#what the fuck does gardener mean in the shire

[welcome-to-my-bullshitery]

Things that i've noticed that no one ever talks about in LoTR

This is a huge post by the way so im putting it under a cut

you have been warned

TFotR - Book 1

'A day or two later a rumor (probably started by the knowledgeable SAM) YES. SAMWISE GAMGEE. OUR LITTLE CINNAMON ROLL STARTED A RUMOR. idk it's so funny to me

The entire paragraph about hobbits and gift giving is too ADORABLE.

Bilbo put INSTRUMENTS in PARTY CRACKERS. AND LIKE NEW ONES.

Bilbo calling Gandalf 'an interfering old busybody'

Bilbo: "You'll keep an eye on Frodo, won't you?" Gandalf: "Two eyes as often as I can spare them."

All the gifts Bilbo gave out and they all had meaning AND ITS ADORABLE

Lobelia, to Frodo: "...you're no Baggins - you - you're a Brandybuck!" Frodo: "Did you hear that Merry? That was an insult if you like." Meriadoc (Merry) BRANDYBUCK: "It was a compliment, and so, of course, not true."

Gandalf, shoving his head through Frodo's WINDOW: "If you don't let me in, Frodo, I SHALL BLOW YOUR DOOR RIGHT DOWN YOUR HOLE AND OUT THROUGH THE HILL."

That one Hobbit who had seen Ents IN CHAPTER TWO. HAL. HAL SAW ENTS AND IT WAS MENTIONED IN CHAPTER TWO. TWO.

"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?" GANDALF. WHAT THE FUCK.

Sam, freaking tf out about just being caught 'dropping eaves' by Gandalf: "DON'T LET HIM HURT ME MR. FRODO!" Frodo, hardly able to keep from laughing: "He won't hurt you."

Sam being all excited about being able to go on the adventure and then he just. bursts into tears. like.

Gildor (AN ELF) calling Frodo ELF FRIEND. ITS TOO CUTE.

Frodo, in elvish: Thanks for the food :). The Elves: HERE IS A JEWEL AMONG HOBBITS

Pippin just flat out saying he didn't want to leave Frodo any food but Sam insisted.

Frodo, about who's taking a bath first: "Eldest or Quickest first? You'll be last either way PIPPIN." GEE

Pippin, talking about Sam: He would jump down a dragons throat to save you, if he did not trip over his own feet." GEE

The ridiculous bath song. And it's Bilbos favorite. Of course it's ridiculous if it was Bilbos favorite.

Gandalf, writing in a letter to Frodo: If he forgets, I shall roast him. Frodo, four seconds later: He deserves roasting.

Sam getting mad at Ferny or someone and throwing an apple at him. AND AFTER IT KNOCKS THE IDIOT FERNY SQUARE IN THE FACE AND HE FALLS DOWN CURSING SAM JUST GOES "Waste of a good apple." AND KEEPS WALKING.

Sam, an intellectual: "What do they live on when they can't get hobbit?" AND REFUSED TO CALL THEM THEIR ACTUAL NAME AND JUST CALLS THEM 'NEEKERBREEKERS' BECAUSE ITS THE SOUND THEY MAKE

They found the trolls from The Hobbit. About the middle of Chapter 12, Flight to the Ford. The whole group thought they were real until they saw they were actually stone.

Frodo, after discovering more about Sam: "He'll end up by becoming a wizard - or a warrior!" Sam: "I don't want to be neither." OF COURSE YOU DON'T YOU JUST WANNA LIVE IN THE SHIRE AND GARDEN ALL YOUR LIFE. OH SAM.

TFotR - Book 2

At the very beginning of chapter 1 - PF COURSE SAM WAS ALWAYS THERE AND OF COURSE HE HAD TO BE TOLD TO GO AWAY AND REST. YOU ADORABLE LITTLE SHIT.

Frodo calling the Big People 'Big and rather stupid' Accurate though.

Sam holding Frodo's hand and then blushing and thEN JUST SAYS 'It's warm! Meaning your hand, Mr. Frodo. It has felt so cold through the long nights!" SAM YOU GAY LITTLE SHIT I LOVE YOU.

Aragorn: Gollum is safely kept by the Elves of Mirkwood. Legolas: *sweats*

Elrond, to Sam: "It is hardly possible to separate you from him (Frodo) even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not!" Sam, blushing (ITS SAYS IT IN THE BOOK THE LAST SENTENCES OF COUNCIL OF ELROND): "A nice pickle we have ourselves in, Mr. Frodo!" Me: Does Samwise is gay? Does SamwISE IS GAY??

Pippin, hasn't even done anything remotely wrong yet: "There must be someone with intelligence in this party!" Gandalf: "Then you most certainly won't be chosen, Peregrin Took!" Pippin: D:

Gimli: "His (Sauruman's) arm has grown long indeed if he can draw snow down from the north to trouble us here three hundred leagues away." Gandalf, channeling his inner sassy bitch(bilbo): "His arm has grown long."

>TBC im not even close to being done yet< ^^

#lord of the rings #lotr #tfotr #the fellowship of the ring #samwise gamgee #frodo baggins #bilbo baggins #gandalf #merry brandybuck #pippin took #aragorn #legolas #gimli #gimli son of gloin

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Hello! So, I mean, this might be out of the blue, ambiguous and crazy to answer (but it's something I think about a lot, and you touched upon it in a previous ask and would love your further perspective on!) but let's say, at the end of The Return of The King, Grima lived! What do you personally think his journey and path would look like from there?

Grima asks are never out of the blue - I always want them <3 Thank you so much for asking!!

--

man ok - well Grima at the end of ROTK is in a really dark place. Frodo, Gandalf et al first run into Grima and Saruman on the road near the misty mountains as the make their slow return journey from Gondor. 

As they (Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf) came out again into the open country at sundown they overtook an old man leaning on a staff, and he was clothed in rags of grey or dirty white, and at his heels went another beggar, slouching and whining. 

[...]

‘Get up you idiot!’ he (Saruman) shouted to the other beggar, who had sat down on the ground; and he struck him with his staff. ‘Turn about! If these fine folk are going our way, then we will take another. Get on, or I’ll give you no crust for your supper!’ 

The beggar turned and slouched past whimpering: ‘Poor old Grima! Poor old Grima! Always beaten and cursed. How I hate him! I wish I could leave him!’ 

‘Then leave him!’ said Gandalf. 

a man who has never been in an abusive situation in his life, clearly. 

‘One thief deserves another,’ said Saruman (to Merry), and turned his back on Merry, and kicked Wormtongue, and went away towards the wood. 

Great guy, Saruman. 

And the famous scouring of the Shire bit that everyone on here misremembers when it comes to Grima’s whole situation: 

But Frodo said: (...) But I will not have him (Saruman) slain. It is useless to meet revenge with revenge: it will heal nothing. Go Saruman, by the speediest way!’ 

‘Worm! Worm!’ Saruman called; and out of a nearby hut came Wormtongue, crawling, almost like a dog. ‘To the road again, Worm!’ Said Saruman. ‘These fine fellows and lordlings are turning us adrift again. Come along!’ 

[Saruman tries to stab Frodo as he leaves and Sam gets ready to shank a bitch. Frodo stops him saying: ‘...He is fallen, and his cure is beyond us; but I would still spare him, in the hope that he may find it.’ ...]

He (Saruman) walked away, and the hobbits made a lane for him to pass; but their knuckles whitened as they gripped on their weapons. Wormtongue hesitated, and then followed his master. 

‘Wormtongue!’ called Frodo. ‘You need not follow him. I know of no evil you have done to me. You can rest and food here a while, until you are stronger and can go your own ways.’ 

Wormtongue halted and looked back at him, half prepared to stay. Saruman turned. ‘No evil?’ he cackled. ‘Oh no! Even when he sneaks out at night it is only to look at the stars. But did I hear someone ask where poor Lotho is hiding? You know, don’t you Worm? Will you tell them?’ 

Wormtongue cowered down and whimpered: ‘No, no!’

‘Then I will,’ said Saruman. ‘Worm killed your chief, poor little fellow, your nice little Boss. Didn’t you, Worm? Stabbed him in his sleep, I believe. Buried him, I hope; though Worm has been very hungry lately. No, Worm is not really nice. You had better leave him to me.’ 

A look of wild hate came into Wormtongue’s red eyes. ‘You told me to; you made me do it,’ he hissed. 

Saruman laughed. ‘You do what Sharkey says, always, don’t you, Worm? Well, now he says: follow!’ He kicked Wormtongue in the face as he grovelled, and turned and made off. But at that something snapped: suddenly Wormtongue rose up, drawing a hidden knife, and then with a snarl like a dog he sprang on Saruman’s back, jerked his head back, cut his throat, and with a yell ran off down the lane. Before Frodo could recover or speak a word, three hobbit-bows twanged and Wormtongue fell dead. 

A sad end to a very sad life. 

-

So that’s the canon ending, obviously. A very neat, pat ending where all the baddies are dead, everyone who is broken will disappear into an asylum and/or die take a boat to the grey havens and life will move on. 

How nice. 

-

Alright, now for the speculation! My favourite thing. 

Assuming Grima lived, god knows what his journey afterwards would look like. He’s mentally (and physically) in a bad way after having been physically (and emotionally) abused and starved by Saruman for the last year/two years. Saruman may have lost his powers, but he’s still terrifying force to be reckoned with. I don’t know how much Grima would be capable of on his own in terms of survival. 

That said, Grima’s made it this far. He’s clearly got something in him that’s keeping him alive. Something in him wants to live. It might not know how to go about doing that, but it’s there, and that’s important. 

So he’s stabbed Saruman, A+ work. The hobbits don’t shoot him. The question is then: does he take up Frodo’s offer or does his fuck off into the wilderness. 

I can see him going either direction, honestly. But I suspect, given that he’s starving and in a bad way physically, I suspect he’d stay for a time. Now, considering what’s happened to him in the general vicinity of Bagend, I’m not sure how long Grima will stay, but I do think he’d rest there for a short while. Get a proper meal or two in him. Take a bath. That sort of thing. 

From there he could go to somewhere like Bree or Dale, take up a new name/new life and try and move on, as much as a person can in a world that has absolutely no support networks for people who have gone through bad shit. 

If he stayed for a longer period with Frodo? I could see Sam putting him to work. 

‘I need someone to help me garden.’ 

‘...I know about horses?’

‘Plants are easier, trust me.’ 

‘....Are they though?’ 

Considering the fact that Grima has been dehumanized (Worm; like a dog; cur) and treated as worthless/unworthy by one of the more powerful beings in Middle Earth - and one who was once Great! Who was once wise and wonderful! I suspect he’s going to have a difficult time accepting kindness? 

Frodo, of course, would be generous and understanding, because it’s Frodo and that’s the measure of man he is. Truly one of the nicest and most forgiving and tender people in the series. 

Aragorn said of Grima that if he walked out of Orthanc alive it would be too good for him. 

(Everyone is a lot meaner in the books. Funnier, yes, but also meaner. Then there’s the weird Faramir moment where he’s all up on that “Numenorian Blood Quantum Is Important” nonsense (tell that to your brother who has no blood of the Westernese in him...) There’s a lot of Oooof moments). 

Frodo, though, Frodo is one of the genuinely kind and loving people who would never think such cruel things about anyone. 

But back to Grima, I think the line Gillian Flynn wrote about how when you’re weaned on poison, it makes kindness seem like a cruelty is very relevant here. The first step to healing is allowing yourself to admit that you deserve to be healed, that you deserve love. That’s a very hard thing to allow, to acknowledge is something you are worthy of having. 

And so it would be difficult, for him, to accept kindness and gentleness from Frodo, or anyone else. But if he was doing something to “earn” it, that might make it more palatable. 

Which is a shame, since if there is anyone who understands the power and allure of the dark lord/Saruman etc. and how that can mess you up and contort you into someone you don’t recognize anymore, it’s Frodo.

-

Would Grima go back to Rohan? I don’t think so. Unless there were some wild, unexpected circumstances that brought him there, I truly don’t see him returning home. He’s torched that bridge pretty successfully - at least, I’m sure that’s how he sees it. 

Now if he did. If something Bat Shit happened - and he went back. It would be wild and very emotional.  

A Rider of Rohan, lost in the shire: I’m looking for a Mr Baggins? I understand he might know where Gandalf is? We sort of need some magic help in Rohan. 

Hobbit: Turn left at the end of the lane, go past Grubby Harold’s llama farm, stop at the intersection with the red sign, take the third exit of the roundabout, turn right, turn left, turn left again, take the second switch back up the hill, at the crest of the hill, take the path that turns left at the big tree that someone carved Fuck Lobelia into and that should get you close. 

Rider: 

Rider: Right. 

Rider eventually shows up, Grima’s out front updating Sam on some shit that Pansy Fielding said to Fardulf Braceblower, an ongoing war that has existed since the Dawn of Time. Sam is like “Please never stop telling me all the gossip, I live for this shit.”

Frodo: How did you hear about this? 

Grima: I might have set up an informant’s network but it’s solely to trawl for entertaining gossip.  

Rider approaches: Oh dear gods. 

Grima: 

Grima: Go get fucked, Gundahar. 

Sam: Friend? 

Grima & Gundahar: No. 

Anyway. The rider tells Frodo that he’s after Gandalf because XYZ is happening in Rohan and Eomer-king is annoyed and “wants it dealt with, preferably yesterday”. Grima knows what’s up because you know, resident Spook Master also he was spending a lot of time around a lore-filled Wizard. Might as well get something for the years of mistreatment. 

Gundahar: He’s not coming back to Rohan. 

Frodo: We’re going on a road trip, Sam. Let’s get packed. 

Sam: I’m so ready for this. 

Grima: But I’m not going back to Rohan. 

Gundahar: He’s not coming back to Rohan. 

Frodo: Too late, he’s coming with us. Neither of us can be left alone for too long or we go weird in the head. 

Merry: Oh we’re going to Rohan? Well, as a member of the royal court I’m coming. 

Gundahar: .... How is this happening? 

Grima: Hobbits, they move in herds. 

Pippin: WAIT FOR ME! 

Gandalf is UPSET that he has to travel with Grima. Grima says it’s mutual. He doesn’t like wizards. Especially wizards in white. He gets weird about hoarding food when Gandalf is around. 

Grima then has to visit Theoden’s grave and have a lot of emotions about everything and it’s a Lot.

I don’t think he’d stay, though. Either he’d go back with Frodo or he might go on to Gondor or out east or something. Travel for a while. 

- 

I’ve gone off on some tangents here. Ahem. 

But in general, I see his journey going in one of two directions: one where he fucks off after murdering Saruman and takes up a life somewhere else like Bree, or wherever, probably drinks too much and is miserable until he dies. 

The other is where he accepts Frodo’s offer and either just chills in the Shire being the resident gossip-monger and mischief maker (Frodo: NO MISCHIEF. Grima: we can make a little mischief .., as a treat?) or he accepts the offer, stays for a while to get back on his feet and shake off some of the darkness, then goes off to travel around. Maybe he settles somewhere, maybe he doesn’t. Regardless if he stays or goes, it is a better ending to his life than he probably hoped for or expected. 

And it shows the power and importance of kindness and love. Healing only happens if there is love and gentleness. And it’s terrifying - of course it is - but it’s so necessary. 

-

Ok I am so sorry for my dissertation on Grima. I love talking about him so much.  

Thank you!! <3 <3 

#lotr #lord of the rings #grima wormtongue #frodo #samwise gamgee #rohan #ask #reply #return of the kings #rotk

[lin-dir]

Tea Time

Bilbo x Male Reader

Summary: Bilbo flustered > literally anything else

notes: Bilbo is ooc and I apologize greatly

words: 634

-----

It was a typical day in the Shire. Bilbo had just risen from a long slumber, ready to take on the day. He takes in a deep breath before traveling down the hall and into the kitchen. It was precisely 7:32AM and he needed to get ready for the day. His best friend and long time crush, would be coming over for lunch today. That meant everything has to be perfectly done. He cannot risk any bad reactions. 

With a heavy sigh, he cooked and ate his breakfast. The pace was normal. Neither rushed nor relaxed. Once done, he quickly washed the few dishes before beginning to clean his home from top to bottom.

  You came over regularly. Nearly everyday if Bilbo was to be honest. But, that didn't mean he wouldn't do anything to impress you. Today was the day he was going to confess his feelings. Well, that is the plan at least. He said the same thing to himself the last few times you came to visit. But, as it clearly shows, each time was met with failure. 

This wasn't something easy. Not that it was frowned upon. It was more of the fact that Bilbo was certain you didn't feel the same. He feared that his friend would leave and never speak to him again. Though, he should know better by now. The two of you have been friends since you were quite young. It would be completely out of character for you to cast him aside like that.

  After hours of vigorous scrubbing, the home was finally spotless with a few hours to spare. Oh, this would be the perfect opportunity to bake Y/n that (insert fav dish) he loves! Bilbo thinks to himself as he enters the kitchen and pulls the ingredients from their respectful spots. He quickly gets to work and hums a soft tune to himself in the process.

It had just turned noon when there suddenly came a knock at the front door. Swiftly, Bilbo runs to the entrance and opens it to reveal a tall/short lad. “Oh, do come in!” He says eagerly, moving aside to let you in. “It’s great to see you.” You say smiling. Bilbo feels his heart skip a beat at the small action.

���Is that (insert dish) I smell?” You question making your way into the kitchen. “Actually, yes. I just pulled it from the oven moments before you came.” He pauses for a second before continuing. “Take a seat and I’ll get you some.”

You does as told and take a seat facing the stove. In less than a minute, the other returns with two servings and places them in front of each other. You thank him softly before digging in.

  “Oh my.” You practically moan after taking a bite. This causes the other male to blush heavily, though he is quick to hide it by excusing himself to grab water for you both

“You’ve really outdone yourself.”

“Thank you, Y/n.”

“It’s amazing, I could kiss you right now.” Your eyes widen momentarily as you realize what you had just said, your face growing bright red. Poor Bilbo. He sits there unable to catch his breath.

  "Fuck it." You say before leaning across the table and capturing Bilbo's lips with your own. The male freezes temporarily before relaxing and kissing back. The kiss lasts merely a few seconds before you two pull away. But, that small amount of time was enough to conclude your feelings for one another. 

  It wasn't until now that Bilbo lets out a huff. "This was not my plan at all." He mumbles as he realized his plan didn't go the way it needed.

"And what was that?"

"After our food I was going to take you out to the garden and confess. But-"

"But, you still won me over." You say smiling while caressing his cheek.

#bilbo #bilbo baggins #bilbo x reader #bilbo baggins x reader #bilbo x male reader #bilbo baggins x male reader

[helisol]

ye s, well

it basically came to me like a prophet receiving a vision from an angry god. you know. like brian david gilberts video ideas but with more slow burn.

no really i wrote all this down in my phone’s note app because some nearly coherent things popped up in my head every time i was on the train or bus these last few days.

(after-actually-writing-this disclaimer/note: this is 2000 words of slightly edited rambling about Bagginshield in the Afterlife. i had to put it in a read more.)

so the gist of it

the botfa goes just as in the movie with minor details altered. like bilbo kissing thorin just before he dies which inadvertently causes a ripple in time and space that makes the valar curious of them both. you know. minor stuff.

so bilbo goes back to the shire, the war of the ring goes down, and the hobbit/elf gang sails to valinor at the end. classic stuff, not much alternating of universes here.

but here’s where things turn into the “my city now” meme because DUDE DO I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS ABOUT VALINOR AND HOW THE AFTERLIFE WORKS

like, I’m sorry mister jolkien rolkien tolkien, but just putting people into a hall to await being judged like a hospital waiting room? snooze, that’s boring!

so first of all, and you can fight me on this, Yavanna Made The Hobbits And You Can’t Change My Mind.

it just makes sense for her to have been very saddened by the destruction of literally all her work on arda through melkor’s poison, so she made living, growing things that could protect themselves from harm. as opposed to the ents, by the way, which were made by Eru to protect all the other living, growing things. it was a nice gesture of Eru to make those, but not quite what Yavanna wanted or had in mind, i imagine.

as with the dwarves, Eru wasn’t all happy about the existence of another race he didn’t make but you know, whatever, ‘I’ll just let this married couple have their own kids aside from mine, it’s okay’.

so he hands both the dwarves and the hobbits independent thought and free will, but under the condition (and here is where the afterlife stuff comes into play) that Aule and Yavanna be responsible for their mortal creations after their death. meaning that both races have seperate afterlives from the halls of mandos, MEANING THAT ITS COMPLETELY FINE FOR AULE AND YAVANNA TO BE LIKE “oh look honey, these two are so very in love and remind me of us, shan’t we do something about that?”

so. they do something about that. more precisely, they rearrange their afterlife-realms so they’re next to each other and someone with enough willpower could cross through the barrier. because listen, they’re valar, they can do whatever they want just for kicks.

okay so after that tangent lets get back to the meat of the matter: gay dwarves. I know not everyone has read Sansukh, a 500k word mammoth of a fic, and I don’t really intend to copy any of det’s canon, but their version of The Halls of Mahal really inspired me. basically the dwarven afterlife is one big hunk of a mountain/underground city where they’re free to live their days until dagor dagorath doing what they do best in the company of their families and friends; like smithing, crafting, building and other JustDwarrowThings.

meanwhile the hobbit afterlife is Basically The Shire and instead of being given the materials to build things, all the hobbits who go there get to grow plants and do their gardening. they don’t have to- just like none of the dwarves have to craft stuff- since there’s always enough food for everyone, but they are just allowed to do what they do best if they so desire.

now when Bilbo arrived in the undying lands he was still Old As Hell and im sorry to put it this way, he definitely kicked the can after like, a week of living there. not really so undying, them lands, huh. anyway Bilbo bites the dust and LOOK AT THAT he’s suddenly young again, and another LOOK AT THAT he’s standing in a very comfy, but Not Quite Bag End hobbit hole that has a note hung up on the front door. you wouldn’t think gods could have handwriting but hey, again, they’re gods they can do whatever. the note just tells him that yavannah made this place special and just for Bilbo but that there’s another home waiting for him. very cryptic there, lady. he doesn’t leave at first because hey, his family is here. there’s a lot of reunions and celebrating and food because its the fucking hobbit afterlife, what else would you expect

it takes him a few days of Regular Hobbit Life in his new home to realise ‘holy shit, this is so boring’ so what does a Fool of a Took do when things get boring and there’s a note urging him to do something?

HE’S GOING ON AN ADVENTURE

so Bilbo runs through the whole not-shire, meeting all sorts of people he outlived on the way (looking at you, Lobelia), as well as some elves. because elves can definitely just waltz through all the afterlives. they can walk on top of snow, you think they wouldn’t walk around wherever they please in valinor? rip to mankind, but they’re different.

he gets to the furthest reaches of it eventually, and lo and behold, what awaits him but the view of a tall mountain, an invisible barrier and a very flustered Thorin who is at his wits end as to how Bilbo even got here.

now for thorin’s part of the story we’ll have to start after the botfa again. he basically woke up in the darkness like an episode of naked and afraid, and started talking to Aule. his maker, who loves him to bits by the way since he made thorin, just tells him he’s free to go wherever his heart takes him. again with the cryptic messages from the gods.

so thorin, still very self-loathing and bitter because of his actions right before his death, sees this as Mahal’s way of saying ‘please don’t step foot in my halls u disgusting litle creacher’, when really he just meant ‘please do some well deserved self reflecting and then come inside to be with your family, they all miss you terribly’.

after his chat with the maker thorin just spawns in right at the front gate of the mountain and he has a choice to make. go inside or stay outside. and we all know Thorin’s proclivity for drama so he basically spends LITERAL YEARS just living in self imposed solitary confinement.

oh also tiny hc here, thorin was said to have taken “any work offered to him in the towns of men”, and they showed him in a smithy, but personally I believe they meant it when they said “any kind of work”. so basically thorin is a jack of all trades, master of some. he definitely has master-level skills in certain areas though, enough to build a vaguely hobbit-hole shaped house. why is it hobbit hole shaped?

oh right, the part where Thorin is absolutely enamoured with Bilbo.

"Go back to your books and your armchair, plant your trees, watch them grow. If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”- HELLO? GAY POLICE? I’D LIKE TO REPORT A CASE OF ‘DWARF KING REALISING THAT THE HOBBIT WAY OF LIVING IS A REALLY GREAT ONE IN CONCEPT / WISHING HE COULD HAVE HAD THAT KIND OF LIFE WITH BILBO’

anyway it’s a long 80 years until Thorin does get to meet Bilbo again, and in the meantime we have one of my favorite additions to any Hobbit fanfic ever: Frerin

For the uninitiated, Frerin is Thorin’s brother. They also have a sister, Dís, but Tolkien never specified when she died and she was a bit younger than Thorin and Frerin so I reckon she’d still be alive as an old dwarf lady somewhere?

Anyway, Frerin. Oh boy. Sansukh, again, does an excellent job at turning Frerin into a character with a level of authenticity that gets real fucking close to Genuine Tolkien™, so most of my own characterisation of Frerin is based on that in Sansukh. With the important omission of the dwarves not being able to see the present/their still alive loved ones in middle earth through a magic mirror pool.

so Frerin takes it upon himself to leave the mountain in search of his brother because he really does want him back. but also because Mahal has had it with Thorin’s antics and suggests Frerin fetch him so he can finally reunite with his family. Mahal doesn’t talk to the dwarves a lot because he’s like an awkward and distant dad, but he does actually speak to them.

so Thorin is supposed to go see his family, which he does, but not immediately. it takes like, a solid year of just brotherly (and sister-sonly) companionship for him to open up about all his anxieties and regrets and THEN he goes into the mountain to cry in his mother’s lap. as you do.

however Thorin still feels like he doesn’t 100% belong with the other dwarves in there, so he frequently spends long stretches of time outside, building away at his house, thinking about Bilbo. the company goes out to visit him sometimes.

more details on the house tho, cuz it’s Important; it’s built halfway into a hill near the mountain, like a proper hobbit hole would be, but the lower levels are built into stone. look, he’s had 80 years to work on constructing this. it’s near perfect in every way for both hobbit and dwarf standards and could definitely fit the entire company and more inside.

now about the barrier. elves can pass through without a second thought because they’re shiny little bastards who just get to do all the cool stuff, but the other races can’t just hop between realms like that; they really have to muster up the willpower. which usually means they can’t do it because a drawback for both dwarves and hobbits is that they favor isolation from other races even in death, and as such don’t want to mingle with each other.

unless you’re Bilbo Badass Baggins though, who simply runs through the barrier to yell at Thorin for leaving him sad and alone for 80 years. he is that bitch.

there’s gonna be some legolas and gimli shenanigans if i can fit them in (cuz i dont know when exactly they sailed west together), possibly a mention of tauriel because bruh peter jackson did us dirty by not giving her any closure besides ‘lol i guess she’s banished from mirkwood??’ and Mairon. because. I also have some thoughts about him.

also Fili and Kili as pseudo matchmakers because every fic needs that

and did I mention there’s gonna be hozier lyrics for chapter titles

i said this was the gist of it but i somehow ended up at ~1900 words. well, more power to me.

#bagginshield #the hobbit #bagginshield afterlife au #this is the most coherent plot summary I've ever done for a fic so please enjoy the trash #also it's my sleepover and I get to pick which parts of canon i'll adhere by

[actuallyvady]

@snootch I’m just gonna make a new post so I am not spamming someone else’s post with this BUT! TOLKIEN NERD TIME!

So, the scene where Saruman dies in the movie sets up the fact that they took out my actual favorite part of the books. Like, when I saw that scene happen I went OH NO THEY TOOK OUT THE SCOURING OF THE SHIRE like, right then.

So! The Scouring of the Shire is a massive chunk of the end of the Return of the King and, I think, a thematically significant one. In the book, rather than falling to his death off the tower, Saruman escapes-- as does Wormtongue. Our heroes kind of go ehhhh? I mean they have more important things to deal with and kind of figure that he’ll be a problem later but they don’t have time for that right now.

And they’re right, he is a problem later! When he escapes, he goes right to the Shire. He knows it’s the hobbits’ fault that he lost, and he wants to fuck with them. So he moves into Bag End and starts doing his Industrialization thing to the Shire, cutting down trees and shit, and just making the Shire a terrible place. And he’s got plenty of time to do it! Because our plucky heroes have to go fight in wars and destroy rings of unholy power and then see their friend crowned high king and eventually make their way home... all of which takes a while, and the hobbits have no reason to think there’s any reason to hurry.

When they do finally get back to the Shire they start hearing about some guy named “Sharkey” and running into his human lackeys and all the changes he’s made-- most of which they cheerfully ignore. Spending the night in a guard tower where the guards aren’t allowed to feed them? That’s fine, they’ve got plenty to share, are they allowed to feed the guards? 

The best is when some duly appointed sheriffs arrive to arrest them in the morning. Just picture it: Nine-fingered Frodo, who destroyed the One Ring, Sam Gamgee, steadfast and afraid of nothing, Merry and Pippin who are both actual soldiers, of Rohan and Gondor, respectively. They’ve been on some of the worst battlefields the lands have seen this age and been through hell. And these hobbits of the Shire show up to arrest them. This leads to a hilarious sequence with our plucky heroes agreeing to be arrested since they were going that way anyway and riding their ponies while their “captors” walk along sulkily beside them. 

When they get to the Shire proper and see what has happened they don’t hesitate before joining and ultimately take charge of the resistance-- these are hobbits, they’re not all happy with the new state of things-- and it isn’t long before the Shire is taken back. Frodo, who doesn’t want to see any more death, tells Saruman to just get the fuck out of the Shire and not come back... but Wormtongue stabs him in the back, and that is what ultimately kills him-- betrayed by his pet traitor. 

And then we have to rebuild. That’s why it matters when Sam becomes the new mayor-- because he’s the one that helps rebuild. His gift from Galadriel was a box of earth from her orchard, which he used to help regrow the trees that Saruman had destroyed-- Sam the gardener helped the Shire heal. (She also gave him a mallorn seed-- those beautiful trees in Lothlorien? There’s now one in the Shire.)

The whole sequence is just... I love when stories talk about what happens when heroes go home at the end of the adventure. Merry and Pippin, battle-hardened soldiers (and unusually tall for hobbits thanks to the ents), come back and lead the other hobbits in a battle to take back their home. Sam, who was stuttering and nervous and shy, is now a confident and capable leader, and exactly what the Shire needs. 

And Frodo... Frodo doesn’t belong there anymore. The others are able to take their experiences and shape them into a new life back home; Frodo can’t do that. There is no one in the Shire that can understand what he is feeling, not even Merry or Pippin or Sam-- though Sam did bear the ring for a little while, he was not scarred by it the way Frodo was. Frodo spends a few years at home, finishing writing his story in the Red Book, but he’s not healing, the way everything around him is. That’s why he sails away in the end-- there is no place for him anymore. 

And in the movies we lost all that. We got brief glimpses of things being different when they came home, but... 

I get that it would have added another, like, hour or more to the film but I don’t care-- there’s too much that’s thematically important that was cut, I would happily tack on that extra time just to get the real ending. 

Meaningful content aside, I would sit in the theater for another hour just for the comedic value. This is what they were arrested for:

“Gate-breaking, and Tearin up of Rules, and Assaulting Gatekeepers, and Tresspassing, and Sleeping in Shire-buildings without Leave, and Bribing Guards with Food.“

I understand that reading the trilogy is an undertaking and I don’t for a moment blame people for not having done it... but the scouring of the shire is, to me, worth all the hundreds of pages of walking through forests. 

#okay i am exhausted and babbling from memory #(other than the list of charges they were arrested for i googled that) #so i probably got a bunch of details wrong and left shit out #but yeah #best thing in the damned books and forever bitter that it was left out

[garden-ghoul]

two blogs, part 8

“feeling pleased with myself because I own multiple vegetables AND a jam right now”

Just like me, the hobbits are thinking of their next meal:

OF HERBS AND STEWED RABBIT

I’m jazzed because I think my boy Faramir is gonna be in this one. The Shigeo to Boromir’s Ritsu. Anyway, there is supposed to be food and water for the scavenging in the place where our heroes are going! They have to go through Ithilien to get to Cirith Ungol, which we all must agree has a much more pleasant and scavenge-able sound than blasted hell-plains of ultra-despair. So they set off on their way! It says "a single red light burned high up in the Towers of the Teeth,” which is kind of ominous considering I don’t remember those being mentioned, ever. Maybe it’s because I was practically asleep last chapter.

Our heroes find their hearts much lightened to see trees again, and they realize that they’ve come so far south that it’s already spring here. Mm I want to figure out what the actual latitude difference is between the Shire and Cirith Ungol. Hold on a sec. It’s a north-south distance of about 800 miles (nice going guys!!), which is about the same as Boston to Charleston, SC, or from London to Madrid. In ANY case, it’s spring in Ithilien, and “Ithilien, the garden of Gondor now desolate kept still a dishevelled dryad loveliness.” What a great phrase!  really good aesthetic. Tolkien goes in an amazing amount of detail about exactly which kinds of plants there are--one assumes this is Sam POV again, because Frodo probably knows the names of about 12 kinds of plants. Gollum breathes in the strong perfume of the flowers and chokes, which is another relateable Gollum feeling. 

We also observe that even in this beautiful land there are signs of the Enemy; apparently orcs just go around carving random shit on trees, which is kinda endearing. The text describes it as “evil runes,” but come on it’s probably mostly “Yalbakh is a wanker.” “7th company rulez.”

Sam had been giving earnest thought to food as they marched. Now that the despair of the impassable Gate was behind him, he did not feel so inclined as his master to take no thought for their livelihood beyond the end of their errand; and anyway it seemed wiser to him to save the waybread of the Elves for worse times ahead.

My logistics son. He asks Gollum very politely to catch something hobbits can eat; while Gollum is out hunting, Sam just stares at Frodo’s Beautiful Chiselled Sleeping Face and mutters “I love him.” Gaaaaayyyy. Then he starts thinking of how to cook the rabbits Gollum has brought back. Hobbits learn to cook before they learn to read! This delights me greatly. I want to live in a culture that prioritizes having everyone able to cook! Gollum comes back with water and realizes Sam is going to cook the rabbits. Horror of horrors!! This is one of the cute... ish.... Sam and Smeagol interactions, because there’s barely any threats of maiming at all! Just good old fashioned cultural misunderstandings. Sam tries to get Smeagol to find him some herbs or root vegetables, by which Smeagol is Bewildered. What the fuck is taters, precious?? He huffs himself away into the forest somewhere, indignant.

Sam and his master sat just within the fern-brake and ate their stew from the pans, sharing the old fork and spoon. They allowed themselves half a piece of the Elvish waybread each. It seemed a feast.

::3

A little later Sam realizes his fire is smoking, and that someone in the forest is sloppily imitating bird calls. He hurries to Frodo’s side, and they hear some people who sound like they’re discussing Gollum. You’d think Gollum would be the stealthiest, the least likely to be spotted, but I’m guessing the Gondorians (Gondorrim?) have seen him before.

‘Nay! Not Elves,' said the fourth, the tallest, and as it appeared the chief among them. 'Elves do not walk in Ithilien in these days. And Elves are wondrous fair to look upon, or so 'tis said.'

'Meaning we're not, I take you,' said Sam. 'Thank you kindly. And when you've finished discussing us, perhaps you'll say who you are, and why you can't let two tired travellers rest.'

At least we still have Sam to be passive-aggressive to gently bewildered humans who may or may not be about to kill him. But Captain Faramir has no choice to believe that they’re from his brother’s company when they share his own prophetic dream with him. Faramir goes, I guess, somewhere, leaving two men to guard the hobbits. The guards turn out to know some kind of elven language! How exciting! Frodo realizes they must be Dunedain. Awww haha and one of them is named Mablung. Faramir’s men are here to harass a company of Haradrim who apparently serve Sauron. It’s a good thing Faramir is captain, Mablung intimates; he leads a charmed life! Nothing unlucky can possibly happen to him! ...well, depending on whether you count his brother dying unlucky. But I guess Frodo and Sam don’t actually know Boromir is dead. Faramir... might, actually? Just now, Faramir is coming back in pursuit of some guy, and--yep--he’s shot him dead full of arrows.

It was Sam's first view of a battle of Men against Men, and he did not like it much. He was glad that he could not see the dead face. He wondered what the man's name was and where he came from; and if he was really evil of heart, or what lies or threats had led him on the long march from his home; and if he would not really rather have stayed there in peace.

::( Same. Nobody wonders whether orcs are really evil at heart, though. Wonder, damn you! The battle ends and Sam goes to sleep immediately. Okay.

THE WINDOW ON THE WEST

When Sam wakes up, everyone is sitting in a circle for story time, I mean, watching Faramir interrogate Frodo. Faramir is like, trying to trick Frodo into... admitting he killed Boromir? Maybe? Frodo is just shocked to find out that Boromir is dead, but Sam is having none of this rudeness.

'See here, Captain! ' He planted himself squarely in front of Faramir his hands on his hips, and a look on his face as if he was addressing a young hobbit who had offered him what he called ‘sauce' when questioned about visits to the orchard.

SAUCE. FARAMIR, YOUNG HOBBIT. No I’ll bet Sam is actually a good bit older than Faramir. Also Faramir’s men are kind of delighted to see him being told off by this 3-foot-tall super indignant guy. But Faramir tells Sam off right back and then goes right on, though he’s marginally more polite to Frodo. He tells about finding Boromir’s body in the funeral boat. Frodo fears that this means everyone else is dead too ::( ::( “Will you not put aside your doubt of me and let me go?” says Frodo. “I am weary, and full of grief, and afraid. But I have a deed to do, or to attempt, before I too am slain.” TFW honestly. Our heroes walk with Faramir to a safehouse nearby (actually ten miles away, a long distance for short legs!) and he makes an incredibly good guess at why it sounds like Frodo and Boromir weren’t BFFs. He totally understands that Frodo can’t say any more:

'Alas! it is a crooked fate that seals your lips who saw him last, and holds from me that which I long to know: what was in his heart and thought in his latest hours.’

I love that thing where... there is something someone Absolutely Cannot Say, and everyone knows they’re talking in code and they’re in trouble over that thing. It’s not that common? Right now I can only remember it happening in Full Metal “hostage situations everywhere” Alchemist. Anyway it’s my jam. Faramir talks wistfully about how warlike Boromir always was, and how Faramir just wants to see the White Tree bloom and to see Minas Tirith at peace. I am just CONSTANTLY thinking to myself “Faramir is going to die!” and then I remember he actually survives and is happy and I’m just, utterly astonished. This happens like 3 times a minute. It’s incredibly stupid.

They get to the safehouse, which is Very Beautiful. Faramir’s men prepare some food. “Sam, not used to being waited on, looked with some surprise at the tall man who bowed, holding a basin of water before him.” [begins chanting] Wait on Sam! Wait on Sam! After eating Faramir comes to question Frodo some more, but, like, friendly. Frodo wants to please him so he talks about how Valiant Boromir was. For some reason this is kind of heartbreaking to me. That feel when you are trying hard to remind yourself that you are not safe and never will be again, that you cannot trust anyone... Also when Faramir is talking there’s this sense that Gondor is slowly dying. Maybe that’s why I absolutely can’t believe Faramir survives this trilogy. Rohan is still young and strong though, so that’s good! Gondor’s history is just too long. It’s tired. The civilization is too old and is overdue to crumble. 

‘As the Rohirrim do, we now love war and valour as things good in themselves, both a sport and an end; and though we still hold that a warrior should have more skills and knowledge than only the craft of weapons and slaying, we esteem a warrior, nonetheless, above men of other crafts.’

Faramir does not love war, and he doesn’t want to be a warrior. He’s a good man and I like him. These harsh days make everyone wary and sharp. Sam accidentally gets going on the subject of Galadriel and reveals that Isildur’s Bane is the Ring, and Faramir gets a Weird Look on his face. “A chance for Faramir, Captain of Gondor, to show his quality! Ha!” But don’t worry, my dears, he’s only quoting some nasty thing his father said to him, I think. He doesn’t want to even see the Ring. He’s a stronger man than his brother. Go to sleep, my good friends, and have no fear he’ll try to take it from you. Frodo suddenly blurts out exactly what their errand is... and then faints. Faramir carries him gently to bed.

#hey gogol I wrote approximately 16 entire lines in cantos 2-4 today #I'm Winning #the game of... attempt to do something #blog of the rings