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nitswz · 3 years

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stained hearts (2/9)

**disclaimer**

i am completely aware that it’s unlikely that CALM is all about Luke and Sierra. i just thought it would be an interesting twist to take the songs off CALM that I could, and connect them all into the same storyline. i am not saying Luke is or isn’t like this, this is just an interpretation of the songs as if they were real and in story form. these ‘“interpretations” could be completely off, this is just what I thought it would have played out like if these songs were all about one relationship; Luke and Sierra’s. some of them are based off interviews where they discussed the songs. this isn’t me trying to discredit any of the other guys’ relationships, make assumptions about Luke and Sierra’s relationships, or to insinuate Luke is like this, this was just for fun.

ALSO i know literally nothing about drugs so like the behaviors in this are just what i’m imagining them to be but if i’m wrong let me know

part 1

in the dark, we're black and white, in the morning, colorblind

As much as Sierra would like to say things improved from that night, they didn’t. Sierra found herself stuck in a routine. Luke would get drunk, say something to hurt Sierra, they’d get into a huge fight, she would keep her distance only for him to get drunk again and stumble to her house mumbling apologies. She’d then take care of him, they’d hook up and wake up the next morning pretending things were okay. Pretending that the loop they were seemingly stuck in, wasn’t bad for them both.

Laying in bed silently, Sierra went through everything that had happened. The night before last, Luke had flipped on Sierra, yet again. From what her sleepy mind could remember, he had called her a bitch that night, which is the furthest it’s gone. Name calling. The Luke she knew would never call her anything outside of her name and nicknames.

Then, last night, he came to her house, drunk, as he had so many times before. She had begun expecting him at this point, usually leaving the door unlocked. But this time his intoxicated mind seemed to think that throwing rocks at her window would be some form of romantic gesture. So she trudged down the stairs, fully prepared to spend the night tending to him in more ways than one. She changed his clothes and put him to bed, laying down next to him. Early the next morning they fooled around a bit and went back to bed, still not discussing the issues they were having.

It had gone on for weeks. Neither of them were happy nor were they willing to do anything to stop it. Sierra kept hoping that maybe things would be resolved on their own. But no matter how patient she was, they never did. She wanted to be able to say this was all on Luke. That the toxicity was all on his part. But she knew in the back of her mind that she was enabling the behavior by not putting a stop to it.

However, she wasn’t sure how to put a stop to it. Luke was an entirely different person when he was drinking. He was mean. He talked with the intent of hurt. And Sierra happened to be on the receiving end of it more times than she could count. And as much as she didn’t want to admit it to herself, she was sure he had begun using drugs as well. She wasn’t sure what, but all the signs were there.

As Sierra forced herself out of bed, she headed downstairs to take part in another aspect of her routine; nursing Luke through a hangover. She started a pot of coffee and went back upstairs with a glass of water and tylenol, ready to wake the sleeping man.

She reached over and shook him slightly, watching him turn over. As he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, she waited patiently. He took the water and pills from her hand, putting the pills in his mouth and chugging the water. Once done, he glanced up at her and gave her a grateful smile. She hesitantly smiled back, and gestured toward downstairs, which was enough to tell him she made coffee for him.

“Just one second. I just-i need to go to the bathroom.” Luke said awkwardly. If Sierra didn’t already have a lot on her mind, she would’ve found it suspicious.

As she silently walked down the stairs, Sierra thought to herself how she could start the conversation of the rough patch they’re going through. She didn’t want it to seem as thought she was dumping him, she just wanted to find a way to fix this. She wanted her Luke back.

Eventually Luke came downstairs looking more awake, and sat down next to Sierra.

“So” Sierra began.

“So..thank you for last night.. Again” Luke responded with a small smile.

“Of course. So I uh, I wanted to talk to you about everything that’s been going on with you lately, well, with us lately.” Sierra spoke gently, almost as if scared she’d set him off, which honestly she was.

“What about it?” Luke said bluntly.

Sierra scoffed causing Luke to roll his eyes. “What about it, Luke? Really?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Luke said back with an attitude of his own, not that it surprised Sierra at this point.

“You’ve been acting like a fucking psycho lately that’s what.” Sierra said, raising her voice slightly.

“No I haven’t! I’m going through a hard time that’s all. If you don’t want to take care of me that’s fine but don’t act like I’ve been forcing you” Luke said raising his voice right back.

“Well I didn’t exactly have much of a choice with you showing up at my doorstep drunk 24 hours after losing it on me for the millionth time this month. What was I supposed to do? Send your drunk ass walking home? No, Luke I’m not gonna do that. You know, you act like how you treat me doesn’t get to me or something. Like I’m bulletproof. But if anyone could hurt me, it’s you.” Sierra shot back, out of breath from her rant. She didn’t wanna hurt him but she needed him to know how serious this is.

“I’m too hungover for this shit. I’m gonna go, we’ll talk later” Luke huffed, brushing her off. He didn’t wanna hear all the ways he was a fuck up, he already knew.

Sierra looked at him a moment before a look of pure disappointment appeared on her face. Luke turned away, ignoring the look and stood up, but not before Sierra did as well. As she grabbed his arm, hoping to convince him to stay. something fell out of his pocket, making her glance down. She looked up at him as a look of horror flashed over his eyes. He quickly reached for the small bottle, but Sierra beat him to it.

“What the fuck are these Luke?” She yelled, now feeling a mix of emotions. Anger, concern, frustration.

“I-it’s not what you think.” Luke stuttered out.

Sierra wordlessly walked towards the kitchen sink and poured the pills down, running water afterwards. She knew if he wanted more he’d get them, but that didn’t mean she was gonna let him keep any that he had on him.

“Sierra-”

“I think you’re right. You should go, Luke” Sierra spoke without even glancing at him.

“No. No, I’m not leaving.”

“Just go Luke!” Sierra yelled, leaving Luke speechless. He turned around, hanging his head down and walking out the door without another word.

Sierra walked to the couch, sitting down as her mind flooded with thoughts again. She couldn’t even process all that had gone down in the last 10 minutes. She felt a million things and yet again, one specific feeling stuck out. She missed him. Already.

Sierra spent all day trying to get her mind off him, instead of moping around like she’d usually do. She successfully did so, forgetting the horrible morning or really, weeks she had.

She was so focused that when there was a knock on her door that night, it slipped her mind who it might be and that she might not want to open the door. But she did.

Standing at her door, was a slouched over Luke, leaning against a wall next to her door. When he saw her, his eyes lit up, and he began speaking, mumbling more apologies like always. She was so used to this routine she didn’t even bother to listen to them, knowing the apologies won’t matter until he’s sober.

“Go upstairs. I’ll be up in a second.” She said when he finished rambling. Her standoffish behavior didn’t phase him, because his head that was her accepting his apology.

As Sierra opened the door, she found Luke sitting on her bed, barely conscious, looking like a lost puppy. She walked to the closet and grabbed another shirt for him from her closet, one he left one of the other times he came to her house under these circumstances. She then went and changed herself, silently walking towards the bed. As frustrated as she was by the whole thing, she couldn’t help but feel relieved that she didn’t have to sleep alone tonight.

As she crawled into the bed, sliding into his expectant arms, something felt off. Things had felt like this for a while but this time was different. Luke’s arms had always felt like home. Like a safeplace. But this wasn’t what she had been wanting for so long. This wasn’t the man she had missed so dearly. This wasn’t him at all. This wasn’t her Luke.

And Sierra wasn’t sure how much longer she was willing to wait for him to come back.

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nitswz · 3 years

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stained hearts (1/9)

**disclaimer** i am completely aware that it’s unlikely that CALM is all about Luke and Sierra. i just thought it would be an interesting twist to take the songs off CALM that I could, and connect them all into the same storyline. i am not saying Luke is or isn’t like this, this is just an interpretation of the songs as if they were real and in story form. these ‘“interpretations” could be completely off, this is just what I thought it would have played out like if these songs were all about one relationship; Luke and Sierra’s. some of them are based off interviews where they discussed the songs. this isn’t me trying to discredit any of the other guys’ relationships, make assumptions about Luke and Sierra’s relationships, or to insinuate Luke is like this, this was just for fun.

fight so dirty but your love so sweet

Fuming. Sierra was fuming. As she stumbled through the crowd trying to find the quickest exit out of the club, she regretted every decision she ever made that led her to where she was right now. Once she maneuvered way through the crowd and out the door into the bitter cold, she took a moment to breathe and go over everything that’s happened in her head.

Sierra went to apologize, and hopefully resolve things, but what she found was a drunk Luke Hemmings feeling up some girl on the dance floor; flashing her the smile that she thought he reserved for her. She was stuck, frozen in place, watching the guy she treasured so dearly, with another girl in his arms. While lost in her own head, he glanced up and made direct eye contact her for a solid 2 seconds, which was more than enough for her.

She pulled out her phone and quickly scheduled an Uber. Well, as quickly as her nearly numb hands would allow her to. 2 minutes away. She could do that. Keep it together, for 2 minutes and the extra 5 minutes to her house. Then she’ll be home and she can break down there.

As she stood there, freezing her ass off, Luke came outside stumbling a bit, his lack of sobriety really showing. He glanced around before his eyes landed on hers for a second time that night. He walked up and looked at her for a moment, as she stared at the cement.

“So, what’s up?” he spoke quietly.

Sierra couldn’t hold back the scoff that escaped her mouth.

“Nothing Lu, what’s up with you?” The way she said his nickname, was opposite to how he had always known her to. It wasn’t loving or warm, it wasn’t her. It was bitter, and spiteful, and fuck if it didn’t hurt to hear. But he wasn’t gonna back down. Not yet.

“You can cut the attitude Sierra.” He spoke bitterly.

“So, that girl, who’s she?” She asked him in a calm tone, ignoring his question.

“No one” he muttered.

“She’s pretty.” Sierra responded. Luke was silent. Sierra couldn’t hold herself together much longer. “You were all over her Luke” she whispered.

Something snapped in Luke and he quickly spoke in the most bitter, angry tone he could muster up. “Well that doesn’t really matter now does it? We aren’t together anyways, right? That is what you said isn’t it? He quickly questioned.

She quickly looked up at him, both shocked and frustrated.

“Wow. So that’s why you did this huh? And to think I came here to apologize. But instead of us being able to talk things out like two adults, which is what we are Luke, adults, you decided to turn around and get with some girl to prove some point. What did you think this was gonna fix? Huh? Or do you just act on instinct, deciding the best decision was to find a way to hurt me?” It was Luke’s turn to have his eyes on the cement. It was dead silent. As Sierra looked around, she saw her Uber pull up. “I can’t do this anymore, Lu” She spoke. This time, his nickname sounding sad coming from her mouth.

“Sierra-” Luke quickly said, in a broken tone. She ignored his pleas and stepped into the car, leaving him standing there outside the bar where he had broken her heart.

47 missed calls. All of which Sierra dodged. She spent all day in her house moping around, going over the past 2 days in her head. Part of her wanted to strangle Luke for being so reactive. His instinct when being hurt is to hurt her right back, and honestly it was a huge red flag from the start. But part of her blamed herself. Maybe if she hadn’t created all the confusion and made a huge fuss about labels, things wouldn’t be like this right now. She didn’t mean to, it just kind of happened. Her mind drifted to that day, a mere 48 hours ago.

Luke had done an interview hours before, where he was asked if he was seeing anyone. This was a common question in the interview world, especially for Luke. Usually he’d answer with a quick no and a smile and they’d move on. But he was feeling particularly bold, and good about his current relationship with Sierra.

“Actually um, yeah-yeah I am with someone” He said with a smile on his face. The rest of the band looked at him shocked, but after seeing how happy he was, they were proud of him.

Sierra, however, was unaware of his confession. Her and Luke had yet to discuss putting a label on the little thing they had. His fanbase wasn’t exactly the most welcoming clan when it came to significant others, so Sierra was hesitant to let anyone know. She didn’t want anyone to ruin what they had, and she didn’t want a label to do that either. She thought her and Luke were on the same page, which is why she answered the question she got in her instagram comments with no hesitation.

“Are you seeing anyone right now? Love you by the way!!” The comment read.

Without even a second thought Sierra replied with “Not at the moment, no <3”.

The comment reminded her that she missed Luke, so she went to text him.

Looking back now, his lack of response should have been a red flag. He always replied to her quickly, which was one of her favorite things about him.

Now, 2 days later, she wishes she could go back and change it all. She did nothing wrong and she knew that, but fuck if she didn’t miss him. She missed his dumb jokes, she missed Petunia, she missed the way he’d come out of nowhere and swoop her in the air. She missed dates with him that turned into sleeping with him that turned into waking up with him and spending the day together only to do it all over again.

Sometimes it scared her, how dependent she was on him. On him being around. She knew that feeling was mutual which scared her even more. Sometimes it felt like she couldn’t breathe without him, that’s how much she needed him.

She just missed him. She missed-

“Sierra! Open up, please!” Luke. What the hell is he doing? “Sierra, I’m sorry. I fucked up, I know I fucked up. I just, I was upset and I know it’s not an excuse but its the truth.I shouldn’t have handled things how I did and I just, fuck I’m so sorry Si.” Sierra let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in. A million thoughts clouded her mind but only one remained clear, that she missed him. A lot. She didn’t care about the rest.

She yanked open the door, and they spoke through a quick glance. She stepped to the side, indicating for him to come inside. His tall figure ducked through the doorway and slowly made his way to the living room, plopping down on the sofa. He stumbled a bit, but Sierra assumed it was due to his awkward lankiness.

She sat down next to him, and unlike the night before, she looked him right in the eyes. She looked for any trace of honesty in them. But before she could analyze his eyes, she noticed how unfocused they were. He had been drinking. He glanced down in what appeared to be shame.

Sierra let out a deep sigh, grabbed his hands and brought him upstairs. Silently, she grabbed one of his shirts that she had stolen and hung up, and handed it to him. She went to her linen closet and pulled out blankets and pillows, and began to trudge down the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Luke’s voice spoke quietly. It was then she noticed the slur in his words

“Downstairs, Luke. To sleep. We’ll talk in the morning, when you’re sober.” She spoke calmly, but firmly.

“No don’t. Just-Just come to bed with me. Please.” He pleaded.

As much as she wanted to stand her ground, his face and the grabby hands he made broke her down. She slowly walked towards him and laid down on the bed. She reached over to turn off the lamp and layed back down. She felt a warm hand reach across her waist, pulling her closer to him. Luke let out a sigh of content, and pulled her even closer, if possible.

As his breathing slowed, and he began sleeping, millions of thoughts filled Sierra’s head once again. She didn’t know how to feel at this point. Him being there, holding her, felt so right. But something felt off, wrong even. All she knows is despite how much he hurt her, and how much she knows he will hurt her if things don’t change, she’s so relieved that he’s here. She felt whole again. So while enveloped in his warmth, she fell asleep to his stilled breathing, getting the first good night’s rest she’s gotten in 2 days.

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