#vent post dont like dont read whatever. anyways i have been thinking about killing myself i have beem thimking about losing itall | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

katzirra · 3 years

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Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

#kat life #ignore me

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theworldsoul · 3 years

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Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

#ughhh #parent your fucking kids #religious bullshit #adults dont fuck up the children you are in charge of challenge #religion don't fuck up trans kids challenge #good dick really breaks a motherfucker #vent

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boy-porridge-vent · 5 years

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Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

* I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

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bakedpieceofchicken · 5 years

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5am long personal vent

dont interact with this

note: this post mentions endeavor a lot.

context (very important!): I pretty much binge-read an entire tumblr user’s meta posts and I found them interesting and very informative.

I also read through their salt tag and now I’m compelled to gather my thoughts together considering the literal title I’ve held for months now is “Hawks is a lov member already”. I’m extremely socially awkward, even on this online platform, so I’m not going to mention the aforementioned tumblr user’s name because I’m too anxiety-ridden to try to contact them. This is in no way shape or form an attack on the person’s opinions nor their character. It’s me... rambling about my thoughts about their opinions at 4 am.

Is it defending myself? Well, not really, because I don’t feel personally attacked. Just because we have a difference of opinion doesn’t mean we have to resort to attacking each other. I found their opinions thought-provoking and wanted to pick my own brain... I picked this time purposely so nobody would see this post :eyes: so like uhm yeah

note 2: “you” refers to unnamed tumblr user. sorry about weird point of view...

anyways let’s get into the meat

villain hawks

yay or... nay...?

Well, in fanon it would be such a fun idea to play around with. Personally I think there’s potential for League of Villain interactions with Hawks. I would LOVE to see Hawks interacting with the other pro heroes, but the only pro-to-pro interaction we get with Hawks is between Hawks and Endeavor. Because the atmosphere between the pro-heroes feels... disconnected.

Now, hear me out.

Let’s contrast it with the idealized version of hero society provided in future fics. Or hell, comparing the top ten pro heroes to Class 1-A itself. We want to think all the heroes are friendly with each other and have some sort of camaraderie with each other

But Horikoshi doesn’t present it like that.

The closest thing to that we get is Endeavor and Hawks. Other than that, the atmosphere between hawks and the other heroes seem more strained or tense (the whole miruko hawks thing is fanon). And even then, it’s... well... Endeavor and Hawks don’t truly know each other. Hawks only knows the public perception and image of Endeavor, which is the only thing he’s been given while Endeavor doesn’t truly knows Hawks either. I’m not saying the interactions are fake, but... would Hawks be acting the way he was if he knew about Endeavor’s past?

No. I don’t have any predictor to how differently Hawks would act, but I definitely sense there’d be a lot of disappointment and loss of respect for the man he was rooting for. To what extent? Would Hawks just be in complete disbelief? Or would he react with immediate anger? There are parallels to Hawks and Todoroki Rei--both were picked from the crowd and had their lives controlled because of their “value” determined by Endeavor/The Hero Commission respectively.

But honestly from an objective standpoint, I have nothing to go off of other than the fact that Hawks deeply respects and idolizes Endeavor the most out of anyone in the manga we’ve seen and the fallout of that would be of an equally shattering magnitude...

Ahh i went off on a tangent. the point is... do we really know Hawks? Does Hawks ever get a chance to just.. be himself? Maybe we see a bit of that shine when he’s alone with Endeavor, but as we saw clearly in chapter 186 he puts on a care-free facade for his fans. But in reality... he’s always working because he’s one of the hero commission’s greatest assets.

and... here’s where our opinions clash. I truly, in the depths of my heart, believe that Hawks is building a reality where heroes have more free time comes from a more selfish desire for himself. Don’t get me wrong--I don’t want to disservice what Hawks has done for society. But also it feels like he’s the type who overworks himself because he feels moral obligation to society when... technically he doesn’t owe anything to society.

Yes, in superhero shows and whatnot, it’s usually a positive trait that “hey this person’s been born with an amazing power and they’ve chosen to use it for the greater good! Look what they’re sacrificing!!!” But let’s say theoretically that person decides “hey i don’t want to be a hero i just want to be a writer!” Are they morally wrong for deciding not to be a hero even though they would theoretically be good at it? Even though it’s not something they want for themselves?

Because I don’t think Hawks wants to be a hero. But he also doesn’t want people to die. He’s tied himself with these moral obligations to the point where he can’t leave now because he feels it would be selfish of him to. And that is speculation, but Horikoshi isn’t exactly spelling it out for us! So, that’s how I interpret Hawks’ character. Yes, he is a true hero in that he wants to save as many people as he can, even at the cost of his pride his dignity his fucking freedom...

but also, he never wished for that. he never asked to be one who has to deal with all of this. But now that he is, what choice does he have?

So, yes, we agree on that. But I also feel that his personal desire plays as big of a part. Because we, as humans, naturally want things for ourselves. Our personal desire for ourselves shouldn’t be downplayed at all! That’s why I believe his inner thoughts are worded “more free time” rather than “make society more safe”. Because he has his priorities! He wants the best of both worlds-- it’s a form of negotiation. He can still play the hero and less lives would be taken but he can also having some breathing room for himself like he’s always wanted.

To free himself just a little bit from the stressful life of being a hero.

There is nothing wrong with being motivated by personal desires. Hawks is one of the most grounded heroes we’ve seen--I think he’s cynical enough that he’s self aware of this selfish desire for a freer life. And it’s selfish to him only because he knows that it would never happen without the expense of a few lives-- lives that he knew he would never forgive himself for letting slip.

I think it’s a toxic mindset.

Because as heroic as placing others above yourself... that attitude is completely unhealthy and I don’t think it should be celebrated. What I want to see from Hawks’ natural progression as a character is recognizing that it’s okay to prioritize yourself. Hell, Midoriya learned this during the summer training arc and failed to retain that lesson during the Overhaul arc! THESE HEROES DON’T TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES!!! (ok i get midoriya’s trying).

And if it’s selfish to desire more free time for yourself off from work, is it really that wrong of someone to do so? To want more control over your life? To want to do things you want to do rather than what others want you to do?

What does this have to do with villain Hawks? Well, I think a large desire for villain hawks is because it shows the departure of that mindset! Hawks doesn’t need to be confined to his hero persona anymore, he can finally do things he wants to do and be the free bird he’s always wanted to be.

But him becoming a complete villain is... far-fetched. This myself I recognize. I’ve only written villain!hawks once and that was because he snapped after the hero commission executed shigaraki and dabi as a show of power rather than going through the effort of trying to re-integrate the men back into hero society. I don’t want to go too deep because this isn’t the point I’m trying to make, but Hawks realizes how power-obsessed society is to the point where he doubts the legitimacy of the hero commission itself and what they do for society and its people.

But, again, that’s not going to ever happen in canon so I won’t bring it up another time. The point I was trying to make is yeah, you’re right that Hawks would never become a villain. He wouldn’t become a murderer- if he does, he definitely needs more incentive than what we can go off from canon.

And ohhh boy here we go, reaching the erm elephant in the room.

(These are the points made in the salt tag btw)

Is Villain!Hawks just an excuse to write hotwings? And what is the plausibility of Hawks turning to villainy? Would Endeavor being exposed as a child abuser be the trigger if Hawks were to turn villain at some point in the story?

Eh...

I don’t know if I even want to go into the whole “this is just an excuse to make hawks and dabi evil boyfriends” because I’ve never used villain!hawks as justification for that personally. And I’m actually not as attached to hotwings as I am to something like shigahawks... I don’t have any points to counteract this other than my desire to see Hawks interact with the entire league. Because it would be fun to see him interact in an environment he’s not wholly familiar with. With Endeavor or the other heroes or even the hero commission, he has some semblance of control or understanding so he thinks/acts like he knows what’s going on.

Meanwhile, the League is a huge mess and they don’t have their shit together and wouldn’t it be funny to see Hawks as a part of their crew suffering with them!!! Well, that’s bias. My bias. For fanon. And for the jokes. So sad :(

So... I don’t just want to see more Dabi and Hawks interaction. I want to see more Hawks and League interaction. or just more hawks and anyone interactions overall. maybe thats all i crave

Actually going through the points one by one, let’s talk plausibility.

I already talked about villain!hawks being a... departure from Hawks’ faults in his own character. But it is pretty extreme, I’ll admit. If Hawks were ever to join the League of Villains, he’d probably never use killing as first resort. As we’ve seen in chapter 220, it’s not like the League targets only heroes... but i get the salt tag was made like 5 months ago so it’s not like new information hasn’t been released at the time of posting.

Reminds me of domestichobgoblins’ shigadabihawks fic where shigaraki even acknowledges “Whatever bullshit you’ve been telling Dabi, you aren’t a killer either, are you? So what, exactly, am I supposed to do with you?” And you know? The both are you are right. Hawks isn’t a killer and he wouldn’t become a killer willingly... unless he was pushed by some other greater force but I’m not here to address any of that. He could still provide support to the league in other ways, arguably, or just joining the league could be some kind of message to the heroes or supporters of hero society.

You are right to a degree. Hawks’ sole motivator to become a villain wouldn’t be because “OH ENDEAVOR IS AN ABUSER GUESS I GOTTA TURN EVIL NOW”.

Okay pushing past that, so why would Hawks be motivated to become a villain? In canon? I’ve already warped a lot of this post with my own fanon but I’m trying to keep within the realm of canon for this point specifically since you could take a second to push Hawks over the edge in fanon and be done with it. But why would Horikoshi specificially do it?

The fact is hero society sucks. A lot. And I think Hawks recognizes that fact being the most “grounded” and cynical of the bunch. His views and visions of hero society aren’t warped by fantasies and such (which is probably why he doesn’t like All Might...) so he understands what’s happening around him. He understands the mechanisms of hero society and how “valuable” quirks are viewed as in their capitalist society.

But also, he doesn’t have that much of an option other than trying to lessen the burden placed upon him. Because he’s a single man, and even with his influence, he can’t change society. He’s powerless to do so, even considering who he is. He’s seen as a role model to those in society, but it’s because of his ranking that ironically fuels why people even look up to him: denouncing that would be kind of silly considering it’s the reason why people would listen in the first place.

And this is the point where I say... Shigaraki had a point. Hero society is flawed. It shouldn’t be so reliant on one person to carry it all.

But also hero society itself is bullshit. The ranking system? Horrible. The fact that the hero commission views them as tools for their own disposal? Horrible. The mere fact they basically bribe Hawks into becoming a hero? Like? “Hey kid you’re the best at being a hero so that’s what you should do. we’re only going to give you financial support if you become a hero so you might as well” like what is Hawks supposed to do in that sort of situation? Of course he’s going to succumb to the pressure.

I don’t believe in this whole “sacrifice for the greater good” bullshit. If Hawks wants to be a hero, that’s a whole another story, but if Hawks doesn’t, then he shouldn’t have been forced into that role. It’s about agency--it’s about letting him decide for himself if it’s what he wants to do. And it’s... a gray area for morality. “It’d be selfish for him to let people die!” Who is in the right to say whether or not he should use his “powers” for others’ sake? Me? You? The Hero commission?

So if Horikoshi goes down the path of “hey hero society is extremely bad and needs to change” and Hawks recognizes the League as a proponent for that change, then with a lot of development, it’s plausible in the future. I understand that Hawks, as of what we currently see, is too upheld by his own morals to ever even think about crossing that line, but people change. Hell, you recognized how the High End arc changed Endeavor and made miles of metas about it.

So, is it really far-fetched to say villain!Hawks is just a dream?

Maybe I’m a fool or an optimist, but I’d love to see Horikoshi take that path. Not because I’m horny for evil boyfriends, but it’d be a nice change of pace and we’d get to see a complete contrast of Hawks’ experiences. And it wouldn’t be easy-it’d had to be done right. Just like Endeavor’s redemption arc--if Horikoshi is still planning it. (Let’s be honest: High End Arc was not a formal redemption. I think it was Horikoshi letting the readers know “there might be something worth saving in Endeavor!” but i digress because i don’t care enough about endeavor (his character and redemption has 0 appeal to me and thats FINE. YOU DO YOU AND I DO ME, I only talk about him when it’s essential to talk about the influence he has on characters I DO care about).

As to why people like to characterize the moment Hawks decides to quit being a villain being attributed to Hawks learning Endeavor is an abuser...

The fallout, as mentioned earlier, could vary. A lot. Hawks really looked up to Endeavor when he was young. Again, shattering to find out something so nasty about the one you idolized.

To know that the one Hawks looked up used his wife just like how the hero commission used Hawks. Like an object or tool at their disposal.

Would he be vengeful or spiteful towards Endeavor personally? To others, probably yes. To me? I’m kind of in the “eh” skeptical ballpark so I guess we somewhat agree on that. To me, Endeavor being exposed as an abuser would crush that small slither of childish hope that hero society represents something bigger than themselves. Did Hawks ever get to have the childhood Deku had where he was still cheering on the heroes from behind the screen, or did it get crushed just as quickly when he realized how hero society truly works?

Because hero society isn’t bigger than themselves. It shouldn’t be idolized so heavily as it is presented in BNHA.

At least, not in its current state. And people who don’t fit in that group or agree with its ideals suffer the consequences. Like Shigaraki. Like Twice and Spinner. Like Gentle.

These are all villains that are products of society that promised to stamp out villains. And when Hawks realizes that it’s just a never ending cycle where the people left in between the cracks are the ones who perpetuate the system itself...

Like you said, Hawks sees the bigger picture. And his goal is to lessen the burden of the workload for heroes. There will never be a shortage of everyday criminals using their quirks for petty crimes but what about the bigger picture organizations? How are they going to be stopped? What about examining the root core of the problem and going from there? No more short-term solutions to problems... What can Hawks, mighty number two hero, do even at the expense of himself? Hmm...

I don’t know, just some food for thought. Something I’ve seen done for villain!hawks is the hero commission throwing Hawks under the bus for some reason and Hawks either a) joins the league to gleam more information but finds himself willing to stay or b) has nowhere else to go and it’s more of a push for Hawks to orbit towards the League.

I am really thankful for your thoughts! Even though we don’t agree on things, I think discussion is still possible (whenever my anxiety stops bashing me in the head) and I’m always willing to accept I may be wrong about something. At this point in time (3/27/2019), we have less than 10 chapters released that centers around Hawks, but he’s certainly intrigued a lot of people considering he’s already #4 in popularity from so little chapters released! I think he and his introduction to BNHA represent the more cynical side of hero society that we haven’t been able to properly see from Deku’s perspective!

And I’m interested in what direction Horikoshi is going to take Hawks’ character in! The one thing I’m truly against is Hawks staying the “good little hero” in the end--whether he dies, becomes a villain, or hell even just stops being a hero is good enough for me. Free the bird or kill him off is what I’d want to see. That’d be enough of a character arc for me. Characters change, and it’d be silly to expect Hawks to stay the same especially since he has a lot of baggage on his shoulders and his current situation as a double agent for the League is precarious--despite him stating that he was willing to sacrifice his own reputation for the good of everyone, there’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t feel at least some degree of hurt over losing the respect of everyone and his colleagues.

My thoughts are pretty clunky but maybe someone was able to gleam something from my stupid 5 am vent...

I love Dabihawks, even though I’m not as invested in it as say Shigahawks or ShigaDabiHawks (which I’m sure you’d definitely have objections to considering your other salt posts... but not something I want to address here), and I still think DabiHawks is a great ship more so because of the dynamic than the aesthetic. But hey, you ship what you ship, you are allowed to express your disdain for the ship--I’ve certainly expressed my own disdain for the your ship in the past--and your salt posts which probably took like 10 minutes to type out provoked me to type out my own thoughts which took like 2 hours to fully process. Like I said earlier: you do you, I do me.

And again-- I’m not trying to “defend” here nor am I trying to “attack”. I just had things I wanted to say and I hope I DON’T have the attitude of someone looking down on you, because I think you have very valid opinions and thoughts and sometimes discourse can just be healthy discussions about how we interpret different characters. We are literally squeezing everything we can out of one character we love and there’s enough room for different interpretations of the same character ^^ If anything, I actually look up to you, which is why I’m too much of a coward to send this to you because oh my god i am so embarrassed about a lot of the shit that comes out of my mouth and i constantly worry about if im saying wrong things even though im open to people telling me why im wrong about said things.

tdlr; villains hawks very good. has nothing to do with dabihawks. villain hawks very good on its own. I agree with tumblr user on a lot of things, yet we see differently on other things. The world keeps spinning--I think it’s more interesting to address differences in opinions rather than ignore them.

(the person this post was meant for will probably never see this unless i send it to them to whcih im like oh my god what if they roast me to hell and back despite me claiming yes i amn ot trying to destroy them or their reputation i just want to talk about this because i had fun trying to think about why i love villain hawks so much aaaaa maybe i am just a delusional fangirl but im also a delusional fangirl who wrote multiple paragraphs about this so... /shrug)

end. again please dont interact. if you want to talk to me about it, inbox/dm me but i dont want this post to get notes. thank you. hides what have I done...

this has been sorta meta but not really just chicken fucking around at 6 am and good night. maybe sometime in the next... month... ill have the courage to send this to the tumblr user. maybe when i have confidence... or maybe when i make mel look this over. that was a joke- she couldnt even finish my other meta piece which was shorter than this. :)

#dont rb #i dont think anyone was going to #but i put it in case #indirect discourse #but this is actually an 18 year old idiot rambling on about fictional characters and ships and sounding like a crazy person by the end

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coldphoenix · 7 years

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Warning: incoming venom

Okay so please feel free to not read this. I’m very sleep deprived. My eyes are killing me. I have a headache. My feelings are all over the place right now and I’m very, very hormonal. I’m not a secure person. In fact I’m very insecure and I often have doubts or negative feelings, in general irl I’m happy and positive but sometimes I will feel low and that’s been happening more and more recently, mostly because of this site and fandom life in general. I don’t usually express my feelings. I know my problems are smaller than most and I don’t want to hurt my followers or make them feel bad by posting them here. I vent on my rant blog, that nobody can see, because I feel bad about putting my problems on others. I know you have your own stuff going on. I know my issues are petty compared to yours. I know you in all likelihood never meant to hurt me, and so I don’t want you to feel bad by telling you… but for some reason, right now I don’t really care about hiding my thoughts. Maybe because it’s obvious that nobody actually cares, so I might as well. My filter is totally off now. So a warning. Don’t read if you don’t like whiny shit. But then again, who does? If you want to unfollow me after this I’ll understand. If you lose respect for me, that’s fine too. I don’t know if I deserve your respect anyway. If you want to send hate, or block me, or whatever else, that’s fine. I knew the risks. The only thing I really don’t want to happen is for my followers to be upset or hurt by this, which is why I’m warning you… incoming venom. Please please proceed with caution. I’m going to post the Frit I promised, and then I’m coming off tumblr for a few days. Just until Friday. This site is killing me. I’ll still continue with the Chiccolo Week on my other blog, but that’s it. I’m not responding to messages, I’m not liking or reblogging, I’m not posting anything else. I’ll do it all after Friday, I just need to come away for a while.Don’t worry. I’ll still reblog your stuff. Just give me a couple of days. This site has really hurt me. I’ve held it in for so long, months, maybe a year even… but honestly… I’m gutted. And I know none of you are actively trying to hurt me, which is why I’ve stayed quiet for so long, because it’s not your fault… but you’ve activity not tried to help me, and that hurts. I’m a person. I know that’s annoying, but I am. It takes time to write fanfiction. It takes motivation. I’m struggling. I’ve been struggling for so long I don’t know how to not struggle anymore. I try to help people. I know what it’s like to struggle, to feel ignored, to feel down, and so whenever anybody I follow posts about issues or feeling down, I’m there. I can’t always help, but I do my best. I leave comments. I acknowledge them. I try to say something encouraging, I write for them, I show them support by reblogging their work… I do whatever I can to help. And I don’t do it to get something in return, I just do it because it’s the right thing to do, because they’re people and they need support, and like to I think I’m a decent enough human being to know that. But I’ll admit, I’d like to think that when I need it, when I’m struggling, these people would also be there for me. Mostly they’re not. I reblog their work because I want them to get noticed, I want them to achieve their goals because I know how difficult it is, but do they reblog my work? No. I acknowledge when they have persobal issues and okay, maybe I can’t make them feel better, but I try. I lose sleep trying. I spend my days wondering if they’re okay, if there’s more I can do to help, if what I’ve already said is helping, if there’s anything that can be done to help them… and most of the time they don’t even acknowledge that I’ve spoken. And that’s okay, I get it, when you’re feeling down you can’t always bring yourself to reply. That’s okay. It’s normal. But what about when I’m down? Nobody is here. These people… I allow myself to become emotionally drained for them. I let them stand on me. I offer my support and advice on their personal issues, because I don’t want them to feel ignored. I lose sleep and time and emotional stability worrying about them. I edit their fics for them, I leave feedback on their work, I reblog. I have a life. I’m the full time carer for my 2 year old son and I work part time, and two of my shifts are at night so I’m always sleep deprived the next day, because toddlers don’t tend to care what time you get to sleep. I have very little free time, but if someone asks me to spend it editing their work, I do it. If somebody is struggling and needs someone to read their stuff and leave comments, I do it. If someone is down and they need acknowledgement or support, I do it. And if I think writing something for them will help, I do it. I don’t have much free time, but I spend what I can on others, even if it means I don’t get to work on my own things. And what do these people do? They ignore me. They let me edit their work, for free, when I have my own stuff to be doing, and they don’t even bother reblogging or commenting on mine. They dont even acknowledge me. They dont even thank me! For spending sometimes hours of my own time and energy on their work. They let me reblog their work, that they’re struggling to get exposure for, they happily accept comments and advice from me, but will they reblog my stuff? No. God forbid they would let my cancerous fics poison their same-fandom page. They let me offer them support and they let me write stuff for them just to cheer them up, but where are they now? Now that I’m the one struggling, now that I’ve carried these people and put so much of my time and energy and emotions into worrying about them into helping them and losing sleep over them. Now that I’m the one who needs help… They can’t get far enough away. Do you know how much that hurts me? I’m a person! I’m a mother, I can’t feel like this! I have to be okay. My kid needs me to be okay, getting down isn’t an option for me, and yet all these people who I try my best to help stand, they trample on me every chance they get. And I guess it’s because my problems aren’t big to them, and I get that. I really do. But sometimes your problems don’t seem like a big deal to me either, but I help you with them anyway because they’re important to you, and that’s what matters. And I know maybe your reasons for not helping me are justified, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt. I’m drowning. I’ve spent so long trying to keep other people afloat, at the cost of my own emotional well-being and time, and I’ve asked for nothing in return, but I always thought that maybe, maybe if I ever needed you, you’d be there. But you’re not. You never were, and you never will be, but you’ll let me carry on supporting you all the same. And I will. Because you need it. I won’t stop supporting you just because you don’t support me. I’m not that petty, and two wrongs don’t make a right and I believe that. So I guess you win either way. I’ll be fine. I just need to get away for a couple of days. I’m speaking to my editor on Friday, I’m sure that will make me feel better. So I’ll post the Frit today and I’ll post for the rest of Chiccolo Week, but aside from that, until Friday I’ll be gone. I won’t answer asks or messages on any of my blogs. I won’t post anything else. I’ll remove the tumblr app from my phone until Friday. Then I’ll be back, and I’ll answer all your asks and messages like normal, and I’ll reblog everything I’ve missed out on. I won’t abandon you. And I’ll act like this never happened. If you want to stop following me that’s fine. If this post has hurt you I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention. I kept this in for so long because I didn’t want people to get hurt by it. Maybe it was wrong of me to even post this now. I know I have no right to put my problems on you. I know supporting you was my choice, you didn’t make me, and I know you don’t owe me a thing. So don’t worry. Just do what you need to do. I’ll be fine. But I want to say thank you to the few people who have shown me support. I won’t tag you because I don’t know if you’d like that, but you know who you are. Those people who have taken the time to reply to me these past couple of days, and in the past when I’ve been feeling down. Those people who have treated me like a person, who have actually given as well as taken. Thank you. Thank you for remembering that I’m a human. I will never forget your kindness, and don’t think for a second that it won’t be repaid.

#irl #status update #i'm so exhausted right now #it's the only reason my filter is gone #i'm sorry #i'm not as strong as i'm supposed to be

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magical-agatha · 5 years

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vent, probably pretty like, mature in nature, be warned

idk how to do a read more on mobile so whatever

apparently if i type like [[MO RE]] without the spaces that will become a read more thing after i post this? idk.

edit: it didnt work which is fine i guess. if u know how to add a read more on mobile dm me..

[[MORE]]

anyway so!!!!!! i just got followed by some stranger on twitter. a nsfw blog. basically a couple of gay girls posting clips and photos of themselves fucking. it was cute. but one of the girls looked a lot like my gf. and the other girl kind of looked like me. except she had a pussy. and like. a nice butt. and her boobs were like. a normal shape. and honestly it made me really want to kill myself right then and there.

id been talking with my gf a lot tonight about how like. ive known i was a girl since i was 16. suspected it for years before that. and i desperately wanted to transition when i was 16. i knew who i was. and i was right. but my psych was transphobic. and my mother was too. my psych had me get a blood test that was supposed to determine somehow if i was trans?? and like. she was an actual doctor so idk what the fuck that blood test was. and she said i was too young to know i was trans. made me wait til i was 18. and when i was 18 i was made to wait til i was 21. my mom took this all as evidence that she was correct in her transphobia and deciding i had to be a man. and over the 5 years from being 16 to 21 she convinced me for a while that i was a m*n. she fucking brainwashed me. and at 21 i got a prescription for estradiol. but my mum had fucked me up and made me so unsure that i waited another year before starting hrt. bc i was scared it was a phase. scared id regret it. and i didnt regret anything except being forced and manipulated into waiting.

and when i think about the past i try hard not to regret anything. but i cant help but think about how much happier i might be if id started hrt when i was 16 like i wanted to. and i think about my body. my hips have fused. if id started earlier they would have been able to change shape. i wouldnt be dysphoric about my hips and butt. maybe even my voice would be different. and i wouldnt have as much facial hair. it really fucking hurts to think about bc theres nothing i can do. it makes me want to maim myself and scream blood at my mother. bc she broke me. she broke me over and over again and she did so many things that made my life so much harder. permanent things i have to live with and suffer for the rest of my life.

and seeing those two girls on twitter. reminded me that on top of everything, adding insult to injury, i have to pay for hormones for the rest of my life. its makes me feel like giving up.

i have to fight for the rest of my life to be happy.

i wish i had ovaries and a vagina. i like my dick and my balls. but if i could trade them for a completely functional pussy i honestly might. i mean ideally id want both sets. all the genitalia. pussy, dick, balls, ovaries. all of it. womb maybe too i guess. idk.

and i want hips that are wider. like they would be if id been on E my whole life.

i want to love my body but its hard. it hurts when i see my hips in the mirror. and i want a pussy. why does it have to hurt so much. where the fuck is a cyberpunk bodymod shop that can grow me a pussy and replace my hips. we're living in a dystopia can i please at least get some body shops. is that too much to ask. please..

dont fucking reblog this. ppl keep reblogging my vent posts and it rly sucks so just. if ur gonna interact either like or reply. dont reblog please.

#hashtag blogging with aggy #do not reblog

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morozovastarkovs · 7 years

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since this whole anti debacle got me all riled up and really angry i just need to vent and rant and let out my thoughts on the whole jtv mess.

full disclaimer, if you’re expecting anything remotely positive about michael in this, you’re in the wrong fucking place. i hate the man and would spit on his grave if i could. you’ve been warned, if any michael/cordu/eva stans still read this & come into my inbox looking to start a fight or anything, lmao don’t bother bc i won’t respond anyway. i don’t want to start drama or anythng, i just wanna share my viewpoint(s) on the whole thing and use my blog and this post as an outlet for it. if u do want to politely & maturely discuss my views, that’s fine. i’m open to it. nothing else tho.

anyway what bothers me most is that people are constantly like “michael had to die in order for jafael to happen” and “rafael will always be jane’s second choice” or wHATFUCKINGEVER. and i don’t want to see that shit in the jafael tag. not when i go on tumblr dot com, not on twitter, not anywhere. i’m SICK of it, cause it’s everywhere, cordu/eva stans pls come collect ur garbage we dont want it.

anyway i hope those people know that michael was supposed to die back in season 1 and thus jafael was always supposed to be endgame. jane/michael is a thing that they kinda came up with spontaneously and it’s because they got renewed for another season, and another one, and if they had jane and rafael end up together already there wouldn’t have been anything left to tell a story about, since the love triangle was clearly the focal point of the plot in seasons 1 + 2. they had to drag it out at this point like??

i haven’t seen seasons 2b and 3a and never will because unlike some other poeple i am actually able to stop watching a show if something happens that i don’t like and don’t want to see w/o complaining about it nonstop. anyway from what i’ve heard, rafael starts acting kinda shady in those episodes and i have no idea what exactly was going on with his character arc then but as far as i can tell, and yea i might be totally biased, but to me this just seemed like a blatant attempt to get people on board with michael and jane because they literally spent a whole season making the viewers root for jane and rafael and they had to fix that. what better way to do that than by making rafael unlikable /unsuitable in some way? idk man, but it’s cheap and i’m glad i didn’t sit through that character slander.

at this point i would also like to add that if you weren’t “Team Rafael” or whatever in s1 what the hell were you even fucking doing. michael was suuuuuper shitty in s1, he was such a fuckboy and that’s literally why i started hating him so much. he lowkey stalked jane and was immediately immensely jealous of rafael and instantly hated him which??? what the fuck is wrong with you my guy. not only is this so childish and stupid bc rafael didn’t even do anything, but it’s also so disrespectful to jane bc he clearly thinks she’s capable of cheating on him w rafael which ... wow ... you seem to have so much trust and faith in your fiancee! great! gold star for you darlin’. and he just did not support jane in her decision to have the baby after all, he even went behind her back and covered stuff up so she would still give the baby to the solanos. and do NOT get me started on the whole shitty thing where jane flat out told him that she was devoted to rafael and that he was the one she saw herself with, and could he stop pining after her & move on? and he literally had the fuckin GALL to basically tell her she was delusional and that they’d be together? like, even if he was sort of right, this is SO not romantic. if a guy ever tells me he knows me and what i want better than myself he can FUCK OFF. god this scene makes me so angry u don’t even wanna know lmao.

ANYWAY though i had my moments of doubt here and there, i was still p sure that jafael would be endgame, no matter how they would accomplish it. the way that they had michael die in the end was shitty and sloppy writing, i’ll give u that, and literally something no one liked. most jafael shippers didn’t like the whole michael/jane thing to begin with and obv cordu/eva/michael stans didn’t either. tbh i was more expecting that they would write him off in a way that he either left/had to leave for something or that he does somethin unforgivable and jane, like, divorces him or something but i didn’t think they’d kill him after all. oh well. i’m not complaining but i will concede that it was stupid writing.

so... lastly.... “rafael will always be second choice” first of all, even if michael hadn’t died they still would have found their way back to each other. killing him off was simply the easiest way out of the cordu/eva situation and so they went with that. second of all, YIKES! i hate this mentality that you will only ever have the one “love of your life” or whatever you wanna call it and thats it. nothing will ever compare to that and if u lose them you’ll be miserable forever? no thanks. i believe that you can love more than one person in your life, deeply and genuinely love them and have that love be just as fulfilling and great as the other(s). everything else is quite frankly bullshit. it will always be different, yes, but never not as beautiful as anything that came before it and like ... u like to say u care about jane so much but if thats true do you really want her to be unhappy and alone the rest of her life??? no? ..so what you’re saying is you just don’t want her w rafael just because... ok. u do u sweaty :)

anyway i can’t wait for jafael to continue to rise and be endgame, good night.

#whewww #there it is #jtv #anti michael cordero #anti cordueva #anti villadero #whatever #jafael #text post #long post

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xhuth · 7 years

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lessee the rundown of warnings here.... nsfw, sex and sexuality talk, suicide, potential tmi, general depression and trauma thinkings

usually i post this stuff on my locked twitter but 1. i dont feel like writing out a dozen tweets on my phone and 2. i only have like 4 followers there so no one sees anyway and i dont get my Sweet Validation

but like i just realized how unaware i am of all the stuff going on around me, friends/people i know having sex and stuff and i know thats nothing to write home about or be like I CANT BELIEVE SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL, UNTHINKABLE but its just so weird to me, it floors me, because like... nothing of any kind of romantic or sexual nature has ever been relevant in my life, if that makes sense. and also the school got its existing ban from certain rooms in the college buildings reaffirmed once again because of Shenanigans going on there which my friends told me included students making out and fucking in the conference rooms or whatever and im just like... why?? how?? people are having sex?? people do this in the university buildings?? im not shocked out of like. Disrespecting the space (although it is disrespecting the space but if youre in private whatever) but just like... ive never been actually cognizant of/have considered people around me having sex at all let alone all over the fucking place.

anyway this is sounding dumb and makes no sense but its mostly about how like, im so baffled by it all because nothing of this nature has ever come up in my life... ive always been like yeah w/e idc about sex and relationships and all that but then thinking about it more i think about how, oh cool no one has had interest in me in any sense ever and neither have i in any person, i erroneously assumed (not even assumed but like...just didnt even think about?) everyone around me was the same lol. and then i get into thinking oh im never gonna love or be intimate with anybody

and then that gets into me questioning if me being a lesbian is just performative and that i should just Accept that im actually aroace and a fake gay because ive never loved anybody and ive never felt any type of sexual attraction or physical sexual urge (like being Horny lmao not just me thinking about it Sure Would Be Nice To Be With Someone)(and these thoughts are newish like from in the past year honestly, ive never really cared about relationships) and i just see how different everyone else is from me. but i dont want to be aroace! i dont want to not love anybody and i dont want to not be able to be or desire to be sexually intimate but i feel like im just lying to myself lmao. and the layers keep going on like “well you just arent used to accepting that” but i know thats not true because i am, i used to id as ace pretty proudly and even aroace for a short time lmao.

but what girl would ever love me anyway? and if she did, would i even love her back? i dont feel any type of love! i had a crush once in 7th grade and it was on a boy and it was totally unprompted and unwanted and i always go back to that in my mind, i have forgotten the feeling now but it adds to my anxiety about just being a Performative Lesbian and not a Real One who Loves Girls For Real and i know you can be a lesbian and still be attracted to men but i still feel fake. i dont want to love men, and i dont love men, and i dont want to ever be with a man. just a lot of internalized doubt and confusion about Who I Am. this is totally rambley and not making sense lol.

i WANT to be a lesbian, when i think about love between women its... the most beautiful thing i can imagine. and i want to feel that. but i feel like i wont ever, whether its from me not being able to or no one ever loving me, lol. and then im continuously frustrated about how i cant get sexually aroused for shit, the closest i can get is feeling a little warm reading something hot or whatever. this is getting into tmi range lmaooo but its just so... i feel so hindered, i want to be able to feel things, feel SOMETHING, and i fucking cant, and im so desperate to have some kind of feeling, mentally or physically, i want to feel pleasure or just something thats not just fucking null. logically i suspect i cant feel anything is because trauma (which, i have accepted my experiences as trauma but im starting to doubt again lmao) and being on SSRIs but its so hard, if i worked past the trauma i would still be on medications that kill a libido i dont even know if i have. and my medication now has been making me have fewer suicidal episodes and honestly i fucking hate it. i hate feeling so inbetween. i would rather be suicidal than this... stalemate where i dont feel better or worse and im still not able to work towards doing the things i need to do. i would rather be suicidal and useless than neutral and useless. either way i cant do shit, might as well feel something and have some idea of what im gonna do if im like this!

i originally didnt intend to write this much but i did and if you read all of this im honestly so thankful, thanks for reading all my shit. im not...soliciting anyone to respond, dont respond if you dont want to, but i would like to talk about this with anyone else who might also want to talk about it. idk. sometimes its not clear whether people are seeking responses or do not want to be spoken to on vent posts so just clarifying im “feel free to reply” and by “feel free” i mean “if you had something to say it would mean so much to me for you to say it/speak to me about it”

#VERY LONG

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theboxghost · 6 years

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strap yourselves in bitches because this is one hella long post about Cowboy and how I have a type and that type is weird dudes who have girlfriends. How is that possible? How is it so specific? but apparently it is. I dunno I should just stop looking at dudes altogether. now I AM AWARE that his face is in this and also his name is in the screenshots.. thats not the point. this is so obviously only about one person that it doesnt matter, it’s about the tag.

anyway. cowboy.

So here is a lovely photo of us on the way back through soi cowboy when I realised I wanted to do a lot of stuff to this guy

and I dont know what he was thinking, but looking back and seeing this message after we both got back to our respective rooms, I’m not sure his mind was totally innocent, although I may be just reading too much into this. What do you think? very tiny list of made up people who read my blog aka nobody I’m just venting. anyway

does that sound like a sexy thing to you? It didnt at the time but after my next few days of messages I have kind of changed my mind.

so of course I’m still trying not to follow him around like a puppy because I just want to hang out with him ALL THE DAMN TIME.. but that’s fine, I just die a little bit.

there is a pool hang out one night and the girls had like a high school discussion of their top three boys, and obvously I said cowboy, acai, and this other guy angus, but later, drunk me told a few of the girls that my top three is actually just cowboy 3 times because it’s true. the stuff I would do to that guyyyyyyyy

anyway it’s the same for a bit, until the wednesday night, We go back to maggie choos. we chat. my social ineptness can never tell flirting apart from conversation because im a piece of shit and assume everyone is flirting with me because I’m always flirting. but I was DEFINITELY flirting, and I felt like he was too. he grabbed my hand and we went to dance. dancing with him is really fun.

a few of us decide the night isnt over, and we take a tuk tuk back to the hotel and cant decide if we want to go watch the soccer or go find somewhere to dance. we all split up, but of course I go with cowboy to dance. It’s so much fun.

at some stage he asks me about my top 3 that we were talking about, which is interesting because I know for a fact chelsea already told him that he was in mine... he just wanted to hear it from me. So I tell him the original ones i said.

we are VERY drunk, and he is getting a bit handsy and I don’t stop him. it’s like the first real good feeling close dancing I ever had, except it was to shit bangers. Like... I’m salty about it. Anyway he grabs my hand and puts it around his waist, and his hands are on my back, and my face is like buried in his neck and I am dead. I am dying.. I am dead. So dead. I am loving life. Also I hate life why do I let myself get into situations like this?

so afterwards when we are on the way home we stop off at the soccer to see the others, but I am wayyy too drunk and he decides to take me home. In the elevator I tell him that i lied about my top three, and that my top three is just him three times. then I stopped listening.

he walks me to my door, and says I still owe him a kiss for getting me the snickers. I kiss him on the cheek and he says “that was very aggressive”. it was. Because I wanted to kiss him so bad but I couldnt.

I went back to my room and drunkenly messaged him something about taking it too far and it was dangerous for me because I’m super attracted to him.

I am totally on board??? what the fuck is that man? are you kidding me? this is not helping me in the situation of me wanted to fuck you A LOT.

thursday we don’t get up to much, just regular hangs. we don’t acknowledge the conversation

friday me and cowboy and another guy go to a pool bar for a while and get very drunk. this time it is definitely flirting. I’m toughing him a lot and he says something about me purposefully brushing up against him, which I am, and then says something about whether we should make a big mistake tonight or tomorrow night, and then says tomorrow is probably easier (because my room mate was leaving a day early). I’m like dude you shouldnt be planning that I feel bad, but not bad enough to stop doing exactly what I’m doing.

The other guy is really good about it, he is talking sense in to me and I appreciate him a lot. and we all go to bed to the pool and of course... chelsea is there who has been following brad like ever since i mentioned him in my top 3, but whatever. it’s not a competition because he isnt even single, but feel free to keep teling me all the reasons to think that there is an inappropriate thing happening with you two... but anyway. she is a whole different story...

so we all go to bed

then I have a bit of an afternoon hang out with cowboy at the aussie bar without mentioning anything about these conversations, and on the way up in the lift i get to my floor and he says “so do you still want to make one last bad decision?” I told him it was a bad idea even though I wanted to, and I left.

but fucking hell marlowe can’t help herself. So i messaged him some reasonings as to why and the conversation got down to this:

we chat a bit more about it. I’m trying to not tell him to come down stairs right now and fuck me because thats all I want SOOO bad... but I’m also talking to paul at the same time and he is doing a great job of supporting my will power.

well he says he has actually been thinking about it for way longer than that. Now I don’t know if that means me specifically, or just in general. but I am struggling with my willpower because I want this guy a lot.

eventually he decides to think about it... says he is wrestling with it and I say that if he hasnt made a decision he probably doesnt want to. He says: “I’ll regret it if I don’t”

well fuck man, you’re killing me here. but me, being a saint and actually wanting to be his friend after this (which I can’t be if he cheats on his gf with me... i dont want to be that guy), I tell him to come down here and we will watch a movie and I wont hit on him and he will see that friends is really good.

and we do just that. hang out.

after the movie we go get dinner and of course chelsea tags along, says she isnt even hungry but just wanted the walk, how convenient. ok no ranting about her and how she like to mention every 5 seconds that she ONLY wears lacy thongs all the time.. i digress.

on the way home cowboy says goodbye and im like no man you wake me up when you are leaving I dont care how early it is

he wakes me up in the morning at like 6, we say that we made an excellent decision, and I hug him and give him a nice kiss on the cheek. and I die inside a little haha

i walk around the shops for the day before my flight and I realise... I have not thought about end game for the entire week. this guy is so great that end game was gone for a week, he literally didnt even cross my mind. what the hell

i buy him one of the jesus pictures that we kept walking past... except jesus is on a boat wtf. I send him a message from the airport about being great friends and hanging out. and I tell him to hit me up if he is ever single.

although I dont want it to seem like I’m only hanging out with him waiting for sex... I legit enjoy his company so I’m happy to be his friend 100%, even if I never get to sleep with him. But damn those close quarters made my life hard.

and thats the end of that LOOOONG chapter

#text #journal #cowboy #end game

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