#wonderful… just fucking wonderful 🙃🙃🙃

[gamora-borealis]

here's the thing. to outsiders it may seem like we're excited because "phan is real!!" or whatever. but they don't know... it's not about that. phan has been real this entire time. there's always been evidence that dan and phil were together, more or less (more evidence than I think some people realize). the reason phan™ is such a big deal is because two silly gay boys met online in 2009, but their fame quickly outgrew their comfort zone and they quickly went back in the closet. dan was so traumatized from being bullied in school that he had a public meltdown on tumblr in 2012 insisting he was straight after some very private stuff leaked (that he insisted was a unused prank). after going to therapy and meeting so many queer fans on tour, dan slowly began to hint again that he was queer. but it still took them until 2019 to officially come out! and like. dan essentially confirmed that yes all the public online flirting back in 2009/2010 between him and phil was very real and that they were "more than just romantic" at that point and were currently "real best friends, life companions, and soulmates." but that was it, they weren't going to share any more. which is perfectly fine, but some of that definitely had to do with dan wanting to explore himself outside of the Dan and Phil™ brand (which unfortunately he got fucked over by the pandemic and by YouTube in the process). however they did eventually make a very cute announcement that they had bought and designed a new house together. and bit by bit they started making some more coupley jokes about each other here and there and sharing glimpses of a bedroom with both of their stuff in it, though it was still fairly subdued. but then dan finally got to go do his solo comedy tour and when he came back, shit suddenly CHANGED. 2023 was wild. they brought back their joint gaming channel they hadn't touched in five years since just before they came out. and they basically started the public flirting again??? this time on camera??? maybe not as direct as the 2009 stuff at first but. it's definitely been building up close to it. and then Dan finally releases his comedy special for free on YouTube. Phil writes a gushy tweet about it. and dan just replies with 🧡. ...except for within a larger birthday tweet in 2023, dan had not used a heart emoji for phil since like... 2010??? and then suddenly he screenshots this interaction and POSTS IT ON HIS YOUTUBE COMMUNITY TAB with the caption "gay" and a link to his special. like. this isn't about confirmation... the people who have been saying that they probably aren't together or that you shouldn't think or wonder if they are were like, the twitter morality police, ex-phannies, and generally clueless people. tumblr phannies clearly have known that they've been gay for each other for the past 15 years. but this whole "gay 🧡" incident is the first time Dan Howell has very publicly said something like this about his relationship while being "unapologetically gay" as a very public figure (there's been some magazine interviews that technically have come close but, nothing as direct as this). like that is so fucking huge??? that he and phil are finally comfortable enough online, on YouTube, and in life, to go there!!! as we are now approaching fifteen years of them together too!!! like, it's so nice to get to celebrate such a happy queer relationship and expression of queer joy. and dan has hinted that bigger stuff is coming too... like. yeah phan is real I guess 🙃

#phan #dan and phil #dnp #i was feeling some feelings.

[since64bce]

Hell Within Hell

Alastor-Radio Demon- x Sinner reader

Synopsis: Alastor has inhibited hell for years. He knows it's ins' and outs'. But when it comes to him, his coppery heart, and an unexpected new-found perspective on his assistant, a new hell is created for him as he tries to wrestle with the shiny new concept of love. Just a few short pieces of writing and some head cannons'. Nothin' fancy.

Word count: Don't know. Warnings: Alastor.

By gosh what a tragedy. What a wonderful, terrible tragedy. What a questionable, concerning tragedy. How lovely it is. How problematic. Did Shakespeare end up in hell for all the souls he stole in the theatre? I pray for him if that was ever the case. And not because his soul wandered into eternal damnation. Oh no, there's a fate much worse than that, and his name is Alastor.

When the heart becomes stale it also becomes a waste of space, a space that could be used for more lung capacity instead. Because of this reason, Alastor often had thoughts of compulsively ripping it right out, especially, strangely, and more so now that it was finally of use. If Shakespeare really was in hell, Alastor wanted to kill him. If he was a bug, he'd place the man beneath Nifty's blade. And if he was in Heaven- which would be unwarranted given all the hearts he's crushed- Alastor would find a way to drag him down into Hell to watch his tragic little heart suffer for eternity. Because it's his texts in which Alastor has stumbled upon. And it's from his texts in which Alastor has learnt about love and all it has to offer.

Alastor is a refrained lover, if you could call the demon a lover at all. At best he's okay at love, if thats what you wanted to call whatever the thing Alastor thinks "love" is.

Being an overlord, you'd think he was capable of anything.

Uhh lower your expectations sis.

Problem No.1 with Alastor (which was really hard to find) is that he's not really the lovey dovey type. Does he get passionate about certain things? Of course darling. But when was the last time it was about a lowly sinner like yourself? (Hear the crickets babe? Yea pretty much that).

However I feel like this is true only for a few years after he's met you.

I'd say it's a "You-fell-first-(but then lowkey realised it ain't never happening type thing so you stopped)-he-fell-harder-(and got confused so didn't pursue it for like six fuxking months)

Being an overlord you'd think he was capable of anything but in all honestly love confuses this sweet🍬, sweet🍭, neurotic👹 boy.

His heart is in tatters and moth eaten like some dusty old drape. Nobody's ever come into his life that mattered to him much before.

And when I say "mattered" it doesn't come under the "slightly useful to him but couldn't care less" umbrella either.

Like it's a genuine feeling of not wishing for somebody to just fucking up and leave his demonic little world.

It's as if you're just so convenient for him to be able to slot you into his crazy, batshit puzzle of a life. And you fit so perfectly and meticulously, and you make it look rather complete, that he just doesn't really feel he needs you gone.🙂🙃

And thats his very lopsided version of love that he hasn't created a full understanding around yet. But hopefully will... one day.💕

Why would someone like him like someone like you!?? 🤯😧

Oh please bitch Alastor in Alastor's world is a special, clever little princess, nobody can top him.

When he first laid eyes on you, you were just another darling sack of shit staying at the Hazbin sorry not sorry. (Boo me idc this is how your love story goes 😤)

You weren't special at all. In fact, to him you were just a normal bad sinner doing the normal bad sinner things. There was nothing alluring about you, there was not a single aura or attractive quirk or special little something on the inside nor the outside that made him love you. You were like a crusty little stray dog, period. Not even a cute one.

In fact not even your death story was cool you got like hit by a bus or something idfc but it was nothin striking babes

You weren't even that bad of a sinner tbh. You were just a lying cheating fu k that got hit by a bus before you could find Jesus and repent

Anyways then you have Radio Demon, Overlord, Mr.Alastor who can do funny shit with his shadows oh dear lord save me

So as I said before, you, my dear, had a little crush for him first. Or, more realistically, you caught the love bug. Because don't we all know how little Nifty loves her bugs (dead).

Yes, you hiccupped on your blushy, fluffy feelings because trying to find genuine love and care within Ali's cold little heart at the time would've been damn near impossible. Like being stuck in a maze within a maze within a stone wall that had no exit.

So, yes dear, a hard pill to swallow ik but you got there in the end .

Over the years following, you and Alastor became a nice little duo. Like an elegant doberman and it's small rat-dog companion (guess which ones which).

Everybody in the Hazbin hotel has their own little niche, whether it be porn-starring or bar tending.

Yours was running errands for Alastor.

In his eyes you were comparable to an assistant even though the title was never officially yours. And he didn't want it to be yours because the role of facilities manager was a one person job.

Besides you did other things than just hotel errands.

You were more like an assistant Alastor. And that suited the both of you just fine. To Alastor you were remarkably useful, to you Alastor was an interesting boss and a form of strange company you somehow enjoyed. His presence, albeit staticky, was charming. He was a hard one to shake off, that man.

And then he began noticing you. And not just in the general way. I mean thats how it all starts off doesn't it?

It starts with a moment.

His boring "normie" of a companion... charmed him in some way. He didn't know how.

It was after one of his avid radio broadcasts when he switched off the set and just sat there in the silent darkness illuminated by the controls. Not even his voice filled the air, which was a strange noise to behold. Oddly peaceful, huh.

And then it got him thinking about your voice and how it could come and disrupt his blissful, peaceful silence at any moment. Pestering him with something new, as the very un-special sound of it filled the room.

You did like to disrupt things.

You've had your fair share of moments you've disrupted.

With your normal voice.

Filling the room.

It got his cogs spinning as he thought about you so normal and dull and boring. But it seemed that he really did know quite a lot about you.

You were never a drug addict in the middle world, never any kind of addict, never any kind of slave to anything or anybody but the lies you told others. Admirable achievement in this crowd down here.

But still, what a boring Mary Sue.

Typical Mary Sue behaviour that you should also try and recover from your compulsive lying, and actually bother to make use of the facilities the Hazbin Hotel had to offer.

Charming. But petty.

Just today he had asked you about an errand you'd run, only to find out that you had lied about running it.

You were supposed to have given some bird food to the cuckoo in the cuckoo clock. It was a fools errand he had given you to make you go away for a second. But you had told him you had actually done it.

Until you admitted you lied.

Inside the broadcast tower, Alastor let out a quiet laugh. He didn't know why it was quiet, he was the only person in the tower, and even if he were with other people its not like he'd care.

But what was so funny?

He thought back to the conversation: "I don't know what you're talking about," you had told him. "I never fed the stupid clock." And then he said, "Oh dear, well thats quite contrary to what I was told before." And you said, "damnit" under your breath and walked away, annoyed at yourself for having broken your sobriety, going to go repent to Charlie for the fifth time that day.

Again, Al found himself smiling ever wider and trying to keep his steady flow of chuckles beneath his fingers. Soon he was hunched over, finding other stories about you drifting to his head.

Unbeknownst to him, the layer of ice on his heart was slowly beginning to melt in the section that he reserved for you.

He realised you were such a funny fickle little thing, he realised he was quite fond of you as his assistant. It made no sense. And after the laughter was over something else took over.

A sense of something between fiery anger and grief contaminated his pores. He realised he had let you into his heart. He tried to quickly freeze it over again, however, it was too late, it seemed you had already brushed its surface.

The next day when you two were busying yourselves with errands, you came across each other in a hallway.

There was something off about his face on this particular day. Because when you looked at his face which was watching over your face, you never found his signature smile. For once you saw his lips relaxed. For once you saw his elusive eyes really looking at you like nobodies ever looked at you before.

And then he walked right past like nothing happened. However something had happened. Something incredibly unexpected and wrong. Radio Demon, Overlord, Mr. Alastor had found someone who mattered.

Boring, normie, lacklustre, lukewarm, little. Old. You.

It's a quiet day at the Hazbin Hotel. But it's always a quiet day isn't it? Hell is rock bottom, and once you hit rock bottom, well, what's the point in not wandering around for a bit?

You were only here because Charlie picked you up before the Sinners mentality could reach you.

At the same time, you were also only here because of Alastor.

Alastor, the lean, lanky overlord which you couldn't help but like somewhat. Cold and calculating despite the warm colours he wore. charming and pleasant despite his scary appeal. He was one reason why you enjoyed your stay at the Hazbin Hotel.

But he was also one reason why you hated it.

Lately anyway.

You've tried to bring it up with him but he simply won't listen. He doesn't even laugh anymore he just grimaces. It's been two whole months since he last smiled at you and you feel as though your beginning to get withdrawals- as sappy as that sounds. But it's true. As funny as it is to say, hell seems less pleasant, and even the Hazbin, despite Miss Morningstar's lovely presence, is falling short of joy and dunking deeper into the gloomy reality that is damnation.

They say that reality is just your perception. However, why has your perception been so fragmented by just a absence of a single smile?

Oh but you knew didn't you? You still loved him.

You thought you were past it but you weren't. You're such a brilliant liar that you can even trick yourself into believing things that aren't true. How remarkable. How depressing.

Ugh.

He's probably finally gotten bored of you. In fact, you've probably bored him into some kind of chronic depression that triggers every time he see's your boring, depressing face. Double ugh. And now you can't stand to look in the mirror. Sometimes you lay awake at night wondering what you've done to him and if it's you that's broken his perfect smile or something else. But everything he does points at you, and with this ridiculous jacket of blame on your shoulders you don't know how to look in his eyes anymore without feeling humiliated.

Oh and now he's behind you, watching you sit beneath the stupid cuckoo clock with a pile of birdseed in your palm. Humiliating? No something worse than that. You must look ridiculous. Desperate. Ridiculously desperate.

'Well, I feel it's too late now don't you? That ridiculous lie is still a lie, also the bird isn't real if you didn't get the memo,' taunted the inevitably superficial voice of the radio host. You could feel him behind you but you couldn't see him. The mans presence was very strong, a quirk, perhaps, that came with being an overlord. Although at times you could hardly tell when he'd enter a room at all. 'Now, why are you sitting, staring at the wall like a dummy? Did dear Charlie put you in time out for being a liar?'

'Fuck you, Alastor,' you huffed, 'you know I'm working on it.'

'Not making much progress I see.'

You could hear his non-smile in his voice. You didn't even turn around, you didn't have to, plus, you didn't want to.

'After you're finished working out your lying problem, perhaps you should focus on your swearing problem,' he said. You could hear the ruffling of Al's suit as he presumably crouched down, and then the cold lick of his breath as he got close to your ear. 'It's not so classy, my dear, for someone like you to have such a foul mouth.'

'Fuck- I know- just fuck off!'

You heard Alastor tut behind you, sighing disapprovingly.

You turned and looked him in the eyes. They looked bemused, however, his mouth told you a different story. He looked slightly chilling without that smile of his. Perhaps that was another reason for your sleeping troubles lately. 'Go ahead and do it you creep, kill me, I know ya wanna,' you declared, he cocked his head to the side, terrifyingly interested in your proposition. You had to resist the urge to swallow. 'Also now I've seen you without a smile I think I've seen it all, kill me I'm ready.'

You were half joking, but you still watched Alastor out of the corner of your eye, a habit you had developed.

'No.'

'That's not like you, Alastor.'

'What can I say? I am a man of many surprises. And you're far too valuable to me to kill you, assistant.' He added the last part in slowly, watching you like a hawk.

And then you saw it.

The faintest glimmer of tooth.

The littlest crease beside his lip.

And did he just call you valuable? A compliment from Alastor? Kill me now, you thought, it wasn't gonna get much better than this. And then Alastor's distinct vocals piped up again, 'ha ha! You look dumbfounded, sweetheart. Is there something I can help you with?'

His smile disappeared. And so did that feeling of hope in your stomach, leaving you empty again, and so you said, 'what do you even want Alastor? why'd you come find me? You're just toying with me now.'

'I'm afraid I toy with everyone, assistant.'

You felt him watching you as you crossed the room and put the birdseed in the bin, you felt him watching you as you dusted off your hands and made your way to the door.

'Smile,' you ordered. One final attempt.

Once again he cocked his head, raising his eyebrows, no expression in the mouth and whatever expression was in the eyes seemed to be told in another language. 'And what do I get if I do that for you?'

'My smile.'

-

Alastor has been a mess lately.

A clean mess no doubt. But he's been walking around half naked for months, alas, he can't bring himself to smile, which was more like a piece for clothing for him now more than anything. It got to the point where the Radio Demon thought that it had finally lost it's sincerity and emotion. But clearly not, as it's absence has been due to nothing but sincerity and emotion, two things which Alastor had never really exercised. Two things which were out of his hands.

And it's been ever since he found you wandering the hellish plains of his mind.

Yes, he was the skeleton in the closet, the monster beneath the bed, the not-your-typical-spooky-guy. But maybe he's finally found a weakness, and that thought slapped his smile right off his face.

And his assistant was all to blame.

You were all to blame.

He found his hands shaking as he looked at you, he carefully analysed that angry look about you as you stood rigidly at the door. There was nothing threatening about you, your face wasn't scary like his was, however he found himself mildly irritated by your defiances' today, mildly saddened at your obvious depression, and mildly livid that he couldn't get you off his mind.

So no, he wasn't threatened, you just mildly made him want to pull his hair out.

'Smile.'

'And what do I get if I do that for you?'

'My smile.'

Your smile? And what was that supposed to mean? Was he supposed to rip your mouth off and take your smile for his own? He looked at you, he looked at your lips, imagined touching them, imagining slicing them off you as your blood spilled and you screamed. And then he found himself putting the thought down, finding that he didn't really want that thought. How strange. Your smile wouldn't suit his face anyway, it looks much sweeter on you.

'If you smile at me I'll smile at you back,' you clarified, still with that rather hostile look in your eyes. You didn't really look in the smiling mood darling.

But it gave Alastor pause for thought.

Oh. So that's what you meant. Interesting. An equal exchange.

Al brought the memory of your smile up in his mind. It was pleasant enough. Charming enough... Oh who was he kidding? Sometimes he wished you could tell him the lies he told himself so he'd believe them better.

Your smile. It was sweet and dainty and lovely, and there was not a night that had passed in which he hadn't thought about it in some fleeting way.

Squeezing, hurting, reaching. He wanted to rip his heart out right then and there as he looked at you glaring at him from the doorframe.

And that's when he walked right up to you without warning. You barely had time to back away. And he took in your wonderful face with all of your wonderful features, from the lovely curve of your nose, to the shape of your very skull, to the fat of your cheeks to the pigment of your skin (which had turned wonderfully rosy beneath his fingers).

And then he took in your smile.

And he realised he was smiling too.

And he was so angry with himself, and irritated at you for making him feel this way. And so he leaned in and carefully placed his lips onto the corner of your mouth. Wanting to do it again and again and again but worried that he could smudge away the perfection that was you.

In the end he just grinned at you.

...

And then walked away like nothing happened.

...

A/N- Ik the tiny one shot at the end is shit but it's like 1 am and I have school tomorrow, I've watched like 4 episodes and I don't even know who tf Lucifer is yet so don't even come at me bitchens 🖕🥷

#hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor the radio demon #alastor x gn!reader #gender neutral reader #x reader #vivienne medrano #radio demon x you #radio demon x reader #hazbin hotel x you #hazbin hotel x reader #alastor oneshot #alastor headcanons #radio demon

[galariangengar]

💭

#wonderful… just fucking wonderful 🙃🙃🙃 #remember a few days ago when I said that one school sent a financial aid offer?… #well they fucking denied me…. AGAIN!!! #what was the fucking point of sending me a financial aid offer if you’re just gonna fucking reject me again bitch?!?!?! #sorry I don’t having like a fucking 5.0 gpa and like 100 different extracurricular activities & shit #but I know my shit when it comes to medical stuff and nursing shit and whatnot!!! it’s what I’ve been working on since high school!!!!! #I know my shit and I can/will work my fucking ass off and know how to deal with patients #there’s so many nurses and people out there that deadass don’t deserve to work in this field or in it for the wrong reasons #I’ll never forget seeing this one video of nurses in the labor/delivery unit talking about shit they hate with their patients #its fucking disgusting to see nurses like this publicly and almost proudly talk shit and even discuss private cases on like tiktok #HHHHHH ok I’ll shut up now cuz I’m trying not to cry and have another mental breakdown about this #idk how I’m gonna tell my dad ‘hey I got rejected AGAIN and I’m scared you’re gonna yell at me/be disappointed again 🙃’ #I know me and him already talked about this kinda stuff and have a plan and another school in mind I can apply to but… #just fucking once in my adult life CAN SOMETHING FUCKING GOOD HAPPEN TO ME????? #will be deleting this later like maybe sometime tonight or tomorrow #jazz uses curse! 💜

[gideongrovel]

What if,,,,, what if I wanted to,,, No- I shant say it,,,, not yet,,,,, but uuuuuuuuuh- my thoughts are in a tizzy

#being vague because i need to chill the fuck out for a moment and my feelings 🙃 #y'all are wonderful enablers and while I love that (/gen) if I verbalize these thoughts in any form y'all will just encourage it #instead of talking sense into me 😂 which is what i need now instead..... i need to be yelled at to stop lmao #my heart is bursting #ahhhhh #my post

[byanyan]

ㅤhalf dressed and still half in pajamas, they're currently zoning out over a cup of coffee.

#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ic status ⋮ fighting a fight i'll win anyway. #( open to mutuals. ) #just woke up and it's already A Day 🙃 #for the second day in a row 🙃🙃 #actually it's just been a fucking Week so far what am I even saying lmao #u bet I'm gonna pass some of that on to byan (: #they zoned out so fast they accidentally put too much cream in. in case u were wondering.

[moe-broey]

Him.................

#fire emblem #aughh..... i gotta finish the last book. 🙃 #it's like really good. think i stopped after the iconic 'i killed him and now i'm gonna kill you' alfonse moment #and that really tender and sweet moment right after w sharena. #i feel like sometimes i get so deeply attached to something that i just have to freeze it in time. #preserve it in amber. ect ect #also i'm still refusing to accept bruno's death. yeah my man has been surrounded by death flags since day one. #but like bro i feel like this counts as cruel and unusual punishment for a gacha character. like. #was introduced as like a Main Character but has never been a playable unit base form has been absent from the story for years #has One (1) playable appearance in an alt and now he's fucking kilt. after what was it again??? five fukcing years??????? my man. #i'm really bummed askr dies so shortly after being introduced too like. bro.... you are the god of askr....... #there was. so much. that could have been explored. maybe. idk. all this is second hand. he's also just warm and friendly and hot. huge L. #but yeah i fucking get it this is War The Game people Will Die. could bruno at very least have survived tho. escape the narrative a bit. #i was also just really scared of any. developments. but i heard from my sister it's fine and vero has really nice character growth #(i am so against alf/vero as a romantic pair it's UNREAL and i think i'd have to kill if they were endgame. sorry. except not really.) #but yeah new book!!!!! yippee!!!!!!!! i do miss him........... i wonder if summoner will be present for this one. #fe alfonse

[spookylilbimbo]

Just killing time and sipping iced coffee instead off getting ready for work ☕️😩

#really not feeling it today #i thought it was a jordan day but its an eric day #fuck this #and i didn't even get the 12-7 with mike tomorrow #so wack #like i do like closing wirh jordan on Saturdays but working the mid with mike is so nice!! #like im out early enough tht him and i get to watch a movie after work lmao #wondering how much longer we can keep this shit a secret before everyone (not just jordan) knows #🙃🙃🙃 #just work rants #liquor store things

[running-in-the-dark]

a few days ago (no, actually it's been weeks now), I wanted to make some cute pattern weights for sewing - I had a pack of washers and had planned to crochet something to put them in. I decided slices of fruit would be nice and not too difficult. I've got a lot of yarn that I use when I make amigurumi, so I figured I'd have enough colours to make it work.

except they weren't exactly right. so then I ordered more yarn.

then it got here, and I decided I needed to reorganise all of it again because now it wouldn't fit in the small box I had been using. so I bought a few new boxes.

but just putting the yarn in there wouldn't be that convenient when I'm looking for a particular colour. so I printed the colour chart, laminated it, and spent two nights cutting strands of each yarn that I own and glueing them on there.

then it bothered me that some of the yarn was still in the skeins it comes in, while I had wound most of it with my yarn winder. so of course I then had to do the rest as well.

now they were looking nice and neat! except only the old ones were labeled, and not in a way that was practical for finding anything. so I bought more stuff and spent several days making nice labels that I can clip on top, and remove easily when I need to.

so I've now spent several weeks and a bunch more money... and don't have a single finished pattern weight. when I could have just bought some. or you know. used the damn washers as they were. 😭

and when I was done with everything. instead of actually starting to crochet what I had wanted. I found a scarf I started knitting maybe 2-3 years ago and decided it needs to be finished now.

and even if I do manage to ever make the damn things. the actual point was to start using my new sewing machine!! I'm not even close to doing that!

and. AND. what I NEED to be doing. is writing my fucking bachelor thesis!!!

#like. I wonder why I get nothing done and how I manage to waste so much time #I guess it should be obvious 😭 #this isn't funny to me either. I mean. maybe a little. but it genuinely feels like such a burden #it's like once I get an idea like that I just can't make myself stop until it's done and PERFECT #it drives me crazy 😭 #at least I did make a couple pattern weights before all of this. to figure out the pattern. so. I guess at least whenever I get around to #properly making them I'll already have that 🙃 #I genuinely hate myself when this happens #I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself #I'm throwing away any chance I have of ever having a job #because. I can't. make myself. write this stupid fucking thing. #personal #posts about my thesis

[applecherry108]

I’ve been wounded by a tiktok. Well, I’ve had wound reopened but a tiktok.

Basically, a critique of a family prank video in which a husband pretends he’s destroyed his wife’s possessions, but not really. And the critique boils down to “Your panic and distress should never be the punchline to any joke or prank ever.”

When I was in college, my first year, pokemon soul silver came out. And I loved that game. I spent over 100 hours on it the first month alone and was deeply attached to my team.

I found out the following year, that one guy in the friend group had been planning, colluding with my other friends, to get a reset copy of the game and switch it out with my copy so I’d think all my data had been erased.

The entire friend group knew.

And only a single one of them stopped and said “hey, that’s fucked up actually.”

So this guy didn’t go through with it.

And I found out about his plan, while I was dating him my second year. At the dinner table. With the rest of the friend group. Who admitted that yeah, that almost happened and they were just going to go along with it.

I was fucking shocked and devastated just hearing what almost happened. This was over 10 years ago and I’m still traumatized by the thought of it.

What I hate most though, was that even after hearing this fucked up plan that would’ve fully sent me into a meltdown during finals week, I still kept dating that guy for nearly a year. I still kept all those friends who would’ve betrayed me throughout the rest of college.

And maybe part of me wishes they had gone through with it, just so I could’ve cut all those assholes out of my life way sooner, because that guy was still abusive and cruel. He didn’t change. My friends were still heartless and careless with me, and none of them even attempted to keep in touch after graduation.

My distress is not a fucking punchline, and the fact that every single friend I had in college except one was complicit in making it the punchline, is a scar that I don’t think will ever heal.

#that shithead purposefully upset me repeatedly and it wasn’t even until after I dumped him that his ex clarified #that he gets off to upsetting his girlfriends. like. #had I known I was autistic a decade ago… #I made the mistake of keep giving everyone the benefit of the doubt bc surely no one is that cruel. surely my FRIENDS aren’t that terrible. #but they are. they were. and at 32 my mom still recounts how basically every friend I’ve ever had has treated me terribly despite me bending #over backwards for them. #it’s no wonder I spend so much time online. ever since like 2004 probably. #the only nice people I’ve known have all been online bc shocker! #we’re all queer and neurodivergent and it’s infinitely easier for us to communicate through writing than talking #shithead McFuckFace apparently said a lot of fucked up shit about me before and while we were dating. #that the rest of our friends just. never bothered to tell me about. #anyways. I’ve been angry and overstimulated all day and now I have a horrible headache #love being retraumatized over and over by the same fuc #fucking things. 🙃 definitely makes my current situation so much easier. 🙃🙃 #definitely does not make me wanna yeetus deletus myself from fucking existence. 🙃🙃🙃 #and I just gave my cats their flea meds so I can’t snuggle with them fuckkkkk my emotional support kittens why u gotta have fleassss 😭😭😭 #apple talks #to the tune of spam

[lecliss]

I bet my neighborhood's property value is lower than average for my area from all the military practice bombing violently shaking the houses like once a week

#only just thought about this cuz the house just now shook harder than it ever has before #and i thought one of my uncles was the angriest hes ever been in his life and just slammed the front door #but no. its the fucking practice bombing #for the first time in my life it actually pissed me off #i know its kinda expected when you live in a military area. but like. there has to be line right? #personal #actually. i wonder if the houses around here were built to handle the shaking #cuz id be worried about old wood getting fucked up from that and then suddenly your house collapses #cuz the fucking us military loves to practice their routine for bombing tiny villages full of civilians on a tuesday morning 🙃

[owen-not-carvour]

YALLLLLLLL i am so excited for my mail over the next month or so BECAUSE !!!

i ordered self-ish vinyl like a week ago…

and today i managed to get in case i make it vinyl.

AGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i’m fully just like JDH64$:);72HD!?!;!:HAKSJHD in my head right now-

#as i was ordering self-ish i thought. man i wonder when icimi will be out bc i Swore i heard it’d be soon. #maybe it was just this one instead then lol/j 🙃 #BUT NOW ILL GET THOSE TWO A N D I HAVE TNA?????? #i just hope i’m At Home when they come in bc the weather is currently Hot As Fuck x12 so. i’m rlly scared they’ll get messed up #i have only been like Seriously listening to ww for like 3 months What The Fuck- #he’s just that good ig :) #will wood

[aeide-thea]

anyway this morning i’m thinking abt how this space is deeply necessary for me AND also deeply triggering sometimes, lol

#like the thing where people will just. Not Engage with posts of yrs they disapprove of #bc i guess we’re all too tired and traumatized for patient dialogue but don’t wanna fight #but it’s just like. exactly my mother’s brand of communication by non-communication and it makes me crazy lol #🙃🙃🙃 #like increasingly i’m like. we gotta talk stuff out or we don’t have real relationships #but also frankly i suck at talking to ppl at this point bc *i’m* so traumatized #like at least three people that i can remember have made really friendly nice overtures this summer #and i was just like ‘404 person not found’ #so. idk. not sure what the solution here is. just delineating problems lol #metatumbling #guess this is what the kids call ‘having a personality disorder’: it’s trauma turtles all the way down! #tbh trauma always sounds like a really grandiose claim but like. what else do you call it #when you get parented in a way that warps the whole foundation of yr self and ability to relate to people #which are like. the fundamental building blocks of a life #like no fucking wonder i’m so fucking stunted lmao #ANYWAY. sry for the midday nightblogging lol

[siroofington]

FUCK MEEEE im already submitting assigments just before midnight i do not like this class

#online classes do NOT fucking work with my motivation #day 5000000 of wondering if i have adhd or just never learned good time management skills 🙃

[saintedbythestorm]

Love reading my medical journal and seeing all the lies in there ❤️

#no miss dentist you did not ask me any of those health questions nor did you give me any advice what so ever wtf is this #the best one is the doctor that was supposed to do a bloodtest for another doctor but somehow couldn't keep my story straight for the life #of her #somehow a school worker had asked for that bloodtest... riiiight that sounds totally correct. 🙄 #and without even having my full list of symptoms or any real consulting with me slapped a diagnosis on me anyway. #or the suspiciously missing years of trying to figure out my period pains... you know the endometriosis?? #no sign of all the pills they tested on me and didn't tell me the risks of. mhm wonder why those are missing... #one of them had a high risk of heart disease so that's fun. made huge news back in the day. shit didn't even help me. #but i can see medical records from ages ago and dentist stuff from 2003... k.. #i hate the medical system so fucking much 🙃 honestly the trust is so fucking low I'm highfiving satan at this point. #ranting in the tags cause this bitch be feeling defeated rn ok. #and i have to deal with these bitches again for a medicine renewal... #soon I'll just deal with the 2 hour trip to the big hospital instead... at least they've always been good when I've been there. #i mean... they be the ones who figured out my endometriosis in 15 minutes ffs. #and who helped me - no bullshit - when renewing or changing doses etc. #rant #ryder speaking

[whorenerdking]

boy oh boy do I love random anxiety attacks that hit me full force at 4:30 in the god damn morning

#telling me all about how I’m not good enough for anyone #and that I’m just a disappointment #that I’m stupid and ugly and that anyone would take just one look at me and fuck off because I’m not worth it #playing my trigger word over and over and over and over and over in my head until I can’t hear anything but that word #making me wonder why I never threw away those razors even though I told everyone I did #fuck #ignore me I’ll be fine in a few hours #I’m just tired and sad and lonely what else is new #not that it fucking matters anyway #tired sad lonely and absolutely terrified #of what? #well #🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 #HMMM

[pinkfey]

this covid test and i are staring each other in the eye rn

#it’s negative thankfully #my brother brought it into the house (shocker 🤩) and it’s a wonderful thing i hate his guts and go out of my way to avoid him 24/7 #my mom is definitely going to test positive bc of her weak immune system plus the fact that she dotes over him all the time. they’re besties #right now they’re just like. walking around the whole fucking house like nothing is happening #and have even opened my door to talk. literally what the fuck. #so i locked it because they aren’t respecting that boundary at all #my dad is out of town rn so that’s a blessing #my brother hasn’t been wearing a mask in his phlebotomy class and he’s also the most unhygienic person i’ve ever met and i’m really pissed #at him. but of course i can’t express this because then i’ll be the bitch 🙃 #but. yeah i’m not surprised it’s him out of all of us. he doesn’t even wash his hands in the bathroom. #i just hate that like. he really doesn’t give a single shit about our immunocompromised parents and never fucking has huh #unless he can spin it into his own personal sob story #i hate it here #anyways.txt