mindondepression

[mindondepression]

Literally no one:

My body dysmorphia: lol u look like this

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I HAVE NOT, AND WILL NOT, HURT MYSELF TODAY

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Secret journal

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tiffvu:

 have a little faith everyone :)

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From constipation to shitting my pants

ED recovery is so awkward. I am 2 weeks in now and at first I was really bloated and constipated. I was like a potato with stick legs and arms... and gassy all the time. But now, with some medication, it’s an whole other shitshow (pun intended) I just litterally shat my pants... as an adult. I want to recover, just so I never have to go through this again lol

#anorexic #ed #recovery #ed recovery #anorecia #anorexia #anorecik #disordered eating tw #tw eating things #tw ed

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the child

my body is a child unloved

I should take more care of it

I should listen to it more

maybe hug it once in a while

I should put it to sleep

I should let it feed

I should give it what it needs

the child is crying in the shower

is collapsing in its bed

it is hated and unwanted

is uncared for, almost dead

it is hungry

it is starving

it is lonely

it is cold

it is trying hard and harder

it is doing as its told

the child wants to be beautiful

the child wants to be loved

but all it gets is less and lesser

all it gets is fear

the child is begging for some loving

but love did not appear

-aeris

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life changing epiphany about my ED

For all of you who are currently struggling, please read this. 

For six months, I have been very eating disordered. I lost a good chunck of my weight, but it was never enough. Being dangerously underweight, the GP checked my weight every single week. I was actually 2 kilo’s away from being force fed. I didn’t care at all. It was as if life itself had been sucked out of me and I didn’t care about anything that happened anymore. 

I wished I had the motivation to change my ways around food and to actually live, but the motivation never came. I asked people why I should recover, to hopefully get myself to an epiphany... but nothing seemed to click. 

Until this week. Honestly, I had given up my hope to ever be willing to recover. “I will be this way until I’m dead” I said all the time. 

It was on a monday. It had been 36 hours since my last meal and I felt sluggish. Every single movement, became a task. I had to leave work early, because I couldn’t even stand up for longer than a few minutes anymore. 

So I went home, wanting to complete my 48 hour fast. I threw my bag in the corner and went lying in my bed. I couldn’t feel my heart beating, every single breath I took was painful. Time stood still and I was lying there, thinking about all the things I couldn’t do. I was hungry, tired, but I couldn’t do anything about it. “Just let me die here” I was repeating in my head. 

Until something clicked, all of the sudden. I got up, went to the kitchen. Without measuring, I poured a cup full with greek yoghurt and mixed grainola through it. I ate it all. It felt as if life was being given back to me. I kept thinking “what have I done to myself to deserve this?” This was the moment, I was desperate to recover. While 5 minutes before, I was desperate to die. 

I ate until I was full. Chocolate, pizza, bread, fruits, I wanted it all. For five days now, I have been feeding myself properly. Listening to every single hunger cue and never skipping a meal, no matter what. 

It’s taxing as hell, I’m bloated all the time. Haven’t been able to take a shit, causing me to have extreme abdominal pain. But I am certain that this is the right thing to do now. 

Sure, I have a love hate relationship with recovery. I feel quilty for eating as much as I do, but I won’t let that part of me dictate what to do. It brought me nothing but missery and pain. 

“you will become fat!” “you didn’t need that second cookie” and so on... and so on...

This voice led me to almost die. And what for? To never be satisfied anyway? 

I realised, but ACTUALLY realised, we have one life. And I know, when you read this it looks clichè, but let it sink in: anorexia is the most deadly mental illness and it will kill you if you go through with it, eventually. Let that sink in, please. 

Nothing tastes as good, as healthy feels.

That’s all 

#anorexic #anorexia #anorecia #anorecik #proannna #not pro just using tags #proana #tw ed #disordered eating tw #ed #tw eating things #foodlog #caloric deficit

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weird thing ED makes me do

- eating one piece of liqourish per hour, making one cup of them last for 10 hours  - when I eat, the circumstances need to be absolutely perfect. Alone, with the right utensils (small), with the perfect form of entertainment and lighting - eating one huge fastfood meal, then heavily restricting for days afterward - drinking and eating as little as possible before being weight at the GP, cause I can’t handle the thought of having gained weight - not being able to eat food others made me - postponing eating, eventhough I almost faint at the spot - rubbing my stomach to feel if my ribs are still there - making sure my ribs stick out more than my belly  - only ordering drinks at restaurants

I will surely add more to this, I am a odd little creature :P

#anorexic #anorecia #anorexia #anorecik #proannna #not pro just using tags #proana #tw ed #ed #disordered eating tw

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Foodlog may 30th

Breakfast: smarties pop up ice cream (105)

Lunch: 8 small tomatoes (15)

The day isnt over yet but I feel so full and fat.. feel like im gaining but it can't be... right?

#ana #anorecia #anorexic #anorexia #proana #not pro just using tags

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I’m so stuck

I can’t break this cycle of undereating and starving. I am losing and dying, but I don’t have the motivation to stop doing it. 

I don’t want to die... but I can’t seem to find a reason to live either. I don’t know what to fight for, so why should I? But at the same time, I just wanna get better. I’m doing so poorly...

#anorexic #anorecia #anorecik #anorexia #tw ed #ed #not pro just using tags #proannna #proana

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Foodlog may 27th

Breakfast: - Lunch: bag of crisps (764) Diner: -

Exercise: -263

Total: 501 

I feel like shit today. Energy is so low and everything hurts. I want to eat properly, but brain telling me I can’t... this shit sucks. 

#anorexic #proana #not pro just using tags #foodlog #tw ed #ed #proannna #anorexia

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Got back on track after my cheat day. Only had a piece of fruit and some greek yoghurt today. All is well.. I gained some weight but it will get off again.

#anorexia #anorexic #ana #anorecik #proannna #proana #not pro just using tags

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I ate way too much and am planning on eating more. SCREW THIS!

getting back on track tomorrow. But since Im underweight, I allow myself to relax a little. I had multiple cookies, a HUGE pizza calzone and am going to eat a whole bag of crisps. And you know what? Screw the toxic voice in my head that doesn’t allow me to do this. I will not gain a significant amount of weight in one day.

#anorexic #anorexia #tw ed #ed #not pro just using tags #proannna

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Body check male, not sucking in. Belly pics

Am I thinspo yet?

48.8 kg / 107.6 lbs

173 cm / 5'8

#anorexic #anorecia #anorexia #proannna #tw ed #ed #skinny #ana #not pro just using tags

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I used to think 1200 calories was too little but now I think 600 is too much

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Finally opened up a little about my eating problems to a family member. This is what he said: "you are worried about your weight!? What are you, a woman!? Get yourself together"

I am ftm transgender..

Well, never again!

#anorexic #mental health