#And I think trying to split it up between 20-30 people would be TOO chaotic

[ihaventsleptinweekz]

Guys.

#OK so I REALLY want to sign this song for our annual signing thingy. #I have FOUR MONTHS of preparation and would need approximately 4-6 other people to help #I would also probably need to split the song up A LOT between the lot of us #I coulddd make it a class effort but then I'd have to share the spotlight lmao. #And I think trying to split it up between 20-30 people would be TOO chaotic #It's just so much to think about #Kind fun tho. Don't wanna go out easy #insomniac ramblez

[tabletopjourneys]

Session 39 Notes

(Skipping ahead so last session notes are in time for a quick read before next session) The Silver Scale Pack split up: While group A confronts The Superb Owl one last time, group B falls for a cryptid and gets teleported to the other side of Bouldergap from their recon mission. Plus: Shopping. Again. lol.

@gher-bear​ @aradow​ @telurin​ @epimetala

On this day The Silver Scale Pack's split missions get critical. Diem and Ixayl'anu have to battle it out with the The Superb Owl and her mob of charmed Bouldergap citizens.

Ultimately they win by deceit and successfully chase The Superb Owl off, back to The Iron Heights (mountains) without any loss of life or nonconsensual fey abductions.

The Bouldergap citizens are pretty grateful once the distance shakes off the last vestiges of charm and begin getting back to their lives, cleaning up the mess of a spontaneous tournament, and finding/checking on loved ones lost in the crowd and/or forgotten in their bespelled states.

In other words, nobody we know of is angry at us for chasing off the pretty owl. They're all pretty aware it was a spell that made them love and admire her so much.

Meanwhile, group B meet one of the near-mythical cryptids called a ropen up close. This one seems to be super ancient and magically potent with decorative colorful jewelry and tattoos that commonly get mistaken for "colorful plumage" in the rare (and doubted) accounts of sightings.

When first attempting to communicate the ropen (accidentally?) deals 3 psychic damage to the safety-bubbled forms of Rana and Fee. It sounds like the angels from Supernatural. Once it corrects this, it's voice still holds tangible power and sounds like an ancient being of immense power speaking to children.

It tells them both they are not safe here and that they have the situation contained and are handling it. Then puts them both to sleep and sends them safely to the other side of Bouldergap out into a field where they wake up about an hour later.

Just in time to hear Diem communicate through the stone that the owl has been handled.

The pack reunites and reports everything to Lawmaster Eldeth. They agree to gather in the morning for another trip out to Stoneroost with the help of two guards.

Their free night until then is spent shopping for gems and supplies. Afterward, Rana and Fee play a training game with their ratties and chill in the Temple of V'kandis until they wake there in the morning and procure another helper for the trip out in the form of a dwarven priestess who offers her healing skills in exchange for being able to check in on her family in Stoneroost.

Ixayl'anu spent the night in the stables with her newly resummoned elk. Diem went off to find and presumably spent the night with the other disguise-loving storyteller The Superb Owl had suggested they have a nice chat with.

(Read More)

(At Least Group A is Safely in Town…Right?)

The Superb Owl: Capture them! (80 ft reach command)

Initiative order starts with Ixayl’anu and then Diem; Ixayl’anu goes first and casts moonbeam on the Superb Owl (it really is a fey owl; though a typo does turn her into the super bowl instead. Just a thought.). Ixayl’anu then runs her 30ft south along the fence.

Diem has to run to catch up as Ixayl’anu shoots past them. “Fly, Ixayl’anu!”. They cast fly on them both as soon as they manage to catch up to her in about 30ft.

5 villagers jump the fence to try and grab us.

One guy across fence to her right manages to grab Ixayl’anu and yank her a little off balance and out of the reach of the guy coming straight at her who’d jumped the southern fence to follow the owl’s orders.

Two guys of three more guys who also jumped the southern fence manage to grab me - one to each arm.

The Superb Owl not only takes half damage from a save (8dmg) by staring her turn in moonbeam, she actually pretends she created the moonbeam as an awe-inspiring spotlight for attention. She spreads her wings and flies straight up in it, showboating a little, and says, in an enunciating announcer voice: Bring them to me and I will deal with the heretics!

Practically everyone near the owl by the northern gate of the square arena and out in an oval of about 40 ft east and west is gazing in star-struck admiration at the owl.

Ixayl’anu struggles to get loose and succeeds her strength check, gets loose and flies 30 ft up and 30 ft east.

Diem uses fey presence to go all Galadriel-style-you-would-have-a-dark-queen visage and voice to inspire fear (16 wis check): Not me you fools!

This works on four out of five of the guys around them, but the one who resists just happens to be one of the guys holding on to them, who actually tightens his grip in half panic as Diem tries to fly away with him still attached (contested strength check failed). They only succeed in lifting him a few feet off the ground.

Diem to Ixayl’anu: Get out of here, go get the others!

A new guy enters the area from the south gate and helps the first pull me back down to the ground as those other four continue to cower a few feet back from me.

The owl takes 4 dmg starting in moonbeam again and doesn’t care, the barely-felt pain is worth the extra awe-inspiring beauty of her spotlight. She is hovering there at about the same height as Ixayl’anu (about 30ft off the ground): Keep that one contained, I will get the flying one!

She’s sad to leave her moonbeam, but flies after Ixayl’anu and misses both attacks. Screams: Look at me! (tries to charm Ixayl’anu and fails)

Ixayl’anu screams right back at her and lands all 3 attacks plus a level 2 smite: 45 total damage. “Never trust owls!”

The Superb Owl screeches again.

Diem goes completely limp and in the owl’s voice says: I have possessed this one, you can let it go. (23 deception)

Everyone buys it and lets Diem go. They immediately zoom 30 ft up and 30 ft toward Ixayl’anu, flying with her between me and the owl.

Guys who let them go realizing their mistake: Oh shit!

(3D chess for everyone now!)

The Northern portion of the crowd begins surging toward us as well, both guys who had Diem are running after them even though they’re 30 ft up.

Korial, the feathered dragonborn from one of Ixayl’anu’s home islands (who had been in charge of and enlisted in the fighting competition) had come out at some point, disappeared in his tent again, and is now coming out, handing off nets to capable-looking people nearby so he can take a shot with his bow at Ixayl’anu. He hits her for 10 dmg

The Superb Owl screams in Ixayl’anu’s face again and tries to grab at her for a grapple. 18 slashing damage and a strength check of 20 vs 21. Ixayl’anu pulls herself away from the grapple at the last minute, which is ruled one reason why the claws hurt so much - made the wound worse pulling out of the grasp.

Ixayl’anu’s next attack misses, but her 2nd does 15dmg plus another smite for 9 more dmg (total 24dmg).

Diem still doesn’t want to hurt the owl if they can avoid it, it’s chaotic good, but just doesn’t understand the concept and finality of death for mortals or why consent is important for the little honor guard it’s trying to create. They are out of big spells, but still have a lightning bolt in their ring if it comes down to it. However, the people also need to know this fey is willing to kill them for the sake of convenience anyway. It’s not outright evil, but inhuman enough it will kill them as easy as praise them.

As such, totally trying to create some doubts and tarnish the awe, show a little truth in a dramatic way, Diem moves their hands in front of their face as if they’re casting a spell, conveniently blocking anyone able to see their face from seeing their mouth move as they mimic The Superb Owl’s voice again, as loud as they can supervillain style and say: I will kill anyone who fails me! (21 deception).

A good amount of people around the South fence pause a little bit at this, including the guys who let them go during the last deception.

After that, Diem shoots Northwest and up 60ft to get above and behind The Superb Owl without flying close enough on the way to cause an attack of opportunity (essentially 20ft behind the owl to the northwest and 30ft up for a total of 60ft above ground and away from Korial’s bow).

They cast an eldritch blast but their heart still really isn’t in killing this pretty fey creature yet (Ixayl’anu is definitely not holding back for sure). Their first blast of crackling iridescent magic misses entirely as a result, and the other is held back too much, doing only 3dmg.

The guys who got nets from Korial are now close enough to throw them at Ixayl’anu, but both nets go wide without accidentally ensnaring any of the people under her instead.

Korial shoots at Ixayl’anu again, but misses.

The Superb Owl: Get more archers! Stop using the nets!

She disengages from Ixie and flies a bigger circle away. She goes up to about 80ft off the ground and take a commanding view of the whole area.

Ixayl’anu has seen birds of prey do this maneuver - she’s getting height so she can do a dive at Ixayl’anu (from 50ft above her now/20ft higher up than Diem is). Diem is clueless what this means for Ixayl’anu.

Ixayl’anu drops moonbeam and downs a potion (16 healing) on her way to get behind the owl and in front of me, close enough she and Diem both get the advantages of the bless she casts in moonbeam’s place (add a d4 to any attack roll or saving throw for a minute - 10 rounds).

Diem casts message on The Superb Owl, speaking directly in her head in sylvan, using their patron’s voice: Harm my pets and mark my words you will have an archfey hounding your immortality, making sure no one anywhere ever even thinks about worshipping you ever again (Intimidation check of 26).

The Superb Owl’s wingbeat pauses and she dips down a couple of feet in reaction. She’s still for the moment.

Diem yells out as loud as they can, in part for the Northside audience this time (and in their own voice): This is your last chance, do this the right way, no one’s taken by force and no one dies if they refuse!

24 performance for the crowd gets another big circle near enough to hear who are beginning to doubt. This includes Korial who has run forward enough he heard Diem’s yell. He also pauses and shakes his head a little bit.

The owl takes a good look around at the chaos and doubters, she screams an angry and hurt sound: None of you were really worth it anyway!

She disengages, picks up speed by dropping about 30 ft (still about 50ft from the ground though) and books it back toward the iron heights.

Ixayl’anu misty steps after her and crackles lightning effects, swiping at the air in the Superb Owl’s direction, making noises to reinforce driving her away and generally trying to be intimidating “You better run!” style. She rolls an 11 for intimidation. She can’t see the owl’s face for obvious reasons, but feels like she did a good job.

(The “Victory Speech” No One Asked For)

Diem flies lower toward the ground and makes themself look like an autumn-and-firey-sun themed archfey with a slightly higher voice than their patron’s to address the people around then. Their impulsive goal here is mainly to check on the hostility levels of the crowd while also trying to make sure a the presence of an archfey makes it into some stories. Just in case any of those get back to The Superb Owl in the future. They don’t use their own patron’s looks because they don’t know how their patron would feel getting that credit. They do go for a fiery-autumn look thinking this heavily V’kandis sun god religious area might attribute the deed in story to V’kandis instead, or an archfey follower (vague spur-of-the-moment possibilities for how this story gets retold over the years lol). Their performance is only a 16 for this though and it’s ruled that most people are simply distracted by the charm suddenly getting dispelled, becoming worried about loved ones and children/parents, etc. no longer in sight. Either way, everyone clearly knows what happened now (insofar as being charmed goes). Diem finished the story with what the owl had been planning, that it wasn’t just harmless (to hopefully discourage later retellings from making the owl out to be something to be tolerated the next time it comes around. Like no, it was definitely planning to take people against their will and seriously considering killing anyone merely for refusing to go with it. As they see the mood of the whole crowd shifting toward deflated sadness and seriousness, they end with what they hope is an inspiring message to find their loved ones and celebrate the return of their freedom. Diem knows it’s not their best work for sure, but they think it went over reasonably well for people being understandably distracted by suddenly remembering all the things and people and tasks the owl made them forget. They do notice Korial is standing there just listening and watching, head tilted after the hold on him was also dispelled.

At the end, Diem then pretends, for the benefit of whomever might still be watching, to be released by the mysterious autumn-fire entity who’d possessed them, their own visage fading back in as they get their bearings and look up at Ixayl’anu. They pull out their sending stone and say into it: Owl taken care of, we’re on our way to you guys in Stoneroost, let us know if we shouldn’t.

(Rana and Fee are falling!)

Fee makes a perception or investigation of 23 right before they start falling, they both hear a crack of thunder even though the sky isn’t stormy. Arcana check of 2 - Fee thinks it’s thunderbird thunder, there might be a thunderbird nearby she just doesn’t know.

Rana was showboating a little like “look at my mountains!” before she fell.

They feel cocooned in this nice little bubble of antigravity and have a slow descent that stops right above the trees like levitating above the treeline.

The ropen are following their descent with intent. 30-40 ft away still, it has embellishment on it - what Rana assumed was a natural coloration, it’s a paint/tattoo and jewelry situation.

These details make no difference to Fee.

Rana has an arm extended toward Fee about to cast a polymorph, but then they’re slowing down to a stop. “Fee are you okay?”

“Yeah, you?” Fee was also reaching for her hand and they manage to grasp hands.

When they stop, Fee tries to see if she can swim in the air, but she doesn’t move.

Rana: were you hit?

Fee: No you?

Rana: No

Fee: Can you become an owl again?

Rana: No...well, yes, but not the same way and I don’t know what knocked me out of owl to begin with (Rana is watching the Ropen as they talk - it’s taking its sweet time to get to them like a turkey vulture rather than any bird of prey about to swoop down and snatch you motions.

Fee looks for the ground through the trees and asks something I missed.

Rana perceives 18 trying to see if there are any other ropen around. 100 ft or so and getting closer (overiding the shorter distance earlier). She casts speak with animals and calls out: “Hello!?” (holds her hands out in peaceful gesture, rats freaking out with “What the fuck is happening?!” type chatter in her ears now).

Rana and Fee must make a con save, both fail (7 and 9, respectively). Both begin to hear ringing sounds in their ears - it’s SPN angel speak type noise. It crescendos to the point it hurts, all in their head, past the point of unbearable for a half second before it cuts out and they take 3 psychic dmg.

The ropen is close enough to hover in front of them after that and they both hear an intense psychic voice “This is not a safe place to be so I am going to bring you back to the nearest settlement - you should not be here until we handle it.”

Rana: We can’t go back, we’re here to figure out what’s going on.

Ropen: We’re taking care of it, their invisible bubbles of levitation start moving both Rana and Fee back the way they came.

Rana makes one persuasion check of 6 before the ropen puts them both to sleep. The whole time the ropen made them feel like they were being talked to as a child by an ancient, one that radiates strong magic.

(The zone you tried to access is down for maintenance; have a portal, take a nap)

Both Fee and Rana wake up feeling like it was really brief, but find themselves in a field outside Bouldergap. (Tournament was southwest of Bouldergap, they wake up northeast of Bouldergap - slightly farther away from town, and directly North of the road in.

Wisdom saving throws: 13 Rana, 20 Fee; Rana wakes up without memory of why she’s even here, the last she remembers she was an owl flying to Stoneroost. She tries to point at the empty air like the ropen is still there though.

Rana: Look, look that’s the thing I saw!

Fee: Yeah we both saw it…?

Rana: Yeah it’s right there! (the air is obviously empty though)

Fee: Uuuhhhhh…

Rana: Wait a minute, why are we back here? (She checks on the rats, who she can no longer understand, but that’s okay because she doesn’t remember casting that spell anyway.)

Fee: Oh, I see, what’s the last thing you remember, friend?

Rana: Flying

Fee: And then we were falling.

Rana statues.

Fee: Here’s what I think happened, I think your bird demons have some kind of bubble around Stoneroost because you somehow became not an owl and we were plummeting toward the ground and they slowed our descent and they made this awful noise screaming in our heads or maybe just my head and then talked to us like kids and were like “No we don’t need your help, we got this dudes.” (She retells the whole thing with more words than this but this is all I got transcribed live).

Rana looks doubtful: I think I’d remember that...

Fee: Yeah you would think…

At about this time, Diem’s voice comes through on the sending stones.

Diem: Owl taken care of, we’re on our way to you guys in Stoneroost, let us know if we shouldn’t.

Fee picks up almost immediately: No, don’t go to Stoneroost - fly to the other side of the tournament just out of town, we’re, well...marco polo or something when you get close until you find us and we’ll catch you up on--

Rana interrupts: Meet us at the gate into Bouldergap.

Fee: Yeah. That probably works better.

It will take Diem and Ixayl’anu about 5 minutes to fly to their destination.

In the meantime, as Rana and Fee walk toward said gate, they talk about what Rana doesn’t remember. She is very VERY interested in everything Fee has to say about the ropen. Fortunately for her, while Fee didn’t care about all the details of the ropen, she did take note of them with her high perception and was able to describe them pretty accurately to Rana - including the detail that they aren’t naturally colorful so much as wearing paint or tattoos and decorative jewelry that glints in the sun. Rana doesn’t know enough about ropen to say whether any of this was normal or not.

The lore for them is only that they’re brightly coloured pterodactyl-like creatures. No one’s gotten close enough to realize it’s not a natural thing and Rana thought they were just animals until now.

They do both remember getting just past the area where we saw the abominations on the road before they were stopped and ported away.

(Together again)

As Diem and Ixayl’anu approach and land, they find Fee and Rana both looking pissed, Rana has her map out, half plotting a route through the mountains instead.

Diem: How’d you guys get over here? Nevermind because…(they proceed to excitedly tell how things went with the owl - including the bit Ixayl’anu was not yet aware of about the message spell convincing the owl that their patron promised retribution if their pets, plural, were harmed)

Ixayl’anu preens with pride over her actions and shining moments during the story. We did not highlight, live, that she would be hearing the message that chased the owl off for the first time though, so there’s no noted reaction to that bit.

Rana (after Diem concludes the story): I hope the Ropen gets it.

Ixayl’anu: Ropen?

Rana looks at Fee: Well, since I don’t remember what happened…?

Fee: Yeah...remember how Rana was gonna carry me safely and we were gonna do this recon mission…?

Rana glares into the open air at nothing over the whole situation.

Fee: Once we got a little more than halfway to Stoneroost, just past where we were before we hit a bubble or something I don’t know but that big Rope-Roc bird thing flew in and Rana got switched back and we were falling then we were not falling and then the bird thing screamed in our heads and it hurt. Then was all like, “Don’t come over here I got this.” and then I don’t know yeah that’s when we were put to sleep and moved over here. I guess Rana must’ve been dropped too hard because she doesn’t remember it all.

(Again, there were definitely more words used than this, more things said, all amusing retellings, but this is all I got transcribed live)

Rana: They’ve never stopped me going through the mountains before, so I’m thinking we go through the mountains and hike out there in the morning. (She also notes that they didn’t see abominations on the road though, at least).

We talk about possibly going by road one more time, but this time, coming out silver scale first to see if that gets us in the door with these Ropen. Among our options is Rana just straight flying out there again with one of us on her back, Ixayl’anu riding on her elk, or possibly hiking back out there and flying for the last 10-20 minutes. All with the silver scale and letter ready to show as a potential vip pass.

Diem pulls out their sending stone and starts to catch the guard captain up on everything as we head her way to check in.

Eldeth: Just meet me at the guard house, this is too much to take in over sending stones.

(At the guard house)

By the time we get there Eldeth says she’s heard many different stories but they all start with YOU (here she points at Ixayl’anu) breathing lightning all over the damned thing.

Ixayl’anu (not in the least as guilty as she should be lol): Yeah…

Eldeth: (nods to self like “Alright then.”) Well we hadn’t tried that, but it worked.

Diem fills her in with 25 performance on every little detail of everything tried first and failed and why etc. including visual demonstration of the archfey they tried to put in the story for retelling in case anything got back to the owl at least some versions might have an archfey involved.

Eldeth seems to appreciate all the details: Well, we had a deal and you handled it, but I’m not gonna lie I’d prefer to help you through to Stoneroost in the morning.

She calls in two guards for us though - a dark blue skinned goliath barbarian type named Mash Jufrin who has a pegleg (Mash was one of the dumb guards from the other day) and a reddish older looking warrior tiefling named Tioshikio Ayibi. Eldeth introduces them and says, “These are who I can spare - they’re the best at smashing things.”

Mash (laughing): Yeah I’m best at smashing things.

Diem: Delighted to meet you (to Eldeth after looking at the rest of their party) I’m definitely for the morning though too, I could use a short rest?

The others nod agreement.

Tio: In that case, I’ll go help out with breaking down all the festival havoc and meet you all at the gate out toward Stoneroost in the morning.

As Diem notices no one is telling the Stoneroost route story, they message Fee to ask why they’re not telling their story.

Fee out loud: Oh yeah you should totally do that!

Diem (also out loud now): Me? Oh...okay *tries to remember everything Fee said and does a 26 performance on telling their story*

Only because of that performance do they not laugh at Diem outright for talking about sky bigfoot but Eldeth is still looking at Rana (the local of our group) like “Seriously?”

Rana gives a look back like yeeaaaah...it is though, I know how it sounds. (She’d been wincing and frowning at every mention of ropen during the story.)

Eldeth believes us but points out that she wouldn’t otherwise if not for the owl and everything crazy that’s been going on of late. She recommends Tio to get more supplies to that end from the armory. We all part ways, Diem getting their extra sending stone back after announcing they have a date to get to.

(Free evening for shopping and more!)

We get the evening to do whatever we like. Rana needs a 300 gold diamond, so she’s going to go shopping. Since it’s on the way to other places we’re all headed, we all go with. Rana gets distracted by all the shiny pretty gems, Ixayl’anu has to pry her away eventually. Rana picks up 2 diamonds and can’t help herself, picks up 2 rubies, a sapphire and an emerald. Loose stones that call to her. Handful of rubies and pretty things.

Diem forgot in the live session but since it was determined they were there for the shopping on their way back to Emmen’s festival tent, they have been approved for also picking up some pretty stones and would have been just as enthralled by the pretties as Rana lol. Gem haul (whopping total of 1500gp lol): Includes 3, 10gp titanium rainbow peacock kyanite feathers, a large Iolite/Cordierite sample that is dark blue with white and clear crystal clusters in it at first glance - looking closer at various angles reveals the whites to shift into shades of silver that blend in with the blues that also shift with lighting into shades of black and violet as well (300gp for a small “brick” sized uncut chunk). Another normal-sized sample of this same uncut stone for 50gp, a water opal with an imperfection that looks like a crescent moon, worth 1000gp (the two big ticket items are to be gifts for their patron, if anyone asks), and topped off with a pouch of additional, hand-selected rough cut samples of asst other stones mostly in shades of teals and purples (basically would look like a small stash of rough fluorite, quartz, etc.). They also pick up a little amethyst cat figuring worth 100gp (because gifts to the fey should always come in threes).

Ixayl’anu hauls us out of there before we spend ALL of our money there (I mean for her goddess’ sake, it’s not like they’re the teeth of a rare and impressive beast or something) and goes off to find a shop with healing potions where she buys two common healing potions (100g total).

Diem gets 2 greater healing potions for 150 each.

Rana says she’s going to the temple, everyone but Diem is gonna join her there. Diem splits off from the rest to find their aforementioned “date.”

Ixayl’anu resummons her elk in the temple courtyard. It takes her 10 minutes to do so. He bugles frantically as though no time had passed since he was attacked and Ixayl’anu is there with horse girl hugs and affection that he appreciates as she calms him down.

Mutanamri quietly comes up to her during this: So while you’re welcome to stay here, and we appreciate all your help recently...your steed does have to stay outside the temple...it’s a little bit of a sacrilegious thing, so if you could put it out in the stables please?

Ixayl’anu nods and says she understands. She and her elk continue their affectionate reunion on the way to stables. She spends the night in the stables with her elk, sleeping together.

Rana floats the idea with Fee to do a find the item and retrieve course for the rats outside the temple somewhere. Fee agrees. Rana hands Fee a frickin ruby for this game and uses a frickin emerald for Hamlet, hiding them for retrieval. These are the games of the rich, people lol. Rana casts speak with animals and they send the rats out on their missions. They make animal handling checks of 8 for Rana and 17 for Fee 17. Horatio wins! It does help that he recognizes the “retrieve” game through practice a little better than Hamlet does.

We confirm that tiny animals stopped speaking draconic about a couple miles out of Longview. So Fee can also speak to and understand her rat through her ring.

Afterward Rana settles down by the flame and Fee with her, presumably.

(In the morning…)

In the morning, after everyone’s gotten up and performed early morning mass, Alka Briskfizz, a dwarven priestess in green, gold, and cream-colored robes, her orangey-red hair in pigtails approaches Rana and Fee: I heard you helped with the owl situation and I know you talked to Mutanamri a little bit about that already. I’m actually here right now because I’d like to offer my services for your other trip - I’ve got some family in Stoneroost as well. It would be nice to go up and see them with your group, make sure everything’s alright. I have some healing capabilities.

Rana nods: We’ll take all the help we can get.

Fee: Yeah…

Alka: Good - though...I thought there was more of you?

Rana: Yeah, we have to go collect one of us somewhere in town and the other is sleeping in the stables with her elk.

(some missed conversation for sure)

Fee: Have you heard anything more about what might be going on?

Alka: Every time I’ve been on the road it’s been uneventful, so this is new to me.

Fee talks about how the road was creepy and Alka says that’s definitely not normal for the pass.

Rana talks about what to expect on the road, mentions the ropen but frames it like, ‘yeah, we know it sounds crazy, but with everything else that’s going on, why not an impossible cryptid too?’.

Fee chimes in every now and then.

Alka’s listening politely. Rana insight checks at a 12 on her reactions - she seems skeptical but open to there being something best described, for now, as a mythological cryptid.

They swing by the stable first to pick up Ixayl’anu and that’s where the session ends.

#Fight the owl meet the ropen #Anesh #Bouldergap #Stoneroost #ropen #The Superb Owl #Korial #Lawmaster Eldeth #Mash Jufrin #Tioshikio Ayibi #Mutanamri Sichar #Alka Briskfizz #Autumn archfey disguise #Diem pretends to be their patron #Emmen Hayley alluded to #The Iron Heights mentioned

[monstersdownthepath]

Spiritual Spotlight: Lalaci, He of Motley Repose

Chaotic Good Azata Empyreal Lord of Rainbows, Relaxation, and Shade

Domains: Chaos, Good, Luck, Sun Subdomains: Azata, Fate, Light, Thirst, Whimsy

Chronicles of the Righteous, pg. 18

Obedience: Mark your brow with five colored stripes and hang suncatchers on as many public buildings as you can. If no buildings are around, hang the suncatchers from a tree or natural formation instead. Never hang a suncatcher in the same place 2 days in a row. Benefit: Gain a +4 sacred bonus on saving throws against Fire effects.

I appreciate that Lalaci doesn’t make too big of a nuisance of himself, stating you only have to hang suncatchers on public buildings. You don’t have to go around hanging bits of colored glass from people’s porches, merely prettying up the local offices, restaurants, corner stores, libraries, and taverns. While it may get you in trouble in certain parts of the world, it’s unlikely to make you look like an actual threat unless you’re placing the symbol of an Empyreal Lord in places like Cheliax or Nidal. Lalaci’s also nice enough to say ‘as many as you can,’ so if you’re stopped by guards or warned away from going further, you can still conclude that your job is done and you’ve brought some brightness into the world.

The primary problem is that eventually you’re going to run out of the darn things, and even buying or scavenging glass, metal, and string to make them yourself will get time-consuming and/or expensive. I THINK you’re good to take back the ones you’ve already put up, especially if someone else takes them down or knocks them to the ground, but then you run the risk of forgetting which places you’ve hung suncatchers from, and Lalaci is VERY clear in what he thinks of that: NEVER hang a suncatcher from the same place. You also run the risk of defeating your message in the first place in marking areas people can relax. 

Of course, suncatchers aren’t exactly survival gear or magic items. The DM may rule a single gold coin gets you enough material to make however many of the things you want. The resources consumed by this Obedience have the benefit/curse of having no listed price but being enough that a more stern, bookkeeping DM might not handwave them away. Check and see what your DM thinks of your hobby!

The benefit is boring but practical. Fire effects are extremely common at pretty much every level of the game, so having a nice big +4 standing between you and getting your eyebrows burned off is always welcome. Not much else to say about it!

Boons are gained slowly, typically achieved once you reach 12, 16, and 20 Hit Dice. Followers of the Empyreal Lords, however, can enter the Mystery Cultist Prestige Class at level 8, which grants them their Boons much quicker! Entered as early as possible, you gain the Boons at levels 10, 13, and 16 instead. Mystery Cultists MUST take the Celestial Obedience feat, NOT Deific Obedience.

Empyreal Lords do not grant the typical Evangelist/Exalted/Sentinel spread (and cannot enter those classes), instead having only one set of Boons granted to their followers regardless of their class.

Boon 1: Motley Magic. Gain Color Spray 3/day, Hypnotic Pattern 2/day, or Deep Slumber 1/day.

Color Spray fell off about 3 or 4 levels ago but still remains useful against swarming mooks, but Hypnotic Pattern does its job far better without putting you dangerously close to your enemies. Pattern’s additional effect of being a handy misdirection is also lost on Color Spray, and the HD it can affect continues to scale even when Deep Slumber stops working.

Deep Slumber can send up to 10 HD worth of creatures to dreamland, but with a harsh 10 HD limit and you obtaining it at level 10, you’re likely only going to use it to dispose of a few mooks... which is exactly what Hypnotic Pattern does, but Pattern still scales with you while Slumber drops off. All that being said, though, being asleep is way worse for your health in battle than being fascinated, and Deep Slumber’s massive duration makes it appealing if you’re trying to capture someone nonlethally, so really it just depends on if you think you’re going to be distracting two crowds or containing one large threat.

Boon 2: Prismatic Body. You gain a +4 sacred bonus on saves against effects that would blind you. In addition, whenever you make a successful saving throw against a spell or effect with the Light descriptor (such as Sunbeam), you can choose to ignore the effect entirely and redirect its path toward two different creatures or spaces within 30 feet of you. The designated creatures or spaces are affected as though they were caught in the effect’s area or were targeted by the effect.

Cute! And elaborate! You don’t see much of those among the shorter Boons of the Empyreal Lords. Unfortunately, the number of Light spells that actually require you to make a saving throw are rather slim, and among the few an even smaller number (mainly Sunburst, Sunbeam, and Burst of Radiance) are likely to be used by anyone but a creative player. Also, if you’re playing an old-fashioned Good-vs-Evil game, Evil creatures are unlikely to use ANY Light spells or generate light effects aside from oddballs like the Shining Children.

However! There is ONE cute thing you can pull with this: Targeting yourself with your own light effects, or having your allies aim their abilities through you. You may notice that Prismatic Body specifically says that the effect is split, affecting two different spots within 30ft of you. While the wording of the ability clashes with the visual effect it’s trying to convey, you can make a good case for spells like Sunbeam being refracted through your glimmering form and reaching 30ft further than they’d normally be able to. Sunbeam’s beam being split to strike two different targets who’re otherwise not lining up also works here!

The +4 to saves vs being blinded is a blessing in disguise, as nearly all offensive Light spells and effects carry a blinding component, meaning you basically have a +4 bonus on saves against them, making targeting yourself or asking allies to target you with them less likely to end with you getting your upper body blasted off by a searing beam. You know what, curiously, is NOT a Light effect? All the Prismatic spells. That’s a shame, because...

Boon 3: Rainbow Orb. You can cast Prismatic Sphere 1/day.

Can you IMAGINE being able to refract Prismatic Sphere’s layers towards your foes? Well, you couldn’t really, anyway, since you can pass in and out of your rainbow ball (rainball?) unharmed. As one of the first spells printed in Pathfinder, however, there’s a bit of wonkiness in how it’s written; the Effect text states that the Sphere is centered on you, which seems to indicate it would move with you, but the actual spell’s description is written as though the Sphere stays in place and allows you to move in and out of it. If it moves with you, it’s insanely powerful to the point of being game-breaking (imagine wearing a Sphere of Annihilation as armor), so this next bit is written assuming that the Sphere remains in place when summoned.

The ultimate defensive spell, Prismatic Sphere is an off switch for combat, with a duration that may as well be eternal if you have something trying to kill you (10 min/level!). Unless your opponent has Mage’s Disjunction, they’re going to have to turn off each of the Sphere’s layers one at a time, using up--at MINIMUM--seven entire spells and thus seven entire rounds trying to get through to you as you sip whatever tea or potions you have prepared and cast whatever buffs you desire. The sphere only protects you, however, so your allies will have to find different cover (such as behind the sphere)... Or you can carry them in with you inside an extradimensional storage compartment of your choice. It’ll be cramped, but worth it to give yourself some breathing room. Using it as a quick blockade for a thin hallway is also possible, and fun! You’re at an early enough level that most enemies might not even realize what it IS until someone touches the thing and dies instantly.

Alternately, you could do the exact opposite of protecting yourself. While running up to your enemy is typically a terrible idea, getting within 10ft of them and then casting Prismatic Sphere to trap them inside with you means they’ve got very little wiggle room themselves! Combo with a Quickened Earth Glide to slip through the floor and out of the Sphere, or use Quickened versions of spells like Companion Transposition, Master’s Escape, Storm Step, or Hostile Juxtaposition to get in kissing distance of your foe, cast Sphere, and walk out. It’s very important that spells are cast before you use Sphere, because no spell or effect can penetrate the shifting wall once it’s been raised. Your enemy will have to have some method of burrowing through the ground to get into or out of the Sphere, because it’s a little wibbly on whether teleportation allows someone to pass through it!

All that being said, one of the easiest and funniest things you can potentially do with it is raise it up and then have your allies fling your enemies into it. Just make sure they take steps not to get thrown in themselves, because touching a Prismatic Wall/Sphere requires the fool doing so to make seven saving throws against each of its equally terrifying effects, and they’re bound to fail one or two of them.

You can read more about him here.

#Spiritual Spotlight #Saintly Spotlight #Pathfinder #Dungeons and Dragons

[gmsguild]

multiples of 10 for the character asks!!

Thanks Hannah! Answers will refer to my main character, Sahar, my tiefling wizard in a home Tal’Dorei game, but she’s away from the party rn since I’m DMing (our group rotates DMs between arcs). Other folks, if you want to hear more about some of my other characters, let me know! Sahar’s gotten the most playtime recently, but Keoren the halfling monk, Astara the aasimar cleric, Squall the water genasi druid, or Kallisto the minotar barbarian (among others) are all also fair game (some are less fleshed out than others) 10. If your character had time to pick up any artisan’s tools, game set, instrument, etc., what would it be? So this isn’t an actual instrument/mechanic in the game, and it’s never come up in game, but Sahar can sing. Like, really well. She grew up in a troupe of traveling entertainers and learned from a young age, but she stopped when her troupe died (onset of the Tragic Backstory phase, hit me up for more on this I’m an asshole to my characters) and hasn’t really sung in the last few years. She enjoys dragonchess (keeps her mind active). I think a piece of her would like to paint more (she’s proficient in forger’s tools, it’s just a different sort of art) or pick up the lute and start singing again, this time accompanying herself. 

20. What is the biggest mistake your character has ever made? It’s hard to say whether the late teen years/early 20s spent as an assassin were a mistake since she really didn’t have a choice in the matter? I think at this point she’s starting to view the years she spent working for the Clasp after escaping her Tragic Backstory phase as a mistake. She didn’t have to stay in the life of crime, but she did and she’s not wholly sure how she feels about that? She’s not exactly a law and order gal, but her alignment has been shifting steadily from the neutral evil/True Neutral that she started at in the Tragic Backstory phase towards neutral good/chaotic good and I think she’s questioning whether or not she’s done more harm than good in her life and how she can make up for that. She also really really regrets leaving behind her baby sister in Ank’Harel when she left to try and find work but it’s been almost 10 years now... that’s a fun knife for a future DM rotation to stab me with. 

30. What would most people think when they first see your character? Violently purple tieflings with blackwork partial sleeve tattoos and ice-blue eyes aren’t exactly a common sight in Tal’Dorei. And recently, she’s spent a lot of time in small towns that tend to be a little more judgmental and less cosmopolitan than the big cities. Fear, fascination, disgust, awe... all are fairly common reactions. 

40. Where does your character feel the most at home? Sahar has never settled down in one place. She grew up a nomad, and the Tragic Backstory and her recovery from that left her living a very nomadic lifestyle with her two siblings (triplets!), and now she’s living on the road with her party. She feels most comfortable with a good book or some new spell she’s working on, a nice warm drink, and a cozy spot in an inn by the fire with a few friends. But anywhere with family, chosen or blood related, is home to her. 

50. Who in the party would your character prioritize rescuing, in dire circumstances? That’s a tough one, because Sahar is developing Feelings for one party member but also feels like she has to be the Big Sister to our warlock... She’s also an intensely logical person so like, she’d probably go for whoever she thought had the best chance of helping her save as many people as possible. In a split second decision, it would depend on who she was closest to but I think a big piece of her would pull towards our party warlock since she reminds her of the baby sister she left behind.

60. What decision would the party have to make in order for your character to consider splitting off from the group? It wouldn’t be a single decision. She’s had some concerns about the amount of killing the party does, but at the same time she doesn’t want to leave folks with grudges out there because that’s a knife in the back waiting to happen...  Anything in which children are harmed. If the party knowingly harms children, she’s out of there.  70. What is your character’s biggest pet peeve? People trying to talk to her when she’s ritual casting or absorbed in a problem. She likes to focus. Don’t distract her.  80. How does your character feel about receiving/giving orders? Are they more of a leader, or a follower? Prefers giving. Hates taking. She spent far too long taking orders under threat of torture or with the lives of her siblings held over her head, and she’s started to gain enough confidence to assert herself and she’s very aware she’s Smarter Than You. She’s a team player, but not a follower. Not anymore. She won’t let herself be.  90. Who is your character’s biggest rival? Her siblings Rhana and Zepar in the friendly rivalry sense. There’s some light competition between her and the other spellcasters in the party to do the most impressive shit, but that’s more in her head. And in a less friendly rivalry... she’s got a nemesis or two from her past she wouldn’t mind returning to the Dark Side to kill slowly and painfully. 

100. What, currently, is your character the most curious about? So because of the structure of our group, rotating DMs, she’s split off from the group to do some research in Westruun on a puzzle cube the party nicked off the dead body of a hag they killed, so she’s pretty excited about that. She was a little too curious initially and almost opened a portal to the Hells and freaked out about that for about a week, but now that she’s in a safe place with other trained professionals, I think she’s gonna let that curiosity flow

Whoo! Sorry that’s so wordy that was fun! Thanks! (everyone go check out Hannah’s @drinkingdeadpeopletea sideblog it’s got some great critical role and naddpod content and some other cool shit and she’s a great human!)

#storybook-souls #asks #ask games #my games #my characters

[suchagiantnerd]

48 Books, 1 Year

I was just two books shy of my annual goal of 50! You can blame the combination of my adorable newborn, who refused to nap anywhere except on me, and Hallmark Christmas movie season, during which I abandon books for chaste kisses between 30-somethings who behave like tweens at places called the Mistletoe Inn (which are really in Almonte, Ontario). 

Without further ado, as Zuma from Paw Patrol says, “Let’s dive in!”

1. Human Errors: A Panorama of Our Glitches, from Pointless Bones to Broken Genes / Nathan H. Lents

We have too many bones! We have to rely too much on our diet for survival! We suffer from too many cognitive biases! Reading about our design flaws was kind of interesting, but the best part of this book were the few pages toward the end about the possibility of alien life. Specifically this quote: "...some current estimates predict that the universe harbours around seventy-five million civilizations." WHAT?! This possibility more than anything else I've ever heard or read gives me a better idea of how infinite the universe really is.

2. The Fiery Cross / Diana Gabaldon

Compared to the first four books in the Outlander series, this fifth book is a real snooze. The characters are becoming more and more unlikeable. They're so self-centered and unaware of their privilege in the time and place they're living. Gabaldon's depictions of the Mohawk tribe and other First Nations characters (which I'm reading through her character's opinions of things) are pretty racist. The enslaved people at one character's plantation are also described as being well taken care of and I just.... can't. I think this is the end of my affair with Outlander.

3. Educated / Tara Westover

This memoir was a wild ride. Tara Westover grew up in a survivalist, ultra-religious family in rural Idaho. She didn’t go to school and was often mislead about the outside world by her father. She and her siblings were also routinely put in physical danger working in their father’s junkyard as their lives were “in god’s hands”, and when they were inevitably injured, they weren’t taken to the hospital or a doctor, but left to be treated by their healer mother. Thanks to her sheer intelligence and determination (and some support from her older brother), Tara goes to university and shares with us the culture shock of straddling two very different worlds. My non-fiction book club LOVED this read, we talked about it for a long, long time.

4. Imbolc: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for St. Brigid’s Day / Carl F. Neal

Continuing with my witchy education, I learned all about the first sabbat of the new year, Imbolc.

5. Super Sad True Love Story / Gary Shteyngart

This in-the-very-near-future dystopian novel got my heart racing during a few exciting moments, but overall, I couldn’t immerse myself fully because of the MISOGYNY. I think the author might not like women and the things women like (or the things he thinks they like?) In this near future, all the dudes are into finance or are media celeb wannabes, while all the women work in high-end retail. And onion-skin jeans are the new trend for women - they are essentially see-through. Gary….we don’t…want that? We don’t even want low-rise jeans to come back.

6. The Wanderers / Meg Howrey

Helen, Yoshi and Sergei are the three astronauts selected by a for-profit space exploration company to man the world’s first mission to Mars. But before they get the green light, they have to endure a 17-month simulation. In addition to getting insight into the simulation from all three astronauts via rotating narrators, we also hear from the astronauts’ family members and other employees monitoring the sim. At times tense, at times thoughtful, this book is an incisive read about what makes explorers willing to leave behind everything they love the most in the world.

7. Zone One / Colson Whitehead

The zombie apocalypse has already happened, and Mark is one of the survivors working to secure and clean up Zone One, an area of Manhattan. During his hours and hours of boring shifts populated by a few harrowing minutes here and there, the reader is privy to Mark’s memories of the apocalypse itself and how he eventually wound up on this work crew. Mark is a pretty likeable, yet average guy rather than the standard zombie genre heroes, and as a result, his experiences also feel like a more plausible reality than those of the genre.

8. Homegoing / Yaa Gyasi

One of my favourite reads of the year, this novel is the definition of “sweeping epic”. The story starts off with two half-sisters (who don’t even know about each other’s existence) living in 18th-century Ghana. One sister marries a white man and stays in Ghana, living a life of privilege, while the other is sold into slavery and taken to America on a slave ship. This gigantic split in the family tree kicks off two parallel and vastly different narratives spanning EIGHT generations, ending with two 20-somethings in the present day. I remain in awe of Gyasi’s talent, and was enthralled throughout the entire book.

9. Sweetbitter / Stephanie Danler

Tess moves to New York City right out of school (and seemingly has no ties to her previous life - this bothered me, I wanted to know more about her past) and immediately lands a job at a beloved (though a little tired) fancy restaurant. Seemingly loosely based on Danler’s own experiences as a server, I got a real feel for the insular, incestuous, chaotic life in “the industry”. Tess navigates tensions between the kitchen and the front of house, falls for the resident bad-boy bartender, and positions herself as the mentee of the older and more glamorous head server, who may not be everything she seems. This is a juicy coming-of-age novel.

10. The Autobiography of Gucci Mane / Gucci Mane and Neil Martinez-Belkin

Gucci Mane is one of Atlanta’s hottest musicians, having helped bring trap music to the mainstream. I’d never heard of him until I read this book because I’m white and old! But not knowing him didn’t make this read any less interesting. In between wild facts (if you don’t get your music into the Atlanta strip clubs, your music isn’t making it out of Atlanta) and wilder escapades (Gucci holing himself up in his studio, armed to the teeth, in a fit of paranoia one night) Gucci Mane paints on honest picture of a determined, talented artist fighting to break free of a cycle of systemic racism and poverty.

11. I’ll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman’s Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer / Michelle McNamara

McNamara was a journalist and true crime enthusiast who took it upon herself to try and solve the mystery of the Golden State Killer’s identity. Amazingly, her interest in this case also sparked other people’s interest in looking back at it, eventually leading to the arrest of the killer (though tragically, McNamara died a few months before the arrest and would never know how her obsession helped to capture him). This is a modern true crime classic and a riveting read.

12. A Great Reckoning / Louise Penny

The 12th novel in Penny’s Inspector Gamache mystery series sees our hero starting a new job teaching cadets at Quebec’s police academy. Of course, someone is murdered, and Gamache and his team work to dig the rot out of the institution, uncovering a killer in the process.

13. Any Man / Amber Tamblyn

Yes, this novel is by THAT Amber Tamblyn, star of “The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants”! Anyway, this book is a tad bit darker, and follows five men who’ve been victimized by the female serial rapist, who calls herself Maude. Going into this read I though that it might be some sort of revenge fantasy, but dudes, not to worry - we really feel awful for the male victims and see them in all their complexity. Perhaps, if more men read this book, they might better understand the trauma female and non-binary victims go through? That would require men to read books by women though. Guys? GUYS???

14. Ostara: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for the Spring Equinox / Kerri Connor

Yet another witchy read providing more information about this Spring sabbat. 

15. Scarborough / Catherine Hernandez

This novel takes place in OUR Scarborough! Following the lives of a number of residents (adults and children alike), the plot centres around the families attending an Ontario Early Years program as well as the program facilitator. Hernandez looks at the ways poverty, mental illness, addiction, race, and homophobia intersect within this very multicultural neighbourhood. It’s very sad, but there are also many sweet and caring moments between the children and within each of the families.

16. The Glitch / Elisabeth Cohen

Shelley Stone (kind of a fictional Sheryl Sandberg type) is the CEO of Conch, a successful Silicon Valley company. Like many of these over-the-top real-life tech execs, Shelley has a wild schedule full of business meetings, exercise, networking and parenting, leaving her almost no time to rest. While on an overseas business trip, she meets a younger woman also named Shelley Stone, who may or may not be her younger self. Is Shelley losing it? This is a dark comedy poking fun at tech start-up culture and the lie that we can have it all.

17. The Thirteenth Tale / Diane Setterfield

This is my kind of book! A young and inexperienced bookworm is handpicked to write the biography of an aging famous author, Vida Wynter. Summoned to her sprawling country home around Christmastime, the biographer is absolutely enthralled by Vida’s tales of a crumbling gothic estate and an eccentric family left too long to their own whims. Looking for a dark, twisty fairytale? This read’s for you.

18. Love & Misadventure / Lang Leav

Leav’s book of poems looked appealing, but for me, her collection fell short. I felt like I was reading a teenager’s poetry notebook (which I’m not criticizing, I love that teen girls write poetry, and surprise, surprise - so did I - but I’m too old for this kind of writing now).

19. Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows / Balli Kaur Jaswal

Hooo boy, my book club loved this one! Hoping to get a job more aligned with her literary interests, Nikki, the 20-something daughter of Indian immigrants to Britain, takes a job teaching writing at the community centre in London’s biggest Punjabi neighbourhood. The students are all older Punjabi women who don’t have much to do and because of their “widow” status have been somewhat sidelined within their community. Without anyone around to censor or judge them, the widows start sharing their own erotic fantasies with each other, each tale wilder than the last. As Nikki gets to know them better, she gains some direction in life and starts a romance of her own. (It should be noted that in addition to this lovely plot, there is a sub plot revolving around a possible honour killing in the community. For me, the juxtaposition of these two plots was odd, but not odd enough that it ruined the book.)

20. Beltane: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for May Day / Melanie Marquis

Beltane marks the start of the summer season in the witches’ year, and I learned all about how to ring it in, WITCH STYLE.

21. Summer of Salt / Katrina Leno

This book is essentially Practical Magic for teens, with a queer protagonist. All that to say, it’s enjoyable and sweet and a win for #RepresentationMatters, but it wasn’t a surprising or fresh story.

22. Too Like the Lightning / Ada Palmer

This is the first in the Terra Ignota quartet of novels, which is (I think) speculative fiction with maybe a touch of fantasy and a touch of sci-fi and a touch of theology and certainly a lot of philosophical ruminating too. I both really enjoyed it and felt so stupid while reading it. As a lifelong bookworm who doesn’t shy away from difficult reads, I almost never feel stupid while reading, but this book got me. The world building is next level and as soon as you think you’ve found your footing, Palmer pulls the rug out from under you and you’re left both stunned and excited about her latest plot twist. Interested in finding out what a future society grouped into ‘nations’ by interests and passions (instead of geographical borders and ethnicity) might be like? Palmer takes a hearty stab at it here.

23. The Trauma Cleaner: One Woman’s Extraordinary Life in the Business of Death, Decay and Disaster / Sarah Krasnostein

When Sarah Krasnostein met Sandra Pankhurst, she knew she had to write her biography (or something like it - this book is part biography, part love letter, part reckoning). And rightly so, as Sandra has led quite a life. She grew up ostracized within her own home by her immediate family, married and had children very young, came out as a trans woman and begin living as her authentic self (but abandoning her own young family in the process), took to sex work and lived through a vicious assault, married again, and started up her own successful company cleaning uncleanable spaces - the apartments of hoarders, the houses of recluses, the condos in which people ended their own lives. Sandra is the definition of resilience, but all her traumas (both the things people have done to her and the things she’s done to others) have left their mark, as Krasnostein discovers as she delicately probes the recesses of Sandra’s brain.

24. Becoming / Michelle Obama

My favourite things about any memoir from an ultra-famous person are the random facts that surprise you along the way. In this book, it was learning that all American presidents travel with a supply of their blood type in the event of an assassination attempt. I mean OF COURSE they would, but that had never occurred to me. I also appreciated Michelle opening up about her fertility struggles, the difficult decision to put her career on hold to support Barack’s dreams, and the challenge of living in the spotlight with two young children that you hope to keep down to earth. Overall, I think Michelle was as candid as someone in her position can be at this point in her life.

25 and 26. Seven Surrenders, The Will to Battle / Ada Palmer

I decided to challenge myself and stick with Palmer’s challenging Terra Ignota series, also reading the second and third instalments (I think the fourth is due to be released this year). I don’t know what to say, other than the world-building continues to be incredible and this futuristic society is on the bring of something entirely new.

27. Even Vampires Get the Blues / Kate MacAlister

This novel wins for “cheesiest read of the year”. When a gorgeous half-elf detective (you read that right) meets a centuries-old sexy Scottish vampire, sparks fly! Oh yeah, and they’re looking for some ancient thing in between having sex.

28. A Case of Exploding Mangoes / Mohammed Hanif

A piece of historical fiction based on the real-life suspicious plane crash in 1988 that killed many of Pakistan’s top military brass, this novel lays out many possible culprits (including a crow that ate too many mangoes). It’s a dark comedy taking aim at the paranoia of dictators and the boredom and bureaucracy of the military (and Bin Laden makes a cameo at a party).

29. Salvage the Bones / Jesmyn Ward

This novel takes place in the steaming hot days before Hurricane Katrina hits the Mississippi coast. The air is still and stifling and Esch’s life in the small town of Bois Sauvage feels even more stifled. Esch is 14 and pregnant and hasn’t told anyone yet. Her father is a heavy drinker and her three brothers are busy with their own problems. But as the storm approaches, the family circles around each other in preparation for the storm. This is a jarring and moving read made more visceral by the fact that the author herself survived Katrina. It’s also an occasionally violent book, and there are particularly long passages about dog-fighting (a hobby of one of the brothers). The dog lovers in my book club found it hard to get through, consider this your warning!

30. Everything’s Trash, But It’s Okay / Phoebe Robinson

A collection of essays in the new style aka writing multiple pages on a topic as though you were texting your best friend about it (#ImFineWithThisNewStyleByTheWay #Accessible), Robinson discusses love, friendship, being a Black woman in Hollywood, being plus-ish-size in Hollywood, and Julia Roberts teaching her how to swim (and guys, Julia IS as nice in real life as we’d all hoped she was!) Who is Robinson? Comedy fans will likely know her already, but I only knew her as one of the stars of the Netflix film Ibiza (which I enjoyed). This is a fun, easy read!

31. Midsummer: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for Litha / Deborah Blake

After reading this book, I charged my crystals under the midsummer sun!

32. Fingersmith / Sarah Waters

So many twists! So many turns! So many hidden motives and long-held secrets! Think Oliver Twist meets Parasite meets Lost! (Full disclosure, I haven’t seen Parasite yet, I’m just going off all the chatter about it). Sue is a con artist orphan in old-timey London. When the mysterious “Gentleman” arrives at her makeshift family’s flat with a proposal for the con of all cons, Sue is quickly thrust into a role as the servant for another young woman, Maud, living alone with her eccentric uncle in a country estate. As Sue settles into her act, the lines between what she’s pretending at and what she’s really feeling start to blur, and nothing is quite what it seems. This book is JUICY!

33. Rest Play Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One) / Deborah MacNamara, PhD

I read approximately one parenting book a year, and this was this year’s winner. As my eldest approached her third birthday, we started seeing bigger and bigger emotions and I wasn’t sure how to handle them respectfully and gently. This book gave me a general roadmap for acknowledging her feelings, sitting through them with her, and the concept of “collecting” your child to prevent tantrums from happening or to help calm them down afterward. I’ll be using this approach for the next few years!

34. Lughnasadh: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for Lammas / Melanie Marquis

And with this read, I’ve now read about the entire witch’s year. SO MOTE IT BE.

35. In Cold Blood / Truman Capote

How had I not read this until now? This true-crime account that kicked off the modern genre was rich in detail, compassionate to the victims, and dug deep into the psyche of the killers. The descriptions of the midwest countryside and the changing seasons also reminded me of Keith Morrison’s voiceovers on Dateline. Is Capote his inspiration?

36. I’m Afraid of Men / Vivek Shraya

A quick, short set of musings from trans musician and writer Shraya still packs an emotional punch. She writes about love and loss, toxic masculinity, breaking free of gender norms, and what it’s like to exist as a trans woman.

37. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You / Elaine N. Aron, PhD

Having long thought I might be a highly sensitive person (lots of us are!), I decided to learn more about how to better cope with stressful situations when I don’t have enough alone time or when things are too loud or when I get rattled by having too much to do any of the other myriad things that shift me into panic mode. Though some of the advice is a bit too new-agey for me (talking to your inner child, etc), some of it was practical and useful.

38. Swamplandia! / Karen Russell

The family-run alligator wrestling theme park, Swamplandia, is swimming in debt and about to close. The widowed father leaves the everglades for the mainland in a last-ditch attempt to drum up some money, leaving the three children to fend for themselves. A dark coming-of-age tale that blends magic realism, a ghost story, the absurd and a dangerous boat trip to the centre of the swamplands, this novel examines a fractured family mourning its matriarch in different ways.

39. A Mind Spread Out on the Ground / Alicia Elliott

This is a beautiful collection of personal essays brimming with vulnerability, passion, and fury. Elliott, the daughter of a Haudenosaunee father and a white mother, shares her experiences growing up poor in a family struggling with mental illness, addiction and racism. Topics touch on food scarcity, a never-ending battle with lice, parenthood and the importance of hearing from traditionally marginalized voices in literature. 

40. Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay / Elena Ferrante

The third novel in Ferrante’s Neapolitan quartet sees Elena and Lila move from their early twenties into their thirties and deal with a riot of issues - growing careers, changing political beliefs, the challenges of motherhood and romantic relationships, and existing as strong-willed, intelligent women in 1960s and 70s Italy. I’ll definitely finish the series soon.

41. Half-Blood Blues / Esi Edugyan

A small group of American and German jazz musicians working on a record find themselves holed up in Paris as the Germans begin their occupation in WW2. Hiero, the youngest and most talented member of the group, goes out one morning for milk and is arrested by the Germans, never to be heard from again. Fifty years later, the surviving members of the band go to Berlin for the opening night of a documentary about the jazz scene from that era, and soon find themselves on a road trip through the European countryside to find out what really became of Hiero all those years ago. Edugyan’s novel is a piercing examination of jealousy, ambition, friendship, race and guilt. And features a cameo by Louis Armstrong!

42. A Serial Killer’s Daughter: My Story of Faith, Love and Overcoming / Kerri Rawson

So Brad and I had just finished watching season 2 of Mindhunter, and as I browse through a neighbourhood little library, I spot this book and the serial killer in question is the BTK Killer! Naturally, I had to read it. What I didn’t realize is that this is actually a Christian book, so Rawson does write a lot about struggling with her belief in God and finding her way back to Him, etc. But there are also chapters more fitting with the true crime and memoir genres that I equally enjoyed and was creeped out by.

43. The Night Ocean / Paul La Farge

This is another book that made me feel somewhat stupid as a reader. I just know there are details or tidbits that completely went over my head that would likely enrich a better reader’s experience. In broad strokes, the novel is about a failed marriage between a psychiatrist and a writer who became dangerously obsessed with H.P. Lovecraft and the rumours that swirled around him and his social circle. The writer’s obsession takes him away from his marriage and everything else, and eventually it looks like he ends his own life. The psychiatrist is doubtful (no body was found) and she starts to follow him down the same rabbit hole. At times tense, at times funny, at times sad, I enjoyed the supposed world of Lovecraft and his fans and peers, but again, I’m sure there are deeper musings here that I couldn’t reach.

44. Glass Houses / Louise Penny

The 13th novel in Penny’s Inspector Gamache mystery series sees our hero taking big risks to fight the opioid crisis in Quebec. He and his team focus on catching the big crime boss smuggling drugs across the border from Vermont, endangering his beloved town of Three Pines in the process. 

45. The Bone Houses / Emily Lloyd-Jones

My Halloween read for the year, this dark fairytale of a YA novel was perfect for the season. Since her parents died, Ryn has taken over the family business - grave digging - to support herself and her siblings. As the gravedigger, she knows better than most that due to an old curse, the dead in the forest surrounding her village don’t always stay dead. But as more of the forest dead start appearing (and acting more violently than usual), Ryn and an unexpected companion (yes, a charming young man cause there’s got to be a romance!) travel to the heart of the forest to put a stop to the curse once and for all.

46. The Witches Are Coming / Lindy West

Another blazing hot set of essays from my favourite funny feminist take on Trump, abortion rights, #MeToo, and more importantly Adam Sandler and Dateline. As always, Lindy, please be my best friend?

47. Know My Name / Chanel Miller

This memoir is HEAVY but so, so needed. Recently, Chanel Miller decided to come forward publicly and share that she was the victim of Brock Turner’s sexual assault. She got the courage to do so after she posted her blistering and beautiful victim impact statement on social media and it went viral. Miller’s memoir is a must-read, highlighting the incredible and awful lengths victims have to go to to see any modicum of justice brought against their attackers. Miller dealt with professional ineptitude from police and legal professionals, victim-blaming, victim-shaming, depression and anxiety, the inability to hold down a job, and still managed to come out the other side of this trial intact. And in the midst of all the horror, she writes beautifully about her support system - her family, boyfriend and friends - and about the millions of strangers around the world who saw themselves in her experience.

48. Christmas Ghost Stories: A Collection of Winter Tales / Mark Onspaugh

Ghosts AND Christmas? Yes please! This quirky collection features a wide array of festively spooky tales. You want the ghost of Anne Boleyn trapped in a Christmas ornament? You got it! What about the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future drinking together in a bar? Yup, that’s here too! 

__

So, what were my top picks of the year, the books that stuck with me the most? In no particular order:

Educated

Homegoing

The Wanderers

Know My Name

Scarborough

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 15- “that’s the name of the game” -Lily

FINAL FIVE!!!   Okay, I think I would have rather had Autumn go this round but... Kevin DID need to go.  He, Autumn and Lily are HUGE threats and in all honesty I think that Chips and Juls are pretty big threats too.  I mean, they have both won an immunity anyway.  I can see anyone left winning the entire thing. Whatever immunity is I am going to work my ASS off for it.

2 minutes later

Also as soon as tribal was over I apologized to Chips but told him I knew Kevin was going to be the one going SJFLJF.  I feel like I also need to touch base with Autumn to let her know I knew what was going on but I don't want her to let it slip to Lily or anyone that I am trying to play all sides right now.   If Autumn wins immunity I think I'm going to TRY to talk people into a Lily vote... IDK, it is a risky move but I feel like it has to be done if I want to be serious about this thing and try to win.  

I feel like every time I come to write here I’m just like wow this is the most wild game I’ve played and I’m having so much fun. It still absolutely sucks to go to tribal. I hate lying. I hate the anxiety. But that’s the name of the game. I need to survive and try to make it out of this thing feeling proud with how I’ve played. I can’t believe we are at F5 and I have a decent shot of making it to the end. At this point, I’m not sure what my ideal F3 is. My main goal is to get there. Kevin really played this game socially, strategically, and physically in the challenges so it’s nice feeling like there is more of a level playing field. My heart wants to take ruthie with me to the end but ultimately I think we would split votes. If I go to the end with autumn and chips, I think autumn would likely get votes for her social and strategic game. She was able execute several last minute votes. Chips could get some votes on his ability to adapt to the game and survive so many tribals and votes. Juls is a fighter I can tell but our games weren’t as connected and she was seen as more chaotic. I think another option I have is potentially working with juls and Ruthie on this next votes to split up autumn and chips. I like that I have options but I don’t want those options to come back and bite me. I’m excited for this next immunity and hope I can pull off a win! Catch me tomorrow in this confessional writing about how I didn’t win.... but fingers are still crossed baby! Whew. Will I figure out what I’m doing? Maybe!???!!!?!!?

Okay, so I've found 50 items and I feel like there has to be AT LEAST 100.  I could be very wrong but I'm going to try my hardest to find as much as I possibly can.  I NEED A WIN!!!

9 hours later

UGHHH I didn't even get close to 100.  I'm scared that I'm not going to win but I have a little bit of hope!  I am SO NERVOUS.  I NEED THIS WIN if I want to make it to the end and possibly win.  I feel like I worked very hard for this one so we'll see. 

20 minutes later

I AM SO EXCITED!!! YAY I WON SOMETHING!!!  I'm am SHOCKED with how close everyones scores were and I literally found 'jewels' RIGHT before we were told to lock in.  I NEEDED this so bad, okay I feel like I at least accomplished a little thing and I HAVE MADE FINAL FOUR, WOO!!!   As for the vote...  I'm not sure what I'm doing, I still think Autumn NEEDS to go and I think Lily can help me get her out. Maybe.  We'll see!  I'm not going to stress about the vote tonight and just see what happens!  FINAL FOUR, YAY!!!! 

30 minutes later

I really think I am going to work with Lily this round and try to talk her into getting out Autumn.  I told her and Juls I was heading to bed but I'm hoping that maybe the three of us can work together to get Autumn out, but if Lily has a better suggestion I would be down to listen to it.   I'm interested to hear what Chips and Autumn will suggest because I feel like if I DID NOT win I would have been the one going home.  I am kind of wondering if they are going to try to go for Lily this round.  I have a lot of thinking to do about my end game.  I definitely think that Lily is my biggest competition right now but we have both kind of snaked people in the game and have played similarly so maybe it would be best to go together?  I'm not sure.   At this point I think that anyone is worthy of the win but I think I would personally vote for Lily to win against anyone left if I was a juror. 

Well....I got those nervous butterflies in my stomach. NOT in the good way. I guess this is what I get for playing the game I have. I've done what I could to try and stay out of the limelight and keep the focus off of me, but with Ruthie immune I'm nervous for the worst. Talked to Chips this morning and he said he was worried about going but I assured him he would be okay and that we would talk to Autumn about voting Juls. I talk to Ruthie she sounds like she wants to vote Autumn, I state how that would be smart to do now. Ruthie comes back and says that Juls wants to vote me out with Autumn and Chips. BIG EEP. I talk to Autumn she says she is down to vote Juls. Are Chips and Autumn playing me so good right in front of my face? I sure hope not! Can't say I'm not nervous for this one. If I go tonight, I'll be proud with the game I played but disappointed to be cut just short. I want to try and remind Autumn of what she said to me a few rounds back about keeping strong players that we want to fight with at the end. I hope that sways her to keep me around vs Juls who didn't put up her best effort at this last challenge. And if Chips is playing me rn like this DANNGGGGGGGGG. This is the most nervous I've been this season and I've been nervous this whole thing. haha Hoping I can continue my fight and convince others to keep me along for another round. Shout out to Ruthie having my back 100%. I don't honestly think I deserve it, but I love and stan the loyalty. Wish me luck poor, sweet confessional?

we are reaching the end of the game um.. shakes. i’ve literally lost pretty much ALL of my allies but i’m hoping that if no one is lying to me that i skate by to f4.. and depending on who wins final immunity.. f3. cause rn i think chips/autumn want a gryffindor final three which i am a-okay with because i genuinely think i could still have a shot at winning HHHH autumn is a kick ass player but i think i’ve really proven myself so i just really want this chance because i believe i’ve been playing such a good game. 

Me loving Lily right after Final 6: 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_J09-aQPeeGEEfoE2F7G9OlNEG4YrnW2/view?usp=sharing 

Also me in Final 5: 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1FyTOlAIf_4w0RrEE9wXxjbNXsSWwpo7j/view?usp=sharing

Alright! The vote went successfully! No powers played!! And then a weird vote split?? The immunity was find as much as you can on the blog and then you can win if you find more than everyone else. I tried... AND LOST BY ONE! Anyway Ruthie is immune and the vote is for Lily this round I'm pretty sure. I think there's some discourse so far as whether it would be between her and Juls and then it's looking like Lily and Ruthie want to vote Autumn.. it's a whirlwind. If I'm being perfectly honest this should be the round I vote out Autumn because it would give me the best chance at winning the season. But also if I'm being honest I kind of don't mind if she wins? Anyway, I don't know entirely what I will do. I'm kind of on the fence at this point. Do I stick it out with my ally or turn on her and cut her in cold blood? I could almost maybe get away with blaming the vote on Juls but I don't think that's going to work out for me. 

[fureniku]

The return of my blog or something idk

Looks like in my last blog I said I’d not post my semi-private stuff here, only to a private blog.

Honestly, I can’t remember the name of the private blog; let alone the login/password. I think I only made one post there, to zero followers, and kind of lost the point of doing it. So fuck it, lets just go back to being here.

Days since last post: 614 Todays date: 30th September 2019 Start time: 20:39

Well, I guess we have some catching up to do.

I don’t know how many people on here were following me before. So, I guess I’ll start with a sum-up. My previous blog was just me ranting about anxiety/depression related things. It was a good platform for me to vent my thoughts without real life friends knowing; I had a few RL friends who followed it which was great as they could give me some support, but most of them didn’t know about the blog, which was also great as they then didn’t know a side of me I’d generally prefer to keep private. That blog was deleted in early January 2018, when the drummer from my then-band found it. I had made some comments about my frustrations in the band which were true, and I stand by them - but naturally it caused drama. I deleted the account, and instantly regretted it - I only had maybe 50 followers, but now I have two, so yeah.  Life since then has been... chaotic. Not specifically in a bad way, just a lot of things happened. When the blog ended I was; - Single - Playing guitar in a band - Working a dead-end job in a Warehouse - Had no ambition/drive to progress life

Three of those things have since changed; I’m still single (not for lack of trying but whatevs). I guess I’ll cover a timeline? Jan 2018: I deleted my old blog, and made this one, and a second one with a more secretive/anon name. I made a couple of posts on each, then abandoned it. Instead, I started relying mostly on just one friend to help me. May 2018: I got a new job, working for a games developer. It literally changed my life. Anxiety/depression started to clear up a lot, things just generally improved. June/July-ish 2018: I left my band. There was an argument about the fact another band was using our space for free, after we had offered it to them at a split rate and they declined. I instigated the argument, other members didn’t see eye to eye with me, so I quit. It was a final nail in the coffin kind of thing, but it was certainly the healthy thing to do. The whole situation had been kind of toxic for a little while, but I now get on just fine with all of them - I think if I had stayed much longer, that might not be the case. Our vocalist left very shortly after me as well - I don’t know the reasons why, but it seems the terms were... less happy.

September 2018: I started taking Japanese classes. Met a girl, had a crush on her for a bit, it didn’t go anywhere as usual. No biggie.

December 2018: Depression came back a bit, as it always does around then. Not much I can do about it so I just power through.

February 2019: I got made redundant from work. I was cool with it, I could see it coming for a while and there was like 12 other people too, my boss had fought hard to keep me but the game wasn’t doing so well, so I totally get it. I got a nice redundancy pay (which they by no means had to give me, so I’m super grateful). I applied for a job with another studio; quite a big one called Jagex. They were far from me so it would’ve involved moving and stuff, so quite scary. I made it to the final stages, but didn’t get it.

I now had a fair lump of cash (I had been saving for a house anyway), but not quite sure what to do with it. Followers of my previous blog can probably guess what I decided to spend it on...

April 2019: I went back to Japan! My mental-health-reset trip mark 2. I spent about two and a half weeks there (despite fucking up and accidentally buying a ticket to return mid-may... whoops). I got detained in China on my way home too but that’s a whole other story (it was all sorted and fine in the end).

While in Japan, I had time to clear my head and think. I decided I wanted to go back to university, so started thinking about how that would work. Here in the UK, we get a student loan to pay for university. It’s a bit complicated, but the way it works is you get your course length plus one year of funding. The day you set foot on campus, you use one year of funding. Now, I had already been to university previously - I studied music production. Totally dead industry, I dropped out about three weeks into my second year. That meant, I only had course length minus one year’s funding left available. So I have to pay the first year of university myself. At a cool £9,250.

My dad agreed to pay one term, so one third of that. I managed to save up another terms worth by working over the summer. I’m sat in my uni dorm right now, still not quite sure how I’ll pay for the third term... but I’ve got 6 months to figure that one out.

May 2019: I returned to my original job, back in the warehouse. Picking and packing sacks of bird food, so much fun. My mental health naturally slipped again, although everyone was really friendly to me while before it was kinda like I didn’t exist, so that was nice.

Around this time, I also joined an Overwatch team. It was a pretty big team with maybe 14-15 members, it was cool to make some new friends. Except one guy, was a dick. This OW stuff is like a whole side story from hereon... Anyway, I said to my squad leader (We’ll call her SN) that this guy is a dick. She said ok and she’d go talk to him. She said do you agree you’re being a dick, he said no. She said do you acknowledge one of the squad members thinks you’re being a dick? He said no again. Some other stuff I don’t know happened, and he got kicked off the team. He turned a load of people against her, caused loads of drama, and everyone blamed her when it was 100% my fault. So that was fun. The only reason I didn’t leave the team right then is because if I had, the entire drama would’ve been for nothing.

June 2019: My old boss who didn’t work there appeared at the end of may. I have a job for you. Ominous... but ok. Turns out, there was a new system being implemented on another contract. As I had experience with QA, and had done some IT stuff for them before, they wanted me to help with the testing and implementation. It was a job that would test my brain, while requiring little physical work - it was perfect for me. I really enjoyed it. It was supposed to be a four week thing, but we found lots of niggly little problems in the system... as far as I know, it’s actually only just gone live - but may have been delayed further.

While working up there, obviously there was downtime while waiting for fixes to be implemented. “What, you want this label a different size? oof, that’s gonna take about three weeks”. However, I got to stay in the office, doing odd jobs and stuff. One of the “odd jobs” ended up being a full on Android app, that my boss and me developed together. It was super fun to work on and really rewarding. That was worked on on-and-off between June and August.

July 2019: an interesting month. There was a major incident at work where a shelf holding very heavy metal shit stirrers collapsed. (The contract was a water treatment etc company, who provide all the clean water and water recycling for my local area. The things on the shelf literally stirred shit.) No one was hurt but it was a lot of drama, which was kind of entertaining to me as I was totally bunking off for the whole week where it happened. Not just the occasionally check Facebook on your phone at work kind of bunking off; I literally just messed about on Discord and worked on Minecraft mods for about two weeks straight. They had given me quite a big project to do, I automated the process... gg ez.

Around this time, the game I had been a part of before was to be officially cancelled. My old work invited me down to the studio to be a part of the formal funeral for the game, which was a big honour. I even got to fly the sky-whale which was awesome. It was bittersweet though, as the game meant a lot to me and had literally changed my life.

August 2019: haaaaaa august was a meme. I’d gotten kinda close with a girl (we’ll call her AP) in my Overwatch team. Like, we’d arranged to meet up at the end of August anyway but yeah, she was the first crush in a long time who actually knew I liked her. And she had certainly implied she felt the same way... like she’d been sending lots of hearts and stuff and talking to me 24/7, tagging me in “X has to take you on a date to Y place” memes and so on.  Anyways, so SN had apparently picked up on the fact I liked her, and started getting super pissy with me. I was pretty good friends with SN and we got on well, but in August she suddenly started getting crazy angry with me over tiny things. It all came to a head when I let AP kill me in a game (long story). Turns out, SN was like in love with me... despite breaking up with her boyfriend of over a year like 2 days before this conversation. So yeah, she told me to fuck off and that was that, she left the team etc, which thanks to chain of command meant that I was then in charge. fun. 

Anyways, get to the end of August, and I was due to meet AP. We met up, it was pretty cool. We hung out at a gaming festival, then suddenly like half way through she was like “lets split up for a bit” and I was like ........ok thats weird but alright. We didn’t meet up again until literally when she had like 2 mins to go, but it seems like she had a lot more fun without me being there. Clearly I’d done some major fuckup, which I still don’t actually know what it was. I had an anxiety attack before I even reached my car... and not a little one either. It’s quite possibly the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had, I barely made it to my car before having a total meltdown. It was the first one I’d had for about a year and it hit hard. It took me about 30 mins to calm down, then I headed home. 

I messaged her that night and asked her what happened, and she replied with “oh I never said I liked you”. It hurt a lot, like I’d been totally lead on. But hey whatever, that’s my life in a nutshell right? “Oh you want this happiness? this happiness right infront of you? HA nah”.  She said in the same message that I “seemed cool” and she’d like to hang out again sometime. But literally within a week she was clearly interested in another guy, so yeah whatever. We’re still friends and play games from time to time but I know she likes this other guy, so yeah. I still like her but whatever, not much I can do about it.

Work was a meme as well. I got taken off the fun and interesting projects to do paperwork. Literally, my job was to scan 35,000 documents because they couldn’t find a couple of bits of information. I suggested much better and more efficient ways, but the boss of the contract was like “no thats bad do it this old fashioned way we don’t want any fancy apps or anything” (I had suggested a spreadsheet or database). It took me about 3 weeks of just standing by a scanner which would jam up every 15-20 sheets in. It was mental health hell, especially in the last week after all the AP stuff had happened.

September 2019: I had one week left at work. I finished the hellish scanning project on Monday afternoon. “Oh as a thanks for your massive hard work we’ll make sure to find you things to do for the rest of the week” No it’s fine, I’m happy to just finish a few days early so I have more time to prep for uni. “No no no, we’ll find you stuff to do” They did not find stuff for me to do. I literally sat there, with nothing to do bar a few odd jobs “hey can you fix this printer”, for four days. It was incredibly mind-numbingly dull. The only thing ticking me over was “hey, maybe they wanna give me a card on my last day or something to say good luck and bye and thanks for doing this literal £20/hr job for half that because you’re agency staff”. But nah, a few people said cya later, but a lot forgot I was leaving entirely. So that was a fun way to finish what had mostly been a decent job...

I then had two weeks of freedom, before moving to university on the 21st. I was nervous; who wouldn’t be? but it was cool. I finally moved out of my house, and had a place where I could make a lot of new friends (LOL). On the day I moved in, I met up with someone I’d spoken to online a few times who was living in the same building as me, we’ll call her S. She was nice, we got on well, and it was kinda cool to have a friend who was a girl that for once I didn’t have a crush on (coz I’m still totally hung up on AP). We ended up going to a club in the evening which I’ve literally never done in my life, and she brought me out of my comfort zone a lot. She was great for my anxiety and really helpful. We’ve hung out a few times since, but I kind of feel like I was just a “filler friend” until she made new friends. She actually totally blanked me when I walked past her today, so that was fun. She has my Switch atm too coz I let her borrow it, I’ll probably just get it back later this week and then be done, its like I put in all the effort to be a friend and she couldn’t care less.

Anyways, so as I said I moved in on Saturday. I met one of my four flatmates on Saturday and another on Sunday, but hadn’t seen the other two at all. It gets to Thursday and I’m tidying the kitchen a bit, my mum’s about to pick me up so I can move in my last few things, and one of the mystery people appeared - she hadn’t actually moved in yet and was just unloading her stuff. She had loads of kitchen stuff, seems she’s really into her cooking.

Anyway, mum picks me up, we go to get my stuff, then we’re driving back, and my phone starts blowing up. S: Are you in? Me: No, why? S: Your building’s on fire. Me: lol nice joke S: no really *picture of everyone evacuated with fire engines outside* S: It’s your floor too, idk which flat. I wasn’t far out, so found her outside when I arrived. I’ve seen people going in, not being funny but one of them looked like [one of my flatmates]. Shit.  A few mins later, the girl who had just moved in came over. You know it’s our flat right? Shit. Turns out the extractor fan on the cooker malfunctioned. I won’t share the video itself coz one of my flatmates is in it, but yeah it just started spraying molten something all over the hob and surfaces. (They said it looked like molten metal, and they were there - but I don’t see how it would’ve gotten hot enough to melt any metal. My best guess is fat that hadn’t been cleaned from last years tenants)

So yeah, we got moved into another flat. The open cupboard right there was my one - I rescued my custom cup from it that the games studio had given me. It’s no good to drink from now, but it still looks ok so I’m glad I can keep it for decorative purposes at least. The rest of the food is waste, and I have to wait for the plates etc to get cleaned. I’m currently eating ready meals out of their cook-in containers, because I don’t have any plates, and only one fork and spoon. I bought some paper plates today though so I’ll use those from tomorrow, but I still don’t have any saucepans or anything.

I wasn’t around when they sorted out the replacement accommodation. Because of that, the other four from my flat went to the same new flat together, with one new person. I was put into a different flat which also had one other person in, my building manager assured me they’re “really nice”. I asked if they knew I was coming, BM said “they’ll know when we get up there :)”. That was Thursday, today is Monday. The only food in the kitchen is mine, I’ve not seen anyone. I’m 100% positive I’m alone in this flat.

And so yeah, that’s my uni experience so far. I had my first lectures today, it was cool because I already knew all the stuff so I got to feel smart (I’m doing computer games programming, and it was mostly about design docs which I read through extensively while working at the studio, so I knew exactly how they worked etc). But, I didn’t really make any friends. I kind of joined in with a couple of other people in each lecture, but it seems like they weren’t really interested, so whatever. I had an anime society taster this evening as well, and it was when I was on my way to that that S blanked me and I just got hit my like a wave of loneliness. I didn’t make any friends at the anime society, so I kinda just gave up and came back to my flat, and started writing this. As I was getting the fire picture from above though someone asked me if I wanted to hang out, so guess I’ll see how that goes. Not holding out much hope tbh and I’m at the point of becoming a full on hermit... I mean hey, at least I’d get a perfect score on my degree if I just focus on that and eliminate any social aspect right?

Finish time: 21:38 Length:  3,302 words/16,759 characters

#depression #anxiety #new start #moving #relationships #friendships #friends #tw #trigger warning

[cyno-sexual]

Borderline personality disorder

This isn’t about justifying my actions or anything of the sort, only laying this out more so as a reminder and to be able to understand me a little better. I’m fighting this mental illness every day, and more often I fail at it too. I could write more here, but that would only be about my hate for myself or my feelings or anything really about my being. Don’t wanna do that.

Source: Wikipedia

Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD),[7] is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.[4][5] There is often frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, self-harm, and an extreme fear of abandonment.[4] Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events.[4] The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.[5] Substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD.[4] BPD increases the risk of self-harm and 10% of people affected die by suicide.[4][5]

BPD's causes are unclear, but seem to involve genetic, brain, environmental, and social factors.[4][6] It occurs about five times more often in a person who has an affected close relative.[4] Adverse life events also appear to play a role.[8] The underlying mechanism appears to involve the frontolimbic network of neurons.[8] BPD is recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as a personality disorder, along with nine other such disorders.[5] Diagnosis is based on the symptoms while a medical exam may be done to rule out other problems.[4] The condition must be differentiated from an identity problem or substance use disorders, among other possibilities.[5]

Borderline personality disorder is typically treated with therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).[4]Another type, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) may reduce the risk of suicide.[4] Therapy may occur one-on-one, or in a group.[4] While medications do not cure BPD, they may be used to help with the associated symptoms.[4]Some people require care in hospital.[4]

About 1.6% of people have BPD in a given year.[4] Females are diagnosed about three times as often as males.[5]It appears to become less common among older people.[5] Up to half of people improve over a ten-year period.[5]People affected typically use a high amount of healthcare resources.[5] There is an ongoing debate about the naming of the disorder, especially the suitability of the word "borderline".[4] The disorder is often stigmatized in both the media and psychiatric field.[9]

Borderline personality disorder may be characterized by the following signs and symptoms:

Markedly disturbed sense of identity

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions to such

Splitting ("black-and-white" thinking)

Impulsivity and impulsive or dangerous behaviours

Intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation

Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships

Self-damaging behavior

Distorted self-image[4]

Dissociation

Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage

The most distinguishing symptoms of BPD are marked sensitivity to rejection or criticism, and intense fear of possible abandonment.[10] Overall, the features of BPD include unusually intense sensitivity in relationships with others, difficulty regulating emotions, and impulsivity. Other symptoms may include feeling unsure of one's personal identity, morals, and values; having paranoid thoughts when feeling stressed; dissociation and depersonalization; and, in moderate to severe cases, stress-induced breaks with reality or psychotic episodes.

Emotions

People with BPD may feel emotions with greater ease, depth and for a longer time than others do.[11][12] A core characteristic of BPD is affective instability, which generally manifests as unusually intense emotional responses to environmental triggers, with a slower return to a baseline emotional state.[13][14] People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard for people and great disappointment in them.[15] In Marsha Linehan's view, the sensitivity, intensity, and duration with which people with BPD feel emotions have both positive and negative effects.[14] People with BPD are often exceptionally enthusiastic, idealistic, joyful, and loving.[16] However, they may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions ("anxiety, depression, guilt/shame, worry, anger, etc."), experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness.[16]

People with BPD are also especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, criticism, isolation, and perceived failure.[17] Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their very negative emotions may lead to emotional isolation, self-injury or suicidal behavior.[18] They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, they shut them down entirely.[14] This can be harmful to people with BPD, since negative emotions alert people to the presence of a problematic situation and move them to address it which the person with BPD would normally be aware of only to cause further distress.[14] People with BPD may feel emotional relief after cutting themselves.[19]

While people with BPD feel euphoria (ephemeral or occasional intense joy), they are especially prone to dysphoria (a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction), depression, and/or feelings of mental and emotional distress. Zanarini et al. recognized four categories of dysphoria that are typical of this condition: extreme emotions, destructiveness or self-destructiveness, feeling fragmented or lacking identity, and feelings of victimization.[20] Within these categories, a BPD diagnosis is strongly associated with a combination of three specific states: feeling betrayed, "feeling like hurting myself", and feeling out of control.[20] Since there is great variety in the types of dysphoria experienced by people with BPD, the amplitude of the distress is a helpful indicator of borderline personality disorder.[20] In addition to intense emotions, people with BPD experience emotional "lability"; or in other words, changeability. Although the term emotional lability suggests rapid changes between depression and elation, the mood swings in people with this condition actually fluctuate more frequently between anger and anxiety and between depression and anxiety.[21]

Behavior

Impulsive behavior is common, including substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners, reckless spending, and reckless driving.[22] Impulsive behavior may also include leaving jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury.[23] People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them the feeling of immediate relief from their emotional pain.[23] However, in the long term, people with BPD suffer increased pain from the shame and guilt that follow such actions.[23] A cycle often begins in which people with BPD feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain.[23] As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain.[23]

Self-harm and suicide

Self-harming or suicidal behavior is one of the core diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5.[5] Self-harm occurs in 50 to 80% of people with BPD. The most frequent method of self-harm is cutting.[24] Bruising, burning, head banging or biting are not uncommon with BPD.[24]

The lifetime risk of suicide among people with BPD is between 3% and 10%.[10][25] There is evidence that men diagnosed with BPD are approximately twice as likely to die by suicide as women diagnosed with BPD.[26] There is also evidence that a considerable percentage of men who die by suicide may have undiagnosed BPD.[27]

The reported reasons for self-harm differ from the reasons for suicide attempts.[18] Nearly 70% of people with BPD self-harm without trying to end their life.[28] Reasons for self-harm include expressing anger, self-punishment, generating normal feelings (often in response to dissociation), and distracting oneself from emotional pain or difficult circumstances.[18] In contrast, suicide attempts typically reflect a belief that others will be better off following the suicide.[18] Both suicide and self-harm are a response to feeling negative emotions.[18] Sexual abuse can be a particular trigger for suicidal behavior in adolescents with BPD tendencies.[29][quantify]

Interpersonal relationships

People with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, by feeling intense joy and gratitude at perceived expressions of kindness, and intense sadness or anger at perceived criticism or hurtfulness.[30] Their feelings about others often shift from admiration or love to anger or dislike after a disappointment, a threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value. This phenomenon, sometimes called splitting, includes a shift from idealizing others to devaluing them.[31] Combined with mood disturbances, idealization and devaluation can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers.[32] Self-image can also change rapidly from healthy to unhealthy.

While strongly desiring intimacy, people with BPD tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied attachment patterns in relationships,[33] and they often view the world as dangerous and malevolent.[30] BPD, like other personality disorders, is linked to increased levels of chronic stress and conflict in romantic relationships, decreased satisfaction on the part of romantic partners, abuse, and unwanted pregnancy.[34]

Sense of self

People with BPD tend to have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy.[35] They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause people with BPD to experience feeling "empty" and "lost".[35]

Cognitions

The often intense emotions experienced by people with BPD can make it difficult for them to control the focus of their attention—to concentrate.[35] In addition, people with BPD may tend to dissociate, which can be thought of as an intense form of "zoning out".[36] Dissociation often occurs in response to experiencing a painful event (or experiencing something that triggers the memory of a painful event). It involves the mind automatically redirecting attention away from that event, presumably to protect against experiencing intense emotion and unwanted behavioral impulses that such emotion might otherwise trigger.[36] Although the mind's habit of blocking out intense painful emotions may provide temporary relief, it can also have the unwanted side effect of blocking or blunting the experience of ordinary emotions, reducing the access of people with BPD to the information contained in those emotions, which helps guide effective decision-making in daily life.[36] Sometimes, it is possible for another person to tell when someone with BPD is dissociating, because their facial or vocal expressions may become flat or expressionless, or they may appear to be distracted; at other times, dissociation may be barely noticeable.[36]

Disability

Many people with BPD are able to work if they find appropriate jobs and their condition is not too severe. People with BPD may be found to have a disability in the workplace, if the condition is severe enough that the behaviors of sabotaging relationships, engaging in risky behaviors, or intense anger prevent the person from functioning in their professional role.[37]

#manami rants #feeling of emptiness and lost is pretty much present even now #but what does it matter anyways am i right #im just a mistake