#with this fucking pandemic and my fucking depression

[savage-rhi]

Magggennnttaaaa!

#before the pandemic i sold a lot of original paintings and such at conventions and shows in my area #well some locals at a gathering today kindly informed me someone has been selling copies of my plague doctor piece #and some of my mini prints and presenting them as their own same with stickers #its not only ai we gotta worry about now even the damn locals are doing this shit #i got a show in may coming around the corner and I'm thinking i might not even sell paintings and stuff anymore if this is going to happen #im a creator that loves collaboration and thinks art should be free to enjoy #if this person approached and asked if they could sell my work i wouldn't give a fuck personally provided they give me credit and or a link #back to my stuff hell if people want to print my work if they cant afford it go for it #but fuck dude you don't just claim you did all that work as if it was yours #this was disheartening news #and several other local artists found out too at this venue that their work had been turned into stickers that vendors bought off amazon #ill hop off the soap box in a minute #still scrambling to get kofi stuff set and donation links prepared #thanks for your patience everyone #im getting out of a depressive funk too with what happened at my work place #and im gonna be speaking with a legal aid rep next week #magenta is my safe word for venting

[pictureday2005]

trunk or treat. trick or treating days before the actual holiday. spirit halloween opening in early september. christmas decorations being on shelves at the same time as halloween.

no fucking wonder kids are so disillusioned with all of this and live in their phones. nothing is special anymore. whats the point of even having holidays like this when nobody even celebrates them on the holiday anymore???

#crayon on envelope #i already hate christmas #i waited all week for the stuff on webkinz but it still didnt feel like halloween #nobody carved pumpkins #nobody decorated #its so fucking depressing to see #and yea post pandemic shit but like they were still celebrating holidays on the actual dates when world war 2 ended bro #I DONT THINK THATS THE ISSUE HERE #my friend ryan and i went trick or treating last year and people were like #annoyed #like he was amost 20 i just turned 23 and his friend who was our handler was 21 i think #handler as in fursuit handler #we all look like teenagers and two of us had fursuit heads on #they werent annoyed in the 'adults trick or treating' way #they were annoyed bc the whole ass town had just celebrated it on the 30th #like???? bruh #whats the fucking point anymore

[chaoticvictorianspirit]

Actually, I like codependency in fiction. Let people love each other exactly in the way they long for and need. Just because they are capable of functioning seperately doesn't mean they have to when all they want to do is spend their days together and share the tiny blip of existence they have left with one another. And I'm sorry but I'm tired of screenwriters pretending that learning to be miserable on your own is somehow a superior story arch as well as a moral virtue somehow. Maybe you want realism in your fiction but I for one want my comfort characters to morph into a singular entity. I want to treat them the way I did gummy bears as a child and just leave them out in the sun until they melt together into one solid block of sweetness. Reality is already depressing enough. Friendships end. Love fades. Life gets in the way and seperates people who aren't ready for their journey together to be over yet. Loved ones leave us all the time and sometimes there's no good explanation and it's unfair and painful and too often there's nothing you can do about it. And sometimes the one person you wish you could talk about it with the most is the one that's leaving and it fucking sucks. [And I get that this is precisely why we need these themes in fiction to confront these feeling and cope with them in a setting removed from reality but that's not what this post is about damn it.] I just wish this weren't the only angle we got. I wish we also got the "easy" happy endings, the unrealistic friendships, the kind of closeness that isn't portrayed as weighing you down but rather lifting you up. I wish fairytales weren't only for children and I wish adults didn't take such pride in forgetting they were children once, too. Can't we at least have the nice things in our little made up worlds?

TL;DR: Girls should get to have their little escapist delusions. As a treat.

#was this prompted by a fucking buddy comedy show about two guys bitching at each other over zoom? well #staged finale really poked some Painful places #not saying the episode itself should go differently btw it fit the show and the pandemic setting very well #like it was actually an amazing piece of writing and performance and the ending was symbolic and bittersweet and very true to many people's #actual experience at the end of the pandemic. it was glorious and good. but I'm also depressed about it. and this is my post to cope so... #I'm just very emotional at the moment and Sayning Things. don't expect me to fully Mean them too. #there's a much bigger narrative and a more nuanced take here but I don't feel like writing it atm. this post is about found families and #platonic soulmates and life partners in fiction getting to stay together and about not being forced to move on when the people involved #don't want to move on and don't need to move on. this post is about comfort and that's enough. please don't expect me to be eloquent today #staged #found family #platonic soulmates #and yes this is also very much about stranger things okay I am not rid of my other demons yet

[omarfor-orchestra]

.

#the fact that i framed my degree certificate and asked my father to hang it like one month ago and he never did #so now i put it on the kitchen table and asked him again and he still won't #instead he uses it as a sort of tray and it's full of papers and letters #once again confirming to me that A) he doesn't value it and my journey at all #B) believes I'm stupid like every time we talk just because it took me 4.5 years to graduate and have two more years to go #as if I weren't in the middle of a pandemic still depressed and trying to study engineering after a liceo linguistico #which yes it's a good reason for the delay but whatever #i don't have a job yet because i still need to study and you knew it before i started so like??? what do you want from me #oh and the hanging the frame thing. you'd think he was too busy to do it #he's retired. it's been two years. he doesn't want to do anything that doesn't involve a couch or a television #and I'm fucking exhausted #mom's still not feeling good the kid's still here basically everyday and who's got to take care of everything? me #and when I don't on principle i feel guilty and bad because no one is ever gonna tell him anything #sorry #rant

[kraviolis]

if i had to guess, i’d estimate that only about 1/3 of all the fanfiction i’ve written has been posted.

#krav talks #i have posted 2 star wars fanfics that equal about 20k-28k words altogether iirc #but i estimate myself to have written probably like. 80k words worth of star wars fanfic #also i have like 200k words worth of gravity falls fics ive never posted #and 25k worth of steven universe fics #and you dont even wanna KNOW how much ive written for half life/hlvrai and never finished. #i was fucking insane in 2020. i was riding a high that im forever trying to recreate #a lil 18 year old freshly dropped out of high school right before the pandemic hit so i never had to do zoom school #i had just stopped going to therapy but at the same times just started taking adhd meds that actually worked after 2 years of duds #sometimes i wonder if i have bipolar disorder just because that whole entire era of my life could be classified as a manic episode #maybe i just hibernate in the winters actually. bcus consistently every single summer for the past 4-5 years have felt similarly #oh my god wait. no im dumb i just have seasonal depression. #i cant believe i was thinking that feeling good and motivated and happy and being full of life was mania

[weenhands]

ummmm...venting *sigh*

#okay so uhhhh #i was doing dishes #and yesterday i kinda told myself i wanna give up trying to be happier again #or at all #because its making my brain go absolutely fucking insane trying to understand why. Im like this at least for ghe past 6 years #i kinda realized today first off im not sad. im not. rlly depressed or anything but ofc sometimes but in General No i am not sad. #i am just. here. and not in an empty way (but ofc i have my episodes sometimes) #i am vibing. #so like im fine right. but i ask myself after i go thru a massive mental cycle of questioning whats going on in my life #“my life is so. empty why is it so empty im bored its quiet nothing is happening”.... #and yeah nothing is happening and. its not sometbing wrong im doing. im not focusing too much on this. im not living life wrong. #its not a routine or a way of life i need to adapt #i think i just had a sudden realization that my life is just so quiet #these past few years have been so quiet and its cuz of me going thru this transitional period and also going from hs to uni #highschool in general i had so many friends and lots of classes. i had robin 2 minutes away. now shes 1 hour away #uni i dont talk to anyone. i hsve like one class per day. workload is harder and i have no friends and worse social anxiety #im also coming back from thr pandemic #so not only is it because of massive changes in everyday life that cause my life to be more. silent #but its also that alot of the stuff i was going thru snd fixating on since grade 11 #stripped me of my hobbies and everyday pleasures #my favorite youtubers and writing poetry everyday. fuck i used to draw so often #the movies and tv shows id watch. everything all of that is gone because i was. Tending to this one extremely sad and heartbreaking goal #which i dnt wanna discuss #butnim glad its over now. #so now im left in this new period of my lifr where im an adult and life is more empty and less.....On the run. and i lost everything #outside of me that made me happy #so maybe i do go thru depressive episodes and stuff but in a general sense. these r why my life is rhe way that it is i thought i was doing #something wrong for so long but im not #i used to wake up at 6am everyday. now i wake up later most days... #i think i just need to ask myself. do i lean into this silence or change it. Whatever.

[pepprs]

life would be so much better if i wasn’t so absolutely fucking depleted and exhausted all the time lol

#or afraid of getting covid #purrs #like life is passing me by i think. i am very small and i have nothing to say. i cannot sustain all the ways im being stretched. i am #not capable of deep thoughts or lifechanging insights or rocking chair conversations or warm eyes. i will not be getting my learners permit #when i said i would because im just too fucking tired. i will proceed to spend the week sleeping until 1pm and playing video games all day a #and barely moving at all and letting life live me instead of living it myself. i just do not have any energy at all ever. i don’t even have #spoons at this point i have like.. metal scraps. CONSTANTLY. the mortifying ordeal of knowing i am wasting my life and not living to the #fullest or making a meaningful contribution to the world or creating magic and love and change in relationships with other people and the mo #mortifying ordeal of no longer having the bandwith / strength / wherewithal to care much less do anything about it 😍😍😍 #like omg. i have never gotten covid and god fucking willing i never will but the psychological damage this pandemic has had on meeeeee. the #fact that we haven’t taken like a solid week as a society to process it all. the fact that i am socially mentally emotionally stunted in #ways i will never recover from no matter how hard i try. gotta love it 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 #delete later #<- it’s not just bc of covid obviously bc everything at home and at work is in massive transition and i do not do well w instability. i #would like at least one area of my life to be stable please. i don’t think that’s such a big as #*ask lol #im just depressed bc im tired and this week has been insane and my dyshydr*sis is flaring up HORRIBLY rn but also the overwhelming excruciat #excruciating awareness that i am a nothing girl living a nothing life and i did that to myself as a survival mechanism except survijlving = #scraping myself along the ground in every fathomable area of my life. awesome

[jckeperalta]

girls when they're gonna be unemployed again

#I QUIT MY PREVIOUS JOB FOR THIS #im scared im am genuinely scared #last time it was the very beginning of the pandemic so it was somehow justified bc everything was closed and it was hard #still i was sooooo depressed #but now????? i will most likely end up unaliving myself #bc there's no plan b there's no nothing. it's so fucking hard to find a job #but it shouldn't be since i have a degree in fucking law #im so scared i want to cry #delete

[leofrith]

ok but what if i were to go back to schoo--[GUNSHOT]

#like i shouldnt but i should but i want to but i dont #like i realized half way through my journalism degree that this kind if sucks and i dont want to do it #and what i actually wanted to be writing was fiction #meanwhile i was having every creative writing bone in my body beaten out of me by hard news reporting #then the pandemic hits like three months after graduation and now i have no experience in my field whatsoever nor do i have any references #cause i spent the entire second half of my degree in such deep depression that most of my professors almost certainly think im a deadbeat #but anyway go back to school bro i swear it will be better and different this time bro it wont be a waste of time and money bro #this fucking sucks university is a fucking sham employment is a sham having to network as a fucking depressed introvert is hell #ky posts text

[mediawhorefics]

hello marie, hope ur okay! so, there’s this girl on Wattpad who’s claiming that she finally got your permission to translate tts, is that true or… she’s just lying ?!

https://www.wattpad.com/1318890612

why can't these people just leave me alone?

#in case y'all were wondering this is a big part of why i don't write hl anymore #i know it's not fair to the majority of people who are so lovely and encouraging and respectful and supportive #but this kind of disrespectful shit started in the early pandemic when i was really depressed and uninspired and i was started to feel less #interested in 1d cos nothing was happening #and i can't even begin to tell you how it felt... to already feel so low in personal life and then to see the way my work was treated...... #it really changed my relationship to this fandom. in bad ways. #and ik im prob. gonna get some anon saying im annoying for complaining/that theyre glad im gone or whatever mean shit i always get when im #being honest about what it felt like to be a creative person in this fandom #but whatever this is my blog and some of the people who steal others' stories should know how it feels #and it feels like shit #about me #i have like... a message from that person from like... last friday ?? asking permission #and i didnt reply cos i simply did not see it #cos i dont open wattpad #unless someone sends me a link to a stolen copy of my fic #idk when they started posting maybe they did ask first #but still #its written in my ao3 profile #its written in the tts author's note #its fucking written on my twt profile #i dont know how much clearler i can make myself #idk maybe im a bad person their message says theres a revolution in iran and thats why i should say yes... idk

[rosethehatwrites]

guess who just became the first person in her family line to get a college degree?

#its me #i truly do not give a shit about college education #but i do hope that i started a trend for my own kids #one of them wants to be a nasa scientist and work in the JPL #but i did it #at 32 years old with two young kids after fighting cancer and an accident that left me with both temporary and long term disabilities #with adhd and depression and working a full time job and getting two kids through a pandemic and getting myself through a pandemic #i fucking did this

[pebblezone]

🫡🏳️‍⚧️

#talkingcore #‘quarantine didn’t affect people’s mental health’ explain this 🤨🤨🤨 #actually nah he was fine then he hadn’t been hit with ace attorney twas just in acnh world #I wonder if someone’s looked at the rate of anti depressants prescribed before the pandemic compared to during #to be fair like all the girlies on my mom’s side are epic like me but I think it’d be interesting to look at #need to put stocks into jellycat they’re like plush calico critters they do something Marvelous to my head #Lottie bunny tartan my beloved it’s so fucking cute they got everything #the fucking dogs with the sweaters…. the snails with the scarves….. I don’t even think I want it for myself I just need to share the wealth #praying my group project goes alright so unless I don’t post this til after I shall hopefully not be Dead or Miserable #me and r have beef I don’t understand you girl and this project is so tedious for no good reason #just let me do my silly little stats and charts and move on #i looooove charts i should find something in hellsing to make useless charts about what is there to tally hmmmmm #calculating screen time seems too complicated… I could do pages that would be easier maybe but then does it count if they’re out of frame #I shall reflect on that. maybe. maybe not. still in the midst of The Beach Boys I got side tracked cause talking about smile is intimidating

[corvidcall]

uh oh i did it again! (longingly looked at course requirements for interesting degrees from the university near me even though i cant imagine ill ever be able to afford to go back to school for a bachelors degree)

#anime life #even if i did go back to school #i would probably try to get a degree in something that would get me a job #(probably accounting or actuarial science) #(im pretty good at math and i love spreadsheets) #but like. what i love is history and literature #and religious studies. and foreign languages #but i cant imagine i would be able to find any work in any of those fields #and i dont think id be good at teaching #and im not good at articulating myself or coming up with ideas for. Anything. #so i dont think id be cut out for academia or TESL #whenever i get really depressed about it im like. fuck it im becoming a nun #(im not. i dont think theyd appreciate the fact that ive got Genders and im mostly an atheist) #(who just really likes the aesthetics and trappings of Catholicism as well as its tie to my irish heritage) #what a world we live in. i cant afford to quit my job that doesnt pay me that well #and i cant afford to go back to school to get the thing that would maybe get me a better paying job #and even if i could i cant even be sure that i wont just end up at this exact same job i have right now #fuck. remember when i had dreams. remember when i had ambitions #remember pre pandemic when i had a career i was proud of #what a fucking joke #anyway #sorry about this post! its bad. #and kind of pathetic #ill complain about other weirder things in a minute im sure #OH for people who dont know the corv lore: i have an associates degree in sign language interpreting #but i cant do it anymore bc of the way things spiraled at the beginning of the pandemic #and also i fucking hated being self employed

[hunkydorkling]

Oh Dolly, it's getting worse again, and I feel the intense need to blog it out:

Two of my coworkers are thinking of leaving, and while I do want to sound supportive of their resignations, I can't help feel Bucketloads of Anxiety for the work they'll be leaving behind. (For context, there are three of us in the Creatives Team, and so many events are happening in the second half of the year. Once they leave, I'll be piled up with all their responsibilities.)

I feel extremely unmotivated to do this article writing gig my friend recommended to me sometime back in December. On most days I just want to relax and enjoy my own time outside of work, but I also find myself in need of money to accommodate my expenses. I've been doing poorly at keeping consistency and only managed to churn out a total of three articles for the past six months, and I'm not usually like this. I tend to do a great job at the gigs I get.

Lately my head has been hurting. Given the current climate has fluctuated so badly these past few days, I recently checked my blood pressure which is above normal so I'm told, and I'm pretty sure it's from my sedentary lifestyle. I want to work out but I find myself using that time in the morning to rest in. I suspect hypertension, but I don't want to get it this early. Thinking of doing something doesn't translate to doing.

Referencing to Bullet One, I wanna quit my job too, but I haven't made the 1 year mark yet. I don't think I can afford leaving so early too because I've got one ongoing event and one upcoming event in its planning stages that I can't just up and leave them hanging. I have plans of pursuing art and education-related jobs that will let me have my own time, hopefully.

#i'm afraid to say this but i'm sacrificing a few of the things i've been doing for the past year in fandoms #i need to recalibrate a few bits and bobs of my life not necessarily chaotic #but it's getting there #still gonna make art wherever i can #write here and there maybe #but until these priorities in life get settled i'm gonna leave #i'm depressed at the state my life is in right now as with the work i'm doing and my overall performance everywhere #not just as an artist even but as a human #i met up with some friends i haven't seen since the pandemic and it just made me deeply sad when i had alone time #there's great money in the work i'm doing now but it comes at the price of not only my mental health but in my physical health as well #i have to spend less money too. save the fuck up corny #personal #i just... can't cry it out yet because i'm so tired #and possibly not hydrated enough? #perhaps #past years * but I've been severely hyperfixated last year so... Tgat #That *