claroisamess

[claroisamess]

No vertigo, no fear, no "this is going to fuck me up", no shame, no pushing down or pushing back, not too much or too little.

Just enough, just enough.

No saying "I love you" just because my heart swells, no "he's the one" or "look at him"

No smarts no stupids, not scared for my life or so happy I could fly. My smiling muscles hurt and my hands, always cold and solitary, are looking for every inch of skin they can brush.

My eyes look through you and catch a mirror

My hand reaches and grabs my own

I can feel you on the back on my neck

Vulnerable as I am, undressing and pulled apart, observed and weighed, I feel closest to me I ever have

You said you were looking for it, a treasure only poets touch

Isn't that it

Kissing with a stare

I slept in your arms

Dreamt I said I loved you, it woke me in a cold sweat.

It's love because we don't say we love eachother

It should be painfully obvious

No fear, no fear, no fear

[claroisamess]

Contre toute attente

Tous les feux oranges, les alertes tempête, les panneaux de contre-sens et le désespoir haletant

Contre la logique, les manières, le nihilisme et la dépression saisonnière

Je suis là, dans les bras d'un garçon

Il porte le nom d'un autre et le visage d'un rêve

Il a les idées d'un livre et les mains d'un père

La douceur d'un oisillon et le rire d'un tenandier

De toutes les choses que je n'imaginais pas

Je crois que c'est toi que j'attendais

[claroisamess]

I'm packing my things up

Ohh the boys that have been in this bed

well not this bed, we changed it about a year ago but you get the gist

First one was Etienne, I think he slept here. Before we broke up and I invited Jules in the same bed the same night

Ben, who I thank for teaching me, but who almost humiliated me quite recently, after a 5-year no show from me

That guy who went to a daft punk show, he told me I was the best handjob he'd ever had, told me he loved me, and left a 3am

I'm getting anxious now, blushing bride

who else

I'm sure some I don't remember

The math teacher from the bar who I barely said a word to, who burped in my mouth and shat THREE TIMES during the night. But he picked me up so he gets points for that

Theo. The carer, the one who I understand now was fucked up. I'm 25 and I wouldn't even date a 22y/o so why is a 31 year old proposing to a 19 year old. I hope he's doing ok. Also we broke the bed frame, during one of the very few times we had sex (we were together for a year and a half).

EDIT: Simon !!!! Ahahaha forgot about that ginger prick. I really liked him, he told my he was afraid he'd be my sailor. I fell in love because he rejected me, I was "everything [he] could've wanted but [he] wouldn't admit it"

Alex. Alex was in that bed a lot. Alex. Probably one of the most staining memories of a guy is his. Whether it was all the sex or all the crying, he definitely had an impact.

Séraph. Ahhh Séraph. Love of my life. 4 years of the greatest, purest, most beautiful love. If you ever see this, you set the bar really high you know ? Tough to top you x

Ludovic. Worst sex I've ever had (sorry, it's up there with daft-punk guy). Worst I've been treated. He's bringing me to ikea in a few days to get my new mattress.

EDIT: Clément! Gave me head in the middle of the day and I stopped him because I was ashamed of the time I took. Very stupid idea. I should see him soon to make some music

(Then there's the friends, and the people I wish had stayed here. Julie. Annabelle. My dad. My mom. That guy I won't admit because it's very fresh and I'm quite ashamed. Adn of course wwe can't forget Bibi)

All of them. Ghosts. Their smell in the walls and their hand on the door. None of them really fullfilling the romantic needs a woman could have. Gosh, did I love in that appartment. For 20mn, for an hour, for years and years on end. For better, for worse, in sickness and in health.

I think I was very loved also. You don't look at a woman like that without loving her at least a little.

-

I met someone I could've easily fallen in love with. I think he would've been in love to. I am banned from loving anyone until I get a few things in my head. 1. The only time I felt like someone loved me how I wanted them to, it was out of sickness

2. I deserve more than this. I want to have converstions for hours on end and I want to learn and teach and and and and

3. Care and sex cannot but currency for affection. A guy telling you you're amazing when he's drunk doesn't mean much. And you shouldn't have to hold on to that like a precious object

-

All my books (ok not the cooking ones) are packed. Some are from high school. Some a week ago

I feel like I'm going to throw up

[claroisamess]

connard putain tpute la merde que tu l'envoie a la gueule pour me dire que tu va travailler sur toi et amler au final a des dates qui vont surement super bien se passer par e que hrace a moi tu sais plus etre égoïste mais tu t'en fou de moi je me suis fait briser le coeur par un connard qui se fout completement de ce que ke peux ressentir et j'arrive oas a m'en detacher j'avais reussi et il est revenu me chercher putain putain je siis tellement znervee et triste et quelle conne je suis tellement mieux que lui il meriterait pas d'etre da's ma vie mais j'ai tellement peur que ca se passe bien et qu'il l'embrasse ou qu'il l'aime bien ou qu'il la prenne juste dans ses bras je veux etre la seule ca me tord le bide d'y penser putain putain connard

[claroisamess]

the hummmm of the fridge and the cold wind in it

the cling of the neughbour's plates

the dog barking

Plume and Loki and the tortoise shell cat and the small black and white one

the snails on my windows when it rains

the kids' birthdays on sundays

the mold on the bathroom tile

the cow smiling on the rug by the door

the ghosts of him and him and him and him

one day they will all be gone and so will I

I remember when the rent was 450

[claroisamess]

I think I might get my hezrt broken again. Same guy. Pulled me in again. Or was I the one who did ? Everytime I act myself around him he seems to want me more. At a safe distance. At a scarily far distance.

I just want to know I matter. I don't think I do. Not as much as he does, not in the same way. Funny how someone terrified of rejection will make you live the worst case of it ever know to you.

He got scared when he didn't find me in his bed in the morning. I was happy when I wmelled his perfume again.

I don't know if he will ever love me. I don't know if he will ever say he likes me.

I think he's going to break my heart again but I can't pull away

#love #relationship

[claroisamess]

An update

Dans le train de retour des vacances. Feeling at peace. Les amis les amis les amis, le soleil et l'eau, toujours. Mon but était de revenir sans penser a Ludi. Je crois que ça a pas trop mal marché.

People should give you love for free for nothing for always. I feel my heart getting bigger each second I spent with all of them. Each second I spend with me too.

I am the best person I have ever been and I will only get better and better and warmer and larger and more and more and more.

I am so much more than I could have ever imagined. Je me regarde faire et je me découvre chaque jour et je m'aime un peu plus.

Hier j'ai revu Quentin. Ce serait trop long de tout expliquer ici. Il va mieux, il est toujours aussi beau, aussi solaire, I am glad all this love for him got to exist again.

Et le miex je crois, c'est que j'ai beau être contente qu'il veuille faire partie de ma vie, qu'il veuille m'embrasser, qu'il se soit excusé, je suis surtout, surtout heureuse d'avoir été moi. D'être bien, d'être la somme de tout ce qui fait de moi qui je suis et de tout les gens qui ont partagé ma vie et qui sont dans mon coeur.

Un mesclun de gens et d'amour et de soleil et d'eau plus de "et si" mais des peut-être et de l'amour et de l'amour et des amis et du soleil et de l'eau et mon coeur grand grand grand grand et la plus grande place est pour moi

#french #english #love

[claroisamess]

I'm lost. I can feel a big change coming. I'm scared. I'm eager. I'm lost

[claroisamess]

So he broke up with me

Quite unexpected I must say. I initiated it, but he was the one to break the news to me "je crois que je veux pas d'une relation amoureuse". He doesn't like me like that. On the other side, I love him. And it doesn't make sense. I did everything, I made myself pretty and better and kinder and softer. All the while he kept telling me he wanted me to be me. He made me a playlist, he cried into my arms and told me it was "love" at first sight. He now thinks he got overexcited. Oh right. Sorry for interpreting your acts as love. For the past month, he was distant and I had to plead for the slightest bit of attention. "Je me disais que peut-être en faisant ça petit à petit...". I got angry. Like, calm, hit where it hurts angry. I fucked him up, he cried a lot. It felt good, necessary. We ended uup crying in eachother arms. The thought of losing him, as a lover, the thought that he didn't want me was heart-wrenching. Gut-punch, ankle=tattoo, kicked my toe, funny-bone, growing pains. I smelled his perfume. It was the thought of not having me in his life that broke him. I'm angry. I saw him on Sunday, we walked his dog and talked, and talked and talked. He's not well so I invited him over for dinner afterwards, so I could make sure he would eat. He thought he's lost his wallet and started crying. "C'est la 4e fois que je pleure ajourd'hui". I had to hold him. I just had to. I couldn't not do it. I touched his hair, I smelled his sweat, I felt his body against mine. He touched my hair. I don't understand. Why would you stroke my hair if you don't like me like that. The hair that I made so sft with 2 masks and hair oil to be as beutiful as possible. Why would you touch my hair and let your hand hang on my thigh. Why would you pick a strand of hair and play with it. Why would you touch my hair why would you touch my hair why would you touch my hair "Est-ce que j'aurais dû t'embrasser?" (I asked the wrong question) "Non" I'm angry Why would he get to be deprived of the resposabilities that a relationship holds, while getting the same perks I would've always provided. I asked myself if I would do this for a friend. Yes of course. But a friend wouldn't get to play with my hair, a friend wouldn't get to put their hand on my thigh and bury their nose in my neck. A friend wouldn't get to make my neck hair stand up because I smelled their smell. A friend wouldn't do that. When he gets a new girldfriend, will I still act as one ? I'm incapable of letting him go for now. Unfit to be alone, unwilling to be without him. I have never seen anyone as beautiful. And he doesn't like me like that. He shouldn't get to have all of me but I give it all away. Willingly. Happily. I'm confused, and hurt, and angry and in love and still ion the negociation period of mourning. I wish he would read this and think "my god I am so stupid, I loved her all along, and I choose her"

#love #relationships

[claroisamess]

I want to move to Copenhagen

Let's talk jobs. I work in tech, yes I am a woman in STEM, un jeune cadre dynamique, a technobimbo, or whatever other fun term you want to call it. I started working in tech a little over 2 years ago, after getting a degree in cultural mediation and communication, working cool jobs and then odd jobs, and finally admitting to myself that I was both too poor and too much of a socialist to be able to do cultural work. The problem with that I think is that when I left the cultural world (music, to be precise), it was like a first breakup. Agonizing, freeing, horrible, wonderful, I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. I felt so ashamed that I gave up, but also proud that I made a choice. What I always viewed as my reason to live became nothing more than an anecdote. For a while, I stopped listening to music altogether, wouldn't watch any movies or read anything. I think it was too scary, because anytime I come in contact with the arts, it's like something rips in me. I wished, I hoped, I begged that I could be part of it, and when I was closest to it I left. I miss it more than any of my exes (sorry guys). Not only do I miss doing the work and participating in this world, but I miss how people saw me. Is there any feeling better than telling someone what you do for a living, only for them to answer "oh fuck, that's really cool" ? No. Or well, I haven't found it yet. My problem is, since I engaged with it in a professional way, I don't know how to do it as a hobby. I am also way to shy (and I am not very shy) and don't have enough confidence to just... do something. For a while I started writing a radio show (I used to do radio and was absolutely in love with it), but I ran into two issues: 1. I would have to ask a radio if I coud do my show there 2. I would have to keep it up, on my own (the plan was originally to do it with J but, well, she left, now doesn't feel like the time to talk about it) So I did nothing, as I always do. My greatest burden is being completely incapable of seeing anything through, even when it is right there, and then (obviously), feeling a hole of remorse openup in my chest. I could've had a weekly comedy snippet on a huge FR Radio and was just too scared and paralysed to record and send a demo, although they were the one to offer me a spot. I hope you never get to know what it's like to be 25 and feel likee you have let those 25years go by you and tumble you around, without having the slightest impact on it. I don't think I would go back to culture though. I don't think I'm brave enough, and I'm too old now, so my age is no longer an excuse for my incompetence/lack of confidence. But I still wish I could be part of it somehow, I just don't know how to do that. I don't think I will ever figure it out. So now I work in tech. I sit all day and I code and I solve puzzles of the mind and my work doesn't really bring joy to anyone, not even myself to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I love coding and resolving puzzles, it's just that my current position is, well, shit. Useless work, with technologies that I hate, on a project that is fueled by corporate greed. How great ! I'm hoping to leave soon, probably to my old job, we'll see how this pans out. In the meantime, I hate my life, and still dream of moving to Copenhagen, doing radio, or even just having a hobby. I feel like I am completely lost, even more lost than when I was 18, but it's probably not true. How do you find purpose in what you do when you do nothing else ? How do you get back to something you love, at peace, and not just do it the same way all over again ? How do you stop history repeating itself ? How do you change what is nature and not nurture ?

#work #burnout

[claroisamess]

Short rant about exercise

I never had a good relationship to exercise. First, it was the thing that I feared, I was always the fat kid at school and "medically don't know how to breathe", so P.E classes would always lead to semi asthma attckes, tears, self hatred and shame. My parents did try to enroll me in dance classes (had to quit ballet because I was too fat, and modern dance because I didn't want to do it anymore), and then I begged them to sign me up for horse-riding. My dad had to wake up at about 4am, once a year, to get me into one of the 14 spots that were partially paid for by the city council, just so their daughter could pretend to be one of the rich girls with a pony. I quit after 3 years, because I didn't want to compete, and also I wasn't very good. When I was 14, I discovered PopPilates on youtube. Ah yes, a 14 year old exercising for about an hour a day, how great. I hated myself. I did Victoria Secret models' workouts, barely ate, but thought maybe that was the way to get people to like me ? (it wasn't btw) I then discovered yoga, and fell in love. Ever since, we've had an on-off relationship. I know the good it does me, how much love and power and selfcare it is for me, but still can't keep it up. I don't know why, but I seem to be completely unable to stick to a routine, especially if it involves something that is good for me. I can't go to public classes, or bouldering gyms (I love bouldering, I will probably never do it again), or anywhere where I can be /seen/ exercising because, well, I was the fat kid. I don't know how to do this. But my health is rapidly declining, and I smoke more and more cigarettes each day. I work at a computer all day, and it feels like my body is rotting from the inside, but somehow, I don't think I will be able to take care of myself until I end-up in the hospital or something. How do you make yourself understand that maybe, just maybe, doing something that always made you feel good (i.e yoga for me), is going to make you feel great if you do it regularly ? My ex-therapist (she left, I love her), told me it was because it wasn't my priority right now, but sometimes I wonder if it itsn't because I'm just a self-loathing piece of crap. Also why are gym memberships so expensive ????? Anyways, going back to my regular schedule of chain smoking and hurting everywhere all the time. Can't wait.

#exercise #sport #wellness #health

[claroisamess]

Spilling my guts

I just rewacthed The Worst Person in the World (2021). Last time (first time) I saw it I booked a 4 day trip to Copenhagen,  although I could barely leave my appartment without breaking down. Last time (first time) I saw it I was in the middle of a huge mental health crisis, 23, in a long-term relationship, and the only thing I heard the movie tell me was "live a little".

Tonight (the second time) I created a Tumblr account in the hope that it would replace my paper diary, which I can't seem to write in anymore, even though I know the good it does me. I am now 25, in a relationship but single (I'll get to that later), still in a mental health crisis (burnout, this time). Tonight, all the movie seemed to be about was relationships, how they make you grew, how they make you small and big and new and old. How they're the best and the worst, how beautiful love can be.

I guess it's better, maybe I'm less of a mess, or maybe I've just accepted I don't have enough money to go on a trip.

A few months ago we broke up a 4 year long, beautiful relationship. I thought he was the love of my life. He did not think I was his. He made me both very little and much bigger. I care for him a lot

I met a guy. Perfect. Beautiful. Kind. Sensitive. Funny. Communist. But he also barely talks. He never really asks me question I think. He doesn't know if he is falling in love with me. I know I am, well I knew. I told him I loved him, I don't know if it's true. 

I want a love that feels like summer warmth. Something that takes you whole. But I never felt that, not from lovers. 

Actually no I did. But I didn't love them back. T and E, you were beautiful ouls, I hope you're happy. 

But everytime I am in love, it completely consumes me, and I give everything and more. But it never feels like I get as much. I'm at a point where I don't know if it's because I don't receive it or because I can't seem to perceive it. Je sais pas si je suis capable de ressentir des choses que j'arrive à peine à me donner. Ou si je n'aime pas la façon dont on me le donne. L est tactile, il fait attention. Mais il ne dit rien, et ça c'est difficile. S était pareil et je me suis dit plus jamais ça mais en fait je retombe droit dedans. Je pensais qu'il était parfait. Mais rien n'est plus étrange que quitter une relation ou l'on peut tout dire et tout faire, et devoir reconstruire ça avec quelqu'un d'autre. Est-ce qu'on parle moi parce que c'est le début ou parce que ça ne marche pas ? On se qu'on rigole moins parce que je ne le trouve pas drôle ou parce que je n'ose pas ?

Why do I still feel like I am single and empty if I'm supposed to be so in love with this person I barely know.

Comment je suis censée accepter d'être célibataire dans un endroit où j'ai ni amis ni famille ni hobbies ni un travail que j'aime ni un boulot que j'aime. I'm not working at the moment. Burn-out. Suspicion (but we're pretty certain). I went through it once, and still pushed myself. Stupid bitch. J'ai dit que j'allais être sympa avec moi-même mais franchement quelle conne.

I'm 25 and I'm scared of death more than anything. I've accomplished nothing, I'm never satusfied and I've lost most of my "good" years to anxiety. Now my shoulder and jaw constantly hurt and I don't have time to do anything fun. Or friends.

My therapist asked if I was depressed and I said no. 

Maybe I should've taken the antidepressants

I can't let this win

#burnout #love #relationships #depressed #fr #eng #bilingual