journalofkenjinatxu

[journalofkenjinatxu]

Alright I want to die

Alas, today has come where the abominable days of my life have came, and now I am ought to fend off my own in sheer isolation, color me intrigued.

If only there were a roadmap guiding me to the realms of my dreams, but then again, it seems like nothing more than wishful thinking.

[journalofkenjinatxu]

I just want to leave this world. It's all useless and have no significance.

[journalofkenjinatxu]

IDK ANYMORE W/ MY USELESS LIFE I JUST WANT TO FUCKING END THIS I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO KILL MYSELF I WANT TO LEAVE THIS WORLD I

I'm thoroughly fed up with my existence merely serving as a grand spectacle for someone else's pleasure—a charade where I'm compelled to embody a persona that doesn't align with who I truly am. If only I am able to unleash the flood of my burdens, yet certain constraints prevent it. It's just I've been masquerading into the facade of ""I'm all good, no need to sweat it over me!"" when i am internally deteriorating away.

Within the recesses of my mind resides an internal maelstrom that persists unabated. To this day, I remain ensnared within the tumultuous throes of emotional chaos, where a disarray of melancholic ruminations and sentiments entwine. But when might I chance upon the tranquil respite that follows the ceaseless storm? This vast deluge of doubts, a myriad of uncertainties and perplexities abound.... Alas, all of these I've only spoken in hypotheticals, but never an indicative.

Nearly a cycle has passed, and behold, we remain entwined within the unyielding grasp of destiny's tether. Why? Why is the path of my scholarly odyssey carved to intersect with his once more? Why must I confront the formidable impediment of his presence out of all the myriad challenges I am equipped to withstand?

[journalofkenjinatxu]

بدي إن تموت، بعد كل كنت عملتلي

[journalofkenjinatxu]

聖誕晚會快到, 第二學期也要到著. 停止一下!! 時間過得太快了我都不能😭😭😭

發現第二學期還有體育課那老師說會有游泳課 這意味著給成績我得參加啦 啊啊啊啊 我該怎麼辦 不想再淹死 求心理陰影面積

[journalofkenjinatxu]

喔 哇 時間真的過得快快快

[journalofkenjinatxu]

Reflection of my Academic Life

Amidst my academic journey as an 11th grader in FSUU, I found myself wrestling to blend within my designated section. I languished in the crucible of isolation and ostracism, convinced of my own lack of favorability. However, when collaborative ventures emerged, compelled camaraderie ensued despite the underlying dissonance. The veneer of tolerance has masqueraded the truth, I discern authenticity from feigned friendliness. Despite their attempts, no one can beguile me, as I've traversed this quandary throughout my entire junior high school sojourn.

I'm aware, it's lamentable. Pathetic, to put it mildly. Yet, therein lies the crux of this discourse. Articulating my sense of inferiority that has wrought emotional anguish upon me since the dawn of my junior high school tenure. I've sensed a pattern evolving over time... A faux sweetness that surfaces solely for the purpose of utility. They cling until extracting what is needed or wanted, discarding me like an obsolete tool thereafter. And that profound experience is a hard lesson etched in the deep recesses of my being from those years. Not every soul merits the benevolence I bestow. Perhaps embracing my inner darkness isn't entirely undesirable. In fact it might just be a hidden boon, a guardian shielding my life from unworthy souls.

Consider this a symphony directed at each of my classmates, for I find my existence harmonious without the dissonance of your presence. I am elevated without the encumbrance of any of you. In spite of being illuminated by this insight, yet find myself powerless to rewrite the cosmic script. I'm destined to perform the narrative scripted by fate. Our world, a cosmic theater penned by the stars, orchestrates forthcoming events.

#dear diary #digital diary #journal #my diary #online diary #deep thoughts #emotions #feelings #journal entry #diary entry #thoughts #academic life #school life #student diary #student journal

[journalofkenjinatxu]

oh no

Convocation is this wednesday and i havent passed my mini blog wkwkkwwk

[journalofkenjinatxu]

.......

這週實在憂心如焚。 學校事務堆積如山，已令我疲於奔命。 固然該休憩片刻，然需有先卻重擔，方可沐浴長眠的恬靜。唉，愁眉苦臉迎convocation，心係成績未達標，生怕差強人意，他人得分皆高翹。雖然有所斬獲，成績喜人，不過未盡全功。

[journalofkenjinatxu]

//vent

after all that traumatic crap u did to me and smh u can sleep at night w/o any sense of guilt.🖕 ldm你節操掉了一地, 屌你到地球的核心 希望你掉進火山裡4喇 偶沒遭受八個月創傷後應激障礙才看見你活得似乎負沒有血債一樣 你所刺痛我心房之後, 遺留下的傷痕, 宛如長存深淵裂痕, 難以封閉. 吾永遠難以複原, 你所賦予的痛苦實于難以承受. 爾等罪孽, 恒難赦免. 願你身處九泉之深, 涸澤而逢不得安甯. 願罪惡如影隨形, 終生伴隨于你. 汝罪孽永留天隅, 惡行如影追隨. 我並不想你致歉, 倒願你身敗名裂, 欲汝沈入歲月長河, 永遠隱匿于大地之下.

#vent tag #vent blog #vent post #vent #tw vent #venting #personal vent #im so tired #vent tw #online diary #digital diary #my diary #dear diary #journal #journaling #journal entry #personal journal

[journalofkenjinatxu]

idk what to add for title

This day nothing much has happened here in class, the whole morning was spent in film-making for a collaborative PT (MIL, 21st Cent. Lit, USCP, & RelEd). Albeit we have a lecture for P.E,,, that doesn't count. As for the time to be spent in Science & 21st Cent. Lit, it's actually diverted for the mass in Culmination of the Holy Rosary, which I didn't attend since I am not ought to join for not being a Catholic. In that perspective I think masses are a sign of freedom to rest. I guess so, (?

Today is Mathematics classes and there's nothing to do but to have an oral recitation. And given that I have finished at the last day I choose to work on my Oral Com activity which is also finished and to pass soon.

In conclusion, nothing much happened wkkkwkkwkwkw

[journalofkenjinatxu]

vent post (targeted)

I've been carrying this weight for what felt like forever, and it's like the scars inside just won't close up. It's as if my mind is being torn apart, leaving just a single fragment behind. The ghosts of my past won't stop chasing me, even in my senior high years, case in point; this academic year 2023-2024.. I loathe it. I'm desperate to break free from this mental prison that keeps replaying my own history and tormenting me. I'm utterly weary of donning a facade of magnanimity and unwavering composure while my world collapses like a house of cards.

Amidst everything else, his actions linger incessantly in my mind, a weighty burden that pierces and shadows my thoughts. It's a relentless ache, a ghost haunting the corridors of my emotions. The toll it's taken on me is profound, leaving scars that resist healing without the cost of self-inflicted pain. I acknowledge it was inadvertent on his part, yet the psychological imprint remains indelible. I've spent years unraveling, tears flowing ceaselessly, as if enlightenment took an eternity to dawn upon myself. Since then, I've felt that this turmoil is perhaps the consequence of my deeds, a penance for my crimes... Albeit all of this unfolded out of sheer coincidence.

The emotional havoc I've endured cuts deep. It's like a storm of anguish that's brewed within, morphing into an never-ending resentment and a vindictive rancorous unquenchable thirst for retribution that will not rest, not even in hell... Until it's satisfied by a reckoning in blood.

As the approaching semester looms, the prospect of diving into the pool for swimming class sends me swimming in the opposite direction. I decide to steer clear of that particular aquatic activity all for some academic grade in class. Two formidable buoys of rationale keep me anchored in my decision NOT to participate. What I can say for the reasons of my motives for steering clear might be tangled up in certain limitations, yet... Among one of them is that I have a traumatic history of drowning in the water as well as a petrifying encounter with jellyfishes, deluded in the notion that they are toxic and venomously lethal. As for the other one.... erm, Let's just say I hanker after aversion from the presence of a certain individual. My apprehension stems from an ominous premonition of my inner consciousness whispering in my ear. Should I venture into the waters at swimming class at his attendance, I dread a recurrence of the haunting ordeal I have once endured may become possible.

Turn the page and let the past fade into the rearview? But how...

#vent post #tw vent #vent blog #vent #vent tag #pers #venting

[journalofkenjinatxu]

Intersection

好嘢～最後我學校生活很好, 來這裡沒後悔. 因為我沒見到那傢伙, 但是既然他來我就不舒服. 拜託了幫我呀 他存在足夠的時間足夠考驗我的理智喔. 日子被毀了.

他缺席原因與他禮拜三參加比賽有關. i think (?

我要死了

[journalofkenjinatxu]

雖然那傢伙是我死敵，隨著時間推移我怨恨開始減弱。

[journalofkenjinatxu]

Am I healing?

The more I come to school whilst seeing him, it's already a challenge of my mental stability. But over time I began to be able to manage my emotions and as well as my mental health, controlling myself from a nervous breakdown.

Maybe at some point in time I feel more okay now. I am healing from my past traumas which is a good thing ofc, since over the days it has took away my mental health & sanity, putting me to insanity over some random guy I just met in 10th grade.

I hope this goes on, I am bound to forget him and anything about him. The storm is gradually dissipating & I am seeing a crystalline rainbow at some point in time.

[journalofkenjinatxu]

hahaha

I'll be honest at this point. I hate him & I will never forgive that living bastard.

[journalofkenjinatxu]

Sentimental Damage

Today was suppose to be a good day. But I guess this afternoon has came to my uttermost disappointment. Now that he came, I guess this afternoon is going to be tough. And on top of all that the fact he scored 34/35 in science is triggering envy.

Long story short, I feel envious that he got a near-perfect score while I spent my spare time to study for science exams got only 27/35 ?????? ok. im clearly dumb. I think.

As his presence haunts me in class, I feel like each drop of my mercy depletes until there is nothing left. im dying. losing sense of who I was. Over time I feel like I want to snap and burst all my anger out, but I have to hold it in. Bottling my emotions is the thing I've been doing for the past months. Life is genuinely testing my sanity. I feel more and more sentimentally damaged the more I encounter him.

I hate my life. I hate this class. I despise almost everyone. Hahaha. The hate is burning in my skin, 3rd degree.

This school year is absolute bullshit for me. I hate this year. I hate that he's become my classmate until now despite anticipating that he will be in a different section. But St. Patrick? Nah. I object this. I highly detest this revelation. Him being an ABM student is the least I expect. I never thought he'd choose that strand albeit showing characteristics that a STEM or HUMSS student will have.

I feel damaged for the past months, like 10 months now. I'm slowly healing from the trauma but over time it reoccurs. My damages return at one point it in time. I feel like I'm crying at this point.

Maybe starting today, from someone who I found interesting... Now become my sworn enemy for the rest of the school year. I think it's time to stop lying to myself, and now express my actual thoughts through this blog. I hate him now. My thoughts and emotions tells me I resent him for the rest of the year. Until then, there will be no internal peace until I take revenge.