happyherringbonkpickle

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watching all my symptoms disappear when i stop having an fp thinking "i've finally cured it!" (i haven't)

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It’s my birthday today and I’m fighting the birthday depression so hard. 😭

#actually boderline #borderline problems #being borderline #depressing shit #bpd #actually cluster b #boderline personality disorder #actually bpd #cluster b #mentally unwell #kinda depressing #tw depressing thoughts #borderline things #living with borderline #borderline personality traits #actually mentally ill #mentally drained

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Stupid me 😮‍💨😮‍💨

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I’m 100% sure I’m gonna die by my own hand

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6:26 AM

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needing to die so bad rn

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one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

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#actually boderline #borderline problems #being borderline #actually cluster b #depressing shit #cluster b #actually bpd #boderline personality disorder #bpd #parenting #mummy issues #mentally unwell #daddy issues #borderline personality traits #trauma #childhood #neglect #negative #mental health #heartbreak

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women's thighs. you agree. reblog.

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[ID text — I met evil when I was only a child.]

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like actually for real how do I continue on for the rest of my life

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“Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.”

— Charlie Chaplin in a letter to his daughter, Geraldine

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I hope you'll forgive me if I decide to commit suicide.

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I just want to loose weight🫠💔😭

#actually boderline #borderline problems #ana buddie #ana tricks #ana trigger #depressing shit #actually cluster b #being borderline #actually bpd #cluster b #boderline personality disorder #in pain #bpd #anatumblr #tw ana diary #tw ana rant #tw eating issues #tw ed but not sheeran

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I hate that I’m like this😭

being a junkorexic is so weird because yes I am terrified of gaining weight yes I still eat like shit