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all-things-skam · 5 years

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Hey! I love your writing, so I thought I’d send you an idea with the prompts 69 and 30 :-) how about something set after the fight where both of them are sulking and (obviously) missing each other. Edoardo goes out to get drunk with his boys as a distraction and ends up calling ele in the middle of the night and she picks him up?

Incantava angst please! Edoardo regretting that he offered up the breakup and Eleonora wishing she had said something. Skam Italia’s silence over Easter break is killing me 😭

30. ‘‘I don’t feel well…’‘

69. ‘‘You’re drunk. The night’s over.’‘

Title: Drunken pillowtalk

Ship: Skam Italia | Eleonora Sava and Edoardo Incanti (Incantava)

After tossing and turning for over an hour and half in her bed, Eleonora came to the conclusion that sleep wouldn’t come easy tonight. She even tried a relaxing herbal tea that would hopefully help her find sleep but, the camomile didn’t do much to her case.

She let her mom believe that she had napped during the afternoon and that it was the reason she couldn’t sleep but, deep down, Eleonora knew what was keeping her up but she didn’t want to think nor talk about it. It’s not like she could talk to anyone anyway.

The weight of she and Edoardo’s fight - and breakup - earlier today felt heavy in Eleonora’s head and chest. She had replayed the scene over and over in her head so many times since she got home and, every single time, a new feeling bloomed, going from anger to regret.

After much thinking, she still stood by her moral, thinking that violence wasn’t the right way to solve problems. Breaking a chair on someone’s back too violent for her taste, she couldn’t have someone like that in her life. Even if Edoardo was defending her friends.

She regretted bringing up Edoardo’s family. Eleonora knew that this family was a touchy subject, something he verbally told her he wasn’t ready to open up about yet, she went and used that against him, hurting him where she knew he would hurt. It was vile.

In moments like this, Eleonora wished she was close to her mom. She wished they had this kind of relation where they were each other’s best friend and would tell each other everything but, sadly, the woman whom she called Mama was too caught up in her work life to care about her daughter’s personal life. Although she liked to remind her kids that she loved them but the brunette doubted her mother would listen to her if she were to tell her about her boys problems.

With a sigh, Eleonora picked up her phone, going over the groupchat’s chat once again.

Silvia: Girls! Do you think Edoardo will be at Marco’s party tonight?

Sana: Here she goes again…

Silvia: Does any of you knows?!

Siliva: Or, should I put a sexy dress on just in case?

Fede: Guess packing will have to wait! Party time🎉🎉

Fede: Wear the gold one. You know, the ones that makes your boobs look amazing

Silvia: Yes, Fede!! I think Edoardo will like this one

Eva: Your boobs are going to jump at his face, of course he’ll like it 😂

Silvia: Eva!

Sana: Well, she’s not wrong

Eva: You coming, Ele?

Eleonora: Sorry. I can’t. My mom is here for Easter weekend and I want to spend time with her

She felt bad for lying to the girls but, it’s not like she could tell them the truth. Well, she could but, what would be the point? It was over between her and Edoardo. The revelation of their secret relationship would only cause drama in their group and probably hurt Silvia. Some things were better left unsaid.

Feeling the guilt fill her stomach, she put her phone on her nightstand and pressed her head into her pillow, wishing for sleep to take her.

Eleonora didn’t separate from the device long because the screen lit up, creating a cast of light through her dark room. She reached for it and saw Edoardo’s name on her screen. Eyebrows furrowed, she took the call.

“It’s almost midnight, Edoardo, why are you calling me?” She scoffed. “Don’t you have a party to attend?”

“I shouldn’t have said that… Why did you break up with me, Ele?” His voice was unusual, much slower and slurred.

“I didn’t breakup with you, you did,” she reminded him. He was the one who said she wasn’t obligated to stay with him. He gave her an out. She never replied.

“I miss you, Ele.”

Eleonora bit down her lip, closing her eyes. She missed him too but she wouldn’t admit it. It was difficult for her to admit her feelings and lower her guard to someone…just like it was difficult for her to admit and recognize her wrongs.

“It’s late, Edoardo. I-I’m gonna hang up now.”

“No! No, please don’t leave me, Ele. I need you in my life. It was a mistake to leave you, Ele. A huge mistake and I-” She heard a rustling followed by a thud, as if something had fell. “Fuck.”

Eleonora sat up in her bed. Wait. Was he…drunk? Of course he was, it was Friday night. Something didn’t feel right though. Out of all the time Eleonora saw him at parties, she couldn’t recall ever seeing him drunk or even tipsy. She had seen him drink a beer or two at parties but Edo was always the most sober of the house. Something must be really wrong if he had drunk himself into this state.

“Edoardo? Edoardo, where are you?” she asked, suddenly growing worried.

“At Chico’s. C-can you come here? Please, I don’t feel well…”

Slipping on a random sweater and jeans, Eleonora grabbed a jacket along with a pair of boots and went over to Chicco Rodi’s house. Lucky for Edoardo, she had gone to his house in the past and knew where he lived.

The party was still in full swing when she got there. Someone offered her a drink but she ignored him and moved past him, searching for a familiar head or dark curls. Not seeing Edoardo anywhere on the first floor, she messaged him, asking where he was and followed his directions, pushing open the door of the room where he took Silvia too the first time she met him.

She felt wrong going in this room, as if she was giving in and giving up her morals for someone who didn’t deserve her heart. She felt like she was penetrating in a place she shouldn’t be going.

“Edoardo?”

There he was, sitting on the cream colored armchair, a glass of what seemed to be strong liquor, whiskey or rhum. He looked like a mess, the first two buttons of his dark shirt were unbuttoned, probably feeling sweaty from the alcohol he had drank.

As his name left her lips, he looked up, his glassy eyes meeting her clear green ones. “You came,” he stated, sounding surprised to see her.

“I was worried about you.”

“You? Worried about me?” He scoffed, shaking his head. “Since when do you worry about me? Last time we spoke, you cared more about pacifism than me.” Edoardo balanced the drink in his hand, watching the amber colored liquid swish in the glass.

Eleonora sat on the edge of the bed right in front of him. He couldn’t be more wrong. Pacifism was important to her and stood by her reasoning that conflicts shouldn’t be solved with violence but, so was Edoardo’s safety.

“That’s not true. Why do you think I’m here tonight? Why do you think I walked all the way to your friend’s house in the middle of the night after you drunk called me if I don’t care about you? I do care about you, Edoardo Incanti…more than I should…more than I let myself think I do.”

He chuckled in response, taking a gulp of liquor.

Annoyed by his behavior, Eleonora stood and took the glass from him, deciding it was enough for the night. “You’ve had enough. You’re drunk. The night’s over.”

Eleonora was pleasantly surprised when Edoardo didn’t protest, letting her take the glass from him. She was even more surprised when he silently sat into the cab with her and let her take him home.

The drive to Edoardo’s seemed to have helped him sober up. Or, maybe he wasn’t that drunk.

“Are you staying for the night?” Edoardo asked as they entered his bedroom. He doubted she would stay but, it didn’t hurt to ask.

“I don’t know. It depends.”

He furrowed his eyebrows. “On what?”

Eleonora stayed quiet, having a look at the decoration in Edoardo’s bedroom, frowning at that weird lamp with a guitar as body in the corner. “I don’t know. Are you going to yell at me again?”

Edoardo drew an intake of breath and sighed, taking a seat on the bed, feeling a bit dizzy from the liquor. “Okay. I shouldn’t have yelled at you this afternoon. But, I don’t retire what I said.” He looked up, searching for Ele’s eyes. “You don’t listen to what I say, ever. You hear me but you don’t listen to me. It’s like your opinion is the only one that’s right but, in life, you’re gonna have to accept that you can’t always be right. You’re not perfect, Eleonora. And me either. The human nature is flawed.”

Bitting into her bottom lip, Eleonora casted her gaze down. She hated for her flaws to be pointed but, Edoardo was right. She was stubborn and always wanted to be right. The way she scolded Edoardo regarding the fight and his violent behavior sounded like her moral judgement was above everybody else.

“You make me feel like whatever I do, I’m never going to be good enough for you.”

Before meeting Eleonora, Edoardo had never felt inferior to someone, he had never felt like he wasn’t good enough for someone. He had always been this confident, good looking guy who could get everything he wanted by flashing his charming smile and showing off his body.

Except with Eleonora, she wasn’t phased by it, she was indifferent to his charm. Or, that’s what she wanted him to believe. It took a lot of work from Edoardo to pierce her shell and get her to fall for him.

He shared with her part of him no one knew about and, the second she found herself being kicked off of her pedestral, she used his words against him, hurting him in a way only she knew.

He was visibly hurt by Eleonora saying he was always playing the victim and using his family to blame his behavior. She didn’t know half of what he went through with his family.

“I’ll admit that using a chair as defense weapon was wrong but, when I saw Fede on the ground, being held down and punched but one of those Giochi Square guys, begging for my help, I took what was available without thinking and helped by best friend. If I recall, last year, you didn’t hesitate to deffend Eva when Fede’s girlfriend came for her. I heard some rumors that people had to hold you back from jumping at her throat.”

Ele stiffled a laugh. “You’re exagerating. I wouldn’t have jumped at her throat, that’s a bit extreme.” She sat on the bed with him, about to make apologies of her own. “I’m sorry for what I said to you. I was wrong to bring your father and brother into this and say you were playing the victim. I said this to hurt you, because I knew it was going to hurt you.”

She kept her eyes on the comforter, unable to look at Edoardo in the eyes after being so hurtful to him. Sensing the guilt in her behavior, he reached out and intertwined their fingers together, silently accepting her apologies.

“Now, if you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna crash.”

After the liquor he drank, it wasn’t surprising that he was feeling sleepy. Edoardo stood and removed his clothes, slipping underneath the covers.

Just as he thought Eleonora was going to say goodnight and leave but, she didn’t. Eyebrows pulled together, he watched her taking off her jacket and standing up to unbutton her jeans.

“What are you doing?”

She gave him a small smile. “I’m staying.”

She got under the sheets with him, her cold feet brushing his bare leg, something she couldn’t have done the last time she had slept here.

A smile tugged at the older boy’s lips, followed by an amused chuckle. “Should I set up a pillow barrier or are we good for tonight? Oh! Do you need my jacket?’

Eleonora swatted him with a pillow, causing Edoardo to laugh.

#edoardo incanti #incantava #incantava fic #incantava prompt #edoardo x eleonora #eleonora sava #skam italia fic #skam italia #skamit

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elizabethrobertajones · 6 years

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I remember once reading a post about how destiel pov is usually only on one character while the other looks disinterested and this is kind of the feeling I'm getting from s13 too Dean is all about Cas and mourning Cas and TFW and Cas is all "k. Bye". :/ im getting kinda uncomfortable since 12x19 with Dean crawling after Cas begging him to to choose them and Cas continuing to not do that (part of why I hoped Cas was brainwashed and not intentionally leaving Dean)

I hope that wasn’t my post because it was a little more complex than “one feels one way and the other looks disinterested”

https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/165634856748/elizabethrobertajones-bluestar86

I wrote this about how there’s a narrative POV about whose emotional arc is carrying Destiel. That doesn’t have to mean whoever has it is basically just shown to be unrequitedly pining. For example in season 4 you can comment a lot on how Cas seems to be falling for Dean before, you know, literally falling for him, but the POV of the season is entirely on Dean and the only Cas POV we get is stuff where he’s hanging out talking to other angels doing angel business and his personal arc stuff. There might be some incredible Destiel scenes like when he rebels in 4x22 but Dean’s the POV in the scenes even if Cas is the one reacting and doing stuff which is powering things along. Or 6x20 is entirely from Cas’s POV but we see Dean contribute plenty of angst to the drama and we still know how he feels, it’s not hard to guess when it’s written all over his face and how he struggles with what he’s discovering when we’ve been with him all season already, but every scene is given to us from Cas’s perspective because he’s narrating it.

I mean obviously there are times when one of them is emotionally unavailable such as the rest of season 6 being from Dean’s POV, or season 9 - 10 where Dean has the Mark and so the emotional arc is all on Cas’s shoulders… Again not because the other is completely void of feelings on the other side during these times, but because there’s a narrative device keeping them from expressing them or acting on them or whatever.

I’m pretty confused by the apparent reading a bunch of people have that Cas isn’t giving back feelings to Dean at the moment, which seems to have sprung out of lingering uncertainty about Cas’s state of being (which I just can’t see at the moment with any indications from the show that Cas is not himself in a fundamental way) or perhaps disappointment since the sneak peek for 13x06 that the reunion was understated.

I feel like I just watched one of the most ridiculous stretches of non-stop Destiel nonsense the show has ever delivered, starting 12x19 and relying on both characters to tell it.

Obviously we have Dean missing Cas in the build up to it, and Cas leaves as he does in the end of 12x19, and Dean continues angsting about it on the phone to Mary before shit hits the fan… Cas has the emotional POV in 12x19 but it relies on the theme of clarifying who you’re talking about and different levels of personal investment, which is only clarified in a bad way for Dean asking not to be included in Sam’s cheerful greeting of Cas, but then through the episode shows Cas and Dean still have a bigger personal investment in each other even when Cas only ever speaks about “sam and dean” as a unit. I don’t think that’s narrative POV on the Destiel arc because Dean’s still doing the heavy lifting, making it a weird episode where Cas has the POV but Dean has the Destiel POV, perhaps because of their epic misunderstandings about feelings which are a major major theme between them. But for all the generic concern thrown around, this episode had the mixtape exchange among all the other stuff between Cas and Dean when they were in the same room which made it clear they specifically focussed on each other.

And obviously while 12x23 was from Sam and Dean’s POV (even stuff like Cas going into the AU world was cut off so that we could react with Sam and Dean to AU Bobby, not with Cas), and there was very little interaction, Cas still did that bizarre thing where all the living Winchesters piled into his house and he said “Dean,” followed by, again singling Dean out in his attention and healing him, which had also happened in the end of 12x19. Even if Cas is not the POV there’s things thrown in to show that in amongst everything else and Cas losing control of the narrative after he was Jacked, he still blatantly cares about Dean and that he and Dean single each other out.

I suppose the Dean POV on how he feels about Cas has been utterly utterly in your face this season so far which might be another reason why it seems like Cas is giving less back. I do think, though, that it has not ALL been on Dean. In 13x03 Jack wakes up Cas after Dean manages to clarify some feelings about Cas at least in relation to how Sam is feeling. It darkly mirrors 12x19 where Dean clarified that he was mad at Cas when he came in the door, but this time positively for his FEELINGS about Cas, even if he’s now screaming in Sam’s face about it. The clarification that he cares that much about Cas is something that has been hovering unsaid for a long time despite their entire history of being singled out for each other, it’s become more blatant as the family has become more integrated, and pretty much since season 9 when Dean had to ask Cas to leave the Bunker, the weight has been on his say on whether Cas is part of the family or not. Thematically, obviously. In the wider narrative. Sam does a lot to make Cas feel at home, in 8x22 and the start of season 11 just off the top of my head as moments when Sam and Cas & the Bunker as home were a thing, but it’s Dean who has the big dramatic say. The main emotional arc impact. It pretty much goes without saying that Sam will welcome Cas and make home comfy in the Bunker. There’s no issue there at all :P

Anyway, Jack is overhearing Sam getting yelled at for not appreciating just how painful it is to look at him and only see Cas dying, and this creates the void of Cas in their lives in Jack’s heart powerful enough to nudge Cas in the Empty. I see it as Dean putting out this fact into the world for the first time, and that demanding an ANSWER. Cas waking up is a response to Dean making it clear how hurt he has been by Cas’s death. The theme of clarification, using your words, etc, has meant Dean has finally let words out that would have been awfully useful for Cas to know in life, and lo and behold he is awake. It’s a narrative question and answer to me. Dean feels this way about Cas - Cas is in the least possible state to ever find out, but now the story has changed, is this enough for Cas? And the answer is, yes, he wakes up now.

In the Empty Cas is challenged by the sleepy void about why he is awake, and it attempts to beat him and then his feelings into submission so that he will give up and go back to sleep. Dean off on the other side of the story is literally linked to Cas when he asks what linked all the victims - the answer is, their grief, and cut to Cas. Or when he says what is burned stays dead - and the answer is, no, look how Cas is doing over here, up and awake and wandering around and fighting to come back. Dean says he has no hope, and the obvious answer is, well you might not now but look who just woke up back on earth. I think it’s important to remember that narrative structure of Dean “interacting” with Cas in the Empty when talking about it because Dean is intrinsically linked to Cas over and over in 13x03 and 13x04 by his statements and the subsequent dramatic irony or narrative, like… eyebrow wiggling… they’re doing. (I’ll be honest, I have a headache so I can’t remember all my literature degree stuff :P) Because I think Jack just brought Cas back because of his OWN issues missing Cas and obviously what Kelly said about him being an angel to watch over him which he felt he was sorely lacking. But the way in which it all happens is tuned directly to Dean’s feelings.

And then we get, in the Empty, Cas’s little feelings. The Empty telling him he doesn’t want to go back, not in a dismissive way but in a I know how you feel and I know you don’t want to way. These scenes HAVE to be Cas’s emotional POV and if he won’t say it, the Empty will for him. It doesn’t matter if he’s not EXPRESSING these things for himself, the important thing is the scene is ABOUT Cas and it’s giving us an explanation of his emotions. That “Sam and Dean need me” is being put out there as Cas’s reason to go back despite the fact he doesn’t want to, that he’d shackle himself back to the same burden that got him killed, that in 12x19 we could see was destroying their relationship even BEFORE it got him killed. We’re getting a direct exploration of the things which last season kept Cas at an awful range of miscommunication to Dean. The stuff he never said to him or explained to Dean so badly Dean didn’t even get why he was saying it when it seemed too obvious to him that they all need to be together as a family and obviously Cas is family and obviously they should do everything side by side.

And so the Empty crouches down by Cas and says, “I know what you hate. I know who you love. I know what you fear,” with intonation that shows these concepts flow from the stuff they’ve already covered - Sam and Dean need me, nope that’s not it, I know this situation as it is inside your head and I am not scared to tell you what you’re thinking. That you hate being treated like this. You hate treating YOURSELF like this. I know who you love (and, incidentally, I’d know that you said already that you love all the Winchesters, because hi I’ve been inside your head so there’s nothing I don’t know). I know that there’s some secret that makes me drop my voice to a conspiratorial whisper to tell you that I know who you love, even though it’s just you and me awake in this whole wide Empty void of Nothing. Because to you it’s something deeper, something quieter, something less-spoken than anything you’ve voiced so far…

(Sidenote though - obviously it’s been voiced IN the narrative already and gets us no further than 4 years ago and “he’s in love…. with humanity!” etc because that entire build up was ENORMOUS and built up to the pay off… of what we got in 10x01-3, which obviously did not make Destiel canon or Cas’s feelings any clearer than a wistful comment about finding love on earth and wanting to stay, and then Cas left anyway and people were upset that Cas had left right when Dean seemed to be remotely operating his own feelings again and briefly had a moment of clarity to ask Cas to stay apparently in his room on his bed so look at how that has all carried on since season 10 and remember that I’m just analysing, not predicting, but also I have fandom deja vu about Cas’s feelings re: being so obvious they can be seen from space while he pines naked in bed for Dean, and then a big old kick back where everyone was furious he left with Hannah and Destiel is dead and Cas doesn’t love Dean any more >.>)

- and then the Empty says that he knows what Cas FEARS, why Cas keeps leaving, backing off, running away, taking on missions, doing things to protect Sam and Dean from afar because he can’t be with them, has to return Dean’s mixtape and go nobly fall on a sword. Because he’s SCARED about his feelings. Because he can’t be sure Dean WANTS him, only that Sam and Dean need him. He’s been literally given the Winchester Family Invitation on embossed paper with gold leaf, been through a couple of rounds of sacrificing for them - plural, Mary included - and them standing up for him and willing to die to protect him. He should not fear rejection from the family. He shouldn’t fear that his own feelings for them are not returned in full if it is about being a part of the family. At the end of season 11 Dean offered him being the 3rd Winchester brother (sorry Adam) on a plate as well, and Cas still looked unhappy and uncertain.

This all ties into ALL of Cas’s arc for years and years, ever since 7x17, when he re-started his continuous time on the show with a brief Destiel recap and his struggles have all been continuous and with good continuity. His guilt about killing all the angels and damaging Heaven (made worse/freshly relevant with the angel fall spell but was caused by his angst about Godstiel, that he brings up in 8x08), his sense of belonging or not which really starts getting hammered home after he becomes human and loses his wings, so he’s more dependant on a home, and also after he’s been more and more often exiled or treated like shit by Heaven to make it clearer that if he is ever going to have a good sense of home again, the one on Earth is the kinder option, even for all the trouble he goes through for Sam and Dean.

And his feelings for Dean, which are NOT a random subtext thing but seriously power much of his drama. 8x17 starting with him having to kill a thousand Deans. Or how he and Dean are linked by going through Purgatory together and the emotional revelations that came out there - that Dean wouldn’t leave without Cas but Cas didn’t think he deserved it, which ties up all his “general” arcs into the romantic one. That he deserves to be in Purgatory for what he did to Heaven, but that it will hurt Dean to do it. That he’s been self-punishing for Dean’s sake to keep him safe so that he can escape. Cas sacrifices for Dean again and again and in the end walks him to the portal and shoves him through it without attempting to follow because of how he feels; the romantic arc is intrinsic to his actions.

Season 9 builds up Cas trying to restore Heaven and take down Metatron, but Metatron sows discord among Cas’s followers for Cas’s loyalty to Dean. They test it. He loses his followers. Metatron mocks and delights in Cas’s choices and his weakness for Dean. He tells Cas that his weakness WAS Dean in 9x23, without the “love” comment. And that Dean is dead. Cas fights back anyway, even against hope of losing Dean.

In season 10, Cas’s arc is loosely that he’s adrift but will help those who need him - Hannah, Claire and of course Dean. Or Sam finding Dean. He pines and hangs on and gets compared to post-break up Crowley and in the main story his role is simply to be devoted to Dean, to want to save him, to be part of the family that would sacrifice and die for Dean. And an important link in the loose prophecy Cain gives Dean about his nearest and dearest of Crowley, Cas and Sam - each one a magnitude worse than the previous to hurt. 10x22 has Cas make that speech about how he’d be there with Dean at his side in horror as Dean murdered the world but he couldn’t kill him, he can only ask him to stop. Dean attacks and rejects him and for his troubles Cas gets turned into a mindless attack dog, a symbol of how he had been feeling all along, just doing these things for the Winchesters without being certain of his place in the family or his feelings being returned. In season 11 these last 2 points are the first of the PTSD flashbacks he gets about his recent treatment as he falls into deep depression and worthlessness, and the fact of his place in the family is a part of it - not that it can be cured by Dean finally telling him what he wants to hear, and for him to be all better as soon as he knows he’s loved. But it’s one of the factors causing it, and one of the reasons Cas got sucked along with the season 10 bad decisions and one of the reasons Cas has been isolating himself, and now begins the pattern of sacrificing himself too, in 11x10 where he says yes to Lucifer after being assured by everyone he meets that day that he’s just a useless tool. Except Dean, of course, but misunderstandings abound so there’s our read of Dean’s intention and our read of how Cas might have taken their parting. In any case, Cas manages to sacrifice twice in a row for the same possession in 11x14 too, now specifically for Dean. From there, the possession arc becomes laughably about Destiel in 11x18 and 11x21, and Dean’s focus on it in the in between episodes.

And in season 12, of course, now we get the repeated theme of Cas leaving because he doesn’t feel he belongs, and his sense of not belonging and duty power together his search for Lucifer, which turns into the search for Kelly which turns into what happens with Jack in 12x19, but all that of course is because he’s been the one feeling responsible for the Lucifer arc, and whichever point you pick to start that from it goes back to 11x10 and his decision there, made for the same reasons he does everything in season 12, but with more loops of talking about family and where he belongs and Dean trying to reach across the gap but not finding the right words. The fact that after 12x12 Cas still feels he has to be the Winchesters’ guardian shows that they have not been able to reach the part of him which will be able to comfortably call them home no matter how much they feel he belongs there.

For years and years and years this has been what Cas fears. When the Empty tells him he’s surrounded by all the thousands of dead angels, Cas looks around in utter horror, knowing that he’s responsible for them. Check one on his fears, openly expressed. The Empty mocks his attempt to say that Sam and Dean need him, as a bad reason to return, a hollow reason, and Cas’s fear is that they ONLY need him for what he can do, that they’d find a way to wake him up and get him back JUST because they NEEDED him for something. That he would claw his way back to life just to be used for some reason or another that is troubling them and that they can’t solve without calling in Cas to fix it and protect them. And then. His hates, loves and fears. Cas’s love for Dean in the most terrifying thing he has. He’s destroyed so much because of it. Rebelled because of it. Lost his faith because of it. Been dragged through things far worse than Hell and back because of it. And Dean won’t clarify his feelings for Cas, won’t speak in plain English and explain what he means, what Cas means.

And in 13x03 he clarifies to Sam that Cas in particular is why he is in so much turmoil, and Cas wakes up. And faces the Empty mocking his feelings and pointing out his fears. That there is “nothing for you back there” despite all the gestures of home and family that have ever been offered to him. (And this sounds so much like the line in The Two Towers where Elrond is telling Arwen there’s nothing for her here, trying to convince her to LEAVE Middle Earth rather than be with Aragorn and die as a mortal.)

But Cas takes this and all the reminders of his failures and the horrific things that have happened to him, and he stands up and confronts the Empty, which is essentially the bad voice in his head, the depression, and all his fears and doubts, and tells it to stuff it and send him back. He realises whatever happened to him, the reason he’s awake has already given him the chance to reject the Empty trying to make him give up and go to sleep, and that he has been given another chance to fight. Not to reject everything the Empty says and have hope, but to fight and fight and fight. And be given another chance.

And that the confrontation involved a reminder that Cas has this secret love, that it covered all the reasons Cas has been brought down to this lowest point, is mirrored in the much *less* Destiel scene in 13x05 where Billie and Dean talk and Dean only mentions in passing that he couldn’t save Cas as part of the reason he’s given up, although of course the weight of everything else around it that built it all up and explained why (and his clarification that woke Cas up in 13x03) obviously makes it mean more than it might sound on the surface. But Cas’s confrontation with the Empty contains *all* of that that I just rambled about because it’s a Castiel, this is your life, moment, and the power of it is picking all the right words to express *everything* Cas has been through and why, and that includes his entire romance with Dean, and, sadly, what it has done to him to pine and feel unrequited all this time. In 10x01 when he’s lying in bed missing Dean, we have an emotionally similar scene but to much less dramatic effect, much less clarity, and distilling down the reasons. It’s mired in a lot of random context, and it is only really symbolically what this scene was pretty much directly.

In the end of 13x05 Cas calls Dean and it’s silent but we know what it means to Dean. We have silence on Cas’s side of things - obviously the ball is in Dean’s court there on the emotional POV - but when we get Cas back, in 13x06, he is in *no way* “k, bye”

I think the scenes have been fairly balanced in POV, with Cas explaining what happened to him from his perspective when he gets back when talking about the Empty and his line about annoying the Empty is nonsense to out of context ears but means a lot to us and Cas. The hugs being used to contrast Sam and Dean’s reactions, with Sam not knowing what to do but Dean saying “i do” and swooping in on Cas.

Remember, we have been inside Cas’s head, we’ve seen all his little feelings. We know what has brought him back, and why, and to what dramatic narrative purpose this serves - Dean’s grief about Cas being a 5 episode arc which ended up going right into a lowest point of Dean’s much longer personal arcs about loving Cas and how he feels about the job and family, and Cas’s much much longer ongoing personal arc, currently now starting a new chapter after reaching the lowest point in a story about once again passing through an afterlife to rebirth. But he accepted he would still have these issues, that he was only coming back to fight, that he wasn’t coming back because “Sam and Dean need me”…

And for most of this reintroduction scene he doesn’t know that they didn’t do something to bring him back. Sam and Dean are stunned and Cas talks matter of fact about how they got back. Cas doesn’t know they’re reacting in complete and utter mystification. He doesn’t know how long he was gone, just that Dean thinks it’s too long. He has this conversation about where he was and what the Empty is like while clearly baffled about their intent and why Sam is asking these questions, until he says “I thought you had done something” and looks at Dean with realisation that they had genuinely thought he was dead and gone and not coming back and they had no clue - this is the first time he can look at them without wondering what they did, if there’s a price on their heads for doing it to him, etc. He no longer has to be concerned about them.

But it’s not just that. It’s that now he knows “Sam and Dean need me” is NOT the reason he was brought back. He called them up probably expecting to be thrown into their next big drama, something they’re overwhelmed with that only Cas can help them with, that he wasn’t just calling them because he’s getting back in touch with his family but that he’s going back into the battle. For them. To protect them or do something for them that they can’t do.

And instead he learns that Jack did it to him, and Sam and Dean aren’t responsible, and all they did was come to collect him and take him *home*. And the big drama he gets thrown into? Jack has found them a case in Dodge City and Dean is *delighted* to go play cowboys with Cas. Cas, freshly back from the dead, suddenly has Jack - a whole new set of issues, maybe, but at least the two of them on a personal level have a positive emotional connection that they both care about each other, though the levels of Jack needing a new guardian angel strike me as bad in the bigger picture, it’s good for Cas to have more people who care about him, and for Dean to proudly label their new family and for this sense of belonging to be automatically placed on them.

I mean Cas’s head is probably spinning, given the issues he confronted, and then going back AGAINST ALL HOPE. That there was nothing for him back on Earth, just this struggle where he was going to go back to the Winchesters for whatever they needed him for, because he loves them, because he loves Dean, but deep down he has fears and secrets that have been messing with how he interacts with them. Have been screwing up everything for him, over and over.

And then he gets dragged on a case where Dean’s a great fluffy ball of sunshine even when he’s an angry sleeper, somehow, and all he asks of Cas is to make some coffee, and wait for him to be alert enough to hang out with him, at which point he continues being utterly gleeful and playful, and Cas is beginning to relax, to wear the cowboy hat, to quote the movie at Dean, to feel comfortable at his side, playing along being a cowboy, saying all the ridiculous lines like howdy partner etc as they walk onto the crime scene. Cas has FUN with Dean. FUN. CASTIEL, ANGEL OF THE LORD, HAD FUN. He was acting PLAYFUL.

And even when he’s being asked what his fake agent name is, he panics because this is all seeming a bit dangerous to keep playing around, he looks to Dean, Dean nods like it will all be fine and Cas says he’s Val Kilmer, and it works. Being playful never hurt anyone. Dean is DELIGHTED. Cas passes the test. This is all GREAT. Look at how few enormous burdens are on them! Sure things suck out in the wider scheme of the world, but nothing is currently actively trying to destroy it…

This episode didn’t really have a directed POV on all the Destiel stuff because it was just the two of them existing in the same space. Most of the specific pointless (I say, to the main plot anyway) character beats were stuff between Cas and Dean. The hats. The coffee. The music. Even Jack asking Cas about how much Dean likes cowboys. Things that don’t really advance the story but we get silly things like Dean throwing Cas the gnawed hipbone or whatever. No one else is interacting like Dean and Cas interact. Sam and Jack have some interesting stuff going on, but they aren’t commanding a room when they’re in it.

Like… I don’t *just* ship Destiel because they have interaction I like. I ship it because when they’re in a room, the writing itself supports that the two of them become the most important thing in it to each other. Dean lurks in the background of the Cas and Jack hug, while Sam disappears. Dean stands by Cas in the confrontation with Jack at the end of the episode - they’re on the same side. They’re together. There’s a *link* between them.

I really feel like people seeing Cas as dismissive and strange this episode instead of immediately picking up on Dean’s Cowboy Thing as a callback to 6x18 (whether he can hear the music or not, but personal interpretation, yes), and the query by Jack, the car conversation about them watching Tombstone together, is more reminders, more links between Cas *specifically* and Dean’s interest in cowboys. Cas’s face and his teasing is the same mood as “is it customary to wear a blanket” or telling Dean he looks like a lumberjack. Cas does not tease people very often. And it’s pretty much been Crowley a couple of times dismissively and Dean 3 times lovingly. And about his clothes. And 2/3rds of the time about cowboys. It’s a Thing.

I am just full of stunned love this episode for the way Dean and Cas act around each other, the comfort, the teasing, the absolute knowledge of each other. The things they share off screen and on screen. Cas always expresses less than Dean does, but this episode Cas willingly impersonated a cowboy for an entire 10 seconds while in Dean’s presence, quoted a movie at him, and sucked it up and used his ridiculous alias Dean told him to, while wearing the hat Dean made him wear. Cas loves Dean like the sun comes up in the morning. Maybe someone will be upset Dean messes with Cas and makes him do all this stuff, but this is Castiel Fucking Winchester who scowled down the Empty. I think he could stand up for himself about a straw hat :P

Anyway… tl;dr if that was my post you were thinking about, PLEASE do not interpret it as saying one of them always has to be pining. Sometimes they are just in love. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be a narrative reason for it, and we just kinda enjoy the nonsense while another story - Jack’s story - is building up elsewhere. Dean and Cas’s interaction is a character-based subplot on its own, and it’s delightful right now. They can have issues again later, but between Sam saying “Jack” in the opening and the horrible end to the shoot out, Dean n Cas weren’t really doing anything other than enjoying each other’s company. And all the stuff that might have made it bad got swept away with the reveal Jack resurrected Cas, not Dean. Cas is temporarily (permanently hopefully) off the hook for being the angel that watches over them.

I mean it’s so not over, we’re 6 episodes in and all their pre-existing angst is just waiting to kick off again and never entirely *gone*, but this episode was weirdly peaceful for Dean and Cas. And they needed it. And I just do not understand at ALL people reading Cas as being dismissive and distant when he played cowboys with Dean.

#Asks #angels are watching over you #13x06 #destiel #caaas #long post for ts #my stuff

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stormecloudyy-blog · 6 years

Text

Amor Proibido viii . 5

You are the sun and I am just the planets Spinning around you - Fall Out Boy

This is dedicated to @mendesau. Just because.

Placing the last clip in my hair, I stare into the mirror for the longest time. I am not sure who I am looking at right now. She looks like me, but how can this be me? I am her and she is me. All that existential type shit, but I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. My hair is tied up in a simple chignon with strategically placed clips so it stays perfect. I have the perfect wing tip eyeliner, the most lush eyelashes thanks to some very nice mascara, and the prettiest peach color lips. The simple off white dress with tulle and a black bow tied around my waist looks perfect.

This is supposed to be the best day of my life.

I am getting married.

The last week has been hell. Shawn hasn’t spoken to me since the day when he left. He said the ticket would be there at the airport. I even called about five hundred times to see if he had rescinded the offer, but it has been there the whole time.

The rose charm on the necklace has been resting on my neck since he left too. I just reach my fingers up every single time I need to calm myself down and the weight feels like a comfort. It makes me feel like this all still real, and I have not lost Shawn completely. The truth is I know I need to let him go. Just because we had a few times together, and he said this could work out, he is being too optimistic. I wish he would see how this would all play out. He is famous, and he is always being photographed. I work for a well known music magazine. He would be seen as the guy who got the girl, and I would be branded a slut. I would lose my job and be seen as the evil one. Just because I am a woman. Shawn would be patted on the back and I would be the one everyone is whispering about. Fucking double standards.

I take another deep breath, turning away from the mirror so I don’t have to look at myself anymore. It is hard to look when I know I am going to hate myself even more when this is all said and done.

Emily has been hovering around all morning, helping me get ready and asking me if I am going to be okay. I didn’t tell her the whole story about Shawn, but I think she was able to pick up on the unsaid implications. She has been my best friend since I was 14 years old and the person who has been with me through most of the major things in my life.

“You look really pretty, Autumn…”

I look up and see my aunt lingering in the doorway. She is wearing a pretty light blue dress she picked up the day before because even she didn’t think I was going to go through with the wedding. She is the woman who raised me when I was about two years old and my mom just left me at her house, only showing up once in awhile when she needs money. Twenty two years later, I am glad she is the one who is my mom figure and will see me get married. Even if she doesn’t exactly love Landon…

“Thank you,” I reply with a smile.

She walks into the room and closes the door behind her. Sitting down on the other chair, she leans in like she wants to tell me a secret. “This is the day I have waited for since you were small. I know it has never been normal since you didn’t have your mom or dad around, but I tried to do the best I could. But I am still a little worried about you marrying Landon. Since the day you told me you were going to get married, I feel like… you don’t love him.”

I reach up and touch the necklace Shawn gave me, acting like this is all okay. Like it doesn’t kind of hurt in my chest because I haven’t seen him. Or haven’t even talked to him. There is this empty, gnawing space inside my chest and it keeps getting worse the more time passes. But it doesn’t matter.

“I want to marry Landon because I know life will be stable. I will have a job and he works, so we will be able to afford our house. Life is going to be good. We get along well enough that the marriage will work out for the both of us. I mean, no marriage is ever going to be perfect. I will be happy,” I tell her, not wanting to ruin the day by talking about subjects which don’t matter.

Elena sighs and shakes her head. “You act like I am blind, Autumn. I have raised you since you were a tiny one. Just because you are twenty four doesn’t mean suddenly you are an adult who just knows what is best for her. I am forty seven years old. I have been in love before. I have been in love with Thomas since I was thirty two. I know what happy looks like that, and it isn’t you.”

She stands up and walks over to me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “All I have wanted for you is to be happy and reach all of those dreams you talked about when you were growing up,” she tells me and kisses the top of my head. “I love you more than anything and just want you to have the best life possible.”

There’s a knock on the door and Emily pokes her head inside. “Hi, the officiant says he is ready to start when you are. All you need to do is come do that little walk down the aisle and get married Today is finally your big day.”

I stand up and give her my best smile. “Then let’s do this.”

Elena doesn’t say anything else. She just nods and follows me out of the room. I know both her and Emily are thinking the same thing about Landon, but I am not going to have the same argument again. I have made up my mind. This is the best choice I am going to get, and I will not throw it away because of a stupid choice. This is my whole life.

I can hear the sound of the music faintly, a very nice melodic tune Thomas picked out because he is the one who is best with music so he decided he would be the one who would do all of the music for the wedding. When I said low key wedding, I meant at my aunt’s house with the least amount of effort possible. I just want to do this and get it over with. Then I go with Landon on this damn honeymoon and deal with my feelings and emotions never.

Emily hands me the bouquet she put together for me, white roses with the cutest little peonies. She even tied it with a black bow that matches the sash on my dress. The flowers feel really weird in my hands. I ignore the shaking and sweaty palms. Everything is going to work out just fine.

Emily squeezes my arm before she goes to take her place as maid of honor, giving me a look like it is not too late with just her eyes. The room is just a few friends, some co workers, and even less family. Landon is standing up front next to the officiant, wearing a tux and looking very handsome. He smiles when he sees me, giving me a small wave with his hand.

I am getting married in the living room where I grew up, which doesn’t feel real. I remember crying in this room the first time a boy broke my heart and saying I was never going to fall in love again. I was only fourteen so I was not in love, and he was just one of many boys. I just can’t believe how the world ends up working out. Ten years ago, I thought my life was ending and now it just really getting started.

The wedding march starts to play… and now is the time I am taking my first to walk down the aisle, Elena next to me. She places her hand on my arm. “Let’s do this, Autumn…” she whispers in my ear softly.

All of the sudden, there is a huge thumping on the front door.

Thump. Thump. THUMP.

Everything freezes. It is like the whole record spinning sound moment where the world stops completely.

My head spins around, hands letting go of the bouquet.

I practically sprint to the front door, throwing it open.

There he stands. Just like he said he would be.

“Shawn,” I breathe.

“Am I too late?” he asks, eyes only on me like we are the only two people in the world.

I want to giggle, act like I am a stupid girl because it is just how it makes me feel seeing him standing here like this. Just like he said he would. I wish I could just bottle up this moment and save it for the rest of my life, just staring up at him in all of his glory. He looks so… happy. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense. His hair is all messy like he has been running his hands through it over and over, with his sunglasses pushed up into his curls. Those crazy curls that never want to do what he wants. He even has bloodshot eyes like he was drinking too much and then he had to run to a catch a plane so he could see me.

“What the fuck is going on?” Landon screams, pushing me out of the way with a hand and standing in front of Shawn. “Can I fucking help you?”

Shawn is taller than Landon by a good six or seven inches. He looks down at him for a second, tilting his head just slightly like he is processing someone is speaking to him. Then he blinks, like he is trying to discern how I am not standing in front of him because I was shoved out of the way. Then his lip twitches just a little, the way it does when he gets angry. Shawn lets out a breath, lifting his fist and hitting Landon right in the middle of his face.

The crack of cartilage is almost deafening followed by the scream and the blood gushing all over the floor. Landon puts his hands over his face and shouts, “What is your fucking problem?!”

Everyone is clamoring over each other to watch the drama unfold. Elena stands behind me, hand on her mouth like she is trying not to laugh. Thomas is coming up, standing between Shawn and Landon to mediate and prevent any more fighting from breaking out.

“Gentlemen, please calm down. This is a residence, not a place to start doing some MMA.” He looks over at Shawn and says, “Do I know you from somewhere?”

Shawn shrugs, still glaring at Landon for a moment. “I am Shawn, sir. It is nice to meet you.” He nods at Thomas and then adds, “I am here because I am in love with Autumn.”

Collective gasps echo throughout the room and all eyes are on me. I am pretty sure one of the my cousin’s is filming the whole thing too so it will be online for the world to see in just a matter of hours.

Landon is still clutching at his broken nose and looking back and forth between me and Shawn, trying to decide if this is some elaborate joke.

I kind of just want to sink into the floor right now. I don’t like the way everyone is staring at me, and this is just too damn much. My life has turned into some kind of damn telenovela where a famous singer comes to my front door and confesses his love for the world to hear. What the fuck. This type of shit doesn’t happen in the real world. Maybe I am just having one really long dream I just can’t wake up from…

“So here is the thing…” I begin, eyes looking around the room and not able to really focus on one single person. My family and friends all came here to watch me get married and now here I am with some famous singer in the foyer of my childhood home. “I might be in love with him too…”

Once those words are out of my mouth, a whole other set of murmurs and gasps fill the room. Everyone is still staring at me in my wedding dress, Shawn is standing at the front door, and Landon is still trickling blood from his nose.

My voice grows louder.

“I am in love with Shawn Mendes,” I announce.

#shawn mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes story #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #amor proibido #writing #mine

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kinetic-elaboration · 7 years

Note

59 for bellarke plsee!

Bellarke, Modern AU, ~2,300 words

For the prompt “Tell me to go and I will, but if you ask me to stayI’ll never leave you again” from this list.

On AO3.

Bellamy Blake was not left at the alter. That is the salacious-gossip version of the story, the one that’s spread its way around town because the Mayor’s daughter is the closest to celebrity that Arkadia has, and because the accident made front-page news, and because that’s what gossip does: it builds upon itself, it grows beyond itself.

The truth isno less painful, but quieter. It lacks the drama of a groom in his best suit,waiting at the end of the aisle, hopeless and pathetic as the interminableseconds pass him by. The truth was Clarke pacing back and forth on their frontporch, refusing to talk to him, while he perched on the railing and made up worst-casescenarios in his head. The truth was her walking halfway down the steps, like she was planning on walking right out of town without turning back. He doesn’t remember anymore what she said. Something about needing space and time. He’d said he could go with her, they could get away together, but even then, hating the way he sounded like he was pleading, hating the words as they were formed by traitorous lips and tongue, he knew what she meant

That she needed a clean slate, or something.

She gave him back his ring—the one he’d feltso silly buying, because Clarke had never been a jewelry person and he wasn’t adown-on-one-knee type—and left it to him to break the news to their friends.

He put their house up for sale, moved intoan apartment, and, after a few months, started to move on.

Clarke comes back to him first as a rumor: a text fromMiller in the middle of a long late-summer afternoon. Just saw Clarke and Abby downtown. If it were anyone else bringingthe news, Bellamy would ask are you sure?,but Miller would take that as an insult. Of course he’s sure.

So Bellamy doesn’t answer with anything at all, and hespends the rest of the day changing his mind over and over, first hoping he’llrun into her himself, then hoping he won’t.

She contacts him in the evening, after dark in Augustso it feels later than it is: 9pm but midnight black outside his window as hesits next to his bedside lamp, trying to read. Her text says: can we talk? Staring at it, he starts towonder if he’s lost track of himself entirely, if hours or even days or weeksof time have fallen away under his feet. They haven’t spoken at all in sixmonths. Who starts a conversation after half a year without even so much as a hey or a how have you been? Has his mind swallowed up whole phone calls orlong all-day texting strings? Is there a black hole in his memory reserved justfor her?

Impossible, because he remembers everything. Thesunlight on her face in the morning, the smell of her hair, the sound of herlaugh, the feel of her skin.

He sets his phone down; he stares at the bold blackletters in his book.

His phone pings again and he snatches it up, rightaway. His reflexes know his wants, more than his mind does.

I know I can’task that of you. It’s not fair. But I’m saying please.

Just like Clarke, still so full of pride, to declarewhat she’s saying instead of just saying it.

Please.

He plans to write back tomorrow and suggest someneutral place and time, something unobtrusive, that won’t set him back at allin this life he’s so painstakingly living. But instead he types out come over and sets both phone and bookaside.

Clarke has the highest caffeine tolerance of anyoneBellamy’s ever known: she drinks coffee some nights right before she goes tosleep, curled up under winter blankets with a big white mug of it, like otherpeople drink hot chocolate or tea. He considers making some for her. But thethought so disgusts him—doing somethingnice for the woman who left you, that’s pathetic, why do you hate yourself somuch still?—that he ends up shuttling her old mug across the kitchencounter top, slamming his palms against the stove when it ricochets back fromthe wall. Useless, useless.

He makes green tea for himself and swears he won’toffer her a thing.

When she arrives, she looks smaller than heremembered: shorter, thinner, slighter. He invites her in but says as little aspossible. She’s the one who wanted to talk, after all. Let her talk. Let hersay what she traveled all the way back home to say, let her set thisconversation on its track.

“You have a nice place,” she says.

“Thanks.”

It’s not just bitterness, or a desire to punish her,that keeps the rest of his words shoved against the back of his throat. It’sthe strong, magnetic pull of her. It’s Clarke, love of his life, ghost of hisdreams, the one, standing in hiskitchen staring at the linoleum floor, quiet, breathing, living, real, closeenough to touch. She’s stuck her hands in the pockets of her jacket—some lightweight blue thing he’s never seen before—and he can see that they’re curledinto fists. She’s letting the short blunt ends of her nails bite into her ownskin. If someone had told him two months ago, or three, or four, where she was,he’d have gone after her. Wouldn’t have hesitated. Would have jumped in his carand crossed the country for her because missing her was easier than hating her,missing her was the easiest thing in the world to do. Missing her formed thebackbone of his days and nights.

Now that she’s here, those feelings are resurfacing,battling with the bitter disdain he’s only recently allowed himself to feel.

He won’t stand for her, unmoored and listless in hisown tiny kitchen, so he sits down with his tea at the table and he waits forher to speak. He wonders what his gaze feels like, if she’s asking herself whathe’s thinking, if she feels exposed and on the spot under the overhead light.He catches her glancing at her own reflection, pitched back at her from theshining black surface of the window.

“I’m sorry,” she says, finally.

Those words should come as no surprise. What elsecould she have said? And yet—he never expected her to say it.

He inclines his head, looks down.

“Bellamy.” She pulls back a chair, thescrape of it backwards louder than his name had been, and sits down with herhands on the tabletop. Her fingers are so close that he could reach out forthem, if he wanted, and it would be almost no effort at all. “I… I guessI thought when I got here, I’d know what to say.”

The corner of his lips twitches up. Of course, shethought the right words would just come to her. Clarke always trusted herinstincts.

“Because I always knew what to say to you. I feltlike I could say anything to you.”

He huffs out a hard, angry breath through his nose. That’sa lie, an obvious lie, when her old silences still haunt him. After theaccident, she withdrew so completely that their last conversation, the way shestood so still on the second porch step and he just waited, knowing alreadywhat she would say, felt like a post script or an afterward, more than a finalchapter or a climactic reveal. He’d triedto talk to her about it. He’d given her every opportunity to let it out. Shewas the one who pushed the conversation off, pushed him away.

“I hated myself,” she says, now, loud anddefensive as she leans into the gap between them. “I hated myself so muchI couldn’t stand to be around anyone.”

He doesn’t ask evenme? because he knows the answer: especiallyyou, you who were trying so hard.

“It wasn’t your fault, what happened—”

“Don’t. You know it was. I don’t need you to lieto me.”

At least now they sound human; there’s warmth, heat totheir voices, passion creeping up from the embers.

“Maya’s dead,” she continues, softer butwith that thrum of emotion still beneath. “And Raven’s leg—”

“Raven is getting better, which you would know,if you’d been here. She didn’t ask you to leave. Jasper didn’t ask you toleave. I didn’t.”

“Okay.” She pulls back again, like the wordswere an assault, and Bellamy feels his own face heating up. He wants to get up,walk away, splash cold water on his skin, but he can’t walk out on her. Hecan’t walk out on this, like she did.

That’s a punch too low. Even though the words wereunsaid, he feels guilty for them.

She takes her hands off the table and puts them in herlap, holding them palms out first, just for a moment, her fingers curling in.Maybe a defensive gesture, maybe a surrender. “I left for me. I nevertried to say otherwise.” She takes another breath, in it another spasm ofwords unsaid, because that isn’t quite true. She did say, at the time, thatthey’d be better off without her there. That she kept the wound from healing.

“I knowI left for me,” she corrects.

Bellamy lifts his mug up slowly, drinks slowly. If hestretches out this moment, maybe the right words will come. Maybe these lastminutes will settle themselves in place, and it will all make sense, and he’llunderstand what he’s been waiting half a year to understand.

Or maybe he won’t.

"Why did you come back?” he asks instead, suddenand sharp. “If you’re trying to explain, you’re not doing a very good job.You’re not telling me anything I didn’t already know.”

“I know!” She spits the words out butswallows the rest down, and the expression on her face is only sadness andregret. “I know, I’m not—I’m not here to explain anything.” She looksdown at her hands, at her fingers twisting up around each other in her lap. Fora long time, for so long he starts to wonder if this silence will ever bebroken, she just breathes deep breaths and he watches her, how the air fillingher lungs moves her shoulders and her chest. He listens to the slight tremor inthose breaths. He wonders if she’s scared. If she’s holding back tears.

If she did cry, would he hold her? Would he be able tostop himself from holding her?

He’s just angry enough, still, to watch her with hisown impassive face, emotionless like stone as her own facade crumbles, slowly.

“I just want to come home, Bellamy,” shewhispers, at last. “I don’t want to talk about what happened. I’m sorrythat I hurt you and I want to come home.”

Bellamy looks down. He moves his mug just a little sohe can watch the ripples that echo out across the surface of his tea, so he canknow that movement is still possible, when he himself feels so frozen. Heunderstands now why Clarke took so long to speak. She’s been broken down thislast year, but she’s always had her pride, held on to it in desperation even asshe packed her bags and shoved them into the backseat of her car and droveaway, and to let go of it now is the last and most brutal injury left to her,perhaps the most difficult challenge of all.

He has a certain amount of sympathy for that.

“Just say something, Bellamy, please.Anything.”

His mind cycles quickly through impossible phraseafter impossible phrase, until he settles finally on: “If you want to moveback, I can’t stop you.” He won’t look at her face as he says it, becausehe knows that it’s cruel: to so purposefully misconstrue her, to let her thinkthat that’s all he has to say.

“You know what I mean. I want to come home toyou.”

She gives him only a few seconds to answer—hedoesn't—then she’s pulling her chair close and reaching for his hands, tiltingher head to try to catch his eye. Pathetic desperation in the way she’sgrabbing for him. He recognizes something just as sorry and just as sad insidehimself, where already there’s a part of him clamoring to forgive and forget itall.

“I’m not going to sit here and waste your timeand beg. I won’t do it. You’ll either understand why I left or you won't—”Her voice, too hard and too sharp, starts to cut at them both, and she swallowshard again and holds his hands tighter and closes her eyes. “Just—tell meto go and I will, but if you ask me to stay, I’ll never leave you again. Ipromise. That’s all I can promise, Bellamy. The future, that’s it.”

He misses her so brutally, he can barely breathe.

It takes him a long while, so long that Clarke hasbowed her head down so that her forehead rests against their hands, and all ofhis own defenses have completely crumbled away, but finally he answers, “Idon’t want you to leave.”

Clarke doesn’t move, but she grabs his hands tighter,so hard that it hurts and he feels her nails pricking sharp crescents in hisskin. He struggles to rearrange her fingers and his fingers. It’s a relief tofeel their palms pressed together at last, their fingers laced together. Arelief: like the first step in coming home.

When she sits up, he can see that she’s been crying,so he wipes away her tears with his thumb. He’s almost surprised to feel thathe still has such gentleness in him. And Clarke smiles, not like she’s happy,but like she’s hopeful, and wraps her arms around him, and he hugs her back andlets the barrier between them, a sediment of time and silence and regret, finallyand simply wash away.

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