you dont realize how integrated something is into who you are, until you no longer have it
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everyone always asks "if you could tell your younger self something, what would you say?", ive always answered "i dont know, probably hey dont be friends with this person" but i think thats just my answer to pacify people.
my real answer would be "break yourself before they break you. they cant hurt you if theres nothing for them to hurt. build a wall around your heart and mind. and let no one in."
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In every person who has come into my life, has left with pieces of me. Some sharp, having been broken by others. Some with jagged but soft edges. Some stolen from me. Others perfectly rounded and shaped, cut out and given to them by me. But the question is, do I regrow the old pieces? Or have I been growing new ones?
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i told you we needed to play the long game
you told me the distance might be too much for me
in the end
it was you who couldn't handle things
you couldn't handle the long game or the distance
we weren't even official yet
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how are you the most amazing person in the whole world, but live so far away from me?
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you are, genuinely, the worst person ive ever met.
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i saw you again. on accident.
seeing your face, hearing your voice, brought back all of the memories ive tried so hard to bury.
all the good ones made me want to run to you and hug you.
all the bad ones made me want to cry and run away. made me want to stab you. hurt you the way it felt when you hurt me.
instead i left and cried and had a panic attack outside.
the day when i can look at your face, hear your voice, hear your name, and not have any reaction, will be the best day of my life.
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i dream of a day in which i can look upon your face once more
and instead of feeling rage and longing
i feel nothing at all
i feel peace within myself knowing,
knowing that you affect me none so more
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you came bursting into my life, overfilling me with joy and love and happiness. and you stayed for a while, i didnt know why. then you started to change. you ripped my happiness away, started taking your love back, destroying my joy. i gave you every part of me. my heart, my soul, my tears, my memories, my mind. i let you hurt me, break me, abuse me, use me. i let you do all of that with no complaint for months. and all i did was love you unconditionally. until i couldnt handle it anymore. i snapped. i yelled at you. i argued with you. i called you out. but you didnt like that. you hated the fact i wasnt begging for your attention anymore. you hated that i didnt give you my all anymore. you hated how you became barely a thought to me anymore. you hated that i began treating you the way you treated me. so you left. and took my heart with you. you ripped ny soul to shreds, stomped all over my heart, destroyed my mind. and you walked away like i was nothing. like we meant nothing. and i still dont know what i did to make you hate me so much.
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