#yeah ok.. I had a shower...

[jellyjamheadobb]

#But like fr #you know when you have your regular family #And then there’s the distant “wealthy” side of the family #and they’re literally all weirdos and assholes #one of my older cousins had a baby shower #and they’re from that side of the family (she’s ok though) so of course they invited them #And after being stared down by one of my second(?) aunts bc recently word got out that I have a girlfriend (wow holy shit I’m a butch!) #I was talking to one of my normal cousins about my car and how I plan on getting new seats for it #It has really old leather-y seats and I wanna get the cushy fabric kind #and she just pops into the conversation and says “why don’t you just get a new car? The one you have is so ugly <3” #like what #i have a vw beetle and I actually love it so fuck you (also I don’t have that kind of money to get a new car but shh) #my cousin and I exchanged that “uhhmmm😬” look with each other lol #awkward #But I just say “oh yeah I’ll think about it :)” #While I internally try to explode her with my mind #But anyway #rey rambles #meme #dumb shit #memes #funny #relatable memes #funny memes #lol #best memes #lmao #tumblr memes #twitter memes #dank memes

[todayisafridaynight]

if i start to wonder what would've happened if arakawa did take The Right Baby and ikumi got back masato then no im not dont look at me

#snap chats #dont even look at me bro im not even playing #because OBVIOUSLY arakawa would then raise ichi yeah. thats a whole can of worms to open #but then what happens to masato ? ikumi and jo were already running back to get him #ok. more accurately IKUMI was running back to get him while jo was tagging along #so sure they open the locker and get him out but then what ? #assuming that the damage to masato's organs had already taken place what would they do then ? #would ikumi Also have rushed masato to the hospital? but then what ? #arakawa could have at least explained some form of the truth to the doctors and be like This Is My Baby Help Him #but what would ikumi and jo do ? would they admit That was their baby? because THEN what #or would they just give up the baby at the hospital then and there #assuming they even get to the hospital on time to save masato #like girl do not LOOK AT ME I WONDER SO BADLY WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF IKUMI WAS EVEN A MINUTE QUICKER #like whats the likely series of events to ensue... i almost wanna think they Wouldnt take masato to the hospital #they didn't even trust an adult to take masato instead of putting him in a locker #bringing him to the hospital would just invite a bunch of questions #and it wouldnt surprise me if the doc they saw wouldnt figure the real story #i HAVE to stop thinking i will be here FOREVER if i dont #anyway... to pivot.. i did some christmas shopping today //screams// #and while i was out this mate was like 'oh i really like your hair :)' and i was just. thanks :) i didnt shower yet <:) #every time someone tells me my hair's nice it is always on a day where i havent washed it and its like... should i just not #im not gonna even FINISH that thought NASTY but still. it is very funny lol #ok bye

[thecherrygod]

Swap au Kim gets drunk and there's a sweet spot in which he's having the time of his life and manages to forget all that's fucked up in his existence just going with the flow and everyone besides him no matter who they are and how the treat him, but less drunk than that and he'll get sober too soon and everythings gonna hit him all at once making him feel twice as miserable, or he'll get even more drunk to the point it completely switches and the happiness and getting along with whoevers nearby morphs into over trusting and sad and as soon as someone is like "look man you're not fine you should go home" he takes it too personal and won't be against getting into fights

#my posts #disco elysium #swap au #for organization tbh #i had new thoughts so #theres more in the replies bc i thought more later and wanted to add to it but didnt want to make the post longer or rb it #ok now back to the original tags #id like to say that i had this thought while taking a shower and forgot until now #and now as i was writing this a rainbow came out beauty of the world during me writing something sad lmao #anyways im trying to think of my own swap au guys a little bit #i mean i saw the others i love them i may take inspo of them unconsciously #but yeah #at some point ill think more about how he got to this point idk if its eyes or the whole discrimination hes ever experienced #or his repression snapping. or a mix #ill think it out later maybe lmao #adding tags i think i could have written the post better lmao #its not necessary a trusting and sad if he gets too drunk like yeah sorta v trusting but more like in an oversharing way #and... depending #like. still not too sure. willing to change this #i juat rather write it here rather than on a document for some reason lmao

[myownprivatcidaho]

whats tough about like. Having Chemistry and spending time with someone at the start of the spring semester is that valentines day is coming up and its like a make or break point with what you may or may not Be and you have to question what direction things are headed in and its a pressure just Not present in the fall semester idk. idk

#we uhhhh. kinda hit a bump in the road ...... idk. #hes. been very gentle and kind and understanding about where im coming from and so we havent talked in a couple days but just .... #god ok fuck it. we were hanging out saturday night and at some point we were going somewhere where parking sucked so i just suggested we go #in his car rather than separate bc finding parking for ONE car is a Struggle. anyways so afterwards we went back to where i parked my car #and i hahahhaaaaa was NOT leaving. it was just past midnight and so we were just hanging in his car talking for abt an hour #in there at some point i told him about that last crush and how it dragged on and he was like jesus CHRIST sia thats a lot #i was reclined in my seat and shutting my eyes listening to the music and i caught him looking at me a couple times andddddd uh #yeah basically i ended up in his lap and then we were kissing and touching and grinding for like the next hour and a half #and he asked if i wanted to go back to my place and i was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh not now so we stayed in there and just made out & talked more #and then he TOLD me. basically hes in a similar situation i was in this time last year. like a girl he liked and was talking to actually #has a bf. hes sorta in limbo and she still talks to bim and is stringing him along and playing off his hopes theyll get together for. #entertainment ig. everyone at this school is fantastic btw. jesus fucking christ. #so yeah he told me bc he said he didnt wanna hurt me or end up fucking me over and that i deserved full honesty and didnt want to get my #hopes up. which i REALLY appreciate. we talked for 8 days he got carried away once and immediately owned up. i do appreciate that #so like. he said that we can just be friends with or without benefits and i said id think about it. then at like 3 am we went home and he #check in with me to make sure i was alright since he could tell i had a LOT on my mind. i said id call him the next day and so we talked #and basically i explained the reason for my apprehensions and why i said no to hooking up (csa) and he was really understanding #and then like. i just asked him more about what was going through his head the night before & he described it as a heat of the moment thing #(which i agree it was) and like. he was genuinely concerned about me tho. idk #i told him that after i got home i had to shower for an hour scrubbyat every place he touched me and that im tired of feeling used #and he really heard me out and listened. he also asked if he hurt me and i said no but it def could have gotten to that point and i #and so he said 'im sorry for making your life at all hafrder to deal with' and i REALLY really #appreciate him being as honest as he was. so i said its cool we can be friends but i just need some space rn & he once again was really #understanding & said 'for as long as you need. just let me know whenever youre ready to just be friends again & if you need me to stay sway #from [xyz places we hung out] just let me know and if you need anything for class just feel free to reach out' #and. GOD i appreciate him. so that convo closed out on good terms. i was worried id need WEEKS but it rlly was just a few hours after that #i was ok again. traumas all about narratives and before that convo all i could see was another instance i was usee but like. #after actually talking it out all the fear around it dissipated and i can just see it for what it was: 2 friends who got carried away #but i really REALLY appreciate how hes handled this and we're both single & attracted to each other and so the question im thinking now is: #crushposting

[whomturgled]

:^(

#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^ #thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too #n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but #also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH #n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl #just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh #to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha #anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE #but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like #an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse #its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow #i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee #but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others #like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺 #im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh #instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some #of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess #idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad #for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow #and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea #YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future #whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now. #god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u #feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr #It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!

[isa-ah]

been having some creepy stuff happen lately and who knows if it's paranormal or PTSD related ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

#while i was showering a few weeks back i glanced up and saw someones head peeking over the curtain like 7ft up #no face just hair. long and tawny #that night when we laid down to sleep we said our goodnights and a moment later i heard from the head of the bed #'i love you.' #but it sounded way yoo feminine and young yo be my husband so i asked what he just said and he was like ??? literally nothing #he didnt hear it at all even though it was perfectly audible to me #a few nights ago i woke up paralyzed by the absolute self assured KNOWLEDGE that a girl was standing in our bathroom doorway #except her feet were on the ceiling instead of the floor #i was 100% too scared to look bc out of a dead sleep i was so so so sure #i pushed my face into my husbands back and staid there bc i was ckncinced if i rolled back her hair would tickle my face #which yeah ok ive gotten paranoid delusions and hallucinations before bc my ptsd is. severe lol #but not like this really #this morning my dream was interrupted much how it is when an alarm starts going off and you hear it in your dream #its dismebodied and you can consciously recognize it was real life without necessarily realizing youre dreaming #i had that except whispering? moving around our bedroom coming towards me #and the more i focused on it the more i could hear the cricket ambience i was playing irl while we slept #and i had the thought thats weird. whos walking around my room whispering? #til it happened pressed right up against my ear and i JUMPED out of my skin instantly wide awake in bed #i have no clue if its real!!!! but man. what the fuck lol

[oatbugs]

listening to music on blast removing my own sutures x

#vibez tbh #anyway . i have my medical tape off rn bc i just took a shower #will remove this thing then put it back on . but anyway slightly sinking in. had a what have i done what have i #become kind of moment . like i am no longer in pain so i can think now . i cant feel my nose or my thighs or my jaw properly #looked at my face and i was like oh . ok. got held up at iran passport security started saying my prayers #and they were like we dont think you are the person in your passport. and i had to show them evidence etc like #yeah i literally am unrecognisable as a person actually. same w the UK e-gates #i have someone else hair laser glued onto mine. i have a part of my body #grafted onto another part of my body. i had my nose broken and restructured. #i had half of my corneal tissue removed to see better. on their own these are all minor #but altogether at the same time i look. different. #it's so fascinating. interesting . etc. like genuinely what the fuck #to wake up and just look like a completely different person . knowing you have been rearranged and subtracted from and added to. #i feel like an art project. i feel like art. i feel like a monster. i feel fascinated. #i feel fascinating. #still have 8 lives left its alright . #when i had femto lasik done (which is supposed to be pretty much painless) i experienced the worst pain of my life #this is because i forgot to tell them about the grafting under my eyes and because there were two initially imperceptible wounds/scars #in both of my eyes. i felt the heat and pressure inside my eyes and i felt them cutting into #infinitely small points of pain. my head felt warm and my eyes were melting. my doctor apologised for not seeing them before #and he told me to focus on the green light in the middle of the red and i did . and they spread into a thousand stars #and i kept repeating to myself JUST GREEN NOTHING ELSE JUST THE GREEN NOTHING ELSE until it was over #i spent the next day in agony despite the pressure lenses and the apologies #but that constellation of green and red overlayed on nothingness #and patterns generated by blood vessels and lasers #was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen to this day. #maybe the most beautiful thing . i dont know.

[scp-113]

.

#started learning to skateboard this week. im doin ok with it! #only mildly dying cause im working different core muscles and ive fallen flat on my ass a few times #thank god i had a helmet on otherwise i might be dead fr rn lol i hit the ground HARD last night. anyway #tmi probably but: an unexpected side effect of skating is ive been showering more! depression cured! jk but yeah im proud of myself #showering is so hard for no reason. but ive showered three times this week!!!!! HELL YEAH #we'll see how long this lasts. i really do want to stick with the skateboarding. im having so much fun with it #also my board is so pretty now. i had to get grip tape for it cause it was naked when i got it. #delete later #maybe? #talkingdemon

[bibberbang]

i dont think you should be able to take coffee and alcohol together like it shouldnt be possible. that sounds like a combination of drugs that should kill you

#or like they fight inside you and cancel out like probiotics and antibiotics #i know thats not actually what happens but u know. #well on a more personal level i have realized i hate drinking at family events. no wonder! that seems like it should be obvious #given my backstory... like the FEW times ive had a drink at my parents house i was pretty uncomfortable the whole time. #i guess i dont understand why youd want to take a substance that lets your guard down in an environment where u need to be wary #but then i remembered most people arent wary at family parties. my dads family is just insanely toxic #and if im chilling at home with my butch it is nice to have one (1) drug on a special occasion #ok context #i went to my cousins wedding shower today and won a bottle of cranberry wine. its pretty gross but i watered it down and had a tiny bit #and i just feel reallyyyyy chill and comfy right now. so yeah ive figured it out! #the end goal of trauma is not always to engage with the things that once triggered you. but in my case it worked very well for me #because now i know i dont have to be scared of glorified dish soap. and in fact it can be fun on a rare occasion

[nomaishuttle]

exciting day so far

#264 (the couple who pays extra to have their bed made every day (which is crazy)) knocked over a CLOCK in their room #the wife did it on accident luckily she was ok.but i had 2 hunt down maintenance to fix da clock and i thought i found a guy but apparently #he wasnt actually a maintenance guy So i might kms. but he said hed find a maintenance guy for me so.. #bc my boss was like ok ryan (head of maintenance (wnd housekeeping but hes a maintenance guy. my boss is the real head of housekeeping lol) #might be in the maintenance shop. and i was like okie went in and he wasnt 💀💀💀 so i just saw a guybwearing black which i thinkk is #maintenance color and i was like halp me ! and he was like erm yeah ill find a maintenance guy for you ^-^ #it was so awk tho. my job on weekdays (except tuesdays bc thats the day they get cleaned) is 2 make the bed and its usually umm #shes usually in da shower with her caretaker. not like eith but. ykwim. and the husband is usually asleep on da couch #but i got there like 10 minutes early so they were both up and also yhe husband was like Are you a guy can you help and i was like erm no #and i misunderstood i thought he was having like #a medical or #something else issue. yk. but then i overheard him talking to the wifes caretaker and realized he said CLOCK. and i was like ohhh ok.. #but i finished the bed and said okie ill find a maintenance guy t come help asap :] #and he was like thanks 👍 hes very sweet idk if we had spoken b4. well probably but idr much of it #i think ive mainly spoken to da wife b4. shes very sweet shes had a stroke so its a bit difficult to understand her sometimes but shes very #nice.. i ws sooo worried thenfirst day bc allegedly we got there early (aka the time they usually went to do the bed) so now k do it at 9 #which is mildly inconvenient but not too bad. ideally id be making the bed b4 i starty rooms 4 the day bc i have like an hour anf a half to #do my morning work. so i could just slot ir in real easy.. but its all good jo worries. but ya so she was kind of irritated the first day #and also it was my first time speaking to someone who had had a stroke. so i didnt realize thats just like. how she ralks and thought she #was just super duper mad. and i was like eep! but its ok.

[goldensunset]

today was such a massive screwup i got thrown off so badly i can’t mentally process that it is a Tuesday and i have Work I Need To Do for the week

#couldn’t sleep well last night (not sure why but i also think i had a nightmare of sorts? yeah i got one sleep cycle at least but not two) #dressed in full ugly depression mode cuz i couldn’t gather my sanity #prof was late to class that was weird #had to listen to some really really bad opinions in my early morning class i got so much mental damage from it i wanted to gag #that alone kinda ruined the whole day #at some point i was like ok i have to go actually eat something maybe i’m just hangry maybe real good will help #it only helped like 20% i’m still bitter today #took a very long nap bc i was so so tired and so so sick my eyes were watering and aching i couldn’t do it anymore #bc i’m sick all this dry cold air in here is hard to breathe i went full coughing fit and had to take a shower early #just to get some warmth and humidity #now it’s past 11pm and i’m trying to start homework but i just. can’t #i just can’t get it to happen man. idk what day of the week it is #but you wouldn’t guess any of this based on the funny things i’ve been posting on here today #peach rambles #ah whatever #tomorrow is a new day (to suffer)

[munamania]

i am going to snap on my roommates at some point this is. inevitable i think

#i brought the tv and had to buy the tv stand off my roommate. even though yk. we’re all using the living room #wasn’t expecting that made me laugh a bit. also got a water filter also finally provided a shower curtain for the br #also provided a water filter and our shower curtain. took my roommate weeks to pull out rugs. #and the air fryer and our ottoman which is our only piece of furniture #but my roommate wants their lamp back from the living room and to share the cost of the couch (this one’s fair! i agree!) #and it just seems like neither of them is willing to just. invest in shit #it’s completely not fair that i’m buying stuff myself or being asked to split costs #ESPECIALLY when both of these bitches are grocery shopping at fucking trader joe’s and target #yeah not to be judgy based on where you shop but i’m going to fuckimg aldi. my roommate refused to go in with me #which was like fine i appreciated the ride anyway but also that’s sort of weird isn’t it? i don’t think they were doing it in a Ok poor #person way but like. ?????????! #and my other roommate is just never around and makes it impossible to plan to get the couch. hopefully finally this weekend. #shocked my one roommate didn’t insist on going for a brand new option to split between us #i’m not even going to respond rn i fear i might explode. idk why i’m so angry but i am. #abby talks #lists reasons as to why i’m irritated. idek why i’m mad tbh guys

[n0ct0urn1quet]

god it feels like everyone i know has been sick in some way within like the past week or so. i got sick n threw up Twice on friday, my mom was queasy n nauseous n kinda ill after that, my mom's boyfriend's daughter had a fever, my girlfriend has a fever and is still fairly ill as far as im aware (i havent heard from her At All today and she was very very very very low energy yesterday and kinda jus spent the whole day in bed so i have no doubt that thats what she prolly did today as well . prolly hasnt said anything to me all day bc idk maybe her phone died n she doesnt have the energy to get up n charge it or something KJASJLKLJKG). everyone's been SICK and it SUCKS!!!!!!

#i have no doubt my mom's bf is gonna fuckin come down with covid or some shit #or like my sister's gonna be sick or somthgin. good god #i mean ok i wasnt really SICK sick i just had a weird throwing up thing that happened . it was just still so weird i dont even know what #caused it. because like #the night before i was feeling kinda queasy kinda ill kinda sickly but i jus thought it was cramps or jus tummy ache #i wake up the next morning n my stomach Hurts n it just feels Weird n im jus kinda laying there at 7am wondring if im gona puke n then im #like. well ill just get up go shower n come n lay back down. so i get up n i get into the shower n after a bit im like ok i feel . slightly #better so im gonna get out. and. i get out and i start getting dressed and i jus kinda stopped and im like. okay no im gonna throw up #so i get out n go into the livingroom to tell mom and i just. yeah. right onto the floor. eugh #i dont know what caused it. mom didnt know what cuased it. it just kinda came up n out i guess #it wasnt a lot n it was all liquid with like a chunk or two of whatever i ate the night before so like #i dont know what caused it. at all. bc we all had the same dinner last night n drank the same stuff #so i dont know why i threw up when no one else Did . very very strange #right before fuckin tahnksgiving too thanksgiving is the day after tomorow and im STILL struggling to eat a lot after it #my stomach had shriveled its about the size of a shriveled up golf ball rn and i havent thrown up but i can barely eat simply because like #ill make soup. ill eat like 4 spoonfulls of it and then im just Full bc thats all my stomach can FIT #and its almost thanksgiving!!!!! The Food Day!!!!!!!! and im juts like <:((((( #i want turkeyyyyy and mash potato :((((( green been and fruit slad :(((((( and pie :(((((( #and so now im all worried about if i eat too much if im gonna throw up again AKJJKSKLLJKKBG #I HOPE I DONT. ID BE SO SAD IF I DO ANd also it would suck becaus no one likes throwing up. BUT ANYWAYS #sorry ig november is just The Sick Month. everyone's got something going on rn. we are all Going Through It as some would say

[vos-porwave]

i wish my uncle, real life giovanni (from pokemon) would give me a mansion :/

#whole grain speaks #i had a dream where giovanni from pokemon was my uncle (on my dads side) and he was like hey kid you hate the cops #and i was like uh yeah fuck 12 #and he was like cool. look after my cool mansion for me (giovanni from pokemon) #and i was like. ok. sure. and when we got there he was like surprise its actually your mansion now #and it was great! a wonderful view and low utility cost and 5 bedrooms with ensuites #it had a stand in shower with the kinda head thats like in the ceiling so that was super neat #and also it was full of secret passageways and escape hatches #so you would be doing just about anything and you'd suddenly find yourself in a bunker like. great #and it started being an inside joke of 'sorry i cant do thing itll send me to the bunker' #and then it happened while we were fuckin and i was like COME ON #and giovanni (from pokemon) called like hey hows the mansion #and i was like great! except for the fact that its COCKBLOCKING ME #he (giovanni from pokemon) was just like. lol. lmao. and then at some point we got launched into a team rocket meeting where they were like #'um' #and we were just like. get out our house pls #wild dream #fun! #had giovanni (from pokemon) in it

[toastsnaffler]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of #last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year #but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!! #and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going #i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year #i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre- #not rly my thing. sigh #im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is #so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that #i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up #and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm #man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it #and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps #like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real #and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn #ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it #and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments.. #its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually #but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm #ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by #ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit #ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway #okay yes shower time now :-) #.diaries #maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then

[shatterthefragments]

Ok but for real us being soft over the Vessels’ tummies has helped me so much today

Like my pants were falling off my hips all day again. The same pair of capris that I was wearing last week and made the note: “Pulling a Vessel with the way my (loose ass) pants (with stuff in pockets) are coming down my hips”. And uh. Same today again. And so I didn’t tie them tight enough (partially bc I like not having to untie them to take them off). And so they were under my belly button and sliding down all day. Which is fine. But especially when I was doing stuff they slid further down and underneath my belly. Held up only by a hip. And if my shirt lifted up then like. It was all exposed. Soft round belly. Love handles. That crease by your hip (and above it too) (far rounder than all the vessels combined but that’s ok I’m fat and it’s okay.)

And I’m. Okay with it. (Today). I’m soft and squishy and round and it’s okay. And you know what? It’s even cute. Cute and soft and squishy and OKAY!

#body image #tummies #I think I was sappier about it before I had to try to remember and retype it but anyway. I’m actually just. feeling okay about my body rn. #which I’m really happy about?!? #like even through the pain it does so much?! #I was able to walk around and see what shops were around in an unfamiliar shopping centre #I was able to drive with minimal pain (though I do have the seat warmer on for my back) #I got to enjoy some lake time though I didn’t venture through the mud so I didn’t have to clean my work shoes which are bad enough rn #I was able to bring up my bags and groceries in one trip #I was able to scale the salmon. zest and cut and juice a bag of lemons. cut up a bunch of veggies for soup and make all of that #I got a shower (hot for comfort of course) and did a small load of laundry that I’ll have to toss into the dryer later #and I haven’t fallen down. I haven’t given up. and I’m. doing alright?!? #honestly shocked. I’ll crash tonight but that’s okay. #and I can squat down to do things that are easier closer to the ground #(ok sometimes the knee kinda clicks? out and feels like I have to rip it back into place but we’re ignoring that bc it’s been a little whil #(though usually that just means I’m due for it to happen again and not be able to bend it for a while again… ah well #hopefully I’ve strengthened it enough again that I’ll be fairly ok at least for a while… #rambling rambling eh whatever #like yeah I’m fat and there are a few reasons it would be nice to be smaller but it’s not worth the Bad Things I fall into to get smaller #and right now I’m just? so okay with it??? and I just need to keep this moment in posterity bc I can’t remember the last time I was this ok #and even POSITIVE about my body? #(I mean yeah my boudoir shoot was pretty awesome but that was years ago now and also she edited stuff as well) #(and tbh i want to do another boudoir shoot at some point. but im doing at least a few tattoos first i think. make my body Home more so 1st #just kinda. relishing in this peace and …happiness? #this is good 😌 #it feels nice to feel nice about myself and my body :) #shatters’ fragments