#why do they hurt me.

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[thagantm]

@shadowcovcn ; ❛ have you been standing out in the cold this whole time? ❜ - carol ( x )

ICE  SITS  IN  HIS  BONES ;  THE  SOLES  OF  HIS  SHOES  FROZEN  TO  THE  GROUND  or  it  at  least  feels  this  way  and  Tommy  is  quite  sure  that  none  of  it  is  due  to  the  weather  or  the  cold  of  the  night . his  fingertips  have  gone  numb  a  while  ago  and  something  close  to  a  nervous  tick  has  his  index  mindlessly  tapping  against  his  thigh . he  had  mulled  the  thought  of  coming  here  at  all  over  in  his  head  for  the  majority  of  the  past  two  hours ; too  nervous , too  on  edge  to  sleep , eat , even  to  touch  a  glass  of  anything  usually  comforting , and  had  eventually  decided  that  staying  in  bed , staring  at  his  ceiling  wouldn’t  do  him  any  good  either . his  life  feels  wrong . everything  about  it , down  to  the  core . it  feels  like  a  parody , and  a  pretty  bad  one  at  that , of  some  bizarre  counter  universe  and  he  utterly  fails  to  wrap  his  head  around  it . there’s  a  small  voice  in  the  back  of  his  mind  ( some  call  that  reason , but  Tommy  doesn’t  know  the  concept )  telling  him  that  her  decision’s  perfectly  understandable . that  she’d  been  right  about  everything  she  had  told  him  prior  to  the  line  we  shouldn’t  see  each  other  anymore , which  still  echoes  in  his  head  like  the  cruel  voice  from  the  speakers  at  a  fun  fair . yes , he  had  been  drinking  too  much . yes , he  had  neglected  almost  anything  else  in  his  life . yes , the  crowd  he  had  gathered  around  himself  in  the  past  couple  of  months  is  shady  as  shit . and  still , despite  it  all  sounding  reasonable , he  fails  to  truly  put  two  and  two  together .

the  drive  to  her  home  is  as  natural  to  him  as  navigating  to  his  own  house  is . a  refuge  from  the  shitshow  that  is  reality . a  place  where  he  gets  the  chance  to  be  a  person  he’s  still  largely  unfamiliar  with , but  has  the  potential  to  become  one  day . Carol  is  his  golden  ticket , isn’t  she ? warmth , comfort , love , devotion , honesty , home . how  can  he  be  expected  to  just  cope  with  the  idea  that .  .  . nope .

Tommy  doesn’t  dare  ring  the  doorbell  but  instead  just  -  lingers . the  car  parked  on  the  curb , lights  off ; he’s  not  sure  how  much  time’s  passed  since  he’d  arrived , but  it’s  been  enough  for  him  to  shift  from  inside  the  car  to  outside  on  the  sidewalk  more  than  once . he  had  wasted  time  balancing  on  the  curb , had  kicked  rocks  into  the  gutter , and  -  accidentally  -  scared  a  cat , but  had  not  even  once  considered  knocking . I’m  not  her  problem  anymore ; a  mantra  repeating  in  his  head . as  usual , it  is  Carol  who  decides  to  make  him  her  problem  again . he  turns  when  he  hears  her  voice  behind  him , the  nervous  tapping  fading  in  an  instant , and  his  heart  skips  a  beat  before  it  speed – starts  into  a  manic  frenzy  just  for  the  heck  of  it. “ I  -  no ? what ? no . ” his  lips  curve  up  into  an  almost  nervous  smile . not  typical  for  him  at  all . “ I  -  uh  -  I  also  .  .  .  sat  in  the  car  for  a  while, look , I’ll  just  go . ” Tommy  nods  to  himself , lips  pressed  to  a  thin  line  now . “ and  you  should  go  back  inside . wouldn’t  want  you  to  get  frostbite  again . ”

#shadowcovcn #ic. [ answered ] #verse. [ canon ] #dynamic. [ shadowcovcn ] #ship. [ tommy x carol ] #why do they hurt me. #Ace do something.

[gascreates]

this is the only relationship that matters actually.

#shipping wars solved #atla #zuko #momo #me: im gonna do a short lil doodle! so i can feel like ive finished something! #me 12 hours later: #my hand hurts #this is not a short little doodle #fucking. why did i keep going

[lostlegendaerie]

there's something deeply gutting about being a writer right now. watching studio execs brag about starving people like you out of your very house just to not pay you anything above the pennies you currently make. watching some people cheer over AO3 being targeted for a DDOS attack. the complete lack of profitability of writing commissions or writing in general in transformative spaces, especially in contrast to fanart. the pivot of so many social media platforms to be video and image based near-exclusively.

I don't know. it just makes me sad to know that the hobby that kept me alive while growing up homeschooled with dial-up internet and local antenna TV... is only ever gonna be a side job with minimal engagement. I know this site is good about supporting libraries and the concept of books but, do me a favor? Reach out to a writer friend you know. Leave a comment on your last five read stories on your favorite website.

Tell us you care.

#maybe that's why I've been so stalled on my novel #I keep trying to convince myself there's a POINT to it #but I look at how BRUTAL the publishing industry is and how I can't even consistently break ten reblogs on writing I post here #and I just. it hurts. and I have other hobbies I could fall back on!!! I could do art and cosplay and cater to the immediate engagement!! #but writing is my LOVE and my PASSION and I just wish. I wish the current climate CARED about us #TALKED to us the way we talk to cosplayers and artists and the chocolate guy #UGH. Wednesday blues hitting me NASTY today

[caramelldansenu]

*kills it* *kills it again* *kills it again* *kills it again* *kills it aga

[text]

Lamb: This is the new mascot, Narinder. Make sure to feed it 4 times a day it just escaped an eternal prison

Follower: Yes, of course great leader!

Lamb: And if it dissents, just give it snacks and a pat. It'll calm down

Follower: Oooh! So like a pet cat?

Lamb: Exactly.

Narinder: INSOLENT LAMB. I AM STILL HERE.

#art #fanart #drawing #cotl #cult of the lamb #cotl narinder #dont ask why pet cats exist and follower cats exist at the same time just accept jt #my glasses broke after while i was in the middle of drawing this i taped my glasses together just to finish it 🙃 #it hurt my nose like hell #the things i do for art #not ship art #narinder is like the lambs pet cat #u know how u treat ur cat thats exactly how the lamb treats narinder #because the lamb is just an extension of me in this

[swordheld]

do the silly thing. if you do not do the silly thing time will pass and it will not be the same silly thing it could have been. it will still be silly, and it will still be yours, but it will not be the same. this is both a blessing and a curse, but so is living; and if you do not do it now when will you? who will? it has to be you, it was always meant for you, waiting for you.

#this is about writing for me but could be about anything (that is not hurtful to urself or others. very important) #that's why it is silly (affectionate) or cringey (affectionate) like u gotta just let yourself go sometimes. you have to do the thing. #even if it is terrible horrible (not what you want) bc at least then it EXISTS. at least it holds space in the universe and it lives outsid #you can let it sit and rot and gather dust but at least then you can go back to it. even if it's horrible there is at LEAST at least - #one kernel of it that you can bring into the next piece. at least one shining pearl of something. #even if it needs work or months in those lil funky rock tumblers for geodes and gemstones and all. even if needs SO much work. #at least it is there!!! and it is yours!!! #it's your call to action if it's something u want w/ all your heart. #or even a piece of it. if it's something you want? well - it's already yours. it always has been. #you just have to take the first step / the first breath / and begin. #scribbles.

[cemeterything]

kinda wish i didn't have PTSD but then i wouldn't be able to joke that it means Potential To Suck Dick so you win some you lose some

#🐉 #but come ON why do i have to react to seemingly innocuous things that remind me of times in my life i was hurt so badly #that it forever altered me as a person like im being shot at

[somerandomdudelmao]

I’m having fun with this episode….

#why is it keep hurting me #why is this pain coming in new #much more interesting ways #each time? #what am i doing with my life #lmao

[spinjitsuburst]

no cuz i spent half my shift last night thinking about bruise sky/land parallels and how it happens at least twice in the show and then i got home from work and crashed before i could articulate

what do you mean there's two traumatic instances of jay being in the sky while cole is below him what do you mean cole had to watch jay get kidnapped while helpless on the ground and jay had to watch cole plummet to the earth while helpless in the sky. what do you mean their elements are literally the sky and the earth. what do you mean they did that

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DO IT TWICE THEY MAKE ME ILL

#also the agony i didn't remember cole reaching for jay in skybound. sickening why would they do this to me i yelled #also the fall STILL HURTS #I HATE IT HERE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #no i spent like two hours thinking about this while closing last night. then i got home and died #thinks about them thinks about them thinks abo #jay #jay walker #cole #cole brookstone #ninjago #lego ninjago #skybound #march of the oni #bruiseshipping #spinjitsu screams #SNIFFLES.........

[yashley]

"Yeah, but we talked about it and I didn’t want it." "Why not?" "Because it scared me."

#critical role #ygifs #cr3 #fearne #she got me fucked up #her leaving her treasured cherished postcards at the altar of the raven queen where so many memories are left #leaving the one thing that had been her lifeline and her hope. the most important thing to her and she leaves them behind #because they weren't what she thought they were. #her innocence growing into sadness and that's the reason why she feared the dark versions of herself #because she was sad and angry and alone #this faun wearing her heart on her sleeve and running from what hurts her and it's just. ms johnson i'm #''do you think it’s the world changing you or do you think it’s you changing in the world?'' ''yes.'' girl i'm on my knees #I couldn't be more grateful fearne continued from exu this growth hurts so so so good I'd die for her #fearne angry? delicious. fearne sad? delicious. fearne tits? del- #fearne this episode you can really taste the If I'm Not Pleasing People It's My Fault When They Leave and it bit me

[jackshiccup]

the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return

have been perpetually rotating @bignostalgias white winter hymnal hijack inside my mind palace like rotisserie chicken i adore this life-changing au to the core my bones and teeth ache badly from thinking about them <3

#*BANGS POTS AND PANS* THATS RIGHT FREAKS ITS JACKSHICCUP ART WE ARE SOOOOOOOO BACK #EVERYONE SAY THANK U EMMA <3!!!!! #hijack #white winter hymnal au #frostcup #jackycup #rotg #httyd #hiccup #jack frost #jackshiccup art #my art #i love them so so so bad #🥹🥹🥹😭😭😭 #pls accept this humble gift.. i hope i did them justice sniff.. #why wwh hijack is the au ever in this essay i will— #haven't drawn them in so long i was shaking holding my apple pencil y'all #also i literally spent my entire work day doing this but anyways what my boss doesn't know won't hurt him ! #if u know me from my other art acc i clearly have a weakness for open mouth laughing kisses :( #OH AND BELATED HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO U AND THIS AU

[aroaceleovaldez]

random nico power headcanon of mine is that he can overhear things through shadows, particularly if he really focuses in and listens, and if anyone says his name it'll catch his attention through the shadows no matter where either of them are.

the angsty half of this hc is that it means Nico is unfortunately extremely aware of all the negative things people say about him, because he's forced to hear it constantly even when no one else is around unless he's actively tuning it out.

the funny half is that it means Nico knows way too much gossip, and the shippy portion is that it means Nico is far too aware of when people are saying nice things about him and he doesn't know what to do about it.

#pjo #nico di angelo #riordanverse #headcanon #hc #its a very fun hc for me. there's so much you can do with it #explanation for why Nico knows so much random stuff! why he's so good at espionage! #explanation for why Nico is hyperaware of all the hurtful things people say about him and has such bad self-esteem about it! #potential use for ship goofs! it's an op power for sure when you think about it but so fun

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Thank you. I'm sorry.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #jin guangyao #lan wangij #jin ling #LWJ shifting into fight mode was so damn cool. He is always ready to start throwing hands. #It's in a way that befits someone with a bit more bloodlust that his calm demeanor lets on - but nearly always in defense of someone. #What a great synergy with his personal philosophies! see that he is a Genuinely Noble Guy time and time again! #Is is also way more hilarious and unhinged than most people give him credit for? Also yes. #Nothing and no one ever said he did not or would not rip off JGY's hat mid-fight. I think LWJ needs to snatch more wigs LITERALLY. #Yes I'm delaying the part where I have to address the emotional turmoil of Jin Ling stabbing wwx. It gutted me terribly. #What is worse that realizing that someone you respected has done horrible things #than discovering someone who did horrible things being a kind and trustworthy person? #What is more horrifying that realizing other people are extremely complex and cannot be categorized into black and white? #When people hurt us or our loved ones we very much want to make them out to be irredeemable monsters. But they are not. #It is not actually such a terrible fate to just be a person. To be forgiven and forgive is possible. To change is possible. #This lesson is hard. It is something you have to actively challenge yourself to do. Black and white is the innate path to go down. #And its *why* I love Jin Ling so much. He is the character who fights the longest and hardest to challenge social and personal beliefs #He gets a pass for stabbing wwx for being so deliciously conflicted and tormented by it. #And with wrists THAT limp I can't imagine the wound was particularly deep

[sysig]

Chewtoy (Patreon)

#Doodles #Handplates #UT #Fellplates #Gaster #Papyrus #Sans #Squeeze him - he makes a squeaky toy noise #Everyone needs to bite Gaster! He doesn't yield like flesh so it probably doesn't even hurt right? Yeahhhh he'll be fiiiine #There is something very funny to me about him just sitting there and taking it tho lol - feeds into his martyr play ♪ #As if I don't already have a favourite martyr hmmm don't worry about it lol #What was he even doing why is he just letting 2-P bite him lol #Socialization? That's not a good thing to just let him do! He's still got a young mind! Boundaries are important #He does offer a way out - hehe ♫ - but he doesn't enforce it! You're setting them up for failure #Hehehehe #The bone gift was fun to doodle hehe ♪ He leaves it with him and it goes completely untouched while his arm is covered in teeth-marks pfft #Even with Papyrus a bit more unruly I still like to imagine he acts mean in largely harmless ways haha #Like yeah he's being naughty and biting when he knows better and offered other options - Gaster. Gentle enforcement - but he's not Hurting #He's not using his entire bite force - probably lol or he's just got weak little baby bites (though those can be quite painful!) #Sans on the other hand would absolutely go 100% full power - and still only do 1HP lol what an unfortunate design quirk for him #If only he had a jaw he could open! He'd bite the heck outta Gaster! Alas #I do like to imagine Fellplates!Sans has just fast-tracked to classic's conclusion of ''You suck and I hate you. Die'' about Gaster lol #Even the possibility of not being mean to him is so alien! What do you /mean/ not hurt you?? Do you know who you're talking to?? #He'll find another way to mess with him in good time haha

[p4nishers]

there's something i need to say and yall can boo me for it but deep in my heart i'll always know i'm correct: crowley already forgave aziraphale. like already would take him back at one flutter of his eyelashes. that's all.

#do i wish he wouldn't forgive so easily (tho i don't actually think aziraphale needs forgiveness since he didn't do anything wrong and #actually without his decision their love story would've been stuck as it was for more than 6000 years and also heaven would never change #without someone dismantling it and making it new) #yes i do wish that and i also wish he'd learn self worth but we gotta be realistic here he never once been able to stay mad at aziraphale #all those times they had fights where aziraphale was (mostly) in the wrong and rejected crowley what did crowley do? immediately come #CRAWLING and BEGGING back like pls yall this is why i don't read post s2 fics bc everyone suddenly seems to forget their whole canon #personalities and history w each other and it's annoying me so much like i get that we all are hoping crowley learns from his mistakes and #stops being so easy for aziraphale (not me tho) but realistically speaking it's just not gonna happen and once again aziraphale DIDN'T. DO. #ANYTHING. WRONG. yes he hurt crowley with his decision but CROWLEY HURT HIM WITH HIS TOO so if yall wants an apology dance it's gonna turn #into a waltz cause they'd both need to do it #good omens #good omens s2 #azicrow #crowley #aziraphale #aziracrow #ineffable spouses #good omens season 2 #ineffable husbands #go s2

[taikk0]

the unspoken broflovski family curse

#added the doodle late oops #taikko art #dont ask me what happened to my old sketchy painted ish style when i first started making sp art #did you know?? that i enjoy?? not? hurting??????????? #its south park let me take it easy ugh finally i can draw in a style thats easy rottmnt artstyle kicked my ass #'why is kyles son wearing a different outfit?' i headcanon that kyles daughter is actually wearing hand me downs from him!! #i desperately need confirmed names omfg #I LOVE CHARACTERS WITH BARELY ANY CHARACTER TO THEM!! IT MEANS I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!! #me when i get to slap personalities and headcanons on characters that were on screen for less than a minute <3 #i need to read peoples headcanons on them please im so uncreative and i need to eat i am NOT self sustaining #south park #south park art #south park fanart #sp fanart #sp art #sp fandom #south park fandom #south park post covid #sp post covid #post covid #kyle #kyle broflovski #sp kyle #south park kyle #pc kyle #post covid kyle