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I make myself laugh rlly

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You can't guilt trip me into becoming pro endo

Note: don't go witch hunting this person down. I do not condone harrassment

#anti endo #did system #endo dni #system flags #system things #plural system #system #dissociative system

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sorry i didn't text back i've been having a bad day since i was like 12 years old

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Thinking about how Jon said he was a deeply annoying child and then listed textbook symptoms of autism

#tma #the magnus archives #jonathan sims

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Mutuals I want you to know that if you are feeling down I am handing you little heart stickers through the computer

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" What scares you about moving in with me? Are you scared of me? "

This is a different kind of scared.

The kind of scared that makes my bones ache.

The kind of scared that makes it hard to breathe.

The kind of scared that makes every muscle in my body tremble.

Everything in me is screaming to run but if I keep running the quicksand will swallow me and I'll just be stuck forever.

But I can't out run the memories that chase me every day

The same memories that caused this fear

The same memories that caused my ribs to never fully heal

The same memories that cause the panic that makes my chest tight

The same memories that caused my body to shake

But you aren't what I'm scared of.

I'm scared of the man that plagues my mind,

The one I wish could be removed with a surgery

The one that haunts my nightmares.

The thing that scares me, will always scare me

My brain will always give me flashbacks to those wretched days.

But I don't want to run from you

Just my memories

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The thoughts in my head are too loud I want them to stop I don't want to think anymore

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When I was a kid edgy alternative teens/tweens used to draw scary gory demented vent art and it was literally fine cause it was just kids trying to act ~sick and twisted~ in like a quirky way to cope with the world like literally just reading JTHM and going “that’s so cool I wanna draw like that” but nowadays a kid can’t draw like a Nightmare Before Christmas-esque creepy face without a bunch of true crime girlies going “oh my god they’re literally the next Jeffrey Dahmer their parents need to put them under observation or something before they start murdering animals or something”

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I will be like "I'm fine" and then another fucking event will occur

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I just wanna say… From the bottom of my heart… Get the fuck away from me if you have bad intentions

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Apparently this needs to be said so

Forgetting things is morally neutral! Memory issues are morally neutral!

You're not a bad person if you...

forget things quickly

forget people

can't remember entire stages of your life

can't remember important things

can remember some things very well and forget other things all the time

can't remember things (or anything!) about your interests

forget to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, etc

forget to reply to texts

remember things and immediately forget them again

can't remember birthdays, events, etc

frequently answer 'I forgot' to questions

can't retain new information

forget things you used to know

only remember things when it's too late

have vague, distorted and/or unreliable memories

depend on others to know how an event you were in played out

have other symptoms that are worsened by memory issues and vice versa

... and anything else I might have missed!

#lmao my parents literally told me that forgetting is a sin

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I’m sitting alone in my apartment, movie paused, pizza unfinished, clock ticking. It’s still an hour behind, even though daylight savings was months ago.

My cat chirps at me to play with her, but I can only blink back, paralyzed with despondency.

Today wasn’t hard. I woke up punching the air again, but the sun was shining, I got good numbers, and reconnected with friends.

Yet somehow, I can’t be with people, and I can’t be alone.

In the months leading up to when my friend left the job, she’d have this thousand-yard stare into nothingness, only spoken when being spoken to. I feel I’ve replaced her now, seeking out solitude in window seats and books, my previous exuberance abandoned.

I can see others’ concern for me on their faces. I can feel how unpleasant I am to be around.

But, dear friends, tell me - how am I supposed to go on when the sound of jangling keys sets my teeth on edge?

How do I pretend things are fine when the sight of passing police cars causes a rock to drop into the pit of my stomach?

In my favorite podcast, a character got arrested, and the clicking of handcuffs made me dissociate for the rest of the drive. At work, my team lead grasped my arms behind my back to help me stretch, and I almost cried out in terror.

I’m scared almost all the time, and when I’m not, I’m mentally back in that cell, surrounded by concrete greens and grays with non-elastic clothes stinking of bodily fluids, shivering from a type of cold that the course blankets couldn’t ward off.

I scared the shit out of my mom when she got off the plane to seven missed calls from Snohomish County Jail, only to not hear from her child for three days. It wasn’t my fault though. They wouldn’t give me a book, or even my meds.

Just as I counted the seconds going by in solitary confinement, I count the seconds from my final break until I clock out. The similarity used to cause me panic attacks, but now, it’s plain old misery.

So here I sit after another day of pretending that everything is fine. My only comfort in jail was knowing that time’s arrow marches only forward - it does so, as I confine myself to my studio apartment, as well.

Having been on testosterone for nearly two months, it’s hard to cry. But when the tears finally fall, they don’t stop.

Time’s arrow marches only forward, and so must I.

But oh, how I wish everything would stop.

#ptsd #trauma posting #post traumatic stress disorder #trauma #journal #personal rant #dissociation #panic #panic attack #anxiety #anxiety attack #flashback #jail #arrested #police #fuck the police #acab