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I also have a temtation to buy shit ton of weed and vape as much of it as my lungs can handle. But I’ve fought it well... so far.

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I’ve been playing wow all day. Looks like it’s the only thing that can keeps me calm and distracted. Had a great raid with dudes. I also figured out that psychiatry is just across the road. I will go there tomorrow. Pills are great, but I will run out of them soon enough.

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The next day

Okay, well... I’ve managed to fall asleep and I woke up today at 9 am - actually just as planned. I took my pills, brush my teeth and then... I read a message from my mom, she said that I should not follow news. And of course the best way to force a person to do something is to prohibit it for him. So I was scrolling down the news about war and sunctions. About oil and gas from Russia. And there were no particular awful news, just “regular stuff” comaring to other news during past two weeks. Never the less suddenly I felt cold, like I was having a fever. It was about 40 minutes after I woke up. So I desided to get warm. I lay down, cover myself with a blanket and...  I fell asleep again. For 4 hours. I hate myself. 

#mid 20s #depression #anxiety #millennials #mental health

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Late night thoughts

So it’s 1 am. I was trying to fall asleep 3 hours ago and I fail. That has been happening to me for a about 3 weeks now. Tomorrow I have a class. Actually I have a choice if I want to take it a 9 am or 2 pm. I was really hoping I would get up early and could make it into morning class.

I woke up today in an extremly bad mood. I didn’t want to leave my bed untill it was 12:30 and my back was hearting. I even canceled my job interview because I was feeling like shit.

A few nights ago I had a big anxiety episode as I was trying to fall asleep. I was think about where my ex gf is right now. While I’m awake, I don’t really think about her untill she’s back home (we still live together cuz our rent agreement). And even when I do, when I’m asking myself, how would I feel I if new that she’s with another men already. I feel pretty much nothing. But in my dreams I see her and she’s speaking to me in her blue dress with red swimming suite under it. And she’s beenig like: I’m out for the weekeng, gonna have a good time. And that shit hits so hard. I even imagining how someone’s dick enetring her vagina just to try to expirience what would I feel, if I’d found out... And I feel nothing... But in my dreams it’s completely opposite. 

Anyway another anxiety episode happened last night. I was counting the semester weeks left and all the job that still needs to be done. I think I’m loosing my mind. 

I’m taking the whole pill of AD now. They warned me, that those bad feelings might escalate at start. I guess this is what happening.

#mental health #depression #anxiety #its gonna be fine #im ok #millennials #mid 20s

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Overcoming depression. Ep. 3.

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Overcoming depression. Ep. 2.

#millennials #gen z #depression #mental health #anxiety

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Overcoming depression. Ep. 1.

#depression #anxiety #overcoming #millennials #gen z #mental health

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And then war begins

So it was 10th day after break up. I woke up at 6 a.m. from a phone call from my mother, she said that war started. I’m russian, but I live in Czech republic for eight and a half years. One of the main reasons why I moved here was political situation or I’d rather say regime in Russia. I spent part of my childhood in Ukraine, in Crimea. I have relatives and friends all over Ukraine. 

I did something to help ukrainians the way I could - I took part in collecting humanitarian aid in first days after the war began as well as joined some protests and demonstrations in my city. I’m saying this right now, because I’m not going to discuss this topic in this blog, but I wanted to point out that as a russian guy I’m agains the war, agains Putin’s regime. If you are interested in this, you can follow me on my Instagram -> https://www.instagram.com/i_shitov/?hl=en where I’m doing some posts and stories about it, with a goal of spreading information and reality of events that are taking place in Ukraine rightg now.

Obviously, this situation bring my anxiety to another level as those stress factors are building up on top of each other. 

#depression #anxiety #war #ukraine #russia #nowar #breakup

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Some details

So one of the reasons it took us so long to come to this conclusion - break up - is that we live together in a rent apartment. And in our rent agreement there is a condition of canceling it, which is that we have to inform our landlord 3 month (!) before we can move out (or at least we have to pay for those 3 months). 

I’m still a student and she has just graduated from her school, but works in a different field. Our money situation is not great. Non of us can afford to rent a whole apartment by himself, so we’re kinda locked with each other for another 3 months of living together. This really sucks! I can’t stress this enough. Even though our relationship right now is ok - we are respecting each other’s personal borders. We’re trying to speak openly about how should we manage our cohabitation. Still we sleep together in one bad and this is the worst part.

During the day, I’m feeling ok, I feel that I’ve done the right desicion in long term perspective. But fuck my life! I’m struggling so much with falling asleep and having a preson that you used to hug every night before falling asleep while not being able to do so now - it just drives me crazy. The worst thoughts a coming through my head escalating my anxiety. And obviously it doesn’t make it easier to fall asleep. This sucks big time. 

#breakup #depression #anxiety #millenials #gen z

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A little bit of background

So on Feb 14th I’ve broke up with my girldfriend that I’ve been together with for 8 years. It wasn’t a fight or anything... it was just coming for last 4-5 months I think. When I try to analize this I can’t find a simple answer to a question: “What went wrong?”. I must point out, that being in a relationship with a preson for 8 years makes you know him really well and makes both of you to know how to solve problems. Best I can tell is that we are heading in different directions in our lives. I know this is so obscure but... we just couldn’t reach understanding in some situations for a long time. Those situations were appering over and over again and each time we made close to zero progress on them. Things that I’ve been interested in were not interested for her, and some time even irritate her. While things that were interested for her was not really my cup of tea, although I did try to explore them for myself. 

So on Valentine’s day we had a dinner. We cooked some pasta, had some wine and went for a walk. And at the end of the evening I told her: “I think it’s time for us to part our ways.” Her reaction didn’t surprise me at all, as after a brief silence she said: “Look’s like you are more brave to start this conversation than I am.”

#breakup #depression

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Third day of overcoming

So now it’s a third day since I’ve started to use medical treatment. I use Xanax (soothing) and Escitalopram (AD). I still have problems with falling asleep and waking up, but during the day I’m actually pretty calm and focused.

I’ve allowed myself to take 4 days off (2 week days + 2 weekend days) and pretty much all I’ve been doing is some home stuff (laundary, dishes, cooking, cleaning up atc.) and just relax. Also for the first time in a pretty long time I wanted to go out and not be alone. That’s kinda wierd for me, because I’m really an introvert person. It’s not like I avoid social interactions usually, but I just rarely take the initiative of that.

Overall I can say that my mind is pretty clear now. One downside that I have noticed is that I can kinda tell, when Xanax stopped working. Mornings are the worst and I still have disturbing and anxious dreams and thoughts before Xanax kicks in. I hope once ADs will start working (doctor said it takes about 2 weeks) I won’t be feeling this anxiety at mornings.

If you are curious how my situation will develop - stay tuned. :) The idea that this depression log will find a reader who might be struggling as well or just being curious is warming my heart.

#depression #anxiety #millenials #gen z #mental health

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Introduction

I greet you, whoever might read this post. I'm starting this blog in a very difficult period of my life. The main purpose of this is to document my thoughts, emotions, feeling and some facts going through my head right now. In future I might change the subject of this blog to whatever might me interested to me at the time. I'm overcoming a depression right now. I have a lot to say, but I don't want to rush it. In my culture, in my family, mental health was a thing that noone ever spoke about. The mentality was: "Everyone is suffering, don't drag attention to yourself and overcome it". And now I'm finding myself in my mid 20s with an urge to educate myself on this topic and maybe find some people who are interested in it as well.

So, if you wan't to follow my journey - stay tuned. ;)

#mental health #depression #millenials #zoomers