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ix. like the sun || all my love

“He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.” - Anna Karenina; Leo Tolstoy

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x f!Reader Summary: ynsteve go on a date. well they do date things. but it's not a date. it's really not. Warnings: food mentions, Christmas mention in august(?) (i know not everyone celebrates it, but i was inspired by many hallmark movies and dash&lily on netflix) Word Count: 4.3k A/N: sorry i've been gone... but big news! I'm moving to south korea next week! crazy, i know.

previous chapter || back to library || next chapter

It wasn’t long before the colorful November breezes slipped into an unforgiving winter, the icy bite of the cold dulled down only by the warm glow of lights hung on every tree and paper cups filled with hot chocolate. Arguably, it was the best time of the year. Arguably, it was also the worst.

“So why couldn’t you walk yourself to the cafe that’s two blocks from our house?” The annoyed voice who sat beside you asked. He leaned forward towards the wheel, trying his best to see through the foggy windshield.

You rolled your eyes at his question, gesturing to the frosty weather outside. “It’s literally freezing,” you retorted. “And you think I would willingly choose to brave the cold when I have you and you have a car and a heater?”

Bucky relented with a sigh. “I guess you have a point,” he glanced quickly at your bundled up figure in the passenger’s seat. “Speaking of, are you warm enough?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed, popping up the collar of your coat. “I put on nearly every sweater I have in my closet.”

He let out a laugh beside you as he turned into the parking lot of the cafe and pulled into a spot near the entrance. “Will you need a ride home?” he asked before unlocking the car doors.

You shook your head no. “I think me and Steve and Wanda have plans, so Steve said he’d come pick me up later. I’ll see you at home,” you replied before shutting the door, nearly missing the hint of disappointment on Bucky’s face as you did.

“Wait,” you heard him call behind you before you made it any farther. You walked back to the passenger’s side window which was now rolled down, Bucky’s cheeks turning pink as the cold entered the car. “Take this, I heard tonight’s going to be windy.” He pulled off his scarf and handed it to you before waving goodbye. You couldn’t help but smile at his gesture and pulled the scarf on a bit higher to hide the blush that crept onto your cheeks as you watched him drive away. You made sure to note the smell of his cologne that lingered on the soft fabric as you walked toward the entrance.

As you opened up the door into the cafe, you were immediately greeted by the warm and familiar smell of baked goods and coffee with the chime of the bell. Although it seemed a little more crowded than usual, with people ordering their hot drinks to take with them on their holiday shopping, a friendly wave caught your attention and you were relieved to see Wanda had found a table.

She immediately greeted you with a grin and stood up to welcome you with a hug before sitting down across from you. “I got you some tea,” she gestured to the steaming mug in front of you. “I wasn’t sure what kind, but when I told them your name they told me they knew your order.” She raised an eyebrow at you as she took a sip from her own mug.

You couldn’t help the warmth that crept up your cheeks. “Yeah,” you confirmed. “Me and Bucky are regulars here,” you explained.

“You and Bucky, huh?” Wanda teased. “How is that by the way? I feel like you haven’t talked about him as much lately.”

“It’s… good,” you replied, rubbing the back of your neck. “It’s just weird to talk about him around Steve. After that night my dad came to visit, he gets so visibly uncomfortable if I even mention Bucky. So I just don’t.”

Wanda hummed as she processed your thoughts. “I wish I could tell you more, but it’s not my place,” she apologized.

“Yeah,” you sighed. “I get it. I just wish he would talk to me. We used to never keep secrets from each other, but now it feels like that’s all there is between us.”

“Look,” Wanda began with a gentle voice. “I know I told you I was hanging out with you and Steve today… but I’m not.”

“What? Why not?” you asked in surprise. “We always go Christmas shopping together.”

Wanda looked down at her mug, feeling apologetic for not coming along. “I think it’s better if I sit this one out,” she answered. “We can go together some other time this week, but I think you and Steve should hang out today.”

Before you could protest against Wanda’s suggestion, a quiet series of pings on her phone drew both your attention to new messages from Steve.

“Well?” you pushed Wanda who kept looking back and forth between you and the phone, unsure of whether or not she should check it. “What did he say?”

She grabbed the phone and read the messages before looking back up at you with a rueful smile and standing up to grab her coat that was hung on the back of her chair. “I guess that’s my cue to leave,” she gave you a tight hug before pulling away to hold both your shoulders. “Remember, I said nothing, and uh… you two have fun. Tell Steve I said he’s a dumbass.” And with that last sentiment, she headed for the door, her mug of coffee still full and pastry uneaten. However, it wasn’t long before the door chimed once again, and a bundled up Steve walked in with a scarf pulled up in an attempt to shield his now rosy cheeks from the brisk wind outside.

Steve scanned around the coffee shop until he saw your figure at the table and a warm smile of relief found its way onto his face. In less than five minutes, your previous coffee date was replaced by Steve, who sat down in Wanda’s place and immediately took a sip out of the mug she had left behind. He let out a scowl of disgust as the taste hit him and you couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

“What’s wrong?” you asked playfully.

“Wanda ordered me a black coffee,” he explained. As if on cue, his phone chimed with a message from Wanda. “She said I didn’t deserve any sugar in my coffee because I’m a dumbass.” Steve rolled his eyes at the message before setting down his phone.

“Right,” you mused. “She did ask me to let you know that you are indeed a dumbass. But why specifically is she calling you one today?”

Steve looked away and you swear you could see his ever-present smile falter just a little bit before he answered. “Oh, you know… just Wanda being Wanda.” Although the answer wasn’t enough to pacify you, you figured Steve would tell you when he was ready so instead you changed the subject, curious about his life in the last few weeks since you’ve seen him.

“I feel like we haven’t hung out in ages,” you complained, taking a sip from your own mug.

“We really haven’t,” Steve agreed. “That’s why I planned today.” The giddy smile on his face piqued your curiosity and had you wondering what he was up to.

“Oh?” you mused. “Planned, you say?”

Steve reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of notebook paper, which looked like it had been crumpled and folded many times in his front pocket, and laid it out in between both of you on the table. On the paper was a numbered list of various activities, most of which you recognized as things you and Steve had always wanted to do during the holidays. The last item on the list caught your eye.

“Letters to Santa?” you questioned with a smile. Steve nodded as he pulled the list back from you, folding it along the well marked creases and returning it to his pocket.

“Duh,” he smiled. “What kind of holiday outing would it be without letters to Santa? So should we get started?”

Usually, most people hate being in the mall around this time of year. The oversaturation of advertisements in every shop window, the mass of terrible drivers trying to weave through overfilled parking lots, and the hoards of people that filled the halls were enough to ruin the holiday spirit. But today, the mid-morning was filled with the smell of pine and gingerbread and the sound of popular holiday music over the speakers and you were glad to be here with Steve.

“Who’s the first person on the list?” Steve asked, looking over as you began to list down names of people to buy gifts for on your phone.

“Wanda,” you replied. “She told me she didn’t want anything, but I wanted to get her something funny.”

Steve hummed thoughtfully as he paused in front of an eclectic looking gift shop. “What about one of those?” He pointed eagerly at a pair of slippers shaped like rubber fish and you swatted at him, trying to hold back your own laughter. “Come on, it’s good right?”

You rolled your eyes before walking into the store to make your purchase. Wanda would hate it, but she would also love it. Gifts to Wanda were always easy, as your goal in mind was always to get a laugh out of her. The other people on your list however, your newfound friends through Bucky, were much more difficult to pick for, until Steve assured you that similar to Wanda, laughter was the way to go.

At the mall food court with full shopping bags filling the empty seats beside you, you and Steve found yourselves taking a well-deserved lunch break after all your shopping. As you sat together eating your food, you began to check your list, noting that there were only two names left: Steve and Bucky.

“What do you want for Christmas, Steve?” you asked. Unlike Wanda, Steve was a little bit more difficult to buy gifts for. He was one of those people who were happy with anything, so you felt an even bigger need to constantly surprise him. However, after the last few months, you found it even more difficult to decide what to get him.

Expecting him to reply with his typical answer, “I’ll be happy with anything you give me,” you were surprised when he answered you directly. “A picture frame,” he answered decisively.

“A picture frame?” You echoed in surprise. “That’s it? Why?” Steve let out a chuckle at the confused look on your face.

“Why not?” He shrugged. “I’m feeling sentimental, I suppose.”

You nodded in acknowledgement as you thought about what to do next. “Let’s go to an antique store,” you suggested.

“An antique store?” Steve questioned. “For a picture frame?”

You nodded in reply as you explained to him. “I feel like getting a used picture frame is a lot more sentimental than just grabbing one from a random store, don’t you think?” You looked at the thoughtful look on his face as you continued. “It’s used, but in the best way. Someone else’s memories were in there before. It’s like you’re adding to the history.”

“Hmm,” he mused. “Antique store it is.”

You don’t know how long you spent in the nearby antique store looking at knick-knacks and the like before you finally found the perfect frame for Steve – a beautifully ornate and embellished gold picture frame. “I feel bad that you know your gift from me,” you said as you put the frame into the basket you were holding. “It’s not a surprise anymore.”

“That’s not completely true,” Steve disagreed. “You don’t know what I’m gonna put inside it.” You nodded with a pout, relenting to his logic. “It’ll be a surprise… for you mostly. The frame is for me, but the real gift is your reaction to what I’ll frame.” He gave you a playful nudge as the two of you lazily wandered through the aisles towards the cash register.

As you walked through the shelves of mismatched knick-knacks and books, the glint of gold embellishment hidden behind a collection of postcards caught your eye, making you come to a pause to check it out. You reached out to feel that the glimmering gold was embedded on a book and as you pulled it out, a small gasp escaped your lips. You had found the perfect gift for Bucky.

Happy with your purchases, you and Steve happily made your way to the next stop on your bucket list – ice skating. It was one of the things you had always wanted to do with Steve and Wanda, but Steve always argued against it, believing that he was too clumsy to learn how to ice skate. Honestly, you were surprised that he agreed to it even now.

“I thought you were deathly afraid of ice skating?” You questioned as the two of you sat down on the bench to put your ice skates on. You looked over at him expecting to see him with fear in his eyes but you were surprised to see nothing but a smug smirk on his eyes as he finished tying up his laces.

“I am,” he confessed. “But what’s the point of life if you don’t do something terrifying every once in a while?” Honestly, it sounded as though he was trying to convince himself more than you.

“Huh,” you mused as you nodded at his response. “That’s a fresh take coming from someone who refuses to go to a haunted house with me.”

“I can’t be completely predictable all the time,” he laughed as he grabbed onto the bar on the wall to help himself up. “Let’s go?” He reached out his hand and helped you up, not letting go as the two of you made it onto the slick ice.

Ice skating was all the fun you imagined it would be, even with all the laughs, falls, and bruises. Once the two of you managed to get the hang of it, you found yourself gliding slowly across the ice with Steve still holding onto you for dear life. The sun was beginning to set, and the sky was painted with pinks and oranges, a glimpse of warmth before the day slipped into a frosty indigo. This is… nice, you found yourself thinking. Bucky would enjoy this. Before you realized it, a sigh escaped your lips.

You looked up at Steve who had his eyes trained on the falling sun and seemed preoccupied with his own thoughts. For the first time in the many years you’ve been friends, you couldn’t help but feel how far away he felt, even though he was right next to you.

“Steve?” you asked quietly, unsure of what you were even about to ask.

“Hmm?” he responded with a hum, his blue eyes still trained on the horizon. When you didn’t respond immediately, he looked down at you in concern. “You okay?”

You smiled and nodded before looking away from him. There are some walls that don’t need to be torn down with force, you decided. No matter how tall, all walls will eventually crumble and fall on their own, but until that happens, you would be sitting on that wall with a bird’s eye view of the sunset. The wall will fall, but in its own time.

So instead, you pulled Steve for one last lap, egging him on for a race.

Once the sun had set and after a much needed hot chocolate break, Steve led you to a nearby village made of small houses made of plastic and warm Christmas lights, with very tall elves offering cookies every few feet.

“Welcome to the North Pole,” a cheerful elf greeted the two of you as you walked under the canopy of red and green lights. “Santa’s workshop is just straight ahead, the North Pole office to your left on Gum Drop Lane and the Sugar Plum Cafe on your right. Happy holiday!”

The two of you thanked the elf and walked down the streets, covered in fake snow and giant pieces of plastic candy. “Wow I can’t believe this has been in our city this whole time and we’ve never been here.”

Steve shrugged as he waved back at an elf. “Well I mean to be fair, this place is literally designed for small children.”

“We can be small children for a day,” you suggested as you looked up at the tall boy who raised an eyebrow at you. “Or relatively large children I suppose.” Steve chuckled as he playfully shoved you before pointing at a nearby building.

“Well, I did promise that we would write letters to Santa,” he said as he extended his arm to usher you towards the building.

Inside, the building, which was more of a small room, was designed to look like a cozy log cabin with decorations and giant stamps and ribbons lining the walls. Throughout the room, many tables were set up with various types of stationery paper, pens, markers, crayons, stamps, and envelopes and kids could be seen at each table excited to write out their lists for Santa. An elf walked up to you and Steve to explain how everything works.

“So you write your letter here, and usually we deliver them to Santa for you, but on this special occasion, you’ll be allowed to deliver them to Santa yourself,” you didn’t miss the wink the elf sent to Steve or the way he sheepishly rubbed at the back of his neck.

“Oh?” you asked in amusement. “Special occasion, huh?” You nudged at Steve who coughed in reply. The elf took her leave after escorting the two of you to an empty table. Once out of earshot, you immediately let out your laughter. “What did you tell the elves?”

“I told them I was going to propose tonight,” he looked down with a chuckle. “I thought it would be more special if we could give them to Santa ourselves, but they said that was only part of the proposal package.”

You laughed at his confession. “Proposal package? Who knew the North Pole was so commercialized?” Steve rolled his eyes as he slid a piece of paper in front of you to change the subject.

“Write your letter or whatever,” he nagged. You grabbed a bright marker and turned slightly away from Steve, feigning an excessive need for privacy as you wrote down your list of Christmas wishes.

Dear Santa,

I feel like I’m too old to be writing this letter, but why not? It’s been a while since I’ve done this, so pardon me if I’m a bit rusty but here goes…

For Christmas, what I want more than anything else this year is… is… This is a lot harder than it was when I was 5 years old. I guess that’s why grown-ups don’t write to you as much huh? What else is there to wish for? I wish for my friends to have a good year, mostly. I think that’s really it. I wish for Bucky to like the gift I got him. (Sorry I know that’s your job)

Also I wish for a new journal and new books. Thanks Santa!

By the time you had finished writing your letter, you were surprised to see Steve still writing furiously on his piece of paper. You had to admit you were curious about how he could possibly be writing so much, but you didn’t want to disrupt his flow. It wasn’t until you heard the sound of someone obnoxiously clearing their throat that both you and Steve turned around to see a precocious 5 year old looking at him with disappointment.

“Are you done?” He asked with an unimpressed look. “At this rate, Santa will be on his way to Brazil before I get my letter done, old man.” Steve rolled his eyes at the kid as he knelt down with a wry smile.

“I have one more sentence, kiddo,” he said with the fakest smile he could muster. “And you better watch how you talk to adults before you end up on the naughty list next year.” You watched the child scoff and roll his eyes and you couldn’t help but laugh as Steve exaggeratedly finished up his letter before putting it in an envelope. You grabbed his arm and pulled him away before he could cause a scene.

“Come on old man,” you teased Steve. “Let’s go see Santa.”

Upon entering Santa’s workshop, you were happy to see that the line wasn’t very long and it was only a short amount of time before you found yourselves being escorted up to Santa by an elf. “Santa, these two have chosen to deliver their letters to you personally.”

“Oh?” Santa replied before taking your letters from the two of you. “Let’s see what we have then.” He opened Steve’s first as the elf pulled the two of you off to the side.

“While Santa’s reading your letters, you can go ahead and take pictures with the Nutcrackers and Gingerbread men.” You looked over to Steve who nodded in response as the two of you got settled in the photo area to pose with people dressed in elaborate costumes. The elf taking the pictures offered each of you a copy.

“These are so cute,” you mused aloud. As you looked up, you realized Steve had left you and was back with Santa. It wasn’t long before he returned to you with a smile.

“Santa says it’s your turn,” he called to you.

The jolly old man greeted you with a smile as he handed you an envelope. “Oh, I thought you keep the letters,” you questioned.

“I do,” Santa nodded. “But this letter is for you.” You looked at him quizzingly before taking the envelope from him. It was, indeed, addressed to you. Before you could open it however, Santa put his hand over yours on the envelope, stopping you in your tracks. “It was requested that you don’t open this until you get home.”

Before you could question the request, Steve’s voice came from behind you. “You ready to go?”

Not long after that, you found yourself unlocking the front door to the Jeon home, the whole car ride passing in a blur as you pondered the contents of the letter the entire time.

"Welcome home," you heard Bucky call from the kitchen. "How was your date?" He asked quietly.

"Hmm?" You replied, not fully processing his question, still lost in thought. "It was fine." Unable to think about anything else, you rushed up to your bedroom. In the privacy of your comforter, you pulled the letter back out and took a deep breath before opening up the envelope.

To the girl who makes the sun feel like the moon,

I know what you’re thinking.

“This is supposed to be a letter to Santa,” and you’re right. Sort of. I wrote Santa a letter asking him to give this to you, and if you’re reading this right now, it means I was definitely on Santa’s nice list. (Which obviously, how could I not be, I’m kind of amazing. That made you laugh didn’t it?)

Anyway, I wrote this letter to say thank you. Not just for spending today with me, but for spending nearly every today with me since that day on the playground. You’ve spent every today with me and I’ve spent every today hoping to see you tomorrow. Is that too cliche? I’ve honestly been thinking for a few weeks how to say what I want to say… words are really hard to put together you know? I know I’m usually the one who talks too much too fast, but for once… I’m blanking. You know what? There’s no better way to say it than to say it.

I love you. I always have, I think.

If you paused after reading that, it’s okay. I had to pause after writing it. You might be wondering, “Why are you saying this to me now?” And that’s a good question. Why now? I guess it’s easier to say something to someone when they can’t say anything back. I understand now why you picked a letter to tell Bucky your feelings… this is so much less scary than saying it in person. I’m sorry. I just don’t think I could stand to see the look on your face when I tell you I’m leaving.

Yeah… I’m moving to France next month. Early admission to a fancy art school. Crazy right? I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. But this was something I needed to figure out on my own. Looking back on our whole friendship, I’ve been depending on you to save me from everything I couldn’t face myself. I’ve been holding onto your hand, clinging to it, afraid that if I let go… that I would fall without you or that you would walk away. But now… I think it’s time for me to let go and trust that you’ll still stand by me even if I fall.

You can thank Wanda for that one. She’s wise beyond her years, you know? We should have been asking her for advice years ago. But back to what I said… I do love you. But I think that love still has some growing to do before I can say it to you in more than just ink on paper. But don’t worry… this isn’t some dramatic confession where now I tell you that I love you and that I’m waiting for you at the airport to fly away to France with me, or to choose me over Bucky.

I’ve said all I want to say and I need to wrap it up because there’s a 5 year old behind me shooting me a death glare. But finally… I believe no matter where life takes us nothing can break us apart (Sorry… If I didn’t include a High School Musical reference, I wouldn’t be me. But the sentiment holds true.). So choose love, choose writing, and choose your happiness, like I know you want me and Wanda to do. You are brighter than sunlight, and everyone around you knows that. Like the kind of sunlight you can see even when you close your eyes.

Love you always,

Steve

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