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theamazingwhizzo · 1 year

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For As Long As It Takes

After years of not seeing each other, Kit and Ty find each other on a rainy night. - 2,395 words

Based on the song Memories by Conan Gray. Title also comes from the song.

Tw: Angst.

In AO3

I don't celebrate Valentine's day, in my culture lover's day is in April, so it's more of a coincidence. Enjoy!

Kit-Normal Ty-Cursive

It was raining, as it was most of the time in England. Three years hadn’t made him like it more or even tolerate it. Sometimes he missed the LA sunlight, even if he had gained more colour to his skin now that he didn’t spend most of his time in a basement.

It was Saturday, so there were no classes, and Tessa and Jem with Mina had gone to London for some business and wouldn’t come back until Sunday night. He didn’t mind being alone, he had his comics, and his videogames, and could chat or call his friends.

His bedroom was a complete mess of clothes and bags and comics. Usually, Jem and Tessa let him have the room as he pleased and he could only remember twice they had asked him to put order for very particular situations. He was just a messy person, he knew where everything was, and that was enough.

Except when he didn’t, like now. There was a particular number of Captain America that was nowhere to be found. He tried in his room, the kitchen, the living room, the library. There were too many rooms, and the comic didn’t turn out. He even cleaned and ordered most of his room in hopes of finding it, with no hope.

Someone knocked.

This place was big, bigger than he had expected. He was wet, and tried, and felt like he was going to fall any moment. Nonetheless, he walked toward the house. The road was full of mud from the rain, but the garden had a small path made of stones. At the front door, with his fist up, he hesitated. Maybe he shouldn’t, maybe he would close the door to his face.

He was cold, he could barely feel his fingers, his lips, his toes. The way back would be as long and as harsh as the way in. Maybe he should get going. He knocked.

Kit went to get a pair of socks and walked down the stairs. He screamed “Coming!” while putting the first sock on. It was difficult to walk as he was putting socks on, so it was more like little jumps with the leg he could still use.

He waited, without much option. He heard a noise, then some more. Someone was coming, the steps irregular and messy. Someone said something. Coming. It sounded like Kit, but he couldn’t be completely sure. The steps are closer, Ty feels overwhelmed.

He was pulling up the second sock on while he opened the door, so it took him a few seconds to see who it was.

*Sorry, I for…

He finally looked up and saw Ty Blackthorn at his front door. His mind went blank, trying to process what was going on. He was taller, taller than Kit. And wet. Very wet. His dark clothes, like his hair, looked soaked. And Kit couldn’t, for the love of God, think for a reason as to why Ty would be there. They stood silent while the rain still fell outside, angry.

The door opened and the only thing he could see was gold. Gold hair falling everywhere, he realised he was putting a sock on. He started saying something. Kit hadn’t yet realised it was him. It gave him a moment to take him in before the magic breaks.

*I need your help. There’s no one else who can help me.

Kit blinked and moved aside. Ty’s shoulder’s fell and entered. Kit closed the door after him, and the hit of the heavy door echoed through the corridors of the mansion. In the light, Ty looks even worse. Pale, his lips looked almost blue, and his hair, longer than Kit used to see him (Maybe this was how it was now?), stuck to his face and it dripped to the floor.

Kit looked up and saw him. He had stopped talking. Kit is taller, but still not as tall as him. He’s wearing pyjamas and looks comfortable, and warm, and safe, and everything anyone could possibly want.

And rain still fell and he was still wet and cold, and finally he was talking, the words escaping from his mouth before he could even think them. He waited for Kit to close the door, to tell him to go away, that he was not welcome, that he hadn’t yet forgiven him.

*Come *Was all Kit said.

He went to the kitchen without looking back and trusted Ty would follow as he had told him. There he just told him “Wait”, and left.

Kit moved and Ty went inside. He knows this is not forgiveness, this is not friendship. Maybe he looked just pathetic enough that Kit had taken pity on him. Kit is finally saying something, and his voice is lower. He did as he was instructed and followed Kit when he told him to and stay still when Kit told him to wait.

He sat down on a chair.

Kit took one of the towels from the cupboard in the closest bathroom. He looked for the big ones, white, and turned around. He wasn’t surprised to see Livvy floating on the bathroom floor.

He shouldn’t have come. He needed Kit. He had been the only other person present during the ritual and while buying the ingredients. Anyone else was a risk too high and complicated. But also, he needed Kit. He needed his company, his comments, his smiles, his hugs. No one else was him.

But Kit didn’t want him. He knew, even before he came here, that Kit didn’t want him there. It was a mistake; one he chose to make anyway. Kit had left it very clear he had wished he had never met him. Ty had ruined everything, his friendship with Kit, even Livvy’s death.

*You look older *Livvy said.

*You look the same *Kit answered.

He knew Livvy would understand it for what it was; an apology. She was dead. That wasn’t his fault, but she was also a ghost, and that was his fault. In part. She tried to smile, but it looked wrong.

Coming here, where he knew he wasn’t welcome, was a particular type of pain he had never experienced before. This couldn't end well. Even if Kit forgave him, he would fuck up again, and Kit would hate him too deeply to ever forgive him. He should just got up from the chair and leave before Kit came back.

*Please, don’t turn him away, he needs you.

Kit had to turn away.

*I know. I think deep down I knew this would happen eventually. I’m not going to run.

*Good.

Kit exited the bathroom and carried the towel to the kitchen, where Ty was still sitting on one of the chairs. His head was down, and he was dripping water everywhere, a puddle was forming under him. Livvy couldn’t stay away from Ty for long, so she had to be somewhere near, but he appreciated the attempt to give them space.

He gave Ty the towels, walking as near Ty as he could without soaking his socks. Ty used it to dry his gear and Kit thought of something to say. He had never had problems talking to him until that moment. There was this big gap between them that made it impossible to communicate with him.

Footsteps approached and a towel appeared near him. Ty took it, and noticed that Kit stood a good distance from him. Meticulously, he started to dry his Centurion gear. The material was thick, but mostly waterproof, so it wasn’t that difficult to dry it.

He stood like a statue until Ty finished and left the wet towel on the farm table. Ty, older, taller, in unfamiliar gear, sitting in the kitchen of Cirenworth, was something coming from one of his nightmares, not real life.

Ty had his hands over his legs, his eyes fixed on them. No one of them dare say the first word. Whatever he had imagined, dreamed, about this moment, it hurt. He remembered seeing strangers with black hair and earphones and realised they weren’t Ty hurt. This is worse. Every feeling, every moment, echo, impression, remembrance or reminder he had buried very deep in himself the moment he stood before the portal at Magnus’ wedding and looked at Ty at the beach, it was fighting to come out.

Kit didn’t say anything, didn’t move. Just waited at his side, his presence was impossible to ignore, like a flashing light in the middle of the night, too bright for the dark, and as much as you closed your eyes or put your hand over them, it was impossible not to see it.

He had hoped Ty would go away, would stay and never leave him again. That he would hug him, punch him again, take his hand, to push him away. He wished Ty would just take whatever he wanted and let him be so he could lick his wounds and they would finally heal. But if, after three years apart, he hadn’t managed to really heal them, did that mean they never would?

Ty didn’t say anything, neither did Kit. He didn’t know what he wanted, why he had come. Does the Scholomance know? Julian? Tessa and Jem? Dru? He had to stop his thoughts. He wished he had pockets to hide his hands. They’re trembling, his fist so closed that he can feel the nails digging into the skin.

He puts them behind his back. Ty doesn’t seem to notice.

*I… *Ty made a stop *I know you don’t want to see me. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t an emergency. There’s no one else I can go to.

Kit waited for him to continue. Finally, Ty does.

*There’s something wrong and it's connected to the necromancy. I can’t do it alone.

*I… *Ty had to stop because he felt like he was going to throw up. He swallowed and used the breathing exercises Catarina had shown him. * I know you don’t want to see me. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t an emergency. There’s no one else I can go to.

He waited for Kit to say something, anything. He doesn’t. Ty had no other option but to continue.

*There’s something wrong and it's connected to the necromancy. I can’t do it alone.

He couldn’t, he just couldn’t do it. Talk to Ty, see him, be with him. He had promised himself he wouldn’t let himself do the same he had done when he was with Ty. Doing everything to make him happy, even if he knew better, he should have, all because he couldn’t just say no.

This was the moment, Ty thought, this was the moment he had finally had enough and would tell him to get out. He hasn’t forgiven you, he was not his friend, his Watson. There was no Watson for him.

He had never prayed to Raziel, wouldn’t even know how to even if he wanted, but he didn’t believe Raziel went around just answering them, so what would be the point? Still, he hoped for a miracle, for Kit to accept, because he just missed him, and didn’t think he could stand being rejected for a second time.

Too scared to be alone, too scared to lose his only friend, his only… He couldn’t repeat history again, and he knew it would happen if he accepted Ty’s call for help. But he also knew he couldn’t just say no to Ty when he was asking, almost begging, when he clearly needed it.

The kitchen stood silent, the clock still clicked, the rain still fell. And then a noise broke the silence, a simple word, so easy he almost believed he dreamed it.

For all the life he had constructed these last years, he felt in that moment less solid, more like he was in a stupid bouncy castle. He felt stupid, so stupid, because even if he knew better, he was going to do it anyway. Not if he needed help, he couldn’t have turned his back on him in that way.

*Ok.

He didn’t know where it came from, it just came and he couldn’t get them back. Ty glance went up from his hands to Kit’s shirt, and Kit was scared about what it meant.

And this must be a dream. Because there was no way Kit had accepted. Kit, who in his nightmares repeated how he wished he had never met Ty, was never his friend, he hated him. And then he woke up and he was in the Scholomance and in reality, most of it wasn’t a dream but memories from a day he wished he could just forget.

And then Kit left, and didn’t even leave anything behind beyond the memories Ty had of them and the messy sheets of what was once his bedroom to prove he had been there, he hadn’t been real.

And then there was only Livvy to hold onto, but a ghost, he learned fast, was not like the living. As ghosts couldn’t be touched, they also couldn’t be someone’s anchor, only someone’s damnation. And there was Anush and other students that could almost be considered friends, but mostly his studies to focus and held on to. But every piece he took kept crumbling in his hands, falling and breaking and disappearing, and he just wished a little bit of peace.

He wanted to scream, cry, burn. But he barely showed any emotion. It was a dam he couldn't handle opening.

And this hat to be a dream. Because there was no way Kit had accepted. Kit, who in his nightmares repeated how he wished he had never met Ty, was never his friend, he hated him. And then he woke up and he was in the Scholomance and in reality, most of it wasn’t a dream but a memory. But he just couldn’t forget.

And at the end, when all hope was lost, he could only go back to the person he knew for certain didn’t want to see him and pray that the memories of what they once were would be enough for him to help him.

But he looked at Ty, and knew he was lost, and he would only be able to find himself anew.

In the end, he just wished for enough.

#it was written in two hours at night and it shows #Kitty fanfiction #kit herondale #ty blackthorn #kit herondale my beloved #ty blackthorn my beloved #kit herondale x ty blackthorn #the wicked powers #twp #the dark artifices

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thechangeling · 1 year

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I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

Alyssa Reyes finds herself in some trouble and finds herself seeking help from The Unseelie King.

Cw: Sex mention, binge drinking mention, mentions of ableism and racism, autistic dehumanization, and what I like to call enneagram four trauma.

Song title is from Taylor Swift's Antihero.

For my fellow autistic enneagram fours. 💜

Alyssa raced across the winding dirt pathways, frantically brushing past bushes and low hanging branches that were obstructing her way. Her chest heaved rapidly as she gasped for air.

Damn she really was out of shape, and now she was paying the price for it.

Her lungs burned so badly that she was almost considering stopping for just a moment. But the sounds of the Seelie soldiers chasing her quickly deterred her from making that choice, so she pressed on, heaving and kicking up dirt as she ran.

This was all her fault. She had made a stupid and impulsive decision in the middle of wallowing in despair and now naturally she was suffering for it. Granted she thought the soldiers were a slight overreaction, but Janus really didn’t mess around.

Janus. Fucking hell. He was real. Like literally real. He looked exactly like the pictures she had seen of Jace Herondale in books on The Mortal War. (Alyssa had commented that he looked like the kind of guy who would call her a slur to her face and Ty had shoved her lightly, shaking his head.) Ty had told her stories about Thule and how there were other versions of them. How the alternate Jace had managed to escape here and was now rumored hiding out in Seelie, plotting with the queen.

As it turns out that rumour was pretty fucking true.

Aly stumbled over a messy patch of weeds and immediately shot out her hand to balance herself against a nearby tree trunk. Pure boiling panic was searing through her skin, like it was burning her from the inside. She knew she should probably just transform to her wolf form. That way she would be faster, and she could even defend herself if she absolutely had to. But she knew killing Seelie soldiers when they were technically just exercising their right to defend their territory would probably not go over super well with The Clave. She wasn’t even supposed to be here at all.

Once again, she was kind of amazed at her own stupidity. Had she really needed sex that badly? The answer was no, of course not. But in the moment she had wanted to cling to someone, to be close. Whenever Alyssa was feeling wounded, she always looked for someone to give her attention to make her feel better. She felt needy and insecure, so she would grab whoever she could, some random person to call her beautiful and funny and interesting, to make her feel like she mattered. Then her impulsivity due to her ADHD would lead to making shitty and questionable choices and whoops!

She frantically looked up ahead. The checkpoint between Seelie and Unseelie was now in her sights, guarded by Unseelie soldiers. If she could just get there, get to Kieran then everything would be ok. Aly knew it might be stupid to put so much faith in a stranger, but the way Ty talked about him made her feel like she could trust him. And if he knew she was a friend of Tiberius Blackthorn, kin of his beloved Mark, then he would be inclined to help. At least she really hoped.

But at this point, she really didn’t have any other options.

There was a dark whispering in the back of her head, telling just to give up. Telling her to let death come for her because what was the point?

“There she is!” she heard a deep voice call from a few paces behind her. “Surround her! Do not allow her to escape!”

And just like that, Alyssa’s feet were moving again.

When she finally arrived at the checkpoint she was panting and drenched in sweat. Kieran’s redcaps immediately tensed at the sight of her, falling into a combat stance and drawing their weapons. They were dressed in dark red and black armor, with dark red velvet capes. Spikes adorned the pauldrons and there was an intricate engraving of the Unseelie broken crown on the breastplate. Some soldiers carried swords, and some clearly favored the bow. She slowed down against her better judgment and immediately registered the burn of her calves. Alyssa could still hear the Seelies on her heels.

She took a gasping breath. “Please.”

“Identify yourself!” The Redcap at the front snapped, eyeing her suspiciously.

“I-” Alyssa fought for the words to come to her, but her brain was too foggy and exhausted.

“She is a werewolf! She has no right to be here,” one of the soldiers exclaimed, pointing at the scar that ran across her collarbone, down towards her chest. Aly’s lungs still burned as she took giant heaving gulps.

“Please, I need to see Kieran!” she finally managed.

The leading Redcap scoffed at her. “You cannot simply demand to see the king.” There was a chorus of chuckles from the rest of the Redcaps.

Aly’s knees chose that super inconvenient moment to give out. She collapsed forwards, falling onto her palms. Her whole body was doing that annoying shaking thing it did when she was completely burnt out.

She forced herself to speak. “I’m a friend of Tiberius Blackthorn, Mark Blackthorn’s brother. The king will not be pleased with you if you turn me away.” She glared at them. “ If I die here, Ty will make sure you pay for it. Not to mention, the entire New York Pack will seek vengeance.”

But was that really true? Would Ty really seek vengeance in her name? Would Maia or any of the others? Was she really important enough to anyone to receive that kind of devotion and loyalty?

Would her death even really matter at all?

She shook her head aggressively. That was the voice talking. She couldn’t let it get to her. “Please,” she said desperately. “Do you hear those men back there? They’re coming after me. I need to see your king. I need his protection and a way back to my world, to my home.” She tried to appeal to the humanity of the soldiers, if they had any. She had to believe they did, she had to believe that most faeries weren’t naturally evil.

“I understand you’re protective of him. It’s your job to be. If you want you can bind my hands. I promise you I am no threat to him.”

The Seelie soldiers behind her were closing in and by now they could clearly see that she was at the checkpoint and in the custody of Unseelie soldiers. She hoped that would give them pause. The Redcaps exchanged reluctant looks amongst themselves. Alyssa could hear her heart hammering against her chest like a rabid animal trying to break free of its cage.

She closed her eyes and considered sending a silent prayer to God. Instead, even though she knew he wouldn’t hear her, wouldn’t receive this message, she whispered.

“I’m sorry Ty.”

“Very well” a voice jolted her back to the present. Her eyes flew open as the Redcaps were pulling her to her feet. She watched as one of the soldiers grabbed one of the vines growing nearby and tied her hands together in front of her.

“We shall let the king decide your fate.”

Alyssa was tediously marched along the aggravatingly long road to the Unseelie court. She and the Redcaps walked past tall trees and vast rivers and ponds filled with Nixies and Mermaids as well as some creatures she couldn’t even recognize. She could see villages with little stone houses with luxurious gardens and children playing games outside. There were faeries everywhere, working, talking, painting, laying together in the grass staring up at the cloudless sky.

It was honestly beautiful. She could see why Kieran had fought for this place, fought to protect it and its people. She was almost a little jealous, jealous that she didn��t live here, that she didn't have something of her own that she felt so in awe of. Alyssa was always seeing what could be, always wanting things to be better, more beautiful, brighter and more extraordinary. She was never satisfied. Nothing was ever good enough for her and she hated to feel this way, hated to be such a pessimist.

People stared at her as they passed, children pointed and their parents whispered to each other frantically. Alyssa knew she must look like absolute shit, her hair a mess, her clothes dirty and covered in sweat. She also wondered how many of them had ever seen a mortal before, let alone a werewolf.

As she was dragged through the woods towards the outdoor Unseelie Court, she couldn’t help but beat herself up again for letting herself get into this situation. Sometimes it seemed like no matter how hard she tried not to be, Alyssa was just a problem. A mistake. Her parents certainly felt that way. She had been reeling from the effects of a rather suffocating dinner with her family where she once again dealt with questions of marriage and her education, a future career. Little pokes and prods and disapproving looks accompanied by remarks like, “why can’t you just be more like your sister?”

Alyssa knew it came from a place of caring. She knew that they were only worried about her and wanted for her to have a good life. A life where she could be successful and have access to opportunities they didn’t at her age. But it hurt to know that because of her brain and the way it worked, the way she was, she would never fully be accepted or understood by her family. She didn’t want the life her parents wanted for her, she didn’t even think she could reasonably achieve it without completely burning out.

She knew there were doctors and lawyers with adhd and/or autism, there had to be. But she was never a brainy type. Not smart like Ty. She didn’t come with her own special skill set that could be useful to capitalism. Just a love of alt rock, Buffy the vampire slayer, and a penchant for driving away the people she loved. So she turned to partying, to drinking, dancing and flirting just to feel something other than crushing disappointment at herself. At her own life, and at the world around her.

This place was fucked. This society was fucked. The worst part was Alyssa knew it could be so much better. She could see it. It could be glorious.

They finally came upon the Unseelie court, there were tents pitched in rows, most likely belonging to the gentry and the soldiers. Alyssa knew that most of Kieran’s brothers had gone into hiding after he had ascended the throne, but the ones that were left were most likely here as well. Not that she could recognize them. She could also see stalls similar to the ones at the shadow market selling their wares. Nobel fae wandered about, conducting their business. This time no one stared at Alyssa. No one even paid her a second glance. They were probably somewhat used to seeing criminals and prisoners of Unseelie being dragged before the king.

And there was the throne, a massive towering stone structure. It was currently empty. Kieran was probably in his tent which was obviously the biggest and the grandest, covered in golden and black silks with the broken crown emblem stamped on them. A Redcap broke away from the crowd to approach Kieran’s tent, most likely to inform him of the situation and summon him to his throne. It was then, Alyssa realized again that perhaps leaving her fate in the hands of a stranger was not the smartest plan. Once and a while those old naive autistic tendencies that she thought she had successfully stamped out with a healthy dose of paranoia reared their ugly heads. The urge to trust and believe in people, the goodness of people. It was pathetic.

Well there really wasn't much she could do about it now as she watched Kieran emerge from his tent wearing beautiful dark clothes made from silk and a long velvet red cape with the broken crown embroidered in gold. He was quite beautiful. She could absolutely see what Cristina and Mark saw in him.

He also looked exhausted. Exhausted and pissed by the looks of it. His hair was jet black and his mouth was set into a fine line.

Well that didn’t exactly bode well for her.

Shit.

The instant he spotted her, a look of complete bewilderment fell across his face which was almost a little funny. However he quickly shook it off as he ascended the throne and one of the Redcaps blew a horn. Alyssa didn't know what it was for, but as the members of the gentry exited their tents and began to line up on either side of the throne, she could guess. This sort of thing was supposed to have an audience.

Kieran continued to narrow his eyes at her as the members of the court settled down.

“By all the gods, could someone explain to me what I am looking at?” He asked flatly.

“Um... Alyssa?” she offered.

“She is a werewolf, Your Highness,” One of the Redcaps chimed in.

Kieran rolled his eyes. “Yes thank you I am aware of that fact. I was of course referring to, why she happens to be presently standing in my court.”

The Redcap behind her, roughly pushed her forward. “ Your Highness, she was running from the Seelie court, pursued by their soldiers. She claims she connected to The Blackthorns and demanded to speak with you.”

Alyssa scoffed. “I wouldn’t say “demanded,” ok? I was just kinda stressed out at the time.” She found that talking with her hands tied as an autistic/adhd person was incredibly hard, but she managed. “Look, I can explain.”

The Redcap who had pushed her instantly grabbed her by the neck and squeezed. “You will speak when the king permits it!”

“That’s enough Winter!” Kieran snapped. “Unhand her at once.”

Winter. As in General Winter. Aly had heard Ty mention him before.

General Winter reluctantly obeyed his king, releasing her and letting her splutter.

“Please,” Kieran gestured casually in front of him. “Explain.”

Aly sighed. This was going to marginally suck. But if everything went her way, she would get to leave her with her head still attached.

“I was at a party last night, where I met a Seelie,” she began. “We started talking and we really hit it off.” She instantly realized that certain mundane phrases like “hit it off” might not make sense to most faeries. But Kieran was used to spending time around mortals, and he was probably used to hearing people talk this way. “I thought he was attractive, he seemed to feel the same way about me, so the evening turned sexual and he invited me home with him.”

Kieran raised his eyebrow at her. “You were under the impression that traveling to another realm to pursue sex was a perfectly logical decision?”

Alyssa blew air out of her lips in a huff. “Look I wasn’t really thinking clearly at the time. I was like, five shots of tequila in and I don’t know if you know this but tequila is evil! It will fuck you so hard and not in a fun way!” She found that in order to compensate for having her hands tied, she had started to sway back and forth a little when she spoke.

Kieran looked like he was trying not to smile.

“And anyways, I was just in like a really bad mood last night. And I didn’t want to think, I just wanted to feel good. I just wanted to stop hurting," she trailed off realizing she might be giving too much information.

But Kieran was staring at her with a strange look on his face. Like he understood.

"So I went back with him to a house in Seelie, which seemed kind of hidden away. Which in hindsight maybe should have been a giant red flag but I'm famous for treating red flags like welcome signs," Alyssa said with a self-deprecating tone. “So we slept together, had sex, made love whatever you want to call it and then-”

Kieran interrupted her. “Was it enjoyable?”

Alyssa faltered for a moment. “Huh?”

Kieran was leaning forward in his seat. He appeared to be thoroughly invested in her story. “The sex I meant, was it enjoyable? I was merely curious.”

Alyssa bit her lip to stifle a laugh. She had almost forgotten how casual and no BS faeries were about these things. She and Ty often spoke at length about how they were usually judged and considered freaks for speaking openly about sex. Allistic people called it “having no filter,” Alyssa called it being straightforward and not beating around the bush. She would never understand why alistics love to play 3D chess in their everyday interactions, also coding messages within other messages and then getting offended when someone didn’t realize what you secretly meant.

It was ridiculous.

But faeries weren’t like that at all. Alyssa could definitely get used to this.

She smirked. “I mean, yeah it was good. I tend to prefer women, but it was actually really good. Still debating whether it was worth it given my current situation,” she gestured with her bound hands.

Kieran laughed. “Of course my lady. Winter if you wouldn’t mind cutting our new friend’s bindings?”

Winter clearly looked displeased by this, but obeyed the command.

Aly wrinkled her nose. “I’m not a lady,” she grumbled, immediately wiggling her fingers once they were free.

Kieran looked taken aback for a moment, then nodded. “Apologies, how shall I address you?”

“I’m just Alyssa,” she said with a shrug. “ Or Aly. I’m not anything.”

Kieran studied her for a moment in silence. Alyssa avoided his gaze, fiddling awkwardly with her hair.

“That is not true.” He spoke passionately. “Your presence is a delight.”

Alyssa couldn’t help but instantly snap her head back up, staring at his face. She still couldn’t bring herself to make direct eye contact especially now that she was trying to unmask. But she found the dark abyss of his Onyx coloured eye did not put her off in the same way.

And there was something about his voice. The pure emotion of it. It uncomfortably reminded her of a time long ago, before she knew better. When she was so brutally open with her feelings, her bloodied bursting heart. She would show it to the world without a care, without thinking it through and then suffer the consequences. Kieran was a king. He should know better.

“Go on then,” Kieran encouraged her. “What occurred afterwards?”

And yet it was intoxicating in a sense. Being given permission to be genuine when she thought she had lost the ability to do so.

Alyssa sighed. Now she had a choice. She could be honest and reveal the truth about Janus finding her there and explain why he was so furious. She could explain that the man she had gone home with was not just some common Seelie or even a member of the gentry, but the prince himself.

Ash. The son of The Seelie Queen and Sebastian Morgenstern.

But if she did tell the truth, Alyssa would be putting Ash in danger by revealing his existence to The Unseelie Court, to the enemy of The Seelie Queen. She hadn’t known Ash for very long but it was long enough to know that he wasn’t evil like his mother. Or at least he appeared that way.

But what was the point of being loyal to a man she had just met? Especially when she had been burned so many times before. People loved to say, trust your gut, trust your instincts. But she was autistic, her instincts were fucked, like a compass that was incapable of finding true north. She trusted Ty. He had earned that. Possibly Anush now as well, but everyone else was suspect. But Ty trusted Kieran. Ty considered him family and she had to trust that.

The soldiers were getting restless with her lack of response.

“She is lying, Your Highness!”

“You cannot trust this outsider!”

General Winter moved to grab her again, but one raised hand from Kieran stopped him in his tracks and silenced them all. Aly was almost a little envious of how clearly adored he was by his people.

“Are you afraid?” He asked her.

“To die? No, not really.”

A kaleidoscope of emotions crossed his face, he appeared both horrified and understanding at the same time. Kieran was silent for a moment, and then.

“How would you feel if we were to speak privately?” General Winter immediately began to protest. “Guards will be posted outside of course,” he stated pointedly. “Given your current state, you must be eager for a bath and a clean set of clothing.”

Aly blushed. Right she had almost forgotten how crappy she must look. Normally she wouldn’t. Normally her appearance was crucial for striking the right image, making people see what she wanted them to. But the excitement of the last few hours had distracted her. She nodded.

Kieran nodded back at her. “Very well.” He waved a few servants over. “Bring her to my tent, have her bathed and dressed. I shall join her shortly.”

Alyssa scoffed. “I don’t need people to help me bathe.”

The women Kieran had summoned all looked completely baffled at the way she was speaking to The King, but he just smirked.

“Very well. They shall draw your bath and then leave you alone. Has anyone ever informed you that you possess quite a prickly disposition, dear Alyssa?”

“Yup,” she answered, deadpan.

Kieran grinned at her. He grinned and in that moment she saw why he was so beloved. By his people, by Mark and Cristina, even by the Blackthorns. His smile had a way of reaching deep down inside of you and causing something to bloom. A compulsion of some sort. A compulsion to be near him and to keep him smiling.

She had almost forgotten the Redcaps were still there, until General Winter not so gently nudged her towards Kieran’s tent.

Aly had a complicated relationship with bathing. As an autistic person it was sensory hell and as an ADHD person she had a hard time remembering to clean herself often. Also due to “the incident”, she had a hard time being submerged in water. But she was also incredibly vain and obsessed with looking good, so her image required her to maintain cleanliness. So in order to deal with this, she often played music while she showered or bathed to distract herself and make it more fun.

Tonight she was playing “I’m only happy when it rains” by Garbage as she scrubbed the dirt from her body. Her phone thankfully wasn’t dead yet, although it obviously didn’t get any service or wifi in faerie. She tried not to think about if she was being missed back home. If Ty and Anush were up in arms trying to rally a search party to go and find her.Not that it would amount to anything, most of the shadowhunters at that God forsaken place were at best, indifferent towards her. Or maybe they hadn’t even noticed she was gone. She could see Ty, too deep into a case to remember to eat let alone notice her missing presence. And Anush?

Well they were getting along better now sure, for Ty’s sake. But Aly wasn’t really sure if they would be classified as friends. Not that she really understood the concept of friendship anyways. She had always struggled with knowing when it was ok to call someone a friend. She almost always got it wrong.

And there was this barrier between her and most people. One she couldn’t seem to break. Ty had a version of this as well, but even he seemed to be ok at making connections after enough time and effort had been put in from the other person. Alyssa was distrustful of most people and resentful of any attempts to truly know her or understand her. Because it was fake. Because no one would ever be able to understand her. But she still wished she could be understood. She still wanted to be seen and known. To be loved. In her mind they were almost the same thing.

How long now had she been mistaking attention for genuine care? Attention for love?

She felt disparate, needy and pathetic. She latched onto whatever she thought would make herself feel better. Whatever she thought would dull the pain of normality. Of the boring dreary day to day mundane activities of this world. Nothing was ever special enough. She wasn’t even special enough. And she wasn’t normal, she was a freak who didn't fit in anywhere but she still wasn’t extraordinary.

She was just a mistake.

Every day it was like she was in mourning. Mourning the loss of her true identity, her true potential, whoever she was supposed to be. She was mourning the death of that girl. And now she just felt like a walking corpse. Like a ghost or a vampire.

There was this theory discussed in disabled communities about being considered “socially dead.” Useless to society, useless to capitalism and therefore basically dead. Alyssa resented the idea being applied to other disabled people and she cursed the despicable nature of society, being so inclined to give up on so many wonderful, brilliant, intelligent and passionate people.

But not her. She could see the worth and the significance in almost every person, even the ones she hated. But not her.

As she bathed and dressed in the dress the servants had brought her she couldn’t help but feel abandoned. After all, if anyone was looking for her, Ty or Maia, or anyone really, wouldn’t she have heard about it by now?

Well fine then. Fuck them.

After brushing her hair out, which was made more wavy by the water, Alyssa stared at herself in the mirror. Most of the time she hated looking at her reflection because it felt like looking at a stranger. She could never find herself in the mirror. She stared at the dress instead of her face. It was long, white and silky with a baggy long sleeve. There was a scratchy material laid over the front skirt of the dress which had a sparkle to it. Aly found herself grabbing at it and rubbing it between her fingers. It felt good.

She snuck a glance back up at the mirror and was startled to see Kieran’s face as well as her’s, staring back at her.

“Jesus!” She exclaimed, grabbing at her chest as if she could calm her racing heart. “You scared the crap out of me!”

“I apologize, Alyssa. I had assumed that you would hear my approach.”

She was still watching him in the mirror. He seemed almost transformed, a completely different man from the one who sat on that throne. He seemed shy and gloomy, his shoulders hunched and his gaze dulled. Once again Alyssa could see that exhaustion prominent on his face, carrying throughout his entire body.

Kieran sighed and ran a hand through his hair, which had shifted to a more stormy colour. A deep dark blue. “May I sit?” He asked, gesturing at the bed.

Alyssa then finally turned around, staring at him properly. “It’s your place, you don’t really have to ask for my permission.”

Kieran smiled a humorless smile. “Perhaps not, yet it is still polite to ask.”

Alyssa couldn’t help but feel a little warm and fluttery at that. He was the kind of person who didn’t want to take advantage of his position to get things, to make people do things. Even though he probably could. She knew from Ty a lot of Kieran’s brothers were absolute dicks, using their royal status to abuse and manipulate people.

And yeah sure, Kieran didn’t deserve a gold medal for not being a complete asshole. But Aly couldn’t really remember the last time she had experienced genuine kindness from someone who was basically a stranger. A person who had no expectations of getting something out of it. At the Scholomance she wasn’t exactly well liked by most people other than Ty and Anush. Most strangers either found her weird for being autistic in public or they were being flat out racist and decided to judge her based on preconceived bias or shove her into a stereotype. She had kind of almost gotten used to it in a way.

Aly still didn’t believe in the monarchy or support it as a valid form of government, but maybe Kieran was the only person who actually deserved to be king.

He smiled at her again. “Won’t you sit? We have much to discuss.”

She flopped onto Kieran’s bed, pulling her knees up to her chest. “Right, you want to know about the Seelie.”

Kieran nodded. “But we need not discuss it immediately. I thought I should let you know that I have written to my Lady Cristina informing her of your situation. She will get in contact with Maia and have her come to retrieve you.”

Alyssa noticed that Kieran used more casual language with her when they were in private. Maybe he had become used to that way of talking from being around The Blackthorns. It also made her feel a little better to know that Maia actually wanted her back.

Kieran was studying her intensely. “Forgive me but. I thought you would be more excited at the prospect of going home.”

Alyssa sighed, trying not to let her emotions overwhelm her. The last thing she needed was to start sobbing in front of Kieran.

“I am, it’s just sort of hard to explain.” She gnawed at her bottom lip.

Kieran gave her another one of those unsettling stares. It was almost like he could see right through her. “Would you care to try? We have time.”

And normally Aly wouldn’t fall for this. She would go back to masking, put up her fake smile and her stupid manufactured persona and tell everyone that she was fine. It was no big deal, she was just being overly dramatic like always. Make a joke, give a well timed smile and hair flip, and then distract by changing the subject.

But fuck it. Faeries appreciated honesty right? And she would be gone by tomorrow.

“Do you ever feel like everything is meaningless? Like your life is meaningless and this world is meaningless and no matter what you do you will always be in pain because you’re like, inherently unlovable or whatever?” She asked.

Kieran’s gaze shifted to something that felt solemn as he nodded. “Yes I do feel that way sometimes. More so when I was younger.” He paused. “I came from a family that was incredibly cold and unnurturing. Such is the way of royalty I suppose. My mother who might have loved me was killed by my father when I was very small, and he only ever saw me as a burden or competition. Cruelty and neglect became the language of my upbringing, my childhood. I had no understanding of what it meant to love and be loved in return.”

Aly wasn’t really sure what to say. She had never been great at comforting people.

“Man that really sucks,” she said with a grimace. “I feel guilty for whining now, my childhood wasn’t nearly as bad as yours.”

Kieran shook his head firmly. “No, do not diminish the importance of your pain. It is not a competition.”

Alyssa felt tears well up in her eyes. Not once had anyone ever said anything like that to her. Everyone was always telling her to be grateful for what she had. She had a family, a mother and a father who for the most part really did love her and were not abusive. They tried their best. She had a sister who she knew despite their differences and their fights, really did care. And now she had friends! Something she had been deprived of her entire childhood. She was given a good life with plenty of opportunities and everyone always reminded her of that every day.

Not once had anyone ever told her that she was allowed to be angry or resentful or in pain. That she was allowed to feel what she felt. No one, not fucking once had ever told Alyssa that she was entitled to feel like she deserved better. That she had experienced genuine emotional trauma and that she was allowed to be traumatized and it didn't mock the lived experiences of other people.

Until now.

Aly wiped her eyes. “My whole life, I always felt so alone, like nobody really understood me. I felt so alienated by my parents and my sister. My aunts and uncles, my grandparents, none of them really saw me.” (Lola and lolo, her brain supplied. But she doubted Kieran would know the Filipino words for grandma and grandpa.) “I guess that’s still true even now.”

Kieran nodded. “I was also misunderstood throughout my childhood. Everyone thought me to be far too emotional, too sensitive, too whimsical even.” At Aly’s confused look he laughed. “Yes, I lost that last one rather quickly as I aged.”

Alyssa grimaced. “Yeah me too honestly.” She worried about sounding too self centered. People had always told her that she was always taking over conversations and making everything about her. She never meant to, it was honestly just how she tried to relate to people.

Kieran’s hair began to change to a more cobalt colour. “I also felt as though it was my doing. This abandonment and rejection I was experiencing. I felt as though it was my fault. If only I could simply just act differently and be what they wanted then perhaps I would be worthy of their love and acceptance.”

“Yeah,” Alyssa chimed in. “Like if you could just mold yourself into what they wanted then suddenly it would click and you would feel like you belonged. You feel like maybe it’s your fault for being incapable of true connection, like maybe you did this to yourself and if you could just stop being such a brat and let people try to be intimate with you then suddenly you would feel whole.”

“But that never happened. It was never enough, I was never enough, and my father only ever saw me as a threat to his power. He sent me away to the wild hunt out of fear that I would take his crown,” Kieran lamented.

“But then you did,” she pointed out with a smirk.

“Well yes. Because he did not deserve it. Because he had no love or genuine care for this land or its people.”

“But you do?”

“Yes I do,” he hesitated, choosing his words carefully. “I see so much beauty and promise in this place. In every person, every living creature, every little piece of this realm. It is all sacred, filled with the beauty of both the extraordinary and the mundane. Many mortals think us cruel and uncaring, but perhaps that is only because it is the only way we have known for centuries. In order to secure our own survival. I would like to show them another way. A better way. Perhaps it is a flightless fantasy, born of childish optimism. But I would like to try.”

Aly was pulling at her hair, twisting it into knots. It hurt to hear him talk like that. To be so optimistic and positive. To have belief in something.

“How can you be so positive? After everything you’ve seen? Everywhere I go I’m just so overwhelmed by how wrong everything is. How stupidly common and bleak and shitty this world is. It’s not what I want. It’s never been what I want. I’ve always wanted to make things better, to make myself better but it’s never good enough. I’ll always be broken.”

Kieran reached for her out of concern, but she swatted his hand away. Alyssa didn't like to be touched randomly, especially by people she didn't know well. She stood up and began to pace in the room. She knew this was a messy and slippery slope that she really didn't want to be on. If nothing we do matters then all that matters is what we do. It was the mantra from Angel she repeated to herself over and over on days like this. But sometimes it just wasn’t good enough. She felt more like Faith.

There’s just pain and hate and nothing you do means anything!

“Listen to me Alyssa,” Kieran’s voice was like a calm and steadying force that guided her back to herself. He pushed himself off the bed and carefully approached her. “I am not always so positive, as you said. I miss my Mark and my Lady Cristina. Terribly. I am constantly overwhelmed by my royal duties and the nagging questions of whether I am making the correct choices. And sometimes I feel as you do. That the world is hopelessly mundane and full of, as you said, "shit."

She smirked at the sound of him swearing. “You’re lucky you know. That you have them.” She wasn’t jealous of the romance. That wasn’t something she ever wanted. But she was jealous of their relationship in a sense. The feeling of being truly supported and loved was something she had never really felt.

It was hypocritical as shit for her to feel snubbed by Ty for his lack of overwhelming emotion and affection for her when she constantly dragged Kit for his reaction to the same thing. But that was always the way with Aly. There were different rules for her then there were for everyone else because she was a self obsessed, horrible person.

“Do you not have someone of your own?” He asked non-judgmentally.

Aly shrugged. “I mean not really? Which is fine because I've never wanted a “person” in a stupid cliche romcom way. I’ve never felt like that about anyone and I don’t want to. But-” she trailed off. “I wish I didn’t feel so alone. I have friends, I have Ty which I'm grateful for. But.. I don’t know.”

Kieran stared at her knowingly. “You feel as though something is missing. You need more.”

Alyssa groaned and rubbed at her face. All of her makeup had been washed off in the bath and she felt strangely naked without it. “I don’t hold it against him ok? It’s not his fault. He’s just a head type, and I'm more heart. I live by messy bleeding emotions and sometimes Ty just doesn’t get it or know how to handle it. And sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up with him either, you know?” Alyssa didn't really feel like explaining the nuances of autism to Kieran, but honestly that was probably part of it. Each autistic person had such a unique and separate inner world that no one else could really break through.

Like, sure they understood a lot about each other and related to each other but it wasn’t perfect. And maybe that was ok, perfect was probably a lot to ask for. But Alyssa still wanted it. Felt like she needed it. And at the same time she knew she would be furious with Ty if he tried to claim he understood her and what she felt, what she was going through. Because he didn't. No one did and no one ever would.

Aly didn’t even think she wanted to be understood at this point.

Kieran looked like he wanted to reach for her again, but was restraining himself. This time she reached for him tentatively, testing the waters. His hands were cold against hers, she was always burning hot no matter what she did. He laced his fingers firmly in hers and swallowed.

“It is painful, to say the least. To feel as though no matter how loved you are, no matter how many new lives are intertwined with your own, no matter how much less alone you feel, you will always be separate. You will never truly be known. At times, it feels almost impossible to become a we.”

“And then you just decide that there is no we,” Alyssa chimed in. “There is only me. There’s me, and then there’s everybody else, and we’re never gonna merge.”

Kieran made a humming sound and frowned at her. “Perhaps. However I would invite you to ask yourself if feeling truly connected to other people in every sense of the word is necessary. Is it essential for true happiness?”

Aly scowled at him.

Kieran squeezed her hands. “Hear me, dear Alyssa. When I first laid eyes on Mark Blackthorn I was convinced he was my salvation. The answer to all of my troubles. I felt as though after a lifetime of loneliness and abuse, he would be the one to finally understand me, see me for who I was and tell me who I was meant to be. However I quickly realized that Mark was just a man and his love could not magically fix me, or give me all the answers I sought, and powerful love could still exist without a full understanding of one another. I learned this lesson once again with Lady Cristina, for she and I are even more different.”

Alyssa dropped his hands. “How the hell did you go from accidentally getting Julian and Emma whipped by the wild hunt because you were trying to drag Mark back to you out of jealousy and paranoia, to feeling like this?”

Kieran’s eyes widened in shock. “How did you hear of this? Tiberius was not present. How did he learn of the events that transpired?”

Aly threw up her hands, flighty and casual. "I don't know? Maybe Mark told him? All I know is Ty definitely knows because he told me.”

Kieran’s shoulders slumped a little as he sighed. “Well? What was your opinion of me once you learnt of this foolish and barbarous act? I must admit I am surprised you still sought me out.”

Aly laughed humorlessly. “Honestly? My first thought was that I could see myself doing something like that. Out of desperation, out of pure selfish need. Out of fear of losing him.” She gravitated back towards the bed and plunked herself down.

"I've always had this feeling my whole life, of needing to keep this death grip on the people I love. My family is a different story, they can’t leave me. We’re stuck together, that’s the whole point. But my friends, however few I’ve had over the years, I’m always so paranoid about being abandoned. So I get annoying and needy, and desperate even sometimes cruel and I end up driving people away. It’s kind of a miracle that hasn’t happened with Ty yet.”

Kieran pondered this in silence, watching her. “It was one of my worst moments,” he stated solemnly. “One that I will regret for as long as I live. But we are not defined by our worst moments.”

Alyssa scoffed. “Oh yeah? What if all you have are just worst moments? Just consistent fuck up after fuck up? When does that become who you are? She gripped her hands into fists.

Kieran winced, looking down at where her nails embedded themselves in the tender flesh of her palms.

“And the truth is I'm never going to change because I just don’t have it in me. Because I don’t want to change. As dysfunctional as it is, this is what I'm used to.” Tears began to cloud her vision as the truth of the situation hit her. Why was she like this, too stubborn to change or too afraid of things being different?

“I have been like this for so long, bitter, jaded and miserable, that I don’t actually know who I would be if I was different. If I was happier and healthier." A pause. "I’ve spent so long building my identity around being the broken girl, the sick girl, that I don’t know who I’m supposed to be without those things. I don’t even know if that girl would really be me, or if I would like her. And it doesn’t matter that I don’t really like who I am now because at least this is mine. And it’s been mine for as long as I can remember.” She cried. Kieran watched as a silent shine took to her cheeks.

“I’m scared of letting it go. I’m so scared to change that I would rather be a monster because it’s what I know.”

Kieran looked like he was fighting off tears as he shook his head feverishly. “No.” He rushed to her, taking her face into his hands and cupping it gently. His body was shaking slightly and Alyssa felt it vibrate through her at his touch. “No, sweet girl,” he cooed. “You are not a monster. There is nothing wrong with your heart.”

“Yes there is!” she spat. Alyssa had no idea why she responded so badly to people making statements about her so adamantly. But she hated it. Maybe it was the idea that someone knew her.

Kieran thankfully, didn’t argue with her, or try to convince her otherwise which kind of surprised her. He stared at her, his gaze full of contemplation and sorrow before he finally seemed to realize something. He carefully wiped her tears and pulled her closer to his chest, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. “You have every right to feel as you do,” he murmured. “I would not insult you by pretending to know precisely how you feel, as I know I myself have never appreciated when others would do the same to me.”

Alyssa hummed in agreement against his shirt.

"I do wonder, have you ever been asked what you needed? What you wanted? Or have other simply attempted to impose their solutions upon you?"

Alyssa looked up in shock. He honestly had a point. Ty notoriously was bad at just being with her in her shitiness and always tried to solve her problems for her. And she got it. He was just trying to help. But most of the time it wasn't really what she wanted. People were always trying to give her advice. Take this pill, do this therapy, try meditating, keep a journal etc.

Not once had anyone ever just let her feel. Just let her be in her emotions. Just grieve.

"I want to be heard," she admitted. "I just want someone to listen to me and be with me. To let me just like, sit in my emotions and just be. Like, just let me grieve."

Most people really didn't get her need to just sit in her feelings and allow herself to feel whatever she was feeling. Ty fondly accused her of brooding. Her parents called her moody and sensitive. Her older sister loved to accuse her of, "thinking she was the main character," or "living in a fantasy land."

Kieran didn't do any of those things. He didn't ask her what she was grieving. He just sat down on the floor at her feet and smiled at her. "Alright. I am listening."

So she joined him on the floor and told him everything. She told Kieran about the judgment and the isolation, the bullying, the fake friends and the abandonment. She told him the story of how Aly wrote that letter to her new friend in fifth grade, pouring with love for her and how the other girl started ignoring her afterwards.

She told him about the crippling loneliness and self hatred, and the rage. She talked about how kids used to come up to her and pretend to be nice to her as a joke, asking her questions about her passions just to laugh in her face when she got excited and began to answer. How she was always the last one picked for everything and the one left without a partner for class activities and how teachers used to have to guilt trip people into playing with her at recess.

She even admitted to him that after a while she started to pretend that she didn’t like playing with the other kids to avoid this. She pretended that she thought she was better than them. They were childish and immature and she was above all of that. She was above having friends, needing people. It was so pathetic, and none of them could ever really understand her anyways so what was the point? Alyssa told him about Kayla and the mistake she made by letting her guard down with her.

She almost didn't tell him about the water, but Kieran created this calming nonjudgemental presence that was rare. Maybe it helped a little that she knew he couldn’t lie to her. So Alyssa let herself cry as she told Kieran about that night. How Kayla and her stupid friends had forced her head under the water, holding her down as she thrashed and kicked. She hadn’t known if they were ever going to let her go, hadn’t known if she was going to die there. She could even feel her lungs fighting for air a little as she told the story.

Kieran didn’t say anything. He just held her hand and when he squeezed she found she could breathe a little easier. He told her a story of his own about how one night he woke to his brother holding a knife to his throat. He couldn't remember what Eric had been so angry about, but it was the reason that now he often had trouble sleeping deeply. He told her about his father’s resentment and anger at the common people’s affection for Kieran. How he knew that no matter what he did, he would never win his father’s love or respect. In his eyes he was just a mistake to be erased.

He told her of how he was the target of anger and animosity from some of his brothers, or just plain indifference from the others. All his life he had only ever gotten things as favors with an expectation that they would one day be returned, or because he was a prince. No one had ever done anything for him for the sake of being genuinely kind until he met Mark.

He talked about his mother and how he was pretty sure he father had her killed and he still didn’t fully know why, and now he never would.

“But the truth of it is, beyond all of this I am just simply exhausted,” Kieran murmured. “I am so tired. Sometimes the weight of it, the weight of everything feels too heavy to bear. Do you ever feel as though at times everything is just too hard?”

“I do,” she admitted. “A lot actually.”

“Then what do you do?”

Alyssa sighed. “I mean, I don’t know, different things I guess. Like, doing the stuff I enjoy, being around the people I love, listening to music also really helps. But sometimes I’m just so depressed that I don’t feel like doing any of those things. But the stuff that works for me might not work for you.”

She knew that most of the things that lifted her spirits and kept her breathing were influenced by her autism and her ADHD. When she was spiraling out of control she could put on Season six of Buffy and take comfort in the fact that she had her life support hooked up.

She could hear the lines and recite them along with the actors under her breath like a prayer. And when she needed to cry, no one could judge her.

Kieran nodded. “Thank you Alyssa. I must admit I find it difficult to find anyone who is willing to give me honest advice in this place. Yes faeries cannot lie but we are the masters of avoiding the truth and twisting it. I suspect most are too frightened of my position to…what is the human expression? To level with me?”

Aly giggled a little in spite of herself. “Yeah, people tend to be afraid of royalty Kieran, you have the power to murder them all in their sleep if you wanted.”

Kieran sighed. “Yes I suppose you are correct. Although I would never do that. And you may call me Kier, if you wish.”

Alyssa felt something flutter inside of her. That was the nickname Mark came up with, only reserved for family and close friends.

Friends.

Were they friends? She tried not to get hopeful.

Kieran rose from her side. “Forgive me, you must be exhausted. It will be quite some time before your people are able to come and fetch you. I told them not to hurry.”

She looked up at him suspiciously. “You did? Why?”

He should have looked imposing and maybe a little scary towering over her like that. But Kier just looked shy.

“I confess, I was curious about you. I wanted to spend more time together.”

And oh, didn’t that just sting in a peculiar way. The realization that someone actually liked her and she hadn’t even tried. She hadn’t even needed to try. She didn’t need to pull out her usual tricks and masks with many faces or even resort to bribery or flirting. He just liked her. He just liked being around her.

And maybe, just maybe she liked being around him too.

Alyssa smiled shyly. “I guess I don’t mind that.” She pulled herself up off the ground, wincing a little.

“You should rest my dear,” he chastised her.

She stretched out her arms, “I think i’m ok,” she mumbled. This unfortunately was undercut by a yawn which sort of undermined her point. Now that she thought about it she couldn’t really remember the last time she slept.

Kieran gave her a look. “You remind me of Mark when he was younger. It was often a great challenge getting him to lie still.”

Aly shrugged. “I don’t sleep great. I get nightmares. My life is kinda just a giant game of “how long can she stay awake before she passes out?”

Kieran stared at her in barely masked horror. “That is very concerning.”

She scoffed. “My life is concerning.” She was starting to feel her exhaustion creeping up on her as her words became more and more slurred. Alyssa made her way over to the bed again and sank down into the softness and silk.

“I could stay with you,” Kier offered. “Just until you fall asleep.”

Alyssa laid back against the feathery pillows. “Don’t you have more important things to do than babysitting me?”

He shrugged, a weirdly human gesture. “ Perhaps. I would much rather be here though.”

She had no idea how to respond to that, not to mention she was becoming far too tired to think. Aly hummed softly, closing her eyes. She felt the bed dip beside her as Kieran lay down.

And then, just like a lightning strike, she remembered.

Ash.

Alyssa shot up like a rocket. “Holy shit. I almost forgot to tell you.”

Kieran seemed merely annoyed by her outburst, narrowing his eyes at her. “What?”

Alyssa felt the energy surge through her as her hands began to move. She grabbed at her hair pushing it back a few times. “The Seelie! I almost forgot to tell you! I wasn’t sure if I could at first!” she rambled. “But then there was the trauma sharing and the bonding and you said you like being around me and like, I don’t know I just- you need to promise not to hurt him unless you have to ok? Promise me!” She waved her hands around frantically as she spoke.

Kieran was looking at her like she was insane. “Hurt who exactly? Alyssa what is happening?”

She took some breaths to steady herself. “He’s the son of The Seelie Queen and Sebastian Morgenstern and his name is Ash. He’s hiding out with an alternate version of Jace Herondale from another dimension.”

“Janus? He is here?”

Alyssa winced sympathetically. “Yup. Sorry. I don’t think he’s here to check out the sights and do touristy shit. I think he and The Seelie Queen are planning something, something bad. With Ash.”

Kieran pondered this. “I met Ash several years ago. My father was holding him hostage to use his blood. He was instructed to kill me, however before he could Annabel whisked him away to Thule.”

Alyssa blinked rapidly. “Do you think he would’ve actually gone through with it?”

“He was hesitant, but my father can be very persuasive,” Kieran said with a dark, far away look in his eyes. “I do not blame the child, I know what it is, to be manipulated by the court.”

Alyssa scoffed. “Really? If someone tried to kill me, I wouldn’t just forgive them.” She must have looked disgusted because Kieran gave her a stern look. It was almost parental.

“You are not a very forgiving person are you Alyssa?”

“No,” Alyssa curled in on herself defensively, wrapping her arms around her legs. “I think people should suffer the consequences for their actions.”

Kieran pressed his lips together, studying her with a calculating look. “Suffering? Do you truly believe that is the best motivation for change? Do you feel as though punishment promotes real genuine change? Has that worked on you?”

Alyssa glared at him instinctively. Maybe he had a point. But she just couldn’t let it go. “He had a choice. He made the wrong one. That was on him. Sure it wasn't a good choice, sometimes you don’t have a good choice. But you always, always have a choice.”

To suggest otherwise is to make yourself an object at the mercy of the universe. Alyssa had developed most of her ideas on morality, philosophy and the idea of right and wrong from watching Buffy the vampire slayer and Angel as a kid. Sure she believed in redemption, but it was something you had to work for. This was also possibly the result of having a Catholic upbringing.

And then of course there was the autistic morality of her brain that had evolved naturally. The black and white, good versus evil, messy and vengeful part of her that wanted revenge because it was just and right and she wanted to feel vindicated after so much pain. After she had been hurt so many times.

Kieran shook his head. “I am not disputing that. You always have a choice. However, I would argue that the circumstances we often find ourselves in are unfair and inequitable, as well as not of our own making. Ash did not choose to grow up the way he did in the environment he did, neither did I and neither did you. And I truly believe that when it comes to suffering, we are all closer to becoming monsters than you may believe.”

Alyssa was instantly struck by a memory. An exchange from a scene she was ashamed to admit she had almost forgotten.

“She’s a monster.”

“She is an innocent victim.”

"So were we. Once upon a time."

Kieran re adjusted his posture, fixing his rumpled shirt. “I believe that the important thing is to be focused on just taking one small step, whatever form that step may come in, towards being a better person. Towards being better than you were the day before. Change is gradual, and many do not have the patience it requires.”

Alyssa smirked. “Yeah I’m really not a patient person.”

Kieran laughed a little at that. “But quite frankly Alyssa, it is not about you. It is a matter of belief. Not your belief in a person that they can improve, but their belief in themselves. You spoke earlier of forgiving Ash. It is not a question of forgiveness, mine or anyone’s. One needs to wish to become a better person, not merely for the validation of others or out of fear of punishment. But simply because they want to.”

“No one ever wants to.” she protested. “Believe me Kier, I've seen what people are like when they’re left to their own devices, and now I'm in therapy. So don’t bullshit me about the goodness of humanity or whatever.”

Kieran’s gaze fell in sorrow. “I understand why you feel the way you do. I understand why you would never wish to believe in those who harmed you.” He paused for a moment, his face shifting into a soft remembrance.

He smiled. “But I also know that there was a woman who once reached for a man who had shown her nothing but contempt, and touched him oh so softly, who bandaged his wounds and never expected a thank you. I once thought shadowhunters were all horrible monsters who hated those that were different, soulless warriors who knew nothing of pleasure, or beauty, or love.”

“I told myself that Mark was different, because he was half Seelie. It was not until I met The Lady of Roses that I realized I had been wrong. We are merely moments," he said softly. "Just one moment after the next. Some may be good, some bad. But as long as time continues to progress, there is always the capacity for change."

Alyssa let his words sink in. She could relate to that. She felt the same way about Ty. He wasn’t exactly a beacon of kindness, but he was good. He tried. He always tried so hard to be good and not to cause harm. But lately Alyssa had been wondering if it really mattered in the grand scheme of things. After all, what was one boy, one man against an institution built on prejudice and bias. She hadn’t met Cristina but from what she heard, she sounded like an amazing woman. But not every shadowhunter was like Cristina.

Being the liaison to the scholomance had shown her some of the ugliest kinds of behavior, and after everything Alyssa had already experienced, that was saying something. After doing the job for 2 years, (nearly three now) she was starting to wonder if there was really a point to it. Aly probably would have left ages ago if it wasn’t for Ty. If she wasn’t clinging to him like a lifeline.

Alyssa sighed, too tired to keep arguing.

She honestly just wanted to sleep.

"I just figured I should tell you about Ash," she said with a shrug. "Be on the lookout for fuckery."

Kier grinned at her. "I shall. Now you must rest my dear."

Aly slowly lowered herself back into the fluffy embrace of the warm bed, pulling the covers over her. She almost groaned in relief as her muscles relaxed and all the tension she had been carrying finally started to flee from her body. Kieran gave her a ghost of a smile, barely visible. But she could still read his face. She had been an expert in reading faces and body language for years now as she studied them constantly.

Kieran stared at her with a familiar fondness that was hard to place. She was used to people treating her existence with either dehumanizing disgust or idealization and awe.

She could be extraordinary, she could be beautiful and entertaining, (keep them looking, keep them laughing) she could be monstrous and cruel, strange and off putting, the subject of gossip, (did you hear about what Alyssa Reyes said to the principal the other day, did you see what she was wearing, did you hear about the time she punched that guy, do you know who she slept with?) People were always telling stories, always crafting narratives, especially about people they didn't understand and Aly couldn’t help but notice that people seemed to prefer the idea of her rather than the actual person.

People were always telling stories about autistic people, as elusive mysterious others, as phantoms. As creatures to be pitied or geniuses to be idolized but never understood.

It was a rare thing to just be given the permission to be the girl in the white dress, exhausted and drifting off to sleep in the presence of a friend. An equal.

For the first time in months, Alyssa Reyes slept soundly.

AN: I swear if someone doesn't pick up on the "you are not a monster Kier," reference from LOS I'm gonna eat my liver.

The quotes in italics are from Angel the series.

Tagging: @lavender-scented-rat @littlx-songbxrd @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @amchara @wagner-fell @sandersgrey @the-wckd-powers @spooky-drusilla @arangiajoan

#not tagging this with the fandom tags because frankly i know how niche this fic is lol #not me putting a pro vs. anti restorative justice debate in this fic for some reason #alyssa reyes #alyssa is my oc #fours unite!#alyssa with kieran: you are like me! (affectionate)#alyssa with kit: you are like me (derogatory)#kieran kingson

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