umbrellasinnebula

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The defenses of Halloween have fallen. Christmas has begun to spread over the rest of the year like a cancer, and the holidays earlier in the year rush to build any resistance they can muster.

#I did it horror style #the takeover form the perspective of a Christmas hater #I'm not yet ready to talk politics

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Log date 0003 - 20/11/2020 - around 6am

I’ve been havig a lot of downs. I guess I’m just tired, and want it all to get over. I haven’t slept this night, trying to do some stuff that were pushed for later. And I did that because I believe there is no running away from the responsabilities I have for myself, personally and professionally. It will not end sooner if I keep puching them away, they will only blow up in my face at due date.

I can make it better untill I can relax.

But the knowing that it will all come back eventually, ‘cause I’m trapped in this fucking capitalistic, apocalyptic, inhuman, ridiculous cycle. Aren’t we all. Maybe this time I can improve a little more. 

I cannot do but try. 

#overcoming mental disease #depression #anxiety #confiance #journal #brazil #diary

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Log date 0002 - 19/09/2020 - around 5 PM

Today is constantly reminding me of how little and pointless I am. I know, I know. I might be exaggerating a bit but, in the end, it is the raw truth. For every second I spend existing I puke a little for how stupid we all are. And I listen to their stories of anger and hatred and keep trying to understand how long they had to bottle all up for blowing so hard. Not like I’m anyhow better than this, I do have the oversharing and overexposing, and overthinking just like them. But again, in the end, we’re all fucked up trashes.

Then I need to go. I need to leave; I need to escape. Yeah, escapism. I often return to escapism around here, lately. I guess it’s a reason to believe, when you say it’s because I have no voice. Whatever path I choose does not impact things enough for the breakthroughs needed. I might’ve given up before I can see.

In the end it doesn’t matter.

So, I leave, I kick, I lie, mistreat. And I get to him. I know, boy meets girl bullshit, don’t even get me started. And I quickly forget all of that because is he so light, in many ways. I guess being in such a heavy environment makes me appreciate those moments more. And it isn’t like I have much choice. Then there I am, waiting for the time to come.

It’s great. To have him, to smoke weed, to have a good talk. I just missed that. Walking around for a bit, seeing people. It was all fun but I knew I’d have to leave. And now here I am, writing this, feeling the almost apocalyptic sun in all of its gradient yellow, orange and white invading the blue. I do feel peaceful, as much as I feel lonely and small. Pros: I am high as the sun.

#nihilistic #nihilist #nihilism #diary #journal #brazil #sad #lonely #peaceful #weed #marijuana #sun #short story

[umbrellasinnebula]

Log date 0001 - 09/07/2020 - around 00h

Today was a crazy day. I really feel sad, guilty and also angry. Because I see how much my lack of commitment with our house is hurting them but I can’t totally agree with the approach they chose to deal with this whole situation, by the way, I think it’s terribly unhealthy. It’s been like that for me. But hey, I know that it is for everyone. Funcking virus. 

I wish I could stay alone, like, completely, only my cat allowed. For maybe a week or a month. I really need to work on my self-evaluation, can’t do that if being constantly babysitted is as exhausting because I feel like I don’t have a voice. I might present some childish behavior but, hey, no need to walk around fixing my shit only to come up blowing that into my face later.

I might be blind or inattentious, but they bottle up to the point they burst.

But I am also happy, ‘cause I see a very healthy, I dare to say worthy relationship emerging from chaos. He understands me, we are so much alike, in so many ways, and in very many others we offer each other help and affection. Like every other relation, there are noises and misinterpretations, I guess has always been and will continue being. 

Anyhow, we are loving and caring, affectionate to each other, in a very romantic and intimate way. I really enjoy being around him. Sax is funcking amazing, he takes me heaven back from hell. 5 O’s one of the other nights. And we respect (or truly try to) each other’s personal space and outside sax/romantic life. Very poly, which is quite important for me these days. 

Clearly, I have my insecurities about him, but I think he’s my closest relationship to which I’ve felt some serious honesty.

I wish things were easier in the house, but essentially things are getting better after all.

#07/09/20 #sunday #angry #cute #loving #sad #guilty #friends #anxiety #approach #emotional #emotional intelligence #diary #journal

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Photography by Four Seasons Garden

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Double rainbow on the Quantock Hills, UK

Photographed by Freddie Ardley

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Florence Kosky by Agata Pospieszynska for Harpers Bazaar UK September 2018

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from livinginmarsplanet

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— Charles Baudelaire, from Heauton Timoroumenos; Les Fleurs du Mal (tr. by Richard Howard), 1857

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Ghent - Belgium (by Allan Harris) 

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WIP cyberpunk art, seeking feedback

#book inspiration

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(via Carmel Bella Farm)

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we all know who rules the roost at our lil’ farm.

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Romanian traditional food. In a large pot, heat a few tablespoons of oil, then cook some diced onions and diced red pepper. Add one large chopped cabbage and a little water and mix periodically until the cabbage is softenwd and translucent. Add salt. If necessary, add more water along the way. Then add tomato juice or dice some fresh tomatoes, and add thyme or dill (whichever you prefer). Transfer everything to a tray and leave in the oven at moderate to high temperature for 1-2 hours.

#to cook

[umbrellasinnebula]

Art by Philip Byers

Instagram: @pjbyersfineart

Tumblr: @philipbyersart