#writing is kind of cathartic to me especially if I can make other people's days better with it as well

[cerise-on-top]

hello!!

it’s me again!! How you doin?! I just wanna say how you are AMAZING!! I love your work so much and the way you can be THAT creative and come out with requests in just a few days is crazy to me. You are awesome and your work makes me smile after a long day at my job. Sorry for I sending in a lot of AleRudy requests lately btw

YOU ARE AWESOME!!

Hey there! Thank you, that's incredibly sweet of you, I'm glad that I can make you smile after a long day! I actually write all of these after work as well, so I'm usually extremely exhausted! So, sorry for any mistakes you may find ^^ I'm just glad I get to write again and make other people smile, that's really all I want! And don't worry about the AleRudy requests, I do love my boys as much as the next person! So please, if you do have any more requests, feel free to send them in :-)

#cherry chats #writing is kind of cathartic to me especially if I can make other people's days better with it as well #I may not be able to post as much for the next few weeks though #Maybe in two weeks again but that's a big maybe! #I have two weeks off after the next two weeks because I'm taking my driver's license! I'm moving up in the world! #but back on the topic of writing: I do love writing even if it takes up all my energy like today #so I'm really sorry if my stuff is shorter than usual I'm just extremely tired today since I haven't slept well in two days #but I'm still trying my best so!

[vechter]

ao3 for dick grayson fics is such a trying experience, truly bc what do you mean there's not one, not two but an overwhelming abundance of fics where dick is a bad sibling and jason todd is the ideal, supportive, drops-everything-for-your-crisis sibling?

like i can understand the appeal of exploring the lesser of dick's choices and character traits and how those impact his relationships with the rest of the bats but you mean to tell me that any of them- damian, tim, cass- tim, especially- would willingly go to jason for help when they have the option of asking dick?

as much as red robin is a deeply rich, complex story about grief and morality, i'm afraid it did irreparable damage to dick's character, not to mention tim's (that boy does not have an egregiously high body count, comics would never gloss over that kind of mass death or be implicit about it in any way if that had actually happened)

dick's primary character thesis is being a safety net for people who fall- the way bruce and batman were for him after his parents died. it's one of his chief driving forces. there is no world where he doesn't help out a stranger, let alone his siblings if they come to him for help. and despite all of the bats being notoriously bad at asking for help and support, the number of instances where dick is an empathetic listener, doling out advice and emotional support and compassion (even when people are tight-lipped about needing any of those things) far outweighs the times he has been short-sighted or intentionally harsh. no character is perfect but to see how often jason is written favourably whilst simultaneously dragging dick is maddening fr

like, fine you like jason a lot. it can be fun and cathartic to write about him choosing to develop relationships outside of his grief/trauma/revenge with bruce (although i think that the most compelling thing about jason is how much of his character post-resurrection is driven by existing as a dead boy walking so to see him actually care about living and making healthy choices would probably require something beyond therapy with harley quinn lmao) but is it really necessary to do that while putting dick down? both tim and damian have seen dick while he is decidedly not at his best (reeling from the circus burning down in nw '96, grieving bruce, finding his footing as batman) and have come out the other side firm in their belief in him. cass, unfortunately is more removed from dick's immediate circle but that's a whole other tangent about how peripheral dick is to both of the batgirls that come after babs. steph, by virtue of having a parent who is alive, is lucky enough to be removed from more of the complicated dynamics all of them have with each other. and while dick is an ass in her initial batgirl days, he does warm up to her (but that again is a whole other post considering the legitimacy and nuances of characterizations in batgirl- tim never gets the same flak for his treatment of steph despite being much, much closer to her and actually knowing her beyond the second robin to die- and even then, when dick finds out about steph's death, the gist of initial reaction is to blame bruce, perhaps, rightfully so)

like you're falling for his act!!! as readers of a form of media like comics, we are lucky enough to get a glimpse into dick's inner neuroses and thought-processes while simultaneously seeing how he acts on them. ofc we see him make mistakes but a lot of the other characters don't!! and if/when they do, they don't see beyond the performance he delivers. even barring the fucked-up-ness of a high stakes job like vigilantism where trauma and death and adrenaline are linked together messily, no relationship between two people is perfect. people hurt each other, people lash out!! but the most compelling thing about dick is how often he reaches out, how often he swings back even after he has swung away!! that's what makes him such a source of light, hope and positivity for everybody he encounters

and this is not even touching n52 which seems like the most hasty kind of decision making and writing from editorial with no consideration for a lot of the characters' histories, lore and their core characterizations

#rant post #sorry im so annoyed I was just looking for a good tim and dick fic #and good fucking lord the no. of jason todd is a good sibling and dick grayson is a bad sibling tagged fics #dick grayson

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week’s writer spotlight feature is:  Penny00Dreadful! @penny00dreadful has 29 fics in the Stranger Things fandom with 25 of them being in the Steddie Tag!

@hbyrde36 recommends the following works by @penny00dreadful:

Crossroads

Cat and Mouse

I'll Tell You My Sins and You Can Sharpen Your Knife

And They Were Roommates!

The Parting Glass

Sam, on top of being an absolutely amazing writer (AND artist!), is one of the brightest lights in this fandom (in my humble opinion). She is incredibly kind and encouraging, always ready to uplift other authors in the Steddie and ST fanfic worlds. I have had the incredible pleasure of being her beta reader for quite some time now, and am consistently blown away by her talent. There isn't a single one of her works that I wouldn't recommend, they are all fantastic reads. -- @hbyrde36

Below the cut, @penny00dreadful answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

Opposites attract has always been a major draw for me, especially in my fandoms. Every pairing I’ve ever gotten into in every fandom I’ve been in have all been opposites attract and I’m not going to lie to you, I did not make that realization until this question. 😅 I had a very “Huh… that tracks” moment about it. 🤣 So the opposites attract factor is definitely big for me and while I suppose you could say that’s true for many, many pairings in fandom, there’s something about the complete opposite of both Steve and Eddie that is just enrapturing. From their aesthetic, to their personalities, to their upbringing, it creates such incredibly interesting parallels and options for building stories around them. On top of that, the two of them are so compelling as characters. Their various hang ups and traumas, their loves and hates, the time period and the genre of work they originated in all coalesce into something so captivating. I adore the two of them so much, they’re so fascinating. I think everyone can find a little bit of themselves in either one of them, but especially with the addition of Eddie into the series we got a character who was ‘other’, in the same way so many of us feel and are seen, he speaks to us on such a personal level. So, yeah. I love them.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

Oh boy. There are so many. Enemies to lovers, hurt/comfort, fluff. But if I had to pick one that has been my longest standing love, it would have to be a slow burn. Like, when it hits, it hits. And it hits hard.

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

I looooove writing some tasty hurt/comfort. There’s just something so addictive about someone needing to be taken care of after something bad or traumatic happens or they’ve just had a really shitty day. It’s so cathartic. And also, I cannot like, I love getting comments screaming at me that I’ve made people hurt or cry or feel things because I know I’m going to make it better, I’m gonna give them that comfort. And it’s such an incredible compliment from people when they tell me that my writing has made them feel feelings. Like it is the highest praise possible that I could induce that in someone. It feels amazing.

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

Oh my god, that is such a difficult question to answer. I have read so many that have left a permanent mark on my heart or completely rewired my brain. I had to go look through my bookmarks to narrow it down because my god, there are so many talented people in this fandom and even then I was attempted to just give a list of all my top ones because, god they make me feel so many things, people are so fucking talented, I love them. But I would say if I had to choose one, there’s one that lives rent free in my brain. I think of it all the time, it is so god damn special to me and if I’m being honest with myself, it’s the first one that came to mind, It would have to be wouldn’t it be nice (if we could wake up) by kissesforcas  kissesforcas I have talked about this fic on my blog before but it just hits me in the right way every time I read it, it’s absolutely magical. I can’t recommend it enough, please go read it. It changed me completely.  There’s so many beautiful moments in it, the two boys are so protective of each other in it, but they also adore their found family and will defend them at any cost, the two of them feel real, their communication feels genuine and honest and realistic while also being true to their characters, I just adore it.

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

YES. FANTASY. It is wild to me that I have not done a fully fledged fantasy AU at all yet. Like I adore fantasy, what gives? Why have I not done it yet? Omg ALSO, historical. Like a lot of my special interests are historical based, WHY have I not done that yet?? AND, AND horror maybe? Like a psychological or zombie or paranormal/supernatural or slasher. So many things I haven’t explored that I want to do, and I can’t wait!

What is your writing process like?

Okay, so first things first, I get an idea.  Kind of obvious, I know, but yeah, the idea stage. Usually it’ll be something that hit out of nowhere, I’ll write down one line in the ideas doc and then pretend I won’t be thinking of it for the rest of the day. Then when I admit to myself I want to expand on it, I’ll take all of the brain worms attached to that idea and put them in their own doc. It’ll all be VERY disjointed at this stage, just a stream of consciousness of different situations/conversations/plot bunnies that popped into my head. Once I feel like I have enough of a concept through that, I begin to put them in order, maybe add a few more. Then I outline. I’m an outline kinda gal.  Over a page or two I’ll give a bare bones outline of what the fic will be, almost like it’s a short story? But still very rough.  Then I’ll start writing, usually in chronological order, I find that makes it easier to plant seeds and foreshadow and create consistency with the voice of the fic. Sometimes I will jump ahead if I’m really excited about a particular part of the fic, I’ll get it out before I lose steam on it. HOWEVER, I find that I almost ALWAYS diverge from the outline. If, as I’m writing, things start going in a different direction, I go with the flow, I don’t fight it. Fighting it, I feel is detrimental to my writing, trying to force myself into a box and hey, going with the flow has been working out pretty well for me so far. 🤣

Do you have any writing quirks?

Quirks? I dunno about that. I think I’m a pretty standard writer, but I do end up writing across three devices a lot of the time depending on where’s more comfortable. PC, tablet and phone. I’ll always stick to writing whatever my brain is focusing on at that time, but if I know I need to get a fic out and I’m not really feeling the inspo anymore, I’ll give myself an extra boost by watching movies with similar themes, listening to music related to it, or even just searching the trope on Pinterest can help me generate excitement about it again.Also do yourself a favor and get yourself a Bluetooth keyboard. It’s a game changer for writing on your phone.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

I’ve done both and I much prefer posting on a set schedule. I always try to get the fic at least 50% finished before I start posting to give myself a nice cushion. Yeah, the immediate endorphin hit of posting once I’m done is great, but I much prefer the option to have a fic mostly or completely done before I post, so I can go back in and tweak things to make a theme hit harder or stick in a tad more foreshadowing or even just to edit.

Which fic are you most proud of?

I love all of my works, honestly. I write for me. I write the things I want to read. I think it would be difficult to narrow down a fic that I am the most proud of. Like I’m actually having a really difficult time picking one and saying “This one. This is the one I am most proud of.” Because I am proud of all of them and it’s for each of their own reasons. Like, some are very, very personal to me, some are stories that made me feel completely unhinged and obsessed(affectionately) and some are stories that touched people in very real ways, or made them feel safe and seen and that is so incredibly special to me. It’s a bit of a cop out to say that I can’t pick one, I can’t choose between my children, but I really can’t, they’re all so special, at least to me, in their own ways.

How did you get the idea for Crossroads?

So I have never seen the movie The Old Guard, but I have heard of it and while I know that reincarnation is not an aspect of that movie, I was struck with the idea of someone going through life over, and over, and over again, just to be close to the one they love the most. Like that kind of time bending devotion. And I had a brain worm of various historical ways of dying and I couldn’t figure out a way to write all of them into one fic before the idea of reincarnation hit. The very first image I had in my head of Eddie dying was being burned at the stake, so I had to work my way up to that time period and beyond. I knew I didn’t want it to be something that had only happened a few times over a couple of hundred years.  I knew I wanted it to be an ancient, centuries spanning kind of devoted love which is what led me to Ancient Greece, and in leading me there, I had to figure out why this was happening. Why Steve was traversing time just to be next to his boy again. Hecate appeared out of the mist and invaded my brain and it all kind of spilled out onto the page after that. 

When writing Cat and Mouse, what was something you didn’t expect?

I gotta be honest, the whole fic was unexpected. 😅 It was one of those stories when I originally thought of it, it was only gonna be a short little thing, maybe one or two chapters. By the end of it we were at 16 chapters and over 70K. Apparently I have no idea how to write anything short. But I think what also took me by surprise was how feral the two of them were for each other even though they didn't actually get together until later. I knew I wanted to have them being snappy and flirtatious for the whole thing and it evolved into the two of them being so dedicated to each other after only meeting a few times. I also didn’t expect the wild reaction I got to the fic, people loved it and were chomping for more and I was floored by it, it made me so incandescently happy!

What inspired Cat and Mouse?

So, the short answer is I saw this post from steddielations and it burrowed so deep into my brain, I had to get it out! Long answer is it was a mix of that post, and then a bit of Mr & Mrs. Smith mixed in along with John Wick. I just loved the idea of two deadly people being so soft for each other they’d be willing to burn the world for each other, do anything at any cost to keep the other safe.

What was your favorite part to write from And They Were Roommates!?

Oh my god, the banter. The banter was loaded with bitching and queerspeak and jabs, it was so much fun. I hadn’t really seen a story where the steddie boys had been bitchy queers before, like leaning into it and I just had to, I had to. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up and I could have gone on for ages just the two of them biting back and forth.

How do/did you feel writing I'll Tell You My Sins and You Can Sharpen Your Knife?

Conflicted, honestly. I was worried the POV I was writing from would be a little too out there, you know? There were a few times throughout writing where I thought I’d have to go back and change it out to be more of a standard fic but at the end of the day it felt so right to have the story told the way it was and it also felt very in line with Take Me To Church as well. It’s also the most poetic piece of writing I have done to date and while it’s not something I can see myself revisiting too often, it was a fantastic exercise in moving out of my comfort zone. It got me, right in the heart.

What was the most difficult part of writing The Parting Glass?

Oh boy. The whole fic was an exercise in catharsis. It was a way of processing my own grief after losing a family member and getting it all out into words was very, very helpful. I think the hardest part was just putting down into words how Eddie was feeling right in the aftermath, you know? Like grief is such a personal thing, everyone experiences it differently, so I wanted to try to figure out how Eddie would respond to it, especially considering it was the death of someone so important to him. So to have him looking around the trailer and it being empty but still with bits of Wayne dotted around like he was about to walk back through the door was probably the realest and most difficult part for me.

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

Oh god there’s so many! I could pick so many! But the first thing that came to mind is the small interaction between Eddie and Robin in Return of The King, when Steve is demonstrating his newly acquired vampire strength for the kids and Eddie has to hold onto Robin to keep himself from melting into a puddle: “Down boy.” She muttered. “Me next.” He practically whimpered right back. “Oh god, Robbie, I wanna be that stump. Tell him to do me next.” “You’re pathetic.” “What about it?” [...] Robin leaned in close to his ear but continued to stare at Steve. “If you two don’t calm the fuck down I’m going to get the hose.” Wet Steve. “Please get the hose.” I love Robin and Eddie together whenever I can get them snarking at each other, it’s just so entertaining. 

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

Oh yeah! A good few things. I’m coming back from my writing break and I’m going to be working on the final two fics for my anniversary event, Through The Valley and Devotion.  I also have a Summer Exchange Fic in the works along with starting on my Steddie Big Bang piece that I am also signed up for as an artist, I’m so excited to start them!

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

I think I would just like to add that this blog, this concept is such a wonderful idea, you’re doing great work here to bring people and fics to new eyes and it has been an honor and a privilege to be put forward the way I have, I’m so so so thankful. 🖤

Thank you to our author, @penny00dreadful, and our nominator, @hbyrde36! See more of Penny00Dreadful's works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

#steddie #steddie fic recs #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve x eddie #stranger things #writer's wednesday #writer's spotlight

[imagine-silk]

Hi!! I love your writing and hope everything is going well in life. I recently binged through your master list and they were amazing! Happy Holidays!

How would FO4 companions react to a Sole who's always patient and kind with others finally exploding when a settler acts a little too ungrateful? Maybe after a grueling mission Sole went on and returning back exhausted/injured, making them a bit more irritable than usual.

Ah, yes. There are Marcy Longs everywhere. This took awhile but I enjoyed writing this, it was fun. Merry Chris everyone!

CAIT is not going to save you. Truthfully, she’s been wanting to deck the settler in the face for a while but you always interfered. To be honest yelling at them is not doing it for her but it is cathartic. The settler is, reasonably, caught off guard and looks around for help, no one helps them.

“Oh, I ain’t helping ya. Ya get what you throw, right?”

PRESTON tries to facilitate but this was long overdue. His allowance of the settlers to generally have a say on how things are run had both positive and negative effects on the people in charge, especially you and him as General and their second-in-command. The spat would only end when you finished what you were saying or if you allowed him to pull you away.

“Marcy, that was a bit harsh. [Sole] stop, you made your point.”

HANCOCK knows being in command is a delicate balance of loving your people and making a point. Finn was a good defender but repeatedly overstepped others so taking him out not only made a point but protected his people and those who could be his people.

“Don’t complain. They didn’t shoot ya.”

NICK normally would chastise you for chewing out someone but they had been getting on his nerves. He has always seen how willing you are to bend over backwards for everyone, so even if the settler was nice to him, he won’t stand for his partner being berated by petty grievances. But as much as he wants to scold them, he wants to get you back to the house after the day you've had.

“Hey, pal/doll, let’s go. We’ll deal with this later.”

MACCREADY just chuckles on the side. When the settler first started giving you a piece of their mind MacCready offered to shut them up as your bodyguard. You of course declined the offer but now that was fully on the table. As much as he would still do it he knows you wouldn’t want that so he keeps his hands to himself. Just letting you chew them out was enough for him.

“Nah, the boss's got it.”

DANSE before BB he would correct the civilian for questioning command or reprimand you for letting your people step on your toes. Things have changed. Typically he tries to stay out of things now but he steps forward when his friend gets home to immediately be yelled at. But your snapping gave him pause. His instincts kicked in and he removed you from the situation. You tried to fight back but a demanding injury you’d been ignoring stopped you. When you were both inside and sat down he took care of your wound, making sure you knew he was just concerned for you not blaming you.

“I can imagine how tired you are. No need to apologize to me. Or them for that matter.”

PIPER she doesn’t like misdirected slander, however today was not misdirected. Her dislike for the picky settler is very known and so this was a long time in waiting. Honestly, the sheer Schadenfreude of the whole situation is enough to have her lean on a wall and chew gum watching this. Like her favorite TV show was on. She would only say something if Nat was there.

“Hey, I don’t wanna hear you repeating any of that, okay? Okay.”

CURIE doesn’t 100% understand the malicious intent behind the settlers word so she’s surprised when you answer with aggression. She tries to calm you down while attempting to give the settler a solution to their problem. It doesn’t work. The only reason this outburst stops is because Curie starts crying. It’s a lot of stimulation and confusion for her so it’s the only thing she can do.

“Monsieur/Madame, can we just go home? I don’t like this.”

X6-88 has always followed your orders, has never harmed anyone without your word, has never stepped out of your command. He immediately kicks them to the floor when you snap at them. You just risked life and limb to keep these people safe and warm, and when you come back limping they have the audacity to call you inattentive to the community. He doesn’t take any more liberties, he already let his emotions guide them to the floor, no need to guide them to the afterlife because of them.

“Shall I take care of them permanently? No? Then maybe just dismemberment?”

DEACON always away from the spotlight, didn't intervene but saw the whole thing. He doesn’t think less of you, actually he’s surprised it took this long, anyone else would have done it sooner. When you’re done he’s waiting at home for you, and when you ask where he went and if he heard you he just laughs.

“I was, y'know, around. I’m in the walls. You can't hide secrets from me!”

#fallout 4 companions #fallout imagines #fallout 4 #cait #preston garvey #fallout hancock #nick valentine #maccready #danse #piper wright #synth curie #x6 88 #deacon fo4

[ryuichirou]

Replies

We have A LOT of replies today! <3 Thank you for your asks!

Quite a bunch of them are related to our latest comic about Riddle and his mom, some are related to our previous replies, and some are just about the characters in general.

But before I start I wanted to note one thing: I’m probably going to start skipping some asks, and I’m sorry for that. I always try to answer everyone, but it’s getting more difficult for me to keep up, especially when writing replies where I don’t really have much to say. I’m not saying that you should stop: we read everything and appreciate you sharing your thoughts about characters with us; but please keep in mind that I might not reply. Like I’ve mentioned, me writing replies takes one (sometimes up to two) hour per day, and since I’m an artist, not a writer, it’s especially exhausting for me mentally lol I’m sorry about that.

I love talking to you, and I don’t want my replies to feel forced and burnt-out, that’s the main thought.

So, starting with the asks about Riddle’s mom and her amusing poster.

characharing asked:

i see Riddle's mom doesn't know of Chenya yet

I guess Chenya is just better at not being noticed when he wants to, being the Cheshire cat and all~

Anonymous asked:

Alrighty, who wants to go and throw apples at Riddle’s mom?

Probably the entirety of Heartslabyul…

Anonymous asked:

Your artwork with Riddle’s mom reminded me of a fan manga I saw on Pixiv by SIG. It’s about Trey confronting Riddle’s mom during winter break and helping Riddle get away from her (that’s what I can tell, I don’t speak Japanese)

Unfortunately I haven’t seen that one, but I’m glad it exists! After experiencing ch1 and seeing Riddle being so down and kind of anxious about returning home during winter break, it’s impossible not to get a “GO DO SOMETHING TREY TELL HER TELL HER” kind of thought. Or “MURDER HER”, it depends lol

Anonymous asked:

Trey needs to use his UM towards Riddle's mother. Trey can be a secret murderer if you ask me.

I feel like this idea is so prominent in our minds, we’ve mentioned it a couple of times, in the hc post about twst guys murdering people for sure lol

But yeah, Trey’s UM could be very dangerous…

blackbutlerfandomnerddomain asked:

Based on this, Riddle's first rebellion act is inviting Trey over when she's not around. Slowly the anxiety of him leaving before his mother came home faded and soon he began to feel the urge to have sex while Trey and him had the house to themselves. Bonus: They fucked on Riddle's desk AND Riddle's mum's bed

That would be absolutely scandalous, unacceptable, super nerve-wracking but also cathartic and completely necessary. Not to mention very hot lol You go, Trey, break that bed.

Anonymous asked:

Idia wants that poster too. XD

Yes please. And then the version of it with Rook’s face. And then the version of it with the Tweels. And then-

Anonymous asked:

My line of thought is 'ofc Riddle can still collar people' because some of the other prosecutors have gimmicks (Franziska and her whip, Godot and coffee, etc) but realistically it would probably just be Ace getting collared frequently during trials and investigations.

(This ask and the next one are related to the idea of Riddle being an Ace Attorney prosecutor, we mentioned it in these replies)

Yeah that makes sense, the prosecutors of this franchise just can’t do their job without doing something funky lol But what I love is the fact that it’s completely useless, be it a regular collar or a magical one, so basically it’s just a petty way to humiliate Ace because he is being annoying.

Lovely.

Anonymous asked:

Riddle would definitely lecture Phoenix about letting Trucy use her magic panties.

Oh man, so now Phoenix is disbarred and collared? This man just keeps winning lol

You can tell Riddle wasn’t allowed to use magic panties as a kid :(

Anonymous asked:

This is a dumb question but do you think Idia has what is the stereotypical NEET things? You know, hentai dating games, body pillows and the like. Also, what sexuality do you see the cast as? Just curious 😃

Idia is absolutely aware of all of these things and they absolutely surround him, and he is probably far less innocent than the game allows him to be lol But whether he really loves playing hentai dating games and buys erotic doujins depends on a story we’re telling in posts and drawings. Sometimes it fits better for him to be totally into all this stuff and be that gross otaku trope (with body-pillows, waifu-mousepads and kinks that are absolutely vile), sometimes it fits him better to just be aware of all that but not necessarily do it actively.

I guess the “default” state for us it that he has seen and actively read/played some stuff, so he is aware! But then again, he also seems like someone who wouldn’t want to see any smut with his precious waifus lol

We also don’t really headcanon characters’ sexualities, so I can’t really answer that question, sorry :( Whoever we ship them with, that’s their sexuality. So I guess they’re all gay lol

Anonymous asked:

I feel a bit stupid for not knowing this but the comic where Azul discovers the tattoo on Idia’s lower stomach and Idia freaks out, is that a kink or something?

You’re not stupid, Anon! It’s inmon (lewd crest, womb tattoo), basically a hentai trope. I don’t know if there are any strict rules about these tattoos, but in doujins that I’ve seen they’re usually used to make a character having it uncontrollably horny lol “Stupid and eager to breed” kind of horny. So I guess it really is a curse of sorts. But sometimes a succubus-type character could have it.

Anonymous asked:

HAHAHA, I just read the ask about Kalim at Frollo's school... I liked that. You can see this dynamic ending HORRIBLE. I can actually hear Kalim playing popular music in class while Frollo pops a vein... I need Kalim to expand his harem, I need more characters to share Jamil's nightmare, haha! (I love Kalim, but Kalim💢💢)

Anonymous asked:

*I'm not sure if I wrote Frollo or Rollo (HAHA??) in my last anonymous ask abut Kalim in NBC, thank god these are anonymous, is 2 am here, I'm sorry

No worries, Anon, neither of us even noticed that you wrote Frollo until you pointed it out lol

Oh poor Rollo… He really got lucky that neither Kalim nor the Tweels or Lilia went with the NRC guys that year lol He wouldn’t be able to handle them.

And with Kalim being a student at his school, and Rollo being a school counsel president, he’ll HAVE to keep an eye on Kalim all the time.

And the worst thing is, there is no way Rollo is getting used to all this dancing and music and stuff, and there is no way Kalim is getting rid of all that either lol

Anonymous asked:

I will never understand why KaliJami and AzuJami fans fight. Jamil has two hands and deserves more than one boyfriend that he can barely tolerate.

See, maybe the last part is the reason, maybe Jamil’s psyche can’t handle two of these idiots messing up with his brain in two completely opposite (but equally annoying) ways lol If we asked Jamil, he would’ve probably said that his hands are not for Kalim or Azul to hold, and that he would rather drink rat poison.

Wow, he is so mean, that Jamil… Kalim and Azul both need to shower him with love asap lol

Anonymous asked:

Ruggie x Idia be like:

Ruggie: I can't believe you spend so much money on useless figurines. Talk about a waste!

Idia: Excuse you! Do you you know how much these will be worth in a few years?!

Ruggie:.......................Go on.

Yeah, pretty much lol This is basically their interaction in the Glorious Masquerade event. Ruggie has a lot to learn from Idia-the-master-of-anime-auctions…

Anonymous asked:

Post chapter 5 Epel: Did you know that Rook is a Neige Leblanche fan boy?

Pre chapter 5 Vil: What? Where did you here that from?

Post chapter 5 Epel: Rook.

Ahh, so this is what that ask was about!

A perfect opportunity to hit Vil where he expects you to hit him the least lol But I feel like even Epel feels bad for Vil when it comes to this topic, so I don’t know if he would do it. Although it would definitely be tempting at times, especially when Vil’s complaining about Neige under his breath and Rook’s just sitting there smiling and being awfully quiet…

#replies

[johannestevans]

What are your favourite kinks to write?

It depends massively on my mood - obviously I write my favourite kinks most of all: cum inflation, stuffing, size difference, knotting, wing kink, etc. I really love spanking, although I just haven't been as much in the mood to write it of recent - I haven't written it as much but I love lactation, I love breast expansion, and I love in general like, various kinds of body modification, especially semi or non-consensual bodymodding to make someone more desirable or usable as a sexual object.

In general, I like situations where the consent is complex? Like, sure, a straight forward smut scene where it's one person putting the other under blatant duress, holding them captive, etc, but like... What's really fun and satisfying is a situation where the consent is hugely situational, where people want to take it away and then give it again, when a lot of it's contextual, when there's layer on layer of manipulation, etc.

I think especially as a rape victim but also like, a victim of sexual abuse as a child, and significantly of different forms of grooming and manipulation, I find a lot of satisfaction in the intrigue of a multi-layered situation, characters who delude themselves into thinking they're in control or have a modicum of it when they don't, characters who give up their control because it means they have something else that makes them feel safer - pleasure, predictability, consistency, etc - and so on.

But at the end of the day, Patreon massively restricts a lot of complicated consent scenarios, and not only do they restrict what I publish on my own Patreon, they've been known to take down people's accounts for posting objectionable content on other platforms, and they consider a load of shit to be "glorifying" rape and sexual violence that's not. I actually put up a consensual non-consent piece the other day that I did put up on Medium but now just don't mention on Patreon and won't appear in my directory there.

There's a lot more stuff I just straight up won't write and probably never will, at least not until I can go about my life not relying on Patreon at all.

Patreon is my main source of income, and so I don't actually play with a lot of fuckier aspects of consent even though they're really rewarding and like... really cathartic for me as a victim, not to mention hotter from a kink perspective? It's all about the complete loss of control and the complete overwhelming nature of the transformation, the sexuality, the pleasure, etc, and all its impacts.

But you know. We're all beholden to fundamentalist American Christians and their impact on payment providers that are anti-kink, anti-sex, and want to ensure that victims of sexual violence have no outlet or ability to voice their feelings, because our voices and artistic expression are threatening to the culture of sexual violence that's endemic to their ideology and way of life.

It is what it is.

#musings

[takami-takami]

I wish I could write about Hawks and food in a fic because that's like one of the more known tidbits about him, but I am unable to eat so writing about food makes me sad; but I think this is a good thing! Because it allows me to delve into more avenues of his life this kind of tendency could extend to rather than just saying "Hawks likes food" and calling it a day.

Where else does he indulge? What other kinds of hobbies would he like? If he likes cooking, it's probably for multiple reasons:

It's very domestic, homey, and authentic; which is something he values, but doesn't get a chance to explore in his line of work. How else would this extend? Perhaps he lets his significant other take the reigns to decorate their little home together (considering he himself is okay with the bare necessities), tending to houseplants or animals, cuddling cozy on a Sunday night like normal people do.

Being able to create things is cathartic. I think he would like to try creative stuff, like if his s/o wanted to paint with him, or listen to music, or even teach him an instrument!

Food is a healthy indulgence of concentrated comfort he can lean into, like I explained in my last. Which provides incredible insight into Hawks as a character. I know I focus a lot on that, but I really wouldn't if the source material didn't remind us of it constantly, if other characters did not point it out; and especially, I remember that scene where Hawks is being watched by the league and someone points out that he visibly panics when he grabs the wrong coffee, the one that isn't sweet. Undercover double agent Hawks, always shove your feelings down and cover them up with a plastic smile Hawks, literally being actively watched Hawks lets it slip over losing a can of coffee.

But like I said in my last, food offers insight into Hawks as a character. It's a writing device, not just a cute little quirk.

#(gastroparesis. I sustain by cycling through meal shakes fluids and bread) #🐇 rambles

[aussie-the-hedgehog]

Okay, I think I need to do this for myself.

I've been rewatching MHA to gear up for season 7. However, it seems I'm also watching to prove something to myself.

It's been nearly a year, and I still greatly struggle with shame of having Ochako as my favorite character. I realize this is a drawn out topic on this blog, but I must air this grievance for the good of my mental sanity.

I feel whenever I'm on Twitter, I see many brutally slander her character. I see criticisms that she has no use in the show. I have witnessed posts circled with threats concerning the topic. It is making me further question why I enjoy the character as much as I do.

To be frank, I care A LOT about what people think - honestly to a fault. I was verbally bullied as a kid for how I looked (I had buck teeth, glasses, and social struggles due to sensory disorders and autism). I struggled to fit in through my elementary and middle school days. I was labeled as "weird" and "a teacher's pet" just to name a couple. I always felt compelled to prove myself to fit in with the kids of my classes.

I also was made fun of for being a Dallas Cowboys fan. Granted, I live an hour away from Philadelphia, but I was picked on quite a bit for liking them.

One day after school in fourth grade, I was on a bus heading to a rec center for after care. The Cowboys were playing the Eagles the ensuing Sunday. If you know anything about the NFL, these two are bitter rivals. They absolutely hate each other. The bus driver was aware I liked the Cowboys. He decided to start a chant on the bus ride, "Dallas sucks!" all the way there to the rec center. All the kids jumped in without hesitation.

I was horrified. I broke down crying. I felt like in that one moment the world was against me. There was a kid sitting next to me who tried to comfort me by saying he's on my side rooting for Dallas. I appreciated his support, but in that moment I just wanted to get off the bus.

When I got off, my mom was waiting and saw me in tears. She scolded the driver for making me cry over a football game. The bus driver was fired the next day.

I will admit I have come to terms with the teams I like (it helps the Cowboys are a meme), but it's still difficult being honest with the things I enjoy. This is especially the case when it comes to the hopeful, compassionate trope in shows.

I look on social media sites such as Twitter. I see all these vitriolic comments directed toward those who enjoy Ochako for no reason. I feel I've been indirectly abused because I am a part of her fandom.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again - she follows the trope I like. She's the glue that keeps the group together. She's loving and kind to everyone she meets. I honestly see her as an honest to goodness daughter. You can call it weird if you want, but it's how I feel.

Now, you can look at all of this and conclude I shouldn't be on Twitter. That is totally fair. I do need to limit my time on social media. However, this remains discouraging in my life. I started watching MHA last February and this issue STILL remains. I'm ashamed for enjoying something morally okay since the fandom is extremely harsh concerning her.

I feel it has to do with my past in being criticized for what I enjoy and seeing the fandom crush anyone who likes the character. Both have come together in such overwhelming ways.

Another factor is one I've mentioned before. I am a guy and should be liking more masculine things. In no way should I be interested in female characters or how they give hope in dire predicaments. Yet, it's something I find admirable because that's just what I like. I have to be alright with that.

In no way am I victimizing myself. This is a grievance I've had to get out. The toxicity from the fandom and my own negative thinking have gotten to my head for me to at least put my fingers to the keyboard. Writing is a cathartic practice for me. Crafting pieces like this is extremely healthy for me.

There isn't much more to be said about why I like Ochako Uraraka. I've made several posts why. You can look at those if you're so inclined. All in all, I hope one day I can be confident in why I enjoy characters like her and not feel a need to care about what others think.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

#aussie vents #mental health #mha #bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #ochako uraraka #uraraka ochako #uravity #ochaco uraraka #verbal abuse #sensory issues #autism #toxic shame

[fionacle]

My college essay is 725 words, I need to cut it down to 600 by time my dad gets home today, but I like how it is now, so I’m posting it. It’s about how autistic people are viewed in society and the misuse of the word special to refer to them (us?). It’s below the cut.

I couldn’t tell you the first time it happened, most things before high school are a blur, but I’ve often heard others called special. The usage of this is not what special is supposed to mean. Special things are supposed to be important and unique, they matter a lot, it’s a very high compliment if you say it genuinely. But here it’s condescending. Like this is the core of the person being spoken about, and that core is a taboo. Like it’s pity for an illness, or warning of danger. They say the word as though they’re describing a creature, some animal of lesser mind.

“I’m proud of you for being friends with him.” “Why?” “Oh, you know, he’s special.”

To speak with one of ‘them’ is seen as a sacrificial act rather than basic human decency toward a human.

I love being praised. More than anything else in the world. I need to know I matter, to feel skilled and important, the good kind of special. But when I’m praised for something like this I feel dirty. I always try to be the hero when I see someone’s upset, even when it’s unneeded or undeserved, but not here. If I accept this praise it means I agree that I had to do something significant and difficult. It means that my friend is just a challenge that I beat. So, not only would I be lying, I’d also be insulting my friend, even if he wouldn’t be in earshot.

I want nothing more in life than to be special. The good kind.

I want to finish writing a book and become famous for it. I want adoring fans, and to make a difference in their lives. I want to be talked about as someone cool and worthy of awe and respect, maybe even envy. I want to know that my friends consider me important and good. I want everyone I meet to be so earnest about liking me that it forces out any thought about not being worth their time. I want to carry around the good special for everyone.

The word isn’t really that important to me, I don’t hold any affection for it. But I’m upset that it dehumanizes others, and mostly I’m upset that it dehumanizes me.

When I go into testing rooms, I’ve been to quite a few since childhood, they present games to test my brain. This is an awful way for me to show my symptoms. I do the best I can because it’s fun and I want to show off. I tend not to have “off” days when I visit them, especially because I’m rarely around triggers. They don’t see me cry because the lunch man took my apple juice cap. They don’t see me flail around because I hear someone chewing gum. They don’t hear my autistic friends explain to me how my experiences match theirs to an alarming degree. I need them to see my tears in action. I need to take my memories out of my brain and show them. They need to know everything I’ve done and they need to put a word to it and let me tell people.

Then, maybe, they won’t tell me to stop. To stop being too weird. Stop being too emotional. Stop being afraid of things no one else cares about. Stop “misidentifying” emotions. Stop all of it. To just be normal. Because no matter how much they want it to be true it’s not. It’s not. It never will be. I cannot be. I’m not normal.

There’s something both cathartic and terrifying in saying that.

“Stop doing that or they’ll think you’re special.”

If neither normal or special are options, what else do you want me to be?

People I’ve known for a year can see it. Why can’t you, who’s known me my whole life? Stop making that face when I bring this stuff up, don’t tell me I’m copying my friends, don’t tell me my friends are weak. They are not weak, and neither am I when I act like them. When I am true to myself I am strong. Don’t tell me that strength isn’t the real me. But I think they still ought to know me as “bad” special, as much as I hate the word, because then at least they’d know me.

#college essay #ferrenpost #autism

[the-cult-of-russo]

Poetic Tragedy (Part 6)

Pairing: Reader X Billy Russo

Warnings: Cursing, angst, sadness, substance abuse, mental health issues, mentions of sexual assault. This one’s a little dark and not really in a violent way (okay some of it is lmao). Just more the themes explored, I guess? 

A/N: Drama, drama, drama lmao 

Also, huge shout out to @idaofinfinity​ for your amazingly kind words on your reblog earlier. I don’t even know what to say and I don’t feel worthy of the compliments you gave me. It means so much to me what you’ve taken away from this story and how you’ve been able to put yourself in readers shoes in such a raw way. 

I appreciate each and everyone of my readers and especially so when you guys reach out to me and let me know how something made you feel. It makes me feel connected with you all on a really deep level. Fanfic for me is an escape. Sometimes, like this story, there’s things I have personal experience with and I’m working through shit, getting it out in a cathartic way. Or even if I’m just off in a make believe land for a moment where Billy has a pet cat called Asshole, its an escape. Writing fanfic is more than writing a story for me. It’s creating worlds and scenes that not only myself, but others can lose themselves in for a little while. It’s about taking you out of reality and putting you somewhere else. The readers on this blog have always been so supportive of me and always so encouraging and I love you all. 

—------------------

It was the day after Billy had decided to be an asshole and he hadn’t said one word to you, acting like you didn't exist. You really weren’t quite sure why he’d flipped like he did but you’d come to the conclusion he was just an asshole. He’d only helped you because of the shit with his mother, like he was enacting a fantasy with you he’d always wanted to live out. Some weird psychological bullshit. Either way, the only way he’d been nice to you and helped you was for some fucked up sick game he was playing for himself and you realised this Billy that was sitting across from you now was the real one. It also wasn’t lost on you that Dean had been avoiding you all day and you really weren’t sure why you were repelling people all of a sudden. You’d ended up spending the day with Karen and Curtis, following them around as they did what they did. You had a sneaky feeling Karen knew where your dark thoughts were heading, so she made it her mission to not let you wallow in your room and you were grateful. It also gave you the chance to get to know Curtis better and you really liked him. He was also not speaking to Billy because of what he did to Dean and you felt better that someone here had Dean’s back. Curtis had taken him under his wing and he took the slight personally. Now you were all gathered around a table in a meeting room on the same floor as yours that you didn't even know existed. It was essentially another bedroom but it had a large table in the middle of it, chairs all around it, and a bunch of monitors all over one wall with a long desk spanning the entire wall. This was where you’d been introduced to a man with scraggly hair called Micro. The same man who used to have the room you were currently using. 

Frank had gone over his plans for the Irish mob, a lot of it going over your head as you didn’t understand most of the technical shit they were saying. But they were the professionals so you knew they knew what they were doing. What you did know was that in the five days you were out of commission, Frank and Micro had been doing some recon to put a plan together. Billy had made it perfectly clear that he wasn’t happy with being left out of the planning, but that was all he’d said the entire meeting. Since the whole thing was basically just letting you know the plan and Billy wasn’t talking to you, he was uncharacteristically quiet. 

“We’re gonna hit ‘em in a week,” Frank said firmly, his finger tapping on the wooden table in front of him as he looked at you. You felt the relief sweep through you at finally having a time frame. An end goal. In 7 days you’d be free to go back to the life you knew. It would be over. You knew people didn’t get your desire to leave. Why would the homeless girl want to leave a place with a warm bed and food to go back to the streets? You saw it all over Karen’s face whenever she brought up you possibly staying and you shot her down. But you didn't belong here. This wasn't what you knew. There wasn't a place for you here. And now with Billy being a little bitch baby, you really just wanted to leave. From what you knew of their plan, in the days leading up to the big hit, they would be taking out some of the lower levels. Culling the herd, Frank had called it. After that, they’d be going after the head honchos. You knew this entire thing wasn't just for your benefit. Frank had been upfront about the fact that the Irish were already on their list because they were doing very bad things, but your little predicament had just sped it along a bit. But you couldn't wait to be free and finally leave. Most of your life had been on the streets and you’d grown accustomed to it. You didn't feel right in a place like this. 

With that out of the way, everyone filed out of the room. Billy was front and center, acting like he couldn't get out of there quick enough. You stuck with Karen as you went back downstairs. She was talking about something but you weren't really listening, completely in your own head. So much had happened in such a short space of time, you felt like a different person. You wondered how you’d adapt to being out on the streets without the drugs. It would be strange, so foreign to you now. But despite the quiet urge when things in your head got too loud, you knew you wouldn't go back to it. You’d been a slave to it for far too long, leaving your dignity behind. You didn't want to be that person anymore. You wanted control of your own life back. Your eyes found Dean as he slipped out of the front door and you knew you needed to speak to him, find out why he was being so weird with you. 

“I’ll be back in a minute,” you mumbled to Karen. She looked from you to the door as if putting the pieces together before she nodded.

“Okay,” she smiled. You hurried off to the door and went outside, seeing Dean standing around not far from the door. He turned around, looking shocked to see you.

“Why are you avoiding me?” you asked bluntly, having no time for bullshit. Life was too short to beat around the bush. He looked away from you guilty, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Y/N...” he started, unable to look at you.

“No, I wanna know why. Billy’s being a dick and that's fine. I thought I got to know him when we were stuck together but obviously not. But I expected better from you,” you frowned, disappointment lacing your tone. He looked uncomfortable, shifting where he stood.

“Look, I… Billy just… He told me to stay away from you,” he admitted, finally meeting your eyes. You felt anger sweep right through you and you clenched your fists.

“And you’re listening to him why?” you questioned harshly. You couldn’t deny you were hurt about it. You had no idea why Billy would be such a dick but it hurt that Dean was going along with it. He was the only familiar thing in an unfamiliar place and he was the closest thing you had to a friend. 

“Because he’s my boss, Y/N,” he sighed. You pursed your lips, looking at the floor as the guilt hit you instead. He’d been fine here until you showed up, messing everything up for him. This was his space, he had a place here unlike you. Did you just ruin everything you touched?

The door opened then and Billy appeared. You couldn't read his face but his eyes narrowed to slits as they went from you to Dean.

“Am I interrupting something?” he asked slowly, his voice amused yet annoyed at the same time. 

“Yes,” you snapped at the same time Dean muttered a ‘no’. You shot Dean a glare that could melt snow and he looked away from you. 

“Right… Well, Frank wants you in the armory,” Billy glowered, looking at Dean. Dean nodded and scurried off and you once again felt hurt he wasn't trying to work this out with you. Now you were left with Billy who was glaring at you.

“You’ve got some nerve telling Dean he can’t speak to me,” you growled. You really couldn't believe he was doing this. 

“He needs to get his head in the game, we���re into some serious shit here,” he replied with a stony look.

“Whatever,” you huffed. You couldn't be bothered dealing with him, there was no reasoning with him. You needed some air, feeling like you were suffocating with all the bullshit, and you turned around starting to walk away from the building.

“What the fuck are you doin’, Y/N?” he barked, quickly intercepting you so he was in front of you. You rolled your eyes as you clenched your jaw, eyes burning into him.

“I’m getting some air,” you bit out.

“I don’t think so,” he shook his head with a dark look.

“I don’t remember asking for your permission,” you hissed, feeling your anger turning up from simmering to boiling. Who the hell did this asshole think he was?

“It’s not safe,” he growled, taking a menacing step towards you.

“I’m just walking around the building. We’re in the middle of nowhere here!” you fumed. He was being ridiculous. He took another step towards you, tall and imposing as his eyes were ablaze.

“It's not safe. You don't know what’s out there. We got our intel but they could have theirs. We don't know if they’re hidin’ out there waitin’ for their chance to stick a bullet in you,” he seethed, tapping your temple for good measure. You smacked his hand away from you harshly.

“Like you give a shit! Stop pretending you care when really you just wanna boss me about for whatever fucking reason! I'm not one of your goddamn recruits! I don’t have to listen to you!” you yelled in frustration.

“Get your ass inside,” he growled, grabbing your wrists.

“Let me go, you asshole!” you spat. You tugged to try and get your wrists free and he went to grab you to pick you up, but you kneed him in the balls and he groaned, dropping to his knees. It had been a reflex at being manhandled like that but you didn't feel bad for one second. 

“The fuck is goin’ on out here? I can’t leave you two alone for two goddamn minutes?” Frank barked as he came outside. 

“He started it,” you muttered, not unlike a child. 

“Like hell I did,” Billy snarled from where he was on the floor, hand cradling himself. 

Frank’s eyes went to you and then Billy, heaving a large sigh.

“Get your ass up,” he muttered.

“I just got kneed in the nuts, Frankie. I’m gonna need a minute,” Billy growled with a glower.

“I don't give a shit, get up,” Frank glared. There was a tense standoff between the pair and you watched wondering what would happen. But then Billy picked himself up carefully, his body tense.

“She shouldn’t be out here, it's not safe,” Billy muttered, tensing his jaw.

“How ain’t it safe, Bill? No one knows where we are,” Frank frowned, he sounded exasperated. 

“We don’t know that. There could be someone out there right now,” Billy's arms swept dramatically around him and Frank snorted.

“Come on, man. You really think someone’s out there with a sniper with their sights trained on her? I know you don’t believe that, ‘cause if you did, you’d be on the roof with your own sniper and he’d be dead in seconds,” Frank quirked a brow at Billy and Billy shifted on his feet, shaking his head as he looked away. Things went quiet for a moment again and it was tense and uncomfortable. 

“Go inside,” Frank ordered, his voice firm and cold as his eyes bore into Billy. Billy looked shocked, offended even at the commanding tone like he was being ordered about by his partner. 

“Excuse me?” he asked, his tone calm but something told you he felt anything but.

“I said get the fuck inside,” Frank said scathingly. Billy glared at him for a moment before he scoffed, rolling his shoulder and not sparing you a glance.

“Waste of my goddamn time anyway,” he huffed, storming back inside. You hadn't realized how tightly wound you were until he was out of view and your body relaxed a little. 

“You alright?” Frank asked carefully.

“Fine. Just wanted some air,” you muttered, wrapping your arms around yourself. 

“Come on. I’ll come with,” Frank said softly, starting to walk around the building. You followed along beside him, feeling grateful he was a lot more reasonable than his counterpart. Frank was silent for a long moment and you tried to enjoy the crisp air. You were so used to being outside but you’d been stuck inside for so long. It was nice to back out here. 

“He hurt you?” Frank asked tensely after a while. You glanced at him but he was staring straight forward.

“No, just tried to grab me,” you answered with a shrug. He nodded, eyes darting to you for a brief moment.

“I don’t know what goin’ on with him. Ever since Rawlins… his face… he just ain’t been the same. He’s impulsive, reckless, can’t control his own shit… We used to be on the same page, I could read him like a book. But when he’s like this… I got no idea what's goin’ through that head of his,” Frank frowned thoughtfully. You remembered when Billy told you some of his past, when he’d mentioned he’d always been broken but it got worse after what happened to his face. You weren't really sure what to say to that so you both silently walked around the building. 

“Karen said you’re still plannin’ on leavin’ once it's done,” he blurted, eyes looking at you curiously for a moment. You tensed a little as you nodded.

“Yeah,” you replied, not knowing what else to add. You didn’t really want to talk about this again. You’d gone around and around in circles with Karen about it. Frank stopped walking and you did too with a small sigh, knowing what was coming.

“You don’t have to leave, you know,” he murmured, giving you a soft look. Your arms tightened around yourself, looking away.

“I know, but I want to. This isn't my place, Frank. I know you don't get it but I belong out there. It’s what I know,” you tried to explain. He looked away looking lost in thought as he nodded absentmindedly. 

“Well… if you change your mind, you know where we are. You’re always welcome here,” he said softly. You felt a slight warmth spread in your chest at his words and you smiled.

“Thanks,” you said sincerely. 

“And you better expect daily visits with coffee and pancakes,” he smirked ruefully, making your smile widen. It would be weird having people come to see you out there but you couldn't say you’d hate it. It had been a long while since you had anyone come to see you in your alley. The both of you set off walking then but the silence didn't feel as tense or uncomfortable. You were almost all the way around the building and back to the door when you spoke again, the question on the tip of your tongue the whole time you were out here with him.

“Why didn’t you say anything? You knew I was an addict but you never mentioned it,” you asked, curiosity burning at you as you both stopped outside of the door. 

“Didn’t see the point,” he shrugged. “You weren't here ‘cause of the drugs, you were here ‘cause the Irish wanted you dead. Didn't matter to me what you got up to. Although… I gotta admit I was plannin’ on talkin’ to you about it before you left. See if I could talk you into gettin’ checked into a rehab or some shit. But now look at you,” he shot you a smile that made your cheeks burn a little. He almost sounded proud. 

“You guys can add that to your resume. Crime stoppers, mob killers and rehabbers,” you snorted, making him chuckle. 

“Guess it was a good thing you stole that money after all. Don’t wanna think what would have happened to you if we hadn’t come to you that day,” he murmured, looking off into the distance. You nodded as you thought about it. You’d be dead, you knew that much. But Frank had given you his details because you stole the money. Miss Penthouse might have just saved your life. 

You were about to walk inside when Frank reached out, gently grasping your wrist. It was the slightest touch and as you looked at it, he quickly retracted his hand, a sheepish look on his face.

“Don’t let him get to you. He’s… complicated, likes to push buttons. Sometimes he gets so into his own head I don’t think he knows how to get out of there,” he said softly. He didn't need to say the name for you to know who he was talking about. 

“As long as he stays out of my way and stops trying to order me around, I’m good,” you replied, giving him a pointed look. He nodded, giving you a small smile before he opened the door and you both walked inside. Your eyes drifted to Dean who was lingering around the training area with some other guys. You knew you’d need to corner him again at some point, try to get him to see reason that he didn't need to listen to Billy. You remembered being a teenager, how he’d come to see you and bring you food, try to comfort you if you were sad, try to talk you out of a life of drug use. When he’d gone missing, you practically grieved for him. But now he was here and you didn't want him to shut you out like this. Not when he was basically all you had. You perched on the table closest to the door, Frank hovering around you.

“Gonna get training the guys harder. Need to amp it up a little, make sure they're ready for the big finale. It’s gonna get messy,” he muttered darkly. You had no idea how he did it, all the violence and death. You didn't have it in you to take on this kind of burden. The man you killed in the alley drifted to your mind and you tried to shut it out. 

“Sir, I found a new potential recruit,” a man said as he approached Frank after coming inside the building. It was the same guy you’d conned to let you leave for your fix. You noticed alarmingly that he had faded bruises around his throat and you wondered what the hell happened to him.

“Alright, let me get Karen and the others. We’ll talk to him,” Frank muttered, moving off to find them. The other man moved over to the door, telling the potential to come in. When he did, you felt like you couldn’t breathe. Your head swiveled to the other side of the room, your eyes meeting Dean’s horrified gaze. 

“Stay here, they’ll be right out,” the bruised man spoke before hurrying off, giving you a sheepish look. All you could do was blink at the man standing there for a moment and his lips curled into a smug smirk.

“What are you doing here?!” you hissed as you stormed over to him.

“What are you doing here, sweet cheeks?” he asked in return, looking like the cat that ate the canary. Your chest felt like it was caving in as you looked at him, rendered mute at how the world loved to keep shitting on you.

“I heard word that my baby brother was shacking up with these guys, taking on the good fight. Imagine my surprise when I found out he was alive and well,” his smile turned cruel as he took a step towards you but you couldn't move.

“And then on the way here, that asshole went on and on about the homeless girl they’d taken in. How she was an addict and the Irish mob wanted her dead. And when he said it was you… well, I couldn't believe my luck,” he grinned darkly. You swallowed thickly, your hands clenching into fists. Your fight, flight or freeze kicked in and your body decided now was the time to freeze. Nothing good would come from him being here. He didn’t come here with good intentions. 

“Heard you're clean now. I’d say I’m disappointed but we both know it won't last long. Tell me, Y/N, you itching for a hit yet?” he smirked, his eyes glinting sinisterly at you as he stepped right into your space.

“Get the fuck away from her!” Dean snarled, shoving his brother roughly away from you. It only made Josh laugh though.

“There a problem here?” Frank asked slowly. Your eyes snapped to them then, the main group. Karen loved to jokingly refer to them all as the elders, the ones who founded the place. Karen was watching with a worried look on her face, Frank just confused and wary. You couldn’t read Curtis or Micro but Billy's dark eyes were narrowed dangerously as they swept over the three of you.

“No problem, sir,” Dean muttered, his voice wavering a little as he took your wrist and made you both take a step back. You were too in shock to really understand what was happening, your mind spinning. 

“Right… Well… If you follow us, we’ll have a talk, see if you’ll fit in here,” Frank replied. He still sounded unsure, his eyes looking at you concerned but you wouldn't meet their eyes. You felt trapped. Josh gave them an innocent grin, moving to follow them to a table nearby they all moved to sit at. You noticed that Dean followed on behind a little, hovering around the table. You moved over to the door, slipping out of it quickly. You felt unable to breathe, your chest tight and uncomfortable. He couldn't be here, you didn’t want him here. Someone grabbed your wrist and you jumped, a yelp leaving your lips as you were turned around. Billy looked at you with his face blank, but his touch on your wrist was light. 

“I’m gonna ask you somethin’ and you're gonna give me an honest answer,” it wasn't a request, it was a demand and you nodded dumbly, eyes feeling fuzzy and unfocused. 

“Is that him? Is that Josh?” he asked, his voice low and rough. Your eyes met his then, seeing the fire behind them. You couldn't speak, didn't know what to say. Dean obviously didn’t want people to know but what else could you do? Allow him to be here for whatever nefarious reasons he’d turned up? Your mouth opened but nothing came out, your eyes wide and panicked. It seemed to be answer enough though as Billy's eyes darkened even more, his jaw ticking before he let you go and rushed inside. 

You weren't sure what was about to happen but your feet felt the need to follow him. You got inside just in time to see Billy grab Josh by his jacket, yanking him from his seat like a ragdoll before pinning him to the wall by his throat. 

“The fuck, Bill?” Frank asked, jumping up, the others following suit. Billy seemed to pay them no mind as he glared at Josh, who was infuriatingly smirking at him.

“You think you’re funny, huh? Comin’ here to mess with people’s heads? Think you’re a big man?” Billy growled at him. Josh blinked at him, looking unfazed for a man with a hand around his neck.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” he bit out, obviously having a hard time with his windpipe being squeezed.

“Let him go, Billy,” Karen chided, looking confused.

“You get off on people’s sufferin’, you piece of shit?! You love it when they come grovellin’ back to you for more?!” Billy snarled viciously at him. You watched on as Curtis and Frank managed to get a furious Billy off him and Josh sagged in relief against the wall, rubbing his neck. He tilted his head at Billy, his eyes drifting to you for a brief moment before going back to Billy and his lips curled into a smirk.

“She tell you what she let me do to her to get her fix? How she let me put my dick in her just for some H?” Josh grinned cruelly. You felt sick, hand coming to your stomach as you felt shame burn through your entire being. Billy let out a roar as he ran at him, grabbing his arm and swinging him around. Josh fell to his knees and Billy, still holding Josh’s wrist, slammed his other hand down so hard that Josh’s arm cracked and he screamed. You stumbled backwards, seeing Josh’s arm at an unnatural angle and you heard murmuring and yelling all around you as the whole thing drew a crowd.

“You’re gonna let them do this to me? Your own brother?!” Josh screeched as he glared at Dean, tears down his face at the pain. 

“I don’t have a brother,” was Dean’s cold response. 

“Wait a minute, this is him?” Frank asked, looking from Billy to Josh and then you. You hadn't told Frank anything about your past which led you to believe Billy had. You weren't sure how to feel about it but you were in no state to even process it. Billy didn’t answer but his dark and crazed eyes met Frank and you knew they were somehow communicating without words. 

Billy grabbed Josh by the front of his jacket, hauling him up and making him cry out as his arm that hung limply at his side got jostled. Billy held him against the wall, a menacing smirk on his face.

“Say the word, Y/N, and I’ll snap his neck,” Billy grinned darkly. His words were met with murmurs and shock from everyone and Josh laughing deliriously from the pain.

“What?” you asked, your voice sounding hollow. You couldn't understand what he was saying to you. Still holding Josh up, he turned his gaze to you then. His face was serious now, all traces of amusement gone. 

“Say the word and I’ll do it,” he bit out. You blinked at him, a frown gracing your face. Josh had done a lot of things, to you and to others. But there was no way you could have that on your conscience and you weren't sure how to feel about Billy offering to kill someone for you. You shook your head, stomach churning as you felt bile rising in your throat. If there was one word to sum up Billy’s face at your response, it would have been disappointment. He turned back to Josh then only to see he was already looking at you.

“Don’t you look at her!” he raged, his fist connecting to Josh’s face hard. You winced, closing your eyes as your heart sped up. You weren't built for this, for the violence. It reminded you so much of your childhood and you leaned back on the wall feeling like you might pass out. But Billy kept hitting him and hitting him until Frank grabbed him once more and Josh collapsed into a heap on the floor. His face was a bloodied mess and swollen and you looked away, covering your mouth with a shaky hand. 

“You’re gonna kill him,” Frank muttered harshly, giving Billy a firm look.

“He’s a criminal, Frank. He hurts people. Ain’t that what we do? Take out the bad guys?” Billy asked as he caught his breath. The look in his eyes was absolutely unhinged.

“He’s a piece of shit dealer, not a murderer. There’s lines we don’t cross,” Curtis frowned, looking at Billy disapprovingly. Billy snorted, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, please spare me the holier-than-thou bullshit, Curt. You got no idea what he’s done,” he replied darkly.

You wobbled where you stood for a moment and felt an arm steady you. You looked over to see Dean, his eyes assessing you worried. He didn't look upset at what just happened at all but you knew he must have felt something deep inside of him. 

“We need to just let him go,” Karen murmured. She looked shaken up, her arms around herself as she toyed with her lip with her hand. 

“Seriously? We let him go? And he what, goes back to ruinin’ people’s lives?” Billy asked derisively. 

“We can’t let him go,” Dean spoke up from beside you. All eyes turned to him then and you felt some of them sweep to you with concern. You looked ready to have a heart attack. 

“Why not?” Frank asked. He sounded so done with all the bullshit.

“He knows about the Irish. I know my brother, he’s gonna want revenge for this. The first thing he’ll do is tell the Irish where to find you and send them right to Y/N,” Dean muttered tensely. There was an unsettling silence that fell over you all then and you shifted where you stood. Why did bad things seem to follow you wherever you went?

“That settles it then. I vote for snappin’ his neck,” Billy grinned, brows raised. There was some agreement from the crowd of recruits who had been watching like it was a new action movie. 

“Bill… We can’t just…” Frank tailed off frustratedly, running his hands over his head in agitation. 

“We could just keep him here? Put him in one of the spare rooms, lock him in?” Curtis suggested with a shrug.

“Keep him prisoner?” Karen asked, looking conflicted. 

“Like fuck he’s stayin’ here. I ain’t havin’ him under this roof, Frankie,” there was a warning tone to Billy’s voice as he glared at Frank. 

“I agree with Billy,” Dean said quietly. You turned to look at him, shock coloring your face. You hated Josh with your entire being. He’d got you hooked on that shit when you were just a kid that had suffered terrible trauma. You knew you weren't the only one he’d done that to. You knew he was sick and there was no way he’d ever be able to turn his life around. He was too far gone, too messed up. He wasn't just a dealer, selling drugs because it was good money. He genuinely enjoyed the suffering it brought people, loved the power he held over them. But you couldn't bring yourself to agree that taking his life was the right thing to do. Didn't agree with playing god like that. It felt wrong. 

“I say we take a vote,” Micro piped up for the first time. He hadn’t even moved from where he’d been sitting at the table, just watching it all unfold 

“Good idea. All in favor of killin’ the asshole?” Billy grinned, raising his hand. There was a murmuring of agreement and your eyes swept over the crowd seeing the hands go up. It was most of the people there and you looked around, seeing Dean’s hand raised along with Micro’s. And when your eyes drifted to Karen, she hesitantly put her hand up and Billy flashed her a grin and Frank’s shoulders slumped. Your stomach sank. 

“Jesus Christ… Bill…” Frank looked at him incredulously but Billy just smirked at him.

“It’s done. We don't run a place where people don't feel safe, Frank. The people have spoken, he’s gotta go,” he replied with a raised brow. 

“You know what, you do what you gotta do but I’m takin’ no part in it. You shoot him, make it clean and make it quick,” Frank muttered, shaking his head before walking off to the stairs, Karen hurrying to follow him. 

“Alright, at ease, assholes! Nothin’ to see here!” Billy called out, making the crowd dissipate quickly. Curtis shook his head as he walked away but Micro just turned back to his laptop, tapping away at his keyboard. Billy bent down, slapping Josh’s face harshly.

“Time to get up,” he growled. Josh muttered something unintelligible as Billy grabbed him, practically dragging him outside. You still stood by the door, heart feeling like it was about to burst out of your chest. Dean’s hand was still on your shoulder and you heard the gunshot outside, flinching as you squeezed your eyes shut. Dean’s hand tightened on your shoulder and you felt sick. You made a dash for the bathroom, quickly falling to the floor in front of the toilet as you emptied the contents of your stomach. Flashes were bursting behind your eyes of all the times Josh had toyed with you when you needed your next fix. How he loved it when you didn't have the money, loved having you under him desperate and traumatized as he had his way with you. Now he was dead, yet you didn't feel any relief from it. He was a piece of shit but he was still a person and he was dead because of you. He came here and died because of what he’d done to you. Because the Irish wanted you and everyone knew he’d turn you in. When you were done, you stood on shaky legs and walked over to the sink, washing your mouth out with water. You didn't recognise the traumatized girl staring back at you in the mirror. Your hands gripped the sink tightly as you lowered your head and took some deep breaths. 

The door opened and you glanced over to see Billy come in, lingering just inside. You didn't say anything, just watched him with shell-shocked eyes as he looked at you intently and tilted his head.

“Not even a thank you?” he asked, sounding amused. Your mouth gaped in shock as you moved from the sink and he stepped closer to you.

“Are you- Seriously? You just killed him!” you hissed incredulously. Billy’s eyebrows raised, a derisive laugh leaving his lips.

“Wow… alright, thought you’d be more grateful after all the shit he did to you. Or maybe you’re just worried now you won’t be able to go runnin’ to him for your shit anymore,” he smirked cruelly. Your hand connected with his face so hard that the sound of the slap echoed off the walls and his head snapped to the side. His hand came to his face, shock all over it as he blinked at you.

“You gave him this big speech how he loves to fuck with people’s minds and gets off on people suffering, but how are you any better? All you’ve done since I’ve got clean is throw it back in my face! I’ve done nothing to you, absolutely nothing, and for some reason, you’ve decided to make me feel as small as Josh used to!” you exploded vehemently. 

“You told me you’re broken and honestly, I think you're right if you think for one second I’m gonna thank you for killing someone for me! He was a monster but murder doesn't solve everything! It doesn't make me feel better that he’s dead, it doesn't take away my trauma that he's dead! So don't stand there and act like you killed him for me when you did it because you're fucking messed up!” you yelled, eyes pricking with tears. He didn't say anything, hand still on his face where you struck him as he blinked at you slowly. You didn't want to wait around for him to spit more cruel words at you so you shoved past him and out of the door. You couldn't believe him. He’d asked you if you wanted him to kill him and you told him no but he’d done it anyway. You just wanted it all to end. You wanted to just go back to your alley where it was quiet and there was no violence surrounding you. You’d run away to escape the horrors of violence, only to find yourself in the arms of it once again. 

Taglist: (if you’ve been asked to be tagged and aren’t here, it wouldn’t let me tag some people.)

@firexfate @blanchedelioncourt @ariesbutalibra @sunshinedaisies-anddeath @snowkestrel @music-indie-tv @idaofinfinity @sweetserendipity65 @ramadiiiisme @k-marzolf

@celestialams

#billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo fanfic #billy russo imagine

[clay-cuttlefish]

I am still on my bullshit about the Vic + Renee + Helena + Jean-Paul + Ted teamup. Here are three unrelated character elements I have been rotating in my mind for it.

Thing 1: Helena's Thoughts on Jean-Paul

Azrael: Agent of the Bat #63-65 and Cry for Blood came out right after each other and reading them back to back fills me with Helena Emotions. It's been a while, but as far as I'm aware this is the most Helena and Jean-Paul ever interact?

Gesturing at these. You get it. How has this never been explored in more depth.

I'm attached to the idea that Helena's resentful of Jean-Paul for getting the benefit of the doubt and a second chance when she didn't, and it would only make her more frustrated that he barely remembers her and would be genuinely apologetic if she brought it up. It's not cathartic to yell at someone who gets weird and self-deprecating about it.

It'd be especially frustrating because it's not like her concerns about JPV are unfounded, but also she is 100% aware that if she went "I am not going to hang out with him, he's killed people" Vic and Renee would be insufferable about it and they wouldn't even be that wrong.

Thing 2: What The Questions Are Actually Good At

If Vic and Renee going to be active together, it'd be nice to flesh out their respective skills so they don't feel overly similar, ideally without pinning them down into their 52 roles (since Renee's evolved a fair amount since then) or making them excessively competent.

To do this, I want to contrast how Vic is generally pretty grounded and city-level while Renee's out there chasing cults across the world. Partly because I think this is really core to what makes them distinct and has been overlooked in both of them recently, partly because I don't like Vic's conspiracy theorist characterization and want to push back on it because I'm petty.

For Renee, I'd lean into the "witness to the bizarre" angle. She's found a space at the edges where the weirdness of the DC universe blends into the day-to-day - the places where multiversal skeleton assassins are a job risk for reporters, or where chasing organized crime sometimes leads her to Vandal Savage.

I'm pretending she last appeared in Lois Lane because making her the commissioner sucked and I can ignore a few years of appearances without breaking anything. In this version of reality she got her private investigator license as part of working with Lois so that she can operate semi-above-board, but she's mooching off of Tot (and maybe Lois still) so she doesn't have to take on real jobs. Anyways she's actually A Detective who has real investigative skills.

On the other hand, Vic's primary methods of investigation are asking directly and eavesdropping. A lot of what he does best relies on him either being recognized as a local reporter or being supernatural, neither of which I want to do, but I think it could be fun to take elements from the "city emissary" version into the "guy who has really strong opinions about municipal safety inspections" side of his writing.

What I'm saying is: let him get into a building by pretending to be a fire code inspector and then listen in on the employees until he figures out what he's looking for.

Thing 3: Ted and JPV Do Not Have to Be In Costume

This is just a kind of story I want to see for them tbh.

Ted does not need to be out there in tights at all. He's bad at staying retired, but that doesn't mean he has to be doing the legwork himself, and this is a group with minimal expectations for what he should be doing. Let him be the tech guy/world's least subtle getaway driver!

JPV enters the story in armor since he's trying to investigate, but once he's out of that first sequence, he doesn't have to suit back up. This being a heist/investigation focused group means that Azrael's skillset isn't super helpful, and they're working on their cooperation so he can actually try using his own skills.

He doesn't have, like, great skills for vigilantism, but half a comp sci degree and some medical training is more than Vic had. Depending on how much Azrael's able to dip into deeper System knowledge without freaking out, it might also be able to apply some of its engineering skills to things other than edgelord weaponry, or at least understand what Ted's showing off better than the others.

He can have an adventure where he gets to make a friend and be a nerd and not maim anybody. As a treat. He has more than enough unresolved emotional hooks to play off of already.

#clayposts

[dead-loch]

Chapter 4 of Missing Time is up.

I got back into the groove of things with this chapter, I think. There is one important warning for this chapter (which is noted) and I've expanded on it a little below the cut (read the chapter first pls)

First of all to anyone who experiences traumatic flashbacks during intimate moments, incl. sex, I'm sorry.

I've actually never seen this explored much in fic (not in my lil corner of fandoms anyway) and considering I can, unfortunately, get flashbacks just from reading or seeing something (so, even when the thing isn't happening to me), it's something that I've wanted to explore because it's a real thing that happens and can Fuck With Your Head. And writing is cathartic!

So, I'm definitely weaving lots of my own experiences into Eddie, mainly in terms of how she deals with the fallout of having been in a relationship (of sorts) with Ray.

From him lying to Eddie to manipulate her into opening up about something (Lou/Bushy), to trying to gaslight her when she's rightfully pissed off at him, to him once again bringing up a fresh trauma so that he can throw her off and attack her, and like his entire demeanour changing when he gets upset (idc what anyone says, you could see the kind of person he would be in a relationship and it is SCARY), these things would wreck havoc on you after the fact. Like yeah, obviously it sucked in the moment, but considering he wasn't outright violent with her and didn't let his true colours really show through until the end, and considering he literally has the capacity and propensity for murder, it's easy in the moment and immediate aftermath to say, "I'm okay because I didn't suffer as much as ___".

However, when things have settled, these are also things that are going to hit you pretty hard. It could make you seriously doubt your ability to read people, would create and/or exacerbate trust issues, and knowing that you've been intimate with someone who is capable of harming others is, frankly, fucking terrifying.

With that out of the way, I also wanted to touch base a little on why I am playing out a (sexual/potentially romantic) relationship between Cath & Eddie moving faster than a relationship between Dulcie & Eddie.

Eddie has spent the ENTIRE season trying to convince herself and others that she isn't attracted to Dulcie (whether that's true or not). It's easier for Eddie, now the dust has somewhat settled, to have this relatively safe crush on Cath, especially given that Dulcie has not and will not react in jealousy to the little moments between them. As children (and adults tbh) we often develop crushes on people we have zero chance with, these end up being safe ways we can begin to explore our sexuality.

In this fic, although Eddie has "experimented" (which is canon), it was over 20 years ago, and never developed further than kissing before she was thrown into a world of toxic masculinity (and I'm going to assume it came with the usual misogyny, cis- and heteronormativity, racism, etc) and immediately decided that being the woman of colour on the force was preferable to being the queer woman of colour on the force. I do want to clarify that this wasn't a decision she just made one day. As with most things, it's something that developed over time until it became the new normal.

So, Eddie is realising that she may be developing a (sexual) attraction to Cath earlier than she's realising she may be attracted to Dulcie, too (even though there have been little moments between Eddie/Dulcie already). Cath feels like a safer crush because Eddie doesn't think that Cath would ever cheat on Dulcie.

Finally, shoutout to anyone who has to withdraw completely from human interaction every once in a while. This is something I've come to accept about myself, but it was a long time coming. As a child, whenever we had family anything (dinner, reunion, holiday, etc), I was the one who would disappear off to the basement, or outside, or even in a fking washroom, just to get some peace and quiet because socialising drains me so completely.

It's not exactly the same here in Eddie's case- she spends two days avoiding people because she's trying to sort out her thoughts and doesn't fully understand what she's feeling. But the end result is the same: she didn't want to be away from anyone in particular; she just needed some space for herself.

Bonus: the discussion at the end of the chapter isn't the one I was going to write initially, but Eddie is stubborn and it didn't feel natural for her to confess to any kind of feelings at this stage.

PS: in case this is bothering some people, Dulcie was NOT creeping around Eddie's bedroom. She honestly was just going upstairs lmao

PPS: if you don't think Eddie's capable of giggling (as she does several times when she's drunk in this chap), I urge you to watch Madeleine Sami on Taskmaster NZ.

#deadloch #fanfic #eddie redcliffe #writing #cw sa mention #cw ptsd #trauma #flashbacks

[springsaladgaming]

I'm in the US, so we celebrate Thanksgiving (in the sense that we have a dinner) in my family, and ever since I can remember there's one common denominator about family holidays that has always made me hate them, and that's that I feel ignored.

For the first couple of hours of any gathering with my family (which only ever consists of me, my mom, my sister, my brother-in-law, or me, my dad, my sister, my brother-in-law, because my parents are divorced and don't interact with each other), things are fine. I can engage in conversations with everyone and feel like I'm listened to.

For some reason, as the time drags on, my family members start unconsciously pushing me out of the equation. To this day, I don't know why it happens. It's not because I speak less or anything. On the contrary, I try to make entries into a conversation that start to get talked over and ignored more and more the longer the night goes on.

Interestingly enough, it happens in some of my friend groups too. I can't come up with any observable reason why it happens. People just stop listening to me. I'll make entire statements that people seem to start listening to, and then, like someone flipped a switch that suddenly erased my existence from the timeline, the others will just continue speaking like I never said anything to begin with. It feels almost surreal when it happens.

I've tried talking louder to assert myself in a conversation. I've tried confronting people about it when it happens. Nothing fixes it, nothing changes it, and, more often than not, people try to gaslight me into believing that it's all in my head whenever I do speak up about it.

It's a pretty terrible and hurtful experience, but it's been happening to me so long and so regularly that I've come to expect it from every family gathering. It happened tonight too, but I'm not really bringing it up to talk about the specifics of one evening.

Like, here's the thing about me as a person. I'm an enormous introvert. People who interact with me for the first time in person usually would never guess that—in fact, some people that I've known for years never realized that about me until I explained it to them because I'm extremely good at masking it. But, even though I'm really good at blending in and carrying myself through an interaction like I'm an extrovert, inside there's this timid little person that is constantly screaming out to be acknowledged and respected.

I think there's some clear signs of emotional neglect somewhere in all of this that I've been trying to unpack more in recent years, but that's a different conversation.

What does this have to do with Interactive Fiction?

Well, here's the thing about me as an IF player. When given the option, I almost always play my characters as timid (and sometimes neglected) as possible. Some authors out there do such a great job at writing these scenes that it's actually emotionally painful to read through some of them when playing a character with that personality.

But there's also something extremely cathartic and validating about it for me. It's an emotional thing for me to play a timid character and have their struggles be acknowledged and reacted to by the other characters in the story, largely because I do think that my experience growing up was far too much of me constantly setting aside my feelings and needs for others and nobody ever noticing.

So to go into an Interactive Fiction and have a main character like this is a connection that really makes me feel seen.

And we talk about representation in IF with a lot of things, like with gender, sexuality, racial and cultural identity, neurodivergency, etc. And maybe the kind of timid/introvertedness that I'm talking about in IF can be seen as a type of ND, especially when considering the causes for it, but I don't know that we talk about it the same way we talk about things like depression, for example.

So I dunno, I'm really just rambling about some thoughts I've been having lately, but I really appreciate when IFs have introverted options. In addition to the other types of representation listed above, it's one of the main things I look for when deciding to play an IF.

A lot of the time, out there in the world, it feels like most people don't get it. But it's good to come into the IF community and find a piece of writing that I really like and be able to say, "You understand me."

#just me venting about my holiday woes #and also some random thoughts about representation in IF #non writing #non ninelives #tw: mental health #just in case

[defensivelee]

having a fucking moment out here tonight so heres a rant uncalled for

tw for csa and maybe internalized aphobia? idfk

and ig I talk about six lives a bit so there's that

it's such a weird experience being aroace and a csa survivor... like I know there is an automatic revulsion to anything sexual irl (in fiction I am obv more than ok with it) but I don't know where that's from

I think on occasion that the reason there's such a strong aversion is bc of the csa. it definitely fucks with me in multiple ways but that is one thing that I REALLY don't like to think about, that I'm aspec bc of that. for me that is something I don't want to be. there's always talk about how ace people just have sexual trauma, and yeah a lot of people do and are ace. it's valid asf for them but for me I just shy away from the explanation. it feels like I'm enforcing a stereotype, and I KNOW that's bad thinking and I'm trying to shake myself off of it but it's where my head ends up anyway. I constantly... without any words rlly... apologize to myself for this. I don't want to ever have to explain me being aspec, and that includes to myself.

writing William in six lives has weirdly helped with that, tbh he's helped with a ton. but this kind of puts all my issues in someone else and I can view this in an almost detached manner. he's ace, also a csa survivor, but what I really enjoy seeing is that despite this he can still fuck. I wanted him to be someone who simultaneously cares too much and yet too little about sex with other people. I think his whole careless-yet-cautious attitude about it is smth I wish I had, which tbh isn't great... he brushes it off for himself and yet cannot stand it in the moment. the main thing I think I like is that he can still do it at all, that despite everything he's not completely 'ruined,' a bit of an awful mindset in his especially aphobic society. I can't even have that.... and again, this is just me being fucking awful to myself, I love all aspecs

I just hate the idea that what happened to me impacted me like that, forever. I don't want to give my abuser any kind of power and it feels like this is what's happening. but I think ultimately (and very often in times like these).... I would have been aspec either way. being ace just feels so right. for ME, at least, I know it wouldn't feel that way if my experiences caused that

it's something William struggles with too. he's not at all certain why he's 'broken'... in fact, in this society, being ace isn't really a well known thing and sex is like. rlly important to them. and this just further convinces him that the csa is the prime reason, everybody else fucks and is happy and feels attraction, and like me he hates that idea. that the man who hurt him then is still ruining his life now. and even more so bc he also feels that this is just who he is, no one else had a say. but someone did and it's not fucking fair

I like to see this conflict in him, it's very cathartic for me to see it spelled out, and more importantly validating bc he just wants to be happy in that identity, like I want to be and for the most part usually am. I feel how angry he is, but for this righteously so and I write with that anger

he also would have been ace either way. bc of this society's refusal to address this tho it might take him a while to realize that this is him and he's not broken and he's fine.

maybe one day I'll write this realization bc just thinking about it makes me cry happy tears

#vent cw #sheep stop projecting on men who died centuries ago and have no business being in your crazy universe challenge

[loverockawaitsyou]

Abusive relationship(s) recovery thoughts

In regards to my last text post about my time in Seattle, I am immensely proud of the progress I've made, but I still have a long way to go on my healing journey from being in an emotionally abusive relationship and abusive work environment.

I am very ambitious, so following what happened to me, I wanted to be "productive." I wanted to get my life back on track. I wanted to prove to myself that I could be the me I always thought I could be, I wanted to make up for lost time, and I didn't want to feel as if I was letting my abusers win by letting my life fall apart because of them.

I have been learning to trust people again, and seeing the good that exists with people I've met in passing, or only for a short while. Additionally, I am trying to train myself that it's OK to rest and rejuvenate. American culture is deeply rooted in the "hustle and grind" mindset, and I am working to refute that.

Megan Thee Stallion's "Cobra" has been cathartic for me, as the song talks about rebirth, but she admits she was traumatized, and not always "strong." I've been trying to be strong, but I am feeling a little fatigued. Recovery has been a long road.

TW: Sexual Assault, Suicidal Ideation

Two days before I left for Seattle, my ex got super drunk and crossed a physical boundary.

At first, I didn't realize what was going on, but knew it was wrong. I thought he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing. But later, after he started to withhold my music collection, ghost me, sleep with my coworker, and saw his passive aggression towards me, I realized he DID know what he was doing. It and everything else was a very deliberate act to put me in my place because I dared to leave him.

I told my bosses what my ex did, and I was victim-blamed. They said I was "warned," which is damning because that means they know what he is and choose to keep him there... and he's been there 11 years. And year after year, another poor woman falls prey to him. But they're abusive too, so that shouldn't have been a surprise, sadly.

To say I felt betrayed and disposable was an understatement. For three years, I was devalued and exploited by multiple people even though I was nothing but kind and tried to be a good employee. My first ever "relationship" was abusive and my ex never really loved me, just used me. I sought a community but found betrayal and suffering. I was inconsolable for a couple of weeks. I didn't know if I would still be here today.

Mentally, I'm in a WAY better place, but still growing and trying to manage my thoughts. Occasionally, I feel spurts of sadness and rage, but I try my best to channel that into writing and other creative projects... and also by talking about it in a healthy way and through sharing my experience. Also, it has been helpful to surround myself with people who actually love and support me and also put up boundaries with people who do not, which has resulted in cutting off a lot of people, especially those who still support my abusers or have minimized the damage they caused.

Things are getting better, but it's not without its struggles. I hope I can help someone with what I write.

I am trying to be proud that I walked away and started over. Yes, sometimes everything looks great, but there's a lot behind the scenes. But I love my new city and the wonderful people I met online and in real life.

[scribefindegil]

5, 8, and 10 from the writing meme, please!

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

You know, I'm not sure that I have any! I'm trying to think, but I'm not a wildly superstitious person so I might just have a boring answer for you, sorry!

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

Oh, without dialogue definitely. That's *easy*. I can spiral around the inside of someone's head for *days*. Most of the important cathartic turning points of my stories are internal anyway. I admire people who can write chatfic and other dialogue-only story forms, but if I can't go off on a 500-word introspective tangent at the slightest provocation I will break out in hives.

(I'm actually sitting here going "Have I ever written something entirely without dialogue?" and I don't thiiiink so, but there are a bunch of shorter pieces where there are just a few very deliberate lines of dialogue as anchor points.)

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Mary, to write is to be haunted. They're practically synonymous. To read is to be haunted, too, but in a different way. One of them is about pawing around in the dark trying to piece together the fragments of a vision so you can show it to someone else and say, "This is what I saw. Do you understand? Do you believe me?" and the other is about catching a glimpse of someone else's ghost and feeling it settle into your soul and knowing that if you try to look at it in daylight it'll just be words and sounds and pictures but that won't make the ghost go away.

I'm very easily haunted, for good or ill. Sometimes a haunting is a guardian angel (that's why I make talismans, to keep these stories close) and sometimes it's a terror (words that sprout long wicked claws that rake across your heart) and sometimes it's both (especially the stories that are doubly haunted by the ghosts of who you used to be) and sometimes it's something more complicated and piercing than that.

I write two kinds of stories; the ones that I want to and the ones that I need to, and any story that I need to write will haunt me until the day I get it posted. "Fisherman's Knot" haunted me for years. I knew the last scene and it wouldn't let me go until I got to it. "Mabel Pines Vs. The Laws Of Narrative Causality," "The Real World," and "First And Final Orders" are all fics that are essentially thesis statements about their source material that wouldn't let me rest until I'd written them.

It's this way with songs, too. I'll often get a verse or a line or a concept, and rather than being something I can toss in a notebook until I need it it will feel like it's trying to claw its way out of my head, and however long it takes it won't lie quiet until I finish it. "Apocalypse Ballade," "Make This Timeline Brighter," and the "It Takes Such Courage Not To Turn To Stone" poem are the worst offenders.

Other people's writings that have haunted me either recently or long-term: The Last Unicorn. Pamela Dean's Tam Lin retelling. This one Mob fic that looked like it was going to be about gardening but turned out to be about grief. Mary Oliver's "When I Am Among The Trees." the concept of "Every Heart A Doorway" haunts me forever even though I hated the actual book (which ironically makes the haunting worse).

#under a cut bc i have a lot of thoughts about literary hauntings apparently! #memeses #conversations