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katieurah · 4 years

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Guys, I can’t get Elorcan as Zoommates outta my head. So I write it. And it’s a mess. But here I am posting anyways. Yikes.

Forgive my terrible attempts at writing out sounds of a coffee grinder. I hear one every morning, but still.....

Also, still titleless.

..........................................................

Whiiirrrrrrr. Sccrrrrr. Whiiiiiirrrrr.

Lorcan glared with bleary eyes at his coffee grinder struggling to keep up with the too-large scoop he’d tossed in that morning. He opened the latch and poured the grounds out into the pour over basket and set it to steep.

Extra butter went on his toast that morning, fried eggs instead of a healthy protein shake, and regular bacon - not turkey baked in the oven. Oh, no, not today, he’d thought as he laid the strips in the cast iron pan. He needed all the grease, comfort, and caffeine life could afford him for his day.

Seven months. Seven months, one week, and four days to be exact. His goddaughter’s dedication was perfect. The day was perfect. Until.

He finished his coffee, plated his breakfast, and walked to the office to turn on his system. And brood. Apparently he was good at that.

Elide. She was the other perfect thing about that day. But, apparently he was as self-absorbed as she claimed. How did he not know about that break-up? He and Elide were friends. They had a connection. A spark. Or so he thought.

As Rowan’s oldest friend and former military buddy, he’d always been around. He knew Elide from the start of Rowan and Aelin’s relationship. Aelin’s cousin was more like a sister and was always there. They talked. They chatted about life. He thought they were friends. Then one day, friends didn’t seem like enough. He didn’t like that she went home earlier than everyone else and he couldn’t seem to talk to her. He had tried to compose about a million different texts to her, but nothing seemed right. He followed her Instagram and Facebook, but messaging her there felt like he’d just be sliding into her DMs, which made Lorcan’s skin crawl.

But, how had he not known about the breakup? How had he not known there was someone to break up with? She never said a word. Had she? He speared his fork through an egg and watched the clock. His computer system was up and running, but he realized after Elide’s haste and hatred in logging off yesterday, they never specified times for working today. He really thought 7:00 was too early to be video calling her. Mornings were not her thing. She’d probably shoot a virus through to his system. And if anyone could get one in his through his security protocols and firewalls, it was her.

He ran through a few of his other projects while waiting, sipping his coffee and watching the clock. As 8:30 rolled around, he logged into the chat portal to ask what time they should start. As he was typing the first words, the screen lit up with a message:

>> Okay, Salvaterre. What time are we doing this?

He smirked at the sass in those eight words.

<< Whenever you want, Lochan. I’m all set up.

>> Gimme 5.

He chuckled as he imagined her getting her area cleaned off, checking her hair, and taking deep breaths before logging on.

The 3-tone alert for a video chat came through and Lorcan switched the camera and mic on. Here we go.

…

Elide scrambled to get her hair pulled into a semi-decent bun on her head. She was at least wearing a nicer sweater this morning, even if she was still rocking glasses and no-makeup. Deeming her work area decent enough to be seen on camera, she grabbed her iced coffee and pressed the call button.

Deep breaths. Deep. Breaths.

Lorcan Salvaterre was on this planet to torment her, she was sure of it. They’d been… acquaintances? Friends? Something? Ever since Aelin and Rowan had started dating, Elide and Lorcan were along for the ride. They had a lot in common. It was so easy to talk to him. They had fun together. He made her laugh. She soon wondered how easy it would be to date. To hold hands, to kiss, to… everything. But he’d never seemed interested in more than whatever it was they’d been, so she went on dates. She went out with other guys and even a few second dates. Then a real relationship. For a few months anyways. She was sure she’d told him about it.

Anyways, who asks someone else out while they’re crying from a break up? And while they’re buzzed? Ridiculous.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Nice of you to join me,” Lorcan crooned, eyebrow raised, small smile on his face. She was not a morning person. Never had been. And he knew it.

“Can we not? I haven’t even finished my coffee yet and it’s too early for your….your… it’s just too early…” She groaned at not even being able to formulate snark this early.

“What you’re drinking - that’s not coffee. It’s cream and sugar pretending to be all grown up.”

“Oh, yes, because your pretentious single-sourced pour-over makes you an expert,” Elide sniped back. Lorcan always drank the strongest, blackest coffee and it was always some single-origin that he had various methods for brewing.

It would be too easy to fall into their banter. Too easy to believe he wasn’t an asshole. She needed some distance between them before it got too comfortable.

“So, I’ve been asked to make sure support services on the public side and the internal side secure and protect privacy rights. Here’s how we’re currently trying to keep that up,” Elide said as she launched into discussing protocols, servers, firewalls, identity management systems, and anything else they thought was necessary.

Lorcan was all business, professional to a fault, and courteous as they shared information. He asked great questions and traded scenarios with her. They worked for several hours getting a feel for what each department offered and wanted.

At noon, Elide’s stomach rumbled, drawing a chuckle from Lorcan.

“Geeze, El, hiding a gremlin over there? Go eat. We can pick up after one, yeah?”

She scowled back at him. Teasing her and using a nickname? Nope. “Sure, Salvaterre,” she said shortly, trying to put distance back between them. She almost felt guilty when she thought he looked startled, but his face went back to it’s neutral, calm, emotionless expression. She logged off the video chat and rubbed her hands over her face. How was this ever going to work?

…

As the chat window went dark, Lorcan sighed through his nose. He tried. He still had no idea why her ire with him went that deep.

Lorcan strolled to his kitchen to get his protein shake ready. Before he could start the blender, his phone chimed. He swiped at the screen to read the messages.

Young Pup: So, old man, how’s the “partnership” going?

Lorcan sighed again. Fenrys somehow knew he and Elide were working together. This couldn’t be good.

Sarge: Fine.

He watched the three dots bounce and disappear a few times.

Young Pup: Elide’s not got your balls in a twist yet?

Hawkeye has been added to the chat.

Lorcan groaned. Fen adding Rowan wasn’t a good sign either.

Young Pup: Ro, do we need to have an intervention with El? Two days working with the old man here and yet he’s alive and responding to our messages. Somethings wrong!

Hawkeye: Fen, knock it off.

Hawkeye: El’s a professional. I give it a week before we need to worry about her.

Lorcan rolled his eyes and didn’t even worry about checking Fenrys’ reply and put the phone on vibrate. He finished making his shake and walked to the living room. As he sat on the couch, his phone buzzed for a phone call. Glancing at the screen, Lorcan saw Rowan’s name at the top of the screen. He sighed and answered.

“I’m playing nice, I promise.”

Rowan laughed softly on the other end. “I bet. Look, Fen found out that you needed to work with their support services department and put two and two together about Elide. Aelin and I knew that Elide’s boss was going to ask you two to work together…” He trailed off, as if he didn’t know how to finish that thought.

“Just because we haven’t seen each other or spoken in months doesn’t mean I can’t do my job,” Lorcan said, a bite to his words.

“Hey, man, I know you can. It’s not that...It’s… Look, A is just worried. You two are Ellie’s godparents and you’re at odds right now. And I’m a little worried, too, about you both. You’ll let me know if things get worse, right?”

“Yeah, man, of course.”

“Good. And-” Rowan suddenly swore. “I gotta go. Ellie’s crying and A’s in the shower. Call me later and we’ll talk, yeah?”

“Sure.” Lorcan hung up. He looked at the time, downed his shake, and went back to his computers. Security systems and technology, those things he knew. People? Women? Foreign languages to him. He still couldn’t figure out why Elide was so pissed with him. Couldn’t figure out why Rowan and Aelin thought things would get worse. And now it was affecting his job.

It was going to be a long project.

#and they were zoomates #elorcan #lorcan salvaterre #elide lochan #elide x lorcan #tog au #modern au

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namfine · 3 years

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Hello All!

It’s ~Admin Zesty~ here, and I’m sad to say I’ve been booked a one-way ticket on the departing train. I feel it’s my duty to our readers to explain why, in the hopes that those involved can learn and grow from this.

As a disclaimer, I don’t claim to speak for Umami and Fizzy; they have been cordial in taking their leave, and everything I’m about to say stems from my own observations and conclusions. A lot has come to the surface in the past 24 hours, putting together puzzle pieces that none of us knew about. I’ll get to that in a moment, but I have to say this: Umami and Fizzy have been cordial. I will not. I was asked to leave; but more on that later.

I tend to let things pass; I’m a fairly easy-going person. I’m not one to pick fights and will often let things slide, or assume I’m imagining them. I like to give my friends the benefit of the doubt, which they deserve until proven otherwise. The boiling point for me with this was a brief argument I got into with Tart right before Christmas. This was not the first time I felt like Tart was looking for a fight, which heavily contributed to the overflow that followed. I expressed my distaste at people not wearing masks in the Atlanta airport while I was sitting waiting for my flight (a photo of the airport, me = masked, captioned “I hate the South”). Tart immediately jumped on me, claiming I was “belittling the work of Black activists in Atlanta” by “generalizing the South” - the South, which I know intimately well, having been raised in the Carolinas for 16 years of my life. My wealth of experience, in addition to the physical experience I was having in that airport, was invalid in the face of Tart’s experience living in the rural Midwest- which is, of course, exactly the same as the Bible Belt.

This may seem like a small grievance to some, but to me, it was the straw on the camel’s back. I left every server - the general discord, our private writing discord, and the Namjoon server where we all met. I work a very demanding full-time job, which is stressful enough as it is; I couldn’t allow my hobby to stress me out too. I just had to get away for my mental health, just so I could breathe. I did not unfollow or block any of the other admins on any social medias - not private DM’s on discord, Snapchat, Instagram, etc. Immediately, Fizzy and Umami reached out to ask if I was okay, and I explained that I just needed a break.

Tart reached out to apologize, and the apology seemed sincere. We reconciled, but there was no further attempt to reach out and invite me back to any of the servers. I was content to just take a break and let this go, and return to writing when I felt ready - and that’s where things remained since then, up until today. I remained in cordial contact with the other admins, apart from Tart but I did not believe there was any hostility.

When Umami posted their departure, I noticed the post on the blog. I reached out to them, asking if they were okay, and they explained to me the circumstances surrounding their decision to leave. Many of our experiences were similar, once we starting talking. I was sympathetic to their decision, but still felt committed to taking a leave of absence and returning when the time was right. Then, as many of you have already seen, Fizzy left as well. Umami and Fizzy both made the decision to leave separately; Umami posted the same message she posted on the Tumblr and the general Discord in the private server before leaving everything without another word. After Fizzy made her decision, she reached out to me on behalf of Tart and Minty - the first I’ve heard from Tart since we reconciled, and the first I’ve heard from Minty regarding the blog at all, albeit indirectly. They asked me to announce my departure, never having bothered to check-in with me themselves, firsthand.

All of this stems from the bigger issues at play here, which I’d like to talk about, in what detail I can. As I said before, these are my own observations and conclusions; but I think they’re important, and I’m going to make sure I’m heard. Tart and Minty both contributed to a toxic environment, and it’s only after leaving that I’ve been able to see it for what it was. It’s been building up to the point that two other admins decided to leave of their own accord, and if that doesn’t tell you the state of things, I’m not sure what will.

Near the end, Tart stopped being supportive of not only me, but also Umami. They were so caught up in themselves that ideas pitched were blatantly ignored or outrightly criticized. They made me feel alienated a lot of the time, something I’ve come to realize was not solely my experience. They disregarded my vents while at the same time demanding attention and validation of their own, several times a day. They are possessive over Jungkook to the point where the rest of us stopped writing about him, out of fear of getting snapped at. They complained about the lack of likes or attention from followers, while also managing to complain about attention from followers. They are judgy, condescending, and belittling to others that they deem lesser - which includes me, supposedly their friend. They constantly contradict themselves in various situations, taking whatever viewpoint best enables them to start a fight. There was also a multitude of microaggressions that I only noticed the magnitude of in retrospect; but that is Umami’s story, and it’s not my place to say any more on the matter.

Umami has told me that she will be elaborating more on this, and for those who would like to hear her side of the story, you will find it on her new blog here.

Minty is Tart’s more tactful twin. She is either oblivious to the actions of Tart or outrightly ignores them, exhibiting the same lack of support that Tart has always displayed. She’s complacent with the constant bullying and abuse of both her fellow admins and members of the blog's discord. It’s bystander apathy to the highest degree at best, and enabling at worst. Throughout all of this, Minty has not once reached out to me to address any of this.

Throughout the past month, I did not reach out to Tart or Minty. I felt like after the apology with Tart it was the assailant's job to instigate the conversation of whether or not the one who was upset (me) would like to join the group again. That conversation was never had, and I never stated that I wanted to leave. It's not fair to expect me to grovel to the other admins and beg to be returned to my position. I felt the apology went well, and I was content to leave it all in the past. Instead, the other admins just assumed since I had left the discord, I therefore left the blog. Had the apology been sincere, I would have been welcomed back with open arms.

I thought you were my friends, but friends don’t treat each other like this. Friends don’t make each other feel like they have to walk on eggshells around them. Friends should support each other and lift each other up, not turn everything into a competition or a fight. If I had realized that others around me were feeling the same way, I would not have sat silent for this long. For that, I apologize - to Umami, and to you, readers.

I was asked to leave, so I’m leaving. This is my exit. I will be taking my work with me, just as Umami did. Umami was kind enough to invite me to join her on her other blog, so I will be housing my works there. I will be writing more in the future, so if you enjoyed any of my work, please feel free to follow me over there.

I want to thank you, readers, for taking the time to support my work. I feel like I’ve grown a lot as a writer since we started this, and it used to be a lot of fun. I hope to recapture that joy with a fresh start, and I hope that you come join me, if you feel so inclined.

But in case I don’t see you…click here.

~Admin Zesty~

#bts fic #bts smut #bts fanfiction #adminzesty #zestyOUT #holllaaaaa

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themockingcrows · 3 years

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Doki Doki Grist Panic! Ch. 2

John/Dave cw: canon typical violence ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27802735/chapters/68120641

Being a magical boy was, in essence, a life long gig. If you did well and kept the peace and grew in power, you could be granted freedom from the fate that was chosen for you from the denizens with their aspects. Sometimes. Other times, you could make it all that way and still have your hand forced in unpredictable ways.

The scent of blood ran through Dave’s nose, and with it the feeling of power rushing through his own. The enemy had been a big one, and he’d been very young, new to the mantle. He still didn’t know how to fight with his blade properly, too used to the one handed flailing that constituted practice with his brother on the rooftop. It had been too big, too much to handle alone, at least without unlocking a top tier ability that came with a terrible price. The words of Hephaestus rang through Dave’s ears, guiding his hands to drop the sword and instead focus on the time turners, the mystic assisting devices he bore.

He scratched forwards, backwards, then spun them both at the same time without thinking, feeling the rush of time like a punch to the stomach. He’d nearly vomited, holding onto his bile through sheer spite alone, and landed in the past. Standing behind himself, he waited until the moment was right before rushing forwards, leaping over his own striking form, and landing on the monster’s face. He planted a hand on its warm flesh and sunk his gloved fingers in to secure his grip before turning the timetables again, forcing time to freeze entirely.

The nausea came again, and Dave became acutely aware of his own heartbeat, the understanding of what was happening right then and there. Time was ticking down on his own clock, life but a borrowed timepiece itself, the high price to pay for messing with the flow of time.

Fitting, really.

Dave summoned his sword back to his hand and lifted his hands, striking what looked like a weak spot on the massive beast… and immediately was whipped off as time surged back into its normal flow, slamming back into a wall and sliding down to the ground limply.

Bro was there.

He wasn’t alone, Bro was there. He could hear his voice, but as if through a tunnel before his ears started ringing, and couldn’t lift his head up to reply properly. His sword was still embedded in the creature, but it wasn’t enough to take it down. Bro had his katana. Even if he wasn’t a magical boy any longer, even if he was at risk, he still had his weapon and a lot of power on his side. The monster soon fell in half, sliced as if by a clean saw blade, grist pouring out of it like a pinata up into the air to bounce and begin returning from whence it had come.

That was a hero.

One strike, and that was all it had taken. Bro went to his knee afterwards, clutching at his heart and breathing hard, feeling the pang of the echo of Yaldabaoth once more.

That was really a hero. He’d fought even though that strike had cost him. Even though there was no way to reverse what he’d done, giving his power up to restore the peace in a cataclysmic event. Even though every exertion could be his last, heart weakened by the exchange.

He was a hero, and yet Dave was the magical one now, and he needed to figure out how the fuck to live up to that kind of exchange. Given the feeling earlier during the fight, the sensation of his life altering, Dave was able to glimpse likely how his own life would end someday. ...Would he make it to old age, still? Or would he go young? It would depend on how he fought, and on how things worked out, he supposed.

Dave lost consciousness.

When he woke up it was in a cold sweat in his own bed, tangled in his sheets, chest heavy and face pale. He sat bolt upright and rubbed his face with both hands before slowly creeping out of bed and making his way to his brother’s room, peeking in on him. Waiting. Watching for his broad chest to rise and fall. When it did, proving he was still alive, Dave finally felt like he could breathe.

That dream again. When would he be able to stop having that dream? When he was able to surpass a monster of that level on his own and make it look so easy? Or when he’d spent so much time that every second counted? He’d been careless a few times, had left time frozen for too long at different times to be thorough instead of just slowing it, cementing the use of even more of his own time. How much did he have left? What about Bro, how much did he have left? Could Dave share some of his time with him?

It didn’t work like that, and Dave knew it. But fuck did he wish it did.

Quietly, he went to get a juice from the fridge before padding back to his room and his phone, popping onto discord to scroll the different servers he was in. People in different timezones had posted some prime quality memes and he wanted to stay on top of things, sharing and redistributing from place to place to help choice ones spread easier. He checked his SB&HJ server and was pleased to see that it was absolute chaos.

Dave had changed screens and was starting to read an article someone had linked when his phone buzzed in his hand, alerting him to a new DM.

John.

ectoBiologist: hey, i know it’s early but i saw you logged on so i thought it’d be alright to send this.

ectoBiologist: when i got my copy of sburb there was a key for an extra copy! would you like it?

ectoBiologist: we could play while watching the lets play from space needle, see if we find any secrets before them!

Dave grinned at his phone. Who was he to turn down a free videogame? Especially one he already wanted.

turntechGodhead: yeah man sign me up

turntechGodhead: im sure we can break that thing ten ways from sunday once we pass the character creation screen

ectoBiologist: oh dave, why dream so small? we can break it starting from the character screen.

turntechGodhead: sounds like a challenge

turntechGodhead: first one to find a game breaking glitch wins

Dave chattered with John for a while before eventually falling back to sleep, grateful to find his dreams a little more cheerful. Fanciful even, to the point where even Dirk would no doubt tease him. Simple dreams of a kiss, going somewhere quiet, and exploring a bit further of each other...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A videogame was a small price to pay to get to talk to Dave more, John decided. The code was easy enough to get, and while it was a foolish waste of time, it was a foolish waste of time with someone that intrigued him. The internet signals from Earth had been available during his trip here, and while it was majority trite, a video about space and technology had caught his interest, cementing his focus on the lets play channel Space Needle. John set his communicator- No… His cellphone. He set the cellphone down and went to a mirror, staring himself down.

Corruption ate at him, skin a dark gray and eyes far too bright, trails of dark wind caressing his white hair. John existed in a state of flow and movement, drifting from place to place comfortably. It took effort to remember to walk sometimes, but when under cover, he needed to be sure to keep both feet flat on the ground as much as he needed to keep his appearance ‘normal’. Here though, here in his makeshift home, he was free to float as he pleased, and did so to make his way from the mirror to the tanks where the beasts were grown.

Ectobiology was something that took a hell of a lot of grist, as was normal biology. So much grist, so little time. He stroked the front of the tank of a chess piece and bit his lip, wondering if it would be ready to go yet, or if he’d need to rely on the imps much longer. There were always the ogres… but the chess pieces would be his best bet for gathering the grist he needed for his home world.

The wind whipped his hair harder as he thought of home, remembering the deaths, the torrents of destruction, the wave after wave of defeats that had brought his world to its knees. He hadn’t been strong enough to fix everything by himself. But now… now there was a way. A way to bring it all back, maybe even stronger than before, and restore his planet to its rightful state.

He just needed a planet worth of grist to restore his own to the way things were. And, conveniently, here was a planet chock fucking full of it, ripe for the taking. John just needed to reach out and take it.

The boy in red was going to be a nuisance, though, he could already feel it. Someone with the power to not only stop swarms of imps, but to restore grist to its natural place? What a pain! What if there were more of them? This place was just his first stop, he needed seed grist as it were to start his little project. Chess monsters didn’t grow on their own without grist, and the natural grown grist was going slowly. He needed more. Heaps and heaps off it, not the pennies worth he’d been able to scrounge so far.

John needed to think bigger.

A chime from his cellphone made him blink and drift lazily back over, checking it. Ah. New upload from Space Needle. They’d already begun to play SBURB and the first episode was a walkthrough of them messing with the character creation screen from the thumbnail, to create the most amazingly terrible creation to inhabit the game from the get go.

Admirable.

He hoped Dave and he were able to do nearly as much as they were able to do, John was curious to see what Dave would come up with.

...Dave.

Dave was another issue, John realized.

The life on Earth was just most grist for the taking, but this Dave fellow looked interesting. He had an attractive face and long, reedy limbs that he seemed to like hiding beneath baggy clothes, soft looking blonde hair. John wanted to keep looking at him rather than listen to the professor talk about whatever the fuck he assumed was important for Earthlings to learn, but it would have just blown his cover to stand out further.

Someone that attractive, and into the same things he was, was picking at the scab of loneliness in John’s heart. The wound of solitude that he’d borne since his home world fell apart. Could he really destroy the Earth and all its inhabitants when he knew one of them was precious to him?

Perhaps.

Or, better yet, what if he could convince Dave to love him? If he loved him, he could convince him to come with him to his home, to his real world. A better world than this one. They could be together still, and things would go back to normal like they were before, and he could return to his house with all of his things and have someone like Dave on his arm.

A pretty daydream, but a daydream nonetheless.

Drifting once more, phone in hand, John sent a few more messages to Dave while he was offline before dropping the connection and heading towards his tech once again. Imps were worthless. Maybe if there was an ogre as backup…. Yes, that should do it. That should get some of the results he wanted.

Soon enough, he would have this world on its knees. John just hoped he could get Dave into his hand before the point of no return.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A few weeks had passed since first meeting John properly, and Dave already couldn’t imagine hanging out with anyone else. They had so much in common, and every other minute Dave was able to spare was spent deep in conversation with him on discord. They’d begun playing SBURB together, and while they weren’t able to find all the glitches and game breaks that the girls over on Space Needle were able to find, they’d been able to find their own brand of shenanigans. Dave had secured John a special weapon from his own guardian that he was able to use in his game, and John was able to find ways to essentially reach from area to area like a glitch warp.

The girls had ripped into SBURB like none other, and it was exciting to watch their numbers to climb with new fans who were enjoying their work as much as Dave and John did. The fandom was growing, and even in Dave’s other servers people were starting to share the memes.

The day that John asked if he wanted to go hang out had been, at first, an immediate ‘yes’ from Dave. ...Till he realized that this was less a hangout and more of a date. Instead of their shooting the shit at and near campus, they met up to watch a movie, instead of fast food they went to a restaurant and John said he’d foot the bill. Dave couldn’t relax properly. Was this okay? Was this really what he thought it was, or was this just a changeup of a hangout formula? If it was a date, was that okay too? Did Dave even have time for a boyfriend?

The idea was appealing… And didn’t he have a right to some kind of happiness for himself? He had to keep his secrets, but surely he could balance it all?

John slipped his warm fingers around Dave’s as they left the restaurant, and soon they were laced together, casual as could be, while Dave struggled to keep a calm face on. Hand. Holding hands. When was the last time he held hands with someone? His face felt like it was burning off, and all he could do to keep calm was keep his facial muscles under control in the form of small grins and darting glances behind his shades as they walked.

They made it all the way back to Dave’s apartment like that before John released his hand and returned his own to his pockets. Dave curled his fingers a few times at his sides before stuffing his hands into his pockets as well, casual as could be.

“Wanna do that again sometime? I had a lot of fun,” John said, grinning at him the same way he smiled at everything he liked a lot.

“Yeah, I would. I had fun too.” Fun was an understatement.

They stood awkwardly together then for a moment, watching the cars pass by on the road out front, Dave unsure if he should invite John up without warning Bro, and John unsure if he should do what he wanted to. In the end, John was the one who acted. He leaned and pressed a kiss to Dave’s cheek before pulling back and taking a few steps backwards.

“I should get going, my dad would be upset if I’m gone too long,” he said.

Still more or less in shock, ears ringing, Dave just nodded.

"Right. Yeah, that’d. That’d be bad. Don’t want a mad dad.”

“Yeah,” John chuckled. “See you later, Dave!” he said, adding a wave as he turned and headed off.

Dave was left on his stoop waving for a good thirty seconds before his brain caught up with what had happened and he dropped his arm, wide eyed. Okay. This was a problem. A good problem? But a problem. He turned and raced his way upstairs to his apartment, rattling his keys before managing to unlock the door and get in, leaning against it once he slammed it shut. He stayed there a few seconds before slowly sliding down to the ground, still wide eyed.

Bro, who was alert and watching everything now that Dave was inside, only lifted a brow.

“Need me to beat his ass? What happened.”

“No, no, just. It was great. Everything was great.”

“Then what’s the problem, you look like you got hit by a truck.”

“I just. ...fuck, man, is this aright?” he finally asked from the floor, looking towards the futon. “Is it okay to have this?”

“Why you askin’ me?” Bro asked, brow raising. “That’s your damn business.”

“Yeah but like. If you were in my position and a guy wanted to go out with you, would you?”

“Bet your ass I would, those boots ain’t gonna knock themselves.”

“Not what I meant,” Dave groaned, rubbing his face before looking down at his hands, wiggling the fingers of the one John had held for so long. It still felt warmer than the other somehow. “Like. ...Is it safe? What if I put him at risk? What if he finds out?”

“Better not find out, and he’s only in as much risk as you put him in,” Bro shrugged. “I dunno man, it’s a sticky situation. There’s no right or wrong answers, only smart or increasingly stupid ones.”

Dave made an uncertain noise from the ground before standing up and dusting his ass off, going to the fridge for more jui-

“We’re out.”

“Oh yeah, I drank the last one. Wanna come with me to the store and help heft shit?”

“Yeah. No heftin’ for you,” Dave said pointedly. “You can drag the granny cart. Just take that stupid plush off of it.”

“Excuse you, Sir Wilmington Squeaks is not goin’ anywhere but on a fine trip to the grocery store,” Bro said, already standing to get the folded up shopping cart with a smuppet strapped aboard the top. “He makes a great lid, keeps stuff from bouncin’ out when it goes up the stairs.”

Though Dave made a face, he was charmed still. This was a normal day, more normal than he'd had for a while. One of, hopefully, many to come. If only peace from outside threats was more constant.

#johndave #john egbert #dave strider #homestuck #my fic

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bluejaysfeathers · 3 years

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There’s something that has been on my mind for a while and it’s still not letting me sleep so I want to talk about it a little, and that’s the reasons that Twitch Partner X33N decided to ban me from his community. There’s a few things I want to clarify from the beginning. First, he is not obligated to be my friend, because that’s not how friendship works. If he feels that what I said to his moderator was a betrayal then, well, that’s not what I intended, but I quite literally cannot stop him. Second, this is not about what Karacorvus said. X33N has made it very clear that he doesn’t think her words were transphobic, and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. And finally, this is not me accusing him of being transphobic. I fully believe that he has always had good intentions toward the trans/nb community and he has been very apologetic in the past about his difficulty with they/them pronouns. People can not find things transphobic without being transphobes themselves.

So. Depending on where you want to get into it, this story begins two years ago, or a year and a half ago, or last summer, or a month ago. Frankly, thinking about the good times we had and the advice he gave me about my mental health just hurts right now, so I’ll skip over the details, but suffice it to say that this man knew some extremely personal things about me and I trusted him implicitly. Last summer, given the state of the world with the pandemic as well as his perfectly understandable personal stress, his streams shifted away from the focus on the community and mental health as he, in his own words, began to rely on streaming with others to make up the energy. At the time, I tried to bring it up to him and was essentially told that he wasn’t forcing me to watch, and that the focus was shifting due to his energy levels. Before that I had been a dedicated viewer of every stream I could catch, but after that I started skipping a few of the more obviously non-community-focused streams. Which brings us to the last-summer portion of the beginning of this story. I’m starting here because he seems to include it in his reasoning, and because it seems to have colored his view of everything I did since then, including an incident that involved several friends of mine who were not him. Essentially, after a while of seeing that nothing was changing, I messaged a moderator (whose last message to me before this had been “I never reveal my sources”) something along the lines of ‘do you think X33N would even notice if we all didn’t show up one night bc that’s what’s going to happen if he keeps this up.’ (I’m not going back through long deleted dms to find exact wordings). This moderator took my message to X33N without my knowledge. He messaged me, ostensibly to “check in” which made me happier than I care to remember, because at the time I had been struggling as had everyone, and it was nice to think that someone had noticed and cared enough to check on me. But alas, it turned out to be a secret test as to whether I would tell him what I’d said, and when I didn’t do so he viewed that as a betrayal and dishonest. It took some time and communication for that one as it felt like all the honesty I had given him was being tossed aside, but we did talk it out, and as far as I could tell, went back to a slightly bruised but recovering friendship.

This should lead into the aforementioned situation involving people that were not him, but at least one of them would be genuinely endangered by that situation becoming public so I will summarize it as drama, which a mutual friend mentioned to X33N and then brought his reaction to me. His reaction had seemed upset with me, so I reached out to apologize and X33N reassured me that he hadn’t been upset and just wanted to point out to the mutual friend that he knew what was going on. Cut to the next day (or the day after? My sense of time last year was... well, about where everyone’s was) and X33N was asking other mutual friends whether I was leading a conspiracy to get him to add me back on snap (this conspiracy was news to me but whatever) and accusing me of fomenting drama because... honestly this is one of those times where I don’t care to speculate on his motives, he said a lot of things very fast while I was tilted about the snapchat conspiracy and I don’t think I correctly grasped why he was upset with me, but I distinctly remember him bringing up the previous ‘betrayal.’ This was also when I stopped joining in the community among us games, which seemed fine by everyone involved.

All this apparently came to a head about a month(?) ago, when he, karacorvus, and some others were trying a new game. Kara said to one of the other streamers, a man who had seemed perfectly happy with his character model, would he please change his character to a man, etc. There was some uncomfortable laughter, Kara doubled down on her comments, a friend messaged me to tell me they had been uncomfortable with it as well, and I took the problem to a friend of mine who X33N had modded and who I trusted to handle the situation. This mod told me that I had not been the only one uncomfortable, and, when I said that I had been surprised to hear such comments on X33N’s stream pass unchallenged, replied by pointing out that Kara had a big community. I replied with something along the lines of ‘well... there was a time when that wouldn’t have mattered more than his allyship but I guess a lot has fucking changed with his priorities’ and the discussion moved on, seemingly productively, and ended on a friendly “thanks for bringing this to me/no thank you for taking it seriously,” and I didn’t think much more of it, although I did resolve to ask X33N about the whole well she has a big community comment the next day if he seemed in a decent mood. Maybe if I’d talked to him that night things would’ve gone differently, maybe my fate was sealed as soon as I was given the no-win statement of ‘she has a big community’ and put in the position of arguing with a mod or agreeing that X33N would change his mind on his statements of his community being welcoming to all in pursuit of someone else’s community. I’ll never know, I guess, because as I was saying goodnight to my friend X33N messaged me to tell me he was banning me over my pattern of betraying him behind his back. He kicked me from his server and had me blocked before I had even shaken off my shock and confusion- remember, at the time I had no idea what would trigger this, his last words to me had been ‘we totally good yo’ and my conversation with his moderator had seemingly ended amicably. It’s only now, after some very dear friends didn’t buy in to what he said about me in his discord (that I had been sowing discontent among “community memberS” about him “not making a stink” over “comments bluejay felt were insensitive”) that I am able to know that it was that part of that conversation that he was upset by. According to those who spoke with him, it’s not clear that he even knew I said what I did in reaction to his moderator claiming he would let transphobia slide because karacorvus has a big community, and I’m not sure I’ll ever know because the moderator I spoke to also blocked me. Which means that I lost two friends that night, not even counting the multiple people who believed his side of things from his discord without hearing me out. I can’t say that I blame them, I would’ve struggled to believe it myself.

There’s a part of me that still hopes X33N will realize that what I said was the best I could do in response to the situation I was given and reach out, but I kind of doubt it. I messaged him from an alt account, admittedly rather angrily, to ask that he at the very least correct what he said about me in his discord, and he had my alt banned from the server we’d had in common and seemed very sure of his position. As I said, he doesn’t have to be my friend, but I wish that he hadn’t taken such steps to harm my friendships with others from his community, and the fact that he has no obligation doesn’t stop me from missing the parts of our friendship that were good- I know I haven’t really laid them out here, but I was genuinely thankful for whatever power led me to him, and we did have good times. Both the serious mental health kinds and the playful friendly competition in beatsaber kinds, and many in between. I miss him and I hope he one day sees that his friends can bring up issues from his streams with his mods without it being a personal attack on their friendships. But most of all, I hope that by writing all this down it will stop bouncing around in my head.

#X33N #transphobia mention #ends of friendships #this man mattered to me more than I can express and I am a different person because I knew him #probably forgetting a tag sorry :(

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aewriting · 4 years

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This is an angsty little fic I just wrote this evening. It's based on my recent viewing of RNM episode 2x01, a DM exchange with @angsty-aliens about that "I don't want to play your guitar" line, and some past "accidental sex worker Michael" head canons from @ninswhimsy and @lambourngb

Be warned - Michael is NOT in a good place in this, and it shows, especially in his interaction with Alex.

Warning for sex work.

Here it is on AO3, if you prefer.

***

“Michael?”

He’s drunk. He’s so drunk – on alcohol, acetone. He makes himself straighten up, really look at her.

Diana? Dana? No. “Deena, hi.” He tries to stay steady, smile. No, don’t smile… it’s a funeral, after all. “Been a while.”

“Sure has.” She eyes him, up and down. Not subtle. “You look good.”

He doesn’t. He knows that. He’s… he’s a fucking mess right now. But Deena was always more interested in touching than looking.

“I didn’t realize you knew Noah Bracken,” she says, slight frown on her face.

“Yep,” he says tightly. “Him and Isobel.”

He sees how it lands – the way Deena’s eyebrows raise, the way she quickly covers up a half-smirk. “I see,” she says, and Michael has to stop an eyeroll. Doesn’t correct her, though, doesn’t explain. It’s been a long time since he’s given a damn about his bad reputation, after all.

Deena’s eyes, still wide, flick to Isobel, in that skintight black dress of hers. “Well,” she says, clearing her throat, her gaze sliding over Michael again. “My husband’s on business in Canada right now.”

Oh Jesus.

“And you were always so… handy. Might have a few jobs for you.”

And now it’s Michael’s turn to look her over. Deena runs with the Ann Evans brunch crew. Red hair, good figure – clearly takes care of herself. If she’s had work, it’s subtle. Discreet. She really hasn’t changed that much since he last saw her, years ago…

First time had been an accident. It was that awful winter right after graduation, before he’d started out at Foster’s Ranch. Before the Airstream. And he honestly didn’t mean for it to happen, but he’d been…

He’d been desperate. He can see that now.

He’d tried to go about things honestly, at first. Tried. He was cold, hungry, and he wasn’t about to try to hit Isobel and Max up again, lost as they were in their own problems. So after one particularly bad storm, he scraped together all his money, went to the hardware store, and bought a shovel. Drove to one of the nice neighborhoods. Started going door to door.

Most people didn’t answer. It was the middle of the day, so they were probably at work, and no doubt some people just ignored him. Like, he probably looked shady. But he got a couple bites. At least the physical activity kept him warm, and he made a few bucks.

That’s how it had started, with Deena. She looked him over. Asked him his age. Seemed pleased when he’d said 19. “You look older,” she commented. He got to work on her driveway and sidewalk. Saw her peeking through the curtains. Looking at him. He assumed that she was checking in on his work, his progress.

He was been wrong.

He finished up and knocked on the door. Deena smiled at him. “You poor thing,” she cooed, looking him over. “Looks so cold out there. Want something warm to drink?”

And Michael was cold. Sore and tired. And here was this lady actually, actually fucking treating him nicely? “Sure,” he said, using the big smile.

She smiled back. “Tea, coffee, hot chocolate?”

Oh god, hot chocolate sounded fucking awesome. That’s exactly what he ended up telling her, too, before realizing he’d said “fuck,” but she just laughed. Busied herself in the kitchen with the milk, the mix. “Take off your coat, stay a while.”

Nice, was Michael’s first thought. What does she want, was his second.

She made small talk, at first. Then started rubbing his shoulders. And that, that’s when Michael realized what was going on. And… and it wasn’t like it was off-putting. No. Deena was fucking hot. Her house was warm. He bet she’d let him shower, even.

One thing led to another. And when it was over, after he’d showered (with her), she gave him a lingering kiss and pressed a very generous “tip” into his hand.

“There’s a little extra there. For you,” she said with a wink. “You did such a good job out there,” she added. “You better come back next time it snows.”

So he did.

And a few times for raking leaves, the next fall.

Then another winter.

She wasn’t… wasn’t the only one who’d ever paid him, but she was... the least accidental. After that first time, anyway. And it’s not like he ever asked her to. She, she always volunteered it. At the end. Part of his tip. He didn’t, didn’t expect it, necessarily. Wouldn’t have pressed it, if she hadn’t kept it up. But it also wasn't like he was gonna turn it down, either. Right? Like, who would?

And really, wasn’t everything a goddamn transaction, anyway? People weren’t just nice to a kid like Michael, and they weren’t nice to an adult like him, either. They had an agenda.

Everybody… everybody has a fucking agenda.

Michael lets his gaze linger on Deena again, standing in front of him in her flattering, stylish black dress. Probably cost more than the monthly payment on his Airstream. “You still over on Hollybrook?”

Deena makes a face. “No, no… I’ve upgraded. Over in Montebello Heights now.”

Michael nods. “How long’s your husband in Canada?”

She bites her lip a little. “Weeks.”

Fuck it. Why not? “Then I’m sure you could use a man around the house. Take care of some things.”

She grins.

***

“I don’t want to hear a damn word about, about Project Shepherd. Or Caulfield, or my…” He shakes his head. “None of it, okay, Manes? I told you that.”

Alex sighs. “You did. Yeah, you did. Sorry.” He glances around the makeshift lab, looks quickly away from Max’s naked form, suspended in the pod. “I’ll just, just update Liz and Kyle with it.” He goes to leave. Stops. “How… how long you been in here?”

Michael shrugs. “Long enough.”

“You should get something to eat. Crashdown?”

Michael fixes him with a level gaze. He does need to eat. “Sure, Manes.”

They drive separately, thank god. Michael wishes they could eat separately, too, but he’s not that big of an asshole. Today, anyway.

Liz is working, and she raises an eyebrow at Michael, which he returns with a shrug. They get settled in a booth. Liz isn’t the one that waits on them. Michael gets his usual, a burger. Watches as Alex gets the enchiladas, eats them with gusto. Times like this, Michael can almost forget. Forget that he wants the distance, the end to this damnable push-pull they’ve been doing for years.

“Arturo’s are the best,” Alex is saying.

“If you say so,” Michael says shortly, and he sees Alex’s face fall, just a little. Part of him’s glad to still have that power. Part of him hates it.

Their server brings the bill, and Michael grabs for it. Alex frowns.

“Guerin,” he says, a warning in his tone.

“What?” Michael grits out. “Don’t need your charity, Manes.”

Alex closes his eyes, briefly. “I… I know that. This wasn’t…” He shakes his head a little. “Wasn’t charity.”

“Then you won’t mind me paying.”

But Alex, he just can’t leave it alone. “Isobel, she says that you haven’t been taking as much work, at Sanders’.”

“Since when is Isobel telling you about my – “

“And, and I see the way you are,” Alex barrels on. “You, you don’t seem good, Michael.”

And the audacity, the sheer nerve of Alex right now, Michael thinks. Cause when, when in their whole damn history has he ever seemed good? And why can’t Alex just see, just fucking listen and leave Michael the fuck alone? If he hasn’t realized after all these years just how fucked the two of them are, together, what’s it gonna take?

And then he has an idea.

He squares his shoulders, makes a show of pulling out his wallet, thumbing through the bills. “Don’t need to worry about me, Alex. I’ve picked up some work.” He gives a tight little smile. “Night shifts.”

Alex looks at him, surprised. “Oh,” he says, attention drawn to the money Michael is casually flashing.

“Yeah,” Michael says, drawing out the word. He can tell Alex is torn between asking more and just letting it be. So Michael pushes. Again. “An old employer. She’s generous.”

And that does it. “What, what are you doing, exactly?” Alex says, brow starting to furrow.

Michael just shrugs, gives him a smirk. “Something I’m good at. According to you, at least. And others.”

And at that, Alex’s face goes slack. “Oh my god.”

Michael shrugs. “Gonna do it anyway, might as well get paid.”

Alex’s eyes are darting around the Crashdown. He leans forward. There’s anger now, not just the shock. “Holy shit, Michael.” He looks like he wants to say something else, but just curses instead. “God damn it.”

Michael scoffs a little. “Well look at you, high and mighty. All offended. Not like you’ve never done it.”

Alex’s eyes widen. “What?” His mouth is open. “I’ve never, never –“

Michael laughs, a harsh, biting sound. “You’ve done it with me, Alex.”

“That’s bullshit – “

“Gave me a place to stay and a guitar. Then tried to kiss me.”

Alex’s mouth is pinched, tight. “No. No. Do not do this. That is not what that was – “

“Wasn’t it?” Michael asks, scrunching up his face in faux confusion. “Cause I don’t think you would’ve been so inviting if you hadn’t wanted my dick.”

“Stop it,” Alex hisses.

“Not like I didn’t want yours, too.” Michael shrugs. “Everything has a price, right?”

Alex looks sick. “Guerin, please. You don’t have to – “

“Course I don’t. Not now. Didn’t always have that luxury, though,” he says, voice hard. He takes out a few bills, slaps them on the table showily. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Captain.”

He’s out the door fast, and he knows he shouldn’t turn back, shouldn’t try to catch a glimpse of Alex through the window, but he can’t help it. He’s still sitting, stunned-looking, in the booth.

Michael swallows hard. Turns and walks away. Maybe this time, it’ll stick.

#my fic #roswell nm #angst #Michael guerin #malex

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inmyheadrp · 5 years

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hey cuties! we're baaack with an in my head contest AND sneak preview!!! we're aiming for a short buzz here because, let's be real, we're actually here to write - so stay tuned and tracking to get the most up-to-date info!!!

tomorrow at 8pm est we are opening up our general reserves! members are able to reserve two additional faces that can be duplicated! check out our faq here for more information about our claims process (or drop us an ask, we don't bite!!)! remember, a face can only be used four times, one per city. before you send in your reserves, make sure to check the current list!

onto the contest!!! we're conducting a social media contest to celebrate our own social media platform - atlas! there’s more information about atlas down below, but our social media contest is so easy! all you have to do is post any social media aesthetic for your character, tag #imhrp, and then submit for your f r e e reserve!!! that’s right - after general reserves, you can have up to FOUR faces for our opening!!! don’t forget to reserve your faces like this:

first last (city) for name

atlas is designed to encourage international plotting - something that will also be reflected in our discord server! in my head is multi-city and international for a reason, and atlas is a social media hybrid (think instagram and facebook’s cutie pie baby) where you can make connections, comment on other character profiles and slide into those dms!

xxoo, ur imh team

#imhrp #previews #contest

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dragon5kulls-blog · 5 years

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Losing Her

Losing the one person I've ever told "I love you"....her. (lets call her Guava, cause that was a nickname given to her cause she likes guava juice/soda) I've always been very closed, reserved, and if you would know me IRL, you would of never noticed me sad, depressed. You would just seen me as somewhere in between quiet and calm, but that is because I have always been great at hiding emotions. We broke up about 12 hours ago. She was my first. 16 years single until about a month ago for the very reason that I knew that I would get so attached and it would hurt the day they left. Scared of losing someone I love. It was an LDR which most people say really ever works out, and even knowing this, I still gave her a chance. We first met on discord, march/29/2019 a friday, and I would normally just pop in different channels and my typical lines were "oh yeah yeah" "oh no no" and "oh boi". She told me that she was in one of the channels were I joined and she repeated back what i was saying, and it went for a bit, until i went to another channel. Now its march 30, and I went around playing piano to others. There was this one guy who could sing and I started to voice record, me playing bich lasagna and him singing it. Then I went to another channel, were there she was again. It was a channel with 4 other people in it. I joined into her telling a FanFic about...Hitler and Jesus . Yep... and i'm not religious myself but I was (still am for about 2 more weeks) in a catholic class on Sundays, so yeah....oh boi. It was weird, but I was bored, so I stayed in the voice channel. We decided to just make a group chat just for us 5 people so she could finish the FanFic. She read it, we had our reactions and we just kept talking on that call. After some time, one by one they left the call until it was just me and her, we talked for a couple of min until I said that i'm just going to head back to the there server because it was a bit awkward now since I never had female friends, except for one who i met online( lets call her Mia), and neither have I been interested in being in a relationship so it just felt a bit weird. When I told her i was just about just head out and go back to the server, she told something along the lines of "oh, you just gona leave the call, i see how it is" and that very day, I had the choice to stay or to go. As I said, I would of always just left and not think about it, but I something something different this time. I chose to stay. We talked about my Dog named Max, cutest dog ever, yeah he isn't really well with other dogs, but he was my little max. At some point in life I did feel suicidal for other reasons that involved my parents, me, and my brothers. But thanks to max, whenever I used to start thinking about just ending the pain that went on for months, I would always look at max and start cuddling with him. Thanks to him and Mia, a friend that i trusted enough to talk about the situation i was in at the moment, i would always stop myself and feel a bit better. We talked about a few other things too, by this time its been around an hour or so that we have been talking and i receive a dm from one of the people that was in that group (lets call her Caitlin). Caitlin saw that we were still in the call and just typed "i ship it" and i was like uh, oh no no. and she told me, why not. I said that i wasn't here for that, and she told me, there is no harm in sliding in Guava dm's and getting to know her. So Caitlin now joins the call as well and asked her how old Guava was, and she said 16, she asked me and i said 16, then Caitlin sent me a dm saying to go for it, i just kinda ignored it. So I talked for a few more min to both of them, until i told them I was goin to the store real quick, so I just muted and left. When i came back I un-muted and said my usual phrase "oh yeah yeah, im back boi" and they was like oh, hi again. The three of us were talking about music and a few other things. Because this Sunday church class was close to where my mom and brothers lived, every Saturday my dad would drive me to my moms house in the afternoon and pick me up the next day. So I told them that I had to go, said bye and just left the call. About 3 min later as i'm getting my stuff ready to go, I receive a dm this time from Guava saying "where did you go ?:(" and i told her that my brothers came over and that i had to go to their place. Then she told me if i will send pictures of max, i told her, if I remember then yeah. Then her next text was " he’s sO cute(like me), you better remember" so I kinda avoided responding to her dm by talking about something else, a few the rest of the text were from her saying " it’s like almost 3pm over there right?" I said "Yep" then she said "it’s so sad, well can you do me a favor before you go >:0" i asked "Wut" she said "call real quick and say oh yea yea :’o" So obviously i already can tell she kinda into me. So I finish packing up my stuff and go back to my laptop to shut it down, but as im closing apps, i see that I left the voice recorder on, and im sitting there like, oops. and so I was hearing the audio so i can know when to edit out the rest that wasn't the guy that singed bich lasagna. I got a bit curious and remembered that they were talking when I left to the store earlier, and so I skipped to that part where I muted my self and left. Caitlin asked her what were we talking about and she said about max and a few other things and that I seemed cute. Caitlin told her to slide in my dm''s then, and Guava sounded unsure, so Caitlin told her that she should just said "fuk it" "just go for it". At this point I was surprised, I ended up saving that part of the recording but had to go now cause my dad was waiting for me in the car. So i'm at my mom's house and its around like 6pm for me, and she is in a different time zone, 6 hours ahead. So i decided to call her, forgetting that its 12pm for her, but she picked up. I showed her max for a while and then went back to just voice chat. We talked for a bit more and then they left the call again. i talked to guava for while again until like a half an hour later when I realized that she has fallen asleep on the call. so i'm like, 0of, her phones battery is gona be dead when she wake up. So I ended up get a call from the group chat shortly after. The rest of the group chat we talking and I told Caitlin that Guava fell asleep on the call, Caitlin just said, cute, I responded with "oh no no". So we stayed on the group call for about 2 more hours, Once in a while I checked on Guava to check if she still had the call open, and she did, I joined once in a while and said "Oh yeah yeah" I even texted her that im tying to wake her up cause her phone was gona die. At around 9, I started watching youtube and getting ready to sleep at around 11. Its Sunday morning and I wake up to a text from her saying " i-, my phone is always on battery save, so it can literally survive on 1% for an hour, I woke up alone still in the call at 8am with 3%, thanks tho, for trynna wake me up" I told her that I joined once in a while and said Oh yeah yeah, she said that was cute and she wish she would of woken up, but the way I say Oh yeah yeah is soothing, so of course she wouldn't wake up, I and so I say, wut... that's a first. To switch up the convo, I told her that Max has just woken up and she wanted to see him. The room was dark and i didn't want to turn on the light cause I didn't want to wake u my brother, so instead I sent her pictures of Max, and then we sent each other a bit of memes. That was that for the day, Monday comes, and i remember that she is 6 hours ahead, so at 12:42pm my time I sent her a text saying to wake up cause its time for school, and she said she still had time for a few more min of sleep and then asked me if I shouldn't be asleep. I told her thats its 12:42pm and she told me to not stay up to late. I told her why not, she stays up late too, and then she asked me if she can send the pic of me to Caitlin. Yesterday she asked for a pic of me, and was saying nah, im good. She kinda ended up pressuring me to send it, so I was like fine. I sent her a pic that I took about 3 months ago of me and max laying down. So she's asking if she could send it to Caitlin cause she wanted to know how I looked like too. It was time for her to go school by now so she just tells me goodnight. I went to sleep and then I left to school. Came back and then we were just texting for a while, then we just called for a while till she left to eat. About and hour and a half passed by now and decided to give her a call, she didn't pick up so I just went back to the other Server and talked to other random people. She texts me back like 30 min later saying sorry that she was busy playing minecraft, and so i tell her, nice, me and another friend from school were planning to play minecraft, but he never picked up. Then I tell her to go to sleep cause for her it was 2am, she just replied with "no u". We texted for a few more min, and then I remember that the day before, she wanted me to learn a song on the piano, so I told her before she goes to sleep, if I can call real quick if she wants to hear the bit that I learned, she said yeah. I called her and showed her the bit that I was practicing and then we just talked for a few more min. Then again, she fell asleep on the call, and of course I stayed on the call this time and said oh yeah yeah once in a while. After a few hours she just left the call with out saying anything, so im like...ok. Discord bot kicked me from the call after 5 min. I stay up till like 2am again and she text me saying, damn, that she didn't know she fell asleep on the call again. I told her that I did the same thing, saying oh yeah yeah once in a while. I went to sleep, and woke up to her text that said she felt tired cause she stays up late too, and I tell her "oh boi". I had to go to school but I wanted to keep talking to her, so I skipped my first period class and kept texting her. She told me she doesn't want to go to work, and she told the time she has work and then we were talking about other stuff too. I went to school late, we made cookies in class that day, and so when I came back, I told her what we did and so on. She ended up reading stories she found online and then would you rather. We ended up talking about, lets just say, "stuff" as well, and then I decided to show her the voice recording, and we talked. I told her that I have never been in a relationship and idk. After that, everyday we talked every time we could, and on April 3rd, I showed her the screenshots of Caitlin that she was telling me to go for it and stuff, she also showed me screenshots that Caitlin told her too. We talked every single day playing minecraft, watching movies by screen sharing my screen, anything that just had us on a call. On April 14 we even stayed on the call for 14 hours, and we had an idea, to see if we could even do a 24 hour call. This was also the day in which i opened up to her about the stuff I've been through in the past, which was hard, but I trusted her. She is a big fan of Marvel, mainly Spider-man, in particular Tom Holland. and we planned to see Endgame the same day it came out. Whenever we couldn't get on a call for reasons, I would still text her, and she told me, "why is time going so slow when I’m not talking with you" and I would say the same, but at the same time it when ever we were on a call, it also felt like forever, but it a good way, in which I enjoyed every single second of it. One of the other things we did was having my webcam facing the table and we both just draw. Fast forward to 26 of April, Another thing we did was that during her lunch periods at school, she would always call me, so we are talking, and then she says she has to go they got an announcement that told everyone to meet up. She texts me a bit later and tells me that there was something that happened at her school, they were all crying cause they had a teacher that just passed away in the building. This was also the same day we both we gona see Endgame. We keep talking like normal again. On the 28 of April is when I finally said yes to her. I started to get to school late and leave early often because I wanted to talk to her. I always use to soft talk her to sleep to now, it was our thing where we just keep the call on while we sleep too. A few of the times where she was sleeping, she mumbled "I love you". This was one of the many things I found adorable about her, like the way she giggled when I used to make her laugh, when on Saturdays it was me who woke up to her voice on the call, whenever I was feeling sick she used to just say in a soft voice "don't worry about it", we used to tell each other to imagine what a warm hug from us would feel, and we had our little nicknames for each other too, and another thing that we used to said was "I love you 3000". So now its May 5, and this day we were sent to a catholic retreat that was required to pass this church class. Like a week before this day, my mom called to let me know I had to go there, the first thing I did was that I told her that I had to go to this place for 3 days, cause that is what I was told. I told her that If I wasn't able to call, ill at least text her whenever I can. So the day comes and i'm letting her know that i'm in the car with the teacher and the other 2 people that was going too. So I made sure to let her know when I get on the car, and when we got there. So we get of the car and I have my backpack with cloths and stuff, thinking that we just gona walk in and see what this is all about, but before we left the car, the teacher told us that we had to leave our phones in the car for now. So i'm like, ok, maybe they just want to make sure we pay attention to where we were, what we gona do, ect. So before I left my phone, I texted her that our teacher told us to leave the phones in the car. We left them and went in. We went to a place that was like a hotel, they had our names already, took our bags, and told us to go to a bigger room. Here is where there was like 50 other people too. So i'm like wow. We just standing there wondering what is we going to do now. They explain the schedule and said we were goin to have a room with a roomate, so im like, dope. So after like an hour of talking and getting to know one another a bit, they tell us we can now go to our rooms and rest. So im like, yess, im feeling tired and I already miss my baby nugget, that was one of our little nicknames. So as people were heading to their rooms, I start to look for our teacher to ask him for my phone now, he ends up saying that we aren't getting them back till this is over, because he wants us to fully live this experience we were going to get. So at this point, in the inside I start to feel sad and mad because I promised Guava that I would have communication with her. I felt like I was going to let her down. I head to my room and see my roomate, I say whats up to him and then we just start to talk for a bit, he 19 and was very chill and nice to talk too. By this time its late and I was bored, and then I remembered that I had a notebook in my bag, so I take that out and a pencil, then I start writing exactly the way I would text her, It started with like 2 sentences and I thought by the time we leave this place, I would have like possibly 2 whole pages written down, but nope, I ended up writing 15 pages, top to bottom, and I even drew a rose for her one of those days. They had the windows covered with stuff and there wasn't any clocks, so we didn't really have a concept of time, those 3-4 days actually felt like 1-2 weeks, but I kept writing about what we did, the people I met, the food, but mainly how much I missed her. As I said before, i'm not religious my self but the stuff that was said there, really did make us change the way we saw stuff. We promised to not say what was spoken over there, cause what was said there, stays there. But Ill briefly talk about what changed with me. Growing up I never treated my brother, like an actual brother, and thinking back at it, he has always been there for me, but I can't say the same for him. There was times where he has taken the blame and punishments that I was responsible for, treated him a bit like shit, always distanced my self from my family members, I never gave him that trust with him. He is about a year and a half younger than me, and I regretted so much how I never acted like his older brother, someone he can can talk to if stuff was bothering him, someone he could trust. So what I ended up picking up there myself was to be grateful for having him there for me, even though I haven't before to him. I ended up promising to myself that I would trust him and I want to be there for him as well. Since I always been reserved, nobody in my family knew I was dating Guava. So I promised myself that once I go back, I will tell my brother everything, how the situation with our parent affected me, how I knew that he used go to sleep crying cause he hated seeing my parents like that and I never said or did anything. I also wanted to tell him about me and Guava. So the day finally comes, May 5th, the day we get to go back, when I saw the teacher I rushed to him as he was getting out his car and I didn't say hi or anything, I wanted my phone so badly so I can text to my baby nugget, cause it felt like almost 2 weeks with out her. So i'm turning on my phone expecting texts from her saying she missed me too. I open discord and I see " i already miss your voice in the morning", "i missed your voice at work", "and rn laying in my bed", " i cant sleep:( ", " i miss my baby nugget", " i need your voice to help me sleep" on May 3rd. Then on May 4th "weekend..", "and again, I miss you", " this is weird", "I really miss you and it hurts", "it randomly just happens and I go “aw I miss my baby nugget” and almost cry ". And this is when it really hurt, in the afternoon that day, she started saying " honestly fuk you for making me fall for you ", " I bet you haven’t even thought about me these 2-3 days ", " and im over here missing you like crazy ", " its stupid ", " i guess you’re gonna be back tomorrow right? ", " I told you it was probably gonna end it:( ", " ew I just realised I’ve been spamming you with “updates” ", " goodbye baby nugget ", " i mean eduardo " (thats my real name btw), " welp i can’t sleep ", " i mean you said 3 days, today is basically the 3rd, i guess you’ll be home tomorrow then ", " i wonder if something happened ", " i hope you’re having fun ". May 5th, earlier in the day when I still didn't have my phone, " i have 4 theories ", " 1. you aren’t back yet, so you’re still at the camp ", " 2. I was right and it ends here ", " 3. you lost your phone and your dad didn’t give your laptop back ", " 4. something (bad) happened to you ", " number 4 is bad and im hoping that’s not it, please rather number 2 than 4 ", " i have my first exam tomorrow, I’d hoped you’d be back in time to wish me good luck ". I got my phone back later in the day and responded with "I LOVE YOU" and then told her that they took my phone for those days, and that of course I was thinking of her all the time. I told her that I missed her so much and also wished her luck on her test. My battery was at 2% by this time since its just been in a car or wherever he kept them for those days. She ends up responding with " fuck you " and I responded with " No, baby why ??? 1% btw ", " I LOVE YOU ". She texted back " I hate you ". Since I've never been in a relationship before or been close to anyone like that, I haven't ever felt this kind of pain before. But I was in a larger van with more people heading back home, all I wanted was to cry and hug her as I tell her that i'm sorry for not being able to to talk to her those days, it felt like I loss her. I wanted to cry so badly but there was others around so I held it in, and for those who hold in pain like that, you know how that tight feeling around your throat and that intense pressure around your head. I tried to go to sleep until we got back home, but I couldn't when we finally got back to our church, we went to the basement and there was most of our family members waiting for us. We sat at some tables in the front while they were were all in chairs facing us. Our Aux's (that is what the people that took us through everything, like teachers, but they also went through stuff like we did) they were standing on the side giving mini speeches on how going over there helped us each with different things. We also talked about how our experience was and the new friends that we got close to. But I was kinda shaking while I was talking, not because I was nervous, but because I remembered what Guava told me. Its now like 9pm and I charged my phone while I took a shower. I went back to my phone and texted her again that I love her and that i'm sorry for not having my phone those days. I went to the kitchen and started to take pictures of each page of that notebook and sent them to her. I told her that it wasn't even my fault that they took our phones and how I was feeling when I saw those texts. Next morning, May 6 Monday, she responds saying that she didn't mean it, and she read most of the pages, and she had to go take the exam. She also has religious parents and in their religion, she was starting Fasting that day too, which she told me that they were going to eat at 9:30pm and 3:15am their time. She also says " we need to talk.. ", " I thought a lot while you were away ". I come back from school and text her that i'm home, she doesn't respond, a couple min later I decide to call her, she doesn't pick up. I text her that ill be watching youtube till she calls back. Around an hour goes by and I decide to call again, no answer. Like 5 min later I text her by her real name, and then she responds with "what". Instantly I knew what was going on, but I acted like I didn't know, so I just told her that ill be on my laptop in a bit. She tells me again that she still wants to talk about something, I called her and she picked up this time. She ended up telling me that those days gave her time to think, and she said we were moving to fast, and she wanted to take it slow and take it back to before we were a thing. I didn't know what to say. I try to not sound upset, I just said, it was her decision if if she wanted to take things to before we were a thing, then fine. I left the call and went to take a shower. She texted me again at around 1am the next day telling me that she has her math exam and she is stressed. I tell her good luck on her test, and she replies with " thanks baby nugget " and then tells me to go to sleep. At this point i'm confused now, cause she made me feel "that way" the day before, saying she wanted to take it back before we were a thing. After she told me to go to sleep, I just say, Fine. About 10 min pass and she texts me back saying she forgot something at home, and I just say Oof. She says its a good thing that she lives 5 min away from her school, and I just start answering the same way I would text other "friends". She tells me that she ran and got it, I just say, great. Now she starts to ask "baby nugget, are you okay?" And i'm just so confused/stressed, but I tell her yeah, i'm good. Later on in the day, she asks me if I want to call. I was about to say no, but I ended up saying yeah. We talked again for a few hours and ended up agreeing on taking it slow, so I went back to being more reserved from her, act like there wasn't anything but an online friendship. Wednesday May 8th, instead of texting her, I decide to go to the server and talk to some random people again. Half an hour later I see that she is also joining channels, so I try to avoid her so its not awkward. Sometime later, she texted me that she sees me going around the server and that I haven't text her. I just tell her that someone was playing guitar and I was bored. We text just a little bit, and she ends up saying " we barely talk, it’s sad ", so i'm still confused and simply just asked her if she wants to call or not, she says maybe, so I say " im not gona rush anything u dont want, i talked to someone for help, and they told me to not rush u, but just wait". The person that I asked for help was that online friend named Mia. Guava ends up saying " just call me already " and so I did. She told me that even though she wants to take it slow, she doesn't want me going back to being reserved. We talked for a while until she fell asleep again. She woke up a few hours later, as I was about to go to sleep. I asked her if she knew that the new season for Lucifer finally came out, she said yeah, she knows, we both like watching that show. After like 10 min of talking, I told her that she should just go back to sleep because its 3am for her and she tells me, " baby nugget nO ". To be honest, at this point I kinda started to just feel frustrated because I felt like she was just playing around, saying she wants to take it slow, but then calling me, baby nugget constantly. After she told be that in a hour it will be 4am for her, and if she stays up for an hour, she would of still gotten enough sleep, again, I told her to just go back to sleep, and she says " can’t I just stay up and talk with you:(". I was like, I don't even know, does she want to get back or not. We talked for like 20 min, then I told her I was getting sleepy, so I was gona go sleep now. Next day, May 9, its a thursday, she texts me like at her time 7am to wake up, but im still sleeping so she just says " goodnight/good morning ", " bby nugget", " ttyl". We talked a bit more again when she came back from school, she told me that fuck taking it slow, that she loves me and was just sad that she felt that I left her for those days. And after some talking , I told her that I love her too, I made made myself distant because I wanted to respect her decision and if she wanted to leave, it wouldn't hurt as much because I would of already accepted the fact that we are no longer together. We watched Lucifer for a while, and then I had to go to a parent teacher conference with my dad. I left the call on my phone, I was happier, because we were together again, after I came back, I heard that she was sleeping, so I just texted her, good morning to whenever she sees this text. She woke up like half an hour later saying she fell asleep, I told yeah, "i know, keep sleeping bby nugget" and she said, " im tired, but I want you ". So we started to talking again just like before. Every time we called, if I felt sick or something, just hearing her voice made my day. May 11, she ended up confessing why she got distant the days after I came back, it was because she was mad at herself because of something she did while i was gone, she started to take to other people and one of those people she talked to, she got a bit close too. I told her that i'm not even mad, disappointed....a bit, but I was glad that she told me the truth, I wanted her to be honest with me. She started to cry a bit on the call, but I told her that I understand why she would of felt like that when I left her for those days cause I didn't have my phone. Like I said, when she stopped replying to my texts, I felt like I loss her too and it was only like 2 days that she wasn't responding like she used to, and for her, I left for 4 days with no texts at all during those days. While she was crying, she asked me why was I being so understanding, I said...Cause I love you 3000. I ended up telling up telling Guava who was the one helping me to try and get guava back when she was being distant. I didn't want to tell her earlier because she felt a bit jealous, but I made it clear to her that she is only a friend that helped me when I was younger. We promised to not keep secrets from one another, and at that point I think I felt the closest to her. On May 12, that is when we completed the 24 hour call we said we were gona do. These days she wasn't feeling well because of the fasting thing that she is doing, so going so long without eating made her feel sick. I kept telling to eat something because I didn't like when she felt sick, but she said she can't cause of fasting. I tried to make her feel better by telling her " I'm so lucky because... I have you, someone who acually cares about me and makes me happy. I'm smiling while I'm typing this. Even if it's only been about 2 months, Thank You for being there for me". I waited for her to wake up the next day and talk, she taught me how to say, "I love you" in danish, " jeg elsker dig". Meeting her made me feel the happiest I ever been in years. Whenever she woke up at 3:15am her time to eat, I used to help her wake up by quietly saying her name or just talking about the way she always made me feel, after she ate and came back, I always asked her what is it that she had to eat and then soft talk her to sleep again. I used to love it whenever she used to sometimes soft talk me to sleep, the ways she used to tell she wanted to cuddle with me and max. The type of food she wanted to teach me how to cook. On Wednesday 15, when we were on a call during her lunch period, she told me that they got a printer in their class now, so I gave her the idea that she should print out memes, and put them around the classroom, and she did, it was a spider-man meme, she ended up printing 5 of these and started to putt them up around her class. One of the things that she helped me with a bit was in school, cause I started to do some work while I was on a call with her in the mornings. She gave me a reason to wake up early everyday and since I was always in a good mood while being on a call with her, I decided to multi task a bit. So I thanked for that. Thursday comes and I just picked up some bluetooth earbuds that I ordered mainly because of I wanted to to talk to her when I wasn't at home with a good mic, my phone's aux input is a bit messed up and makes a static noise whenever wired earbuds moved, so I bought those bluetooth ones. That day I called her twice and she didn't pick up, but she was on the server talking to others so was like fine, she talking to some friends or something. She ended up calling me at 3am her time, so I asked her what happened because she didn't call or barley texted me that day. She said that she just didn't feel like it. I felt a bit sad but told my self, its fine, she was just busy and forgot. The next day we got on a call again, she didn't have school this friday, so we stayed on the call till I went to school, but she mainly just watched youtube instead of talking. I went to school and when I came back at 12am, told her I was back, gave her a little text once in a while cause she didn't respond till about 2 hours later, saying she was busy. Again...kinda felt sad cause I started to feel her being distant again, and I really didn't want to lose her. I started to feel sick, like really light headed and stomach ache, I told her how I felt sick, she asked if I was okay, I said not really. She called me for like 2 min and told me to drink some water, and call my dad if I kept feeling sick. Then she left the call again. She called back at around 5pm my time. Again i'm feeling her being distant because her time it was already 11pm, and we really didn't talk that day, just enough for her to tell me to soft talk her to sleep. I did soft talk her to sleep, but when I knew she was asleep for sure, I talked about how I was really feeling, that I was scared of losing her, the one person I have ever told them "I Love You. I texted her at my time She wakes up at like 8:20pm my time, she talks for a few min until she goes eat. She didn't call back or even let me know what she ate, like we always used too. So at like 3:40am my time, I sent her a text. She calls me back at around 4am my time, and says she had to go like around 6am my time, and again all she really just do was just watch youtube. Now im really worried if I did something that she doesn't want to text or talk to me for these last few days. She ends up coming back and we get on a call at 11am my time. Again she didn't want to watch Lucifer or talk like before, she just used to watch youtube videos and tell me to mute my self once in a while, cause she wanted to watch her ASMR videos. At around 2pm, I decided to take a nap because I didn't feel well again. She didn't even want to soft talk me to sleep. So I just slept. Woke up an hour later and my dad was going to take me to the clinic because I wasn't feeling well. I told her before that we were going to travel to mexico to see family members in particular my grandpa, since he may not be around next year due to age. So at 5pm, I let her know as soon I knew, the dates we were going to travel, but this time I was going to have my phone for sure. She said ok, and then went to sleep at like at 5:30pm my time. Since it was a Saturday, we were heading to my moms place. Later that day we talked again like around 7pm for a while, since max and my little cousin we playing together I had the camera on. This is when she actually talked to me in a while, instead of just watching youtube. She ended up sleeping on the call and woke up at 10:30pm, she fell asleep again and she woke up at 2am my time, over there it was already 8am. This time I fell asleep to her voice, I wake up at 6am and see her text that says " my baby it’s so cute I can hear you breathing in your sleep ", " I just wanna hug you and cuddle you " I replied with "Aw", " I love you 3000", " That wut u said earlier was so adorable, I was awake when u was laughing, and was smiling. You just warm me up with the smallest things you do, I love you 3000!" by text cause my mom was sleeping still. It kinda made me forget how she was being distant that last few days. We texted for a bit when I got out of church class at 1:30pm . I called her when it was like 3pm, I saw that she was talking to others again, so I just let her know that i'm with Max. She responded at 3:50pm saying she had dessert, I asked if she wanted to call, she said in a bit, she didn't call, she responded with a text at 8:30pm. Again i'm noticing that she just doesn't want to talk, and I guess I already knew that she has/is losing interest. At 9pm my time she tells me if I wana call? And I already had a feeling that I knew it was time she was going to say what I've feared from the start. For the past week that I felt her changing, I always asked her, what wrong? Did I do something? If there is something she wanted to talk about, just say it, she would just keep saying that nothing is wrong, and I alked her, why is she talking to me less, she said, its normal don't worry about it. By this time, for the past two days, I asked for help about this to 3 other people, one of them was Mia. She told me that obviously it was't normal, maybe she was having other issues which she couldn't rely on my help for, she told me to just give her some time. Guava kept saying nothing is wrong, but before she went to sleep, one of the last things she said was, there is something she wants to talk about. I knew it was time...but she said that she was going to tell me the next day instead. I woke up at 12 like usual to tell her good morning, instead of her texting at least for a bit, she just said go back to sleep. At this point i'm just sad because I know there a 90% I already loss her. But still had that little bit of hope that it wasn't what I was thinking. Hoping it was something else...I could even sleep that day and stayed up waiting till 5am, for our usual call during her lunch break...she didn't text or call at all. There was no text no nothing till when she called me at 4:28pm. She told me exactly what I was scared of, she said that she wanted someone who she can actually cuddle with rn, someone who wasn't in a different time zone, someone who isn't on the other side of the earth. All this time that we have been talking and said that distance/time zones matters close to nothing when that someone means everything. I just had one question, "Did you ever mean it when you said "I love you"....She said "probably" I left the call. She later asked me an hour later if I was okay only cause Mia was talking to her because she was trying to help and she asked Guava if I was okay. I texted her 2 hours later " dont worry about it". Deep down I wanted to tell her nO! im not okay, my eyes feel like they burn every time I blinked cause of all the tears, that I felt like my chest was being crushed and I couldn't breath, it feels like I have been dumped in boiling water of how hot I started feeling, how my whole body feels numb, that I was sorry for anything I did that lead her to this choice, and most importantly that I love her, I don't want to leave me. She taught me how it feels to be loved and also how love can hurt as well. Its currently Tuesday 21st, 10:24pm and I haven't talked to her since yesterday at 8:32, my last message being, "Don't worry about it". She has told me before that if this just didn't work out for some reason, that we could still be friends. I said sure, but now looking back at this all, I gave all of my trust to her, and she started to talk to someone else, I forgave her for what she did when I was gone for a few days, saying I didn't want to just argue and just leave, that I wanted to fix whatever issue that would come. I....I trusted her again and she gave me false hopes. Fuked up how she wanted to be back together after I forgave her for what she did, just so she can tell me that she wasn't even sure she meant it when she used to tell me "I love you", and this wasn't even a month later, this was just 9 days after she said she didn't want to take it slow anymore, that she "loved me". Currently its now 10:41pm. I started to type this hoping it would help, seeing it from a third person view. Now I can see that our relationship wasn't really working out, I was putting her over everything else, school, my heath, my time, and even potentially moving back with my mom because of the fact that I chose to live with my dad, but since I've been skipping school, and failing classes because I wouldn't even show up since I was at home, talking to Guava. I changed my whole sleeping schedule so I could give her the most time I could. If I was accused of lying about something during our relationship, I would say, yeah I lied to Guava about something, the fact that I used to tell her not to worry about my sleeping schedule, I use to tell her that I was sleeping great to not worry, but nope, I would get about only 4 hours of sleep for the past month and a half, and that some of the days I was home from school earlier was because of tests, and we got to leave early. I changed so much, not "because of her", but "for her," but looking back at it, there wasn't much she did to try and make it work for my time zone. If you do ever read this, i'm NOT trying to say that I changed my life for the worse because of you, I just want to show you how much I cared about you, what you made me feel for you those first days we met was something real and after time, I really wanted you to be "the one"

I remember that when I first started typing this yesterday, I was feeling depressed, sad, confused. But surprisingly It has made me feel better. If she does ever want to be to be together again but this time, seriously , I wouldn't say no right away, because I would be lying if I said that I don't start felling sad at random times and that I don't miss her even though its only been a bit over 27 hours, but I would tell her to first to earn my trust again and just be friends while we are online for now, Once we are sure that we meet IRL then I will gladly move to the next step.

I love you 3000 baby nugget

#off my chest

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