gun in the direction of her purse and shopping bag as if his threat hadn’t been clear enough.

“Okay, okay,” Allie said in rushed breaths.

She took off her bags with her wounded hand and held them out to him. She stifled a cry as her purse’s handle bit into her skin. Her blood smeared over the metal, streaking it with red.

In a swift move, he snatched her belongings from her fingers. It amazed her how deftly he could move while still managing to point his gun at her.

He quickly pulled her wallet out of her purse and rifled through paper bills quickly, including the money that her aunt had given her for a taxi. In the dim light of the alley, she could see her blood glistening on his fingertips, marking up every paper bill he touched.

He shut the wallet with a snap. His eyes darted nervously to each side of the alleyway, presumably checking to ensure no one had seen him rob her.

“Now, close your eyes and count to thirty,” he ordered. For added intimidation, he waved his gun at her again. “And count slowly.”

Allie nearly whimpered with fear, but did as he said. She let her vision go dark. Without her sight, she couldn’t help but imagine his finger on the trigger, ready to kill her. She wasn’t putting up a fight. It would be an easy crime.

“One. Two. Three…” she counted.

But the shot never came. She heard the muffled thunk of fabric meeting heavy plastic, and then the squish of his feet as he sprinted down the alleyway. In seconds, she could no longer hear him at all. The city had swallowed him up. She was alone again.

Allie opened her eyes and slowly rose from the ground. She winced as she plucked jagged pieces of gravel from her hands. She could still feel cold fear curling in her chest, although that emotion was quickly being replaced by the panicked realization that she had just lost her money and her ticket back home.

She was lucky about one thing: he hadn’t asked her to empty her pockets. Her phone was still tucked snuggly in the back pocket of her jeans.

Allie dialed Cassandra’s number. It was past midnight, so there was a high likelihood that her sister would already be asleep, especially since she had a test the next day. Her parents, notorious for going to bed early, would certainly already have dozed off.

The line rang and rang, but Cassandra didn’t pick up. Then: Hi, you’ve reached Cassandra Pressman. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.

Since her sister’s phone had gone straight to voicemail, she would have to rely on someone else. She went through her contact list one by one, praying that at least one of her friends would pick up. Will, Becca, Gordie, Bean: none of them answered her calls.

The blood on her left hand had started to clot. Her cell was rapidly running out of battery. She needed someone to pick up.

She scrolled through her contacts again, calling people she barely knew. She even called Elle Tomkins, who she had spoken maybe a total of three words to. Over and over, she was met with disappointment when no one picked up.

Allie was quickly running out of options when she came across a person she had tried to push to the corners of her mind. Her finger hovered over his name in her contact list.

Harry Bingham.

It seemed wrong to call him. Wrong, when he was constantly at Cassandra’s throat. Wrong, when they had done everything possible to ignore each other since she turned thirteen.

You know what? Allie thought to herself. Fuck it.

Before she could stop herself, she called him.

He picked up on the second ring. “Hello?” His voice was thick with sleep.

“Hey. It’s Allie.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s the twenty-first century. I have caller I.D. What do you want?”

Ugh. Though his rudeness was no surprise, it still irked her. But at this point, it seemed like he was her only hope, so she tried to suppress her irritation. “Can I ask you a favor? I know it’s a lot to ask, but I have no one else to turn to and I’m scared and I don’t know what else to do.”

“Shit, Allie. Just spit it out.”

“I’m stuck in New York City. A man mugged me and took all my money and my ticket back home. I wouldn’t have called you, except I’ve already tried my family and all my friends. Can you come get me?”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. In her head, she pictured him lying in bed, half-asleep and sneering at her. She imagined that he was hovering his finger over the red button on his phone, ready to end the call at any moment. Knowing Harry, he would probably hang up on her and go right back to sleep, and in the morning he’d forget that she’d ever called him.

“Hello?” she said, breaking the silence. “Harry? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m still here.” He sighed. “You’re going to owe me for this, Pressman.”

Relief rushed over her. “So you’ll do it?”

“Yeah, I will. Might be a couple of hours before I can get to you, though. I’m going to have to take an Amtrak or something, because my dad will get pissed if I start racking up miles on my car.” The trains from West Ham to Penn Station took an hour and a half minimum, and since fewer trains ran at night, the next train to the city probably wouldn’t be for a while. “Do you have somewhere safe to stay until then?”

“Um, I was just planning on waiting around at the train station.”

“Jesus Christ.” He cursed under his breath. “You so owe me for this. Alright, walk to the Waterwhite Hotel. It’s only two blocks from the station. Tell the person at the front desk that you’re a friend of the Bingham family. They’ll let you wait in the lobby until I show up.”

A cool rush of relief flooded her. “Harry? Thank you so much.”

“Don’t mention it. Like, seriously. Don’t mention this to anyone.”

Harry arrived at the Waterwhite a little over two hours later. His shirt was rumpled and he looked like he desperately needed two shots of espresso. Allie had never seen him look so disheveled. He must have come immediately after she called him.

Allie was waiting for him on a modern, dark blue couch in the hotel lobby. She watched as he walked over to the tall brunette working the reception desk. He smiled and said something to the woman. Her previously bored expression turned happy, and she pointed to where Allie was sitting. Allie could see him thanking her with one of his classic Bingham smiles before walking over to where she was waiting. Even bedraggled, he still somehow managed to charm.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said. If he noticed her state of distress—her grimy shoes, her still-bloody hand, her tired red eyes—he did not comment on it.

She nodded. “Thank you, again, Harry. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here.”

He didn’t respond. They walked to the train station in near silence. The clacking of her shoes on the pavement was the only sound either of them made on the way there.

When they reached Penn Station, Harry paid for her Amtrak ticket back to West Ham in cash. This, too, was a near-wordless exchange. She thanked him. He merely grunted in response.

After waiting for thirty minutes, their train arrived. Unlike most trains out of the city, this one was near empty, occupied only by sleep-deprived workers commuting to their morning shift and a few odd stragglers.

Allie slid into a seat near the front of a car. Rather than sliding into the seat next to her, Harry spread himself out on the row of seats across from her. He rested his back against the window, stretched his legs across the seats, and let his feet dangle into the aisle.

Allie pulled out her phone to check the time. 3:23 a.m. was etched in glowing lights.

The train rolled to a start. Harry closed his eyes and slouched in his seat as if he hoped to resume the sleep he had been enjoying before she had called. When he stretched his arms behind his head, his shirt rose to expose a sliver of skin by his hip.

She could see the start of her name, inked on him in her penmanship. Allie Pressman. She had never seen it before. It pained her to look at it, although there was an almost beautiful quality to the tattoo. Unlike tattoos done by hand, a soulmate mark would never fade or need touch-ups.

He dropped his arms. The tattoo vanished under a cascade of black fabric.

“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” He was looking at her with half-shut eyes. So, he’d caught her staring after all.

Maybe it was sheer curiosity, or maybe her tiredness had made her weak, but she wanted to see those words on his skin.

Without responding, Allie lifted the edge of her top and nudged down one side of her jeans so that his name was fully revealed. The tattoo was the same as always, stark black ink against pale skin. It felt strange to have her mark exposed to the world. No one had ever seen it but her.

Harry followed her lead. He lifted the edge of his shirt, showing his tattoo to her once more. This time, she could see the entirety of her signature, like a claiming brand on a boy who despised her.

They sat in silence, examining each other’s inked skin with fascination.

“It’s weird, isn’t it? Seeing your name on someone else’s body,” she said.

“Yeah, very weird.” Harry tore his eyes away from her skin. Then, with a wry smirk, he said, “Almost as weird as having to cross state lines at three in the morning to pick up your enemy’s little sister.”

“Why did you help me?” she asked, genuinely curious.

He looked surprised at her question. “Allie, I know what you and your sister think of me, but I’m not a bad person. I wasn’t going to leave you stranded in New York.”

Allie didn’t quite know what to say to that. Harry was right—she and Cassandra thought he was all West Ham’s worst traits distilled into one human being. Could it really be that after years of hating him, he was worth redeeming?

The train swayed hypnotically on the tracks. The cabin was quiet except for a man snoring three rows away from them. She and Harry stared at each other silently, truly seeing each other for the first time.

He seemed different in this setting, she noticed. Away from his callous friends and his detached parents, he seemed lost and sad and beautiful and kind.

“I don’t think you’re a bad person,” she finally said.

He raised an eyebrow. “Really? And what exactly do you think of me? I know you don’t like me, so don’t even try to deny it.”

Allie rolled her eyes at him. “I don’t know, Harry. I think you’re richer than I’ll ever be. I think you’re smart but overconfident. If I’m being completely honest, I don’t think about you much at all.”

Harry smiled at her. Had she ever gotten a genuine smile from him before? She didn’t think so. She was used to his cold glares and bitter frowns, so this unfamiliar expression sent a shock of warmth through her.

“Don’t think about me at all, huh?” he said. “I’m hurt. Here I was, thinking I’d been in your dreams since thirteen.”

“Haunting my nightmares, maybe,” she retorted.

“Ouch.” He turned away from her to look out the window.

Guilt flared up in Allie, although she wasn’t quite sure why. “As if you care what I think of you.”

He turned back to face her. He wasn’t smiling anymore. “Why would you think I don’t care?” He sounded surprisingly genuine, completely dropping the teasing tone he’d previously used with her.

Allie suddenly felt anxious. She was trapped on a train with Harry Bingham, and he kept subverting her expectations. Without the judgment of West Ham hanging over her head, she didn’t know how to behave around him.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe I think that because of a conversation from many years ago, when we both agreed to pretend that there was nothing between us.”

The train’s fluorescent lights flickered out above them. For a moment, they were plunged into the dark. The only light was the blue glow of the city outside, which bounced brilliantly off Allie’s white sneakers.

Across from her, Harry’s eyes glittered dangerously. He looked tired but wild, like there was something lurking under his skin that only revealed itself in the dark.

It was at that moment that she realized how little she knew him.

Allie could feel her whole body tense up with renewed stress. She was grateful that the lights had gone out—hopefully, he couldn’t see her blushing.

Why was he divulging this to her?

Harry laughed. The sound was sharp. When he spoke again, his voice was newly guarded. “I never wanted to be bonded with you. I still don’t. But when I look at the ink on my skin, I think of you. Always. So yes, Pressman, I do care what you think of me.”

The train’s lights startled back on. In the full light, Harry studied her for one more moment. His gaze was so intense it felt like it was burning her. She searched for the words to respond to him, but they kept getting stuck on the way to her tongue.

Before she could come up with anything, he pulled a pair of earbuds from his pocket and shoved them in his ears. He closed his eyes, too, blocking out the sight of her. And just like that, he was back to ignoring her.

They arrived at the West Ham train station at five in the morning. The sun had not yet risen, and the dark sky was speckled with tiny stars. Just a short train ride had separated her from the everlasting citylight of New York. Her shopping spree and mugging almost felt as if they were figments of her imagination, although her scraped hands and the missing weight of her purse were painful reminders that the past twenty-four hours had been real.

“Need a ride home?” Harry asked.

“If you don’t mind.” She felt guilty for asking so much of him. She hadn’t even expected him to answer her call, and he had ended up coming all the way to New York to get her.

“It’s whatever,” he said. He rubbed his tired eyes and took out the keys to his Maserati.

Harry had parked next to the station. They got into the car like phantoms, sucked of all their energy.

Five minutes later, they turned onto Allie’s street. Harry made sure to pull over three houses before hers. That way, her family wouldn’t hear the purr of his engine or see her coming from his car.

“This is just between you and me, right?” Allie asked. “Just like before?”

Harry jerked his chin in response—a drowsy, clumsy attempt at a nod, she assumed. After a beat, he said, “Right. Just like before.”

There was nothing left for her to say to him. So she just said thanks, and then she exited the car.

He zoomed off the second her door shut behind her. As she watched the silhouette of his Maserati drive out of sight, she was struck once more by what a wild night it had been. She had been saved by her worst enemy. She had sat by him on an old train and in a luxury vehicle. She had shown her mark to him. How out of character—perhaps she had been seized by a bout of insanity after she was mugged.

She was thankful for his help. She was also ready to go back to forgetting that Harry even existed. With any luck, their relationship would return to the exact state it had been in before: nonexistent.

#harry bingham #allie pressman #the society #harry x allie #hallie #it took SO LONG (I'm sorry) but part 1 is finally here #soulmate au #hope you guys enjoy :)#fic: hallie #my fic #your name on my skin

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gothsic · 5 years

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i sentence you to be exposed before your peers...

-- TEAR DOWN THE WALL!

so... once again, i’m floored. i mean, seriously floored.

i could probably say my usual nonsense, which is that i’m amazed, i’m flattered, and i’m even speechless at the amount of love, patience, and just downright kindness i have received since day one. tomorrow marks a month since this blog was opened, and i have to say that it has been one of the best months i have ever had in the tumblr rpc in all my years of rping.

that’s saying quite a lot!

i have to reiterate that i was incredibly worried about how jonathan was going to be received here. but the exact opposite has been true - if anything, you have all welcomed him with open arms, and been incredibly amazing rp partners in every sense of the word. i hope i return the attention you’ve given me thricefold. it’s true that i’m incredibly slow, keep piling on those ask memes and starters, but the real reason is because i just want to interact with you all in some capacity. i highly encourage those of you that have yet to do anything with me to send me something, and i can promise you i will get to it!

but what does any of that have to do with an appreciation post? well, it really is just me rambling about how incredibly honored i am that you all have stayed here through thick and thin despite my slowness. you are all the real mvps! in fact, i wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for all of you wanting to do things with me. really. you have no idea how much of an honor this is, especially considering that this is for an original character rather than a canon one. i just... wow! there i go again, failing to be eloquent!

the graphic above was thrown together tonight because i wanted to get this out this past weekend, but i figured the closer to my one month anniversary the better. that would have been october 1st, so sadly it’s a bit late. however, screw it! let’s throw two special occasions into one! i figured i would call it something different this time, as this is a bigger milestone than before.

so now that part one of this post is finished... let’s get to the good stuff. the follow forever list ( which i personally prefer calling it! ). read under the cut!

THE STARS WHO LIGHT THE PATH FORWARD:

the first up on this list are personal thank-yous to very special people who have made this experience so incredible. all of you have, but these are people i have known for several years, people i have grown close to quickly, or just people i have a lot of things to say to. i’ll probably even say these things to you in private in more expansive detail.

here are my appreciative ( albeit abridged ) comments to the following people:

@pistolbitten: tycho, you’re one of my bestest friends on this entire hellsite and even offline. the fact we haven’t met yet irl is fucking criminal - i hope that in the near future we can, though that might be kind of bad because i think the entire universe would just cease to exist if that happened. but we gotta try, right?? ANYWAY more importantly i want to emphasize that you are doing such a tremendous job with nack. i’m seriously impressed, and i want you to know that the work you’re putting into him is seriously amazing. keep it up because it’s clear to me you’re having a lot of fun. you really deserve it after everything that you’ve gone through in the past few years. you’re my little brother and it’s gonna stay that way! you know how i feel about you, but if you ever feel down, i will remind you again and again. you’re destined for great things, and you’re incredibly strong. but sometimes, it’s okay to feel a little weak. it’s human. you’re human.

@destructiveglitch: farida, i can’t emphasize how glad i am that we reconnected. i want you to know that i really admire the work you’ve put into making cadillac the amazing character that he is. you are seriously an inspiration to this community not only with the positivity you exude, but with the humor you bring to the table and the way you accept people with open arms. i strive to be more like you, and i am so proud to see how far you’ve come since we met a few years ago on this hellsite. you are seriously amazing, and so is cadillac - i cannot wait to see you chase your dreams even further; you’re an inspiration!

@daiteitako + all your other blogs: don i’m really glad we reconnected after i vanished kind of suddenly - again, i apologize for that. however, i really cannot wait to do stuff properly with you, but the most important thing i really want to say here is that a.) you’re incredibly kind, b.) you’re HILARIOUS and c.) your graphics are beautiful. also, i should mention that the dedication you’ve put into making all your muses your own is just stellar. i love it and i cannot wait to see more. i always appreciate our ooc chats and i’m so glad that i get to see your antics on the dash whenever your url pops up!

@dadadaemons: che... che. what can i say. when i came back to the rpc after a couple years of being gone, one of the things i really missed was having someone i could really connect with. honestly? it’s rare that it happens. but with you, it felt pretty instantaneous. i feel really glad to have met you - i feel that we can just shoot the shit whenever, and our muses have quite the relationship. i adore it, and i really feel comfortable talking with you - i hope that its the same for you. basically what i really want to say is that i feel incredibly lucky to have come across your blog and gotten the chance to talk to you, and eventually talk more ooc, i just... honestly? your writing is incredible, a mixture between tragic and comic, and i really adore it. it stands out. it’s you, and it’s unique. this is a little rambly, but i am really amazed at what you’ve been doing with your muses ( especially cherry ) and i cannot wait to see your work in a visual novel-type game someday. with your art skills? it’s bound to happen. you’ve got me to cheer you on!

@czhng: ángel... sends you the cat meme for the 10292373747th time ( you know the one ). just kidding! i feel like in the past week or two, we’ve grown pretty close. our ship has really blossomed into something fascinating and it’s really funny because the lovely people here on tumblr have absolutely no idea what they’re in store for. but better yet, i’m really glad i got a chance to meet you - i couldn’t have imagined how much fun we would be having together! i love sending memes back and forth, and also just talking about our characters, or hearing what you were up to or how you’re doing. while these may be simple things, they mean the absolute world to me. in short, i’m so grateful that i got to meet you, and i hope we can keep being even better friends into the future!

@cardinalrot: burns! you were one of the first people i think i formally interacted with on this blog, and while we briefly knew each other on my ramona flowers blog, i recently started talking to you more in depth ooc and honestly? you’ve made my time here so much better - you’re funny, you’re getting me into a band i barely knew about until i found your blog, and i just adore what’s going on in our group chat. i can’t wait to get to know you better, and better yet, see what ridiculous things our muses get up to as things keep rolling. you’re a lot of fun to be around and listen to, and i love hearing your ideas. honestly? you’re just a bright light on the hell that is tumblr!

@citialiin: basil! what a shock to find out we actually knew each other back in 2015! that was definitely a surprise. but above all, what can i say other than i’m truly amazed by a lot of things that have happened - that ziggy and jo have the relationship they do, that there’s some real stakes involved, and above all things, that your art is truly wonderful! plus, your writing is so wonderful to read - i feel that you really capture whomever it is that you’re writing, and what i love most about you really is that you’re incredibly honest about who you are, and your art manages to reflect that incredibly well. i wish you the best in your future endeavors, and i cannot wait to roleplay with you more! also, of course, chat ooc with you and get to know you better. plus? you, burns and i are truly a cursed trio - it’s great frankly.

@themoralpuppington: the fact that i keep finding you on every blog i make after all these years ( since 2015, can you believe it?? ) is a testament to how much i adore your writing, and just you in general, hayley. i need you on my dash to feel complete, as bizarre as that might sound. your passion for your muses, most of whom are pretty niche, is really a sight to behold. i admire how much time and attention you put into crafting them to be the best they can be, and your enthusiasm and positivity is also a sight to behold. i still remember the thread we had on my old him blog between him and dot, and that was probably one of the best threads i ever had with someone to this day - can you believe that? the point i’m trying to make here is that you basically make tumblr a better experience for me, and i’m sure many others - you are an amazing person through and through!

@luckblues: kat what could i possibly say about you that i haven’t already? you were there from the beginning, and on all your blogs we had some form of interaction - usually of the comedic kind. our conversations ooc have also been immensely hilarious to read, and the thing i really enjoy is hearing your thoughts on how your muses would react - not to mention whatever posts you make on your blogs, ooc or ic. i’m very glad i got to meet you, and also interact with you because your writing is just so much fun! you always put so much work into your muses and it is seriously an inspiration. keep up the amazing work, and i hope we can get even closer over time!

@toooldforgermany: hannah! i’m really surprised we found each other again - i remember just recently how we were trying to remember which of your many blogs we interacted on, and when we finally did, things slid into place. it’s true that i don’t really talk as much as i should, but what i do have to say about you is definitely truthful: you’ve really dug into what makes arthur such an interesting character, and i mean it when i say you made me more interested than i already was in we happy few. one of these days, i’d like to watch you play it - the clips you’ve shown me have been really something special - and i can see why you’ve put so much time and effort into getting him as close to the source material as possible. that in it of itself is admirable. what you’re doing is really special, and i can’t wait to see more, both with what you do next, and what our muses do next!

THE STARS I NOTICE IN THE DISTANCE, WHO TOO HAVE LIT THE WAY:

these are people whom i have known for several years, and want to continue to know better. we may have fallen out of touch a few times, but the important thing is that we are reconnected now. all of you listed here are special to me in different ways, and i hope that i can express this properly as i continue to do things on this blog.

@guiltycharge + your other blogs / @heedingcalls / @puckish-rogue

THE GASLAMPS MADE FROM STARDUST:

now these are individuals with whom i have spoken to a great deal ooc, have had a lot of laughs with, or just in general have made me feel at home on this blog. chances are, we’ve interacted too. you have all made this blog special in a way that nowhere else on this site has made me feel before. i am having the time of my life thanks to you all.

@anammxlech / @dcfctivc + your other blogs / @loverslanetm + @aphroditetms / @psychexch / @tricksterfinale / @soughtcryptid + @horrormaestro / @hismanners / @shotbled / @richatire / @demonshe / @rubinsteind + your other blogs / @crimescupid / @crimsxnidol / @sociialpath / @pennepenned / @lovelypillar / @arizonadirtbag / @jihoney / @macabreatlas + @deathwitness / @innosen / @barbiemov / @charismastatic / @voieur + your other blogs / @flutterid / @maljefe / @spacymuses / @ryusci / @bledthrice / @bellecosebabe / @bestvictim / @bentme / @spectrisbound / @starlyht / @griefkept / @vortship / @necroticlimb + your other blogs / @gothicbite + your other blogs / @thegothfiles / @wretchedgoth / @hisnote / @dethrocuted / @justverdict + your other blogs / @stagekiller / @scarwritten / @plasticlioness / @ecentrici / @prdghtr / @drstmbrg + your other blogs / @espercr / @juvenileterror / @putrifyre / @9livin / @saturnincs / @batzie / @deceitfame / @princeternal / @autoptes / @empaethies / @vodkaraised / @censer / @maestrodarte / @ensular / @elleomet / @smallmoss + @heylincorporated / @eoleolhan / @pseudogaiety / @byerszombie / @toendwar / @rivalrus / @giftblessd / @girlrued / @godmeld / @russianllterature / @consultingsister / @desxderium / @aemiliiu / @infiltier / @yoursmary / @svperposition / @friendsfought / @reapinghook / @blossomingbeelzebug / @levyosn / @slashhers / @promdevil / @fvvckcff / @fuckingvictus / @killfame / @dnbrough / @nailfanged / @hellionrot / @hyacinthsgirl / @panamastayed / @shelcved / @spllcat / @battleridge + many many more !

THE HOMES ALONG THE STREET WITH THEIR LIGHTS ON:

the following individuals are those i watch from a distance, have yet to interact with, or admire their writing in some fashion. all of you are a joy to have on the dash ( and be mutuals with ), and i hope that we can one day do something together.

@animalcontrol / @atlantisking / @herbounty / @hxgure / @scaeld / @snowinabottle / @soleiltm / @strxnzo / @cultkiid / @clownin / @clownwork / @corpsemade / @demonwield / @orhabit / @demonicarchitect / @etrefurieuse / @unstabletm / @bulletmailed / @wordseen / @deadlcrd / @dojiryu / @garrotejima / @gothamcartel / @devilsitter / @imparist / @voicehost / @voidvoyeur / @evilwiithin / @thatcertainnight / @azircphcle / @biblicael / @ribmcde / @warwronged / @actorkills / @fourrarri / @fosterskeeper / @vicemirrored / @vmprwtch / @peacefulapostle / @honorborn / @wargod / @wonwars / @waywardsignns / @inorationis / @deathscorned / @ncisepcllution / @lycanlead / @hauntediris / @tommyhtm + your other blogs / @phantomally + your other blogs / @abisnorida / @frstpearson / @nytchld / @agentbeyond / @scouscr / @vplameni / @monikalone / @sheslayyys / @sheflirts / @skllington / @skeptus / @ultraviolentis / @greyheroes / @outlawiism / @doefied / @conseille / @seeksghosts + your other blogs / @forsesti / @blacklistcr / @betterhealing / @bowitched / @bonewitchery / @theednygma / @conseille / @soliswrote / @rebelstwo / @divisus / @diversifiedpersonas / @hisband / @grcndel / @dnawield / @soypeor / @talewoven / @yblchth / @halloweeenies / @coldslayers / @iilvecchio / @discandi / @beelzbvb / @snipare / @brenheir / @johtei / @pastfound / @necrogal / @necrophagic / @neonglowed / @halvtblod / @maskedform / @enkaioni / @deddomun / @knifewields / @kerflooey / @likespooky / @happymediium / @happykcd / @vladdad / @endheir / @curdledmiilk / @firstdraper / @thcfreak / @revengah / @lcstrega / @strlcss / @strigct / @hanahakioni / @mortuiflores / @bozojesus / @madeherchoices / @madburnishdetroit / @apostleled / @wiltpetals / @scmperviren / @rainbowsongs / @powertook / @mortiiicia / @mortuam / @macebre / @pestilencepriest / @huntsaliens / @huntpyre / @dptysns / @theppgs / @thicktville / @citylives / @cadaever / @jcinthedance / @jesteriina / @jehstr / @jenasil / @occultspecialists / @exorsista / @aislinqs / @gwaed / @obsessicn / @confcssed / @enravaged / @morbosi / @alwayscutoff / @personsuited / @edgecutting / @heaimed / @clownlike / @warjournal / @selfbest / @shekore / @senoyer / @nuiweion / @slayscryptids / @footagecaught / @toshapeshift / @eyeswaps / @eyedented / @crysbeckett / @4-6-4-1-9 / @gothsrot / @witchbonds / @vctivus / @realityrot / @realcomedian / @wulventyr / @montanaerobics / @sexwins / @coucheravec / @snapsbeast / @ordinryman / @deathtaught / @edhelgund / @herheal / @heavensdecay / @gumihc / @pestired / @byersmom / @skateshe / @wantlonger / @veiledpeak / @wasben / @apostaet / @girlquaked / @betterthanmorty / @ascotwearing / @witcheking / @yourbloodbelongstome / @omatics / @rcdteeth / @nomither / @prodigil / @prouddov / @obscenesupreme / @roguepiece / @isempath / @babaayaaga / @burglarie / @enruined / @visionsent / @spellfear / @spelltricks / @deadgirldani / @dctorsleep / @dcputyrook / @dcllparted / @huntsighted / @prceteritus / @wildardor / @vigilink / @cupidvvitch / @liftedrelics / @mediocremorals / @heamatic / @heartmiles / @omegles / @motivelacking / @mistoffelous / @bberkman / @blondieat / @starszakrew / @fraudcoded / @thequarrelsome / @deathatyourdoorstep / @egopath / @hariolor / @tolerhate / @useknives / @starleft / @jeanjacketed / @tiimedtm / @wanderlustmuses / @musewritten / @houseofwindows / @magicalshe / @ozwolff / @jigento / @cthlicdevil / @hailiing / @31daughter / @epitideios / @metareview / @fiercemarked / @iceized / @phantomwhisp / @abomichor / @luemiere / @blckaiser / @inqustve / @toheavyn / @atnoctum / @vicemirrored / @thirtnth / @pyoniumyankee / @onlycertainty / @putryd + many many others whom i’m currently following!

i wish i could have included everyone who’s currently following me, but just know that if we’re mutuals, you’re included. these are as many as i could remember, but i want everyone to know that you are all appreciated by me, especially considering how you are all really the ones to thank for making my time here so wonderful! you are all amazing, truly amazing. in the coming weeks, i will do my best to interact with mutuals new and old.

keep your chins held high. each portrayal is special, each roleplayer brings something new to the table, and if you ever need a friend, i am always here for you.

once again, THANK YOU ALL for your support!

SINCERELY, ALEX

#SOMETHING ABOUT YOU MAKES ME WANT TO KEEP YOU IN MY LIFE. - BIAS LIST.#( i made this promo graphic like........ last week )#( or actually earlier this week and then i HAD TO REVISE IT WHAT THE FUCK )#( I... WOW )#( falls back on my bed as i go back to writing starters and ask responses AHHH )#( im gonna announce the q & a as well... perhaps ill do that sunday )#( ANYWAYS HAVE THIS )#( i tried to get as many as you as possible so... forgive me... )

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dailyaudiobible · 4 years

Text

05/06/2020 DAB Transcript

Ruth 2:1-4:22, John 4:43-54, Psalms 105:16-36, Proverbs 14:26-27

Today is the 6th day of May welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it is wonderful to be here with you today as we move to the center of another of our weeks together. So, yesterday we began the book of Ruth, even as we ended the book of Judges and we talked about it being a breath of fresh air and…and it is. It's a beautiful story of character. Today we will conclude…it’s a short story…so we’ll conclude the book of Ruth today. So, we’re reading from the New Living Translation this week. Ruth chapters 2, 3, and 4.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word and we thank for this story, the book of Ruth that we have been able to enjoy over the last couple of days. We thank You for story of character and loyalty and uprightness because it's severely contrasted with what we've worked our way through in the book of Judges. And, so, we…we have this picture of what it looks like for everybody to go do what they want and over centuries what that does to people individually and collectively. And we have this picture here of uprightness, of goodness, of loyalty, of humility, of mercy, of not taking advantage. We thank You for this contrast between Judges and Ruth. We also thank You for showing us and beginning to set up the story that will lead us to King David who we will meet before too long. Thank You Father for ministering to us through Your word each and every day, giving us things to apply into our lives and hearts and to think about and to change and to repent of and to find comfort in. Like, You are constantly present and we thank You for leading us and directing us through Your word and we invite Your Holy Spirit to keep bringing up things into our hearts, into our minds, that we need to ponder, that You are leading us into as we move through this day. Come Holy Spirit we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

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If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, I cannot thank you enough. I thank you with all of my heart. This is how the Global Campfire exists. That is…this is how we are here. Thank you for your partnership. So, there’s a link on the homepage at dailyaudiobible.com. If you’re using the app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address, if you prefer, is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

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And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hey, DABbers this is Mike In Awe in Kansas City Missouri I wanted to call in and pray against anxiety and confusion in relation to this virus. I think a lot of us have been going through it. I had a lot of anxiety at the beginning of this and I’ve really had to press into the Scriptures and pray and started ignoring all news related to it but I’m still doing my part like hand sanitizing and wearing a mask when I go to the store. Anyway, Lord, please bless the mental health of Your people Lord. Help us to increase, enjoy, in n wisdom, imagination, kindness, love, peace, purity, and patience Lord. Bless us with these things. Help us to see the truth that You are in control Lord, that You are all-powerful during this time, nothing has caught You off guard. Nothing is stronger than You Lord. Nothing can happen to us. You know us individually Lord. The Scripture say that You’ve counted the hairs on our head, and nothing will befall us, nothing will happen to us outside of Your approval. And help us to lean in on that Lord. Help Your Psalms 91 promises Lord that You will keep the us under the pinions of Your wings, metaphorically. Help us keep that in our heart Lord. Help that to resonate with us and become who we are Lord that we know that You’re our shield like David said, You’re our glory, the lifter of our head Lord. Bless us with joy abundantly during this time that we can see the trickery of the enemy and that we can rise above it in joy, that we can share Your life with others. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Hey there DAB family this is Catherine the South African from Houston calling. I’m a little behind on my DAB listening and I had listened to April 18th today and I heard Val from Vegas. And Val am so glad to hear you, are doing so well and that everything turned out so well for you. I am thrilled to hear the joy in your voice, and you gave me so much joy. So, God bless you and I hope that’s…you just continue to get stronger and stronger. And then there was a lady called Good News Cindy I think and she called and really made me smile just thinking of all the things that she’s enjoying about COVID if there’s…if one can even look at it in that light. But it made me think about what I’m grateful for and there is so much, there is so much to be grateful for. You touched about having time to be outdoors and take…to be…take notice of things that you’d otherwise miss when you’re at work. And we’ve been spending so much time outdoors just appreciating how beautiful the area we live in is, seeing spring slowly come and…well…quite quickly in Houston, take over. But the thing that I most value is that the fact that my husband’s home. He’s been furloughed. I’m working from home part time and we just have this amazing time together and it occurred to me, the next time we’re probably gonna be sitting around, “what do you feel like doing today love” is probably going to be when we’re both retired. And, so, I encourage married copies to just love each other and just enjoy this time together because goodness knows it’ll probably be a long time before we get something like this again. I love you all so much family and I just love this podcast. Thank you, Brian, thank you everyone involved and all you listeners. I love you and pray for you.

Alicia from Pennsylvania calling. I just heard some woman talking about her daughter and I just wanted pray for them. Lord, just give that mother the words to be able to talk with her daughter. Her daughter had said that she hadn’t slept in four days and I feel like I can relate to that and just the amount of mental strain that that brings. Crying on the floor in the fetal position for an hour, like just reminds me of my teenage years. And my mother was so…I know…I know that those times weighed so heavy on my mother’s heart and that she would have done anything to help me. And I just couldn’t hear her at the time. And I want to just tell you that there’s hope. I’m medicated now for bipolar and I have never felt better emotionally and I would say the only main difference between her and me is that I have seen God work in my life and I just pray that she does experience something in her life that shows You that You are real and that You’re here in that You are with her Lord. Lord I just pray that You lift them up, just let them be able to put in Your arms all the things that they can’t explain that have happened to them. Lord just help them to put it aside and to find the silver lining and to find the love that does exist. In Your name I pray. Amen.

Hi Daily Audio Bible family this is Cindy the flute player. I’m just going to be straight up and not stay on here very long. I lost my job. I have not been able to secure employment and today I found out that I have to leave my…my home. So, I don’t have any words, but I want you to know that I appreciate this group, this family and I’m praying for you out there. Been fasting and praying and so, what’s Your reason? There must be a really strong reason why He’s put me in such a trial like this. I don’t know what needs to be cultivated or eliminated or…I don’t know…I don’t know a lot but I know that He really is our only hope. So, anyway, talk to you later. Bye.

Good morning DAB fam this is Stephen from Alabama May the 1st and I just want to make everyone…and praise God for this ministry. And I hope everyone realizes the value of this ministry, the incredible immense value from the insight that we get from Brian to just this week Miss Brown singing Mr. Rogers. I wept as well when I heard that. And Miss Brown I’ve adopted you as my third grandmother. My…my grandmothers have both passed on to heaven. And, so, I’m adopting you and I don’t know that we will ever leave this side of heaven, but I can’t wait to hug your neck in heaven. I also want to reiterate what Nicole who called in who’s gone through the incredible tragedy in her life and difficulty. I too, in the nine years I have been listening to the Daily Audio Bible, I’ve gone through…I went through about four or five years of…of failures in business. Our personal income dropped about 80% from where it once was. A couple years ago I had a virus, very similar…very, very similar to this virus that’s going around now. Caused me to have pneumonia. Never been in a hospital a day of my life. Had pneumonia. Attacked my heart. Gave me heart failure. About a year ago this month I had a pacemaker defibrillator implanted. So, through that all I was…God gave me an incredible amount of peace simply because I showed up every day and pressed play. And that’s my encouragement to you. Jesus said this life is still gonna be difficult, but if you will just show up and push play, Jesus…and Brian has done all the hard work. Just push play and let God speak. God bless. Love you.

This is an encouragement for my sister who is dealing with husband that is abusive and selfish and trying to take away the child that he said he never wanted. And I understand. I went through that myself. All I can say is that God is able to do so much more than you can ever ask, think, or imagine. After my situation was over God had provided a way for me to be the sole provider of my child and also gave me an amazing husband that I love so much. And we would never have been able to have children. So, it’s an amazing thing. God works through our trials and our battles are His battles. So, put on your armor every day. Gird your loins, expect to fight, but then just submit fully to the hand of the Lord and trust Him because He will deliver you. He is your deliverer. He loves you and your daughter beyond measure. May God bless you and keep you. May God make His face to shine upon you and give you peace. May He cover you with His pinions. May He protect you. May He give you outrageous strength and eyes to see and ears to hear above all the noise that the enemy is throwing at you. And it’s in Jesus’ precious and holy name I pray for you and ask these things. I love you. Treasured Possession.

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rosesisupposes · 5 years

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For the made up fic-title: Medicinal Poison

[Apologies in advance, this one’s gonna be a bit venty]

Prompt: Send me a made-up fic title and I’ll tell you what I’d write for it/write a mini fic for it

[Update to add: read on ao3]

~~~~~~~

Tick, tock, tick

The faint sound from the common room reminded him that the hour grew later and later, no matter how unsettled he felt.

Tock, tick, tock

He rolled over to check the time and saw the glowing green numbers indicating it was a quarter to four in the morning. He rolled back into his pillow to muffled the defeated moan grumbling its way out of his throat. Less than four hours until the morning’s alarm. The only thing awake with him was the house with its small rumblings, pipes and vents and creaks. The other residents of the mindscape were all safely ensconced in Remy’s domain.

Patton sighed, shifting once more under the covers. He knew he needed to sleep. Logan was very adamant about healthy circadian rhythms for them all, and Patton didn’t want to disappoint him too. He’d slowly started to notice Patton’s subdued morning greetings and had definitely noticed when the coffee pot started emptying faster. And given how easily Roman was distracting the logical side these days, Logan’s notice meant Patton could no longer deny that the sleep deprivation was getting worse.

Patton squished his pillow into a more comfortable position and blindly grabbed a stuffed animal from his bedside pile. He hugged the small creature to his chest, curling up around it, when the shapes and patterns under his fingers suddenly melded into a familiar mental image. Despite the dark, he could perfectly picture every detail, every stitch, every limb of his tiny Toothless. Despite being the newest addition to his collection, it was already worn. Patton nearly dropped it like a hot coal, but paused. He was already up this late, already unable to quiet the ruminations. Perhaps tonight he could stop pushing it away, and let himself remember.

He pulled the little dragon close to his chest, and let himself drift. He hand closed on bedsheets that had once been occupied. Equally fierce and gentle, angular limbs that fit perfectly around Patton’s form - he could still picture those nights with Virgil with perfect clarity. They hadn’t been so very long ago, but months felt like an eternity. And nights like these, when he had so many more waking hours to reminisce, only made the ache of that time sharper.

They still saw each other, during the day. They had to. It wasn’t like Patton could become someone else’s morality, or Virgil a stranger’s anxiety, nor could any of them refuse to appear. They’d seen the consequences of that. Virgil’s disappearance had prove to them all how essential he was- and it had proved to Virgil how much Patton had already believed that. That appreciation had led to affection, and it had brought Patton some of the happiest months of his existence.

Squeezing his Toothless tight as tears started to leak out of his eyes, he wished once more that those days hadn’t ended. He hated how alone he felt now. How much more aware he was of the quiet of his room and the sounds of the house in the pre-dawn hours. How many more silences inserted themselves into days that had once been filled with pet names and banter, puns and giggles.

The urge returned that night, strong as it had ever been. Go to him, it said with all of Roman’s passion. He can’t be aware of your current feelings if you never tell him, it murmured with Logan’s faultless reason. He might feel differently now, it insisted with all the optimism his heart could muster.

But that wasn’t his own optimism, was it. No, that was Dee again, the comfort of lies wrapping around his shoulders like Virgil’s arms had, once. Patton knew full well what further attempts would do. They’d only hurt them both, and nothing would change.

Virgil had been certain. He wasn’t in a place for a relationship. That much was clear. And he could work on it, and wanted to, but couldn’t ask Patton to just… stick around for him. Couldn’t ask him to take on the burden of Virgil’s slow therapeutic improvement. Patton had begged for the chance to stay anyway, to be there anyway, but Virge has insisted. “I can’t do that to you, Pat. I don’t want you to have to become my caretaker instead of my boyfriend. And that’s what will happen. So better to tell you now, end it now, than wait for the day you wake up and resent me for being a mess where you want a partner.”

I could never resent you, had died on Patton’s lips as he stared into Virgil’s achingly lovely eyes. He couldn’t promise such a thing, not without seeing the future. And a reckless vow would help no one.

Picturing it now, the tears poured out, hot and silent. Patton curled himself into a smaller ball, hoping the melancholy might not spread if he took up less room. But his stomach started to hurt from the effort of not shaking.

I’m already up so late and sobbing, he thought with resignation. Might as well lean in. He sat up and summoned the picture frame from his wall. At his thought, the moving image shifted, bringing up a candid Roman had captured for the memory frame. Virgil and Patton crafting together, creating scarves of all four Hogwarts house colors as Virgil revealed his unexpected talent for knitting. Patton in the capture had his hands tangled in yarn, grinning hugely from inside his cat hoodie as Virgil laughed. The image shifted, and now it was a selfie, a picnic they’d planned together in the Imagination. The perfect early sunset set in their eyes as the sky behind them bloomed in their colors: light blue sky before the sun faded, interrupted by the dark purple underbellies of clouds. Virgil learned in to kiss Patton’s cheek as the memory was stored. Another shift and Patton found the picture he’d blocked anyone else from accessing. He’d captured it one cozy morning. Virgil, only half under the covers, looked up at him through sleep-ruffled bangs with a slow smile spreading across his face. His mouth moved without sound, but Patton still remembered the exact sound, the exact words: “Good morning, sunshine,” thick with sleep and yet so soft and gentle that it had caused Patton to immediately cover the man in kisses. He couldn’t stand to lose the memory, nor could he ever bear sharing such a thing.

He knew he tortured himself with the memories, with the pangs of longing to just go back to how it was. He knew the indulgence would only sting all the more as he brought himself back to his Virgil-less reality. But it soothed his heart, just enough. It was a cool balm that dulled the sharp burn, even if it flared again when the balm dried away. It was sticky-sweet honey, coating his heart like a sore throat without any of the ability to lead to lasting healing.

He knew the morning would bring more pain. He would drag himself out of bed, tack on a bright smile, slog his way through his duties and videos. He’d see the man he loved, the one he missed, the smile he ached for, but none of Virgil would be for him. The reality pushed down on him, a slow, non lethal blow. He risked the acuteness of pain each time he wallowed, and accepted that risk. It was with eyes wide open and heart fully exposed that he let himself drink the memories in deep.

#moxiety #past moxiety #angst #roses writes fanfic #my smol soft son #pattangst #prompt fill #prompt writing #hey nonny nonny #patton sanders #ts patton #wrote this when i should have been sleeping #angst with no happy ending #hurt no comfort #hurt/no comfort

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nintendotreehouse · 7 years

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Exploring Skyrim Part II: Combat Skills and Comrades

In our last post (here), we covered the basics of archetypes, skill trees, and perks in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim game. Next, let’s dive a little deeper into skill trees that are specific to combat and touch on how nice it is to get by with a little help from your friends.

Combat plays a huge factor in your character’s survival, but your approach to combat matters as well. In this respect, the game reminds me of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild game. I love trying to figure out creative ways to outsmart my enemies in that game…like encouraging a Moblin to pick up a Bokoblin and use it as a club, or bringing a Cucco into combat to trigger a fierce flock of fowl that takes down my enemies for me. In The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, on the other hand, violent antics with chickens will incite an entire village to attack you!

First strike! Spare no one in guard-bowling.

Yet the point still stands—the combat of this open-world adventure is deep and varied—thanks in no small part to its extensive customization options.

Do you want to engage your enemies from a distance with fire and arrows? Charge in and go toe-to-claw wielding massive weapons and shields? Send allied followers into the fray to fight on your behalf? Cause a little chaos by pitting your enemies against each other? (Troll versus hargraven, anyone?) Lead giants into a hostile city? (Good luck collecting that bounty now, guard commander!) Whatever you’re looking for, when it comes to combat, Skyrim has you covered.

Getting Physical

There are six main skills to consider on the physical combat front, each with its own skill tree of perks:

Two-Handed

One-Handed

Block

Archery

Heavy Armor

Smithing

While there’s a huge variety of weapons to use, warhammers are some of my favorites.

Two-Handed focuses on weapons that require both hands to wield, such as massive axes, warhammers, and greatswords (all generally things that make your enemies go “squish”). While attacks are slow, blows are powerful and deadly. These weapons can also block your enemies or cause them to stumble (the Block skill tree can help this). Using these weapons takes stamina, so strategize your power blows and perk selections accordingly.

Sometimes enemies just have a bone to pick with you.

One-Handed focuses on weapons you can wield in one hand, such as maces, swords, and daggers. (In your other hand, you can wield a second weapon, a shield, or use magic.) Attacks are generally faster than those of a Two-Handed counterpart, and these weapons can block too. The Master Sword is a one-handed weapon, assuming you’re lucky and get it from an amiibo treasure chest or find it somewhere during your travels. It looks great paired with the Hylian shield, but it can be paired with other off-hand gear as well.

Today’s blocking technique could prevent you from being tomorrow’s barbeque…whether from dragon fire or magic.

Block is all about shielding yourself from physical and magical damage either with a weapon or a shield. As you master this skill, you’ll find your blocking gets more effective, and as you work your way up the skill tree, you’ll be able to better bash your enemies, barrel through them, or even slow time to block their power attacks.

My arachnophobia strongly approves of killing giant spiders from as far away as possible.

Archery is pretty much self-explanatory. Work on this skill tree to hit things with sticks from afar, gain keener eyesight when aiming, steadier hands, or a more powerful draw that may even stagger your enemies. Archers are my personal favorite, because I like sneaking up and sniping people for bonus damage over clubbing them over the head (with a high enough sneak, you can do that too).

Heavy Armor affects how you move and fight in heavy (as opposed to light or cloth) armor. This armor type offers more protection from attacks. The down side is that heavy armor is… well, HEAVY. It can take up more carry weight and drains stamina while running or fighting. However, perks in this tree address some of these negatives; allowing heavy armor to weigh nothing, adding a chance for deflecting damage back at enemies, etc. Heavy armor may slow you down, but there is a perk that can help with that as well.

Smithing is all about crafting and improving your gear. Since this falls under the crafting umbrella, we’ll provide more detail in our next article, which dives deep into crafting-focused skills.

Make sure to hop into the skills menu each time you increase your overall character level.

Feeling the Magic

If you are more into the arcane aspects of battle, there are six skills and associated skill trees to explore. Enchanting adds magical effects to weapons and armor. This falls closer to crafting, which (as mentioned) will be discussed in the next article, but it’s worth keeping in mind as you explore your magical prowess (or lack thereof).

Combat-wise, each of these skill trees are based upon a distinct school of magic:

Illusion manipulates the mind of your enemy. Some spells cause enemies to lose the will to fight, flee in fear, attack others in a frenzy, or even render the caster invisible. While none of the spells in the School of Illusion deal damage directly, Illusion is formidable when skillfully used against almost any enemy in Skyrim. It’s a great supplement to other schools of magic or characters that focus on stealth.

Summoned creatures don’t just look cool, they can bring serious attack power.

Conjuration governs raising the dead and summoning creatures from different planes of existence. Masters of this school find it easier to cast Soul Trap, summon creatures (such as atronochs) and reanimate corpses to fight on their behalf, and conjure ethereal weapons. While Conjuration is largely focused on combat, this school favors enlisting others to fight on a mage’s behalf rather than on dealing direct damage. Note that most Conjuration mages can only have one Summon or Reanimation at a time, though masters of this school may gain the perk to have two simultaneously.

Enemies might use magic as well. Some enemies have no chill…though this one has plenty!

Destruction harnesses elemental energies like Fire, Frost, and Shock to damage enemies. Mages who focus on Destruction can choose to specialize in certain elements for extra damage. Each element specialty has a different cost, with Fire taking the least amount of magicka to cast, and Spark taking the most. Each also has a special perk which can affect nearby enemies with low health. Mages specializing in this school should be advised that, because certain enemies may be resistant to different forms of magic, diversification might increase your chance of survival.

Restoration exerts control over life forces. As the name implies, this school specializes in things like healing and magical wards. It also deals in rapid restoration of magicka, and allows greater effectiveness against undead enemies.

Alteration manipulates the physical and natural properties of the world to your character’s will. This school of magic offers a range of defensive effects as you advance on the skill tree, such as Mage Armor, Magic Resistance, and Spell Absorption. You can even learn to breathe under water! The Alteration skill tree’s Paralysis spell is really the only offensive spell in this school.

While they’re all quite different, these schools of magic synergize well, and you can always train with the mages at the College of Winterhold to hone your abilities.

Strength in Numbers

Followers are great tanks and/or damage dealers. They also make handy pack mules for loot.

I’ve focused on physical and magical combat here, but regardless of your style of combat, “it’s dangerous to go alone,” so enlisting a follower may increase your chance of survival. Fellow Treehouser James found that having followers actually played nicely into his character’s personal narrative:

“I wanted to create a mage who wouldn’t ever do anything herself, but just waltz through while others did the work, so I made a full illusionist / conjuration character. When I fought little guys, all I did was toss a few spells of Calm into the room, take what I wanted, and walk out. With the bigger enemies, I let my atronachs do the talking for me and blast everything out of the sky… It felt nice playing magical ruler of the universe, bending everything to my will but those pesky dragons.”

Keep in mind, though, that your followers might grow on you… As Mary from the Treehouse recalls,

“When my first Follower, Uthgerd the Unbroken, died in the field, I felt so terrible that I carried her body all the way back to the Hall of the Dead in Whiterun! I even went back to visit her grave from time to time to make sure she didn’t become a vampire, or undead. On the bright side, she must have added me to her will, because I had full access to her house after that, and it came in very handy having a place to sleep and store items well before I was able to buy property! Thanks, Uthgerd! Sorry about that troll!”

Maybe a little heartbreak’s just part of the Skyrim experience. But on the flip-side, your character might find love as well, and marriage partners in the most unlikely places! Mary had that experience too, and her choice of husband really changed how she played the game:

“I selected Marcurio, a mage that lived in the Riften tavern. His magical abilities complimented my character’s archery and magic perfectly. After I started seeing a lot of NPC characters being permanently killed during dragon attacks, I stopped taking the husband with me. Unlike in a Zelda game, where death can appear sentimental—almost romanticized—in Skyrim death can be horrific! I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing his corpse in the environment forever.”

There’s lots left to explore. We’ll get into plenty more in our next posts, so please stay tuned!

It’s a huge, open-world out there…so get exploring!

—Lindsey N.

#Elder Scrolls V #Skyrim #Nintendo Switch #Nintendo #Treehouse

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casualarsonist · 6 years

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No Man’s Sky (PS4) review

A while back I posted a first impressions run-down of my initial thoughts on No Man’s Sky.

https://casualarsonist.tumblr.com/post/164330011115/no-mans-sky-in-2017-a-first-impressions-review

In it you can find the perspective of someone who was somewhere within the first fifty hours of having an amazing time, and I think it’s a good companion piece to the feelings expressed here. I bought the game for £10 on the Playstation store after a great deal of umm-ing and ah-ing and following the aftermath of the PR meltdown catalysed by Sean Murray and Hello Games’ numerous unfulfilled promises preceding the game’s launch, and upon loading it up I found the incredible size of the game, the beauty of its landscapes, and the utterly unique feeling of dropping down on the middle of a life-sized alien planet with nothing with the sound of the wind howling along a desolate landscape absolutely captivating. But, for some reason, after about fifty hours of engaging gameplay, I just kind of dropped it and never went back. If I recall correctly, it might have had something to do with a PS Store sale and a bunch of other shorter games that distracted me…

You know what it’s like…

But regardless of the reason, I didn’t go back to No Man’s Sky for months. It was only after coming home late one night last week and not feeling like I was ready to go to bed that I sat in the dark, booted the ol’ PS4 up and clicked ‘play’ on the game to remind myself of what was going on. The interesting thing is that after giving myself some time, space, and perspective, coming back to it after all that time away laid bare a fact about the game that had remained hidden to me right up until that moment. A fact that defines the end experience for the player as much as its ambition defines the beginning.

No Man’s Sky is a first-person space exploration game developed by the small 16-man studio, ‘Hello Games’. Having only ever released the side-scrolling racing/platformer ‘Joe Danger’ games, No Man’s Sky was a huge shift from the studio’s base of experience, and an incredible up-scale in scope from anything they had previously attempted. The player awakens on a planet next to the busted shell of their crashed ship. Beyond them lies an enormous, procedurally-generated expanse filled with alien plant and animal life, and rock and mineral deposits, all harvestable for the base resources required to get your ship up and running again. One may find bodies of water, underground caves, outposts both abandoned or inhabited by intelligent lifeforms belonging to one of three alien races, as well as totems that teach you the various languages of the galaxy word by word, and strange monoliths or temples that will offer rewards or punishments to the player for the way they choose to interact with them. Mysterious robots called Sentinels patrol about, sometimes passively, other times aggressively depending on the planet you’re on. The first experience is both incredible and overwhelming, and yet simple to engage with and amazing in scope. You’ll likely spend hours mining mineral deposits dry just for the sake of it. You can sit down with a partner and enjoy the exploration as much as a viewer as you can as a participant, and this to date the only game that my girlfriend is happy to play with me and I with her, which made it a satisfying and enjoyable social experience despite there being no formal multiplayer element.

Once you gather enough resources to repair your ship and regain the means with which to lift off, you can either fly around the planet exploring further and further afield, or take a seamless journey off-world and into the local system, traversing from planet to planet without loading screens, unlocking story missions, gathering more resources to trade or craft components for your ship, fight space pirates or becomes a space pirate yourself or even leave that system entirely and explore other planetary systems. The core feature of the gameplay here is exploration, and it’s important to understand this before you decide to buy, because those expecting to be allowed to blast their way across the galaxy are going to be sorely disappointed with No Man’s Sky’s relatively passive intentions.

Also the space combat is shit.

What can’t be understated is the scale of the game. No Man’s Sky is absolutely. fucking. enormous. There are literally quintillions of technically ‘unique’ planets to explore. Each has its own climate, colour palette, flora, fauna, quantity of life, size…one planet might be a tiny barren rock devoid of all organic life, but with great spires of pure gold jutting out from the ground; the next might be a verdant paradise brimming with creatures in every direction; another might be a radioactive water planet in which most of its bounty lies submerged beneath a purple sea; and yet another may be covered in snow and have floating islands of rock, and giant deposits of metal sinking deep into the ground. The diversity of the variables is impressive, but given the number of planets you’ll likely explore, you will start to see repetition in the different pieces sooner rather than later.

This is not aided by the fact that most of the intelligent creatures you come across will be, for all intents and purposes, the same in their functions. Some will give you small dialogue options in which you’re rewarded for saying or doing the right thing, others will offer to trade, and others still will have nothing to offer you at all. Any radiant quests you might encounter all come from a single quest vendor in each system, located at the same place in each system’s space station. And the radiant quests themselves are only ever of a handful of different types, meaning that, while they are useful for gathering credits, or perhaps eventually earning special rare items or weapons, they will never require any large degree of effort on the part of the player in order to complete them and quickly become activities that you perform by rote.

On the plus side, travel time = wank time.

But perhaps the most important thing that hinders No Man’s Sky’s diversity is the necessary homogenisation of its planets in order to maintain a sustainable gameplay environment. See, whilst the procedural generation allowed Hello Games to create a literal galaxy of planets with comparatively little effort, it also introduces an element of dangerous randomisation into the equation: for instance, say you use your last bit of fuel to travel to a planet that spawns without the materials that can be turned into more fuel, and you get stuck? Say you enter system after system, and every single planet spawns as a barren, uninteresting rock? Say a planet’s climate is so hostile that it kills the player as soon as they leave their ship? The size of the game’s galaxy and sheer number of planets within means that reducing the likelihood that a feature will appear by even 1% might mean that no players will ever see the feature because it ‘only’ appears in six trillion planets that will forever remain unexplored, and so Hello painted themselves into a corner in which they needed to ensure that each planet in the game fulfilled certain basic requirements so as not to render the experience unplayable for any user, whilst also ensuring that each player experienced enough diversity to stave off boredom for as long as possible. The end result is that while there might indeed be many distinct variations in the environments that one travels to, ultimately they are all going to fit within a rather narrow sliver of available options; no gas planets, no water planets, no ice balls, no planets with crushing gravity, and all, after a time, exhibiting fairly homogenised geometry. Looking at it from this perspective is the glass-half-empty approach, and a player coming in with lowered expectations and a positive outlook will find far more wonder in the experience than I’ve just described, but it still remains true that, for all the scope of the project, there are certainly some clear and present boundaries and restraints in the final product.

And this is what I found myself seeing clearly after coming back to the game following a months-long break: free from the momentum of the wave of wonder I rode for a good fifty hours after starting the game, the first planet I journeyed to was identical to the amalgamated image of all the other planets I’d been to that now existed in my memory. Whilst I had a distinct idea of the things I wanted to see and do in the game I was left innoculated against any overwhelming sense of repetition, but here I was having made my largest jump yet to a system nearly 200 light years away, and the first planet I land on is the epitome of the ‘average’ planet.

Which begs the question - how would one improve the situation? Because the current release of No Man’s Sky is certainly a step in the right direction when it comes to developing the space exploration genre. Whereas a game like Elite Dangerous might have better performance, a more accurate diversity in planet types, and more engaging controls and combat mechanics, one is limited to a very sparse series of activities in space, and their execution of on-planet traversal is, in a word, tediousandawfulandshit. There is far less to be found in that game on foot than there is in the sky, and far less content overall than No Man’s Sky in total - a game both much cheaper, and easier to pick up and play. I honestly don’t think there is a better middle ground as of yet because the aforementioned randomisation conundrum inhibits too much variation, and to hand-craft a game of this size would literally be impossible. Perhaps we will never get the perfect space game, and perhaps expecting such a thing is folly; I suppose the only change that could have really improved things would have been a managing of expectations.

Incidentally, it’s nearly impossible to find gifs that aren’t from the ‘Queen Elizabeth II tearing Sean Murray a new asshole’ basket.

The release build of No Man’s Sky was lacking a lot of the narrative and mechanical content, as well as some of the diversity that is in the current release, but even then, had it come out of some dark corner from a little-known indie studio it would be seen as an utter triumph - a milestone in independent games development. Hello Games’ neurotic insistence that their game would be something more than it was killed not only their audience’s goodwill, but also any chance that their game would be seen for the incredible indie accomplishment that it is. Instead, it will only ever be seen as inferior to what they said it would be. And while I think the mainstream awakening that occurred as a result of the scandal is good for consumers and the industry at large, it’s a shame that it happened to a game that deserves much more praise that it gets.

But I suppose that that is the nature of the current industry climate - the people calling the shots have a dreadful distrust of the quality of their products, and so good games will disappear into the ether if their lucky or be ruined if they’re not, and all because the people controlling public perception can’t help but fuck things up for themselves. No Man’s Sky is the Betamax of video games - a quality product brought down by its parent company’s bungling business tactics. Hello Games told the public what they thought they wanted to hear, and once they’d popped that cork there was no chance of being able to put it back in. But for those that are untarnished by the backlash, I assure you that the game is a huge departure from almost any space exploration game you’ve played before, and any sense of purpose that it may have been missing in the beginning has been restored, at least somewhat. If you can ignore the negative rhetoric (despite the fact that it’s all I’ve talked about for the last two hundred words) then I think you’ll find something wonderful here. Its price tends to fluctuate, and it has gone back up to fifty pounds at the moment, which I feel is a bit steep. But as far as I know, they’re still working on large, free updates, so any discount on this is a steal.

8/10

Very Good

#no man's sky #hello games #review #video game #space #exploration #planets #space exploration #crafting #survival #casual #relaxing

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murai5i · 4 years

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Jewelry Customs Among Eastern And Western Women

Having grown up immersed in south Asian way of life, I came to be familiar with jewelry as a trendy accessory and critical part of a woman's expressive identity. In my culture, women decorate themselves with precious jewels as with no trouble as one could placed on their wristwatch here inside the west. Upon moving to the US as a younger girl, I located that rings is appeared upon as a luxury, commonly bestowed upon a woman by using her huge other, and only on unique or uncommon events.

Image source The Diamond Club Of route, I am regarding first-rate earrings, in preference to the style and gown rings that regularly fills the display instances at most branch shops. In fact, in nations like India and my place of birth of Sri Lanka, some thing much less than 22KT gold isn't always considered "real" rings, and wearing and amassing portions of best rings begins at an early age. My first pair of rings, a couple of 22KT gold hoops that I nevertheless own, had been in my ears on the age of six months antique. Yes, six months vintage! No self-respecting south Asian girl would ever depart the residence without accessorizing her ears, even in infancy.

My first advent to American culture, because it relates to earrings, started at the age of sixteen when I turned into running at a jewelry keep within the mall in Connecticut. In stark evaluation to my own upbringing, I observed that getting pierced ears turned into almost taken into consideration to be risqué and turned into regularly discouraged via parents, in young ladies. I watched with fascination as little women came into the store with their mothers, begging to get their ears pierced. More times then no longer, the discern might respond with the notion that their daughter become still too younger.

The concept regarded overseas (no pun supposed) after coming from a way of life where nearly each young lady has pierced ears via her first birthday. Another fact that came as a marvel to me is that, in fashionable, western women and girls do not buy their personal earrings. Instead they wish that their boyfriend, fiancée or husband will wonder them with a stunning piece of jewelry for a special event. Popular dates encompass birthdays, Christmas and of direction, Valentine's Day. Back home in Sri Lanka, it does no longer arise to us to watch for our full-size other to buy us a bit of jewelry.

In areas like Sri Lanka and India, girls are essential customers of jewellery, purchasing the whole thing from simple baubles to extravagant high-priced portions that may be passed down to more youthful generations. From an outside perspective, it's far charming that in the United States, a country that celebrates individualism and empowerment, even within the yr 2007, girls still do no longer sense empowered to make their personal jewelry purchases. American women do no longer think twice approximately pulling out their credit score card for a 5 hundred dollar pair of fashion designer shoes or a designer purse, yet on the subject of jewelry they're nevertheless desperately hoping to be supplied with the proverbial "little blue field."

Recently, a a success advertising marketing campaign added the concept of the "right hand ring," a diamond ring that ladies can buy for themselves as a praise for his or her own achievements; one that would be worn on their proper hand, freed from social stigma. This marketing campaign went one step similarly, pushing the idea that a female no longer has to look ahead to a person to buy her that lots coveted diamond ring. This begs the query, why must we anticipate all people to buy us rings?? Instead of wasting loads of bucks on disposable dress rings, why don't we indulge ourselves and buy the investment pieces that may be loved over the course of our lifetime, and then handed down to our daughters and granddaughters? And why limit our own rings purchases to simply the "proper hand ring?"

American cultural norms appear to dictate that the diamond ring ought to be the main funding piece of jewelry in a woman's collective property and in her life. There are, in fact, so many beautifully crafted and various options to choose from.

It become in the course of my very own quest to locate the proper earrings for my wedding that inspired my jewelry line, Crysobel. I wanted jewelry that might commemorate my special day and would additionally replicate and specific a mixture of my japanese roots and my contemporary urban life-style. I simply did now not expect my amazing Dutch fiancée with the intention to meet my particular requirements in this place. As a modern-day day woman, I knew precisely what I turned into seeking out, and after an exhaustive search I found out it did not exist.

I decided to design my personal wedding earrings and the seeds of the Crysobel Jewelry Line have been sewn. During my initial quest to layout and craft my very own earrings line, I changed into reminded once more how uncommon it's far for ladies to buy their personal jewelry. It became then that I decided to dedicate fully to Crysobel. I chose to layout a line that was now not handiest a mirrored image of my aesthetics and cultural heritage, however one that might additionally introduce a new angle into what people partner with women shopping for, amassing and making an investment in satisfactory handcrafted earrings.

My clients have a tendency to be assured, style ahead and independent girls who pick to spend money on finely crafted jewelry and who take into account that a pair of splendid 18K gold and ruby chandelier rings can just as easily be worn with a couple of denims and wedges as it can with a silky slip cocktail dress. They recognize that they deserve to enjoy their earrings on a each day foundation, and that they deserve it. I try to design my pieces for this reason, to come up with the money for clients all of the flexibility they may ever want in an "funding" piece.

After all, who desires to invest in an exquisitely designed piece of jewelry, handiest to keep it locked up in a vault and pulled out for the uncommon dressy event? Life is too quick...Every moment of our lives ought to be regarded as a pink carpet event.

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gamerszone2019-blog · 5 years

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No Man's Sky Beyond Review

New Post has been published on https://gamerszone.tn/no-mans-sky-beyond-review/

No Man's Sky Beyond Review

In 2019, No Man’s Sky

is the water fight of games. When your water balloons are stacked high and your water gun is full it’s an absolute blast. But inevitably, you run out of liquid ammunition and have to pause for several minutes, soaking wet and shivering, while you operate a hose and refill your stores for the next round of fun. While the recent Beyond represents another significant step in the right direction for No Man’s Sky that improves itself in almost every area, the uninteresting harvesting and survival mechanics that underlie it all remain incredibly grindy and frequently mind-numbingly tedious. It often feels like it’s been made by two teams with opposing views on game design, who are each tugging at either side of it until eventually agreeing to meet in the middle or tear it in half.At its best, No Man’s Sky plays like an increasingly elaborate interstellar Animal Crossing. You travel the stars and visit strange, procedurally generated planets in a never-ending quest for loot and money to spend on upgrades for your survival suit and weapon, ships to pilot, rovers to drive, and bases to build. Every time you think you’ll log off for the night, another notification pops up that reminds you about that one last thing you really wanted to do, and before you can say “I need an intervention,” it’s 5 AM and you’re redecorating your fifth base on some remote world or taming a bizarre creature that looks like the lovechild of Big Bird and an octopus.

Here’s how you tame and ride creatures in No Man’s Sky Beyond

It’s easy to appreciate the improvements and additions included in the Beyond update because they’re apparent as soon as you boot it up. Improved graphics highlight things like detail on your ships and a revamped tutorial and mission guidance system makes it much more clear what you should be working toward at any given time. Unlocking new technologies has been reimagined as skill trees that are easy to understand. And these are just a few of the highlights on the massive laundry list of things in the Beyond update that make No Man’s Sky vastly more interesting than it’s ever been.

With Beyond, No Man’s Sky is vastly more interesting than it’s ever been.

“

But the same things that make playing No Man’s Sky a wonderful, habit-forming odyssey that would make Tom Nook proud often work against you — like when you find yourself repeatedly grinding the same materials and crafting the same parts over and over again in an ongoing effort to fuel the numerous engines of interstellar life. You’ll spend tedious hours mining rocks to craft metal plates that you need to make starship engine fuel just so you can take off in your ship and see the still-impressive, completely seamless transition from ground to outer space and back again. And even though No Man’s Sky’s carrying limitations have been even further loosened with the Beyond update your inventory still fills up almost constantly, ensuring that the grind will never be defeated. With few ways to automate resource gathering, exploring the cosmos often takes a back seat to waiting for your mining laser to melt a tree into resources for minutes at a time.

And, considering how central exploration is to No Man’s Sky’s appeal, it’s staggering just how many mechanics still seem dead set on preventing you from doing just that. Why are your sprint and jetpack capabilities meters so limited, and why does using them draw from your life support meter? Why does every language have to be learned one word at a time, meaning that even after dozens of hours of playing you still can’t really understand any of the alien races you encounter? Why, for the love of God, does every planet in the universe have violent weather events every couple of minutes that require you to shut yourself indoors or hide in a cave and wait out to survive? Time and time again, No Man Sky begs you to explore it but then (quite literally) forces you walk, not run.

Hello Games’ Sean Murray walks us through Beyond’s many improvements in the video below.

It’s odd that No Man’s Sky still has so many irritating elements, because it’s also very clearly aware that they exist and tries to smooth over the issues rather than simply fixing them. For example, combat remains as dull and repetitive as ever, so the appearance of hostile lifeforms and robotic sentinel space police has been reduced instead of trying to make fighting them more entertaining. Space dogfights also remain monotonous and overly simplistic in Beyond, and while controls seem to have improved and encounters don’t drag on as long, fighting off pirates is never more than an annoying interruption to your travels.

Beyond brings NMS dangerously close to what we all thought it was when it was first revealed.

“

And yet, there’s something truly special about No Man’s Sky after the Beyond update that brings it dangerously close to being what we all thought it was when it was first revealed years ago. Getting lost among the stars, seeing strange and unique creatures, and claiming a piece of the nigh-limitless galaxy for yourself by building a home are all rewarding and all but completely unique to No Man’s Sky. It’s hard not to fall in love with it in the brief pockets of time where it isn’t forcing you to beat your head against a wall for an hour while you search for a deposit of copper but the stupid Dr. Seuss planet you’re on has is uranium.

In the course of my travels, I found myself stranded on a massive water planet filled with aggressive jellyfish, stared in awe at some bizarre life forms that were made up of levitating crystals, and explored the murky caves on an atmosphere-free moon. Of course, regardless of how they look every planet still has an identical loop of gathering materials, hiding from inevitable and frustrating storms of heat or ice or toxins, and maybe building a base or riding an animal or two along the way. But still there’s an undeniable rush of excitement in discovering and exploring a planet for the first time that doesn’t go away even after hours of play.

Beyond also alters and consolidates No Man’s Sky’s three main storylines into a more cohesive set of quests that intertwine, and they are much more accessible for it. One of the best-kept secrets of No Man’s Sky is that the story is actually fairly complex, with twists and turns that even go so far as to explain the reason behind the universe’s existence. But frankly, the vehicle by which the story is told – an endless chain of fetch quests and vague conversations with generic NPCs – makes the whole thing not at all worth the effort. Your time is better spent doing the things that are entertaining to you, finding your way to the end of the main quest lines only if you manage to find joy in doing so. (Or, y’know, YouTube exists.)

No Man’s Sky Beyond Screenshots

Multiplayer features have been drastically improved with Beyond, though it still falls far short of today’s standards in many ways – especially where organization is concerned. The Anomaly space station is now a social hub that allows you to encounter other players organically rather than by invite or chance (though doing so is still quite rare), and together you can undertake short group missions via The Nexus or even visit one another’s bases by stepping through a massive teleporter. The number of players in a single instance has been bumped up from four to eight on consoles and up to 32 on PC, but actually organizing activities together can be a bit of a nightmare. For starters, you’re given very few tools to find one another in the expansive galaxy, and unless everyone is communicating and staying together it’s easy to get lost or left behind with no easy way to rejoin your friends. If you find yourself without the required materials to launch or pilot your ship when everybody else takes off, for example, you’ll either get left behind by your friends or will hold up the group while you go shoot a laser at some plants for a few minutes. Sharing resources with one another is still, sadly and inexplicably, not an option.

Sharing resources with one another is still, sadly and inexplicably, not an option.

“

Most of the major and strange multiplayer glitches from last year’s NEXT update (in hindsight, a very funny name now that it’s the previous one) have been ironed out, though you’ll probably still encounter the odd bug now and again. I had incidents where my partner couldn’t see the enemies attacking me, or animation issues making it unclear when one of us was firing our mining laser. Playing with others makes the grind of No Man’s Sky much more bearable, but oftentimes because having someone to share in your pain can be really cathartic.

VR makes its debut in No Man’s Sky with the Beyond update (on PlayStation VR and PC, at least), and wandering around an undiscovered planet and hearing unknown critters walk up behind you is an exciting and sometimes unnerving experience. Using hand tracking with Move wands or Oculus/Vive/Index/etc controllers to aim your weapons and tools feels natural, even if you’re still just engaging in the usual monotony of harvesting. Using VR in space flight, on the other hand, is an overwhelmingly positive experience which benefits from your character being stationary and blurriness not mattering quite as much in the darkness of the void. And while it doesn’t fix the monotony of dogfighting, it absolutely makes it more immersive because you can look up through your ship’s canopy.

Watch 10 minutes of No Man’s Sky in VR below.

Movement options offer a static mode with teleportation and click-turning that can be a bit hard to learn but is easy on those of us with weaker stomachs, or a smooth-movement mode that acts the same way the non-VR mode does. However, on the PlayStation VR it was so low-res and blurry that it might make you lose your lunch like it did mine… twice. Still, seeing the galaxy of No Man’s Sky from a true first-person perspective can be a breathtaking experience, even if technical limitations mean there’s still a long way to go before it makes us feel like we’re really there.

Source : IGN

#Game News #Game Reviews

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sage-nebula · 7 years

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♡ and ♒ for Sycamore, ☆ and ☮ for Alain, ■ for Manon, and ♥ for Meyer!

Sycamore—

♡ Romantic Headcanon:

Sycamore is, and always has been, absolutely a romantic at heart. He acknowledges, when he thinks of it, that this might seem like something of a cliché; one of Kalos’ primary stereotypes is that it’s the most romantic and lovey-dovey regions, and while that isn’t as true as some other regions of the world would like to believe (Kanto in particular tend to take romanticization too far when it comes to Kalos), he also knows that he’s not exactly helping matters (if they can be helped) by being such a hopeless romantic himself. However, he has long since come to terms with himself and has accepted that, well, he is a romantic. He’s not so much a romantic in the “love forever at first sight” kind of way, but more so in the sense that he loves candlelit dinners, walks on the beach at sunset, heartfelt conversations while cuddling in bed, bouquets specially crafted for an individual, homemade chocolates and candies—things like that. (Not that he can actually make chocolates, mind you, but he really likes the idea. Funnily enough, this is a tradition that actually originated in Johto, so for all that Kantoneans might look at Kalos as being the region of love and romance, Sycamore thinks perhaps they should look next door a little more often.) He also does believe in true love, in a sense. Again, it’s not so much that he believes in love at first sight, or even so much that someone can have only one true love in their lifetime. More like, Sycamore believes that true love can be found, and can be developed, and two people can love each other for the rest of their natural lives … but that this relationship, like all relationships, does need equal input from both parties and isn’t something that can just exist without some effort being put in. True love exists, but effortless true love does not, if that makes sense. And this doesn’t make the notion any less romantic to Sycamore. If anything, it makes it more romantic in his eyes, because the idea that two people could come together to equally work on the love shared between them is, in his eyes, one of the most beautiful concepts of all.

All of this said, Sycamore has only ever had romantic / sexual attraction to men. And specifically, he has a type, and that type tends to be broad shouldered and muscular, more often than not with facial hair of some kind, and often some body hair, too. That’s his type sexually, anyway; romantically he’s attracted to bravery, loyalty, sincerity, fun-loving and exciting individuals, with a bonus (night requirement, really, after he unofficially adopts Alan) of being family-oriented (or at the very least tolerant of children, because honestly, if you can’t accept his kid you’re going to have to get out of his life, no exceptions). These are just some base traits of what he looks for in a partner, but it’s enough to give you a general gist. ;)

All of that said, it should be noted that as much as he is a hopeless romantic at heart, this doesn’t mean that Sycamore sees romance as being all-important, or the end-all, be-all of relationships. Far from it, in fact. He’s the one who introduces a rather concerned, anxious Alan to what aromanticism and asexuality are, talks him through the concepts and helps him realize that this is perfectly fine and normal, and that he’s fine (more than, really—he’s marvelous) just the way he is. Sycamore’s a romantic, but there are so many different types of love out there and he’s open and inclusive to all of them, not a worry about that. (In other words, he adores his aroace son. Again, if you can’t accept his kid, get out of his life.)

♒ Cooking / Food Headcanon:

Sycamore’s cooking ability is … rather all over the place.

To be entirely honest, he didn’t do much in the way of cooking at all prior to unofficially adopting Alan. In childhood, prior to setting out on his journey, his parents did all the cooking for him (as is to be expected, given that he was a child). After setting out on his journey, he mostly carried non-perishable food goods and snacks (like, a half of a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a jar of jam, for instance) with him that he could slap together while on the road / in the event he didn’t make it to a town with a restaurant. After abandoning his journey to return to school (and then university) it still wasn’t a problem because the schools had cafeterias / on-campus eateries that he could partake in. So even though his university roommate, Fulbert, told him time and again that he should learn how to cook real food, because one day he was going to actually have to be (gasp!) an adult and fend for himself, and when that day came he wouldn’t have a cafeteria to cook for him, Sycamore usually waved that commentary off (or used one hand to mime a talking mouth) while eating cereal out of a baseball helmet. (You may remember Fulbert bringing that one up during the fight he had with Sycamore over whether or not Sycamore was right to take / should keep Alan. If you ask Fulbert, it is one of the most outrageous things Sycamore ever did during their time as roommates, “… and that’s saying something.”)

After university, when he lived on his own, he realized that, to a degree, Fulbert had been right. (Note: He never told Fulbert this, and never would.) However, he still didn’t really learn to cook. He had cereal, and could make sandwiches, and sometimes when he was feeling very fancy he’d get one of those frozen dinners to toss in a skillet or in the oven to cook. Sometimes they had vegetables and everything. Amazing. However, after unofficially adopting Alan, Sycamore quickly came to the realization that things like eating cake for breakfast, or cereal for all three meals, isn’t exactly a good diet for a five-year-old child—and that, if he’s going to have this five-year-old child that is living with him eat nutritious meals, he should probably make a concentrated effort to improve the standards of food around the house. So with that said, Sycamore got some recipes from his parents and started making dedicated efforts to learn how to cook. Some efforts were more successful than others. Sycamore is very good with various kinds of pasta dishes, as well as various soups. To his frustration, he can’t bake worth a damn for the most part, with the exception of cookies that he and Alan make every year for Festival de la Vie. (Thus, birthday cakes and the like are usually store-bought, but he still makes sure to get very good ones.) He started eating three square meals a day along with Alan, as well as little snacks throughout the day, and marveled at the fact that actually eating a healthier, more balanced diet really did give him more energy and made him feel better. Who knew.

(A reminder: Sycamore had just turned twenty-five when he took Alan in—like, I think my current timeline has it about five days after his twenty-fifth birthday. So he was still in his mid-twenties when that happened, and it happened suddenly, so I think we can forgive him for being a bit of a mess, especially since—considering the lab and his status as a professor and everything—he was still far less of a mess than I am right now at age twenty-seven.)

Alan—

☆ Happy Headcanon:

One of Alan’s absolute favorite activities—something that is guaranteed to make him feel at peace, feel free, feel happy—is flying on Lizardon. The feeling is, to him, nigh indescribable; there’s the thrill that comes with swooping through the air, whether Lizardon is diving, or pulling a turn so sharp that he at first shoots straight up into the air, and then flips into a turn so smooth that for a moment Alan is actually parallel to the ground before Lizardon rolls in the air and rights them again. Lizardon likes to push his speed, to fly faster and stronger depending on the flight, and if he mega evolves during the flight then his endurance and speed is even greater. The thrill is definitely there, and Alan does love the thrill of it. He would be lying if he said he didn’t (and trust me, he isn’t a liar). Both of them love the thrill of it.

But it’s more than that, too. There’s something about the sky that makes him feel alive and free. He feels truly awake when they’re flying, and as such it’s often one of the very first things he does when he wakes up. The two of them go for a morning flight, not only so that Lizardon can stretch his wings, but because although Alan will still have some morning coffee when they get back, flying first thing wakes him up in a way few other things do. There’s something about the air in his lungs at that altitude, the wind through his hair, the sunlight (or moonlight) on his skin; breathing is easier in the sky, and the feeling of himself is something both more real and more … okay than in other circumstances. In the sky, nothing can touch them. They slow or stop for nothing and no one. It’s just the two of them, just Alan and Lizardon, in their own world. Whenever things get to be a bit too much on the ground, Alan knows that flying can make him feel better, even if that feeling is only temporarily. He can enjoy it, for that moment. It’s bliss incarnate.

Aside from flying, he also loves battling—and, specifically, he loves battling opponents that are truly on his level. This is not, as some might believe, because he has a thirst for combat, or for dominating opponents. While he does want to be the strongest, he wants that strength to protect others, and defeating increasingly strong opponents is a part of this only because it gives him the knowledge (and with knowledge comes a feeling of security to ease his anxieties) that he and Lizardon have the strength necessary to protect those they love / the world. (And also each other, but we all know how much Alan thinks about protecting himself. It’s okay, though; Alan’s safety is at least a concern to Lizardon.) So the reason why battling brings Alan joy isn’t about that particular goal of his, nor is it about anything ridiculous like blood lust. On the contrary, Alan finds joy in battling because it’s something that he and Lizardon do together, that they work toward together. Battles aren’t just about the pokémon engaging in combat against each other, nor are they about the trainer shouting commands. They’re not about trophies, medals, or accolades. Instead, they’re about the bond between the human and the pokémon; they’re about the two of them working in tandem, working in sync, accomplishing the same goal together, walking the same path together. Training is a part of this, absolutely (and he loves training with Lizardon, too), but when they’re battling an opponent on their level, Alan’s entire mind focuses on the battle, and on Lizardon, and on what the two of them are accomplishing together. When he wins and feels that rush of euphoria, it’s not just because he won, but rather because they won, together.

And in that, you might notice a theme between these two activities: Alan is happiest when he is with Lizardon, and specifically, when they are doing something that lets them fall into sync, where although they are two individuals, it’s really the two of them … as one. Flying is like this, because even though Lizardon is the one actually flying, anyone who has ever, say, ridden horseback can tell you that the rider puts just as much physical exertion into that as the horse does. Horseback riders have some serious muscle definition, and the exact same thing is true for dragon riders. And with a battle that seriously engages both of them, the same is true; they are both wholly engaged, and we’ve seen multiple times in canon when they even mirror each other’s body language during battles, because that’s how in sync they are. This is particularly true for mega evolution; mega evolution is dependent on their bond, and they have not faced struggles with this because their bond is strong enough that, even when they are both tense and angry during a battle (such as when battling Lysandre in the Flare arc), far from risking Lizardon losing control, all it does is make them both stronger. But the point is, these activities—flying with Lizardon, battling alongside him … these are things Alan enjoys, absolutely and unreservedly. He’s at his most peaceful during a solitary flight with just the two of them, and his most enthusiastic and energetic in a fierce battle (against a good friend—enemies are a different story, but against a dear friend? Look no further than every match he ever has with Ash to see just how happy those battles make him).

Smaller things that make him happy include, but are not limited to: Coffee (and mochas), sweets of various kinds (especially dark chocolate), spending time with and meeting new pokémon, good music, engrossing and entertaining books (both non-fiction and fiction), various board games and some video games, select TV shows, really comfy clothes, positive attention / affection from Sycamore (not that this is hard to get, but he’s happy and grateful every time), really soft blankets and fabrics, and sunny, warm days.

☮ Friendship Headcanon:

Alan has always found it far easier to befriend pokémon than people.

Part of this, as you could guess, stems from the abuse and neglect he had for the first five years of his life, growing up in Isolé Village. While he was far from a feral child (he was, after all, raised by people and not pokémon), the adults in the village all disparaged and disliked him, viewing him as an unwanted burden, and the other children in the village picked up on that and saw him as a convenient target to either blame their own indiscretions on, or otherwise bully without any repercussions. For this reason, the first friend Alan ever had was Soot the houndour puppy, whom he unwittingly stole from its pack, which caused the houndour raid and destruction that resulted in Sycamore finding him in the mountains. Funny how these things work out.

Over the seven years he spent living at the lab (bridging the time from when Sycamore brought him home to when he left on his journey), he slowly opened up and developed some social skills, and became (as we see in the flashbacks) a much happier, brighter child. But he’s still a reserved person by nature, still has some shyness to him, and the truth is that while there are other children in Lumiose City that he could have befriended, potentially, Alan spent a lot of time at the lab, or kept to himself when he was out in the city (or else stuck by Sycamore’s side if they were out together). So he still spent most of his time around Sycamore, any other adults that Sycamore had by the lab (Sophie if she was working, Fulbert or Meyer if they were visiting, et cetera), and thus by the pokémon. I don’t think Alan consciously thinks this way, but subconsciously he finds pokémon more trustworthy than people. I mean, thinking back to Isolé Village, none of the pokémon he ever encountered hated him on principle or mistreated him. Pretty much every human he ever knew before meeting Sycamore did. Even if he doesn’t consciously think about it, that sort of thing sticks with a person, especially a small child. So he’s far more likely to open up to a new pokémon than he is a new person. It’s not uncharacteristic of him to initiate conversation with someone only so that he can ask if it’s all right if he pets their pokémon, particularly if it’s a new one he hasn’t encountered before.

ALL OF THAT SAID— Sycamore did, when he could, gently encourage Alan to interact with children around his age whenever the occasion arose. He never pushed—he fully respects that Alan is reserved, he understands precisely why this is (natural personality + experiences), he doesn’t want to force Alan to do anything that makes him uncomfortable. But like, that summer camp is an annual thing, right? So I imagine that Alan must have attended, though most years he just helped out, because he was the Professor’s assistant, after all, it’s his job to help run it. But one year Louie (yeah, that Louie) decided to single him out as a Rival™, and Alan took the bait (tl;dr: Louie suggested that maybe he could be an assistant for Sycamore too, Alan coolly said they weren’t hiring, Louie said “then I’ll just show him how smart and impressive and great I am and take your job” and at that point the gauntlet was thrown, and more specifically, thrown by Alan), so he ended up asking Sycamore if he could participate this time. Sycamore was very excited because yes, yes, Alan wanted to go play with the other children, he wanted to make some friends!!, all the while not realizing that, no, Alan and Lizardon just wanted to beat the shit out of Louie and Garchoo. Whoops. (Well, not Louie specifically, but his pride got pretty badly wounded. He remembers this for all those years to come, while Alan pretty much forgets Louie exists after the summer camp. Whoops.) But that rivalry aside, for the scavenger hunt portion Alan is partnered up with Ayaka (yes, that Ayaka) and, depending on how I want to swing this, potentially anime-verse!Emma. The three of them make a pretty good team (Team Vowel, since all three of their names start with vowel sounds), and so there’s a light friendship there.

(I’ve also considered a situation where, possibly, Emma could be an on-again, off-again childhood friend—like maybe they run into each other around Lumiose City a lot in various different circumstances, and Emma calls him “books-for-brains” and teases him for staying in studying all the time, and Alan surprises her by showing her that he’s just as capable of scaling buildings and running across rooftops as she is, that sort of thing. Maybe they go years without talking, and then even as the police try every trick they can think of to pin some charge on him for the Flare nonsense (fighting tooth and nail against Diantha all the while), the Looker Bureau—and specifically, Emma—steps up to say nope, nu-uh, no way, that’s bogus, we did our own investigation and you’ve got nothin’, and also you’re violating a couple laws here so you might wanna stop. But I don’t know, that’s all up in the air, it’s just something I’ve considered before.)

In general, when it comes to human friendships, Alan gravitates toward people who are a.) great with pokémon, and b.) are not pushy, and therefore c.) respect his boundaries and the fact that he’s very introverted, still reserved even as he grows, and needs his space at times. Pretentious attitudes and arrogance are extremely off-putting to him, as are bullies, people who are almost constantly loud and hyperactive (it’s one thing to get excited sometimes, but it’s another to be Extra™ all the damn time—that is exhausting for an introvert like Alan), and of course people who are cruel to or mistreat pokémon. (That’s not even a “we can’t be friends” thing for him. That’s an instant “we are enemies” thing for him. No excuses.)

Manon—

■Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon :

Manon grew up in a boarding house, which is run by her aunt. For those who are unfamiliar, a boarding house is sort of like a dorm for adults; it’s a house that is filled with bedrooms that tenants can rent for short or extended stays (sometimes up to years), and has common areas such as a living room, dining room, bathrooms, et cetera. If you’ve ever seen the cartoon Hey Arnold!, Arnold lives in a boarding house. That’s where Manon grew up.

The boarding house itself is pretty old. It’s a building made of brick and has a very antiquated feel to it, and much of the furniture inside also seems to be several decades out of date, both due to Manon’s aunt’s taste in furniture, and also due to the fact that even with tenants money can still be scarce, particularly with the medical bills for Manon’s mother. (Manon’s mother is unwell; due to an accident that happened around the time of Manon’s birth that no one will tell her about, her mother’s physical health is frail and her mental health tends to be a bit unstable. She has her days of lucidity, when she’s perfectly aware of everything around her and remembers most things, but then she also has periods where she thinks that she’s several decades in the past, isn’t really aware of what’s going on around her, doesn’t recognize her daughter at all, et cetera. She’s still sweet and kind to Manon either way, so she’s never been abusive or anything, but she does need active care, and that’s what Manon’s aunt provides for her.) But despite being an old building the boarding house is still in good shape (as is the furniture inside), and is three stories tall. Manon’s room is on the top floor (because she likes to feel tall), and faces the street. She has a big window with a bench seat in it, and she often liked to sit on that and people / pokémon watch from the window. She would sketch pictures of the people she saw going by in her diary and make up stories about them. She still does this sometimes, even as an adult, albeit from outdoor seats at cafés instead of from her bedroom window.

Back to the point: Manon’s bedroom is actually one of the largest in the boarding house, second probably only to her aunt’s room and her mother’s room. She has the big window with the bench seat, as well as a four-poster bed with a sheer canopy, like a princess. She has an unfortunate shag carpet (which is light green), and a wallpaper border up against the ceiling that has rainbow imagery. She has a bookshelf against the wall across from her bed, but rather than books, every single shelf is stuffed with plushies instead. (She also has a lot of plushies on her bed. Like, a lot. She has a lot of plushies.) Her walls are dotted with various drawings, as well as some pictures she liked from magazines, usually of models or actresses she really liked for whatever reason. (Years later, as a teenager, she would come to realize what that reason was and have an, “OOHHHHHH” moment.) Her four-poster bed frame is white wood, and she has white wood dressers and nightstands as well. Her table lamp has a flowery lampshade.

Her bedroom aside, as mentioned, everything else in the boarding house was pretty old-fashioned. Shag carpets abound, rickety wooden stairs leading between each of the floors, a swinging door leading into the kitchen. Still, Manon spent plenty of time rampaging around the boarding house growing up (albeit she wasn’t always allowed in the tenants’ rooms—only with their permission, and how well she got on with them varied from tenant to tenant), so it’s still home to her even long after she’s grown, despite her complicated relationships with her mother and aunt. (Like, she loves them, but her mother is ill and her aunt is always tired and rather harried, plus can be rather stern, so particularly around the times she leaves to become a trainer, she’s not as close to them as she would like, and for example, didn’t think of them once during the Flare crisis until all was said and done. She felt really bad about that and resolved to make things better, and over the years both she and her aunt make a concentrated effort to have a closer relationship, and make a lot of progress as well. Her mother, for understandable reasons, finds it harder—but Manon still makes an effort to spend more time with her.) Additionally, Manon has always found it super cool that she grew up in a boarding house, because there are often very interesting tenants who sometimes told her cool stories of things they had experienced, and plus, how many kids could say they grew up in a boarding house? Hardly any, if any. But she could, and that’s cool. Even as an adult she doesn’t regret it. She still thinks it’s cool. Try and tell her it’s not and you’ll be wrong in her eyes, so there.

Meyer—

♥ Family Headcanon:

Family is very, very important to Meyer. He grew up in a family-oriented household; as the second oldest of four siblings, he naturally slipped into the role of helping look after his two younger siblings while also spending time with his older one, and loved spending time with both of his parents as well. His parents, in fact, would often arrange family vacations, board game nights, et cetera to try and spend more time with the kids whenever they were home. Various journeys made this difficult, but letters and phone calls were important. Meyer learned the importance of family quite early on.

So of course, this has transferred to how he treats his own family. When he and Teresa ended up divorcing, it was important to both of them that it be amicable. In fact, while they did attend some couple’s therapy to try and work things out and mediate, both were very attentive to the fact that it had gotten to a point where they just weren’t a good fit anymore, and decided to part ways while it still could be amicable, versus when things had gotten so toxic that they couldn’t even be friends anymore. As such? They still are friends, and this is very, very good with regards to Clemont and Bonnie (and it was really because of Clemont and Bonnie that Meyer and Teresa were so attentive to this; neither one wanted the kids to suffer). Bonnie, fortunately, was only around three at the time, so honestly she was too little to really recognize that her parents were divorcing and that Meyer had moved out. Clemont, on the other hand, was about six, so he was more aware of it and it didn’t make him happy. He understood enough to know that Meyer had moved out, that Meyer and Teresa weren’t going to be married anymore, and from his perspective he took it to mean that Meyer didn’t want to be with them as a family anymore, that he wanted to leave and go do other things because he didn’t love them as much. Meyer assured him this was not the case, as did Teresa, but Clemont was still hurt and standoffish for a while. Meyer gave him space to come to terms with his feelings, and once Clemont realized that Meyer still loved them (and that Meyer and Teresa were still on good terms, both wanted this, et cetera), he came around and was able to have a good relationship with Meyer again. (Meyer, of course, was very grateful, because trust me, that wasn’t easy for Meyer, either.)

In later years, Meyer marries Sycamore and gains a husband, and in so doing he also gains a stepson, Alan. Meyer had actually known Alan for years prior to this point; Sycamore and Meyer were friends back when Sycamore first brought Alan home, and so in a way Meyer has seen Alan grow up, albeit in that sort of neighborly, family friend kind of way prior to the romance blossoming between Sycamore and Meyer. (So, a much spottier version than what Sycamore bore witness to, but nonetheless.) He already had some familiarity with Alan therefore, knew he was a good kid, and that helped him have faith in Alan after the Flare crisis was all said and done. (Like, he didn’t even have a moment of doubt. Sycamore had some trepidation about what Meyer might think at first, and was quite relieved to see that there wasn’t a doubt in Meyer’s mind that Alan was a good—albeit hurting, at the moment—kid.) Teresa has some trepidation about Alan spending time around Clemont and Bonnie—she doesn’t think he’s a bad person, per se, nor does she think that he’s a criminal or intentionally dangerous or anything like that, but she just worries that an accident could happen, you know, she’s just uncertain—but Meyer assures her that Alan is good and that he’ll be careful with Clemont and Bonnie, and she trusts Meyer, so she trusts Alan, too. Even before Alan is his stepson, Meyer takes care to make sure that no one within earshot has misconceptions about him.

(And specifically, the situation with Teresa happens when Meyer goes to pick up Clemont and Bonnie for a visitation weekend, and Bonnie cheerfully says she called Alan to come pick her up, and there’s a moment of surprise before Alan gets there because, well, he had some free time, and Bonnie called him to ask him if he could fly her back on Lizardon, so he agreed. And he’s able to take her with him, but that’s when Teresa and Meyer have a talk because Teresa has trepidation about Bonnie just flying off on a charizard like that, even with the charizard’s trainer right there, because accidents could happen and, well, the Flare crisis was a pretty big accident—but again, things get smoothed over. Clemont chimes in and helps some, too. He knows Alan is a good guy. Teresa doesn’t need to be worried; Bonnie’s safe with Alan.)

Meyer really makes an effort to reach out to Alan, because it’s important to him that Alan knows that he is a welcome part of this family. (He is, as a fic that I’m planning to post on Father’s Day will show, the one who finally clues Sycamore into the fact that he needs to talk to Alan about adoption and, more importantly, actually officially adopt the boy already—in the prime timeline, at least, Meyer is the one who does that.) He doesn’t want Alan to feel left out, or like he can’t be there, and the two of them do get along pretty well. Sycamore, of course, is delighted by this. (Because again, looking above, accepting Alan is a requirement for serious romantic relationships. Ex-boyfriend Lionel learned this the hard way.)

So yes, Meyer is quite family oriented. He cares a lot about the kids and also his husband. And it doesn’t matter that Alan is technically his stepson (or even that Alan isn’t even his stepson yet in, say, To Devour the Sun), because he loves him just the same. Again, he’s part of the family, and once Meyer and Sycamore are married he’s one of the kids. That he’s Meyer’s son by marriage doesn’t matter. Still counts just the same.

#headcanon meme #ryttu3k #these are always like several books long lmao #sorry about that #i just have . . . a lot of headcanons . . .#i haven't decided whether or not alan and/or ayaka remember each other from the summer camp in tsme 1 #but louie def remembers alan #and alan def does not remember louie #in fact he keeps forgetting about him and then just dislikes him again at each new meeting #like it doesn't matter how many new first impressions louie gets #he's just an unlikable person to alan #alas poor louie #you are too pretentious to be tolerated #anyway #professor sycamore #champion alan #my valiant dragon son #trainer manon #meyer

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pattersonvoice-blog · 7 years

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City Council Meeting - 2.8.17

As noted in my first post my goal here is to ask the question. Last night I kept thinking of questions over and over in my head but with some I just never got up the nerve to ask, and with others I didn’t think of until public comment period was over. Here are my overall reactions to the meeting along with what questions or concerns I had: 1. Call to Order.

2. Pledge.

3. Statements of Conflict.

4. Items from the Public:

This was a good section in that many members of the public were present and spoke. This is a sharp contrast to many occasions where there is very little public comment. One of the best items I heard from was the Pop Program that is going to be taking place at the Hammon Senior Center. The idea is a simple program for Dads to share their experiences and guidance. I think it is a wonderful idea and I know how hard it can be from personal experience to be a new father looking for help.

Another item here that I loved was our local Librarian going over many of the programs for kids that our library offers as well as pointing out where the funding for such programs comes from - especially in a climate where certain political groups who have control of government at this time want to consistently defraud science and pull funding for arts and public social works. It is a reminder that what happens on a large scale can still affect us locally.

5. Consent Calendar:

Okay, I am going to admit here that I don’t really understand what this item is. Waive readings of what? All city ordinances? It looks like this is saying that procedurally they are waived the need to read all ordinances and resolutions. Is that really a thing and if so, if this is always waived, then why does it exist at all?

6. Presentation/Action Items:

At this time there was public discussion about who should be selected for the vacant city council. They selected the top 4 people to discuss from the applicants.

When it came time to public comment, the only real excitement there was from Mr. Troy McComak, a former mayoral candidate. Troy seemed a bit irate over multiple facts including that he had received 1/3rd of the vote in the last election and felt that it should have entitled him to the council seat. On top of that he was not happy with the selection process and wanted a special election held.

I don’t know Troy over than seeing him at a couple meetings and what I read on his public record, but he seems to feel he was shafted in some way in this process. I am not sure I agree with his take on this - I do think that maybe a special election would have been more democratic, but it also would have been highly costly with little turn out. If we are honest and pragmatic about the situation, the selection process was probably the simplest path to take.

The only other interesting exchange in this was when Councilman Farinha made comment about one of the applicants, Mr. Larry Buehner, who did not take part in the interview. The councilman seemed to imply that the applicant was not properly informed of the interview, as if on purpose, but then what made it more interested was when Mayor Novelli then attempted to silence Councilman Farinha on this topic stating that it was not the time to bring this forward to which Farinha replied with the fact that he had a right to speak at that time. While I am not one to buy into conspiracy theories and remain a militant skeptic, I did find it odd that the Mayor didn’t seem to want to hear or have heard the Councilman’s comments on this matter.

Now, I don’t know Mr. Buehner but I know what I have read and heard from others about the the man and I if what is written is true, which I believe at least some of it is, then I have no issue with not wanting him on the council. Be that as it may, if someone like Mayor Novelli or any of the council or staff is actively working to keep him off the council in the dark, then that is a concern for the city and the public and does little to inspire trust in our city leaders.

Finally, after comment and discussion, the council chose Mr. Alfred Parham to take the oath and join the council. I don’t know Al well, but I had recently met him at a political action committee meeting group and found him to be charming and wise, so hopefully we will be able to continue working with him and he will prove to be a voice for reason on the city council.

7. Presentation.

8. Public Hearings: 8.1

Okay, so here is where it gets interesting the questions start flowing in my head. The first read and discussion started over a city ordinance (City Ordinance No. 797) pertaining to shopping cart abandonment. The idea here is to inform shops when people report abandoned shopping carts around the city, giving them 24-hours to have them picked up, or else face a penalty unless the shop has either theft deterrent carts (electronic wheel locks) or a contract for cart retrieval from a 3rd party service. The ordinance draft was written by the city attorney as well as the sheriff’s representative to try to solve the problem of abandoned shopping carts left around town.

My first question as someone that lives and drives around town a lot is to ask if this is even a problem? Now, while I do travel a lot in town, I do not spend much time on the south side of town, which I am told from multiple sources in and after the meeting that yes, this is a problem in those areas. Another small concern as someone that does not see this as an issue is simply that one member of the public made comment on it being an eyesore across from his property, which always makes me skeptical as to who drafted the ordinance and for whom’s benefit. Is this an ordinance that is only a concern and crafted by wealthy property owners around town?

Once discussion opened on this topic Councilman McCord brought up the concern about the ordinance and what it was intended to do. One part of the ordinance defines an “abandoned cart” as any cart that is removed from the business premises without prior authorization and then continues to prohibit the removal or possession of an abandoned cart and will give them a citation. This is clearly beyond the scope of what the ordinance is intended to do. If the ordinance, as noted by the Sheriff’s office who helped draft this, is to hold businesses accountable for not retrieving carts and creating a safety hazard, then why are those people with carts being cited? The way this is written faults those that are good samaritans and want to help return carts that have been dumped with a citation. Now, I understand that this is not who they say they are targeting and I am aware that people should not be stealing carts, but this entire definition of “abandoned cart” and the point that those in possession will be cited is overstepping the bounds of what this ordinance does and is intended to do, if that stated intention is honest. I do appreciate Councilman McCord bringing up this point and pushing for it, but there is another issue at play here.

The main issue that I have is that during the discussions which ranged from the wording topic above to issues with who gets cited and how to prove contracts, it comes out that the people writing the ordinance, the sheriff and attorney, never talked to or partnered with the major stores in town to go over this ordinance. They never even reach out to them on them while drafting this. That would never fly in the type of engineering that I do. So many of the questions and concerns raised could already be solved by a local store, they could have some ideas about best practices for their property, or they could have important input as they are the ones that are claimed to be targeted by this ordinance. If you don’t reach out and partner with those affected you could be wasting time, money, and reinventing the wheel on something that may not even be the correct course of action. To me it shows a great failure on such a small issue - something that would have taken very little time or effort on the drafter’s part. If this is how the council and staff treat a simple ordinance, it does make me question a lot. It makes me assume that people want power to implement rules, but don’t want to actually talk to the public and work to implement the will of the people and businesses they claim to represent and lead.

This is the exact question that I should have asked last night. I know it would have ruffled some feathers, but in the end, isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing? Many people are too scared to ask such questions and even I, a person with a lot of stage and speaking experience, still get anxious a bit as well, but it needs to be done. We need to push back.

8. Public Hearings: 8.2

The next items for discussion was a request from City Finance to place a lien on a property based on City Ordinances Nos. 174 and 243, and then opened the floor to public comment. While this is all fine and dandy, there was little information given and as a member of the public I was unaware what these ordinances were for or what/where this lien was for. It makes me question what the point of this public comment period was for. To the defense of the city though, I learned there is a more complete packet available online that they do not print out. This complete packet has more information then the summary packet that they do provide. This is something that I will be paying more attention to in the future.

9. Public Comment/Action Item.

Complete packet: http://pattersonca.iqm2.com/Citizens/FileOpen.aspx?Type=1&ID=1099&Inline=True

In the end - we all need, myself included, to remain vigilant and keep ourselves and our community informed. As noted above, I don’t know if many people know of the complete packet as opposed to the summary agenda. I should make it a point to outreach this information to people beforehand to each meeting along with my own summary notes to be better prepared to ask the necessary and important questions that often times no one from the public or from the council seem willing or able to ask.

This is the first entry into my local Patterson City Council diary.

#patterson city council #patterson ca #california #local politics #mayor novelli #councilman farinha #councilman mccord #councilman parham #councilman naranjo #city ordinance 797 #shopping carts #troy mccomak #larry buehner

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williambrooms · 7 years

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1-100 unusual asks, please

Thank you or the ask and I'm sorry that I took so to reply. This will have to be on two posts, apparently, but I will get them all!1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Pandora because it's the only one that I've ever tried, lol.2. Is your room messy or clean?Messy. I really want it to be clean, but it seems like I never have time.3. What color are your eyes?Hazel.4. Do you like your name? Why?Eeeeeeeeh, depends on which name we're talking about. I hate my birth name with a passion, but I like my real one. As for why... it should be pretty obvious. XD5. What is your relationship status? I hate people who say "it's complicated," but it is. I recently had to cut things off with someone that I wasn't quite dating because it became obvious that she was going to cause my death and, in the process of that, discovered that I might still have feelings for a close friend who helped me through everything while the not quite girlfriend had all of my other friends helping tear into me about what a monster I was for not being happy 24/7.6. Describe your personality in 3 words or less.Hopeless, lonely romantic.7. What color hair do you have?Purple at the moment. I was planning on green next, but... then things changed. I might go blue next. 8. What kind of car do you drive? color?2008 olive green Honda Element.9. Where do you shop?Craft stores, mostly.10. How would you describe your style?Whatever fits, honestly. I'm not picky at all about clothing. 11. Favorite social media accountDespite everything that happened on there, it's still Facebook. 12. What size bed do you have? A queen. I dream of the day that I can have one of those massive, California King beds...13. Any siblings?I have a sister, but she's in an urn, so I don't know if she counts for this question. 14. If you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?Right now it would be Colorado. There's a beautiful woman out there eager to take me in, love me, and help me transition. She's a saint and I can't wait for her to finish school!15. Favorite snapchat filter? I don't use snapchat. 16. Favorite makeup brand(s)Don't use make-up, lol. 17. How many times a week do you shower?Be prepared to be grossed out. Usually about twice a week. Sometimes only once or not at all. 18. Favorite tv show?Snapped. I love listening to the stories of what pushed people to murder. 19. Shoe size?10, sometimes 10.5, it depends on the brand.20. How tall are you?*sighs* A little over six feet...21. Sandals or sneakers? Sneaker all the way! I HATE sandals or any other open toed shoe. 22. Do you go to the gym? I tried for a while, but I think I'm going to cancel my membership and drop the idea. I'm just wasting money.23. Describe your dream dateSnuggling and watching our favourite movies and TV shows together.24. How much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?$21, if you don't count the secret 20s that I stash for emergencies only. 25. What color socks are you wearing? One is red with penguins, the other is white with snowmen.26. How many pillows do you sleep with?Oh geez... a lot, lol. I think about... seven...?27. Do you have a job? What do you do? I do have a job, I work for a credit card company. I decide if companies lose money for their mistakes or not. I LOVE my job. 28. How many friends do you have? Because of how many picked my last ex over me... three... the number used to be way higher and I'm not entirely sure I want to fully count two of those people, but... I guess she was more likable than I was. 29. What's the worst thing you have ever done? Believed that people who knew me for over four years might care if I'm alive or dead...30. What's your favorite candle scent? I remember one called "Midnight Moon" that was really incredible, but I don't know who made it and I haven't seen in since that one candle.31. 3 favorite boy namesThaddeus, William, and Alexander.32. 3 favorite girl namesLynda, Genevieve, and Alexandria.33. Favorite actor? Adam Driver.34. Favorite actress? Meryl Streep.35. Who is your celebrity crush?Adam Driver. He's such a big, sweet, cutie!!36. Favorite movie?Changes often, but at the moment is "This is Where I Leave you."37. Do you read a lot? What's your favorite book?I don't read as much as I used too. Most of what I read now is slash fanfiction, but I could never pick a favourite in that. It's all so good...38. Money or brains? Uuuuuh... in a partner I would want brains because people with brains can usually find money or would be able to support me without it. For myself... I like the brains that I have, I want money.39. Do you have a nickname? What is it? I have a lot of nicknames, lol. My favorite is probably Teddy.40. How many times have you been to the hospital?I don't even know, Man. More times than I would ever want to count. 41. Top 10 favorite songsThis changes a lot, so I'll just give you the top ten most played songs on my iPod. Remedy by Jason Mraz, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, Mr. Brightside by The Killers, Little House by The Fray, Gives You Hell by All-American Rejects, Over My Head by The Fray, Strange Disease by Prozzak, How to Save A Life by The Fray, and For Reasons Unknown by The Killers.42. Do you take any medications daily? Just biotin for now, which is actually a vitamin.43. What is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)My skin is somehow oily and dry at the same time. It's fascinating. 44. What is your biggest fear? That I'll never be loved and my existence on the planet is pointless. I know you're not supposed to determine your worth by relationships and such, but... I'm always afraid that no one actually cares about me and the people that I love are only pretending to like me out of pity. 45. How many kids do you want? None. I don't even want kids near me. Ever. 46. What's your go to hair style?However my hair feels like falling that morning. I'm too lazy for actual styling.47. What type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) I live in a big house because my mother owns the big house. If I picked a house, it would be a little one with a big garden.48. Who is your role model?I don't really have one. I just want to be myself without the fear of being rejected.49. What was the last compliment you received?My friend Lynda called me cute~ *purrs* She does that a lot when we start talking about living together and me getting to snuggle her.50. What was the last text you sent?"Ah, okay. ^ w ^ I figured people were kidnapping the almost birthday girl again~" 51. How old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?I don't remember, I just know that I was still young and most of my classmates still believed for a long time afterwards. I really wish my dad hadn't told me...52. What is your dream car? The car that I have. EV is my baby and I love her.53. Opinion on smoking?People wanting to kill themselves is none of my business unless they ask for help, but I don't hang out with smokers because I can't breathe around them.54. Do you go to college? I want an education and to seek out better jobs, but I want to have my body corrected first, which will be VERY expensive.55. What is your dream job?Professional house pet.56. Would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Rural. I don't like being near other people.57. Do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?Always. It's not even good for my hair most of the time, I just like taking advantage of it. 58. Do you have freckles? Yes, but they're very faint.59. Do you smile for pictures?I don't let people take my picture. The few pictures that have been taken of me are destroyed if I get hold of them. 60. How many pictures do you have on your phone? Oh sweet Satan, probably a thousand... I save every Creek picture that I see and anything that could be used for role-play starters.61. Have you ever peed in the woods? Only once. I nearly peed on another person because it was late at night and I was half asleep. 62. Do you still watch cartoons? Whenever I can, yes. I love cartoons! 63. Do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?McDonald's has my favorite nuggets of all time, though whether they're chicken or not is... debatable at best. 64. Favorite dipping sauce? Either BBQ or honey mustard, depends on my mood.65. What do you wear to bed? Pajama pants and whatever shirt I had on that day. 66. Have you ever won a spelling bee?Kind of? It was just a little classroom game, but I won. 67. What are your hobbies?Writing, role-playing, and casual games. 68. Can you draw? Eh... Kind of. I was a pretty good artist when I was younger, but I haven't drawn much since my high school art class. I did really poorly in it...69. Do you play an instrument?I can kind of play the piano, but not very well.70. What was the last concert you saw?I think it was all the way back when 5FDP was in town, lol.71. Tea or coffee?Coffee. Coffee all the way.72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?Dunkin. Much cheaper and better pastries. 73. Do you want to get married?Eh... I want to be with someone for the rest of my life, but I don't see a point in getting married unless it's for taxes or healthcare. I might marry my friend when I go live with her, though... a job like hers should give good health insurance... 74. What is your crush’s first and last initial?LP75. Are you going to change your last name when you get married? Nope. One legal name change is enough for me. 76. What color looks best on you? Either purple or green. I'm not sure which because no one has ever told me. 77. Do you miss anyone right now? Well... I kind of miss Sarah. I know she didn't really love me, you don't rip someone apart like that when you love them, but now that I'm feeling better I constantly see cute things that I would have tagged her in, but I can't anymore. She's done with me and it's over... I keep having to remind myself of that...78. Do you sleep with your door open or closed?Closed and locked. Ever since my mother made a comment about checking on me at night, I make sure no one can get in. 79. Do you believe in ghosts?Yep. I've even encountered ghosts before.80. What is your biggest pet peeve? When people tell me that I'm not fat. Morbidly obese counts as fat and I HATE being lied to. 81. Last person you calledI avoid phone calls like a plague. It's been a LONG time. I think the last call was my hairdresser...

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thatrandomgirlinthehoody · 4 years

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I can never pinpoint the season, but I remember the warm breeze that drafted from our open windows that morning. I sat on our tarped carpet with my mom next to me. Freshly painted carnation pink surrounded us, and she had begun to craft a landscape along the floorboards. Bright flowers of various warm hues hand-painted lovingly onto the walls of her daughters’ bedroom. In a semi-circle around us sat smaller pods holding shades Mom had let us choose from the nearby hardware store. Ever the artistic child, I had been a willing partner in her painting endeavours.

“Let’s put on a caterpillar” she said. Together we dipped our fingertips into the paint, feeling the cool, elastic texture seep into the grooves before settling, ready for action. Quickly, Mom demonstrated the simple method of creating the body pieces that would create our caterpillar. Upon finishing, she drew small eyes and long antennas to create the bug. More caterpillars, bees, and even dragonflies would be created soon. Our methodology one of relative quiet enjoyment.

As the years pass I forget these moments, only for them to briefly return. In quiet moments between long hours work life melancholy I find escape in these subconscious clips that roll in my head- reminders of what was and what will come, and how we find these brief moments amongst the long haul of existence.

#journal #mine #short #prose #writing #memories #childhood #american

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jockcub1983 · 4 years

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Keeping Your Headspace Healthy

Today, we’re going to discuss our Mental Health; and we’ll be doing so through the context of my own Mental Health. I’ll be sharing some deeply personal things in this open and honest blog about my own mental health journey, before finally addressing how that could affect Headspaces like Pupspace.

Because of the seriousness of this topic, this blog will not be featuring any inserted advertisements, nor will I be featuring various pictures from my Puppy Journey.

Before we dive into the subject, I want to remind everyone that:

It’s OK to NOT be OK (even important sometimes)

If you are, or suspect a friend/family member/relation is experiencing your own difficulties with your mental health, please seek assistance!

There are MANY options available, more than you might think, and they include (but are not limited to):

Your Primary Care Physician The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Your Friends & Family Mental Health Professionals

TRIGGER WARNING

Today’s Blog Entry contains content that some readers may find Triggering.

For a long time, I was NOT OK

That’s not an exaggeration, nor is it a joke. For several years, I have not be “OK.” How did I get here? Well, buckle up because we’re going to take a trip down memory lane.

The first time I remember not being entirely OK, was when my grandfather passed away. I was around 10 years old, and when he died from complications related to leukemia it literally hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember the exact moment I found out he had passed… I was in our basement playing Mario Kart with my friend who lived two doors down; my parents had just returned from “visiting grandpa” at the hospital. One of them, I honestly can’t recall if it was Mom or Dad, walked up behind us. To be honest, I can’t recall the exact words, but the news of Grandpa’s Death was imparted.

In that moment, time stopped and the world went quiet. I can vaguely recall the television screen seeming to become blurry, everything suddenly sounded distant… the SNES controller in my had suddenly felt both incredibly heavy and weightless at the same time… and then my memory cuts off.

I don’t recall what happened next… I don’t recall what happened in the coming days… the next few months, and even the following years, all kind of blur together into a bit of a jumbled mess. But one thing I do know for certain, is the exact moment that I learned of my grandfathers death was the moment my life, my personality, and my world changed.

From that moment on, I became completely serious… I’d forgotten, very suddenly, how to have fun. I became somewhat disconnected from the world. I remember, before this moment in my life, having a lot of friends who I would hang out with regularly. After that, there was only one person who really remained my friend; probably the only one who seemed to not notice that I was suddenly a “very serious” person.

Growing Up Without Finishing Childhood

As I mentioned, when my grandfather passed it changed everything about me… that was literally the moment that my childhood ended. I may have not literally aged overnight, but my mental state completely changed. Before his passing, I was often the weird and often goofy kid who had tons of fun and was always up to something silly. After his passing, I became a completely serious person… so much so that the most common thing I can remember hearing the rest of my young life was: “Why are you always so serious? Relax and try having some fun for a change.”

After that moment, I became inwardly focused and incredibly self conscious. I approached everything in life with the utmost seriousness… which was often frustrating because Adults don’t tend to take people that young seriously. The end result was a transition; I went from being a care-free extroverted kid to being a quiet, shy, introverted and ultimately insecure person.

For the next several years I threw myself into reading science fiction books, almost exclusively Start Wars books, and working as hard as I knew how towards one day becoming a filmmaker. I approached everything so seriously, without any concept of fun being a part of the experience, and I found myself a loaner throughout most of the rest of my young life. I had a few friends, most of whom I would only see during the school year… and a majority of my time was spent either in introspection or trying to logically dream up ideas for movies.

During those years, with all of that introspection I often imagined what my future life would be like. I knew at the time that I was different; but I didn’t yet know what it was that made me feel that way. Ultimately, I would come to accept the idea that I would never find someone to share a life with; and would live out my life alone, with only my mind and creativity to keep me company.

An Incredibly Challenging Year

Many years later, I found that my incredibly serious approach to life had yielded results. I owned my own business with my father, I owned a house with my Partner (soon to be Husband), and I had been feeling happy and good for a number of years. I felt like I was at the top of my game, and I was ready to take on the world.

The business my father and I owned together was a family affair. I ran almost all of the aspects of the business. My father, an accountant by trade, took care of our accounting needs., my mother, not to be left out, did some of the bookkeeping, my Husband would come in to help clean and would also help choose some of our products, and I partnered with my brother in-law’s online reputation management company. It was a slick, and very successful operation. However, there was one rather sticky downside.

At that time, in 2014, we were operating as a dealership for a national brand. The way things were in our existing contract, things were pretty smooth… however, in the next contract there were a number of changes that made it unfavorable for us to continue working with them as a dealership. We faced a decision, to either:

sign a contract that would change our operation from a dealership to a franchise (it’s all about who owns the intellectual property of the location) with no exchange of money OR

re-brand our store and try to make our own way in the world.

Having a great deal of experience in our industry prior to owning our store, and having good relationships with competing brands already; we felt prepared to take on the world and try to make our own way. Unfortunately for us, the one thing we lacked to pull that off was a larger bank account.

In the end, while we did actually experience growth and success in our first year on our own; we were saddled with a space designed to support a much higher sales volume and we had to choose between sinking more money into the business to keep it afloat (which may never be repaid) or to cut our losses and close the business.

This all sounds pretty straight forward… but, that’s just the bare facts. Let’s take a stroll through what actually happened during the year, that final year of our retail location being open; because this is the year when my carefully constructed mental balance would be completely shattered, taking blows repeatedly throughout the year.

It started in March… the previous we had successfully converted the format of our store in 48 hours from our dealership to our new brand; including changing out all of our products and giving the retail store a face-lift with a fresh coat of paint. No small feat, for a small single location retail shop to accomplish; but a victory non-the-less. March was to be our grand opening, following a soft open for the month of February as the rest of our new products continued to filter in.

We sank quite a bit of money into the marketing for our Grand Opening event… and the unfortunate truth was that only 2 people showed up to the event… and they showed up together. It’s hard to describe the gut-wrenching feeling of having sunk 10 times your normal marketing budget into an event, only to see patronage collapse around you; despite hundreds of hours of work being poured into crafting the marketing and getting the word out.

At that moment… I was both dismayed and invigorated to continue doing more to grow the business and get back on our feet. However, my body had other plans. Within two weeks of that grand opening, I got to have my first experience with shingles… and while I’ve had a great deal of experience with pain (we can discuss my battle with Crohns Disease another time), this was a new and wholly uniquely excruciating pain to experience.

Initially, my Shingles was misdiagnosed as a staph infection… honestly, the doctor at the walk-in debated between the two and told me if it wasn’t better by Tuesday to come back in… well, on Tuesday morning I woke up, still in pain. I was planning to go into the clinic to get seen again, however, my day was just about to get frightening.

When I get up, around 6 am typically, I make the coffee and get things ready while my husband get’s ready to head to work. Well, I made coffee and poured myself a cup (as per usual)… and promptly manged to spill hot coffee all down my front when I went to take a sip. Of course, my first reaction was to curse and grumble and wipe myself off… before going in for another sip. My second sip, however, was fated to be the same as my first… and I poured hot coffee all down my front again.

Furious, I cursed up a storm and wiped myself off. My husband, curious what the yelling was about, came out to see what was up and when I told him I thought my cup might have a crack, he asked me what was wrong with my eye.

Now… I didn’t have any indication from my perspective that anything was wrong… I was still pretty sleep-groggy, but I didn’t notice any impact to my vision, nor any other odd feelings in my face. However, when I made my way to the bathroom mirror, the sight I saw in the mirror made my heart skip a beat… I literally looked like I’d had a stroke. The right half of my face had gone completely numb… I couldn’t feel it when I touched it, my eye wouldn’t blink properly, I couldn’t control any motor function on the right side of my face… when I smiled, only the left side would turn up… I couldn’t raise my eyebrow… and suddenly I was very, very scared.

My sister was a nurse at the time… so I immediately snapped a selfie and texted it to her. Her response was: “GO TO THE ER NOW”… followed by instructions to go to the ER at the hospital she worked at, and that she’d already alerted the check-in counter to expect me.

Well… to skip ahead a bit, it turns out that I did indeed have shingles (not staph) and that I had also experienced a Bells Palsy… a condition that typically causes partial paralysis in the face. For me, it was the right half of my face. I was told that recovery varied from person to person… and that I could expect it to improve but there was no way to know if I would get 100% of my motor function back.

Well… this took a heavy blow on me. I started to immediately notice that customers would stare at me, as if I was some kind of monster… probably wondering “what the hell happened to that guy.” This long road to recovery, 6 months in all, and not a full recovery (most people can’t tell, but I’m acutely aware of when my face is being “lazy”)… it all took a massive toll on my mental state. I was shattered… I felt my self confidence, a feature I had previously taken for granted, was completely eroded and I began to question everything.

As the year wore on, business began to improve at a glacial pace and that brought a new stress looming on the horizon: lay-offs. Soon, I wouldn’t be able to continue paying my staff. So, I sat them down one at a time and explained what might be coming, if things didn’t drastically improve, and that they should start looking for other options. I didn’t want to blindside them… and ultimately I did have to lay off my Assistant Manager; and reduce my part timers hours for the remainder of the year before my shop would be staffed by just me, myself and I.

Watching the business crumble around me, despite working harder than I had ever worked in my life… bringing to bear every asset I could; exercising every option from social media to distributing flyers. And despite the successes we had, growth just wouldn’t come fast enough and we would ultimately decide to close the business.

But wait… it’s about to get much, much worse.

That fall, my husband would loose his mother to cancer. This was an incredibly emotional moment in our life… and the loss of his mother took what was already a bad year and created a whole new level of bad. To add to the stress and grief of this moment; we also absorbed a significant financial burden… we found ourselves in the mid-west with his family, and the options were to either give her to the state or to fork over thousands of dollars for a cremation (burial was even more).

To us… there was obviously only one option, and that was to find the money and pay the bills. There was no way were were turning his mother over to the state. At that particular moment; though business was bad, I still believed that ultimately things would get better and we would just keep going… I remember saying: “We can always make more money.” Altogether, not an untrue statement… but life wasn’t done hammering at us that year.

Just two months later, my father and I met and decided to close our business. Within two months of that decision, I had found a tenant business to sublet our retail space to, held a closing sale, moved all of our remaining inventory into storage, and opened an eBay business to continue clearing our merchandise. Our plan was… to reduce our monthly business expenses as best we could while also increasing our sales for as long as we had inventory left… and all the while I would be hunting for my next career opportunity.

Honestly, that worked amazingly! It was quite a success selling on eBay… we even produced enough revenue for the next 18 months to pay my salary in full. However, the job hunt, well… that was another story.

Job Hunting… Feels “Really Good”

Having over a decade of successful retail management on my resume, with data and numbers to back up significant gains in business during a down economy; I felt confident that finding my next opportunity wouldn’t pose too much of a problem. Especially with all of my industry contacts, and good relations with those contacts.

However, that just wouldn’t be the case…and after 20 months of hunting, applying for thousands of positions… all I had to show for my hunt was two interviews; one legitimate and the other a complete scam. Yeah, a scam… I don’t consider being recruited as a “consultant” and then pitched a pyramid scheme selling magazines door-to-door to be a “legitimate” interview of any kind… but, that happened.

Ultimately… despite having family friends working in recruiting at Amazon, and a vast network of contacts from my years in retail… I found myself unable to get an interview for anything ranging from a Entry-Level Sales/Cashier position all the way up to an Area Manager; nor could I find work on the manufacturing side as a Territory Sales Representative.

I applied for so many positions… At first focusing on jobs I knew I was qualified for… and ultimately expanding that to everything under-the-sun from jobs I was insanely “over-qualified” for to jobs I was equally insanely “under-qualified” for… and my phone just wouldn’t ring.

After almost two years of this, my Brother In-Law came to me one day and offered me an opportunity to work with him at his Reputation Management Company. So I eagerly jumped in and started doing my best to sell his product and support his existing book of clients. It was a fun job, and I really enjoyed my time with him, however, after a few months I figured out that his company just wasn’t quite ready to afford a full-time employee; and it wouldn’t be for several years… It just wasn’t responsible of me to continue taking money from him, that he and my sister really needed themselves.

So, back on the hunt I went… and I found myself being pitched an opportunity that sounded fantastic! Training and licensing provided, expectation to be earning 6 figures within 5 years, mentor-ship and ongoing training with the goal of moving me into owning my own agency… that’s right, I was pitched a gig as an insurance agent.

The pitch, on paper, sounded great! I went over it with my husband, my parents, even friends and people I knew in the Insurance Industry… they all agreed, it sounded like a great opportunity. So, I dove in… and immediately there-after lost one of my two Grandmothers. Her passing wasn’t a complete surprise, she’d had a rapid decline over the course of the previous two years; but it was another difficult loss to take.

The insurance gig though… well… to make this long story short, I spent a year spinning my tires and going nowhere. It turns out, all of those excellent buzz-words in the pitch, were completely untrue. Their idea of mentor-ship was to stick you in a phone-pit and if you had a question to say: “Um, I’m not sure, why don’t you call agent services about that.”

Things Are About to Get Complicated

During this year, from starting and stopping working for my brother, and beginning a venture into insurance sales; I also found a very magical new thing in my life… I found my way to Puppy Play, and began in earnest, a journey into my various Kinks and Fetishes.

Towards the end of that year, I found myself nominated (barely 8 months into becoming a Pup) for the Board of Directors of SEA-PAH. Now… I’ll have a lot more to share about my experience in community service in a future blog, however, I will be including a bit about that in this one as well… because it definitely had an impact on my mental health.

Up until this point, my experience in Puppy Play and Kink had been incredibly positive (for the most part)… and I was excited to be taking on a new challenge. I spoke with my husband and my (at the time) Alpha, and decided to accept the nomination and run for a board seat.

At the beginning of the next year I found myself elected to the Board of Directors, and serving in an officers role as Secretary. This started off pretty great, however, just 3 months into my two year term my last living grandparent, my grandmother, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Unlike my other grandmother, this one had been very healthy and active; her mind remained sharp and she lived an active life.

This death, threw my entire life into chaos. I spent the next two months, driving back & forth from Seattle to Boise, helping my father to take care of his late mothers home and possessions. It was incredibly surreal… all that traveling… my life felt like it was suddenly in limbo… and like my grandfathers passing, I never had an opportunity to say goodbye.

During this time, the Insurance gig really just fell apart. I had spent more money than I made, trying to be an insurance agent… and with nothing to show for it, and I found myself thinking of other opportunities for myself during my 8 hour drives (each way) back and forth between Seattle and Boise. This would lead to a return to school for me… going back to college and moving into a new career path.

All of this, though, was going on while I was also on the Board of Directors of SEA-PAH… helping the other Directors to put on monthly events for a membership which, at last count, numbered in excess of 250 members… and launching and growing my own brand as Farrstrider, and continuing to grow the various outlets of my content creation to include a YouTube channel, a blog and a Podcast.

You could say I was stretched thin… and that would be accurate. In the fall, was the Camp K9 event that everyone looked forward to each year. One of SEA-PAH’s biggest annual events; and luckily the Board of Directors didn’t seem to need much assistance from me at the event, so I got to mostly just try and enjoy myself. And although I did have some good times there… if you read my previous blog “There and Back Again - The Abyss of Depression”, you know that ultimately I experienced a mental break down that weekend… my headspace shattered and broke; but the year wasn’t done throwing punches just yet.

In December, on the heels of the end of my first quarter back in school, my Alpha and I came to a mutual agreement to end both our romantic relationship and our formal relationship as Alpha and Pup. We simply found that we were in two different places, and that our wants and needs weren’t as compatible as we’d once though. We do remain friends, and he will always be my Alpha… as I told him: Much in the same way that your Parents will always be your Parents.

Though this was a mutual decision, it didn’t make that moment any less impact-full. Throughout all of this, up to this point in time, moving into 2019; I felt that I had become good at self-management of my own headspace and mental health.

In hindsight, I wasn’t doing a good job of self-managing my mental health. I was in a cycle of ups and downs where the swings were becoming bigger and bigger… shortly lived higher highs, and ever lengthening lower lows.

Overwhelmed

In the beginning of 2019, I reluctantly accepted the position of President on the Board of Directors of SEA-PAH. As I said before, I’ll have a lot more to say on this in another blog at a later date. However, I feel it’s important to note just why I was so reluctant… as it’s deeply entangled with our exploration of Mental Health.

Going into 2019, I already felt like I had hit my limits and moved past them on multiple occasions the previous year… the death of my last living grandparent, a complete shattering of my headspace, and the dissolution of a big part of my relationship to my Alpha. I knew I was at my wits end, that I was already grasping at straws… however, I also felt an unstated pressure to step up; an unspoken demand for my service. So it was, that I reluctantly accepted the Presidents position for the year ahead.

At the time, I rationalized that I had an incredible team of Directors to work with, some of whom were already very close friends, others I hoped to become closer with throughout the year. However, 2019 wasn’t going to pull any punches, and boy did it come out swinging HARD!

The first situation I would face involved the forced cancellation of a large ticketed event due to the Seattle “Snowpocalypse” in February. Thankfully, I had a LOT of help from the other directors… however, internally my anxiety meter began to build.

Next, came negotiating a deal with the venue for Camp K9… and to say that those negotiations fell apart over the course of 3 months would be putting it lightly. But that’s exactly what happened… and I became the President without a Camp K9. That whole 3 months was so frustrating… all that work, my work, work by many others on the board and in the community… all with no pay-off; not to mention some online toxicity around the cancellation just added to the anxiety over everything.

Following the cancellation of the Camp event… my anxiety was at a peak, and it would stay there for the rest of the year; though, at the time I didn’t recognize it for what it was. Over the next few months, I felt as though I was struggling to get any club work done; and also was increasingly busy with school as my classes began to cover more complex topics.

By the end of December… I finally realized I had a serious problem. I was so deep in a depression that it felt like everything in my life was collapsing around me. I even felt like my relationships with my husband and my brother were coming apart… and in my head an incredibly nasty feedback loop kept feeding that… pushing me deeper into the depression and altered sense of reality.

It was one of the darkest times of my life… in hindsight, all of 2019 was an incredibly dark time for me; but that was about to change. I was at a point where I knew that my perception of my reality was not congruent with the actual reality I was living in.

Sharing Helps

In early January, I happened to be up incredibly late one night… I’d been having an increasing difficult time sleeping, and the lack of sleep was really only making it worse. Anyhow, on this one particular night a close friend of mine was also up and we were chatting… but something seemed off, and me being me I asked if he was OK.

The incredibly amazing thing that happened, is that he opened up and shared with me the struggles he’d been having. The conversation evolved from there and became a full blown discussion about both of our mental states. I shared things with him that I hadn’t yet shared with my partners… the weight of the idea of sharing it with either of them just felt crushing, at that time.

During the course of our discussion, he mentioned that his PCP (Primary Care Physician) had proscribed him an anti-depressant to help… and my mouth literally fell open at home. You see… we have the same doctor (a lot of my friends have the same doctor as me). I had no idea that my PCP was someone I could discuss my mental health with… I thought my only option would be to see a therapist/psychiatrist.

I feel it’s important to note… I don’t specifically have anything against Therapists & Psychologists; I have the utmost respect for them and what they do. I also have plans to seek ongoing care with a Mental Health professional in the future… however, at this particular time, I simply can’t afford the co-pay to seek this care when I’ll be having appointments multiple times a month, or even multiple times a week; I need to be in a better financial place before I add this to my Personal Care Routine.

Following this conversation, I made a couple of commitments to myself. For one, I was gong to speak to my doctor in the coming week about my Mental Health and the challenges I’d been shouldering. Secondly, I was going to speak with my partners about those challenges I’d been quietly facing. Finally, I would also commit to being open to the advice from my Doctor, because I was finally ready to admit that I needed some help.

Accountability Is Important

In the days just before my appointment, I worked up enough courage to finally speak to my Brother about how I’d been feeling. I wasn’t able to get together with him in person, but I made a point of bringing it up to him in chat.

Now, I know a lot of you might be wondering why I went to my Brother before speaking with my Husband… and honestly, I wanted to talk to him but I just felt so much anxiety about admitting any of this to him… this is how out-of-sorts my perception of reality and actual reality were at the time… fueled by anxiety and depression.

I also recognized that I needed to make myself accountable to someone important in my life before my appointment; because it would give me a solid reason to not “forget” to bring it up to my Doctor, or chicken out. Holding myself accountable by sharing this, was an important step for me to take for myself.

So… First I spoke with my Brother; and he showed me exactly what an incredible man he is. Supportive, Understanding, and Patient… it was hard, much harder than I thought it would be, to even get my fingers to type… to share my story and express my pain. But, the important thing was that I did it!

I had intended, to talk to my husband before my Doctor Appointment… however, I I just couldn’t seem to get the words out. I tried, several times… though, he would never know; because I just couldn’t get the words to come out of my mouth.

Finally, my regular PrEP check-up appointment came. I was nervous, but determined, to have an open conversation about the challenges I’d been having. I’d also spent the previous couple of days trying to introspect my way to some form of root cause… attempting to sort out the emotional feelings of the depression I was in to see if I could identify a driving factor; and in my case, I felt I had narrowed it down to anxiety.

Anxiety Is Driving

Before the story continues, I want to share more about how Anxiety was impacting me; how it was even driving my depression. Because, realizing that Anxiety was a part of what I was dealing with was something that just hadn’t occurred to me before this moment.

In the course of my life I had a number of situations, in hindsight, where the mental and emotional impact of that situation was exacerbated by anxiety. However, it never once occurred to me that anxiety was even a part of things. I honestly didn’t really know anything about anxiety… my only education about anxiety being driven by ridiculous drug commercials. The way it would be explained in those ads, just never even remotely felt as though it was connected to the way I felt anxiety.

For me, it starts in my gut… that sensation of the “pit of your stomach,” as it’s been put to me before. Just a weight, and a tightening… like waiting for the next bad thing to happen. From there, it would eventually move to my chest. But, it wouldn’t feel like a heart attack… at least, not the way I’d heard it described. I didn’t feel as though I had an elephant on my chest (the most common description I’d ever heard).

When it would move into my chest… it felt like heart-break. It was emotional… waves of emotional pain would radiate out from my chest, and during the more poignant anxiety attacks I would even feel as though I was in physical pain. When one of these episodes would take full hold, I would often feel as though I couldn’t catch my breath… however, again… not in the way a heart-attack is described (which is also how I’d heard Anxiety Attacks described)… just, so emotional that it was hard to catch my breath.

From my chest… and always not far behind… it would also take hold in my head. My headspace would come crashing down into a bottomless abyss of darkness. My mind would begin manufacturing horrible scenarios and thoughts; which in turn would feed back into the emotional pain radiating from my chest, and bounce back into my head to feed the depression machine in a powerful negative feedback loop.

All of this would build exponentially… and while it is difficult to truly describe just how painful it was; emotionally, mentally, and physically. I can describe, however, the mental image I would often have in these moments… because it was always the same image, and worked in the same way.

It would feel, at first, almost like falling… like one of those dreams you wake up from where you’re falling and then it feels like you jump awake before you hit bottom; except, this fall never ended. It just kept going… and all around me, everything would become dark.

Often, in my mental picture, I would look what felt like “up”… and see just the tiniest speck of light. This is why I’ve previously described this as an abyss… it’s how I imagine it would be like to fall deep into a well… an abyss of depression.

Inside this abyss… there were no ladders, only negative thoughts manifesting on repeat. A few times, when it got really really bad, the darkness seemed to be complete; even if I looked “up” I couldn’t identify any hint of a light… and finding a way out of the abyss would seem hopeless.

Help Is There For Those Who Seek It

So, there I was on the day of my appointment. My PrEP appointments were always generally quick… I always elect to test all my sites: blood draw, butt & throat swab, piss. But generally, there isn’t much for me and my doctor to discuss… he knows I’m a big‘ol slutty pup and as a gay man himself he’s incredibly supportive of his patients.

Our appointment began as usual, but when he asked if there was anything else to discuss; I took the plunge and told him that I wanted to discuss my mental health. I could tell he wasn’t expecting that, after years of appointments this was the first time I had something else to discuss; but at the same time he simply laid out that we should get our swabs and blood draws done and then sit back down for a discussion.

When it came time to discuss my mental health… I laid out the general problems I’d been having. The depression, anxiety, and the fact that there were days where I felt so crippled by it all that I literally couldn’t do much more than sit on the couch and watch YouTube.

Mind you, I enjoy YouTube… but I wasn’t watching for enjoyment so much as I just couldn’t get motivated to even get off the couch or do the things that I needed to be doing. It was affecting my school work, it was affecting my ability to function in every day life, and it wasn’t a healthy way to be.

We discussed how my depression and anxiety were affecting me, what I felt was the driving feeling; which I identified as believing that my Anxiety was the root of the problem driving the other issues. We also discussed a long term plan for mental health, seeing a counselor of some kind; but he was also very understanding of the issue of co-pay when I described our current financial situation and how that co-pay would quickly add up. I also agreed that I would seek counseling when that financial situation changes; and I will do exactly that.

After discussing things for a while, he suggested that I could try an anti-depressant. Now, I’m not personally a fan of altering brain chemistry unless it’s absolutely necessary… but I honestly needed some help. Brain chemistry altering drugs, are neither a cure nor a universal treatment… every ones chemistry is different; and each drug will affect each person in their own unique way… it’s also not something that takes immediate effect; these drugs need to build up in your system before they can have a consistent and lasting effect.

We selected a drug, Sertraline (the active drug in Zoloft), as a starting point. The plan would be to take that for a month, and have a follow-up visit to see where I was at after that month; one month should have been enough to notice some kind of change. Overall, I was nervous about taking a new medication like this; but I also felt a massive weight lifted to have had that conversation with my Doctor… and relief that there was something I could do that just might help.

The first step, other than beginning to take my medication, was going to be to have a discussion with my husband about all of this. Now, I wish I could say I went right home and we had a full on discussion right away; but, it took me over a week before I was able to discuss it with him. I still feel bad about that… because when I did finally have that discussion all that anxiety I’d built up in my head about talking to him about it; just kinda vanished. I felt dumb, having kept that from him for so long… but relieved, loved, and happy to have finally opened up to him.

Four Weeks

I picked up my proscription on a Thursday… however, the weekend ahead was going to be a busy and very important weekend; and I didn’t want to risk starting an anti-depressant unless I knew exactly how it would affect me… so, out of an abundance of caution I elected to wait and begin my medication the following Monday.

What, you might be wondering, was going on that weekend? Well, that weekend marked the end of my two year term servicing on the Board of Directors of SEA-PAH. With everything that had happened during the course of the past year, all the intense drama; I was honestly looking forward to taking off my Directors Pin and passing the torch. Well, the weekend came, and went… and I actually did feel as though an incredible weight was lifted off of my shoulders following the conclusion of my term.

On Monday I began taking my medication; and as expected I really didn’t feel any different that week. However, I did have one unexpected thing happen that week. A good friend and play buddy of mine reached out and we began catching up. It turns out, he’d been dealing with a lot of depression lately as well, and had also just started taking the same medication. This would become a new topic for us to share in, and in a way it was like having a medication buddy; someone to compare notes with who was going through something similar.

The next week, I didn’t really notice anything during the week either. However, in the third week I found myself having a depressed day.. but this is also when I noticed something was different. I felt the anxiety starting to build… but it didn’t take hold quite the way it used to; it felt, disconnected from me. It was almost like a tangible object… I could imagine the anxiety as a thing, that I could grab, and examine; and then discard. The effect of the medication I was noticing, was that it had broken the feedback loop before I was pushed into the abyss.

After the fourth week, I had my check-up with my Doctor and we discussed how I’d been feeling, and how I’d noticed in the last two weeks that my anxiety both seemed reduced as well as less potent. On that visit, we decided that this was going to be a good way forward, to help in managing the anxiety for some time; and we also discussed a time when we might try stopping the medication.

In the year ahead I’ll be expecting to finish school and start a new job in a new career… a lot of change, and a lot of potential to trigger high anxiety. Further, my doctor doesn’t recommend stopping anti-depressants during the winter months, as those patients hes had who do that during the winter typically have a rough time during the colder darker months where SAD (Seasonal Affect Disorder) tends to rear it’s head in the Pacific Northwest.

We’ve set out a plan though… I’ll be continuing the Sertraline for the rest of this year, and into the spring of next year. By that time, I hope to be working in a stable new career and in a financial situation that will allow me to seek (or have already sought) counseling to continue working on my mental health and well being.

A little note about Anti-Depressants: These drugs are not a “cure-all” treatment… they’re more like a band-aid. They can help someone overcome a situation but they do not “fix” the problem(s). In my case… my anxiety had become crippling, and it was only getting worse, and the anti-depressant I began taking has curtailed my anxiety. Do I still get depressed? Yes, of course! Do I still have anxiety? Yes, absolutely! What’s the point of the anti-depressant then? The point of the anti-depressant is to give the power over my mental emotional state back to my conscious self.

Feeling sad, depressed, and anxious aren’t entirely bad things. Nobody should be happy 100% of the time, that’s juts not realistic or reasonable. Depression, Sadness, and Anxiety all have roles to play in your mental health; the movie “Inside Out” hit the nail on the head with this, by making the Sadness character an unexpected hero. It’s important though, to not let any one feeling dominate your headspace… feeling a range of emotion is what keeps us healthy and gives meaning to moments in life; both the good and the bad.

Keeping Your Headspace Healthy

We’ve discussed a lot about my personal journey through Anxiety and Depression, but we haven’t yet discussed how this relates to Headspaces like Pupspace. So, let’s dive into the subject; as always from my perspective and through my eyes as a Human Puppy.

I’ve seen a lot of posts circulating the internet, where people describe Puppy Play as something that helped them with their depression. I’ve seen it suggested as a means for managing and even treating depression.

Now, I’m obviously not a medical professional of any sort… but there just may be a nugget of truth in those claims. In my experience, engaging in Puppy Play and achieving Puppy Headspace, has had an overwhelmingly positive affect on my mental state. The release of endorphins and adrenaline from achieving this, has absolutely elevated my mood; and I’ve heard the same from many other Pups (and other kinksters) as well.

HOWEVER

Puppy Play, or any Kink for that matter, should NEVER be the ONLY thing you do to manage your overall mental health. Relying on only this one outlet to be your “magical wonder cure” for your mental and emotional well being is problematic at best. Putting all of your proverbial eggs into just one basket, is like smoking a cigarette next to a gas pump. All it takes is one incident, before the entire thing explodes in your face.

Puppy Play, and engaging in Kink play, may very well offer a great deal of benefits to ones mental health. The free expression of oneself, both sexually and non-sexually, is absolutely important to your well being. However, you should also be diversifying that mental health portfolio.

Speak up and share with your friends and family; they’re on your side, and sharing with them is the first step in feeling that support. Speaking openly and honestly with your doctor and/or therapist is also important; their entire profession is literally to help you maintain your physical and mental health… take advantage of that!

For me, while I have always had a very positive experience resulting from time spent in Pupspace; that headspace is also something I aggressively protect. You see… that mental state is so important to me that I don’t want to risk polluting it with negativity; something that I seem to observe in some people online.

I can’t count, how many times I’ve seen a Pup post about changing their name because the previous name had too many bad things associated with it… often bad memories and situations. Seeing those comments and stories, made me want to protect Farrstrider to the best of my ability.

To that end, when I have been experiencing a great deal of anxiety or depression, I tend not to engage my headspace. I’ve even gone so far as to avoid wearing my Pup Hood during some of these moments; particularly as I attach so much of my headspace and identity as Farrstrider to the sacred representation of my hood… my pup face.

In 2019, for example, as that year seemed to be a constant and exponential progression of increasing anxiety and lengthening depression; I barely wore my hood at all; and I very rarely even approached engaging my Pupspace. Even in the midst of what I had yet to admit was a problem I needed help with… I knew deep deep down that it was something I didn’t want to expose, or pollute, my Pupspace with.

In 2018, I had experienced a moment where my headspace was absolutely polluted… the aforementioned blog “There and Back Again - The Abyss of Depression” chronicles a moment when, in the middle of more headspace than I realized I was experincing; my mental health snapped and all of that anxiety and depression seeped into my Pupspace… invading that safe mental space and polluting it. It took time for me to recover from that, and be able to approach my Pupspace without being transported back into that moment; but that experience is also why I so aggressively protected it during the course of the following year.

All of that said; I found my light at the end of the tunnel. I spoke up… first to a friend who had shared his struggles with me; then to my partners and my doctor… next I shared with more friends… and finally, here I am opening up and sharing this journey with all of you.

Since opening up, and taking the scary step of discussing my mental health with my partners, doctor, and friends; I’ve found my regular mental health to be much improved. The continuing effect of the anti-depressant (Sertraline) I’m on has helped me to regain control of my mental state and move past moments of anxiety and depression; instead of being sucked into that metaphorical abyss.

In closing, I want to bring it back to where we started and remind everyone that:

It’s OK to NOT be OK (it’s even kinda important sometimes)

If you are, or suspect a friend/family member/relation is experiencing your own difficulties with your mental health, please seek assistance!

There are MANY options available, more than you might think, and they include (but are not limited to):

Your Primary Care Physician The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Your Friends & Family Mental Health Professionals

Much love and many wags ~ Farrstrider

#Farrstrider #mental health #headspace #pupspace #wellbeing #helth

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