#unemployment is the best thing that could happen to my mental health right now

[vasattope]

~

#first day of work after a month and I wanna cry #waking up at ass o'clock isn't funny when you're not on vacation #I forgot my headphones at home #also I was getting there early but the train is late #people are rude and don't respect personal space #also they talk too loud #I hate it here #unemployment is the best thing that could happen to my mental health right now #I'm not even kidding lol #working for a living is torture #(I'm not even at work yet) #(this is what happens when I'm forced to listen to my thoughts in the morning) #anyway I hope everyone has a great day #I'll just try to survive it 🙃

[voidthewanderer]

I’m just so… tired. I’m tired of constantly being pulled every which way. Of having to choose what to do on what days, but then being told by people that you should be able to do everything you want to do in a single day.

Oh really? I should be able to do everything I want to do in one day? Really? With schedules that are so sporadic that I’d rather stand under a goddamn tree during a lightning storm? Yeah, OK.

When I’m working in the one store; it’s a 30~40 minute drive to and from work. So, if I’m working a midshift, which can range anywhere between 9-5 to 12-8, I have to get up at least an hour before I have to leave if I want to eat and bathe before work. And then with the 30~40 minute drive home? I have to get home, do my household chores that I need to get done (laundry, cleaning, etc). That’s already nine hours that I’ve lost in my waking day just working.

I can’t get up at exactly six in the morning like I’d like to because my father’s downstairs stomping around because he’s getting ready for work at the same time as my brother. I can’t just go to the gym whenever I want because, y’know, despite being thirty years old, we have to act like I’m still a child. I can’t work on my art as a career because it’s “not a real job”. I can’t make it a real job when y’all literally fucking harass me into not working. I can’t work on my writing for the same fucking reason. I have no time to read because I spend all day at work and that cuts into other things I need to do too.

None of this would have been an issue if I hadn’t been forced to get the goddamn retail job not even two months after my colectomy. I wasn’t ready to go back to a retail job, not that I wanted to in the first fucking place. Had I been left alone, I could be making my art right now.

Granted, yeah; I could probably leave my job, pay off my debts with my savings; and just leave to “work” and work on my art somewhere private. But people have been visiting me at work, which is like; hello? Again, I’m fucking 30 stop keeping tabs on me. If I don’t want to work at a job that makes me feel the way I do, I’d rather not work there. You can’t say that I need to do what’s best for my health, but then get mad when I go to do what’s best for my health.

It’s not like I ask for money online. And, honestly? If I do, I want to be able to give back to people who give me money. That’s just how I work. Even if it can’t be individualized pieces. A big “thank you” piece or something. Anything.

I wouldn’t be losing my health insurance as I’m somehow still on the state health insurance. Which is even better than the stuff I get through my work. I’d just have to renew the insurance come the new year, not a big deal. No, I wouldn’t get unemployment, but I understand that.

For me, my health, both mental and physical; are far more important to me. I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place because I totally could take sketch commissions now. But then I’d have to figure out how exactly I’d deliver the amount I need to pay things off and make enough money to still live.

Honestly; even if it was just supplementary right now. Just so I can work up into something just a little more stable. Like, even just $100 worth of sketch commissions a week, y’know? Just until I can figure out something more steady or figure out some sort of time management system (though I don’t see that happening with my hours).

I’m just tired of being miserable and it feeling like it’s for no reason. Applying to jobs makes me miserable because places just never get back to you. Even when they cry “we need help immediately!” Working this job that doesn’t give a damn about me makes me miserable. Not being able to see my friends and my partner makes me miserable.

This is not normal. This way of life should have never been normalized. Just scrounging for any shreds of time always from a place that you shouldn’t have to spend 24% of your week working and still not making enough money to live your goddamn life; not that it matters because you should be spending another 24% of your week sleeping.

It would make sense if it was a job that made people happy. But it never is. I am not Vincent to my job. I am a string of numbers. I have to check the fact that I am a human being at the door and have zero emotions.

I just want to feel human again.

#shut it void #I needed to vent I do apologize #I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’m wasting my life away

[macgyvermedical]

so I used to work in healthcare from late 2014 to mid-2016, but I had a psychiatric episode (not related to my job) which ended up with me being basically unemployable and ending up on disability. I was an EVS tech but I enjoyed my job, and I miss that job, because I still felt like I was helping even not being on clinical staff.

fast forward to now: my mental health issues are way worse now, but I'm also pretty much out of money and part of the reason my mental health issues are worse is from being stuck at home by myself for the past three years thanks to COVID. so I keep thinking to myself - I would like to go back to working in a hospital. but setting aside the fact I have a) no work references and b) a six-year employment gap that has no good explanation, given your descriptions of the current state of healthcare, I know that if I could go back to that right now the work environment is almost unrecognizable from what I remember and it would probably end up destroying me. I feel weirdly guilty about this, like - I could be helping, but I'm not.

Yes things are different in healthcare now. But it's not entirely bad different. The staffing is worse, and in clinical positions that does generally suck. But also many hospitals are on crisis standards of care, which (at least in theory) reduces the amount of work to the point where it's at least possible to keep up. In reality, it just assumes everyone is doing their best, and generally chills out the atmosphere of "perfection" that was expected before.

Also, the good news here is that getting a job in healthcare is a LOT less competitive now than it was in 2016. A 6-year employment gap due to a documented health condition (and old or relatively few references) would not preclude you from employment. They're so hard up for staff at my hospital I showed up to my most recent interview in scrubs (because I didn't have a set of nice clothes clean at the time, and also because I was on my lunch break from my other job) and I was pretty much hired on the spot since no one else applied.

EVS techs are also sorely, sorely needed. So if you do want a job and feel you could handle it mentally and physically (or think it may improve your mental health), a part-time (or even full time) EVS job is something you could absolutely get. Having that schedule, being out of the house, and feeling needed frequently does provide that boost, even if there's a period of adjustment. And if it doesn't- quit (obviously if you are getting disability and/or medicaid know how having a job (and quitting one if necessary) impacts these benefits in your state).

I hope the best possible thing happens for you!

#hospital life

[fandomsandfeminism]

Re-opening schools is such a shit situation all around.

Because here’s the thing yall- I’m a teacher, I know teachers, I’m in social media groups with teachers, both my parents and my sister are teachers- we WANT to go back to school. We know that face to face instruction is better than online for the vast majority of kids. 

Online instruction is a clusterfuck. It has SERIOUS equity issues for our poor and underprivileged kids, vastly widening the opportunity gap for those students. It creates serious problems for families in which both/all adults in the family work (who is going to watch your 3rd grader all day and make sure they get on their ZOOM class? Do you have to pay for daycare now? Is the daycare even open and will they make sure that school work is done?)  We know that even for the MOST privileged students, the ones who have a parent at home to watch them and solid, reliable internet access, online learning isn’t conducive to the best types of lessons- collaborative learning, hands on manipulatives, discussion circles, experiments- all are MUCH harder in an online format. Kids lose all the social benefits of school, all those soft skills that are so important to develop. Sports and clubs and games. What about our 504 and Special Ed kiddos? How are we supposed to get them the modifications and accommodations they are legally entitled to if we are online? Equity is a HUGE problem NORMALLY for  schools, and moving it online only makes all those equity issues worse. 

What about kids where school is the only place they consistently and reliably get food? What about kids where school is their only access to counseling and mental health services (as limited and underfunded as those tend to be)? What about the kids who are abused at home, for whom teachers are their best bet at reaching out for help? 

Schools are more than just the place where kids learn multiplication tables and are forced to read books that you didn’t enjoy. For many, many children, ESPECIALLY for underprivileged children, schools are the first point of contact for a thousand social services. And not being able to hold school in person like normal is a terrible blow. 

But we also know that sending us all off to die in a pandemic is bad. That sending us back to school in person right now will have a death toll. For teachers. For students. For all our families. No amount of hand sanitizer and face masks will stop that. That as imperfect as online instruction is, at least it won’t kill any of us. (And, as with all things, it would be the poor and under privileged students who would be at the highest risk, the ones who don’t have anyone at home to look after them, the ones who CAN’T afford to opt for online if in person is an option, while their more privileged peers can afford day care and nannies and tutors to fill in the gaps while not having their health put at risk.) 

There is no easy fix to this. Maybe in a society where we had guaranteed sick leave, universal health care, robust and accessible unemployment, a Basic Income system, livable wages for all employment, universal internet access, the switch to online schooling could happen smoothly- then it would be easier for a parent or family member to stay at home with school age children right now and make sure they access their school work, for ALL students to be able to access online learning easily and consistently with internet, for families to be able to access supplemental materials to help make the most of a distance learning situation. 

I’m not sure I have a point in all of this. I don’t have an easy solution. It will take, at best, weeks if not months for many places to get their Covid numbers to a point where in person school is reasonable and safe again. We will do the best we can in that time. 

I know schools across my state are buying wifi hotspots and chromebooks and scrambling to reach out to families to try, to try as best they can, to make sure no one gets left behind as we try to start school in August without putting anyone at risk. It will be hard work, and exhausting work, for teachers and admin and parents and students, and we will do what we can. 

If this is a call to action let it be for these things- better social safety nets, better wages, better health care, better infrastructure so that if something like this ever happens in the future, we can better adjust. 

#covid19

[beanie-beebo-writes]

Call for Action

Series Summary: You finally get your dream job, but it comes with a cost.

Warnings: Description of panic attack

Masterlist

Chapter 1

Beep beep beep beep.

You groaned and threw your hand blindly over your alarm clock. If there was one sound you hated the most, it had to be that thing. You would throw it out the window if you could, only you would sleep through the most important day in your life so far: the jumpstart of your career.

At the thought, you dragged yourself upright and looked over at the time. You had been dreaming of this day since you were a little kid, there was no way in hell you would miss it. You still remembered how you and your dad used to play pretend practically every afternoon, just like all the other kids. But with you, everything had to be just right. The stuffed animals needed a place, the lines needed to be said, the scenery had to be just right. And even from those days, your father always told you how that attitude would blow someone away, how your name would be in lights. Today was that day.

You started your morning with a creamy coffee (something you told yourself you would never reduce yourself to) and a packed omelette. By waking up several minutes earlier you had some time to sit and reflect for the day, something you had always enjoyed every morning.

You were nervous as all hell, but as your dad kept telling you, you'd be okay. He was your main support in this whacked out experience called life, as your mother had estranged him way too long ago to remember. If there was an event for school or a big test coming up, he would always be rooting for you by your side. You couldn't think of a time where he ever wasn't there.

You had moved from your hometown up to Vancouver, hoping your head wouldn't misguided you up in the clouds. You hadn't felt this nervous since the interview, which you somehow landed. Your dad, as always, said it was due to your confidence and goal-setting values. You liked to think otherwise.

Your mental health made your life a living hell for as long as you could remember. You never had a terrible childhood, nothing to complain about. Yet your head decided to create problems of its own. Maybe it was your grade that never looked at you right, or the teacher who gave you one bad grade that one year. You never knew what it was.

Your stomach churned anxiously; you looked down at your half eaten omelette and decided to save it for lunch later. You finished what was left of your coffee and got yourself ready for the day ahead of you.

By the time you had finished up and driven to work, you noticed you had just enough time to get where you needed to be. You were only lucky you weren't needed earlier at a hair or makeup trailer as other coworkers would. The lot surprisingly wasn't as bustling with people as you first thought; only an occasional PA running across where they were needed.

You arrived at the main office, where you assumed you would collect today's schedule. You were greeted by a stocky man wearing a casual striped button down.

"Hello, you must be (Y/N). I'm Paul, I'm a receptionist here." He said.

"Hi Paul, nice to meet you." You said.

"I assume you didn't get the memo that our schedules are usually sent by email, but that's okay. We always have a physical copy available up front too, for PR." He continued.

"Oh, thank you! I'm glad you let me know, I rarely check my email these days anymore." You commented.

"It's no problem! Between you and me, I rarely do myself. So feel free to stop here every morning for a copy." He said with a wink.

You chuckled and gave him a genuine smile before leading yourself to sit in the waiting area. Looking over the schedule, you felt your stomach clench. You were no stranger to long shifts, but this was a long haul you weren't used to. You instantly felt flushed and knew you needed to find a bathroom, fast. 

"Excuse me Paul, but where is your nearest bathroom?" You asked.

"Down the hall to the right." He said from the front desk.

You quickly thanked him and sped walked to the bathroom. You locked the door and put a hand over your mouth to try and suppress the sob. As always, overthinking would leave you jobless. You never lasted long before going to the next job; just long enough to get unemployment. 

Suddenly, you felt warm and unable to breathe. You fanned yourself with a schedule before hearing a knock on the door. You looked over your face (which was red and blotchy), took a shuddering deep breath, and opened the door to see a very handsome young man. If you couldn't breathe before, you certainly wouldn't be able to now. His blond hair and green eyes practically sparkled in the fluorescent lighting.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know this bathroom was occupied." The man said.

You cleared your throat and struggled to speak.

"No um, that's- yeah. Do you need to use it?" You asked.

"If you still need it, I can find another bathroom. It's okay, really." The man said.

"No!" You caught yourself for being too loud. "I was just finishing up, you can use it." 

The man looked at you once more before entering the bathroom you just came out of. You felt yourself take a breath before breaking your eyesight away from the door. The panic attack you were just immersed in was completely gone, and you knew it wasn't just because of the gorgeous man that just happened to cross your path. Well, not entirely. He just made you feel calm inside despite all the butterflies bouncing around in your stomach.

Maybe this wasn't going to be as bad after all.

--------------------------

"And.. scene!" You yelled out to the set.

The buzzers all rang and you went forward to one of the side actors for the scene.

"Pam, that was incredible. Thank you. You as well Celine." You said. "Everyone can take a lunch break and meet back in an hour."

The day had been going by relatively well, quelling any anxious thoughts that had come up earlier. The actors and actresses had no flubs in their acting, crew even worked together well to your surprise. Everyone seemed to be like a large family here, which was usually unheard of in the industry. It put you at ease knowing everyone could work together this well.

You headed over to the lunch tables with your half of an omelet from this morning, not expecting a full-out food service to be made available to you. You shrugged and decided to finish the omelette you made first before digging into what they had in store. Just as you began to eat, you noticed the attractive man from earlier was making his way towards your table. 

"Hey, I saw you earlier right?" He asked.

You nodded as you took a bite into your omelette.

"Is it okay if I sit here? I figured you could use some company."

You swallowed your food before speaking. "Yeah sure, that's fine."

There was a brief pause before you spoke again. 

"I don't believe I introduced myself to you. I'm (Y/N), one of the new directors." You said, reaching out a clean hand to shake.

"Hi (Y/N), Jensen. I'm an actor here." He said, shaking your hand.

"How long have you been working here?" You asked.

"Since day one; pretty well-seasoned." Jensen joked.

"I guess so. Hey, maybe you could show me the ropes later?" You asked.

He smiled, sending warmth throughout your body. "Sure, not a problem."

You both paused to continue eating for another moment. You couldn't help but steal a look at him before looking back at your food. He was so nice to look at. Even without makeup, you could bet he looked just as beautiful. It was the eyes that drew you in. But as you looked more, you noticed some other features. He had freckles lightly dusted across his nose, barely visible with the foundation he wore. His eyelashes were so long and full, as if he wore false ones. But you knew better, they were real. You also caught him doing the same thing as you moments later. Giving you a look over before returning back to his food, not wanting to be impolite. It was sweet, charming even.

"I wanted to ask, and it's okay if you don't want to answer, were you okay earlier?" Jensen asked, breaking you from your thoughts.

You hesitated briefly, wondering if you could trust him. You didn't see a reason not to, but you put up a wall, just to be safe. After all, a pretty face could mean trouble.

"That? Yeah was just overwhelmed with emotion was all. I got lucky to land a job like this." You said.

"Alright, just checking. If you ever need anyone though, just remember I'm always here, even though we just met." Jensen said. 

"Oh, thank you." You said, taken aback.

"You're welcome." He said. "And you're right, by the way." 

He paused to sip his drink.

"About what?" You asked.

"Being lucky to work here. Believe me, you'll love it here. We'll all make you feel at home in no time." Jensen said.

"I'm starting to see it already, I noticed the crew earlier." You said.

Just as you began wrapping up the conversation, another tall and handsome man stopped by the table with some lunch.

"Hey, what's up?" He asked Jensen.

"Just getting acquainted with one of our new directors. (Y/N), this is my best friend Jared. Jared, (Y/N)." Jensen said.

You both shook hands and said your hellos before Jared slid his butt next to Jensen.

"Is it alright if I sit here? Sorry, I should have asked first." Jared said.

"No, no it's fine. You're not bothering anyone." You said.

"Awesome!" Jared said. "So, are you a new new director, or just a new gig?"

"Actually, this is my first gig as a director." You said.

"No way, how cool!" Jared said.

"Yeah, it's actually always been a dream of mine." You admitted.

"Well, good for you. That's incredible!" Jensen said.

"What he said." Jared said. 

"Thanks." You said with a smile. "Just hope it works out well for me."

"I think you'll be just fine." Jared said. "Jensen told you about how we are around here?" 

"Yeah, like family?" You said.

"Exactly." Jared said.

A notification went off on Jared's phone and he laughed obnoxiously before typing quickly. Jensen peered over in curiosity

"Dude, look what Misha posted." Jared said.

Jensen looked at Jared's phone before joining in the laughter. Jared without warning turned the phone over towards you. You giggled to see a picture of a man of similar age putting lipstick on his left nipple with the caption: So 

@tumblr just officially banned “adult content” including something called, “female-presenting nipples.” I can only assume my nipples will now sadly be banned there. But hopefully @twitter and  @instagram will let them stand.

"Is he an actor too?" You asked.

"Yep, he won't be here for about another week though. Lucky bastard." Jared said.

"Looks like I'm in for a ride with you three, huh?" You asked.

Jared smirked mischievously. "Oh you have no idea." He said.

------------

Jared wasn't kidding when he said you were in for a ride with the three of them. Later on that day, you finally had the  chance to take him off his word. The schedule had them booked for the rest of the day alongside you. Which you didn't find odd finding out they were the main characters. Only you were figuring they booked more time on purpose for them than they needed, just so the schedule allowed. At first, you expected some slip ups and laughed it off with them. Then it seemed like you couldn't get them through the scene at all, which was beyond frustrating. 

Around the fifth take, you began to panic and excused yourself to the eating area for a quick break to regain your composure. To your luck, you were followed.

"Hey, are you okay?"

The voice startled you and you turned around, snots and all. Great, it was all over for you. You didn't answer, hoping Jensen would go away and leave you be until the next scene. But he wouldn't budge; he sat down next to you.

"Clearly not… What's bothering you?" He asked.

"Remember, you're the director. You need to tell him." You thought to yourself.

"It's you and Jared. I can't make it through these scenes without you two fucking around, and we need to get things moving. It's a bit much." You said aloud.

Jensen chuckled, confusing you. 

"That's what's getting at you? (Y/N), Jared and I do this stuff all the time. We only do it to lighten the mood or welcome someone into the family. If it bothers you, I'll tell him to stop." Jensen explained.

"Really, you'd do that? I'd appreciate it. It's my first day on the job and I'd hate to look incompetent." You said.

"Of course. And you don't look that way at all, these things just happen. I've been watching your work so far, and I think you're doing great." Jensen said.

You sniffled and wiped away your tears. "Thanks Jensen, seriously."

"You're welcome. Now what do you say we get back on the playing field there, champ?" Jensen said.

You chuckled and agreed. For the rest of the day, there were no more jokes when the cameras were rolling. It was kind of what you had expected for your first day. No one was cold to one another, just professional and friendly. 

Later on after some advice from another fellow director, you got in your car and drove home to your small apartment. You knew there were going to be some flubs and that it wouldn't be perfect, but you finally had your dream job with a once in a lifetime crew. You barely had gotten to know everyone, but you knew they would have your back if you needed it. And that's all that mattered.

When you went to bed that night, you sighed in relief. Who would have thought that a year ago you were at a dead-end job, dreaming of where you were right now. Your stomach clenched again at all of the anxieties everything would probably bring. You just hoped it would be all worth it in the end.

#jensen x reader #Jensen Ackles #spn reader insert #jared padalecki #misha collins #call for action series #call for action

[copperbadge]

If you have the time/mental energy, could you do an update of some type on your History May Not Repeat Itself post?

I don’t know that a formal update of the post in question would really be useful, but I went back to re-examine it and I do have a few thoughts. 

I am exceptionally displeased at the state of my country right now, of course, and the governance of it in the last three and a half years has been absolutely abohorrent. But I am also glad that many of the direst predictions either were averted or occurred only in confined and specific circumstances. For example, restriction of the media has taken place, but generally it’s been confined to either the circumstantial (see: media coverage of the protests right now) or the harmless (does anyone really give a shit that people have been banned from White House press briefings when they’re nothing but the preening of a cowardly narcissist). The circumstantial and the harmless are bad, but they could have been systematized into something much, much worse.  

Much of what has happened hasn’t been harmless, of course. Hate crime escalated exponentially under Trump, and I include under that umbrella the institutionalized, homicidal racism of the police, as well as ICE and the systematic murderousness of its prison camps. Over a hundred thousand people are dead and over two million have been infected from the pandemic; in ten to twenty years there will be a pulmonary health crisis in this country that will further escalate the problems that have begun now (if you want to be a truly cynical capitalist, wait until the pandemic has been over for 2-3 years, then buy stock in medical equipment and pharma companies that deal in lung health and hold onto it for a decade or so). The economy is in free fall, and poverty has escalated sharply; we will emerge from this quarantine as a country deeply, profoundly in debt even as we struggle to support the most vulnerable among us. And we may not emerge into that for a long, long time. 

Currently I’m seeing articles about military leaders speaking out against the president and subtle hints at military insurrection, and while I’m glad Trump probably can’t declare martial law and make it stick, the conspiracy of generals against elected officials is almost never a good thing for the rest of the country. A military coup would not be a good thing even a tiny little bit. I hope the military is angry enough at Trump to vote Dem but not quite angry enough at Trump to oust him by force of arms.  

I do find it rather darkly funny that I predicted a terror attack on American soil possibly rigged by the Trump administration, and they couldn’t even get their shit together enough to rig one. The best they could do is try and manufacture a threat by whining about Antifa and even that took them three years of wracking their brains. 

In all, I’m glad that the worst case scenarios I laid out in History May Not Repeat Itself have not come to pass, but just because the worst case didn’t happen doesn’t mean things aren’t really, really bad. And if Trump is re-elected, things will get worse; if between now and November he tries to grip harder and the military reacts, we will be in a lot of trouble. 

This is a tipping point, right here, right now, because a paranoid child will lash out against any perceived attack, and Trump is in the bunker metaphorically as well as physically. Our healthcare system is broken at a time when the pandemic has not passed and may yet grow worse. Our unemployment rate is Depression-level serious and that won’t get better fast. Our country is deeply divided and one side of that divide is uninterested in kindness, compassion, or basic human decency. And they tend to have more guns. 

Countries older than ourselves have fallen; it’s not impossible that we will too. Right now it’s hard to see that this is one of the most crucial moments in the great experiment of democracy.  

Depending on what happens between now and November, history may not even see this, or not long remember it. Things may smooth over, as it were; the protests have already achieved a lot and may achieve more, we may elect a decent president or at least a decent majority Congress in November, and we may be able to set about fixing what was recently broken as well as what has been broken in this country since before its founding. 2020 may not go down in history. I hope that’s the case. 

But if people were waiting to act, if they were holding back because progress is a marathon and not a sprint, now is the time to jump in -- to speak up, to protest, to vote, and to resist hatred in whatever form it shows itself. 

My steps to take from that essay are still valid: think critically, protect the vulnerable, protest the powerful. I think the only step I would add is to remember to be kind to one another. 

#no pasaran #Anonymous

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Going into 2021..

Right now, I am desperately looking for a decent job. I live in Portland and there's precious little fulfilling positions out there that would pay enough to really actually pay rent. Economically, things aren't looking so hot. We are in the middle of a pandemic which obviously things are and should me closed, or limited in capacity. I am probably owed several thousand in unemployment but I haven't been able to contact them for months. Which I won't be able to pay rent after this month if i don't find something. It's disturbing but i may need to find a way to pay for a storage unit, and then crash on my sister and her boyfriend's couch soon if i don't find something, until something better comes along. At thirty-one, i wanted so badly to actually be going somewhere but as it is i am struggling to even buy food. I'm truly ridiculously ashamed of myself. I am trying not to blame myself, there is a lot of critical thinking i have about being a good for nothing and not worth anyone's time or care, ill prepared for everything that has happened. I really wanted to move to the city and succeed. And for a moment i think i was, then i wasn't. Then this covid business happened and I'm here.

I've literally been met with pretty bad luck and like so many people it is mainly covid related. I'm far from being in the worst situation. The fact that I am here typing this is proof in and of itself that i'm not in the worst position. My parents won't send me any money because they both want me to move back to Idaho to live with them in their abusive situations. My father makes quite a bit of money but the way he sees it, he has this plan to move me back to Idaho where he can isolate me and be verbally abusive. His plan is to wait till i am homeless and then offer me a job in Idaho with the stipulation that i will have to basically hang out with him every single night, get yelled at and frightened like i was when i was a child. I will be separated from any support system or friends or people who care about me. I would be beholden onto him like i was a child. It's his goal really. He has more than enough money to keep me going, but he's not going to help me. It's funny, but not so funny to know that he would probably be frightened of what happened when i was put in that situation now at the age i am. He thinks he wants me there, he does not. He remembers me putting up with it when i was younger and crumpling and having the satisfaction of controlling me and breaking my spirit. I'm like, stable but a lot more reactionary than i used to be, and brittle. I'd crumple so hard now, it would be as though i were a star that turned into a black hole and swallowed him in. He doesn't want to deal with that now. I would probably end up getting locked up if he tried to be physically or verbally abusive to me. And I am just never going back to Idaho. I'd rather sleep outside. And it is his money. He's got no obligation to help me at all, and he has in the past, helped me out a bit.

I worry because things have gotten worse for me than they were a year ago. It's effected my attitude a little. Like I don't smile as much. I broke my foot three months ago which prevented me from working. I quit my job because i felt exploited and only getting paid 400$ a month is not a decent living. Even today, i thought i was fine so i took a walk and when i got home my foot hurt pretty bad. I did get a phone interview with and up and coming vegan mushroom jerky company that I am hoping I can just manage to get. I need this job terribly, and it seemed like a really good job for me. My physical health isn't the best. I have PCOS, which means i have to be very careful about what i eat. I gained a bunch of lockdown weight. I was in the 150's and no i am afraid of what i weigh. I was getting kind of skinny, and though i was probably undereating, overeating for me is worse. It fucks with my mental health and how people treat me, and it's a hard road to getting fit, it's hard to feel inspired in times like these. Food is comfort. I am still nowhere as big as i was in Idaho. There is a lot of food I am not supposed to eat or it messes with my brain chemistry and it's pretty stressful.

I guess what hurts the most is, I feel like I've lost a lot of friends. One of my best friends, i guess you could say we were semi seeing one another for nearly two years, he's just kind of not texting me back, or sending literally like 'haha' and 'ok' once a day. I've tried being ridiculously patient. I try to be supportive and funny and make an extra effort, even from afar, to be there. He's too busy to ever hang out with me, or just doesn't want to. I feel very used. It could be nothing. I've tried talking about it, having good humor, but it's not working. My temptation at every given moment is to call and demand some kind of explanation but the truth is that it would change nothing. He would call me if he wanted to talk. He's probably just found someone else. Or if he isn't, he just is disinterested in me as a person. It makes me feel, on top of looking down the barrel of homelessness and bad health, just floored with a horrible miserable feeling in the pit of my stomach. And it could reverse in a week or two so easily if he just explained himself in some way. Even if i found out the reason, and it was bad, i'd deal with it. Not knowing is what is really hurting me. It just kind of repeats in my head. I feel ugly, and unwanted and annoying. We spoke every single day for months and months and years, then it just stops? Why? And I am just supposed to pretend that it isn't devastating.

I wish i was in a position to help other people. I wish that i had money to have given people gifts for Christmas. My sister has issues with me, though she is very kind to let me stay with her if need be, it would be kinda tense to stay with her in her tiny apartment with her boyfriend. It's not the worst place I've been, but it wouldn't be great. It's weird to see the politics of the world unfold. I try not to worry about things that might happen in the future because I know there is only so much i can do. And if the economic system i was born under collapses, and even if i am a casualty of that collapse, i can't be blaming myself for that as well. It was long under way before i was ever born. And worrying about all the things i cannot control isn't going to help me in the long run.

I dunno, I am being a debbie downer. I just needed to vent, and not write people at 4am that I shouldn't be writing. :S Goodnight.

#text

[kirstinmaldonado]

Chapter Two 2.0

Okay, I won’t lie. Monday was super rough for me.

The weekend was incredibly chill, so I was eager to get back in to my “normal” swing of things. I had a great Zoom songwriting session in the morning, and nothing else went wrong personally for the day, but I still couldn’t shake my sadness. My general unease about the world and how this virus is impacting so many everywhere. My homesickness and desire to be with and protect my family. My fight with time.

I FaceTimed my family and reached out to friends to feel connected and not so lost, even though not being with them or having any idea when I’d be able to go home was the main culprit. If something were to happen, would I be stuck here? What will I miss? How will this hold me back? When will it end?

I recognized that this emotional upset was pretty standard and completely fine— my first five days in quarantine were similar rollercoasters, after all!

But Monday just hit a little harder, maybe because I was trying NOT to be sad and we all know that always makes it so much worse.

My point though, is that no one expects you to be at a hundred percent in this time. We are getting new information every day. So much of it and how it affects your life or the people you care about can feel overwhelming, and that is okay. Take in the information. Implement the change you need. Grieve your losses. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Our mental health is so important right now.

While everything else is careening out of our control with this virus, the best we can do is try to self-care as much as possible!! That definition has many meanings and is individualized uniquely to you! It could be doing a hobby you didn’t often get to do before. Or walking around the block just to get out of the house for some fresh air! Maybe it’s re-organizing and tidying up your space. Maybe it’s working out to rile up those endorphins! Or learning something new! 

Or maybe, that’s easier said than done because you’re one of the ones on the front line battling this with patients (and PATIENCE) every day.

If you are, I thank you. Truly, from every fiber of my being, for your selflessness and care. For your hours spent and devotion to the general public’s future. I wish we all could do more to assist, to ease your burden.

And can you believe all that has been asked of us is to stay home and lessen social contact as a united front? Aren’t we so spoiled? 

Yes, most everyone is having to file for unemployment. Yes, some people are desperate for work to feed their families and provide for themselves, so they must leave the house to figure it out. Doctors, nurses, people with essential jobs are endangering themselves for us while we’re supposed to be home so maybe don’t fuss about how Runyon Canyon is closed so you can’t get your normal, free, SoCali workout. I don’t find that funny. 

It is a privilege to get the chance to “stay at home,” even if it throws your finances in to chaos. It’s a privilege to have running water. It’s a privilege to have a roof over your head. It’s a privilege to rip the overgrown acrylic nails I got off my fingers because even though it’s omg, SO bad for my nails and I have no idea when a nail salon will ever be open again, I have respect for the system in place to stop the spread and protect the people.

(Please read that in a Scrubs Dr. Cox-like tone…it’s been my go-to quarantine binge watch)

Social distancing is incredibly important right now and can change the game with this. And again, if these incredible, selfless frontrunners go to work for us, the least we can do is stop being so selfish and stay home for them.

I wish I could take credit, but I liked the way that was said when I read it off a meme the other day. Naturally, I had to re-post. 

As silly as that may seem, I’ve come to terms with the fact that cliche memes and coy tweets pretty much sum up my life right now. They’re either very relatable or packed with a fiery punch. My timeline is comprised of funny happenings related to being inside the house all day long, something about Disney/me crying (and yes, those things are synonymous), or passionate coronavirus-related rants about how people need to STAY. INSIDE (when you can). PLEASE!!

Like this one! I promise I’m done.

If I may, I’d like to ask everyone to comment what their favorite moment of discovery has been since we’ve been “safer at home.” Or what unexpected thing made you smile?

Did you get to share a unique and special moment with a family member? Bake? Find something you’ve been missing in the house? Paint? Read? Learn, even if it’s schoolwork?

With all the negativity floating around we have to make sure to separate the facts from our emotions so we can process everything adequately. When all the BLAH seems on the brink of toppling us over, that is when those liiiiiiittle positive moments matter enough to count. 

I believe, now in this current situation and always, that recognizing your happinesses and little successes is crucial for personal growth and joy. Anyway, why wouldn’t you take all your lemons and make some lemonade?

(In this one the lemons are a positive…yeah, I know I’ll stick to blogs not philosophical quotes)

Anyway, I want you all to know you’re not alone. Everyone is riding this emotional rollercoaster together. And everyone is handling it differently because everyone’s situations are different! The way others are handling it does not have to be the way you handle it.

Check in on your family, or your friends. The ones you know are sad and the ones you think are doing okay. Hey, check in on YOU. Reach out when you need. Talk to someone for yourself, for your own sanity! It’s important to connect!

Any act of kindness or connection is so appreciated nowadays. We’re remembering how special human communication is and not to take it for granted.

I FaceTimed my family and friends Monday and their faces, their comfort brought me such bittersweet joy. I found myself wondering why I hadn’t picked up the phone sooner.

#blog 2.0

[ruinedandnotorious]

tumblr, listen.

i have a lot on my mind and i need to get it out and i have too many other people looking at my other social media accounts to say it all there. i should’ve known my old pal tumblr would be there for me.

woo lord, i am frustrated. and anxious. i keep feeling like i’m on the precipice of something. that all of my work and hope and traction is going to lead... somewhere. somehow. sometime. but i don’t know how or with who and certainly not when and i wish the when was yesterday. 

i have so many ideas i can’t get off the ground for whatever reason. i’ve tried though! i sent off some applications, submissions and emails this week that will hopefully yield some kind of results. yesterday i was very much in that mindset of, “they can bite you, but they can’t eat you,” so i just went for things. 

i’ve put things out into the world, but it never hurts to put them out there more. so, here goes.

i am lucky to have the job that i have. the money sucks, but my boss is super flexible with my time and supportive of my volunteer work. i actually really like every single coworker, which has never happened before, lol. 

right now, though, we are only working 30 hours... which is PERFECT for my mental health, but AWFUL for things like rent and bills. i’m making it, but that’s literally it. i need more money, majorly. but man, i enjoyed the hell out of unemployment last year. i want a new job - one that pays well - and one that doesn’t feel like work. i know, that’s everyone’s dream. but i feel like i am so close to getting there but it’s always just out of reach.

my job is fine, truly. it’s easy. it’s cushy - i’m working from home, thank god. BUT staying inside all day is getting to me physically and, unless i have a work meeting or am recording my podcast, i don’t talk to anyone but my cat (and my mom, by phone), so it can really drain my mental health. but i also don’t want to get out too much because, hello, goddamn covid.

this last year has taught me a lot, but it’s also changed how i socialize. i’ve always been introverted but it’s worse now and i’m picky about who/how i socialize. i have this one friend that i’ve known since elementary school. we’ve always been friends, but never super close. we have nothing in common, literally nothing. for a while, that didn’t matter. it was fun to catch up. now, though? the friendship feels like a chore. i hate saying that. but i don’t know that either of us get anything out of it, really. but she keeps trying to reach out and i’ve ignored her every time. i’ve ignored her for MONTHS. she deserves a response. but i also know that any response will just fuel the fire. i hate to be like, can we not? but every time i try to work myself up to respond to her, i just can’t. it’s like my brain is like, no, we’re not saying anything. no. don’t even consider it. i just have this block. i feel so bad saying that. she’s done nothing wrong! but i also know i tiptoe around stuff because, again, we have nothing in common, so it’s not like i can just freely speak my mind about anything. she doesn’t give a shit about anything i’m into an vice versa, so it’s frustrating to just update my life like, “well, i work, that’s it.” because she doesn’t give a damn about anything else i’m doing or am into. UGH. like. why does she want to keep this going? i had someone - like a best friend (not this friend i’m talking about, but one that’s much closer to me) - tell me recently that i am a shitty friend so... this is proof. yay.

anyway. i met someone recently who blew my damn mind. she’s a spiritual advisor/counselor, and we instantly connected about so many things but i also learned so much from her - in just the few hours we talked. i want to do an actual session with her, but her rates are high and i don’t have the money. i’ve thought about asking her if i could trade some social media services for a session - like basically be her social manager for a month - but i also know money is money and she’s worth actual money, not likes/followers on social. i don’t know. i do not want to disrespect her; i know she’s worth every penny.

but she did confirm some things i’ve wondered about in terms of those i’ve lost. she gave me a bit of peace. but i have more questions. like, a whole page of questions, lol.

she also opened my eyes to some healing work i need to do on myself... in a lot of ways, but especially in regards to my last job and how they fucked me over. i have so much anger and hurt from that, a year later. and i even consider what they did to me a blessing - it’s really led to a life that is more in line with what i actually want and value. i’m just angry at how it all went down and how they still act - or don’t - toward me. 

the mag i work for let me write about my dad’s passing and the complications of covid grief, so that was great - i had an outlet for that. but how do you go about getting your feelings out about your last employer... who’s a major player in town and who drives tourism for the city.. lol. i’m sure i’ll let it all out here sooner or later.

i jumped back on a dating site, 100% for the distraction, not because i thought i’d actually meet someone. which is probably why i haven’t, lol. like... no one even comes close to what i think i want in a man. i keep hoping someone will show up at the cemetery... yes when i’m covered in graveyard dirt and sweat and looking my worst... i also feel bad that i keep hoping the cemetery will answer all of life’s questions and fix me in all the ways. like. my expectations are too high - of a cemetery! - so i’m sure my expectations for a guy are too high too.

i’m also not ready to meet someone because i am physically just not into a relationship either. i’m my biggest i’ve ever been. i was doing so well at  becoming body neutral - just accepting of my body, not so much loving it - but woo lord, i somehow gained like 10 pounds over the last week and i am feeling it, big time. idk how i’ve gained so much when i mostly eat at home? and i don’t think i’m eating THAT bad at home? i never fry anything? i do eat a lot of cheese i guess. i don’t know. gonna go to the doctor soon and i’m sure THAT will be a fun visit. plus, my hands - especially my left hand - has really bad trigger finger (i’m guessing that’s what it is, it meets all of the symptoms on webmd lol) and it hurts so bad. i don’t wanna go back to an ortho. 

there are other issues, specifically concerning shark week (i asked my psych doc about it and she made me feel normal, so thank god for her), that i’ve got to get squared away, too. it feels like my body has just ran away from me and i can’t control any part of it.

i’ve read so many good books in the last year, holy shit. lately i’ve been watching movies while i work and holy shit, classic movies are so damn good. claude rains, man. 

pose is amazing. blanca is like, the perfect human ever? if ever i run away to start a new life, i’m using the name elektra abundance. i. love. elektra. so. much. 

i’m angry at myself because i’ve always wanted to collect mini brands and dammit i finally bought my first ball and... yep. i wanna get ‘em all. they are $7 a ball. i don’t need this stupid, expensive thing to be into.

that’s just it. i wish i had the money for little frivolous things like that. there’s an edgar allan poe tarot deck at my local witchy shop that i am DYING for. i want a new tattoo - not even anything that big or expensive! 

i really want a damn vacation. i feel so bad saying that. but i just want out of this area for a second.

SIGH.

generally... life’s alright. i just want it to be better and maybe a little more exciting.

#weight #body issues #life #money #jobs #wtf am i even doing #tv #friendship

[lezliefaithwade]

A Breath of Fresh Air

The summer after my first year of theatre school, I was sleeping on the living room floor of my cousin's apartment in Toronto, trying to figure out what to do with my life. My cousin had been an actor before he became a quadriplegic in a car accident, and as I unadvisedly bemoaned my unemployment status, he said something like, "Seriously? You're complaining about your life? Don't make me burst a colostomy bag." He was right, of course. I wasn't in a wheelchair, though I did have a stepmother who had rendered me homeless because of her dislike for me. She was always saying things like, "Your hair can't be as ugly as that hat you're wearing." Or simply refusing to invite me to things like Christmas dinner. I always admired people with families. My boyfriend at the time was one of five kids who were always doing things together. Their house was always full of noise and activities. Even as a shiksa, I felt more at home there than with my stepbrothers and sisters, who never lost an opportunity to point out that I was weird. I wanted to stand up to them, but not wanting to cause my father any grief, I held my tongue and sought refuge elsewhere. It occurred to me that perhaps I was using the theatre as an opportunity to say things through characters that I couldn't find the courage to express myself.

The Toronto Star was still open on the kitchen table, and I rummage through the Want Ads, that dirty part of the newspaper near the back where complete strangers will soon become complete assholes in your life by forcing you to work menial jobs in humiliating uniforms for minimum wage.

"Find anything?" my cousin called from the bedroom, where two attendants helped wash and dress him.

"Social services are advertising for camp councilors to work with emotionally challenged kids."

"Oh yeah," He said. "That might suit you."

I'm not sure I knew what he meant but, I was beginning to think I'd outgrown my welcome. My cousin probably would have encouraged me to join the circus if the option had been available. Knowing my living room days were numbered, I thought it best to make an effort and apply.

I had no experience teaching drama—no experience working with kids and no experience going to or working at a camp. Despite all that, I was hired. It's worth noting that it's probably not a good sign if you get a job with no qualifications whatsoever.

My official position was Drama Councillor, and I prided myself that with only a year and half of theatre training behind me, I was well equipped to help others benefit from the wealth of my experience. I imagined myself, Maria Von Trapp, teaching children how to sing while they looked at me adoringly. Somehow, I conveniently blocked out the rebellious early stages she experienced and skipped straight to the good parts. Also, I might add, forgetting about the Nazis and having to climb over a mountain. Still, visions of me biking around camp with a group of happy campers behind me filled me with a sense of self-satisfaction.

As I packed my knapsack with deet and a secret stash of Twinkies, I thought of how only three weeks earlier I'd been in New York walking through Central Park and savoring Cappuccinos at outdoor cafés on Columbus. Now, here I was, ready for something different. The wilderness, I imagined, would be a welcome change—fresh air and loons instead of smog and sirens. I thought smugly about my classmates sweating behind visors at take-out windows shoveling fries into cardboard cups or wrapping sandwiches in tinfoil. Thumbs up to adventure, I told myself. The fact that I'd never once in my life enjoyed the great outdoors didn't factor into my mind. All of this changed with each accumulated minute of the 391 Kilometer drive north.

It was late afternoon when I arrived at the compound. Overcast, sullen, it was a place so secluded you'd need flares to find it. It had that distinct aura of someplace time forgot. A place left behind and neglected. In the brochure, the sun was shining, flowers filled the meadow, and you could practically hear laughter floating off the page. What I was looking at bore more of a resemblance to a situation in a Stephen King novel where camp councilors discover a pack of hungry teenage zombies have lured them to a seemingly idyllic retreat. Situated right in the heart of black fly country, I spent most of my days swatting insects so big they seem Jurassic.

During our orientation, child care workers warned us that children with mental health needs tend to run away - a lot and to keep strict attendance records and all eyes on them at all times. "These kids are resourceful and clever," they cautioned. I couldn't imagine being so determined you'd risk your life by escaping through the woods that surrounded us, but then again, I'd never been around children who weren't allowed cutlery before either

I shared my cabin with three other women with who I had absolutely nothing in common. Delia, a humorless 27-year-old cooking instructor who answered every question with a monosyllabic grunt, Jennifer, a 26-year old tennis instructor with massive blond ringlets who talked so quickly she sounded like a record on high speed, and an older aboriginal woman named Sunny who made us all dream catchers and offered advice about how to heal ourselves on days when we'd feel spent. "Remember, these kids need us," she said while purifying our cabin with sage. As I glanced around my assigned bunk, taking in the spider webs and loose floorboards, I had that sinking feeling that comes when you know you've made a terrible mistake. Before long, I was eating copious amounts of peanut butter on stale bagels amid a never-ending supply of starch. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to feed children with challenges like anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, and eating disorders copious amounts of sugar and carbs. It certainly did nothing to help them or me.

On the first day of class, I sat everyone in a circle. "Welcome to drama class," I said with a smile. "Let's begin by sharing with everyone a little bit about ourselves. Anything at all you'd like us to know?" A hand went up.

"I'm Tracy, and I hate my stupid ass brother. He can go straight to hell."

"Okay," I said, "That's a start. Who's next?"

Another hand. "I'm Jonathan, and this place sucks so much I wish it would burn to the ground!"

"Fair enough. Anyone else?"

"I'm Jo. I'm schizophrenic. So sometimes I'm Rachel and Julia. You'll know the difference because Rachel has a British dialect, and Julia talks slang."

"O-kay." I glanced at the social workers who sat on the edge of the room and looked at me with an expression that basically said, "We can't wait to see what you do next."

"Let's write a play," I suggested. "Write anything you want. Once you're happy with the work, I'll shape it into a cohesive piece that we'll rehearse and then present at the end of the season talent showcase."

The kids liked this idea. The showcase was a big deal. It was an opportunity for them to blow off some steam and express themselves to friends and family in a creative way. My only stipulation was not to use profanity. As the weeks passed, I was impressed with how well they all threw themselves into this project—all except Eric, the oldest boy in my 12 to 15-year-olds. Eric often wandered around the rehearsal space, unfocused and sullen.

"Any ideas for your piece?" I ask, checking in to see if I could help.

"I'm thinking," he'd say and then pace.

With three weeks left in the summer, I took my well-deserved week off to decompress. My boyfriend came up from Toronto and drove me to his parent's house at Post and Bayview, where caterers were preparing the tennis courts for an outdoor party. I walked into his mother's living room, and she gasped. "What happened to you?"

I didn't blame her. I hadn't spent much time looking at a mirror the past four weeks, but one glance at the large one in their bathroom told the full story. My hair was ratty; I had scabs on my knees, bruises on my arms and legs, and I was sunburnt. I was wearing a vintage skirt and blouse that was probably more Value Village than vintage and a pair of worn, scuffed purple moccasins; in essence, I was wearing slippers on my feet.

"Please take her to the mall and at least buy her a pair of shoes," his mother said, handing me her credit card and then rushing off to make sure the stuffed alligator would float in the pool. That week I ate my way through rugelach, hamantaschen, brisket, and bagels while his family watched me with awe and disgust.

Back at camp, the smell of burning insect repellent greeted me along with the news that the sailing and tennis instructors were sacked for disorderly conduct. Never mind, I had renewed energy and a sense of purpose. There were costumes and props to make. Sound and lighting effects to create. And we needed to rehearse. It was only a tiny stage somewhere on a remote camp in Northern Ontario, but the excitement was palpable. I was excited. This would be the best talent show ever, and my kids were going to blow the socks off everyone there!!!

"Eric," I said, "How's your piece coming along?"

"I finished it," he mentioned casually

"That's great. Can I see it?"

"I want to surprise you. You're going to love it, though. I promise."

I patted myself on the back. Eric had a breakthrough. All my encouragement and patience had paid off. Perhaps I'd helped him have a developmental breakthrough.

"Can you tell me what it's about?" I asked.

"The Beatles."

"Great. Okay," and left it at that.

Talent Night arrived along with parents and family friends. The lights dimmed, the kids performed, and the audience enthusiastically applauded as each "Mighty Mite" or "Spirit of Paradise" breezed across the stage, acting out skits about fairies and monsters and assorted escapades. Finally, it was Eric's turn. Out he came, looking serious and theatrical. He cleared his throat and addressed the audience.

"This is called, The Beatles Last Recording Session. By, Me."

Three of his closest camp friends filed out and took a space on the stage. The audience was silent.

There was a dramatic pause, then the piece began.

"Fuck you, Ringo,"

"Fuck you, Paul."

"Fuck you, George."

"Well fuck you, John."

Then they bowed and left the stage.

Personally, I thought it was kind of brilliant. Needless to say, I wasn't showered with accolades about my teaching methods or the effect I had on kids. I left there having no catharsis about mental health except that giving people the opportunity to express themselves without censor is probably a lot healthier than insisting they stay quiet. I admired the honesty displayed in the kid's work. If only, I thought to myself, I could be half as brave. Wasn't that what I was spending time and money learning how to do?

A week after being home, I found myself packing, once more, for school in New York. Our term letters had arrived with instructions on where to buy character shoes, leotards, copies of The Children's Hour, and Death of a Salesman. The camp already felt like it was 391 kilometers away - soon to be 659. My father drove me to the train station with my stepmother beside him; she was there, no doubt, to ensure I boarded.

"You going to be okay?" my father asked, giving me a hug and slipping a $50 bill into my pocket.

"She'll be fine." Elsie chimed in. "You don't have to worry about her. Let's go."

But I wanted my father to worry about me. Not all the time and to the exclusion of all else, but certainly the appropriate fatherly amount.

As I settled myself on the train, I watched my stepmother pull from father from the platform to the car and thought of Eric's brilliant play. Under my breath, I whispered the immortal words of the Beatles, "Fuck you."

#stepmother #mental health #children #young people #summer camp

[humanemotionssuck]

Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

#quaranthings #just quarantine thoughts #2020 #bye2020 #new year

[ahnsael]

Just had another great chat with my brother-in-law (the same one I’ve had issues with in the past) -- the difference was that this one was in person.

It ranged from politics (he’s conservative, but I’m not, but we found agreement on a middle-ground -- let Trump have his challenges, but if he doesn’t have the evidence, he loses), to the Coronavirus (I think the curfews in California are silly, as does he -- just make sure people are wearing masks and practicing social distancing and we’re good, but we also agree that a lot of people are going WAY too far to get out of those mandates -- including California’s Governor who ordered the curfew because, just like the Governor, other people haven’t been following the mandates). to talking about anxiety, and him telling me to text him any time -- and if he’s asleep, he’ll respond when he can, but if he’s awake, he’ll try to help me center myself in that moment.

But with Washington’s travel ban (which was announced the day they arrived from Washington), I was told their visit (which I originally thought was about two weeks, through Thanksgiving, and then found out it was at least through New Year’s Day) may last a bit longer depending on how long this plays out (which, in my opinion, could be a while -- I may find out Tuesday night that my casino is closing again).

I’m hoping I’d have at least a couple days of babysitting the casino before they can secure it again (that took a lot of work on a building with no locks on the doors because we’re open 24/7). And then...I would welcome the time off. I still have unemployment benefits left for the year. I claimed $2,808 of my allotment when we were closed, but (even though the extra $600 meant I was making more without working), I went back to work the day the casino reopened in June, and didn’t claim for the week before that since I knew I had a check coming in the near future.

I just checked, and I still have $5,304 in claims available for the year (a7 more weeks, if needed, at $312/week). And I held onto my BofA card for the account to which it is paid (Nevada, as far as I was able to find out, doesn’t do direct deposit, but deposits into a different account through BofA).

The checks wouldn’t be as big without the extra $600 (which was paid by the federal government and has expired), and I would now make LESS than I make my working, but...I would still have SOME income.

So...whether we get shut down again or not, I’ll be okay. I know the first shutdown was bad for my mental health. But now we know more, and I would know that I don’t have to be the “mask police” for a while, for people who try everything they can to subvert the mandates and risk transmitting the virus. I’m SHOCKED we haven’t had an outbreak in our casino, to be honest (a bar kitty-corner from us, many of whom also visit us, has had one). I won’t have to deal with the selfish jerks.

But I’ll also probably watch too much news and have more anxiety attacks than I have now (even if *I* don’t go out, I’ll be thinking of all the people catching it because they DID go out, even if they did the right things, because a LOT of people in this area just refuse to comply).

I’m just going to see what Tuesday brings and play it by ear from there.

The downside to me if we get shut down: I had a vacation week due a couple weeks after we were shut down originally. Under the shutdown, all paid time off was cancelled. So I still get next week off, but I didn’t get paid for the PTO (paid time off) that I had requested if we’re shut down before that). In fact, I worked that first vacation week, babysitting the empty casino. I was basically just there to call the cops if someone tried to break in thinking we had cash on hand when we were closed and not doing any business.

If we get shut down this week, I lose a week of PTO AGAIN, since it’s scheduled for the week after, and I expect the company to cancel it again. But again, hopefully I can plop my rear end down on a recliner in the Sports Book and tune something fun in on the giant-screen TV, take a walk around every half hour or so to ensure nobody has tried to break in, and call the cops if they did (that didn’t happen in the initial shutdown, so I may want to make it 10-15 minute intervals this time since I know frustration levels are higher). That would at least get me an extra day or two of pay (last time we were shut down, when we didn’t know what the future held when we reopened, I was recognized as someone they REALLY wanted to keep on board if we went to a skeleton crew -- and I still remember the relief in my boss’ voice when he called to say we were reopening and I said I would be there). But I assume the PTO would be cancelled again, even if I don’t have to babysit the casino for that long.

On the plus side, we have a couple of new managers (one was a casino attendant for a few weeks before being promoted, because they have experience, the other is a new hire as a manager whose work history I am unfamiliar with -- but this company took a chance on me, so I’m rooting for them if we took a chance on them as well)

 And our owner was in our manager’s meeting last Thursday. And he (this was a GOOD move on his part) acknowledged that they’re going to feel a little clueless for a while -- there’s a LOT of info thrown at them in a short time, and NONE of us expect them to become experts in their weeks of training. I often tell new managers that it took me six months before I felt like I had a clue what I was doing.

But he encouraged them to ask questions (which is pretty boilerplate). But then he directed them as far as whom to ask. I don’t know if it was in order, but he said “Kenny knows this stuff. Duane (my boss) knows this stuff. Geoff (another boss of mine) knows this stuff Kurt (the guy who actually doesn’t know most of this stuff)” knows this stuff.

All of us that were named have multiple years under our belt. Kut still tells me “this kiosk is down because it’s low on $100 bills” and it turns out to not be that, but a simple fix, and he just made up a reason because he didn’t actually check (but this is also the guy who brought me groceries during the shutdown, and while he may not be the best manager, I will defend him as a human being). The rest named DO know what they’re talking about.

But I was blown away that I was the FIRST one named. This owner will come down on me if I miss something (or maybe I just take it that way because I dislike missing even the smallest details, yet sometimes I do), but...the fact that he named me FIRST, even over my bosses, was a nice moment for me. It may have been just because I was the one who he caught eyes with first. I’m NOT taking this as “I’m better than my boss” (I do NOT want my boss’ job -- too stressful).

But it still felt good.

[literalbuzzkill]

Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD

I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)

Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD

[The Start:]

I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.

I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,

(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)

you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.

We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.

It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)

Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.

Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)

(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)

And eventually I gave up,

I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.

Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.

So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.

I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)

in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.

I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.

Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.

Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.

And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.

I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.

Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.

but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.

I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.

If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying

Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.

If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤

[some-jw-things]

A couple years ago I discovered I was lesbian, I knew that my family (90% jws) will most likely never speak to me again and I’m Ok with that But I have no education( big shocker there) no friends and no where to go when I come out. The family still forces me to go to meetings and things even though I have told them I don’t agree with the teachings Living under their control is really causing me some mental issues but I have very few options to leave Any advice on dealing with this situation?

Okay well I don’t think there’s anything immediate you can do but there are a few little things. Start getting your stuff put into your name only. Bank account, title to car, all vital accounts and bills, like to your phone. Health insurance if you’re American— suddenly losing coverage from your parents’ plan is not fun, and you have more freedom when it’s not about their money. Anything you don’t want your family to be able to take away from you needs to have no legal connection to them.

Second thing I’d work on getting a GED. Anyone over 16 can just take the test whenever with parental permission, but you don’t need that past 18. It’s possible laws vary state to state though, so look it up first. I assume your parents won’t let you but if it’s possible, you might be able to enroll in night classes for adults and get an actual diploma. I’ve heard the GED test is super easy if you can’t— it’s meant to pass people who never got to finish high school

Third thing would be a job. I realize there’s a pandemic now, and some parents don’t let people work in the first place, so there’s also welfare stuff to look into such as unemployment or disability, but I’ll be honest, it’s hard to qualify for either at the best of times, and you need to have been working a certain amount of hours before losing them to count as unemployed, or have a doctor’s certification for disability, which is hard to get if you haven’t already been getting mental treatment

Reach out to a local social worker and ask if you can at least get some advice for free. They might be able to help you with more specific local resources and could help you get everything started and really start preparing to leave. You will have to explain a lot of JW stuff to them if they haven’t worked with Witnesses before. When I talked to the social worker at my high school, it took hours and multiple days, but at the last psych ward I was in, the doctor had already had a ton of JW patients before

Come up with an emergency plan for if it all goes wrong. Do not come out impulsively, make sure at least one person knows that you’re planning to and when to expect to hear from you by

I was told to go to the police station to be taken to a homeless shelter if that happened, but like. Why. Any government building or office should have a handout sheet of shelters and food pantries you can go to, just walk in and ask. If you get kicked out or can’t stay at your family’s house safely anymore (for mental reasons or threats), then this is the just-in-case

I’d also try reaching out to that 10% of your family that aren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses, if that’s an option. Building a social safety net right now is super important. Online friendships may not be quite as much as what you need right now, but any connection is better than no connection, especially if you’re being shunned. At least you’ll be able to talk to somebody. There are also likely mental health support groups in your area, but they’re probably on hold right. There are hotlines though, especially text hotlines if you have no privacy or can’t get out of the house

There are things you can do to prepare to get out and there are things you can do to cope with the situation while you’re still stuck. Mainly though talking to literally anyone is a huge step and could help a lot. I’ve got a few posts on getting through forced Witness events, I’ll reblog this and link them

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Just remember that it’s temporary, and you aren’t alone

#ask #ex jw #ex cult #apostate #ex jehovah's witness #christianity #religion #exjw #jworg

[malandi]

2020

Yes this year was fucking awful for everyone. Even me! ^_^

It started promising. I was thriving in college! Maybe not so much academically. But socially, mentally and physically, I was doing very well. I got a lot of exercise done weekly. I spent a lot of my time surrounded by good people. I got along well with my schoolmates and my roommates, I was comfortable with my life. On my birthday we had a blast together and I was really thankful for my new friends. I had some problems with my health and got surgery (scared shitless but I did well) but in the big picture, that health problem was more of consistent discomfort instead of something huge.

I was happy!

Covid started. My dad came home with us and it all went downhill from there. Despite online classes and pressured to take an online course in harvard, I was expected to do most of the chores and paid some of the bills while my siblings did nothing. I tried to delegate but was met with resistance from my own mom and dismissal from my dad. My dad was abusive towards all of us, overly controlling and nitpicking and losing his shit over the slightest things that living at home was walking on eggshells. He insulted us, gaslit us, accused us of terrible things and tried his best to make us feel like worthless, bad people. Because I was so active in helping out at home, my mom and I took the brunt of most of his rage.

I missed my friends dearly. I don't like social media much, unless anonymity is guaranteed like on tumblr. I never liked chatting, so the transition to online was difficult for me. For a time, all I had was an abusive dad, an enabler mom, siblings who abandoned me to deal with them without realizing. I couldn't tell them what I was going through because I had a hard time communicating.

Online classes were also difficult. I was only able to keep up for two weeks and the after that I didnt attend synchronized classes anymore. A lot of my friends held my hand which I felt guilty for. Even if I cheated, I insisted on learning which took thrice as much time and effort as it usually took me, and I'm not usually a fast learner.

Moving became hard to do. Between school and family problems, I had trouble taking care of myself. I would wake up but stay in bed for hours. If I heard people eating downstairs, I'd wait for them to finish even if i was super hungry just so I could eat alone. I didn't floss a lot even if I had to because I wear braces. Sometimes I didn't brush my teeth at night.

The news affected me. A lot of shit happened in my country. The pandemic poorly handled, in a way that's clear that the people especially the lower class are not prioritized. It was politicised. Frontliners were disregarded at the cost of their lives. The lower class were criminalized to disregard their concerns about starvation and unemployment. The killer of a trans woman was pardoned. Two devastating typhoons hit our country in succession. There were too many terrible things to name that happened. I cried a lot over it, over how helpless I feel.

I miss being a normal kid surrounded by kind people. I miss being in college where we got work done for our country, where we can make a big difference through donations, charity drives, protests and other forms of action. I miss being outside, walking across rivers and grassy areas and applying lotion that wards off mosquitos. I miss petting stray animals. I miss quiet moments with strangers when I eat out or commute and were cordial because we got stuck with each other.

I didnt feel like doing anything anymore. Didn't feel like learning, didn't feel like helping out at home, didn't feel like taking care of myself.

I did emotional self harm by intentionally consuming content that triggered me. Before I sleep at night I'd think of stuff that would hurt me and it easily makes me feel physical pains in my chest. Up to now i still do it, I still make myself cry before I sleep and it feels good. It feels great even when i can't breathe.

But somehow I pulled through. Maybe it's my siblings. Maybe it's my friends. Maybe it's me. It's probably all of us. But we saved me, and I'm still here. And I'm not as happy as before but I'm hoping I'll be happy again. For now it's enough to be alive. I can work on the rest later. I'll work towards being okay.

I'm hoping the same for everyone else. I want everyone to be happy and safe and comfortable. I know a new year coming doesn't really change things. But it can give us the push to change ourselves. It always feels like a second chance. Everyday is a second chance, really, but the start of a new year seems like the best time to do it, right? I hope it gives us the hope and strength to keep holding on. Maybe to make a drastic change. Drop out of a course or quit a job that's depressing you. Move away from your abuser. Pursue an interest you were previously too scared to do. A new year makes people braver. I hope it makes us all brave enough to be kind to ourselves.

Goodbye 2020!

#ᜇᜎ᜔ᜇᜎ᜔

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.