lonely-journal-keeper
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Closeted Lesbian. You can follow if u want, i basically am just gunna post my random thoughts
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We are number one. We are the original. We are not a clone.
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today has been so stressful i had an interview and a presentation and my heartrate is still raised. on the plus side the cream ive been using to treat the yeast infection on my skin seems to be working
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I want so badly to not care about my weight but I do. I am anti-fatphobia, anti-BMI, anti-calories and so on but still when I saw that the scale said 148.8 lbs my breath caught in my throat and the image of those numbers lives in my head. I haven’t recorded my weight in a year and a half, when it was 143.8, which I know is only 5 lbs less than now, but still it feels bad.
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It’s so so so hard for me to not feel morally superior to other people I feel like I have the correct opinions and people who don’t value the same things as me are just wrong and I don’t know how to solve this.
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This weekend I went to my local anime convention with my best friend, one of our mutual friends who I hadn’t seen in 4 years and the mutual friend’s partner. I spent $200+ on merchandise alone, not to mention transportation, food, and other miscellaneous expenses. I hosted (i.e. pretty much made my friend do all the work but my name was on it) a cosplay meetup group for my current hyperfixation and at least 20 people showed up in cosplay with another 10 or more attending as well. So many people recognized me. I found out one of my fave musicians is going to be opening for the concert I am seeing this summer. I drove on highways and found parking in a pretty stressful environment.
My birthday isn’t technically until next weekend but this was everything I wanted out of my celebration: spending time with my friends and engaging with my fandoms. I can’t believe I have to drop off my friend and then drive back to school tomorrow.
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This is such a little thing but when my ex and I were together they would recommend things like shows, music, movies, etc. and I would pretty much always go and immediately watch/listen to whatever they had recommended. but when I recommended or suggested stuff they made no effort to do it.
When they were excited about their hyperfixations, I encouraged them to infodump, asked questions, and validated their excitement. When I was excited about my hyperfixations they gave one word replies.
When I was involved in a bomb threat at the airport and was telling them about it, they didnt care and just started telling me how I they think I am mad at them and that everyone always leaves them.
When their brother was an asshole I would sit on the phone with them for hours to let them talk it out and comfort them.
I was there for them when they weren’t ever there for me. They didn’t care about me, my problems, my joys. They only cared about me as much as it could help them. Which is why I will not respond to their apologies. I am done being their reassurance when they won’t due the same for me.
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A few days ago my ex texted me for the first time since our break up. The message began with “if you want to block me that’s fine” and was basically just them saying “I know I was a bad partner to you and I’m sorry.” Maybe a kinder person would take this at face value but with everything I know about them, I can’t.
One of the reasons I broke up with them was because they were constantly needing assurance that I wasn’t mad at them and doing things that annoyed me and apologizing for them but then immediately doing them again. That validation seeking behavior felt bad for me. And this apology they sent me feels like another version of that same thing.
I didn’t need an apology. I had basically forgotten they existed. It’s been 3 months since we broke up. Apologies should be given because you feel for the other person, not just because you feel guilty or are looking for sympathy for yourself.
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At my leadership conference and I’m really trying to process some shit. I’ve always known I have low empathy and a hard time understanding why people don’t just have the same values as me but I didn’t realize just how much cognitive dissonance it invokes in me.
For example we had to identify values. I picked justice, knowledge, autonomy, acceptance, and love. Justice in order to make the world a more just place, knowledge to learn and grow, autonomy for the freedom of all people to decide things for themselves, acceptance to understand and acknowledge differences, and community because being amongst people who understand and care about you makes people feel good. All of my values were based on things I want for myself, yes, but moreso things I want for the world. I want to experience justice and I want the world to be a just place. I want to gain knowledge and I think knowledge benefits everyone. Etc. but other people were only picking values based on how the traits would benefit them.
One person I talked to chose something along the lines of: love, family, friendship, self esteem, and inner peace. and logically I know those are valid things to value and put emphasis on. however. yes love is important but it’s such a vague idea that can mean anything. Family and friends are amazing and I think that valuing the importance of deep connective relationships is good! but are you saying you only value your specific friends and family? self esteem is great, we should be kind to ourselves, but is that a value to be put over personal autonomy or equality? inner peace is a good goal to work towards but ultimately it’s a very individualized thing that only benefits you. It just felt very individualistic and… not selfish but also putting the needs of the self over the needs of the many.
As a utilitarian and someone invested in making the world a better place, this is unfathomable to me. My own needs and desires are important, bc I am a part of the collective who deserves happiness and respect but I am fundamentally a part of a collective, whether that be a student body or a member of a society or a humanbeing. I cannot and will not just center myself.
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My dad has worms which means it’s everyone’s problem now
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I had signed up for a winter break class, but I will have to miss a week to go to my leadership conference. The winter break classes are already fast paced accelerated courses shortened from an entire 16 week semester to 4 weeks, so if I try to take this winter break class I will be doing all the course work of a 16 week class in only 3 weeks. That’s more than 5x faster than a normal semester.
I really don’t want to do that much work in that short of a time. I feel like it’s bad that I don’t want to do that much work in that short of a time, like it means somethings wrong with me bc usually I love stuff like that but it just feels overwhelming rn. Could that be because it’s 12:35am as I am writing this? Sure. Could it also be because I have 2 cosplays to finish, a study abroad program to apply to, a leadership conference, a tax form to figure out, and a bill to fight with my school over, all during the same 4 weeks of my class? Probably doesn’t help!
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Today my mom made me go out because I hadn’t even gotten dressed since I got home from school last week. But like. why would I leave my house what is there to do? I have only one person here im vaguely friends with, it’s too cold to do anything outdoors, every store is crowded with Christmas shoppers, like I don’t know it just doesn’t feel worth it? It’s not like I’m staying inside all break either Im going to florida next week and then in January I have a week long leadership conference thing,
I get why she’s encouraging me to leave the house but it does also serve as a reminder that I don’t really have a community in the town I’ve spent the majority of my life in.
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It’s really difficult to balance the seemingly contradictory ideas of “taking breaks and engaging in self care is productive because it prevents burnout and overwhelming emotions” and “I need to get this done by the deadline and work as hard as possible to do as well as I can”
This is the last week this semester where I have regular classes on top of finals prep and it’s definitely getting to me. I’ve got a group project which is due next week but no one else has even started on, and a source summary assignment due Friday night.
The group project, if the rest of my group bothers to work on it, shouldn’t be a big deal. The summary project, though, is pretty much just there to prove to the professor that we read our sources which feels unnecessary when I could be using that time for other parts of the larger assignment it is a part of.
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The fact that there is so little research and data out there about the intersection between gender and disability in the American public schools is actually horrifying to me. This is an issue that’s affected me and my friends and yet no one’s talking about it, no one’s doing the research. Why not?
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2 months since my break up and I am officially back to yearning.
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Happy daylight savings my fucking AC is broken
#it’s 5:23 am I’ve been up since 3am#well actually I did 4am twice I didn’t experience 3am#but that was the equivalent time#life updates#11/5/23
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People who prefer numbers over words like to tell me it’s because numbers make sense, that they have order and logic and systems in place that work every time. But that’s how I feel about words.
Numbers are infinite, complex things. Sin and cosin, negatives and irrational numbers, radicals and formulas and on and on. There’s too much going on there, too many variables and ways numbers can be organized to make equations.
But words are simple. There’s 26 letters, each with their own sounds and rules. Grammar is always the same, once you understand the basics. Stories follow narrative structures. Once you understand the basics you are set for life. Words are easy, they come naturally from such a young age for most people, as opposed to numbers which need to be painstakingly taught to people so they understand. And still a lot of people don’t get them.
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The asexual desire for sex without actually being sexually attracted to anyone… annoying as hell.
#I wish I was being [redacted] right now. but I don’t feel sexual attraction towards people easily#11/2/23#sexuality stuff
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