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I have moved upstairs out of the modly basement onto a couch. I have asked people to use other doors because my brother was walking through here 10-15 times a night to smoke cigs and drink beers in the garage.
This confirmed my fears of the cat getting out in the garage. It has been happening for months. I made a huge deal out of this. How this is a huge fear of mine and my brother knew it was happening for months. So, now that door is off limits to use. He admitted it when I realized the cat was stuck out there one day. The first night I slept up here.
I fixed my Dad’s computer. The start menu wasn’t working and it was filled with mal-ware. All of his accounts are corrupted. He doesn’t understand things like where to search.
He was watching a motorcycle video and there was a cyclist on the road. He said “look at that stupid f@$ot!I I hope he fucking dies!”. He has always hated cyclists for some reason. Even when I was little he used to buzz by them and joked about how he wanted to put a boxing glove on a tomato stake to hit them while they are riding the bikes because he has to swerve around them sometimes. It’s the strangest thing. It’s another example of the insane road rage he experiences every time he drives or goes somewhere.
Today when I was fixing my computer I was just saying things about how I like a YouTube channel. I was fixing his computer. It took about 20-30 minutes and I was making food while doing it. I asked to watch a video about motorcycles I thought would be informative for him and he snapped at me to just go outside and shoot your ball! It’s so fucking weird. Watching a news story, “he screams, I hope someone shoots that fucking n-word! hahaha”.
I lived in Boulder for 10 years and there was a mass shooting at a grocery store I frequented. My Dad was laughing at the “rich assholes” getting shot and said it’s probably fake. He’s truly a distrubed piece of shit. I have reached out to another friend from my past. Ashley.
She talked about how she should be making $25k more a year at her high paying corporate job. I’m like. Yeah, I can’t get a doctor to take me seriously because of my drug history. It was still nice to talk to someone. I talked to Arielle and have been laying off texting her.
I have an appointment with a doctor on the 22nd. I have been very healthy lately. Exercising everyday by playing basketball. Vitamins, vitmain d, only a few diet sodas, water ,metamucil, light snakes. I’m at a weight where I can start to get really strong again.
I haven’t smoked weed in weeks. I just make edibles and a gram lasts me 3-4 days.
I’ve been thinking about dating lately. I’ve been getting hornier. Arielle sent me a picture the other day, and god damn she looks so good.
I don’t know what it is about her. She’s beautiful by any standard. But not like super model hot. But her body is very fit. She has a great smile. Some of the best braids I’ve ever seen when she breads her hair. She would rarely wear a bra and she has very aesthetically pleasing nipples.
I told her a story about how I saw a girl from a block away in 2015 and made sure to make a u-turn on my motorcycle close to where she was standing to check her out.
I told her this, but left this part out, but I could see her nipples through her shirt from that far away, lol. That’s like one of my biggest turn-ons. I said she was wearing a kind of see-through shirt.
When I got closer, I realized it was her and was like oh shit, I hope she doesn’t recognize me. But she had only seen my red bike, this was a green on I had just bought was dating Lauren and she was with her boyfriend. I texted her a week later to confirm it was her. But yeah.
That means I’m getting healthier, because I’m getting hornier. Arielle is like the perfect kind of girl to me. It has been a weird relationship. I’d be hesitant to tell her I love her, she doesn’t feel that way towards me. We dated in 2011 and 2013. She’s beautiful but she dresses down and never wears makeup, so it doesn’t attract every eyeball/douchebag in the room trying to neg you and fuck her. If she cared about me as much as I could care about her. She could’ve helped me earlier. I twisted her arm into it. I’m not sure if it’s real. Or if she’s just fearful of me. She says it’s real.
I’m still hacking up black stuff. I took the antibiotics as prescribed. I have a doctors appointment on the 22nd to see what the issue is. Depending on that. I’m going to have to make a next move.
I said to my Dad, depending on the diagnosis. I may have to fly to England or something. He scoffed “ha, that aint happening!”.
Also, I picked up 10 2mg kpins. I am going to take them responsibly. I took half of one today. About to pop a half right now. This will get me through to the 22nd for the doctors appointment.
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I have a doctors appointment on April 22nd. My parents are so fucking awful still. I have never encountered people who are so defensive and accusatory of everything. These people fucking suck so bad. They lie just to lie. They say horrible personal racist, homophobic insults to everyone. They threaten to shoot people in parking lots.
Just the other day my Dad was telling me how he berated a Kohl’s cashier.
I believe the air in the basement is contributing to my lung infection. Rain water floods in, there’s no ventilation, litter boxes, and I piss in jugs down there to avoid walking by my parents.
I was trying to brainstorm ideas about how we can divert the water from pooling on the patio so it doesn’t drain into the basement. My Mom always snaps. I TALKED TO SOMEONE WHO FIXED IT!!!!! You HATE US SOOOO MUCH!
Then she makes all kinds of wild accusations and is just a bitch. My Dad scoffs and they do the. Hear we go again. Typical drug addict! GO GET A JOB IF YOU’RE SO SMART!
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I went to the ENT. He looked at my ER charts and said my white blood cells are high. Prescribed an anti-biotic. While I was getting ready, my Dad was on the phone with my Mom. She asked him to bring something up to her work. When he got off the phone, he muttered, “stupid fat bitch, motherfucker!”.
He slammed the door when he left. When he came back he was aggressively doing the dishes and yelled at the dogs. I don’t think I mentioned that my cat bolts out of the room when my Dad walks in. Something happened. Given his history. It is very suspicious. What is he doing to these cats? Why? I was thinking about getting another cat and how I have to ask and explain to my parents that I don’t want them to hit and yell at the animals.
I’m not going to text Arielle anymore unless I think I’m dying or something. I thought I was dying. This is a new rock bottom. I still think there is something seriously wrong and doctors have been dismissive. But I am doing what the doctor told me and waiting to see the results. I still feel very off.
I’ll write more later.
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My Mom was nice to me...
I told her I know that she thought she was doing the right thing and that everything that has happened to me was out of love.
Later, she came in and laid her head on my chest and we both cried. She told me she loved me and my Dad told me good night. My Mom told him to, but he did it begrudgingly.
This is the nicest my family has been to me ever, really. Arielle was more talkative too. I have been so mean to her. She has been a punching bag for me on so many occasions. She has been the recipient of some of the nastiest meanest things I have ever said to someone. My frustrations and hatred all directed towards her. She doesn’t deserve that. I put her through cycles of apologies and manipulation.
It would be stressful to be presented with that. I would be furious if anyone treated someone I care about like that. Yet, I am the one doing it and can’t seem to stop myself.
I hope that she can recognize the signs of a disturbed person like me in other people.
Yet, I think she’s one of the nicest, sweetest human beings ever. She’s smart and strong physically. I am sorry for being mean to her. She doesn’t deserve that.
I am freaking the fuck out because it’s scary. I think it’s my brain saying. WE NEED HELP DUDE! Throw out all the stops!
This is the first time I’ve felt comforted by my Mom in a very very long time. 20 years or so?
Arielle was nice and made me feel better too. My mood has changed from I’m going to fucking die, lets puke, cry, and tremble. To, lets see what tomorrow brings with another doctor.
I’m betting throat cancer, eroded esophagus, vocal chord...um cancer? Lets see. I’ve come to terms with losing my ability to communicate. I’m a decent writer and technology has me covered.
Worst case scenario. I get an excuse to shoot up heroin and be like, fuck you. I’m dying. I would be good with taking a magic all better pill though. I will change my life around AFTER I hit rock bottom.
This is actually humbling because I feel like I’m actually dying. I don’t feel like I have a broken jaw and people think I’m faking it. I feel like I’m dying. It’s a weird feeling. Weakness, maybe a little flu like.
I’m going to bed. I’ll write back what the doctor tells me.
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Yikes, This is the kind of shit I send to Arielle. I was freaking out. I am very distraught and worried. Scared. I think I might die. How else am I supposed to feel? I have no one to calm me down. I am left to make assumptions as to why.
It’s a summary of what the last week or so has looked like. I don’t even know if I feel like this or if my brain is searching for answers because of how I feel like something is seriously wrong with my physical health and I am in panic mode. I lose touch with what is real when I have no one to keep me attached to it. Yes, I need reassertion some times. My throat and chest. I may not be able to speak much longer. But I have no human beings to talk to. I am totally flipping out.
Here: These are the thoughts that go through my head. I often send them to her. It probably freaks her out. How can I not think like this? Maybe if people started treating me different?
She probably wants me to die so I can stop bugging her. I want to stop bugging her too. I want this to stop. I don’t know how she feels so my mind races to wild assumptions. I’ve tried asking her about it. She won’t speak to me about it. Boundaries. She can’t explain what they are and I’m not allowed to ask about them. I never got an answer, I have brought up boundaries 2-3 times I believe. I told her I’d rather talk about why she feels the need to have them in the first place. To fix what I was doing wrong. Asked where she learned it from. No answer. I made crude statements about people and she answered with a how dare you text me when I’m sleeping. Leave me alone type of text. I apologized, I believe. I was really worried that morning.
I have turned up the craziness a lot in the last week. I have been to the ER twice this week. I feel like I’m not going to be able to breathe soon. I am very anxious about going to another doctor tomorrow. My voice is about 75% gone. My pitch is becoming higher and higher as less air comes out. Burping, vomiting, is extremely difficult.
I have barked at her about if she so indoctrinated by a gender studies degree that she refuses to be nice to a man who has been abusive to her, admitted it, explained why, and apologized many times. I have asked to be told about what kind of communication I am supposed to have with her. That I don’t know these things and I am in a very bad state of mind. I am in an abusive situation.
I have called her names and used her as an emotional support animal/punching bag. She barely talks to me. I ask how she feels and she doesn’t talk. I don’t know if I’m hurting her. I ask. She doesn’t say.
Tell me how to communicate please. You’ve known me for 10 years and know what I’m like when I get like this, but I have NEVER been as bad as I am right now. This is on the level of the 2019 freakout. But I’m being way nicer and not saying fucked up hateful shit. I was taking a shit ton of xanax and god knows what else. Is that excuse good enough. That was a terrible fucking experience I was in the hospital for 10 days with a broken jaw and almost died. I have apologized and explained many times and barely get a response.
I think she is occupied with other things in her life. Work, romance, fitness, hobbies, concerts, fun. That’s great. I don’t know if it’s intentional. I’ve explained how fear of abandonment is a big trigger of mine. I don’t feel assure about her intentions. Maybe I can do something different and learn from it, so I don’t do it to other people or her again.
I have been making strides to improve my mental and physical health and it is getting worse.
I sit in filth and regularly get told that I’m a worthless piece of fat shit that can’t do anything, fucking drug addict piece of shit! That’s what my Dad STILL says to me. After everything I’ve written about, there’s so much more too. He still spews hatred towards me.
I have tried to put a stop to my parents abuse. This is why they hate me right now. I asked them to stop calling me fat and worthless. They refused.. I’ve told Arielle that I feel like she is cold and distant in the past.
I’ve told her I felt like she can’t relate to a situation like mine because she has safety net after safety net. A loving family. A living wage job given to her. She lives in a safe wealthy area where poor people aren’t allowed. It’s a destination for the wealthy and elite.
Pretending to be poor in college is a novelty for people who grew up in that area. It’s beautiful and people are nice. I loved it there. That was my experience living there for 8 years. She is a fit attractive female. She’s pretty. She feels that makes her a victim. I think that makes her one of the luckiest and most privileged humans on the planet. I fear that she is too indoctrinated to hate men or possibly considers me racist and sexist. Am I racist and sexist. Probably. I’m a lot of things. I still deserve help when I’m literally fucking dying and begging.
She has the means to focus on whatever makes her happy. I just want to be around people who aren’t mean to me and will listen to my health concerns without telling me I’m crazy or on drugs.
A wealthy inheritance to secure her future as well as a successful business. Will I live long enough to inherit my parent’s house and shit? I don’t know. It’s probably going to be taken by creditors or spent on drugs.
My parents control my life and refuse to admit they don’t know what they are doing. They are abusive towards me...STILL. To this very day.
I am screaming, hey this is what is going on! Help me. Tell me what to do. The doctors tell me it’s in my head. It’s allergies or anxiety and I should TRY to stop doing drugs.
Things are getting REALLY fucking bad. So, my mind is thinking of every possibility possible. Are the Indian doctors racist and dismissive towards me? Does Arielle want me to die because she feels I’m sexist and racist? Oversharing, honesty, and not having much of a filter have always been an issue for me.
Every single fucking human being has told me to fuck off. When I met Arielle. I was a very different person. For real. I was such an arrogant douche when it came to how I slept with women and shit. I honestly felt like no girl wanted to date me. So, I just fucked them and acted like I didn’t want a relationship. I wanted to date Arielle early on. She was young. I flipped out on her. Cut myself and sent her pictures of it in 2011. That was bad and the only/last time I’ve done that to someone. Did she like me better when I just wanted to fuck her though. When I asked her if she wanted to have sex in 2018.
Every doctor I have seen tells me to stop doing drugs. What the fuck, I’m not on fucking drugs. They took a drug test the second time I was in the ER on Friday. I can get drugs and do them IF I want.
I don’t have an issue obtaining them. I’m not smoking. I’m not snorting anything. The only drugs I have done are edible marijuana and a couple of one-off benzo last month and last year. That’s not going to even contribute to these issues. If anything it would probably help greatly reduce the unpleasantness of my symptoms. Snorting or smoking heroin 100% fuck up my throat and chest.
I have been explaining what has been going on.
Can you please, be here for me? I promise. I just want a human being who knows me. The appointment is tomorrow at 1145am. This is very scary. I don't have anyone to talk to. I promise. The Roxanne lady has been helpful to talk to at times. She is a bit weird sometimes, but she has listened to me for years and always talks to me. She tells me about her life too sometimes.
She's an older woman from Georgia. I have talked to her on the phone. Name/number checks out with google. She is currently an estate attorney and I started talking to her in 2017-18. She didn't believe I was a heroin addict because of how I wrote or something. Thought my stories were far fetched. Years later, she told me that she found her husbands body after he shot himself and she wanted to be there for me, to give me someone to talk to.1hNot be here physically. But yeah. I'm really worried.1h1 week. You set the disappearing message time to 1 week.
I just sat outside by my Mom. I feel off. There are huge bruises from the IV, they aren't healing. This has never happened before with bruises like that. I feel light headed.
I told her that I know she did everything out of love. That I know she thought she was doing the right thing. She said, she messed up and started talking about how it was a very hard time for her, because her Mom died. I told her in regards to this health issue. I told her that I messed up. I have been screaming for help and I just wanted someone to help me.
I told her that I might die. This is serious. She said, "oh hun...". Then, she started telling me about how she thinks I shouldn't tell the doctors I did heroin. I said that they need to know what caused this. This is serious. She said, "I know, but I think they dismiss you when you say that, just think you should try it.". I said, doctors shouldn't treat people who did drugs differently. They don't know why that person did drugs. There are doctors out there that will be compassionate towards people who did drugs.
This was very stressful. Then, she demanded. "IIIII want to talk them!".1hShe still doesn't get it. 1hThis would be the most fucked up thing I have ever done to someone, in my life. It's not a manipulation tactic. I'm not making this up. This is real. I am being as honest as I can be. Please, I could just use some comfort or something. I have nothing here. Besides a cat, a hat, and a dog.23mI used the bathroom. My mom said, "I think I am going to go up and talk to them.". I said, I don't know. I don't know if that is possible or a good idea.20m4
her: I'm at work, haven't been able to reapond9mRespond9mI know10mGlad you have an appointment tomorrow9m
me: Thanks. Me too.9mBut this is it I think. I'm going to get the bad news and I've probably been right about it. It won't make me feel better.9mWould you have a bit of time to chat later. Or if there is an emergency.8m
her: I might have time later4m
me: I'll probably go to bed around 8-9.2m
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I made an appointment with the ENT for tomorrow morning.
It’s scary. But here we go. I guess I was fucking right all along. My Mom still doesn’t know how to do. I just sent this to Arielle too. I’m waiting for her response. She hasn’t sent me more than few words since the first hospital visit.
I have complained about how I always feel like I am talking to myself when I write to her. I thought she was into writing. Maybe she could give me some tips or something. She called around 1230am, when I gave her the login info. I was sleeping Said she was worried. Then, I sent like 5 pages of texts about how worried I am.
She sent a few words. I sent this just now. I am expecting to hear from her later.
“I just sat outside by my Mom. I feel off. There are huge bruises from the IV, they aren't healing. This has never happened before with bruises like that. I feel light headed.
I told her that I know she did everything out of love. That I know she thought she was doing the right thing. She said, she messed up and started talking about how it was a very hard time for her, because her Mom died. I told her in regards to this health issue. I told her that I messed up. I have been screaming for help and I just wanted someone to help me.
I told her that I might die. This is serious. She said, "oh hun...". Then, she started telling me about how she thinks I shouldn't tell the doctors I did heroin. I said that they need to know what caused this. This is serious. She said, "I know, but I think they dismiss you when you say that, just think you should try it.". I said, doctors shouldn't treat people who did drugs differently. They don't know why that person did drugs. There are doctors out there that will be compassionate towards people who did drugs.
This was very stressful. Then, she demanded. "IIIII want to talk them!".
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My throat is getting so bad. This might be it...
I just wanted to post the exchanges between Arielle and I. I think people can do better than this. I told her she could have my crypto and gave her my login information. Told my Mom the same.
This is what I sent her today on signal. I don’t know how I’m making her feel. I am left to speculate. She won’t tell me. I have put her through stress before and this is terrible. It’s real though. I promise. Everything has been real. You have to help people when they ask for help. We all know that but even though I’ve been literally screaming. I NEED HELP. I NEED HELP. No one will help me.
I sent her something last night asking if she could tell me how to communicate with her going forward because I don’t know how to do this. But now. I am having another health crisis. She said she would write to me later. But I need to get this out in case something happens. I do not feel well.
My throat is hurting really bad.3hMy Mom admitted to lying/not knowing how to do something/admitting a mistake. This is one of the only times she has done that. She lies and manipulates people so much. She has done this and used me in that manner for as long as I can remember. She used my drug addiction to cease control of my life and through whatever twisted logic, this is the result. Look at my family. Look at me.3hAfter all of this bullshit. I called and made an appointment. My Mom has never told me that she is not allowed to make appointments for me. I have an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat doctor tomorrow. I told me they didn't take my insurance. I told them I would pay for it out of pocket. They said it would $100+ whatever. I am going in at 11:45am tomorrow.2hI feel like this is going to be really really bad. This isn't a delusion caused by anxiety, drugs/drug seeking, or me being a toxic male. Yes. That contributes. My mind is in panic mode. I'm screaming that I am dying and in pain. People tell me it's in my head because I'm a drug addict with mental issues.
I have been so desperate begging people to help me get to a doctor for years. I have been to hospitals. Emergency rooms. They don't care. They don't like drug addicts. No one was able to do this until I did it today. I feel like I may die or lose my ability to speak soon. I really do. I cried to the x-ray woman that I live in an abusive household. I told the doctor the same. I told them I have issues making appointments. I need to know where to go. They didn't give me the right place. I've told you what they gave me.
I told them. I need help. I have a lot of mental issues that need addressed and I can't make appointments. When they hear this. They think I am crazy and on drugs. It's not easy to say things like that. It doesn't matter if I say it casually, crying, or whatever. Nothing happens. They don't want me there. They think I deserve to die because I did drugs.2hI saw a cat run across the road last night. My brother asked me to take him to the gas station because he wanted more booze. I stopped to make sure it wasn't MaoMao. It wasn't. I was thinking about grabbing him, seemed a bit skittish. I stopped again on the way back because he ran across the road again.2hI wanted to help him. I wanted to help the man who was in the physch ward. I talked to him as best as I could with a dislocated jaw. I told him to go to Boulder because they will get him better health care and it is beautiful, safe.2hHe thanked me and told me to get my jaw fixed because my breath smells like shit.2hIt probably does. I've been brushing my teeth daily for several months now. I have dental issues too. But I probably have fucking throat cancer or some shit.2halso, i had to add more exclamations on my password. There are like 10 now, lol. But you can always just give it to my Mom or donate it or something. My brother's kids would probably enjoy it.2hMy Mom said. She's GOT to work tomorrow, she's the only one there. Remember how she wailed. "I took off for TWOO days!"? She didn't take off on Friday. That's okay though, I didn't get upset. She said, my brother can take me or I can get an Uber. She bought spicy fried chicken. It is making my throat hurt.
I'm going to send something long. I cut some parts out.1hShe went to my brother's house to visit the kids for Easter. So, she was probably already planning to take off.1hAlso, my Dad was talking about how he was yelling at the Kohl's cashier for "taking so god damn long, come in there all the time and it never takes that long.". He was trying to return something from Amazon. My Mom said, "maybe it's a new epmloyee.". Then, he barked at my brother to "get that SHIT out of his trunk!".
My brother and Mom are being unusually nice to me. I think they know this is serious finally. They don't want me to die of course. But that's what it takes for people like that to admit mistakes. It's so frustrating. Add in all of the other issues I have. It's a recipe for a situation like this.1hOh bummer. I deleted what I wrote. It was just sad stuff about my family and Lauren. I'd like to share it with someone.1hBut it's lengthy. Maybe a phone call would be better.1hwhen you have time and its convenient. I don't know.1hCan you please, be here for me? I promise. I just want a human being who knows me. The appointment is tomorrow at 1145am. This is very scary. I don't have anyone to talk to. I promise. The Roxanne lady has been helpful to talk to at times. She is a bit weird sometimes, but she has listened to me for years and always talks to me. She tells me about her life too sometimes.
She's an older woman from Georgia. I have talked to her on the phone. Name/number checks out with google. She is currently an estate attorney and I started talking to her in 2017-18. She didn't believe I was a heroin addict because of how I wrote or something. Thought my stories were far fetched. Years later, she told me that she found her husbands body after he shot himself and she wanted to be there for me, to give me someone to talk to.47m
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I almost sent this to my Mom...
There are no more rechargeable batteries. You guys flipped out when I suggested not putting dead batteries mixed with 50packs of fresh batteries. Dad barked that he's going to use a multimeter to check them. 10-15 of my rechargeables were thrown away when you guys removed the smoke detectors, threw away the rechargeable batteries, and hid them in the garage. I just kept them charged and in a bowl. Never had an issue for my remotes or game controllers. Rechargeable batteries helped me save money and clutter compared to dead batteries and half open packages.
It was a battle to get you to buy those smoke detectors when I complained about them years ago. You both lied to me over and over, rather than admitting to doing something that I was concerned about. You will blame me. I was very nice and didn't fight. You guys eventually told me they were in the garage for a year.
I put new batteries in them and they work. 1 broke when it fell. Dad was rude to me about it. Laughed as if it was a typical display of my stupidity.
They didn't arrive for weeks. I asked again nicely and you lied and tried to downplay that you still didn't have the smoke detectors. In a house with very dangerous exposed wiring.
I just went to check my battery chargers. They never plugged them in. They just left them there to “please me”. While throwing the rechargeables away. Because it’s fancy rich people shit and my druggy ass is trying to tell THEM what to do? Ha! I’ll show that piece of shit! That is how they think.
It sounds silly. But this is the kind of shit they do to get back at people they feel slighted by. My Dad claims he waits for years and years to get back at people. He used to have voodoo dolls and shit. As a joke, but he had a just in case it does work. There are VooDoo dolls in the garage with pins in their dicks, eyes, and chests.
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My NMom admitted not knowing how to do something last night for the first time in 30+ years...
Last night was the first time I’ve heard her admit that she was unable to do something. She has always had issues with answering and checking her phone. Due to ignorance and a lack of technical ability. Not due to anxiety like myself, that’s a recent development in my life.
I texted her that this is important. As her hearing(she wont admit it) worsens, we need alternatives to communicate if she refuses to take action. My voice is becoming worse.
I wrote to her that there is an option on her phone to only receive certain calls/texts, called “”do not disturb”. You click it, add numbers to it and you are good.
She came in to reinforce that she isn’t going to keep the phone by her bed. I said, did you read my text? She snapped yeah! I said it’s called “do not distrub, you-”, she snapped “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!”.
I said, okay and told her what I was doing as I added my name and my brothers names to it for phone calls only. Text messages will not make her phone ring. But phone calls will.
I brought this up in the fight yesterday. These are important things that need to be done. Don’t let me use it as an excuse to kill myself. I am under constant threat of getting kicked out. This has been going on all of my life. Years and years and years. This woman has been unable to admit being able to do things. She lies and snaps when she is caught in it. It is nasty.
The Uber is what triggered her the most when I wanted to go to the hospital. It takes away her control. She walked into the ER waiting room. Then, she manipulated her way into the ER again.
She argued and bickered in the ER. She sighed and played victim when I talked about heroin. This makes me feel terrible. Telling the doctor “I’m worried about his chest”. Is not going to make a difference. She sounds like an annoying Karen.
She was willing to frame me for elder abuse. That is something she has always done. She always accuses me of the thing I accused her of. Often, while she’s doing it. Telling her about the things she did that were abusive upsets her because she feels justified in saying those things due to her warped perspective.
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My Nparents used my drug addiction to seize control of my life again...
The way that went down. The work injury, being unable to work. The drug addiction and having no one to go to. My parents showed up and confronted me. They had talked to Lauren. Lauren was there with her Dad. They all lied to me in order to confront me in that manner. All my parents could muster out was a weak threat. Stop doing drugs or we’ll disown you.
My Dad made mean comments about how we’re junkies and he doesn’t care if we die, not his problem. Lauren’s Dad called him selfish for that. I wasn’t there. My Mom told me that. My Mom bought me whiskey and I got drunk while Lauren packed up her shit.
My Mom has control of my bank account. She checks my mail. She didn’t change my address or sign me up for healthcare when I was fucked up and bed ridden after the seizures/broken jaw like she claimed. I owe tens of thousands. She doesn’t know how to do this. She will never admit that.
In 2017 I was becoming more and more agoraphobic. Not checking bills, mail, phone calls. I had to do my taxes in order to get health insurance.
My Mom claimed that she would fly out and do them. It was the beginning of these intense phobias I would have regarding these issues. Making doctors appointments is one of them too.
She was unable to do the taxes. I finally said, fuck it. I was able to complete them in about 10 minutes. The same with my healthcare. She manipulates her way into controlling my life and says she’s just trying to help because she loves me so much. But she has no idea what she is doing and won’t admit it.
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I just realized that my Mom freaked out when I said I would take an Uber, if she didn’t want to take me to the hospital.
She snapped because she is threatened by anything that takes control away from her. This woman would let me die, rather than relininquish control over my life and she is unable to admit when she doesn’t know how to do things.
She has said the nastiest things I have ever heard a mother say to their child. She wishes I would die. She wishes I was never born. That I want her to die so I can have her money. If I don’t like being abused, then leave and don’t come back. She is always hysterical and lies. It is absolutely terrible. I am stuck in this situation and I need to see a fucking doctor so bad.
I have an appointment on May 12th with a Pulmonologist. I was just upstairs.
My Dad was complaining about bringing groceries in and my Mom did her usual. “OH MY GOD, I NEED HELP! HELP!”, which makes the dogs freak out. She does this EVERY single time she walks in the door.
My Mom made it sound like she got my favorite thing. “Look, I got you Powerade, there’s a case of it in the car, you just have to put ice in it.”. She was asking me to bring the groceries in. I excused myself and said I don’t feel good. My Dad was hunched over the counter, trying to catch his breath. He is so pissed at me. If I speak to him. He won’t speak back. My Mom has manipulated him to take her side and he will do whatever she says. She has always manipulated him.
These stupid ignorant hateful white trash pieces of shit. I’ve never had an apology or explanation for why my Dad calls us terrible names or why my Mom will not admit any sort of mistake without freaking out. I’ve called her out on it so many times and she can’t admit being wrong about ANYTHING. No matter how small. It could be a word or something.
My voice is getting so bad. I can barely talk. I can barely breathe. I have to speak higher and higher. If I need my vocal chords cut out. Take me to that doctor. I can’t wait until May 12th to see a pulmonologist. If I go to the ER for the 3rd time. They will tell me to fuck right off.
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STILL no smoke detectors...
After ALL of what has happened in recent weeks. We had another big fight yesterday. She is still lying to me about having things or knowing how to do things. She does this because she is so fearful of admitting mistakes. This has been one of the biggest issues for years.
If I call her out on it. She snaps and attacks me. There is a frayed extension cord running under a door from the garage. My brother opens this door 10-20 times a day/night to smoke and drink. I call the room, the fireplace room, it has very old unfinished wood paneling and a fireplace. The one smoke detector is on the other end of the garage.
This is the conversation from 2 weeks ago.
https://soundcloud.com/user-101684133-645508619/smoke-detector-fight
They eventually admit to putting the smoke detectors in the garage a year ago with no batteries. I explained that I used rechargeable batteries. That also confirmed my suspicion that they are throwing them away because the rechargeable batteries annoy them. I actually wrote about this. How it caused a huge fight with them. They refuse to use rechargeable batteries. They like to buy 50 packs of cheap Chinese batteries. Then throw the dead ones in a drawer with the good ones.
It’s my fault somehow. They probably threw away 10-20 batteries in a fuck you moment towards me. Because I am the cause for all of their problems in life.
Explaining better options and how they can use the rechargeable batteries I have accumulated living on my own for 8 years. Resulted in a huge fight.
My Dad barked that he uses a voltmeter to check the dead batteries. There were 80 batteries in the drawer. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mixing dead batteries with real batteries? “I like it that way! Don’t tell me what to do!”.
I replaced them but 1 broke. My Dad scoffed that it was due to my inability to do anything correctly. It was because I used velcro, he was pissed when I bought it and he said it was stupid too. The velcro works fine. The adhesive on the back side isn’t the best though.
We still need more than 1 smoke detector. The garage is what I am most concerned about due to the frayed extension cord.
They lie to shut me up. If I call them out on it. They blame me and attack me. Make accusations towards me. Then, claim that she’s the real victim and I am the bad person. This happens so much.
She has no issue with disowning or letting her children or herself die, rather than admit a very small mistake. Such as. I do not have the piece of paper that you asked if you left it in your car. She won’t admit she has hearing problems.
When she took me to the ER the other day. She stopped at a 4-way stop and said, “it says, ‘do not enter’.”. It says 4-way stop, Mom. She will never admit she is having hearing problems. She will accuse me of saying something different and it becomes an argument and excuse.
I need better advocates. I don’t want to go to a psych ward. Not around here. They are very very bad. I’ve thought about going to Colorado, Oregon, and trying a hospital there. Possibly even a different country.
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I was dismissed as a crazy drug addict by the ER staff...
The doctor’s and nurses were all very dismissive towards me at the first hospital I went to.
He was rude. Argumentative. He kept setting off my “ok, google,”. Because he said “ok?” so much and spoke broken English, enough to trick my phone at least. He interrupted me several times, by saying, “Yeah, uh huh, okay, no.”. “It can be allergy or anxiety.”. I’m wasting his time.
He said they don’t have the equipment here and I need to see a doctor. He kept saying, “I give you number to call”. I broke down crying. Saying that I am in a very abusive situation. I do not know how to take care of my basic needs. I need assistance making appointments.
I emphasized that I think this is related to smoking heroin off foil for 4 years. He said. “Uh huh, try not to do that and see.”. I was kind and polite. Said please and thank you. I told the female x-ray lady that I live in a very abusive household. I told the doctor the same.
I called the place. First time I have done that in forever.
The lady told me to call another place that is open on Monday and Wednesdays only. It’s ran by volunteers. It’s for drug addicts and those without insurance. I said I didn’t use drugs anymore. That I quit years ago. He kept telling me to quit using drugs and I will get better.
They think I am making this up. Just like when I had the seizure and stressed that I was taking massive 40-50mg equivalents of xanax. I was wheelchaired into the hospital. Signed in and waited.
They called me to take my information. I told them everything that happened. I told them I have the seizure on my PC camera, which I did. I left it running.
Then, sent me to the waiting room again. I had another seizure. Smashed my face. I was in the ICU for 7 days. My jaw was completely dislocated out of the condyle/socket. No one believed there was anything wrong. Saying 10/10 pain. This happened August/September 2019.
Ear ache, infected cut in your cheek. Can’t close my mouth, feels like I’m chewing on my cheek that has a gash in it. They just assumed my jaw doesn’t close and I am chewing jello/eggs with my tongue and top teeth because I want the pain killers they won’t give me. I looked like a total freak, mouth hanging open.
They made note of the bruising and swelling on my face and gave me antibiotics as the cut on the inside of my cheek became infected due to an inability to heal and constantly chewing on it.
When I made comments about how bad my teeth hurt. They would say things like. “I’m not a dentist.” or “People say that a lot after seizures.”.
Ever bit your cheek, hundreds of times. Waking up, just bite the shit out of it, blood and whatever else. Can’t sleep. Room checks every 15 minutes in the psych ward. It’s a jail.
THEN, they put me in a psych ward for 3 days. It was zero benefit to me. I sat in my room for 3 days. Talked to a doctor for 2 minutes 2 of the 3 days. He told me a doctor would come to see me. It didn’t happen. I told the social worker the same stuff. I told every nurse I saw.
“Yeah, uh huh, okay, no.”
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I went to the ER again...
They gave me IV fluids and poked me 5 times. Every time I’m poked, it turns into a big swelling bruise now. I haven’t shot up with dope, since Christmas day 2018. I’ve smoked/snorted it 3-4 times since.
They ran more tests and x-rays. I had a fever of 100.8 and I couldn’t keep anything down since last night. My chest is STILL hurting. Left lung and my throat/vocal chords/esophagus is so raw.
I was treated much better this time. I am happy with the way I was treated. However, the chest pain and my throat still hurt. Even worse, after non-stop puking last night.
They helped me make appointments. At a hospital. Not at a no-insurance place that doesn’t serve my address. I have insurance thanks to stimulus and tax credits.
When they were asking if I had anything in particular I looked for in a primary care doctor, male or female. I asked for an english-native speaking doctor after this visit and they said that’s okay. It’s the first time I’ve had one(female American) and the difference in communication made me feel better.
Writing daily 10 page rants, doesn’t translate well into social skills, add in several years of being reclusive, piss jugs, drugs, and internet. Unable to answer phones, look at mail, make any sort of appointment without totally freaking out.
Yeah, that’s me making excuses for being racist. I was thinking about asking for one because I just wanted to see if there was a difference in treatment.
I feel like my previous speaking doctors are very dismissive and it’s difficult for feelings like mine to translate when it is difficult to speak.
Listening to the recording of the healthcare worker pisses me off still. I was trying to emphasize that I think this is related to smoking heroin in 2014-2018. If I tripped up a year or so. He would say, stuff like I last shot up in 2019 instead of 2018, “uh huh, 2019 now?yeah?”.
His advice on exit when I emphasized that this I think this is related to smoking heroin, he said “try to stop it and see, ok?”.
What the fuck? Did I mention that he suggested a psychiatrist first, said it was anxiety, went pffft when I said a doctor said I have acid reflux in 2018. I don’t by the way. I spent most of my time arguing with the guy about how I don’t know if I have fevers because I don’t use a thermometer... ever. I don’t know what a fever feels like. I’ve been through withdrawal like 80-100 times dude.
My baseline was alternating from snotty, tears, sweats, and goosebumps for years.
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I went to the ER last night.
The pain in my chest started to worsen last night. I had sharp pains that I had never experienced before to that degree. I’ve also greatly lost my appetite and have had bouts of nausea.
I texted my Mom at 10 am...
” I need to see a doctor soon. Chest is still getting worse. I can't do it. Please don't mess this up it is very important. I need to see a doctor. You have to pay for it. I am still getting medical bills. • Wed 10:02 AM
She replied...
“Do you still have insurance?”
I told her yes.
She said she will call.
“I need x-rays and will need to see a specialist for chest/throat issues. Difficult to breathe. Pain in left chest area. Constant thick phlegm that is painful and difficult to hack up.
My throat feels dry, like there is something in it I can't get out, voice is raspy. It is getting worse., Wednesday, March 31 2021 10:03.”
I stayed in contact with my Mom, letting her know that I needed to see a doctor again. She said the usual things. “Yes, honey, anything for you, I love you so much!”. Thanks, Mom.
I had a sharp pain occur in my chest. I texted my Mom around 7pm.
I’ll just skip posting the texts. I like to have evidence but I need to make appointments and I’m very stressed.
My Mom snapped on me about how she thought I was going in the morning. I said I would get an Uber, if she doesn’t want to take me and she became nasty.
My parents act like Uber is some sort of very expensive limo service.
There was a lot more. But my chest is still hurting. I cried to the doctors to tell me where to go. They also suggested I was still using drugs when I have been sober. The last conversation is on my soundcloud privately.
They totally dismissed me, told me to go to an uninsured drug rehab that doesn’t serve my address. I called urgent care, they told me to go to the ER again.
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I’m probably having a manic episode...
My chest has really been hurting. With how hyper I have been lately. I’m wondering if I’ve been having a manic episode. Possibly stimulated from anxiety from my health, depression, and anxiety from going to a hospital.
I’m going from feeling like I want to brag about fucking dozens of beautiful women to talking about traumatizing events and breaking down crying.
I’m writing A LOT, which is usually a sign. My emotions are all over the place. I’m breaking down and crying a lot. Having these relieving cries has been more relieving than masturbation for a while. I used to be such a horndog/porn addict. I think my health is too shitty.
But it’s very depressing. I took a picture of myself crying last night. It made me cry more. It hurts. My lung is so fucked up. I still feel like no one must believes me.
The goal is to get me into an emergency room or a doctor’s appointment. I need to get my lung/throat checked out. Then, I can work on social services and seeing about applying for a disability or possibly a lawsuit for what happened to me in the ER in September 2019. (had a seizure, went to the ER, told me to wait, interviewed me, told them what happened. Told me to wait in the lobby. I smashed my face, was charged an exorbitant amount of money, and received little to no treatment for 10 days, I had a broken jaw the entire time.).
I think this could be accomplished by a friend or family member. I don’t know what to do. I ask people. Tell me what to do, specifically. Sit down or talk to me.
I’ve nearly completely lost my appetite as well. I need to get myself in a mindset to go to the hospital and I seriously need to lay off texting Arielle. But I really need guidance and someone to help me.
I can do a lot of things. But there is a mental block about going to a hospital. It’s intense anxiety. I don’t know how to do it. It freaks me out, it puts me into a manic state. It stems from trauma and abuse. I could write for hours about it. But I really want someone knowledgeable who will guide me through the process of making appointments and such. My parents are not capable of doing this. My brothers won’t.
I’ve known her for 10 years. That Arielle is more likely to block me or get a restraining order.. She’s the only human who will interact with me and I feel like she’s terrified of me. I’ve told her this and she didn’t disagree or agree. She rarely does. It’s almost always a short neutral answer. That makes me feel frustrated.
I was hyped up to go to the hospital yesterday. She asked me to promise that I would go to the hospital. I didn’t go. I hesitated before making a promise to her. I felt something, like I had purpose to do it. I didn’t go.
I went through my mail and insurance stuff. That is important too. Arielle asked about it and I started focusing on that instead. I applied for medicaid for the 3rd time. I applied for a healthcare tax credit. I almost called the medicaid office about food stamps but lost the paper in my filthy living/sleeping area. I had 3 new medical bills too.
That is a positive action. Leading to the solution I want. I want to see a doctor. Once I do it, I will no longer have these types of reactions. Thinking about it makes me want to breakdown and cry.
Boundaries. She told me what I wrote to her last night was too long to read. It was 3 minutes long if you started from the beginning. I agreed. I started to get annoyed at the 2 minute mark.
I asked her how long is too long to read. How about half of what I read before I got annoyed. So, 1 minute maximum? Is it the fact that I did it, rather than a quantifiable limit? I want to know things like that.
She replied, she didn’t have the bandwidth. I was curious how much I was using on the app and saw it was 300mb for the month.
That doesn’t seem like a lot to me. It also occurred to me that she probably thought I only had signal on my computer and possibly assumed I couldn’t check the data usage on my phone.
My first thought was to solve the issue for her. Does she need money, disable background data? What if she really is trying to minimize contact and feels the need to take these measures. Questioning it, made me realize that the way I’m acting is creepy and overbearing.
But can there be exceptions for sick people in need of help? Temporary exceptions? Once I see a doctor and am getting treatment. I will be a better person, hopefully? If I have a terminal illness and am marked for death. Will it be okay to be cool with me?
That’s a bad feeling when you’re lonely. I’d rather talk about what I’m doing wrong for her to feel the need to protect herself. I feel like I’m not allowed to ask. Everything I say is interpreted as an attack and I am a crazy person who doesn’t deserve help or intervention. Instead of feeling like I’m a good person, I feel like I am twisting her arm to be an emotional support friend.
She is busy, I write too much. It often annoys her.
A couple of weeks ago she said something about how I’m not interested in what she’s doing and only talk about myself. That’s not exact phrasing, but it’s close. I asked her what she was doing the other night. She told me “just other stuff”.
I don’t want to act like this. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong until after and I keep doing it. I’m doing it right now. This is my outlet, so I don’t text people.
I wrote this to her yesterday:
“I don't know what to do.Tue 10:48amI feel like I can't say anything to you without being accused of being manipulative abusive man. How are men supposed to ask for help? If everything is perceived as a threat and there's a huge double standard in how they are supposed to take care of it themselves?
Tue 10:56amTell your best friend that you need to see a doctor. Tell your brother. Tell them that you can't because of the abusive situation you're in, lack of income, mental illness.Tue 10:57am They're not going to tell you, go do it yourself or to leave you alone.Tue 10:58am
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Still no smoke detectors...
Just woke up a bit ago. I am seriously thinking about going to the hospital. I promised Arielle I would. I haven’t made a promise to anyone in years. I’m going to take action to see a doctor.
My chest hurts. I’m starting to talk myself out of it. This is when I need to talk to people. I’m afraid to text her. She probably feels like I’m manipulating and forcing her to be friends with me.
Wouldn’t every relationship be like that if you perceived it that way, though? Her responses seem like they’re thought out to minimize interaction. She often speaks about boundaries, so she feels like she needs to have a weapon to defend against a threat.
Why is everything perceived as some sort of negative attack when I make my intentions and thoughts as clear and transparent as I can? Yes, I want to go to a hospital. Yes, I have said mean things to her. I don’t agree with it. I apologized. I have explained what caused me to do it and how I could prevent it in the future. I am honest and apologetic about my thoughts, intentions, and living situation.
.
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