#trying to not say id kill myself

[brittie-frog]

There was a theory a while ago I saw that the eggs weren't meant to last this long and was meant to help them/spy on them originally but because the players cared so much for them and protected them, they lasted.

And with the way that the new tasks and sweets are it seems that they want the eggs to die again. But if they wanted that why give them their lives back before?? And what was the point of adding Chunsik if he's just gonna die in a few weeks. It's just forcing the players to have to be on everyday again and starting on a week when a lot of them can't/won't for their own mental health/social life.

Like even Em's admin thinks it's unfair and she's gonna die because Bagi's not here the rest of the week, Mouse and Tina are variety streamers that have the awards this weekend and Niki basically only streams once a week. Like the best bet is that Mouse logs on in the next few days because she doesn't have to physically be at the awards as a vtuber so has no irl 'obligations' to hang out with friends like Tina. But Em also needs to be awake because all of them need the 'baby' to be there and she's sick and slightly burnt out after today so might not be up for the constant dungeon tasks they get - the admins are tired, what about the players who also have other responsibilities and irl lives aswell.

There has to be another option. It's the perfect mix in that it's bonding tasks to get the sweets but it's the worst way possible. If they can't be on to do the eggs tasks or can't do enough of them do you think they have the time to be doing bounties to be able to pay the extortionate price for emergency cookies?? And at least with the original cookies you could get massive excess to help each other but now like Philza would be able to get barely enough to save Chayanne and Talullah nevermind help out Sunny while Tubbo's dead. And yes BBH is addicted and bound to do them all but he won't have excess enough to help Leo or Pepito if their parents don't log in or Chunsik if Acau can't complete enough on Sunday. They're gonna have to lower the amount required especially if it's still that non-parents have to feed double because that's impossible with only 36 tickets/18 cookies available this week and 42/21 in a normal week since they skipped Monday. It would just be slightly better if the tasks weren't dungeons but collecting stuff still and they all lasted till Sunday night.

Apparently Chayanne's admin has said that everything will be fine but knowing all this information it was fucked from the beginning so there must be a lore reasons and nothing bad is going to happen because if Em permentantly dies from being "lassoed and beaten to death" in a split second and "neglect" (because her parents have busy irl lives for one week) I'm deleting everything and it would be on par with Trumpet dying from "neglect" which was in no way Maxo's fault and I wasn't even there for that one.

#obligations in quotation marks because she wants to hang out with her friends she doesnt see a lot irl #and it would probably feel weird to have to abandon them in the middle of the day/play all day #to get tickets so her minecraft child doesnt die #trying to not say id kill myself #we just got canon autistic ace Em and if she dies im gonna delete all my qsmp art and sketches i want to finish #everyone else id be mad but theyd be fine because eveyone else has two lives #i feel like i had more to say but i dont remember #tw rant #qsmp #fuck the bunny and capitalism

[girlthingdecay]

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#i kind of want to kill myself. im so disconnected from anything. i have no original thought. everything is scripted #everything is just put together pieces from things ive heard elsewhere and i do not have a single original thought #everyone can see that im masks all the way down and everyone can see that i am nothing underneath and even that is a stolen way of saying it #i have no way of making nothing palatable but i am simply nothing. invite me over and ill try to adapt to you and write a new script based #off new media but if you make me truly comfortable and somehow manage to unplug my behavior then youll be rewarded with me just sitting #beside you on the floor and staring at whatever media you show me without speaking much and only occasionally seeking further warmth from #you #i vocalized it to someone close recently but im a nothing void and i wish people all acted in exactly the way i wanted regardless #i have selfish fantasies about people just doing everything to make everything easy for me and if i were a god i would be an entirely #selfish one #if the right people would go and stay as i please even though im a nothing void and dont deserve them around #if they would all do whatever i needed like gave me cuddles or sex or affirmation or money or treats #if life was one long cycle of being the most treated god by everyone then maybe i could be something i dont know #maybe something could be manifested into me #everyone already projects an idea onto me so maybe a collective idea held by all with a great deal of love would make whatever they say of #me true and maybe then id exist fully #until then oh well #though in reality im just sanitizing a bit. having others fully as puppets serving me isnt something that i want because i think itll “fix” #me by any measures and id likely only grow far more sadistic and selfish but i wish for that world because i could live in perfect comfort #i could do anything i wanted and have anything i wanted and nobody would stop me #sorry this is just like. a long rambling in tags. i should shut up now

[rugretti]

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#ahw come on #did my hair in two braids bc its 2am and nobody can see me #fucking hate letting other ppl see me when i try to enjoy my hair bc theyll think im finally being feminine #and im going to my brothers graduation too so shes immediately commenting on wow #ure gonna go like that?i finally support you. like come on man #literally why i never ever want to ease up on my regular going out clothes formula #it will be shoes pants shirt jacket for forever unless i get to be alone bc any time i take anything off #ill have comments like ure finally going out in just a shirt finally #ill honestly rather kill myself than have u see me in a skirt please i know thats ur biggest dream but please #also donchu dare lecture me on why i need an emergency dress for super formal occasions or event sthat need me to wear a skirt or dress #id honestly rather not go if its like that no matter the importance #and even if i did what difference does it make if i just had say an emergency suit instead #fuck me fuck fuck #i point out i want to cosplay miles g morales and she says nothing not even a nod #she sees me in braids and suddenly she wants me to wear jt everywhere #please please please i need u to never look at me again if this is what i get #anyways rant over

[babydarkstar]

genuine question if youre out to your parents: how did u do it and how did they react. should i sit them down or should i just casually bring it up in conversation. it’s a big deal to me so maybe i should emphasize that it’s a big deal

#hm. much to think about #if anyone wants to dm me abt this and tell me your story pls do #thinking about it makes me want to bang my head against the wall tbh #im just like. i need them to take it seriously i dont want to hear the offhanded jokes abt it #i also like. dont want them to feel like they need to keep it a secret #but id probably never tell my mom’s parents #my nana would probably try to tell me i’m going thru a phase or smth #and would also say that i’m a devil worshipper or something and that it’s not natural #ugh now im thinking about like. everyone else in my southern extended family………..kill me #im just tired of feeling like theres some big secret about myself #when im pretty sure my mom already knows LMFAO #mostly i just dont want them to be like. ‘what abt the time u had a crush on that guy’ #like yeah it was me forcing myself to find men attractive #anyways.

[makkie-is-screaming]

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#Okay so tw cuz im gonna rant about suicide #so back in July I planned on killing myself today #I told myself I needed to try n get better n if I couldn’t that was it #and I’ve tried I really have #and I’m obviously still struggling but not to the extent I was #like I’m depressed n my ed is getting worse #but I’m finally hanging out with D n she’s just so much fun to be around #im calling my bestie more and she sounds genuinely happy to hear from me #im doing a bit better with my parents to n im seeing my cousin more who I’ve missed so much #I have plans for break for the first time in years #im finally getting piercings #it’s crazy cuz even just 2 weeks ago I didn’t think Id be ok today #but I am like today isn’t gonna be another attempt I’m gonna make it #and that’s wild to me bc I was so bad over the summer I was constantly debating it that’s why I set the date #And I don’t think I’m fixed and there’s a big chance I’ll attempt at some point in the future knowing me #but right now I feel like I have a reason to try and I haven’t felt like that in a long time #okay I’m done now just wanted to say that #screaming #tw suicide #tw suicide mention #kinda

[pansyfemme]

remember how this is one of my fave sketches ive ever done and i made it into a finished painting and sold it and somehow during all of that never took a photo (only videos) of the final peice and while im glad it its in good hands it kills me i have no high quality photo of the final…hgggg

#im not sure what works so well abt the poses here but ive never came close to this good since #no id #jude’s wips #trying to not say killing myself but like. i am soooo unprofessional sometimes

[quillkiller]

coolio my abusive ex reached out

#fun! #we havent talked since 2022 #feeling paralyzed #she wanted to congratulate me on my apartment and job. ok #thanks #wonder if its bc she always used to say i wouldnt amount to anything on my own and that id need too much help #bc ’you’ll always be one step behind even if you try your hardest’ #KILLING MYSELF

[semercury]

More than anything I want to go back in time and change how certain things went.

#stuff sarah says #this is once again about my education choices #ill never have the college experience #and maybe thats kind of okay? but sometimes its fun to be young and stupid with other young and stupid people #but mostly i would like to have gotten my degree when i still was on my parents health insurance #''life doesnt have a deadline'' wrong. its when you turn 26 and get kicked off your parents insurance #bc then you HAVE to have some kind of job bc youll always have some bills #i get it. im beyond privileged and should kill myself about it bc my parents are super chill with me #but i know if it was up to them i could just live here for free and go to school full time #id be in super debt after probably. but id figure it out #but also who even knows if i could find a good job with a degree #idk. i hate it here (on this planet) #ive had a pounding headache for two days straight #and i keep having not-quite-nightmares #like im not waking up trying to scream bc i dreamt demons were ripping my limbs off (true story) #but every dream i have things go wrong and i wake up feeling funky or sad or something #and my eyelid is still twitching almost constantly #im fucking tired man

[chrisbangs]

if you told me all those years ago that the people who made the song that got me through the worst time of my life would go on to do some of the craziest things in their career and you said they're gonna go perform at all these places and do all these things 😭 idk what baby me would've done but current me is literally so overwhelmed with emotions ... 😞🫶‼️💗 like that's just too crazy to me to really put into words but watching the skz journey feels so heart warming and exciting and im so incredibly fucking proud of them... 🥺🤍 my skz you are so amazing 😭🫶💗🌙🫂

#idk what i'm trying to say #but 17 year old me found you when my life was in ruin #and then 🤍🫂 you picked me up and put me on my feet... 😞💗‼️ and i... i am lucky to have you in my life ... #i wouldn't be the same without you... #no i mean.. i wouldn't even be here without you #😞 i know that for sure ... like without a doubt #that part of my life was ... bad 👍 #sitting on that train after being assaulted the first time and feeling like it was over like i was going to kill myself and then #all i heard was chans voice saying 'blessings wait for you' #and 😞 it felt like the first hug id had in ages... like someone had held me and told me it would be ok 😞💗 #idk ... kinda presumptive to say i owe them my life but... 🫂 i wouldn't be here without them #that much is for damn sure ... #so to see them come this far ... do so much #🥺 the pride in my heart is beyond overwhelming #being here since they were nugu losers 😭💗🫶 GOD I LOVE UUUU MY SKZ!!!!! #i don't know how much more i can say it........ i so incredibly love you 😞🤍💗 #god i'm so proud #i hope chan knows 😭🫶💗🥺 with every fucking fibre in my being that i'm always ALWAYS cheering him on 😞 that he deserved this so infinitely #god i fucking love him 😭‼️ my darling boy......... #:( my skz fr... #li.txt

[gohard-or-gohomo]

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#i want to be a different person. christ #hating myself hours are ON #because like. im a fucking clown im the court jester im the fool #people like having me around!! im fun!! #but im not anyones favourite #im not going to be first pick to talk to or spend time with #im fucking expendable #good if you want someone there to make you laugh #but im not anyones best friend. im top 10 MAYBE #and like. i have a girlfriend i love my girlfriend i know they love me a lot too #and they would probably say im their favourite #and thats good!!! thats amazing!!! i feel the same way!!!! #but i see them once a week if that #and i spend the rest of the time with school people or rowing people #and rowing people just tolerate me #and school people all like each other better than me #its fucking exhausting #AND I HAVE A FUCKING SPANISH TEST ON FRIDAY. ON TOP OF IT ALL #wish id stop being such a pussy bitch and try and kill myself already #but because im such a people pleaser i cant even fucking do that #hate it here

[muzzlemouths]

Psst. Just wanted to let you know that you're cool and I hope you have a really nice day today! You seem to be Goin Through It™ and I just wanted to let you know that we (your followers) like you no matter the quantity of stuff you're able to make at any given time (though we most certainly do like what you make, but that's not why most of us stay, I believe); you're very funny and have insightful opinions about writing, and you're always super nice when I stop by to say hi! Please remember to be kind to your mind and heart this upcoming Spring. I hope The Delights come into your life in leaps and bounds, and that you'll receive good news soon!!! <33

ooh...ohh.h.....th.ank you for the kind words........

#ohhhh i fought long and hard to not just. keep this in my inbox so i could stare at it for days #when i first read this my initial reaction was ''oh god is it that obvious'' #''am i like crashing and burning in real time on this blog. live on tv'' #which..FAIR YEAH LMAO #to be 100% transparent here i actually haven't been on this blog all day BECAUSE i was having a day where I was just like. #ahaha my shit Sucks and everybody's just humoring me #comparison kills and i have been stabbing myself like its the ides of march lately #and the fact that i haven't put anything new out is half because of that i'm sure #like the mindset of ''if i post nothing at all then i can't compare it to [insert other authors here]'' #WHICH IS SOOOO STUPID I KNOW I KNOW #self sabotage is my middle name its a bad habit i'm fighting daily but it's HARD #this has just turned into a Whining Session oh no #there's a reason i moved all of this to tags lmao #ANYWAY ANYWAY. GENUINELY I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU #from the bottom of my heart asks like these keep me from going over the deep end #it amazes me each and every day that so many of you choose not only to follow me but to STAY despite my general shenanigans and thinly veil #like i'll have days (like today) where i'm on the floor kicking and screaming over NOTHING and y'all just sit back and wait for me to get m #and it makes me so genuinely soft. the patience and kindness you show me #i will try my HARDEST to be kind to my mind and heart i promise. I promise. #if not for myself than for everyone out there continuously showing their support for me despite The Horrors #and I hope you're right i hope The Delights are somewhere in view soon enough #lord knows we could all use 'em #thank you again #❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ #edit: oh tumblr cut off like half of these paragraphs #thats probably for the best. you can just guess what i said LMAO

[1980ssunflower]

oh god

#vent #i feel like im going to throw up my mom is just telling me to learn how to work w ai art programs since by the time im her age #ai art is going to completely take over all art jobs #and i need to learn that since thats all art is gonna be apparently #if the world really gets to that point id fucking kill myself why would i want to live in a world like that HOW COULD I LIVE IN A WORLD #LIKE THAT I FCANT BREATHE ITS TOO MUCH I CANT TAKE IT #I DONT WANT THIS I DONT WANT THIS I NEED THIS AI SHIT TO STOP I DONT KNOW HOW ILL LIVE IF ALL MY ART ENDS UP MEANING NOTHING #IF ALL THE YEARS IVE PUT INTO ALL MY HOBBIES MEANS FUCKING NOTHING BECAUSE AI TAKES OVER IT ALL #i cant live in a world like that i genuinely cant i wouldnt want to live if i couldnt... really be an artist anymore if ai really just #takes my job as an artist ive been working towards #drawing is the only thing i have... #and i cant be a musician cause i fucking hate the music industry right now #its already so hard for me trying to live in this present day but if things got even further in this bullshit i dont know how id live #sorry for talking so much i just feel scared and panicked #why would my mom say this shit to me i recently told her how scared i was at the idea of ai taking away my dream as an artist

[lez-exclude-men]

I wish there were more people in the world that shared the same depth of adoration and love for animals that I have. The amount of times I've been told by people who *also* claim to love animals that they "just don't get" how I can love them so much is... staggering. And disheartening.

#acceptable #i cant say for certain i would #never drown a cat. if it was me or the cat id drown the cat #like i love my roommate and i would in general say shes a wonderful person but she was drunk and just a bit ago trying to come up with #hypothetical scenarios in which i would find it to kill a dog/cat/cow/other animal and was flabbergasted that none of the ones #she came up with i found remotely acceptable. #im not sure she meant this-in fact i refuse to believe she did- but at one point she said something like and she couldnt comprehend that my #she tried to blame it on my depression and said maybe i value myself too little but i was honestly offended at that and she backed down #but i genuinely fundamentally cant understand people who are on any level morally okay with that kind of thing #and now im crying again over this hypothetical cat #lezpost

[qualityrain]

sometimes i think about how no matter what akc is gonna sacrifice himself for the pt like straight up that one month ish? of him hanging out with them in sae palace is enough for him to go yeah id die for you guys and its not influenced by jokers confidant at all even if its joker lvl 1 confidant akcs still going to die for them

#some of it i feel like because akc doesnt see much worth of himself living anyway #but the way he would die for them no matter what?? u canr change that??? its just something that will happen??????? #girl………man #it fr do be like what coulsve been……. #there is some comedy in the way the pt show care for him in return hes like ok so ill kill myself for you guysvand theyre like WHAT NO #claude txt #fucked up thinking abt akc caring abt the pt enough in such a short time to be willing to die for them #straight up just going through the palace tgt is enough for him to go yeah id die for you guys #i say this like he didnt try to kill them before this but like yk. #in that moment. he wanted them to live more than him getting his revenge himself……

[scalpelsister]

we are so back (< made four book requests at the library)

#why you may ask. when I struggle to read anything and hate leaving the house #well because i struggle to read things and hate leaving the house! I gotta go see the world and be around other humans and ready my silly #little books and support the local library #maybe even while im down town ill hit up the farmers market or get a smoothie at the gay cafe!! #ideally id make a habit of this and resocialize myself to the point of other humans not scaring the ever living shit out of me. #im seriously trying to buckle down and build a better life for myself. even if it kills me dfkshfks #and brother. the first step is a library trip to go read silly little books #ok maybe step one is making my bed and dusting but you get what im saying #i am calling on monday to see if i can get into group therapy bc theres no openings for one on one therapy and my psych things group might #do me a lot of good anyways. because i might meet other people Like Me and get a sense of like.... community idk #but im really excited just. in general about the things happening in my life and i really just want to slowly work on stuff #my post

[kennabeth]

the only thing that will save me is going to agp cbus, buying the base for my shallan, doing all my customizations in my car coming inches from death from the fumes, then taking her to the zoo

#WHY CANT I CATCH A MOTHERFUCKING BREAK HOLY SHIT #i want to RUN #my gas tank is full i have a range of like 300 miles i could just fucking flee #who fuckin knows what id do then but it would be neat to see where i run out of gas #cathartic even #doll buying is the least destructive thing i want to do rn #thinking about dming the person trying to bid against me on ebay for this nanea that this doll is keeping me from killing myself #so please let me win her so i can see if i like the eyes i bought for her #says kenna #AYYYY I just checked mercari and got kaya's jingle dress w all its accessories some still in their packaging omg #harper deserves this she doesnt have any powpow outfits yet #the seller has her fancy shawl outfit too but i cant i just cant i have to save some money