ren-o-graphics
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my favourite anti-aging methods are inner peace, forgiveness and minding my business
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I'm disappointed in the way he's dealt with conflict
Saying you'll address it days later, but then not addressing it.
I called and not returning my call but making small talk via text
Then saying you'll call me but then not getting back to me.
I'm just hurt by it all, because I expected him to handle my feelings with importance and care.
From how he conducts himself on socials to how he's cared for- or shown the lack of care. It's all a turn off. Lack of consideration for me, that's how I see it.
Things are compounding for me, building a wall. I don't like it here....
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We got into a dispute as he called it over social media.
I do not want a fan boy- I always get stuck with them. The wondering eye boys. Cross eyed when they see pretty women boy. Literally every boyfriend was a wonderer. Why do I end up with these types. The epitome of my Dads issue, just on repeat. I get admiring beauty but can we have some decorum, some tact, some consideration.
IT comes down to wanting someone to choose me. Solely pick me, is that too much> Is that unreasonable> Is that unfathomable.
Men in my life, have indirectly tampered with my perspective of other women. I know I have to take some accountability but it always felt like a competition. In childhood with my siblings, vying for attention from our parents. Then as a school girl, attempting to reap some sort of acceptance but never being that girl. High school, I was likeable but not super well known. Again I wasn't the it girl.
Early twenties... I had the open relationship where he choose her over me. Then the corn ball looking for validation on socials. Ugh I hope that's not a reflection of me. Look at what I've become. I digress, my ex who was a nightmare and completely objectified women from the depth of their vagina's to the way their tits sat on their chest.
I danced, and enjoyed the attention of the stage finally spotlight on me... So I can acknowledge all of this and realize the problem is me. Yes he can be more mindful of his interactions but how... how do I make the bad feelings stop. On the next episode of ....I need another therapy session to figure this shit out.
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Binge episode NOT
I did not binge today. I did eat off plan a little but huge progress nonetheless. Despite the immense emotional feels I had.
What did I eat off plan.. chicken back from soup- fairly small pieces. Additional piece of steak, which was satiating. More protein not mad about that. Then salsa as a condiment which isn't high in calories or anything. I'm in bed an hour earlier than yesterday- but still extremely late. Much better! I'm going to get back to my 5am mornings by next week and I'm super excited to see how my body responds to measured consistency
Now I did not go to the gym at all, which typically would freak me out, But this morning I was running late and high off agitation then at night I allowed myself to get caught up in a incident which had me leave work late. I could of still went but I questioned the rest of the night.
Regardless I am very happy- Day 2- lets go!
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Binge episode one
Today was a good day. I ate what was on the plan.
Where I went wrong, I had additional beef, half a cup of Jasmin rice and one bag of smart popcorn oh and one orange- a small one.
REGARDLESS we need to do better
one win, was I vowed not to eat bread and I actually sustained. I also sustained from eating butter and carrot cake. In retrospect I actually did great,
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It's been a minute
I feel distant.. but securely distant. Like we don't need to talk everyday. He initially pushed this I guess. within the midst of also becoming complacent with catching up whenever he could. Since out last little relationship rift I do see he's trying. He calls me when he gets home. I watch his sort cards, he calls me at work and we chat. we've been talking consistently. Sometimes I forget but in the past days we have had 1-3hrs conversations. I set a date night time up and we just chatted some more, as he drew. Usually we engage in an activity together but this time I was greatly content just watching and diving into conversation.
Sometimes its easier to get caught up in negative thought. The "What he's NOT doing" or what he's doing instead. It's easier to let go of those expectations and just let it flow into what it naturally will form into. It cam go so many ways, and by harping or focussing on the negative... it takes me away from 'What is...'
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Alright I'm off the ledge y'all....
We spoke, we connected.. My heart feels content now. Thats what I need to keep in mind. I'm sorry I get caught up in my feelings and forget about these moments. I forget what I've experience cause I'm so concerned about this narrative I've created in my mind. I mentioned us going on a date and he said, just pick the date and time and he will make it work for us. He also said he was proud of me making progress on my financial journey. That means a lot, he's proud of me..... he's easy. Doesn't need much, today I asked about filling his intimacy cup and he explained he doesn't need that. he content with being alone. I'm similar but I also live differently which makes me not alone..
he also said he enjoys silence. coming home to nothingness would be perfect. low maintenance.... doesn't care for gifts. his comfort food is cereal.
I think I can live with that one thing that triggers me. My triggers aren't lasting long. Soon they will disappear.
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Damnā¦ time changed alot
Lil' Kim as 'Diamond' in 'Moesha', 2001.
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Letās talk about the past- the last three boyfriends and social media
earliest boyfriend/ open relationship. He would recieve nudes as I was right next to him. They knew about me and engaged. Maybe they enjoyed the attention, affections, and kink to it. Openness of the relationship let Mr feeling unsupported, because inevitably he chose the new girl over me. At least that what I recall it to be.
next boyfriend- said he didnāt use social media, but would lie and get girlās socials while out. He also had a online relationshipsā¦ or maybe it was just talking but they met for drinks unbeknown to me. He ended up cheating on me, sexting her while we are celebrating him. Found out her slept with her on āourā bed. The same bed I cried inā¦ unbeknown to me, till after when I called the girl. Also, she gave him Chlamydia. Luckily God spared me.
last one- the worse. He would send me black fit women he thought I resembled. He would compare me to fitness influencers. He only posted my leg and the investigation was on. Home girl found me and attempted to catch an attitude with the wrong one. Because seriously Iām a lover not a fighter, and how are you going to cuss me out with I dead ass didnāt know you existed. Long story short I got the full gambit of pictures and videos of them chilling together. The sour part was with I cared for him during his moment of having Covid- he took his infected Ass to her (to smoke) instead of home. It hurts like hell to believe someone and the entire time their playing in your face. Fucking another person WWE RAW! UGh
so yāall see itās always been the baine of my relationships. I donāt feel emotionally safe with men, because thereās always another woman. Ugh this probably stemmed from my cheating ass daddy. I never saw it, but the fruits of his disloyalty come in the form of brothers and sisters.
a lot to unpack and unlockā¦ so I know itās not him alone. His actions trigger me because of my fucked pass. Dealing with the wrong menā¦ sigh. They donāt get to ruin this relationship. Thatās not fair to me or him. I donāt see how he can help me with this- I think this one might just be meā¦
i struggle with wanting my man to have full autonomy and a sense of freedom, with also respecting my own boundaries. But truth is, you sacrifice some freedom to commit to one person. Anyways Iāll get back to this, but maping out how my past interrupts my present was quite therapeuticā¦ thank you selfā¤ļø
Side note: but I want a man that supports me. Not just on the day of, but affirm me. Double tap, comment, tell me how you feel about me often, so itās at the forefront of my mind. I want a man thatās proud of me, wants to show me to his ppl- on social media to. Not hiding- like getting to a place where we are in each otherās DMs laughing at the attempts. (Maybe notā¦ not sure if Iād be ready for that or just ultra paranoid) but damn claim me, want me and remind me Iām lovableā¦ Iād that too much to ask for?
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Iām feeling sick when I see it
Iām really struggling with it
reprogramming my brain to believe it doesnāt mean x,y, z
i wish it didnāt trigger me, such an unpleasant feeling. I can let it goā¦. I have many days Iāve gotten irritated and let it go. Iām proud but Iād like the trigger to no longer be a trigger.
there are soooo many. I feel protectiveā¦ Iām saving myself from being even more emotionally damaged. Im not into men, that thirst after other women. I donāt have another word for itā¦ earlier on I tried to combat these feelings by saying maybe if I felt fully supported then these feelings would subside, but they havenāt. He hasnāt really supported me online like I would want him to. Organicallyā¦not forced, and he said it himself if someone has to tell him then he didnāt want to in the first place. So whatās the point of communicating my feelings about how to love me if clearly he does not want to In the first place. In addition we are fighting the distance- how do we hang on. How do we keep the connectionā¦ the trip got cancelled and thereās been no talks about whatās next. I havenāt brought it up because Iād like to see how he naturally moves.
honestly the social media thirsting makes me wanna yak sometimes. Itās OD, your spamming these ladies. They all look the same, itās completely sucked the fun out of my explore page. Even if I wanted to be in the community of black fit girls my manās a huge fan. I feel embarrassedā¦ I feel like fuck it. I canāt handle it- please go have your insta fantasies, link ups, orgy parties. Idgf -im out byeā¦ just to protect me- so its fear. Iāve had horrible experiences with infidelity and social media. Common story Iām sure. Thatās not his business- but I get triggered and I donāt know what to do with the Feels. So for now Iāll observe them. They will come and they will go- I hope I can talk to him about it. But what would I sayā¦. Iām uncomfortable? Iām insecure? Iām nervous? I do not feel secure when I see this? I donāt feel loved?
i think maybe if he lived here- it would be easier to stomach. But because heās far- we are distant loversā¦ sometimes I donāt feel like heās my homie. I dunno- I signed up for this pen pal relationship. Tough shitā¦ I love him this Is Just hardā¦ hard relationship feels and this distance d doesnāt help.
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i think this is anxiety
rumination
i stay up
i have to and down emotions
i overthink
ruminate on the overthinking
sleep deprived
happy happy happy
then
whatās the point of living
i think Iām going to die soon anyways
so
Whatever
i love life and just wanna be kind to ppl
see the energy is inconsistent
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sometimes it feels like Iām pouring into a rock. Iām going to stop. Turn inward- I canāt afford this.
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Iām choosing happiness
Iām choosing not to overthink
Iām choosing to stop intrusive thoughts
Iām choosing differently
because I hold power over my mind
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1/30/24
he said his kidā¦
usually heāll say ours
trying my best not to overthink it, do not assign unnecessary feelings to things.
but i needed to record this, for what reason. Maybe to hold onto being right. Smhā¦. Trying my best to manifest the opposite of what has been occupying my mind.
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