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dzuzek · 6 years

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What anorexia is really like

(BASED ON PAST EXPERIENCE) (compilation of my two posts)

always being cold at school and shivering

wearing a jacket in the summer. below 20 degrees C and I’ll be wearing a full on coats, warm socks and boots.

brittle, chipped nails making manicures last longer than 5 minutes impossible

not being able to enjoy life

all i think about is food or my ed. what on earth do other people occupy their minds with? i don’t remember anymore

obsessed with collecting recipes, cooking for others, looking at foodporn even when i don’t touch the food myself

making plans or wanting to go eat somewhere with or without other people but never ever going through with it

going out anywhere gives me anxiey

having to wear baggy things so i don’t scare people too much with how thin ive gotten so they don’t ship me off to ed rehab or something

never getting to show off/embrace my weight loss

don’t you dare touch my bones

no libido or interest. i don’t even want to flirt. leave me alone.

lying for hours just tracing my bones and wasting my life away

losing my fertility and ability to have kids one day

amonerrhea is actually really scary

gross lanugo everywhere

i don’t even have the energy to cook or eat hence i get even less energy

binging from time to time because I’m so starved

my ugw keeps changing to get lower and lower. its never enough. theres always something to criticize

not being able to appreciate my weight loss because of BDD. i still see fat and feel fat where it has gone. i don’t see my body for what it really is

insomnia

standing at an angle difference of 0.00001 degree and wondering which angle is lying to me and in which i look fatter. the fatter one must be the real one.

i can’t see my weight loss. its like its not there.

uncomfortable when others point out my weight loss so i try to hide it. avoiding anyone who cares too much about my weight loss

also sad when no one says anything about it

not trying the cool new foods or enjoying things because I’m so determined not to bloat

conflicted about the beach because then everyone will see just how skinny i really am and they’ll get worried and try to intervene

realizing ive gotten dangerously close to dying of cardiac arrest or worse. wondering if I’ll wake up in the morning.

blue nails like those of corpses

my thick, beautiful, healthy, luscious hair fell out and I’m left few a few pathetic strands that I’m afraid to touch since even though theres almost nothing left i continue to lose hair

osteoperosis for life & the bones of an 80 year old woman when I’m not even 20 yet

alienating myself from everyone, including my friends

not going out to parties etc

panic when someone cooks for me

purging is insanely addictive

bloodshot eyes

decaying yellower teeth. chewing whitening gum or whitening my teeth in some other way

sickly protective of my ed even though i hate it because now its part of me

I’m a lot weaker physically

i can’t think straight, theres always a fog bc my brain isn’t getting enough calories

short attention span

always tired and wanting to sleep and not do anything, but insomnia kicks in so instead i lie on the bed for hours and hours and hours

stressful shopping trips. checking every label. choosing the foid with the lowest calories, even if it tastes grosser.

sometimes chewing pack after pack of gum or a pack of cough drops for my cold makes up my daily calorie intake and adds up to 300-400.

refusing to take any medication for any sickness, especially cough syrup

being sick with things like the common cold, cough & sore throat for four or five months instead of a week or two

idek how long it would take anything more serious to pass

stomach pains from eating and from not eating

a genuine fear of food

my body looking unproportional to my head and feet because its gotten so small

whatever hair i have left is dead despite all of the treatments i put in it, the eggs i try to wash it with to give it protein, the conditioners and the hair masks and cold water rinses and the oils

not being able to stop

despairing because when will this all end

depression. the only way i see out is the way i can’t take. I’m miserable.

i hate myself for having this ED

what is my identity without my ed? my ed is part of me!! existential crises and identity confusion

i can do this forever, even if I’m miserable

no i can’t i need a way out help

but theres no one to talk to

no one understands

everyone stigmatizes or invalidates or ostracizes etc

therapy? idk her

getting mad that i finally officially “qualify for anorexia” according to the APA even though ive been anorexic for a lot longer

oh so now all of you care when I’m dying and its too late

oh so now you shut up and stop asking me if i really want that food

oh so now I’m not fat anymore as you genereously repeatedly reminded me

bitterness

kidney failure and damage

liver damage

serious nutrient and vitamin deficiency

taking supplements but who am i kidding how much can they really help when I’m this bad

“I’m not hungry” even if i havent eaten in 6 days (I’m never fasting again though i refuse to slip into fasting/binging/purging again)

needing to purge even after eating only 5 calories worth of zucchini

vomit rises up even when i don’t want to vomit bc my body is so used to it

acid reflux

have a burned a hole in my esophagus yet?

i hate myself

i hate my life

my heart shrinks

bloating all the time even if i don’t eat

eating/drinking water makes it even worse so i stop even doing that

when was the last time i had a bowel movement?

where on earth are my bones i don’t see them even though my bmi is so so low

whats this fat on an obscure part of my body i can still grab oooh I’m still fat need to keep losing

the camera lies

the mirror lies

everyone around mevis lying

i know I’m fat i can feel it

irritable and low tolerance for mistakes of others

moodiness

starving 24/7

I’m so done i hate all of this and myself and everyone who let me get like this

still no one validates me or takes me seriously

nasty variations on “oh yeah she lost so much weight so quickly i think she’s anorexic” whispers behind my back. its not envy. ive become a freak to them. to the world.

tears slipping out & numbness. not the romantic kind but of pure sadness and despair and inner agony.

96. refusing to do a physical because i don’t want my doctor to catch on

97. delaying getting vaccines or otherwise refusing to go to the doctors until I’m 18 so that they can’t tell my parents or send me off anywhere against my will because I’m a minor

98. panicking when my parents want to take me to get a physical. making an appointment for a month or two away and then cancelling it when it slips out of their mind. just in case, pre-planning weird ways to fake weight by adding a water bottle to my bralette or taping weights to my belly or eating a lot of salt the night before to retain water weight.

99. a perpetual dizziness

100. standing up up and everything going dark for a few seconds. the time gets progressively longer. grabbing whatever is nearest. probably looking crazy to anyone watching.

101. bruising from my knees and ankles knocking together

102. soreness. my bones feel sore. my back can never get comfortable in any position, it hurts so much.

103. sitting is painful. my bony butt and poking out spine dig into the seat

104. bending over and wondering if my back will crack because it hurts so much.

105. zoning out and just staring out all the time. pretty sure its because my brain is calorie deprived.

106. having a hard time looking up/straight ahead and keeping my head up for more than a second or two at a time because I’m so energy deprived and my body succumbs to gravity more.

107. good posture feels most comfortable but is hard to maintain because of how much pain my back is in and how much energy it takes to sit up with good posture/oppose gravity.

108. drier skin. paler ghastly skin. thinner skin.

109. having problems buying clothes because even xs is too large. if the smallest size offered is a small, its too baggy to be flattering.

110. wondering if a stronger wind will blow me off my feet.

111. talking less. talking takes a lot of effort.

112. exercising even when sick. or the weather is poor. or I’m sore or in pain.

113. knees hurt

114. perpetual dehydration even though I drink more than enough water

115. coffee on an empty stomach makes me go to whole new dimensions and worlds

116. did I dream it or did it happen? waking up at weird times at night. not remembering in the morning/not being sure if I was hallucinating, awake or dreaming.

117. appetite and hunger dissociate.

118. cravings almost completely disappear. but when they periodically reappear, they are extremely demanding. it takes all of my conscious focus and self control to not succumb to them.

119. is it water weight? how did I gain/maintain weight while restricting????

120. perpetual nausea

121. sickly enjoying the pains of hunger

122. disassociation of hunger pains and recognizing hunger.

123. lightheadedness

124. being extremely self aware, reading up on my ED, checking every “do I have an ED” quiz and passing with flying colors, qualifying with every symptom and being almost sure of my ED diagnosis but still questioning if I even have an ED or if I’m faking it/a wannabe

125. hair gets flatter/loses volume

126. actually not being able to eat in front of others. especially if someone makes any kind of comment about food, dieting, weight loss, staying in shape, etc.

127. getting frustrated when I hear people talk about dieting and losing weight and being adamant about the idea that they know how to lose weight. esp when I can tell all of ways they are making mistakes and self sabotaging. not saying a word though because it would blow my cover. even when I do try to help, getting brushed off with “you’re wrong, how would you know” and choosing to let the topic go instead of explaining that I’ve been losing a ton of weight successfully and I actually know what I’m talking about.

128. throwing away food

129. ruining food so I’m not even tempted or throwing away half before I eat it so I can’t binge on it even if I wanted to

130. intense cutting/slicing of food to try to fool myself I’m eating more than I am. dividing a single serving into fifty billion portions.

131. deep self hatred

132. losing weight and my ED become my top priorities

133. eyes loose their twinkle

134. getting stupid comments and treatment in response to my ED and choosing not to say anything rather than fight because their ignorance takes too much energy to argue against and they will never understand or even really try to. being hurt that no one really understands or tries to listen. hurt that everyone has their wrong conceptions of what EDs are like/how to treat them/deep rooted misunderstanding that they refuse to change or modify.

135. hearing “stop you’re too smart to have an ed. just eat. stop being stupid” as if intelligence has anything to do with it.

136. being threatened to be exposed/taken to therapy/losing various privileges/things if “I don’t stop”. but I can’t stop!!!! and they’re making things worse and enforcing my need for control over something in my life even more. making me feel even more miserable because I can’t stop.

137. sniffing food to fool my hunger.

138. compulsively and subconsciously grabbing at my fat to remind me to stay on track. especially my hip fat and thigh fat.

139. rocking back and forth when hunger pains are especially strong and grabbing at my thigh fat, all just to stop myself from eating.

140. I am literally unable to eat most of the time, even if I want to be able to. literally forcing myself to eat at least a little so that I can stick to my “plan” and avoid binging.

141. all I ever want are sweet treats. all I don’t want are sweet things. it’s an extremely confusing paradox.

142. my tolerance for sugar has gone down. apples and plain cottage cheese are too sweet.

143. eating something and feeling hungry again 30 minutes later.

144. intense planning, scheduling, etc. setting extremely strict rules and habits and obeying them almost unconditionally. it becomes even harder to eat if certain conditions aren’t met, like I don’t have the same plate or same utensils or I’m not sitting in the right seat.

145. getting really good at hiding my ed from my family and friends and being sickly proud of it.

146. being “really good at my ed” and being sickly proud of it. to the point where I could write a detailed guide on how to be anorexic and someone could follow it flawlessly.

147. refusing to do so though because anorexia destroyed my life and I would never let someone else do that to themselves. I had no warning, no one to tell me. I fell into this without anyones advice or Tumblr or the internet. I had no one to tell me what was coming and no one told me that the weight loss and the symptoms/depression/everything else are inseparable and that you cannot just lose like an anorexic and not become anorexic. I had no idea what was coming. I just started restricting one day and found out about everything else gradually over time. now I desperately want to protect everyone else from anorexia and bulimia.

148. irrational panic: does lotion have calories? does toothpaste?

149. not being able to eat anything prepared by others because I don’t know what they put in it/If they used oil/how caloric it is

150. eventually even the 2-5 calories from gum feel like they’re too much for the day

151. thinspo albums on my phone to help me stay on track

152. things that I once considered thinspo suddenly become too fat and I look for increasingly bonier and thinner thinspo

153. anger at everyone else for eating what they want. frustrated that people can eat junk and sugar and as much as they want and maintain and I can’t even eat a salad without gaining anymore.

154. basically killed my metabolism. it burns half the normal amount of calories.

155. scarily low heartbeat and low blood pressure. bradycardia and arrhythmia.

156. feeling for a pulse and heart beat and not being able to feel it and wondering if I’m actually alive or not.

157. theres a period where I hate shopping because I don’t know if Im going to get skinnier and I still can’t bear to look at my body and try things on. this phases in and out.

158. knowing a ridiculous amount about dieting and weight loss and reading articles on it. not sharing the information with anyone so no one gets suspicious.

159. basically a walking textbook on anything pertinent to EDs, nutrition, weight loss, human anatomy, etc.

160. forever compulsively checking on the back of my shirt to make sure its covering my hips because my hips feel perpetually fat

161. having the same problem areas that just don’t seem to get fixed. the non-problem areas feel like a bonus in weight loss and are noticeable though. for me, my hips/back/waist never ever look skinny, but my thigh gap is a bonus and I can distinctly tell I lost weight in my legs.

162. wondering if the people posting thinspo are sucking in because my bmi is so low and keeps getting lower yet I look nowhere as bony as them. angry when it’s obvious they’re sucking in or posing but trying to pass it off as if they’re not because of the way their ribcage moves up or back arcs, etc. stop lying. stop giving me unrealistic expectations. I know what a body actually looks like at that bmi.

163. turning on my side and still having a little bit of stomach pulled by gravity, no matter how concave I am standing up.

164. wearing bodycon and having my hipbones obviously stand out. yet I still don’t see the weight loss.

165. disgusted with how other people eat/watching them eat. I literally lose any appetite or desire to look at food ever again for some time.

166. deeply hating myself for becoming more judgmental of people’s weights/them saying they can’t lose weight because if I begin to feel like if anyone were to really commit, they would be successful. judging healthy or overweight bodies when I see them as if they were my own, but not judging them when I think of them as someone else’s.

167. hating myself for becoming so bitter if I see someone skinny who got there without all of the pain of an ED or weight loss.

168. not wanting to be “thick” or muscled because I’m sick and it’s not about health. part of me wants to look sick and extremely bony, not just thin.

169. people’s misconception that people with EDs not eating or ever binging makes me feel invalid. embarrassment for eating, especially if it’s not healthy food or not in a small portion.

170. one day I can get a pizza with a friend and feel invalid about my ED. then I go six days without any food. sometimes eating anything and everything, other times not even being able to look at food. its so confusing and difficult to live like this.

171. “just eat something” “It’s just one treat, it won’t hurt you” “why can’t you just eat already?” “you’re such a poser” “stop trying to act like you have an eating disorder”

172. *parents seeing the news mention the movie to the bone* *turn around to me* “you don’t have anorexia do you?” “no of course not” and this being the end of the conversation in my life. because, you know, it’s not like my extremely rapid weight loss or refusal to eat and noting even hiding my habits from my family would give anything away.

173. at some point not caring if anyone notices my habits because what are they going to do? stop me? ha yeah right

174. “you’re going to die” “you won’t be able to have kids” “thats so unhealthy” tell me something I don’t know

175. frustrated even with movies like to the bone because of how unrealistic certain parts of it are. she doesn’t binge even ONCE. I don’t know of anyone with an ED who has never binged. it’s a biologically programmed evolutionary response. it’s not possible to not binge. people with EDs are not superhuman.

176. angry for others when people just think of anorexia and bulimia and don’t recognize other EDs. angry for others and for my past self because no one treats eating disorders seriously until severely underweight. angry that the APA put in a bmi requirement that makes everyone with an ED feel invalid.

177. angry that people think some of us are worse than others if one of us restricts or exercises or exhibits any kind of behavior “worse” than another. it’s not a competition. everyone is equally sick. stopping putting us on tiers in some hierarchy of deserving attention and treatment and validation. whether you restrict to 100 or 900 or whatever you do, you deserve the same concern because you are still suffering from an ED. and because things always always get worse, a 900 is just a 100 in making.

178. angry that recovery and therapy are so expensive and seem impossible in the modern life because of academics and school.

179. bad breath

180. knowing that if I look at myself in the mirror or weigh myself after eating/drinking I will have bloated/gained weight and that knowledge will pain me. doing it nonetheless and suffering emotionally.

181. even a 0.1 lb weight fluctuation/gain is devastating.

182. wanting to allow myself to eat anything I want for one day on my birthday/holiday/some one special day in the year. planning it for months in advance. not being able to go through with it the day of.

183. low key in denial about my ED. I’m not that bad. others have it worse. I don’t need recovery yet. I’m not that bad. I havent lost that much. I weight too much. I’m not sick. I don’t need to be hospitalized yet. I’m fine. Im healthy.

184. being competitive with my EDs compared to others. comparing progress. weirdly possessive and protective of my ED.

185. jealous of people that love their bodies. jealous of people who don’t have any mental illnesses and/or never had to suffer.

186. jealous of people who get a real chance at recovery. because no one in my life will ever take me seriously enough or understand or feel that my mental illness is real to do anything real about it.

187. angry at the fact that most people think weight restoration cures anorexia. weight loss is a symptom. if you can cure the thoughts and mentality, the healthy weight will come on its own. making someone gain weight only sets them up for more self hatred and a relapse.

188. 503985092384098 body checks and weight checks a day.

189. low key hating water because my body has come to associate with no food and nausea.

190. wanting to talk to someone about my ED but never being able to go through with it

191. looking drained, exhausted. my eyes sink in. it’s hard to think straight. I make stupid grammatical and spelling errors, along with making other stupid mistakes, repeating myself, forgetting things and experiencing lapses in judgement– my brain isn’t getting enough calories to function properly anymore. lose my natural blush. difficulty concentrating. head buzzing.

192. pushing on my stomach to stop growling. automatically denying hunger to others. lying about my ED to “protect” it.

193. any position, especially crossing my legs, for too long causes me to feel cold and lose feeling almost instantly.

194. nightmares about binging/eating/treating myself and waking up fearful, anxious and in literal tears.

195. constantly dreaming about food, hallucinating smells, dreaming about food, imagining how it would taste like, making lists of things I would like, saving recipes.

196. hating the feeling of being full or having eaten. serious depression if I eat. sleeping to pass time and so I can weigh myself again after I wake up. crying if I ate. crying about my ed. crying about my weight.

197. insanely good mental math skills

198. feeling alone

199. nostalgia for who I was before and the freedom I once felt.

200. hating my body type and bone structure

201. I can’t just eat something “without looking”

202. hair lacks natural oils. its super dry.

203. skin lacks natural oils. it too is super dry.

204. headaches

205. can’t see myself as a whole. fixation on certain body parts.

206. a feeling of weakness in my bones

207. abdominal pain

208. inability to heal cuts and bruises

209. popping veins

210. extreme sensitivity, very prone to tears and anger

211. having to use the bathroom all of the time because of all the water, tea and coffee.

212. worse memory

213. simultaneously wanting a hug but also being afraid of them feeling first my fat, later my bones.

215. leave me alone. I just want to disappear. I’m so tired of this lifestyle and I just want out but since I can’t, please just leave me alone for now while I try to cope with all my feelings and pain.

216. I can’t stop. I began thinking I was going to lose up to the border of underweight/healthy weight and only be like this for a month. It’s almost my one year anniversary and every time I think of my future, my ED is always there. it’s never leaving anymore.

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. YOU DON’T WANT THIS. IT RUINED MY LIFE. IT’S RUINED SO MANY OTHER LIVES. DON’T RUIN YOURS.

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