#whoever is the most overpowered character in any given universe

[themotherofhorses]

or else they better dig two | b.b.

summary: the man standing before you was not your husband. not in the slightest. However, he was sorry. so fucking sorry. his white eyes showed you that. 

pairing: bucky barnes x wife!reader

warning(s): angst, major wounds, kinda zombie!bucky?, main character/variant death, the ol’ winter soldier but 10x worse. bucky’s variant is from earth-807128 and, lemme tell ya, it is absolutely brutal in that universe.

a/n: um, yea, well, decided to give this a try. it’s short but simple. inspired by The Band Perry’s “Better Dig Two”.

It had been almost two months since you last seen your husband. Five weeks since he went complete radio silent. And thirteen days since his identification marker disappeared off the grid. 

You were quite concerned, to say the least. 

A few times would Bucky not answer for days at a time. The longest was five weeks, but that was before he sent you a surprised "I'm coming home bby" text, and his tiny bright-red marker sparkled as he grew closer to both New York and you. 

But his ID marker had never disappeared off the S.H.I.E.L.D intel atlas. Not once during his entire career as an Avenger/S.H.I.E.L.D agent. That’s why you knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

You could feel it, deep in your bones. It made you feel a little sick.

Nick Fury was instantly made aware of this situation. He spent ten minutes just staring at the screen before directing both Steve and Sam to pack up. They would be deployed to Bucky's last known location and do a thorough areal search. It could be several reasons why he isn't showing up anymore, Maria Hill murmured, From a possibly fatal wound to an enemy ambush. 

"Don't worry," she said with a tight-lipped smile that did not reach her eyes, "We'll find him. Or, better yet, Steve will. Cap would not allow his best friend to vanish off the face of the earth again. You know that. I know that. Everyone in this compound knows it."

With nothing really left to do, you wished Steve and Sam a bit of good luck and assured them that you’d update with anything new that came up in the database. It would take them roughly eight hours to reach Belgrade. Time was ticking. You felt nauseous. 

Three days later, you received a much-needed update that didn’t do anything to alleviate your fears. Bucky's S.H.I.E.L.D-issued backpack was dug up near a desolate cabin within the Molin Forest. Scrapes of dark blood splattered the cabin's flooring, along with the most overpowering and appalling smell. It smells like a...like a dead body, Sam stated, covering his nose. Beside him, Steve dropped his head. 

Tony left the room and Natasha threw her arms around you, holding you close as you wailed. Fury gave them the choice: come back home or search for the body. 

They chose the latter. But they could not locate the remains of your husband. of your Bucky.

You felt nauseous again. 

It had been almost three weeks since then. Condolences begin to pile in. “I am so sorry…It must be so devastating to lose your husband…To be a widow this young…If there is anything I can do….” 

Then, the U.S. Army reached out, requesting if you wish for your husband to be buried in Arlington. 

“He’ll be laid to rest alongside other members of the WWII Howling Commando Unit. There will be a plot next to him, reserved for you as his wife, of course.”

It was almost too much to take. 

You want to scream and shout and cry because your husband is not dead, dammit. 

To take your mind off of the most… recent issues, you decide to tuck yourself away inside your bedroom and reorganize the closet. On the left side, your clothing. On the right, Bucky's. You color-coordinated his Henley's and straightened up his boots, wondering if you should polish them as well. 

No. Bucky prefers for his boots to be scuffed up. He likes to see the tiny scratches when the sunlight hits them. They’re like ‘little badges’ as he jokingly says. 

You leave them alone and move on to the next. 

As you're folding away shirts into the dresser, you hear a slight stumble outside. It sounds like someone almost tripped. You immediately stop what you're doing and listen. The footsteps are heavy against the hardwood. You could recognize them from a mile away. 

"Bucky!" You shriek, feeling like crying from utter relief as you run towards him. "For the gods' sake, Bucky! You fucking terrified me! Where were you-" You suddenly stop in your steps, eyes widening in horror.

“Bucky?” 

It's Bucky. But it's... it's not your Bucky. 

Your hands are quick in an attempt to trap the ghastly scream that escapes your mouth. Somewhere, in the background, you can hardly make out FRIDAY asking if you require immediate emergency assistance. 

It won't help, you think. It won't do jack shit. 

Because Bucky is standing before you, 6′ft or so in the Winter Soldier suit.

Thick, ebony leather from neck to toe, with numerous weaponry and devices strapped to his waist. One thigh holds a pistol, his back carries another. His old metal arm, the one with the red star, hums with electricity. Over his mouth is the same black muzzle, which hides away the majority of his face. It leaves just his eyes to be seen, a pale white that is practically blinding.

“Bucky...”

A fat tear drips down your cheek as you take notice of the pitchfork buried deep in his chest. It's still fresh, blood trickling onto the floor. It matches the dried red along his scalp. 

Yet, despite all his injuries and everything, Bucky stands motionless, every so often a twitch in his shoulders. 

"Bucky...Oh, gods, what did they do to you, baby?"   

He blinks, once, twice, four times. You stand, hushed, as you await his next move. Then, the skin between his brows creases, and he mumbles something. It's muffled, it's weak, yet you can hear it perfectly.

It's your name. 

"Kill me. Kill me. Kill me..."

"Do it. Do it. Do it…" 

"Please. Please. Please..."

You cannot move, nor can you think. Instead, you feel that familiar urge to suddenly vomit. When he sees that you haven’t done anything, he recites his pleas, each one a massive stab at your heart.

"Kill me. Kill me. Kill me..."

"Do it. Do it. Do it…" 

"Please. Please. Please..."

You take a deep breath, biting back a large sob. In the back, amongst the walls, FRIDAY lets you know that Steve, Sam, Natasha, and Clint are rushing their way up to your floor.

“Do not worry, Mrs. Barnes. An on-site emergency medical team is on its way. ETA five minutes.”

But you know that any attempts would all be in vain. 

There is no saving this Bucky, whoever he may be with these white eyes. You hope Steve will understand when he enters and sees the aftermath. Maybe he will if he realizes that this Bucky wasn’t yours, you tell yourself as you reach for the gun at your side. 

And this would’ve been your last choice in any scenario given.

"I’m so sorry but I won’t have you endure this any longer. I’m better than that. I know it’s painful. Don’t worry, though, I will avenge you. Steve will avenge you. We‘ll all avenge you.” You raise your gun, finger heavy on the trigger.

He makes a deep drawl that kind of resembles a Steeevvvieee?

You nod, blinking back tears, “If we meet again, I beg you, please forgive me...”

A second later, Bucky collapses to the ground, forehead wet with new blood.

“Th...Thankkk...Yooouu...”

You have to remind yourself that this wasn’t your Bucky. Your Bucky isn’t dead on the floor with a bullet in his brain and a pitchfork in his chest. He’s gonna come back, you repeat, rocking yourself back and forth as you eye all the blood pooling around the body.

That wasn’t him. 

It was not. 

He’s gonna come home. 

Or else they better dig two.

#marvel cinematic universe #the avengers #avengers imagine #mcu bucky barnes #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #marvel’s what if #the winter soldier #the winter soldier x reader

[anyrchyangel]

ATLA/MDZS

I never post here but here goes anyway xD

So ATLA has one of the best established “world rules” of any fictional series--imo it’s on par with Harry Potter in that the universal rules of the series could arguably be taken and transposed onto another story entirely.

And by all that I mean Avatar: the Last Airbender is rife for crossover material. So let’s go:

MDZS has some of the most complicated characters I’ve ever read--Wei WuXian and Jiang Cheng are arguably the most “human” characters I’ve ever read about, and I mean that in the best way possible. Jiang Cheng’s pride makes him so complex and yet so very relatable, and Wei WuXian’s self-sacrifice isn’t the most the relatable, but it’s mesmerizing in its own way and his journey of self destruction in the name of his morals and ideals is...breathtaking. Anyways, what I mean by all this is that MDZS characters are the perfect characters to put into a new world--a world with, say, amazingly establish “rules” like ATLA :3

You following? xD

So hear me out:

In ATLA, it’s mentioned by Iroh (Knower of All Things and Wisest of Firebenders) that the waterbenders are bound by a tight knit familial connection--that their bonds to family is what allow them to thrive in places as harsh as the North and South Poles. Familial piety is extremely important to JC and and Jiang Sect, so here’s my proposal:

YunMeng Jiang Sect as the most famous waterbending “tribe” (I don’t think waterbenders need to seclude themselves in the North and South Poles, and for this crossover I would most likely use the MXTX-verse Ancient Chinese map; but it is important to note that Yunmeng is canonically a port city/waterway intermediary) and the Jiang family is famous for producing powerful waterbenders. However (stay with me, it’s getting juicy now :3), Jiang Fangmien is canonically in a...rather unhappy marriage with Madam Yu of the  Ziyuan sect (her sect isn’t mentioned a lot in the novel, but let’s give it a little oomph, shall we? :3). 

What if we made Madam Yu and the Ziyuan sect famous firebenders, ones known most notably for their (hehe wait for it) purple lightning (you see where I’m going with this, right?). Madam Yu is a very interesting character but I think her effect on Jiang Cheng is even more interesting than her characterization. Madam Yu made JC believe that Jiang FengMian found JC lacking--that JC doesn’t understand the Jiang sect motto or what it means to be a true Jiang; let’s take that and amplify it. Let’s make JC a firebender and take after his mother--and even bigger and louder sign that JC and Jiang FengMian are intrinsically different.

If that wasn’t enough, let’s add some extra spice to this juicy tale (I’m enjoying myself so much right now xD): let’s make Wei WuXian a prodigal waterbender, descendant from two famous waterbenders (who had the same relationship with Jiang FengMian as they did in MXTX canon--and also their unfortunate ends). Which means that JC grew up with a waterbending master whom Jiang FengMian adores. Oof, poor JC--no matter how well he excels are firebending (come one, not everyone can produce lightning, especially not purple lightning! JC is a baddie too! ;A;) it will never matter to Jiang FengMian because...he’s not a firebender. He respects the element and its benders (his wife is a baddie too) but he’ll never love it the way he loves waterbending. That right there is some yummy angst and inferiority complex :3

So if WWX is a waterbender, you know for an absolute fact I’m gonna have to make him a bloodbender--come on, the parallel is like right there. 

But what about our honorable Hanguang-Jun? Don’t worry, I didn’t forget him :3 I think the Gusu clan would make excellent airbenders--their love of music and...well, their asceticism translates well to the nomadic and spiritual airbenders of ATLA. Aang was literally descendant of monks. Buddhist monks. LWJ’s ancestor, Lan An--who founded the Lan sect--was also a monk who (and correct me if I'm wrong, my MXTX-lore is...well it’s good but everyone makes mistakes) descended from heaven and found a partner to cultivate with (very romantic :3) and spend his life with.

ALSO (it gets better, I swear this crossover was meant to be [and I’m sure someone else has done it/will do it better than I ever could, but here’s my take on it]) the air nomads, at least from the temple Aang hailed from--and likely the rest of them, but I'm not sure if that’s canon confirmed--were vegetarians. Gusu dietary restrictions? Come on. It’s right there.

One more lovely little add-on: the arrow tattoos Aang is famous for? Those are given to airbending masters (fun fact, Aang received them because he invented a new airbending technique--the air scooter :3), but what if we take that lovely tradition and transpose it onto GusuLan? What if the arrow tattoos transform into cloud tattoos for the direct ancestors of the first air nomads? :3 And the guest disciples (such as Lan JingYi) wear forehead ribbons with the same pattern? This crossover was truly meant to be, I swear. 

So now we have:

 -Wei WuXian a waterbender/bloodbender (who is denounced by the world for his “heretical” and “demonic” technique)

-Jiang Cheng, a firebender leading a sect famous for waterbending with an intense inferiority complex to his shixiong (the cultivation familial honorifics are too lovely to leave out, but I will need extra research to make sure I’m using them right o.o)

-Lan WangJi, a master airbender (oh and for aesthetics, I’ll stick with the white and blue “mourning robes” of the MXTX Gusu sect instead of the...eye wateringly bright orange and yellow of the ATLA airbenders...sorry Aang, but LWJ looks downright ethereal in white and it's a crime to put him in orange) known for his love of music and righteousness. Oh and music + airbending is just ridiculously overpowered, which fits our icy Hanguan-Jun quite well, imo. (P.S. Lan Xichen is also a music lover and his Liebing is arguably just as famous as lwj’s guqin [zither? honestly I’m still confused about the difference]).

And now we need a plot to rip off :3

MXTX did such an amazing job with the cultivation world and the QishenWen sect, so why don’t we...merge the Fire Nation from ATLA with the Wen sect from MXTX? It fits better than you would think.

The Fire Nation sought to conquer the four nations under one banner (it was actually inspired by Imperial Japan in WWII) and that’s exactly what the Wen sect was trying to do (but honestly the Wen sect did a pretty...pisspoor job of it compared to the Fire Nation. Like, dude, the Fire Nation nearly won--if Aang had remained frozen for another year, the world would have been f*cked). 

The crossover wheels are turning :3 but, alas, I am riddled with writer’s block and the likelihood of this getting written is...well it’s not zero but it’s not very high either. I have a lot of other WIPs to work on >.<

So, I am sharing it with Tumblr (and,,,,idk whoever follows this account? Honestly I never post here so I doubt anyone will see this anyway but o.o whatever.) in the hopes that it either A) magically writes itself, B) inspires someone else to pick up the sad crumbs I’ve left behind, or C) somehow motivates me to work on this project. It’s by no means original--I’m sure other people have had this crossover idea, and I know I’ve seen some amazing fan art for it, but well, here’s my contribution ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

#mdzs #wangxian #modaozushi #atla #crossover #I should learn how to tag at some point #but oh well #WangXian in ATLA is hella cute #also scary BloodBender!WWX is...wayyy too seductive #water is an overpowered element btw #RIP earthbenders--maybe the LanLing Jing sect? #or Nie sect--da-ge is 1000000% an earthbender #as if I didn't ramble enough in the post #here's an insane amount of tags #Ana doesn't know how to be concise #Ana is also a living offense to the concept of brevity #Ana Fic Ideas

[welcometomyworldofbs]

Reason Number Two! {{Major Spoilers}}

Kinda goes alongside reason 1>>> The second reason why I think Nick isn’t an evil prick is because he is, by nature, a bloodthirsty, homicidal, bay-shit crazy demon who thinks nothing deserves the sweet release of death. In short- he’s the Malachai. {{but he’s not JUST the Malachai, now is he?}}

I don’t know why this is so hard for some to grasp, but I’m serious on the whole he-acts-like,-a-million-times-better-than-any-of-his-fathers-before-him-thing. 100% serious about him being a big ‘ole Malachai. If you don’t believe me, google it. Also, if you were your own worst enemy ((literally speaking)) then you wouldn’t be happy either ((read the bottom if you haven’t read CON)).

Honestly- I think it’s easier to accept the fact that he’s a special bean rather than swim in Denial River.

Sorry to be the Bear of Bad News, but Nicky Gautier is a blue-eyed demon boy who the Simi loves and wishes she could eats. It’s a thing, people.

Key words being “demon boy.” I can’t stress this enough. And for those of you who haven’t read CON yet, allow me to educate you on the big bad nightmarish hatred-infused bloodsucking demon.

1.) they are the most hateful, angry demons. Period. They don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuuudge about who they hurt. The only time they’d care is if they personally wanted you dead {which is basically almost every being}. Ever.

2.) they have always been the most feared species of demonkyn. Ever since Monakribos curse his sons, to be exact. You know, beginning of Time and stuff.

3.) they are HELLA HELLA MACHO POWERFUL!!! I mean VERY POWERFUL. like, up there with gods and such.

Major powers include: ATTENTION!! THESE ARE COPIED FROM NICK’S (CON) WIKIPEDIA!! IT IS NOT MINE ORIGINALLY! I DID NOT WANT TO TAKE THE TIME TO TYPE THIS OUT, BUT IT IS FACT CHECKED AND WHAT NOT! PLEASE DON’T GIVE ME CREDIT OR WHATEVER FOR TYPING IT! hehe…anyhoo-

-Malachai Abilities:

Demon Glamour: Nick, due to being born from a race that were the consorts and soldiers to the dark gods, has extreme charisma and very good looks.

Demon Summoning: Nick was capable of summoning Caleb to an alternate universe and back again.

Divination: Nick has a talent for scrying. This means that he can see the past, present, and future on any reflective surface, though he seems to favor his black scrying mirror.

Empathy: The Malachai, being a creature born of hatred, has empathy so that it knows how to emotionally destroy his enemies. Nick uses this ability subconsciously to help his friends.

Enslavement: Nick is capable of enslaving a demon by saving his/her life. He accidentally did this to Zavid.

Eternal Enslavement: Nick is capable of tying an enslaved demon’s geish (or essence) to his powers, meaning that the demon will always be enslaved to whoever has his powers. Adarian did this to Caleb.

Eye of Ananke Absorption: By absorbing the power in the Eye of Ananke, Nick is now able to see all possible futures, instead of only seeing what is available in the Ether.

Fate god: Nick is capable of using the Eye of Ananke, something only fate gods are capable of doing.

Fear Factor: Malachai demons are the most feared of all demonkyn.

Elemental Control: Darkness Darkness Generation: Nick is capable of controlling the element of Night (through Noir). This allowed him to defeat Alternate Thorn with ease.

Electrokinesis: Nick is capable of creating lightning bolts.

Fire Blasts: Nick has the ability to produce extremely powerful balls of flame. These seem to function similarly to God-bolts and can disintegrate a Dramonk with a single hit.

Emotion Feeding: Nick grows stronger when in the presence of hatred and malice. When he went to prison his power increased.

God-killer: Nick is a god-killer in the sense that he is capable of killing gods without destroying the universe.

Healing: When Nick first tapped into his demonic heritage, his gunshot wound healed instantly. He also seems to be capable of healing others, such as when he healed Little Simi in the alternate universe.

Hidden Fate: Fate gods are incapable of using their innate abilities to see Nick’s true fate. When Acheron looked into Nick’s future, he saw Nick happily married with children instead of his Malachai heritage.

Immortality: Nick is immortal in the sense that he will never age. Though he could be killed by severe trauma, this is highly unlikely as it will upset the balance of the universe.

Immunity: The Malachai is immune to Chthonian powers as well as Acheron’s ability to make people desire him.

Languages: Nick has the ability to understand and speak any language. This extends to the Primal Language, which most high-level gods don’t know.

Lie Detection: Nick is implied by Ambrose to have this.

Magical Physiology: Nick’s blood, bones, and organs are magical by nature and can be used in several dark spells, such as when Xenon used some of his blood to send Devus’s master away.

Malachai Form: Nick is capable of unleashing his inner demon. In this form he has indestructible armor, claws capable of ripping enemies to shreds, fangs, vastly increased strength, speed and reaction time, and wings.

Mind Control: Nick is able to directly control the minds of others. This is seen in Instinct, where he confused the paramedics as well as the police officers.

Necromancy: Nick was capable of destroying the zombies the Mortents raised with a simple incantation and it has been said that once he receives enough training, he would be capable of restoring a soul from Azmodea, something that is said to be Jaden’s specialty.

Omniscience: Due to his connection to the ether, Nick can be considered omniscient with him being able to know anything at any given time.

Perspicacity: Nick can see through all disguises. The first time this ability manifested, he was capable of seeing Acheron in his “Harbinger” form, something even other gods are incapable of doing.

Pith Point Moving: Nick is capable of moving Pith points, something the Arelim (guardians of Time and Order) believe to be impossible. It is possible that he inherited this power from Jaden, seeing as Jaden does believe it to be possible.

Poisonous Blood: Nick’s blood is poisonous to Arelim.

Power Absorption: Nick can absorb the power of other beings by drinking their blood.

Presence Shielding: Nick can hide what he is to the extent that he appears human from others. This power works on Chthonians, demons, gods and psychics.

Realm Traveling: Nick can punch a hole between dimensions. He did this to travel from Agonia to his apartment.

Shapeshifting: The Malachai can theoretically assume any form that he wants. Adarian was able to pose as a 13-year-old schoolboy and later a middle-aged convict despite being thousands of years old.

Silkspeech: Nick can manipulate others using this power. It works by targeting aspects sensitive to others, such as when Zarelda used it on Nick by preying on his low self-esteem.

Spell Casting: Nick was capable of exchanging Devus’s soul with the girl Devus killed to make a deal with his master. He was also capable of summoning Menyara from a hell-dimension.

Super Strength: Malachai demons are incredibly strong, capable of overpowering gods, even the primary ones, with ease. Adarian used to tear lesser demons to shreds with his bare hands.

Supernatural Awareness: Nick can sense the presence of other supernaturals with ease, such as when he sensed Kaziel (something neither Caleb nor Xev was capable of doing).

Telekinesis: Nick can move things with his mind. His control of this ability, as of Invision, is weak at best.

Teleportation: Nick can instantly travel to any location.

Temporal Awareness: Nick can sense when someone is altering time. He can also see any changes made to the timeline, seeing as he remembers both the altered and the unaltered timelines.

Sephiroth Abilities:

Burning Light: Whilst trapped in Azmodea without his Malachai powers, he destroyed a portion of Noir’s forces by becoming engulfed in light. Since Malachais are creatures of darkness, it can be assumed that this stems from his Sephiroth heritage.

Healing: Malachais are incapable of healing, so it can be assumed that Nick’s ability to heal Little Simi stems from his Sephiroth heritage.

Other Abilities

Courage: Nick is capable of overcoming his fears and stand up to beings like Acheron, Noir and Thorn.

Indomitable Will: Nick is capable of maintaining silence under torture (as seen in Illusion when Alternate Acheron made him fight in gladiatorial-like matches against an Aamon).

Intelligence: Nick’s intelligence has been commented upon by numerous characters throughout the series. He got perfect scores on the admittance test to St. Richard’s, which is a very prestigious school.

——END FOR NOW——

If you didn’t take the time to read all that, I understand. BUT DO YOU GET IT NOW?

Notice the words SEPHIROTH POWERS above. That’s right. He’s not just a demon. He’s not just annoying and stubborn. HE’S ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Not so unreasonable for “no reason” anymore, huh? If you still think he’s an A-hole, I get it still. He really REALLY can be. But he can also, and should be according to history, be a billion times worse.

More to come later, but this post is hellaciously long enough.

#chronicles of nick #nick gautier #ambrose malachai #acheron #dark hunters

[saviorgoddessastrid]

How To Write An Interesting Deity

So, I get some commentary about how Astrid’s an incredibly well-written deity OC, and I have a couple of friends who I talk to about our mutual frustrations with how folks generally RP or just write deity OCs.  Given how I am a guy who wants others to improve, I’m going to detail how to come up with a deity that folks are going to be actually interested in.  Fair warning, this is a lot simpler than it sounds, and most of it is going to be under the cut due to the length.  So, let’s begin, shall we?

So, when we talk about gods that are being written by folks, there’s a general set of pitfalls you’ll see people fall into, what I shall refer to as The Classic Blunders.  These are pitfalls you see almost everybody who writes a deity do, and they‘re mistakes you should probably avoid if you want your deity to be interesting.

Classic Blunder #1: The Power Fantasy.

Let’s not kid ourselves here, deities are an easy Power Fantasy to write, because gods are inherently overpowered beings and you can easily excuse their OPness under their divine status.  However, consider this: Everyone and their mother knows this fact, and is using it for that very purpose.

With this Classic Blunder, you commonly see folks creating a deity with the express purpose of being The Strongest(tm) and having little personality outside of Being The Strongest(tm).  This isn’t exclusively a mistake done by deity writers, and honestly it speaks more of one’s inexperience with RPing than it does their actual OC when it’s committed.  These deities all have a single purpose: Be as ludicrously overpowered as possible, and shit on everyone else and get away with it because they’re a god and they’re taking the shit on mortals.

This may seem entertaining in the short-term, but frankly, folks aren’t going to be interested in a character who is, by all measurements, arrogant, selfish, and prone to destroying anything they want on a whim just because they can.  While some folks might find entertainment in the Power Fantasy, for those of us who like good characters, this becomes an extremely frustrating topic because the vast, vast majority of deity OCs are built with this purpose in mind.

I’m not going to say not to make your deity powerful, because that is part of the purpose of gods, to be something greater than a mortal.  However, instead of having your deity abuse their power and shit all over everyone else, consider the following: Instead of focusing on what they can do, focus instead on what they should do with that power.

Here’s a classic example: Folks like to ask, “If God is all-powerful and benevolent, why doesn’t He just cure every disease possible?” And while yes, the vast majority of deities could easily obliterate every possible disease out there in an instant, the long-term effect of such an action is a net-loss.

In curing every disease imaginable, not only are people left with weaker immune systems, medical science is rendered irrelevant.  No new cures and breakthroughs are invented, and people have less reason to actually treat themselves when something does happen, because they have a god who has already set precedence that they can and will cure their diseases and injuries for them.

Their followers learn nothing, and ultimately slip backwards and become reliant on their god’s power to solve everyday problems because there is precedence for such a thing.  That is not a beneficial thing in the long run, and gods, being totally immortal, will live to see the lasting harm of their actions.

Unless your god’s shtick is explicitly being evil or uncaring, your god is probably going to be concerned with the long-term ramifications of their actions, since they will live long enough to be concerned by them.  And if they’re uncaring, they’re less likely to want to involve themselves in trivial mortal affairs.

That’s an important aspect to consider.  Gods think bigger and broader in scope than mortals do, and while they have the power to change reality, whether or not the should do that is a matter of debate.

Classic Blunder #1a: Hostile Divine Negotiations

This Classic Blunder is related to the first one, and like the first one, tends to be the result of inexperience more than anything else.  This Classic Blunder is mostly for crossover material.  In particular, two gods interacting with each other across universes.  A lot of folks who write Power Fantasy deities like to look down on other deities and make it very apparent they don’t approve of the other.

It is important to bear in mind that gods are petty, selfish creatures prone to spiting whoever offended them at a moment’s notice.  Every god knows this, and even if your god is extremely powerful, they will also know that every deity has a number of allies at their back.  Remember, a good chunk of bad things that happen to mortals in mythology are the results of them insulting the gods in some fashion and suffering payback, which the gods are happy to inflict.  There’s no reason to believe that the gods won’t do the same for another god not of their pantheon (or even of their pantheon, depending).

As such, if your deity is going to waltz on in and start insulting another deity because you view your god as arbitrarily stronger, recognize that you’re pretty much going to, at best, get an annoyed god that wants you to go away, or at worst, an interdimensional pantheon war, which is a horrible result because war between gods is never pretty, and your god will stand to lose a lot as a result of these shenanigans.

As a result, no matter how powerful your god is, it’s generally wiser to have your god be at least neutral in tone around other gods.  They may have their issues, but few gods would be reckless enough to insult another god and risk a war between pantheons, because even if they’d win, they’d lose more than they’d gain.

Classic Blunder #1b: Omnipotent Jackass

This one’s also related to the first one of Being The Strongest(tm), and this one is mostly about goddesses, particularly omnipotent goddesses.  This one I see less often in RPing than the others, so much as writing, but it’s a thing that happens sometimes.  I’ve noticed that several people who write omnipotent goddesses tend to have their goddess simply abuse their power, warp reality to their leisure, and be treated as the sexiest woman alive as a result of their power.

However, these sorts of characters are, to me at least, much less appealing than kind-hearted goddesses, because when you read between the lines, these characters come off as cruel, selfish, and self-centered, caring about nobody but themselves and willingly using their power to do whatever they damn well please, knowing that nobody can stop them.  I can see some level of appeal in it, but I’d rather someone who has infinite power be restrained in its usage because then I know I can talk with them without them turning me into a footstool because they’re bored.

This doesn’t necessarily apply purely to sex appeal either, though it tends to be used for such, but any god who abuses their omnipotence to no end can fall into this particular Classic Blunder, especially if they’re doing it just because they can.  The only real thing I can say here is that, unless you’re deliberately making your god uncaring about anyone around them, it’s probably better that they show at least some restraint in their power usage.  It’s not very fun to have someone who’s omnipotent constantly warping reality to their leisure and being a dick to everyone, at least, for those of us who don’t find that stuff attractive.

Classic Blunder #1c: Amoral God

This topic is closely related to Omnipotent Jackass, but has a few distinctions.  Amoral God largely has to deal with gods who are intended to be Lovecraftian in design.  The problem is that these gods end up as a case of “all the power in the universe, and no personality to back it up”.

The idea behind Amoral God is that they operate on an entirely different set of morals than mortals, and thus are beyond mortal comprehension.  What you typically get instead is a god that simply does what they please and has no discernible motives for anything except “It Amused Me”.  These gods are extremely boring to work with because they just don’t seem interested in anything except what personally interests them, and end up being extremely one-note in personality even when you’re trying to make them interesting by making them unlike other human gods.

The only real thing I can tell you here is that vagueness does not equate to substance in and of itself.  You need to go with something greater than that if you wish to be a truly interesting deity, someone who folks are going to want to learn more than that.

To give you a general tip on how to write a Lovecraftian deity: The trick with Lovecraftian gods is that their sense of morality is different from ours, but that wouldn’t make them completely incomprehensible to us.  Their actions and deeds are going to seem strange to us, but they are definitely going to be consistent in their applications.  When writing one of these gods, figure out what they view as right and wrong, and make it apparent that they view things in this manner.  Don’t just end it at “they view things different from humans, so don’t bother trying to understand it”.

Classic Blunder #2: The Christ Problem

Now, unlike Classic Blunder #1, Classic Blunder #2 is an issue that comes at you from both writers and readers.  What is The Christ Problem you might ask? The Christ Problem, as a friend of mine calls it, is the assumption that gods are inherently perfect creatures, who are either pure good or pure evil, with no room left for a middle-ground.  Mistakes made are intentional, and flaws hint at them being evil.

The interesting thing about The Christ Problem is that this is a purely Judeo-Christian view of the gods, and even then, it’s a misinterpretation of the Judeo-Christian God, who was very much a flawed figure in the Bible.  Outside of Christianity, gods have always been treated as flawed creatures, and never a perfect being.

Greek Mythology, one of the best examples of gods done right, was so memorable to so many because their gods were human.  Every god in Greek Mythology had their flaws, their vices, their virtues, and were overall no different from their own creations with the exception of power.  However, this was by no means exclusive to Greek Mythology in and of itself.  Norse Mythology had much of the same issues with the gods, that they made mistakes in a desperate attempt to avert Ragnarok and, in the end, caused the very thing they were trying to avoid to occur.

When you work with The Christ Problem in combination with The Power Fantasy, there’s a noticeable split in how it’s applied.  Many times, male deities are treated as pure good even though they are by all measurements cruel and arrogant, while female deities are treated as the purest of evils even if all their actions point to them being good people just because they made a few mistakes.

Counteracting The Christ Problem is very difficult because of how this is a Classic Blunder committed by readers just as often as it’s committed by writers.  The only real thing I can tell you is this: No religion in the history of existence has treated their gods as truly perfect, and gods can make mistakes.  As well, the idea of a god never doing a bad thing ever is totally unrealistic.  As I said, gods are infinitely more likely to care about the long game, and they will be willing to do a bad thing in the short term for a long-term gain for their followers.  Just remember: All the most interesting gods out there got that way because they made very human mistakes and are all the more relatable because of it.

Classic Blunder #3: Where The Religion?

This one’s a more minor nitpick, but I noticed that a lot of deity OCs don’t actually touch up on one of the most important aspects of gods: Their religion.  There’s a lot you can do to craft a god’s personality by just figuring out their religion.

The vast majority of deity OCs never mention their religion, or if they do, it’s only in passing and never given some actual detail.  Religion is perhaps one of the most important parts of a god, because religion is typically how gods interact with their mortal followers.  Really, if you’re going to write a deity OC, you should really think deeply about what your god teaches to their followers and what they believe in.  There’s a lot to cover on that topic alone.  And developing a god’s religion will help you develop their personality.

When it comes to deity OCs, developing the religion is entirely optional.  Many deities can get by without any actual worship, and even if they did need it, not every god is directly involved in their faith.  You rarely see other mythologies delve into how exactly one should worship the gods and make it a key factor of the gods (most simply leave it at “respect the gods or else”).

However, if you’re stumped on where to take your deity and what you want them to be personality-wise, it would be quite beneficial for you to contemplate their religion.  Consider what aspects your deity represents and what they teach.  For instance, many War Gods are all about battle in some format, while a Sun God is typically about...well, the sun and the warmth it brings.

You need not develop an entire mythology around your deity, simply consider what they teach, what they represents, and how their domains affect them as a person.  Many gods are interested in assuring that their domains remain unchallenged and that they can continue to grow in power as they work.

What to do to make your deity stand out?

Honestly, I know that this sounds like a lot of explanations, but frankly, it all boils down to one thing: Give your gods a genuine personality outside of their raw power.  How do they view their worshipers? Do they love them like they would their own children, or are they distant from their followers? Do they get personally involved with their faith, or do they leave their worshipers to their own devices? For that matter, what does your god do when confronted with followers who use their faith as a shield against criticism and commit horrible misdeeds that go against the god’s own teachings?

If you can give your god a genuine personality that is about more than just having raw power, then you’re well on your way to creating a fascinating deity that truly stands out among the rabble that other deity OC writers come up with.  And I assure you, folks will be infinitely more interested in interacting with your deity if they can be taken as something that seems human, despite all of their divine power.

In regards to a god’s power, the best thing to do is leave the limits defined, but the powers vague.  You’ll notice in a lot of other mythologies, the gods tend not to have their powers spelled out for everyone in plain lettering, they simply give them a defined limit, and leave the rest up to one’s imagination.

Where To Start?

If you wish to write a truly interesting deity OC, I strongly suggest studying ancient religions, particularly Greek Mythology, though by all means, don’t feel it necessary to restrict yourself to it.  Any religion can serve as inspiration, as long as you use its ideas respectfully, and while I myself love a good Greek Myth-inspired character, every other religion out there has something interesting to bring to the table.  Pick up on the quirks and traits that the gods of other religions demonstrate outside of the Christian faith.  See how the god’s domains influence them as people, and what they teach to their followers through their myths.  You’ll find that it’s much easier to write an interesting god than you might think if you study how other religions did the topic.

Above all else: Don’t rely too much on your god’s raw power.  Once you get to the point where your god can create planets with their mind, any higher and you’re basically just saying they’re fully omnipotent.  There’s little reason to boast about a god’s accomplishments, because every god is well beyond what mortals can do, and we don’t read about gods to see them constantly boasting and belittling others.  We read about them to see the unique challenges they face, and see how their very human flaws result in them committing terrible mistakes out of selfish reasons.

Gods are, by far, one of the more interesting topics to write about when you work with more than just a bland power fantasy.  Really, you should try it sometime, you might find it to be more interesting and worthwhile than Power Fantasy OC God #5731257532652.

[fromdirectorlanawachowski]

Honest and Unmerciful Infinity War Thoughts

TL;DR: it was absurdly bad and marvel should be ashamed of putting this out.

I’m going to preface this by saying I freely admit I’ve had no love for the MCU ever since Iron Man 3. Their casting leaves a lot to be desired, their writing leaves a lot to be desired, their directors choices leaves a lot to be desired. Their story elements are picked up and cast aside almost immediately, like a four year old trying to play with all his Hot Wheels at once.

That said, after Homecoming, Ragnarok, and Black Panther, I felt like the series was on its way back to, if not greatness, then certainly a point where I could enjoy it again, rather than see the glaring holes where a better story could have been told by better hands.

And then Infinity War happened.

Right away the opening was a shambles. Completely renders the hope spot ending of Ragnarok moot by killing off the Asgardians, save Thor. A casual reference is made later to “Thanos killed half my people and my brother”, but unless he took prisoners, I don’t think you can survive your space ship being blown up.

Also Heimdall went out like a bitch. We’ve known for years now that they had no idea what to do with the guy who could see everything, but pinning him down so he can be stabbed five minutes in was callous.

Loki’s death was a long time coming. I enjoyed that. I’m grateful.

The Children of Thanos mumble half their lines, but they also exposit half the plot, which is an unfortunate combination. They’re also the pinnacle of locking out the casual moviegoer. If you don’t know who these people are from the comics, you won’t be told. You’ll spend two and a half hours wondering where these people came from and why we haven’t seen them sooner

Thanos ends the opening two gems up, so tension is immediately drained from the rest of the movie. We know every fight is going to be a curb stomp battle with him winning.

Another element from Ragnarok cast aside: Hulk is able to apparently turn back into Bruce, which he does immediately after falling into the Sanctum.

Wong was the best character and he was in it for five minutes (everyone else was in it for five minutes too, but his were the most memorable). I was still laughing at “I have 200 rupees so…. A buck fifty” on the car ride home.

As is par for the course with Marvel lately, no reference is made to any local heroes who might be able to help. Marvel pumps millions into its Netflix shows only to pretend they don’t exist. If I was working on them, to say I’d be insulted is an understatement.

Tony’s new nanotech suit looks like it’s made of cheap plastic, like it was a replica Iron Man suit you’d see at your local comic con.

They knew no one would see Dr. Strange, so they spent a good amount of time forcing the fact that Strange had the Time Stone into your head.

Thanos’ goons escape with Strange’s unconscious body on their flying Ringolo, with Tony in hot pursuit and Peter stuck to the side. (Peter’s sole purpose in this movie, by the way, is to parrot pop culture references because the writers can’t write women or teenagers.)

Wanda and Vision (don’t even get me started on that relationship) are hiding out in Scotland, having crazy romance and giving the audience mood whiplash since we just saw New York under fire. After they get beaten up by another pair of Thanos’ goons (or possibly the same pair, none of them are especially distinct), Steve, Nat, and Sam swoop in and rescue them, jetting off for “home”.

Which is the Avengers facility in New York, where Rhodey’s only real purpose in this movie is to remind everyone about the Accords so that Steve can march in and tell Ross the Accords don’t matter, they’ll do what’s right when the going gets tough. If he’d had the balls to do that in Civil War, we wouldn’t have had the infamous Tesco Parking Lot Fight.

The Guardians pick up Thor and we get five minutes of jokes about Rocket that got old in the first GoTG movie, and jokes about Thor that got old in the first Avengers movie.

Back on the Ringolo, Peter makes another pop culture reference and they blast the dead elf looking goon out into space and get control of the ship. They’re bound for Titan. Is it a new planet? Is it Saturn’s moon? Who knows? The plot sure doesn’t.

Gamora’s tragic backstory is expanded on incredibly briefly. I don’t think Mrs Gamora’s mom ever told her not to talk to giant purple strangers committing mass murder.

Gamora makes Quill promise to kill her, in a bit of foreshadowing shaped not unlike a brick to the face. Drax does Drax things. Much as I love him, using Drax to defuse a tense scene between Quill and Gamora is old now. Please find another use for him.

Through the Reality Stone and Benicio Del Toro in a bad wig, Thanos captures Gamora and surprise! Quill couldn’t kill her.

Was this torture scene with Nebula really necessary? Or did someone at Marvel go “I don’t think they know how much we hate women, lets have Thanos torture Nebula and then reveal to Gamora that he knew the truth all along”?

Thor, Groot, and Rocket’s adventure to Nidavellir would have been better if they didn’t give the great Peter Dinklage and Thor the ungodly exchange of

“You can’t take the full blast of the star, you’ll be killed!” “You mean I might die!?” “.....yes, that’s what ‘you’ll be killed’ means.”

Also Red Skull is here, but he’s not played by Hugo Weaving and whoever they hired to replace him can’t do an accent, so the end result is less “Oh hey it’s that guy!” and more “Is this a new person?”

Gamora’s death was cruel and unnecessary and had been telegraphed from the moment we got her tragic backstory.

The Guardians, Tony, Strange, and Peter meet up on Titan (again, Saturn’s moon or what? Who knows.). Because no one is capable of talking to each other in this movie, they fight until Quill, Tony, and Peter realize they’re all human.

Quill isn’t from Earth, he’s from Missouri, because he’s an idiot now.

Thanos appears and it’s motivation time. After ten years, surely we have something great lined up. Is it Mistress Death? Is it to unite the universe under his control? A little good old fashioned megalomania? No it’s…. Overpopulation. He wants to save the universe… from overpopulation. I will henceforth be referring to him as Evil Al Gore.

The combined Guardvengers have Evil Al Gore subdued and the gauntlet is off. I REPEAT, the gauntlet is OFF. Then Nebula realizes Gamora is dead and Quill loses it, distracting Mantis from keeping him subdued and letting him get the gauntlet back on.

The battle, nay, the WAR, was literally won until they injected a little Man Pain into the script.

Strange decides to surrender because the script told him to, and surrenders the Time Stone just like that.

In Wakanda, Shuri (god bless her) is going to try and get the stone out of Vision without killing Vision while the rest of the Stevevengers plus Bucky, T’Challa, and the Wakandans try and hold off Evil Al Gore’s goons and their army of… alien attack dogs?

Shuri, after two lines in the movie, dives off screen literally never to be seen again. A tragic waste of the best character they’ve given us in at least five years.

Wanda agrees to destroy the stone in Vision’s head, and even succeeds, until Evil Al Gore, rewinds time and reassembles it. Voila, he has all six stones, like we knew would happen two minutes into the movie.

Thor beats him up but neglected to go for anywhere that might actually stop him, so Evil Al Gore clicks his fingers and vanishes and people start to disintegrate.

They try for a little tugging at the heartstrings with Peter vanishing, but all he’s done all movie is spout pop culture at me in a borderline insulting parody of teenagers, so I’m a little glad to see him go.

Evil Al Gore retires to his retirement planet to watch the sun set, but not before a vision of baby Gamore asks him what it cost. “Everything”, apparently.

Points of note:

The movie is so overstuffed with characters that everyone is barely in it. Characters literally trip over each other for screentime and lines.

There are seldom more than five main characters in a scene at once

Thanos is so overpowered right from the start that no fight scene involving him is tense at all.

What the fuck was that villain motivation

The plot has no cohesion. Things happen because the plot mandates them, not because they make sense.

The effects are good if it’s cg elements interacting with cg elements. Once a live actor or prop is introduced, it falls apart. It’s painfully clear the budget went to the cast. Just look at Bruce in the Hulkbuster at the end

The fact Marvel has no central story team is glaringly obvious.

Nobody in this movie is in character.

Overall? 2/10. Marvel really thought that was an acceptable movie to put out after ten years.

#infinity war #infinity war spoilers #infinity war critical #don't try to tell me i'm wrong #just accept marvel has you by the purse strings and go

[socimages]

Unpacking How House of Cards Represents Sex Workers

By Paige Connell and Danielle Antoinette Hidalgo on September 25, 2017

Mild Spoiler Alert for Season 3 of House of Cards

Where is Rachel Posner?

Representations of sex workers on popular shows such as Game of Thrones, The Good Wife, and, of course, any version of CSI, are often stereotypical, completely incorrect, and infuriatingly dehumanizing. Like so many of these shows, House of Cards offers more of the same, but it uses a somewhat different narrative for a former sex worker and central character, Rachel Posner. Rachel experiences many moments of sudden empowerment that are just as quickly taken away. She is not entirely disempowered, often physically and emotionally resisting other characters and situations, but her humanization only lasts so long.  

The show follows Rachel for three full seasons, offering some hope to the viewer that her story would not end in her death, dehumanization, or any other number of sensational and tumultuous storylines. So, when she is murdered in the final episode of Season 3, viewers sensitive to her character’s role as a sex worker and invested in a new narrative for current and former sex worker characters on popular TV shows probably felt deeply let down. Her death inspired us to go back and analyze how her role in the series was both intensely invisible and visible.  

Early in the show, we learn that Rachel has information that could reveal murder and corrupt political strategizing orchestrated by the protagonist Frank Underwood.  She is the thread that weaves the entire series together. Despite this, most characters on the show do not value Rachel beyond worrying about how she could harm them. Other characters talk about her when she’s not present at all, often referring to her as “the prostitute” or “some hooker,” rather than by her name or anything else that describes who she is.

The show, too, devalues her. At the beginning of an episode, we watch Rachel making coffee one morning in her small apartment.  Yet, instead of watching her, we watch her body parts; the camera pans over her torso, her breasts in a lace bra, and then her legs before we finally see her entire body and face.  There is not one single scene even remotely like this for any other character on the show. Even the promotional material for Season 1 (pictured above) fails to include a photo of Rachel while including images of a number of other characters who were less central to the storyline and appeared in fewer episodes. Yet, whoever arranged the photoshoot didn’t think she was important enough to include.

Another major way that Rachel is marginalized in the context of the show is that she is not given many scenes or storylines that are about her—her private life, time spent with friends, or what’s important to her. This is in contrast to other characters with a similar status. For instance, the audience is made to feel sympathy for Gavin, a hacker, when an FBI agent threatens the life of his beloved guinea pig. In contrast, it is Rachel’s ninth episode before the audience sees her interact with a friend, and we never really learn what motivates her beyond fear and survival. In this sense, Rachel is almost entirely invisible in her own storyline. She only exists when people want something from her.

Rachel is also made invisible by the way she is represented or discussed in many scenes.  For instance, although she’s present, she has zero lines in her first couple scenes. After appearing (without lines) in Episodes 1 and 2, Rachel reappears in Episode 7, although she’s not really present; she re-emerges in the form of a handwritten note to Doug Stamper (Underwood’s indispensable assistant).  She writes: “I need more money.  And not in my mouth.” These are Rachel’s first two lines in the entire series; however, she’s not actually saying them, she’s asking for something and one of the lines draws attention to a sexualized body part and sexual act that she engaged in with Doug. Without judging the fact that she engaged in a sexual act with a client, what’s notable here is the fact that she isn’t given a voice or her own resources. She is constantly positioned in relation to other characters and often without the resources and ability to survive on her own.

This can clearly be seen in the way Rachel is easily pushed around by other characters in the show, who are able to force their will upon her. When viewers do finally see her in a friendship, one that blossoms into a romance, the meaning that Rachel gives the relationship is overshadowed by the reaction Doug Stamper has to it. Doug has more contact with Rachel than any other character on the show; in the beginning of the series, he acts as a sort of “protector” to Rachel, by finding her a safe place to stay, ensuring that she can work free from sexual harassment in her new job, and getting her an apartment of her own. However, all these actions highlight the fact that she does not have her own resources or connections to be able to function on her own, and they are used to manipulate her. Over Rachel’s growing objections, Doug is able to impose his wishes upon her fairly easily. The moment she is able to overpower him and escape, she disappears from the show for almost a whole season, only to reappear in the episode where she dies. In this episode, we finally see Rachel standing on her own two feet. It seems like a hard life, working lots of double shifts and living in a rundown boardinghouse, but we also see her enjoying herself with friends and building something new for herself. And yet, it is also in this episode where she has leveraged her competence into a new life that she also meets her demise. Unfortunately, after seeing this vision of Rachel on the road to empowerment, more than half of her scenes relate to her death, and in most of them she is begging Doug for her life, once again reduced to powerlessness.

Every time we begin to see a new narrative for Rachel, one that allows her to begin a life that isn’t entirely tethered to Doug Stamper and her past, she is almost immediately drawn back into his web.  Ultimately, in this final episode, she can no longer grasp her new narrative and immediately loses hold of it.  In her final scenes, after kidnapping her, Doug temporarily lets her go.  She begins to walk in the opposite direction of his van before, only moments later, he flips the van around and heads back in her direction.  The next scene cuts suddenly to her lifeless body in a shallow grave.  The sudden shock of this scene is jarring, yet oddly expected, given how the show has treated Rachel’s character throughout the series.  It’s almost as if the show does not have any use for a sex worker character who can competently manage their own affairs.  Perhaps that idea didn’t even occur to the writers because of the place in our society in which sex workers are currently situated, perhaps it disrupts the fallen woman narrative, or perhaps for some reason, a death seems more “interesting” than a storyline where a sex worker has agency and takes an active role in shaping her own life and affecting those around her.  Whatever the reason, House of Cards ultimately fails Rachel and sex workers, in general.

Paige Connell is an undergraduate sociology student at Chico State University. Her areas of interest include intimate relationships, gender, and pop culture.

Dr. Danielle Antoinette Hidalgo is an Assistant Professor in Sociology at California State University, Chico, specializing in theory, gender and sexuality, and embodiment studies.

#sociology #house of cards #house of cards season 3 #tv #rachel posner

[junker-town]

WWE Extreme Rules 2017: Full rundown and why you should care

Get ready for a show with some extreme (and not so extreme) stipulations.

Welcome to WWE’s annual tribute to 80s hair band, Extreme: Extreme Rules. I briefly considered making a reference to Extreme songs in every match preview, but let’s be real, I can only stretch my knowledge of “Play With Me” and “More Than Words” so far.

Anyway, here is Extreme Rules, a show that looks a lot different than whatever WWE had previously planned for it before Braun Strowman’s elbow needed fixing. As much as we miss Braun, this Fatal 5-Way main event they have planned to determine Brock Lesnar’s next victim opponent seems like it’s going to be pretty great. So, let’s dive in.

Rich Swann and Sasha Banks vs. Noam Dar and Alicia Fox (Mixed tag team match)

What am I looking at here? Gotta admit, we’re not off to a very extreme start. A mixed tag match is a tag match with additional rules, meaning the only thing extreme about this is how many rules there are. More like, uh, Extratreme Rules, right?

...right?

Sasha Banks and Alicia Fox had beef, and Noam Dar is Fox’s plaything, so he joined in on the action. Then Rich Swann showed up to back Sasha for some reason even though Cedric Alexander has returned from injury and has previous unfinished business with ex-girlfriend Fox and the Fox chose over him, Dar.

Why you should care: The coolest thing about this match is that WWE is trusting RAW regular Sasha Banks to get people to watch their cruiserweight show, 205 Live. Mixed tag matches can sometimes be a lot of fun — see Fandango and Summer Rae vs. Emma and Santino — but that’s when they’re played with the purpose of being fun. Too often we’re getting singles matches that happen independently of each other since intergender wrestling is not a thing in WWE, and it can be a drag. Hopefully this is closer to fun than yawn.

Also, I’m sorry that by clicking that link you were exposed to Alex Riley on commentary. There is no cure.

Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship (Submission match)

What am I looking at here? Neville has been Cruiserweight Champion since winning the belt at the Royal Rumble, and has the longest reign in the title’s youthful history. Most of the time that’s just because he absolutely overpowered his opponents, but against Austin Aries, he’s had to resort to some rule-bending and cheating.

At WrestleMania 33, Neville thumbed Aries in the eye when the ref wasn’t looking. At Payback, he got himself disqualified when it appeared he was going to have to submit. So now, these two will face off in a submission match, meaning it’s a no disqualification situation where the only thing that ends the match is tapping out to a submission.

WWE.com

Why you should care: This feud has been wonderful, with both Neville and Aries bringing it every single week on the mic and even more so when they lock up in the ring. Is Aries finally going to wrest the Cruiserweight Championship from Neville here, or will Neville finally pull out all the stops — even the ones the fans he loathes like seeing — in order to finally put Aries away for good?

The Hardy Boyz (c) vs. Sheamus and Cesaro for the RAW Tag Team Championship (Steel cage match)

What am I looking at here? We’re still trying to figure part of that out. The Hardy Menz — hey, they’re adults now, and it’s not the 90s — are known for their ability in ladder matches, so when they got the chance to pick the stipulation, they naturally chose a steel cage match. So that the two big beefy dudes who recently turned heel with the express purpose of beating the Hardys to death now have a cage to assist them in their goal, I guess.

To be fair this has been a very one-sided feud in favor of Matt and Jeff so maybe they’re just trying to help Sheamus and Cesaro get back in the game.

Why you should care: Sheamus and Cesaro are dope as heck, and like 500 pounds of pure muscle and beatdowns waiting to happen to the Hardys. The Hardys are still kind of on the nostalgia portion of their return, where we haven’t been given much character other than “Hey, remember these guys? You used to like them!” — that could change with a loss of the titles, especially if, say, Jeff Hardy decides to do a reckless flip off the top of the cage instead of exiting it to win the match and retain the titles and it somehow backfires in the Hardys’ faces.

Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Bayley for the RAW Women’s Championship (Kendo Stick on a Pole match)

What am I looking at here? All you need to know about the setup is that this feud is built on the idea that Alexa Bliss keeps calling Bayley a child and Bayley’s reaction to this is to pout and stamp her feet and deny it while doing things like lashing out at Alexa Bliss with her fists or attacking her from behind. You know, mature adult stuff and not the emotional outbursts of a petulant child.

The Bayley we love might be dead, y’all. Or at least in a deep slumber, waiting to be woken by someone who can effectively write and understand her character.

WWE.com

Oh, also, there is a kendo stick on a pole and the two women are going to try to reach the kendo stick on a pole in order to take the kendo stick down from the pole and beat the other woman with the kendo stick from the pole.

Why you should care: Alexa Bliss has been incredible since showing up on RAW, awful Monday segment that WWE should never employ in any capacity ever again aside. She’s already beaten Bayley clean without cheating to take the RAW Women’s Championship away from her, so don’t be surprised if she also manages to win a match where she does not have to wrestle fair.

Or idk maybe Bayley wins and then screams “I’M NOT A CHILD” while sticking her tongue out and going “neener neener neener” to Bliss.

Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Miz for the Intercontinental Championship (No Champion’s Advantage)

What am I looking at here? So you might be wondering what the champion’s advantage is and why it’s not happening in this match. Basically, a champion can get disqualified and normally, the title will not change hands when that happens. For heels, taking away the champion’s advantage is a way to keep them from cheating their way to retaining. Ambrose is a face, though, which means in this situation, the focus is on what ridiculous things Miz has to do to goad Ambrose into getting disqualified.

Why you should care: One of my favorite matches has this same stipulation, and the heel in that situation was Christian, who is every bit as needling and annoying as Miz. He tried to get Randy Orton to beat him with a chair and slip up and get himself disqualified in a number of ways, and none of them worked... until Christian SPIT DIRECTLY INTO RANDY ORTON’S OPEN MOUTH while the two were in the corner. Orton did not, uh, take that well, and kicked Christian right in the beans as hard as he could, which cost him the title.

So, seeing how Miz causes Ambrose to similarly snap and forget himself long enough to drop the title should be great.

Roman Reigns vs. Finn Balor vs. Samoa Joe vs. Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt (Fatal 5-Way to determine No. 1 contender for the WWE Universal Championship)

What am I looking at here? Well, this is something. Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, and Bray Wyatt are former WWE World Champions. Rollins, Finn Balor, and Samoa Joe are all former NXT Champions. Finn is a former WWE Universal Champion, the first one ever, actually, and he faced off against Rollins for that belt in its inaugural match. Now all five of these dudes get to wrestle each other for the right to face Brock Lesnar at, I kid you not, an event named “Great Balls of Fire.”

WWE.com

Yeah we were probably supposed to get Reigns vs. Braun Strowman in an Ambulance Match as the main event of Extreme Rules but as dope as those two are Ambulance Matches are just okay. This is better, especially if Strowman returns from injury soon and is ready to maim whoever is in his way again, anyway.

Why you should care: First of all, there’s basically no wrong choice for the winner here. Roman Reigns vs. Lesnar would only be wrong in the sense that it’s already been a WrestleMania main event and should be again someday, so the timing is off. Rollins as a face taking on Lesnar instead of fighting him as a cowardly heel could be a lot of fun. Samoa Joe deciding he doesn’t want to be suplexed, actually, and is going to choke Lesnar out would be wonderful. Finn Balor showing that the Demon can take on the Beast even if he’s significantly lighter and shorter than Brock is a thing I need injected into my veins.

And man, even though Bray Wyatt’s shtick has gotten pretty old, him vs. Lesnar could be something special just for the weird factor.

Whoever wins this match probably isn’t beating Brock next month, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they need to lose, either. And that’s a problem for Great Balls of Fire (lol), anyway. All we’re concerned about at the moment is what should be a great main event, which, by the way, should be great.