#worst Chris in Hollywood

[deanpinterester]

saw someone fan cast sydney sweeney as jess and you know what? YEAH. that girl does horror / psychological roles where she has to scream and cry very well and hollywood doesn't freaking realize this!! until dawn would be right up her wheelhouse. no more trying to make her the new pretty everyday blonde girl. that is shrimply not who she is.

#uhhhh me #(have not seen euphoria but have seen clips of it and she is phenomenal) #(and hollywood is giving her the WORST ROLES. THEEEE WORST ROLES) #until dawn #also i know yall are attached to the game cast but i don't think they should reprise their roles #they are too old. no amount of makeup is going to fix it #and we are NOT doing young cgi face. it is too scary to look at #also not me seeing someone fan cast tom fucking holland as chris. THEY LOOK. NOTHING ALIKE.

[frank-o-meter]

Based on all the glowing articles on the web about GOTG3, you might think it’s Marvel Studio’s biggest hit. Well, that would be wrong.

The article at the link below explains that GOTG3 is actually only pulling in average box office dollars compared to the rest of Marvel’s output. GOTG3 has the weakest May opening since Thor in 2011 and it’s barely made more than Iron Man opening in 2008.

Sure, it outpacing Quantumania but all of Marvel's 2022 movies opened with higher numbers.

Chris Pratt has been hinting he’d like to make more Peter Quill… maybe he should look to Jurassic sequels instead.

#mcu #marvel studios #James Gunn #Chris Pratt #the worst Chris in Hollywood #GOTG3 #comic book movie fatigue #guardians of the galaxy 3 #boycott Warner brothers

[thinking-about-fiction]

The worst part about the Super Mario Bros movie trailer is how GOOD it looks

Because at least if it was bad, I wouldn't have been as upset about Chris Pratt being cast as Mario and not even trying with the voice.

Because the movie would have been bad anyway

BUT NO

IT LOOKS AMAZING

AND ALL THE OTHER VOICES SOUND SO GOOD

And the fact that the whole movie is going to be ruined by the fact that Hollywood made such a stupid choice for what should have been an easy decision

Because Charles Martinet has not only voiced Mario for 30 years, he's also done professional non-video-game acting for longer than that. He could have absolutely fit the Mario voice into a speaking role.

But no. He wasn't even asked.

And now we have to live with the thoughts of what might have been.

#we could have had it all #super mario bros #super mario bros movie #mario movie #chris pratt #crisp rat #charles martinet

[berzahoes]

headcanons: female jackass member

an: just some headcanons that i’ve been thinking about lately lol

I love johnny’s shirts but you would have an even better wardrobe

basically this:

you’re not afraid to kick all of the guys’ dick when they’re being assholes or just annoying

you love hanging out with johnny’s daughter if she’s on set (she’s not on set often but when she is you’re literally best friends)

you’ve probably broken an arm and a leg at the same time

you know practically everyone had beef with each other in the early 2000s?? NOT YOU or if you do want to have the whole hollywood experience then you do you <3

you definitely made some appearances on viva la bam

chris + you = besties THAT IS ALL I WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH CHRIS

you cannot go a full five minutes without cursing (me, it’s literally my vocabulary)

you know how when dave england gets drunk he’s like the worst?? you’re not that bad but when drunk dave is doing stupid shit drunk you is hyping him up

you’re always gaslighting the guys

you would shoot someone with the paintball gun (probably johnny or bam) and they would be on the ground in pain and jeff would just ask “what happened?”

you, casually with a paintball gun in your hand, shrug

“SHE SHOT ME”

“that never happened”

ok but i also love that the only female jackass member would have an obsession with dyeing her hair idk why

nvm i do bc imagine being on edge at work all day bc you think the guys are going to prank you

stress = hair dye i don’t make the rules

SPLIT HAIR OR IDK THE PROPER TERM BUT YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN

omg narcissa malfoy hair yeah <3

ok that’s all i got nothing else 😭😭

#jackass #johnny knoxville #jackass forever #dave england #preston lacy #wee man #ehren mcghehey #bam margera #ryan dunn #steve o #chris pontius #jackass imagine #jackass fanfic #jackass x reader

[dear-ao3]

well well well it’s that time of year again and by that time of year again i mean the time where my best friends birthday is tomorrow and i have no present for her

is this a big deal? no there have been many years where we haven’t gotten eachother anything cause we’re lazy but! i feel the need to do something awful. and i am also seeing her in 48 hours (for the first time since august) so… does anyone have ideas…

previous gifts that we have gotten eachother include:

-a singing card in the shape of a sushi roll that sang a birthday song from sushi rolls everywhere

-a “merry chris mas” card that had all the chrises of hollywood on it

-hedgehog salt and pepper shakers

so. pray tell people of tumblr. i have 48 hours. a rather large mall with weird stores at my disposal and about 25 dollars. give me your worst.

#not a tag #from saph #you all know that one friend that you have had forever but see 2 times a year and haven’t taken a good picture with since you were 13? #that is my best friend #worth mentioning i am baking her cake and buying her ramen but like. i’m a tumblrina we deal in cursed gifts.

[myheadphonesareneverloudenough]

LETS HOP TO IT, SMOSH FANS!

Arasha, Angela, and Chanse are lined up to be guests on the Tin Can Bros’ live comedy game show: The Great Debate!

get these three to argue with each other over crazy topics like Who’s the Best Hollywood Chris? What’s the Worst 3rd Movie in a Film Trilogy? and more!

by pledging just $3 (or more, if you so desire) we can make this show and many more happen THIS YEAR!!! help the Tin Can Bros meet their kickstarter goal, it would mean the world to them and us TCB fans <3

TINLIGHTENMENT.COM

#tcb #tinlightenment #tin can bros #smosh #smosh arasha #smosh angela #smosh chanse #arasha lalani #angela giarratana #chanse mccrary #starkid

[coltrainbat]

Hi there. I just read yes no maybe both parts, and i loved it! It was so well written. Love everything about it. Since request are open can i ask first sex for Chris and reader? When it's her first time. She has waited for the one.

Pretty Special

A/N: Happy New Year! First one of 2023 and I must say I'm very happy with it if I do say myself but feedback is always welcome. 💕☘️

WARNINGS: SMUT MINORS DNI. 8k filth, oral (f receiving), dirty talk, pain during sex, sex, orgasm, P in V

You fiddled with your hands nervously in the black car. 

Chris had generously brought you out to LA for the week, you had been talking on FaceTime and over the phone for over 2 months now. 

Making it 2 months since you’d last seen him and 2 months since you’ve had his lips on you. 

You don’t think you’ve ever been on a holiday where you did so little planning, he’d organised everything from the flight to the car, you just had to show up with your bags. 

You had landed a little after sunset and thanks to the comfy first-class seat you were well rested and just excited to meet Dodger for the first time. 

The elephant of the room sat in the back of your head, a looming force reminding you of the make-or-break situation that the future of you and Chris hanged on. You were a virgin. 

It’s not like you were lacking in offers from suitors it’s just that it was never right for you, wrong location, wrong guy, wrong underwear, too drunk, too tired, too bored. 

You had done anything else but that final threshold of having a dick inside of you was yet to be crossed, and why else would Chris spend all this money and fly you out if it wasn’t for the expectation for a little hanky panky? 

It’s not like you didn’t want the gorgeous man on top of you. That was all you could think about the last two months whenever he’d send a photo without a shirt on or if he’d send a bit of a suggestive text. God, it was all you thought about. 

But what if it turned him off? 

Taking someone’s virginity may not be a lot to some guys but what if he thought you were some inexperienced prude? 

What if didn’t want you to get really attached to your first time, but who were you kidding you were already attached.

The sex would probably just make you a sappy begging mess. That’s if he does. Worst case he tells you to get the fuck out and find your own way home. But he wouldn’t do that… 

Would he? 

“We are here ma’am.” The driver pulled you out of your train of anxious thought, parking in the driveway of a luxurious house that was definitely trying to sell itself as modest. Single story. So modest. If it wasn’t in the most expensive suburb of Hollywood and completely gated. You looked out the window to see Chris jogging out of the house towards your door. Your stomach flipped seeing him. He looked so… cool. In sweats and a T-shirt. You suddenly felt extremely overdressed in your casual dress and sandals. He was in sweatpants for God sakes! But he looked absolutely delicious and less tired than he did 2 months ago. He seemed calmer, more relaxed, and absolute overjoyed to see you. 

He opened your door “Hey pretty lady! You made it.” You got out of the car opting for a hug because at this stage your relationship was still undefined, and you didn’t want to come off too strong by planting a big fat kiss on his plump pink lips. 

“I made it!” Omg you’re an idiot. 

He pulled you in close, sneaking a whiff of your hair. 

“Was the flight, ok?” 

“It was the best flight I’ve ever been on. So much leg room!” 

“Yeah the first class seats a pretty comfortable.” 

“Thank you again it was very generous but you didn’t have to.” 

“I want you comfortable so yes I had to.” He thanked the driver pulling your bags out of the trunk. 

Taking them and wheeling them up the driveway, you inched towards your bags, but he quickly shielded them from you “Hey no I got it.” You followed him to the front door where he stopped with his hand on the doorknob. 

“Just warning you, when I open this door, you will get attacked.” 

“I’m ready” you were grinning like an idiot, excited to see the pup in the flesh 

“if he’s too much I’ll pull him off you.” 

“Please don’t.” 

“Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.” He shook his head opening the door just a crack, but it wasn’t long between Dodger wiggled his way out, immediately going to sniffing and pawing at your legs, licking every surface he saw. 

“Oh hello! Hi puppy! Hi! Hi! Hey.. how are you?” You crouched down to be met with more puppy kisses. 

“Hey hey Dodge easy I haven’t even gotten a kiss yet.” Chris pulled him lightly by the collar. You looked at him smirking as blush rose to your cheeks. 

You rose, pecking him on the cheek. “More where that came from Evans.” He chuckled, leading you into the foyer with Dodged staunchly between your legs. 

“Did you eat already?” 

“I did, food was better than I get on the ground sometimes” reminiscing on the 5-star meal you had in the air. 

“Well can I get you a drink then? I have wine, beer, spritz...” 

“Beer is fine.” 

“Geez a woman after my own heart.” 

Your bags abandoned in the foyer you followed him into the modern kitchen as he fetched two beers from the fridge, pulling off the cap with his teeth. 

“Omg you’re gonna crack your teeth!” 

“Veneers.” He grinned at you, cap between his front teeth as he spat it onto the counter. 

“No way!” 

“Yep but don’t tell anyone.” He winked at you, handing you the ice-cold drink. 

“It’s a nice night why don’t we sit outside?” You nodded, sipping your drink as you made your way outside and settled on the plush outdoor couch. 

Chris right next to you, falling with a sigh. 

“Soooo…” 

“So.” 

“There’s a guest bedroom if you’d like, has a bathroom and everything I did it up for you. But I was kind of hoping you’d sleep in my bed but if you don’t want to…” You bit your lip at the suggestion. 

“I want to it’s just-“ 

“Yeah no sorry too soon I didn’t want to pressure you or anything.” 

“No it’s not that like I want to sleep with you. Badly” his eyes lit up your statement 

“I promise I don’t bite.” 

“I wouldn’t mind if you did I’ve just… I’ve never… slept with anyone before.” 

“Oh so you have a habit of sneaking out when the deed is done… should I lock the doors then?” He chuckled, holding the bottle to his mouth.

“No Chris, I haven’t had sex… with anyone.” 

“Wow.” A silence fell over you two.

“Yeah I know it’s embarrassing.” 

“No, its not, definitely not embarrassing. I’m just kind of shocked no one has gone there before I mean… god you’re gorgeous.” 

“It’s not that they haven’t tried I’m just… picky.” 

“Would you want me to be your first time? I mean I’d be honoured but I understand if you want to save it for someone special.” 

“I think you’re pretty special.” You smirked at him. 

“Well how about we sit down here for a little and then we can go inside.” He placed his hand delicately on your thigh, rubbing it softly. 

You leaned over towards his ear “I’ve wait this long why are you gonna keep me waiting longer?” You purred. 

His ears went red, immediately jumping up and pulling you up, wrapping his arms around you “we’ll go as slow as you want.” 

“Thank you but I think I’m more than ready.” He planted a soft kiss on your lips, putting his hand on your face, inching your neck back a little to deepen the kiss.

“Come on.” He led you inside towards the bedroom door. 

Dodger behind you two “Nah-uh, Dodger stay.” Chris told him, before he had a chance to sneak in with you two. The pup wined a little, falling on his stomach. “Sorry buddy adults only.” You sulked at him. 

You sat with Chris on the edge of the bed, side by side, his hand sliding to your waist as his softly palmed the fabric of your dress. 

“So how far have you gone?” 

“Everything but.” 

“Ok great so you won’t mind if I slip this thing off.” His hands went to the edge of your dress. “You first.” You stopped his hands, eyeing him. 

He groaned, getting up and ripping off his shirt. 

This was your first time seeing him shirtless in the flesh and you couldn’t help your mouth fall agape as your eyes widened, looking at the intricate tattoos covering his chest. You were desperate to the trace them. Pulling off his sweats, revealing some basic Calvin Kleins, with a large, hard cock straining against them. 

He winked at you “Happy with your choice?” You just nodded shyly as he scooted back onto the bed next to you. 

Hands going to the hem of your dress as he pulled it over your head revealing your matching black lace set. 

“Matching? You definitely planned this.” 

You slapped his chest as he eased you back onto the pillows. 

Mouth falling to yours as he kissed you deeply, hands falling to your hips, grabbing you softly yet firmly. His mouth fell to your jaw, peppering kisses and nipping at the skin of your neck as he made his way towards your bra. 

“As pretty as this is...” he toyed with the lace edging, “Can I take it off?” He looked up at you, hands grabbing the two breasts. 

You just nodded as he smoothed his hands around your back, sitting up a little to allow him to expertly undo the clasp;

“You’ve definitely done that before.” 

“Practise makes perfect baby.” He purred against your lips going into kiss you. His tongue moved down towards your breasts, lightly sucking at the skin of your now erect nipples. You moaned, body instinctively moving into his. 

“Jesus… so perfect baby.” He left out a muffled groan while your tit sat delicately in his warm mouth. Moving towards your stomach, his movements slowed as he explored your bare skin with his fingertips, leaving a soft, wet trail of kisses towards your panties. He pressed his nose against your covered groin, inhaling your sweet scent. Licking at your inner thigh, your hands falling to his head, pushing him further giving him all the encouragement he needed to slowly pull off your panties. Mouth immediately returning to your folds as his tongue explored the insides of your oasis. Licking and sucking at your sensitive, erect clit, leaving you a moaning mess. It felt like he was between your legs for hours, making sure you were a soaking, moaning mess for him. 

“Good girl, god you taste so good baby.” Cumming onto his tongue, he continued to suck up and spit out your precious juices. 

Your hands aimlessly travelled towards his cock desperate to feel his length in your hand. 

“Nah-uh baby tonight’s about you.” He loomed over your now naked figure on his bed, drinking in the sight of you. 

“You can make up for it later.” He whispered in your ear as he sucked on your lobe. He broke the contact monetarily to finally release his now pulsating member, hard and erect with veins pulsating along the length. He was thick with a round, cut bulbous head. Your eyes widened at the sight of it in all its glory, gulping at what was soon to be your fate. 

“We’ll go slow.” He assured you, trying to ease the hesitation in your eyes. He sat over you, hands reaching towards his bedside table pulling out a bottle of lube and a condom. Slowly and delicately, he squirted the sticky liquid into his hand, rubbing it over his length in a teasing rhythmic fashion. Hands falling to your pussy, he slowly pushed a singular digit in, easing the lube in and out as you withered under his touch. Using his outer fingers to rub it on your folds, slowly adding a second finger to stretch you out;

“fuck you’re tight baby” 

“No shit I’m a virgin” you choked out through moans

 “Shit I almost forgot” he chuckled sheepishly.

Slipping in a third finger seamlessly, his other hand working your clit trying to inch you to a second orgasm. Your hand clawed at his forearm at the sheer feeling of you being stretched by his fingers. 

“Oh god Chris.” 

“Gotta make sure you’re all ready for me.” 

“Are your fingers the same size?” 

“Unfortunately… or fortunately… not.” Your head fell back to the pillow as you took in a deep breathe “I’m ready” 

“Are you sure cause we have the whole week we can-“ 

“Stop talking.” You pulled his head in for another passionately, sloppy kiss. 

“Ok ok… shhh. Now, it’s gonna sting at first, for a little bit it’ll feel better if I move,  but I’m not gonna move unless you say so and if it really fucking hurts say chocolate and I’ll stop.” You nodded at his instruction. As he positioned his now wrapped head at your core, making sure you were both overly lube up. 

He pushed his head against your tight hole, he moved inwards slightly earning a groan from you 

“Ooft” 

“You ok?” You nodded, gritting your teeth a little at his size. 

“Is it all in?” 

“That was the head baby.” 

“Fuck.” 

“Hey it’s ok I’m not gonna move until you tell me to.” You lay like that for a moment, Chris leaving soft kisses on your décolletage. 

“Move.” You told him.

He pushed in a couple of more inches, 3/4 of the way in at this point. Your body jolted at the sudden sensation of being stretched beyond belief, the sting he warned you about forming in your insides. 

“You wont believe me but look really beautiful right now.” He was staring at you in the eyes now, a small smile on his lips as he watched you bite your bottom lip, sweat forming your forehead. 

“I’m gonna kiss you while I push the rest in it’ll help distract you does that sound ok baby?” You nodded, pawing at his neck, desperate to taste him again. 

You gasped into his mouth at the final push, him now sitting tightly between your fold, stretching against your walls. 

You winced slightly at the feeling of being fully stuffed. His lips fell to the tears that you didn’t realise had fallen, kissing your cheek and tasting the salty liquid, “Hey you’re doing so well baby, you’re ok.” 

You stayed like that for a while, adjusting your insides to his length. 

“Move.” 

“You sure?” You confirmed the statement by leaning into kiss him as he started his slow short thrusts, staying firmly inside of you and only moving enough to get you adjusted to the feeling. After a couple of minutes of just that and more passionate kissing, the sting subsided, making way for a new sensation of pleasure and fullness.

“Oh wow, holy shit.” You breathed out 

“Good?” He looked up at you searching for reassurance 

“Really good.” You smiled at him, moaning again at his movements 

“Do you want me to go a little faster?” 

“Please.” You begged out, with that his thrusts turned more natural, as he moved in and out of you, hips pressing against yours as you started to adjust to the rhythm of his drive. Slowly accumulating to the feeling of hot, delicious, pleasurable sex. Chris’s pants grew as he supported himself by his forearms over you. Continuing his assault of his lips over your face and mouth. Deepening the kisses when he hit your cervix, swallowing each other’s moans you grew confident enough to move your hips upwards slightly, allowing a new angle for both of you. 

“Jesus Christ baby that feels fucking amazing.” Proud at your first foray into Sex Goddess status you continued to match his thrusts with a nudge of your hips. Your buttocks squeezing together as the coil in your stomach tightened when his head would hit your G-spot, a previously undiscovered spot of pleasure for you. You fell into a moaning mess begging for a release from what was sure to be an explosive orgasm 

“Chris, I’m gonna cum, omg please don’t stop.” You moaned loudly.

“I’m gonna cum too where you want it?” 

“Just cum in me please.” 

“Oh god Y/N” he let out a guttural moan with his final thrust into you, shooting out his cum as you creamed over his cock. 

Slowly pulling out gently, you whined at the loss of contact. He collapsed in a heap of heavy breaths beside you. Both of you now, spent from the intimate and passionate activity. He got up towards the bathroom, you heard the water running but with your eyes blurry from the orgasm still, you didn’t think you could find the strength to lift your head. Suddenly you felt the cool press of a wet rag against your heat, sopping up the mixture of your cum and lube. You opened your eyes to see him gently cleaning you up with the soft cotton towel. “That was-“ you breathed out. “Amazing.” He smirked at you. 

“Happy with your first time?” 

“As long as it’s not the last.” 

“Oh, it won’t be, but you do need to pee first… here.” Chris held out his hand, easing you up out of your euphoric state, up to your legs. Placing you gently, on the toilet seat, you sat loopy from your orgasm. Chris leaned against the sink, watching you with a smug smirk 

“A little privacy?” You looked up at you, lazily covering your chest. 

“Nope I need to make sure you pee.” 

“You’re a freak.” 

“It’s going to take a lot from you to get rid of me.��   

“Lucky I’m planning on keeping you around.” You blew him a kiss.

Chris brought you breakfast in bed the next morning, softly rubbing the sore spots you had never felt before as you ate. Ravenous after a beautiful passionate night. 

You moved to get out of bed, wanting to inspect yourself in the mirror.

“Y/N I wouldn’t try and wal-“ With the final word, your legs gave out like jelly and you plopped onto the soft carpet with a dramatic ow falling from your mouth.

“Walk.” Chris finished, coming around to help you up. 

“How did you know that was gonna happen?” You asked as he grabbed your hands, pulling you back onto the bed.

“You’re not the first.” He grumbled. 

#chris evans #chris evans imagines #chris evans one shot #chris evans imagine #chris evans fluff #chris evans fic #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans fan fiction #chris evans x reader #chris evans x you #chris evans x curvy reader #chris evans x curvy!reader #chris evans x plus size reader #chris evans x plussize!reader #chris evans x y/n #christopher robert evans #CEvans #cevansedit #chris evans x female reader #chris evans smut #chris evans x reader smut #cevans #chris evans blurb #chris evans fics #chris evans fandom #sexiest man alive #evansedit #Chris Evans #chris evans x virgin!reader

[ponett]

I have now finally seen the Mario movie. It was Pretty Good. Here are my wordy thoughts on it. (I am going to spoil the entire movie. Duh.)

In many ways, the Mario movie does what I wish the first Sonic movie had done. They just took the characters and the premise and the world from the games, and made it a straightforward animated adventure movie. It's bright and colorful and remixes things JUST enough to include fun elements from multiple games, and it doesn't make Mario get adopted by James Marsden or whatever. It even has the music!

That's all you really need, right? Right...?

I'll get this out of the way up front. Chris Pratt was fine. He's fine

If anything, it really feels like they did the movie a disservice by letting us hear so little of the Mario voice in the previews. It took one scene for Pratt to disappear into the role for me. It was totally fine. If anything, I found Charlie Day's normal voice coming out of Luigi WAY more distracting, even if I did like him in the role.

Everyone else was pretty good, for the most part. Jack Black was obviously very good as Bowser, but I'm biased. Seth Rogen does the Seth Rogen laughs as Donkey Kong, but I thought DK was fun, too. (I liked his little rivalry with Mario where he was just constantly giving him shit.) The only casting choice I truly hated was Fred Armisen as Cranky Kong. I hated every line that came out of his mouth. He sounds atrocious. Just the worst. I swear to fucking god if they do a DKC movie and we have to hear him for 90 minutes

I did think Peach was lacking, but that was on the script, not Anya Taylor-Joy's performance. It's cool to see Peach fight, but it's one of those all too common instances where the writers put so much effort into making the main girl kick ass and be an effortlessly confident girlboss that they forgot to give her an actual personality. Not that I'd point to Super Princess Peach and its mood swing superpowers as positive representation or anything, but there's a happy middle ground, surely. Shrek was 22 years ago, just having the princess do flying kung fu kicks isn't enough.

Okay. With the voices out of the way, let's talk about the big picture:

It's way better than the words "Illumination Mario movie" implied, and I mostly enjoyed my time with it. The spirit of Mario is there 100%. But I'd also describe it as "ruthlessly efficient."

This was perhaps the main complaint critics had, and they were absolutely right. People have responded to these totally average reviews with "Well, what did you expect? Shakespeare?! It's MARIO!!" Like, yes, I would prefer it if the movie I paid to see had writing that was good instead of bad. What a shocker. My issue isn't that it's not "high-brow" enough. The problem is that it feels mercenary. It feels like an editor went through and deleted almost every line of dialogue that isn't some form of exposition, at the expense of the pacing. Any scene that's not a montage or some sort of action is kept as short as they could make it, with barely any room for embellishment, character interaction, or anything other than the bare minimum word count to hit all the typical Save the Cat Hollywood screenwriting 101 story beats to the letter. There aren't even as many jokes as you might think (and the ones that are there are extremely hit or miss, including a lot of the slapstick with Mario himself).

Mario and Peach's little arc together in the front half of the film is probably the worst example of this pacing. Even having read reviews that complained about how fast Peach goes from meeting Mario (by her admission the first other human she's ever met) to deciding to train him as the new savior of the Mushroom Kingdom, I was SHOCKED at how fast it was. They don't even lampshade it.

Peach takes Mario straight into the big training sequence where he learns how to use mushrooms and jump over platforming obstacles. Peach is apparently already a hypercompetent platforming pro and a great fighter, so there's no clear reason why she's taking the time to train this random guy to be half as good as her when the world is in danger. Then they set off on their adventure, Toad joins them, and we get a VERY brief travel montage. It's about thirty seconds total - just long enough to give Peach a line about how she wants to protect this beautiful world of hers to try and give her some stakes. We get the genre-mandated nighttime campfire heart to heart, which is exactly long enough to have Mario say he misses Luigi and to have Peach give the two sentence summary of her origin story and not a second longer. Then they reach the Kongs, and their big journey is complete. (They barely interact for the rest of the movie.) So much of the movie is like this - always ready to get on to the next scene as soon as a new one starts.

I'm not criticizing the script because I expect The Super Mario Bros. Movie to be a prestige drama - although there are certainly halfhearted attempts at a dramatic arc. The stuff with Mario's family was a fun enough idea, but again, ruthless efficiency. We get one quick scene with them at the start to give Mario some pathos, because I guess Save the Cat said he's gotta have some pathos. And then Mario gets his dad's approval amidst the action of the final battle in Brooklyn to resolve his arc, just so the movie can end as quickly as possible once Bowser is defeated. (Despite now having the approval of their family and their community back in Brooklyn, Mario and Luigi move to the Mushroom Kingdom off-screen without a single word dedicated to this decision, because that's where they live in the games.)

Look. I am not comparing it to The Godfather. Don't give me that shit. I am not asking for an extra half hour to explore Mario and Luigi's childhood trauma. I am not asking for the complex inner workings of the Mushroom Kingdom monarchy. I know this is gonna be a basic Hero's Journey adventure for kids. It just feels like it's turning down so many opportunities to have a little fun with the characters, to let them interact and play off of each other, to let there be some adventure on this adventure. This is the first time we've gotten to see these characters interact with fully voiced dialogue in a very, very long time! "Yeah, it's not High Art, but it's FUN!" Stories are fun! Character interactions are fun! The script could be having so much more fun!! It is adamantly against making the Story parts of this story-driven movie any more Fun than they functionally need to be!!!

Mario, Peach, and Toad's journey to find the Kongs is shorter than the training montage that precedes it. After the opening, Bowser mostly just sits in his castle and waits for the third act to start. Luigi's there, too, but he only gets one scene with Bowser and then the movie mostly forgets he exists until the climax. He doesn't even get to try and sneak out of Bowser's castle and get up to hijinx. He's just there to be a motivation for Mario, so he sits in a cage for half the movie. It's the bare outline of a script with action scenes added in.

Aside from the fact that it's Jack Black singing as Bowser, I feel like this overly-efficient script might be part of the reason why the "Peaches" scene stands out so much. It's a moment that didn't strictly need to be there to keep the plot moving or to provide an action setpiece. It's not even a reference to another Mario thing. It's just a fun and memorable little character moment that's there for its own sake. That's what the movie needed more of. To stop and smell the roses more often. To play in the space.

To be clear, this isn't a unique problem with this movie. Critics have been noting for years that second acts are disappearing from big Hollywood movies in favor of the Act I plot setup and the Act III action, even though Act II is supposed to be where you get to explore your actual premise. And lots of animated movies give me this exact same vibe of being too "screenwriterly," or feeling like they had an executive breathing down their necks and demanding changes based on focus testing. But these common issues are why I come away mostly feeling like the movie is on the better end of "average," rather than totally blowing my mind. You have seen this movie many times before, just not with Mario in it.

And, of course, there's the music. The score by Brian Tyler based on various classic Mario and Donkey Kong tunes (frustratingly all attributed to Koji Kondo) is absolutely beautiful, but it's unfortunately frequently overshadowed by the licensed music. Everyone already complained about things like the use of Take On Me in place of a lovingly arranged DKC medley, but it feels illustrative of the tug of war the movie is caught in the middle of, between wanting to be a lavishly faithful Mario movie and wanting to be a generic tentpole animated adventure movie. Every single licensed song used is the most obvious, overused song they could have picked for the scene. It reeks of cynical executive meddling and it took me out of the movie every time.

But there really was a lot of care and love put into this movie - more than probably any other video game movie ever made, not that that's a high bar. I don't want to underplay that too much amidst all my complaints spurred by the absolutely insane response to the reviews.

Aside from the countless background references that people will be picking apart for years, touches like the Captain Toad tune playing in the background of Toad's introduction or the Mario Kart 8 menu music playing in the kart garage really help bring it to another level of authenticity. I also enjoyed seeing some more obscure Mario enemies that felt like they were picked more for being fun to animate than for being nostalgic and marketable. No matter how many times I sarcastically pointed to the screen and deadpanned "reference. reference." I am not immune to noticing these things and smiling. I am not immune to the DK Rap. These alone don't make the movie good, but it's nice to have a video game movie that feels like it was made by people who like video games.

Most importantly, the animation is great throughout. It's leaps and bounds ahead of other Illumination work, and it's the best the Mario cast has ever looked. They even made Donkey Kong handsome, somehow. They're all so squishy and expressive, and they move so fluidly - especially in the action scenes. I particularly liked the more kinetic ones like the aerial Banzai Bill chase and the Mario Kart sequence. Truly, the Mad Max-inspired car battle on Rainbow Road where Mario literally does the speedrun shortcut is this movie firing on all cylinders.

Other, more hand-to-hand fights nail the Popeye-esque vibe Mario should be going for. He's an underdog who gets the shit kicked out of him by bigger, stronger opponents until he gets his signature powerup and turns the tables on them. My favorite animation of all probably came from the use of Cat Mario to turn the tide in the DK fight. They had so much fun making Mario move like a cat. Again, it feels like a choice made because it'd be fun to animate rather than just a nostalgia move.

It's that animation and that attention to detail that carry the film, really. They elevate it from mediocrity into being a fun watch for a fan like me, albeit one I couldn't help but pick apart with Anthony as we watched it at home. I'm glad I saw it, but there's a lot of room to improve with the inevitable sequel. I hope they do. I can't deny that I had fun with the movie, but I hope next time that fun is partially because of the script instead of in spite of it.

Stray thoughts:

Overall, I would say I enjoyed the movie a lot more than Sonic 1, but probably not as much as Sonic 2. Not that these movies need to be pitted against each other.

I hated the Luma. I hated how hilarious they clearly thought the Luma was. They have the fucking Luma break the fourth wall to end the movie and start the credits. This is going to be a deep cut for fans of bad animated films, but the whole time I was just thinking of the little fish from Romeo & Juliet: Sealed With A Kiss who's just the director's kid saying random nonsense. You know I'm right

I rolled my eyes at the "our princess is in another castle" joke and several other jokes that would have been dated in a gamer webcomic 20 years ago but I guess they had to be there

How much of Brooklyn did Bowser's giant floating castle take out? We know 9/11 happened in this universe because the Freedom Tower is there, hasn't New York been through enough

I can't believe there's a Diskun easter egg

The dog is the most Illumination character design in the movie. It felt like it wandered on set from The Secret Life of Pets

Mario being a gamer and playing Kid Icarus of all things just made me remember this tweet:

Yes Anthony did get mad at me for being thirsty for Bowser

[prince-toffee]

So, I rewatched the trailer over and over again, I stepped back, organised my thoughts, and I think I get it.

So first the Bad, then the GOOD, because there's actually a lot to like here.

The Bad:

So, the trend of companies kicking actual voice actors onto the curb and replacing them with celebrities continues. I remember being really angry when they first announced the voice cast, and I still am. It's quite literally the most boring, generic casting possible. You can not get much more white bread, milk toast than a Chris and Scar - I want to play an Asian woman and trans man - jo. Also, why is Chris Hemsworth here? Do he really need the money? Did Thor 4 damage his pockets that bad? There are so many talented voice actors that could've been Orion, David Kaye is a prime example Animated Optimus and Beats Wars/Unicron Trilogy Megatron, beloved by fans, if he was announced people would've been over joyed. I love Brian Tyree Henry, and he actually has some experience with va work as he voiced Jeff Morales in Spider-Verse, my original criticism still stands.... And Kegan, oh Kegan, I love you so much, Key and Peele was my childhood, and the Toad performance was perfectly fine, endearing even. But as Bee? I'm sorry, but no, that's not BumbleBee that's just actor/comedian Kegan Michael Key, I can't hear anything else. And it doesn't help that he's handed the worst lines.

Which brings us to the comedy. First impressions are EVERYTHING. And if you fumble that that hurts your film, and the perception of your film. I think that's really the problem here, it's a bad trailer not necessarily bad content. Packing the trailer with jokes for the sake of jokes and having that samey Hollywood liscensed music cringey feel to it. Like the guitar riff that played when the 'This Fall' card came up just made me turn off the video immediately. That's why I recommend watching the trailer without sound. Bee's jokes don't really land for me, I'm sure kids with love it tho, and that's good. But I'm sure all the jokes won't be bad, the final door gag is actually really funny. So I think it was just a bad joke that soured out feel of the tone at the beginning, which is unfortunate because like I said first impressions are everything. Because this is Josh Cooly, of Up, Inside Out, Toy Story 4 fame, I'm sure the film will have an emotional core to it.

A minor thing I don't much care for is having Bee be in the same age range as Orion, in my mind he's always constructed during the war at like the half way mark or near the end, he's the little brother of the group, and now he's old enough to remember Op and Megs before the war. Also he sounds way too old.

Oh, also I don't like Orion's personality.

Good:

Now for the good; I think the animations style is gorgeous. Would have I liked something Spider-Verse/Mutant Mayhem-esk, of course, but what are you gonna do? The stand out here is the environments, a visual feast. This might already be my favourite Cybertron, it's so different yet reminisant of the Cybertron we know. The fact that the surface transformers and shifts and changes is genius, very IDW Phase 2 inspired. And the fact that Cybertron is a techno-organic hybrid world ala Beast Machines is crazy! I love that, and wildlife! I bet that's how we get the cassettes. The character models are great too, you can actually tell what emotion is happening on a person's face. Gone are the days of faces being made up of razor blades and mandibles BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT INSECTS FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY. THEY'RE PEOPLE! There's the nose, the lips, the eyes, and I can tell where one begins and ends. The eyes are gorgeous and detailed, and the face surface detail has smuges, wear, specs of dirt, metallic texture. Like, you nailed it! It's a person but a robot, you got it!

We see what we assume are the 13 Primes, Alpha Trion being the only survivor, maybe they were killed by the Quintessons and they took over. D-16, a ref to IDW and his toys designation in the toy catalogue, he'll obviously name himself after Megatronus ala TF Prime. He seems to have the Decepticon insignia before meeting The Fallen so maybe Megatronus' face is some sort of religious iconography, the Primes are a religion on Cybertron after all. It's all so fascinating, I can't remember the last time I was so excited to learn more about a new TF continuity.

Orion and D-16 are both miners and or workers, that's a refreshing take, no coptimus here. They've suffered the same way together, I bet story will be about dealing with that pain, what justice means, how far one is willing to take it and where justice stops and injustice begins. I know people are mad that the origins are a little different, but I ask you, different from what? Which continuity are you talking about? TF has never had a consistent singular timeline, and that's what I love about this franchise! It builds on itself with each new continuity! Take a bit of the old, mix it with new ideas and create something fresh, then that old guard leaves and a new team takes over and does the same and the franchise continues to evolve or should I say transform. Like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get, and new incarnations always give second chances to improve apon what came before. No Reboots, no risks means no Skybite, or Nemesis Prime, no Stasis Pods, Sparks, Protoforms, Energon ore, no Star Saber, Hot Shot, Knock Out, Airachnid, no All Spark, no Sari, no Bulkhead, no old grumpy Ratchet, none of that. Reboots are a part of this franchise's DNA. I sense the people that are complaining are the people who only value one continuity and discard all others.

It's really neat this universe's version of The Cast System is lower class worker protoforms being denied a Transformation Cog, it seems like it's reserved for the higher classes, the very thing that makes their species special and unique is denied to them. Also I didn't notice it the first time, but Alpha actually pulls the t-cogs out of the dead Primes which kind of signifies a passing of the guard, the old Primes failed, now it's your turn, and of course history repeats itself with the downfall of Megatron.

I like how Trion is covered and intertwined with moss and vines and has a beast mode, showcasing that he's of an older era now gone and forgotten.

Some other smaller stuff:

The sun looks like a holographic simulation, which makes me wonder, Cybertron doesn't usually have a sun, but there's plant life now, so what's up?

The cave that the dead Primes and Trion are in kinda looks like a Dweller.

Megatron's black helmet is a ref to Marvel G1.

That spin kick where Elita twirls her entire waist around is sooo satisfying. I love it.

AIRACHNID!!?!!!! MY QUEEN HAS RETURNED!!!!!!!

I think that's a good point to end on. So, yeah, v excited.

#transformers one #maccadam #maccadams #tf one

[silveragelovechild]

I first noticed Chris Pratt in “Wanted” (2008), a comic book movie headlined by James McAvoy. His role was small and often the butt of jokes, and he was funny. By 2014, starring in GOTG1, Pratt turned that jerk of a supporting character into a jerk of a leading man. And, a fun movie.

The next year Pratt starred in Jurassic World - essentially play the same character and it was outstaying its welcome. Then there was the double whammy of Magnificent 7 and Passengers in 2016. In M7, I got the impression that writers were pitching one-liners to him just off camera. But the worst was in Passengers, he turned that once funny guy into the creep - a stalker. (Even Jennifer Lawrence regrets making that movie.)

I lost interest in Pratt, especially when you add the fact that he dumped his first wife as soon as his career eclipsed hers, and affiliated himself with a church known for its homophobia. I have avoided seen him in any Non-MCU movie since.

Despite being called the Worst Chris in Hollywood, Pratt keeps churning out movies. I assumed I was alone in my opinion that Pratt was overrated… until I read the article at the link below (from Collider). It’s uncanny - the article’s author Douglas Laman seems to have read my mind.

Here are a few key quotes:

“(Pratt is) just portraying a vacant husk of a man whose personality’s been dialed”

“He became the forgettable straight man”

(Pratt’s) personality that was boring the first time gets no more interesting the second go-around”

“Pratt never lends a sense of authenticity to the role”

(Regarding his Mario voice) “wishy-washy accent Pratt aims for a Brooklyn sound, but mostly just sounds like it came from Minnesota.”

#chris pratt is a pratt #Star lord #mcu #GOTG3 #Jurassic world #wishy washy #boring #worst Chris in Hollywood #homophobia #collider

[icedsodapop]

In hindsight, it's fucking infuriating thinking about Hollywood celebrities' hypocritical reactions towards Will Smith and Johnny Depp.

Will Smith bitch-slapping Chris Rock after the Rock made that disrespectful joke towards Jada Pinkett Smith's physical appearance. Hollywood celebrities immediately start condemning Smith's actions as a display of "toxic masculinity".

But Johnny Depp can smash his way around his kitchen, and talk about wanting to drown or burn Amber Heard and "fuck her burnt corpse". Has a long reported history of physical violence prior to his marriage to Amber Heard that consisted of: trashing hotel rooms, throwing wine bottles at an ex-girlfriend, physically assaulting a film crew member; along with calling the mother of his children a "cunt", and also being friends with known domestic abuser and predator Marilyn Manson. And its cricket chirps from Hollywood celebrities at best, tacit support of Depp at worst.

Like, for fucks sake, why isn't Judd Apatow angrily tweeting about how Johnny Depp could have killed Amber Heard, like when he did after the Oscars Slap Fiasco???

EDIT: TERFS/RADFEMS DO NOT INTERACT!!

#anti johnny depp #performative activism

[frank-o-meter]

If only Hollywood’s Best Chris had starred in this franchise, I’d go see this. But alas the one-trick-pony and Hollywood’s Worse Chris is the lead. So I’ll have to skip this one.

#Hollywood’s Worst Chris #One Trick Pony #Chris Pratt #Chris Evans #Ad Naseum #Jurassic

[wellabridgemeprincess]

Other than the obvious Chris Pratt and Tom Holland, who would be the absolute worst casting choice for Link in a Universal Zelda film?

Who would make you go HOLLYWOOD DOES NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THIS GAME?

Please try to go for plausible Hollywood blunders and not meme answers

#legend of zelda #loz #loz tears of the kingdom #loz totk

[lopez-richter-fangirl]

We’re talking about The Great Debate Live today, a live comedy game show Tin Can Bros are hoping to do in LA and maybe other cities! If you want to see people debating the important topics like “worst first date idea”,“worst muppet”, and “best way to haunt your enemies from beyond the grave”, back the Tinlightenment kickstarter

Sometimes people bring their expertise (Lauren citing her own then-recent wedding as the reason she was an expert on “worst wedding song”)

Sometimes people bring something unexpected (Corey putting forward “James Marsden” for “best Hollywood Chris”)

And sometimes people say something utterly unexpected (Brian throwing out “sensory deprivation tank” compared to actual first date ideas like seeing a movie or doing an escape room)

If you want to see an example of the format, check out the recent great debate livestream on the Tin Can Bros YouTube channel or tune in live next Thursday for another one with new guests!

#tin can bros #tin can brothers #tinlightenment #great debate #probably gonna queue some posts today cause i’m busy

[evansblues]

If she still chooses to be with this man knowing Alba and her racism and her group, I side eye her also and then she can’t be all that you say, because she wouldn’t be with him if she was. This is just the step he took that he can’t come back from. I don’t see why she would want to do that to herself. ///

I’m not copying and pasting that whole book but this is why celebs will never be with a “fan”, yes this situation is messy but it’s Hollywood and if FS becomes famous it’ll be like Alba who? This mess seems like a huge shitshow to various fans and they can imagine Chris counting back, but guess what worse and crazier things have happened. I’m old school, we saw drama and mess from the 80s/90s and it’s a thing of the past.

This shitshow isn’t even over and you’ve just basically said “Chris is done, it’s a wrap”

How old are you anon? Worst mess has been cleaned up publicly. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Life moves on, I hate when people kick others when their down even if they are down because of their own stupidity.

But the reality is We don’t even know the entirety of this situation and FS is not even in the picture yet and you’re judging her already?!

FS will have to have very thick skin for sure.

Chris could hit rock bottom and go through and transformation and boom they meet, you don’t know people’s journey, but I guess it’s easier to judge when it’s not you.

You know how many Hollywood scandals and marriages the public has witnessed over the years, only for not many to remember years later.

George Clooney was married decades ago but when you hear about his wife the only woman that pops up is who…..Amal Clooney!

If FS chooses to be with a man she actually knows to her core vs you not knowing said man and presently judging him based on how this current mess is being presented, you’re going to “side eye” her……... okay.

This situation is very easy to bounce back from publicly, PR and crisis teams are hired for a reason. I’d suggest you go google Hollywood scandals from the past and then come back and let us know if this this as bad as you originally think.

Chris will need someone who isn’t going to jump ship so easily when shit goes down and also someone to put him in his place, but he definitely doesn’t need anyone who gives up on him so easily, be mad at this mess and him all you want, but to say it’s not fixable or he can’t be redeemed when you know nothing and are just a bystander……sheesh.

I’m sure Chris will tell FS everything and she’ll be a good judge of character.

It’s funny people are claiming Chris must be racist due to Alba yet in twenty plus years not one time has anyone accused him of being racist, damn he must be good at covering his ass. 😂

Sorry for the rant, I don’t like people judging while not understanding they don’t have every exact detail to even judge.

Ugh, humans. 🙄

I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s seen worse shit. It’s odd to me the way people talk about this in context. There are wars in this world, children are going hungry, I’m about to read Britney’s book and I know it’s going to be some bs that happened to her. I have perspective on this, yeah it’s sad he’s not acting like who we thought he was, but that’s it. It’s just some messy PR. Even if he is racist, call him out and don’t watch his stuff. He’ll be fine on the other end.

[myheadphonesareneverloudenough]

pinning this one to my profile for the next two weeks.

The Tin Can Bros need your help as they embark on the Tinlightenment World Tour: Spreading the Gospel of TCB which includes 7 holy missions, aka 7 days exciting live events in LA, New York, London, Edinburgh, and Adelaide

Spy Another Day: in LA, original cast members of the TCB and Talkfine comedy musical, Spies Are Forever, will be reuniting (along with new special guests, many you know and love from Starkid) for a Rocky Horror Picture Show-esque live concert screening! Watch the full movie with audience participation and live musical numbers!

Spy Another Day, in London: that’s right, baby! Spies Are Forever live concert screening is coming to London, too! Featuring brothers Joey, Brian, and Corey, along with Lauren Lopez!

The Solve-It Squad Returns: at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, the original cast of TCB’s comedy play, The Solve-It Squad Returns!, will be back together once again to do the first ever live TCB event outside of America!

This Could Be On Broadway: the original comedy musical starring Bryce Charles, Esther Fallick, James Tolbert, and many more is coming back baby! live at 54 Below in New York City, the cast will be performing all the songs for the first time ever in front of a live audience.

Gross Prophets: An all-new original TCB musical about cults, enlightenment, financial and spiritual freedom! starring Joey Richter, Brian Rosenthal, and Lauren Lopez, with performances happening in Australia and LA!

Intelligent Life: the Tin Can Bros have a new queer sci-fi comedy show, Intelligent Life, and will be doing a live reading of the pilot episode in LA, summer 2024. following two ex-boyfriends, one who can’t get away from his ex, even after leaving Earth to explore a new planet!

The Great Debate: who is the best Hollywood Chris? what is the worst 3rd movie in a film trilogy? who is the worst muppet? what’s something that feels like a cult, but isn’t? so many questions to ask, so many opinions to debate! The Great Debate is a live comedy game show where the Tin Can Bros and special guests argue seriously unimportant topics with the kind of passion of a serious life-or-death debate. things get heated, friendships are ended, and one person will always come out on top… with so many amazing guests! TCB have already announced three special guests on The Great Debate; Smosh’s very own Angela Giarratana, Chanse McCrary, and Arasha Lalani!

but none of these projects can happen without your help! until March 2nd, the Tin Can Bros’ kickstarter is in full swing!! we’re working our way to their goal of $200,000!

all TCB asks of you is to pledge $3, and to share this campaign with your friends! this is how we can make it happen!

have more than $3 to give? amazing!! there are 12 backer tiers of varying prices that can get you some INCREDIBLE rewards like merch, custom t shirts, collectables, and a BelieverBand that will allow you to unlock incredible backer perks in the very near future of TCB

interested? go to tinlightenment.com to check out these reward tiers!

we’re over 50% funded, friends <3 we can do this.

TINLIGHTENMENT.COM

#tin can bros #tcb #tinlightenment #tin can brothers #kickstarter #joey richter #brian rosenthal #corey lubowich #lauren lopez #starkid #spies are forever #solve it squad #this could be on broadway #smosh #musicals #comedy #angela giarratana #arasha lalani #chanse mccrary #mariah rose faith #joe walker #james tolbert #bryce charles #team starkid