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smaximoff · 3 years

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you missed my heart

'down river from the moundsville prison graveyard.'

au where sirius died in azkaban while trying to escape and remus gets the news.

cw; talk of death, sad remus, angst, one swear word.

1828 words.

remus awoke with the crack and pop of his aching bones as he rose to sit on the edge of his bed. scarred hands of his own run over his face in an attempt to awaken his tired mind. his bedroom was cold, windows that probably needed replacing well before he moved in and cracks down the spines of the off-white walls. remus didn't mind though, he always ran hot. leading him to have the calming hum of the old fan he pulls out the dirty attic running well into october.

he rose to his shaky legs with a sigh, dusty floorboard littered with clothes he had yet to put in the hamper creaking under his feet. the kitchen was small and dim, cabinets that still shocked him with their wails when they were pulled open, an oven that he was convinced would blow up on him any day now alongside an off-white fridge that had a blinking light that bugged him whenever he opened to door.

he made his tea in silence, something he had become more used to as time moved on. it was an adjustment, to say the least. him used to the sound of loud chatter echoing through the dorms right up to sirius' booming laughter and the scratch of his scuffed records. it was a contrast to where he was now. a house falling apart around him, suffocating him in its brittle walls, he was used to life. red walls painted with pride, joyful laughter and study sessions. he was used to people always being there. sharing a room with three boys, always having company whatever the day or time but now he was alone. stirring his tea with his only teaspoon and eating some melancholy porridge that he picked up at the market.

it was a few hours later that remus saw an owl fly towards his house. he was applying for every job he could find, employment being taken from beneath him every time they caught on with the full-moon cycle. the owl didn't stick around long, dropping the letter through the mail and flying off into the foggy sky with ease.

remus wasn't expecting a lot. maybe some marketing agency that had somehow got his address, maybe a howler from someone who knew about his illness, he was getting a lot more of them these days. best case scenario would be some word on harry. maybe his begging to dumbledore to let him now see the nine-year-old boy finally paid off.

what remus was not expecting was a crisp white envelop with azkaban prison written in bold print on the front. his scratched hands shook as he delicately picked up the note. he wanted to chase down the owl in that moment, demand the poor bird for it to take it back. he didn't want it, he didn't want the memories and pain that came with it. he didn't want to think of him.

remus' new tea had gone cold by the time he was sat back on his stacked desk, his sixth tea, the chair scraped along the scuffed floor as he dragged it closer to the desk. he set the letter down with a shaky breath and just stared at it.

he thought of all the possibilities that could be held within that small envelope. maybe he's been given a trial, maybe they're changing his sentence, maybe he's finally gone mad, maybe he wants to see me.

there were so many 'maybes' so many possibilities but no answers until he could finally slow his breathing and crack the black wax seal holding the secrets. it took around five minutes. the anticipation eating him alive as he shook his leg and he bit around the torn flesh surrounding his nails.

the words written in bold black ink at the top of the page made the air in his lungs escape with one choked gasp.

DEATH NOTICE.

his vision spun as his eyes trailed further down the page, trying to take in as much of the letter without making it real. because if he took it in, then it was real. he didn't want it to be real. please don't be real.

dear mr lupin,

we regret to inform you that on november the third, this year. prisoner 390, sirius black passed away while attempting to escape azkaban prison facilities.

we give sympathy for your loss and invite you to visit azkaban's graveyard this saturday to pay your respect to mr black. we hope you will act upon this opportunity and use it to find peace. please owl your decision as soon as convenient.

we once again give our condolences,

azkaban prison.

nothing felt real as remus placed the letter upon his desk and boiled the kettle again. his body didn't feel like his own as the kettle wailed, maybe it was him wailing?

sirius. sirius was dead. he can never come home. not even his lifeless corpse that remus was certain would not look like that man he was all those years ago. they buried him on a prison island, labelled his death note with his prison number and called it a day.

but he was a murder.

he murdered his best friend, his brother. left his child an orphan and then went to prison. where he died. it was karma, a justice served. sirius black, a worker for him-who-shall-not-be-named and murder of innocent muggles. that was who he was to the world. he wasn't the man whose eyeliner would change every day or who had to spend at least twenty minutes on his hair. he wasn't the boy who called his favourite professor minnie and accepted her biscuits and tea with so much kindness or the boy who would sing happy birthday for every meal. he was a murder. he deserved this.

remus knew this. he had spent his every waking hour learning to accept this. that sirius black was no longer the boy he knew, the boy he loved. but still, he couldn't lose that thought of maybe he was innocent, not everything adds up.

but that was then, and today, he was signing his notice to visit his grave.

saturday approached quickly. they didn't give much notice, him only getting the owl on monday. they had sent a boat out, a small wooden one that steered itself. he sat in a pitiful silence as the oars moved without any human contact, steering him towards the tower. at that moment he could see why sirius would want to escape. the bone-chilling feeling it brought as it sucked all the life right from you. it was horrifyingly miserable.

it was even worse when he got off the boat. dementors flew the grounds, it felt like their soulless eyes were watching him as he was escorted through the countless security checks to finally reach the overgrown graveyard.

it was nothing like james or lilys, nor any of their other friends they had lost. this one was cold, colder than any of the others. grass and weeds up to his ankles from the neglect and the basic concrete stones paced with almost no care. no one cared.

"did he have to be buried here?" remus finds himself asking the poor man who was walking him through. he did not understand how anyone could work here. just the twenty minutes here alone felt like enough for a lifetime.

"nowhere else to put him sir, would take too long to put arrangements into place." the man said. remus couldn't even react. even with all sirius had done, he was still someone's sirius. he was his sirius.

the walk through the yard was a painful one. his body hurting even more than after a full moon. soon he found him at another piece of concrete. identical to the one next to him. just this time it had sirius' name and birthdate etched into it instead of the body next to him.

i was meant to be buried next to him.

the man left quickly, scurrying off too afar to wait for remus to say whatever he was meant to say. what was he meant to say?

was this goodbye? was it the last time he would be in the presence of sirius' body, even if it was six feet under? even with all the anger he held towards the man, all the tears and all the screams, he didn't want to say goodbye.

the silence was awkward. even if it was only him. he still felt the need to speak, fill the air in hopes sirius could somehow hear him. wherever he was.

so he spoke about the times, the times he missed. the love they shared through school and in the short grace period after. he spoke about harry and the small amount of contact he has had with the boy over these years. he talked about school and how minnie still had him over for biscuits and tea once in a while and how she still had their group photo hung on her office wall.

even with the atmosphere of the place, that was the happiest moment he had had with sirius black in years.

but then he was angry. he spoke about how they ended up here. how years ago azkaban seemed too impossible, such a nightmare. how a prison graveyard would have been the thing they were least imagining.

"jesus sirius, how the fuck did you manage this?"

he cried as their time came to an end. wanting to crawl under the dirt and forgive his past lovers sins and stay there with him forever. he hoped that in some afterlife they could all forgive each over, be one again, be the marauders. in a world without war, without hurt, just them. all of them.

but in that moment all he could do was miss his heart. miss his good, miss the sound as it pumping as he laid upon his chest because right now he was saying his last goodbyes. kissing the stone like it was his lips, begging for him to rewind time. come back, please.

the poor worker looked spooked as he came to tell him he had to leave. remus', wild teary eyes wanted to beg for five more minutes. but he knew it was no good. no amount of begging would let him stay. let him take sirius home.

so with the crack of his bones, he stood from the knees he had fallen down to. hands wiping his tears. hands he wished were sirius', as he spared the miserable stone one final look.

"goodbye, my love."

when he returned home that evening with tear-stained cheeks and shaky limbs. he dropped to his knees as soon as he stepped through his scuffed door. screaming to whoever could hear him from above how it was so unfair. so unfair that he was the one left. how it was some cruel, sick joke that he had to stay. he had to have his body ripped apart every month. please, let me go with them.

let me come home.

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smaximoff · 3 years

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funeral

'jesus christ, im so blue all the time'

remus dealing with the loss of his best friends, and lover.

remus was accustomed to the feeling of 'blue.' that's what everyone called it. it sounded better than aching sorrow but worse than sad. blue. blue was a pretty colour. james had blue eyes. blue eyes that had closed for the last time a few nights before. blue eyes that were soon being put six feet under. next to his mother, next to his wife.

remus loved james eyes, sirius would always tell him that he had pretty eyes, eyes that looked like home but james had eyes that sparkled. so much hope, so much joy, so much life.

so much life ahead of him, he should of had so many more days, many more years.

remus never imagined to be burying his best friends. he always had those dreams, the ones where he would awake to sirius gently shaking him out of his sleep as he shook and cried. dreams of the pain he had faced and the pain he was afraid to face.

he dreamt that he would be first.

out of all his friends, out of the ones he called family, he was almost certian that one day his body would finally sub-come to the pain and he would be the one they would be burying. not marlene, not dorcas, not james, not lilly. him.

the service was nice. people who had known them through the years spoke a few words, minnie stood with teary eyes as she talked about how much of a pain james had been and remus shared stories of the couples lives and how they were his best friends. he tried to imagine that the situation was different, some wacky scenario that they were at the pub and some muggle had asked him "jesus, you went to boarding school? you rich or you smart?"

he wondered what would happen to harry, the boy who looked just like his father but he didn't have his blue eyes, he had his mothers. and merlin, lily had pretty eyes. dumbledore said he would be fine, lilys sister was nice enough to take care of the boy. he struggled to believe him, he also said that they would be okay, that james and lily going off on their own was a good thing. the only way to keep them safe. he thought of how sirius was meant to look after harry. how he was his godfather. not petunia. not vernon. sirius. then he reminds himself that it's sirius' fault that theyre all gathered here in this cold, small graveyard. the small wooden boxes holding their best friends was sirius' fault. he cant look after harry if he betrayed his father. killed his father. the person sirius called his brother.

the week after the funeral was the worst. a few too many pints at the club, stumbling stories to randoms about his friends, "oh i love my friends, they're my family!" they would ask where they was after the third story, fed up off the man who needed a glass of water and a good nine hours. remus would freeze, every time. no matter how many times he had this conversation in a night, he would freeze up.

"theyre dead."

the morning after was even worse. he would wake up in his car, sun beating down on his sick body. he would feel sorry for himself. embarrassed that he had spent hours screaming at sirius as he stumbled down the pavement, strangers telling him that no one was there. sirius isnt here. he would feel sorry for himself then too, until the bone crushing realisation that someone's kid is dead washed over him.

remus used to love the colour blue, but when it was all he felt, merlin. did he get sick of it.

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smaximoff · 3 years

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marauders masterlist

remus lupin

funeral

remus dealing with the loss of his best friends, and lover

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smaximoff · 3 years

Text

MASTERLISTS

WOLFSTAR MASTERLIST

MARAUDERS

MARVEL

#masterlist #wolfstar #marvel #marauders

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smaximoff · 3 years

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wolfstar masterlist

stay, im not ready. please

remus watching the love of his life slip away from him once again.

wolfstar based of off songs.

you missed my heart

au were sirius dies trying to escape azkaban and remus gets the news

#wolfstar #remus x sirius #masterlist #marauders #sirius black #remus lupin #angst #wolfstar angst

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smaximoff · 3 years

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stay, im not ready. please | s.b + r.l

remus watching the love of his life slip from him once again

pain was custom.

some people were built for it. built for the scratching and shredding of skin. with the tug and pulls of heart strings as the mind melts into nothing but despair. over and over.

but everyone has a breaking point. a point where the heart finally snaps in two, ripping the chest apart with it with a horrifying cry.

remus john lupin has had his skin torn and his bones bent in every direction possible. and every time he got up, the wounds painful and raw. but he got up.

this time it felt like he was going to be down forever. his scarred arms wrapped around his best friends orphaned son as he screamed, as his heart broke.

his eyes locked with sirius, the man who kissed the wounds in an attempt to take away the soaring pain with all his love. the man who loved him with all he had, and who he had done the same. he looked at him and begged silently, begged him to stay, im not ready. please.

but he knew no matter how much he begged, no matter if he joined the boy with his heart wrenching sobs, he would never awake again to the pats of heavy platform shoes or the scratched sound of an overused record. because that was over, it was so much easier when we were kids, oh merlin let me be young again.

his eyes were still locked as sirius lost his gaze. he begged for time to be rewound a few seconds. please look at me again, this cant be the last time. but it was, his battered body that he wanted to love every inch of again was pulled away from his view and into somewhere he could never enter.

he contemplated joining him, running into the icy grey portal that had just ripped away his heart. but the sobbing boy in his arms kept him anchored like a boat, unable to move, just sway and rot.

but for now he had to stay, he had to pick himself up one more time, one more time and you can lay and never move again. because harry needed him, james and lily needed harry to need him. and for them, and for sirius he would get up one more time.

#wolfstar #remus x sirius #angst #wolfstar sad #sad wolfstar #remus lupin #remus loves sirius #sirius black #sirius black death #harry potter #marauders #wolfstar angst #im so sorry #remus’ pov #Spotify

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