micas-mental-health-recovery

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

I need to put a stop to all my bad habits. Spending money just for the sake of it. Buying takeaways and eating shit food. Not sleeping enough. Chasing boys that don't want me or are fucked up. I need to focus on me again. Eat nice things. Spend money wisely and on memories that make me happy. I need to save for my own place. I need to get back into a healthy routine. I need to be me again.

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

We're like passing ships in the night. I don't think he'll ever be mine.

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

Why does my life revolve around guys? Why can't I just be happy to be by myself? I'm checking and checking my phone for Nathan to answer. But really I should just go about my normal day to day life. No one sits on their phones 24 7.

I wish wasn't like this.

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

I can't help but like him.....he gives me butterflies by just looking at me... it's so wrong because he's married and my boss..... I just can't help it.....I want him

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

Sometimes I miss Marcin....then I remember how horrible he was. Having an ingrown toenail for 9 months and not doing anything about it? Disgusting.

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

I can do so much better Kevin. And I deserve so much better

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

Me again. I've not posted in a while. I really need to let this out.

Quite frankly, I've had enough with my mum.

Eversince my massive blow up with her a couple of Sundays ago, she has just treated me like a stranger.

She won't even look at me. She acts as if I'm this diseased or disgusting person.

She has amped up the nagging.

When I broke down the other day and needed a jump for my car battery, I tried to call her and she didn't answer. Was asleep obviously.

By the time she did answer she just didn't give a shit.

She asked me what happened a little while after, I explained and asked her why she didn't answer. She just said she was asleep as it was in the middle of the night. I then said good job I wasn't dead and she just said 'well I wouldn't find out til the morning then.'

Just the fact that she said that. Makes me think she wouldn't care if I lived or died.

Such a lovely feeling. As if I didn't feel like the most hated child anyway.

And now she's on the phone to my sister. Being all sweet and giggly.

I give up.

Mum doesn't care.

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

I am watching the England match with my family. Trying to be part of the family. And it's dark and it's hurting my eyes to be in the dark. It's giving me a headache. So I put the light on. And my mum tells me to turn it off. I just look at her. She says turn it off I don't want it on. I say no I've got a headache and I need the light on. Mum tells me to turn it off. I say no and that she's not being fair. She asks me again. I say no again she tells me to go somewhere else if I'm going to look at my phone I said she's looking at her phone and she's able to put the light on. She then proceeds to turn it off.

Honestly. She's a fucking bitch. And I've had enough.

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

Getting a bit sick of my manager speaking to me like shit. I don't care if she's pregnant and in pain. You don't speak to people like that.

Don't call me aggressive then act like a teenager with that fucking attitude.

Honestly. Why do I even try

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

The last few days have been difficult and exhausting but I have good news and updates:

I’m going to therapy again woop

All my exams are over so now I finally have summer holidays

I took my FCE exam I’ve been putting off for so long

I passed my college admission exams!!!!¨

I’m moving out really soon

I was so happy I cried when I found out. I’m really excited for college. I hope you have a lovely day

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

Therapy App ➤ Stay Motivated ➤ Visit: PsychologyDaily.com

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

There is something that it niggling in the back of my mind at the moment.

And that is money.

Because of covid, I had to leave my retail job last year and take an office job in insurance claims.

I do enjoy the job, it challenges me and I do get positive feedback from it.

However, it has impacted on me financially.

I have taken a £200 drop in money (per month)

Yet I still pay the same for my rent at home and for all my bills.

Unfortunately I do have a pretty bad spending habit. (Short term it makes me happy but long term it causes anxiety and stress)

So for the past 2 months or so I keep hitting my overdraft in my main bank account.

So when I get paid from work, I don't get to access all of it because 1/4 of it pays the overdraft off.

I've stopped buying clothes, I've stopped both of my beauty subscriptions, and I've tried to limit how many takeaways I get.

But this month has been hard, where I've been going on dates with my partner and travelling to and from his place by car and train, it's using large chunks of money that I just don't have.

I know it could be a lot worse, and I am lucky that I live at home and I get my meals provided to me.

But I just worry I'm never going to gain the independence that I desire and deserve unless I've got some serious savings.

I guess we'll just have to take it week by week and save save scrimp where I can.

#coping #mental health awareness #mental health recovery #therapy #money worries #finances #money #finance #savings #spending

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

A lovely weekend with my S/O

I definitely needed the escape from home.

I can be myself with my partner, he makes me laugh and never hassles me for anything.

He doesn't judge or criticise.

He just let's me be....me

I feel refreshed and ready to go back to work tomorrow.

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

This isn't the face of someone who is OK.

This is the face of someone who has never felt more alone or isolated in her life.

I am locked away in my room, playing sims 4, trying desperately to shake this horrible empty feeling that I have in the pit of my stomach.

I'd like to think that I'm part of this family, that I am safe and secure and can always rely on my family.

I'd like to think that my family love me and support me in anything.

But the way everyone is acting towards me at the moment is making me think the opposite.

My mum won't even speak to me since our big argument last week. My brother never speaks to me most of the time anyway. My step dad avoids eye contact and bitches about me behind my back to my mum.

My sister is too wrapped up in her own life to worry about me. Plus out of the 2 I'm not her favourite sibling.

My dad is far too selfish to really care about me or help me in any way. Plus, being 100% honest he's the one that caused this whole mess. He left me my sister and my mum when I was 14, and caused my mum to go into this downward spiral of hatred and bitterness.

The only people that I could depend on are my grandparents. But realistically they're probably going to side with mum, I mean, I don't know what she's been telling them.

Plus they're in their 70s now and I can't keep relying on them emotionally everytime I feel like this.

I do have my partner, whom I adore and who adores me in turn.

He's great, and I can tell he's going to be so good for me.

But then there's always this little niggle in the back of my mind telling me to be careful, as I've given my heart to people before and they've broken it. 💔

The moral of this story is....I can only 10000% depend on myself.

And I guess, although it's a daunting thought, I have been through a lot of shit in the past and come out the other side one way or another.

So knowing that I am capable of withstanding turmoil and negativity and coming back from it, is actually a pretty nice thought.

Maybe this blog is actually helping.....

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

My sister just reposted something on Facebook she did last year about homeschooling my little brother and how he's her best friend....and my brother always calls my sister 'his favourite'

I have to be honest. It makes me feel very hurt and left out.

I feel very isolated in this household and within my family most days, and seeing things like this makes it worse.

#coping #mental health awareness #mental health recovery #therapy #feelings #sad #low #down #depression #siblings #best friends

[micas-mental-health-recovery]

There is no bin downstairs and mum won't let me buy one and put one in there.

So my only choice is to put the wrappers of my tampons into a little make up bag that we store in the corner of the bathroom.

Mum sent me this today. Because she has to find something to criticise me for every single day.

#coping #mental health awareness #mental health recovery #parenting #therapy #self healing #self help #family issues #relationships