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tellhound · 2 years

Text

Fandom: The witcher

Pairings: none

Characters: Jaskier, Yennefer, Geralt

Warnings: depression, anxiety, panic attacks

Words: 3.6k

Also on AO3

Also quick note before the story begins... This will only be the first part of a series. Future fics should hopefully answer some questions this fic might bring.

The Weight Of Living

"I know your secret, bard." The words take Jaskier by surprise and for a moment he stops petting Roach. His heart is suddenly beating fast. Too fast and he knows that the woman behind him can probably hear it.

"And what secret would that be, witch?" he answers, silently cursing himself at how nervous he sounds. No one is supposed to know. But of course it would only be a matter of time before anyone would figure out his "little" secret.

"I know about the nightmares. And I know how you keep drinking yourself to sleep." she says and he relaxes just a little, glad it wasn't the real secret. Because if he's completely honest it's not like he's been trying to hide the drinking or how he sometimes wakes up screaming from the nightmares that he so badly wishes would just disappear. He's beyond tired at this point. The only thing he wants is for it all to end.

"You've been keeping your eyes on me then I assume." he says and he still can't quite control how his voice shakes when he speaks. "I don't like it."

"Let me help you." Her words take him by surprise and he finally turns towards the mage. But he doesn't stop petting Roach, because the feeling of her soft mane between his fingers is soothing and could possibly be the only thing keeping him from breaking down right there.

He's already exhausted from not getting enough sleep and from constantly being on edge around fires. There's no way he'll be able to stay strong much longer. Especially not if he's being confronted about it.

"Why should I trust you after everything you've done?" He already knows why. Knows she's saved him twice. Yes, the first time had been out of selfishness of wanting "everything" as she'd put it. The second time however... She'd been safe and could have so easily just left him to go to Cintra if she had wanted to. But instead she'd risked everything to save him. Not even to mention how she had sacrificed her own life just weeks ago to save Ciri and everyone else from Voleth Meir. He could only thank the gods that she was still here.

"I think you know why.'' He's not sure if she's just read his mind or not and even if she did he can't find it in himself to be mad about it. If anything maybe she could be able to make sense of the thoughts that keep running through his head whenever he's alone.

"What do you want in return?" He asks because he knows Yennefer, knows she rarely does things for others unless she can gain anything from it.

"Sing me a song." she says with a smile. The hand that's been petting Roach so far goes still. Can it really be true that the one and only Yennefer of Vengerberg wants nothing in payment except for him to sing for her? Surely he must have heard her wrong. "Just one song. That's all I want."

He turns to Roach again and buries his face in her mane as the thought of his lute lying broken somewhere on the docks in Oxenfurt enters his mind. Someone's probably taken it by now and have turned it into firewood or something. And what is a bard really without an instrument?

"Your idea of helping me doesn't involve magic, does it?" he asks her after a while. He doesn't quite want to admit it, but fire isn't the only thing that scares him after his run in with Rience.

"No. I think this is something that can only be fixed by talking about it. I can, however, try to fix your hand with my magic if you want me to."

"I... I don't..." he stops and takes a deep breath as he tries to figure out how to tell her that the thing he used to find so fascinating now scares him. He's glad he's still standing with his face in Roach's mane, cause he's not sure he'll be able to stop the tears that are threatening to spill at this point.

He hates how he flinches when he feels Yennefer laying one of her hands on his shoulder and just as quickly as it was placed there she removes it. "Sorry." she says. "I should've asked first if it was okay to touch you."

It's at this point that he turns towards her again and she looks softly at him. "It's fine. I just wasn't expecting it." he says just as the first tears start to fall.

Slowly she extends a hand towards him, giving him time to move away if he doesn't want this. But when he doesn't move she finally cups his face in her hand and softly rubs her thumb over his cheek as he leans into her touch. It's nice, he thinks. Because he doesn't remember the last time anyone touched him in this way. Only remembers all the times and the people that only used him for sex. Though to be fair he'd used them too. If only to feel the touch of someone else's hands on his body. Those hands had never been comforting. Not in the way that Yennefer's hand is bringing him comfort in that moment.

Without even thinking about it he steps forward and brings his arms up around her and buries his face in her neck as the tears continue falling. He used to hate the smell of lilacs and gooseberries that was always in the air whenever she was around. That same smell calms him now.

Yennefer doesn't even seem to hesitate when she hugs him back. "It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay." she says as he's shaking in her arms. She'd probably known for a while now that the bard was not okay. But there was no way she could have known just how easily he would crack when she decided to confront him about it.

He's not sure how long they just stand there when he can hear footsteps from someone approaching them and he tenses up against her, but makes no attempt at leaving the hug.

"There you are. I've been..." Geralt's familiar voice trails off behind them, probably shocked at the scene in front of him. "I'll... I'm gonna leave you two alone."

"Stay." Jaskier says as he looks up at the witcher. "If there's even a tiny part of you that ever cared about me... Please stay." his voice breaks on the last words.

"I'd stay forever if you asked me to." Geralt says and a moment later he's by their side, slowly rubbing Jaskier's back in a comforting way. It doesn't take long for one of Jaskier's hands to reach out and grab Geralt's wrist, almost as if he's scared the witcher is going to leave anyway if no one physically holds him back.

The three of them don't know how long they stay there, Jaskier crying, Yennefer whispering sweet nothings in his ear and Geralt rubbing his back before the bard releases them both and takes a step back before he uses his sleeves to wipe away the last remaining tears on his face.

"Sorry..." he says and looks down on the ground, ashamed of what had just happened. "I didn't... Sorry..."

"Never apologize for your feelings, Jaskier." Geralt says, sounding softer than Jaskier has ever heard him sound in the two decades they've known each other. For a moment he thinks that if something like this had happened before the mountain, Geralt would either have told him to suck it up or just left. Maybe both.

"I know. It's just... I'm just so tired. It's like we're all in the ocean and everyone's figured out how to swim except me. So I just keep flailing my arms in an attempt to stay above the water, but instead I just end up sinking down, down, down. And with every breath I take, my lungs just get filled with more water. Sometimes I think that maybe it would be better if I just... gave up and let the water completely consume me." he admits and once again he can feel his heartbeat speeding up with the anxiety he feels from so openly admitting what he's kept a secret for so long.

Jaskier is not sure what he expects to happen next, but it certainly isn't Geralt hugging him so hard that he can barely breathe, almost as if the man is suddenly afraid that he'll lose the bard forever if he lets go. And honestly isn't that pretty much what he had just admitted could happen?

"What can we do to help you, Jaskier?" Yennefer asks and fuck when did people actually start caring about him?

"Maybe letting me breathe would be a good start." he half jokes, but it seriously is hard to breathe with how hard Geralt is holding him.

"Sorry." the witcher says as he lets him go and takes a step back.

"I don't think there's anything you can do, to be honest. I think this is something I have to get through alone."

"But you're not alone anymore, Jaskier. You have us now." Yennefer says and if only he could believe that. But it's been weeks since they got to Kaer Morhen and they've barely spoken to him since then. Though to be fair he's stayed out of their way on purpose a lot of the time, knowing they're busy with training Ciri and whatever else they've been doing.

"It's not like you can fight my monsters for me though."

"You're right. We can't do that." Geralt answers and Jaskier's heart immediately drops even though he already knew it was true. "But we can be here for you. We can listen to what you're going through and take some of the burden from your shoulders. And maybe then fighting those monsters won't seem as daunting anymore." hearing those words Jaskier starts crying again.

"When did you get so good with words? Your vocabulary used to mostly consist of grunts that all meant different things." Or maybe you just never cared enough about me to use words. He knows that's not true though. Knows there were countless times Geralt could just have left if he had wanted to. And yet the witcher had always made sure to not walk faster than Jaskier could keep up with, taking plenty of breaks and making sure he always got a minimum of one meal a day. Not to mention all the times he'd saved the bard's life. Geralt had always cared. It had just been hard for Jaskier to see that after the mountain.

"Jaskier…" Geralt starts, thinking his words through to not say the wrong thing. "I had a lot of time to think once I started traveling the roads alone again and I realized I never treated you with the respect you deserve and that relationships can't function without proper communication. So I'm… I'm sorry for what I said. I'm sorry for abandoning you. It's not gonna happen again."

There it is. The apology that Jaskier has been waiting for ever since Geralt came and rescued him from that cell in Oxenfurt and now that he's gotten it he's not really sure how to react. But he feels lighter, almost like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. "Thank you. Geralt, I…" he stops himself, for once being the one unsure of what words to use.

"What time is it?" He settles on asking instead. He's beyond exhausted from all the crying and sharing of his feelings. All he wants is to crawl into bed and not return to the world for a few weeks. Maybe a few months.

"It's late. Or very early depending on how you look at it." Yennefer answers his question. Jaskier had almost forgotten she was still in the stable with them. "If we're done with this conversation for now I'm going to bed."

"Good choice. You need all the beauty sleep you can get." He tells her, trying not to smile.

"You're one to talk. Have you looked at yourself in a mirror lately?" she answers without hesitating.

"Darling, I'm beautiful and you know it." he says as he winks at her. He’s not sure he believes it himself anymore, but if he lies enough then maybe it could become the truth.

Yennefer doesn’t give him a reply. Instead she just starts walking out of the stable but stope and turns back to the bard and the witcher when she realizes they’re not behind her. “Come on you two. It’s time for bed.” she says and then she starts walking again. To Jaskier's surprise Geralt grabs him by the hand and starts following her.

Neither of them say anything as they walk through the halls of Kaer Morhen to get to their rooms. But for once Jaskier doesn't mind the silence. It isn't making his thoughts spiral down to dangerous places this time. If anything he finds it hard to think about anything at all. Though to be completely fair that could just have been a result of all the sleepless nights he’d suffered through lately.

After a while they reached the hallway with everyone's rooms and Geralt led Jaskier straight by the bard's room and didn't stop until they were in front of his own.

"Geralt… we're not at some inn where we have to share a room. I have my own here." Jaskier says, thinking that Geralt must be a lot more tired than he looks to make a mistake like this.

"Sorry, I was just…" Geralt started but trailed off, unsure of exactly what to say. For once Jaskier stayed quiet to allow the witcher to gather his thoughts.

A moment later Geralt sighed before he started talking again. "When we used to walk the path together it was hard not to notice that you always seemed to sleep better those nights we were forced to share a bed. So I figured that if we shared a bed… maybe you'd actually get to sleep again."

Whoever said witcher's were heartless creatures had obviously never spent more than a minute with them.

"Geralt… I… Are you sure about this?" he asks, remembering how during the first couple years Geralt would sleep on the floor if there was only one bed in the room they shared and how he'd very reluctantly had started sharing the beds eventually with a warning to the bard to stay on his own side of it.

"You're my friend, Jaskier. Friends help each other." Geralt answered as he opened the door and led them into the room.

What happened next wasn't Geralt's fault. Not really. Because Jaskier hadn't actually told him what had happened in Oxenfurt before he'd ended up in jail. But as soon as his eyes fell on the fire that was burning brightly in the fireplace opposite to the bed it suddenly felt like there was no air left in the room

Some part of him knew it was ridiculous, that he was safe in Kaer Morhen and that the fire couldn't hurt him unless he himself walked over there and put his hand into the flames. But he still couldn't stop the tremors in his hands or how he was suddenly hyperventilating, frozen in place where he stood, unable to take his eyes off the flames because all he could think about was being back in that chair.

Geralt steps in front of him, blocking the view of the fire. The witcher's mouth is moving, but Jaskier can't make out a single word, everything sounding as if he's under water and he was never good at reading lips.

"I… I can't… breathe…" he says, managing to choke out as he's hyperventilating. Suddenly his legs buckle underneath him, but Geralt is quick and catches him before he can crash to the ground. And instead he's gently lowered down to the floor. Geralt shifts around a little to get more comfortable before he brings his arms around Jaskier's waist to pull the bard up in his lap.

Not even thinking about it Jaskier buries his face in Geralt's chest just as the tears starts streaming from his eyes and with the uninjured hand he clutches the front of Geralt's shirt so hard he'd be worried it would somehow break the fabric if the panic wasn't still coursing through his body.

It takes a while, but eventually he starts calming down, breathing is getting easier and he can hear the words Geralt is saying to him. "It's alright. You're safe. Everything will be just fine." For a fleeting moment Jaskier wonders if this side of Geralt had always existed and he'd just never gotten to see it or if it's something he's learned over the months they were separated after the mountain.

"Sorry…" he says eventually, loosening his grip on Geralt's shirt, but making no attempt at leaving his lap. "I'm sorry." Sorry I'm such a mess. Sorry you had to see me like this. Sorry I'm no longer the person you used to know. There's a lot of things he feels like he should apologize for, but there will be more time for that later. He's too tired and exhausted right now to put his thoughts into words.

He's almost dozed off there in Geralt's lap when said man carefully nudges him and says his name. "I think we both would be a lot more comfortable in bed." Jaskier wants to say no, tell Geralt that he's plenty comfortable where he is right now. But the witcher does have a point.

Slowly he gets up from the other man's lap and makes his way towards the bed, removing his coat as he does and letting it fall to the floor before he lies down. His back turned towards the fire. If he can't see it, it can't hurt him either.

A moment later Geralt walks up to him and removes his shoes before he places them neatly by the bed. Then he picks up the discarded coat to hang it on a chair.

A little while later Jaskier can feel the mattress dip on the other side when Geralt gets in it and lies down beside him.

"Jaskier."

"Hmm."

"Is it okay if I ask what happened? I've never seen you react that way to anything before." he thinks about Geralt's question for a while. Part of him wants Geralt to know everything that's happened since the mountain. But there's another part of him that knows the witcher will feel guilty about the kidnapping and the torture if he finds out the truth.

"It was the fire that triggered it." he turns around and looks Geralt in the eyes before he continues speaking. "I'm sure you've seen the burns on my hand by now. But I'll tell you all about that some other day."

"I've seen them, yes. I'm sure Yen could help you with that."

Jaskier lets out a bitter laugh at that. "Yeah, well… I'm not exactly fond of magic anymore either. But it's not like I have my lute anymore, so it really doesn't matter."

"Jaskier…" Geralt starts, but whatever he was going to say never comes. Instead the witcher moves closer to him and puts one of his arms on his waist and pulls the bard close to him. At first Jaskier tenses up at this. This was never what they used to do when they had shared a bed on the path. But Geralt is warm and with his arm around him he actually feels safe for once so it doesn't take long before he shifts just a little to lie more comfortably before he lets all his guards down and relaxes.

They don't say anything more after that. It doesn't take long before Jaskier can feel himself starting to drift off. But before he does there is a knock on the door and Geralt lets out a displeased grunt. Whoever it was at the door opens it anyway.

"Yen? What are you doing here?" Geralt asks quietly.

"Sorry it's just…" she trails off and sighs before she starts speaking again. "I still can't fully control my powers when I'm tired and Jaskier was thinking so loudly a while ago that I just couldn't tune it out and… I guess I just couldn't sleep without seeing that he's okay." she answers honestly and just as quietly as Geralt had done, probably thinking the bard was asleep. "But I can see that he is so I'm just gonna go back to my own bed." She says.

Before she gets the chance to leave though, Jaskier stops her. "Stay." he says. He can't deny that he feels safe with her and the bed is big enough for all three of them if they really squeeze together.

"I'm sorry. What?" she asks, not quite believing what she's just heard.

"Stay." it's more of a mumble this time. Cause he's not really sure how much longer he'll actually be able to stay awake. "If Geralt doesn't mind."

"I don't mind." the witcher answers almost immediately. Jaskier can hear Yennefer closing the door before she walks over to the bed and lies down behind Jaskier. For a moment she just lies there, but eventually she moves closer and throws one arm and a leg over the bard and he lets out a sigh of contentment.

Jaskier knows that there's still a lot of things the three of them need to talk about and figure out, but laying there between the witcher and the mage Jaskier feels more safe than he ever has in his life and it doesn't take long before he drifts off into a deep sleep without any nightmares.

___________

Taglist (let me know if you want on/off it): @luteandsword and @seidenbros I'm tagging you this time since this is the fic I've shown you plenty of lines from

#The witcher #Jaskier #Dandelion #yennefer of vengerberg #Geralt of rivia #julian alfred pankratz #viscount de lettenhove #The Witcher fic #Tellhound writes #Fic

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