#& i think that's why she was so unwilling to accept i had any real significant & severe issues. she minimized everything so much

[kanmom51]

Letter - the lyrics that didn't make it

The draft lyrics that didn't make the final cut.

Who hugged me tightly

Only you who Protected me

Who only protected me

Who held my hand

Who held my hand tightly

You who reached out me

who held out your hand to me

Who held out his hand

To you who looked at me greatly

Funny thing.

I had this one open on my laptop, I was sure I posted this, but hadn't (?), and good thing I hadn't yet.

Because since I put this together I came by @minggukieology 's post. I think that she explains just how important the wording here is and just how intimate JM's words in this draft were.

This part especially hits hard:

As we've all seen today once more (with the Face playlist) JM is very very calculated in the sense that he puts thought into everything he expresses artistically. Like Philip Johnson's piece was not there by mistake or randomly placed, so was his use of that word in that context.

The one and only...

Kind of hard for me to get that one out of my head.

But he didn't use those words in the final lyrics because of just how obvious it would be.

K-JKKs are not conflicted here. They don't see this as a letter to army at all.

Knowing language and cultural context is super important. It's also important to understand said context and not utilize it half way to suit a certain theory or narrative you want to put in place.

The name of the song is Letter, not Letters.

Addressed to either Army or JK, can't have it both ways. Either or.

And if we are listening to Karmy, why listen half way? Listen to them all the way.

They know who this letter is addressed to.

They said it perfectly:

It's a letter for JK (a hidden song for a hidden couple), hence JK joining JM in the song too, but it's disguised as a song for Army.

Plausible deniability.

Or has it been such a long time since we've had JM and JK in one frame that we forgot about that one. You know, even when stretching the boundaries doing it in a way that can always allow falling back on a more or less plausible explanation or excuse.

JM is the mastermind in knowing just how far to stretch the boundaries. And with Face and Letter he's stretched them real real far, like rubber band can snap in a second far. Funny how still such a big part of the fandom are unwilling to see his message, his queer coding. At this point I think that even if that rubber band tears/breaks I-army will be standing there holding on to both ends to make sure it doesn't fall apart.

JM and JK are lovers.

JM and JK are intimate.

JM and JK are and have been in a long term love/romantic relationship for years now. In my books, for over 7 years now.

I kind of don't understand those that are unwilling to accept that. Take that extra step from "great friends" to life partners, at this stage.

"Great friends", as close as they may be, don't suck on each other's ears, don't give each other hickey's, don't tattoo the other's name on their hand (if a friend does that, well they need to look real deep inside themselves and understand that it's way more than friendship they are feeling). There are so many other behaviours we see with these two, towards each other and towards others that are clear proof they are not just "great friends". Why is it so hard for some to take that leap? Is it the fear of labeling? These two can't say it out loud. They just can't. Closeted queer couple in SK. Two mega stars months away from enlisting into military service. But with that they have sent us every single possible clue telling us they are queer and a couple. They want those that will accept and support them to see THEM.

Guys, what was TTU Seoul 2019 all about if not their defiance and telling us they are together and want us to love them, accept them?

I digress, I know.

Point being, they are together, a couple, for years, and Letter, it's JM's song for JK, you know, the one he told us in 2016 that he would write to the person he loved. His forever person.

#Jimin #JM #PJM1 #JM Face #JM Letter #JM Letter draft lyrics

[lonely-journal-keeper]

Today I was in therapy and realized that despite having been seeing my current therapist for 6 years, I had never gotten into the whole thing about my dad before.

So I did. I explained how when I was little, ages 6,7,8, my dad would refuse to take part in my therapy treatments and borderline sabotage them because he didn’t like or understand them. How he basically made my mom take full responsibility for my mental health shit (as well as my younger sibling who was a toddler) bc he didn’t want to be bothered by it. I told my therapist how the fact my dad was constantly working and unwilling to take part in my therapy stuff meant I rarely saw him or spent significant amounts of time with him. That meant I spent a lot of time with my mom, and the two of us built up a bit of resentment against him for his lack of involvement

I told my therapist how this resentment turned into disappointment and disillusionment from my mom, with her saying things about how she wishes my dad was different and better and how she was sorry that he wasn’t, as if it was her responsibility to apologize to me. How staring when I was maybe 11 years old I became my parents therapist for their relationship, with each of them coming to complain about me to the other. I told my therapist about how it was around that time that my mom started implying that she was considering divorcing my dad, making comment or bordering on asking if she should. I explained how multiple people have asked me how likely it is that my parents will get divorced after my sibling graduates - and I always say very likely.

I gave my therapist the background on my dads refusal to do anything to fix our relationship, his unwillingness to ever admit fault and his adamancy that what happened in the past should stay the in the past, and therefore doesn’t need to be discussed or dealt with in the present. How my dad gets jealous of my closeness to my mom but doesn’t do anything about it except be passive aggressive. That he doesn’t think he needs to engage in any form of self improvement or go to therapy despite everyone in my house telling him so for years. How he’s stubborn as a brick and either unwilling or unable to accept help.

I told my therapist how I’m so used to it at this point, how my dad works all the time so I don’t have to interact with him a ton anyway. How I don’t have any real desire to try and work on it with him because I know it won’t get me anywhere and in order to salvage a relationship you have to have had one to begin with. How he pays for all my stuff so I don’t want to risk losing that financial support. That honestly I feel bad for my mom, because she’s essentially trapped in this marriage since she’s disabled and can’t work and make money independent of him even if she wanted to.

And my therapist was surprised these details had never come up before. Even though the majority of it happened when I was too young to really understand the full implications of it and as I got older I started only mentioning and thinking about the big issues, like when he would say specific things and give me panic attacks or start arguments with my family for no reason. She asked me how I felt about the whole situation - to which I said it’s obviously not ideal but I don’t feel like it’s my fault, since the reasons for our disagreements are based in the actions that he took as a fully grown adult when I was a mentally ill child. I came to terms a long time ago with the fact that he’s not going to change his behavior and all I can really do is call him out on his bullshit as it occurs. If he wants to change things that’s on him. The proverbial ball has been on his court for nearly 20 years.

I guess I never really considered myself to have Daddy Issues until now. I mean I knew I had issues with my dad, but not capital D Daddy Issues. I suppose it explains at least in part my disdain for men in positions of power and why my family dynamic is the way it is.

#11/15/22

[warlordgab]

LuNa analysis: Emotional and Intellectual chemistry

This is a special edition meant to help a friend explain this aspect of Luffy and Nami's relationship as potrayed in Oda's works (excludes the anime adaptation). It's no something truly new, it's more like a summary of multiple analyses made in this blog and other places.

The first time we mentioned this particular subject in this blog, the idea was to showcase the difference between "sexual tension" and the concept of chemistry.

Shallow fans sometimes used both terms interchangeably as if they were the same thing. Well, they're not.

Chemistry refers to the natural connection between two persons, a common feeling between two characters that leaves a impact strong enough to move their hearts and stimulate their minds. Needless to say, it's something complex, sometimes subtle, but very appealing.

It's not something tied to sexual attraction, and it's definitively not a mere infatuation. It's something much deeper than that...

However, some popular newcomers to the One Piece community mistake this concept with "dynamic." They may focus on character(s) they grow fond with, and then claim their dynamic is a sign of "chemistry" because of how much they like it.

The "character dynamics" would refer to the way characters work with or against each other within the story. While chemistry is about how the characters bond with each other throughout the story.

But then, how does LuNa showcase actual chemistry? By relying on more than one kind of chemistry.

We've seen it before, the development of a bond that grows naturally through mutual trust/faith, with the most importat trait being the capability of regulating the partner's emotions.

This kind of chemistry is marked by emotional support producing a remarkable attachment. In such a relationship, the distressed person feels comfortable enough to express their anxiety, grief, and helplessness to their partner because said partner is capable of providing with relief, comfort, and/or hope.

It's probably starting to sound familiar, right? LuNa fans would certainly think of Arlong Park and the pass of the hat, a gesture that provided Nami with the relief and hope she needed to stand up and keep going.

But, we have the moments from Skypiea too:

When she was overwhelmed by fear and doubts, Luffy does something similar, but this time is to remind Nami that she's the companion of the future Pirate King, and as such, she has nothing to fear. It was so effective that it led to a remarkable character moment from Nami, and her brief skirmish with Enel, in which she drew courage from her captain. That creates enough confidence for Nami to open her heart when there's something troubling her. Remember Water 7? After learning the truth about Robin's desertion, and shortly after missing the train Robin got in, Nami didn't seem distressed at all. In fact, she got up determined and unwilling to give up. But, how did she act when she got the chance to explain the truth to Luffy?

She and displayed the helplessness, frustration, and sadness she truly felt when she got to Luffy.

A smilar scene plays out when we get to Zou. Sanji was taken away, and while Nami seemed ok and even elated at the fact Luffy and the rest are back, is when she's in Luffy's arms that she once again expresses how helpless and anguished she feels...

This is how emotional chemistry looks like! It's not about meaningless flattery, flowery words, nor a mere infatuation. It's about growing attached to one another through a strong companionship, mutual trust/faith, offering support/comfort when needed.

Now, true chemistry occurs when characters affect each other in meaningful ways. And Nami also has an effect on Luffy. When Oda wrote the Strong World movie, we get to see how she affects her captain. When Nami got no other choice but leave a message in which she seemingly doubts Luffy's strength and capabilities, Luffy reacts this way...

This shows how much Luffy values the perception Nami has of him.

Another perceptive reader explained the difference between this situation and Ennies Lobby. During that massive rescue mission "Luffy is angry at Robin for not worrying about her own safety." In Strong World, the idea of Nami not believing in him is something Luffy takes personal. And as explained in multiple posts, we later learn Nami never stopped believing in Luffy, and the idea of Luffy hearing about it was pretty embarrassing to her.

Well, what about Intellectual Chemistry?

This is a tricky one, because most people think is having a similar level of intelligence. But, even in real life, it's pretty likely potential partners have different degrees of education, so they're not always going to perfectly click or match in this regard.

Then, how people can develop this kind of chemistry under such circumstances? One of concepts of intellectual chemistry is the capability of challenging each other's perspective and beliefs on subjects and matters relevant to both persons.

LuNa fits the second bit, for the greatest challenge each character's perspective has is the other's...

...Nami’s character from the very beginning had a very clear distate for pirates and had trouble trusting others. Her perspective served as not only a contrast to Luffy's idealism, but also as a challenge Luffy and his ideals had to actively overcome. This kind of chemistry covers other aspects that, even people who are not fond of LuNa, could see and mention. For example:

Unlike Zoro, Robin, and others crewmates who, more often than not, go along with Luffy's course of action without questioning their captain, Nami is usually the one who challenges Luffy's decisions. It makes sense given Nami's role, as she herself explained in Weatheria...

While Luffy is the one who chooses where to go, Nami is the only one can get him where he wants to go. She seeks to provide Luffy with the  guidance he needs to survive his journey. She’s the compass leading Luffy towards his adventures.

Now, Intellectual Chemistry not only consists of challenging each other’s perspectives, it’s also about openly discussing each other’s ideas with the right mindset, not because you’re trying to win an argument, but as a mean to learn more about your partner, and as a result, you get to better understand that significant person and both parts work together as a team.

In this regard, it's true Nami is one who questions Luffy the most, but  she doesn't actively try to change his mind, instead she attempts to get Luffy to rationalize his choices.  And once Luffy voices out his reasons and/or motivations for doing something, she offers her assitance and full support. We see one example in Skypiea:

At first, she questions why Luffy is making such a great effort to climb the beanstalk and fight Enel a second time, Nami even urges him to stop and flee with her. She keeps pushing until Luffy clearly states why he's not running away.

Nami could easily run away on her own, but as soon as she understands Luffy’s reasons, she stays, and they’re able to work together to ride the beanstalk so Luffy can finally defeat Enel.

This is not one-sided either. If we go to the Dressrosa arc, we got Nami communicating Luffy her plan of splitting into two teams to keep Ceasar and Momonosuke away from Doflamingo. 

And Luffy not only fully supports her idea, he even follows it up with a mission for the team that stayed at Dressrosa.

Another possible example could be one particular scene from the Zou arc. Luffy’s original intent was going to rescue Sanji on his own...

...until Nami reminds him how much he needs her and her navigation skills to keep going. Luffy accepts the reasons she gave him, and alters his original plan accordingly.

We can find other moments to showcase this aspect of their relationship, but to make things short, we can sum it up like this: when their different perspectives clash, they challenge each other’s ideas to the point of gaining a better understanding of each other, and end up acting according to that understanding, they display Intellectual chemistry.

Bonus: Physical Chemistry?

I wasn't going to include this one, but given a japanese fan brought it up ages ago, I decided to leave a couple of scenes that may fit the concept.

That japanese fan based his comment on Strong World, the movie written by Oda. To make it short, physical chemistry doesn't necessarily means "sex" either, it really comes down to how comfortable a person feels with their partner. However, the details and quirks in this particular kind of chemistry vary from people to people. Just like it can vary from writer to writer.

We often mentioned in this blog certain moment in Fishman Island, where Nami had no problem with Luffy wrapping himself around her...

...she indeed bickered with Luffy, but it was about Luffy's wanting to venture through a dangerous route rather than their physical closeness. A nice way to show how comfortable she feels around him. In contrast, she doesn't pull any punches, or thunders, when punishing people for pervying around her. Something that remains consitent even in the Wano arc (at least in the original source: the manga) Regardless of whether or not these count as “physical chemistry,” we can still appreciate how Oda crafted a solid emotional chemistry, and intellectual chemistry as well, in the way he wrote Luffy and Nami.

#one piece #luffy x nami #LuNa #lunami #chemistry #analysis #ルナミ

[skamamoroma]

Skam Italia S4: The Hide and Seek Scene

I was asked to write about my favourite scenes from Skam Italia s4 and this one specifically first which is a risk because, so far, I haven’t been able to watch it without crying, to the point where I am 100% sure the music is emotionally coded or I have eventually gone mad.

Anyway, this post was inevitable because if you know me, you know I adore Marti and Nico so much and have written long posts all those months ago that, I guess, this had to be done! And it’s long but it’s me, it was never going to be short! (I type fast)

Before I go through the song... at this point in the season, it’s kind of heartbreaking watching Nico sit there and look at Marti with so much longing and emotion. You can tell he misses him desperately. And Marti? Ah my favourite idiot. We KNOW how upset he is. I think at this point, he is telling himself he’s fine and that he’s drawing a line and he hasn’t got anything left to say to Nico… mainly out of sheer stubbornness. Nico’s lies and the way he tried to hide things clearly hurt and frightened him, triggering worries of loss and being left behind, of not being good enough, of Nico’s past changing what they have, of Nico’s past actions with Maddalena being something that could happen again. Neither of them are NOT understandable. I look at them both and I see the foundation they built back when they first got together and how that can only have strengthened immeasurably because of how long they’ve been together… I am reminded that the look in Nico’s eyes spells out what he told Marti on that balcony - “i’m thinking about the fact that I’m in love with you and I’ve never felt this way before”. Marti isn’t a stop gap or a second best because he couldn’t have Luai… Marti is hugely important to him. Nico adores him and not only that, adores him FOR who Marti is. I think it’s that basis that didn’t once make me feel anxious when episode 7 arrived. I feel I know these characters and their hearts. We know Marti’s so well and know that when he loves you, you’re his family. We know he considers Nico to be that… he left his father and step family behind, reconciling his past anger and walked away towards those he considers his family: his mamma, Gio/Luchino/Elia and Nico… he chose them and he specifically walked towards Nico with so much honesty to tell him he was by his side. The idea that ANY of that could be disrupted and that Nico perhaps isn’t who he thought he was… “somebody that I used to know” - not only an amazing song choice for Nico/Luai but also for Marti/Nico. Marti’s face screamed “I don’t know all of you” when he realised Nico’s past had been hidden from him. Marti’s fear of losing Nico caused him to cut and run and he effectively broke his own heart… but at the same time, Nico didn’t help himself. By trying to do the right thing, he made it worse and I think the bottom line is that eventually Marti felt left behind, felt that Nico’s extended secrecy and lies were a reflection of their relationship…

But he didn’t have all of the facts and his own fear and freak out meant he wasn’t seeing clearly. We know Nico loves Marti with his whole heart not only because he told us but because of that comfort they give off as a couple… it’s just a FACT. 

And this is where this clip makes me weepy. Because we know Nico’s past now. We know 3 pretty important things

Nico always felt spoken for and lost in his relationship with Maddalena. He wasn’t trusted, was spoken over, was belitted at times and felt he lost his voice. He was subject to all of that but put up with it. She wasn’t a bad person… their relationship just wasn’t healthy. His extended Last Man metaphor was his own way to ‘escape’ and be with Marti, someone who made him feel safe and listened to and cared for. Marti is his safe space.

Luai wasn’t just a mistaken kiss. He meant something. He may not have meant what Marti means or even close to it but that doesn’t matter. He was SOMETHING and if Nico’s eyes and smile in the piano video are any clue, Nico was so fond of him. That became dark and upsetting and ultimately damaging for both of them and poor Luai. Poor poor soul. Poor Nico for having that so cruelly removed from him, perhaps wondering if he was to blame or if he’d stayed away all would have been fine. It makes sense now why Nico was so unwilling for Marti to see the real him, to give in to what he felt with Marti because, ultimately, Nico internalises. His worries must have been overwhelming. He must have feared that history would repeat or that somehow HE was the one who was toxic… which we know is so untrue. 

By meeting Marti, Nico suddenly has this whole group of lovely, fun, ridiculous, warm and inclusive friends who show so much love and support. It is SO TELLING that Nico is still there at Silvia’s birthday party. Nico is NOT simply Marti’s boyfriend. He is a part of their group and they care about him so much too.

Knowing those 3 things is why the song that Ludo chose will FOREVER make me cry the second I hear the words. How he found a song SO perfect for Nico’s story is astounding to me. Every lyric works and I think the only way to talk about this scene is to track it with the lyrics… I suggest listening to it as you read (if you’ve even got this far because IT IS JUST SO PRETTY). 

This scene is, if nothing else, a moment to honour Nico as a character and his relationship with Marti and I swear I’ll never be over it. 

I lived my life alone before you

We see Nico alone with his eyes closed. The idea that we KNOW Nico felt alone before he met Marti. He told him he felt alone in his head, in a crowd and alone with people he loved. Marti changed that. 

And with those that I’d never succeeded to love

Maddalena. Luai. Neither of them worked out. The first being unhealthy and damaging and the second being a tentative step into a hopeful romance which resulted in trauma.

But we know Nico is someone with a huge heart. He still wants to love and be loved in return… but he feared it so much because of his mental illness but also, we now understand, because of what happened to Luai

And I grew so accustomed to that kind of solitude

We saw he had. He told us that when he and Marti were in his bed. He lives his life feeling alone… so much so that the thought of being the Last Man frightened him so much.

I fought you, I did not know how to give it up

Well, even writing that made me cry. We WATCHED him fight his feelings for Marti. His own worries and fears making his route to falling for Marti full of bumps in the road. He felt unworthy and frightened… and yet he still couldn’t give Marti up. Time and time again he fought his way back to Marti - Halloween, Bracciano, by his plan for the apocalypse, on the balcony when Marti came out of the twinkle lights and then finally accepting to live life minute by minute despite his fear. 

Before you, had I ever known love or had I only known misuse of the power another had over me? The power another had over me.

Oh. This line. This is the one that gets me. Full on tears. The fact that Nico, as a lovely kind gentle creative beautiful soul knew more pain than most his age by the time he met Marti. Not only did it come from parents and a girlfriend who failed to listen to him, who always decided his feelings for him, his battle with his mental illness causing him to feel shame and as if he couldn’t be loved and listened to as Nico and not a product of his mind. As Stefano Benni and La Giraffa helped him find strength that he could know real feelings despite his brain being poorly, he kept trying and fighting. 

He watched a boy he liked, Luai, subject to significant mistreatment and trauma and no doubt partially blamed himself… never received closure for that and was left with clear scars from it

“Had i ever known love or had I only known misuse” - those words are so emotional for me. Had he? I don’t know if he had. It makes what he found with Marti so fundamental and meaningful. How safe Marti must have made him feel. No WONDER he tried to hard to cling on. 

I crossed the country and I carried no key, couldn’t I look up at the stars from anywhere?  And sometimes I did, I felt ancient but I still sought peace and it never came to me

I heard this and immediately thought of his mental health and also his path through his struggles. That idea of ENDURING and going through so much… never being able to see the stars or a way out. That overwhelming shame. That feeling of being weary and exhausted. The fact that he DID always keep going, always seeking peace and comfort and contentment but “it never came”….

They often spoke as thought I had been set free, but I travelled only in service of my dreams. I stood before them all, I was a sleepwalker

AH. Oh god this song. Every line, man. The idea that Nico has had people who have told him how to behave or have caused him to question his own mind… the fact he must have been told time and time again that he’s getting better or that he’s being monitored… but he chose to keep going if anything, for his passions. We KNOW he is a renaissance guy, a creative quirky soul. He plays piano and draws and sculpts and is a lover of film and the arts as a whole. All of that makes him deeply passionate and he uses it to help him, often to cope. But the idea of being a sleepwalker… the idea that he walked through life half asleep a lot of the time because of his past experiences even in the face of those who told him they cared.

Couldn’t hold my misery down, not even for you. 

Nico can’t change who he is. He was never able to and nor should he. But he felt he wasn’t good enough for Marti. Meeting Marti made him want to change… but ultimately he realised that meeting Marti meant the opposite. He didn’t need to, he was loved as he is. 

But I long for you now even when you just leave the room

OH my. Tears again. We have just watched him stare at Marti across the room with so much love in his eyes, so much longing for his best friend, his love. Not having Marti must hurt and hurt badly.

And of all of the roads and cities that I passed through, of all of the eyes I have searched inside, the one sense of permanence that I came to feel was mine, only beneath your gaze

FUCK ME. Haha. That last line. Marti is his person. Of all of the things he has experienced, the people he has encountered and tried to love or tried to make connections with, none of them worked out and never once did he feelable to be himself entirely… until Marti. Beneath Marti’s gaze, he could feel that sense of permanence… he could see and be himself. 

I can’t even tell you how stunned I am at this song and how truly PERFECT it is for Nico… but that this last line… the fact the song tracks Nico through the house alone and ends with him finding Marti makes me want to weep into a cushion! 

The fact he’s helped by those who also love him. They orchestrated this because Nico means something to them and so does Marti. They want them to be happy and he’s helped to find his way back to Marti by true friends. 

The thing that CANNOT be ignored is that this whole thing happens because of Gio. Of COURSE it does. He spends this season trying to keep peace: with the girls, Nico/Marti and with Marti/la rosa squad. His heart is enormous and he just likes people to get along. My dude, how I love him.

As for the way the clip unfolds and the specifics, I love that it is the boys only who point Nico in the right direction. It had to be them. Gio being the one to lock the door. Gio’s smiles as he does it. It is SO reminiscent of the fact Gio left the cabin in Bracciano for them. He’s always there for Marti but that also means he’s there for Nico too and he won’t allow them to be unhappy. 

I can’t handle how small Nico look, how cuddly in his sweater with his tumbly curls. He’s just the most endearing. The warmth of the lighting and of the house is a classic Skam Italia thing and is, as ever, like a comfort blanket.

The fact that Marti is under the bed makes me laugh with Nico having to bend down to see him… not to mention the “bastardi”. Oh my sweet idiot boy. He was never going to be able to get away with his self destruction and stubbornness forever and his boys won’t let him. I love that it’s so Marti. The whole exchange is so in character… Marti’s “I can jump out of the window” is his ever sarcastic self at play and I adore him for it and so does Nico because in the face of everything, Nico laughs. There’s just this overwhelming send of comfort and sweetness, I can’t explain it.

The fact that Nico asks “can I come closer?”. The softness of his voice, the way he ASKS and doesn’t just do it, the way he KNOWS he must go to Marti and that Marti’s stubbornness is fierce but also that he fell in love with Martino Rametta… he needs to spell things out for Marti and let him know what he wants. 

What is also REALLY sweet is that it’s kind of Gio AND Elia who stand at the front of the door with Elia looking to Gio and celebrating their little trick. Their unspoken words and communications throughout Nico and Marti’s story was fundamental and we see it again. The characterisation is just so unbelievably consistent and meaningful. Their little high five at the end is adorable.

The fact they’re all outside, all hopeful and full of love for both boys is so heartwarming. I can’t! 

I also LOVE the way Filo is there cuddled into Gio’s arm. THE SWEETNESS. Everyone must love cuddles from Gio. But Filo being a part of it is just PERFECT as he’s fundamental to them both too. 

Then the ending being so so so sweet with Sana being so filled with love for her friends and for Marti and Nico that she uses that to spur her on to make a big decisions of her own. How I adore and cherish this scene so very very much. 

I think their story in s4 carries on so well with so many ideas from s2, not just filling in the gaps about Nico’s past. It adds SO much to s2 and things we see, heard and experienced with both Nico and Marti.

The thing that most surprises me is that we are effectively handling an Evak couple “breaking up” in this season. Yes, it wasn’t a proper break up but still, in Evak terms that could be catastrophic. It isn’t and it wasn’t and I hold Ludo entirely responsible for the fan’s ability to understand and appreciate why he chose to test them. He didn’t allow them to become background mannequins, didn’t allow them to be unrealistically perfect, didn’t villainise either of them and made them both understandable. This would have, in other circumstances, caused a total fandom meltdown but all I’ve seen are insightful posts about why YES it hurt to see them upset and going through a rough time but NO it didn’t ruin them and, if anything, made them feel more real and more connected and determined to be better. The way Ludo  loves Marti and Nico is all over this season despite it being Sana’s and, for me, it never takes away from her story. All anyone wanted from the inclusion of Nico’s past was that he was gifted some focus to honour his experiences and Ludo tried in so many ways to give him that and… well, this scene, to me, is a gift for Nico as a character.

If you got this far then GOD BLESS YOU but it is a testament to Ludo that I can always write damn essays on his work. I am so grateful to him for finding a moment in Sana’s season to do this and for it to mean SO MUCH despite it being so simple.

#skam italia #skam italia spoilers #nicotino #thoughts etc #hide and seek #si s4 #i was proper teary writing this

[calliecat93]

ST: TNG S4 Watchthrough Episodes 6-9

Legacy: We have ended up on the home planet of Tasha Yar… and wow it’s not a nice place. We also find out that she has a sister, welp. So… it was alright. Ishara is very similar to Tasha in demeanor, but also very different. I tilt my head at the crew being so willing to trust and accept Ishara into their midst when they know nothing about this woman. I could see the ‘she’s using them’ plot a mile away. But to be fair, the episode addresses it. They wanted to see Tasha. They wanted to see the brave, loyal, strong-willed Security Chief that they lost so callously in her sister… and in the end, that took over. While I can see why Ishara acted as she did, she didn’t know these people and hasn’t seen Tasha in years so she’s under no obligation to care about them, it really has to hurt that she used them and almost committed mass murder and make them take the lame. Her world is a hellhole so her actions make sense, but that doens’t change the betrayal. Especially for Data. Riker sums it up well, with trust comes betrayal… but without trust, there is no friendship. That’s just the cruel truth. Anyways, it was a fine episode. I like that we have a pot-mortem for Tasha even if late… but it just makes me wish that tasha herself didn’t get killed sos he could have had her own plot and feeligns focused on. It still pisse sme off and is just a reminder of so much wasted potential. But ah well, for what they had to work with, they did it welll. 3/5.

Reunion: K’Ehleyr is back… and with a child. Worf’s child, to be exact. Huh. have been waiting very patiently for a follow-up to Sins of the Father and this was an excellent one! Back in K’Ehleyr’s first episode, she was unwilling to take the Oath and Worf wanted to so much and follow the Klingon traditions. Here? K’Ehleyr is ready and doens’t care that he was discommendated… but now Worf can’t. he’s been dishonored and even if it means nothing to K’Ehleyr, it means a great deal to him. He can’t let her or his son bear that shame. It’s so hard to watch him here. How anguished he feels, the way the other Klingons treat him despite it being their damn fault that he accepted it, to begin with, just knowing that he did nothing wrong… but for the greater good, he has to bear it. He doesn’t even want Alexander to be known as his son not because he’s unwilling to accept parental responsibility but to spare him of the dishonor. Just… freakin’ ouch. I was so happy to see K’Ehleyr back and her character is just so freakin’ good and her wanting to allow Alexander to find his life path? Excellent parenting. So… needless to say, her being killed off pisses me off. They at least allowed her character to shine, but… it feels like they only did it to make Worf suffer more. It was well-executed, I was about ready to tear up and Worf being driven to kill Duras for all the suffering that he put him through and now killing the woman he loved (which btw the romantic chemistry was MUCH better here than last time)? I can’t blame him at all. I get why he got reprimanded since Duras was a political figure and this can cause a whole host of problems and clearly Picard was sympathetic… but I just felt so bad for Worf. At least he admitted that he was Aexander’s father and hopefully the poor kid will have a good life with Worf’s parents, bu… yeah. K’Ehleyr’s death stops me form giving this a perfect score, very least I wish we had gotten to see her fight instead of goign to commerical and them walking in on her bloody corpse… but at least they got the tone down. I just hope that one day, Worf and his brother can truly expose the conspiracy because Worf deserves a Hell of a lot better. 4.5/5.

Future Imperfect: Let’s perform a thought experiment, shall we? Imagine going on assignment on your birthday, business as usual… then some kind of mishap happens. You wake up… and discover that you have lost sixteen years' worth of your memory. You can’t remember significant life changes, special moments for yourself and your loved ones, or even your spouse and child. Then just as you begin getting used to things and accepting this new life… you find out that it was all a lie and you were in an illusion all along. You were captured and tricked… and then you find out that was also a lie and it was all due to a lonely alien child left on a barren planet/within a highly advanced Holodeck system that can give him anything that he wants, everyone he knew had died and he did all of this just to have a friend. Congratulations folks, you have now experienced what Riker went through this episode! Yeah, this episode was crazy. I feel bad for the poor kid, while he shouldn’t have done what he did we’re talking about a lonely child essentially forced to live in a Holodeck and just wanted to interact with someone real. Also, I loved how Riker got clued in on how the future word was fake, excellent call-back to Season One! Not much else to say, but good episode! It was wild, that’s for sure~ 3.5/5.

Final Mission: Well folks, this is the curtain call for Wesley Crusher. I know that he pops back up once or twice, but this will be his final episode as a main character as he finally enters the Academy. We’ll get to my final thoughts on Wesley here in a bit, but l focus on the episode itself first. And… it was fine. We have Picard, Wesley, and some third guy crash land on a desert planet, the Enterprise unaware of if they’re alive or not. Thus the three struggle to survive which not only is the third guy essentially a paranoid asshole… but a cave-in seriosuly injures Picard. Thus Wesley is more or less on his own and has to keep Picard alive. Thankfully we avoid killing him off, and thus they make sure to give Wesley a proper send-off. They let him showcase his strengths with his intellegence, fast thinking, and compared to in the beginning he’s much more mature and capable of handling an Away Mission. This convinced me that yes, Wesley is ready for the Academy and that he will be a great Starfleet Officer someday. Meanwhile the Enterprise are dealing with their own issues because of course they are. Nothing can ever just go easy for these people. can it? It’s fine. The Enterprise plot didn’t have me invested aside form worrying about Dr. Crusher. The poor woman just burris herself in her work to deal with her worry about Wesley and evades Troi when she tries to assure her Otherwise the plot is there sot hat it can be a solo Picard and Wesley adventure without hem interfering. Which while I havn’t been the biggest fan of their dynamic, it’s clear how much Welsey admires Picard such as recounting their Samaritan Snare adventure, and Picard admititng that he brought him along because he was going to miss the kid. It’s a nice moment between the characters and allows Wesley to truly open up… though I wish it focused more on him and his mother since that’s been seriously lacking, but ah well. It was still a good send-off episode for Wesley and that’s how you want to treat your characters, whether they stay ont he show or not. 3/5.

As for Wesley himself… it’s been a bumpy road. Do I agree with the consensus that Wesley is an annoying child character that even his actor agrees with (albeit I think jokingly but still)? No. Wesley isn't a bad character. He’s a smart young kid, tries his best, makes mistakes but tries to do his best, and he grew. He’s a perfectly likable kid and this episode especially shows the best of him. Do I agree that the character's role and execution were annoying and contributed to his reputation? Yes. That is ultimately what it boils down to decent character, poor execution. In S1 Wesley was elevated far more than he needed to be. He was given privileges that no other character his age would have been granted no matter the competency level that borders on blatant favoritism. Whenever he made a serious error, he got praise for fixing it, never scolded for his actions with The Naked Now being the worst example. He still had good episodes like Coming of Age, but alas. I think having a kid character who aspires to be in Starfleet, has a parent who is a prominent crew member, and being able to use his skills to help was a perfectly fine idea… but there were just issues with how they did it. S2 and 3 were. While I disliked him at the end of The Dauphin and he still got showed some blatant favoritism, it was better balanced. I didn't feel he earned to be an Ensign until this episode… y’know, the one that shipped him off to The Academy. Crusher being written out in S2 and then brought back in S3 also really killed any and all potential that their dynamic could have truly brought which also hurt. It really feels like by S3 they just didn’t know what to do with the character anymore, limiting him to mainly Helmsman duty. He wasn't being elevated anymore… but he wasn't adding anything anymore either. Maybe promoting him was to help give him something… but Wil Wheaton decided to go, and that ended that. I can’t say I’m sad to see Wesley go because his potential just got squandered to the point that keeping him just felt pointless, and having him go to the Academy feels like the best natural end-point for him, so might as well be now. Nevertheless, Wesley was still part of the crew and for all that I criticized, he certainly didn’t deserve the hate that he got. If people like or even relate to the character, that’s great! He just didn’t work for me unfortunateley. Wil Wheaton obviously moved on to bigger, better things and is well-liked in the fandom, so that’s good cause he certainly did the best that he could. He just wasn’t given a lot of good material. Hopefully Welsey’s later guest appearances will give him somethingg ood and heck maybe they’ll convince Wheaton to come back in Picard one day, but for now… farewell Wesley. Can’t say I’ll miss you, but it wasn’t the worst ride either.

#st watchthrough

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #358

“i know the pieces fit, ‘cuz i watched them fall away”

Would you ever own a Great Dane as a pet? Oh Lord, my mom wants one so bad. She looooves big dogs. I wouldn't, though. I don't want another dog, period. What was or is your favorite quality about your recent ex? Her resilience, strength, creativity, loyalty, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. lol. Have you ever witnessed a human being giving birth in real life? No, and I NEVER fucking will. What about an animal? Yeah, cats. What kind of things do you enjoy reading about on sites like Wikipedia? I sometimes do that for straightening out game plots after watching a let's play if I have remaining questions. Wikipedia tends to do well with compressing it. Which country’s cuisine that you haven’t tried, would you be interested in sampling? (e.g. Moroccan, Thai etc.) I wouldn't know because I'm not educated enough on foreign cuisines. What’s the last movie you watched on your own? The Shining, I think, forever ago. Fried, poached, boiled or scrambled eggs? Scrambled. Have you ever got into a club, whilst being underage? I've never tried. Are you happy with your relationship with God, or do you want more from it? I don't have one. Do you struggle with boredom? Very, very severely. I have absolutely awful anhedonia; I'm pretty much constantly bored. Literally. I just... find things to pass the time, even if I'm not really enjoying myself. What famous person do you wish you could be friends with? I'm going to assume here you don't mean a significant other, because uh... y'all been known lmaooo. I would really love to be friends with Gab Smolders (I know that's not her real name, just using her YT name), because we have very similar interests. As well, Suzie Hanson is a fucking SWEETHEART. I miss her channel. :( At some point I want to purchase some stuff from her store to support the darling. Man, thinking of this question, there's really a lot. What would you do if you were famous? Hate it, haha. Do you wish you hair were shorter or longer? It's at a fine length right now. What photo editing website or software do you use? Lightroom and Photoshop. What hair color looks best on you and what’s your natural color? I think my hair looked best black. It's naturally brown. What is your favorite show to watch? Meerkat Manor. It is so, so comforting to me. Are your maternal/parental instincts strong? Not with kids, oddly enough. I've only ever really encountered strong protective instincts with significant others like when they're sick or something like that. In school, do you/did you work better by yourself or in a group? I absolutely worked better alone. I hated group work. Do you know anyone who has a collection of old records? My mom did, once upon a time. I feel like I know someone who does now... but idk. Do you go on any forums often? Just RP ones. Would you ever agree to an open relationship with someone? Nnnnope. Do people always say you’re too thin? Uh, I have the opposite problem. Could you design a whole web page yourself? Not from scratch, no. I've only done so on free sites that give you the bare bones and easy editing. Have you ever cooked an entire dinner for your family? Definitely not. Do you prefer piano music or violin music? Ohhhh, both are beautiful, but I have to say violin. Who do you tend to get in fights with the most? My mom, I guess, not that we fight a lot. Are you attracted to spooky and macabre things naturally? YEP. Have you ever bobbed for apples? Were you successful? No. It's disgusting if you're going after others, and besides, I HATE water up my nose and have never quite figured out how to block it out without plugging it. Hypothetically speaking, if you had a child [too young to make their own decisions], what would you dress him/her up as for Halloween? It would depend on what their interests were. Do you intend to take your children trick-or-treating, if ever you have any? I'm not having kids, but if I did, I definitely would if they wanted to go. What is the coolest jack-o-lantern you have ever seen? Now THAT'S hard, I really don't know. What was your favorite candy to get from trick-or-treating? What about your least favorite? Reese's was my favorite, and I never liked Tootsie Rolls. Did you ever receive anything that wasn’t candy? Maybe? I feel like I have... Have you ever carved a really extensive pumpkin, or were they always simple carvings? Yes; I once carved a pumpkin with a raven design with "and quoth the raven, 'nevermore'" written into the back. The raven wasn't just a flat cut-out, but rather carved in layers so the light came through differently at certain depths. Are you more interested in cute, funny, “sexy”, or scary costumes? For myself, absolutely the scary ones. In general though, I'm not gonna BS ya, I love me some sexy costumes, haha, but also still scary and particularly gory ones. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I seriously hate admitting this, but Mom has confessed that my yelling has scared her before when scolding our former dog that I fucking hated. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on your with gifts.) I absolutely need words of affirmation. I just need to hear a lot that you do still like/love me. Also, if you're unwilling to actually act like we're a couple in front of ANYONE, like you're ashamed of me or something, byyyyeeee. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? It depends, I guess. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? Any that have underlying medical issues, like pugs, spider ball pythons, Persian cats, etc. etc... It's just a moral thing; I don't want to support the deliberate continuation of poor genes in animals for human monetary gain. It's just wrong to me. Away from breeds, I also don't really want free-roaming animals after my cat passes, because I don't want to endanger the reptiles and invertebrates I want as pets in the future. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? I grew up in one, yes. I never want to again. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? No. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Getting a job nowadays. I do NOT want to imagine what my life will be like if I never find employment. If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? This hasn't happened, no. If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept? Honestly, I want to try weed to see if it would help my anxiety, BUT I'm unwilling to ever smoke something, so no. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Yeah. Do you listen to country music? No. Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? No. Were you ever a trouble maker? Not really, no. Do you shave your legs? Hell, that's debatable by this point. I haven't since this past October, but I *would* if for whatever reason someone might see my legs. I am not overexaggerating when I say I naturally have men's legs as far as hair goes, oof. Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? That's what my dad always drank when he was an alcoholic. He doesn't touch alcohol now. Have you ever gotten sloppy drunk at a party? No. Have you ever slept naked? Accidentally. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life? I really don't think I could be. Do you actually like going to school? I never did. Have you ever really been in a “complicated relationship”? How did that work out? In your opinion, what makes a relationship “complicated”? No. I don't care enough to go into what a complicated relationship means, I think it's pretty obvious. Who was the first person you’ve ever fallen in love with? Is this a person you’re still in contact with? How do you know you’re in love with someone? Jason, and no. And you just... know. It's a wordless feeling . Have you ever successfully broken a bad habit? How about conquered a fear of something? Uhhhh I don't know, really. Well, I used to be AWFUL at picking my eyebrows, particularly when anxious, but I have gotten better at that. I still kinda do it, though. Onto the next question, I don't believe I've "conquered" a fear, but rather they just faded with time on their own. Have you ever read a whole series of books? Yeah. Are you going to walk at your graduation or just pick your diploma up? I walked. Do you own a pair of brass knuckles? No. Have you ever tried to break a Guinness World Record? No. Can you sing your ABC’s backwards? I can't. Do you like Skittles? I love Skittles. Do you know how to read music? I used to. Who would you say has made the biggest impact on your life? Really, Jason. He ultimately led to me getting proper treatment for my depression, which changed my life. I'm in no way giving him credit for it, but you get what I mean. You can only listen to THREE CDs for the rest of your life. What are they? Black Rain and Ozzmosis by Ozzy Osbourne, and uhhh... perhaps The Black Album by Metallica. Do you own any shirts that have a year on it? Yeah, but it's way too small for me now. It's from Back To The Future, when we actually reached the date in the movie. Have you ever done another person’s make-up? Ha, I gave Jason a makeover once. Honestly, do you double dip? Not if I'm sharing the dip with other people. Who were you last on an elevator with? My mom. Do you know anyone that has a black belt in karate? Not to my knowledge. How often do you wear hats? Never. Who is the youngest gay person you know? *shrug* Have you ever watched an animal being eaten by another animal? I've seen cats eat mice and stuff as a kid. What is the strangest, most “out there” thing you believe? Some people I'm sure would consider the fact I believe the government was involved in 9/11 as "out there," but when you look into it, it's far from "out there." Do you get along with people who are especially religious? Why/why not? It depends on how they act about it, not what they keep in their head. Now if they have just purely hateful beliefs that demonize another's existence, then no, we can't get along. Have you ever drawn or painted a self-portrait? Painted, yes, for an art class. Do you have any interesting pillow cases? No. Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Bees, generally. Especially if we're talking things like wasps, who are just demon spawns. Would you rather donate time, blood, or money? That's a really hard question, but I guess time? Like I'm thinking volunteer work and stuff, or listening to and comforting someone. Can grills be sexy on a guy? They're sexy on absolutely no one. Last strong smell you can remember smelling? Ugh, gasoline. This one car in front of my mom and me smelled awful. Last healthy thing you ate? Apples. Do you know anybody who was abused? Emotionally, yes. Do your parents volunteer anywhere? No. Do you have a steering wheel cover? Mom's car doesn't. What do you think of when you see sharp knives? This is really morbid, but I will immediately envision what it would be like to be stabbed. I'm very afraid of knives. The highway and back roads take you to the same place; choose your route. The back roads, of course. And let me bring my camera.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''schism'' by tool

[itsclydebitches]

I’ll reiterate Twiins iink point, if you keep having the characters develop and get over their problems too quickly, they’re going to stagnate. Well, unless you just keep shoveling on problems the characters shouldn’t care about. Ruby’s h-2-h is still my favorite example: the flaw’s introduced, given little attention, and then solved with Ruby head butting Merc. She's had 0 h-2-h fights these last 2 volume. It is NEVER going to brought up, again. I say that with the upmost certainty. 1/2

Either give them series long arcs as you say, or have their new growth develop out of a combination of their former experiences and the new plot. What I mean by that is, RWBY Volumes 1-3 had much more of a slice of life feel. Not in a literal genre sense, but just that the school setting made space for lots of personal conflict and growth. We had the White Fang stuff and the war slammed in at the end of Volume 3, but the rest was focused on the characters’ inner lives: How does Ruby become a leader as the youngest at Beacon? How does Jaune grapple with bullying? How does Weiss live with a faunus? How does Blake deal with her identity’s reveal? How is Yang going to find her mom? How will Pyrrha manage her fame? Etc. etc. 

There was outside conflict, yes, but we spent a significant amount of time delving into the characters’ personal lives and their relationships with one another, which fast-tracked a lot of that growth. Now we’ve got the opposite: a focus on outside conflict - There’s a war! Relics to find! Secrets to reveal! Kingdoms to reach! People to suspect of betrayal! - and we’ve almost entirely lost the space granted to the characters talking and growing closer. This not only makes the overall writing less compelling - They’ve got all this crazy shit happening in their lives now and no one is going to mention 75% of it? They’re supposedly getting by on The Power of Friendship but we still rarely most of them being friends? - but also severely limits where the characters can go now that they’ve blown through most of those personal arcs. They need to be reacting to the plot. You get change and growth by asking yourself, “Okay, how does the Atlesian heiress born into an incredibly privileged family, but wary of authority figures due to a lifetime of abuse, react to seeing her Kingdom leader making incredibly hard calls? How does this differ from the Patch born girl who was introduced as being so brazen that she blew up a bar for information, but who may be more receptive to Ironwood’s authority because they share similar trauma as individuals?” We got a lot of that work (not perfect work, but still in existence) back in the early volumes when the show asked, “How does the Schnee heiress born into a racist family react to Blake being a faunus/her White Fang status and how does that compare to the country girl’s reaction whose family is already pretty diverse?” And then we got those differing reactions. Which furthered Weiss’ growth. 

We can take all those core personality traits that were established early on and continually apply them to the more complex plot developments. We’ve actually seen a tiny bit of that work, namely in regard to Ren’s unnamed discomfort and Nora’s status as a poor orphan informing her view of the Mantle citizens... but RWBY didn’t commit to anything. They didn’t think really basic concepts through, like why Nora would stand there and criticize Ironwood for Amity but support Ruby for the exact same plan. Or why, if Ren’s reactions were important, they’d interrupt the one scene where he started to talk about them with a kiss. They’re unwilling to introduce any real conflict into the group. Weiss accepted Blake. Yang forgave Blake for running. Blake forgave herself. Jaune got over his insecurities. Nora snagged Ren as her boyfriend. Ruby successfully befriended Weiss. Oscar is still just there not having a significant relationship with anyone. The group became Perfect™ after they reunited and RT seems unwilling to mess with that. Now it’s just BFF Team RWBYJNR against the rest of the world, never wavering, never doubting one another, always right, a perfectly oiled machine that steadfastly ignores any flaws the audience sees... and though that’s definitely a compelling dynamic for some stories (think groups like the Sailor Moon squad), it doesn’t work well for a series without a known end where character growth is an expectation. 

#rwby #rwde #mymetas

[scullyfemme]

Timing -- Ch. 4

 “Would you believe it was supposed to be romantic?”

Scully buries herself in Christmas preparations and Mulder decides to try and distract her from thoughts of last year. Hopefully they can make it home before her mother's Christmas party in the morning.

Tagging @today-in-fic | Read it on Ao3

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After carefully tearing up his apartment in search of bugs (and then cleaning everything up at Scully’s behest), Mulder decided to keep the new bed. The two started splitting their time a bit more evenly between their apartments now that Scully could properly sleep at his place, and they rarely ever spent a night apart. 

As good as it was going, their relationship wasn’t perfect. One particular week was full of arguments and near-lateness to work after Mulder had accidentally snoozed Scully's alarm on a few separate occasions. Afterwards, she bought two new alarm clocks: one for Mulder to use at her place, and one for her to use at his. It was the sensible thing to do anyway, since she woke up earlier than him and couldn’t risk him turning off her alarm anymore. Mulder offered to pay her back for at least one of the clocks, but she just shrugged it off.

They argued about other things, too. Little things, mostly. Surprisingly, after so many years of working together and being in each others’ spaces so much, there was still a lot of stuff to navigate in this new phase of their relationship. Mulder left hair in the sink. Scully left her shoes wherever she removed them. His fridge was never stocked with anything other than leftover takeout and beer. Her stuff took up too much room in his shower.

But as much as they argued, none of it put their relationship any in real danger. In a strange way, bickering over trivial matters like whose toothbrush was whose (Mulder had two identical ones in his bathroom) lightened their relationship. When two people spend their lives with the weight of the world on their shoulders, the ability to spar over the fact that Scully put his things away in her apartment without telling him where they were (“Why are my ties in your closet?” “Mulder, they’re supposed to be hung up”) or how bad the coffee she owned was (“Mulder, after all the shitty diners we’ve eaten at, I’m surprised you still have any standards for coffee”) felt almost like a weird blessing. A way to remember that under the conspiracies and experiments and edges that had been sharpened over the years, they were still two people. Two humans.

With the events at Area 51 forgotten by everyone involved, their relationship was no longer on the Lone Gunmens’ radar (not that they knew it ever was). Scully’s mother, however, seemed to notice a change in her daughter during a lunch with her. She seemed happier, more easygoing.

“So, how’s work?” Maggie asked, trying to figure out why there was a more jovial air around her daughter all of a sudden. 

“Uh,” Dana sighed and seemed to deflate a bit. “Not great. We had to investigate more manure cases this week.” She made a face and toyed with her salad.

Maggie nodded thoughtfully. Not work, then. “How’s Fox?”

Her daughter stiffened almost imperceptibly at that. “Mulder’s fine,” She said, her voice just a bit too high-pitched to be normal. An overshot effort to sound casual.

Maggie eyed her. Ah. “Are you two...still partners?”

“Mhm,” She nodded too emphatically, not even looking at her mother.

Maggie narrowed her eyes, trying to study her daughter for any clues as to what was going on. She knew better than to ask — or even think — that the two of them might be romantically involved. Dana had stated countless times that nothing was going to happen there, and Maggie had given up asking. But still, something was different with her daughter, and she had a feeling Fox was involved.

There was no getting Dana to talk if she didn’t want to, though. Oh well. Best to just wait to see if she would talk on her own.

---

Once December set off, Scully launched herself into full holiday mode. Decorations, presents, cards, church. If it had to do with Christmas, she buried herself in it. Some days she was overly cheery, others she was extremely serious — as if the type of wrapping paper she used for Matthew’s present was a life-or-death situation.

It was strange, coming into her apartment to see her covered in flour for the umpteenth time as she tried out yet another destined-to-fail Christmas cookie recipe. She wasn’t a great baker and seemed to know it, but she kept insisting on trying. Unwilling to fail and determined to make cookies for her mother for whatever reason.

It always went the same. Mulder would lie and say they tasted good. She would chide him for lying to her because she already knew they were awful. She would heave a sigh, dump the cookies in the trash, dust herself off, and start cleaning the kitchen. He would help clean where he could, but mainly stayed out of her way. And she would try again tomorrow, or whenever she was free.

Frightening as it was to see her like this, Mulder knew what she was doing. It had been a year since the events involving Emily. Scully was trying to put it out of her mind, trying to bury the bad memories with busywork and fake Christmas cheer. He didn’t want to pry her about it; dredging it up wouldn’t help her now. If she wanted to forget, he would help her forget. So he went along with her for nearly everything else, too. Present-shopping, decorating her apartment. He even offered to go to church with her at one point, but she thought he was joking and insisted on going alone. 

He wanted to do more for her, though. Maybe a date. A unique one. Not an X-File, or at least not anything resembling a case. She wouldn’t want to work one so close to Christmas and she would no doubt bring up the fact that they weren't working X-Files anymore. Maybe something X-Files-adjacent, though. Not a full case, but more like...an attraction. A field trip.

Maybe there was a haunted house in the area.

---

Mulder always felt out of place in the department store. It wasn’t because he felt awkward tailing Scully while she shopped for her last few gifts. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He was happy to follow her around and he had fun giving unwanted input on gifts for family members he’d never heard of. He could tell it amused her too.5hh

No, he felt out of place because it always seemed like every other man here looked like they’d rather die than be gift shopping with their significant others. They trudged along behind their wives and girlfriends and merely shrugged when asked for input on items. It was especially worse today, on Christmas Eve. No one seemed to be enjoying their last-minute shopping.

He supposed he should give the other men the benefit of the doubt, but then a few of them would try to exchange knowing looks with Mulder over what they interpreted as a shared negative experience. Shackled to the old ball-and-chain while she shops. He simply shot them a confused look and then leaned over to point out to Scully that blue throw pillows would probably look better with Cousin Lucy’s living room set.

“Mulder, you’ve never even met Lucy.”

“No, but I can see her living room in my mind’s eye.” There was a gleam in his eye. “It’s, uh, it’s nautical-themed. Little decorative anchors on the walls and those, uh, those clear vases full of sand and seashells. So...blue.”

She eyed him humorously. “Mulder, Lucy is afraid of the ocean. I can assure you that nothing in her house is nautical-themed.”

“Oh.” He grinned good-naturedly. “Then go with the red ones.”

A half-hour later, they had moved on to the kitchenware section of the store.

“Hey, Scully,” Mulder started off cautiously as he watched her pore over two pans — one silver and one copper. She'd already gotten three things for her mom, but she’d noticed the sale on pans and commented how her mother needed a new one. “How do you feel about a...little field trip later?”

“Hm?” She didn’t look up from the items and it was apparent that she wasn’t listening. After a moment, though, the question seemed to register in her mind and she looked up. “What do you mean, ‘field trip?’”

He hesitated, then took the silver pan from her left hand. “Your mom’ll like this one better. It matches the rest of her stuff.” He turned on his heel and walked away.

“Mulder, what field trip?” She put the other pan down and followed him out of the kitchen section. “It’s Christmas Eve, this better not be some X-Files goose chase. And how do you know what my mom’s kitchenware looks like?”

“I’ve been to her house before, haven’t I?” He stopped and turned to face her. “And it’s not an X-File, it’s… Well…” He tilted his head and grimaced.

“It is an X-File.” She knew what that grimace meant.

“Not a case. Just...phenomena.”

“Phenomena,” she repeated, reluctance on her face. “Mulder…”

“Look, we’re almost done here, right?” He straightened up, gesturing to the multiple items they were both holding. “Just a few more gifts, and then we’re good to go. The night’s still young and we’ll be there and back within plenty of time.”

She shook her head. “Mulder...I’ve-I’ve still got to wrap all this.”

“I’ll help you wrap.”

“It’s too far away.”

“You don’t even know where it is.”

“Well, where is it?”

“Only an hour’s drive.”

She licked her lips in thought and he knew he was close to winning.

“We’ve got family roll under the tree at six in the morning,” she argued. “For my mom’s Christmas party, remember? The one you didn’t even tell me you were going to?”

He smiled. Her mother had invited him over for Christmas nearly every year since they’d started working together. This was just the first year he’d accepted.

“Like I said, we’ll be there and back in plenty of time. C’mon, Scully, it’ll be fun.”

She glowered at him — the one that meant he'd won but she didn't want to admit it yet — then pushed past him to make her way to the candle section, where she started browsing. He followed her and stood right behind her, nearly touching her. Too close for her not to notice his presence. She ignored him though, pretending that the weird candle names were fascinating full-length novels.

After a few moments, she heaved another sigh and rounded on him, then nearly backed into the candle display when she realized just how close he was.

“Mulder-” She pressed a hand to his chest and pushed him back a bit, giving herself space. “What kind of phenomena are you even talking about?”

He gave her a toothy grin. “Have you heard the Tale of the Star-Crossed Lovers?”

---

“‘Cause you’re a lonely man,” the old man said to Mulder. “A lonely man chasing paramasturbatory illusions that you believe will give your life meaning and significance and which your pathetic social maladjustment makes impossible for you to find elsewhere. You probably consider yourself passionate, serious, misunderstood. Am I right?”

Mulder blinked. “‘Paramasturbatory?’”

“Most people would rather stick their fingers in a wall socket than spend a minute with you.”

Ouch. “Alright now, just uh...” Mulder held up his hands to stop the man. Who did he think he was? “Just back off for a second.”

The man didn’t back off, though. “Spend every Christmas this way? Alone?”

Ha. That was where he was wrong. “I’m not alone.” Mulder raised his chin in confidence.

The old man looked around at the room that was otherwise empty besides the two of them. “More self-delusions.”

“No, I came here with my partner. She’s somewhere in the house.”

“Behind a brick wall?” The man gestured towards the brick wall.

Mulder smiled and nodded.

“How’d you get her to come with you? Steal her car keys?”

His smile turned confused. “No, I asked if she wanted to come.”

“Did you ask her or did you pester her until she gave in?”

The smile dropped from his face. 

“You know why you do it.” The old man shook his head as if disappointed in him. “Listen endlessly to her droning rationalizations. ‘Cause you’re afraid. Afraid of the loneliness. Am I right?”

Was he? It was getting harder and harder to dismiss the man’s analysis. He pushed the thought out of his mind.

After a moment, he finally spoke. “I’d just like to find my partner.”

---

“Oh, you poor child.” The old woman clutched her robe closed around her neck and stepped towards Scully. “You must have an awful small life. Spending your Christmas Eve with him. Running around chasing things you don’t even believe in.”

“Don’t come any closer.” Scully’s gun shook in her hand. Whoever this woman was, she was suspicious. And she certainly didn’t need pity from some old woman who didn’t know her.

The woman ignored her, stepping closer anyway. “I can see it in your face. The fear. The conflicted yearnings. A subconscious desire to find fulfillment through another.” She took another step. “Intimacy through co-dependency.”

“What?” Scully’s panic gave way to incredulity. What the hell was she talking about? Intimacy through what? Conflicted yearnings?

“Maybe you repress the truth about why you’re really here,” the old woman continued. “Pretending it’s out of duty or loyalty. Unable to admit your dirty little secret.”

Scully tensed. Dirty little secret?

“Your only joy in life is proving him wrong.”

---

“Do you realize how seriously disturbed that man is?” The old man asked. “How dark and lonely? What he's capable of?”

Scully simply blinked at him, unsure how to respond. This man was crazy. Mulder wasn’t dark and lonely, despite how much he might think of himself as such. Hell, only a couple of hours ago he was helping her pick out a new pan for her mother in a department store. Mulder may be spooky — and a little out there — but he was far from disturbed.

Someone pounded at the door. “Scully?”

“Mulder!” She started towards the door.

“Did he happen to mention a story about a lovers’ pact?” The man asked.

Scully froze. Mulder had told her the story. But surely he hadn’t brought her here for reasons like that. This was just some...eccentric Christmas Eve X-Files date, or something. 

Right?

“The man is acting out an unconscious yearning,” the old man continued. “The deep-seated terror of being alone.”

“Scully!” Mulder’s voice sounded from the other side of the door again. “Scully, are you there?”

“I’m here, Mulder!” She called out, keeping her gun trained on the old man.

“Open the door, Scully!”

“Open the door,” she commanded.

The old man reluctantly obliged. Mulder entered, gun at the ready. “Where’s Scully?”

“Mulder?” She couldn’t help the flood of relief at seeing him.

But then he turned and fired his gun at her.

Scully flinched as the bullet missed her by a mile. Shaking with panic, she aimed her gun at him despite the fact that she knew she wouldn’t shoot him. “Mulder, what are you doing?”

He fired again, missing her. He wasn’t normally this bad a shot, but she was freaking out too much to really register that.

“Mulder!”

“There’s no getting out of here, Scully.” He had a deranged look in his eyes. “There’s no way home.” He shot again, hitting the wall behind her.

“Mulder, come on,” She moved sideways across the room to make herself a more difficult target. He stepped towards her. “Mulder, you’re scaring me. Put the gun down!”

“You gonna shoot me?!” He shouted.

“I’m not gonna shoot you! I don’t wanna shoot you!” She shouted back, trembling. Did he really think she would shoot him? What the hell was wrong with him?

“It’s me or you,” he ranted maniacally. “You or me. One of us has to do it.”

“Neither of us has to do it,” she countered. “Just- Just put the gun down!” 

He ignored her, instead focusing his aim.

“Wait!” She tried to calm her breathing. “Look,” Scully took her finger off the trigger and put her hands up in surrender, gun pointed away from him. When she spoke again, it was with a calmer voice. “Please, Mulder. I’m not gonna shoot you. I’m putting my gun down, see?” She started to lower her weapon. “This isn’t you, Mulder. Please, you have to trust me. You have to snap out of...whatever this is.”

A confused look flashed across Mulder’s face and he lowered his weapon a bit, glancing over at the old man.

“Mulder.” She holstered her gun and took a step towards him. He watched her warily, looking almost like a caged animal. Another couple of steps and she was able to put her hand on his wrist, lowering it even more. She searched his face for any sign that he was coming to his senses.

Mulder glanced down at where her hand lingered on his wrist and she pulled it away self-consciously. He looked back up at her. “Scully…do you love me?”

She blinked in surprise. “What?”

“I love you,” he said, moving closer to her.

Scully backed away. “Mulder, what are you doing?” This wasn't like him. She couldn’t help glancing at the old man again, who looked particularly interested in what was going on.

Mulder’s hand on her shoulder brought her attention back to him. He leaned down.

“Mulder-”

She was interrupted by the feeling of his gun pressed into her stomach.

“Merry Christmas, Scully.”

CRACK

---

Mulder stumbled down the stairs, unsure how he was able to move when he was in so much pain. At the bottom, he noticed a trail of blood in the foyer. He collapsed onto the floor and started crawling pathetically, following the trail. Around the corner, he spotted Scully crawling towards the front door in a similar fashion.

“Scully?” His voice was strained.

She flinched, then slowly, painfully rolled over and pointed her gun at him. Was she really going to shoot him again? He grunted and managed to pull out his own gun despite the fact he knew he could never shoot her.

They stayed in their stalemate for a few moments before Scully lowered her weapon with a groan and fell back on the floor. “Ah...I’m not gonna make it,” she said.

“You should have thought of this.”

“You should have,” she countered.

“You shot me first!”

“I never shot you, you shot me!”

Mulder blinked. He never shot her. Why did she think he shot her? And she was claiming she’d never shot him.

It hit him. Lyda and Maurice. It was another trick. Of course it was.

As if undoing some spell, Mulder realized he wasn’t actually bleeding. He wasn’t actually shot, he wasn’t in any pain. It wasn't real.

“Scully,” He rolled over and stood up, feeling considerably light. He grinned. “Get up.”

She scoffed, obviously thinking he was crazy. “I can’t.”

“Get up.” He moved towards her and showed her how he was fine. “You’re not shot.”

She looked up at him with disbelief. “What?”

“Come on, it’s a trick. It’s all in your head.” He reached down and helped her up. Once standing, she started patting at her abdomen in search of the bullet wound. She looked up at him in alarm, and they both glanced back towards the inside of the house as their hands sought each other and they took off through the front door. They escaped from the haunted house hand in hand, only pulling apart to get in his car and drive away in a panic.

“Maybe it was a hallucination,” Scully said, her brain whirring at high speeds to search for an explanation. “Some sort of chemical could have been in that fog.”

“What kind of hallucinogen wears off once you realize it’s not real?” He countered.

She opened her mouth to argue, then closed it when she couldn’t think of one. “Then it was, uh... It was all in our heads, I don’t know! But whatever happened in there, you owe me for it.”

“Owe you? You shot me!” He joked. 

“No I didn’t, and besides, you shot me first!”

“I never shot you.”

“Well, you dragged me out here in the first place.”

“Well, I-” He stopped and glanced over at her. “Would you believe it was supposed to be romantic?”

She chuckled, feeling a bit giddy from the adrenaline. “From you? I’d believe it.” 

He smiled to himself.

She sighed and leaned back in her seat, feeling her heart rate ease up a bit. “Only you would see a haunted house with stories about multiple couples killing themselves in it and think of it as a romantic destination.”

He chuckled. “Are you saying you didn’t find it romantic?”

“Mulder, you shot me.”

“I told you, that wasn’t me!” He grinned.

“Well, I still thought it was at the time. And I wouldn't call it a pleasant experience.”

“I would never shoot you, Scully.”

“How romantic.”

“Of course, I know you can’t say the same since you’ve shot me before.”

“You were about to kill a man!” She argued. “I shot you to protect you.”

“Yeah, and then you dragged me out to New Mexico and I got blown up.”

“You lived, didn’t you?”

He laughed. Whatever had happened in there, they were alive. And her mind certainly seemed to be occupied with something other than last year's Christmas. Maybe a near-death experience wasn't the best replacement, but at least it was something.

Scully checked the time. “God, it’s already past midnight.” She sighed and let her head fall back against the seat again.

“It is?” He glanced over at her and saw that her eyes were closed. 

She nodded tiredly.

“Well...Merry Christmas.”

Her eyes snapped open in realization and she looked over at him with a small smile. “Merry Christmas, Mulder.”

---

They made it back to her apartment in one piece and were up for another hour wrapping presents. When they were done, they trudged to bed, falling asleep almost immediately. When her alarm went off too soon, they both groaned, having only gotten a few hours' sleep. Somehow, though, they managed to get up and make it to her mother's.

Christmas with the Scullys was more fun than Mulder had imagined it would be. He found himself wishing that he’d taken Mrs. Scully up on her invitation years ago.

The 6am roll call was only for immediate family, apparently. With Melissa gone and Charles off closing deals in Europe, this meant that it was just Scully, her mother, Bill Jr., and his wife and kid. And Mulder.

“Fox!” Mrs. Scully pulled him in for a warm hug as she answered the door. “So glad you could come.”

“Sorry, which one of us is your kid?” Scully poked her head out from behind him.

“Oh, Dana,” Her mother jokingly chastised her before also pulling her in for a hug. “He was just the first one to walk in, is all.”

“Mhm.”

“Come in, come in,” Mrs. Scully quickly took the bags of presents from the couple without giving them an opportunity to object. She led them into the living room, where Bill and Tara were already sitting on the couch. Bill shook Mulder’s hand with a stiff smile and Scully wondered if her mother had lectured him about being nice before they'd arrived.

Without much preamble and small-talk, they opened presents. Scully had gotten Mulder Resident Evil 2 (“Langly told me you liked the first one” "You'd like it too, Scully. It's horror") and he’d gotten her the bottle of perfume that she’d always sampled whenever they were out shopping at the mall for presents.

“Perfume?” Bill asked, sounding unimpressed.

“I love it.” She gave her brother a pointed look before smiling gratefully at Mulder. She’d half-expected him to get her something obscure like that keychain from a few years back. “I wanted this one.”

Bill didn’t make any more comments after that.

At eight, the cousins and family friends started pouring in. Mulder was flabbergasted. He knew Scully’s family was Irish Catholic, but he’d never fully registered how that would apply to her extended family as well. He supposed he should have, considering how many presents he’d helped her buy for cousins. It was hectic and impossible to keep up with names, so he avoided using them. He stuck to Scully’s side like a burr, letting her navigate them through the party.

“I’m sorry, what did you say your name was?” A man asked.

“Fox Mulder.”

“Fox? That’s an interesting name. And how do you two know each other?”

“Oh, we’re p- We work together,” He said, not wanting to cause any confusion.

“Ohh,” The man nodded. “At the...CIA?”

“FBI,” Scully corrected, evidently not very close to this particular cousin. Was he even a cousin? Mulder had no idea who was related to her and who wasn’t.

A woman — another cousin? — who had overheard their conversation leaned in to join them. “And are you two...together?” She asked curiously.

Scully’s cheeks turned ever-so-slightly pink. “No.”

“No, we’re just good friends.” Mulder took over, slinging a friendly arm around her shoulders. “I mean, after being partners for over five years, you either hate each other or you’re best friends, am I right?”

The other two both laughed and Scully gave a little chuckle too, looking more relaxed. They continued their conversation, but Mulder didn’t remove his arm from her shoulders. After a while, Scully realized that she had been leaning comfortably into Mulder’s side for who knows how long and quickly straightened up, slipping out of his grasp and excusing herself to go to the kitchen and get some eggnog. She ducked her head in hopes of hiding how red her face must be.

Alone in the kitchen, she braced herself on the counter and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. It was stupid of her to panic like this, but she couldn’t help it. This was their first time out somewhere like this after getting together, but they couldn’t even act like a couple. It was too easy to relax with Mulder, and it was too fun being at a party with him. She was being too obvious and people were going to figure out they were together.

But on the other hand, it would be nice if they could actually act like a couple at this party. Would it really be the worst thing in the world if people knew? Keeping it a secret at work made sense, but it felt different at her mother's house in front of friends and family.

“Dana?” Her mother’s voice shook her from her thoughts. She was standing in the doorway with a concerned look on her face. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, Mom, I’m fine,” She said, quickly straightening up and grabbing a cup.

“Sorry,” her mother said. “I just...noticed you left that conversation with Michael and Hannah pretty quickly. I was worried they said something to upset you.”

“Nope,” Scully smiled — a bit too widely. “Just getting some eggnog." She grabbed a second cup.

“For you and Fox?”

Scully stiffened ever so slightly. Was her mother implying something? Or was she just being paranoid? “Yeah, he wanted some too.” She tried to sound casual.

Her mother seemed like she wanted to say something but apparently dropped it, instead moving over to give her daughter a comforting pat on the shoulders. “Okay, honey.” She smiled. “I’ll see you back out there, okay?”

Scully nodded, not meeting her mother’s gaze. After she was gone, Scully leaned on the counter again. Was her mother suspicious of them? Was anyone else? Why was this so stressful? All she wanted to do was relax, to be casual and have fun with him in this setting, but she didn’t know how to do that.

After another bracing breath, Scully picked up both cups and headed out of the kitchen. She almost ran into Mulder in the doorway.

“Oh!” She yanked the cups back with a grimace until she realized they hadn’t spilled, then let out a sigh of relief.

Mulder, who had also pulled back to avoid an accident, leaned forward a bit. “Sorry, Scully. I was just checking on you. You left pretty suddenly.”

She nodded. “I’m okay, I just-”

“Mistletoe!” Someone shouted, interrupting her. Nearly everyone’s attention turned to them. Scully’s eyes widened and her face burned as her gaze slowly rose up. Sure enough, there was some mistletoe hanging above them in the doorway. Shit.

“You guys gotta kiss!” Someone else shouted in a heavy Boston accent.

“N-No,” They both started protesting, then Scully’s mother appeared out of nowhere and whisked away the two cups Scully had been holding.

“Mom!”

“Sorry, Dana, rules are rules.” Her mother gave a fake sympathetic smile.

“She’s not sorry at all,” Scully muttered, half-believing that her mother had planned this somehow. Various people were shouting for them to kiss now.

“I don’t think we’re gonna get out of this, Scully,” Mulder said out of the side of his mouth.

She heaved a sigh, her hands on her hips, then gave him a quick nod of assent. Needing no more permission, he stooped down and pressed his lips to hers in a chaste kiss. More chaste than most of theirs had been since the very first. It was still nice, though, and Scully had to dig her fingers into her own hips to prevent herself from reaching out to him instinctively. She had a feeling he was having the same struggle.

They broke apart to the sounds of whoops and cheers, their eyes lingering on each others’ for just a moment before they turned back to face the party, their facades back in place.

Everyone quickly went back to whatever they had been doing before the interruption (Bill took the time to stare daggers at Mulder for a few more moments) and Scully’s mother handed them back their drinks. Scully couldn’t down her eggnog fast enough, grateful for the alcohol in it.

---

Maggie Scully studied her daughter and Fox throughout the day, only half-listening to conversations with family and friends. She noticed subtle differences from how she’d seen them act before. Dana would grab Fox’s arm to lead him to the next conversation, but her hand would linger longer than it needed to, her thumb even lightly rubbing his arm. He would bend down to whisper in her ear a lot, his mouth closer than it needed to be, and Dana always smiled at whatever he said. And above everything else, they stuck extraordinarily close to each other the whole time. Even if Fox looked like he was fully engaged in a conversation with someone, he would quickly follow Dana if she moved away.

Maggie smiled to herself and let out a little hum, certain that something was going on between those two. For now, she was satisfied with that much knowledge. She’d give Dana as long as she needed to tell her about it.

At one point, Matthew came charging into the room with the unstoppable momentum of a toddler who had recently figured out walking. Scully caught him easily, using his momentum to swing him up in the air before landing him squarely on her hip. “Where do you think you’re going?” She teased her nephew with a grin.

Matthew just laughed and clapped his hands in the way babies do.

“Are you trying to find your mama?” Scully asked, turning to look around the room. When she couldn’t find Bill or Tara, she turned to Mulder with a questioning look. He also did a sweep of the room — hoping his height would give him more insight — and then shrugged.

“Well,” Scully carried Matthew over to the couch and sat down, holding him on her lap. “We’re just gonna have to wait right here for them.”

Mulder sat down next to her and watched as she entertained the baby with faces and little games. She was like a completely different person around kids, and he couldn’t help smiling fondly as he watched her.

It also broke his heart, though. Knowing what had been done to her. What had been taken from her. He knew he had to tell her about the vial of her ova, and soon. He’d put it off too long already and she deserved to know.

But not today. He wasn’t going to let her have two ruined Christmases in a row.

After a while, he realized one of Matthew’s toys was on the coffee table in front of him. He grabbed it, offering it up to the boy and then pulling away, which made the baby squeal in entertainment. Mulder played this game with him for a while, not noticing the smile of adoration that Scully was giving him.

Across the room, Maggie looked on at the sight of the two of them with the baby and couldn’t help thinking how much it suited them.

---

After Bill and Tara returned (they had stepped out to get more ice) and Matthew was handed off, Mulder and Scully returned to mingling. She drank more eggnog than he thought her small frame would allow, and by the end of the day she was leaning against him and hugging his arm without a care in the world for who saw, smiling and blinking slowly at whatever a family friend was saying.

Dinner was a buffet-style potluck, and the food in her stomach seemed to sober her up some, but she was still visibly tipsy if not drunk. Afterwards, Mulder kept his arm around her — more to keep her upright than anything else.

“FBI, huh?” Someone asked. “Do you guys get any interesting cases?”

Scully gave an exaggerated frown. “Well, last night we went ghostbusting.” Her chin ducked down and then back up. “But that wasn’t an official case.”

“Ghostbusting?”

“Well, they weren’t really ghosts of course,” She said emphatically, and Mulder couldn’t help smiling at how insistent she was, even in an inebriated state. “Mulder probably thinks they were.” She tapped her head against his chest. “But I know” — she pointed at herself — “that it was just...a hallucination or something. Brought on by the...the creepy atmosphere and our heightened senses of-of panic.”

“...Oh.” The man looked visibly confused by what she was saying. “So...what exactly were you guys doing ghostbusting on Christmas Eve?”

---

After the party was over, Mulder guided a still-tipsy Scully to the car, helping her buckle in before getting in the driver’s side, then waved a final goodbye to her mother.

As he started the car and drove off, Scully smiled lazily at him, her head resting against the seat. “Thanks for today, Mulder. I had a lot more fun than I usually do.”

“I like your family,” He said. “Most of them. I never really, uh...got the whole family thing. Especially not after Samantha disappeared.”

She pouted. “I’m sorry.”

He chuckled. “It’s okay. Today was fun to experience. Even if it was a one-time-only thing.”

“What makes you think it’ll be one-time only?” She asked. “My mom’s definitely gonna invite you again next year.”

Mulder smiled at the thought. He hadn’t considered next year. Or the year after. He let himself indulge for a moment, imagining a future where he and Scully were happy. Staying together, attending her mother’s Christmas parties every year. Their situation was still hard for him to believe; he kept waking up expecting to find that it had been a dream, or that she’d changed her mind, only to see her sleeping soundly, pressed close to him. Or already awake and watching him with an adoring look that she only used when she thought he couldn't see.

“I really- I really do love you, Mulder,” Scully spoke up after a while, as if reading his thoughts and knowing his insecurities.

He laughed. “You’re drunk.”

“No,” She lifted her head off the seat and glared at him comically. “I’m not drunk, I’m just enjoying myself. And you’re the best…” She waved her hand dismissively a few times. “Partner, boyfriend, whatever.”

He grimaced. “I think I like partner better than boyfriend.” He wasn't too fond of partner, either. It fit them in a professional sense, but not outside of that.

“Mmm, but partner doesn’t feel right either,” She seemed to voice his thoughts as she pouted again, leaning back against the headrest.

“Then what does?”

She was silent for a few moments, then shrugged. “I dunno. You’re just...Mulder.”

He nodded, knowing what she meant. Of all the ways to describe their relationship, of all the words to label what they were to each other, his brain often just kept coming back to Scully. That was what she was to him.

“‘Mulder’ isn’t exactly a label you can use to introduce me to people, though,” he joked.

“Mm.” She hummed in acknowledgment and was silent for a moment. Then she sat forward a bit, eyes wide in realization. “Mulder, was I clinging to you a lot tonight?”

He hesitated, which was enough of an answer for her.

“Ohh,” she put her head in her hands. “D’ya think anyone noticed?”

A lot of people definitely noticed, but he didn't want to tell her that. “Well…I think your mom is suspicious.”

“Well, she's been suspicious since she first met you.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded, her face still hidden.

“Bill might've figured it out, too,” he added.

“Bill?!” She looked up at him, then flopped back in her seat. “Nuh-uh. If Bill knew, you wouldn't be alive.”

---

As soon as they got into her apartment, Scully threw her arms around him and planted a kiss on his lips. She’d managed to sober up a bit more during the drive home and had gone from quite tipsy to just tipsy. Mulder pulled away, his hands planted squarely on her shoulders. She pouted, looking sad that he’d pulled away. God, he wished she wouldn't do that. It made it harder to stay away.

“What do you want? You want some water?” He asked, turning his head towards the kitchen.

“Noo.” She toyed with the buttons on his shirt and looked up at him through her lashes. Her intent was very clear.

His breath hitched and he had to clear his throat. He took her hand and pulled it away from his shirt. “I think you need some water and some sleep.”

“Mulderrrr.” She tried to move closer to him, but his hand on her shoulder kept her at arm’s length. She pouted again. Jesus.

“I don’t take advantage of drunk women,” he said.

“I’m not drunk anymore, Mulder, I told you.” She stood up straight as if that proved it. “And I’m not some random girl you found in a bar, we’re already sleeping together.”

“Scully-”

“Mulder, I'm not drunk. I’m just a little tipsy. I’m still aware of my actions and what I’m saying. And I'm very horny.”

Warmth pooled in his stomach at the way she said that, and he was distracted enough that she managed to slip out of his grip and pull him down for a deep kiss, pushing him backwards towards the bedroom and shedding various items of both their clothes on the way there.

It was a very merry Christmas.

---

Weeks later, Mulder drove them both back from Roanoke after finishing the demon baby case. Scully sat in the passenger seat, flipping through the case file and her notes and muttering how it didn’t make sense. She'd already lectured him multiple times on how a woman who's recently given birth couldn't possibly have moved around as much or done as much as Betsy supposedly had, to which he’d just shrugged and said that Betsy wasn’t human. Which, of course, wasn’t an acceptable answer for her.

“Hey, Scully?” He asked, his heartbeat quickening with nerves. 

“Hm?” She licked her lips as she continued looking through the file, not really paying attention to him.

“Remember, uh, last December? When I said why your- How the men who abducted you- Um…” He cursed himself for not practicing this.

She looked up from the file, giving him her full attention now. “How they extracted my ova,” she said bluntly. “Yeah.”

“I, uh…” He sighed. “Scully, there’s something I didn’t tell you.” He glanced over at her, then returned his attention to the road. “The men who were in charge of the lab...one of them let me take a vial of yours.”

“What?” Scully’s voice was quiet with disbelief. “You have them? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, I...I took them directly to a specialist who would tell me if they were okay,” He explained, suddenly wishing he hadn’t started this conversation while driving. This wasn't a car conversation.

“I don’t believe this.”

“Scully, you were...you were deathly ill. And I couldn’t bear to give you another piece of bad news.” He looked over at her and saw the pain and fear in her eyes.

“Is that what it was? Bad news?”

His lips pressed together grimly. “They… They said the ova weren't viable.”

She only stared at him, either too stunned or too upset to say anything.

“I-I know I should have told you sooner, Scully,” He said, wanting to apologize, to explain. “I just- You were dying, and then you were in remission and I didn’t want to risk your recovery. And then…” He sighed. “It was just never a good time. It still isn’t.”

“There’s not really a perfect time for this sort of news, Mulder,” she said bitterly.

“I know.” He glanced over at her so she could see his regret. “I’m really sorry, Scully.”

She nodded, looking more downtrodden by the news than mad at him. She put her face in her hands, hiding her emotions even from him, and stayed like that for a few minutes. He didn’t bother her, not wanting to invade her privacy. This really wasn't a car conversation.

After a while, she lifted her head. He could see the gears turning in her mind. She let out a slow, calculated sigh and he knew what she was going to say before she said it. Scully was ever the scientist.

“I want a second opinion.”

He nodded silently, eyes on the road. He didn’t tell her that he did get a second opinion. And a third. And a fourth. After she’d gone into remission, he was desperate to give her more good news. But after consulting nearly every specialist in the city, he gave up. But he knew Scully wanted to find the answers herself, and he wasn’t going to get in the way of that.

Next Chapter ->

#kai.fic #xf fic #msr fic #timing fic #i'm posting this at 2am bc i was determined to post it on or before christmas dsjgkads

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

i read the first tales of the city last week after picking it up at an out of the closet (usamerican gay thrift shop chain) (i refrained from picking up any pulp sff bc i know i usually don’t get around to reading it, and any books with hairy shirtless men on the cover bc i was embarrassed, but like. the gay cashier isn’t going to judge me so if there’s anything left next time i go in... anyway) do you think i should read more of the series before gawking at the show

Great question ^_^

There's a couple of different answers to this:

1) In terms of continuity/canon, the Netflix TV series is set in the present day as a sequel to the book series. But it's a free adaptation, and diverges from the canon whenever it feels best to them.

It doesn't matter that much if you haven't read the series; the concept is, as in the books, ensemble cast of intertwined tales of queer chosen family in San Francisco - and that's the sort of thing you can pick up at any stage. And I'm not convinced that the new series meaningfully constitutes  "spoilers" either, because it's so clearly a parallel canon rather than a replacement or continuation.

THAT SAID. A bit like Picard, it leans heavily on sentimental nostalgia; I'm not sure why you would care enough about the indulgent, semi-deification of the characters if you weren't already invested in them.

2) There's also an older TOTC adaptation, with the same cast, which I haven't seen - but would still like to.

3) In terms of pleasure: I just counted on my shelf, and I own all nine TOTC books plus one of his others. I think the book series is fantastic. In contrast, I watched three episodes of the show and haven't bothered to finish it.

The books are a series where you'll either read one of them, or all nine. The first book is an essential part of our literary history and culture; but if you buy what he's selling, it's pretty irresistable.  

TOTC books are an interesting historical document - especially the first few which have a slice-of-life wit and a parodic eye. "The City" is Maupin's great love affair, so it's a document of that moment and that place - as well as notable for its groundbreaking representations of LGBT characters.

Beyond that, it's a string of sausages story and you stick with it because you love the characters. Maupin isn't immune to a very silly plot twist, but his observational character writing is always excellent; he seems to struggle with finding the narrative on which to hang his character work. Expect a soap opera twist at the point 75% through the novel when he thinks just having characters talk to one another isn't enough and something ought to Happen. But you know what? It is enough. I wish he had had the courage in his observational work to let it stand on its own.

I also think he has one of the most interesting treatments of AIDS in literature. His books are semi-autobiographical, written contemperaneously, and it's telling to me the way he chooses to almost step around it - for example, killing main characters in the time between books, so as not to tell the story of their illness on the page. In both TOTC and the Night Listener, he explores HIV through the experiences of straight characters. You get a real sense of him needing to approach this topic from the side, rather than head on. That's important to me, in and of itself, as a document of that part of our history.

4) I think the best run is books 5-7: Significant Others/Sure of You/Michael Tolliver Lives, with the last of those being the one I've read to death.

I didn't get on with book 8 (Mary Ann in Autumn), but it has a nice subplot about young gay trans man Jake connecting with this Mormon youth pastor missionary who may-or-may-not-be-gay. Book 9 (the Days of Anna Madrigal) was a travesty, absolutely terrible. The more you learn about Maupin's life, the more you realise the books are literally just things that happened to him - including having disappointing sex with a closeted film star. The reality of Book 9 is that Maupin is an married man living a quiet life, and not much is happening any more.

So if you're reading, you can stop after book 7.

5) One of the most important things about the series is how connected Maupin is to the world he's writing about. Filled with knowing references that his gay readers of 1974 would have understood, to people and places and bars and events and things you see on the street there.

The Netflix has attempted to replicate this by updating it for modern queer culture and modern SF. I don't think the writers are part of that world, it doesn't read as "real" to me.

For one thing, adjusting Jake from a young gay trans man who hooks up with the poly, married, older cis male protagonist - courageously, but with confidence - to one of the "young people" characters, having relationships with other young people newly created for the series. There's a subtle othering going on here, suggesting Jake's life is a "young person's thing". But in one stroke, they've erased the age gap, the open marriage, the long history of gay trans San Franciscans as an equal part of a historic community...trans lives are not validated by cis people's acceptance or by sex, but when you're adapting the longest-running openly gay character in literature, the character who comes to embody the life of a gay man over the course of 3 decades of books, and you choose to write the trans characters out of his bedroom, and into this nebulously modern queer space instead, you are Making A Choice.

I had horrible experiences in queer spaces, so the rosy-tint everything has doesn't read as real to me; and where are all those trans young artists living in San Francisco anyway? Yeah, Anna and Edgar are running an Instagram account, but the tale of the city is not the tech revolution, but the people crushed underneath it.

You know, what happens in the book series at the moment we move into the present day is that Mrs Madrigal has to sell her house - that iconic house,  the house on which everything centers - because she's an older woman in a rapidly gentrifying city that's shifting underneath them, and she needs the money.

But in the show, there she is, at Barbary Lane, luminous and surrounded by loved ones; it's giving us what we "want", part of the Maupin brand. But Barbary Lane is not the house, but the way the people within it create home for one another there. I think what it misses is that these are tales of the city, and like any lover, you adore it even when your heart is breaking - you have to be honest about that which you love, in all its imperfections; Michael Tolliver Lives explores that a little in 2016, what it means for the city to be gentrifying, but a series made in 2019 shies away from it?

To me, this sort of exemplifies the queerwash cowardice of the series. It's something hollow draped in a rainbow flag. Maupin was never cruel to his characters - but he never lied about them either. The series is safe, unwilling to criticise, unwilling to take risks, unwilling to look at the modern city or modern queer life with a clear and honest eye, it's like eating a wad of colourful cardboard.

[nezumiismissing]

No.1-5: Utopia, Idealism, and the Holy City

Ok I’m back! I just started an Urban Studies-type degree at my new university, so you know I've been thinking about No.6, and as much as I would like to talk about meritocracy and the existence of economic inequalities in a state-run economy, I do still need to prioritize actual homework before writing about that stuff here. So instead I’m going to yell about No.1-5 for a (admittedly very long) minute. 

Other than the ending, one of the most significant differences between the anime and the novels is the fact that in the anime, we actually get an opportunity to see one of the other cities, and how different it is from No.6. There’s clearly a purpose in showing us this, mostly in demonstrating that the way things are in No.6 is not the way that the rest of the world has chosen to rebuild itself, and therefore solidifying the city’s position as distinctly not utopian. But given what we know about No.6 and it’s relations to the other cities, it seems somewhat unlikely that that interpretation of the situation is entirely accurate. That isn’t to say that the other cities are just as bad as No.6, but I don’t think the anime paints an entirely accurate picture either. 

What originally made me think about this in the first place is that fact that Safu was allowed to leave No.6 to go on exchange, because when you think about the logistics of that, it’s weird, right? This highly authoritarian city that hides basically everything from its citizens to the point that people who go against them or find things out about it are arrested and killed, is also apparently totally comfortable sending a young person to a completely different place where they may see that the world doesn’t have to function in that way. Now of course there are explanations for this decision if they believe that they have sufficiently brainwashed Safu into supporting the city, or assume that she doesn’t know anything about what happens there (which seems unlikely given her relationship to Shion). And No.6 seems entirely susceptible to those types of oversights, considering the entire situation that is Nezumi, but couldn’t it also be possible that the reason they are comfortable sending her on exchange is because they know that the other cities function in a similar way to them?

This is entirely speculation, but given the situation that led to the creation of the cities, and the fact that they are technically considered part of a single global nation, it doesn’t seem like too much of a stretch to think that there is (or at some point was) some kind of enforcement group that exists independently of the individual cities to make sure everyone is obeying the Babylon Treaty and working towards a genuinely ideal society. At the very least, we know that every city remains in regular contact with the others, and so some amount of shared knowledge of the cities exists somewhere, likely only among the most elite members of each government. The issues with and dystopian aspects of No.6 are obvious enough that anyone who came to visit or even had a general idea of the structure of the city would immediately realize that something was wrong, and I would hope that something would be done about it, but there is no evidence that something like that is happening, so we are left with only a few options:

For some reason the other cities genuinely do not know that anything is wrong with No.6 (unlikely considering that students are able to travel between the cities under certain circumstances)

The other cities are aware of at least some of the issues, but are unable or unwilling to take any action out of a desire to preserve their own utopian ideals or fear of No.6′s power

The other cities function similarly to No.6, and have each created their own authoritarian city-state, either as a way to “force” the creation of a utopian society, or out of a failure to create such a society (whether or not the other cities are aware of the others’ structure could probably go either way)

Option 2 presents some very interesting and plausible possibilities as to the nature of the other cities and the position they exist in in relation to No.6, but it still does not fully explain why Safu or any other students are allowed to leave No.6, and if the other cities are in fact utopian, or at least not dystopian, then there also has to be an explanation for how Yoming gets away with his embezzlement/money laundering scheme in Beyond.

Option 3, on the other hand, can more sufficiently (though not perfectly) explain both of these occurrences. In Safu’s case, if the other cities were similarly authoritarian or otherwise corrupt, then there is no danger of exposure to “dangerous” ideas by sending a student there, and it could instead even act as a show of approval and trust towards the other cities. Yoming’s case is a complicated one, but I believe he would be much more likely to be successful in his crime if the other cities had also been corrupted, and especially so if No.4′s government were willing to assist him or even give him something in return, such as power within their government or a political position that would involve both cities. The corruption of the other cities also ties well into the theme of the nonexistence of true utopias, which is fairly prevalent throughout the story, and serves to contexualize exactly how it was possible for No.6 to develop as it did with little to no intervention or questioning by the other cities or nongovernmental organizations. This option is also much more grounded in reality than the others, as societies throughout history that have claimed to desire some type of utopia or “ideal” society have turned to authoritarianism, violence, and isolationism, among other things, in order to control the population and give the illusion of comfort. Depending on your political ideology, you could even argue that these tactics are used by all societies and governments, or that they are a “necessary evil” to create the most positive outcome.

Real politics aside (as much as they can be, at least), within the context of the society created by the Babylon Treaty, and what we know of the cities themselves, it is highly unlikely that the reality of No.6 was entirely unknown. And due to the isolationist policies enacted by No.6, as well as the assumed distance between the cities, the risk of another conflict was low enough that their actions, to the extent that they were understood, were seen as acceptable despite going directly against the treaty. Does this mean that the other cities supported No.6′s actions, or were just as bad as No.6? Not necessarily. We are told repeatedly throughout the story that No.6 was far better off in terms of resources/geography than the other cities, which creates much more room for the exploitation of those resources, and its status as the “Holy City” actually puts it in the position of being a role model to the other cites, who because of their weaker resources may be in an earlier stage of development, and therefore still hold on to their utopian ideals. If this is the case, then it is likely that even if some of their actions, such as isolation and strict social hierarchies, were seen as acceptable by the other cities, the more brutal aspects of No.6 would still be seen as unnecessary and overstepping.

Ultimately we can’t ever really know what the other cities looked like, or why they allowed No.6 to exist as it did, but because of No.6′s failure to either create utopia or completely dominate its land and people, 1-5 are now forced to self-reflect and make a decision about their own ideals, and how they may have shifted away from the original intent of the treaty. And if they have been corrupted along with No.6, then they must return to one of the fundamental questions that drives the series: Is it possible to create a utopia, or is it only an ideal that can never truly be reached?

#no.6 #no. 6 #no.6 analysis #long post #may or may not have written all of this in a burst of sudden inspiration yesterday #there's definitely more here to explore #so take this as an introduction to the topic i suppose #might also change the title of this later if i think of something better #original

[soveryanon]

Aaand reviewing time for MAG142.

- I have no idea whether it was a conscious decision or a recording accident, but Jonny’s voice, when reading the episode title… was different – less filtered, closer, with more “grain”? And it was telling you, right away, that something would be off and different.

- VA E. Lockley was… incredible and yeah, the woman’s delivery (the distress, the stuttering, the messiness, the slightly rambly bits)… made her feel even more present and “close” than Helen (in MAG047) for me. Character-with-her-own-situation, who got messed up, who is in distress, who is not fine and is trying not to crumble. There were even a few parallel with her experience (after the Buried encounter) and Jon’s, post-Prentiss, that made her even more heartbreaking: like him, she did physio (MAG050, Tim: “Well, there was a police woman asking after you. You know, the one who came to look into Gertrude. […] Uh… yesterday. You were at physical therapy.”); unlike him, she went to therapy (MAG058, Martin: “Look, look, you just got to let me work through this. Alright? I suggested therapy, but he just says no, so–”) and… like she said, “did everything [she] was supposed to do”:

(MAG142) WOMAN: I had pretty bad, uh, nightmares, claustrophobia, I mean… Obviously, right? But, uh, but–but I did my physio, and, you know, talked wi–with the counsellor they gave me? Look, I did everything I was supposed to, and–and yeah, I… I guess I was fine.

… and everything got utterly ruined because of what Jon did to her, while she doesn’t even have enough knowledge to blame him. But we… we know. It was very important to hear her voice indeed? And Martin handled her with proper care – not doubting for one instant that she was telling the truth, leaving her space to tell her story, validating her, even though the story wasn’t what he wanted to hear… or what we wanted to hear, either. (And because of the content of the story: no, there is no way she could have been written as lying or putting things out of proportions – she even pointed out how the police would treat her, it would be absolutely insensitive to write someone filing a harassment complaint as lying or misinterpreting things. So, everything she told really happened to her in the TMA-verse, even though it’s not a pleasant truth.)

- … yeah, so we have Jon going after “stories”: they’re not “statements” anymore, he didn’t use his markers (“Statement begins/Statement ends”) with Floyd and the woman didn’t make any mention of them either, nor did he give the date and the person doing the recording – we only had an indication about the date thanks to the (meta) episode case. It’s not about archiving, it’s about… consumption. And he’s not receiving the stories either: he’s extorting them, forcing people, instead of them coming to him (as statement-givers coming to the Institute). It’s even more symbolically significant that Daisy went to talk to Martin right after the woman’s departure since… so far, Daisy had been the only person we knew for sure had been forced to give her statement, back in MAG061, as she pointed out to Basira later:

(MAG061) ARCHIVIST: Whatever you like! Fourteen years, you must have seen a number of paranormal things. DAISY: And you want me to tell you about them? ARCHIVIST: I–I… DAISY: Okay. ARCHIVIST: What? DAISY: Okay! I’ll give you a statement, about how I got my first section 31. You look surprised. ARCHIVIST: I mean, I was largely asking as a formality. Basira didn’t give the impression you were the… sharing sort. DAISY: Maybe you caught me in a good mood. […] ARCHIVIST: Right! Thank you! Are you quite alright? DAISY: No. I never told that story to anyone except my old Sergeant. ARCHIVIST: I’m not sure I, uh… DAISY: I should go.

(MAG091) BASIRA: Just let him go. DAISY: You don’t know what he is. You don’t know what it’s like to have your secrets pulled out like teeth, just because he asked?

It had been… softer and subtler, when he had done that – it was striking that Daisy didn’t want to talk, until Jon began to probe and she began to accept (Jon himself had been surprised by the change); the compulsion had only been confirmed by her harsh departure and the way she recalled the events. Meanwhile, the woman, in MAG142, was absolutely preyed upon, cornered, violated, and her voice actor did a fantastic job? But oh Lord, was it so, so hard to listen to, even without factoring in that it was Jon doing that to her. I think we’d never had something this violent and desperate…?

Meanwhile, from Jon’s portrayal in MAG142 (two weeks ago) and what we saw in MAG141, he seems to be getting more… frantic? He waited for a while before interacting with the woman, but he almost jumped on Floyd, although he had just been told they would still be sailing for two days (so they would be stuck on the same boat for a while). And it does… kind of fit with something we know about Jon:

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: And you can’t just give me all of the statements? ELIAS: Jon, even when you had them all at your disposal, you barely got through one statement a week. Why do you think that is? It takes its toll on you. And I know you’ve had problems with moderation.

… that little problem about “moderation”. (Which was probably tying in with the fact that he used to smoke before the Institute, and has been back to smoking at least by the end of season 2, when he left Leitner to have a cigarette – and he still had cigarettes on him when Daisy went through his stuff in MAG091 and with Gerry in MAG111. Not to mention the whole Web lighter affair, whatever it’s actually doing to him.) It’s also… kinda… relevant… that The Woman in MAG142 described him as being fed through her reopened trauma:

(MAG142) WOMAN: His eyes, like… his eyes, like, we–were… drinking in every fragment of my misery. I can’t… It… [PAUSE] And then it was over. And he looked… he looked at me like he’d just eaten… like, a perfectly cooked steak.

Because Elias had narrated Beholding’s influence on “The Archivist” as creating hunger, precisely:

(MAG120) ELIAS: And at last, the Archivist looks up. At last, he looks into The Eye that sees all, and knows all, and clutches at the secret terrors of your heart. The Ceaseless Watcher of all that is, and all that was; the voracious, infinite hunger that tears at his soul, invoking him to discover, to observe, to experience all and everything and forever.

Fuck you, Beholding.

… and I’ll allow myself One Joke about the whole ordeal, because:

(MAG115) ARCHIVIST: [DEEP SIGH] I suppose in some ways it’s strange I’m not a vegetarian yet, what with everything I know. But… I rather think someone in my position has to take their small pleasures where they can, and if it occasionally delights some grotesque meat-god, well… c’est la vie.

You REALLY should have tried to go vegetarian back then, Jon :/

- … Which makes it a bit curious that he… was described as “tired”, then?

(MAG142) MARTIN: … Ah, uh, alright. Hum… Did he… [SIGH] … Did he look like he hadn’t slept in like– WOMAN: Mm–mm. MARTIN: –a week? WOMAN: Yep, uh… MARTIN: … Right…

Like, obviously, it was… in a dark humour way, hilarious that Martin was able to guess it was Jon with just “someone from your Institute stalking me” and that his way of describing Jon was to point out the lack of sleep – Jon Is A Perpetual Tired Man and this is the man Martin has a crush on. Confirmation that it’s not about physical appearances (Canonically mlm and hot Tim was RIGHT THERE, Martin, and you went for “that”, and we still don’t know why or when it began, but there’s still so much room to shame your tastes.)

But you would think that… if Jon had been going around pulling statements out of (unwilling) people, he would be/look… rested? Well? So: was she the first one? Was Jon trying to avoid his dreams, until he snapped? Is this a matter of “starving” and only going for it when he was too hungry…?

- ;; Jon looked… so one-dimensional in that state? And as Martin said amongst his hypotheses, all “instinct”. Which makes me think about three things, and they’re not happy:

* Mike smelling a prey, actually?

(MAG075, Stephen Walker) “It was as Grant was making his gradual ascent that I saw the man with the scar. He was stood there, just across the street, watching us. […] His pale eyes were entirely focused on Grant making his excruciating way up the ladder. If he noticed me watching him, he gave no sign of it.” (MAG091) MIKE: A… uh, a Paris skyscraper, was it you said? I honestly, I, I can’t say I recall it in detail, but that does… sounds about right. Sometimes it’s hard to keep track.

(DO YOU KEEP TRACK, JON.)

* The whole thing about the Creature Under Alexandria reaching for Sergeant Walter Heller (especially since… Heller might have had a Spooky encounter before meeting it? So was it attracted to that story?) and HUM…

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: So it’s… it’s back to breadcrumbs, and statements, and risking my life talking to things that barely remember how to be human anymore? […] Am I… Elias, am I still human? ELIAS: Jon, what does human even mean? I mean, really? You still bleed, you can still die. And your will is still your own, mostly. That’s more than can be said for a lot of the “real’ humans out there. … You’re worried about ending up like that thing, lurking in the dirt under the streets of Alexandria? Don’t be. Just do what you need to, and you’ll be fine. Understood?

Elias, why are you so full of lies. (Though it’s possible that, indeed, Jon didn’t do “what he needs to”, and that he’s been… doing extra-work/is out of control. But MMMM. MMMMM.)

* *CRIES IN TIM*

(MAG114) TIM: So, why don’t you “Archivist” me, then? Just pull it straight out. ARCHIVIST: Because I don’t want to! I am not your enemy, Tim. TIM: [DISMISSIVELY] Like that matters! These things aren’t human. It’s… instinct. You can’t not. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] I’m still me, Tim. [TIM HUFFS] I’m still… me. TIM: [EXHALES DEEPLY] … You know what? You’re actually right.

LIKE WOW??? RUDE??? TIM STOKER DIDN’T GO OUT WITH A BANG FOR THIS??? (It’s… super-upsetting, to me, that Jon Is Currently what Tim had accused him of being/turning into back at the time ORZ ORZ And if we get Jon back, and/or if he’s confronted about it, I wonder if… the fact that he would be disappointing Tim would be a point to be made.)

- So, turns out that MAG141 indeed wasn’t a first try, and there is the obvious question of… how long Jon has been extorting live-statements here and there, since the fact that we didn’t hear any recording of the woman beforehand means that we haven’t been hearing Everything of Jon’s spook-related activities before MAG141. Possibilities regarding the turning point:

* Since Jon woke up and was released from the hospital (after MAG122).

* Since… after the coffin? Given Elias’s comment in MAG135 (“Consider it a test – things are… coming, things that will need Jon to be far stronger and more willing to use his connection to our patron. His performance during The Unknowing was… disappointing. I needed a way to force him to harness his ability more acutely than he had before. The coffin was a useful tool; Daisy an adequate bait.”), I don’t really feel like it could have been a thing before – I mean, the way Jon behaved in MAG141 and was described in MAG142 screamed “very willing to use his connection to their patron”… And Jon had mentioned a few things after the coffin:

(MAG135) ARCHIVIST: I don’t… like interacting with the rest of the Institute these days. The way they look at me, I– … I don’t know. I don’t know what they’ve heard, what the rumours going around are, but… they have definitely heard something…! [SIGH] And they can’t wait until they don’t have to talk to me anymore. Can’t honestly say I blame them, none of this is easy. Everyone’s just trying to get through as best they can. Living one day at a time. [SIGH] But I can’t afford to be just living one day at a time, I need… a plan. But I don’t even know what I’m trying to achieve… And no one… no one wants to tell me.

(MAG137) ARCHIVIST: Ever since I crawled out of that damn coffin, I feel like I’ve been… adrift. Filling in blanks and diving into History, but only…! [EXASPERATED SIGH] The breadcrumbs I’m finding are… stale. Old. … What the hell is The Watcher’s Crown? […] I feel like I’m on a deadline, like I’m running out of time somehow – and I don’t even know where to go! What to look for, o–or… [EXHALE] Just casting around blindly for more clues to just… drop into my lap. Everyone else is… running towards something, or running away, and I… [SIGH] I don’t know what I’m doing. [PAUSE] [SIGH] I’m just tired. Think I might go lie down for a while. Get a cup of tea. [HUFF]

(Though, I feel like this option is reaching and stretching… a lot: because DUH, the staff would have had a lot of reasons to be wary of Jon or of the Archives in general without even factoring in the possibility of rumours that Jon had been mentally manhandling people (he… was losing it a bit already in season 2? He ran away and got accused of murder for two months before coming back? He spent six months in a coma after a wax museum exploded? Tim was ranting to everyone about being bound to the Archives, and people thought it was mostly depression, but then he died in said explosion?); and DUH, Jon would feel aimless after the coffin, when his return to the Institute had been a succession of settling back in, trying to get updated on the assistants’ current state, saving Melanie from the bullet, almost immediately focusing on the Rescue Daisy mini-arc from episode 128 to 132, leading to her coming back and… then nothing else, no Main Goal anymore, and just time passing.)

The biggest clue that someone could have been happening behind the scene after the coffin is Jon’s intake of statements: there were 10 between MAG122 (February 15th?, Jon waking up) and MAG132 (March 24th, inside of the coffin), including one extracted statement (Breekon’s, MAG128), one tape from Gertrude (with Lucia, MAG130), one live-statement (Jared’s, MAG131) and one recording from Jon (rescuing Daisy, MAG132), so 9 “active” pieces of content in six weeks if you exclude Gertrude’s… and then, only six until the end of May (MAG140), including one recording from Gertrude (MAG137), so five “active” pieces of content in two months if you exclude hers (+ 2 statements read by Martin, if assistants count – they seemed to, back in season 3, since Elias was pushing them to regularly read statements because Jon was “too inconsistent” about it).

* Since after MAG139, because Jon tried to sneak a peek at Peter’s plans and it backfired. It could have the added tragic bits that… Jon had been wary of his Inner Door, told Basira that opening it would mean drowning; and he eventually purposefully tried very hard to Know about something, deliberately… because he was too worried for Martin.

* Since after MAG140 and Basira told him about the plan to Ny-Ålesund.

MAG142 gives more credentials to a change having happened around MAG139/MAG140 on account of the given timeline:

(MAG140) BASIRA: Summer solstice is the 21st of June. So we leave in a fortnight. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … Right. BASIRA: And should arrive about a week before.

(MAG142) WOMAN: Look, life went back to… normal, I… I was fine. Until… [CHOKING] about two weeks ago. MARTIN: And that was when you met J– … Er, one of our employees. WOMAN: … That’s when he showed up.

Which means the succession of events was likely:

MAG139: somewhere at the end of May => MAG140: one day after MAG139 (Jon referred to it as “yesterday”) => events described in MAG142 => Jon&Basira departing => MAG141 (June 11th) => MAG142 (June 12th).

If Jon had been going around taking statements for a long while, I think the woman’s story would have been dated from a few more weeks, or months prior, just to get that point across? Though it’s also possible that, like MAG141, the date is a red herring to keep us into a false sense of (relative) security still: Floyd’s story is mysterious enough that it might contain something that could be used against The Dark, so there is still the possibility that Jon extorted it for that reason… but MAG142 was without hesitation a Buried one, so not actual data, so it has nothing to do with actual information but just about feeding, and we’re slowly running out of rational explanations which could motivate Jon’s sudden harshness (“it’s because it was important information, and just one time, to someone mostly innocent but involved in fishy business with a reccurring character” => “there was no relevant information to the current case, and Jon had done this to people before, and he targeted absolutely innocent people”) so… could be that It All Began just before the trip, or could be that we will discover that it had been going on for longer than that.

- However long Jon has been doing that… I don’t think that the punchline was that he had been utterly lying on tape throughout all of season 4? Honestly, I… wouldn’t find this interesting – I’m too used to twists being that your (unreliable) narrator was actually Evil/Really Bad all along and, precisely, the series had taken a more interesting approach with this in season 1 (with the fact that Jon appeared as pompous and elitist and sceptic and dry… and, okay, was a bit of that, but also scared and trying to hide it), so it would feel a bit of a let-down if that was the case in the end? And we’ve had a few occurrences of Jon not immediately being aware that he was recorded (he hadn’t spotted the tape recorder at first in MAG122 and MAG123, the tape recorder was in Martin’s room in MAG129 when Jon entered), and he acted exactly the same as when he was in control of the recording. When he accidentally compelled Melanie in MAG136, he immediately apologised (which means he knew he had wronged her, which means he still had a spontaneous sense of morals, or at least, of understanding when he was crossing a line and doing something harmful and unwelcome).

One thing that might be true, however: if season 1 showed us one thing, it’s also… that through his recordings, Jon can present the world how he wishes it were. So, if he’s been… extorting and assaulting people for their stories all along, I really don’t think he lied and feigned the empathy for the victims, nor the fact that he was feeling doubts and concern, but more like, that he wished it were as simple as this…? Though it would also come across as a very… unsavoury way to Appeal For His Life – there is a big distinction about sighing about his inhumanity because he’s feeling aimless and unsure of what he’s supposed to do, and doing it while aware that he’d be causing harm here and there.

And the thing with MAG141 and MAG142 is that it’s supposed to feel like a shock; there was no progression(/degression) in Jon’s speeches during the season, no growing apathy towards victims. He kept expressing sadness and uneasiness! Before trying to take a look at Peter’s plan, he had launched into a rant about having “feelings” and “doubts”! It’s not even that he was feeling more and more isolated – since he got Daisy back, they’ve been bonding, Jon confessed to liking her (… and even went to such extremes as listening to The Archers with her). And suddenly, we’re faced with Jon doing… a complete face-heel turn: there is nothing comparable, nothing… progressive between the way he “extracted” Breekon’s statement in MAG128 (partially in defense, because Breekon was on the verge of attacking Basira) and received Jared’s in MAG131 (something that Jared forced on him: Jon had just been told that someone had commanded the attack over the Institute, and Jared went for that form and made it a deal against Jon’s rib), and going… after innocents, as consumption, as food, because statements are a “meal” and he doesn’t care much if that means wrecking people forever. The woman from MAG142 was the most innocent you could ever get: she didn’t know about the Magnus Institute, didn’t want to tell what had happened to her, didn’t even blame Jon for the after-effects and her reopened wounds (“Look. I know that’s not… [CHUCKLE] That is my brain. I’m not blaming him for, for being in my dreams. You know, I guess I can’t! [SNIFF] That’s absurd, right? It’s not… [PAUSE] But I feel like I’m seeing him when I’m awake, as well?” … although we know that it was directly his fault). She didn’t even express contempt or disrespect at Martin; she was calm, her story didn’t involve any shady business. She had her initial trauma and, as she said, she worked and fought by herself to get well (“But, uh, but–but I did my physio, and, you know, talked wi–with the counsellor they gave me? Look, I did everything I was supposed to, and–and yeah, I… I guess I was fine.”) before Jon came in and ruined her life – she can’t work anymore, her whole ability to function has been impacted, she’s in clear distress. What Jon did to her was… absolutely unwarranted and gratuitous. And… honestly, except for willingly launching The Watcher’s Crown, I have trouble picturing what he could possibly do that would be worse than this?

Season 4, at least on tape, hasn’t been Jon’s slow descent into monsterhood; it has been a constant string of Jon expressing doubts, sadness for victims, and trying to regain contact with the assistants. So what happened, for him to suddenly dive in and become so instinctive…? Or if it had always been there, out of record, what was going through Jon’s head…? (What was going though Jon’s head, when he was watching the woman as she was waiting for her date…? Because she was alone, at first, and yet, he didn’t immediately came for her…)

Basically: we’re missing pieces, and that’s the point, but uuuuuh…

- Anyway, meanwhile, I’m guessing that Elias got put into solitary confinement because the amount of [PLEASURED EXHALATION] he must have breathed out in these past two weeks made the guards AND the other inmates too uncomfortable.

- Aaaand the trend of people who had a Beholding-related encounter and are especially uneasy at the Institute keeps going:

(MAG053) GERTRUDE: One other thing. That feeling of being watched… have you ever had it since? WALTER: Well, I wasn’t sure whether to say anything, but… yes, I have, just now. That… funny turn I took on the way down the stairs, I felt it again. All those eyes, watching me.

(MAG060, Rosa Meyer) “Not that I could rest anyway. Those eyes still haunt my dreams, and follow me through the waking world. Even here. Especially… here.”

(MAG142) WOMAN: But I feel like I’m seeing him when I’m awake, as well? I’ve been… I’ve been having a lot of problems, since he talked to me, well, since I talked to him. […] Every time I do, every time I get that… panic just rising up my throat… I see him. He’s there. Not when I look properly. But just at the edge. The corner of my eye. And he’s gone. […] I, I… I can’t… this place… I… I can’t be here. I have to… [OPENING DOOR] MARTIN: Uh, no– WOMAN: Bye!

Which. Is still a possible explanation as to why there are so few Beholding statements outside of the letters addressed to Jonah: because people have to be exceptionally tough to not feel crushed and even more pressured inside of the Institute, if they’ve already been marked/offered to Beholding.

- I… hadn’t really given much thought about it, but actually, the distinction between feeding/being fed from, for the Archivist, might be through respectively live and written statements? Back in season 3, Elias had highlighted to Jon that they were taxing on him, and Jon had mentioned to Georgie that he was experiencing the fears himself, when reading them:

(MAG089) JUDE: It’s like you’re not even listening. You have your god, as I have mine. Feed it, fearlessly and without hesitation, or it will feed on you. ARCHIVIST: But I don’t… I don’t… I mean, I mean, what do I feed it? JUDE: I don’t know? You’re the one it picked. Not a great choice, if you ask me.

(MAG091) MIKE: That’s… that’s all, I think. Since then I’ve embraced my new life; gladly fed that which feeds me.

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: And you can’t just give me all of the statements? ELIAS: Jon, even when you had them all at your disposal, you barely got through one statement a week. Why do you think that is? It takes its toll on you. And I know you’ve had problems with moderation.

(MAG093) ARCHIVIST: You’ve seen monsters? GEORGIE: Not the time, Jon. ARCHIVIST: Right, it’s… it’s just I think I’m turning into one. GEORGIE: Really? That’s… not great. ARCHIVIST: Yeah. Ever since I took this job, I’ve felt a compulsion to read out some of the statements. The ones that really touched the supernatural. And when I do… I… I feel them. I feel their confusion and fear. I tried to write it off, but…

Though Jon doubled-over at the end of MAG094, after the Hellish Five Days covering MAG089 (Jude’s live), MAG091 (Mike’s live), MAG092 (Elias showdown), MAG093 (written statement), MAG094 (Georgie’s live). And a written statement was enough to perk him up in MAG107. But I wonder if, now that Jon has… “become something else”, the live-statements aren’t precisely feeding him, and more tempting, while the written ones make the Beholding feed from him…? The woman in MAG142 was insistent over the fact that Jon looked… replenished, after he was done with her, and Jon told Basira in MAG141 that Floyd’s was helping him to go “full power”, so it definitely looks like it’s the actual way to feed for an Archivist… while it used to be pretty neutral, effects-wise, before his coma?

(And even in season 4, Jon didn’t sound that much lively in MAG131, after taking Jared’s, so…? Was that because Jared is a spook, and it’s less nourishing? Or is it because a new dependency/feeding system has grown alongside Jon’s powers, developing through the ordeals – after the coffin in MAG132, and/or after he tried to take a look at The Lonely in MAG139?)

- Amongst things that have apparently changed, relatedly to Jon’s powers… the effects of taking live-statements did: Daisy and Basira only mentioned dreams, but the woman in MAG142 made it clear that it wasn’t just that. It sounds like, additionally to the dreams, Jon re-traumatised her (since she has been plagued with panic attacks every time she’s triggered, although she used to be able to handle it), which makes her relive the fear of The Buried… with additional Feeling Of Being Watched. So, feeding both The Buried and Beholding? (How come only The Lonely is financing the Institute and getting all chummy with them, then, if Beholding has the potential to give back to the other Fears the snacks that had managed to get away?)

So why did the live-statements Jon extorted have different effects than usual? Multiple parameters have changed since the ones from the first three seasons. Is it because he’s more The Archivist now, after having chosen, and this is what true full Archivists do to people? Is it because The Watcher’s Crown is coming closer and Beholding is reaching its peak power? I’m reminded of Smirke’s letter (MAG138), when The Eye was precisely haunting both his dreams and his daily world, and that’s how Smirke came to the conclusion that Jonah was on the verge of doing something regrettable. Other option: … Assuming there wasn’t any tape recorder indeed: is it because the statement hadn’t been recorded, back then, and the recorders alleviate the Beholding effect…? (=> I’m still amongst the people considering hard that the tape recorders are actually Web, so, it could be a matter of hijacking Beholding’s dominion a bit…?)

- ;; Whether The Watcher’s Crown attempt is planned for the end of season 4 or for later into season 5… you can feel, meta-wise, that Something Beholding is coming closer and closer. There had been very few statements about The Eye throughout the entire series so far (full-on Eye: MAG023, MAG53, MAG060, MAG120) and… we’re already at three new ones in season 4 – MAG127, MAG138, MAG142.

- One of the themes of the episode seems to be about the temptation of the Dread Powers: Lonely for Martin, Beholding for Jon, Hunt for Daisy.

(MAG142) MARTIN: Th–the worst part is I don’t even want to talk to him about it. I’m just… [SIGH] I suppose I’m just getting comfortable with the distance. [SIGH] Cut off. [DRY CHUCKLE] “Lonely”. [INHALE] Mind you, Peter’s not wrong. It really is easier than actually just trying to communicate with people. […] They told you about Elias, right? DAISY: Yeah…. Basira said. Don’t like him being alive. Trying not to think about it too much. Don’t want to get too angry. Start to… hear the… blood. […] MARTIN: I mean… I guess. It still sounds really dangerous. DAISY: Yeaaah. Wanted to go with them, protect them, but… [PAUSE] Life’s always more complicated than that, isn’t it? MARTIN: Not really.

Daisy got enough distance, in the coffin, to delimitate herself separately from The Hunt, which had shaped her life until now – it’s a looming threat, and keeping away from it means accepting sacrifices, in the form of not being there for the people she cares about (now, “Basira and Jon”: not Basira anymore):

(MAG132) DAISY: I’m sc–scared, but… Mm–mm… But I… I feel more, feel more m–me than I have for years. Maybe all my life… The, The Hunt was me, b–but I don’t, I don’t think I liked it. I think it just made me… need… it…  I hurt… a l–lot of people… and some who… who I shouldn’t have. Did you ever hear the, the story Elias told me? About what I did. How I am… He, he didn’t get a detail wrong. The Hunt… Hunger was in me all my life. Telling me who to chase, how to hurt them. I never needed to think… who I was outside of that. But down here, where I… I can’t hear the… blood anymore, I d–, I don’t… I don’t know who I am without, without the chase… I just know… that I… I don’t like who I was back outside. I don’t want to be her again. I want… to be… better…

(MAG133) ARCHIVIST: [EXHALES] She is trying to keep a clear head. Stay away from The Hunt as much as possible. You valued her purpose. Her resolve. The sort of things–

(MAG140) ARCHIVIST: Is Daisy coming? BASIRA: … No. ARCHIVIST: … Oh. I, I–I just thought– BASIRA: We’ve talked about it. If The Hunt takes her again… we don’t know if she’s coming back. And neither of us want that. ARCHIVIST: … No, o–of–of course.

As it was presented with the last two episodes, Jon crashed and burned himself through Beholding; whatever he is right now, however he thinks, he’s deep in – and though he may (or may not) have been initially trying to use his powers for good, or with a goal in mind… it’s now about consuming, about feeding, about indulging, whether he had realised it or not. Meanwhile, Martin is seeing appeal in the Lonely – Peter’s magic/management is doing its work (and Gerry had warned us that the Lukases were good at grooming their own). Respectively reformed, currently into it, and tempted to give in, because the powers offer something they crave: being a fighter and having the power to protect or to strike at those who offended her for Daisy, getting information, knowledge and obtaining new pieces to complete the ongoing puzzles for Jon, being at peace of mind and not heartbroken anymore for Martin.

(- And Martin has been closing himself off without… realising to which extent, apparently:

(MAG142) DAISY: Yeah. Just a… a bit empty around here. You know? MARTIN: Not really. DAISY: Melanie’s out, and… [EXHALE] Jon and Basira’re still off. Bit worried. But they can take care of themselves, you know? MARTIN: Again, not really. [SHORT HUMOURLESS LAUGHTER] No one talks to me anymore. […] Anyway. So, what’s this field trip they’re on? DAISY: They, uh… they didn’t tell you? MARTIN: [DRY CHUCKLE] No, I… What. … [QUICKLY] Daisy, where have they gone? DAISY: You know that town in Norway? MARTIN: What? I… Wai– Wh–what?! You don’t mean Ny-Ålesund? DAISY: Yyyeah. They reckon there’s a ritual they need to, you know… MARTIN: Yeah, but Peter didn’t even men…! [OPENS DRAWERS, SHUFFLES THROUGH THINGS] I don’t believe this!

Basira had mentioned that she had stopped trying to reach for him, after his mother’s death; but Martin had accepted to cut off from Jon entirely, and has shown multiple times that he’s been relying on Peter for information. Maybe Basira stopped trying, but it’s mostly… that Martin made himself so inaccessible. And there is something very fitting (though sad) with that? Because indeed, Martin kept trying to make connections with people and being rejected or betrayed – his attentions never meeting their goal. He took care of his mother for years; he was quite mistreated by Jon even when trying to make things a bit better, or less bittersweet (prime example being the beginning of MAG069, when he brought tea for Jon, and was turned away). And as he spat to Elias’s face in MAG118, he was very aware that the “good” moments he had spent with Not!Sasha had been cruel lies, that he felt bad for spending with Sasha’s murderer? And his relationship with Tim had deteriorated through season 2 already, reaching the point in season 3 when… Tim didn’t factor him in at all, focused on his revenge and didn’t spare any thought for Martin because he didn’t know him like he knew Sasha? And Martin never really managed to form any connection with Melanie nor Basira, and Daisy used to frighten him. So, the temptation of the Lonely makes a lot of sense… and maybe Daisy will manage to pierce through it? She’s been a constant surprise in season 4 – actually bonding with Jon, and now managing to… have a meaningful talk with Martin? The fact that they shut down the tape recorder while still together might mean that they’ll keep talking and that it… could do Martin some good? That they could act on something together?)

- The clock in the background made it sound like the scene was taking place in Elias’s office again? (I think the sound the door made was the same, too?) So, “Assistant to Peter Lukas”, really? Nah. Martin has been slowly taking over all of Elias’s tasks: taking care of the Institute’s administration

and

receiving

the complaints about Jon.

(I’m not even joking: the first time ever that we heard Elias talk… was when he relayed to Jon that Naomi had filed a complaint about him, in MAG017. And now, it’s MARTIN taking care of even that. I don’t want Martin to become the new Head Director because that can mean anything good, but UUUUUh at the same time. All these tiny ways in which he is literally replacing Elias are hilarious but, accumulated, are beginning to get suspicious.)

Plus, I do love

(MAG142) WOMAN: I don’t, a– Look, I just need to, to talk to a… a–a manager, or something? MARTIN: Okay, uh, well, uh… Uh, yeah, actually, [CHUCKLE] I’m a, I’m a manager. G–go on?

How more and more confident he’s getting at Bullshitting… but AT THE SAME TIME. Martin is managing Peter and used to manage Jon. He does deserve to be called “a manager”, okay.

- MARTIN IS STILL A BEHOLDING BABY!! After the (glorious) mess that was MAG100, Martin had been the only one of the assistants to take a live-statement: Tim’s, in MAG104, though, okay, Tim was also an assistant himself and it was… probably a Beholding effect that allowed him to be so articulate? But Martin technically took another one with MAG142, and the woman’s story was clearly messier and less “fluid”, she had a lot of trouble explaining things, and the point that it wasn’t the first time that she was telling her story (“And I start to tell him… everything. About the job, about the collapse, ab–about the hand… And more than I told you, even, and–and…”)… but still. Beholding might not be giving up on him, uh?

Also, it’s Aza’s pet-theory that Martin might be compelling/manipulating people to do what he wants by asking “Please” (even though there is no static), and MMMM… both Tim and the woman uncoiled and began to talk after he said that word…

(MAG104) MARTIN: Please. TIM: [EXHALEs] Fine. Fine. I’ll tell him in person, when he gets back from… wherever it is that he’s vanished to. MARTIN: China. And if you try to tell him in person, you’ll just end up at each other’s throats. You know you will. TIM: … [BITTERLY] Statement of Timothy Stoker, on the disappearance of... of my brother, Danny, four years ago. June 14th, 2017.

(MAG142) MARTIN: Just… just tell me what happened. Hum, please. I–I won’t judge. [SILENCE] WOMAN: Alright. Uh. So, you… [SIGH] You’ve, uh… you’ve got to understand my job, okay?

(+ Melanie relenting when he went “Melanie. Melanie, please.” in MAG118, etc.)

- Anyway, I’m so so glad that Martin’s pettiness has been skyrocketing in season 4.

(MAG082) DAISY: Well, if your witnesses appear back in this universe, maybe the situation will change. Otherwise, it’s an easy choice: answer my question or I pin it on you. MARTIN: Y–you can’t! Th–that’s not how this works. [SILENCE] … Is it? DAISY: Let me tell you how this works, Mr. Blackwood. I’ve got a hell of a workload, no partner and full operational discretion to make this whole situation go away. That means you help me or I make things very unpleasant for you.

(MAG142) DAISY: I said… I don’t want to talk about it. [SILENCE] MARTIN: I know. [PAUSE] Not nice being interrogated, is it? DAISY: I… [EXHALE] Oh. MARTIN: Yeah. [SILENCE] DAISY: [INHALE] I’m sorry, Martin.

February 2017 vs. June 2018, it was sixteen months ago, and he didn’t let that go. FORGIVE AND FORGET? NO AHAHAHAH RESENT AND REMEMBER.

- AND I’M SO GLAD THAT DAISY APOLOGISED… that she understood on her own why Martin was so petty and cutting at her – that she had given him reasons to!

(And uuuh… that parallel between Daisy-towards-Basira and Martin-towards-Jon… I didn’t know how much I wanted Daisy and Martin to have an Actual Conversation until now, but… they work… so fine… hopeless pining gays aware that their crushes are fucking idiots throwing themselves into things without plans, all of them…)

- Uh! So Martin listened to MAG061’s tape!

(MAG142) MARTIN: I listened to your old statement. Wasn’t your partner down there? DAISY: Yeah. Didn’t find him. MARTIN: You don’t wanna go get him? DAISY: I’m not going back. MARTIN: Hm! I thought you would have at least tried, or–

(As an aside, we know Jon had taken the tape along with him when he went into the coffin to rescue Daisy…)

So why and when did Martin listen to that specific statement and remember about that detail…? (He’s usually… notoriously pretty bad at cross-checking information or remembering names from one statement to another, see how he didn’t remember about “Rayner” back in season 3.)

- Speaking of tapes, there were a few things:

(MAG142) MARTIN: I should probably try to get him this tape, let him know what happened, that someone came in to… But then, ahah, would that just come across as an accusation? Like, because I don’t wanna… And then, then I guess he’d… hear this bit as well, so… I… I… [LONG EXHALE] What do I do…? […] DAISY: … [INHALE] You recording, or…? MARTIN: Hm? Uh, oh… Oh, no, there was– Hang on… [CLICK.]

The fact that the woman’s complaint and story was recorded was a conscious decision from Martin, or at least, he was aware of the recording (=> it didn’t… sneakily begin to record without him noticing). But it’s strange that the woman didn’t mention any tape recorder with Jon when he preyed on her – maybe it was there, hidden, but maybe there wasn’t any…? If that’s the case, why…? (…………… if it was recorded, that means there might be a hidden stash of… encounters like this, of Jon pressuring people into giving their statements…)

- We got quite the roundabout of Martin’s ambivalent bits this episode: he was good towards the woman (treating her with the respect she deserved), expressed offense and disgust at Jon’s actions………………… and then right away, went back to being Considerate Of Jon’s Feelings and to worrying over him the instant he was given the incentive:

(MAG142) MARTIN: Uh, but you didn’t give me your– [DOOR CLOSES] … name. [SIGH] [RUFFLING PAPER] [SILENCE] [SIGH] … What the hell do I do with that?! I mean, Christ, Jon, that’s… that’s not okay! Oh, that can’t– that can’t… I mean, it’s not him, is it? Not, not really? It’s, what, addiction, instinct, maybe mind control, something like that? I… can’t believe he’d choose to do something like that. … No, no, I, I can’t think like that, though, I, I can’t let myself, ‘cause I mean, if, if he‘s already gone, then all of this is just… […] MARTIN: No, no, it’s… thank you, I just… [CLOSES DRAWER] For God’s sake, can he not stay safe for like, for like ten minutes?! DAISY: I don’t think that’s an option for him anymore. MARTIN: Yeah, I mean, sure… [SLAMS A DRAWER SHUT] But he just…! He doesn’t think! He always just immediately charges straight off into danger with whatever… whatever half-arsed plan o–occurs to him at the time! I don’t get it!

… It’s probably not a good thing that he’s… so prompt to getting worried over Jon instead of reconsidering things through his actions (it’s like he had… immediately forgotten the woman’s story as soon as Daisy explained that Jon was going into Danger territory) but… it makes sense with Martin’s point of view – because he had agreed to some sacrifice for the others’ and Jon’s well-being, and, indeed, if he were to accept that Jon is gone… then, it means that it was partially for naught – unless Martin manages to find New Reasons. (But it kind of confirms that Martin really doesn’t have many things he cares for/about left in the world…)

-  Whatever is happening with Jon, it’s either not one of the options that Martin considered, either a mix of all of them (“addiction, instinct, maybe mind control”)? We know that Jon has had ~problems with moderation~ and Jon had discovered and acknowledged that he was getting addicted to written-statements, back in season 3, without… giving it much thought:

(MAG107) ARCHIVIST: I feel… a lot better! … I’d love to rattle off a lot of potential other reasons for this, nice rational causes of recovery, but… I feel we’re past the point of transparent rationalisations. It looks like the recording of statements has now passed over from psychological compulsion into… a more physical dependence. I don’t know whether this is… some sort of classical addiction or something a bit deeper. But either way, this is not the time for experimentation. I’m on a deadline, and if I need to be reading statements to stay well enough, then I suppose that’s what I shall do.

And the way Jon was described kind of remind me of Trevor’s relationship with The Hunt? (MAG056, “In the early 80s, I was deep in the grip of my twin addictions. As I mentioned, after a while, the hunt became an addiction of its own. Of the two, I’ve always found heroin the easier one to quit. […] But the hunt… the hunt is a purpose. It’s not just a way to get through the day, it’s a reason for there to be a day at all.”)

There has been so much talk about “choices” this season that… the bottom line will probably be that yes, Jon did choose it and will be aware of it. Either it was something he was trying to get under control, for a Greater Plan (trying to Power Up to fight The Dark?), either it was mainly hunger when he began to do these things but… despite Martin’s repulsion at the idea, I don’t think the answer will be anything less than “yes, maybe he was influenced, but Jon did choose it”…?

- You can feel that Daisy is a bit older/more experienced than the others and… it’s interesting that, in the end, she’s knowledgeable about human behaviours and able to decipher them?

(MAG142) DAISY: I, I mean, it’s pretty standard stuff. MARTIN: What?! DAISY: Used to see it all the time back in the force, especially with the Section’d. Not like there’s… “normal” trauma, you know? But it’s pretty common. The most important thing becomes control, engaging on your own terms. Even when it’s stupid or dangerous. Anything to not feel helpless.

(She was Section’d for fourteen years, she had been working in the police for sixteen years in December 2016, so she’s at the very least 35-ish years old, while Jon&Martin are around 30.)

AND I LOVED HOW SHE REMINDED MARTIN THAT SHE USED TO BE A DETECTIVE…

(MAG142) MARTIN: … Yeah. [LONG INHALE] I suppose. [LONG EXHALE] You’re… you’re pretty observant, you know? DAISY: Detective, remember? MARTIN: Yeah, you did mention. Would have thought Basira would’ve had more sense, though. DAISY: When Basira and I were partners, I’d see this happen sometimes. She can read a… situation like no one I know, always seems to know the right move, but for all her research, she never wants to put a plan together. I think she just hates all the unknowns, the… variables. [SIGH] Contingencies. If she spots an advantage, she’ll… grab it, and trust herself to figure out the details as she goes.

Elias has been nagging Basira, calling her “detective” (and Georgie called her one in MAG122, and Peter referred to her as such in MAG134) but… it was Daisy, officially – Basira was only a Police Constable. Daisy had it in her to lean towards Beholding, uh…? And it’s nice to see that Daisy didn’t have that title for nothing? And it’s interesting to see the contrast between her and Basira – with Daisy, initially being presented as savage and violent (a “rabid dog” according to Elias), actually attuned to the way people work, and Basira, quieter and “soft” (according to Daisy in MAG061), seemingly level-headed… being actually the impulsive and chaotic one.

- But WOOPS.

(MAG140) ARCHIVIST: So what’s the plan? BASIRA: I’m getting us passage on a boat heading up there. ARCHIVIST: … Right. BASIRA: I bring all the guns from Daisy’s old stash, you bring the spook you used to mess up that delivery guy. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: Wh… at? That’s it? [PAUSE] Christ, I thought my plans were half-arsed. BASIRA: It’s all about when we go. ARCHIVIST: … I don’t follow. BASIRA: Summer solstice is the 21st of June. So we leave in a fortnight. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … Right. BASIRA: And should arrive about a week before. No danger of sunset or darkness for a long time. Stands to reason that they will be at their weakest.

(MAG141) ARCHIVIST: You were the one who suggested we go by boat. BASIRA: Didn’t think I… urgh… [SNIFF] … I hadn’t really done proper boats, before…

Confirmation that Basira barely has any plan for Ny-Ålesund and is mostly planning to improvise.

- Here’s hope that Martin talking with Daisy will help a bit to get him out of his shell… Hilariously, Elias had warned Martin about getting too secluded?!

(MAG138) MARTIN: I think he wants me to join The Lonely. ELIAS: Then it sounds like you have a decision to make. […] Don’t forget to keep in touch, Martin. There are so many people in here, but without one’s friends… [DOOR LOCKING] it does get rather lonely.

And Daisy came in and was the surprise!friend. At the very least, Martin got another demonstration that Peter is not trustworthy when it comes to the information he shares (or doesn’t share). Martin, despite his official wariness, has been relying on him a great deal, but maybe the news that Jon hoped out to stop another ritual, and that Peter didn’t even deem it worth it to notify Martin or to provide help, will allow distrust to sink in again…? (Oooh, I hope we will hear Martin confronting Peter about it, because Martin will probably be deliciously snappy and cutting…)

- … So Melanie had been “quiet” and now she’s away again (“Melanie’s out, and… [EXHALE] Jon and Basira’re still off.”), and we haven’t heard from her since her first session with that therapist, and I’m Worried About Melanie. And on that subject, I liked how Daisy casually supports Melanie’s past intention to kill Elias:

(MAG142) MARTIN: I thought you believed him…! You were doing all of his dirty work. DAISY: Well, wasn’t willing to call his bluff. Not the same thing as “believing”. Just too big a risk. MARTIN: … Not for Melanie. DAISY: Well, maybe she was the only one with any sense. Even if he was telling the truth [EXHALE], if we all… died… There are worse things.

… because we definitely know that she didn’t have much sense given that it was confirmed that she had been infected by the bullet.

(But hey, Daisy, give yourself some credit:

(MAG092) ELIAS: Ah, of course. Er, sometimes I forget how new you all are to this. Basira is now tied to the Institute. All of you are. Like fingers on a hand. And I am the beating heart of it. Should I, or the Institute, be destroyed, you will all, unfortunately, follow suit. MELANIE: Wait, what? TIM: Yup, that sounds about right. ELIAS: And it would not be a pleasant death. DAISY: Bullshit! ELIAS: Then shoot me. Just squeeze the trigger, and watch the only person you care about die screaming. Your last connection to humanity. Do it. BASIRA: Daisy…

You did call it “bullshit”, back then!)

- It’s quite impressive how much Elias has managed to be omnipresent even in absentia in season 4, but especially in this episode. The scene seems to take place in his office; we got reminders of how he had trapped Daisy to work for him; he’s still an element threatening Daisy to tip over; and he’s in prison… but still a bit here, somehow.

(Urk, he had mentioned that Jon was “at a very delicate stage right now” in MAG127, hence him making sure that Jon couldn’t get in contact with him… but I wonder if, upon his return from the Pole, Jon will get visitation rights because… stuff happened.)

- And what Jon is thinking/doing/meaning is… a gigantic mystery right now. It was a weird episode in that regard, because the first half of the episode was presenting him as a Monster, as absolutely… a danger? A threat? A “It” violating people and feeding from them? Because even if he wasn’t aware of the apparently new Beholding effects, Jon was absolutely conscious and reminded of the dreams plaguing statement-givers:

(MAG130) GERTRUDE: Shame about the dreams; I would avoid them if I could.

(MAG132) DAISY: I realised you were in my dreams. Reliving t… this. The coffin. You were there. ARCHIVIST: … Yes. DAISY: Didn’t think it was real. Not really… Just my mind putting you there, because I h–hated you but… no. One night, you turn up in a new shirt. Didn’t fit you. Not your style. I didn’t think much of it, it was just a d–, a dream. Then you come back from the States and… guess what you’re wearing. ARCHIVIST: Oh… DAISY: Realised what was happening then. Realised you weren’t human. Needed to die, as soon as it was safe. Never mind Elias and his… insurance.

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: It, uh… Hm. Is, uh… Weird question, but… I… [EXHALE] I haven’t seen you in my dreams? The last couple of weeks? […] So… no more dreams. DAISY: Not of you and your weird eyes. Just the coffin. ARCHIVIST: Is that better…? DAISY: ’T’s mine. ARCHIVIST: … right.

(MAG141) BASIRA: And now he’s going to see you in his dreams as he relives that for the rest of his life! ARCHIVIST: [INHALE SHARPLY] BASIRA: Because… because a tape recorder told you to do it?! ARCHIVIST: Yes, Basira, he is. And I am sorry about that. But we needed it. Anyway: you’re the one who wants to be like Gertrude. [SILENCE] You think she’d give a damn about a few bad dreams? BASIRA: … No. ARCHIVIST: No. She got the job done, and didn’t care about the costs. BASIRA: But I thought you did.

… and still Did What He Did, and has forced himself on people, and is enjoying it, and… messed up the woman (and potentially Floyd – his stories were about travelling by sea, can he still work as a sailor if he starts getting panic attacks?! – and potentially… others).

But then, the second half of the episode rolled in and insisted on his human sides and qualities and the fact that he was a victim, too. It made sense for Daisy (since she got in touch with the Jon who doubted and was “moping around”), it made sense for Martin (because, as much as he’s able to snap and take none of Jon’s shit, he’s also showed a propensity to making excuses for him, hence Tim’s bitterness in season 2), but it was still… a weird mix. Because you were shown someone suffering and in distress, and right afterwards told that her tormentor was in a bad place and deserved to be loved and for people to worry for his well-being and state of mind…? It’s indeed good to get confirmation that what Jon has experienced left its marks on him, since we had glimpses of it before:

(MAG133) ARCHIVIST: And give Daisy a break. She was there eight months. [EXHALES] I was only in there for three days, and I–

(MAG136) DAISY: [QUICKLY] You’re not babysitting me, alright?! I know that’s what the others think, sometimes, but… that’s not it. I just… don’t like…  being on my own if I can help it. You know. Flashbacks, panic attacks, the usual. Just trying to avoid it if I can. ARCHIVIST: I know, Daisy, I–I do. It’s hard.

… but it happened at a weird time, after the woman’s story. At least, with how Daisy went back to Jon’s words, pointing out that he was “self-destructive”:

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: My– [PAUSE] [INHALE] [SIGH] My memories of the coma are not clear. But I know I made a choice; I made a choice to become… something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I… I don’t know if I made the right decision; I–I’m stronger now, tougher, I can… … If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever… I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else so, if I can maybe stop that happening, and [DRY CHUCKLE] the only danger is to me, I– I’ll do it in a heartbeat; worst case scenario… the universe loses another monster. DAISY: That’s messed up. ARCHIVIST: [LOW SELF-DEPRECATIVE DRY LAUGHTER] … Yeah. I suppose it is. DAISY: Did you know the coffin wouldn’t kill you? ARCHIVIST: I– guess I thought imprisonment wouldn’t… wouldn’t be as bad as it was. DAISY: [SHAKY SIGH] ARCHIVIST: And it’s a lot easier to make that choice than it is to actually… endure the result. You might have noticed when I was in there with you, I… I had regrets. DAISY: Yeah. I remember. ARCHIVIST: Plus, I thought… [PAUSE] W– [SIGH] Well, I didn’t know what being down there had done to you. DAISY: You thought I was gonna kill you? ARCHIVIST: It was a possibility.

(MAG142) DAISY: And of course, for Jon, there’s survivor’s guilt in there, too. He thinks he’s not human. Makes him very… self-destructive.

… I think we might definitely be heading towards the idea that at some point, in a shape or form, Jon did (and likely does) intend to sacrifice himself to stop The Dark…?

(- Alright, though.

This bit is more a disclaimer for Behind The Scenes/Less Comfy Time than full-on review: I initially had a very hard time with this episode. By that, I mean it physically messed me up for a day or two, before I was able to pinpoint why, and managing to get what the issue was alleviated the feeling a bit: it’s because, beyond the harassment case (which was indeed treated as it deserved in the episode, as “enough” to feel messed-up and warrant a complaint), I felt/read/received the woman’s story and encounter as openly coded as se*ual assault, and I was unprepared to this – creepy man hovers around a woman who was having a romantic meeting, corners her when she is alone, forces her to do something she was unwilling to do, “thanks her” for what he extorted from her and is satisfied by the experience, and leaves her a crying wreck, traumatised and with her whole life messed up, down to the detail of the woman not putting the blame on him, partially presenting it as her responsibility (“I’ve been having a lot of problems, since he talked to me, well, since I talked to him. Ever since I told my… story. […] May–maybe, maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m… Maybe I just, I met him once, in a coffeeshop, and he was a creep, and it messed me up…! But that’s enough. Right? [SHAKY EXHALE] That is enough.”) since she didn’t have the codes to explain what had truly been done to her. On its own, I felt that this wasn’t escapist horror anymore but way closer to “real-life horror” than what TMA usually does; it was even strengthened by E. Lockley’s performance, which was absolutely amazing… and also very intense, shaking and rough; and there was the added fact that… the abuser, in this case, was someone (the protagonist) who had been presented as sympathetic until now. Separately, it would have been a lot already; together, it was unbearable for me upon listening, and even after… it also makes me a bit uneasy, story-wise; as in, “oh, after 140-ish episodes, is this series really for me, after all.”

Because the second half of the episode made it pretty clear that Jon will be held accountable for what happened, but also… that he is a victim himself. And he’s still (unless this is The Shift) our main character, that we were meant to sympathise with until at least MAG140, and who was still written as sympathetic in the second half of the episode. Meanwhile, this character… exposed how her life was wrecked, is condemned to suffer, was harmed by someone who knew to some extent what he was doing, and she probably won’t be seen ever again. She didn’t do anything; Jon did. And it’s Jon’s story, and I’m sure that there will be Lots Of Guilt if Jon is meant to stick around as our protagonist, but the fact remains: the person who was (one of) his victim(s) still had her life wrecked, knowingly, and is probably not “important” enough to receive focus and to achieve protagonist status, unlike… her abuser. And I feel like I read enough stories focusing on the person who chose to harm rather than the person who was hurt and will be perpetually hurt? And I’m not too fond either of serious stories going the “edgy” route of protagonists behaving as uncaring asshats for a long while…? I had always assumed that when Jon would Fall, it would be either gradually, or the point when he would lose his Protagonist/sympathetic status? But right now, it feels like it’s most likely heading towards Reforming and coincidental Manpain territory (which… TMA had been great at avoiding until now), and aesthetically, I’m not super ready to open myself to feel sympathy for a character who caused harm while aware of the effects, even if he feels like crap about it afterwards, and even if I was until now very engrossed in his story and loving him a lot as a character. It works fine in derivative works, I love the various explorations, but in a canon… it’s always something else, it makes me feel uneasy, I am always pursued by the reminder of “but why does this character’s ongoing story deserve to be told, and not their victim’s?”. With MAG141/142, I feel like suddenly, Jon got utterly destroyed as a protagonist? Who cares, honestly, if he’s self-destructive or has survivor guilt? How do you justify the fact that he should still be (even partially) a (sym)pathetic character, or someone to feel for, if he goes around dooming people in such ways, even if it’s a spooky temptation/an addiction problem…? I would need the canon to tell me why and I feel… that it’s going to be hard. Because even if Jon feels bad about it, even if he was planning to get fucked over and it was only a temporary thing, he’ll still not be the main victim, and there is (presumably) no fixing for what he did, no way to alleviate what he did to the people whose statements he extorted, and unlike them, he’ll still be… our character. We’ll hear his voice, not his victims’ (after this woman’s testimony), and I don’t think that’s compatible with his protagonist status anymore.

And I know that RQ is usually very sensitive when it comes to real-life issues; the woman was treated with the soft carefulness that she deserves, and I understand perfectly that the way Martin was written this episode was meant to avoid typical accusations in such cases: he absolutely believed her and didn’t even consider that she could have been lying; he took her seriously and didn’t argue with her over the necessity of filing a complaint; he was supportive and soft; he validated her after she told her story (“O–okay. Hum. [INHALE] Right, well… [EXHALE] Firstly, I’m re– I’m really sorry that this happened.”); he expressed outrage towards Jon’s actions for this (… at first). But I have a hard time “trusting” and can’t help but be wary of what will follow in the story, and I am ill-at-ease: because crediting the woman as “Bystander” was… a surprising choice (she was a victim, she was preyed upon, it was her story, she was not… a witness or someone on the side…), because she wasn’t named (so… deprived of her identity…), and because it is likely the last of what we’ll hear from her… even though we know, with the rules of this universe, that she won’t escape this situation. And we’ll keep following Jon, and be narratively meant to get heartbroken over him, if MAG142 is any indication. I’m open to surprises (we heard Melanie’s and Daisy’s voices in ways that I hadn’t been expecting, although it was necessary and welcome; Daisy did harm people and keeps reasserting that it was her responsibility, and I currently adore her (… though the fact that we never met an innocent she would have wrecked… helps); or it’s possible that it’s the point, that Jon is currently being buried as a protagonist and that we’re supposed to lose our attachment to him) but… as I said, I’m wary, and not at ease at the moment. So I’ll see with next episodes, but it’s possible that I might take a hiatus soon-ish to let a few episodes pass and to judge from afar if I’ll feel better listening to them in one go, with the overall direction getting clearer. My first reflex last Wednesday was “I can’t listen to this anymore” and it messed me up until I was able to pinpoint what had been the thing bleeding into me and making me feel so sick, and fiction isn’t… supposed to do that to you – suddenly, it made the world unsafe, and it wasn’t horror escapism anymore for the reasons mentioned above, and I really wasn’t expecting to get slammed this hard even when expecting Terrible (fictional) Things. So, I’ll… see; you do you, I do me, I’m fine now, I can branch out if I feel that It’s Not For Me After All. Despite these grand intentions, I’d probably end up swallowing any Jon Angst/Tragedy Juice anyway, manpain-flavoured or not, so, eh.)

(Here’s for narrative hope: Daisy saw the woman and reminded Martin that she was a “detective”, so… some pieces are laid for Daisy to track down and find her? The fact that this woman wasn’t given a name feels a bit suspicious – not because she would be a false identity or an illusion, but in the way that… she was denied one. And given her situation, given that she was a victim, it’s quite harsh and un-TMA-like? So we’re probably meant to see her again, with a proper name…?)

Title for MAG143 is out: no cookie point to guess which Fear is involved, but mMMMMmm, guessing we’re going into Things (and that we might get a clue about what Robert Montauk was doing when Julia was a kid…?).

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #mag142 #long post/ #tma liveblog #tma season 4 #the magnus archives

[jerseydeanne]

Would you be able to reblog the post that someone submitted in 2016 of the comparison of the statement Harry released in 2016 defending Meghan and the posts Meghan wrote on her blog The Tig? I tried going through the 2016 section in the archive of your blog because I thought you'd have it but I can't find it. I think that Meghan wrote the recent statement that was released. What do you think?

https://www.royal.uk/statement-communications-secretary-prince-harry

A Statement by the Communications Secretary to Prince Harry

MENU

Published 8 November 2016

Since he was young, Prince Harry has been very aware of the warmth that has been extended to him by members of the public. He feels lucky to have so many people supporting him and knows what a fortunate and privileged life he leads.

He is also aware that there is significant curiosity about his private life. He has never been comfortable with this, but he has tried to develop a thick skin about the level of media interest that comes with it. He has rarely taken formal action on the very regular publication of fictional stories that are written about him and he has worked hard to develop a professional relationship with the media, focused on his work and the issues he cares about.

But the past week has seen a line crossed. His girlfriend, Meghan Markle, has been subject to a wave of abuse and harassment. Some of this has been very public - the smear on the front page of a national newspaper; the racial undertones of comment pieces; and the outright sexism and racism of social media trolls and web article comments. Some of it has been hidden from the public - the nightly legal battles to keep defamatory stories out of papers; her mother having to struggle past photographers in order to get to her front door; the attempts of reporters and photographers to gain illegal entry to her home and the calls to police that followed; the substantial bribes offered by papers to her ex-boyfriend; the bombardment of nearly every friend, co-worker, and loved one in her life.

Prince Harry is worried about Ms. Markle’s safety and is deeply disappointed that he has not been able to protect her. It is not right that a few months into a relationship with him that Ms. Markle should be subjected to such a storm. He knows commentators will say this is ‘the price she has to pay’ and that ‘this is all part of the game’. He strongly disagrees. This is not a game - it is her life and his. He has asked for this statement to be issued in the hopes that those in the press who have been driving this story can pause and reflect before any further damage is done. He knows that it is unusual to issue a statement like this, but hopes that fair-minded people will understand why he has felt it necessary to speak publicly.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7526379/Prince-Harry-launches-emotional-attack-British-press.html

FULL STATEMENT FROM THE DUKE OF SUSSEX

'As a couple, we believe in media freedom and objective, truthful reporting. We regard it as a cornerstone of democracy and in the current state of the world - on every level - we have never needed responsible media more.

'Unfortunately, my wife has become one of the latest victims of a British tabloid press that wages campaigns against individuals with no thought to the consequences - a ruthless campaign that has escalated over the past year, throughout her pregnancy and while raising our newborn son.

'There is a human cost to this relentless propaganda, specifically when it is knowingly false and malicious, and though we have continued to put on a brave face - as so many of you can relate to - I cannot begin to describe how painful it has been. Because in today's digital age, press fabrications are repurposed as truth across the globe. One day's coverage is no longer tomorrow's chip-paper.

'Up to now, we have been unable to correct the continual misrepresentations - something that these select media outlets have been aware of and have therefore exploited on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.

'It is for this reason we are taking legal action, a process that has been many months in the making.

'The positive coverage of the past week from these same publications exposes the double standards of this specific press pack that has vilified her almost daily for the past nine months; they have been able to create lie after lie at her expense simply because she has not been visible while on maternity leave.

'She is the same woman she was a year ago on our wedding day, just as she is the same woman you've seen on this Africa tour.

'For these select media this is a game, and one that we have been unwilling to play from the start. I have been a silent witness to her private suffering for too long. To stand back and do nothing would be contrary to everything we believe in.

'This particular legal action hinges on one incident in a long and disturbing pattern of behaviour by British tabloid media. The contents of a private letter were published unlawfully in an intentionally destructive manner to manipulate you, the reader, and further the divisive agenda of the media group in question.

'In addition to their unlawful publication of this private document, they purposely misled you by strategically omitting select paragraphs, specific sentences, and even singular words to mask the lies they had perpetuated for over a year.

'There comes a point when the only thing to do is to stand up to this behaviour, because it destroys people and destroys lives. Put simply, it is bullying, which scares and silences people. We all know this isn't acceptable, at any level. We won't and can't believe in a world where there is no accountability for this.

'Though this action may not be the safe one, it is the right one. Because my deepest fear is history repeating itself. I've seen what happens when someone I love is commoditised to the point that they are no longer treated or seen as a real person. I lost my mother and now I watch my wife falling victim to the same powerful forces.

'We thank you, the public, for your continued support. It is hugely appreciated. Although it may not seem like it, we really need it.'

Why did they need to add it to a separate website with only that on it? 

Thank you anon, 🌸😎🥰

[thebestplltheories]

Hello! I loved the finale, and I loved the season! I'm really hoping there's a second season (with some serious re-branding). Before episode nine, I sent in a theory through the submit box, and I was just wondering if you'd seen that or if it had gotten lost in the shuffle. Just trying to do my part in making the fandom a healthier, more positive place with some theorizing! :)

Omg yes I saw that! It’s just at the bottom of my message box that I keep forgetting to scroll down enough to post it. Thanks for the reminder! Let me post it here for everyone to enjoy. I’ll read it later today, I’m excited!

Let’s look through Taylor’s timeline (with included analysis) up until the day of Nolan’s death:

According to Claire, despite Taylor’s and Nolan’s close relationship as children, Taylor never trusted anyone, including Nolan. If Taylor felt that Nolan was turning against her by wanting to reveal that she was alive to an outsider, would their unity fall apart? As Claire says, both Alison and Taylor are survivors at any cost. While we can’t always trust Claire’s perspective on her children, we can use our understanding of Alison’s character to better understand Taylor. We know that Alison is a survivor, and we’ve seen her ensure her own survival over others in the past. It’s not a leap to say that Taylor would do the same.

At some point in the past, Taylor “snapped.” Taylor says to Claire: “I snap and you come out smelling like roses. Just like last time.” We don’t know for sure what Taylor is referencing here, but this does show that Taylor has struggled with mental health in the past.

At some point during Taylor’s time at BHU, she befriended Ray Hogadorn. This friendship inspired Ray to write “They’re 👀” on her wall as a warning once he realized that something was wrong with Beacon Guard. Was this a personal warning or an overall warning to inspire Taylor to look into the situation?

Taylor became paranoid and occasionally delusional once she began teaching according to Claire. Because this is coming from Claire’s perspective, it could be doubted that Taylor really was paranoid rather than responding with caution to a real situation. However, we have had signs that Taylor snapped before (as Taylor referenced herself). Interestingly, Mason notes that Nolan also changed upon attending BHU. Something about BHU really impacted both Taylor and Nolan. This information raises questions: Was Taylor’s paranoia and delusion before or after Ray Hogadorn’s warning? Is this a hint that Taylor is dangerous? Did BHU have this effect only on Taylor and Nolan, and if so, why them?

A year ago, Taylor faked committing suicide as a way to escape the attention of her family and Beacon Guard. She told Alison that the “real reason” she ran away was because someone tried to kill her. This is of course potentially true, but I find it to be an interesting cover story. If Taylor ran away because someone tried to kill her, she is painted in the light of a victim. This immediately makes her seem more trustworthy. However, in the one conversation we 👀 between her and Nolan, it doesn’t seem like Taylor ran away for this reason. It seems more like the system at large is a threat.

During the year Taylor is gone, she and Nolan tried to find evidence to bring down Beacon Guard, but we don’t know why they’re trying to do this or what kind of evidence they’re trying to find. It’s worth noting that Alison comments to Mona that she feels something is wrong with the campus–something worse than a murder and fake suicide. This seems to align with there being more to Beacon Guard than meets the eye, as Taylor and Nolan know since they were actively trying to find evidence of this corruption. Does Taylor know exactly what is wrong, or was she simply trying to find any evidence that spoke of corruption? It’s notable that Taylor has not told Alison that she and Nolan were working on this project together. Her whole focus has been on “someone tried to kill me!” and “I need to find who killed Nolan!” There is a lot she has not been upfront with Alison about.

The day Nolan dies, he and Taylor meet up. After Nolan asks to 👀 Taylor (why?), Taylor seems to disagree because Nolan had been put under surveillance and it wouldn’t be safe if they met up. However, Nolan assumes that this means Ava has also been put under surveillance and pushes that he and Taylor need to meet. During this meeting, Nolan becomes dissatisfied with his and Taylor’s process in bringing down Beacon Guard (he’s 😟 for Ava’s safety) and argues with Taylor that they should bring in an outside source (Alison), which Taylor is adamantly against because she doesn’t feel safe. However, Nolan makes it clear that he’s going to do it anyway. Taylor responds by sheepishly agreeing and gives Nolan a very interesting hug. Even in the first episode, this hug felt significant–like Taylor is saying goodbye to her brother.

Now let’s break down what happened during Nolan’s death scene:

Nolan has decided, with Taylor’s unwilling acceptance, that he’s going to bring Alison into their group in order to bring down Beacon Guard. Presumably, Nolan and Taylor come up with the exact plan together of how to talk with Alison safely without revealing their entire ✋. Nolan texts Alison to meet him on the roof, and Taylor turns off Beacon Guard in that area so the conversation will be private. This means that Taylor knows that the roof is a safe place for her to be without being seen.

When the killer arrives, Nolan can only 👀 their silhouette and maybe some vague features because they stand directly in front of the bright light. This tells us that Nolan would have been immediately suspicious of the killer if he had been able to 👀 them.

Despite Nolan revealing very protected, sensitive information (that Taylor is in fact alive), he is sure enough that he’s talking to Alison that he reveals this information before getting a full look at the killer. It doesn’t make sense that Nolan would start talking without thinking he absolutely knew who he was talking to (based on his character’s attributes). However, it makes sense that Nolan would have thought he was talking to Alison if he was actually talking to her look-alike, Taylor. In silhouette form, Nolan would have seen long, blonde hair and very similar facial features.

The killer reveals themselves (stepping away from the light) immediately after Nolan says that Taylor is alive. If this is anyone other than Taylor, it makes more sense that they would have kept listening. This would have been huge  news that they could have gotten more information about! However, if the killer is Taylor, it makes sense that this would have been when she would have attacked. She had her evidence that Nolan was going to “out her.” As we discussed above, Taylor is a survivor at all costs and she is shown to be extremely fearful of being the “⚰️ girl who’s not ⚰️ anymore.” Taylor also knows who Alison is and why Claire brought Alison to Beacon Heights. Most likely, as someone trying to stay unseen, this would have made her feel hunted and more paranoid than ever. At what point would she turn against Nolan to protect herself?

Of course, we know Alison doesn’t reveal the text until the next day because of a partial Beacon Guard shutdown around Alison’s 🏠, the roof where Nolan is killed, and a few other cameras. We know that Taylor is behind the roof shutdown, meaning we know that Taylor is capable of causing a larger shutdown as well. It’s quite a coincidence that other cameras are shutdown, allowing a safe route for Taylor to travel the campus. It’s quite a coincidence that Alison doesn’t receive the text because of her home’s shutdown. If Taylor knew that she might kill Nolan, she absolutely wouldn’t want Alison to randomly show up. Plus, stopping Nolan from revealing her secret in the first place is the whole reason she would have gone to potentially kill Nolan. As Alison says later to Mona, “there is no such thing as coincidences.”

A few additional observations:

Mona is locked out of Beacon Guard for suspicious activity that she later discovers came from a single source. We never learn what this suspicious activity is exactly, just that Mona initially assumed Beacon Guard didn’t appreciate her trying to solve Nolan’s murder. I would bet that source is Taylor’s RV. What was the suspicious activity?

Two things from Mona’s perspective: first, Mona tells Alison that Nolan is dangerous because he has the ability to push a student to the snapping point. We 👀 Nolan push Taylor past her preferred safety system. Second, Mona tries to use her Beacon Guard algorithm to discover which student snapped enough to kill Nolan but was unable to find anyone. Of course, Taylor wouldn’t have come up because she would no longer be active in the system.

Taylor has shown lots of suspicious behavior. The biggest incident that immediately springs to mind is the fact that she’s trying to manipulate Alison into giving her the evidence against Booker. If Taylor is the killer, it makes sense that she wouldn’t want Booker to be stopped. Booker is doing a great job of keeping everyone focused away from who murdered Nolan, frantic, and potentially pinning Nolan’s murder on someone else. Taylor would want to do everything she could (like destroy the evidence) to keep Booker doing what she’s doing.

Dylan, Caitlyn, and Ava are talking about their belief that Booker is behind everything when Dylan briefly mentions Taylor’s suspicious behavior and her access to Beacon Guard. The script immediately cuts him off and then Booker shows up to take the audience’s attention off his statement. This is interesting.

This show has gone out of its way to show two aspects of Alison’s character: first, that she used to be a mean girl capable of deception and manipulation and second, that she has now changed and wants a drama-free, trustworthy life. The show has also gone out of its way to connect Alison and Taylor’s personalities. I think the show is doing something very interesting with this. Basically, they have created a gemini character. Alison is the good side while Taylor is the bad side. Taylor’s mean girl persona has been brought up by Claire, and we’ve seen it in how Taylor immediately treated Mona (calling her short, saying she should wear a 🛎️, etc.). This is a study of how the “same” person can choose two different paths.

I’m unsure if Taylor is the ultimate big bad, but I do think she is the one who killed Nolan. Personally, if she is the killer, I hope that she’s not also the big bad. I would 💛 to 👀 the dichotomy between someone who did a horrible thing but who is still fighting against a corrupt or dangerous system. Like Booker noted about Alison, she’s a complex character. I’m sure the same can be said then for Taylor.

#pll #pll theories #not mine #pretty little liars #pll tp #pll the perfectionists #the perfectionists

[freckliedan]

(for context, i made a post asking if this anon would b comfy telling me if she was a part of the lgbt community because i would be able to answer more quickly & with more nuance if i knew! my response would’ve been very different for the first ask if it had come from a cis/het person)

hi b!!!!!!!! ty so much for sending me this ask! this is a conversation i’ve had with friends a number of times & i think it’s really good to talk about so i’m really glad to have the chance to talk about it on my blog!

(under the cut because this got long)

i really feel you on this entire situation, tbh- i really hate to assume people’s sexualities, especially people who i don't actually know, bc doing that enforces gender roles & stereotypes so much of the time. especially when it's straight people doing the assuming? like, straight people talking about having good "gaydar" for me feels like them talking about being good at stereotyping people based on mannerisms etc and it makes me so fucking uncomfortable!

i'm 100% of the opinion that unless someone has the agency in telling people they're lgbt (like, they get to come out on their own terms, or they're so comfortably out that you'd maybe hear them referred to with pronouns besides he/she or hear about a same-gender partner when hearing about them in conversation)? nobody should be making a definitive assumption or trying to find proof or support of any perspective on their sexuality. people should get to be as closeted or as out as they're comfortable being, bc more than anything all lgbt people deserve to feel safe.

that said? i feel like lgbt ppl have actual "gaydar" but that it's not the same thing straight people say "gaydar" is. i think that for lgbt people, it has as much to do with being able to identify homophobic or transphobic straight or cis people (bc there are transphobic lgb folx, why do people. DO that) and being able to identify what straight/cis people are safe to be around as it does being able to find other lgbt people. it's more of a survival mechanism than a way of identifying people who are different, the way it functions for straight people.

so like? idk. over the past few years my concept of whether it's okay to speculate about a celebrity's sexuality has shifted a little? when i was in high school & recently out of it, i was more firmly against the idea that someone could tell if xyz celebrity wasn't straight, and super firmly believed that the only way you could know was if they said as much in words.

so what changed?

i experienced the world more, and i've learned so much about the lgbt community and about myself.

one of the big turning points for me was kristen stewart; i was never a super huge fan of hers, but i saw posts fairly often speculating that she and alicia cargile were together. not posts by like, news outlets or anything, posts by other wlw who were saying 'i see the way that kstew is dressing and acting and what she & alicia cargile are sharing of their relationship with the public and news articles keep calling them live-in gal-pals etc but that's exactly how i dress and behave and how my relationship with my girlfriend looks and how people treat our relationship when they're refusing to acknowledge the fact that we're lgbt."

also at the time i started seeing a lot of posts that were saying that the speculation was shitty, and for a hot minute i felt awful for seeing and reblogging posts & hoping/believing that they were girlfriends. the next wave of discourse tho was about how it was okay to speculate and hope if you were just an individual who was also lgbt, and how it was only shitty when it was invasive paparazzi and tabloids who had a platform that could actually disrupt her life and put pressure on her to come out. it was about power; one lesbian or bi or pan girl who was hoping a celebrity they looked up to was like them vs a business that doesn't have any investment in this besides to gain money/readership off of a celebrity's potential identity that had every right to keep their silence and privacy? it's two entirely different things.

i also went back to college in 2016, and realized that like. yeah it's shitty when straight people stereotype and assume things about people, but a lot of lgbt people don't want to be perceived as straight and intentionally dress and behave in ways that signal the fact that the're lgbt. i'm not a scholar on any of this; this is all from my lived experience. but i think it might be called flagging? i've seen the word a few times & just googled it & it seems right, even though i haven't read any of the articles for sure.

essentially it's a way of signaling to other lgbt people "hey i'm here and i'm also lgbt" without really having to disclose that info to all the straight people around you as well. and like, heteronormativity is a hell of a drug, you know? a lot of straight people are almost unwilling to pick up on the signals that someone's lgbt.

an example i can think of is like, lgbt people using non-gendered terms to refer to their significant other or any exes around straight people; it's not lying, and it leaves the opportunity for any other lgbt people present to maybe connect with the person who's doing the pronouns dance at a later point in time in a one on one setting.

another example would be like, butch and gender nonconforming wlw making their identity clear in the way they dress and behave? the song ring of keys from the musical fun home is about a young girl seeing a butch lesbian for the first time and going !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even without having the words. it's lgbt people broadcasting their identity for other lgbt people, not for straight people. it doesn't get seen or talked about as much because of that, but that doesn't make it any less real.

so how does this relate back to dnp?

i'm firmly of the opinion that the're like, doing this. they're living their lives without the complete self-censorship they used to have and because of that openness a lot of lgbt ppl see them, we see the ways in which dan and phil are quietly sharing the fact that they're not straight with us, and i think it's okay to accept that for what it is.

like? i genuinely am willing to argue that dan came out in his diss track. you look at that, and you look at him talk about labels in a liveshow (this video genuinely helped me a lot while i was going through the process of finding the right labels for myself) and you look at all of trying to live my truth or the fact that in dan's rebranding video part of the old branding that was going up in flames was gender rolls (i still have a screenshot of that on my phone). it's also in the countless ways he alludes to being attracted to men, and the ways he rejects a lot of the tenants of masculinity that society prescribes in the ways he dresses and presents himself to the world; that's not an inherently lgbt thing to do, but i think it's true that a majority of lgbt ppl experience gender more consciously than straight people do.​

i'm not going to lie and say i'm aware of as many specific details in regards to phil that indicate his sexuality-i do know less off the top of my head, but not because i don't love phil, just because dan means more to me personally in regards to my queerness and the ways i navigate my identities. phil also tends to share way less of himself with the internet than dan does? like, we know a lot of specifics about who dan is and who dan has been but despite knowing a lot of fluff about phil, we know less substantial information and that's super fucking valid and i love his double aquarius sagittarius rising enigmatic ass exactly as is. and i know i have things in my he likes boys tag about both of them, including (i think) at least one masterpost about phil.

which like, doesn't even bring us to the fact that i'm so sure they're together, too? it's not even like. things like the vd*y v*d, though that was still findable on tumblr when i joined the phandom in 2012.

i'm sure because i can look at dan and phil in the present, and the ways in which they function in eachother's lives, and the things they've said about their future together-the concept of a forever home, of getting a dog together,  the way that when either of them talks about a very old version of themself they talk about having kids & when you combine that with the idea of a forever home you kind of are left with only one implication- i look at all of those things and the ways they compare to my life, as a queer person in a long term committed relationship. and i know. i’m sure about them.

and i could go on. the thing that really gets me is how dan and phil, by all intents and purposes, hit all three sides of sternberg's triangle in his triangular theory of love; they've got the commitment of a shared life and they've talked about their shared future, they've got the intimacy of knowing and supporting each other for nine years and the close knowledge they have of each other is so great in volume that it's been the focus of what, two videos (the friendship test ones) and (spoilers, minorly) a section of ii? and in the way they look at each other, and in a lot of implications we've picked up on over the years, the passion is there, too.

they've fuckin got that good good consummate love, babeY.

they also constantly answer all of each other's bids, as per gottman's research/theories on successful relationships. i'm not gonna get too far into that, but it's what my like a sunflower tag is for.

and gosh, i've gotten rather off topic again. my apologies, b.

i guess the point is that like. as a queer person in a long term relationship, it's really easy for me to look at dan and phil and be sure that they're together. and i don't feel bad, anymore, thinking about that and speculating about it; i think it's ok for lgbt individuals to hope that the people they look up to are like them, and to talk about that hope.

and it would be nice, if dan and phil came out someday. stressful because of the fan reaction, i'm expecting a full meltdown if/when it happens (i'm leaning towards when, i think they want to get married someday).

but for me, i'm already sure. they've already given us so much and they don't owe us anything, we aren't entitled to them disclosing their identities, but i think they've already told us in subtle ways, a hundred times over. so my conscience is clear and my heart is sure, b. i hope yours can be too.

#phan #phandom #den posts #den replies #anon #meta #i have so much more to say about all of this but i tried very hard to keep it consise #*concise #also just in case it needs saying this is so ok to reblog #den thoughts

[linkspooky]

Hide and Saiko: The Terrorists Who Don’t Do Anything

I’ve been suspecting it for a long time, but after this chapter it’s become quite clear.

Both characters are observant of the environment around them, and driven by simple and pure emotions of love. I don’t want to understate how genuine these emotions of love are.

It’s love in both cases, that is their greatest strength and their greatest weakness. 

I know I occasionally float a “Hide might be an ultimate antagonist theory” as a thought exercise but my interpretation of Hide has always been the most boring Hide theory of all, that he really is just somebody who wants to look out for Kaneki no matter what, and his strongest abilities are being a slightly clever and observant kid.

That’s exactly it though, in the realization of Hide as somebody whose in it for Kaneki, not only does the good nature of his character shine, but also his several limitations. This discussion is not to degrade Hide, or Saiko, but rather to render both of them as characters whereas before this point they’ve just kind of floated around in the narrative.

A character needs to have a flaw, in order to have conflict, and then an arc. For all of those people who want to focus on the positives of Hide that’s fine, but his role in the story will always come from his negatives. As if there’s no conflict, there is no story. So for the people who want to see Hide as important, ironically, he has to be flawed in order to be important in the story. 

I think it’s important also that Hide hangs around characters like Amon, Akira, Marude, characters who otherwise are told to the audience they have importance but have yet to be punished narratively for showing a clear flaw and therefore end up doing little to nothing for arcs at a time. It’s my opinion that this arc is there time to shine finally as characters, and therefore be punished as characters. 

The question is then, after spending all this time writing a huge disclaimer about it what exactly do I believe Hide’s flaw to be and how does this connect to Saiko?

“Do I need another reason? He he.”

That is exactly it though, how far exactly has Hide gone for Kaneki? He loves him, so he’s willing to face down Kaneki as a giant red monster in order to try to save him and pry him out of it, yet apparently that love wasn’t strong enough for Hide to do something so simple as tell Kaneki he was alive. 

What Hide says much earlier, is pretty illustrative of his role in things so far.

All Hide has done so far is watch, which is to say he’s acted entirely passively. Even if his intentions were good and wholesome which once again, I believe they are, ultimately his actions amount to nothing. Hide says the reason he went to the Auction was to watch for an opportunity to save Kaneki.

Hide hears at the auction, the sounds of Kaneki being tortured but ultimately does nothing. Other than make a small move in the hopes that somebody else will do something.

Which is where we get the parallel to Saiko, Saiko also hears the sounds of Kaneki screaming from torture over the loudspeakers.

Ultimately though, Saiko does nothing. She hesitates terrified to face Seidou, and yet we see in the same situation that despite the danger from both the CCG and the other members of Aogiri it’s Hinami who moves.

Hinami who remember had the least to gain in this situation. Who was protecting something that did not even remember her anymore as her brother, unlike Saiko who wanted Sasaki to come home safe to her, and Hide who wanted to save Kaneki in this situation.

Utlimately what moves Saiko is not Sasaki’s own pain, but rather the fact that he might leave her. That she might lose her space of refuge in him.

So despite Hide having good enough reasons not to move, the fact that the Washuu were hunting him for one, or that he wasn’t powerful enough to face Seidou on his own it ultimately doesn’t really excuse his inactivity, because we see somebody who did take that risk, and for that fact got punished over and over again for Sasaki’s sake out of pure love for him. Hinami sat in prison for six months because of this selfless decision of hers. Neglected to the point of near insanity and despair. 

Yet ultimately, Hinami is able to do something that Hide and Saiko are incapable of. Confronting Kaneki, which is what happens when he finally comes to see her again.

Which is thematically ultimately what Hide needs to do, not to save Kaneki but rather to confront Kaneki about himself. While Hide’s inactivity did play a role in it, taking the blame for it all and saying that he needed to save Kaneki or make better use of himself is also flipping the exact opposite direction, and not really looking at the situation at face value. 

Hide and Saiko are ultimately characters with good intentions, but their huge fear of confrontation is ultimately what leads them to reinforcing the status quo rather than challenging it.

Hide pretty clearly says the reason why he didn’t want to move was because the Washuu were after him, but Hide also never really took any steps himself against the Washuu, and always relied on other people to move on in his stead. In fact, Hide actually moved against the one person who did a really good job of getting rid of all the Washuu. For the sake of the restoration of the CCG, the thing that every other terrorist group in the manga has been against. 

Which is why it strikes me so odd that Hide and Saiko get referred to as terrorists, because both characters (Hide at least did live on his own for awhile and hide from the law), don’t actually want to break apart the systems that ideally are the one thing terrorists are for.

I mean, Saiko didn’t even show up for the supposed “rebellion” against the CCG that she inspired. She literally slept through it, even though she was the one who was so concerned for Yoriko’s sake she left it entirely up to Urie.

Hide also this arc, showed up not to help Goat fight against the 24th ward raid, but rather to help out Urie, who is somebody he didn’t even know even though he claims his real goal is to be doing all of this out of love for Kaneki. So, Amon and Akira as well, claim that they can be finally motivated to move out of love for Kaneki.

Yet we see scenes in the past where they could have stayed around and helped him, but rather left for their own purposes. So, what exactly is so different now?

Narratively it’s because their back is against the wall, and that is the main flaw. They don’t act, they react. They act with no agency for themselves and therefore only take direct action when someone else acts upon them. 

If somebody punches you in the face, and you punch them back you aren’t the one who started the situation. It’s not a unique character action on your part, most people would react violently if somebody else walked up to them and punched them in the face. 

Therefore there is a clear difference between acting with agency as a character, and simply reacting. Hide and Saiko, and by extension, Akira, Amon and Marude react to this whole situation. They act like they can save Kaneki now, but have little to no self awareness for how they let it get that bad in the first place. It reminds me of “Saved from the Web”.

Saiko temporarily saves Urie, but she doesn’t do anything at all to address the behavior that caused Urie to end up like this in the first place. The next significant arc, we see that Saiko is back to pushing Urie to handle everything on his own because she doesn’t come with him to rebel against Furuta, and we see that’s also the exact same lesson Urie has internalized upon himself. 

Ironically it’s why the chapter is called “Saved from the Web” but we see at the ending, despite Saiko’s actions the web is very much still there. 

So we see again in this arc, characters like Saiko and Hide who still care very deeply for Kaneki but ended up doing effectively nothing to save him from Dragon.

In comparison to Hinami, who was once again able to step up and act at great personal risk and detriment to herself.

She’s the one who ends up totally broken at the end of this arc, while Hide and Saiko are still looking up to things as if there is still hope.

If you take the remake chapter as canon though, it’s also implied that Hide’s fear of confrontation has been a thing with Kaneki since the beginning. The implication is pretty clear here, that he simply watched and let Kaneki go on the date with Rize despite knowing how dangerous it was, because he was afraid of the confrontation otherwise.

So we ultimately have the flaw in their love. Saiko and Hide can have all of the love in the world for Sasaki, but if they’re unwilling to confront him, and only want to love him from afar than their love will never reach him. 

Both characters, who are strong, clever, and observant in their own right, but instead choose to be passive and take orders, or operate almost entirely through others. 

Which means also their own individual characters have not done much, or had much time to shine. If Saiko and Hide want to be able to act on their love though, to save Sasaki and Kaneki, then they have to actually be able to do that. To move on their own volition and not just when things are forcing their backs against a wall to move, and also to actually be able to confront Kaneki, not just face him with 100% accepting love. 

As ultimately, the person they are trying to save Kaneki from now is not V, the Washuu, or even the CCG, but rather his own self. 

Yet I wonder if the characters present around them even have the visual clarity necessary to see that. After all, both Akira and Amon are so persuaded by the thought of Kaneki’s love for Hide, and their own reasoning of wanting to save their friends and yet...

As we’re reminded in Title they’ve completely forgotten about Seidou Takizawa’s existence, their own friend in need of saving. 

If Amon and Akira are the couple in coats in the above panel, (it matches the overcoats they’re wearing here) they’re shown distinctly walking away from both :Re and Seidou himself. 

It’s important to remember that Amon’s already said this sort of thing before.

His entire purpose for those three years was to save Seidou and Kurona, yet when they both save him, Amon completely forgets about them and doesn’t even ask about them when he wakes up. Apparently he wasn’t that concerned for the people he spent three years searching for, once he saved them once.

Now, after running away from Kaneki, once again Amon wants to save him and believes that’s a worthy enough motivation to move. Seidou, thankfully already has a response for this.

Amon waited until Seidou had already killed Houji to save him. Why? We might never know but it’s hard not to suspect that there’s an element of convenience and avoiding confrontation to these timings. Amon picked a point at which he could swoop in and be the hero to Akira, rather than showing up and having to oppose Akira and Houji in order to protect Seidou from them, because they were the ones who were trying to kill him in that situation.

Then there’s Akira and Amon in the current situation as well. They had no interest in helping Kaneki when his goal was to take down the CCG and Furuta for the sake of ghouls, and were happy enough to simply spectate the conflict as if they had nothing to do with it.

However, when it came time to fight Kaneki as a ghoul who was rampaging against humans, a fight where they could conveniently, finally join back with the CCG again one that did not reflect the moral amibiguities that Furuta brought up when he became it’s head, to once again be unambiguous heroes saving Kaneki and Cooperating from the CCG, only then, suddenly do they find the will to move. 

Anyway, I’m repeating myself by this point but I think it’s an important fact to nail down. The love of almost every character in this series is flawed, and despite good intentions the lack of situational and self awareness here in these characters charging in to save Kaneki, is likely only going to make the situation worse. 

Until these characters actually rebel, or move to save Kaneki when there’s actual risk to them and their beliefs, until they start to break the cage, Saiko and Hide, and the rest of Marude’s gang are really only going to be terrorists in name only.

Or perhaps, the terrorists who don’t do anything. 

#tg meta #meta #saiko yonebayashi #hideyoshi nagachika #amon koutarou #akira mado