#And I’ve also been sick for days bc I haven’t been able to eat | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bernardisgross · 1 year

Text

Warning for : tca, eating disorder, depression

this is just a block of babbling

Today i chopped lots of veggies to freeze and cook later ! I’m exhausted rn but so happy ^^ ! I had a bit of extra money this month thanks to my employer being scared of gov retribution and finally giving us our yearly bonus ^^ so i went out several times this week to buy lots of food !!! Yesterday was such a nice day i went downtown with my cart and walked for three hours from one shop to the other then back home to get special imported groceries i can’t find near me. I’m planning on doing some meal prep again ! wow ... haven’t doing that in a long while ! I used to do that a lot in uni (back then i was unemployed and i got so extra careful with groceries when i started living in dorms which lasted for humm ?? 4 years ??) and especially when i was living in japan. I was EXTRA super poor back then so i had all these pre-portioned stuff i had cooked myself in the freezer (thank goodness i had a freezer in my dorm room °_°) and thanks to that i could get a meal a day. But i was also eating the same chicken/kimchi/veggies/shirataki/rice meal everyday. I got so tiiiired of the prepping and eating the same thing when i came home, i couldn’t do that anymore ! It’s been four-five years and i’m still feeling sick from the “idea” of being limited in what i can eat.

I got sick twice this month and i totally know it’s because my body’s weak from overworking myself with work/shop/work/commission/event, lack of sleep and not eating well enough. Well ! can’t go back in time ! This weekend i went to work feeling so bad and everybody could see how pathetic i was haha but they were all nice so it’s ok! glad i didn’t miss (*is poor*). Anyways, twice is too much u_u *big sigh* so i’ll be more careful in the future ! Can’t say i’ll eat well everyday but next shop opening or something, i’ll be sure to plan nutritious stuff in advance !

Because the problem here is mainly that i don’t wanna cook nor plan groceries :/ . Oh i still have an appetite, i don’t think i can get rid of it LOL it’s in my genes at this point to love food and love eating ! i just don’t feel like doing it anymore and i have a very convenient supermarket right round the corner of my street so °_° .. just picking what i feel like eating when i do even if it’s not a proper meal ! I’ve had a sandwich phase recently, i ate so many of the pre-made disgusting sandwiches TOT !!!!!!!! i don’t like ready-made stuff but boy was i eating these sandwiches !!! so convenient, didn’t take me any time ! I’ve grown tired of them thank goodness ...

I talked with a friend and coworker who’s pretty much going through the same and it’s nice to have someone else near who you can mention it to bc it can easily put you in a tight spot, ppl (and i include myself) are often quick to worry and thus chastise you for bad “habits”. I know it’s out of love but it’s tiring nonetheless. It’s nice to have someone understand it’s not a habit and that whatever you’re eating it’s ok, as long as you’re eating !!!!! That’s the 1st step and it’s great !

Something else is that i eat very differently from what i used to ! i still eat meat and fish but only cook fish from time to time. I only eat meat if i eat from a restaurant (or if i buy disgusting triangle sandwiches 🙄), i don’t wanna cook it anymore. Trying to stop eating it completely but i know it takes time and i do have a “weak” body. So all that to say that everything i’m used to cook (and i used to looove cooking for myself) well .. is kinda out of the party now huh... it’s not hard to make the same dishes without the meat though, but sometimes i’m really like :I ok .. something’s amiss but i don’t have like.. tofu in the fridge. ALSO i’m a lazy person ;9 and i don’t like inconveniences

also food is hella expensive.... bro..... the corpos... they’re out of control.......... the price of things in the stores .. °_° bro.. u ok ??? they really said “then, starve”

Also wanna mention i’m only able to think about this and actually putting in the work in gathering ingredients etc bc i’m not doing anything else. Like, this is the moment, it’s now or never ! I’m in a slow period with work so i’m just .. well doing nothing (RESTING!!!!) which allows me to actually try to cook ! Also mentioning that i’ve still been eating random stuff during that last few days of hunting and gathering HAHAHA (bread...bo-bun from the shop, apples, bananas, bro i can’t even remember what i ate on monday and tuesday ?????) so .. prepping’s great but let’s see if i actually take stuff out of the freezer and heat them ;9

une affaire... à suivre 😎

#all is well dw !!!!#nanabim

10 notes · View notes

barnabyseyelashes · 1 year

Text

crewmate’s log

life (?) update

been writing this for a while mentally i guess. really good at just thinking things and not doing them. but an update bc i know i’ve been absent; for some of you longer than others, and i do regret and am sorry for that. i do love and care about you and think about you all even when i am gone, and i hope everyone has been holding on.

i feel like i’m one of the maquis adrift on the voyager, and it has been a long, lonely hard travel. and unfortunately often i feel like a worse person for it.

general c/tw for illness/covid/cancer, IPV, parental death. it is kinda long so feel free to skim/skip as needed.

my spouse and i have very little IRL support, we have been paying over $4k usd a month on rent alone, my mom and sister are the only family i’ve spoken to since december. spouse working full time in thankfully a better job with a shorter commute but having to care full time for me & our elderly ill cat when at home.

and this is probably the sickest i’ve ever been in my life which is saying a lot, considering ive been poisoned by toxic black mold before & have dealt with literally crippling stomach issues previous. ever since november everything has been happening. i slept basically all december, i was too tired to be awake more than 3-5 hours at a time most days. i haven’t even been able to wash my hair or proper shower since. much of december and january i was unable to walk (and i mean literally dragging myself with my arms/using my moms walker as crutches unable to walk) which was a fun new exciting development. thankfully we started to live our current place by then, as our apartment is on the second floor with awful cinder stairs. though we still haven’t moved for real and are stuck paying for it until near may. soooo really uh not jazzed to find out how we will move in the next two months when i still have days i can’t walk. especially since again we basically have no IRL support. i’m doing better at least a little, i’ve started nutrient IV therapy again which is helping even if it’s extremely difficult (and expensive). my stomach is still so fucked up that i can barely eat. it’s so clenched all the time if i have more than like 3 crackers i will have Lead Weight and 6-10 hours of pain :) thank you cannabis literally without her i would not be eating at all. even still i’m belching like a beer hall competitor for hours most days it fucking sucks. the only real progress tho has been that at least i’ve been having a lot fewer panic attacks and less general anxiety now that we are living in our new spot which i’m very grateful for. kinda surprising bc usually if my stomach hurts i have anxiety and often panic so that at least has been a relief. the rest of my brain has been fucking trash garbage tho, nonverbal or partially verbal mostly. multiple meltdowns a week when b4 it was a biannual occurrence. no brain power, lots of autistic rage & ideation. just awful to be & inflict on everyone else. i am sorry for that. it is largely why i shut down at times. i simply fucking have to.

obviously i’ve been too sick to really do anything but spouse and i are deep in our pokémon hole and it’s keeping us good company. lol despite the graphics scvi are pretty good games. writing? character development? in MY pokémon main series game? more likely than you think..

still it’s so bittersweet to be saying sayonara to satoshi shounen, ah ah ahhh i’m gonna cry so hard (already have). but i think the new series will be good. it will just be different.

also i was blessed bc in the first 30 min of playing i caught a shiny mareep, one of my top 6 fave lines and one of my fave shinies. i only caught 1 in pogo and so i was so jazzed. she’s carried us 💖 my beloved deanna (like dddk, not tng)

one of the things that’s also been good is our new living situation, even if its annoying and complicated sometimes to share with other people, i’m glad we are living with my literal oldest friend and the only person from high school i still talk to lol. we have a cottage, bigger than our old one, and even tho it doesn’t have a bathroom, the insulation & windows are shit, it’s been good. & it is under 2k a month, we got a small room in the main house now too so spouse has an office & we have some extra storage. but the best is having space to make a large, productive garden, and my friends 3 ducks and 3 chickens. skip the next part if you don’t wanna see my essay about them LMAO.

and omg gay people, i’ll never not be raising poultry now. bird flu in domestic flock was finally detected in our county this winter, which makes me sweat a bit but fingers crossed we will be ok. my friends ex (who lived here b4 us) did most of the bird care. since i’ve been here tho it’s basically all been me, and of my choice. tricky when i have been sick but truthfully they take about 20 min a day of daily care, and maybe an hour a week of general maitenence. in early autumn when we got here, it was so easy to be outside for hours with them.. no one had ever been able to pet them before. my friend wasn’t even trusted enough to see the duckies swim in their pool while she was in the yard! nowadays the two nonskittish ducks are happy to pop in there even if i’m in the splash zone 🤣 i’m awful i do love the ducks best because they are sweet, simple creatures who know what’s good in life (treats, bodies of water, naps, frequent loud gay sex) while the chickens are a bit mean 😭 i still haven’t resolved the pecking order issues (the lowest chicken, emma [cream legbar], always beats up on the nervous duck, lydia [ancona]) but hopefully in summer i’ll be able to help shift that. kitty (brown khaki campbell) & jane (silver welsh harlequin) are very well trained to “cmere” and eat readily (jane, too readily..) from my hand. the dominant chickens, boss lady/lizzie (black ameraucana supposably) & eleanor (grey lace silverruds blå) will do the same but they aren’t quite as good at the recall lol. i’ve been reading on raising them all, working on gentling them, and enriching their lives.. i love it. they have really helped me, especially kitty. she is very special. she is the smallest but she lays the hugest fucking eggs, and since mid autum it’s been DAILY. like lord girl you gotta stop and moult eventually your feathers are so tatty. spouse has breakfast every day now though. i’m allergic to eggs so 😂 oh well. they’re great fun to raise regardless. (i’ve even recently gotten skittish lydia to eat worms from my hand, so i’ve officially touched them all!!)

anyway i could talk about my beloved birds for fuckin ever obviously lol but i also wanna write about my family a bit too, bc so much has happened. tw covid , IPV , cancer

i may have had covid in summer/early fall but my mom and sis got it for real, both of them in december/january. i don’t remember which. my mom got hers likely from the hospital cuz her ONCOLOGIST told her to get her mri there instead of the specialty mri clinic :) which is nice. my mom has lymphoma as well as several autoimmune diseases and pretty severe mental illness. she has been sick in and off since. she is sick rn & i am missing this weeks IV because of that. so shout out to california removing mask requirements in healthcare settings as of april 🤮👍

my sister got hers from her shitty ex bf. that man supported her while she dealt with numerous health issues and surgeries in.. 2020..1? 21 i think. idk. maybe both. he supported her thru the hell that the last year was. up until last month when he fucking attacked her over a disagreement about a LITTER BOX. literally grabbed her , held her, and dumped dirty cat litter box over her head then destroyed the box with a huge chefs knife. bc that’s a really normal response. my sister had to call the cops. she’s gonna get a restraining order against him and his fucked up parents. but now she’s out she’s realized he had been abusing her verbally & emotionally like their whole relationship. 💔 i’m just so glad she fucking survived and he didn’t do worse, good god. she has been staying in our apartment most of the winter bc covid and now until she can get her own place so even tho we are hemmoraghing money on that shithole, at least it’s useful.. bc lol my moms husband literally told my sister “well in your bfs defense, any guy would react like that to a woman behaving like that” LIKE UM? NO?!??!? so she isn’t comfortable being there. spouse and i never felt safe around that man and it is a large reason we moved from my cottage at my moms to my dads place to begin with. so at least we have officially broken off any relationship to that trash man which is great but my mom won’t leave him so i have to just make my peace that disease will take her if he doesn’t someday. fun stuff.

tw parental death

also cool and fun things happening lately is that this saturday it will have been a year since my fathers physical form drew breath. to say this last 15 or so months have sucked shit is the biggest understatement ever. my aunt currently has like two days to settle his estate; yes she still has a large proportion of my sister & my inheritance. no i haven’t seen or spoken to her since my grandpas funeral in september but i’m the “child of her heart” like ok. & my da had a reverse mortgage on our home of 20 years, and they forced us to sell it within a few months instead of the 12 legally we were allowed. that move was absolute hell. and i had to spend 8k on movers just for some of them to 1% ass it; they literally broke multiple peices of my dads ceramic artworks bc i tried and tried to get people to help me pack them but no one but my mom did. she couldn’t manage them all. it’s hard to forgive myself. it’s so fucking enourmous to bear the weight of knowing i have to be the one who cares for and maintaines his body of work, at least the bulk of it. god that fucker i’m still mad he gave away my favourite bowl to a goddamn woman he met at the pool LMFAO classic mike manoeuvre. one of his brothers took the fish vase i wanted too.. and the vase that matches the one he was throwing when my moms water broke with me. if it was steve i forgive you because my uncle steve also is dying of bladder cancer rn (da had multiple myeloma, diagnosed 2016) and i feel shit for not speaking with him for months but. illness. larry you’re on thin ice, hugh if it was you i’ll kill you myself 🔪 same for you mary especially cuz u actually knew i wanted that shit.

dads bday was literally in january but did any one of those bitches text me? no. did any of his friends text me? no. tbf i can barely respond to texts but like still.. i feel bad i haven’t seen or called my grandma but also. illness! been nonverbal most days! so like 🥲 everyone else has their grief too i get it but lol to have everyone say “we will be there for you” and for literally no one to be seen its very hurtful. at least one of his friends text me to check in on me and my sister yday. but it really truly feels like no one gives a shit. and with my moms lack of health i’m having to prepare to be an orphan within 5 years.

my sister bought a star for him months ago in some registry. i didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was near meaningless, these registries aren’t anything, no one can own these things. but on clear nights i still look off the leading edge of the plow into whatever near nothingness that faint light is coming from, adrift in emptiness.

———

anyways that’s pretty much all from me. (is it enough LOL. happy saturn return with saturn in sideral aquarius. in my 1H too 😩) as i get better i will be getting back slowly into discord and shit, i’ve literally just been too exhausted and unable to function. some of yiz have known abt some of this, but mostly my main acct tweeps & tumblr muts haven’t, so i just figured i would write this, and maybe it would help me in some way. hopefully i’ll be back on tumblr soon too, i literally just can’t use it with our internet (and lack of) here lmfao. i’ll slowly be getting this out to my e-circles as i have energy in the next days.

sending love to you all in pawsitivity discord; yuri horse club, gabriel, kurt & folks from tumblr; and all the rest of yiz. (i don’t mean to forget or omit anyone, honest). i hate that illness & shit has kept me from you. the last year has taught me well to value the time we have and it is not guaranteed. i love you all, i miss you, and i am wishing you well. i am hoping to reconnect soon. beannachtaí 💚💙💜

#tw for fun stuff like covid cancer parental death IPV / domestic violence #u know the usual grab bag of things 😩#🖋🦓#🖋️🦓

5 notes · View notes

jovalencia · 11 months

Text

good morning ladies it is 6am and I spent the entire night awake and I’ll explain why under the cut bc I am gonna vent abt my health issues again and I’m gonna talk about vomit and all my stomach and eating issues as of late so just be aware of that. and this is all like a massive tmi but none of you are real so it’s okay

okay yeah so basically last night I had avocado toast for dinner which I’ve never had before and it was really good and that’s actually not relevant I just wanted to tell you guys. also not relevant but I was listening to tower of nero while I did that and I can’t believe how much I actually care about this series now. the lester effect I guess I’ll talk about that in a post once I finish the series

anyways I was still hungry after the toast so I ate some leftover gas station jojos from the day before and you’re probably like “carmen ofc you felt sick again last night you ate fucking gas station jojos” and yeah maybe I did and it’s not exactly the smartest decision but I also ate them two desperate times the day before so idk why this time would be any different since it hasn’t even been 2 days since I bought them. but yeah halfway though eating those (and watching my ethanimale video🫶) I started to not feel great so I was like fuck it I’ll go to bed. and I was sooooo excited to go to bed bc I was exhausted and since I’m home alone I was (tmi) gonna sleep naked bc I’ve never slept naked and it sounds fun as hell. and I’m sure it would have been if my stomach wasn’t doing backflips the whole time and despite the fact that I Just Fuckig Ate I was very noticeably hungry. I tried to fall asleep and ended up just doing that half in and out of consciousness thing that was going on last time I was sick like this. without the hallucination stress nightmares this time. except every time my stomach did a flip big enough to wake me up, I did in fact have to go to the bathroom to shit. and guys this is gross but I truly have no idea how I was able to shit so much like i took at least five full sized shits and I’m not even constipated or anything like WHERE did it all come from. every time I got up I was legit flabbergasted. anyways. I ate half a fig bar to try and get some more food in my system and finally put on some clothes and did what I know always helps when I’m sick: lay on the living room couch.

side note shoutout to my sister for insisting hat this couch was so soft and comfy that we Needed to buy it and the matching chair despite the fact that we didn’t need new living room furniture. we absolutely did and she’s the mvp of my life for that.

so yeah I was finally able to get some sleep out here on the couch and I still wasn’t feeling Great but I was able to actually sleep which is a testament to the power of this couch. and it was fine I was waking up to piss like eve Rey half hour big I’ve been driving a lot of water since it’s the only thing I can stomach and I was getting up to shit every half hour before so what does it matter. and it was all fine I could handle this until I needed to wake up for work (whether I’m going idk) but then I won’t up and I was like “yeah I’m definitely gonna throw up” so I threw up. and like here’s where it’s weird. like first of all it was a Lot of water considering how much I’ve been pissing out every 30 minutes for the whole night. second of all I threw up carrots which I haven’t had since wednesday night and god could they possibly still be in my stomach considering how much shitting I’ve done this morning. very weird.

but yeah I feel a bit better now and I tried to call my mom but she’s off the grid on a camping trip (boooooo👎) so I texted her instead and it said it went through so hopefully she gets back to me on that. I’m gonna scroll through some posts then try and get back to sleep bc despite how hungry I am right now my persistent lack of appetite is striking again and i don’t think if actually be able to eat anything right now. god bless.

#my mom’s prob gonna text me back and tell me to drink a gatorade but I don’t WANT gatorate. EW.#carmen.txt

2 notes · View notes

wheretheivystillgrows · 11 months

Text

I’m in Europe right now!

I’m here with my family, traveling to different cities. I’m enjoying it so much. I recently started a new medication and stopped two of my older ones that were hurting me. This new one along with medications for my stomach have done incredible things for me. I’ve been able to have pizza without being sick for 4 days afterwards, I’ve had gelato and chocolate and cheese and my body is somehow able to handle it now. It’s crazy! It makes me want to cry. It’s been 7 years of this. 7 years of missing out on family experiences, family dinner, family trips, and just happiness in general. I should be crazy, crazy sick right now even just from the food I’ve had. Usually I would be incapacitated from eating even one of those things. Today I have a migraine, but it’s the first intense one since this trip started, which was about two weeks ago. I’m sore throughout my body, but not as sore as usual. My stomach pain and nausea have been worse today, but still mild compared to my usual pain I had before these medications. I went on a tour through Zürich, Switzerland and it was so beautiful. The sights were beautiful, but it was also very beautiful and healing for me to be able to do something like that without crashing 30 minutes into it. By the end of the tour (it was like 4 hours-ish, I think), everyone was exhausted but I wasn’t as tired and painfully sore as I usually am after going somewhere like the mall. My doctors haven’t diagnosed me but are basically treating me for fibromyalgia, migraines, weird mysterious stomach issues, and depression. All of those thing seem to have gotten significantly better since I started the newest medication like 3 weeks ago. My family is so happy for me, but if we’re being honest, no one can truly understand what this means to me unless they’ve been through it themselves. I’ve been isolated and robbed of soooo much, and I’m finally getting to live again, finally getting to genuinely smile and laugh again. It’s always scary for me to have hope bc for some reason, in the past I always seemed to be punished for thinking that maybe I could be whole someday and my body would just torture me even more. But, I can’t but feel hopeful this time. Tentative hope, but it’s still there. There’s still so much fear that I’m carrying that probably most people with chronic illnesses carry. A lot of fear, anger, hopelessness, sadness, trauma, anxiety, should I go on? Lol. But I’m gonna work on it, I promise. At least I have medical support now for depression so that should help me as well.

Anyway, here are some pictures I took in Switzerland:

Switzerland is the most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life. I am so lucky to be here and to be able to enjoy it with my family.

Yesterday, it rained all day long and we were all so tired. So we just slept in and chilled all day. I sat on the hotel patio, listened to music and read. The light rain was so calming and it was cooler than the past few days had been and it smelled so good and fresh. That was exactly what I needed to rest and recuperate a little bit of my strength (and sanity).

I think I want to do like a post about my interests and about who I am outside of my illness. Of course, I’m the only one reading this right now, but i think would be fun for me and also I want to remind myself that there is more to me than being sick and depressed. I’m not like this super cool person that everyone wants to be around at all times lol, but maybe I’ll find some people here that enjoy similar things and we can be friends.

Okay, well, that’s all for today folks. Tune in next time ;)

— Love, Ivy 🌱

#chronic illness #migraines #ibs #depression

2 notes · View notes

eddiebun · 2 years

Note

hello there dear!! I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well, I'm recovering from sickness myself so please get plenty of rest like I did!

did you see all the vampire eddie theories? and the ART?? like... omg. they be drawing him with red eyes and fangs too I'm going apeshit over it. also I hope you had lots of fun on sunday! hopefully no one there got you sick and in return got joseph sick :( poor baby was worked to the BONE. but I hope your day has been alright!! —🐰

hi angel, thank you !! i hope you recover quickly too tbh with me i think it’s because i had so much nerves and anxiety building up to con and then now it’s all coming crashing down and i haven’t been able to eat properly for the last three days bc anxiety and now my throat and head is suffering so idk, body hates me or someone did get me sick ddjbdhh

i’ve seen some art and ofc i love the theory sm hehehe. someone also mentioned to joseph eddie coming back at like a vampire or bat king of some sorts also someone asked “were eddie’s legs bitten down to the bone.” and his eyes went so wide, he was so surprised to hear that people thought that ahaha

#fairy rambles 🤍#joseph quinn

5 notes · View notes

chronicallyedelgard · 11 months

Note

just need to rant about chronic illness and women's beauty pressure. so i've made a lot of progress in the last year of overcoming a lot of beauty standards that once controlled my life. i've stopped shaving, i haven't worn makeup since like novemberish, i've made a lot of rlly good progress with disordered eating habits that were left over from when i had a binge-restrict cycle ed!! i was rlly proud of myself!! and then a couple months ago i developed severe hives and swelling. i also keep having occasional bouts of awful stomach pain and fever-like symptoms. i've seen doctors and allergists and i've done bloodwork and i even had to get a CT scan because my blood results were so concerning. no one knows what's wrong with me so they just gave me some anti-histamines that barely work and sent me on my way because i was about to leave to study in another country. and like, i'm tough i'm hardy i can deal with the occasional pain and the constant itching. but i'm now in a very hot country and the hives are everywhere and i'm so intensely self conscious about how diseased and concerning my skin looks now. it feels like it's undoing all this progress i made and wrecking my self-confidence. i paid a lot of money that i worked hard for to take classes here and i couldn't even go yesterday or today bc of how horrible i looked. it's bringing back so many insecurities and body dysmorphia im going insane and i hate hate hate beauty standards so much.

(Sorry for the late reply, been sick) I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of that, I completely understand. I’ve partially overcome beauty standards somewhat but my hormone issues cause tons of acne, I haven’t been able to lose weight and and super self conscious of my body and I also struggle with not doing things/going places because of how I look ☹️

this is dark (tw: mom death), but honestly what helps me snap out it some is that my mom passed away at like 53 and the reality really hitting me that it is entirely possible to just get sick and die out of nowhere in the middle of your life has really stuck with me and that you have to live life because you only get this one shot. I know that’s much easier said than done, especially when you are dealing with health issues. But it sounds like you have worked so hard for this great opportunity for yourself and you owe it to yourself to complete your classes.

My advice: you have already made amazing progress overcoming these beauty standards once, so you know that you are able to. It’s a harder challenge this time, but you are already halfway up the mountain - don’t turn around! Some days I will wear oversized shirts or some concealer or something because it’s the only way I’ll get out of the house. It’s a compromise, but the end result is that I didn’t stay home because of my looks which I think is a win.

Sorry this is rambly I hope something helps. But I understand how much this situation sucks and I hate that someone else is going through it too. But you aren’t alone

1 note · View note

allissonn · 2 years

Text

2008 vs 2016 vs 2019 vs 2022

Do you still talk to the first person you fell the hardest for?

2008 - Everyday :) 2016 – All the time 2019 - It’s all I want to do. 2022 - All of the above.

2. Have you ever seen your best friend naked? 2008 - Haha, no. And no thanks either. 2016 – You’d think so but nah 2019 - I consider Russel one of my best friends, the best of the best, so yes. 2022 - ^

3. Are you obsessed with someone? 2008 - Other than Edward Cullen? Nope. HAHAA! 2016 – Ew ^ 2019 - Hella ew to both answers. 2022 - Funny enough I just finished watching the Twilight series for the billionth time and y'all are lying if you think Edward Cullen isn't bae.

5. Do you like more than one person right now? 2008 - Nope. 2016 – Nah, I’ve never been so committed 2019 - Yes, ninety nine percent of the people in my life right now. Surround yourself w good people. 2022 - These questions aren't specific enough for me anymore, I need a more thorough one.

6. Name something that you would love to eat right now? 2008 - A poutine from New York Fries. Lol. 2016 – Pho from THDang. Best I’ve ever had and this cold is killing me right now 2019 - THDANG FOREVER. 2022 - Honestly anything right now, bc I'm at work and skipped breakfast.

7. Did you get any compliments today? 2008 - Mhmm. 2016 – Russel constantly reminds me how much he loves me everyday, if that counts 2019 - Russ called me beautiful otw to work this morning. He also told me he loves me, my favorite compliment of all. 2022 - Bro, it's 9 AM on a Sunday.

8. Last Person you talked to on msn? 2008 - Laika.. Hol. 2016 – RIP MSN 2019 - Lowkey miss the MSN days. 2022 - Rofl. Lol.

9. Who was the last two people to call you? 2008 - In person? Or on the phone? 2016 – My mom, to check up on my sick ass and Jeffrey asking what my Tim’s order was 2019 - My cousin Leslie, but I missed it. 2022 - Russel and mi madre.

10. If you could pick the temperature of the outdoors for the rest of your life would you? 2008 - No doubt. 2016 – Hell yes. Fuck this -35 bull happening right now 2019 - Absolutely, global warming is real and it’s terrifying. 2022 - Wow, how mature of 2019 me.

11. If you could have one super power what would it be? 2008 - To be able to read your mind :) 2016 – The power to heal any injured living thing would be nice 2019 - I’m honestly shocked that my answer in 2016 was so mature. I’m sticking w it. 2022 - I'm still so nosy, I'd love to be able to read peoples minds.

12. Are you happy? 2008 - Not at the moment. 2016 – Happiest I’ve been in a ridiculously long time 2019 - Could be happier. 2022 - Yes and no. Considering I had a miscarriage 15 days ago, life has been brutal lately. But it's reassuring to know that I can and will be happier eventually.

13. What’s your favorite smell? 2008 - Vanilla :) 2016 – Still vanilla. It’s nice to know some things just don’t change 2019 - Russel’s natural scent mixed w some D&G Light Blue. 2022 - Avery. He smells like home.

14. Are you moody? 2008 - I don’t think so :S 2016 – Yeah, but I’m not going to apologize for it 2019 - Constantly. Right now even. 2022 - My hormone levels are so off right now, I'm blaming it on that.

15. Last person you hung out with? 2008 - Whoever was there afterschool. 2016 – Does Russel count if we live together? If not, his cousins at their annual Christmas party 2019 - Went to Activate w the Espiritu’s last weekend. Otherwise it’s been work and straight home since. Adulting sucks. 2022 - Other than Russel and Avery, and the work ppl, does Ashana in SOGH ER count?

16. Have you ever tried to NOT fall for someone? 2008 - Sadly, yes. Whompwhomp. 2016 – Apparently ^ 2019 - Every single person I’ve fallen for tbh. 2022 - ^

17. Have you ever toilet papered someone’s house? 2008 - I wish, ahaha 2016 – Still on my bucket list unfortunately 2019 - Haven’t done it, but no longer on my bucket list. Think green, you know? 2022 - In this economy?

18. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? 2008 - Hello Jr. High. Haa.. 2016 – Story time, I actually had a thing for Russ in high school but didn’t tell him until we were officially together five years later. Lol 2019 - I just realized I was already dating Russ in 2016 and holy shit that year felt like a lifetime ago. 2022 - Lol 2016 tho

19. Have you ever gone camping? 2008 - Yes. And I absolutely hate it. 2016 – Yes, and I still hate it 2019 - Yes. I’m also willing to give it another try. The growth is real. 2022 - I would love to take Avery some time

20. Are you a liar? 2008 - According to Roxanne I suck. Lol. 2016 – I’d be lying if I said no, so no 2019 - Yes, but terrible at it. 2022 - Aren't we all

21. Have you ever gone to a nude beach? 2008 - No. 2016 – Nah, that’s not a priority of any sort 2019 - Still a solid no. 2022 - No thanks.

29. Have you ever had a stalker? 2008 - In a way, yeah :/ 2016 – Story time part two: Yes, and the only way to get him to stop talking to me was to constantly remind him that my boyfriend was in jail. Which wasn’t a lie, not entirely at least 2019 - Wow, completely forgot I had a stalker at one point too. 2022 - Wild.

22. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? 2008 - No. 2016 – Still a no 2019 - This is definitely still on my bucket list. 2022 - Wow these questions make me realize how little I've done with my bucket list. I should actually start one.

23. Listening to music? What are you listening to? 2008 - Yes. Read the title of this note. 2016 – Starboy by The Weeknd 2019 - My 4.LT playlist on spotify for my emotional ass. Don’t Wanna Be Your Girl by WET. 2022 - Currently listening to the Kristin Cavalari, Stephen Colletti and Lauren Conrad podcast. Highschool me is screaming.

24. Have you ever been betrayed by your best friend(s)? 2008 - Mhmm. 2016 - LOL 2019 - The number of times this has come up today alone compared to the last year is insane. 2022 - Fuck 'em all.

25. Have you ever lied to your parents? 2008 - Yes :/ 2016 - Unfortunately 2019 - Wish I never did. 2022 - I mean..

26. Have you ever worn your best friend’s clothes? 2008 - Yeap. 2016 – If we’re talking about Russ, I’m wearing his shirt right now 2019 - Still wearing his shirt tbh. 2022 - There is literally no other way to answer some of these questions than how I already have.

27. Have you ever thrown up from working out? 2008 - Nope. 2016 – Thankfully not, although that makes me think I’m not working hard enough 2019 - Again, probably not pushing myself hard enough. 2022 - I read that as "from making out" and my first thought was, is that a thing? Is that possible? Bruh.

28. Have you had a bad haircut? 2008 - Tons -_-“ 2016 - Girl 2019 - Girlllllllllll. 2022 - Not recently, thankfully.

29. Where are your siblings right now? 2008 - One is upstairs? The other is who knows where. 2016 – I honestly don’t know. I haven’t seen either of them in weeks. Horrible 2019 - Living their own/best lives. 2022 - ^

30. Last place you cried? 2008 - In the car. Ha. 2016 – In my room, probably over some tv show for sure 2019 - Literally in this exact spot, minutes before I decided to do this to change the mood. Sheesh. 2022 - In bed a few nights ago. Still don't know if I've processed the fact that I had a miscarriage with Russel yet tbh.

31. Name three things you did today? 2008 - That stupid english essay, ran around in the rain, and survived the day. Booya. 2016 – I tell you three things I didn’t do today: Sleep, go to work and get some fresh air 2019 - Work. Eat. Sleep. 2022 - I'll tell you three things I really wanted to do instead: Sleep in, have breakfast, spend the day with Avery. Work sucks.

32. Last person you text messaged? 2008 - Jodianne. 2016 – Jodianne again. Crazy 2019 - My groupchat w Pacifico and Michelle 2022 - Russel

33. Future kids names? 2008 - Lol. Yeah, I’m gonna name my kid Lol. NAT. 2016 – I’m really feeling “Riley” because it’s unisex 2019 - Still into unisex names. Possibly something in connection w my grandparents’ names. 2022 - The fact that I actually did give my child a unisex name. Go me.

34. What are you doing tomorrow? 2008 - My eng exam :/ 2016 – Waking up at 530 just to pick up my work equipment even though my two week vacation already started. Shitty 2019 - Working. Eating. Sleeping. Repeating. Adulting. 2022 - Work, bitch.

35. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? 2008 - Of course! 2016 – Anything Britney Spears was my shit 2019 - I miss the days when Allan and I would blast the radio in the living room at the Banning house. Running around and jumping on/over furniture. Singing at the top of our lungs. 2022 - Lol aw ^ Srsly though.

36. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? 2008 - Nope, sorray. 2016 – Over and over again 2019 - Until the end of time. 2022 - Who tf did I kiss in 2008.

37. Are you allergic to anything? 2008 - None what so ever. 2016 – Hair dye 2019 - Hair dye and AHA’s. 2022 - Bullshit.

38. What is your mood? 2008 - I feel so giddy, yet tired. 2016 – I feel like crap rn 2019 - Shitty as fuck. 2022 - Jaden Smith.

39. Is anyone jealous of you? 2008 - How should I know? 2016 - ^ 2019 - If they are, they shouldn’t be. 2022 - Dont know. Don't care.

40. When is the last time you got into a fight? 2008 - Yesterday. Not physically tho. 2016 – Got into a dumbass fight over being “the captain” with Russ a few hours ago. Lasted not even ten minutes 2019 - A few months ago Russ and I gave each other the silent treatment for almost three entire days. It was extremely difficult considering how entwined our lives are. 2022 - I don't even know.

41. Where were you 2 hours ago? 2008 - Finishing my essay. Yay. 2016 – Exactly where I am rn 2019 - I haven’t moved in three hours. 2022 - Work. Man fuck work.

42. Where were you 6 hours ago? 2008 - In eng class talking to Arlyn :) 2016 – Is it sad that I haven’t really moved all day 2019 - At work earning this comfy lifestyle. 2022 - Warm and cozy snuggled next to Avery in bed.

43. What does your hair look like right now? 2008 - It’s in a ponytail. 2016 – It’s in a messy bun 2019 - If I’m home, my hair is in a bun. 2022 - The same it's always been.

44.Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend? 2008 - Yeah. 2016 – I remember exactly what Russel said when he admitted he was into me haha 2019 - I remember every single time someone has told me. 2022 - I actually no longer remember every single time someone has told me, lol. I genuinely only care about remembering when Russel told me.

45. What have you eaten today? 2008 - Food. 2016 – Pancit, eggs, pizza bites, sinigang, and yet I’m so hungry right now 2019 - For breakfast I had a shitty Beyond Meat breakfast sandwhich and a coffee from Tim’s. I had a bagel w honey ham, mixed greens and sriracha mayo sandwich for lunch. For dinner, I picked up Tocilog and Sisilog from Mar’s Sisig for Russ and I. 2022 - Coffee.

46. Is your hair naturally curly, straight, or nappy? 2008 - Wavy? Wth is nappy? 2016 – Dang I was so uncultured ^ It’s naturally wavy 2019 - Wavy. Also, something worth mentioning, I haven’t blow dried OR straightened my hair all summer. Again, the growth is real. 2022 - It only took me 30 years to realize my hair is actually straight. Wow.

47. Who was the last friend you were in the car with? 2008 - Laika.. Hol. :D Hehee. 2016 – Pacifico most likely 2019 - Ashana drove me to Selkirk the other weekend, but she’s more family than friend tbh. 2022 - Michelle?

48. What are you looking forward to? 2008 - Tomorrow, I guess :( 2016 – it’s the most wonderful time of the year! 2019 - I need something to look forward to. How depressing. 2022 - Nothing, now.

49. What do you think about marriage? 2008 - Too young to even think about it. 2016 – I ain’t stressing it 2019 - Should it happen, it happens. But honestly, starting a family is more of a priority to me right now. 2022 - Again, if it happens, it happens. Not entirely a goal.

50. Any of your friends getting married? 2008 - Not that I know of. 2016 – I’m at that age where everyone I know is either engaged, married and/or having children 2019 - This^. Stil. 2022 - Bro we're in our 30s.

0 notes

skzshortcake · 3 years

Note

hiii this is a bit of a random request. i’m sorry if it’s bothersome! u can literally ignore it if you want. it’s just,,, i’ve had worst two weeks and my friends are all busy and i just,,, am constantly overworked and stressed bcs of uni (final year of uni fucking sucks) which idk i usually can handle but this whole week has been a disaster. i had 5 meetings. and i missed 2 of them, 2 assignments, 3 presentations and lectures. and on top of that i had to write an article for a magazine. there was just,,, so much due in a week and i got overwhelmed and kinda just,,, shut down. and to top it off, this morning i slipped in the shower (literally full on split on the floor) and my thighs hurt and i can’t walk or even sit without being in pain. and i can’t remember the last time i slept. i think it was two days ago. idk. i still have SO MUCH to do so i can’t sleep yet and i’m super stressed. oh gosh i’m sorry i’m rambling.

to get the point, i was hoping u could write a fluff piece with chan where the reader is stressed af like i am?? i usually read these to escape my head for a bit cause i’m a sucker for cute romance stories :’) it’d help a lottttt. but it’s okay if you can’t! 🥺 i’m sorry for bothering~

of course!! this might seem rushed so i’m sorry if it comes off like that- but i really hope it helps you!! i basically wrote chan into my interpretation of your situation, i hope that’s ok!! stay safe and take care bby! i’m always here if you (or anyone) needs to rant.

comforting surprises - bang chan

member: chan

genre: comfort/angst

warnings: anxiety and an overwhelming time, crying, not proofread

note: requests are still open, but it will take me a bit to get to them. i’m doing my best i promise but it’s kinda hard to write happy things for me right now.

ring... ring... ring...

chan hoped you would answer his call. he texted you earlier in the week and didn’t get a response, so he knew something must have been up. he anxiously rocked back and forth in the office chair he was sitting in, staring at the wall of his office while he waited for an answer.

a couple more rings in, he was about to hang up, but thankfully, you answered.

he heard you try and calm your breathing through the phone “hey.” you managed to say.

“prince(ss)? what’s wrong?” he immediately sat up, alert.

“it’s nothing,” you cry “i just-i just fell this morning and i’m a little busy.”

“ok, ok, can you tell me what’s going on? i’m on my way right now i’m not sure how long i’ll be.” he stood up and saved his work on the computer, hurrying to pack what was necessary in his black backpack to rush out the door.

“i-i,” you broke down in tears again “i have so much to do and i haven’t slept in days. i’m so behind on work it’s making me sick to my stomach...”

“ok, ok, i’m going to help you... can you breathe for me, baby? here, breathe in on the count of one and out on five, ok? i’ll count to eight for you.”

he started counting through the phone for you, knowing he probably looked crazy as he loudly breathed and counted on a phone call while speed-walking through the jyp building, but he couldn’t care less.

you were doing your best, truly, and he could tell, but you still couldn’t manage to take deep enough breaths to calm down.

“it’s ok, you’re doing so well for me, y/n... i’m on my way, i’ll be twenty minutes?” he says, waiting for your “ok” before helping you breathe again.

chan managed to get you to calm down a bit by the time he walked out of the building. he suggested that you go get a glass of water and sit down somewhere and wait until he got home.

“i’m ok, i’m ok now.” you sniffle, taking another sip of water and breathing heavily into the cup while you drank. “you travel safely please.” you told him.

“don’t worry, i will. are you going to be ok if i hang up now? i’ll be home soon, prince(ss).”

“mhmm.”

“ok, i’ll be fifteen minutes now. go sit down and rest please.”

he said goodbye and hung up, feeling even more worried for you. chan couldn’t help it, you’re his baby and he feels a responsibility to make sure you’re ok. he didn’t care if he had work to do or if he was busy, you were always his first priority.

he picked up some things for you from the downtown, practically checking his phone every thirty seconds to double check you hadn’t texted him again. he left just as soon as he arrived to make sure he wouldn’t make you wait any longer.

chan nearly dropped his keys as he fumbled with the door. he just wanted to see you as soon as possible.

“y/n?”

“hm?” your teary voice answered from the living room. you chose to sit down on the plush couch, only issue is you didn’t know if you’d be able to get back up.

“hey, i’m here now.” he set his bags down next to him while he sat down next to you. “can i hold you?”

you just nodded, feeling sobs build in your throat again. but you didn’t cry, you didn’t have the energy to cry anymore.

chan pulled you into a hug, knowing that he couldn’t do anything to make your work easier. “i’ve got you. it’s going to be ok.”

he let you stay there for as long as you needed. once you looked up at him with a defeated expression, he knew that it really must have been a difficult time.

“i’m so stuck.”

“honey, i’m so sorry. i’m sorry that things have been difficult, i’ll help you as much as you need, ok? we will figure it out, together. i promise.” he pressed a tender kiss to your forehead “i have something for you, baby.”

he leaned down and pulled out a bouquet of flowers and your favorite restaurant’s takeout. chan handed you the bouquet, and you noticed how he bought the flowers in your favorite color and even had the florist wrap them it thin decorative paper with a bow wrapped around it, also in your favorite color. he always excelled at attention to detail.

you felt the tears build again. “i love you so much. thank you.” you looked down to hide your crying from him. you felt so touched that he went to the extent to rush out and get your favorite food and flowers on a whim when he was in the middle of working.

chan truly had a heart of gold.

“of course, i love you so much too, prince(ss).” he put a hand on your cheek, not forcing you to look him in the eye if you felt overwhelmed, but letting you know he was there. “now, how about we eat some good food and get some good rest, and i will help you with your projects in the morning. it’s the weekend after all, you deserve to rest tonight. i’ll help you get to sleep.” he gave you another kiss and stood up to get some plates and utensils.

when he came back and served up your food, he turned on the tv and put on a show in the background. chan also didn’t forget to prop up your legs and get you an ice pack for your injuries.

“you will not believe what jeongin did today... he lost a bet and had to make breakfast this morning, and you can imagine how that turned out. we even gave him thorough instructions but he still managed to forget some of the ingredients and had to have help from the manager.”

chan joked with you and cheered you up, like he always did. you were pretty sure he was some sort of guardian angel for you, because he always showed you unconditional love and support, even when he was busy.

he was forever grateful for you and you were forever grateful for him.

85 notes · View notes

modusmumbles · 3 years

Text

Day fifteen to twenty-three on Sertraline

So I missed a few days huh

Generally, things have got way better!

- the headache is basically gone! Unless I jump about too much

- nausea and dizziness has almost gone

- I have done so much work! I think I'm actually ahead right now! I kept my focus allll day yesterday and got so much done

- I'm much less sleepy. Last week I'd do about 2 hours work before having to take a nap, this week I've been staying up for hours

- the way I think is no longer as sluggish

- appetite has increased back to normal

Side affects (/things that I have noticed are different) that haven't gone away:

- Noise sensitivity. I've changed and moved a lot of things so that my workspace is quieter and been using my sound cancelling headphones more

- I am so? Forgetful? Like what happened this morning? I don't know! I keep forgetting to update this blog! Top tip: write stuff down

- I'm very figety. Like, so figety. I'm able to sit still enough to draw but ive unplugged my laptop charger with my foot three times this week and I can't stand still while I wait for the kettle to boil. As a result my skin is super bad atm bc I keep picking at it but I'm considering buying some sort of figet to help with this

- Still get hot flashes sometimes? Those feel so weird

- my eyes still take a while to adjust to light. I'm basically Captain Lorca but not a jerk

- the way I focus has changed. I'm still learning what helps me focus best but sometimes I can only focus on One Thing (I don't get to choose what, this could be a leaf) or I can accidentally leave a Minecraft livestream open while I listen to my uni lecture and be more engaged with my learning than ever this term. Idk if more/less things help me focus but I'm sure I'll work it out. Yesterday I was tracking tornadoes over Alabama and coloured my animation for 6+ hours whilst watching the news broadcasts. Today I was watching historic tornado broadcasts and I have not done much at all in comparison. So who knows what's going on there...

Things that has made taking Sertraline easier (for me):

Now things have settled down a bit I thought I'd share what I've learned. This may not work for everyone but it has made my experience a lot more bearable so perhaps it could work for someone else

- Take your tablet with a whole glass of water This means theres a lower chance of the headache being bad.

- Make sure you've got water with you all day, and drink it! Stay hydrated friends

- Have your tablet with food! This also reduces the headache/nausea/ect. This doesn't have to be a meal

- Eat (some) salty things. If you are feeling dizzy, headachy and/or nauseous this can be a sign that you have low sodium levels. Salt is high in sodium

- Swap out your swivel chair for a not-swivelly chair! If you feel motion sick/dizzy/headachy but are also very fidgety, moving onto a chair where you can't push yourself around all day really does make a big difference

- Move your screens further away from you (and turn font size up if needed). If your eyes take longer focussing, it is more exhausting to focus on this closer to you, so move them back a bit! This reduces the headache a surprising amount!

- Fresh air is good air! Even if you don't feel like going for a walk, having the window open for half an hour works wonders

Scrolling through Tumblr really helped me get an idea of what Sertraline would be like, so thank you to others who have written about their experiences :) I hope someone finds this post useful too!

#sertraline #depression #depression recovery #recovery #advice

44 notes · View notes

mistymark · 4 years

Text

VIGILANTE/S V

part five // 4.0k words // superpowered!au // (sort of) gang!au // series masterlist

summary; in which you consider yourself somewhat of a vigilante.

warnings; swearing, mentions of death, weapons and killing, gang shit really

notes; this is just a filler bc the whole thing ended up being way too long but !! hope u like anyway <33

One week into living in the warehouse, you’ve got your own routine. You know what times to avoid the bathrooms, you know not to eat Chenle’s cereal – a tip from Donghyuck, who informed you that Chenle once set him on fire for doing just that – you know that Jaemin is the only one who cooks breakfast, and most of the meals eaten in the warehouse are from local takeout stores with shifty delivery guys. You know that 15 pizzas are ordered for one meal – because Jaemin eats at least 5 of them.

“My metabolism is crazy,” he explains to you on your third day there. “I’ll be hungry again in, like, 2 hours.” Mark had laughed and said that was normal for anyone here.

Donghyuck had whispered to you, “Jaemin carries around jellybeans all the time for his blood sugar. If you want to piss him off, call him Jelly Baby.”

You know that every time Jaemin is given an assignment, he brings a girl back to the warehouse, something you’d discovered when you saw Jeno sleeping on the couch in the main room the next day. You know the boy named Renjun doesn’t train, and hardly leaves his room. You know that Donghyuck sometimes snores in his sleep, now that you’re sharing his room, which actually hasn’t been so bad.

Jaehyun had you move in together the day after you met him, and he’d been really nice about it, moving half of his clothes from his wardrobe so you had space, and boxing up most of his stuff to allow more space for your things. He’d even offered to take down his sketches and drawings so you had some wall space. It was a sweet gesture, but you found his posters interesting, so you told him to keep them up.

Doyoung had gone with you to empty out your apartment – not that it had much in it – and convince your landlord to break your lease. “Your landlord has a very weak mind,” he’d said in a monotonous tone, when he was carrying a box to his car, a flashy black thing that certainly did not belong in your neighbourhood at all. The dilapidated, crumbling buildings surrounding you were brown and dirty, the streets grey and filled with potholes, the people who inhabited the area looking just as worn. Doyoung, on the other hand, was clean and sharp, wearing fitted black jeans and a clean white tee. His shoes were almost as shiny as his car, which made you feel slightly self-conscious when you noticed how much he stood out here.

“He’s pretty much given up on life,” you’d agreed, which earned you a smirk from him. It was true, your landlord was a chubby, pot-bellied man who wore nothing but baggy, ill-fitting jeans and old t-shirts with various food stains on them. You’ve never seen him leave the building, and you often wonder if he knows what a shithole the place is.

“I can’t believe you actually lived here,” he looked up at the building, at the brickwork that was being held together by mould rather than concrete, at the wooden window frames that were rotten and splitting apart, at a window that was recently broken, now being blocked by a curtain taped across the panel – at the place you once called home.

Well, not necessarily. It hadn’t felt like home since your dad had died, if you were being truthful.

“You live in a warehouse with criminals,” you reminded him.

“We live in a warehouse with criminals,” he cracked a smile at you, taking the box from your hands and placing it in the boot of his car.

“At least my roommate only kills himself,” you mumbled on the drive back.

“Donghyuck wouldn’t hurt a fly,” Doyoung laughed. “He’d probably kill himself if a fly started a fight with him, just so he wouldn’t have to fight it and win.”

You watched the buildings go by – Doyoung drove slower than the elderly, you were sure – and all the industrial warehouses with cute, bright signs advertising children’s toys and courier services, wondering how many of them were a front for another operation, like Jaehyun’s. “Do you think Donghyuck can die? For real?”

Doyoung was silent for a moment, then, slowly, he said, “We have our speculations. We can’t know for sure, though. And none of us really want to.” You gave a small smile to him, though he was too focused on the road ahead to see it. When you’d first come to the warehouse, you were sure no one liked him, since no one seemed devastated by the fact that he was dead. Now, you knew he was family to them.

“You have a cassette player?” Donghyuck was supposed to be helping you unload your stuff into your now shared room, but he was mostly just being nosy, going through your boxes and not actually putting anything away.

“Uh, yeah,” you throw a glance over your shoulder, seeing Donghyuck sitting on his bed, rifling through one of your boxes. “It was my dad’s.”

He nods, gently putting it on the bed. He doesn’t ask any questions about it, or your family, which you’re grateful for, but it makes you think he doesn’t have any family of his own.

You know Donghyuck is the most open out of all of the team, but you also know not to ask any personal questions.

You know a lot of things after living in the warehouse for a week. You know that Jaehyun drinks tea in the mornings and coffee at night, that Doyoung cannot access Chenle’s mind. You know that Donghyuck is definitely not a morning person, and that he exclusively wears black, as if he’s always ready for a funeral. Maybe that’s exactly the reason; some kind of sick joke surrounding his immortality.

Most importantly, you now know how to survive Johnny’s training sessions. You’ve trained with most of the team, mostly the Shields – Jeno, Jaemin, Mark and Chenle – as their powers manifest physically, and are easier to control, but Johnny has also been helping you use his ability. “You’re smaller and weaker than the rest of the team, and most Shields in general,” he’d said, eyes roaming your body. It was the first time anyone’s ever looked at you like that without making you feel objectified. “If I’m around, my ability may be the difference in whether you win or lose a fight. Try again, and focus on me.” As if you already weren’t.

He’d hunkered down and gestured for you to begin. With the other members around, you could take Johnny down in less than a minute now. Alone, it took you upwards of 10 minutes.

The day you officially move into the warehouse, you’re exempt from training with the Shields, but Donghyuck takes the opportunity to teach you gunmanship.

“I’ve used a gun before, you know,” you say, but after 10 shots you still haven’t managed to hit the target. The firing range isn’t small, located in the basement of the warehouse, which you didn’t even know existed, but you should have been able to at least hit the target once.

He laughs, picks up the gun and nails the target’s centre 5 times in a row, “So have I. Do you want to be able to actually hit your target, though?” The hole in the centre of the target looks about twice the width of the bullet, made from the bullets hitting basically in the same spot each time.

He puts a hand on your shoulder, adjusting the position of your shoulders, then places one on your lower back, adjusting your posture. You’re stiff, and you know it. He clears his throat and steps back, “Go.”

You brace yourself and shoot, the bullet going straight through the target’s stomach.

“Not too bad,” he nods in approval, holding his hand out for the gun and easily changing the clip in three quick motions. He offers the gun back to you, “Again.”

“You sound like Johnny,” you say when you take it from him. You deepen your voice as low as possible to mimic your trainer and the short, efficient way he speaks, “Again. Stop. Go. Try again. Up.”

Donghyuck lets out a loud laugh that immediately brings a smile to your face. “That was amazing.” He sits down and leans back, a hand pressed against his stomach as he laughs, mimicking your imitation. You join him on the floor, resting your back against the wall and leaning over to grab the bag of potato chips he’d brought down with you. “Have you ever shot someone?”

He reaches over and steals a few chips, as if it was the most normal question in the world. But, there’s a slight shake in his voice when he speaks, “Shot? Yes. Killed? No.”

“Who?” He shoots you a sideways glance and you lower your head, “Sorry.” No personal questions.

The heavy stench of awkward silence settles over you. He breaks it, “Johnny.”

You don’t know what to say except, “Shit.”

“Yeah,” he swallows thickly. “It was an accident. Obviously.”

You’re about to ask what happened when you’re interrupted by someone coming down the stairs. Neither of you had bothered to shut the door to the firing range, giving anyone going up or down the stairs a full view of what you were doing. Jaehyun stops when he sees you both, sitting on the floor of the firing range, sharing a bag of potato chips. He doesn’t look at you, focusing on Donghyuck. He clears his throat, “Are you training, Hyuck?”

Donghyuck’s eyes are wide and innocent when he answers, “Teaching Y/n how to shoot.”

Jaehyun’s eyes move from the two of you to the target and back again, but he doesn’t say anything about the lack of holes in it. “Johnny’s ordering Chinese – if you want anything, let him know. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

He continues and you turn to Donghyuck, “Where’s he going?”

“Garage,” Donghyuck says, through a handful of chips. “Do you want the rest of these?” He offers the bag to you. You shake your head.

“What else is down here?”

“Weapons vault, garage, the range,” he answers distractedly, too focused on getting the last of the flavouring from the bag. “The gym…” his voice trails off.

When he’s satisfied that the bag is indeed empty, he stands up, offering his hand out to you to pull you up, “Jaemin takes ten minutes to pick what he wants to eat, so if you have a preference, we should probably tell Johnny now.”

You take his hand and let him pull you up, reaching for the gun that lays on the ground, “Where-?”

“I’ll take it,” he takes it, quickly turning the safety on and reaches around to his back, tucking the weapon into the back of his black jeans.

Your second day of training was with Chenle, in the gym, which looked more like the inside of an asylum than anything. Everything was clean and a pale, almost-white shade of grey, and the entire ceiling was a cloudy glass panel that illuminated the room, giving the room a bright and energetic yet sterile feel. The equipment was state-of-the-art, a dark contrast to the overall lightness to the room, and floor to ceiling mirrors took up two of the walls. There was a stack of clean towels in the corner, and a few televisions across the room, visible from each machine. A smaller version of the Super fight ring was situated at one end of the long room. Yet, the thing that shocked you the most was the bright blue flooring, an odd design choice.

Chenle was the least helpful out of the Shields in the team, watching you train with his ability, critiquing your control and your movements with a stern eye. “Wrong. Try again. Make it hotter this time, or you’ll do no damage.” As if to gloat, he held a hand up, and a dangerous blue flame engulfed it. Your own flame, a measly bright orange, wavered.

The entire time you’d trained with him, he’d done nothing but glare and criticise you. You were sure he hated you, or maybe it was just the fact that he wasn’t the only one who had his ability anymore.

Yet, as he was leaving to eat, he’d nodded in approval at you, “Good. We’ll train together again soon, I’m sure.” It was the most he’d said to you. Actually, if you added up everything he has said to you, it would still be less words than were in that sentence.

Basically, he hadn’t spoken to you much all week.

Jaemin, however, was the opposite, and the person you’d trained with the day after Chenle. If anything, he was too kind and too understanding - he barely helped you.

“It’s okay if you can’t run as fast as me, yet,” he’d assured you with a smile, his hands on your shoulders. His smile was wide and encouraging, his eyes kind, and you instinctively knew he was a heartbreaker. No one with a smile like that has ever been heartbroken, you’d thought. His flirtatious manner was also a dead giveaway.

Your suspicions were only confirmed when he’d been sent on an assignment at the Den, and entered the kitchen the day after looking a little too happy. A girl had snuck out a few minutes later, looking only slightly embarrassed as she tried to pull her shoes on and find the exit at the same time. Jaemin had just stood in the kitchen and smiled at her as he ate his toast, not even bothering to show her out.

“You’ll have to eat a lot tonight,” he informed you at the end of your training. “And make sure you don’t have any training tomorrow morning, because you’ll be out for a while since this is your first time testing your stamina with my ability.”

He was right; you were exhausted after only two hours with him. When you’d told him just that, his smile widened and he winked at you. You laughed and shook your head at him, throwing your towel at him, “I’m going to shower.” He opened his mouth but you shot him a stern look, “Do not ask to join me.”

His easy-going smile remained on his face as he shrugged nonchalantly, “Worth a shot.” He bent down to pick up his drink bottle and began tidying up the gym as you left.

The person that surprised you the most was Jeno. His ability was easy enough to control, since you could control when you wanted the super strength, but he was happy to train you in preparation for your own training with Johnny.

“I guess it’s easy if you can control when you want to use someone’s ability, since your emotions don’t get in the way,” he’d said, as he wound his fist up with tape and gauze. “But if we’re not around, you need to be able to defend yourself with just your, uh, body.”

You nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“Keep a clear head and be logical. Johnny is the only one that can see what you’re about to do, so unless you’re fighting him, think about what you’re doing.” The intense look is back in his eyes when he looks up from his wrapped hands, checking to see if you’re listening, as you haven’t said anything. You can easily see why the others would hate fighting him – he’s smart and he’s dangerous. “If you don’t think, you’ll… you’ll get hurt.” Something in his voice has changed, but it’s gone when he speaks again, “You’re no use if you’re dead.” You quirk an eyebrow at him and he juts his chin up at you, “Hold out your hand.”

You do as he says and he steps forward and begins wrapping your hand delicately. It’s far neater than you’d expected.

“Were you a boxer?”

He lets out a humourless laugh, “No. I’ve just been in a fair few fights.” You try not to react, but he can see what you’re thinking when he looks up. “Relax, most of them walked away just fine.”

“Most?” He doesn’t respond, and you take the hint that he does not want to talk about it.

He’s actually quite a good trainer, you discover, and teaches you the strongest ways to take someone down. He’s less talkative than Jaemin, but his instructions are clear and easy to follow, and at the end of your session, you’re able to do basic sparring with him.

“It’s 6,” he says, looking up at the wall of the gym. Without even a goodbye, he grabs his drink bottle and gym bag, lightly jogging up the steps to head to his room.

That night, you ate dinner with Mark and Jaemin. Well, you ate while they played video games. Jaemin shared a room with Jeno, but you hadn’t seen him since your training session. Empty pizza boxes were stacked by the door, and you counted at least 5. Your own box was sitting beside you on Jeno’s bed, while Jaemin and Mark sat side by side on Jaemin’s bed, their eyes glued to the TV screen that hung on one wall. Their room was a lot more… normal than you’d expected. Donghyuck’s was a giveaway that he was a Super – or a psychopath, either worked – with the blood and the diagrams and the journals and the weapons stacked in boxes around the room.

Jeno and Jaemin��s room was fitted out with their beds, desks, wardrobes, bean bag chairs, an old gaming console and a flatscreen TV. A few movie posters and celebrities were on the wall, and old photos. Only Jaemin had photos, and even so, there were only a few taped to the wall above his bed’s headboard. You couldn’t make out any details from where you were sitting.

Mark’s reflexes were no match for Jaemin’s, and he lost almost every round, making you wonder why he still agreed to play.

“Hey, should I save some of this for Jeno?” You asked, staring at the pizza still remaining in the box. There were only three left, and part of you wondered if it would even be enough. The other part of you thought it would at least be polite to offer.

“Nah, he won’t be back til tomorrow,” Jaemin doesn’t even turn around in his seat, his eyes frantically following his character as it moves across the screen.

“Huh. Okay,” you pick up another slice just as the game ends and Jaemin turns to throw another wide grin at you.

“That means my room’s free for the night, if that’s what you’re wondering.” He laughs at the look of exasperation on your face.

When his attention is away from you again, you say, “Jaehyun sure keeps you guys busy.” There’s only a little bit of bitterness in your voice; you’d been with the team for four days and the only time you’d left was to sort out your apartment. Apparently, you weren’t ready for any assignments yet.

“Huh? Jaehyun has him on an assignment?” Mark’s confusion gets your attention, as he turns to look at Jaemin with a furrowed brow. This was clearly unusual – or, at least, news to him.

Jaemin barely glances at you as he responds, “Nah, he’s visiting his girlfriend.”

“Jeno has a girlfriend?” You ask, only slightly shocked. It wasn’t like you’d thought about their love lives, but you’d just assumed everyone was single. It went with the job description.

“Yeah,” Jaemin nods. “She lives on the other side of the city somewhere. At one of the colleges. He normally goes after trainings on Fridays, since it’s the only night she’s not studying.”

Even without seeing your face, he can sense your surprise.

“Don’t ask him about it, though. He’s very reserved when it comes to her. Doesn’t want any of us to know much about her. I don’t even know her n-”

Mark laughs when he finally manages to kill Jaemin, and Jaemin pouts and rolls his eyes, insisting he was too focused on you to play. “You’re such a baby,” Mark laughs louder, and Jaemin swats at him. His hand moves so fast you barely even see it hit Mark’s arm. “Ow! Dude!”

“One more game, come on,” Jaemin insists, turning back to the screen. Then he raises his voice, “Anyway, Y/n, he won’t even tell us her name, let alone anything else about her. So don’t bring it up.”

“Or he’ll literally chokeslam you,” Mark adds, which, for some reason, makes them both laugh loudly.

You nod, despite the fact they can’t see you, and go back to eating your pizza, “I’ve got next game!”

Mark sighs in relief, “Gladly.” Jaemin’s competitiveness was beginning to wear him out.

The following day, Mark taught you the basics of shape shifting. He was the latest addition to the team – other than you – and his control was even worse than yours. “Shape shifting is really difficult,” he giggled, nervously. “If you’re not 100% imagining what you want to be, you’ll turn into something way different. But don’t panic, it will restrict your ability to change back.”

Over the course of the day, you’d shifted into birds, mice, elephants, leopards, any creature you could think of. Though, you had humiliated yourself when he went to get snacks during your break, greeting and talking to the large dog that came trotting down the stairs, as if it were Mark.

“What are you doing?” He’d laughed when he walked back into the gym, snacks in hand.

You’d been at a loss for words, your cheeks immediately becoming inflamed. “I- I thought that was you,” you pointed at the dog, which was panting as it sat down on the stack of towels in the corner of the room.

“That’s Bruce, Renjun’s dog,” Mark explained, tossing you a can of iced coffee. “Don’t tell Jaemin you drank his coffee.”

You paused, the opened can raised to your lips. You lowered it, slightly, “Why does Jaemin need coffee if he already operates at like 10 times the speed we do?”

“For after he crashes,” Mark shrugs. “Sometimes speed isn’t everything.” He laughs at his own joke, “If he doesn’t sleep enough, he’ll still be exhausted. Sometimes he can’t afford to sleep more than 12 hours, so he relies on coffee.” He cocks his head to the side as he examines his can.

Later, when you’re sitting on the floor after successfully shapeshifting into cockroaches, you ask, “Have you ever tried turning into other people? Can you do that?”

“Yes, but – I really have to know what the person looks like. Like, I can imagine a dog and turn into a dog because any small details that I remember incorrectly will go unnoticed by a human,” he gulps down his cola. “Humans are more complex – one small detail could make me look totally different to the person I’m trying to copy.”

“Change into me, then,” you sit up straighter. “If you can see me, surely you won’t have to rely on your memory, right?”

He shrugs and locks his eyes onto you. You’d seen him transfer from human to horse, from sheep to frog, but somehow seeing him change from himself to you was more disturbing. His skin ripples and his bones make disturbing popping noises as they change, and you wonder if it hurts, even though you had shape shifted multiple times and knew it didn’t hurt at all.

Within a few seconds, right before your eyes… is you. “Hello,” he says in your voice.

“Okay, fuck that, change back,” you tell him, looking away. “That’s so creepy. Brilliant, but creepy.”

When he laughs, it sounds like him again, and you let your eyes drift back to where was sitting. He smiles, and his eyes crinkle at the corners. His eyes, not your own.

You could have so much fun with this ability, reminding yourself to try it on Donghyuck later.

You tell Mark this as he tosses a piece of popcorn into his mouth, and you both stretch out on the gym floor, laughing at all the pranks you could easily pull on the other members of the team.

258 notes · View notes

ajokeformur-ray · 3 years

Note

Hey can I get some headcanons of your relationship with your F/O parents bc y’all are such a cute family dynamic and I wanna hear more about how you all interact🥰💗

and @arianatheangelworld

asdfghjkl; omgggg~ you’re all gonna kill me asghj 🥺😭😭thank you darlings omggg ~ 🥰🥰🥰💗 I hope that you all enjoy this, it’s always so bittersweet but also so comforting and fun to explore my dynamic with my parental F/Os and, well... isn’t that the point of it all?💖 Thank you thank you thank you for supporting and enabling me omggg ~ 💙😊

Word count: 3, 184 (holy shit I am so sorry... not😂)

It’s a quiet life, but there’s lots of underlying tensions beneath it all.

By quiet, I mean because I spend my days in my bedroom studying (not so far from reality, these relationships😂) but there are underlying tensions because no one in the household knows who Edward Hyde really is - it’s a secret between my parents and I.

What that means is that it’s tricky for Papa and myself to spend time with one another if other members of the household are awake - as far as they are concerned, Father is my parent and so is Mama, and Papa has no part in that. So as you can imagine, questions would be raised if Papa and I are caught spending too much time together (plus, this is set in the Victorian Era, so you can imagine the scandal of an unmarried twenty-three year old woman spending lots of time alone in a room, unchaperoned, with a man old enough to be her father...)

This is why Papa and I only have our time together late into the night, when said members of the household have gone to bed and it’s only my parents and I who are awake. It’s safer for all of us that way - it protects Father and his name, his reputation and his career, which in turn protects the household members from being turned out onto the streets due to a lack of employment and this in turn protects Father’s family, who always come first.

From the moment I wake up, my parents are there. As you’ve probably gathered from previous posts, I sleep with my parents a lot so it isn’t unusual for me to wake up with one of them. Rare and special occasions mean that I get to wake up with Mama and either Father or Papa.

Mama’s always up by five in the morning or she’ll fall behind on her chores so if she’s the one I slept with in the night, then I’ll get up when she does. She always insists that I go back to bed and that I go to sleep, but I rarely do. I much prefer to have those early hours with her so that I can help her with her chores and maybe, if I’m very lucky... I’ll get to be the one who takes Father his breakfast tray so that I get to see him early in the morning and so that I can crawl into his bed and get me some extra cuddles before I start my day.

If I sleep in with Father, then the opposite happens and I’m woken up when he gets brought his breakfast tray (7 AM on the dot!), and of course I end up getting up when he does because even though he won’t kick me out of his bed, he also knows that if he leaves me to my own devices in a soft, warm bed, I’ll end up falling asleep until noon and then I’ll beat myself up about it, so he makes sure I am awake and up before he’s done with his breakfast (and if Mama knows I slept in with Father, she’ll bring me some breakfast too!) to save me any emotional distress.

Father always wakes me up gently... up until a certain point. He will shake me gently while saying my name, which usually gets a sleepy groan from me. Then, it’s onto talking, with his voice going from a whisper and increasing in volume until he’s just above his normal speaking level. He never raises his voice at me and we all know why. If that doesn’t work, then Father will just “accidentally” pull the covers off of me. He isn’t subtle, but he also isn’t mean about it, and if I do genuinely need some more sleep, then he will let me have that. But for the most part, he makes sure that I’m up once he is on the nights I’m in his bed.

I never ever get to wake up with Papa. It just doesn’t happen for various reasons. Firstly, because Papa’s constantly moving around like a lion stuck in a cage and he loves me dearly but not enough to stay in one place for more than a few hours unless he’s already sleeping. Secondly, because he can’t be caught in my bed or vice versa by anyone other than Mama to protect Father’s name etc. Thirdly, I may wake up to Papa crawling into my bed or easing himself in his own if I fell asleep in his bed, but I don’t ever get to start my day with Papa. Our time is night time and that has to be non-negotiable. It does upset me if I wake up in an especially needy mood, but Father and Mama will get me through the day in the meantime.

Mama likes to sneak me items of Papa’s or Father’s clothing to wear when I go to bed. She’s not supposed to but Mama is sleight of hand and I can be quick when I need to be. She and I often have silent conversations in a crowded room and all it takes is for Mama to “accidentally” make a noise, like a quick scuffing of her boot on the floor or for her knuckles to make a noise against the wooden table and I just look at her. Mama catches my eye and then gives me A Look before she turns back to her ironing. I walk past and at the point where our lower bodies are hidden by the ironing board, she stuffs an unironed shirt in my hand (usually Papa’s) and I walk off, the shirt stowed away under my arm and then placed for safe-keeps under my pillow for the night time. Sometimes it might be one of her night-dresses, but I am comfier in either Papa or Father’s clothes.

There are so many secrets between myself and my parents which are kept from the other members of the household. Between all three of us, we manage it as best as we can, though I have no doubt that the others think we're a little odd. 😊

There are periods which are weeks long where Father is so busy in his laboratory that no one sees him. It's communication .via. letters on the stairs and that's all anyone hears from him. Mama and I worry immensely but Father's always been this way and all we can do is be patient and wait for him. He's a workaholic and he often makes himself sick from all of the working and everyone in the household knows what to do when these times arise, which are getting more frequent as Father gets older.

In especially bad times, even Mama won't be able to get through to Father. I get upset if that's the case, because if he shuts away the one person he loves above all else, it's a serious warning sign. Mama and I have a pact that if she can't get through, then I will. Father is always so protective of me, and now it's my turn to protect him. I take this very seriously, understandably so, and I wait up until two or three in the morning, so late that even Mama's gone to bed and is sleeping. I wait in his study for that time, reading one of his old medical journals, and then I go downstairs, out the back door, and into the laboratory.

It's freezing in there because there's where Father used to carry out dissections and lectures back before his illness (never canonically diagnosed but it's believed to be depression or similar) got worse, so I always take him his old smoking jacket (which doubles as my blanket when I take naps in his study). By this time in the night, Father will be so tired and sleep-deprived that he's more likely to be honest with me, and it's for this reason that I also stayed up so late - Father will assume I'm unable to sleep because I'm so worried about him, and while that's true, it's also because I know him well enough to know what time of night is best for an intervention. Yes, it's slightly manipulative on my end of things, but I am my Papa's daughter and it's with good intentions so I don't linger on this thought for too long. It won't do me any good and my Father's most important. I'd do anything for him.

I find Father where I knew he would be - scribbling in a journal by candlelight, his fingers covered in ink, his hair a mess, yawning every few seconds. A cold plate of mutton is left forgotten by his elbow, only half eaten. I'm just like him when I study so I don't lecture my Father on his bad eating habits -he and I have the same work ethic so I would be a hypocrite to tell him off for something he usually tells me off for. I announce myself by putting his smoking jacket over his shoulders. Father pulls the jacket around himself with a shiver and I smile. You're welcome.

"You should be in bed, Erika." Father frowns in disapproval and I almost want to call him out on his hypocrisy.

"So should you," My tone is sharp with worry and frustration and Father takes a moment to look at me - I never speak to him like this. "Mama's really worried about you. So am I. We haven't seen Papa for weeks, and we - " Just like always, my anger turns to upset and I move away, trying not to cry.

"Erika." I turn back to my Father and I see that he has tears in his eyes, too. He's hurting and even though he's been trying to find a cure for years, he's never been able to find one which really helps him. "I am sorry, I - my work, it is. Well, let's not discuss the details." A pause. Neither of us know what to do, even when there is no one to see or hear us. "Come here." He pats his lap and I make a happy noise, which makes him smile. I love sitting on my Father's lap - it's been something I've done ever since I was a child and it always makes me feel so safe.

I go and I sit on my Father's lap (and have a quiet cry - he knows but he doesn't say anything about it because he doesn't want to embarrass me) and he continues to work, but as the hours drag on and we both get increasingly tired, Father knows that the time for working is over. On these nights when I manage to find my Father in his own mind and pull him back with just my presence (and my very existence is a reminder of what he holds most dear), I also spend the night in his bed.

"Thank you, Erika, for..." Father trails off, but I know what he's saying to me.

I snuggle into his bed, feel my Father kiss my forehead and whisper his love, and then I sleep.

The night is half the battle - getting Father to take a break tomorrow morning will be an even bigger battle, but by then Mama will be awake and we'll work together to save Father from himself.

It's not the first or the last time, but all of us in the family have our Own Moments which require special attentions and solutions, and we love each other even harder during those times.

The reunion with Papa after getting Father to take a break from his weeks of working always makes me cry, too.

Over the years, it's become almost a... tradition, of sorts, for Papa to greet me this way after a long separation.

I could be doing anything - reading in Father's study, writing in my bed, studying at my desk - and all of a sudden, out of nowhere -

"Erika."

Whispered so casually, so quietly, but my entire body freezes. I know that voice anywhere. I drop whatever I'm doing, I tear up, and I turn, slowly...

Papa's smirking at me, a cold and calculative look in his eyes, but I'm not afraid. I'm not even nervous. Anyone else would make me step back with this look, but not Papa. No.

"Oh, my - Papa!" I step forward into his embrace and I melt into the parent I've been missing most of all. I cry, of course I do, and Papa says nothing about it (he and Father aren't so different at all, once you get to know them, though I'd never tell them that. Or Mama. It's a thought I keep entirely to myself.) because he doesn't see why he should need to; he only holds me tighter.

I can almost hear his fond eye roll and it makes me smile.

"It's difficult to understand someone who is entirely incapable of asking for what he most wants, wouldn't you agree? You're the only one he listens to," our daughter.

There is pride in Papa's voice but just like always, I can hear what he doesn't say, just as he hears what I don't say. It's just how it is between us; Papa and I have a level of understanding between us which we don't have with anyone else.

That night, Papa sleeps in my bed with me. I'm never ready to say goodbye to him, or goodnight, either. The following conversation is a nightly ritual because of this:

"Just five more minutes, Papa?"

"I'll be here tomorrow night. you know that. Sleep, child."

"But - "

"Erika."

A warning. No one else receives warnings from the Edward Hyde and lives to tell the tale. So I listen.

"Fine." I know he will be with me tomorrow night. "Stay with me 'til I fall asleep?"

Papa sighs, rolls his eyes, and pointedly lays down, watching me the whole time. I couldn't hide my smile if I tried, so I don't even bother to - Papa taught me to show my emotions and to not hide them.

"Goodnight, Erika."

"'Night, Papa. Love you."

A kiss on the top of my head, and all else fades to black.

My parents and I are very physically affectionate with one another and it's... unusual, especially if you consider the fact that it's in the Victorian Era, but the members of the household find it touching. They get hugs and affection, too! Even if they don't necessarily know how to react to it, they still do get their hugs in the morning and late at night just before they all go to bed (which is between 10 and 11, whereas I go to bed anywhere from midnight to 3 AM).

If I have a nightmare or a bad dream, I am at total liberty to climb into any bed in the house, but of course I make a beeline typically for Mama's bed. She knows nightmares well and she'll simply hold me until I feel safe, and then she'll hold me some more because I get clingy and I don't like letting go. There's been times I've cried because she let me go before I was ready for the cuddle to be over (though those times were when I was much younger) so now she just lets me decide for myself when I've had enough.

With the way I sleep with my hair in two braids, I always get a mass of tangles at the back of my head. Always. I hate it and it always makes me hesitant to brush my hair, which is now midway down my back (so I can’t not brush my hair every day), because I know it’s gonna hurt me. I’ll brush the front parts of my hair and I’ll try to brush the knots out, but it hurts so I stop and I don’t want to brush my hair.

A part of me is always tempted to just leave it, but at the same time I know from previous experience that hair knots can and will get worse, so during these times I’ll take my brush to Mama. She’s always so gentle, not just with me, but also just in her nature.

She is such a tender-hearted person and I admire her so deeply for that. She’s incredibly busy so typically I’ll leave brushing my hair until the evening, when she has more time to help me. I don’t always ask her for help with my hair, so when I do, she knows immediately that it’s because I really can’t do it myself.

“Mama, there’s a - I have a knot. Can you help me?”

A small smile and she goes to get her wooden comb. It’s gentler on knots than my own hairbrush, which pulls more than it needs to, and we both know it. Mama is so gentle that it barely hurts me, and within minutes she’s done what I’ve delayed all day.

“How do you want it tonight, Erika? One braid or two?”

I fondly roll my eyes - like she needs to ask. My smile is in my voice as I ask for two, and Mama and I get to spend some time with one another quietly enjoying each other’s company.

Sometimes I return the favour by helping her brush out her hair, but she’s incredibly self-sufficient and she largely prefers to do it herself. Which is fine... I’ll find other ways to help her!😊

“Thank you, Mama.” My words are doubled up with a tight hug, and then I’m ushered off to bed because it’s late and she’s exhausted.

I technically have three parents and each one fulfills a different need for me, so all together, they meet all of my needs and I try, I try to be a daughter that they can be proud of, that they can respect and that they can love unconditionally. I try so hard every day to live in a way to honour their places in my life.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for my parents. I would die for my parents, to give them a happy ending, to give them the time to be together, but in many ways... I am that happy ending, even if things aren't perfect. It's a fight sometimes to keep secrets exactly that, but we make it work. We have to.

I tell them each and every day that I love them, I hug them and cuddle them and help them out where I can, because they deserve the world.

They are my parents and I am very grateful to and for them. They have made me who I am today and they'll be with me forever, no matter where I go or what I do or who I become. I just hope that they'll continue to walk with me for the rest of my life, because I wouldn't be alive without them... in more ways than one.

#loveletterstoledger #self-shipping #mary reilly #parental f/os #I'M CRYING OMG😭#this is OKAY TO REBLOG

10 notes · View notes

c-c-cherry · 4 years

Note

I saw this hc on insta from kerbabbles, and it's abt Zeppeli being Jonababy's father figure (bc George might've messed him up bad bc he was rly strict with jona) so I was wondering if you have any hcs for this hc. Do ya?

Hello!! I’d never seen this artist before when this popped up in my ask box so I checked them out and HHHHGGGNNNN OH MY GOD I’ve gotten a taste of glory that I’m probably never going to get again because part one is horrendously underwritten but Jesus it was an idea that I’d never even thought of but now I can never live without itjjfhgjkghf

I am now a firm believer now that the reason Jonathan punched toxic masculinity down like a sack of potatoes is because of William Anthonio Zeppeli. This man builty his confidence up so much compared to living with Dio for years AND SHOWED HIM THE LOVE HE DESERVES

So you know what I WILL do? Make some wholesome headcanons because I need to dump my thoughts on this matter somewhere. And because Jonathan Joestar needs a gentle parental figure, too :)

(Go check out Kerbabbles on Instagram! They’ve got that good wholesome shit and inspired this ask and this post!)

Alright without further ado:

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

Zeppeli learns by the second training day that raising his voice is a big no-no

-He hasn’t known Jojo for long, but training for the first time is rough

-There’s a lot of methods to Hamon training, especially when you’re first training someone, and he learns pretty quickly that the calm and collected route is the way to go with our boy Jojo

-The moment he starts to raise his voice, even if its out of praise, he can see Jonathan completely stiffen and lose all focus that he initially had

-Jojo just keeps vigorously apologizing each time he’s done it and almost braces himself to get yelled at again

-He refuses to talk about why he reacts this way and Will ain’t gonna lie,,,that shit’s kinda concerning ;-;

-But he makes due with it and makes sure to be chill with praise and criticism alike :)

Jonathan’s perfectionism is surprisingly extremely high

-A bit of a flaw with Jonathan is that he’s not only very wary of things he isn’t perfect at, but he also gets impossibly frustrated when he can’t do them perfectly from the beginning >:(

-He’s like one of those sweet, soft people that could never raise their voice to people they love but get so angry with themselves that they just end up glaring really hard at the ground until they start crying out of pure frustration

-George Joestar fucked him up in that sense

-He was always raised to be perfect at everything he did, and when he wasn’t he would be forced to keep on going until he could or deprive him of things when he couldn’t

-Because of Dio humiliating him at every mistake he made as they were growing up, he’s just fucking terrified of failing in front of other people

-He’ll screw something up and get ready for a barrage of insults only for Will to be like “its okay, just try again”

-It gets to the point where he starts thinking that if he hasn’t disappointed Zeppeli yet, he’s bound to at some point and starts being the one who’s actually the hardest on himself

-When he messes something up, he’ll go without dinner because his logic is ‘if I don’t punish myself then he will and that’s even more shameful’

-It starts to get noticeable and in the end Will is practically shoving a soup bowl into his hand like “son you need to eat” and Jojo is so fucking confused because he didn’t do anything right so how could he possibly earn it?

-It ends up with the two of them arguing over it while Speedwagon and Poco are just sitting there like ;_;

“I don’t need this. I haven’t earned it.”

“You’ve been training all day! Of course, you’ve earned it!”

“I haven’t done a single thing right today! I shouldn’t—”

“You need to eat to keep your strength up.”

“But I don’t—”

“You don’t what?”

“I don’t—deserve it!”

“Who said you didn’t deserve it?”

-And the moment he says that, Jojo gets this look on his face and Zeppeli’s internally like shit fuck and Jonathan absolutely crumbles

-His mind goes back to all those nights growing up that he didn’t earn or deserve dinner that night because he couldn’t master whatever skill George wanted and Dio could do

-Because of course he needs to be punished for being bad and messing up, its the only way he can learn

-Because what other way was there?

“...”

“...you always deserve it.”

-There. Are. Tears.

-Jonathan slurps up his soup like a good boy and THERE ARE TEARS

-And he eats his dinner that night knowing he does deserve it (because Will and Speedwagon won’t stop reminding him <3 )

Speedwagon is asthmatic (and Zeppeli figures this out the hard way)

-He’s always wondered why Speedwagon is basically incapable of learning Hamon because the man seems to have a lot of skill in combat and even more in resilience

-Speedy doesn’t really seem to know either but he said he’s just awful at controlling stuff like his breathing so that must be why

-Will just thinks he’s over-exaggerating for the most part

-Until one really chilly night he wakes up to someone gasping for air

-He creeps over and realizes its Speedwagon and tries to get him to regulate but he just keeps gasping that he can’t

-He thinks its a panic attack of some sort and tries to reassure him that he can and it's alright but it doesn’t help and he comes to the realization that Speedwagon literally cannot breathe

-He props our boy Speedy up and and rubs his back to help him actually fuckin’ breathe and does some cool Hamon ripple shit and JONATHAN AND POCO SOMEHOW ARE JUST ABLE TO SLEEP THROUGH THIS

-After coughing a significant amount, he’s finally stabilized and Will’s like “bro what the fuck was that” because Speedy just seems absolutely cool with it

-”Oh, I told you I couldn’t breathe sometimes, didn’t I?”

-Hggnnn he didn’t think the man meant it literally

-He can’t really teach him Hamon, but he does the next best thing: use his Hamon to protect his homie :)

The king of keeping calm >:)

-Yes he is the calm dad friend. Yes he will use this to his advantage

-Sometimes Jojo gets too worked up about everything and focuses so hard on breathing that he forgets how to breathe entirely and our man is there to help

-Breathing exercises? Yeah. Meditating? Hell yeah. Sometimes just being the one to hug you and say that everything is going to be okay? MEGA HELL YEAH.

-Between:

Speedwagon: a known freak-outer

Jonathan: who’s been living in the Joestar mansion his entire life and doesn’t have a shred of street smarts

And a literal CHILD

he needs to be doing damage control all the damn time

The dad energy is impeccable

-He was a father, after all. He’s good at what he does

-BEST HUGS HANDS DOWN. Just looking at this man gives off good hug vibes :)

-Is the oldest and most experienced in the group and is always down to drop some sick wisdom

-The dad ‘stache

-Jonathan laments about the looming Dio confrontation a lot and doesn’t sleep as much as he should, but Will is always there to stay up with him

-George never had time to talk about things like feelings, but Jonathan notices that Zeppeli actually...wants to?

-Will claims it’s good for your lungs to get stuff off your chest, but Jonathan is really taken aback when the man starts asking him about how he’s feeling and why

-Before he knows it he’s spilling over and telling him EVERYTHING

-Good cry. Good hugs. Good, cathartic time

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

As if I thought I couldn’t get anymore feral with my headcanons. This takes the fucking cake, I think. I’m so feral for phantom blood found family now you don’t even KNOW

Thanks for bearing with me. My ask box is open if you have some good ol’ headcanon questions (or if you just wanna come say hi hehe <3)

#jjba #jjba headcanons #ask-c-c-cherry #jonathan joestar #jojos's bizarre adventure #speedwagon #will zeppeli #phantom blood

34 notes · View notes

whump-princess · 4 years

Text

Birthday whump✨

In honor of my 20th birthday, I’m sharing with you all some birthday whump! Hear me out, okay? Just think...

🖤The caretaker singing Happy Birthday to the whumpee like a lullaby, cuddling them close, petting their head. Their in captivity but the caretaker hasn't forgotten their birthday.

🖤Or the whumpee hugging themselves, curled up in the corner of their cell, quietly singing a happy birthday song to themselves like it’s a secret, tears breaking apart their voice. It’s that special birthday song that only caretaker used to sing to them.

🖤The whumper helps their captive whumpee celebrate their birthday, bringing them a cake and gifts.

🖤Poison cake that makes them sick? Or hears a creative one, cake with glass as a filling. The whumpee takes a bite and they feel the shards slice up their tongue and pierce their gums they spit it out and it’s a bloody mess. Uh oh! Did they swallow some already?

🖤Do they get to blow out the candles and what do they wish for? Freedom? The sweet release of death? Their caretakers freedom?

🖤What gifts do they get? More torture devices for the whumper to use on them? An extra special b-day beating and lashes? (Getting whipped for each year, how thoughtful!) Maybe their gift is freedom… Hahaha jk!!!

🖤The whumpee breaking down and crying. It’s their birthday, their birthday was always so much fun. Their family/ caretaker/ partner always threw them a party even though they said they never wanted one. They always had a homemade strawberry cake with ice cream. They would always blow out the candles and wish for the same thing; another prosperous, happy year. But that wish didn’t come true this year. They realize how much they took for granted. Now they have nothing.

🖤The whumper thinks their crying over their gifts and cake or they haven’t said “thank you” and praised them yet. They get upset like “look at all I've done for you! This is all for you!! Aren't you happy?! You're so ungrateful! How dare you!!” and proceeds to hurt them, cut them with the cake cutting knife (with the frosting on it and all), smashing the cake or throwing it at them (ya know cuz it’s sticky, and they would haut have to sit there with no way to clean it off. I mean, so much dirt and grime would stick to them lol) throw them back into their cell/cage.

🖤Literally being cut like a piece of cake. Like “your so sweet, just like a piece of cake, I could just cut you up and eat you!” lol or something like that, but let’s not get into cannibalism. Like just a big chunk out the leg like a slice of cake (would also mostly kill them bc they would bleed out, it would not be able to heal right without surgery and medication.) or ya know big slashes from one of those sharp, teethed cake cutting knives.

🖤And imagine this one!! The whumpee is kept in a dark room, like a basement, perhaps in a cage or cell, tied up/ chained up, whatever. They don't know what day it is, but the whumper does. They hear heavy footsteps across the ceiling above them, drawing near outside the door, whistling to the tune of ‘happy birthday.” The whumpee’s heart starts to pound. This happened every time when they knew the whumper was coming, it was never a pleasant visit. It feels like the captors hands are already around their throat, their lungs can’t get enough air. The door swings open and light spills in down the old wooden stairs. They watch the whumper appear as they slowly make their way down the stairs, twirling a knife, dragging a bat behind them, letting it hit each step with a loud “thump” on the way down. The whumper begins to sing “Happy Birthday” and it’s just the most horrible, spine chilling sound for the whumpee (even better if the whumper has a really smooth, calm voice) The whumper doesn’t really wish them happy birthday. They hope they have a horrendously painful birthday and they plan to make it so. The Whumpee’s birthday will never be the same.

🖤Pet whumpees getting a big, extravagant party where all the whumpees friends gives them gifts of fancy collars, leashes, outfits, whips and other punishment devices. They get a full meal and even cake. All the other fancy rich whumpers feeding them cookies and cakes and treats like their dog. At first pet is excited that they get to celebrate their birthday… but to be honest, it’s more about their master showing off their pets than it is about them. They get to stand around be fawned over, played with and touched, they still have to obey and be a good little birthday boy/girl. They’re just being displayed and paraded around, and they realize this. None of those gifts were anything they would directly use or there for really enjoy. It was things to cause them pain, to humiliate them, but it didn’t matter if they enjoyed them or not; their purpose is to make their masters happy and serve them. They're still just a toy.

🖤The whumper telling the whumpee it’s their birthday and they realize they have been in captivity for much longer than they thought.

🖤And my favorite!! Whumper brings whumpee a very special birthday surprise; Caretaker. It could go like this: “I’ve brought you a very special surprise for my birthday boy/ girl!” The whumper chimes. The whumpee is just like “oh, great. A new knife? A cattle prod?” The whumper leaves and comes back dragging someone by the chains connecting their wrists across the floor like a sack of flour. The whumper tossed them down in front of the cell, and they just lay there without any kind of fight. Whumpee almost thought the person was dead if they didn’t see the shallow rise and fall of their chest. Peeking out from under the dirty oversized tee shirt, they could tell their emaciated body was littered with bruises and caked with grime, they looked even worse off than them. This was their gift? Who was this poor person? “Surprise! Aren’t you happy?” The whumper questions, pushing locks of matted hair out from the frail little person's face, revealing their identity to the whumpee. The prisoner gasps moving up to press themselves against the bars. It’s caretaker. Their beloved caretaker is right in front of them and at first they didn’t even realize. They don’t look the same as they remember. They look cold and broken. “I’ve been preparing this gift for quite awhile now!”

🖤The whumpee had a bad experience with their birthday long ago (like they got whumped real good for their birthday). They don't celebrate it and explain this to their friends and their partner/ caretaker time and time again but their partner insists they have a party. They come home after having to hear “happy birthday” all day, forcing themselves to smile instead of cry, having to accept everyone's gifts and treats instead of running away. Of course they were thankful but it reminded them of that day… “Happy birthday,” huh? They would never have one of those again. Thinking they made it through the day, it's finally over, they can come home to their cozy little house and cuddle up to their partner and hope they don’t say anything about their birthday. Just a quiet night, just the two of them. Upon unlocking and opening the door they are bombarded with confetti and balloons. “Surprise!!” Their family and friends gather all around them and once again they have to force themselves to smile. All night they’re fighting tears, having flashbacks that drag them away from all their friends and family around them. They tried to repress all those memories, the ones that make them feel claustrophobic, but they’re having a hard time ignoring them. They can’t escape them now. They’re spiraling deeper and deeper into their own little world they created, filled with darkness where no one can see them, where they are safe. They sit on the couch with a drink in their hand. Spacing out, left behind, they’re almost invisible. Even in this dark little world of theirs, they hear someone calling their name. They don’t answer, they can’t. They’ve barely drunken anything but they’re shaking, they’re pale, beads of sweat clinging onto their skin. Someone’s calling their name. The music is loud, too loud, too many people, all having fun, laughing, dancing, drinking. The bright lights. It’s all too much. Someone places a hand on their shoulder, calling their name once again. Whumpee lashes out shoving the person with the strength of all their cooped up hurt and anger and fear. They snap. Their partner stumbles back into the crowd. They can’t breath as if their being choked. “Shut up! Stop! Everyone just shut up!” Their holding their head like it’s going to explode pulling on their hair. The music quiets, everyone stops dancing and laughing, the room freezes. Everyone watches in horror and confusion as the whumpee mumbles nonsense under their breath. Their tries to approach them again and the whumpee backs away. “I told you I didn’t want this, any of this!” They yell, tears streaming down over the apples of their cheeks. “I told you and you didn’t listen! You did this for you, not for me! You just don’t understand!” They run off to their room or whatever. (Angst to the max.) Their partner is left to clean up the mess and send everyone home, feeling awful for putting whumpee through so much. They knew something horrible happened on whumpees birthday many years ago, that they had some unresolved trauma, but they never imagined it was that bad. They never really knew what happened to whumpee that day.

🖤What about the whumpers bday? Maybe they make the whumpee sing them “happy birthday.” Or they have to sing it while being tortured and get hurt more if they mess up or stop singing. (This would be so much fun for the resistant type whumpee!)

🖤The pet whumpee who tries to do something special for their master. Maybe they end up just fucking shit up and gets in trouble.

🖤The new whumper who is given a pet for their bday. (In a pretty box and everything.)

Sorry for the long post! Happy bday to me tho and to all your whumpees 💕🎁🎉💖🎂🧁

#whumpe tropes #whump prompts #whump trope #whump blog #whumplr #whump community #whumpee #whumper #whump prompt #whump #whump scenario #whump story #writing #writing prompt #birthday Whump

389 notes · View notes