moon-ninja92

[moon-ninja92]

This is a reminder that it is okay to gush, get excited, and feel happy about your comfort characters and f/os. You are allowed to feel and experience the joy they give you without guilt or shame. You can laugh and giggle and kick your feet and happy stim when you see them. Give yourself permission to experience that happiness they give you without embarrassment.

[moon-ninja92]

PLEASE help my wonderful mutual, they shouldn't be going through this.

I wish you didn't have all this stress, Magi. Hang in there. 💚🌘

THANK YOU to the person who donated!!! You're a lifesaver!

THANK YOU to everyone who's been sharing my Gofundme posts around!!! You're making this possible!

THANK YOU to everyone who will share and/or donate in the future!!!

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Update: Roommate in hospital being treated.

He's getting dialysis

Still can't stand or walk on his own, but getting physical therapy.

I've been frantically calling people and filling out forms.

MY OWN LEG started to swell because socks, sitting, stress. Gone back down now.

Exhausted.

No eviction notice on the door yet so that's great.

Running out of money. Not sure how long I'll have a home. Meanwhile, billionaires still exist and we act like it's normal.

Mother's Day tomorrow. Not looking forward to calling my mom. Not sure what I'll say.

Getting some food on Thursday if I can make it.

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.

#please help if you can #please share #signal boost

[moon-ninja92]

Sorry for the long wait for something so short. And... it's not exactly sitting on lap... but I just couldn't think of an excuse for either of you to do it... Hope you like this instead.

12. Sitting on the other's lap

"I don't want to," Magi sighed as they sipped at their herbal tea. "I really just don't want to do anything today. I'm super annoyed. The whole world can fall apart for all I care."

They were sitting on the side of their bed, head lowered and pressed into their right palm, a look of anguish on their face. Their left hand held the chamomile tea that they kept dipping even though it was still far too hot and not steeped enough.

"Do you want coffee?" This question came from the tall, muscular masked man sitting cross-legged on the floor, a thick book in his hands. 

"I have tea," Magi said, as if that answered the question.

"Do you want coffee?" He asked again. Magi heaved out a breath and stared at him.

"Yes. Please." The man smiled behind his mask and closed his book, setting it down before rising to open the door. "Reptile…" The man paused, waiting. "Thank you."

"Of course." He returned a few minutes later and climbed onto the bed, sitting behind Magi so that they were enveloped by his legs. "It's brewing." He placed a hand gently against their cheek and felt that it was very warm.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Oh, should I not sit like this?" He began to back away, but they reached behind their back and grabbed his hand.

"No, no, no, stay… I like it…" Their face burned more and they didn't know what else to say.

"Oh… Good." 

"'Good'?"

"I… didn't want to move," he admitted, caressing their arm just below the shoulder. "But of course I would have."

"I'm glad."

They remained quite still, simply enjoying each other's touch. Eventually they could hear that the pot of coffee was completed, but they didn't much care. Neither of them wanted to get up.

_______

I picked 12 because you seemed very excited about it. :3 Sorry if I didn't do it justice.

Cute interactions

smiling at each other from across the room

making weird faces at each other

ruffling the other's hair

playing with each other's fingers

winking at each other

telling inside jokes

brushing hands

sending memes and weird gifs

booping their nose

looking over the other's shoulder

holding hands on the table

sitting on the other's lap

making each other food

showering together

trying to make the other laugh

bumping shoulders together

facetiming each other

playfully pushing each other

teasing each other

blowing them a kiss

doing each other's hair

sharing a drink

putting their chin of the other's shoulder

dancing around with each other

quoting memes back at each other

If you like my blog and want to support me, you can buy me a coffee! And check out my Instagram!🥰

[moon-ninja92]

ALAKSKSJDJDHFHFH I suppose I could try a few... which ones would you really like?

Cute interactions

smiling at each other from across the room

making weird faces at each other

ruffling the other's hair

playing with each other's fingers

winking at each other

telling inside jokes

brushing hands

sending memes and weird gifs

booping their nose

looking over the other's shoulder

holding hands on the table

sitting on the other's lap

making each other food

showering together

trying to make the other laugh

bumping shoulders together

facetiming each other

playfully pushing each other

teasing each other

blowing them a kiss

doing each other's hair

sharing a drink

putting their chin of the other's shoulder

dancing around with each other

quoting memes back at each other

If you like my blog and want to support me, you can buy me a coffee! And check out my Instagram!🥰

[moon-ninja92]

Boo 💖

This isn't a question...? ;))

Here, have a dinosaur 🦕

[moon-ninja92]

The Battle

TW: mental illness, suicidal thoughts, grossness

I laughed. The sound was so foreign to me. I tried to bury my thoughts in the video because I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want the thoughts that were already bubbling up to the surface. I stared at Mario's face and thought about playing games. Why wasn't I playing games? Games were a good distraction.

I felt awake. Not completely, not enough to pull myself out of this, but more awake than I had been in days. I looked around the mess that was my room and hated myself. I wanted to scream. I wanted to claw at my skin.

The video ended. I thought about watching another. I thought about playing something. I thought about jumping through the window. I thought about a lot of things. In the end I just laid down. Again. I couldn't tell you how many times it had already been.

Then, like a light cutting through the darkness, he came in. "Reptile," I smiled weakly. The next time I opened my eyes, his muscular frame was seated beside me, his hand wrapped around one of my own, while the other gently brushed through my tangled hair.

"I love you" was all he said. I smiled. I felt awake again. But I didn't want to get up. I motioned for him to come closer so I could kiss him. I sighed sweet relief into his face.

"I've been... dreaming. Not really living. Stuck... I don't know."

"What can I do?"

"Stay here," I said, playing with his feathers. The sensation felt good, like pulling back a soft curtain. For a while, neither of us said anything. Then he read to me from one of my books. I enjoyed it a lot. But eventually everything started bleeding together again. I felt stuck in a bog.

"I'm slipping away again," I said, a sad farewell in my voice. "Reptile... What do I do?"

"Have you eaten?" I shook my head, then nodded, as I remembered I'd been eating all day. I hated myself for it. If I ate too much, too fast, I'd go hungry again. I don't know if you know what it's like to go hungry, but it's not a good time, I assure you. "Do you need water?" I nodded again. I finally sat up and looked around for water. There was none. I groaned with the realization that I'd have to get up.

"Uuuuggh!"

"I'll go," he offered, already rising to his feet.

"Nooooo," I wailed. "I have to. I have to, I have to!"

"Of course," he said, as if my whining made any sense at all. He gently touched his hand to my elbow, not helping me up, just reassuring me with touch.

Touch is a powerful thing. It can soothe you, it can make you feel loved, it can give you courage. It can even convince you to stand up when that's the last thing you want to do.

Smell is also a powerful thing. And when I passed by my garbage that was overdue to be taken out, I almost threw up. I fell to the kitchen floor and cried.

"I want to die." I didn't mean it. Or maybe I did. "Don't take it out," I sobbed.

"I know," he said softly, kneeling down and rubbing my back. He remembered how much it destroyed me when, trying to be helpful, he did things around my apartment that I needed to do myself. He would probably never forget. "Is this okay?"

"Yes, please," I sobbed, enjoying the feeling of his hand. He fought rather frequently, and when he wasn't fighting, often he was training. But those lethal hands could be soft when they needed to be.

"You can defeat this," he assured me. I nodded, and stared into his beautiful eyes. It wasn't something I wanted to hear, but it came from him. I laughed. It was Reptile. Sometimes I'd believe anything if it came from him, no matter how impossible it sounded.

And somehow, I did it. I got the trash out. And I washed my hands at least three times when I got back. I felt so gross - not that I hadn't felt gross already. And I finally drank water. Probably too much.

When I came back into my room, Reptile was lying on the bed, playing my flute. I hadn't touched that thing in months. I collapsed next to him. He paused in his playing to play with my hair instead. I made all manner of strange sounds. I hadn't felt so good in so long.

"How can you stand it?" I asked, new tears sliding silently down my face. "How do you put up with me?" He continued playing with my hair, taking his time responding.

"I-"

"If you say 'I love you' again..."

"Well, I do," he laughed. I pushed my head against his belly, infuriated, but also happy.

"I don't... deserve your love "

"Let me be the judge of that, thank you. You just worry about whether I deserve yours."

"You deserve so much more... You shouldn't have to deal with all this, just to love me."

"This sickness isn't you," he reminded me. "I've faced terrible battles, fought powerful enemies. This is just another battle. And I will fight it. I will fight for you." I blushed, and squeezed him tight. "I know that I can't fight the whole battle. That you must face most of it yourself. It's... not fair." He held my face in his cold hands. "But we fight together. And there are times when the sickness is beaten back. And you come back to me. And it is wonderful." I nodded. "But I love you when you are yourself, and I love you when you are sick, and I love you when neither of us can tell. Your sickness hates that. It doesn't want you to believe it's true. But it is, and there's not a thing it can do about it. I love you, Moon."

"I love you, Reptile... I love you so much."

_________

Been a while. Obviously Reptile isn't real, and I have no one to play with my hair and encourage me and understand my boundaries, etc. Love me through all this. But sometimes pretending is the only thing that gets me through. It's hard. It's really hard.

I'll try not to go so long between posts next time. But I don't know what I'll post next. Anyway, hope you enjoyed.

#Reptile #Mortal Kombat #mental illness #self shipping #it's gonna be a long night

[moon-ninja92]

random reminder that your f/o loves you very much

they support you and believe in you and want to do whatever they can to help you

and they want cuddles

right now, if you have the time...

#random #self-shipping #your f/o

[moon-ninja92]

Music I’ve been listening to lately

Pray For Me - Love Equals Death - because I’ve been missing Reptile a lot while he was gone (but now he’s back and I’m smothering him with cuddles) “And these lips won’t touch another, not as long as there’s a longing for your kiss.” While Away - Madder Rose - same reason but also... life... ugh... Shine - Collective Soul - Because the melody soothes me Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls - Because... Indigo Girls 6th Avenue Heartache - Wallflowers - Because it’s soothing, even though it’s such a sad song (if you really listen to the lyrics) Smother Me - The Used - Because... yeah...  Something in the Way She Moves - James Taylor - Reptile loves when I play this one. I’d love to hear him sing it to me (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but I won’t press him. I feel like he will when he’s ready

#random #music #your girl has not been okay y'all #but getting better #imagining his arms around me... I wish I could really really feel it...

[moon-ninja92]

I caught his scent first. I had been blasting music through my headphones for the past three hours, so I didn’t hear him come in. But I got up and moved to meet him with a walk that wanted to be a run but didn’t have the energy. 

I pressed myself into him and held on tight. He smelled like long walks through forests full of plants I had never seen. A much warmer climate. And the faint residue of interdimensional travel. I squeezed tighter and wailed into his chest. I felt like I would cry again but no tears came. 

“What is it?” 

“I...” I shook my head. I didn’t want to say it out loud. Like the words would come out as me throwing up. But the disgusting thoughts were still swarming within me. The repulsive knowledge couldn’t go anywhere. Even years from now, I knew, I know, that it will still leave its mark on me. Instead of explaining, I let go of his body, only to grasp his wrist, finding comfort in the ability to do so, and even more when he smoothed out my hair as I led him to my room to sit in front of my computer screen.

“What’s going on? What do you...” He trailed off as his eyes darted side to side. I felt like a horrible person just for infecting his mind with the knowledge of this sheer crime against humanity. “What...? It can’t be.” I still said nothing. I felt like I couldn’t. Like I had cried and raged all my words out over the past few days. I clicked and typed and scrolled, showing him source after source after source. “This... This can’t be!” It was all he could say. I couldn’t blame him. Tears rolled down his cheeks. He closed his eyes and turned away from the screen, unwilling to see the words any longer. I wrapped my arms around his neck and shoulders from behind. I planted a weak kiss atop his head, loving the feel of his feathers, pressing my cheek against them and letting out a sigh that became sobbing that became a fountain of fresh tears.

_______

Hi.

It’s not a great time to be a United States citizen.

Especially if you’re a woman.

Or a little girl.

Happy Independence Day. Where’s my liberty?

#Reptile #self-shipping #reproductive rights #I hope everyone who thinks rape is a blessing from God chokes and dies #I'm not sorry #Reptile thank you for being here #it's sad the only thing that's comforting me is my imaginary boyfriend

[moon-ninja92]

Repetition

“How am I doing?”

“Your breathing is good,” he said, adjusting my arms a bit. “And you’re getting the hang of the footing. Everything else will follow.” I nodded, taking a step forward. I brought my right hand down to my left hip, and made a sweeping motion with my left arm to bring it straight out to my side, holding it in place and continuing to take slow, deep breaths.

The next step was bringing my right arm up to my chest in a straight horizontal line, and making a swooping gesture with my left to hook it upward, hand bent downward, heel of my palm striking out. All of this was done slowly, but once my body and mind were familiar with the motions, I would be able to do it faster and faster. 

“It’s coming to me more naturally.”

“You just have to remember to move your feet as well,” he said, gently tapping my right leg with his bare foot. Blushing, i nodded and drew the exercise to a close, crossing my wrists in front of my chest, my fingers outstretched. 

“Next time,” I sighed as I fell down to the grass, sitting at first but moving with the momentum to fall backward. He picked up my water bottle and sat next to me, cross-legged. 

“You’ve got the rhythm down very well. But I want you to work on your footing while I’m gone.”

“You’re going back home?”

“For a time. There are important matters to vote on.”

“Ahh.”

“Indeed.”

“Probably be good to walk the forests of your home, too.”

“It is always a wonderful experience.”

“...Why don’t I come with you?” He took a while to answer, and began to play with my long, brown hair, which was currently tied up in a high ponytail.

“...Not this time.”

“You said that last time.”

“Keep asking me” he said with a sly smile. “Each time. We’ll see what happens.”

“I like you,” I said, finally sitting up to chug from the water bottle. 

“I like you very much,” he returned. I love hearing that.

_______

Hope you guys enjoyed! I was working on that for a while now, even though it’s so short. I didn’t know what direction it was gonna take, tbh. 

For reference (for anyone who cares lol), no I am not currently learning or practicing any martial arts, though I really want to! I’ve studied them in books since I was a kid, but sadly have no experience yet. But soon! Hopefully!

This fictional version of me has already been to a couple martial arts competitions though (heehee), and while I didn’t place great, I did have a lot of fun! That’s the way I like to imagine it. 

Anyway, thanks for reading!  🌔

#Reptile #Mortal Kombat #self-shipping #martial arts #ninja

[moon-ninja92]

Wow, the mental health “imagine” post is getting a lot of love! I guess I’m not t e only one who needed that so badly. 

I’ll try to come up with other scenarios in the future. We all deserve it, after all! And our f/os want to understand, help us and be there for us at our worst times.Yes, they do! 

[moon-ninja92]

Emoji & Image Reference

Just a quick ref for myself so I can copy and paste my faves at will

💚 🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑 🐣🐉🦕🦖🐦 🍄🌾 🌱 🌸🌷🌻 🌵  🌳🌲🌴🍁🍂 💫

(under construction)

[moon-ninja92]

Eye of the Storm

He tried so hard not to ask “Do you feel better?”. He didn’t want to imply that “better” was a state of being I HAD to be in. I had ranted a bit (though not in great detail) to him before about my upbringing by ableist people. He knew how just one sentence could sometimes be all it would take to send me spiralling back down. 

I guess it’s good neither of us likes talking very much, huh?

The past week should have been bliss. But it was more like a storm, with him either lying down with me, or sitting in or outside my bedroom, silently supporting me, practically rejoicing when I spoke up, and pulling me close to kiss my brow or the top of my head when I said things like “I don’t belong anywhere”, “Why do I even try?”, or “I don’t deserve you”. 

The storm was passing. Or maybe this was just the eye. Either way, I got up and took a bath. I wasn’t sure which I wanted more: bubble bath or bath bomb. I had used both at the same time before, but I didn’t want to use up my few remaining products too quickly. While I was searching through the drawers in my bathroom, I noticed a small bath bomb I don’t remember buying. It had a large red heart on the package. 

“Reptile...” Blood rushed to my cheeks. When did he put this here? Sneaky ninja...

Bathed and refreshed, and face flushed thinking of everything this beautiful man did for me, I returned to my room in a tank and pair of light blue jeans. He was reading one of my books - yet another thing that made me swell with joy. He glanced up as I knelt down in front of him and threw an arm over his shoulder. I slowly pulled off his mask. He jerked a bit, but didn’t resist. His pale pink lips uncovered, I slid the other arm over the other shoulder, crossing my wrists behind his neck, leaning in to press my body against his, and kissed him.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” But I didn’t answer. I lightly grasped a few of the feathers hanging down from his head, twirling them this way and that, gently squeezing, as I kissed him again.

“Thank you.”

“Very well, then,” he smiled, placing his hand on my cheek. The sensation made me melt inside. How can one person’s touch be so magical? I had no idea that he felt as if he were on fire just by my arms around his neck and our bodies so close.

“Thank you.” I kissed him again, harder, fiercer, not relinquishing.

Inhale

...

Exhale

...

Inhale

...

Exhale

...

Inhale

...And I finally let go, and lay down beside him, and let him play with my hair, both our faces burning up.

Nothing is going to just magically change my brain, instantly heal the chemical imbalance. Nothing is going to just solve my depression as if it were a mathematics problem. But all the things he does for me... they definitely help me live with it.

#Reptile #Mortal Kombat #self-shipping #cute #depression #healing

[moon-ninja92]

Imagine your Reptile

This one is specifically made with my fellow Reptile self-shippers (if there are any, idk) in mind, but it’s for anyone to read, if they’re interested. This time they’re scenarios to imagine to make you feel good, but also writng prompts, so they’ll be a bit shorter. If you like any of these prompts, please do feel free to use them for your own f/o! I won’t mind in the slightest! Please do share whatever you write with me though so I can read it! ^__^

Imagine Reptile walking with you through the woods (if there’s no forest or grove or anything near you, imagine walking through the nearby park, around whatever trees are there). At some point, he stops, crouches down, and examines something that caught his eye a bit, before picking it up. He definitely wants to take it home, maybe even make it into jewelry, or just display it on his bookshelves. Or maybe he gives it to you. What is it? A stone of some sort? An acorn? Pine cone? Piece of bark? Maple seed? Or maybe a tiny critter... 0w0

Imagine Reptile being sick, and you come over to Zaterra (or to his house on Earth if he has one?) to give him soup, medicine, and some tender loving care. :3  What kind of sick is he? Stomach ache? Fever? Is he delirious? Does he mumble anything adorable? Is it hard to resist kissing him? :3

Imagine Reptile cuddling with you, and feeling so soothed and at ease, that he forgets he’s around someone and starts singing. He very quickly remembers, opens his eyes and puts a hand to his mouth, ceasing the song. It’s the first time you’ve heard him sing! He’s obviously embarrassed, and lies there in silence. What do you do? Do you press him to keep singing? Do you tell him how beautiful his singing is? Or do you simply snake your arm around him and bury your head in his chest (or the other way around), hoping he feels comfortable enough to do it again? :3

I’m really starting to make myself blush lol! I might have to save more for another time. Thanks for reading! And again, if you’re inspired by these prompts to write anything, please message or tag me so I can see your beautiful work! I’d love to read it! 🌔💚

#self-shipping #Reptile #Mortal Kombat #your f/o #writing prompts

[moon-ninja92]

Imagine your f/o - mental health, sadness, self-doubt, being there

Imagine your f/o stopping by on a day that your depression is less manageable than usual. Even though you took your medicine, maybe you just haven’t been able to get out of bed. Or maybe you’re not motivated to do anything and you’re stuck in a cycle of that lack of motivation and feeling terrible for letting housework or whatever pile up for so long and it never seems to end. Or maybe you’re just stuck remembering horrible things you don’t want to think about. Whatever it is, they stop by, and they can tell. They ask if they can hold you. And whether you say yes or no, they also get a cup of tea going. They pick your favorite blend, delighting in the wonderful smell of the bag, and that gives them an idea. They return to you, blushing, and gently hold a bag of the tea blend under your nose. They don’t say anything, possibly afraid to make it about them, possiby afraid to make it worse, possibly just unsure of what to say.

Imagine your f/o texting you around noon-ish (or equivalent for people who work the graveyard shift or just late-risers) because they haven’t heard from you yet at all. They don’t want to draw attention to the fact they haven’t heard from you, and they don’t want to potentially make you feel bad. They just try to think of something fun and interesting to talk about, and text you some random thought. It puts a smile on your face (or maybe makes you laugh) and doesn’t just solve everything, but you feel a warmth inside. Maybe you shake your head and say “You’re so random.” Maybe you think a while about a question they asked you, and eventually answer. Maybe seriously, maybe coyly, maybe with another question of your own. They’re happy when they get a response. They’re not going to press you to keep talking! They’ll just say one thing to continue the conversation, and you can move from there, one step at a time.

Imagine your f/o being in the middle of visiting you when you set your controller (or Switch in portable version or handheld console or whatever) down and shed tears. Maybe you just sit there in silence and bury your head in your hands. Maybe you cry out “Why? Why am I not good at this? I used to be so good! Why can’t I win/do well?” Maybe you get up and move across the house/apartment to a different room to sulk. Either way, your f/o might go to sit behind whatever door you slammed, or sit in the hallway nearby. They want to give you your space, but also communicate that they’re here. They know, as well as you do, that you are in fact still good at whatever game you’re playing. That you can’t win them all. That it’s upsetting to lose, but it’s going to happen. But they’re not gonna bring that up right now. They know that you’ll remind yourself - that maybe you’re already reminding yourself, and it’s just making you feel worse. They know that it’s not easy to have one of the few things that brings you joy, also be one of the things that frustrates you, makes you cry, makes you feel self-doubt. But they love seeing you overcome it. They love that look on your face when you successfully perform a complicated combo or make the right strategic move. They love watching your giddiness when you play with your friends. And they know that you deserve to be proud of yourself.

#self-shipping #imagine your f/o #depression #mental health

[moon-ninja92]

The post I made the other day has been making me think a lot...

I’ll never forget when the relationship of two of my friends was slowly coming to an end. They had been romantically involved for almost a year at that point. One of them suffered from severe depression and anxiety (as do I) and didn’t have much support in that matter from their blood family. I’ll refer to them as Sunrise. The other friend had no idea what it was like to suffer from mental illness or anything of the sort, but tried to understand and be there for their s/o. We’ll call them Northwind. I lived with Northwind at the time. And I’ll never forget one day when they said something to me (about the situation with Sunrise). I can’t remember exactly what was said, I just remember that it was something very insensitive and self-centered, like “I didn’t sign up for this kind of relationship” or something like that. It... wounded me, honestly. It was around that time that I realized that the way they treated me (in regards to being a roommate) was kind of unfair, at least when it came to expectations and whatnot. Because they didn’t understand what it was like. They even said they thought some of it was made up, that we weren’t trying hard enough. 

I... Our friendship never recovered from the wedge that mindset drove into us. And their romantic relationship eventually fell apart for the same reasons, that Northwind just couldn’t be there for Sunrise the way they needed; they didn’t have the patience, and they “werent here” for that kind of dynamic. They tried getting together again at some point, but it just couldn’t work out.

I’m still friends with Sunrise. And... I don’t hate Northwind. I don’t talk to them anymore, unless they talk to me... which hasn’t happened in almost two years now. And it’s just so sad that relationships can be torn apart because someone is not willing and/or able to meet the needs of someone whose brain works differently - or they are, and it tears the person apart, which is just as sad in itself. 

...I’ve talked about this way more than I had meant to. Let me get to the point.

I hope all my fellow self-shippers out there, who do struggle with mental illness, be it depression or anything else, know this one thing: Your f/o is there for you. Your f/o is doing their best to understand and do what they can to help, even if all they can do is just be there. Your f/o is not here to make it about themself. Your f/o is not going anywhere. Your f/o did sign up for this, and they want you to know. <3

#depression #mental illness #relationships #self-shipping #your f/o

[moon-ninja92]

One of those days

“Oh, she’s asleep,” he thought aloud as he walked into my apartment bedroom and set his key down on the nearest bookshelf. I felt so guilty now, realizing the person who had been knocking for the past three minutes was Reptile. I didn’t want to see or hear from anyone at all right now... But him... If it was him, I wouldn’t mind. 

I let out a heavy sigh that ended in a sob, and he turned to where I was lying on the floor, completely encompassed in blankets, tears pouring steadily from my eyes. 

“You’re... not asleep.” It was all he said before closing the distance and slowly laid down to hold me tight. The feeling of his arms through the blankets, his chest against my back, made me feel so good, but the tears seemed to multiply. I just lay there, accepting the closeness, grateful for his kind heart.

He had been through this with me before. He knew by now not to ask “what’s wrong?” because it wouldn’t help me feel better at all. He patiently waited until I was ready to speak. I didn’t want to speak. Speaking would make me break down. I don’t know why, but for some reason when I get like this I try to hold on, to patch up the leaks in the dam, to not let it all burst out. For some reason, some part of me thinks it’s better somehow to continue crying silent tears than to just let go.

I don’t know how long we were lying there before I finally spoke up.

“Nothing is going right.” I couldn’t even finish the sentence without breaking down. My breathing sped up, jagged, and I wailed in anguish so loudly I’m sure my neighbors complained about it.

_____

I don’t know what else to write. I’m feeling terrible today. Angry and sad and crying on and off. I just want to lay down and never get up.

I wish I could feel his arms around me. The best I can do is imagine. 

...Thanks for reading. I’ll write more another day.

#Reptile #Mortal Kombat #romance #depression #self-shipping